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2 Really Important Corporate Lessons

LESSON 1

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On theirway through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.They rub the lamp and a ghostappears.

The ghost says : "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allowone wish each"

So the eager senior manager shouted : "I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas ,on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff, and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted : "I want to be in Florida withbeautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pfufffff, and he was also gone.

The boss calmly said : "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm ."

Moralofthe story :

ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST

____________________________________________

LESSON 2

Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen." said the CEO. "This is a very sensitive and important document, and mysecretary has left. Can you make this thing work ?"

"Certainly." said the young executive.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shreddermachine. "I just need one copy."

Moralofthe story :

NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING.

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Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their new store.As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put hisface to the window, and ask what we're selling'.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanesetourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What yousell?' One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said,'Ah Sooo You doing velly well, only two left'.Suddenly one of the employees in an organization took 10 days Leave Without any notice.

When he returned his PL asked for explanation.

The employee said "Sir, my mom died unexpectedly" .

The PL let it go at That. After 3 months the same pattern repeated, and this time the saidhis Father died.

Then the PL got changed.

After 3 months the same pattern Repeated.And the employee gave the explanation that his mom died.After 3 months same thing again...

And this time his father died.

This Happened repeatedly for 2 years.At the end, one PL checked his past Records and told him, "I have caught you redhanded, How come in the Past 2 years, your mom has died 5 times, and your dad hasdied five Times?"

NOW GUESS THE ANSWER...

V

V

V

V

V

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V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

To which the guy said, "Sir, my mom died and my father remarried. Then my father diedand my new mom remarried. Then my mom died and the new Father remarried. This hasbeen going on and on and on and..."

English Ain't Easy

So, you think English is easy, huh? Read to the end and see if you still thinkso.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produceproduce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present

the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

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9. When shot at, the dovedove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20. How can I intimat

ethis to my most intimat

efriend?Polish Divorce

A polish man moved to the USA and married an American Girl.Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office andasked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on thecircumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.

Does either of you have a real grudge?No, we have carport, and not need one.

