AS 18 MILLION GLUTEN-INTOLERANTS and 3 million celiacdiseasesufferersinthiscountrycantellyou,havingtolivegluten-freeisnotawholelotoffun—butatleastAprilPeveteauxhasmanagedtomakeitfunny.GlutenIsMyBitchisabrutallyhonest,entertaininglookatwhatlivingag-freelifeentails.Asanantidotetothetragicnewsthat,no,youwillnevereatregulardoughnutsagain,Aprilprovides50gluten-freecomfortfoodrecipesthatwillmakeeventhemostfrustratedgluten-intolerantsmilewith relief. Also included are sections on gluten-free cooking at home, eating out atrestaurants, what to do when you’re traveling, what happens when your kid has to gogluten-free,howtobeveganwhilegluten-free,andmuchmore.Hilariousandirreverent,GlutenIsMyBitchisamust-haveguideforanyonewhoisgivingupthegluten.

Publishedin2015byStewart,Tabori&ChangAnimprintofABRAMS

Copyright©2015AprilPeveteaux

Allrightsreserved.Noportionofthisbookmaybereproduced,storedinaretrievalsystem,ortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,mechanical,electronic,photocopying,recording,orotherwise,withoutwrittenpermissionfromthepublisher.

TheLibraryofCongresshascatalogedthehardcovereditionasfollows:Peveteaux,April.Glutenismybitch:recipes,rants,andridiculousnessforthegluten-free/AprilPeveteaux.pagescmISBN978-1-61769-030-3(hardback)1.Gluten-freediet—Recipes.2.Gluten-freefoods.3.Comfortfood.I.Title.RM237.86.P482013641.5’63—dc23

2013006605

PaperbackISBN:978-1-61769-157-7

Editors:JenniferLevesqueandCamarenSubhiyahDesigner:RachelWilleyProductionManager:KathleenGaffney

Stewart,Tabori&Changbooksareavailableatspecialdiscountswhenpurchasedinquantityforpremiumsandpromotionsaswellasfund-raisingoreducationaluse.Specialeditionscanalsobecreatedtospecification.Fordetails,contactspecialsales@abramsbooks.comortheaddressbelow.

115West18thStreetNewYork,NY10011www.abramsbooks.com

ForMom.(Sorryforallthecursing.)

INTRODUCTION

ChapterOneWHATTODOWHENYOU’RECRAPPINGYOURPANTS

ChapterTwoSOYOUCAN’TEATGLUTENANYMORE

ChapterThreeRECIPESFORTHEDOWNTRODDEN(AKATHEGLUTEN-FREE)

ChapterFourWAITER,THERE’SAPOTENTIALALLERGENINMYSOUP

ChapterFiveWHAT’SVEGAN,PALEO&CROSSFITGOTTODOWITHIT?

ChapterSixHOLYCRAP,MYKID’SACELIAC

ChapterSevenTRAVELINGWHILESPRUEING:PARISDOESN’THAVETOSUCK,BUTITMIGHT

ChapterEightJETPACKSFORCELIACS

ChapterNineWHAT’SNEW,GLUTEN?

RESOURCES

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

CONVERSIONCHART

INDEXOFSEARCHTERMS

Areyouperusingthe“specialdiet”sectionofthebookstorerightnow,pickingupgluten-freetomesandtryingtofigureoutifthisisthebookthatwillbeusefulinyourgluten-freequest (or forcible life sentence)?Letmegoaheadandanswer

thatquestionforyou:Ittotallywill.

I’m guessing you’re looking for a little guidance, maybe some crazy deliciousrecipes,andawholelotofpoopjokes.You’vecometotherightplace.Butwait,there’smore!I’malsoheretoofferyouhope.Hopethatsomedayyouwillfeelnormalagain,andbeabletogobacktoavoidinganysectioninthebookstorethatusestheword“health”asa descriptor. Hope that even though you’re giving up gluten now, you can still enjoydevil’sfoodcake.Maybeevenhopethat,whileyougoaboutthebusinessofdiscoveringwhat is upwithgluten-freedoughnuts, aREALdoughnutmight be in your future. JustwaituntilItellyouwhatmedicalscienceisuptoinceliacresearch.Yeah,itisawesome,andI’mstokedtotakeyouonthisjourneytoHopesville.

YoumaybewonderingwhyIamspendingmytimetryingtomakeyou—theglutenintolerant—feel better about your current situation. That is a very good question, mybrand-newandincrediblygood-lookingfriend.

ItwasonlyafewyearsagowhenIfoundmyselfinyourposition;wonderinghowIhadfallensofarfrombeingthe“newfiction”browserinthestoretonowstandinginfrontofthedietsectionlookingforanswerstoquestionsaboutmyjacked-updigestion.Sure,Iwas able to score some great books filledwith gluten-free recipes and a few celebrity-pennedtalesofglutengonewrong.YetwhatIreallyneededwassomeonetotellmeitwasgoing to be all right.Not “It’s going to be great!Whydon’t you go ahead and cut outdairy,casein,sugar,andallfun?”Instead,wonderingwhynooneelseseemedpissedoffabout this situation, I left the bookstorewith another Swedishmystery in hand and anincrediblesenseofinferiorityaboutmybadgluten-freeattitude.

Just likeyour therapistwould tellyou,sometimesyouhave tobeyourownBFF. Iwenthomeandcreatedmyblog,GlutenIsMyBitch,andstartedtalkingbig-timesmackaboutglutenandtheceliacdiseasethathadsuddenlyappearedandtakenawaymyvilli.Ithelped. It really helpedwhen I started experimentingwithmy deep-fat fryer, and evenmoresowhenpeopleseemedtoenjoylearninghowtomakegluten-freecakes,pies,andcookiesasmuchasIenjoyedeatingthecreations.Andthat’swhythisbookissittinginyourhands.Thegluten-freepeoplewant toeatcake.Thefact is,moreandmorepeoplearegoinggluten-freeandallof themaren’t intomixing twenty-eight flours tomake theperfectsoufflé,orchanting“I’mGrateful”whiletheydineout.ThosepeopleneedsomeGlutenIsMyBitchintheirlives.Justlikeyoudo!

Let’s bring it down for just a minute. Here’s the thing about going gluten-free,whetheryou’vebeengivenaceliacdiseasediagnosisor justknowyoufeelbetterwhenyou’renotenjoyingcinnamonrollsforbreakfast,flatbreadpizzaforlunch,andapileofspaghetti Bolognese for dinner: It’s fucking hard. I won’t sugarcoat that for you, so ifyou’relookingforabooktocheerleadyouallthewaytoVegantown,maybelookupandto your left. (Note: I do have some amazing gluten-free and vegan recipes inside these

pages,’cuzI’mall-inclusivelikethat.)Smilingthroughthepainofwatchingyourfriendsenjoyunlimitedbreadstickswhileyourplatesitsemptydoesnotchange the intensityofour shared gluten-free torment. Let’s own that pain and complain about it until we’reaskedtoleavetheparty.It’snotallaboutwallowinginself-pity,thoughplentyofthatiscertainlyinorder.Youaregivingupchocolatecroissants,afterall.

GlutenIsMyBitch:Rants,Recipes,andRidiculousnessfortheGluten-Freewilltryalittlebittomakeyouseethebrightside,butifyoudon’twantto,Iwon’tdismissyouas“difficult”andwillinsteadtakeyououtfortequilashots(naturallygluten-free,y’all!)andtacos.I’llalsotellyouplentyofoff-colorjokesonthewaytoconqueringyourgluten-freediet,andholdyourhairwhenyouthrowup.Weareauniquepeoplewhocannotenjoythebest of what the bakery has to offer any longer, and so therefore we deserve specialtreatment,yetnoonereallywantstogiveittous.ButIwill.Infact,Iam!I’mreadytopamperyouandpokewithastickanyonewhodaresgetinmyway.That’sjustthekindofgalIam.

Perhaps, before delving into Gluten Is My Bitch, you would like to see somecredentials.HowaboutIaskthesameofyou?AssomeonewhoknowshowtousethehelloutofGoogle,IwillnowdiagnosisyoubasedonsymptomsandInternetsearches.Thoseof youwho discover throughmy incredibly nonprofessional quiz that you are, indeed,glutenintolerantarewelcome.Therestofyouarewelcometoo,butyoushouldreallyseesomeoneaboutthatgout.Ready?Answermethis:

1.WhenIwakeupinthemorning:

a)Ihavetothrowup.

b)Mysheetsfeelliketheyareslicingmybigtoeintoamillionpieces.

c)MyenergyisatitshighestandIjumpoutofbed,excitedtobeginanewday.

d)I’mstilltired.

2.Afterlunch,Iusually:

a)Feelgoodforthefirsttimeallday,atleastuntilIgethungryhalfanhourlater.

b)Wonderwhat’supwithmythrobbingbigtoe.

c)Hitthegym—it’sthebesttimetotakeadvantageofmypost-lunchenergyboost.

d)Poopmypants.

3.ThelastthingIthinkaboutbeforeIgotosleepis:

a)Isittooearlytohavebreakfast?

b)Isitokaytowearskibootstobed,onaccountofthispaininmytoethatisaggravatedbymysheets?

c)IhadthemostamazingdayandIfeelGREAT!

d)Wow,Isuream…zzzzzzzz…

Ifyouansweredaoneveryquestion: Congratulations,you’repregnant!

Ifyouansweredboneveryquestion: Damn,son,you’vegotthegout.

Ifyouansweredconeveryquestion: Ifuckinghateyou.

Ifyouanswereddoneveryquestion: Yep,you’vegotaglutenproblem.

For all of you “d” people, come joinme in the gluten-freeworld as I continue tomakenewdiscoveries,withmuchemphasisontheridiculousnessofoursharedbread-freesituation. Really, it’s OK in here. I mean, not as OK as eating brioche every day forbreakfast,butit’lldo.Welcome.

Hellothere!Ifyoupickedupthisbookbecauseyou’recrappingyourpants,Ihavetosayyou’vecometotherightplace.SopullupyourbowlandsquatbecauseIcan fill you in on what funny things are happening to your body. Almost as

uncomfortableas“thetalk”we’regoingtogothroughyourdigestivesystemandworkoutwhat this crazy problem actually is, or is not.Most likely you’re blaming gluten rightaboutnowbecause,comeon,it’stheworst.Doyouhavetheautoimmunedisorderceliacdisease?(Note:Ifyou’reEuropean,it’scoeliacortheverycutelynamed,“sprue.”LuckyEuropeans.) Do you have a wheat allergy? Or are you one of those illusive “glutenintolerants”?Maybeyou’vedecidedit’sabouttimeyoutriedthatpaleodietallthekidsaretalking about. Whatever your gluten situation, you’re probably here because there ispooping, or perhaps, retching involved. If you’re super lucky you’ll also have a littleitchiness,abitofachiness,orallaroundcrankiness.Whichmeansit’stimetostartmakingsome incredibly painful and permanent choices about themost important thing in yourlife,whichis,ofcourse,food.Ifyouthoughtitwassomethingelse,perhapsyoushouldlookatadifferentbook,likesay,TheSecret.Butifyou’reheretolearnaboutyourweirdphysicalailments,readonmydisgustingfriends.

So,whatseemstobetheproblem?Checkone:

Iambloated,gassy,andnofuntobearound.

Ihavearashthatwon’tgoaway.No,it’snotsyphilis.Stoplookingatmethatway.

I’msotiredI’vegivenuponthedisconapandjusttakeapre-bedtimenap.

I’mprettysureI’mallergictoturkey,ratherthanthedelicioussourdoughitisservedupon.Stupidturkey.

Betweenthebrainfogandthecreakyjoints,I’veturnedintothatoldguywhoscreamsatemptychairs.

I’mlosingascaryamountofweight,andit’sreallynotawesomeanymore.

Orperhaps,you,likeme,hadviolentdiarrheaforthreemonthsstraight,woundupinthehospital,andfinallydecidedtotakecontrolofyourdigestivesituation.

Weareafunbunch,arewenot?

Nomatterwhat kind of sickness has taken hold of you, let’s blame gluten. If youwantorneedtogetglutenoutofyourdiet,bravo!Kickthatnastyglutentothecurb,Isay.Pretendit’sanunwantedcat(whichI’malsoallergicto,sonoproblem),or thatoneex-partner who is such a mistake you still cringe when you think about being seen withhim/her.Whatwereyouthinking?Really?

Butbeforeyoutotallyandcompletelybanwheat,barley,rye,andtheoddmanout—triticale—youshouldconsiderthefollowing:

•Maybeitreallyistheturkey.

•Perhapsyoujusthavepinworms.Inwhichcase,whew!(Andpleaseneversleepoveratmyhouse.)

•Ihatetoevenbringthisup,butitcouldbethedairy.

•You’ve beenwatching toomuchGrey’s Anatomy and are self-diagnosingwithoutamedicaldegreeorimprovclasses.

•Youdon’trealizebeerandcakebothhavegluten.

Aftercontemplatingalloftheabove,andmore,youstillmaywanttocutglutenoutofyourdiet.I’mnotheretodiscourageyoubutsimplytomakesureyoutotallygetthatglutentastesawesome,andyoushouldseriouslyconsiderwhatyourlifewouldlooklikewithoutgluten.(Itwill lookcake-lessandbeer-less,FYI.)Butifyou’vebeendiagnosedwithceliacdisease,oryou’reoneof the twentymillionAmericans strickenwithglutensensitivity,it’stimetokicksomeglutenass—andreadthisbook.

Not sure if gluten-free is for you? Perhaps gluten simply causes you somediscomfort, but you’ve never been diagnosed. Then eff that gluten! Get it out of yoursystem, ban it from your cupboard, and kick it out, with my help. The fact is, glutensensitivitycanbedamntrickytodiagnosis,eventhoughyoursymptomsarethesame—orworse—than those of your friendwho looks totally legit, what with her celiac diseasediagnosis.Don’t letanyonetellyouit’sall inyourheadbecauseevenif it isall inyourhead,it’sstillcomingoutofyourrearparts.Ifsomethingismakingyousick,stayawayfromit,nomatterhowtempting.Thatincludesbeerandcake,dammit.

Listen, somepeoplewillmakeyou feelbad forwanting todisrespectgluten.Afterall,breadisthestaffoflifeandallthat.Someofuswithceliacdiseasemightthinkyou’rejust trying to be trendy, and you could possibly hurt our reputation. Personally, myreputationisalreadyshottheminuteIwalkintoarestaurantandidentifymyselfashaving

special needs—so I’m coolwith all that. If you don’twant gluten in your life, send itpacking.Honestly,nomatterwhichwayyoucometogluten-free,Iwillnotjudge.Iwill,however,feelsuperstokedtohaveamealwithyousoIwon’tbetheonlyweirdoatthetable.

For those of you who have been suffering in silence, or suffering loudly andobnoxiously; or thosewhohave suddenly foundyourselvesgetting sick every timeyougrab lunch at the fried-chicken palace; or even thosewho just like reading scatologicalnonfiction—welcome.Nomatterwhyyou’rehere,I’mgoingtohelpyououtandoffthepot.Or at least, help you laughwhile you’re on the pot.Which is really how all greatworksshouldbemeasured:Doesitkeepmeentertainedwhilstonthepot?

I realize that someofyouare incrediblyangry rightnow.Thoseofyouwithsmallchildrenwithceliacarereadytopunchadoctorthencryyourselftosleepforthenextsixmonths.It’struethatthisisacrappysituation.Butwecangetthroughittogether,ifonlywemakefunofitandlearnhowtoeatBuffalowingsagainwithoutgettingviolentlyill.That’salaudablegoal,forusgluten-haters.Youmaynotfeel likeyou’rereadytolaughyet,butIsayyouare.SinceIamthebossofthisbook,youmustobeyorhaveatimeoutwhileyouthinkaboutyouractions.

Ready?Evenif—outofastrictsenseofdutyorgravity—youinsistonkeepingyourlaughlinesperfectlystraightthroughoutthereadingofthisguide,I’mstillgoingtohelpyouconquerthatdevilgluten.Exorciseitfromyourlife,andyourgut,andreplaceitwithmuchbetteroptions,aswellaslotsofconfidencewhenyouheadouttodinner.Nomorecontemplating adult diapers or resorting to wearing your old granny panties on dinnerdates.Thisno-bullshitguideisgoingtoallowyoutoliveloud,proud,andgluten-free.

WhotheHeckAreYou?

Youmaybe thinking, “Hey,April has celiac disease.Why is she so danghappy?Howdoesshe staysoZenwhenshecan’torderoff themenuanymorewithoutharassing theentirewaitstaff and the chef?How is it she can laugh about thiswhole gluten-free dietsuckagewhenitdoes,indeed,sucksomuch?”

Here’sthething.Firstofall,it’sanangrylaugh.Plus,I’vehadalittlebitoftimetowork through my deprivation issues and gluten challenges. I was once like you: justwakingupfromanesthesiaandfindingoutthat“WaffleWednesdays”arenowathingofthepast.SureIwasangry,peeved,andpetulant.ButthenIrealizedhowtobetotally,100percentOKwithcuttingglutenoutofmydiet.It’sabsolutelynoproblemtogogluten-freeaslongaseveryoneelseintheentireworlddoesittoo.

Sinceitseemslikethisisthewaypeoplearegoing,well,weceliacshavereallywonthiswar,don’tyouthink?ApproximatelythreemillionAmericanshaveceliacdisease,andprobably twomillion poor saps are going aroundwithout knowing they are part of theclub: pooping, crying, and wondering what the heck is going on with their digestivesystem.Therearetwentymillionofuswhoareglutenintolerant.That’sahugeamountofpeopleclamoringforgluten-freegoods!Thereareathletes,celebrities,andcrazypeople,alldemandinggluten-freefoodbeshovedintotheirgullets.Whichisactuallygreatforus

celiac types because nowwe canwalk into French Laundry and get gluten-free bread.Wendy’s offers a gluten-freemenu—some of the gluten-free foodstuffs even qualify as“value.”We’vewon!Now,don’tyou feelbetter?No?Darn it;areyoustillbloatedandirritable?OK,then,let’sgetreal.

HowDoYouKnowIfGlutenIsReallytheOne?

JustlikeyourlatestInternetdate,itcanbedifficulttofigureoutifglutenistheoneyoushould never, ever see or talk to or breathe upon again. The fact of the matter is thatceliacs take an average of ten years1 to get diagnosed. So you may be going aroundcrappingyourpantsforaverylongtimeandhearingdoctorstellyouthatit’sallinyourhead or that you’re just “stressed.” Of course you’re stressed: YOU’RE CRAPPINGYOURPANTS.Because there isno test for thegluten intolerant,youguys justhave tofigurethisbusinessoutforyourselves.Withtheaveragediagnosisofceliacdiseasetakingsodamnlong,andnoquickwaytoalerttheglutensensitive,youcanunderstandwhysomanyceliacsandintolerantsarekindofdowners.That’s tenyears(ormore!)ofdoctorstellingyoutogohomeandeatmoreyogurt.Ican’tevenimaginewhatitwouldbeliketobesickfortenyearswithnodiagnosis.WhichiswhyIconsidermyselfextremelyluckytohavegottenviolentlyillcontinuouslyuntilIhadtoadmitthattheonlyoptionwastohavesomeoneknockmeoutandshovesomethingupmybuttanddownmythroat.

Which brings us to how you know you have celiac disease. Celiac disease can bediagnosed in a fewdifferentways, but the proof is in the villi.You know, those hairy-lookingthingsinyoursmallintestinethatsuckupallthevitaminsandnutrientsyourbodyneedstofunction?Ifyouhavetheautoimmunediseaseofceliac,youcansaygood-byetothosecutelittlevilli.Infact,minewerecompletelygone.Orasmygastroenterologistsaid,“It looks like someone took an axe to your villi.” Nice violent imagery there, but I’mprettysurehefelthehadtogetbrutalwithsomeonewholetherbodybecomecompletelyworn down without picking up the phone to call a doctor until she wound up in theemergencyroom.Thegoodnewsis,ifyourvilliaregone,yourdoctorcantellyouwithconfidencethatyouhaveceliacdisease.2

Thebadnewsis,yourvilliaregoneandyouhaveceliacdisease.Butyetagain,thegoodnewsis,I’mtotallygoingtohelpyoufigureouthowtolivewithoutgluten.Hooray,me!Hooray,you!Boo,gluten!

Ifyouwentstraightfortheendoscopyandlearnedaboutyourvillisituation,you’regood, aswell as a total badass.But if youwant to start slowly, perhaps your first steptowardceliacdiagnosiswillinvolveatissuetransglutaminaseantibodytest,whichisalsoknown as the tTG test. This test shows if you have antibodies that are consistentwithceliacdisease.Maybeyourbloodtestcamebackpositiveforceliacdisease.Hey,minedidtoo!ButthebloodtestalsocamebackpositiveforCrohn’sdisease,whichisaheckofalotscarierthanceliac.(Ifyou’reCrohn’sandgluten-free,welcome!Iloveyourkindandhave nothing but respect for those of you who aren’t just, like, “Fuck it, take outmyintestinessoIcaneatbiscuitsandgravy.”Hell,Ihaverespectforthoseofyouwhodosaythat.Madrespect.)Sothisiswhythebiopsyviaendoscopyisalwaysafantasticideainordertogetanaccuratediagnosis.

If you haven’t been offered this biopsy option, you need to get seriouswith yourdoctor. Although I was rushed into the endoscopy and colonoscopy option, I’ve heardhorror storiesofpeoplewhowere ignoredby their doctors, never taken seriouslywhentheycomplainedofaches,pains,rashes,diarrhea,vomiting,andall-aroundunwellness.Ifyou find yourself in a doctor’s officewith an unresponsive physician, you’ve got to beloud anddemand a diagnosis.Celiac is no joke, nor is any food allergy or intolerance.Theymaybeeasytomakefunof,butifyoudon’thaveceliacundercontrol,itcanbelifethreatening. I’llget intoall theawesomediseasesundiagnosedceliaccanbringon later,butrightnowwe’reonlytalkingaboutpleasantthings.LikehowIfoundoutIcouldnolongervisitTheGrilledCheeseTruckwhenitwassothoughtfullyparkedintheFrostedCupcakeryparkinglot.

CraziestThingsI’veSaidWhileSufferingaGlutenAttack1.Here,takethisZiplocbagofpooptotheemergencyroomandhavethemanalyzeit.

2.IknowIsaidbeforethatifIdied,Ididn’twantyoutore-marry,butnowthatIthinkit’sgoingtohappen,dowhatyou’vegottodo.

3.Ireallydon’tthinkitwasthegluten.

4.Canyoupleasegogetmeaskinnyvanillalatte?

5.I’mfine.

AboutMeandMyDisgusting,DisgustingBody

Notsurprisingly,mydigestiveissuesbeganshortlyafterImovedtoLosAngeles.Alsonotsurprisingly,Iblamedeverythingonmycross-countrymoveasIleftbehindmybelovedBrooklyn, along with all of my street cred. But I had a family now, and onemust dowhat’sbestforthechildren,andthatmeantmovingsomewherewithperfectweatherandemploymentopportunitiesforthemanwhomakestherealmoneyinourhousehold—myhusband.Afterall,I’mjustawriter,andweallknowhowtheInternethasruinedallofourchancesofevermakingmoneyagain.Sothankyouforbuyingthisbookandallowingmetopurchasemyveryexpensivegluten-freesaltines.Youmayalsoneedtogetasecondjob(orwriteabook,’cuzyouknow,it’ssupereasy)inordertoaffordallofthosenewgluten-free foods. But we’ll explore that later, when I take you on a journey through thesupermarket.

BacktothepoopingandLosAngeles.LikeIsaid,IwasrippedfromBrooklynandploppeddown inSouthernCalifornia,where Iworked fromhomeandshuttledmykidsaroundtodaycareandpreschool.EverynowandthenIwouldfindmyselfindebilitatingpainandhangingoutonthepotallday.AssomeonewhohadpreviouslyeatenMexicanfoodandbarbecueateverysinglemeal,Iwasshockedatmysuddendelicateconstitution.YetIignoredit.Orrather,triedtoworkaroundit.

Andeverythingwouldhavebeenfinehaditnotbeenformyhusbandandhisloveofnothavingaheartattackinhis thirties.SuddenlythemanImarriedhadthegeniusidea

thatweshouldtrytogovegetarianforamonth.Giveittheoldcollegetry,sincehey,we’ddoneitforanentireweekafewyearsagoandthatworkedoutnotatallwell.Whynotgofor an entire month of getting creative in the kitchen, which also translates to buyingthingsinpackagesandreheating?Here’showitallwenthorriblywrong:Youknowwhatvegetarianseat,right?Gluten.Thosepeopleeattonsandtonsofgluten.You’vegotyourseitanandyourpasta,yourcouscous,and lotsofgrilledcheesesandwiches.And this iswhyIcanblamemyceliacdiseaseonvegetarianismand/ormyhusband.

Instead of feeling light and airy and super smug about not eating meat, I insteadfoundmyselfinaconstantstateofbeshatting.Still,Iwasblamingmymove,mystressfuljob,and the lackof insulation inour rentalhome(seriously,California,get it together).For amoment I even blamedmy best friend, dairy.But that didn’t last long because Ireallycouldn’tstaymadatdairy.Cananyone?Inhindsight,I’dhadafewsevereboutsofstomachdistressinthepreviousyear,andIwasconvincedthatIhaddevelopedarthritisataveryyoungage.ThentherewasthatwholewinterinNewYorkwhenIthoughtthecoldwasresponsibleformydry,flakyskin,yetitdidnotchangeevenwhenIvisitedTexas,thelandofhumidityandtheburrito.Soeventhoughthevegetarianismputmetotallyovertheedge,theceliacsymptomshadbeenslowlysneakingup,readytoattackassoonastheyhadagreatreason.Thatgreatreasonwaspastaeverydayforamonth.

It wasn’t until I wound up in the emergency room because I was pretty sure mystomachwasabout toripoutofmybody,andIcouldn’tevenbreathe throughthepain,that I finally took some advice from the ER doc. Twomonths later I walked into myfantasticGIdoctor’soffice(Iknow!HowstubbornamI?)andwasquicklyscheduledforanendoscopyandcolonoscopy.

Ifyou’veneverhad the joyofaprocedure that requiresyouemptyoutyourentireinsidesbeforeevenstepping inside thedoctor’soffice,youaremissingoutonaseriousgood time.Yet here’s how sick I hadbeenupuntil that point:When itwasmy turn todrink thatbatteryacid thatclearsoutyourentiredigestive systemfor, like, twodays, itdidn’tevenfazeme.Yep,mydailylivingwithexplosivediarrheawasmuchworsethanthe colon blowmost people avoid even at the cost of dying from cancer. I remembercomingoutofthebathroomatmidnightafteraboutsixteenhoursofthepre-colonoscopyregimenandsayingtomyhusband,“Huh,that’snotsobad.”

What’s also not so bad is the entire procedure if you have the proper insurance. Ihighlyrecommendyoudomakesuretheprocedureiscoveredbeforeyouwanderintothehospital because you want to be completely knocked out for an endoscopy and/orcolonoscopy.Trustmeon thisone.Gosella fewpiecesof jewelry tocover thegeneralanesthesia if it’snotcovered.Because someone isgoing to shovea tubewithacameradownyourthroatandupyourrectum.YoudoNOTwanttobeawakeforthat.Also,youdon’twanttohearwhateveryoneissayingaboutyouintheprocedureroomastheygetanintimatelookatareasofyourbodythatprocessfoodintowaste.

WhenIfinallydidwakeup,nonethewiserabout theviolationsthathadjust takenplace, I learned that I did indeed have celiac disease. Shockingly, thiswas a relief thatperhapsyoutoocanrelatetowhenyoufinallyfigureoutwhattheheckisgoingonwithyourbody.Becausemyfirst thoughtwasThankgod itwasn’tcancerorCrohn’s.Sorry,Crohn’speople,again—IwishIcouldwaveamagicwandoveryourinsides.ButthenI

hadsomeevenmoreurgentthoughts,onesthatyoumayhaveaswell.

Questions you may have, and should totally ask, when you wake up from theanesthesia:

•CanIeatcake?

•CanIeatcupcakes?

•Whataboutthoseminicupcakes?

•Notevenonmybirthday?

•Whothehelldoyouthinkyouare?

•Isthatevenarealcollege?OrdidyougetthatdegreefromaCrackerJackbox?

•CanIeatCrackerJack?

•Didyouleaveyourheadupmybuttwhileyouwereinthere?

•Areyousure?

•Thenyouwon’tmindifIshovesomethingupyourbutt?

HopefullyyourGIdocwillbeaschillasmineandwon’tthreatentogobackinwhileyou’reawakeand“canreallyfeelit.”

It’sshockingtodiscoveryoucan’teatsomethingthatisbasicallyeverywhereandineverythingyouwant toeat.Especially shockingbecause Ihonestlydon’tknow if Ihadevenheardofglutenatthatpoint.OfcourseIwasabouttogetintimatelyacquaintedwiththat toxic beast. By intimately acquainted, I mean stalking it and bad-mouthing it toanyonewhowouldlisten,followedbylotsofcryingbecauseImissedthatawfulgluten.

It’s true that thiswhole procedure of the emptying of your bowels, being knockedout, and having things shoved inside of you is unpleasant, but it is a necessary step tomakesureyouhaveceliacdisease.Thenyoucanresteasyknowingthatyoucannevereatglutenagainfortherestofyourlife.Andthat’showtheproceduregoes,unlessyou’reoneofthosepeoplewhohaveceliacdiseasebutneverhaveanygastrointestinalproblems.Oh,hell,youdidn’trealizethatwasathing,didyou?

BytheNumbersApproximatelythreemillionAmericanshavebeendiagnosedwithceliacdisease,andtheworkingtheoryisthatanothertwomillionaregoingaroundeatingglutenwilly-nillyandgetting sick, without a diagnosis. There are twenty million Americans who are glutenintolerant,poorthings.SotherearequiteafewofushereintheU.S.A.tryingtogetridofthegluteninourlives.Tohelpyougetavisualofhowmanyofusareoutthereshopping,talking back towaiters, and being generally aggressive about our food, here’s how thegluten-freestackuptootherpopulationsinAmerica.

Therearemorepeoplewhocan’teatthedevilglutenthan:

•JuggalosattheannualInsaneClownPosseGathering

•VotedforRossPerotforpresidentoftheUnitedStatesin1992

• Breastfeed their baby until the age of one year. Not that it’s any of your damnbusiness.

•Knowallthewordsto“FreeBird”

Therearefewerpeoplewhocan’teatthedevilglutenthan:

•Are“Single”onFacebook

•RyanGoslingfans

•VotedforMichaelDukakisforpresidentoftheUnitedStates(whoknew?)

