Freedom Toast Script 3.12.07

8/12/2019 Freedom Toast Script 3.12.07

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The Freedom Toast

Draft 3/12/07

Script Written and Conceived by Rob Seiteman and the Cast of The Freedom Toast!yrics Written and Conceived by "arc #mory$ Rob Seiteman$ and the Cast of The

Freedom Toast

Son% C&e' (nythin% )oes

In olden days our fall electionsWere thought of as pure perfectionBut now God knowsnything Goes

!ick "heney too who once knew #etter words$ow only has four letter words%or his foesnything Goes&

'he world has gone (ad todaynd good)s #ad todaynd #lack)s white todaynd left)s right todayWhen (ost #ills todayre for frills today

'hey)re *ust really +uid pro +uos

nd I a#hor e,tre(ist haters&I cringe when those great de#atersll co(e to #lows&nything goes-

$ow .illary)s won reelectionWill she #e the ne,t selection of all the prosnything Goes-

When *ournalists get ery ti(idBecause they decide they)d rather kiss!u#ya)s toesnything Goes-

If driing fast cars you likeIf gay #ars you likeIf old songs you like


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If gthongs you likeIf it)s !ean you liker artin heen you likeWhy no#ody will oppose-

$ow eery night the set that)s s(artWill #e laughing at our #ipartisan co(edy roast'he %reedo( 'oast-


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*ntro S+etch

Tracey, Reed, and Ashleigh sit on chairs or a couch or bean bags, etc. watching T.V.

Kevin enters. They are transfixed. We hear the mumble of news in the background

5ein6 .ey guys&

ll 7e,cept 5ein6 .....----

9eed6 We)re in the (iddle of so(ething here: 5ein-

5ein6 What !id so(ething happen

The three laughchuckle. !h, so su"erior.

shleigh6 ;erything happened: 5ein-

5ein6 h (y God: what: turn it up-

Voice#over comes u"

oan 9iers on


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shleigh6 But 5ein: as a #eautiful: attractie: pretty wo(an: it is really i(portant that Iknow eerything that)s going on with the( so that I can aoid all of their (istakes&

'racey6 !on)t look at (e: I *ust think they)re funny&

9eed6 o (uch pain=so (uch suffering=so little underwear-

5ein6 ;$DG.- I)e had it-

'racey6 $ot again=

5ein6 Ees again: 'racey& !o you realiAe that only F0C of people ote in presidentialelections in this country

shleigh6 !addy otes for (e&

'racey6 I don)t care- y ote doesn)t count anyway-

9eed6 We hae elections

5ein6 Well: the day has co(e: (y friends& I refuse to accept this any longer& I will notallow our political syste( to wallow in the +uag(ire of political apathy& I will stand upand fight- Who)s with (e

$rickets

'racey6 ..- $ow get out of (y way- >erry pringer)s co(ing on-

5ein6 Eou don)t need >erry- Eou need

shleigh6 I wouldn)t een know where to #egin&

5ein6 What did you say shleigh

shleigh6 'here are all these people and things going on=it)s *ust so confusing-!!!E----

9eed6 It really is=(ay#e not *ust confusing: though: #ut also

'racey6 tupid&

5ein6 Wait- What if it didn)t hae to #e stupid What if I could (ake politics co(e tolife for you

shleigh6 %or (e


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5ein6 %or all of you What if: I could (ake politics interesting and e,citing&

9eed6 It can)t #e done&

5ein6 Ees it can-

'racey6 .ey guys: check it out: we hae our own 5nowitll-

5ein6 olitics are a lot like our popular '< shows&

shleigh6 9eally

5ein6 Ees: let (e show you- re you ready

shleigh6 9eady-

9eed6 9eady-

'racey6 'his should #e interesting&

5ein6 Het)s start with so(ething fa(iliar&

Kevin takes the remote, "resses a button, and the lights go out, music starts


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.IHH9E6

Eou know I)( running 7Eou know she)s runningEou know that I)( s(art 7Eou know she)s s(art

But did you know wheneer I co(e aroundI (ake party start 7he (akes it startI gie (y speeches 7he gies her speechesI pay (y dues 7he pays her duesBut all I really want is (y facell oer your eening news&

!on)t you wish your president was hot like (e!on)t you wish #a(a was a freak like (e!on)t you!on)t you

!on)t you wish >oe Biden got it on like (e!on)t you wish >ohn 5erry was a #londe like (e!on)t you!on)t you

'%((AR) finishes with a big flourish.

