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Two hippy types are chased by infamous killer Jason Voorhees. will they survive thier harvest
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A long, long
time ago, about
five minutes
before I started
writing this, John
and Glenn
Kanubus went to
collect their crop.
While they were
in the middle of
“harvesting”, they
heard that cheesy
horror music
playing behind
them, indicating their certain doom.
“Hey, what was that, dude?” inquired
John
“I don’t know, man”, Glenn said
“You should go check it out, dude”
“Okay, man, but first let’s tell that
ominous orchestra to quit playing that
cheesy horror music”
“Right. Hey! Shut up, dudes”
The orchestra was reluctant to quit
playing so John took the baton from
their director and chased the musicians
away.
“Why would anyone play ominous
music here, man” said Glenn. “Nothing
bad ever happened at camp crystal lake,
home of famous murderer Jason
Voorhees, man”
“Let’s get our stuff and get out of
here, dude” John suggested
The two turned
around and saw a
large mysterious
man in a hockey
mask staring down
at them with a
machete in his hand.
Glenn’s brilliant
response was
“Whoa, man”
“Yeah, whoa,
dude. When did you
get here, dude?”
exclaimed John.
Jason’s only response was his
signature ghostly retort “Choo-choo-choo-
choo-hah-hah-hah…”
“Is that the hulk, man?” Glenn asked.
“Dude, everyone knows the hulk
doesn’t play Hockey, dude.”
“You know you’re totally right, man.”
Jason simply retorted again.
“He plays football, dude.”
“I thought he did baseball, man.”
“No way, dude. It’s soccer, dude.”
“Didn’t he play tennis in the
Olympics, man?”
“I think he did, dude.”
In the midst of their bickering, Jason
lifted his machete and swung at them.
The shot barely missed Glenn’s arm.
John was the first to exclaim. “Whoa,
dude”
“What the – what’s your problem,
man. That’s my good looking hand,
man.”
Jason took a step toward them and
lifted his machete again.
Glenn intelligently suggested “Let’s
get out of here, man!”
They began running away as fast as
they could. They ran until they found a
road, with a car parked on the shoulder
with a woman outside of it on her cell
phone.
The woman said “I told you there’s no
reception out here. I think I’m lost.”
John’s brain finally kicked into high
gear. “Dude, let’s take her car, dude”.
“Okay, man.” Glenn obliged.
They snuck up to the car and slid in
as quietly as they could.
“Start the engine, but be quiet, man.”
Glenn ordered.
“Right, dude.”
John started the car and the engine
began to roar.
“What the…” the woman exclaimed
“She sees us, man!” Glenn observed.
“Go, man!”
John yelled as loud as he could and
slammed on the gas. Unfortunately, the
car was still in park, so the engine roared
loader without any movement.
Glenn was shocked. “I think it’s
broken, man.”
“I don’t know what’s wrong, dude.”
said john. “Oh! I bet we have to move this
little stick, dude.”
“Wait! I’ve seen people do this before.
We’re on ‘P’. That means ‘Please Hold’.
We need to be on ‘R’. That means ‘Run’,
man.”
“Got it!” John said, as he shifted to
“R”. This put them in “Reverse”. When
he slammed on the gas once more, Jason
emerged from the forest. Unfortunately
for him, he stepped out onto the road
behind them. The car shot backwards
and ran the murderer over.
Shocked by the response, Glenn said
“It’s broken, man! It’s supposed to go the
other way, man!”
“The stick
must be wrong,
dude!” John
suggested.
John moved
the stick back and
forth until he hit
“Drive”, and the
car began racing
forward. Jason had just regained his
footing when the car plowed back over
him.
John was awed by the sight of this.
“Did we kill him, dude?” he managed to
say.
Glenn retorted, “You can’t kill The
Hulk, man.”
“He’s not The Hulk, dude!” John shot
back, angrily. “He’s not even wearing a
rugby shirt!”
The woman was
in disbelief. “Hey!
Come back with my
car!”
They stopped
next to the woman
with the killer
beginning to get
back up behind them.
“Get in, man!” Glenn yelled. “I’ll
scoot over.”
“What are
you talking
about?” she
screamed back.
“I said get out of
my car!”