•Havesungthechorusof“SweetCaroline”loudly,whiledrunk,atabar

•Have forgotten about singing “SweetCaroline” loudly,while drunk, somewherethattheycan’tquiterecall

WhattoDoIfYou’reNOTCrappingYourPants

Let’stalkaboutthatwhackness.Forsomeceliacs,orsomepeoplewhosimplyreactbadlytoconsuminggluten,it’snotthepoopingthatdrivesthemtodiagnosis.Thereareawholehost of non-gastrointestinal symptoms that are related to celiac disease, includingdermatitisherpetiformis.Afteryousaythatfivetimesfast,you’regoingtohaveanitchy,redrashtoscratch,thankstogluten.Eventhoughyou’renothavingdiarrhea,constipation,orvomiting,ifyouhaveceliacyou’rejustasunabletoabsorbthenecessarynutrientsandcanstillfaceallthosefundiseaseslikecancerorosteoporosisifyoudonotgetdiagnosedand get on that gluten-free diet. Other symptoms of celiac that are non-gastro-relatedinclude:

•Depression

•Brainfog

•Anemia

•Jointpain/Arthritis

•Musclecramps

•Mouthsores

•Acidreflux

•Dentalandbonedisorders

•Neuropathy(tinglinginyourextremities)

•Exhaustionandweakness

•Stuntedgrowth

•Weightloss

•Fertilityproblemsandmiscarriage

•Anxiety(Aren’tyougettinganxiousjustreadingthislist?)

•Migraines

•Acne

•Eczema

SowhatI’mtryingtosayis,havingceliacdiseaseaswellasglutensensitivityisanamazingtime,andyou’llalwaysbethelifeoftheparty.

WhyMe?

Ifyou’reasself-indulgentasIam,youmaybewonderingwhyinthenameofallthingsholyyouwoundupwiththisautoimmunedisorderorallergicreaction,orintolerance,orwhatever the heck it is that’s going down in your intestines. Although historically themedicalcommunitybelievedthiswasawhiteperson’sdisease—specificallypeoplefromthe UK andwherever they colonized (which is a lot of places, amiright?)—celiac andgluten sensitivity has nowbeendiscoveredon every continent.Whichmeanswe’re notalone.Sure,youmaybeIrish,butyoudon’thavetobetohavesprue.Also,it’spossibletohave thegeneticmarkers for thespruebutnosymptomsforavery long time.Which iswhathappenedtome,untilonefatefuldaywithafrozenpizza.

One theory I floated to my gastroenterologist and my nutritionist—that they bothseemedtobeonboardwith—wasthatmyrecentfoodpoisoninghadsomethingtodowithmy current condition. Although no one was willing to go on record and confirm, I’veheard anecdotes about food poisoning being the beginning of the end of a gluten-filleddiet. In fact, if you want me to get all celebrity on you, The View cohost and tokenRepublican, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and I both have celiac, and we both had a majorincidentwith foodpoisoningprior togettingall sick inourpants.See?Two ladies,onecommonthread.

Apparentlywearenotaloneinthatbecausethereisabrand-spanking-newstudythathas shown a connection between gastroenteritis and celiac disease3 wherein patientsexperience a bacterial intestinal infection twenty-four months prior to experiencingsymptomsofceliacdisease.Althoughmorestudiesneedtobedone,thisisthebeginningofresearchthattotallybacksmeupinmytheorythathadIskippedapoisonpizza,I’dstillbeenjoyingdoughnuts.BecauseitiscleartomethatIwaseatingthehelloutofgluten,and never had any physical ailment as a result, before Iwound up in the hospitalwithsevere food poisoning. I also was incredibly lucky to have had two very healthypregnanciesbeforethisparticularhammercamedownuponme,whichischallengingforaceliacwomanwhowishestoreproduce.Sothere.

Inthesummerof2009,rightaftermysonwasborn,Iwasenjoyingafrozenpizzawith not one, not two, but THREE meats atop its crust. Within about an hour I wasemptying my bowels and my stomach with such severity that I began to resemble anopiate addict detoxing onCelebrityRehabwithDr.Drew.Whichmay bewhy the finepeopleattheBrooklynemergencyroomIfoundmyselfindidnottakemeseriouslyandI

almostdied.MygeneralpractitionerdeterminedthatitwasE.coli,orsalmonella,orsomekindof seriouspoisoning thatcame frommeat.Since theonlymeat Ihadeaten (or theonlythreemeatsIhadeaten)inseveraldayshadcomefromthatnasty-asspizza,Iwrotealetter to Stouffer’s. I got a check for $20 and some coupons for more Lean Cuisineproducts, and apparently the beginningofmy celiac disease symptoms.Anote toLeanCuisine: Ifsomeonegetsviolently illonyourproduct,acoupon toeat itagainmaynotswayhimorher.Maybe.

I’mnotsurewhethertocursethedayMr.andMrs.StoufferconceivedbabyStouffer,who then tried his hand at a leaner cuisine, or to thank them for helpingme identify apotentially life-threateningdisease. I’mgoingwithcursingbecause thiswasmost likelythe trigger formy gastrointestinal symptoms,which justmight have been dormant andthusallowingmetoenjoyweddingcakeinsteadofsittingintheback,cursinglove.Atthesame time, I come from a family fairly riddledwith autoimmune disorders, and celiacapparentlyismine.Woo-hoo!Yetwithanyautoimmunedisease, thewhysandhowsareincredibly shady. This is why anyone with a weird autoimmune thing will experienceintensefrustrationwithgettingadiagnosisandtryingtofindatreatment.Butluckilyforthoseofusgettingdiagnosednow,thereismuchmoreawarenessandmuchless“Thisissototallyinyourhead.TakeaValiumandcallmenextyear.”NotthatIwouldn’tmindaValiumwhenI’matyetanotherschoolfunctionthatstartsdirectlyafterworkwhenI’matmaximumstarvationandthatservesonlypastaandbread.

Ifyou’reoneof thosepeoplewhohaveglutensensitivity, it’spossible it tookevenlongerforyoutofigureoutwhatwasbuggingyou.I’veknownpeoplewhoweresosicktheybegan theeliminationdiet inearnest,only todrop itafter fourdaysofeatingair. Ialsowonder howmany doctorswho have prescribed the elimination diet have actuallydoneitthemselvesbecausethatisoneridiculousthingtodotoyourself.Ifyou’veneverbeenontheeliminationdiet,consideryourself lucky.Here’swhatyou’renotallowedtoeat, in pursuit of what food is making your body miserable: dairy, eggs, gluten, corn,sulfites(wine!Ahhhhhh!),soy,citrusfruits,caffeine(again,ahhhhhhh!),andallprocessedfoods.Soenjoythathunkofgrass-fedmeatforafewweeks’causethat’sallyoucanhave.If you came to your gluten intolerance diagnosis in this manner, I salute you whilethankinggodformyviolentillnesssoIdidn’thavetodothiscrazydiet.

ThereISasuper-dupersilver liningtoallof this(orsoIkeeptellingmyself):Youhaveadiseasethat’s100percentreversibleifyoudoonething.Yes,thatonethingistonevereatglutenagainfortherestofyourlife.Andwhilethatmaysuck,it’saheckofalotbetterthanhavingtomedicate,receivebloodtransfusions,ororgantransplants.Don’tyoufeelbetteralready?No?

Thencomewithmeandfigureouthowyoucanturnthatintolerant,allergic,orceliacfrownupsidedown!It’stimetobustupsomeglutenanddiveintothegluten-freepoolofdeliciousness.No,I’mnotkidding.Youcanhavedeliciousnesswithoutgluten.Iswearonmymother’smuffinpan.

Youmaybesittingathomerightnowwithasteakandaheadofbroccoli.Ifso,goodforyou!That’stotallygluten-free.Don’tletanyonetellyouit’sweirdtositaroundwithyourfoodinyourlap,massagingitgentlyandponderinglife.You’re

offtoafantasticstart.Althoughsteakandbroccolidomakeaperfectlyacceptablemeal,atsomepointyou’regoing towant tobranchout.Thatmeansyou’regoing tohave togogroceryshopping.You’realsogoingtohavetotakeoutaloantobuylotsofgluten-freesubstitutes. Because gluten-free food costs more to produce, what with its fancy cleanmachinery,lowdemand,weirdgrains,andwithnoglutendrippingallovertheplace.Thatcost,ofcourse,ispassedontoyou.I’mjusttellingyoubecauseIdon’twantyoutogetstickershockthefirsttimeyoupickupyourgluten-freecrackersandgluten-freebeerforthe holiday weekend. Because nothing says “party” like crackers and beer! You arewelcome.Andhere’swhereIgiveyouthegoodnews:Gluten-freefoodforthesickistaxdeductible under medical expenses. What? That’s right, gluten-free food is like yourmedicinenow,people.Sowritethatshizzleoff.4

ButbeforeyougocrazylikeIdid,don’tracetoyourlocalhealthfoodstoreandbuyup everything with a GF label and go home and make amaranth doughnuts, sorghumdoughnuts, ricedoughnuts, andgluten-freepotatochipdoughnuts.Stopandassessyournewlifestyle.Yes,itisalifestyleevenifit’sbeenforciblyimposed.Maybeyouonlyneedtwovarieties of gluten-free chocolate chip cookie dough.Andprobably onegluten-freebrowniemixwilldoitforyou.Oh,hell,whatdoIcare?Gocrazyinthegluten-freeaisle(or shelf, as your store may not be with it just yet). It will be cathartic. Stock thosecabinetswithbuckwheatnoodlesandgluten-freesconemix.TryyourhandatrecreatingChelseaClinton’sgluten-freeweddingcake!Whynot?Butjustincaseyoudon’twanttospendyourentirepaycheckongluten-freeoptionsthatyouwindupthrowinginthetrash,maybekeepreading.

Yournewdietfoodcanbecategorizedintwoways:thenaturallygluten-freeandthenot-at-allnaturallygluten-freebut it isnowthanks toscience. I feel theurge to tellyouthatnaturallygluten-freefoodisgoingtobethebetterchoice.However,you’regoingtowantsomeofthatnot-naturalstuffaswellbecauseit’sdelicious.NotasdeliciousasthatTwix bar you can no longer have, but food companies aremaking great strides, and I

honestlyexpecttheTwixpeopletopresentmewithadeliciousgluten-freeversionanydaynow.I’mwaiting.

Here’showitallbreaksdown.

NaturallyGluten-FreeFoodsThatAreYourNewBestFriends

You’llbe shockedat all the foods that contain thedevilgluten.But sinceyouprobablyneverpaidonesecondofattentiontoglutenbefore,youmightbe justasshockedat thequantity of foods that do not naturally contain gluten. These foods are your very bestfriends.Youdon’thave tospeciallyprepare themormix themwhilecryingbecause thexanthan gum ismaking your fingers allweirdly slippery. (Oh, you’ll find out all aboutxanthangum,don’tyouworry.)Youcanjustpickthemoffatree,slicethemoffananimal,or milk them from a cow, and you’re good to go. That’s why that broccoli-and-steakdinnerwassuchagreatidea.Goodjobforthinkingofthat!

Justlikeallthosepeoplewhowritebookswithrulesonhowtoeathealthyandavoidthe grocery store glut, if you stick to the aisles around the sides of the store you’llprobablybesafe.Imean,nottotallysafe.There’ssausageoutthere,afterall.Butherearethesafest,andchilliest,sectionsofthegrocerystoretogetyourgluten-freeeaton:

•Butcher/Fishcounter

•Produce(that’sfruitsandvegetablesforyouformerfast-fooddevotees)

•Dairy

Bringyoursweater.

MeatIstheWord

Meat and fish, in itsnatural form, is totallygluten-free.Yes, evengrass-fedbeef. (ThatwasanactualquestionIsomeonehad—don’tmakefun.)Pleasenotethatpackagedmeatisnot in itsnaturalform.Meatwith“naturalflavors” isnotatallnatural,andyoumustfindoutwhatthoseflavorsaremadeofbecausealotoftimesthoseflavorsaremadeoutof gluten.Thegoodnews is, if you’re shopping for cuts ofmeatwith the help of yourbutcher,solongasnoonehasslatheredamarinadeorbreadcrumbsalloverit,you’resafetobuyouttheentirestoreandgohomeandeatit.That’sright,Ijustgaveyoupermissiontogoonameatgorge.Gocrazy!Oh,exceptforthatonesuper-deliciousmeat.

Thedelicious,yetdeadly,sausageImentionedearlier,forexample.Youdon’thavetogiveupsausagecompletely(thankyou,gluten-lovingJesus!),youjusthavetodooneoftwo things:Buy gluten-free sausage ormake sausage at home yourself. Sometimes thelatterisactuallyeasierbecausepeoplelovetofilluptubemeatswithotherbusinessthat,although delicious, will make the gluten intolerant keel over. Even if you’re buyingsausagefromyourfriendlyneighborhoodbutcher,hemightbeusingawheat-basedcasingaround that pure sausagemeat. Ahem, I said “pure.” Obviously the same goes for hot

dogs.Donot eat adoguntil you’vechecked its credentials.This isgoodadvice in anysituation.Forbothsausageandhotdogs,IhavefoundthatApplegatedoesadamngoodjobofkeeping themixedmeatgluten-free. It’salsoorganicandanti-antibiotic,which isonly helpful to those of uswith issues.Yes, I just strongly implied that you should goorganic.Don’thate.

WhyGoOrganic?

I’mnotheretotellyouthatyoucanonlyputorganicquinoainyourbodyfromnowon(thoughsomeonewilltellyouthat,youcanbetonit),butIwillsaythis—thelessjunkinyourfood,thelesslikelyyou’llwinduponthebowl.Organicproduce,dairy,meat,evenorganicprocessedfoodissimplybetterforyourbody’sdigestivesystem.Thelesscrapupinthere,thebetter.You’resensitivenow;actlikeit.

Organicmeansnosyntheticpesticidesusedonyourfood,nohumansewagefertilizerused(ewwwww!Nowyou’llnevereatnonorganic,right?),noantibioticsusedinanimals,andstrictseparationoforganicandnonorganiccropsgrownwiththehelpofchemicals.Itishopedallorganicproductswillbegintoalsobelabeledasnon-GMOfoods,andGMOfoodswill soon be labeled as such.That’s geneticallymodified organisms, for those ofyoukeepingscoreathome,andthatmeansfoodthathasbeenmessedwith,andnotforthebetter.Say itwithme:“NomoreGMOs!NomoreGMOs!”Ready to storm thecastle?Let’shavesomeorganicgluten-freechocolatefirst,shallwe?

To recap: Spend the extra and go organic, just so you know you’re not gettingpoisonous compounds along with your grapes. Your beat-up stomach will thank you.Unlessyoucan’tfindit,youcan’taffordit,orsomeotherreasonlike“Seriously?Whyareyoutellingmewhattodo?Youpromisednottotellmewhattodo!”It’sOK,youdowhatyou’vegottodotostaygluten-freeandabletopayyourrent.I’mjustsayingorganiciswhereit’sat.

Produce

It’safactthatyoucaneatasmanygreensasyou’dlikeandingestzerogluten.Thatalsogoes for oranges, reds, purples, and whatever other colors you find in your fruits andvegetables.Intheiroriginalform,fruitsandvegetablesaregluten-free.Justdon’taddanyglutentothatbusiness,andyou’llbegood.Sadly,thisalsomeans“pie.”Youcannotaddpie to your fruit and still be eating gluten-free. Unless, of course, you use one of mygluten-freepierecipes!Itoldyouthisbookwasgoingtobegood.

Really,anyproduceisgreatforyou,andofcourse,mostofitshouldbeorganic.Seethispagefororganicdiatribe.Ifit’snotavailabletoyou,orit’sjusttoodangexpensive,attheveryleastbuythese“dirtydozen5”foods in theorganicsection.Theseare thefruitsandvegetablesmosteasilycontaminatedbypesticides:

•Peaches

•Apples

•Sweetbellpeppers

•Nectarines,imported

•Strawberries

•Celery

•Lettuce

•Potatoes

•Grapes

•Spinach

•Cucumbers

•Blueberries

Idon’tmeantoharpontheorganicthing.ForthoseofyouwhoreadthestudyoutofStanfordthatsaidorganicisnotmorehealthythannonorganic,rememberthatI’mtalkingtoyou—thepeoplewithfoodissues.It’snotthatyou’relookingforahealthierapplewithmore vitamins; instead you’re looking for an apple that hasn’t been sprayed withchemicalsorcrossbredwithanalmondthatcouldwreakhavoconyoursensitivegut.Ijustwanttomakesureyouknowwhat’supwithyourgroceries.I’malsonotsayingonecanliveonproducealone,butifyou’relike,“Ohmygod!Everythinghasgluten!Ican’teatonedamnthing!!!”remember:produce.It’syourgluten-freebuddy.Youcanalwaysrollthatorangeinsugarand/orbeefifyou’rereallyfeelingpanicked.Infact,that’soneofmyrecipes!(Editor’snote:It’stotallynotoneofherrecipes;thatisdisgusting.)

Cheese,BeautifulCheese

Iworkedhardtoearnthenickname“TheDairyQueen,”whichiswhyitwassuchashocktomewhen I heard that oftentimes gluten and dairy problems go together. Iwas evenmoreshockedwhensomeoneimpliedthatperhapsitwouldbeagreatideaformetogodairy-free.Andimaginehowshockedhewaswhenhewoundupinaheadlock,betweenmyarmpitandmybosom.

Ilovedairy.Ilovecheese,butter,andcheesy-butter.Ithinkmilkshakesarethenectarof the gods, and I wouldn’t kick a fro-yo out of my bed. For those of us who are onrestricteddiets,it’stheseothercomfortfoodsthatwillgetusthrough.Minehappenstobedairy.You’llfindyourown,butifyou’researching:MayIsuggestdairy?Ifyoumustbedairy-free,allowmetooffermymostsincerecondolencesandsuggestyouskiprightovertothenextsection.Also,checkoutmyveganrecipesbecausetheyarealsodelicious.No,I’mnotkidding.

If you’re lucky like me, however, you’ll get much enjoyment by bulking up onalmosteverysingledairyproduct.NoticeIsaidalmost.AlthougharecentreportcameoutsayingbluecheeseisnowOKfortheglutenintolerant,I’veheardmanymurmuringsthattheoppositeistrue.Apparentlythere’sthisthingaboutthebreadmoldthatmakesthebluebusinessalluponthecheese.Breadthathasgluten.Glutenthathatesyou.I’msurebythe

time this bookwinds up on shelves and somewhere in cyberspace, someonewill havetossed out another opinion on the elusive blue cheese. So unless you think you’ll diewithout it, skip it until you hear otherwise. Remember, there’s always Gouda. Here’swhereIremindyouagain—goorganicandantibioticfree.Youreally,really,reallydon’twantweird stuff inyourdairybecause it travels throughyourbodyand turns right intomanboobs.

Iwouldberemissinnotpointingoutthatnotallfoodsfoundinthedairysectionofyourgrocery are created equal.Of course cheese, yogurt,milk, andbutter in thepurestformareallnaturallygluten-free.Butdairyissodamngood,peoplelovetogetinthereand muck it up. That’s because they’re just jealous. You’ve seen that yogurt with theM&Ms and granola? If only they’d stopped at the M&Ms, you’d be safe. Granola,however, isakiller.Everyprocessedfood—even thosemadefrombeloveddairy—mustbescrutinized.Itwasperhapsoneofthesaddestdaysofmylifewhenmygo-tospinach-artichoke dip was marked off my faves list due to the words “Made in a facility thatprocesseswheat.”Sure,it’spossiblethatwheat-processingmachinenevertouchedmydip,butwhoknows?Notme.Atleast,notuntilIwoundupbentoverthetoiletbowl.

And that’s the thing about going gluten-free: Some of us are more sensitive thanothers.Ifyouhappentohaveceliacdisease,orjusthappentobereally,really,sensitive,youcan’teveneatgluten-freefoodthathasinteractedwithgluten.ByinteractingImeanmadeinthesamemixer,factory,orevenkitchen.WhichbringsustotheconversationI’vebeendreading:thecross-contaminationdiscussion.

Cross-Contamination:BuyerBeware

Whetheryou’rediningout,diningin,groceryshopping,orDumpsterdiving,you’vegotto takenoticeofwhereyourgluten-free foodhasbeen.Youarenowagluten-free foodstalker, and you must embrace this creepy fact. Sometimes identifying gluten-freecontaminatedfoodisasobviousastryingtoprythatBrieoffabaguette,othertimesit’stotallyunclearandno,youdonotunderstandwhyyoucannothavethatgluten-freepizzathatwasmadeonthesamesurfaceasagluten-filledpizza.Especiallysincenotonesingleingredientisgluten.Thethingis,glutenissticky.Ifyouputacroissantdownonaplate,some croissant-y glutenwill stick to it. So don’t even think about licking that plate inhopesoftastingcroissantagain.Trustmeonthatone.

Thebummerofthesituationis,ifyoupickupafoodthathasalsobeenprocessedonthesamemachinery—orsometimesinthesamefacility—aswheat,youcangetglutened.That’swhythelittlegluten-freesymbolonpackagedfoodsissohardtoget.Thatbusinesshastobeclean.Thisisalsowhyifyoumakea(gluten-free,natch)dipandserveitupwithgluten-freebagelchipsalongsidegluten-filledbagelchips,you’regoingtogetglutened.Otherpeople’sdippingoftheglutenintoyourdipwillwindupinyourbody.Iknow!It’sthemostannoyingthingabouteatinggluten-free.Butit’snotquiteasannoyingaspoopingout your insides every five minutes. Some more fun examples of cross-contaminationinclude:

•Youuse the samepastapot tomakeyourgluten-freepasta rightafteryoumade

thatgluten-filledmacandcheeseforthekids.•Yousimplyscrapethatgravyoffyourmashedpotatoesandmoveon.Notsofast.Unlessyou’rerunningtothebathroom.

•Someonecameovertoyourhousewhenyouwereoutoftownandputhischickenfingers in your oven and on your pan. And now your pan has those stuck-oncrunchiesattachedtoitssurfacelikeforever.NotthatI’mmadoranything,Aaron.

•Youpick out the gluten-freeRiceChex from theChexMix that includes gluten-filledpretzelsandgluten-filledsoysauce.

•Samemixingspoonusedfortwoverydifferentrecipes.Obviouslyonehasgluteninit.YougetwhereI’mgoinghere,right?

• You make out with someone who just ate a piece of chocolate cake. (Althoughhonestly,whywould you kiss someonewho is flaunting his cake-eating abilities infrontofyou?Plus—getaroom.)

Alloftheseexamples,aswellasthosethatareclearlylabeledonyourdip,arewaysto get sick evenwhen you think you’re eating gluten-free. These reasons are alsowhysomepeoplewilltellyoutogetridofallofyourpotsandpansandstartoverwithgluten-free cookware. These same peoplewill suggest youmarch into everyone’s kitchen anddemandtoseehowthefoodisprepared.AlthoughIappreciatethisrigidapproachtoyourhealth,andit’stotallytruethatitwillsaveyourstomachfrommanywoes,IwilltellyouthatIdononeofthosethings.

Idohaveonepotandstrainerthatisdedicatedtoanythinggluten-related,andItrytokeep the other ones (which were used to cook up big ol’ pots of gluten before mydiagnosis)cleanandgluten-freeatalltimes.Ialsotossedmywoodenspoonsandwoodencuttingboardsbecausethosewoodentoolsliketohoardgluten.YetI’vealsobeenknowntoindulgeinabeandipthatwasmadeinthesamefactoryasgluten.Manytimes.Comeon, it’syummy,yummybeandip!Did Iget sick?No.Could somethinghavehappenedinsidemethatIwasnotawareof?Ofcourse.Infact,itmostsurelyhas.WhichiswhyIwillnowmaketheannouncementthatI’marisk-taker,arebel.It’scertainlyeasierformeto finda restaurant tomeetupwith friendswhen Ihave this laissez-faireattitudeaboutcross-contamination. And it’s definitely helpful in that I didn’t throw out all of myweddinggiftsandrestockmykitchenonceIwasdiagnosed.Butyouknowwhathappenedtomeatmyfollow-upvisit?Flatvilli.Youdon’twantthat,solistenup.

You’vegottomakeyourownchoicesonhowstringentyou’regoingtoberegardingcross-contamination, and every doctor will tell you to be ever vigilant. But remember,unlessyou’reinyourownkitchen,youcan’tcontroleverything.Evengluten-freemenusare at the mercy of the person preparing your food. Just by going to someone else’skitchenyou’retakingachance.Eitheryou’rewillingtodothat,oryouarenot.Hey,it’scooleitherway.IunderstandthatmylackofwillingnesstobeacrazedharpywhenIwalkintoarestaurantcouldcostmeacentimeterortwoofvilli.It’sachanceItake,butnotoneI recommendforeveryone.Orhell,anyone.Hence,my“buyerbeware”warning.But ifyou’reseriousaboutkeepingglutenoutofyourgut,you’vereallygottobeintenseaboutthis.Andsometimes, intensemeanstotallyannoying.(SeeChapter4.)Buthey,whoarewe kidding? Gluten-free people are already annoying by simply existing. At least

accordingtoassholeseverywhere.

SoWhereDoIFindtheDoughnuts?

I’m so sorry, but you can’t have real doughnuts anymore. Correction: You can havedoughnutsthatactuallytastelikecake.Thosefluffy,crispy-skinneddoughnutsarereallynot inyour future.But Idohavea radrecipeforbeig-nets!AlthoughnotaspoufyasaKrispyKreme,theydohavesomeairupinthem.Andthey’reFrench!Butneverfear,inaddition to the amazoids recipes found here, there are a ton of gluten-free desserts outthereforyoutograbandgowhenyou’reatthestore.Youcanstillhavesuper-deliciousdessertsthatwilladdjustasmany(ormore!)poundsontoyourassasthosewithdeliciousgluten.It’sawin/win.Hereareafewofmyfavoritethings:

•Icecream,gelato,sorbet—Solongastherearen’tanycookiepiecesorotheradd-insthatarecoveredingluten,enjoy!

•Flan—Naturallygluten-free,naturallyfat-adding.YUM.

•M&Ms—Youmayfindyourselflivingonthesewondersbecauseyoucanfindthemanywhere.

•Chocolate-coveredalmonds—Oranynut,really.Yes,I’mgoingtosayit.Gonuts!

• French macarons—Most of them, anyway. Occasionally some will havegluten,soalwaysask. (Youmaybe thinking:Macarons, really?Where,praytell,doIfindmacaronsinmysmallprovince?Macaronsarethehotnew“it”dessert,replacingyourlocalcupcakejointasItype.They’llbethere,andtheywillbedelicious.)

•Meringues—Fluffyballsofsugarwithnogluten.What’snottolike?

•Pudding—Not all pudding is created equal, butmost brands and flavors aretotallygluten-free.Thatgoesformoussetoo,whichisjustfancypudding.

•Jell-O—Trythemanyflavorsofpudding’scousinfromthewrongsideofthetracks,Jell-O.Youcanevenenjoythemasashot!(Seetherecipes.)

AShortConversationAboutFlour

Whilewe’reonthetopicofmakingdelicioussweets,let’shaveafrankdiscussionaboutgluten-freeflour,thebasisofmostgreatsweetthings.Unlikethedarkagesofeverydaybeforeabout fouryears ago, thereare fivemilliongluten-free flouroptionsavailable toyou.It’sconfusing.Youcan,andshould,experimentwithallofthesegrainfloursthataregluten-free,likesorghum,brownrice,tapioca,quinoa,potato,millet,andthenewkidonthe block, green banana. (Although I’m not experimenting with green banana flourbecause that is justweird.) The idea behindmixing it up with different grain flours isyou’ll get a nutritional powerhouse by eating healthy grain flours rather than grabbingyourbasicgluten-freeall-purposeflourthatusuallycontainsriceflour,cornstarch,potato

starch,andmaybexanthangum.Thisisagreatidea.Butletmetellyouhowthisisgoingtogodown.You’llbuyalloftheseexoticflours,experimentonceortwice,andabandonthemin thebackofyourcabinetwhere they’llgrowstaleorbe invadedbyweevilsandfreakyououtforlife.That’sjustunhygienic,andquitefranklyIdon’tevenknowifbugsare gluten-free. OK, bugs are totally gluten-free. Still, skip that step and grab the all-purpose.Let’stalkaboutthose!

Cup4CupbyThomasKeller—Imade themost amazingChristmas cookiesusingCup4CupFlour,andthat’sonereasonIworshipatthealtarofThomasKeller.WhenyouuseCup4Cupgluten-freeflouryoualsodon’thavetoaddxanthangum.Sowhenyoulookatmyrecipes,omitthexanthangumifyou’reinpossessionofthisfancyflour.However,there’snoneedtogoallfancy-pantswhenyou’rebatteringyourmozzarellasticks.Savethiswhitegoldforwhenitreallymatters,andyou’refeelingwealthy.

KingArthur’sGluten-FreeMulti-PurposeFlour—There’sareasonKingArthur’sgluten-free multi-purpose flour has a recipe for popovers on the box. Because KingArthur’sG-FM-P flour canbe used tomake some effingdelicious popovers.This is afantasticgo-toforjustabouteverythingelseaswell.I’veactually(knockonwood)neverhad anything turn out badlywhen usingKingArthur’smulti-purpose gluten-free flour.Youdohavetoaddxanthangumifyou’reusingArt’smix,butyou’llalwayshaveastashofthatinyourcabinetsanywaynowthatyou’reamutant.

Bob’sRedMillAll-PurposeGluten-FreeBakingFlour—BobisadorableandfromPortland,Oregon.Do you need another reason?OK, here’s one:BRM is committed tohigh-qualityandsafeproducts.Theyrock.Also,theymakethatxanthangumIwastalkingabout.

BetterBatterSeasonedFlourMix—Ifyou’refrying,thisisthewaytogo.It’slikeBetter Batter knows that what we really want, as gluten-haters, is that thick crunchycoatingonourchicken/deep-friedKool-Aid/broccoli.Theyaretrulymindreadersforthegluten-free. Better Batter’s cup-for-cup all-purpose flour is also the bombwhen you’rebaking,andyoucanskipthatxanthangumtoo.

Somepeopledon’tlikeusingtheexactcup-for-cupsubstitutionsthatareofferedbyBetterBatter andCup4Cup,but I’vehad consistent—anddelicious—resultsusing thesemixtures.Infact,forthemostpartwhenIwhipupsomethingusingeitherofthesedirectsubstitutionflours,It’sevenbetterthanusingamixtureofothergrainfloursplusxanthangum.

I’m thinking it’s time I explainedwhatxanthangum is all about andwhy it keepsbuttingintoeveryconversation.Thethingaboutglutenisthatit’sincrediblysticky.Onceyou removegluten fromyour baking equation, you’ve got a lack of sticky situation onyourhands.Xanthangumisathickeningagentinmanyfoodstuffs,fromsaladdressingstosauces,anditalsoactsasthestickywhenyou’reusinggluten-freeflours.SayyouhaveathingagainsttheletterX;there’salsoguargum.Bothofthesegumsaregluten-freeandused for the sole purpose of making food stable. Arrowroot is another thickening andsticky agent some chefs add to gluten-free single-grain flours, but it is incrediblyexpensive.Xanthangumdoesn’thaveataste,butwow,doesitfeelfunny.Thankgoodnessitdoesn’tfeelfunnyinyourmouthbecausethenwe’dnevereat itandwe’dbewalking

aroundwithoutgluten-freecake.Xanthangumgetsweirdonceitcomesintocontactwithliquid; itstarts tofeel likeyou’reputtingonapairofsilkygloveswhenyouwashyourhands after handling. But this is the least of your worries when it comes to theunpleasantnessofglutenintolerance.