9$!E6 Eo dawg: that was=dawg-

DH6 It was kind of pitchy #ut it was really perfect hahahhaha-

I$6 he)s #itchy not pitchy- 'hat was a#solutely dreadful&

&ound of audience boos

I$6 7cont& Were you all listening to the sa(e perfor(ance I was .illary: you areall oer the place ideologically& I don)t know what you stand for at all& re you a freak:are you a #londe: or are you president 'hat outfit (akes you look short and gay-

&ound of a""lause 'illary heads over to talk to Ryan

9E$6 o(e harsh words there fro( i(on "owell&

.IH9E6 It)s alright 9yan: I)( used to dealing with #ig eil (en& .i Bill-

A""lause

9E$6 o: how did you feel a#out your perfor(ance tonight

.IH9E6 Well: I felt on (essage: on target: and on fire& (erica needs to know that


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(y hus#and is Bill "linton: and that I will stand up and #e heard& I think I showed the(that tonight-

9yan6 Well: if .illary is your ne,t !e(cratic Idol: call 1800I)( arried to Bill: that)s1800I)( arried to Bill& "o(ing up on !e(ocratic Idol we hae our final contestant of

the eening& %ind out who it is: after the #reak& 7long pause nd we are #ack HI


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I$6I don)t want to hear it&

B6I know I can do #etter& Het (e try it again-

I$6I don)t want to hear another note: r& sa(a&

B6sings'hat)s #a(a with a B not sa(a with an Lcause #a(a with a B goes Buh not sss

I$6;nough enough- ff you go-

9E$6 7ushering !*A+A over

Barak: you see( to #e taking this kind of hard&

B6Well: 9yan: it see(s to (e that in this ti(e of tur(oil in our nation: it)s i(portant to giepeople a second chance& 'hat)s what (erica was #uilt on&

9E$6o you (ust #e really disappointed with your perfor(ance tonight

B6!isappointed is the wrong word& I can neer #e disappointed when I)e learnedso(ething&

9yan6If Barak sa(a

#a(a6 7deected, whiney#a(a

9yan6#a(a is your !e(ocratic Idol: call 1800I)( not usli(: that)s 1800I)( notusli(: "o(ing up on !e(ocratic idol: see what happens when people actually ote-WeJll (eet our winner: after the #reak& 7long pause nd weJre #ack HI


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*t,s "y -arty

;erything)s turning out *ust as I planned-I left nothing to chance-

With all adisors in toeI)( headed for the #ig dance-

It)s (y party and I)ll run if I want to9un if I want to9un if I want toEou would run too if they)d no(inate you-

I)( not afraid of #ig eil (enI can stand tall on (y own'he oters should hae no dou#t

fter all I)e seen #lown&

It)s (y party and I)ll run if I want to9un if I want to9un if I want toEou would run too if they)d no(inate you

Chec+ in .1


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5ein6 nd that: in a nutshell: is what the (erican olitical syste( is all a#out=e,ceptfor the oting&

'racey6 re you high

shleigh6 7on cell "hone1 !addy- 5ein is confusing (e again-

9eed6 Where did you get that re(ote

5ein6 It)s not i(portant& Guys: if you *ust

'racey6 ;nough of this crapola: 5ein- Eou already (ade (e (iss (y pringer: I)( notskipping einfeld too-

'ubbub 'ubbub

5ein6 Wait: guys=stop- Histen for a second: o&k& 'hings are #ad out there& 9eally#ad& We need to (ake it #etter& 'his is really i(portant to (e=please gie it one (oreshot&

/ause

shleigh6 "an I (ake a contri#ution or so(ething I hae !addy)s credit card&

5ein6 $o: shleigh: it)s not a#out (oney=there)s enough (oney=too (uch (oney&!o you know how (uch each presidential ca(paign costs in this election

'racey6 !o you know how (uch '< I)( (issing right now: listening to you #la# on

5ein6 100 illion !ollars-

9eed6 Wow-

shleigh6 100 (illion dollars

9eed6 Wow-

5ein6 'hat)s right: 100 (illion dollars&

9eed6 Wow-

shleigh6 !o you know how (any pairs of >i((y "hoo I could #uy with that

9eed6 Wow-


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'racey6 9eed: is there so(ething wrong

9eed6 I don)t know what he)s talking a#out: #ut it sounds like I should #e i(pressed&

5ein6 $ot i(pressed: 9eed: depressed- It)s #ad- o please: let (e try again&

9eed6 Wow&

'racey6 %ine- ne (ore shot: r& 5nowitall-

5ein6 lright: so a#out those elections=

*deoo%y or o *deoo%y


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2eal or 3o 2eal music "lays, if any, 4ohn +c$ain holds a metal briefcase with -'awk

$onservative0 on it. Two more suitcases remain.

