There is a 15-year-old boy in our adoption readiness program who currently lives in a group home. And not surprisingly, he had no cell phone. We were told that cellphones are not provided for the kids by the home, and this boy had no way of getting one on his own with his small allowance. Can you imagine being a teenager, attending a public high school, and not having the ability to text your friends, or pull up a YouTube video that has gone viral and then laugh about it with your peers? Imagine not being able to walk down the street blasting music in your headphones from your own playlist – like the “regular” kids… There is no question that the cellphone has become a basic need of today’s teenagers.

So last month we arranged to use Chocolate Milk Club funds to give this teenage boy the gift of a cellphone. But this is not a story about a cellphone.

Knowing what it means to give and receive gifts is something that we may take for granted. Most of us learn these concepts without even realizing it, starting even before our parents throw us that very first birthday party. But it is yet another experience that many of our

kids – the kids without parents – may have missed: the experience of “one way giving,” where nothing is expected in return. Being the recipient of such giving can teach us that we are worth being given to. We hope that the kids begin to learn that there is more to receiving a gift than just the satisfaction of “getting.”

It is just the tip of the iceberg when considering all of the experiences we have in the natural progression of family life: riding a bike, and eventually driving; knowing how to shop for groceries, and then putting together a meal; navigating relationships, from family to friendships to romance; learning how to get – and keep – a job.

So we started with a cellphone. And once again, CMC funds al lowed us to create this “normalizing” experience for this young man, hopefully the first of many more to come.

S P R I N G 2 0 1 5Issue 13

WE STARTED WITH A CELLPHONE…E M P O W E R I N G C H I L D R E N / T R A N S F O R M I N G L I V E SE M P O W E R I N G C H I L D R E N / T R A N S F O R M I N G L I V E S

Adoption ServicesAdoption ServicesfamilyFOCUSfamilyFOCUS

Back by popular demand, the Salomé Chamber Orchestra, New York City’s  “electrifying new  conductor-less string ensemble,” will once again be performing a benefit concert for Family Focus Adoption Services. Join us on Wednesday, April 15, 2015 at 7:30PM in the Teatro of Columbia University’s Italian Academy, NYC. Special guest performance by our own Joe Rutkowski, official FFAS Musician. Seating is limited - to purchase tickets now, go to Salome’s website: http://salomechamber.org/com.

FAMILY FOCUS WELCOMES SALOMÉ ONCE AGAIN

Deana Balahtsis, Sandra Berenbaum, Arnold & Roz Bernstein, Maris & Stu Blechner, Judith Brambrut, Leni Brawer, Ephraim Brennan, Jack Brennan, Denise and Bill Callahan, Tony & Nancy Campo, Sharon Cohen-Powers, Joe & Betsy Crandall, Pam & Bob DeMan, Nicole DiStefano, Constance Dougherty, Phyllis Elsky, Kate Engelbrecht & Jed Walentas, Beverly Fiegelman, Joanne & Tony Ferrante, Bennett Finkelstein, Maura Fitzgerald-Jainschig, Joel & Almarie Fridovich, Mark Gabin, Gilbert Gonzalez, Keith Griffin, Rosa Griffin, Camille

Hehn, Christopher Hehn, Richard & Denise Hughes, Liam Irwin, Tova Klein, Fay Leousis, Anne & Peter Lipke, Al Loris, Liz and Mike McAleer, Kathleen McQuown, Valjean Minichino, Ines Miyares, Ellen Murphy-Keeley, John & Linda Nelson,

Gregory Nesmith, Lillian Neumar, William O’Keefe, Mary Peel, Denise & Rob Pilgrim, Mary Porter, Chris Pragman & Laura Blechner, Anthony & Catherine Rago, Marguerite & Peter Rubenacker, Lisa & Joe Rutkowski, Judith Santoianni & James Hausman,

Bernadette Schmidt & Scott Winik, Sharon Sorrentino & John O’Keefe, Lisa Stojowski, Steve & Kathe Stojowski, Michael Stokes, Paul Tompkins, Sharon Wennlund, Rick Whitaker

Adoption Conferences:

Jack and Maris will both be presenting at the NYSCCC conference in Albany this May.

RAD! Program update:

Three of our RAD! Program

children have had level

meetings, moving them

forward in the process.

CERTIFICATION TRAINING:For adopting families, adoptive families, and foster/adoption professionals. Check our calendar for upcoming dates.

See our website to join!OR

Give a gift membership!

Finalization:

One newborn boy finalized!

In-House Transition

One new in-house transition

begun, and on Covenant Ceremony

scheduled!