Asyoureadthis, thereareazillionotherpeopledevelopinggluten-freeall-purposeflours.Experimentandfindouthowyougetthebestresultsintheeasiestwaypossible.AlthoughI’mallfortryingeverydifferentcombinationofgluten-freegoodnessinordertofindmuffin nirvana, somenight you’re really just going to need to throw something inflouranddeep-frythatsuckerwithinaninchofitsgluten-freelife.Itshouldn’tbetougherthanyourhighschoolchemistryclasstomakedeep-friedgoodness.Irecommendmakinglifeeasierandgoingall-purpose.

SneakyA-HoleFoodsThatHaveGlutenEvenThoughYou’dNeverKnowItbyLooking

Here’ssomemorebadnews,myfriends.Glutenisasneakybastard.Sometimesyou’reall“Wow,thisgluten-freemealisdelicious—oh,damn.”Ithappenstothebestofus,andyouliveandyoulearn.Justsoyoudon’thaveasmanyliving-and-learningaccidentsinyourpantsasIdid, I’mgoingtofillyouinonthosenot-obviousglutenousfoods thatarenolongerallowedinyourgut.

Soysauce—Idon’tgetthis,andIneverwill.Butthesneakiestofallisthesoysauce.Becauseyoudon’texactlygetthatwheatfeelwhenyou’rediningonsushi.Luckilythereisawheat-free tamariyoucanbuyandcarrywithyouwhenyouheadout for rolls.Ofcourse,youhavetoaskiftheplateofrawfishyou’reabouttoenjoyalreadyhassoysaucedrippingfromitsshinyloins.Forsomeofyou,thisisaneasyone.You’rethinking,“Ihatesushi!”Well,mypickyfriends,soysauceisalsofoundinmarinades,saladdressings,andteriyakisauce,makingitthesneakiestglutenofall.Whatthismeansforyouisthatwhenyou’reoveratafriend’shouseoratarestaurant,youhavetoexplainthewholesoysaucething. Then peoplewill be like, “Wait, can you have tofu?”Because soy sauce soundsexactly like“soy,”andpeoplewillbeconfused.Yes,youcanhave soyproductsof anykind,solongastheyarenotdrippinginsoysauce.Annoying,Iknow.

WTF,Triticale?We’reallclearonwhatwheat,rye,andbarleyarewhenwegulpthemdown.Ifyou’relikeme,whenyouheard thatgluten intolerantscannoteat triticaleyou thought,What in thehell is triticale?Aclubdrug?Worse.Triticale is theunholymarriageof ryeandwheat.Whypeoplefelttheneedtomergethesetwograinsisbeyondme,butI’msuresomeonehadagoodreason.Andthatgoodreasonwassurelycashmoney.Regardless,here’swhereyoucanfindtriticale,andsohereiswhatyoumustavoid.Also,lookfortriticaleoncereallabels—especially cereals notmade in theUnited States, because apparently triticale ismoreofaninternationalcropandnotfoundasfrequentlyintheU.S.A.Andsolongasnoonestarts tradingtheirLevi’sfor triticaleseed,weAmericansshouldbeOKifwekeepoureyespeeled.

• Cereal—Kashi SevenWholeGrainBlend,Bob’sRedMill TriticaleHotCereal,andmore

•Bob’sRedMill—TriticaleFlour&TriticaleBerries

•StarTrek’s“TheTroublewithTribbles”—Seriously, they talkedabout triticale inthatepisode.I’mprettysureyoucan’tgetglutenedfromwatchingStarTrek,butwenevercanbetoocareful,canwe?

Oats—Oatmeal seemed like an excellent breakfast alternative to me when I wasdiagnosedwiththeceliac.NomoreCap’nCrunchmeantitwastimeformetogrowup.However, oats canbug a celiac like nobody’s business.This is for a few reasons.One,somefacilitiescuttheiroatswithflour.Phhhhhpt.Two,somegluten-intolerantfolksfindoatstobeirritatingaswell.Justtobesafe,youshouldbuy“pure,uncontaminatedoats,”andthepackagemustbemarked.Eventhen,onlymoderateamounts(½cupto¾cupofsuchoats)areadvised.Ihighlyrecommendyougooutandgetthesepureoats;otherwise,you’llneverbeabletomakemydeliciousgluten-freedoublechocolateoatmealcookies.(Seerecipes.)

Soups—Howdid thatyummysoupget so thick?Gluten.Youknowwhatelsegetsglutenedtomakethemthick?Marinades,gravies,saladdressings,andsauces.Yes,eventhenextone.

Enchiladasauce—Yeah,Ididn’teventhinkthiswasathing.It’sasauce,madefrompeppersandtomatoes.However,asIdiscovered,someenchiladasaucealsohaschickenbroth,sovegetariansarenotsafeeither.Letthisbethelessontoallsensitivetypes:Anyfoodthathasabarcodemustbeconsideredsuspect.

Play-Doh—Ifyouwerelikeme,youtotallyatePlay-Dohasakid.Oh,youdidn’t?Well,don’tstartnowbecauseithasgluteninit.

Beer—MaybebeerisnotsosneakybecauseitseemedtomethateveryonewarnedmeoffhavingacoldonewhenIwasfirstdiagnosed.(WasitsomethingIdid?)Butyoumaynotautomaticallythinkofbeerashavinggluten.Itdoes.Don’tdrinkit.Unlessit’sgluten-free beer, but some of those even sneak some gluten inside, so read that labeland/orcallthatbeercompany.

CommunionWafers—Sorry,religiousfolkswhopartakeinthebodyofChrist,butyou’regoingtobebenched.AskyourpriestorministeraboutprovidinganalternativeorriskthewrathoftheLord.

Dextrin—Whatisthis,youmayask?It’sasneakystarchthat’susedasathickenerandinmedications.Yep,it’sgotgluten.

BakingPowder—Seriously,howannoyingisthat?Lookforthegluten-freelabelonthatstaple.

SkinnyVanillaLattes—Yep,learnedthatthehardway.Assholemermaid.

StampsandEnvelopes—Hahahahahahaha.Asifyouusethoseanymore.

VitaminsandMedication—Thisone is a doozy.Youneedvitamins tomake sureyournewgluten-freeself isgettingallof thenutrientsyoursensitivebodyrequires.Yet

somevitaminsandmedicationshavegluten.Dangit!Asforanymedicationyou’retaking,don’triskjustreadingtheingredientslist,alsoaskthepharmacist.Ifs/heseemsclueless,callthemanufacturer.Seriously,youdon’twanttogiveupnormalgood-tastingpizzajustto get glutened by your coldmedicine.Don’t rely on a generic of a trustedmedicationeither. I found myself getting glutened repeatedly by my generic Tylenol because thebrandnameisgluten-free.Turnsoutsomeofthosegenerics(Safewaybrand,I’mlookingatyou)throwsomewheatstarchintherewithouttellingus,orrather,withoutawarninglabel.Neverassume;youknowwhattheysayaboutthat.

Malt—Whetherit’sthatdeliciousonefromtheshoppeortheweirdoneatLongJohnSilver’s, anything with the word “malt” is now forbidden because malt usually meansbarleymalt.

Mustard—Notallmustard,butsometypesaremadewithale.That’sbeer,ifyou’reanAmerican.Again,you’vegottareadthatlabeland/orcallthecompany.Iknow!Yourphonebillisgettingridiculous.

Licorice—AndjustasImovedtothelandofRedVines.Thisalsogoesforlicoriceflavoring.

LunchMeat—Some brands of cold cuts, like Boar’s Head, pride themselves onbeinggluten-free.Othersarechockfulloffillers.Fillerswithgluten.Isyourphonereadyformoreaction?Call’em.

Touching Bagels—OK, most of you know that you can’t eat bagels anymore.Obvious gluten source, am I right? I discovered the hard way (“the hard way” meanspoopinglikecrazywithahousefullofguestsIhadjustfedbreakfast)thateventouchingabagelcantriggeranattack.Idon’tknowifit’sbecausebagelsarejam-packedwithglutenor I licked my hands after or have a secret weapon that shoots bagelness into yourbloodstream just by standing near, butwe can no longer have bagels in our house thatcouldpossiblycomeintocontactwithanypartofmybody.That’sright,anypart.(Note:Sinceyouhavetoactuallyingestglutentogetsick,Icertainlytouchedabagelandlickedmy hand because I’m disgusting like that. So just don’t touch a bagel, in case of thelicking.Ifyoumusttouchabagel,washyourhandsandlickaway.)

Yourtakeawayhereisthis:Anythingthatcomeswithalabelorinapackagemustbetreatedassuspect.Ifitisnotfoodinitspurestform(anditspurestformisnotwheat,rye,barley,ortriticale),you’vegottofigureoutexactlywhatwasusedinthemakingofsaidfood.Everyonehasbeenlyingtousaboutsaladbeinggoodforusbecausesaladhassomanyplacestohidethegluten.Glutenisafiendandmustbeferretedout.Nowyouknowwhysomepeopleonlyeatsteakandbroccoli.

DoIHaveCancer?AndOtherJoysofBeingaCeliac

Ifyou’rediagnosedwithceliac,youmayhaveother things toworryabout ifyoudon’tbanishglutenfromyourpresence.Howmuchdowereallyneed toworry,onascaleof“StartingabucketlistRIGHTNOW”to“Really?SoIhaveabetterchanceofmarryingaterrorist?” Well, if you cut gluten out of your diet you can dramatically decrease the

chancesofyourdevelopingoneofthesehorriblediseasesthatarecomplicationsresultingfromuntreatedceliac.Infact,thebestwaytokeepthesediseasesfarawayfromyourbodyistogogluten-freeandstaythatway.Thenyou’vegotabetterchanceofbeingkilledinacaraccident.Thisisthefeel-goodpartofthebook,obviously.Readytobescaredstraight?

•Malnutrition

•Anemia

•Osteoporosis

•Rickets

•Lymphoma

•Bowelcancer

•Peripheralneuropathy

•Seizures

•Thyroiddisease

MoreLiesAboutGluten

Here’sanotherthingaboutsneakygluten:Peoplealsolovetolieaboutit.Sometimesthatliecomesintheformof“Thereisn’tanygluteninthisfriedwonton,Iswear,”andothertimesitcomesintheformofthealarmistwhodeclaresthereisglutenineverysinglethingyoueatexceptforthatmagicalquinoa.I’msorrytotellyouthis,mygluten-freefriends,but there are people on the Internetwho lie.Hence,my total freakout aboutChapStickwhenIwasconvincedthatlovelylipbalmwasthecauseofallofmyproblemsbecausesomeoneontheInternetsworeChapStickcontainedgluten.FYI,itdoesn’t,sokeepthoselipsmoisturizedwithoutfear.ThesamethinghappenedwhensomeoneelseontheInternet(or maybe it’s the same horrible person) announced that you could only drink potatovodkaandthatotherwisevodkahasgluten.Seriously,thesepeoplewanttotakeawayyourChapStick and vodka on top of all of the other deliciousness. These are evil people.InsteadoftalkingtotheInternet,talktoanutritionist.WhichiswhatIdid,andnowmylipsaretotallysmoothagain,andI’mdrunk.

Shazi Shabatian is an amazing registered dietitian who first introduced me to theconcept of “crazy things that may have gluten inside” when I met with her after mydiagnosis.Shewasniceenoughtogivemethestraightdope.AlthoughShabatianhasbeendoingthisdietitianbusinessfortwentyyears,sheisadamantthat“thescienceremainsthesame”eventhoughtheproductmarketforgluten-freegoodshasexploded.“Thefoodsweweretostayawayfromthenarethefoodswearetostayawayfromnow,”sheexplains.“Sowhat really getsmy goat is glutenmisinformation. People get confused and reallyrestrict theirdietandareatevengreaterriskfornutritional imbalances.Please learn thefacts (like vodka is distilled, which removes gluten), so next time you read somethingsomewhere,youareabletodistinguishbetweentruthandhype.”

Thedanger,asShabatianjustexplained,isthatifyoustarttakingmorethingsoutof

your diet you could wind up being even unhealthier than you were before you startedcleaningoutyourcupboards.Weneedavarietyoffoodsinourlives,butsadlyglutenwillnotbeoneofthem.Keeponknockingotherstuffoutoftheparkandit’sjustgoingtobeyou and your sad head of broccoli left at the table.You heard it here, folks:Go drinkvodka.AndallofyouInternethoaxersneedtogobacktotrollingtheHuffingtonPost.

But who am I kidding? It’s an Internet world, and we all immediately go to Dr.Googlethesecondwehaveaquestionaboutourhealth.Idoittoo,butafterdiggingintorealresearchthatdoesn’tstartwithanhttp,I’verealizedthatyoucan’tallowyourhealthto depend on charlie3676.The bestway to get your gluten questions answered is to a)Read this book (duh); b) Ignore anyone who swears there is gluten in something andfollowsthatproclamationbyoneormoreexclamationpoints;andc)Callyourdietitian.Youdon’twanttohaveyourbirthdaynightruinedbecausesomeknow-it-allswearsthatwine contains gluten because she read it on www.imaglutenliar.com.Who invited thatjerk,anyway?

SoWhatKindofWeirdStoresSellGluten-FreeStuff?

IfyouguessedWholeFoods,you’retotallyawinner!Exceptforthatwholebankaccountthingbecauseyouwillsoonbethebiggestloserinthatarena.ButI’mnotgoingtoknockWholeFoodsbecausethatisoneoftheonlyplacesIknowIcangoandgetfoodforthenorms(akamyfamily)andfoodforme.It’sabeautifulplace,evenifwehadtogiveuptwoyearsoffamilyvacationinorderformetoshopthere.

Othergreatstoresthatstockuponthegluten-freeinclude:

•Erewhon

•Gelson’s

•H-E-B/CentralMarket

•Stop&Shop

•TraderJoe’s

•Vons/Safeway

•Wegmans

•Wheatsville

•WildOats

If you have a local food co-op now might be the time to join. I say “might be”becauseyoudohavelotsofotheroptions,butfoodco-opsaretraditionallythekeepersofthealternativefoods.Thekeepersofbizarrepolitics(onallsides—notknockinganyone’sPOVinparticular)andmemberinfightingtoo,unlessyou’resuperluckytobeinvolvedinoneofthosefoodco-opsthatallowsyoutopayextratonotdeal.I’vealsoheardrumorsabouttotallylovelyfoodco-opsituations.I’vejustneverseentheminreallife.Andnever,ever,everforgettoshopatyourlocalfarmers’market.Justskipthedeep-friedhomemadepitachips.Dammit.

Luckily there are also exclusive gluten-free markets also popping up around thecountry.MylocalfavoriteisPamMacD’sinBurbank.Doyouknowwhatitfeelsliketowalkintoagrocerystoreandknowthatyoucaneateverysinglethinginthatsucker?Itfeelsgood.Realgood.

If you’re not so lucky, and your localAlbertsons has not gottenwith the programeither(becausemanyofthebigchainsarealsoonthisexpensive-foodgravytrain),there’salwaystheonlineshop.EvenAmazoncanhelpyoustockupongluten-freefood,butthereareonlinespecialtystoresaswell.(SeeResources.)

Nowthatyou’veidentifiedyourlocalpurveyorofgluten-freefood,congratulations!You are totally amember of the food awareness cult.Maybe you thought these peoplewereannoyingbefore,butguesswhat?You’retotallyoneofthemnow.

Don’tForgetYourVitamins

Now you know what to cut out of your diet, and like any major change in what youconsume,yournutritionalbalanceisabouttobewayoff.Ifyouhaveceliac,yourvillimaybe so damaged that you’re not absorbing vitamins from your food at all, whichmeansyou’vegottwoproblems.It’salongroadbacktohealthforthosecrazyvilli,soyou’llalsoneedtogetyourmultivitamininwhileyourgutishealing.Yourdoctorshouldberunningbloodtestsonyoutoseewhereyoumaybedeficient—vitamin-wise—andthosearethevitamins and/orminerals you’vegot to put back intoyour body aswell, so you canbehealthyagain.Atthesametimeconsiderwhatnutrientsyouwillbelosingwhenyouarenolongereatinggluten.Thisreconnaissanceworkisespeciallyimportanttoundertakeforchildrenwho are no longer consuming bread that has been fortifiedwith vitamins andmineralsandarestillgrowing.

My nutritionist recommended I take not only a multivitamin but a calcium andmagnesiumsupplementaswell.Sillyme,IthoughtmaybeIcouldtakethesevitaminsforafewmonthsandthenI’dbeallset.SinceIhaveceliac,I’llmostlikelyneverbe“allset,”somypersonalvitamintrainkeepsrunning.Everyoneisdifferentinhisorhernutritionalneeds,sodon’tleaveyourdoctor’sofficewithoutknowingwhatisexactlyrightforyourbodyaswell.Don’tforgettogetabrandrecommendationbecause,asyou’veseeninthesneakyglutensection,manyvitaminsalsocontaingluten.Thelast thingyouneedwhiletryingtohealistosabotageyourbodywithvitamingluten.

Inaperfectworld,you’llsimplyaddtherightfoodstoyourdiettoreplacewhatyourbody has beenmissing.We live in a very imperfectworld filledwithmeetings, travel,stress, and timeconstraints. Ipersonally live inan imperfectworld filledwithdeliciousgluten-free muffins that are much more appealing than quinoa. Supplementing withvitamins is now crucial for your well-being. Certainly vitamins cannot replace wholefoodsthatgiveyouthepropernutrients,buttheycanhelpyourbodyfeelOKoncemoreandhelptodefendyourbodyagainstillness.

Nowthatyouunderstandthatglutenmustgetoutofyourlife,you’reabouttogothroughmajorwithdrawal.Youneedtostuffthosebadfeelingswithcheese,friedgluten-freegoodness,andsugar.Thatis,ifyou’relikeme.Ifyou’renotlikeme,

youmightwanttofliptoChapter5,whereyoucanlearnhowtobeveganandgluten-free.Butbacktome.

Therearesomereallyfantasticgluten-freecookbooksoutthere.IknowthisbecauseIboughtthemandthendecidedtoheckwithit,Iwasnotgoingtomixandmatchtwenty-eightgluten-freeflourblendswhileIwasexperimentingwithpie.Youmightwanttodothis eventually, but in the beginning you really need some easy gluten-free recipes thatwon’tmakeyousweat.Whichiswhyyoushouldgraboneofthoseall-purposegluten-freefloursIwasgoingonaboutandseveralsticksofbutter.

This is where I warn you that you could put on some serious weight as youexperiment with the gluten-free diet. Maybe that’s a good thing, given your recentdramaticweightloss.Maybethat’sabadthing,andatsomepointyou’lllooksouthwardandwonderifyouaccidentallyingestedapuppy.Butthat’sOKbecauserightnowyou’redealingwithdeprivationand thepainofbecomingthatpersonnoonewants todineoutwith anymore. You need the comfort only a gluten-free cupcake can give you. Andsomeday,whenyou’reready,you’llrealizethatyou’realloverthatdarkperiodandyoucan enjoy a gluten-free gluttony moment every now and then instead of every fiveminutes.Apparentlythat’sprogress.

When I realized I had to go gluten-free, my southern and Cajun roots damn nearshriveledupanddied.Imadeitmymissiontore-createfamilyrecipesinthegluten-freestyle,dammit.Andluckily,mymotherhadputtogetheramakeshiftfamilycookbookbackwhenprintingyourownbookswas justcoming intostyle. IhavemyveryowncopyofRecipesfromOurFamilyTreewiththisinscriptionontheinsidecover:

Christmas1992

April,

Iknowcooking isnotoneofyour favorite things todo,but I thinkyou’ll findsomefoodsinhereyoucanmakeaswellaseat.(Lookinthecookiesection)Incaseyoufindnewrecipestoaddtothefamilycollection,there’splentyofroomonthebackofthepages.

Love,

Mom

Inresponsetothetauntingaboutthecookies,I’dliketopointoutthatmycookbookisbeingpublishedwithoutaplasticringholdingthepagestogether.Boo-ya,family!I’mcooking!Althoughthatparticularcookbookdidhaveafewrecipes“byApril”—yes,RiceKrispietreatscount—mostofthesegemsareold-schoolandwithasouthernbent.Forme,that’stotalcomfortfood,andiftheglutofrestaurantsopeningupeverywhereservingmacandcheeseisanyindication,it’sprettydangcomfortingforeveryone.Now,I’vemadeitallgluten-free.Gocrazy,mypeople.

Before we hit the kitchen, let’s talk about the changes you’ll discover when youremovetheglutenfromyourkitchen.Idon’twanttoshockyou,butlifewillneverbethesameagain.Ohno,you’re totally in shocknow, right?Read these tipsand takecontroloveryourout-of-controlsituation.

Gluten-FreeCookingTips

•Somesadnewsaboutgluten-freecakeandcookiebatter:Itsucks.Youdon’twanttoeat it,or theacridtastewillsticktotheroofofyourmouthandyouwillnotbeabletoenjoythat lovelyItaliancreamcakeyoujustmade.Don’tbetempted.And

I’msorry.Buthey,atleastyourriskofsalmonelladecreases.•Awordaboutfrying.Therearepeopleinthisworldwhoowndeep-fatfryers,andtherearepeoplewhodonot.Iamintheformercategory,andthat’showIliketofryupmyfood.I’veincludedinstructionsforpan-fryingbecauseItotallygetthatsomeofyouarenotevolvedenoughtoownyourownpersonalfrybasket.It’scool.Butifyou own a deep fryer, you can see how frying food at a high temperature for asmaller amount of time is a guaranteed crisper-upper and is totallydelicious. Justsayin’.

•Youknowwhenrecipes startoutwithpreheat? It’s evenmore important for thegluten-freebaking,whichiswhyIalwaysputitfirst.Preheatyourovenforatleasttwentyminutessoyouwillalwayshaveahotoven.Italreadytakesgluten-freebakedgoodslongertocook,buttogettherightcomboofcookedthroughwithoutburningtheedges,youreallyneedtostarthot.

•Don’tbeafraidtoexperimentwithliquid.Ifindthatsomegluten-freefloursareabitdrier thanothersandrequiremore liquid. Ialso find thatsomepancakemixesandcakemixesbecometooliquefiedifIaddtheamountofmilk,water,oroilontheinstructions.Don’tbeafraidtotinkerifyoufeellikesomethingisnotright.

•Ifyouareusingacup-for-cuptypegluten-freeflour(Cup4Cup,BetterBatter)forbaking,omitthexanthangum,sinceitisincludedinthosemixes.Additionally,I’vefoundthatifI’mbakingsomethingmoredelicatelikecrêpesorcookies,usingthesecup-for-cupfloursgivesmeabetterresult.

•There’s a reason you find gluten-free baked goods in the freezer section of yourstore.Gluten-freebakedgoodsdonotkeepforlongperiodsoftime.Orrather,theydryoutalotquickerthantraditionalgluten-filledgoodies.Soeatfast,orfreeze.

Let’seat!

LemonRicottaPancakes

One of the first food items I panicked about was the almighty pancake. Since I hadperfectedthisrecipebeforeIwentallg-free,Iimmediatelyexperimentedtoseeifitcouldbe as awesome using straight-up gluten-free all-purpose flour. Guess what? IT STILLROCKS.

Preptime:10minutesCooktime:7minutes

Makes:8pancakes

INGREDIENTS1½cupsall-purposegluten-freeflour

1teaspoonxanthangum

2tablespoonssugar

1teaspoonbakingsoda

½teaspoonsalt

1½cupsbuttermilk

2largeeggs,separated

1tablespoongratedlemonzest

⅓cupricotta

Vegetableoil

Butter,forserving(optional)

Syrup,forserving(optional)

1.Inalargebowl,sifttogetherthegluten-freeflour,xanthangum,sugar,bakingsoda,andsalt.

2.Inamediumbowl,whiskthebuttermilk,eggyolks,andlemonzesttocombine.

3.Stirthebuttermilkmixtureintotheflourmixtureuntiljustevenlymoistened.Gentlystirinthericottauntilthoroughlycombined.

4. Inthebowlofastandmixerfittedwiththewhiskattachment,beat theeggwhitesonhigh speed until soft peaks form. Gently fold the egg whites into the batter until justincorporated.

5.Heatthevegetableoilovermedium-highheatonagriddleorfryingpan.Whenhot,turntheheatdowntomediumanddrop½-cupportionsofbatterontothegriddleorpan.Cookuntilbubblesstarttoappearonsurfaceofthepancake—about2to3minutes—thenturn

thepancakeswithawidespatulaandbrowntheotherside,cooking2to3minuteslonger.Coatpanwithmoreoilasnecessarytocookremainingpancakes.

6.Servewithbutterandsyruporplain.

AuntLoretta’sBreakfastCasserole

One of Aunt Loretta’s skills is always being prepared when overnight guests arriveunexpectedly. From her kitchen comes a delicious breakfast casserole that I have sinceturned gluten-free. Loretta might be appalled that we eat this on any occasion, as oneshouldbewhenyouseetheamountofsausageinthisrecipe,butit’ssogoodmyfamilycannotresistpretendingwehaveovernightguestsbiweekly.

Luckily,it’soneofthoserecipesinwhichthegluten-freebreadsoaksupsomuchoftherestofthecasserole,youcan’ttellthedifference.Thismeansyoudon’tneedtomakeyourownbreadforthisrecipe,justpickupaloafatyourlocalgluten-freefriendlyshop.

Preptime:20minutes+overnightCooktime:45minutes

Makes:10servings

INGREDIENTS1poundgluten-freesausage(checkwithyourbutcher,oronthepackage,thatit isgluten-free)

6eggs

2cupsmilk

1teaspoonsalt

1teaspoondrymustard

6slicesofgluten-freebread,brokenintochunks

1½cupsshreddedsharpcheddar

Note:Preparethiscasserolethenightbeforeyouplantoserveit.

1. Brown the gluten-free sausage. Transfer it to a paper towel–lined bowl to drain offexcessfatandletthesausagecool.

2.Inalargebowl,beattheeggsandmilktogether.Addthesaltandmustardandbeatwellto combine.Add the bread and stir until it softens. Stir in shredded cheese and cooledsausage.

3.Pour thebatter intoagreased9-by-13-inchbakingdish.Coverwithplasticwrapandrefrigerateovernight.

4.Thenextday,preheattheovento350°F.Removethebakingdishfromtherefrigerator,andbakethecasserolefor40to45minutes.Servewarm.

Beignets

Since my diagnosis, I’ve avoided going back to New Orleans. Why? Those damneddeliciousbeignets.Onceyou’vegoneCaféDuMonde,you’renever thesame.Infact, IusedtohuntdownCaféDuMondebeignetmixwhenIlivedinNewYorkCityandmadethe beignets inmy deep fryer, but I never thought Iwould be able to enjoy the sugar-sprinkledtasteofaFrenchdoughnuteveragain.Iwaswrong.

ItwasprettymuchthemostamazingdayeverwhenIintroducedgluten-freebeignetstomy household. Just a few comments from the familywho acted asmy taste-testers:“This is the best beignet ever!” “I love beignets!” “Your recipemade beignets better!”Andmyfavorite,“DoughnutscanbecircleANDsquare.”

Preptime:2½hoursCooktime:10minutes

Makes:35beignets

INGREDIENTS1½cupslukewarmwater

½cupsugar

1¼teaspoonssalt

¼ounceactivedryyeast

2eggs

1cupevaporatedmilk

3cupsall-purposegluten-freeflour

4cupsgluten-freepancakemix

¼cupvegetableshortening

2(32-ounce)bottlesofvegetableoil,tofillthefryer

3cupsconfectioners’sugar

1.Combinethewater,sugar,salt,andyeastinalargebowl,andsetthemixtureasidetositfor10minutes.

2. Beat the eggs and evaporated milk together, then stir in the yeast mixture untilcombined.

3.Inaseparatebowl,siftthegluten-freeflourandpancakemixtogether.Slowlyaddtheflourmixturetotheeggmixture,thenthoroughlymixinthevegetableshortening.

4.Placedoughonasurfaceflouredwithgluten-freeflourandkneadituntilsmooth.Placethedoughinalarge,cleanbowl,coveritwithacleandishtowel,andallowthedoughtoriseforatleasttwohours.

5.Afterthedoughhasrisen,placeitontheflouredsurfaceandrollitouttoabout¼inchthick.Cutthedoughinto1-inchsquares.

6.Filladeepfryerwithvegetableoilorpourenoughoil intoadeepskillet tocovertheentirebeignet.Preheatthefryeronthemedium-highsetting(ifusingaskillet,heattheoilovermedium-highheat).Frythedoughsquaresinbatches,beingcarefulnottocrowdthefryerorpanandmakingsurethebeignetsfrytoagoldenbrownonallsides.

7.Whilethebeignetscook,placetheconfectioners’sugarinabowl.

8.Remove the beignets from the oil and drain themon a paper towel–covered plate toabsorbexcessoil,thenimmediatelyrolltheminconfectioners’sugartocoat.Servewarm.

PrizeCoffeeCakewithStreuselFilling

Wehave twodifferent recipesforcoffeecake inourfamilycookbook.One is justplainoldcoffeecake(sorry,AuntMargaret),andthenthere’sthe“prize-winning”versionthatGrandmotherReeveswouldbustout.

Thisversion,with thestreusel, is farsuperior—andeasilymadegluten-free.Not togetallhighandmightyonyou(OK,alittle),butIalsomadethiswhenIwasin4-H,andIwilltellyouthatourprize-winningstreakatthecountyfairwasmultigenerational.

Preptime:10minutesCooktime:35minutes

Makes:9servings

INGREDIENTSFortheStreusel:½cupbrownsugar

2tablespoonsall-purposegluten-freeflour

2teaspoonscinnamon

2tablespoonsbutter,melted

½cuppecans,chopped

FortheCake:¾cupsugar

¼cupvegetableshortening

1egg

½cupmilk

1½cupsall-purposegluten-freeflour

¼teaspoonxanthangum

2teaspoonsbakingpowder

½teaspoonsalt

1.Preheattheovento375°F.

2. Make the streusel: Combine the brown sugar, gluten-free flour, cinnamon, meltedbutter,andpecansinamediumbowl.Setaside.

3.Makethecake:Beatthesugar,shortening,andeggtogether.Addthemilkandbeatwelltocombine.

4.Sift theflour,xanthangum,bakingpowder,andsalt together.Graduallyaddtheflourmixturetothemilkmixtureandbeatwelltocombine.

5.Pourhalfthebatterintoagreased9-inchsquareorroundpan.Sprinklehalfthestreusel

mixture over the batter.Add the remaining batter, then topwith the remaining streuselmixture.