.owie andel6 .ello: I)( .owie andel& r& "lean for the 21st"entury& y co(edy

isn)t funny and neither is this show& Welco(e to Ideology or $o Ideology: the showwhere politicians choose the political ideology that will #est pander to their constituency:ena#ling the( to scrape together the otes they need without any (orals: ethics: orstandards&

;ach politician gets to choose one suitcase fro( a wide range of political ideologies&'hey are then gien an offer of electoral otes& 'he politician can then choose to stick tohis guns or: (ore typically: pander to a fickle electorate and choose another ideology&

We are here for the 10thday in a row with our contestant: enator >ohn c"ain: who hasyet to stick with a single: definitie ideology&

%or now: you)re clai(ing the .awk ideology: is that correct

c"ain6 Ees it is&

.owie6 Why did you choose that ideology

c"ain6 Well: .oward: it)s +uite si(ple& s a retired officer and for(er W I #elieeit is i(portant for us to support our troops and our co((ander in chief&

.owie6 But isn)t that a dangerous Ideology to hold onto: considering the flaggingsupport for the war

c"ain6 Ees: .oward: it is risky: #ut as a for(er W I)( a risktaker& I)( known inthe senate as a (aerick: #ut I only take risks to support what I #eliee in and I #elieethat we need to see this war through-

/hone rings

.owie6 5on "hone1 Ees=yes=alright=I see& 5'angs u" "hone1 I *ust got off the phonewith 5atharine .arris and 5enneth Blackwell& 'hey are prepared to offer you 100electoral otes&

c"ain6 >ust 100 But I)( a for(er W-

.owie6 >ust 100&

c"ain6 'hat)s too low- What are (y re(aining choices

.owie6 Eou threw out progressie: populist: and green as well as li#ertarian:


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prohi#itionist: and (oderate& Hooks like you)re left with either keeping your currenthawk ideology: or trading it for either .ollywood Hi#eral or 9eligious 9ight&

c"ain6 y God: .owie: that)s a tough decision- I (ean: I)e #een on the !aily how(any ti(es now- 'he young people loe (e- 'hey think I)( going to (ake it cool to #e

9epu#lican again&

.owie6 tall order- It hasn)t #een cool to #e 9epu#lican since Hincoln freed the slaes&

c"ain6 I know- But if I choose the .ollywood Hi#eral ideology: I run the risk oflosing all of the people I shook hands with >erry %alwell for-

.owie6 Was it worth it: really

c"ain6 What would you do: .owie

.owie6 I couldn)t say&

c"ain6 $o really: tell (e&

.owie6 I)( not allowed: enator&

c"ain6 %or the loe of God: .oward I)( desperate-

.owie6 Eou hae 10 seconds: enator- Ideology or no ideology

c"ain6 'here)s too (uch pressure=I)( picking=.awk Hi#eral=I (ean: 9eligious.awk=I (ean: 9ight Heft=I (ean: the 9eligious 9ight-

.owie6 'here you hae it folks- >ohn c"ain has taken an ideological stand- .e)s*oined hands with the (ultitudes who want to ignore the "onstitution and create a'heocracy in its place- Het)s see what happens: now that the enator is 'alking in'ongues& .ow (any electoral otes would he hae receied if he had chosen the.ollywood Hi#eral ideology 'ri,ie: open the case-

(ady o"ens case

.owie6 113 guaranteed electoral otes: a piel#erg fundraiser: se, with Bar#aratreisand: and a lifeti(e supply of cocaine- 'oo #ad: enator& What a#out the .awkIdeology Ba(#i: open the case-

*ambi walks over to the case, takes it, walks back, o"ens it

.owie6 3K ;lectoral otes: look like you didn)t (iss out on (uch there: enator&

c"ain6 Hike I always said: .oward: this war is pointless and we need to #ring our


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troops ho(e right away-

.owie6 f course: now: let)s take a look at the case you)e chosen& & pen up yourcase: enator: let)s see what your ideology holds in store&

+c$ain o"ens the case

43F electoral otes- enator c"ain: looks like you)e won the election-

c"ain6 Woohoo-

.owie6 "ongratulations- Because of all of your pandering: you were a#le to s+ueeAe aictory out of a co(pletely alienated electorate&

c"ain6 I)( an independent thinker-

.owie6 'ell that to all of the special interests who helped elect you- 'hey want faors-Eou pro(ised the $ational ssociation of 9eligious Broadcasters that you wouldoerturn 9oe


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Se%&e$ enneb&n+ &shbiies

e#:'he Governor of Florida: agood ol) >ohnny 9e#&But then#rother Georgegot the country in afunk:o he wentto talk toDaddy in the town of 5ennebunk

7=ort: that isfancy yachts: lo#ster tails

Well the first thing you know: ol)Jebain)t gonna run'he kinfolk said: ?Georgeisnthaingfun-@

.e said?'allahassee is the place I oughtta #e:?Eou canhave your oto(ac: I)ll #e staying #y the sea-@