NEW DONATIONS:Anonymous, Mark and Judith Ashton, Joyce Asieduwaa, Sue Bartling & Jeff Roux, M. & J. Baum, Harriet Black, Maris & Stu Blechner,

Myles & Jennifer Blechner, Leon Brawer, Bobby & Penny Brennan, Michael & Donna Brennan, Mary Jo Brett, Tracey Carbonetto, Elizabeth & Dan Case, James & Margaret Cayea, Sandy Chang, Harold & Suzanne Cohen, Martin Cohen & Randi Scheinberg,

Edward & Isabella Conti, Francine Cournos, Raul Del Pilar, Virginia Dorn, Alison Dreizen, Satu Ferentz, Linda Fettman, Nick Fox, Mary Ann Francis, Ruth & Arthur Friedman Foundation, Mark Geier, Jean Geraghty, Michael Greene & Lori Branston, Edith Goldberg,

Peter Gryson, Robert & Sandra Hagan, Andrea & Kevin Hamill, Earl Hassel, Hudak-Syers Family, Helen & Ronald Jacobs, Arthur Kettenbeil, Mark & Nora Krieger, Dina Kussoff, Joan Lazarus, Frederick Magovern, Gerald Mallon, Albert Matousek,

Kathleen McQuown, Betty Nordwind, Joshua Polenberg, Chris Pragman, Steven & Gail Prystrowski, Lawrence Rath, Joanne Reitano, Margaret Reitano & Robert Spinelli, Marguerite Ricciardone, Debroah Rubien & Greg Wagner, Roger & Sandi Salerno,

Dorothy Savarimuthu, Margaret Schaubeck, Finnie & Michael Simond, Lori Skurnik, Lori Skurnik's Book Club, Steven & Rachelle Stern, Kathe Stojowski, Lisa Stojowski, Tyler Stoothoff, Genelle Taney Memorial, Eileen Treacy, Robert & Peggy Turner, Linda Wallace

Tito Del Pilar, Bennett Finkelstein, Michelle Hatzopoulos & Stephen KnellNEW CHOCOLATE MILK CLUB MEMBERS:

CURRENT CMC MEMBERS

Have you read Jack’s blog?

WE ARE UPDATING OUR CONTACT DATABASE!If you have not received any email from us in the past year, please email Rich Buley-Neumar(ffasrich@gmail.com) to be put on our mailing list. Every email saves us money in postage!

A g e n c y N e w s . . .

THE BEST DAY EVERMary is an eleven-year-old girl living in a residential facility, who joined our Relationships Are Decisions (RAD!) Program last summer. Like all of the children in the RAD! Program, she has been multiply betrayed. Although she has a history of volatile behavior, her Future Worker’s experience of Mary has been that she is a quiet girl. When she does interact, however, she can be abrupt and demanding. For example, her worker relates that when she greets Mary with, “Hello,” her reply is, “Where’s my gum?” Leaving the facility to visit a store in the community, Mary demands, “Drive!” Over the course of their visits, progress in their relationship has been slow but steady. The job of a Future Worker is to develop a consistent, protective and supportive relationship with the child, focused - together - on the child’s future. As such, most visits fall into consistent patterns, which usually include a meal or snack, and then a visit to a local store. This repetition creates a sense of structure, predictability and safety. During their last meeting, as usual, Mary and her Future Worker did their “future work” this time consisting of a short discussion about manners and interactions in the community. After Mary successfully completed her work, they headed to McDonald’s, where Mary was given the opportunity to decide what she wanted, order it, and pay for it herself, using the community skills she has been learning, which builds her confidence in relating to others. Then Mary requested a trip to the nearby “dollar store,” to spend the few dollars she had. Mary’s future worker consistently reminds her of how much money she has to spend, and how many items she can afford. She then allows Mary the opportunity to shop, and pick out the things she would like to get, patiently answering questions and pointing out options for combinations of things that fit Mary’s budget. This time it was a necklace, two bracelets, and a candy bar. Mary then spotted a small flashlight, and became very excited. She asked if it came with batteries, but it didn’t, so she had to add these to her cart as well. Then came the moment of reckoning. Mary’s Future Worker pointed out that she could not afford all of the items. But she did not tell Mary what to buy, she instead gave her the time to think, and make her own decision. With no guidance from her Future Worker other than telling her what her options were, Mary decided that the flashlight was what she wanted most, and knew that this also required buying the batteries, so she put back what she couldn’t afford - the candy bar - and made her purchase. Of course, Mary and her Future Worker knew that they would have to get permission from the supervisor for Mary to keep her flashlight in her dorm. The fact that Mary was given control over her purchases, and was not rushed or coerced into making a decision, paid off in a wonderful way. On the way back to the facility, Mary, who rarely initiates conversation, declared, “I got some awesome stuff today!” And as if this wasn’t surprising enough, as they were getting out of the car, this quiet, demanding girl turned to her Future Worker and announced, “This was the best day ever!”

Family Focus Associate Director Rich Buley-Neumar (right) and writing partner Michael McCarthy produced the world premiere of their musical Deirdre, which opened January 31 at the Merrick Theatre and Center for the Arts in Merrick, Long Island. The four-week run met with positive reviews and wonderful audience response. Rich was pleased that FFAS co-workers were able to enjoy this labor of love.