6.Bakefor35minutes.Servewarm.

SweetPotatoChipswithChiveCrèmeFraîche

Asyouknow,anysnack inabagcanbesuspect to thegluten intolerant.Which iswhyyourdeepfryershouldbecomeyournewBFF.Ilovehatetokeepharpingonthatpoint,butit’strue.

Whether it’s sweet potatoes, gluten-free tortillas cut into those cute little triangleshapes, or anything, really, frying simplymakes it better.Also, it’s super-duper easy tomakeacrispy,saltysnackthatwon’tsendyourunningtothebathroom.Win!

Thissimplecrèmefraîchedipcanbetrottedoutatanytimeaswell.Supereasy,yetsuperimpressive.

Preptime:5minutesCooktime:8minutesperbatch

Makes:6servings

INGREDIENTSVegetableoil

2largesweetpotatoes

Salt

Freshlygroundblackpepper

Paprika

1½cupcrèmefraîche

1tablespoonchoppedchives

1.Filladeepfryerwithvegetableoilorpourenoughoil intoadeepskillet tocoverthesweetpotatoslices.Preheatthefryeronhigh(ifusingaskillet,heattheoilovermedium-highheat).

2.Leavingtheskinon,thinlyslicesweetpotatoesusingamandolineoraverysharpknife.

3.Placehandfulsofpotatoslicesintotheoilandfryuntilcrispy,5to8minutes.Ifyou’reusingaskillet,turnthepotatoslicesafter3minutestofrytheoppositeside.

4.Removethechipsfromtheoil,anddrainthemonapapertowel–coveredplatetoabsorbexcessoil.Transferthechipstoaservingbasketandsprinklethemwithsalt,pepper,andpaprikatotaste.

5.Combinethecrèmefraîcheandchives.Servethecrèmefraîchedipalongsidethechips.

CurryBagelChips

Therumorsaboutgluten-freebagelsandbreadaretrue.Youneedtotoastthemwithinaninchoftheirlivestogetthemtothatglutenygoodness.Whichiswhymakingbagelchipsistheperfectthingtodowithyourgluten-freebagels.

Bake’em,spice’em,andserve’emupwithsomeinventivehummusoralovelydip.Youwillnotgivetwocrapsaboutwhatthosegluten-eatersareeatingovertherewhenyoucrunchontheseflavorfulchips.

Preptime:10minutesCooktime:25minutes

Makes:12servings

INGREDIENTS3gluten-freebagels

⅓cupoliveoil

2tablespoonsmustardseeds

1tablespooncurrypowder

2tablespoonscumin

1.Preheattheovento350°F.Slicethegluten-freebagelsfromtoptobottomintoverythinrounds.Setaside.

2. In a small skillet, heat theoliveoil over lowheat.Add themustard seeds and listenclosely for apop,which ishowyouknow themustard seedshave released their sharp,nutty,deliciousflavor.

3.Remove theoil from theheatand transfer it toabowl.Mix in thecurrypowderandcumin.

4.Placethebagelslicesinthebowlwiththeoilandspicesandtosstocoat.Transferthebagelchipstoabakingsheetandbakefor20minutes,oruntilgoldenbrownandcrispy.

SuperTexNachos

Oh,jeez,I lovenachos.Whenyoulovesomethingsomuch,you’requitelikelytoeat itwithout care, which is never a good idea when you’re gluten-free. Which is why Iperfectedmyownmouthwateringnachosathome,whereIcontroleverysingleingredient.

Idon’tuserefriedbeansfromacanbutinsteadwhipupmyown.Youcanusechipsyoufryyourselfwithoutworryingaboutcross-contamination,andtopitalloffwithfreshguacamoleliketheprosmake.Onceyougoallfresh,you’llnevergoback.Thatis,untilyoufindyourselfstarvinginfrontofyourlocalOnTheBorder.

Preptime:15minutesCooktime:20minutes

Makes:Onebig-assplateofnachos

INGREDIENTSFortheRefriedBeans:1tablespoonoliveoil

1shallot,diced

1cloveofgarlic,diced

2cupspintoorblackbeans,cookedfromdryorcanned

½jalapeñopepper,deseededanddiced

1teaspooncumin

2teaspoonscayennepepper

Juiceof1lime

FortheTortillaChips:1to2cupsvegetableoilforfrying

6to8gluten-freecorntortillas

Seasalt

FortheGuacamole:1ripeavocado

½redonion,diced

1cloveofgarlic,or2teaspoonsgarlicpowder

1tablespooncumin

2teaspoonsdicedjalapeñopepper

1to2teaspoonscayennepepper,totaste

2tablespoonslemonjuice

Salt

Freshlygroundblackpepper

¾cupgratedsharpcheddar

2tablespoonssalsa

1.Make the refriedbeans: In amediumsaucepanovermediumheat, heat theoliveoil.Addtheshallotandgarlicandcookuntilsoftandslightlybrown.

2.Stir thebeans into thesautéedshallotsandgarlic.Add the jalapeño,cumin,cayenne,and lime juice, and cook overmedium heat for about 5minutes.When beans arewellmixedandwellcooked,useapotatomashertomashthemixture.Turntheheattolowandlettherefriedbeanssimmerwhileyoumakethetortillachipsandguacamole.

3.Makethetortillachips:Heatthevegetableoilinadeepskilletovermedium-highheat.Theoilshouldbeabletofullycoverthechips;youmayneedtoreplenishwhilecooking.(Alternatively,bustoutthatdeepfryer.)

4.Cuteachtortillaintofoursandplaceonepieceintheoilsoyouknowwhentheoilishotenough.Addthetortillaquarterstotheoilinbatches,beingcarefulnottocrowdthepan, and cook until brown. Flip the tortilla quarterswith a slotted spoon, then removethem from the oil and drain them on a paper towel–lined plate to absorb excess oil.Sprinklethetortillachipswithseasaltwhiletheyarestillwarm,thentransfertoalargeplatetocool.Repeatwiththeremainingtortillaquarters.

5. Make the guacamole: Cut the avocado in half and remove the pit. Peel away theavocadoskin,thenslicethefleshinpieces.Placethefleshinamediumbowlandaddtheonion,garlic,cumin, jalapeño,andcayenne.Addthelemonjuiceandsaltandpeppertotaste.

6.Assemblethenachos:Stackthechips,beans,cheese,andadrizzleofsalsa,totaste,onaplateorservingplatter.Topwiththeguacamole,anddigrightin.

CrispyGarlicSmashedPotatoes

Anotherrecipefromanamazingrestaurant that I totallycan’tgo tonowthat Ican’teatgluten.UmamiBurgerisachainknownforitssecretingredients.Asweallknow,secretingredients=likelyglutenpoisoning.

IgazeduponthewonderofthesmashedpotatoesatUmamiBurgerthenlaterwenthomeandsmashedsomeupmyowndangself.It’snosecretthatthesecrispypotatoesaredelicious.

Preptime:5minutesCooktime:45minutes

Makes:4servings

INGREDIENTS15newpotatoes

2tablespoonsoliveoil

Salt

Freshlygroundblackpepper

2teaspoonsblacktruffleoil

Parsleyorchives,chopped(optional)

Sourcream(optional)

1.Preheattheovento450°F.

2.Bringalargepotofwatertoboilwithapinchofsalt.Makesurethereisenoughwatertocover thepotatoes.Add thepotatoesandboil themuntilyoucanpierce themwithaforkwithlittleresistance,15to20minutes.

3. Drain the potatoes and place them, evenly spaced, on a foil-covered baking sheet.Allowtocoolforafewminutes,thentakeacleandishtowelandpressoneachpotatotosmashit,butstillkeepthepotatointact.

4. Drizzle olive oil evenly over the smashed potatoes. Season with salt, pepper, and asmallamountofblacktruffleoil.Topwithsomechoppedparsley,chives,oranotherherbofyourchoice,ifyoulike.Bakefor25to30minutes,oruntilcrispy.

5.Useaspatulatoremoveeachpotato.Servewithsourcream,ifdesired.

MexicanCornBread

Whywouldyoutakesomethingthatisalreadyperfectandmesswithit?Becausethisismymama’sMexicancornbread,that’swhy.Thischeesy,peppery,moistcornbreadrulesandwillimpressyourguests.

Also,youcan’ttrustrestaurantorstore-madecornbreadtobegluten-free,soyou’renow on your own. Try this delicious versionwith chili or chicken, or for breakfast, orwhatevermakesyouhappy.

Preptime:7minutesCooktime:45minutes

Makes:8servings

INGREDIENTS1½cupsgluten-freecornmeal

3teaspoonsbakingpowder

1teaspoonsalt

2eggs,beaten

⅔cupvegetableoil

1cupbuttermilk

3jalapeños,seededandchopped

2cupscreamedcorn

1cupgratedsharpcheddar

1.Preheattheovento350°F.

2.Inalargebowl,combineallingredientsexceptthecheddar.Donotover-mixthebatter.

3. Pour half the batter into a greased 9-inch square baking pan. Cover with half thecheddar, then pour in remaining batter and topwith the remaining cheese.Bake for 45minutes.

CountryFriedCornwithBacon

ThisisoneofthoseOklahomarecipesthathaveyettosweepthenation,forreasonswaybeyondmycomprehension.Youcan’thelpbutgetcompletelyaddictedtothisbacon-friedcorn.Iwouldsaythisbaconcornislikecrack,butIdon’tcomefromBaltimore.SoI’llsaylikemeth.

Preptime:15minutesCooktime:25minutes

Makes:10servings

INGREDIENTS6earsofcorn

8stripsofbacon

2teaspoonssugar

1teaspoonsalt

⅛teaspoonfreshlygroundblackpepper

½cuphalf-and-half

1.Bring8quartsofwatertoarollingboilinalargestockpot.Placethecornintherapidlyboilingwaterfor3minutes,thenremoveandallowtocool.Removethecornkernelsfromthecobwithasharpknifeandsetaside.

2. Fry the bacon in a large skillet overmedium-high heat.Remove the bacon from theskillet and place on a paper towel–lined plate to drain excess oil and cool the bacon.Reserve2tablespoonsofthebacondrippingsintheskillet.

3. With the skillet over low heat, add the corn, sugar, salt, and pepper to the bacondrippings. Cover, increase the heat tomedium, and fry onmedium heat for 5minutes,stirringoccasionally.

4.Addthehalf-and-halfandturntheheat tomedium-low.Simmer,covered,for8 to10minutes,untilthemilkisabsorbed.Servehot.

BakedCheese&ChiveGrits

AnincrediblyeasySoutherndish.Mymotherusedtomakethesebakedcheesegritsasadeliciousstarchyside. I’veaddedchivesbecauseI’mfancy like that,andIhave tonsofchives growing in my herb garden. The chives add a little extra flavor and foodiesnootinesstoyourtable.Whichis,ofcourse,awesome.

Bob’sRedMillhas fantasticgluten-freegrits,andyoucanalsousepolenta (whichI’mprettysureisItalianfor“grits”).

Preptime:5minutesCooktime:30minutes

Makes:10servings

INGREDIENTS1tablespoonsalt

2cupsgluten-freegrits

1tablespoonfreshlygroundblackpepper

2teaspoonsseasalt

2cupsgratedcheddar

2tablespoonschoppedchives

1.Preheattheovento350°F.Bring6cupsofwatertoaboilwiththesalt.

2.Gradually add thegluten-freegrits to theboilingwater, stirringconstantly.Bring thegritstoasimmerandstirregularly.Cookuntilthegritshavethickened,about20minutes.

3. Transfer the grits to a 2-quart baking dish.Mix in the pepper, sea salt, cheddar, andchives.

4.Bakefor10minutes.

SweetKugel

Handsdown, oneof the best things aboutHanukkah is the kugel.Or as I call it inmymulticulturalhome,“macandcheesewithsugar.”ThisisthesweetkugelrecipeI’vebeenmakingsincebeforeIhadtomakeitceliacfriendly.Theonlychangeisshellingoutforthe gluten-free noodles, and—sorry, if you love raisins—removing the raisins.OK, thathas nothing to dowith going gluten-free and everything to dowith the fact that I hateraisins.Throwsomeinbeforeyourlastmixifyouhavetohavethosewrinkledgrapes.

Preptime:15minutesCooktime:1hour

Makes:15servings

INGREDIENTS16ouncescottagecheese

16ouncessourcream

1cupsugar

5eggs,beaten

½cupbutter,melted

1tablespoonvanillaextract

1(8-to12-ounce)packagegluten-freenoodles,cooked,rinsed,anddrained

1tablespooncinnamonsugar

1.Preheattheovento350°F.Buttera13-by-9-inchbakingdish.

2. Mix all ingredients except noodles and cinnamon sugar until well blended. Stir ingluten-freenoodles.

3.Spoonthemixtureintotheprepareddishandsprinklethetopwiththecinnamonsugar.

4.Bake for 50 to60minutes or until the center is set.Let cool for at least 10minutesbeforeserving.

PotatoLatkes

Skip thematzowhen you’re busting out your latkes for eight days of celebration, andmakeitamiraculousgluten-freeholidaythisHanukkah.Orjustwhiptheseupanytimeofyear and call themwhatmymomdoes: potato pancakes.Eitherway, super-duper friedgoodnessforyourgluten-freebelly.

Preptime:20minutesCooktime:10minutesperbatch

Makes:15latkes

INGREDIENTS1to2poundspotatoes

¾cupfinelychoppedonion

1largeegg,lightlybeaten

1teaspoonsalt

¾cupoliveoil

Applesauce,forserving

Sourcream,forserving

1.Preheattheovento250°F.

2.Peel thepotatoesandcoarselygrate thembyhand, transferring thegratedpotato toalargebowlofcoldwaterasyouwork.Soakthegratedpotatoesfor1to2minutesafterthelastbatchisaddedtothewater,thendrainwellinacolander.

3.Spreadthegratedpotatoesandtheoniononakitchentowelandrollituptightly.Twistthetoweltowringoutasmuchliquidaspossible.Transferthepotatomixturetoabowlandstirintheeggandsalt.

4.Heat¼cupoftheoilinalargeskilletovermedium-highheatuntilhotbutnotsmoking.Working in batches, spoon 4 tablespoons potato mixture per latke into the skillet,spreading it into rounds with a fork. Reduce the heat to medium and cook until theundersides arebrowned, about5minutes.Turn the latkesover and cookuntil theotherside isbrowned,about5minutesmore.Transfer the latkes topaper towels todrainandseasonthemwithsalt.Repeatwiththeremainingpotatomixture,addingmoreoil totheskilletasneeded.Keepthefinishedlatkeswarmintheoven.

5.Servewithapplesauceandsourcream.

TheMostAmazingMac&CheeseYou’llEverEat

I’ve made this down-and-dirty, nonfancy but delicious mac and cheese so many timessincemydiagnosis that I’m starting to think I should be embarrassed.All right, I’ll behonest. I made this mac and cheese on every occasion I could think of before mydiagnosis.Ijustmadesomegluten-freesubstitutionsafterwardbecausetherewasnowayIwasgivingup thisyellowgold.AndIwonderhowIgainedsomuchweight.TheseareVelveetathighs,obviously.

Preptime:25minutesCooktime:30minutes

Makes:10servings

INGREDIENTS1poundgluten-freeelbowmacaroni

4tablespoonsunsaltedbutter

⅓cupall-purposegluten-freeflour

4cupsmilk,heated

2cupsshreddedextra-sharpcheddar

2cupsfinelychoppedAmericancheese

Salt

Freshlygroundblackpepper

Hotpeppersauce

¼cupfreshlygratedParmesan

1. Bring a large pot of lightly saltedwater to boil over high heat. Add the gluten-freeelbowmacaroniandcookuntilaldente.Drainwell.

2.Positionarackinthecenteroftheovenandpreheattheovento350°F.Butteradeep4-quartcasseroledish.

3.Meltthe4tablespoonsofbutterinamediumsaucepanovermediumheat.Whiskinthegluten-freeflour.Graduallywhiskinthemilk.Bringtoasimmer,stirringconstantly,untilthesaucethickens.Reducetheheattolowandsimmerfor5minutes.

4.Removefromtheheatandstirin1cupeachofthecheddarandtheAmericancheese.Seasontotastewiththesalt,pepper,andhotsauce.

5.Combine the remainingcheddarandAmericancheeses.Spreadone-thirdof thepastaoverthebottomofthecasseroledish.Topwithhalfoftheshreddedcheeseandathirdofthesauce.Repeat,usinganotherthirdofthepasta,theremainingcheese,andhalfofthe

remaining sauce. Finishwith the remaining pasta and sauce. Sprinkle Parmesan evenlyoverthetop.

6.Bakeuntilbubblyandgoldenbrownaroundtheedges,about30minutes.

Chicken-FriedSteak&Gravy

OnemealI’vebeenabletomakesinceIwasinjuniorhighistheholytrinityofchicken-fried steak, mashed potatoes, and gravy. Granted, I don’t eat it as often now that I’vepassedtheageoftwenty-oneandmymetabolismnolongerallowsforsuchdeliciousnessonaweeklybasis.Butthiswastopsonmylisttomakegluten-freeonceIhadtogothere.

Somepartsofthecountrymakeitdifficultforyoutogetyourcubesteakon.Tryaskirtsteakifyoulivewherepeoplearemorelikelytogrillfajitasthansmothertheirmeatingravy.Ifeelforyou(andme).

ForconsistentresultswhenI’mfryingsomethingsavory,IgrabBetterBattergluten-free seasoned flour because it always seems to coat reallywell and giveme that thickheart-attackfryI’mlookingfor.Plus,youdon’tneedtoseasonthebatter.

Preptime:20minutesCooktime:17minutes

Makes:4servings

INGREDIENTS1teaspoonplus¼to½cupmilk

3eggs

3cupsgluten-freeall-purposeflour

Salt

Freshlygroundblackpepper

4cubesteaks

2tablespoonsvegetableoil,forfrying

Mashedpotatoes,forserving

1.Beat1 teaspoonof themilkand the threeeggs together inamediumbowl.Place thegluten-freeflourinaseparatemediumbowl,andaddsaltandpeppertotasteifnotusingpre-seasonedflour.

2.Alloweachcubesteaktosoakintheeggmixtureforatleast10minutes.Transferthesteakstotheflourmixtureandcoatthemliberallyonallsides.

3. In a large skillet overmedium-high heat, heat the vegetable oil. Turn heat down tomedium,andtransferthecoatedsteakstotheskillet.

4.Cookthesteaksuntiltheyaredarkandcrispy—5to7minutes—thenflipthemovertocook theother side.Remove thesteaks from thepanandplace themonapaper towel–linedplate toremoveexcessoil.Keepanyremainingcookingoilandmeatdrippings intheskillet.

5.Reducetheheattolowandwhisktheremainingmilkslowlyintotheoilanddrippings,alternatingwith1cupoftheremainingflourmixture.Whiskcontinuouslyandaddmoremilk and flour to the gravy if necessary to maintain the desired consistency. Continue

cookinguntilthegravyhasthickened.

6.Serve thesteakswith(naturallygluten-free!)mashedpotatoesandsmother itallwiththegluten-freegravywhileit’sstillhot.

CowboyCrêpe

I made an amazing discovery while I was in Paris. Apparently buckwheat crêpes aretraditional in some neighborhoods. Which means gluten-free crêpes actually exist.Huzzah!

WhenIstartedexperimenting,however,IrealizedthatImuchpreferredacrêpemadefromall-purposegluten-freeflourratherthanbuckwheat.AndIreallypreferacrêpewithjalapeño bacon and sharp cheddar. Voilà! The cowboy crêpe was born, for the bestEuropean/AmericancombosinceFrenchfries.

Preptime:10minutes+1hourresttimeCooktime:3minutespercrêpe

Makes:10crêpes

INGREDIENTS6stripsofuncookedbacon

1tablespoonfinelydicedjalapeñopepper

6eggs

3cupsmilk

2tablespoonsbutter,melted

1cupall-purposegluten-freeflour

¼teaspoonxanthangum

5tablespoonsbutter,forthepan

1cupgratedsharpcheddar

1.Placebaconstripsinalargebowlandcoverwithdicedjalapeño.Allowtorestforanhour.Discardthejalapeño.

2.Cookthebaconinaskilletovermedium-highheatuntilcrisp.Transferthebacontoapapertowel–linedplatetoremoveexcessfat.Allowthebacontocool,thencrumbleitintosmallpieces.Setaside.

3.Mixtheeggs,milk,andmeltedbuttertogetherinamediumbowl.Slowlywhiskinthegluten-freeflourandxanthangumuntilthemixtureissmooth.

4. Melt a half-tablespoon of butter in a lightweight 8-inch skillet or crêpe pan overmedium-highheat.Pour½cupofbatterintotheskilletandimmediatelyswirlthepansothebattercoatstheentirepanevenly.

5.Cookthecrêpeuntiltheedgesbegintodryandcurl,thenflipitovertocooktheothersideforabout30seconds,oruntilgoldenbrown.(Ifyourpanisnotlightweightenough,usealargespatulatoflip.)

6.Removethecrêpefromthepanandtransfer it toaplate.Repeat theprocesswiththeremainingbatter,wipingoutthepanandmeltinganotherhalf-tablespoonofbutterbefore

addingthebattereachtime.

7. Divide the jalapeño bacon and cheddar evenly among the finished crêpes, roll, andserve.

FriedChicken&Waffles

Let’s talk about missed opportunities. As in, I lived in Los Angeles for almost a yearbeforeIwasdiagnosedwithceliac,andnotoncedidIenjoyamealatRoscoe’sHouseofChicken and Waffles. That’s just craziness, which is why I now whip up gluten-freevariationsofbothinmyownhomeandpretendmyhusbandistakingmyorder.

Youcan alsobuyapancakeandwafflemix toget thisdelicious comboontoyourplateandintoyourbellyevenfaster.

Preptime:20minutesCooktime:25minutes

Makes:8servings

INGREDIENTSFortheFriedChicken:1chicken,cutintopieces

Salt

Freshlygroundblackpepper,totaste

2to3cupsbuttermilk(enoughtocover)

3cupsall-purposegluten-freeflour(IuseBetterBatterGluten-FreeSeasonedFlour;seeNote)

1tablespoonsalt

1tablespoonpepper

1tablespoonpaprika

2teaspoonschilipowder

Oilforfrying

FortheWaffles:2cupsall-purposegluten-freeflour

1teaspoonxanthangum

2teaspoonsbakingpowder

2eggs

1½cupsbuttermilk

¼cupvegetableoil,plusmoreforthepan

1tablespoonsugar

Maplesyrup,forserving

Note: If you’re using Better Batter Gluten-Free Seasoned Flour, skip the spices! The

battermixispreseasoned.

1.Make thefriedchicken:Season thechickenpieceswithsaltandpepper to taste, thensoaktheminthebuttermilkforatleasttwohours.

2.Combine thegluten-freeflour,salt,pepper,paprika,andchilipowder inagallon-sizezip-topbag.Place thechicken inside thebag, threepiecesata time,seal,andshake thebagtofullycoatthechickenpieces.Repeatwiththeremainingchicken.

3.Heatoilindeepfryingpanonmedium-highheat.Turntheheatdowntomediumasyouplacethechickeninthepan,threetofourpiecesatatime,leavingplentyofroominthepantoflipchicken.

4.Removethechickenwhenitsinternaltemperaturereachesatleast165°F,andplacethechickenonpapertowel–linedplatestoremoveexcessoil.

5.Makethewaffles:Coatthewaffleironwithalightlayerofvegetableoilandheattheiron.

6. In a large mixing bowl, combine the gluten-free flour, xanthan gum, and bakingpowder,andmixwell.Inasmallbowl,beattheeggs,andaddthemtotheflourmixture.Mixinthebuttermilk,oil,andsugar,andsetaside.

7.Whenthewaffleironishot,scoop½cupbatter(¼cupforsmallerwaffleirons)ontothe cooking surface and cook according to themanufacturer’s instructions.Continue tomakeeachwaffleoneatatimeuntilyouhaveusedallthebatter.

8.Placechickenontopofwaffle,drizzlewithmaplesyrup,andserve.

BeefStroganoffoverRice

There’ssomethingincrediblyfillingandcomfortingaboutbeefStroganoff,evenwithouttheeggnoodles.YoumaynotfindthisversioninoneofthosehipUkrainianrestaurantsinBrooklyn,butthat’sOKbecauseyoucan’tgothereanymore.

Whenyou’vegotacreamysteakwithapepperybiteandsoftricetoshovelintoyourmouth, you’re satisfying that urge to eat well and hibernate for winter. So you shouldprobablyeatthiseverydayforthefirstthreemonthsofyourdiagnosisbecauselet’sfaceit,“unsatisfied”isgoingtobeyourgo-tofeeling.

Preptime:10minutesCooktime:20minutes

Makes:4servings

INGREDIENTS2poundssirloinsteak

2teaspoonssalt

½teaspoonpepper

1tablespoonoliveoil

½cupdrysherry

¼cupgluten-freebeefbroth

½cupsourcream

5cupscookedwhiterice,forserving

1.Slicethesteakinto¼-inchstrips.Seasonwiththesaltandpepper.

2.Inamedium-sizeskilletovermedium-highheat,heattheoliveoil.Addthesteakandcookuntiljustbrownbutnotcookedthrough,about1minuteperside.Removefromtheheatandsetthesteakasideonaplate.

3.Addthesherryandbeefbrothtothesameskilletandbringittoaboil,stirringonceortwice.Allowthemixturetocookforfiveminutes,thenturntheheattomedium.

4. Add the sour cream to the skillet and stir until thoroughly combinedwith the brothmixture.Transferthesteakandanyjuicesfromtheplatetotheskilletandcookuntilthemeatiscookedthrough,3to5minutes.

5.Servethesteakandsauceoverrice.

Spaghetti&TurkeyRicottaMeatballs

IusedtomakethesemeatballsallthetimebutjustassumeditwasathingofthepastwhenIwasfirstdiagnosed.Afterall,gluten-filledbreadcrumbsareagiveninmostmeatballs,which sit on top of gluten-laden pasta. Luckily I discovered that corn pasta can be adelightful substitute for the norm, and I was back in action! Also, gluten-free breadcrumbsarenotatallnoticeableinyour’balls.

Preptime:30minutesCooktime:1hour

Makes:8servings

INGREDIENTSFortheMeatballs:2poundsgroundturkey

½cupgluten-freebreadcrumbs

½mediumyellowonion,finelychopped

3clovesgarlic,finelychopped

1largeegg

1½teaspoonsfreshoregano,chopped

¼cupfreshbasil,chopped

1½teaspoonssalt

1½teaspoonsgroundwhitepepper

2tablespoonsoliveoil

1¾cupgratedParmesan

¾cupricotta

FortheSauce:24ouncestomatosauce

2tablespoonstomatopaste

2teaspoonsgroundwhitepepper

6leavesfreshbasil

1packagegluten-freespaghetti

1.Makethemeatballs:Preheattheovento400°F.

2. In a large bowl, combine the ground turkey, gluten-free bread crumbs, onion, garlic,egg,oregano,basil,salt,1teaspoonofthewhitepepper,theoil,and1cupoftheParmesanandmixuntilcompletelycombined.

3.Rolltheturkeymixtureintomeatballsandplacethemonabakingsheet.Bakefor25minutes.

4. Combine the ricotta, the remaining Parmesan, and the remaining white pepper. Setaside.

5.Makethesauce:Inamediumsaucepancombinethetomatosauce,tomatopaste,whitepepper, and basil leaves, and simmer for 20 minutes. Remove the basil leaves beforeserving.

6.Removethemeatballs fromtheoven,anddollopaspoonfulof thericottamixtureontopofeachmeatball.Returntoovenfor10minutesmore.

7. While the meatballs are cooking, prepare the gluten-free spaghetti as directed onpackage.

8.Assemblebytoppingeachservingofspaghettiwith2meatballsand¼cupoftomatosauce.

ItalianMeatLoaf

Theultimatecomfortfood,meatloafisalmostalwayschockfullofbreadcrumbsaswell.Thismeansyourcomfortwillhavetocomefromyourownkitchenfromnowon.

IlovegivingmeatloafanItaliantwistwithsomeParmesanandpork,becausewhynot?It’sawesome.What’snotsoawesomeistryingtofindgroundporksausagethatdoesnothavegluten.ApplegatemakesagreatItaliansausage,andperhapsyourlocalbutcherdoestoo.Alwaysaskaboutthecasingbecausethat’swhereglutencanhide.

Preptime:20minutesCooktime:1hour

Makes:10servings

INGREDIENTS2tablespoonsoliveoil

½yellowonion,chopped

3garliccloves,minced

⅓cupgluten-freebreadcrumbs

1teaspoonthyme

1teaspoonoregano

1teaspoongroundwhitepepper

2teaspoonssalt

1poundgroundgluten-freehotItalianporksausage

1poundgroundbeef

2eggs

2tablespoonsbrownsugar

½cuptomatosauce

1teaspoonwheat-freetamari

1.Preheattheovento325°F.

2.Inmediumsaucepanovermediumheat,heattheoil.Addtheonionandgarlicandcookuntiltheonionisalmosttranslucent.

3.Inthebowlofafoodprocessor,combinethegluten-freebreadcrumbs,thyme,oregano,whitepepper,andsalt,andpulsetocombine.

4.Inalargebowl,combinethegluten-freeporksausage,groundbeef,theonionandgarlicmixture,andthebreadcrumbmixture.Mixuntilthoroughlycombined.Addtheeggsandmixwell.

5.Inasmallbowl,combinethebrownsugar,tomatosauce,andwheat-freetamari.

6.Pressthemeatmixtureevenlyintoa10-inchloafpanandcoverwiththetomatosaucemixture.

7.Bakefor40minutes,thentestwithameatthermometerfordoneness;thetemperatureshouldreach155°F.Cookforanother10to15minutes,ifnecessary.

SpinachLasagnaCupcakes

Ifwewerebeinghonestwithourselves,wewouldalladmitthateverythingtastesbetterincupcake form. Which is why when I heard some food truck was going around townmaking lasagna cupcakes, I set about creating a gluten-free option for those of uswhoneedtheirpastainhandheldcupcakeshapes.Whichistosay,allofus.

Preptime:15minutesCooktime:1½hours

Makes:15cupcakes

INGREDIENTS1boxgluten-freelasagnanoodles

1poundgroundbeef

16ouncestomatosauce

1teaspoonoregano

Salt

Freshlygroundblackpepper

1½cupsricotta

1cupmozzarella,shredded

½cupshreddedParmesan,plusmoretotop

1egg

3cupsspinach,chopped

Nonstickoliveoilcookingspray,forthepan

1.Preheattheovento350°F.

2.Inalargepot,bring6quartsofwatertoaboil.Cookthegluten-freenoodlesaccordingto the package directions. (If using “no-boil” noodles, cook for 7 minutes, or untilflexible.)