7?"ari##een:@ that isMfancy digs: hurricanes

'.; 5;$$;BD$5 BD.BIHHI;-

7fast #an*o #reak

It)s never ti(e to say good#ye toJeb and all his kin&'hey)ll skipa generation: oh: #ut theyll#e #ack again&We suffered underDubya: #ut we)re too +uick to forget:nd we)re sureto see (oreBushes: you can makeno safer bet-

E)all take coer nowMthey)ll #e #ack: ya hear


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Rea Word e reans

5+TV# Real World 3ew !rleans, 67+A heads stuck in a house, no music, +ichael

$hertoff, *ush 2aughter, +ichael *rown, Ray 3agin1


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BB6 I)( trained in selfdefense& I know 'aeBo&

".;9'%%6 'aeBo is for physical fitness: not selfdefense: Ba#s&

$hertoff gets on the tele"hone

9E6 What are you talking a#out

BB6 Eou don)t want (y (oney

".;9'%%6 .ello: this ichael "hertoff for the resident& Ees: I)ll hold&

9E6 $o: I need you to work with (e-

BB6 Work What)s that

9E6 I want you to work with (e to help the thousands of people stranded throughoutthe city& 'he Kthward is in dire need&

BB6 Wow: I didn)t know your people cared so (uch&

9E6 What-- We are in a state of e(ergency& 7Rays bee"er goes off I don)t haeti(e to e,plain this to you- 'he hospital needs power- .and (e the phone: r&"hertoff&

".;9'%%6 I)( on hold with the White .ouse: r& $agin&

9E6 I don)t care who you)re on the phone with-

BB6 r& $agin: he)s tryin) to talk to (y !addy& It)s real i(portant&

9E6 What could #e (ore i(portant than restoring power to a hospital-

".;9'%%6 r& resident Ees: this is r& "hertoff& >ust wanted to let you know thatyour helicopter ride oer $ew rleans is all set& What Ees=I)ll #e on the roof towae&

Rays bee"er goes off again

9E6 Gie (e the phone-

3agin and $hertoff struggle.

".;9'%%6 ee what you)e done It)s disconnected now&

9E6 Good-


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".;9'%%6 Good

9E6 Eou all need to head down with (e to the %; office- We were supposed toopen 2 hours ago-

B9W$6 I did a heck of a *o#-

".;9'%%6 Ees you did-

BB6 I)ll #e down to help after (y (anicure: r& $agin&

9E6 Eou don)t need to hae a (anicure to pass out for(s and help people- What iswrong with all of you-

".;9'%%6 Brownie and I are going waterskiing fro( o#ile to Baton 9ouge-

9E6 h no you)re not-

".;9'%%6 h yes we are- o(e#ody has to put these e(ergency credit cards to gooduse: and it (ight as well #e (e-

9E6 Eou Eou aren)t in need- Eour house isn)t underwater-

".;9'%%6 ure it is- Brownie #ought (e a su#(arine to lie on- 9ight in the (iddleof lake onchetrain-

9E6 WhatWhat is wrong with all of you Why won)t you help (e- Why is no#odyhelping (e-

*ee"er goes off again, Ray exits

BB6 .e)s so dealing drugs& I think I loe hi(&

B9W$6 I did a heck of a *o#&

9E6 in a se"arate area

City of the Risin% Food

ley #roke in $ew rleansnd caused a rising flood&It)s #een the ruin of (any a poor ho(end (ine: I know: is one&ine: I know: is one&


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When W flew a#oe the scenend ean enn rowed a #oatI was stuck in the uperdo(eurrounded #y a (oaturrounded #y a (oat

o: if you co(e to $ew rleans!on)t do what I hae done&5eep (oin) on to Baton 9ougeway fro( the rising floodway fro( the rising flood&

7B9W$6 'une in ne,t week for (ore of 9eal World 7underwater $ew rleans


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Say Str&thers Commercia Se%&e4525$600 omeess

ally6 .ello: I)( ally truthers& With all of the changes in the Bush ad(inistration:(any ca#inet (e(#ers and other for(er high ranking officials find the(seles out of

work&

'his is (y friend .arriet& ne (inute she was giing the president #ack ru#s and sponge#aths: now she)s shacked up with ri %leischer in a card#oard #o,-

.undreds of thousands share the sa(e fate as .arriet: #ut now there)s a way to helpthe(& %eed the 9epu#licans #rings relief and solace to people like .arriet: and now youcan too& %or *ust one dollar a day: the price of a cup of coffee: you can gie the( a cupof coffee- $ot tar#ucks: though=and a s(all coffee& $o crea(& >ust call 1800"ru(#ling d(inistration now& $ot only will you (ake a difference: #ut you will alsoreceie a picture of your 9epu#lican and a personal letter of thanks *ust like this one&