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I mean what are your relations like?All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me.She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read, and it say:

~~~Polish Remover~~~

A blonde guy comes home early from work and hears strange noises coming from thebedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife n*ked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What happened" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack" cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs and grabs phone and just as he is dialing 911 his 4 year old soncomes up and says,

"Daddy! Daddy!.... Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on".....

The guy slams down the phone and storms upstairs into the bedroom past his screamingwife, and rips open the closet door.Sure enough, there is his brother, totally n*ked, cowering in the closet.

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"You Idiot" shouts the husband,

"my wife's having a heart attack and your running around scaring the kids!!!!"

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer. She married

again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 yearslater.

Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this veryloving woman and said,

"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret,

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs."

An elderly couple, both of them had lost their life partners.....knew each other well & had been going out for a long time.

Inspired by their friends, they decided to get married at the end.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding howtheir marriage might work well !

They discussed finances and living arrangements, their likes & dislikes and so on and soforth. . . . .

Finally, the elderly gentleman thought it was the good time to bring the point of theirphysical relationship. ???

'How do you feel about sex my dear?' he asked, somewhat tentatively.

I would like it "infrequently", the lady replied.

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The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his spectacles, leaned towards herand whispered,.....

'U said one word or two?'I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a fewdays off.A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'I jumped down and walked out of the office...When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're going to love this....)

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.'

Indians are Indians

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian were drinking at a bar, discussing what they haddone the previous evening.

The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil,then we made passionate love and I made her scream nonstop for five minutes."

The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a specialaphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutesstraight."

The Indian says: "That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with

Amul butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, then made love and I made herscream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours, phenomenal!"

What did you do to make her scream for two hours??

Indian: I wiped my hands on the curtains.

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Pareshaan thi Pappu ki wifeNon-happening thi jo uski lifePappu ko na milta tha aaramOffice main karta kaam hi kaam

Pappu ke boss bhi the bade coolPromotion ko har baar jate the bhulPar bhulte nahi the wo deadlineKaam to karwate the roz till nine

Pappu bhi banna chata tha bestIsliye to wo nahi karta tha restDin raat karta wo boss ki gulamiAppraisal ke ummid main deta salami

Din guzre aur guzre fir saalBura hota gaya Pappu ka haalPappu ko ab kuch yaad na rehta thaGalti se Biwi ko Behenji kehta tha

Aakhir ek din Pappu ko samjh aayaAur chod di usne Appraisal ki moh maya

Boss se bola, "Tum kyon satate ho ?""Appraisal ke laddu se buddu banate ho"

"Promotion do warna chala jaunga""Appraisal dene par bhi wapis na aunga"Boss haans ke bola "Nahi koi baat""Abhi aur bhi Pappus hai mere paas "

"Yeh duniya Pappuon se bhari hai""Sabko bas aage badhne ki padi hai""Tum na karoge to kisi aur se karaunga""Tumhari tarah Ek aur Pappu banaunga"

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back toFred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

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In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary areup yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!Eat your lunch and go back to school .'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for some lubricating lotion or cold creamand I think...

I gave him Fevicol.'Mrs. Smith pulled Mrs. Jones out of earshot of the porch, where Mrs. Jones' lovely young daughter, Linda, sat. "Itis really none of my business," whispered Mrs. Smith, "but have you noticed what your daughter is doing?"

"Why, no. Is she up to anything special?"

Mrs. Smith leaned closer. "Haven't you noticed? She has started knitting tiny garments!"

Mrs. Jones' troubled brow cleared. "Well, thank goodness," she said smiling, "at last she has taken an interest in

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something besides running around with boys."

========================================================

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman,"said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep itforever."

========================================================

Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring.

"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takesme to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach ."

"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats meto two weeks in Miami , and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."

Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody."

"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.

"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fiftydollars an hour - just to talk about me!

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the Englishlanguage.

He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes wereusually referred to as "she."

One of the students raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain.

So he divided the class into two groups: males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if acomputer should be masculine or feminine.

Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.

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The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had abetter model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyoneelse.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in their long-term memory for later retrieval.4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck onaccessories for them.

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high officialaround these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.Then you can choose where to spend eternity. '

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he findshimself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends andother politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good timesthey had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They arehaving such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

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Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp andsinging. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has beendelightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday Iwas here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced andhad a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.....

Today you voted.'

A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup allthe way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."

The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."

The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottlesand the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.

The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."

The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standingthere. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.

The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."

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The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over youand your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."

A Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving fromAtlanta when he turned to her and said - 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if youstrike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the totalstranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the southern congressman. 'How about global warming oruniversal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics.. But let me ask you a question first. Ahorse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets,while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Can you

explain.. Why?'

The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it andsays - 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming oruniversal health care when you don't know sh!t..?

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend

when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jumpout the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the leastof your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouringrain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running alongbeside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small groupof runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?

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'Oh , yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to gohome! '

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'No..........just when it's raining.

MYFIRST TIME----

It

Was my first time everAnd I'll

never forget

I'd do itagain

Without asingle regret.

The sky was

dark

The moonwas high

We were allalone

Just she

and I.

Her hair

was soft

Her eyes

were blue

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I knew justwhat

She wantedto do.

Her skin sosoft

Her legs so

fine

I ran my

fingers

Down herspine.

I didn'tknow how

But I triedmy best

I startedby placing

My hands onher

breast.

I remember

my fear

My fastbeating heart

But slowlyshe spread

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Her legsapart.

And when Idid it

I felt no shame

All atonce

The whitestuff came.

At lastit's finished

It's allover now

My firsttime ever

At milking

a cow...

One night a man and his date were about to go into his apartment after a night on the town. Before hecould open his door, his date put her hand on his arm, and said, "Wait a minute. Did you know that I cantell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door?"

I'm not sure, replied her partner, "give me an example!"

The first way, she tells him, "is if a man shoves his key in the lock and opens the door hard! That meanshe's a rough lover and that isn't for me. The second way," she continues, "is if a man fumbles around and

can't seem to find the hole. That means he's inexperienced and that isn't for me either! Which brings usto you,", she smiles. "How do you unlock your door?"

"Well", her friend replies, "Before I do anything else, I lick the lock FIRST."

To his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsivepatient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