3. Remove the noodles from water, and lay them out on aluminum foil. When coolenough,cutlasagnanoodlesintothirds.

4.Inalargeskilletovermedium-highheat,brownthegroundbeef.Drainthefatfromthepan,thenaddthetomatosauceandoreganotothebeefandsimmerfor8minutes.Seasonwithsaltandpeppertotaste.

5.Inamediumbowl,mixthericotta,mozzarella,and½cupoftheParmesan.Addtheeggandchoppedspinach,andmixwell.Seasonwithsaltandpeppertotaste.

6.Spraya12-wellcupcakepanwiththenonstickspray.Arrange2cookednoodlesineachwell in a crisscross pattern to cover the bottom and sides of the well. Layer the otheringredientson topof thenoodles, startingwith themeat sauce, then the spinach-cheese

mixture.Repeatuntilthewellsarefull,thencovereachwellwithanoodleandtopwiththeremainingParmesan,distributingitevenly.

7.Bakefor40minutes.Allowtocoolfor10minutes.

BakedShrimpEtouffée

Cajun foodmakesan impression.Ormaybe that’sall theboozeyou ingestedwithyourboudin. Which is why I still remember an etouffée that had a little extra somethin’-somethin’frommyveryfirsttriptoNewOrleans,whichwasagesago.

Afterexperimenting,Idobelievethecrustatopthisshrimpetoufféeisspotonwiththeroux,andthestew,andnowalittlecheesycrunch.Laissezlesbonstempsrouler.

Preptime:20minutesCooktime:35minutes

Makes:10servings

INGREDIENTS1tablespoonbutter

1tablespoonoliveoil

5garliccloves,minced

1bellpepper,chopped

1Spanishonion,chopped

2celerystalks,chopped

¼cupmilletflour

2cupschickenstock

½teaspoonseasalt

⅛teaspoonfreshlygroundblackpepper

1teaspoonhotsauce

⅛teaspooncayennepepper

⅛teaspoonpaprika

½teaspoonoregano

1½poundsshrimp,shelledanddeveined

5cupscookedrice

2tablespoonsgluten-freebreadcrumbs

1tablespoongratedParmesan

Parsley,forgarnish

1.Preheattheovento350°F.

2.Inacast-ironskilletovermediumheat,heatthebutterandoil.Addthegarlic,pepper,onion,andcelery,andcookuntilsoft.

3.Whisktheflourintotheonionmixtureuntilwellcombined.Add½cupofthechicken

brothandwhisktocombine.Graduallyaddtheremainingbrothandcookuntilthemixturehasthickened.

4.Addthesalt,pepper,hotsauce,cayenne,paprika,andoregano.Stir,reducetheheattolow, and simmer for about 6 minutes. After 6 minutes, add the shrimp and continuecookingforabout4minutesmore,untiltheshrimparepink.Donotovercooktheshrimp.

5.Removethemixturefromtheheatandpourit intoamediumbowl.Placethecookedriceintheskillet,andtopitwiththeshrimpmixture.

6. Sprinkle the gluten-free bread crumbs andParmesan evenly over the shrimpmixtureandplacetheskilletintheoven.Bakeuntilslightlygoldenbrown,10to15minutes.

7.Removefromtheoven,topwiththeparsley,andserve.

BeefBrisketFritoChiliPie

Iused to live inAustin,Texas,andenjoyed theTexasChiliParlora littlebit toomuch.Insteadofthetraditionalgroundbeefandbeans,TexasChiliParloruseshugechunksofbeefinitschili.Dang,it’sgood.AfterImovedawayItriedtocombineavarietyofchilirecipestocomeupwithmyownfacsimile,andthisiswhatIdonow.

It’s a pretty medium-heat chili, so if you want to step it up a notch you can addcrushedredchilepepperflakes,butIthinkthisisprettyamazoidsasis.Andguesswhat?Fritosaregluten-free.That’sright,Fritos+beefbrisketchili+sharpcheddar=gluten-freeawesomeness.

Preptime:15minutesCooktime:3hours

Makes:4largeservings

INGREDIENTS1jalapeñopepper

1tablespoonvegetableoil

2poundsbeefbrisket,cutintocubes

1tablespoonhotsauce

8ouncestomatosauce

1shallot,diced

1cloveofgarlic,diced

2gluten-freebeefbouilloncubes

6tablespoonschilipowder

4teaspoonsgroundcumin

½teaspoonsalt

½teaspoonwhitepepper

½teaspooncayennepowder

¼teaspoonoregano

⅛teaspooncrushedbayleaf

1tablespoongluten-freecornstarch,ifneeded

1largebagFritos

2cupsshreddedsharpcheddar

1.Withasmallknife,cutaslitinthesideofthejalapeñosmallenoughthatnoseedsareabletoescape.HeatthevegetableoilinaDutchovenovermediumheat.Addthebrisketand brown on all sides. After all sides are browned, add the hot sauce, tomato sauce,shallot,garlic,gluten-freebouilloncubes,jalapeño,andenoughwatertocover.

2. Cover and simmer for 45minutes, stirring occasionally. Addmore water if needed.Removethejalapeño,squeezingitsjuiceintothechili,butdiscardingthepulpandseeds.

3.Mixtogetherthechilipowder,cumin,salt,whitepepper,cayenne,oregano,andbayleafinasmallbowl.

4.Addathirdofthespicemixturetothechiliandcontinuetocook,covered,for1hour.Ifthechilistartslookingtoothick,addmorewater.

5.Addanother thirdof the spicemixtureandcontinuecooking foranother30minutes,addingwaterifneeded.

6.Addtheremainingspicesandcook15minutesmore.Ifmixturehasbecometoowatery,makeaslurryofgluten-freecornstarchand2tablespoonsofwaterandaddittothechili.

7.ServethechiliwarmontopofacupofFritos,toppedwithgratedsharpcheddar.

Brisket

Hailing from the land of beef, I had no idea that brisket made in this manner was atraditional Jewish dish until I joined the temple. It is, admittedly, much better thanthrowing that meat on the grill outside the ranch house. Just don’t forget that crispybrowningcomesfromthegluten-freeflour,chosenpeople.ImakethiseveryHanukkahtoravereviews,andthere’snowayanyonecantellit’sme-friendly.

Preptime:10minutesCooktime:3to4hours

Makes:16servings

INGREDIENTS1(5-pound)beefbrisket

2teaspoonsgluten-freeall-purposeflour

2teaspoonsfreshlygroundblackpepper

¼cupvegetableoil

6onions,thicklyslicedintoringsandseparated

2tablespoonstomatopaste

1½teaspoonskoshersalt

2clovesgarlic,roughlychopped

1carrot,peeled

1.Preheattheovento375°F.Dustthebrisketverylightlywiththegluten-freeflourandsprinkleitwith1teaspoonpepper.

2.HeattheoilinalargeDutchoven.Addthebrisketandbrownonallsidesovermedium-highheatuntilslightlycrisp.

3.Transferthebriskettoalargeplate.Keepingtheheatatmedium-high,addtheonionstotheDutchovenandcookthemintheoilandmeatdrippingsuntiltheyaresoftandbrown,about15minutes.

4.RemovetheDutchovenfromtheheatandplacethebrisket,alongwithanyjuicesthathaveaccumulated,ontopoftheonions.Spreadthetomatopasteoverthebrisketliberally.Sprinkle with the remaining pepper and the kosher salt. Add the garlic and carrot andcovertheDutchoventightly.Placeonthemiddlerackintheoven,andbakefor1½hours.

5.RemovetheDutchovenandtransferthemeattoacarvingboard.Carvethebrisketinto¼-inch-thickslices.Returntheslicestothepot,cover,andreturntotheoven.Cookuntilthemeatisbrownandfork-tender,1½to2hourslonger.

6.RemovetheDutchovenandtransfertheroasttoaheatedplatter.Servewithslicesofthecarrot,onions,andthejuicesfromtheDutchoven.

ChocoIceCreamCake

Therewasnoway inhell Iwasgoing togiveupmymother’schoco icecreamdessert,whichshealwaysmadeformeonmybirthday.ThosedangOreosmakeitallgluteny,butluckilytherearemultiplebrandsoffauxOreosonthemarketsansgluten.

Nowmydaughterwantsmetomakethiscakeeveryyearforherbirthday.Theworldisinbalance,yetagain.

Preptime:20minutesFreezetime:2hours

Makes:12servings

INGREDIENTS½cupbutter

30gluten-freeOreo-esquecookies

½gallonvanillaicecream,softened

⅔cupsugar

4ouncessemisweetchocolate

1(14-ounce)cancondensedmilk

1teaspoonvanillaextract

1smallcontainerCoolWhip,or8ounceswhippedcream

½cupchoppedpecans(orothernuts,ifpreferred)

1.Inasaucepanorinthemicrowave,melt¼cupofthebutter.Crushthecookiesandmixthemwith themelted butter. Press themixture into the bottom of a 13-by-9-by-3-inchbakingdishorround5-quartdish.

2.Coverthecrushedcookieswithsoftenedicecream.Coverandfreezeforatleasthalfanhour.

3.Inthetopofadoubleboilerorinaheatproofbowlsetoverasaucepanofsimmeringwater, slowlymelt the remaining¼cupbutter, sugar, and chocolate.Gradually add themilkandcook,stirring,until themixture thickens.Stir in thevanilla, thenremovefromtheheat.Allowthesaucetocool.

4.Pourthecooledsauceovertheicecreamlayerandreturnthecaketothefreezeruntilset,aboutanhour.

5.SpreadtheCoolWhiporwhippedcreamoverthechocolatesauce,andsprinklewiththe

pecans.Freezeforatleasthalfanhour,untilset.

6.Removetheicecreamcakefromthefreezeratleast10minutesbeforeserving.

DoubleChocolateOatmealCookies

My childhood friend Denise “Weezer” Rothermel gave me this recipe when we werepreteens,andthenIco-opteditformyself.Why,yes,Ididgrowupinaruralenvironmentwhere people as young as ten swapped recipes. I also believe I entered this inmany acountyfair,winningribbonsgalore.4-Hdoordie,people.

Now, however, I have tomake suremy oats are gluten-free (aswell as the flour).That’soneof thoseweird sneaky foods that canknock thegluten intolerantonher ass.Luckily, Bob’s RedMill makes gluten-free oats in a dedicated facility for all of youroatmealbakingneeds.

Preptime:10minutes+1hourtochillCooktime:12minutes

Makes:24cookies

INGREDIENTS1cupvegetableshortening

¾cupsugar

¾cupbrownsugar

2eggs

1teaspoonvanillaextract

1½cupsall-purposegluten-freeflour

¼teaspoonxanthangum

1teaspoonbakingsoda

¼cupcocoapowder

1teaspoonsalt

1teaspoonhotwater

2cupsgluten-freeoats

1(12-ounce)packagechocolatechips

1.Withahandmixer,cream theshorteningandsugars together.Add theeggs,oneatatime,blendingwellaftereachaddition.Addthevanilla.

2.Sift together thegluten-freeflour,xanthangum,bakingsoda,cocoapowder,andsalt.Stirtheflourmixtureintosugarandeggmixture.

3.Addthehotwater,gluten-freeoats,andchocolatechips,andmixwelltocombine.Chillthecookiemixtureintherefrigerator,covered,foratleasthalfanhour.Preheattheovento350°Fwhilethemixturechills.

4.Drop thechilledcookiedough in spoonfulsontoanungreasedcookie sheet, about½inchapart.Bake10to12minutes,untiltheedgesarecrispy.

Jack’sDevil’sFoodCake

This is theultimatedessert inmy family.Mygrandfatherused tomake this cakeeverytimewevisited.That’sright,Isaidgrandfather.GranddadReeveswasaRenaissancemanaheadofhistime:acollegefootballplayerwhoknewhiswayaroundthekitchen.OnceIknewIcouldmakethiscakegluten-free,allwasrightwiththeworld.Also,incidentally,thisishowIlearnedaboutnevereatingthegluten-freedough.

Preptime:10minutesCooktime:45minutes

Makes:16servings

INGREDIENTSFortheCake:½cupcocoapowder

2teaspoonsbakingsoda

2½cupsall-purposegluten-freeflour

1teaspoonxanthangum

¾cupvegetableshortening

2cupssugar

2eggs

1cupbuttermilk

1teaspoonvanillaextract

FortheIcing:1stickbutter

4tablespoonscocoapowder

6tablespoonsmilk

3cupsconfectioners’sugar

1cupchoppedpecans

1.Preheattheovento350°F.

2.Makethecake:Mixthecocoapowder,bakingsoda,and½cupofwatertogetherinasmallbowl.Setaside.Sifttogetherthegluten-freeflourandxanthangumandsetaside.

3.Usingahandmixer,creamtheshorteningandsugar together.Add theeggs,oneatatime,blendingwellaftereachaddition.Alternatemixing in thebuttermilkand theflourmixture, blending well after each addition, until both have been incorporated. Add thevanilla,thenaddthecocoamixtureandmixwelltocombine.

4. Grease and flour (using gluten-free flour) a 9-by-13-inch pan baking pan. Pour the

batter into thepan,andbake for40 to45minutes,oruntila toothpick inserted into thecakecomesoutclean.Setthecakeasidetocool.

5.Make the icing: Inamediumsaucepanovermediumheat,melt thebutter.Stir in thecocoapowderandmilkandbringthemixturetoaboil.Removethepanfromtheheatandadd theconfectioners’ sugar,whiskingvigorously tocombine.Add thepecansandmix,thenpourtheicingoverthecake.

ItalianCreamCake

Oneofmynewfavorites, thismoistanddeliciouscakewithcreamcheese frostingalsousedtobemymother’sfavorite—until,accordingtothefamilycookbook,shehadtostopmakingit“becausemykidsrefusetoeatcoconut!”Honestly,howdumbwasI?IseriouslypreferredPepperidgeFarmtothis,andnowI’mshakingmyheadatmyself.Don’tmakethesamemistake.Makethiscake.

Preptime:20minutesCooktime:30minutes

Makes:16servings

INGREDIENTSFortheCake:1stickbutter

½cupvegetableshortening

2cupssugar

5eggyolks

2cupsall-purposegluten-freeflour

½teaspoonxanthangum

1teaspoonbakingsoda

1cupbuttermilk

1teaspoonvanillaextract

1½cupsunsweetenedcoconutflakes

1cuppecans,chopped

5eggwhites

FortheIcing:½stickbutter,softened

8ouncescreamcheese,softened

3½cupsconfectionerssugar

1teaspoonvanillaextract

Choppedpecans

1.Makethecake:Preheattheovento350°F.

2.Usingahandmixer,creamthebutter,shortening,andsugartogetherinmediumbowl.Addtheeggyolksandbeatwell,untilthemixtureissmooth.

3. Inamediumbowl, sift together the flour,xanthangum,andbakingsoda.Mix in the

butterandsugarmixture,alternatingwiththebuttermilk,untilbothhavebeencompletelyincorporated.Addthevanilla.Stirinthecoconutandpecans.

4. Inacleanbowlwithcleanbeaterson thehandmixer,beat theeggwhitesuntil stiff.Gentlyfoldtheeggwhitesintothebatterusingaspatula.

5.Butterandflour(usinggluten-freeflour)two9-inchcakepans.Pourthebatterintothepreparedpans.Bakefor30minutes.

6.Maketheicing:Usingahandmixer,creamthebutter,creamcheese,andconfectionerssugartogetheruntilsmooth.Addthevanillaandbeatuntilcombined.

7.Whenthecakesarecompletelycool,removethemfromthepansandplaceoneroundonacakeplatter.Spreadbetween¼and½ inchof icingon topof the round.Place thesecondroundontopofthelayeroficing,thenuseanoffsetspatulaorsmoothknifetoicethetopandsidesoftheentirecake.Sprinklethetopwithchoppedpecans.

HazelnutChocolateCake

MycousinCharisisadietitian.Whichmeanssheisaproattellingyouwhatyoushouldandshouldnoteat.ItalsomeansshesentmetonsofgreatrecipeswhenshefoundoutIwasinagluten-freeway.

Thisfresh-groundhazelnutandchocolatenumberiscourtesyofhermother,myauntJulia,andbecameafastfavoriteinmyfamily.Imean,it’slikeeatingNutella,withNutellaicing.Canyousayno-brainer?

Preptime:15minutesCooktime:45minutes

Makes:12servings

INGREDIENTS1cupplus2tablespoonshazelnuts

6ouncessemisweetchocolate,chopped

½cupbutter

½teaspoonsalt

1cupsugar

2eggs

¾cupNutella

Strawberries(optional)

1.Preheattheovento350°F.Spraya9-inchspringformpanwithnonstickcookingsprayandlinethebottomwithwaxpaper.

2. In the bowl of a food processor, process the hazelnuts to a fine texture. Do notoverprocess;thenutsshouldnotbegroundintoapaste.Setaside.

3. In the top of a double boiler or in a heatproof bowl set over a saucepan of gentlysimmeringwater,meltthechocolateandbutter.Stirinthesalt,andmixuntilsmooth.Addthesugar,mixwelltocombine,thenremovethepanfromtheheat.

4. Inasmallbowl,beatoneegg,andstir it into thechocolatemixture.Repeatwith thesecondegg.Foldthehazelnutsintothebatter,andpourthebatterintothepreparedpan.

5.Bakefor45minutes,oruntila toothpickinsertedintothecakecomesoutwithmoistcrumbs.

6. Allow the cake to cool in the pan. In amedium saucepan over low heat, warm theNutella until it reaches a pourable consistency, then pour it over the cake. Serve withstrawberries,ifdesired.

Stone-FruitKuchen

AlthoughI’mmoreofafreshfruittypeofgal,mylittlegirlcamehomeravingaboutherCSA(community-supportedagriculture)boxofgoodsthatwasfilledwithapricots,plums,andpeaches.Thereweresomanyoptions,andsuchhugequantitiesofstonefruit, thatIknewIwasgoingtohavetocookthemortheywouldjustgotowaste.

So this iswhatmagic happenedwhen I tookmymother’s recipe for kuchenwithpeachesandgluten-freedit,addedinamixofstonefruit,andserveditup.Everyonewentcrazyforitagainandagain,anditbecametheweeklysummertreat,courtesyoftheCSA.

Preptime:15minutesCooktime:40minutes

Makes:12servings

INGREDIENTSFortheKuchen:2peaches

2nectarines

2apricots

½cupbutter,melted

¾cupsugar

1egg

1cupsourcream

1½cupsall-purposegluten-freeflour

⅛teaspoonxanthangum

¾teaspoonbakingsoda

½teaspoonsalt

FortheTopping:¼cupbrownsugar

¼cupsugar

¼cupbutter,melted

¼cupall-purposegluten-freeflour

1teaspooncinnamon

¼teaspoonnutmeg

1.Makethekuchen:Preheattheovento350°F.Greasea9-by-13-inchcakepan.

2.Slicethefruitintohalvesorthirds,dependingontheirsize.Setaside.

3.Creamthebutterandsugartogether.Mixintheeggandsourcream.Addthegluten-freeflour,xanthangum,bakingsoda,andsalt.Pourthebatterintothepreparedpan.

4.Makethetopping:Inamediumbowl,combinethebrownsugar,sugar,butter,gluten-freeflour,cinnamon,andnutmeg.

5.Sprinklehalfof the toppingover thebatter in thepan,andarrangetheslicedfruitontop.

6.Sprinkletheremainingtoppingoverthefruit,andbakefor40minutes.Servewarm.

PeanutButterCupCookies

MyfriendJodieusedtomakethegluten-filledversionofthis,yetwouldnevergiveupherrecipe.Therefore,IhadtowingitwhenIwantedtocreatesomegluten-freegoodness.IfIdosaysomyself, thiscookie isanamazingcomboofpeanutbutterandchocolate.Bestcookie in the universe?Quite possibly. I know this because I tried this recipe a zilliondifferentwaysinordertofindperfection.

Herearethetricks:Usefull-sizeReese’speanutbuttercupsandsplurgeonareallyfantasticgluten-free flour for this recipe, just toensureoptimumcookieenjoyment.TryCup4Cup,BetterBatter,orKingArthur’s.

Preptime:20minutesCooktime:17minutes

Makes:24cookies

INGREDIENTSFortheCookies:1cupbutter,softened

1cupsugar

1cupbrownsugar

2eggs

1teaspoonvanillaextract

1cuppeanutbutter,atroomtemperature

1teaspoonbakingsoda

1teaspoonsalt

3½cupsall-purposegluten-freeflour

1teaspoonxanthangum

24regular-sizeReese’sPeanutButterCups

FortheChocolateIcing:1cupsemisweetchocolatechips

1cupunsaltedbutter,atroomtemperature

4cupsconfectioners’sugar

½cupmilk

¼teaspoonsalt

1.Makethecookies:Preheattheovento350°F.

2.Inalargebowl,creamtogetherthebutterandsugars.Addtheeggsandvanilla,andbeatwell.Mixinthepeanutbutter.Stirinbakingsoda,salt,gluten-freeflour,andxanthangum

andmixuntilwellincorporated.

3.Roll thedoughinto3-inchballs.Placeapeanutbuttercup in themiddleofeachballandthenwrapthedougharoundit,thenrollthedoughbackintoaball.

4.Place12ballsofdoughonacookiesheet,spaced½inchapart.Bakefor17minutes.Setasidetocool.

5.Make the chocolate icing: In amedium saucepan over low heat, melt the chocolatechipsandbutter.Removefromtheheat,andwhiskintheconfectioners’sugar,whiskingvigorouslytoavoidlumps.

6.Addthemilkandsalttotheicingandsetasidetocool.

7.Placethecooledfrostinginapipingbagfittedwithaplaintip(orazip-topbagwithonecornersnippedoff),anddecoratethecookieswithchocolateicingstripes.

ChessPie

Thefirst timeImademygrandmaFaye’schesspie formyCalifornia-bornhusband,healmostwent into a sugar coma.Having never been exposed to the joy of a sugar-and-buttermilkpiebefore,hismindwasblownthatpeopleactuallymadeandatethisall thetimewhereIcamefrom.

AlthoughGrandma alwaysmade her own crust, I’ve officially decided that a boxcrust—orbetteryet,afrozengluten-freecrust—isthewaytogowithgluten-freepie.Assomeonewhowasactuallyabletomakeadecentpiecrustbeforemylifestyleswitch,I’vestillneverfoundtheperfectrecipeforabasicgluten-freepiecrustthatonecouldactuallyrolloutwithoutincident.Oratleast,aperfectrecipethatdidnotinvolvemultiplegluten-freefloursandhoursofmytime.

WhatI’msayingisbuyaboxorbuyitfrozen,andsimplyhavethatunbakedgluten-freepiecrustreadyfortheseunbelievablysweetingredients.

Preptime:5minutesCooktime:45minutes

Makes:8servings

INGREDIENTS¼poundbutter,softened

1¾cupsugar

3eggs

1tablespoonall-purposegluten-freeflour

½cupbuttermilk

1premadegluten-freepiecrust

1.Preheattheovento350°F.

2.Usingahandmixer,creamthebutterandsugartogetheruntillightandfluffy.

3.Beat theeggs inaseparatebowl, thenaddthemto thebutter–sugarmixture.Addtheflourandbuttermilk,andmixthoroughly.

4. Pour the mixture into the gluten-free piecrust and bake for 45minutes, or until thecenterofthepiedoesnotjiggle.

GermanCreamCheeseBrownies

YetanotherwinningrecipefromAuntLoretta.Ilearnedthatthe“German”inthisrecipecomesfromthebrandofchocolate.SoIdecidedtostopthrowingcoconutallovertheseand let themstandas is.Coconutornococonut, thesebrownieshavebecomemygo-tosnackforeverysingletripItakeawayfromhome.Theytravelwell,andtheysatisfyanycravingIhavethatwouldotherwiseleadtomeshovinggluten-filledcookiesinmymouth.

Preptime:20minutesCooktime:40minutes

Makes:16brownies

INGREDIENTS4ouncesGermanSweetChocolate(alternatively,use4ouncessemisweetchocolateplus2tablespoonssugar)

5tablespoonsbutter

3ouncescreamcheese,softened

1cupsugar

3eggs

½cupplus1tablespoonall-purposegluten-freeflour

1½teaspoonsvanillaextract

½teaspoonbakingpowder

¼teaspoonsalt

¼teaspoonxanthangum

¼teaspoonalmondextract

½cuppecans,chopped

1.Preheattheovento350°F.Greasea9-inchsquarebakingpan.

2.Inamediumsaucepanoververylowheat,meltthechocolateand3tablespoonsofthebutter.Allowthemixturetocool.

3.Beat the remaining butter and cream cheese together, gradually adding¼ cup of thesugarandbeatinguntillightandfluffy.

4.Add1egg,1tablespoonofthegluten-freeflour,and½teaspoonofthevanillatothecreamcheesemixtureandmixwelltocombine.Setaside.

5.Inamediumbowl,beattheremainingeggsuntillightandfluffy.

6.Addtheremainingsugar,remainingflour,thebakingpowder,salt,andxanthangumtoeggs.Mixinthecooledchocolatemixture,thenaddthealmondextractandtheremainingvanilla.Set1cupofthebatteraside.

7.Pourtheremainingbatterintothepreparedpan.Pourthecreamcheesemixtureoverthe

batter.Dropthereserved1cupofbatterontop,intablespoons,andswirlittogetherwiththecreamcheeselayer.

8.Topthebatterevenlywithchoppedpecans.Bakefor40minutes.

Gluten-FreeCoconutMacaroons

Everyyear atPassovermykids are clamoring formacaroons.Whilemanyof themarenaturallygluten-free,youdon’twanttogetstuckinthebathroominthemiddleofPesach.Sowhiptheseupinstead!

Preptime:15minutesCooktime:20minutesbakingtime

Makes:20cookies

INGREDIENTS2eggwhites

Pinchofsalt

1(14-ounce)cansweetenedcondensedmilk

1¼teaspoonsvanillaextract

1(14-ounce)bagsweetenedcoconutflakes

1.Preheattheovento325°F.Lineabakingsheetwithparchmentpaper.

2.Combinetheeggwhitesandsaltinacleanmetalbowlandwhiskwithanelectricmixeruntiltheeggwhitesformsoftpeaks.

3.Inaseparatebowl,combinethecondensedmilk,vanilla,andcoconut.

4.Gently fold thewhippedeggwhites into the coconutmixture.Place thebatter in therefrigerator,covered,for20minutes.

5.Dropthechilledbatterbythetablespoonontothepreparedbakingsheet.Bakefor15to20minutes,oruntilgoldenbrown.

Gluten-FreeCoffeeShake

Here’sthethingaboutStarbucks:Theycannotbetrusted.Aftermakingmyskinnyvanillalattediscovery,Irealizedthatbuyinganyspecialcoffeedrinkputsyourgutatrisk.Hence,mynewfoundloveofwhippingupgluten-free“frappucinos”inmyownhouse!Therecipemakesthreefraps,soinvitetwofriendsovertoshare.

Preptime:15minutesMixtime:3minutes

Makes:3bigcoffeeshakes

INGREDIENTS2cupsdark-roastcoffee,cooled

1½cupsmilk

2tablespoonsagavesyrup

2tablespoonsvanillamapleagavesyrup

1½cupsice

1.Putthesedeliciousingredientsintoablenderandblenduntil theiceisbrokenupandthemixturereachestheconsistencyofafrappucino.Pourintotallglassesandserve!

GingerLemonKick

Let’s face it,gluteniacs,youneedadrink.Alsohelpful?Adrink thatsoothes thatupsetstomach. Add ginger to your cocktail, and you can pretend that you’re drinking formedicalreasons.Whichyouare.

Iprefertouseoneofthoseartisanalgingersodasforthisrecipe,ratherthangingerbeerorgingerale.Butyoucansubstituteeitherofthosebeveragesifthat’swhatyouhaveonhand.Ifyou’reusinggingerale,youcanskipthesimplesyrup.

Makes:1finecocktail

INGREDIENTS1ouncevodka

1ouncefreshsqueezedlemonjuice

2ouncesgingersoda

½ouncesimplesyrup

Ice

Lemonwedge

1.Addthevodka,lemonjuice,gingersoda,andsimplesyruptoacocktailshakerwith3icecubes.Shakeuntilwellblended.

2.Pourintoahighballglassoverice.Servewithalemonwedge.

TamarindMargarita

Every time Igo tomy favoriteMexican joint inLosAngeles—LoteriaGrill—Iorder atamarindmargarita.Andnow,Iknowhowtomakeupthistartplusspicynumberinmyownhouse.The trick is finding the tamarindpasteor tamarindconcentrate.Look in theIndian or Mexican section in the grocery store or buy it online. A delicious tamarindmargaritaisaveryfancygluten-freewaytoconsumeyourtequila.BecauseyoudeservebetterthantheaverageJoemargarita—youdo!

Makes:1margarita

INGREDIENTSChilipowder

Seasalt

2limewedges

2ouncestequila

1ouncefresh-squeezedlimejuice

1ounceCointreau

½ouncetamarindpaste

½ouncesimplesyrup

Ice

1.Mixequalpartschilipowderandseasalt together,andplaceona smallplate.Usealimewedgetowettherimofarocksglass.Diptherimintothesalt–chilipowdermixture.Setaside.

2. In a cocktail shaker, combine the tequila, lime juice, Cointreau, tamarind paste, andsimplesyrup.Shakevigorouslyuntilthetamarindpasteisfullydissolved.

3.Pourovericeintothepreparedglass.Servewithalimewedge.

Jell-OShots,ThreeWays

Don’t you let them kick you out of the tailgating community just because you can’tshotgunabeer likeyouused to.Showupwith thesewhiskey, tequila,andvodkaJell-Oshotsandnoonecanaccuseyouofbeing“nofunanymore.”

ThisisthebasicrecipeforJell-Oshots—yes,youtotallydoneedarecipe—andmysuggestionsofcombos include:RaspberryJell-O+bourbon;LimeJell-O+ tequila;andLemonJell-O+vodka.Gotoit!

Preptime:2minutesCook/Cooltime:2hours

Makes:6shots

INGREDIENTS3ouncesJell-O(anyflavor)

6ouncesboilingwater

6ouncesboozeofyourchoosing

1. Pour the gelatin into a bowl and add the boiling water, stirring until the gelatin isdissolved.

2.Stirintheliquor.

3.Pourthemixtureinto6shotglassesandrefrigerateuntilset,approximately2hours.

4.Shootit!