Reads letter

!ear r& and rs& >ones: thank you so (uch for the cup of coffee& It really kept (eawake the whole day while I searched for food and shelter& incerely: >ohn shcroft&

We can)t do it alone& We need your help& "all now-

Seasons of &n%er

ll6F2F:00 .o(elessF2F:000 *ust on one streetF2F:00 ho(elessHooking for so(ething: so(ething to eat

In trashcansn sidewalks%ro( strangersr (ay#e roadkill

#agel pigeonr goern(ent cheese: there)s

F2F:00 ho(elessnd they can do whateer they please

Go get a *o#-Go get a *o#-Go get a *o#-


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Coo+in% Sho 8 ancy -eosi,s !ivin%

53ancy /elosi a""ears in an a"ron, very 2onna Reed1

$$"E6 Welco(e to another edition of $ancy elosi)s Hiing& I)( your host: peaker

elosi& 'hank you: 'hank you&

n today)s edition I will personally teach you how to throw a s(all inti(ate dinner partyfor 43FN all while transfor(ing your staunchy old .ouse into a new .ouse that)s loely:light: and li#eral&

D#CR(T*) S#)"#T'

Eou (ay #e wondering to yourself: $ancy: now that you)re peaker: what are you going to do with t#ig ol) .ouse& Well: I)( glad I asked& When I repossessed the .ouse: the first thing I noticed was hpoorly decorated a roo( our stuffy old forefathers had designed& "learly: there was no thought on howo(an)s touch could finesse the .alls of "ongress& 7A subtle aside to the camera1urely !olly a

had so(e s(art ideas that fell on deaf ears&

y first task was a dooAey: #ut I: peaker $ancy elosi: the first wo(an peaker of the .ouse O andsecond in line to the residency hae neer shied away fro( a challenge& Because if a (an can do first: then a wo(an can do it #etter-;eryone knows when you hae a task that appears too #ig: the si(plest thing to do toaffect change is to diide the task in half& 5&he "ulls out a blue"rint clearly showing howthe Re"ublican will be banished behind a wall& 'he first thing I did was to create adiider (ade of plywood: drywall: and a nice laender potpourri& nce the wall wasconstructed and the 9epu#licans were segregated to the where they #elong: I decoupagedthe walls with a5getting carried away B9IHHI$' W;9, 5catching herselfI (ean$eutral owder Blue: and stenciled a tri( in #oth 9oyal and $ay&

C*) S#)"#T'

$ow: if you)ll follow (e into the kitchen: I will show you (y fa(ous ?First 100"loesof Garlic@ "hicken& It)s truly scru(ptious and yields enough to sere li#eral portions&9e(e(#er any #rand of rganic "hicken will work& But stay away fro( purchasing prestuffed BD';9 #rand "hicken& Because when you fill a BD';9: you)re *ust wastingti(e&

7A bell tinkles or an egg timer goes off1.appy .o(e(aker 'ip of the !ay6 It)s i(portant to sere a well #alanced (eal on awell #alanced #udget& nd when sering your (ain course: re(e(#er to always serefro( the Heft: and 9e(oe the 9ight&

CR(FTS S#)#"#T

%inally: when hosting a .ouse of 43F: it)s i(portant to hae eerything (apped out ahead of ti(e& seating chart is a (ustN and to show you *ust how si(ple it can #e: I hae singlehandedly handcraftehandwritten placards to hand to all (y guests& Inside these delicately wrapped recycled paper scrolnew piece of legislature personally written in calligraphy #y yours truly& I hae wrapped a yellow ri#


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around each oakwood scroll to sy(#oliAe (y patriotis( in a passieaggressie display of noniolen

nd that)s a Good 'hing&

I %D$! E '.9IHH $ "I'H .IHH

$ "I'H .IHH W.;9; I) '.; $;W ".I;%I)HH E BIHH $ "I'H .IHHI) !9;;! ' 5IHH& $W !$)' GI;W

*nfomercia4 Troop S&r%e$ !obbyists$ 9Withdraa Deay Cream:$ osted by

"onica !eins+y$ -&in% o&t is ard to Do


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$heesy 9:s trum"et line


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9e(e(#er whenEou won each fight:nd (anned your stationll through the night&'hink of all

'hat)s left to do"ause pullin out is hard to do&'hey say that pullin outIs hard to do&nd you know: you know'hat it)s true!on)t say that this is the endInstead of pullin outI wish that you were pushin through again&

Histen to (e:I tell you true:'here)s still a lot you hae to do:y oil derricks long for you:o pullin out is hard to do&Histen to (e:!on)t say good#yey iddle ;ast deseres another try& #igger gun could help you too:"ause pullin out is hard to do-

Crime Drama4 !a and rder -;/-


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D!EI)e said please eery way I know how to: r& Hi##y-