“You can either get in here or stay out
there with him, dude!” John said as he
motioned towards the approaching
menace. She looked over and didn’t need
to be told again. His scuffed and bloodied
clothes along with his weapon of choice
were enough to set her straight. She
jumped right in.
“Who is that guy?” she managed to
ask after getting safely in.
“A real mad athlete, man.” answered
Glenn.
“I think he’s on steroids, dude.”
added John.
“That stuff is bad for you, man. No
wonder he’s mad. He’s got ‘roid-rage,
man!”
John and Glenn wasted a few seconds
nodding at the assessment while the
woman tried to make sense of the
situation. “Can you just drive?” she
added in a fuss.
“Quick!” Glenn shouted. “Put it in
‘run’, man!”
“Put it in ‘Drive’, morons!” the
woman screamed.
“Oh! They’ve updated these things,
haven’t they?” Glenn asked in a stupor.
As Jason approached, they were able
to figure out the simple mechanics of the
car and drive forward. They drove for as
long as they could, which was about two
hundred yards.
The car slowed to
a stop, and all the
warning lights
came on at once.
In his surprise,
John asked
“What happened,
dude?”
The woman answered “I stopped
because I was almost out of gas!”
“What a coincidence, man!” Glenn
said. “The car needs gas to go! Wow,
man!”
Fear reinstated, John asked “What do
we do, dude?”
“He’s coming!” the woman yelled in
fright.
“Hey, I know.” Glenn said smoothly.
“Let’s go into that conveniently-placed
old barn, man.”
As they looked
at the shabby
building, John
said “That is
convenient, dude.”
They all
scrambled out of
the car and
sprinted for the
barn. As they got inside, they saw a huge
pile of lumber.
“Let’s use that to block the door!” the
woman said.
Glenn hesitated, and then added
“Whoa! Let’s think this through, man.
He’ll expect us to be in here. I say we
block the door from the other side and
hide on the outside, man.”
In an awed stupor, John said “Wow!
That is genius, dude!”
“There’re no windows, idiot! We have
to block it now!” the woman yelled.
Before anyone was able to make up
their minds, they heard heavy boots
getting ever closer to the barn. John and
Glenn just stared at the door while the
woman looked for anything to aide their
efforts. At first, it seemed that all was
lost, until she saw the ladder to the loft
above.
“Up there!” she shouted.
She scrambled up the ladder with the
two dimwits stumbling up behind her.
They hefted the ladder up behind them as
Jason walked in. He slowly turned his
head from side to side without catching
sight of his prey. As he turned to walk
out, a bale of hay crashed to the floor. He
whipped around and saw the three
victims staring down.
“Whoops, man.” Glenn said.
“It’s okay, dude.” John added. “He
doesn’t have a way up to us.”
Glenn’s face suddenly lit up. “Yeah,
man. Hey! What are you going to do from
down there, man?” he shouted at the
monster. He then saw realization in the
killer’s eyes as he began walking toward
the loft’s base. “Oh, that’s not good,
man.”
Before their
eyes, he stalked
over to the support
beam of the loft
and began
chopping at it.
“What do we do
now?” the woman
asked frantically.
“We’re finished
now, man! Game over, man! Game over!”
Glenn added.
“Oh no we’re not, dude!” John said as
he jumped down onto Jason’s back and
put him in a strangle hold. All of a
sudden, heavy-metal fight music starts as
if they were in a movie.
“Do you hear that music, man?”
Glenn questioned in wonder.
“Shut up and help him!” the woman
screamed.
“Oh, right, man!” Glenn then jumped
for it and slammed into Jason before
landing flat on his face on the ground.
Rolling her eyes, the woman jumped
down and drop-kicked Jason in the face.
She hit the dirt and quickly race forward
to land another blow across his head.
The big oaf hit
the floor like a
sack of potatoes.
She then found
a rope to secure
him with.
“Man! That
was too close.”
she added after
the deed was
done. Before she
knew it, however,
Glenn got up and
sucker-punched her. She was out cold
before she hit the ground.
“What in the heck did you do that for,
dude?” John asked frantically.
“She just whooped that guy, man!
Imagine what she would do to us for
what happened to the car, man.” Glenn
retorted.
“Whoa! I guess that sounds right,
dude. She could’ve beaten us black and
blue, dude.” John agreed.
Looking smug, Glenn said “Well, it
looks like we saved the day, man!”