I t’spossibleyou’vereadotherbooksaboutgoinggluten-freethatsaysomethinglike“Arrive to dinner at least three hours early to inspect the kitchen. If a non-contaminatedsurface isnotavailable tospeciallyprepareyourmeal,comeprepared

withabucketofbleachandgloves.Gettowork.”Ifthat’syourjam,well,you’llhaveaverycleanandsafekitchenpreparingyourfood,aswellasadiningroomfullofpeopletryingtotakeyourphotowiththeirphonessotheycanpostaboutyouontheInternet.I,however,amnotgoing toadvocate thatkindofcraziness. I firmlybelieve thatyoucan,andwill, haveamazing restaurant experienceswithout resorting to storming thekitchenandpissingofftheverypeoplewhomyou’reaskingtotakespecialcarewithyourfood.It’scoolifyou’vegotthecojonestodothis—andpleasewritemeletterstellingmehowitgoes—and itwillmostdefinitelyalerteveryone toyourdietaryneeds. In fact, therearetimesIwishIhaddonethisexactsamething.However…

Ialsoknowthata littlecharmgoesa longway.Hell,a littleflirting,maybea littlehintingabouthowwaitersrefer toyouas“Mrs.Moneybags”about town…whatever ittakestogetattentiveservice.Don’truleoutalow-cutblouse,ladies.OK,thatmighthavejustcrossedaline.ButI’mnotheretojudge,justtoprovidehelpfulsuggestionsotherthan“kick some ass, and take some gluten-free names.” You may feel the soft blowing ofsunshineupyourbuttwhenIsayit ispossible towalkintoanewrestaurantwithoutanattitudeandnotwindupinthebowlallnight.Itjusttakesalittlebitofeffort.IdobelieveIjustheardacollectivegluten-freegroan.Fromdeepinsideofme.

Likeanyonewhocannotsitdownata tableandannounce,“Chef’schoice!”Ihatethe stressofdiningoutwith crazy food restrictions.Myenjoymentof foodwasgreatlyreducedwiththisdiagnosis,butI’vebeenfightingmywaybacktonormal.Orrather,whatwasnormalforme.Iwasthegalwhoconsideredadatewithoutamealnotevenfirst-baseworthy.WhenIhitanewtown,Iarrivedwitha listof restaurants that Imust try,atallcosts, even if it meant skipping out early on the Louvre. If there was a farm-to-tableopeningwithinatwenty-mileradius,Iwasthecustomershowingupearlyanddroolingonthe free-range chickenwith seasonal stuffing. I was a regular Zagat survey filler-outeruntil Iwas forced to completely rewiremy brain on no gluten.Had Instagram becomepopularbeforemydiagnosis,Iwouldhavebeenthatannoyingfrienddocumentingallof

hermealsforanyonewhocares—andallofthosewhototallydonot(read:mostofthem).Thencametheceliac.Stupidceliac.

Now,mygoalistosimplyhaveadeliciousmealwithoutgettingglutenedormakinganyone in the restauranthateme.Growingup inOklahomameansbeingpolite andnotcomplainingevenifyou’vegotashovelplantedinthemiddleofyourforehead.SinceItakemyheritage very seriously, I always domybest to not be a strain onmy server’smentalhealthbybeingabadcustomer,andtipasifshe/hehadjustgivenmeamassage.Youdon’thavetogoallGreatPlainswhenyoudineout,butIdobelieveit’spossibletobeclearaboutyourdietaryrestrictions,withoutbeingatotalasshole.Notincidentally,ifyour go-to persona is “asshole”when you dine out, you really need to stay homeuntilyourtherapist’sworkiscomplete.

So tell us, wise lady, how do we keep it together when we’re dining out butsomewhatterrified?Well,I’mgladyouasked!

Fearingrestaurantsnowthatyou’regluten-freeistotallynormal.Infact,youshouldhavealittlebitoffearinyou;otherwiseyoumightjustplayfastandloosewithyourmealoncetoooftenandwindupinthebathroomallnight.Whichmeansyou’renotgettinganyaction.Andnoonewantsthat.Forthesakeofyoursexlife,pleasereadthischapter,andhaveyoursexeereaditaswellsoshe/heknowstotakeyourglutenissuesseriously.Like,lack-of-sexseriously.

Go-ToGluten-FreeCuisine

Whensomeonedecidestobecomeavegetarian,theadvicestartstoflowonthebestplacestogoouttoeatwithoutmeat.Thecommonrefrainistogoethnic,becausetherearemanycultureswhodonotworshipatthechurchofbaconasweNorthAmericantypesdo.Youmaythinkthisisagoodideaforeliminatingglutenfromyourdietaswell,butsadlyitisnot. Themajor problem is there is not a culture that immediately springs tomind thateschewswheat,barley,orrye.Maybetriticale.Youmaybethinking,ButApril,Ihaven’tnoticedalotofWonderBreadinmyChinesefood,andyouwouldberight.However,thatdevilsoysauceruinsanychancesyouhaveofgoingfordimsumeveragain,atleastuntilatotallygluten-freeChinesebistroopensupinPortland,Oregon.Anditwill.Ihatebeingthefoul-mouthedbearerofthisinformation,whenwhatIreallywanttodoistoempoweryoutogoouttheretoKungPaoPalaceandeatuntilyourtenderbellyisfull.Youshould,however,startatyourlocaltacocartinstead.

MexicanFood

Here’sthegreatnews.Youwillstillbeabletoeatmuchotacos.SinceauthenticMexicanfood standards include corn, rice, andbeans, you could doworse than to try to live onMexican food for the rest of your life. In fact, I’ve considered making this my ownpersonalgoal(ifby“considered,”Imeanindulginginbiweeklyhomemadenachoparties).Here are the lovely, naturally gluten-free elements that can (and should!) go into yourMexicanfeast:

•Corntortillas

•Pintoorblackbeans

•Cheese!!!!!

•Grilledmeats

•Guacamole

•Salsa

•Tamales

•Tortillachips*

And that,my friends, isonegreatbigpileofyum.Oh,younoticed that*?Here’syourtortillachipwarning:Therearetwowaystortillachipscangofromradtopoopingyourpants.One, ifyour tortillachipsareseasonedwithsoysauce (yes,onebranddoesthis);andtwo,ifyourtortillachipsarefriedinthesameoilasgluten.Thesamethinggoesforhard-shelltacos(akafriedcorntortillas).Iftheysharetheoil,youarescrewed.Again,this is why the taco stand is so awesome because you’re getting tacos and chips—noquesadillainaflourtortilla,nofriedflautas,nodeep-friedchilerellenos.ThisisalsowhyItotallydidn’tpanicafterbeingdiagnosedwithceliacandheadingtoMexicoaweeklaterformyfamilyvacation.YoucaneatwellinMexico,andgluten-free.Infact,startplanningallofyourvacationstoMexicotoensurehealthyeating.You’rewelcome,TourismBoardofMexico.

Withthissaid,unlessyouareincontrolofyourbeans,guacamole,cheese,andchips,youstillhavetoaskyourserveraboutthepreparation.Althoughitmayseemridiculoustoaddflourtorefriedbeans,Icanguaranteeyouthatsomecrappychefsomewherehasdonejustthat.Anotherwarning:Mexicanfoodisyourfriend,butitsdeliciousdeep-fried,flour-tortilla-lovingcousin,Tex-Mex,istotallynot.Nomorechimichangasforyou,myfellowgluten-hater.Goaheadandhaveagoodcry;you’veearnedit.

WhoArethePeopleinYour(Gluten-Free)Neighborhood?It’sacliché tosay thatwhenyoufaceadversity,youfindoutwhoyour real friendsarebecauseit’stotallytrue.Yourbeinggluten-freeiseithergoingtobeembraced,ignored,orattacked. Sometimes all three at once, if you’re at a particularly drunken dinner party.Let’sassumeyou’renotbeingajerkaboutyourgluten-freeneeds,oratleastifyouareit’sbecause you’re having to deal with the asshole who is trying to force-feed you Carr’scrackerswithfoiegras.Forthoseofuswhoarebasicallynicepeopleandsimplytryingtobesocialwhilestillbeinggluten-free,herearethefivetypesoffriendsyou’llmeetatthebuffet.

1.TheBFF—Thisguyorgalwillgreetyouwithagluten-freebeerandescortyouovertothegrillwhereyourburgerisbeingcookedseparately—alongwithitsgluten-freebun—beforetherestofthegluten-filledgrubgetsitallmessy.Youmustworshipthisfriendandnever,ever,everdoanythingtolosethisgem.

2.The“It’sAllAboutMe”Friend—Yousay“gluten-free,”hesays,“Ihavearash.”No

matterwhat,you’renotgoingtogetawayfromhimatthedinnertableorfortherestofhis life now that he knows he has someone to commiserate with whenever he gets ahangnail.

3. The Passive-Aggressive Friend—She says she totally gets it and loves to offercondolences.Yetshesomehowforgetsyou’llwindupbentoverthebowlallnightwhensheorderspizzaforeveryonetocelebrateyourjobpromotion.

4.TheAggressive-AggressiveFriend—Whateveryoudidtothisguy,heisNOToverit.Asseenbyhisconstantattacksonyour“condition.”(Quotesarehis.)Youtellthewaiteryou can’t eat gluten, he laughs and tells thewaiter he can’t eat broccoli.You can alsodependonhim to forwardyouanyarticles that include“KimKardashian”and“gluten”becausehe’scoollikethat.

5.TheEx-Friend—I’msorrytosayit’sgoingtohappen.Youwillfindyourselfblockingcallsfromatleastonejerkwhosays,“You’renofunanymore”ortalkssmackaboutyoubehindyourback.Forsomereasonwhenpeoplegetsick,somepeoplefinditincrediblyoffensive. Don’t worry; you really won’t miss her and her evil aura. Seriously, this issomeoneyouprobablyshouldhavegottenridofassoonasyousawherduck-faceprofilepic.

All-American

Sure, Americans love their bread. But if you can take your burger protein-style (in alettucewrapwithout thebun),you’re totally set.There are alsomanyhotdogs that aregluten-free, and you can also ditch the bun.Most food that can be thrownon a grill isgoingtobegluten-free,andwhohasmoregrillskillsthanthoseofusinthegoodoldU.S.ofA.?SowhatI’msayingiseatmeat likeanNFLlinebackerandyou’llbetotallyOK,gluten-wise.I’mnotgoingtogetintotheotherhealthissues(ahem,heartdisease)becausewe’re just talking about gluten right now.Of course, some restaurants like to get fancywiththemarinadeontheirslabsofmeat.Probablybecausethey’reun-American.Again,soy sauce could be lurking in that liquid flavor, so always ask your server about theingredients.If theythickenwithflourorjazzitupwithsoysauce,youcannothavethatmeat.Youcanstillenjoytheheckoutofthebakedpotato,though.GodblessAmerica!

DidyouknowthatwhenAmericanstravelabroad,peoplefromotherculturesthinkwesmell likecheese?Well,someonetoldmethatsoitmustbetrue.I tendtobelieveitbecause, as Borat showed us, Americans have more cheese at their disposal than theDutchandSwisscombined.AndIbelieveeverythingIseeatthemovies.AsImentionedbefore,cheeseisyourfriendinitspurestform.Soeatup,gluten-frees;it’sallgood.Howshouldyoueat it?Howaboutmeltedon topofaburgerwitha lettucewrap?On topofyourFrench friesnot cooked ingluten?Yes!Howabout servedwithyour crudité?Oh,hell yes. Deep-fried?Only if you do it yourself.My point is, cheese andmeat can befoundinyourlocalbarandgrill,andyoushouldeatthem.

Vegetarian

Andnowfor somethingcompletelydifferent!Although I found it incrediblydifficult tomaintainavegetariandietwithoutshovingpastainmygullet,ifyougotoarestaurantthatcaters to vegetarians, you’ll findmuchmore creative options thanmy own “pasta andcheese—again”meal.Vegetariansgetthedietaryrestrictionthingaswell,soyou’lllikelyfindanattentivechefandwaitstaffwhenyoustarttounloadonthemaboutyourgluten.Onewarning:Seitanisallgluten,allthetime.Donotenjoythismeatsubstituteifyoudonotwanttobeinmassivegutpain.Also,watchoutforthatsoysauce.Soysauce,whatisyourproblem?

Indian

Naanaside,youcaneatwellatanIndianrestaurantwithoutgluten.Chickentikkamasalawithbasmatiriceisafantasticgo-to,asaredal,dosas,saagpaneer,andanumberofotherdishes.Ofcourseyou’vegottowatchoutforthesamosas,thoselovely,lovelydeep-friedtreats.With all of the amazing flavors found in Indian food, you’ll be so satisfiedwithyourmealyouwon’tfeellikeyou’vebeendeprivedofanything.

Thai

Hooray for rice noodles! Still, you’ve got to watch out for the soy sauce and the fishsauce, so choose yourThai restaurantwisely.Not unlike dining out on sushi (which isalmostperfect,ifnotforthatdangsoy),Thaifoodisonlyasgoodasthepeopleservingyou,theglutenintolerant.Althoughpadthaiisalmostalwaysguaranteedtobeadeliciousgluten-freeoption,youmustaskyourserver.Sobanoodlesaregenerallysafe,butsomedocrossoverintowheattown.Sayitwithme:Askyourserver!

The best thing about enjoying delicious Thai food is that once you’ve found afavorite restaurant that’s safe,youcanalways satisfy theAsian food jones thatChinesetakeout can no longer soothe (a few Chinese restaurants like P.F. Chang’s aside—seeResources.)

Seafood

With the exception of some sauces, if you go to a seafood joint you will be in prettydecentshape.Apieceoffishisbestservedinitsmostnaturalstate,withasplashofbutter,someherbs,lemon,andthat’saboutit.Areputableseafoodrestaurantwon’ttrytocoverupitsqualityfishbyaddinglotsof thingstothedish,andinsteadworkstoenhancethefish, as is. Which is great for the gluten-free because that usually means very fewingredients,andforthemostpart,gluten-free.Thisofcourse,excludesRedLobster.

RedLobster loves toputglutenallover their seafood,but in theirdefense, theyatleasthaveanallergenmenusoyouknowwhat tosteerclearofwhilediningat theRL.Theyalsohavethedisclaimerthatfoodprepareasdonotallowthemtobetrulyallergen-free.AlthoughthismakesmeneverwanttosetfoodinaRedLobster,youhavetorealizethat this is the reality in most restaurants. Which brings me to the chain vs. indie

discussion.

T.G.I.Friday’svs.ChezPanisse:UltimateCage-FreeMatch

Asyoustartlookingaroundforaplacetograbyourgluten-freedinner,you’llnoticethatchain restaurants aswell as independently owned establishments are both gettingmoreandmoreintothewholegluten-freediningscene.Althoughit’sfascinatingtomethattwodifferentstylesofrestaurantarebothgettingonthesamebandwagon,itcanbedifficulttofigureoutwhichrestaurantisgoingtosafelyserveyouyourbroccoliandsteak.

Chain restaurants become chain restaurants because they’ve got a formula that iswinningacrossAmerica,andoftentimes,theworld.YoumayhateMcDonald’s,butwow,aheckofalotofpeopledonot.Withovertwentybazillionsold,thosepeoplehavewonthe restaurant race.The problemwith awinning formula is that those chain restaurantshavetomakesureeveryoneoftheir15,000restaurantsacrossthecountryservestheexactsamething,withtheexactsameflavor,everysingletime.Whichisalsowhysomechainsintroduce a gluten-free menu, realize how difficult it is to maintain consistent safepractices, and later pull it.Howdo these chain restaurants prep this food so it’s all thesame?Factories,additives,andpreservatives.Howdoesonecoverupthefactthataporkchop did not come from the farm across the street, slaughtered earlier that day?Breadcrumbs, sauces, and other delicious coverings that will totally make you, the glutenintolerant,sick.

This iswhyIarguefor thefarm-to-table typerestaurantsbecausethefoodisfresh,generally organic and/or locally sourced, and additive-free. Most locavore chefs pridethemselvesonfoodthatisnotmessedwith,whichisgreatforyou.Most(notall)chefsatthehotlocalrestaurantsalsopridethemselvesontheiruniquefoodcombinationsthataremind-blowingly good. As a foodie, I have nothing but appreciation for the “nosubstitutions”policy,butasaglutenhater,itkindofsucks.Additionally,asmallkitchen(orheck,evenabigkitchen)thatissetuptodeliverthedinertheultimatefarm-to-tableexperienceisnotsetuptomakesureyou,theglutenintolerant,donotgetsick.AlthoughImaypreferthistypeofdiningexperience,it’sabsolutelyarisk.AndwhileIcantellyoustories of being treated incredibly well at my favorite locavore restaurants around thecountry,Icannotpromiseyouthatyouwon’tgetglutened.ThismakesmesadbecauseIreally,really,reallywantyoutoexploreeveryrestaurantpossibleandnotbeafraidtostrayfromTheMeltingPot.YetIwouldbeirresponsibleifIdidn’tpointoutthatakitchenthatisnotsetupfortheallergiccouldbeadangerouskitchen.

With that said, I totally enjoy these joints where hipster foodies flock and willcontinuetodoso.What,youmayask,doIdotoprotectmyself?Well,gfgang,Italktotheserververypolitely.Iacknowledgethatthisisnotanawesomethingformetoaskoftheverytalentedkitchenstaff,andsometimesevenapologize.Ismilepolitely;Itiplarge.And if I get sick, I never go back. It’s not perfect, but it’swhat I’mwilling to do andwillingtoenduresoIcanstillpretendI’mnormal.Youmaynotbewillingtodothesame,andIhavemadrespectforthatposition.I’msimplytellingyouthatifyou’refeelingsadbecauseyou’llneverget tohangoutat thebarof thenewestgastropubwith thatcrazychefwhoalwayswearsatiara,justdoit.Justdon’tdoiteveryday.Alsopleasenotethat

nodoctorworthhis/hersaltwouldgiveyouthisadvice.ThisiswhatI,agluten-freegirlwho loves her food, am saying that I insist on doing tomy own body. If youwant toguaranteethatnoglutenentersyourbody,youmustonlyvisitrestaurantsthataretotallysafe.(SeeResources.)

Now, let’s move on to the more flexible, yet potentially more dangerous, chainoptions.Youwillfindatonofgluteninfastfoodandchainrestaurants,butmanyofthosejointsaregettinghiptotheprogramandofferinggluten-freemenustuckedinsidethesix-page binder. Hooray! Hooray? Don’t get too excited about eating gluten-free in theneighborhoodjustyet.

It is very exciting when you stumble upon a gluten-freemenu at a restaurant, nomatterwhatthatrestauranthappenstoserve.Likeatwo-bitfloozy,Irantoanyrestaurantthat advertised a gluten-free menu when I was first diagnosed and looking for a goodgluten-free time. It was amazing, relaxing, and offeredme some comfort just as I haddecided I could never leave my own kitchen again. Then I got sick a few times andrealizedjustbecausetheingredientsinadishdonotcontainglutendoesn’tmeanthepotitwascookedin, theplate itwasservedon,or thecounteronwhichitwaschoppedwerefreeofgluten.Unlesssomeonetellsyouspecificallythat theydothat—andsomeplacesdo(again,seeResources)—youhavetoaskabouttheprepandstressthatyoucan’thavegluten.Notevenataste.

TheGlutenRebrandLet’sface it:Gluten isnotasexyword. Inorder toreallysell thisgluten-free thing,weneedtorebrandgluten.Afterassemblingahighlytalentedmarketingteamtocreateanewglutenstrategy,Itotallyignoredthemandcameupwithsomenewwordsforglutenonmyveryown.Try thefollowing inasentencesuchas“I’m________-free!”Or“Ican’teat__________becauseitmakesmepoop.”

G-bud Bongwater

Lovepoison Toppertot

SharonStone WheatyMcWheatsalot

Thomas Fahrvergnügen

Squish

You’regettingthepicture,aren’tyou?You’vegottospeakupandcheckupinordertoeatsafelyabouttown.Asafairlyrecentlydiagnosedceliac,Iabsolutelyhatedoingthiseven as I cheerlead you on to doing that exact thing. So much so I turned to AliciaWoodward, the editor in chief of LivingWithout magazine, to ask for some advice ondiningoutgluten-free.Luckyforme,Woodwardisalsoapsychotherapist,soshenaileditforme.“I’dlovetotalktoyouinfiveyears,”shesaidwhenItoldherIhadzerodesireto

challengetheguyontheChipotlelinewhodidnotchangehisglovesafterhandlingaflourtortilla.Althoughmyargumentwouldbesomething like“Doyoureallywant tobe thatpersonwhoholds up the lunch rush?”Woodward remindedme that itwould be totallyappropriatetodosomethinglikeask,“Canyoumakemeanotheronethat’sclean?”Shecheeredmeonbysaying,“Theywouldcountthatasalearningexperiencefortheserver.You’vegottobewell,andyourhealthisworthfightingfor.MaybethatguyatChipotleneedstobereminded.”SoIdecidedtotryagainbecausethissmart,niceladytoldmeIcoulddoit.Also,it’sabouttimeIservedasagoodexampletoyoupeople,ratherthanacautionarytale.

Youmaybewonderinghowit’spossibleforsomeonewithsomanycursewordsinhervocabularytobecompletelycowedbywalkingintoherlocalChipotleandaskingtheservertochangehisgloves.IwaswonderingthesamethingasItookaleftturninsteadofarightoutsideofmyneighborhoodandtraveledtotheValleyinsteadofmyusualjointinHollywood. You guys, I went to the Valley because I was too scared to talk to aHollywoodChipotleemployee. I foundmyselfneedingWoodward’spsychotherapy rightaboutthen.

Here’sthedifferencebetweeneatingfastfoodandsittingdownatarestaurantwhenyou’re gluten-free.My feeling has been that yourwait staff at a restaurant is ready tomakeyouhappy.I’mhappywhenI’mnotgettingglutened.SoeventhoughIdon’tlovetheexperienceoftrottingoutmyspecialneedsatmyfavoritebistro,IfeellikeI’mbeingridiculoustoexpectsomeonetostopwhathe/sheisdoingandfixmeacleantriooftacoswhenfifteenpeopleareinlinebehindme,hungry,andcravingbarbacoa.Thisfeelingwasintensified as I had plenty of time to stare at the assembly line of not one but fouremployees Iwas nowgoing to have to ask to change their gloves.That’s eight gloves,people.Ialmostwalkedout.

Instead,myloveforChipotleguacamolepropelledmetothefrontoftheline,whereIsaidtotheveryniceman,“Hi,Ihaveceliacdisease,andIwaswonderingifyouwouldmindchangingyourglovesbeforeyoumakemytacos.”Whenhesaid,“What?”Ialmostranout.YetIsummonedupthecouragetosay(somewhatinaccurately),“Iamallergictoflourtortillas;couldyouchangeyourglovesbeforemakingmehard-shelltacos?”Here’showitwentdown.Ilookedoveratthecookwhowaswatchingtheyoungmanchangehisgloves. I swear I saw a snicker. The server filled me up with pintos, and I made thedecisionthatIwasjustgoingtohavetolivewiththreeotherpeoplegettingglutenallovermyfoodbecauseIwasnotaskingonemorepersontochangehisgloves.ThensomethingmagicalhappenedrightthereintheStudioCityChipotle.Withjustawhisper,theyoungman convinced the second server to trade places as hemovedmy tacos down the line.Thenanotherserverwasdisplacedasheshepherdedmytacosallthewaytotheendoftheline, even coveringmy to-go order with foil before the last lady in line could put herglutenylittlehandsalloverit.AsIthankedthismanprofusely,whiletherestofhisteamwaslookingathimlikehewasnuts,Icouldnotbelievemyluck.Apparentlythatwasoneemployeewhoneedednoremindersoftraining,unlikeme.NaturallyIfilledupthetipjar,andthenrealized,“Ohmygod,I’msuchajerk.InevertipatChipotle.”Imaynevergoback to thatparticularChipotleoutofembarrassment,but itwillnotbeoutof fear thattheydon’tknowwhat they’redoingin that joint. I tookhomeapairofballsalongwiththosedelicioustacos.Yes.I.Did.

IknowI’mahugeweenie,buthere’s thething.AsWoodwardremindedme,everypersonwho is gluten intolerant, celiac, has awheat allergy, or is just sensitive lies in adifferentplaceonthesymptomspectrum.Theseverityofyoursymptomswillmostlikelyinformhowadamantyouarewhenyoutalktopeopleinthefood-serviceindustryaboutyourmeal.Someofyoupoorpeoplewillgetknockedout foraweekandhave tomissworkifyouingestgluten.Thereareceliacswho,afterevenbreathinginflourintheair,sufferneurologicalsymptomsforthelongterm.Thentherearepeoplelikemewhodealwithanexpulsionoftheirinsidesforadayorthree,andthengetonwithit.Whodoyouthink is going to bemore likely to frogmarch that server into the bathroom andmakehim/herremovethosegloves,scrubdownwithhotwater,thencomebackandtryagain?Technically, we all should (perhaps in a more gentle manner than described) becauseingesting gluten hurts your insides, even if you don’t have an immediate outwardsymptom.Thefactis,theonlywaytostayhealthywhenyouhaveceliacdiseaseistobecompletelyadamantaboutnoteatinggluten.Thismeansyouhavetospeakup,clearlyandloudly,whennecessary. Imaynotbegreat at it now,but I’mgetting there.You shouldmakeityourgoaltobemuch,muchbetterthanme.

One way people try to negotiate a restaurant successfully is to exaggerate theirsymptoms when dining out, just to make sure the staff is taking their dietary needsseriously. Iwouldnever tellsomeoneImightgo intoanaphylacticshock if Igetevenaspeckofglutenonmyplate,but ifyou’vegot thenervesofsteel todo it,well, Iwon’tstop you.Your spouse and/or friendsmay be another story. Let’s not forgot thosewhohavetodinewithus,shallwe?

ThisiswhereIpraisemyhusbandforalwayshavingmyback.OnthosenightsoutwhenallIwanttodoisdrainmycocktailanddigintoaplatefullofyum,he’llmakesuretherestaurantstaffunderstandsthatI’m“special.”Sure,maybehe’sdoingittomakefunofme,butI’malsoprettysurehe’sdoingitbecausea)helovesmeandb)afteranightouthedoesn’twanttobetheonlyoneabletowakeupandtakecareofthechildrenthenextmorning.Youneedoneof thoseadvocatesforyourhealth.Getone,anddiningoutwillbecome less strenuous because you can spread the information-sharing responsibilitiesaroundabit.

Let’sTalkAboutCross-Contamination,RestaurantEdition

Agirl’sgottaeat.Soalthoughcross-contaminationmightnotdestroyyouinthemoment,itcancausedamagetoyourgutevenifyou’renotfeelingexplosiveinyourpants.You’llfind out if you are sensitive to cross-contamination in a restaurant in the obviouswaysvery, very quickly. It might take an endoscopy, however, to discover if that cross-contaminationiscausingyouseriousharminyourintestines.

Althoughyou should try to avoid cross-contamination at all costs, if you’rediningoutatarestaurantthatservesgluten,anddoesnotspecificallyhaveapolicyinplaceaboutkeepingallprepareasseparate,youareatriskforcross-contamination.Doyourresearchbeforeyouheadouttoseeiftherestauranthasanunderstandingofglutenandhowglutencross-contamination can happen. You’ll find out quickly if the restaurant you want tothrowa loadof cash at has the first clue aboutyour situation.Yes, even if theyoffer a

gluten-freemenu. Itworks like this:You order the gluten-free pizza. Even if the pizzacrusthasbeenkeptfarawayfromglutenysurfaces,thetoppingsmaybelollingaboutwithothergluten-filledfoods.Evenif theyuseacleanpizzastoneorbaking tray,maybe theslicer, spatula, or other kitchen tool isworking double duty. Say youorder a salad; thevegetablescouldhavebeencutonasurfacewherebreadwasalsosliced.Enjoyingahunkofmeatwithnogluten?Ofcourseyouare!Let’sjusthopeitdidn’thangoutnexttothebreadedchickencutlets.

Youmaythinktheseexamplessoundextreme.Like,seriously,areyougoingtogetsick because your salad was served with a slice of bread, which the waiter promptlyremovedandyou totallydidn’teat thepieceof lettuce itwas layingacross?Youmight.Glutenissodamnstickythatitcanglomontoanysurfaceandthenstickontoyourpure,gluten-freefood.AlthoughImayhavebeenabletogetoutofadinnerdatewhenglutenwasservedupbythebucketfulwithnoilleffect,youmaynot.Also,Iwasn’tsoluckythesecondtime.

As someone who loves dining out, loves food, and hates being told “no,” let meassureyouthatIdonotletthiscross-contaminationissuekeepmefromthelatestgourmethotdogrestaurantopening.ButIhavepaidforthatenthusiasm.Ifyoudon’twanttoputyourselfatanyriskatall,sticktothesafespotsandeatathome.Youdon’thavetobeahero.Afterall,thereareplentyofwaysyoucanaccidentallyingestglutenwithoutservingyourselfuptoawaitstaffthatiseitheruneducatedorunconcerned.

SoWhenDoIHavetoGetCrazyandDemandtoSeetheKitchen?

Admittedlyittakesalottogetmetoputdowntheforkandleavearestaurant.Likeafatmouserunningacrossmyfoot,foratotallytrueexample.Therecomesatime,however,whengluten-freepeoplemustturntailandrun.Mytimewentsomethinglikethis:Iwasinvited to a food event, which will remain nameless. The idea was I would be superimpressedbywhat theyhadtoshowme(andotherfoodwriters)andgohomeandsingpraises to the awesomeness of the food. Although much food was presented that wasdeliciousandgluten-free,whenitcametimeforustodine,itwasallgluten,allthetime.Uponrealizingthesituation, themanwhoinvitedmewasmortified.Hisboss,however,lookedatmelikeIhadjusttakenadumpinthemiddleofthediningroomtable.WhichIcouldhavedone, incidentally,had I takenheradvice to“Just eat it anyway.”Being thepoliteceliacIam,Iofferedaquickandeasysolutionofmyjustrunningoutandgettingagluten-freeitembecauseyouknow,I’dtotallyseenthemonthetour.Thebossladywasnothavingit.Quitefrankly,mygluten-freenesshadgreatlyoffendedher,andshewasnotabouttogooutofherway(whichwouldhavetaken,like,oneminute)toprovidemewithfoodthatwassafeformetoeat.That’swhenyouhavetodemandaccesstothekitchenandhoveroveryourdisheverystepoftheway,orleave.Iwouldsuggestleaving.

Thesadthingis,thiswillhappentoyou.It’sonlyhappenedtomeoncewithsomuchrudeness,andthenonemoretimewithjusttotalincompetence.Iprefertheincompetence,and so should you. At least then you can pity the fool. Your body doesn’t know the

differencebetweenincompetenceandevil, though,so it’s justgoing tofeel likecrapnomatterwhat.Treatyourselfgently,andremembertomorrowisanothergluten-freeday.

You don’t want to eat where anyone—wait staff, chefs, or even the hostess—ishostile.Beforeyouweregluten-free,youcouldprobablynavigatea shitty situation likethis and call it an off night. Now you’ve got to abort the mission. Your health is tooimportanttoleaveinthehandsofsomeonewhoisalreadymadatyouforsimplyexisting,so get out before you’re poisoned. I wouldn’t be doing my job, however, if I did notprovideyouwithotheroptionswhenyourdiningoutexperiencegoeswrong,andfast.

Insteadof leaving ina cloudofmisplacedhumiliation,whynot try theseperfectlyreasonableoptions:

•Whileordering,godowntheentiremenupointingateachoptionasking,“Doesthishavegluteninit?Whataboutthisone?Andthis?”