"';9'hat)s not the (agic word: s& iller&

>D!EWhat)s the (agic word: then

"';9'he really really (agic word

>D!E'he really really (agic word-

&cooter leans over to whis"er in 4udys ear

>D!E cont)dI can)t say that: r& Hi##y- I)( an adult- Eou)re an adult-

"';9%ine& .ae it your way&

&cooter begins to tear the memo

>D!E$o-

"';9Eou)re doing this to yourself-


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>D!E6ll right- ll right- lease: (ay I see the (e(o=cooter

"';9

. . .--- ay it again- ay it again-

>D!E6r& Hi##y: I

"';9ay it-

>D!Ecooter=scooter- "';9----

They get more and more excited

"';9key dokes: here you go-

/lacard, -!ffice of 4udy +iller, 3ew )ork Times, Washington 2.$. *ureau0

Goren6 o: s& iller: e,plain this to (e like I)( 3&

>udy6 'here)s nothing to e,plain: really: I was haing dinner with r& I& Hewis Hi##ey&

Goren6 What does the I stand for

>udy6 I)( not sure: actually=Iring I think

Goren6 .ow do you generally refer to r& Hi##ey

>udy6 What do you (ean

Goren6 I (ean: if you were going to call hi( on the phone: or introduce hi( to afriend=

>udy6 I don)t understand the +uestion&

Goren6 !on)t play du(# with (e: s& iller-

>udy6 Eou can)t inti(idate (e: copper& I)( a *ournalist for the $ew Eork 'i(es& Ioperate under the highest degree of *ournalistic integrity known to (an-Goren6 !oesn)t he (ake you call hi( cooter


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&ilence, 4udy breaks down sobbing

Goren6 nswer the +uestion: s& iller& Why would a grown (an go #y cooter- Whatcould possi#ly possess so(eone oer the age of 10 to willingly #e called cooter #y hispeers

/lacard -;rand 4ury Room 3umber :?, Washington 2.$.0

s& Hawyer6 r& Hi##y&

cooter6 r& Hi##y is dead- I a( cooter-

Hawyer6 .uh

cooter6 lease: *ust call (e cooter& It (akes (e so happy-

Hawyer6 &k&: cooter: did you tell 9o#ert $oak: >udy iller: att "ooper: 'i(9ussert: and anyone else you could find the identity of one s& une 10th2003

cooter6 s& Generic Hawyer Hady: I see a lot of (e(os in the course of (y work day&

Hawyer6 But this was one that had #een circulated on ir %orce ne& 'his one was seen#y a #unch of people who are (uch (ore i(portant than you& #unch of people whowe)re not prosecuting for so(e unknown reason-

cooter6 o

Hawyer6 o: r& I& Hewis cooter Hi##y: author of ?'he pprentice6 $oel@: did youleak the infor(ation in that (e(o and then shred it to coer your tracks

cooter6 Ees: yes: yes--- I confess: I did it: #ut only #ecause=#ecause=

Hawyer6 Because why: cooter

cooter6 . . .- ay it one (ore ti(e-

Hawyer6 Because why: cooter

cooter6sung.$; "HH


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HH H$; I$ E %%I";I '5; $'; HI5; I) L;! 'BD' '.;E G;' '.9W$ WE'.;$ I$!I"';$': ;H$! I) B"5 I$ '.; "D9'

'.DG. W.' %9 I WIHH $;


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5ein6 !oes it all (ake sense now

shleigh6 I guess=

9eed6 Where did you get that re(ote

'racey6 f course it does: tephen .awking=I)( so glad you decided to clear thewhole (ess up for us& Wow=eerything (akes so (uch sense-

shleigh6 It)s so hopeless---

'racey6 .ow are we supposed to change things It looks like they)re too (essed up tofi,&

9eed6 $ow: what)s with the attitude: guys I (ean: when Washington freed the slaes atGettys#urg: did he gie up When 9ooseelt wrote the e(ancipation declaration: did he

gie up When agellan circu(cised the world with a 20 foot clipper: did he gie up

5ein6 Eou know: you look like a nor(al hu(an #eing: #ut so(eti(es=

shleigh6 I think what 9eed is trying to say is that when things looked the worst in ourhistory is when great people did their #est-

'racey6 Great- $ow she)s in on it too- Why won)t you people let (e watch (y shows

shleigh6 Eou people What does that (ean

'racey6 $othing& 5ein- how us so(e (ore-

9eed6 Eeah-

5ein6 lright: #ut it)s not going to get any prettier-

9eed6 'ry (e- I can take it-

Sin%4(on% ith )eor%e W=


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;7!R;7 W. 7nters, singing the first verse of -'ome on the Range0.

'e takes off his sweater, "uts on some sli""ers, combs his hair, brushes his teeth, etc.