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"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it,rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can`t tell which one it is. The aversion isobvious, you won`t dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."

"Thanks doc, I`ll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.

"What? My recommendation didn`t work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such asyours is!" answered the doctor.

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the patient.

"What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor.

"Well, I don`t smoke cigars anymore, but now I can`t go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt."

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that mybreasts are too small.

Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he uncharacteristically comes up with asuggestion: 'If you want your Breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub itbetween them for a few seconds every day'

Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbingit between my breasts.

How long will this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he said 'Worked for your bum, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he willprobably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account."The astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

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Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account now!""I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manageragrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problemhere?"

"There is no fuckin problem," the man says. I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want toput my fuckin money in this damn bank."

"Oh...I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time sir???"

A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told that theflight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless

technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs is then told,privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic

pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering adifferent type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Askedwhy he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight,

he replies :

"If it is the same software that is developed by my company's IT systems

department, this plane won't even take off." !!!!

That is called Confidence!! !

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert . During his first inspection ofthe outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was keptthere.

The nervous Sergeant said, "Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the

men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel."

The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant tobring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pantsdown and has wild and insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the men doit?"

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"No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."

Moral of the storyIf you are not sure of how things are done, don't be ashamed to ask for clarification before doing it ...not after you have done it wrongly...

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign

on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it...'For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were toomistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

I stopped at Mc Donald's and ordered some fries.

The girl behind the counter said "would you like some fries with that?"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!'

Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where? '

They walk among us!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want thesun waking him up every morning.

She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'

My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime.

She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff....... '

They Walk Among Us!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------

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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about thesunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.

She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.

She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friendsaid, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!"I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head isturned....

They Walk Among Us !

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.

The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in goodhands.

'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'....(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone andthe cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cutit into 4 pieces;I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!

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And last, but not least:Dumb as a box of Rocks

A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelositook the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appearscompletely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If theperson hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example wouldyou? I must confess I don't know much about history..'

Javed and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London .

Habib begs just as long as Javed but only collects 2 to 3 every day.

Javed brings home a suitcase FULL of 10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot ofmoney to spend..

Habib says to Javed 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of 10 notes everyday?'

Javed says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Javed says 'No wonder you only get 2- 3

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Javed shows Habib his sign...

It reads:

'I only need another 10 to move back to Pakistan'.Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heartattack & our driver ran away

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************ ********* ********* ********* *****

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says :"If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends"..

************ ********* ********* ********* *****

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant. Panic is when

both are pregnant.

************ ********* ********* ********* *****

A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential?

Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also myson, THAT is confidential.

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult tofind a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all theseshort term relationships."Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she askedearnestly."The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counseled the therapist.So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a youngfellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. Shetook him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for anevening of abandon.When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside tablewas 2000 rupees and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buya pair of shoes that fit you."AMother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Momwas a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcardfrom the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

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The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said: "Good till the last drop.

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. KingSize"

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went byand still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"

Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found thead for SAA.

The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted !!!!

A lawyer and an Indian are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The

lawyer is thinking that Indians are so dumb that he could get one over on

them easy...

So the lawyer asks if the Indian would like to play a fun game.

The Indian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and

tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is

really, really a lot of fun.

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5;

you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," the

lawyer says.

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This catches the Indians attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to

play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the

Moon?'

The Indian doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar

bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Indian's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three

legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the

Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After

one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Indian and hands

him $500. The Indian pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Indian up and

asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The Indian reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with Indians!!!

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy,Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of40 years

of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE(Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for theSHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have

been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program(Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once,SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems

appropriate.

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Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income forDependants and Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early

Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not beSHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.Worst dayoflife

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink . He stays like that forhalf-hour.

Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy,and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: " Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I

just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life.

First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.When I left the building to my car,

I found out it was stolen.

The police, they said they couldn't do anything.

I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I foundthat I left my wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener.

I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, youshow up and drink my poison..."

This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other toilet saying:

'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got

into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,

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'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:

'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so Isay:

'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another

question.

'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end

the conversation. I tell them

'No..I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say nervously...

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other toilet who keeps

answering all my questions.'