• Announce that you’re scouting out the restaurant for your client, Mr.Clooney,whohasahorrible,secretglutenallergy.

•Askfortherestaurant’sattorney’scontactinformation,“justincase.”

•Handthewaiteryour“DoNotResuscitate”order,also“justincase.”

•When your dinner is served, take a bite, scream loudly while clutchingyourthroat,andfalltotheground.Repeat.

•Excuseyourselftotherestroomwhenyourserverbringsthecheck.Stayinthereuntilclosingtime.

•Or,youknow,justleave.

You guys, I really don’t want to discourage you to dine out. After all, if you’recookingforyourselfallthedamntime,thosedishesaregoingtomakeyouloseitfasterthan massive diarrhea and brain fog ever will. You do have to be vocal, never makeassumptions,andbewillingtogobatshitcrazyand/orleaveontherare(very,very,veryrare—Ipromise!)occasion.Butdon’tworrytoomuch;afterall,there’salwaysthebooze.

Gluten-FreeBooze

In spite ofwhat youmay have been told by the Internet,most alcoholic beverages areactuallygluten-free.Notbeer,exceptforthatgluten-freekind,andnotmaltliquor.SoputawayyourZima,andpickupthesedelightfulliquorsinstead.

•Wine

•Vodka

•Gin

•Scotch

•Ryewhiskey

•Bourbon

•Regularwhiskey

•Rum(darkandlight)

•Vermouth

•Tequila

•Brandy

•Port

•Bitters

•Everclear

•Cider

Additionally,thelatestpolicyonlabelingforglutenbytheAlcoholandTobaccoTaxandTradeBureauexcludesanyalcoholthatoriginallywasmadewithwheat,barley,rye,ortriticalebutdistilledtoremovethegluten.Therefore,theseitemswouldnotbelabeledasgluten-free.Thiscoverswhiskey,rye,somevodkas,andevenahandfulofgluten-freebeers.Ofcourse,theFDAisstillworkingontheirrules,andtheymaybetotallywillingtooverlook this decision. If someone removed the gluten from my cocktail, that’s goodenoughformydietitianandme.Bottomsup!

Nowasyouhustleuptothebarandorderyourdryginmartini,rememberthataddingstufftoyourdrinksisOK,solongasthatstuffisnotgluten.Therearen’tawholelotoffoodstuffs hangingout at thebar that containgluten, but there are a few trickyones towatchoutforwhenyouneedtoquenchthatthirst.Here’salist.

•Barsnacks(evennuts—somearecoveredinaglazeofgluten)

•Flavoredliquors—sticktothestraightstuff,andflavorwithnaturaljuices

•Hardlemonade

•SmirnoffIce

•Beercocktails(Michelada,Shandy,BlackVelvet)

•Winecoolers

Weknowyoudon’t reallydrinkwinecoolersanymorenowthatyou’renot inhighschool, but just in case, you should know wine coolers totally have gluten. Bartles &Jaymesdon’tlooksoinnocentanymore,nowdothey?

Althoughyoumaybegintoacquireareputation,knowthatyoucanalwayshangoutat a dinner party just drinking booze. Occasionally slipping into the bathroom to eatalmondsoutofyourbagistotallyappropriateifnoonehasprovidedgluten-freefoodforyou.Totallyappropriate,andpotentiallyaddingtoyour“reputation.”

Here’s somegoodnews.There are a few food items that actually taste betterwhen theglutenhasbeenremoved.Iknow!Weweretotallyexcitedtomakethisdiscoveryaswell.Getready—here’swhatyouwillenjoyevenmoreinitsgluten-freeform:

Pretzels

Bagelchips

Pizzacrust*

Yep,that’sit.*Myhusbandmademeaddthatbecauseheinsistsgluten-freepizzacrustisbetterthanthenorm.Itotallydisagree,butifsomeonewhoisabletoeatglutensaysso,Ihavetoprintit.

Nothing.Buthere’s the thing.Onceyougogluten-free,youget thrown into thatwholealternativelifestylecrowd.No,notswingers—which,quitefrankly,wouldbe farmorewelcome than everyonewho insists I should give up goat cheese

whileI’matit—butthevegans.Andontheotherendofthespectrumyou’vegotthepaleodiet crew. You know, those meat-eating savages who probably pick their teeth withmastodonbones.Elsewhereyou’vegottokeepaneyeoutforthedairy-free,thenut-free,andthetrans-fatfree—they’reallcomingafteryou.Mostlybecauseyoushopinthesameplacenow,plusyouseemweak fromallof thatweight loss. I’vemetmorevegansandpaleosinthepasttwoyearsthanaspiringactorsinHollywood.I’mnotevenkidding.Assomeonewhoused to turnmynoseupat thevegancupcakes inmylocalgourmetfoodshop, I feel Inowhave toapologize for suchsnobberyor I amat riskofoffendingmynew-found friends.Also, Iprobablyeatmorevegandoughnuts than theaveragegal, soI’vefinallylearnedthelessonfrommychildhoodabout“Tryit,you’ll likeit!”Iwould,however,liketomakeapointaboutnotgivingintothetrend.Anytrend.

As thenumberofvegans andpaleosgrowandgrow, sodo thegluten-free.Weallhaveourreasonsforhoppingononeormoreofthesewagontrains,andforthemostpartpeopleknowwhatthey’redoingandgointoitwiththebestofintentions.Orareforcedintoitandhavezerointentionofkeepingwithitassoonassomeonetellsthemtheydon’thave to eat brown rice crackers anymore. It is not to you people that I address theforthcomingrant.It’syouotherpeople:thediethoppers.(Pleaseprepareyour“You’rejustjealous”retort,’cuzitistotallytrue.I’mhellajealous.)

Givingupglutenbecauseyouhavetoisfardifferentthanchoosingafaddietbecauseyouwanttotweet,Instagram,andFacebookyourfantasticdinnerthat’smadefrommonkswhodon’tevenhaveawordforgluten.AlthoughItakenoissuewithfaddietersperse,Idoresentbeinglumpedinwithpeoplewhoare“tryingtogiveupgluten”simplybecauseIdon’twanttobehere.Sure,Imakejokesaboutgluten-freethis,andpoopingthat,butyouknowwhat?IwishI’dneverheardofceliac.There,Isaidit.

I’mnotonanoblemissionherewiththisgluten-freebusiness,I’mjusttryingnottocrywhenI thinkaboutall thethingsIcannothaveanymore.I’mtryingnot tofreakoutabouttheincreasedpossibilityofotherrandomdiseasesandmychancesofhavingtoalsogiveupdairy.EverydaythatI’mnottotallylockedupinmyhousewithafullystocked

pantry and refrigerator is a day that I risk getting sick and/or going hungry. In spite ofwhatImightsayinthisbookandinmixedcompany,thisisnotnearlyasfunasabarrelofmonkeys. Idon’t think it’scoolwhenIhave toannounce that I’mgluten-free; in fact, Ifeellikeatotaljackass99.9percentofthetime.Youguys,therearepeopleI’vemetsincemy diagnosiswho simply refer tome as “Gluten.” I tell ya, I’dmuch rather be called“Toots”because thatname implies that I’m just a ladyofquestionable character, ratherthanonewithspecialdietaryneeds.Mostpeoplefindthatmoreacceptable.

Youknowhowyoucantellthedifferencebetweensomeonewhodoessomethingforhealth reasons rather than hipster reasons? Those of us who have to restrict our dietannounce itwith shame rather than glee. I justwishwaiters, casual acquaintances, andjudgmentalrelativescouldtellthedifference.

Goinggluten-freeisnotawayformetoloseweight,orawayformetolordmyfoodsuperiorityoverothers,andespeciallynotawayformetolookhip.Ifthat’swhatitisforyou—goodforyou,Iguess.It’stotallytruethatyou’rehelpingtospreadawareness,ifnotannoyance,andforthatIsupposeIshouldthankyou.Sothanksforlettingeveryoneknowthat there’s something called a “gluten-free diet.” Yourwork is done here; now pleasemoveon.

Pleasenote that I amnot suggesting thoseof youwhogogluten-freebecauseyoutrulybelieveitwillhelpwithphysicalailmentsareofthe“trendy”type.Anyoneherewhois giving up gluten out of concern for their health is firmly in the same boat as thediagnosedceliac: thegluten-freeboatonitswaytoDeprivationIsland.Let’smeet thoseothersalreadyontheisland,shallwe?Perhapsthey’llsharetheircoconuts.

I bringup thevegans and thepaleosbecause in spite of their dramatic differencesbetweeneachother,wegluten-freetypeshaveakinshipwithboth.Whenyoumeetthem,youwill both smile and look each other in the eye and just know. There is somethingextremely appealing about these other peoplewho bug the hell out of friends planningdinnerparties,andyou’regoingtoenjoythecompanyofthesimilarlyfated.Youshouldstill beware of joining any food cults, but hey, these are (mostly) nice people. Theextremely food conscious honestly feel if you’re going g-free, why not cut out otherpotentialallergensorirritantsandbeashealthyasyoucanbe.Igetit.Iaspiretobeoneofthosepeople,butI’mweakandfromOklahoma.Also,I’mmiserableenoughwithoutthegluten,thankyouverymuch.AlthoughI’mnotthereyet,let’ssayyouare.I’vegotsometips and tricks for convincing yourself that you’re still a “normal” even if you go farafield.

“ButApril,”yousay,“paleoisallaboutchowingdownonmeat,andvegansareallaboutbeingnicetoanimals.Howcouldthesebothbebedfellowstotheglutenintolerant?And what is this CrossFit you talk of as well?” I know you’re all very excited aboutCrossFit,butlet’stalkfoodforaminute.Firstup,thevegancrowd.

MeettheVegans

Vegansfollowadietthatisabsentofanyanimalproducts.It’snotjustmeat(whichwouldbevegetarian),it’salsodairy.Someveganschoosethisasalifestyleratherthansimplya

healthywaytoeatandgoallthewaybynotwearingorusinganyanimalproducts(akaleather)aswell.Ittrulyisamoralpathforthosewhobelieveanimalshavenoplacebeingused forhumanconsumption, inany fashion.Nope,notevenbutter.Somepeople—andagain,IwishIwerethosepeople—simplywanttofeelliketheirconscienceisclearwhenthey eat a cookie. They make the choice to eat vegan because it’s also cruelty-free.Absolutely no animals are involved in that dinner. Others just want to get onwith themilkingof thecow.Nojudgmentsonwhichcategoryyoufindyourself inonanygivenday.

Althoughgluteniscertainlyanimal-free,andthereforeastapleofthevegandiet,youfrequentlyfindgluten-freeanddairy-freelumpedtogether,andalmostalwaysthe“vegan”labelgets taggedonbecause it is, infact,aveganproduct.Youwill find theseproductsquitealotbecauseyou’reheadingtoahealthfood–typestoretobuyyourwackygluten-free flours, and these folks specialize in nontraditional (read: non-Western, non–DairyQueen–like)foods.Youknowit’sgoingtobechallengingtogetmilletflourinyourlocalPigglyWiggly,buttheWholeFoodswillhavebothanorganicandnonorganicversionofthat stuff. Shopping at storeswhere people are hyperconscious about the ingredients ineverybitofyour food iswhereyou’reatnow.Youmaynot like it,butyou’regoing tohavetolearntoembraceyourotherness,andtrynottojudgethosearoundyouwhothinkdairyisanevenmorehorribleenemythanthedevilgluten.

Youmayalsobeshocked todiscover thedairyhasbeen removedfromyourstore-bought bread and cookies along with the gluten. These processed gluten-free foodssometimestakethetripallthewaytovegan.Myguessismakersdecideonceyoumakethe effort and spend the cash to remove all gluten fromyour food processing,whynotremovedairyaswell?Additionally thedemandforgluten-free isnotas largeasgluten-filled,justasthedemandfordairy-freeisnotaslargeasthosewhodemandthedairy.Soyou can increase your audience by preparing food for twodietary types,with only oneproduct. Makes sense from a production point of view and is super helpful for thosepeoplewhogoallgluten-anddairy-freeatthesametime.

PersonallyI’dlovesomebutterinmygluten-freecake,butIgetwhythisiscommonpractice.I’malsoguessingthelactoseintolerantandvegansmiss theirnormalflourandaregettingabittiredofthatchickpeaimposteraswell.Oncewe’reallchowingdownonvegan,gluten-freedoughnuts,however,wesing“Kumbaya”inharmonyandgoaboutthebusinessofnotthrowingupourtastytreats.It’sareallypowerfulbondingexperiencethatcanbehadinnontraditionalbakeriesallacrossNorthAmerica.

There’s onemore thing about the gluten intolerant and vegan connection that I’mloathtomention.Apparentlymanyofustendtodevelopalittledairyproblemintandemwithourglutenproblem.I’mpretendingIneverheardthat,butsomepoorsoulsarejustincrediblyunlucky.Also,dairycanbedifficulttodigest(again,lalalala,Ican’thearyou!),soonceyou’realljackedupontheinside,coolingitonthedairymightbeagoodidea.

EventhoughIpretendtoignoreanynegativityaboutmymilkproducts,Idoliketopayattentiontothatdairy-freeadviceaboutonceaquarter.WhichiswhyIhappentohaveafewamazinggluten-freeanddiary-freerecipesupmysleeve!Sincewemayaswellskipthe meat, I just call these recipes “vegan” and pretend I’m one of those. Why not? Ipretendedtobegothincollege,andthatwasawesome.

Try these gluten-free, vegan, delicious recipes to sooth your aching belly, andconscience.

CelebrityCeliacsSometimes you just want to feel like you’re part of an elite club, like left-handers orundiagnosed anemics who might really be vampires. For your reading and relatingpleasure,herearesomeveryfamousceliacs:

CedricBenson

MegCabot

ZooeyDeschanel

JenniferEsposito

SusieEssman

ElisabethHasselbeck

DeanMcDermott

KeithOlbermann

RyanPhillippe

EmmyRossum

DanaVollmer

SarahVowell

DeborahAnnWoll

Undiagnosed,ButI’mTotallySuspicious

CarrotTop*

PresidentJohnF.Kennedy*All right, I have no idea what is wrong with Carrot Top. But my guess is as good as anyone’s, and I say it hassomethingtodowithgastrointestinaldistress.

Deep-FriedBroccoli&BlackBeanSauce,àlaNo.7

I used to live right down the street frommy favoriteBrooklyn restaurant,No. 7. Iwasactually thankful we moved after I was diagnosed with celiac because I would crythinkingabouthowIwouldneveragainenjoytheiramazingdeep-friedbroccoliwithbeansauce.ThenIwokeupandrealizedIcouldmakeitmyowndamnself.Voilà!

Youdoneedadeepfryertomakethisrecipeasuccess,butifyoudon’thaveoneyoucan always grab your deepest skillet, fill it upwith vegetable oil, and turn the broccoliuntil it’scookedonallsides.Again, ifyouuseaseasonedall-purposegluten-freeflour,thenyoucanskipthesalt,pepper,andcoriander.

Preptime:20minutesCooktime:35minutes

Makes:4servings

INGREDIENTSFortheBeanSauce:1tablespoonoliveoil

2clovesgarlic,minced

1shallot,minced

⅛cupwhitewine

⅛cupsherry

1½cupsblackbeans

1cupvegetablebroth

2teaspoonshotsauce

1teaspoonseasalt

1teaspoonpepper

FortheBroccoli:1teaspoonhotsauce

1teaspoonfineseasalt

2teaspoonsblackpepper

1teaspoongroundcoriander

2cupsall-purposegluten-freeflour

1headbroccoli

6cupsvegetableoil,forfrying

1.Makethebeansauce:InaDutchovenovermediumheat,heattheoil.Addthegarlicandshallotandsautéuntiltranslucent.

2.Addthewine,sherry,beans,andbroth,andsimmerfor10minutes.Removefromtheheat.

3. Using an immersion blender, blend the mixture until smooth. (Be careful! It’s hot.)ReturntheDutchoventothestove,reducetheheattomedium-low,andaddthehotsauce,salt,andpepper.Cookuntilthick,about15minutes.

4.Removethebeansaucefromtheheatandsetaside.

5.Makethebroccoli:Combine½cupofwater,thehotsauce,salt,pepper,coriander,andgluten-free flour, andmixwell.Completely submerge the entireheadofbroccoli in thebatter.Allowthebroccolitositinthebatterforatleast10minutes,turningittwice,untilallofthefloretsarecoatedfromstemtoflower.

6.Placetheoilinadeepfryerandbringtotemperature.

7.Completelysubmergethebroccoliintheoilandfryuntilacrustforms,7to10minutes.

8.Removethebroccolifromtheoilwithtongs,andplaceitonapapertowel–linedplatetosoakupexcessoil.Serveimmediately,withtheblackbeansauceontheside.

PecanSandies

OneofthefirstrecipesImasteredasayoung4-H-er,thisrecipeisinmyfamilycookbookunder“April.”Woo-hoo!Imadeit into thefamilyrecipebook.Itwasrelativelyeasytoveganifythisrecipebecausenoeggsarerequired.Itstillturnsouttobeadelicious,light,sugarymessofacookie.

Preptime:10minutes+4hourschillingtimeCooktime:20minutes

Makes:25cookies

INGREDIENTS1cup(2sticks)EarthBalanceVeganButter

⅓cupsugar

2½teaspoonsvanillaextract

2cupsall-purposegluten-freeflour

1cuppecans,finelychopped

⅓cupconfectioners’sugar

1.Using ahandmixer, cream theEarthBalance and sugar together in amediumbowl.Scrapedownthesidesofthebowl,andadd2teaspoonsofwaterandthevanilla.

2. Beat in the gluten-free flour. Scrape down the sides of the bowl again and add thepecans.Stirtocombine.

3.Coverthebowlwithplasticwrapandplaceintherefrigeratorfor4hours.

4. Preheat the oven to 325°F. Roll the dough into 1½-inch balls and place them on anungreasedcookiesheet,½inchapart.

5. Bake for 20 minutes. Allow the cookies to cool slightly, then roll them in theconfectioners’sugar.

SpicyChocolateChipCoconutIceCream

Believe it or not, vegans can totally enjoy ice cream. After some experimentation, Idiscoveredthatcoconutmilkgivestherichesttexturewhenmakingveganicecream.Forthis recipe, I also use Theo chipotle spice drinking chocolate, because it is vegan and,quitefrankly,amazing.

Ifyouhaveanicecreammachine,youcaneasilywhipupveganicecreamwheneveryoulike.Ihighlyrecommendthatyoudo.

Makes:12servings

INGREDIENTS2(14-ounce)canscoconutmilk

⅔cupdrinkingchocolatewithchocolatechunks

⅓cupsugar

1teaspoonvanillaextract

¼teaspoonseasalt

1. In amediumbowl,whisk all the ingredients together.Transfer themixture to an icecreammaker,andfollowthemanufacturer’sdirectionstoprocessitintoanicecream.

2.Transfertheicecreamtoasealable,freezer-safebowl.

VersatileQuinoaSalad

Youdidn’tthinkyouweregettingoutofherewithoutaquinoarecipe,didyou?Let’sfaceit, quinoa is your new best friend if you’re vegan, or just gluten-free. If you have thissalad-likedish inyourbackpocket,youwillneverbehungry,andyouwillalways feelsuperiorforknowinghowtomakequinoaadozendifferentways.

Althoughweliketogowithkale,lentils,andshallot,youcanaddwhateveryouliketo themix.Corn, red onion, and quinoa are totally delicious, as is broccoli and quinoawithalemondressing.Here’smyfamily’sgo-toquinoasalad;pleasemakeityourown.

Preptime:15minutesCooktime:20minutes

Makes:10servings

INGREDIENTSFortheQuinoa:1cupquinoa

2tablespoonsoliveoil

1shallot,chopped

1garlicclove,minced

1headkale,deveinedandroughlychopped

2cupscookedlentils

Salt

Freshlygroundblackpepper

FortheDressing:2tablespoonswheat-freetamari

1tablespoonsesameoil

4tablespoonsorangejuice

1tablespoonricewinevinegar

Garlicclove,smashed,skindiscarded

Salt

Freshlygroundblackpepper

3greenonions,finelychopped

1. Bring 1½ cups ofwater to a boil in amedium saucepan.Add the quinoa and cook,covered, over lowheat for 10 to 15minutes, or until thewater has been absorbed. Setaside.

2.Inamediumsaucepanovermediumheat,heattheoliveoil.Addtheshal-lotandgarlic

andsautéuntiltranslucent.Addthekaleandcookuntiltender,about3minutes.

3.Addthequinoaandlentilstotheskilletandheatthoroughly.Removefromtheheatandseasonwithsaltandpeppertotaste.

4.Makethedressing:Inacruetormasonjarwithalid,combinethedressingingredientsandshakewell.Seasonwithsaltandpeppertotaste.

5.Transferthequinoamixturetoaservingbowlandtopwithgreenonionsanddressing.

WhatUp,Paleo?

Perhapsyou’remoreofacarnivoroustrendytype.Thenthepaleodietistotallyforyou.ThisancientstyleofeatingislessCaptainCavemanandmorebasedonevolution.Afterall,people’sgutswereprobablyabitshockedat thatwholeagriculturalrevolutionthingwhen food started appearing all ground up from plants that were considered “weeds”before.Hell,mygutisshockedeverytimeIdrinkthatPOMjuice.Althoughgoingveganmay seem to eliminate foods from the diet, paleo ismore about a very specific list ofapproved foods going down your gullet. Foods such as grass-fedmeat, fresh fruits andvegetables,nuts,andseafoodareonthelist.Anythingprocessed,suchasgrains(gluten!),refined sugars, certain vegetable oils, beans, potatoes, and my good friend—dairy—isforbidden.Wow,trendypeoplereallylovetohateondairy,don’tthey?Poordairy.

Tofollowastrictpaleodiet,youonlyeatthefoodsthatwould(probably)havebeenavailable during thePaleolithic era.Removinggrains, refined andprocessed foods, anddairyistoeatlikeourancestorsinsteadofforcingourbodiestoadapttoourother,morerecentancestorswholearnedhowtomesswiththings.I’mhalfwaybetweenbuyingthishook,line,andsinker,andbetweenwonderingwhatgoodweare,ashumans,ifwedon’tadapt.Still,Iknowpeoplewhoswearbythis,andtheirphysicalseveryyearbackitup.

Likeanymovement,different leadersofpaleoeatinghavedifferent theories.Somesayyoushouldonlyeatleanmeatsbecausetoday’smeatsaremuchmorefattythanthosedaysofyore.Otherssaytoeatthatmeatfatbecauseit’snotdairyfat,andthereforegoodforyou.Someevensaytuberslikepotatoesaretotallycool.Youwillseeonthethousandsofwebsitesthathavecroppedupthatpaleocanbestretchedtoincludethingslikegluten-free,dairy-freechocolatechipsandalmondflour.Ithinkwecanbeprettyconfidentthatcavemenandwomenweren’tenjoyingchocolatechipcookies,buthey,we’veevolved.

My takeaway from trying paleo is this: Don’t eat processed foods.When you eatmeat,makesureit’sgrass-fedandorganic.Yes,thereisabitmoretoit—likethepotatoandbeanthing—but ifyoufindyourselfconfusedbythefact thatyoucan’teatriceyetyou can drink agave syrup, keep it simple. Although here’s the biggest bummer abouteatingpaleo:Youcansaygoodbyetotaconight.

Who’shungryforsomemeat?Rightthiswaytopaleodining.Remember,anymeatshouldbegrass-fed, antibiotic-free, andorganic.Goorganicon fruits andvegetables aswell,ifpossible.Eatup,youNeanderthals.

PistachioPesto-StuffedPorkChop

Nothingsaysoldschoollikefancypesto.Stuffyourgobwiththisdelight,andbaskinthepraiseofthemeat-eatingfoodies.

Preptime:10minutesCooktime:45minutes

Makes:2porkchops

INGREDIENTS2organicporkchops,1½inchthick

1cupplus1tablespoonoliveoil,divided

½cuppistachios,shelled

5garliccloves

3cupsbasil,roughlychopped

½teaspoonseasalt

1teaspoonblackpeppercorns

1.Preheattheovento350°F.Withasharpknife,cuteachporkchopinhalfhorizontally,butstop1inchawayfromend,creatingapouchintheporkchop.

2.Inaskilletovermediumheat,heat1tablespoonoftheoliveoil.Browntheporkchopsforaminuteortwooneachside.Setaside.

3.Inamortarandpestleorthebowlofafoodprocesser,combinethepistachios,garlic,basil, salt, andpepper.Beatorprocessuntilwellcombinedbutnotground intoapaste.Transferthemixturetoabowl,addtheremainingoliveoil,andmixwell.

4.Usingaspoon,stuffeachporkchopwiththepestomixture.Transfertheporkchopstoabakingsheet,andbakefor35minutes.

5.Turnonthebroiler, thenallowporkchopstobroilfor5moreminutes.Removefromovenandserve.

CoconutOil-RoastedChicken&SpringVegetables

Ifyou’retrulycommittedtopaleo,you’lljustgrabafree-rangeorganicchickenandbiteintoitsneck.But thiswayismuch,muchtastier. It’salsotruethatweallneedtoknowhowtoroastachicken.Youcanmakethatroastedchickenintoseveralmeals,andnotfeelpanickyaboutthelackofgluten-freefoodinyourhouse.Go,chicken!

Preptime:15minutesCooktime:90minutes

Makes:8servings

INGREDIENTS1(5-pound)organicroastingchicken

Coconutoil

6garliccloves

1lemon,quartered

3cupsorganicchickenstock

1onion,chopped

2bulbsoffennel,chopped

4carrots,quartered

1bunchasparagus,endstrimmed

Salt

Freshlygroundblackpepper

1.Preheattheovento400°F.

2. Coat chicken skin, on top aswell as underneath,with coconut oil.Dice 3 cloves ofgarlic and distribute the diced garlic underneath the chicken skin. Place the remainingwholegarlicclovesandquarteredlemoninsidethechickencavity.Pourthechickenstockinto a roasting pan and cover the bottomof the panwith the chopped onion. Place thechickeninthepan.

3.Roast thechicken forabout90minutes, flipping itupsidedownhalfway through thecookingtime.Bastethechickenperiodicallywithchickenstock.Addwatertothepanifnecessary,tokeepitfromscorching.

4. Place the fennel, carrots, and asparagus on a large baking sheet and cover with 1½tablespoonsofcoconutoil.Seasonlightlywithsaltandpepper.Addasplashofchickenstockforflavor,ifdesired.Placethevegetablesintheovenwiththechickenandroastfor40minutes.

5.Usingameatthermometer,checktheinternaltemperatureofthechicken;thechickenisdonecookingwhenthetemperaturehasreached165°F.

6.Allowthechickentorestfor10minutes,thenservewiththeroastedvegetables.

AlmondCoconutBar

Thank god for honey! It’s one of the approved sweet things a paleo person can eat (inmoderation),soyoushouldthrowthatalloveryourtreats.AlthoughI’mprettyconfidentthemenandwomenofthePaleolithiceradidnotenjoythesebarsaftertheirworkout,youcan!

Preptime:10minutesCooktime:20minutes

Makes:8bars

INGREDIENTS1cupalmonds,choppedorslivered

½cupcoconutflakes

¼cupalmondbutter

¼cuporganichoney

1.Preheattheovento400°F.

2.Inamediumbowl,combinetheingredientsandmixuntilcompletelymoistened.Pourthemixture intoawaxpaper–lined6-by-6-inchsquarepan.Usinganotherpieceofwaxpaper, flatten themixture to a thicknessof½ inch.Remove the top layerofwaxpaperwhenmixtureisevenlydistributedinpan.

3. Bake for 20minutes. Remove from oven and allow to cool for at least 20minutesbeforeslicinginto8bars.

Here’sthebottomlineontrends:Idon’tknowwhichdietisgoingtoworkbetterforyourbody.Andifyou’rejusttryingtobetrendy,maybeyoushouldtalktoanutritionistand/ortherapistaboutwhatyourbodyandmindneed,ratherthansimplygrabbingontothelatestthingMileyCyrus tweeted.There isnothingwrongwithchoosinganalternativewayofeating,andifyou’regoingforalifestylechangeforthebetter,thesetwodietsarecertainlynot bad. Somewould argue they are two of the healthiestways to eat, in fact.How todecidewhichwaytogo?Veganismhasthatwhole“wedon’thurtanimals”thinggoingforit,which isquiteadorable.Yet thepaleopeopleareall, like,“It’sevolution,dummies.”I’mjusttryingtofigureouthowtobegluten-freewithoutlosingmyever-lovingmind,soI’mgoingtohavetoputtheseotherdecisionsonice.Iwould,however,verymuchenjoyacagematchbetweenaveganandapaleotypeintheeventthatIneedtomakeadecisionabout either of these diets at some point in the future. That would be the best way todecide,right?Paleos,you’dbetterwatchoutbecauseyouknowthosevegansaresecretlyvicious.

Oh,andthatwholeCrossFitsomethingisjustbonkers.Don’teventhinkaboutit.It’slike fifth-gradegymclass for adultswhohavebeenhoning their competitivedodgeballskillsforthirtyyears.You’regoingtogethurt,andit’sprobablynotevengluten-free.

I t’spossibleyou’vecomehereforhelpbecauseoneormoreofyouroffspringisbeingforcedtogogluten-free.Ifso,thankyouforreading,andIamso,so,so,sosorry.Asamothertooneofthose“Ionlyeatwhite”kids,Iprayeverydaythatlittledudedoes

notdevelopglutensensitivity.Becauseyouknowwhat’swhite?Gluten.It’stoughenoughfor an adult to follow a gluten-free diet, but for a kid who just wants to eat crackers(toddler),orfitin(adolescence),orgethisbeerbongon(ummm,college?Juniorhigh?),it’sahugedrag.You,astheparent,havetobeevenmoreofapainintheassthanusualtomakesureyourkiddoisn’tpoisoninghimself/herselfeverysingleday.Thisoneistoughandcompletelyunfair foryour futurekegpartyattendee.Even though in thebeginningyoucansomewhatcontrolyourchild’sfood,itwillgetworse.Negotiatingplaydateswillseem like awheat-free cakewalk once your child hits prom age. I know. Again, pleaseaccept my condolences on your bumpy ride into raising this sensitive child withoutconstantlybeingworriedaboutwhathe’sshoving inhisbelly.Hey,at leasthe’snot thetreenutkid.

No, itwon’t be easy, but I can do you a solid and help you raise those kids untilthey’readultsandtheyfinallyrealizethatpoopingintheirpantsisnotcute,andsothey’dbetterskipthatpizzaparty.Eventhough(sofarthankyougod)mykidsarenotintheceliaccamp,Istilltrytofeedthemmostlygluten-free,whichiswhyI’mbecominganexpertinthegluten-free-snacks-for-kidsbusiness.Icanassureyouthereisnoshortageofpackagedgluten-free cookies, crackers, and other goodies marketed directly to kids, some a farbetter fit intoahealthy,gluten-freediet thanothers. In fact, Icouldmakemyownkidsgluten-free if Iwanted to.See,kids?Don’t forget thisactofgenerositywhenI losemymindandyou’renursinghomeshopping.Also,don’t thinkIdidn’tseeyouwaving thatbagelbehindmyback.