Son% C&e' ome on the Ran%e

G;9G;6h gie (e a ho(eWhere no li#erals roa(nd the folks all think the sa(e way&

Where each house has a gun: #ig cali#er one:nd the strangers are told ?(ake (y day&@

If they)d let (e play

nd (ake "ongress go away:'he agenda that I would put through&

;ach grade through the eighthWould #e taught #ased on faithWith the children all praying on cue&

.o(e: ho(e on the range:Where the #eer and the cantaloupe lay:Where seldo( is heard three sylla#le wordnd if so: then it)s one I can say&

G;9G;6Why howdy there: #oys and girls-

BE and GI9H6 7timid.owdy r& resident&

G;9G;6I)( sorry=I can)t hear what you)re sayin)&

BE and GI9H6 7a little louder.owdy r& resident&

G;9G;6Was that a greetin or a non#inding resolution

BE and GI9H6 7yelling


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.W!E 9& 9;I!;$'-

G;9G;6Goodness (e: there you are- I thought you had all disappeared like (y approal rating7laughs at his own oke@only one who does

HI''H; GI9H6I don)t get it=

G;9G;6Good: Lcause you)re not supposed to ?get it&@ Eou)re supposed to sing along with (e: sowhat do you say we get to so(e singin)

BEand GI9H6 7timidEeah&Guess so&

!o I hae to

G;9G;6I can)t hear you-

BE and GI9H6ure&Why not$othin) #etter to do&

G;9G;6ne (ore ti(e or y)all are grounded in Guantana(o-

BE and GI9H6E;.-

G;9G;6'here you are: I thought you had disappeared like the W!)s-

HI''H; BE6Is that a *oke

G;9G;6Boys and girls: so(eti(es when I)( feelin) #lue=I (ean less red than usual: I thinka#out the good ol) days& E)all are too young to re(e(#er: #ut there was a ti(e when Iwasn)t the decider&

$hildren in shock one starts crying, maybe for mommy


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$o: I know: it)s all right& It won)t #e like that again for a long long long long long longlong long ti(e& But #efore I was the resident: Bill "linton was the president&

$hildren hiss

I know: I know: ;il Bill hurt us real #ad: and I had to inherit all of his (istakes: whichhas #een really tough on your Dncle Georgie: so when I get to feelin) down on (yself: Ising this little ditty to cheer up&

Cinton is to ame4

Whateer)s wrong with this cruel worldBill "linton is to #la(eoIt)s Bill "linton)s fault:It)s Bill "linton)s fault:'heft: (urder: or assaultBill "linton is to #la(eo 7Bill "linton is to #la(eo

When >ulius "aesar got the knifeBill "linton was to #la(eotilla sacked old 9o(e!israeli wasn)t ho(erphan nnie lost her co(#Bill "linton was to #la(eo 7Bill "linton is to #la(eo

third of (ankind got the laguend "linton was to #la(eoWars and pestilence%rankenstein)s e,peri(ents"hewing gu( went up ten centsnd "linton is to #la(eo 7Bill "linton is to #la(eo

n earth+uake rocked the %risco BayBill "linton was to #la(eoHaa destroyed o(pei'idal waes washed towns awayy car had a flat todayBill "linton was to #la(eo 7Bill "linton is to #la(eo

'he econo(ic outlook)s #adnd "linton is to #la(eoo what if he did swellI won)t say and you won)t tell&o let)s go and yell'hat "linton is to #la(eo 7Bill "linton is to #la(eo

Who cares what is really true


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3/18/20143F

Bill "linton is to #la(eoEell: screa(: spit: and cussGo kick up a fusss long as it)s not usBill "linton is to #la(eo

$hildren a""laud

Boys and Girls: do you wanna hear a scary story

".IH!9;$6 7timidEeah&

G;9G;6$ot again& ay it like you (ean it&

".IH!9;$6 7less timidEeah&

G;9G;6 7through clenched teethI)ll sick 5arl 9oe on you: he)s a desperate (an-

".IH!9;$6E;.-

G;9G;6Well: once upon a ti(e: there were two superpowers: can you say superpower

2ndGirl6ooper power&

G;9G;6"lose enough& Well: one superpower #eat the other superpower in a ga(e of newcuelaroneuppingship&

Hittle Boy6What)s oneuppingship&

G;9G;6It)s when we won: alright nd then: there were no #ad guys left&

$'%(2R73 $elebrate

G;9G;6o you know what we did then We gae weapons to a #unch of people who now wantto kill us&


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Hittle Girl6Why would we do that

(>is of #vi

&ince the fall of the Berlin Wall'here is (uch upheaalWe need a new ene(y to pursue,is of eil&