In# September# 2014,# a# married# birthmother# called# the# of8ice# stating#that#she#and#her#husband#wanted#to#place#their#baby#for#adoption.#She#asked#to#speak#with#Maris#Blechner,#our#ED#Emerita,#who#had#assisted#them# with# the# placement# of# another# infant# seven# years# ago.# Maris#graciously#agreed# to#work#with# the# family#given# that#she#had#a#prior#relationship#with# them.#Maris# asked# if# they#would#want# to#place# the#baby,# due# in# January# 2015,# with# the# family# who# had# adopted# their#baby#seven#years#earlier.#The#birthmother#had#never#thought#to#ask#if#this#was#possible,#and#enthusiastically#embraced#the#idea#of#having#the#two#children#raised#together#as#siblings.#

Maris# found# that# the# adoptive# family’s# contact# information#was# still#valid,#and#reached#out#to#them.#They#responded#very#quickly.#They#are#now# living# in# Europe# on# a# temporary# work# assignment,# with# their#child,# a# delightful,# healthy# biJlingual# sevenJyearJold.# They# were#thrilled#with#the#prospect#of#adopting#their#child’s#sibling.#

The#challenge#that#Maris#then#faced#was#how#to#enable#this#adoption#for#a#family#living#overseas.# #Maris,#who#is#not#known#for#shying#away#from# challenges,#was# undaunted.# Several# simultaneous# steps# needed#to#be#taken:#the#adopting#family#needed#a#homestudy#to#be#completed#in# Europe;# the# family# also# needed# an# adoption# agency# in# the# state#

where#they#still#maintained#a#residence,#which#is#not#New#York;#and#the#birthparents#needed#counseling#and#support,#as#they#have#both#been#battling#chronic#drug#addiction#for#years.#

Given# the# complexity# of# the# case,# and# the# fact# that# there# were# so# many# “moving# parts,”# Maris,# along# with#Assistant# Director# Lisa# Binder# and# social# work# intern# Alexa# Shelansky,# formed# a# team# to# work# with# the#birthparents,#adoptive#parents,#attorneys,#outJofJstate#agency,#and#hospital#social#worker.##Maris#stated,#“It#was#like#putting#a#thousandJpiece#jigsaw#puzzle#together.#Of#course,#I#like#jigsaw#puzzles.”#

We# are# happy# to# report# that# the# puzzle# was# completed.# The# baby#was# born# several# weeks# premature,# but#healthy.# The# adoptive# mother# was# able# to# arrange# to# be# in# the# US# for# the# birth,# and# had# the# wonderful#opportunity# to#bond#with# the#baby#day#and#night# in# the#neonatal# intensive#care#unit#of#a# local#hospital.#The#adoptive#dad#and#older#sibling#8lew#in#after#the#birthparents#signed#their#legal#surrenders.#The#family#was#all#smiles# and# 8illed#with# joy#as# they#were# 8inally# able# to# leave# the#hospital#with# their#new#member.#Of# course,#Family#Focus#is#deeply#grateful#to#Maris#for#her#love#of#putting#together#jigsaw#puzzles!

FAMILY FOCUS ADOPTION SERVICES: PUTTING THE PIECES TOGETHER

End Quote: “It is not the strongest of the species that survive,

nor the most intelligent,but the one most responsive to change.”

- Charles Darwin

familyFOCUSfamilyFOCUSE M P O W E R I N G C H I L D R E N / T R A N S F O R M I N G L I V E S

Adoption Services

54-40 Little Neck Parkway, Suite 6, Little Neck, NY 11362 718-224-1919 fax: 718-225-8360 www.familyfocusadoption.org

If I get one more fundraising appeal from Consumer Reports, I am going to scream. I have been a subscriber to Consumers’ for decades. But I never remember getting from them appeal after appeal after appeal the way they have been doing the past few years. It got so bad that at one point I took the time to contact them and tell them to stop. The idea that the little money I did give them every year was going to all this wasted paper and postage - on me alone - made me crazy. But they didn’t stop. It seems -who pays enough attention to know? - that they slowed down. But they most assuredly didn’t stop.

At Family Focus, we have always appealed to people on our mailing list for donations. But for many years it was only twice a year, as I remember. Then, in an attempt to increase those very much needed donations, we started going to the professional fund-raisers. And it seemed to be their uniform opinion that we should appeal for donations four times a year.

We are adoption workers. What do we know about fundraising? But the professionals told us to do it, so we started doing it.

I never liked it though. I felt like we were assaulting people, as Consumers’ was doing to me. When I took over the agency as Executive Director, I decided to make our wonderful newsletter quarterly, send it via US mail rather than via the internet, and combine it with the quarterly fundraising appeals. I thought that would make the donation appeals more palatable to me.

But it has not. And now I am in the position to do something about it.

So, effective with this “non-appeal” letter, I am changing our fundraising appeals from four times a year back to twice a year: winter and summer. The newsletter will continue quarterly. And we will remind folks with every issue about our wonderful Chocolate Milk Club and how that helps the agency so much (see the cover story in this current newsletter).

But no more quarterly appeal letters. No more enclosed donation envelopes with every copy of the newsletter. No more assaults on you and your generosity. Twice a year always seemed reasonable to me - and twice a year I could live with from Consumers’. I care about them very much after all, and I am very grateful to them for what they do. But enough was enough.

I always welcome feedback on all that we do (or don’t do): ffasjack@gmail.com is the absolute best way to get me.

My best to each of you,

March 1, 2015