B&I can)t find sa(a andI need a short reprieeilI still can point (y finger at6

,is of ;il-

&;cuador and Aer#ai*anerhaps the .oly eeilnyone to throw off the press,is of eil&

B&Hithuania is our friendo is 'ennesseeil7But assachusetts soon will *oin7the ,is of ;il-

$hildren A""laud

G;9G;6$ow: Boys and Girls: I)e got to #e getting #ack: #ut #efore I go retrograding down theol) highway: let)s reiew what I taught you last week& What)s our cornerstone&

HI''H; BE6Hower ta,es-

G;9G;69ight: and why do we lower ta,es

HI''H; GI9H6o we can #uy (ore stuff-


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2ndGirl6But&&&four=and two=and

G;9G;6

What are you doin

2ndGirl6"ounting&

G;9G;6We don)t count here& "ounting is what terrists do& re you a terrist

2ndGirl6$o- I)( not a terrorist r& resident- I)( a s(art girl and you)re not (aking any sense-

#conomic oo4oo

Is this a plan Bush ad(inistration #oo#oo&What)s it this ti(eeen cents for a di(e&

We can)t afford'o get ourseles in deeper doodoo&'his is not the wayo what does George say.e says6

Eou start #y adding two and two and co(e up with si,-'he #oys at rthur nderson hae taught (e so(e tricks&'he wealthy get co(passion:'he less well off can ration&'ightening your #elt this year will #e in fashion-

y detractors say that all I wanted was war& 7oh yeah-'raitors in the populace still pine for l Gore& 7hBut I)( residential'hat)s what is essential&I don)t see how anyone could want for (ore-

ta, cutting planade of econo(ic oodooWon)t put us #ack


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"6 I can)t wait to hear this one&

G;9G;6 Get (e all of the nannies e(ployed #y "ongress& 'hat should do the trick&

"6 o I can go #ack to >uanita

G;9G;6 I don)t care where you go: aco: *ust so long as you don)t try to en*oy thesa(e #enefits and freedo(s (y ancestors en*oyed when they ca(e to (erica-

/aco runs to 4uanita

"6 >uanita: I a( yours: I hae co(e ho(e&

>D$I'6 $o: aco: I no longer loe you&

"6 >uanita-

>D$I'6 y loe: *ust as this wall: #elongs to another- ;l residente-

G;9G;6 e

"6 .e

>D$I'6 i- "o(e #e with (e in e,ico- ur president isn)t duly elected either-

G;9G;6 Eou (ean: leae the D&=leae Haura: and !ick: and 5arl: and=o((y

>D$I'6 i-

"6 >uanita-

uanita leae aco Will ;l residente find his way to another country Willa 00 (ile wall oer a 2000 (ile #order that re(ains unfunded #y "ongress (ake anydifference in the war on terror Will the (inute(en get a life 'une in to(orrow for thene,t chapter in ?'he Walls of ur Hies@

Stran%ers on the Ri%ht ?Commercia@

9;;!6


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.ippie an 1 79eed6 .ey (an-

.ippie Wo(an 1 7shleigh6 'otally grooy: daddyo-

.ippie Wo(an 2 7'racey6 %ar out-

9;;!6 $o: (an: (a*or #u((er-

.H;IG.6 !ude-

'9";E6 What)s wrong: #ig poppa-

9;;!6 y chad: (an=it)s hanging&

'9";E6 $o way-

.H;IG.6 Eou need a doctor

Kevin enters

.ippie an 2 75ein6 $o doctor)s gonna cure this disease& It)s all oer for us&

'9";E6 Why

5;


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"a(paigns #uilt on dirty (oney>ust forget a#out it honey it)s nefarious: nefarious

When 5en Hay has sold his seenth housend auctioned off all #ut fie cars

'hen su#poena the financialsf those not yet #ehind #ars

'his is the dawning of elections precarious;lections precarious: precarious: precariousrecarious: precarious: precarious: precarious


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7Reginald starts to lose it

h (y God people: really: F0 cents 'hat)s all B is worth to you Well that)s *ustgreat: (erica- !on)t any of you re(e(#er esa(e treet Where)s your

"o(passionate "onseratis( now I guess $


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'he de(ocrats should run #a(a-.e)s drea(y as can #e:s anyone can see:uch grace&

#a(a-George can)t know that I loe #a(a-'he (uscles in his chest!o so(ehow get the #estf (e-

#a(a-ay it loud and it)s presidential-ay it soft and it)s al(ost re)rentiala(a=I)( *ust so turned on #y: #a(a-

/lacardE -6rom *etween %raC and a 'ard /lace ?FF?


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ay#e there were no W!But hey the killingI will (ake is real

Fina S+etch$ sitcom rap4&p$ (nythin% )oes Reprise

5ein6 !oes it all (ake sense now


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Documents

Freedom Toast Script 3.12.07