Ihavemyownstrugglesbeingagluten-freemom to twogluten-lovingkids.EventhoughIattempt tokeepmostof theglutenoutofmyhome,Idohave toallowfor theoccasionalglutenslippage.Althoughtobeperfectlyclear:Ifitwereeasieronmetokeepa 100 percent gluten-free home, I would do it. Inmy current situationwith two smallchildren—oneofwhom ispickyasallgetout, theotherofwhomhas tohaveakosherlunchpackedeveryschoolday—mylifeiseasierfillinguptheirlittlebellieswithbreadtheywilleatratherthancomplainabout.It’snotthatIlikehavingtostepawayfromtheir

tiny,glutenyhandswhentheyjustwantahugafterlunch.Anddoyouknowhowharditistoavoidakidwithbirthdaycakealloverherfacewhenyou’retryingtodragherintothecarandawayfromthepartythathasgoneonwaytoolong,andquitefranklyhasnothingfor the gluten-free me to eat or drink? Of course you do because you’re at that sameindoorplayspacefightingforyourkid’shealth.Canwejustagreethat thosepartiesarethefreakingworst?

Thegoodnewsis,I’vetrainedmykidstosniffoutgluten,andthey’vebecomequiteprotective of theirmother.Although thismost likelywill only last another three to sixyearsbeforetheystartusingittotheireviladvantage(Wanttotakethecarout?SlipMomsomegluten!), right now it’s adorable to hearmykiddos ask, “Is there gluten in that?”whenwe’reout.Ithastheaddedadvantageofmakingthemseemwisebeyondtheiryearsand/orliketotallypretentiousCaliforniakids.Iliketothinkit’stheformer.Youcandothesameforyourceliacandgluten-intolerantkids!Kidspickupeverythingsuperfastandcanadaptinamuchsmootherfashionthanusmucholderfolks.Yourgluten-freekidwillbestandingupforherself innotimeandorderinggluten-freeoffaregularmenu.Butfirst,you’vegottositdownthatlittlebellyacherandexplainwhattheheckisgoingoninthere,anyway.

Gluten-FreeCall&ResponseYou’renotahelicopterparentwhenyourchildhasafoodsituation;you’rejustawesomeandreadytoprotectanddefendinallsituations.Untilyourchildisoldenoughtodefendhimself/herself,aswellascurselikeasailor,you’regoingtohavetobetheonewhotalksback to clueless and/or evil people. Here are some scripts you can use! Although I’mtotallynotresponsiblefortheactionsofthepeopleyouareabouttooffend.

WHENSOMEONESAYS:“Sowhathappenswhenheeatsgluten?”

YOUSAY:“HaveyouseenAlien?Likethat,butwithmorepoop.”

WHENSOMEONESAYS:“Butshewon’talwayshavetobegluten-free,right?”

YOUSAY:“Nope.Onlyaslongasyouhavetobeacondescendingasshole.”

WHENSOMEONESAYS:“Youknow,poorpeopledon’thavefoodallergies.”

YOUSAY:“Oh,I’msorry.Ididn’tknowyouweretheInternationalExpertonPoorPeopleandHowWellTheirAutoimmuneSystemsFunction.Forgiveme,andpleasepassthegluten.”

WHENSOMEONESAYS:“Don’tworry,there’sjustalightcoatingofflourontheseporkchops.”

YOUSAY:[Witheringstare.Later,instructyourchildtostinkupthatperson’sbathroom.]

TheTalk

Evenifyoudiscoverthatglutenhatesyourbaby,atsomepointthatbabywillgrowupandstartinwiththe“whys,”andyouwillhavetoexplaintoyourchildaboutwhat’sgoingoninhisbody.Findingtherightbalancebetweenreassuringandinstillingtheseriousnessofthesituationisgoingtobetough.SinceIdidn’thavetodothisandinsteadjustsaid,“Hey,kids,Ican’teatgluten,”toaroomfullofdisinterestedsmallpeople,Iaskedsomeonewhoactuallyknowswhatsheistalkingabout.

IwentbacktoAliciaWoodward,psychotherapistandLivingWithoutmagazineeditorin chief, to talk about this tricky situation. Woodward agreed that striking a balancebetween keeping your child safe while encouraging him/her to have a normal, activechildhood was a challenge for all parents of celiac and food-allergic kids. After all,screaming,“Don’ttouchthat!!!”ateveryschoolget-togetherismostlikelygoingtohaveserious and lifelong consequences for your little eater. We don’t want our little onesdeveloping eating and anxiety disorders alongside their gluten problem. Woodwardadvises parents to “stand on the positives.” She adds, “These days, there are manypositives in theformofwonderfulgluten-freeproducts,supportgroups,summercamps,opportunitiesforlearningandadventure,andrestaurantoptions.”Truethat.OnepieceofadvicefromWoodwardsototallyappliestoadultsaswell:“Keepthepantrystockedwithterrific-tasting gluten-free products.” It’s true. Pirate’s Booty andM&Ms can diffuse ameltdowneveninyournonallergickids(andtotallyallergicadults).

Positivity is super-duper important,of course,but stating the facts aboutwhyyourkidhas tobedifferent isalsoeffective.Woodwardstresses thatparentsshould“Talkupthebenefitsoffeelingbetter,beingstrongerandhealthyatlast,aswellasthebenefitsofreally knowing our bodies and taking good care of this exquisite, elegantmachine thatcarriesusthroughlife.”It’snotabadwaytoteachallofourchildrentothinkwhentheythinkaboutfood.Utilizingtherightkindoffoodislikefuel,andwecanallexplaineatinginahealthyway,ratherthanananxiety-inducingmanner.Settingagoodexampleisalsohugely important, so watch how you talk about food and disease—especially to yourgluten-intolerantkid.Focusingon strength insteadofweaknesseswillgoa longway inreassuringyourveryimpressionablechild.

Something I would add to the “setting a good example” portion of this adviceincludes normalizing the disease.Youwouldn’t disclose that your child has acid refluxuponmeetingnewpeople,sodon’tintroduceyourchildtonewfriendsandimmediatelyannounceherceliacdisease.Ofcourseyouhavetoinformpeopleifthesituationwarrantsit,butshowingyourchildthatsheismorethanherdiseaseisimportanttoo.Takeitfromsomeonewhogetscalled“Gluten.”

Gettingyourchildtrulyinvolvedinhereatinghabitsandtakingcareofherhealthisalsokeywhendiscussingthedisease.Onefabwaytodothis is toput thatkidtowork.Sinceyou’retotallygoingtobeinthekitchenaheckofalotmore,whynotemploysome

childlabor?Woodwardadvises,“Preparethewonderfulgluten-freealternativegrainsandflours, and turn an eye to making great recipes from scratch, spending relaxed andpleasanttimeinthekitchenwithyourchild.Makecookingfunandatasteadventure.Thisopensawholenewworldforyourchildandteachesgreat lifeskills.”Personally,I lovethisideasimplybecausegratingcheesegetsold,youguys.

Notunlikeadults,it’sgoingtobehelpfulforyourlittleonetofindasupportgrouporevenjustonefriendtotalktoaboutceliac.Woodwardsuggeststhatyouandyourfamilyjoin a local celiac support group and participate in the fun kids’ events. Especiallyexciting,therearesummercampsjustforceliackids(seeResources)whereyourkidscanmakelanyardswithoutworryingaboutsomeotherkidputtingglutenalloverhispillowatnight.Let your child knowabout these special opportunities, andhop to it.Before youknowit,yourkidwillbeeatinggluten-freewithouteven thinkingabout it,andyoucanrelax a little bit aswell. Oh,who am I kidding?You’re a parent.You will never relaxagain.

Let’stacklethisgluten-freedilemmabyage,shallwe?Trustme,you’llbesostokedto go back to using your paninimaker when your gluten-free kid graduates from highschool, that empty-nest feeling will be replaced with euphoria. Delicious, gluten-filledeuphoria.

TheBaby/ToddlerGlutenIntolerant

Morecommonlythanyoumightthink,someparentsfindouttheirtiniestonesneedtogogluten-freeearlyonin thegameof life. It is incrediblyscarytodiscoverastomach—oranyother—ailmentinsuchaminiature-sizeperson,andafteryou’refinishedthankingthemaker that it’s not something worse, you’re going to be cursing that same guy forupending your kitchen, and life. Of course, controlling a baby or toddler diet isdramaticallyeasierthancontrollingateenager’s,well,anything.Butthatdoesn’tmeanit’sapieceofcake.Infact,it’stheexactoppositeofapieceofcake.

Pleasedon’tshootmewhenIsaynursinganinfantforaslongasyoupossiblycanistheeasiestwaytokeepakidgluten-free.It’stheonewaytoremainintotalcontrol,andaslongasyoudon’teatgluten,yourbabyisnotgettinganygluteneither.It’salsotruethatgoing gluten-free is not at all easy, especially if you yourself have zero symptoms thatneed tobeaddressed.Thatbaby time is,however, the last timeyou’llbeable towatcheverysinglenutrientgoingintoyourchildandactasqualitycontrol.Soenjoythat!Onceyourbabyiscaredforbyanyoneelse—beitarelative,daycare,nanny,orthatweirdladywholivesnextdoor(Editor’snote:Donotlettheweirdladynextdoorbabysit.DONOT.),thechancesofyour littleoneconsumingglutendramatically increase.Assomeonewhostronglybelievesawoman shouldchoose thebestway to feedherbabyherowndamnself,Istillhavetosayifyou’rebreastfeedingorpumpingbreastmilkandit’sclearthat’sallthebabyisallowedtoconsume,yourbabywillbeA-OK.Youknow,aslongasyou’renotmainliningKrispyKremes.Whichiswhatyoushouldbeabletodoifyou’repregnant,breastfeeding,orevenconsideringdoingeitherofthosethings.

Alternatively, get on the horn with every formula company in the world. As a

workingmother myself, I know the value of ready-made, and there will be times thatyou’ve gotta have it. Most, if not all, infant formula is gluten-free (again, thank themaker),butyouhavetowatchoutforanychangeinrecipebytheformulamanufacturerandbevigilantaboutchecking.Onceyougoformula,ordaycare,ornanny,orweirdladynextdoor,youalsohavetobearinmindthattherearesomesneakyold-schoolpeoplewhothink giving your baby cereal in her formula is helpful. Or peoplewho think you’re acrazymomwho is denying her child.You seewhere I’m goingwith this? If you’re incharge, you can control the situation.After all, you’re the only onemanufacturing thatboobmilk.

Asyourbabyturnsintoatoddler,youcanstillmaintaincontrol,butyouhavetostartthinkingaboutwhetherornotyouwantagluten-freehouse.Thismeansyougiveuptheglutentoo,andthat’snotalwayseasyandit’stotallysad.Alsosad?YourchildwillneverknowthejoyofjoiningtheCheeriocult.(Butthisisgreatnewsforyourcouchcushionsandcarseats.)Somanytoddlersnackstaplescontaingluten,it’salmostlikeyourkiddosaretrainedtogoontheall-whitedietfromanearlyage.InadditiontotheaforementionedCheerios,toddlersloveanythingthatlookslikeacookieandenjoytoanobscenedegreethecrunchofaGoldfishcrackeranditsorganiccousin,theCheddarBunny.Bagelsmakemanyateethingtoddlertotallychill,asdoespasta.Youseehowitcanbedifficulttokeepatoddlergluten-free?

Luckily all of the abovehavegluten-free substitutes; they just cost aheckof a lotmore.Insteadofstartingthesnackingwithflour-basedtreats,trytoplyyourtoddlerwithfruitandtoddler-friendlyvegetables.Yes,IrealizewhatIjustsaidistotallyhypocriticalgivenmyownkids’penchantforcrackerswithasideofcrackers.Butgettingyourtoddlerusedtoeatingfruitsandvegetablesisgreatformanyreasons,nottheleastofwhichthatyoudon’thavetoworryaboutsomeonesneakinggluteninsideafreshstrawberry.

Rest assured that there are some gluten-free toddler snacks that will satisfy thatcracker urge if you can’t get them to dine on sugar snap peas and raspberries. Imean,you’renotfreakingGiseleBündchenoverhere.Someofthebestnaturally(orprocessed)gluten-freetoddlersnacksoutsideoffruitsandvegetablesinclude:

•Cheese

•Pirate’sBooty

•Ricecakes

•Yogurt

•Fruitleather

•Cereal:GorillaMunch,RiceChex,KoalaCrisps,andmore

•Gluten-freecerealbars

Likesomanyotherparentalsituations,unfortunately,it’snotallaboutyou.Yournewestjob,inadditiontothefivemillionotheronesyoutookonwhenyouacquiredthatbundleof joy, iseducatingeveryonewhocomes intocontactwithyour littlebeggar.BecauseakiddeprivedofGoldfishwillbeg.Youknowwhoistotallysusceptibletochildbeggars?Grandma.

Iguaranteeyouthatladywillbethefirstpersontosay,“Oh,surelyshecanhavealittle.” Oh, no she can’t, Grandma. Back off. Be prepared to repeat your intenseinformationalsessions,followedbypleastokeepyourchildsafe,followedbythreats toanyonewho comes into contactwith your child—evenGrandma.These skillswill alsocome inhandyduring the truly terrible threes.That’s right, I said it.The twoshavegotnothing on the threes. Also, this is excellent preparation for the school years. (Cueominousmusic.)

TheSchoolYears

Oy.It’shappened:Yourbabyisgrowingup.Althoughmostofusshedsometearsonthefirst day of kindergarten, it’s for existential reasons. As a parent to a kid with glutenissues,youhaverealreasontocrybecausethereareotherlunchboxesouttherethataretotallydangeroustoyourlittlegluten-hater.

Therearetwowaystobattlethecovetingofanother’slunch:Oneistothreatenyourchild and your child’s friends within an inch of their little lives about the gluten. Thesecond is to create truly delicious and envy-inducing food for your kid’s lunch box soeverykidgoeshomeaskingiftheycanalsobe“gluten-free.”It’sreallyyourchoicewhichroadyoutake,butpleaseenjoysomeoftherecipesattheendofthischapterifyoudecidenot to frighten schoolchildren. Additionally here are some great gluten-free lunch boxoptionsforbiggerkids:

•GFTortillaWrapswithCreamCheese&GFTurkey

•YogurtSqueezers

•Cheetos(Canyoubelieveit?)

•Edamame

•Ricecakeswithpeanutoralmondbutter

•GFPizzaBagels:GFbageltoppedwithtomatosauceandmozzarella

•GFPastawithbutterandcheese

•Antsonalog,akaceleryfilledwithpeanutbuttertoppedwithraisins

• Quinoa mac and cheese (Add 2 tablespoons of milk and ½ cup gratedcheddar to2 cups cookedquinoa.Heat on the stovetopovermediumheatfor5minutes,andmix.)

•Thealmightyfruitsandvegetables

Thisisalsothetimewhenyourchildgetsinvitedtoacrazyamountofparties.Withthenew“invite thewhole class” rule so firmly inplace, you’regoing tohave topickyourbattles. I would recommend going to the birthday parties only if a) the kid is a goodfriend;b)theparentissoawesomeyoucantrusthim/hertonotpoisonyourbaby;orc)the goodie bags are said to be off the hook. Even then, send your child into the partypreparedwithhisowndessert.Youdonotwantyourchildcryinginthebathroombecausethe rainbow layer cake looks so good it hurts her heart. That kind of temptation is

incrediblydifficult toovercome.Hell,I takeagluten-freecupcaketoeverykid’spartyIgotobecauseIgetallverklemptaboutcake.Don’tletyourchildbetheonlyonewhoisn’tcompletelywhackedoutonsugarattheendoftheday.That’sjustgoodparenting.

Another tip that is annoying but necessary: Always volunteer for the hospitalitycommitteeatyourchild’sschool,justtomakesurethegluten-freecontingencyiscovered.Ihatecommitteestoo,butatleastthisoneinvolvesfood.

TerrorattheArts&CraftsTableHere’stheotherthingyouhavetoworryaboutifyouhaveagluten-freekid:artsupplies.Sadly,someofthekidfriendly,eco-friendlyfuntimescomewithgluten.Luckilytherearea lot of alternatives to the gluten-filled, so shop around and your child will not feelplaytimedeprived.

Not so into stressing outwhen your child is at school all day long? Provide yourgluten-sensitive kiddo with disposable rubber gloves like they use at doctors’ offices.Lookforthesmallestsize,andmakesureheorshe’spacking.

Play-Doh—The original brand aswell as homemade contains gluten.And don’t forgethowmuchkidslovetoeatthatstuff.Stayaway,andfindthegluten-freeversion.

ModelingClay—Notallmodelingclaycontainsgluten,butsomedo.Alwayscheckthelabel.

Papier-Mâché—Thehomemadekindisallabouttheflour,whatwithitsstickygluten.

Finger Paints—Sadly, some big-name finger paints are made with wheat, which is“nontoxic” tomostkids,butnotyour littleglutenbarfer.Onceagain, alwayscheck thelabel.(SeeResources,thispage:Gluten-FreeToys&ArtSuppliesforKids.)

JuniorHigh&HighSchool

OrasIliketocallit,the“AgeoftheA-hole.”AtleastIwaswhenitcametolisteningtoanydamnthingmymomhadtosay.Nomatterifyouhaveaceliacadolescentoratotallynormalone,yourkidisgoingtodothingstomakeyoucrazyassoonashestepsintothehallowed halls ofmiddle school. Expect serious rebellion right now, includingwhen itcomes time for your hormone-addled offspring to eat. Try to put yourself in his shoeswhenhe’ssharingapizzaaftertheswimmeetandjustwantstofeellikearegularkidforonce. This kind ofwillpower is near impossible, especially for someonewho does notpossessafullydevelopedbrain.Gluteningwillhappen.Justtrytominimizethedamageby keeping your own home gluten-free and keeping an eye on his friends, those jerks.Alsojerks?Thejerks’parents.Yourplanofactionistokillthemallwithkindness—andinformation.

Asaparenttoachildwithfoodissues,youhavetobewaymoreupinhisbusinessthan the average parent. Youmight as well get used to that idea and start introducing

yourself toeverykid’sparents just incaseyourpreciousonewindsupoveratJohnny’shousefordinner.Yes,thisisjustonemorewayyouwillbelabeled“uncool”byyourkids,butyou’regoingtohavetogoforit.IfthismeansmakingALLCAPSannouncementsontheschoolmessageboard,orstandingupinfrontofthePTA,orjustmentioningiteverytimeyouseeaparentofachildwholooksatyourownwithevenasmidgenofinterest—doit.Tryreally,really,reallyhardnottodoitwithinearshotofyourchild.Hopefullyatthispointyourkidisasoccersuperstarorameanfiddleplayerandisn’tdefinedbyherdiseasesothiswon’tbugher.Still,it’scooltotrytonotmakeherfeelliketheoddwomanout.

Otherparentsmayfindyouannoying,kidswilltalkaboutyoubehindyourback,andyourownchildmaypretendnottoknowyou.Yetthismakesyounotthatmuchdifferentfromeverysingleotherparentofanadolescent.Embraceyourinnerbusybodyandgettoknowallofthosepeoplewhointeractwithyourchildduringtheday.Justremembertobeniceaboutit,andnoonewillbetemptedtopeltyourkidwithchickennuggets.

Asonlyhalfoftheequation,youstillhavetogetyourchildonboard.Kickingandscreaming,maybe,butyou’vegottobeateamwhencommittingtothegluten-freelife.Atleastuntilsherunsawayfromhomebecausenooneunderstandsher,leastofallyou.Trythesetipstokeepyourgluten-freeadolescentsafe:

1.APPEALTOHERVANITY

Remindyouryoungglutenintolerantofalltheweirdskinissuesthatcanhappenwhensheconsumesgluten,anddon’tglossoverthefartingeither.Thisisespeciallyhelpfulonpromnightwhenyou’retryingtokeepbeeroutofhersensitivestomach.DoNOTusethisonatwelve-year-oldboy,however,becauseitwillsendhimtothevendingmachineasfastasyoucansay“explosivediarrhea.”

2.CULTIVATEAPERSONA

Rememberwhen that first kidgot braces in junior high?Before the sheenworeoff themetal, everyone in homeroom wanted braces too. Teach your child to say things like“Yeah, I’ll probably die young” and “I won’t let this disease define me” to pick upchicks/dudes6. Note: Linesmust be delivered with the proper emo face. From now oneveryonearoundthetablewillinvoluntarilyproducethesympathyfrownwhenyourchildpasses up the pizza and chews forlornly on a carrot stick. And that, kids, is how youbecomepopular.(Editor’snote:Yeah,intheDramaClub,maybe.)

3.BECOMEANACTIVIST

Sure,preachingthegluten-freegospelcanputsomepeopleoff,butifyourchildhappensto be one of those peppy cheerleader typeswho is all up in the awareness, she’smorelikely to stick to thediet.Whether she starts a blog, attendsCeliacDiseaseFoundationconferences,or startspetitions forgluten-free school lunches, itwillhelpher feel somecontroloverherlotaswellasencouragehertostaythestraightandnarrowcourse.Youknow,kindoflikethoseUpwithPeoplekids.TheyturnedoutOK,right?

That,myfriends,ishowyoukeepyourkidshealthyandsafewhentheglutenattacks.Whatabout thecollegeyears,youask?Sendmoney,gluten-freesnacks,andprayeverysinglenight thatyourcollegestudentdoesnot forgeteverybitofherhome training the

minuteshemovesintothedorms.Yourworkhereisdone.Nowgoenjoythatpanini.

Oh,No!MyKitchenHasGluten

Whetheryou’retheglutenintolerantoryourchildis,ifyouhaveevenonepersoninyourhousewhoisconsuminggluten,you’vegottokeeptheirdishesandtheirdeliciousfoodawayfromtheothers.Mykidshavecerealbowls that Inever touch,and if they toastabagel,theyhavetouseatraythatmyowngluten-freebiznevercomesnear.SomedaysIthinkitwouldbeeasier tosimplybanallglutenfromthehouse,andthenIrealizehowmuchmoreworkwould be involved in preparing school luncheswithout gluten, and Idecide that preparing my own lunches is enough work. Making sure the kids are allgluten-free might just drive me nuts. Also, perfect excuse reason to transfer thatresponsibility—permanently—overtotheirfather.Amiright?

Butyou’reherebecauseyourkidscan’teatgluten,andyouwillbepreparingspeciallunches.Thegoodnewsisyourkidwon’tbetheonlyonewithanissue.Youcan’tthrowaThomasTrainintoaplaygroupwithoutfindingatleastonekidwhocan’tingestamajorfoodgroup.Youarenotalone,andI’vetotallygotyourback,aswellassomerecipesthatwillknockyourkiddiesocksoff.

Although it’s true thatcookingwithmorecomplexgluten-freegrainswillbemuchhealthierforyour littleones, in thebeginningIwouldrecommendgoingfor thepathofleast resistance.Which iswhymykid-friendly recipesareallaboutmakingkidshappy,evenwithoutthatstupidgluten.Onceyou’veconqueredtheall-purposegluten-freeflour,mixitupwithamilletorasorghumblend.Orteachyourkidtodothat,whichwouldbewaymoreawesome.

Here are some recipesmy kids chow down on like they’re celiacs (which they’re not,thankgod):

ZucchiniMuffins

Mykidseattheselikethey’recandy.It’soneofthosesneakywaystogetvegetablesintotheirdietandalsokeep itg-free. It’s theperfectkidrecipe ifyou’reallaboutdeprivingyourchildrenwithouttheirevenknowing.Whichweallare,right?

Preptime:20minutesCooktime:30minutes

Makes:20muffins

INGREDIENTS1⅓cupsugar

2eggs,beaten

2teaspoonsvanillaextract

4cupsgratedfreshzucchini

⅓cupmeltedunsaltedbutter

2teaspoonsbakingsoda

Pinchofsalt

3cupsgluten-freeall-purposeflour

1teaspoonxanthangum

½teaspoonnutmeg

2teaspoonscinnamon

1.Preheattheovento350°F.Lightlygreasethewellsofa12-wellmuffintin.

2. Ina largebowl,combine the sugar,eggs,andvanilla.Stir in thegratedzucchiniandthen themeltedbutter.Sprinkle thebakingsodaandsaltover thezucchinimixture,andmix.

3.Inaseparatebowl,combinethegluten-freeflour,xanthangum,nutmeg,andcinnamon.Stirthesedryingredientsintothezucchinimixture.

4. Use a spoon to distribute themuffin batter evenly among the cups, filling the cupscompletely.

5.Bakeonthemiddlerackuntilthemuffinsaregoldenbrownandthetopsofthemuffinsbouncebackwhenyoupressonthem,25to30minutes,oruntilatoothpickinsertedinthe

centerofamuffincomesoutclean.

6.Setthetinonawireracktocoolfor5minutes.Removethemuffinsfromthetinandletcoolanother20minutes.

AvocadoFries

Mykidloves“greenFrenchfries,”whichcomefromabag.SoInaturallythoughtmakingmyowngfgreenfrieswouldbeawinner.Heeatssomethinggreen,andI’mtotallystoked.

WhatIdidn’trealizewasthatthese(evenvegan!)avocadofriesaretotallyadultfare.Sure,yourkidswilleatthem.Butreally,they’reforyou.AswitnessedbymyhooveringtenofthemwhenIwastryingtoconvincemysontheywerebetterthanstorebought.Wethumbwrestledforthelastavocadofry.Truestory.

Preptime:10minutesCooktime:7minutes

Makes:16fries

INGREDIENTSOilforfrying

1cupBetterBattergluten-freeseasonedflourmix

2ripeavocados,fleshscoopedfromtheskin,pitted,andslicedintostrips

1.Preheattheoilindeep-fatfryeruntilitreachesmedium-highsetting(alternatively,heatenoughoilinadeepsaucepantosubmergetheavocadostripscompletely).

2. In a medium bowl, whisk the gluten-free flour mix and ½ cup water together untilsmooth.

3. Place the avocado slices in the batter to coat. Allow them to sit in the batter for 5minutes.

4.Frytheavocadoslices,turningeveryfewminutes,for7minutes,oruntilthecoatingisgoldenbrownincolor.Drainonpapertowel–linedplatetoremoveexcessoil,andserve.

Gluten-FreeChocolateChipIceCreamSandwich

Thisisaradparentingmove.Ifyoumakehomemadegluten-freechocolatechipicecreamsandwiches foryourkidandher friends,noone isgoing tocomplainabout the lackofgluten.Plus,you’llprettymuchbethecoolestmomintheentireneighborhood.

You can alsomake these chocolate chip cookies solo, butwhywould you do thatwhenyoucanfillthemwithdeliciousicecream?

Preptime:15minutes+90minutesresttimeCooktime:13minutes

Makes:15icecreamsandwiches

INGREDIENTS3½cupsall-purposegluten-freeflour

½teaspoonxanthangum

1½teaspoonsbakingsoda

¾teaspoonsalt

2sticksunsaltedbutter

¼cupturbinadosugar

¼cupgranulatedsugar

1¾cupsbrownsugar

2eggs,atroomtemperature

2teaspoonsvanillaextract

½pounddarkchocolate,roughlychopped

1quartvanillaicecream

2cupsgluten-freechocolatechips

1.Preheattheovento375°F.

2.Inalargebowl,sifttogethertheflour,xanthangum,bakingsoda,andsalt.Setaside.

3.Usingahandmixer,creamthebutterandthesugarsuntillightandfluffy.Addtheeggs,oneatatime,beatingwelltoincorporateaftereachaddition.Addthevanilla,thenscrapedownthesidesofthebowl.

4. Add the flour mixture and mix to combine. Fold in the chopped chocolate with aspatula.

5.Coverthebowlandrefrigeratethedoughfor30minutes.

6.Rollthechilleddoughintoballs2inchesindiameterandplacethemonacookiesheet,½inchapart.Bakefor13minutes.

7.Removethecookiesfromtheovenandallowtocoolforatleast30minutes.

8.About 10minutes before the cookies have cooled completely, remove the ice creamfromthefreezertosoftenit.Placethegluten-freechocolatechipsonaflattray.

9.Take2cookiesofequalsizeandplaceoneupsidedownonaflatsurface.Usinganicecreamscoop,place twoandahalf scoopsofvanilla icecreamon thecookie.Place theothercookieon topandsqueeze together todistribute the icecreamevenlybetween thecookies.Useatableknifetosmooththeedges,ifneeded.

10.Roll theedgesof the icecreamsandwiches in thechocolatechipsuntilcoated, thenimmediatelywrap the ice cream sandwiches in plasticwrap and transfer to the freezer.Freezefor15to20minutesbeforeserving.

ButternutSquashMac&Cheese

MyfriendNoelleshoweduptoadinnerpartywiththisdishandIwasall,“Whyyouwanttoruinmacandcheeselikethat?”ThenIsawmypickyeaterchowdown,andIdemandedthatNoellesendmetherecipe,stat.

If your kids are like every kid since the dawn ofman (includingmine), they hatevegetables and loveWonder Bread. But now they’re g-free, and you’re super worriedabouttheirnutrients.Neverfear!Sneakybutternutsquashmacandcheeseishere.Smilewithsatisfactionastheytotallyeatthatwintersquashandthinkthey’regettingawaywithsomething.

Recipenote:Youcanalsouseall-purposegluten-freeflourinthisrecipe.Ihappentolikethewaymilletflourworksinaroux,sothat’smygo-to.

Preptime:20minutesCooktime:1hourand15minutes

Makes:16servings

INGREDIENTSFortheSquash:1butternutsquash,peeled,seeded,andchoppedinto1-inchcubes

1tablespoonoliveoil

1teaspoonsalt

1teaspoonpepper

½teaspoonnutmeg

ForthePasta:1poundgluten-freeelbowmacaroni

¼cupunsaltedbutter

½cupmilletflour

4cupsmilk

Salt

Freshlygroundblackpepper

1teaspoonnutmeg

1tablespoondrymustard

4cupsgratedsharpcheddar

1¾cupsvegetablestock

1.Makethesquash:Preheattheovento400°F.

2.Placethesquashinalargebowlandcoatthepieceswiththeoliveoil,salt,pepper,and

nutmeg.Transferthesquashtoasheetpanandroastfor45minutes,oruntilforktender.Removethesquashfromtheovenandturntheovenuptobroil.Set thesquashasidetocool.

3.Makethepasta:Bringalargepotofsaltedwatertoaboil.Addthegluten-freemacaroniandcookuntilaldente,3to4minuteslessthandirectedonthepackage.Drainandrinsethemacaroni.

4.Whilethemacaroniiscooking,meltthebutterinaDutchovenorlargesaucepanovermediumheat.Whisk in theflour,stirringconstantly,until it lightensand thickens intoapaste.

5.Removethemixturefromtheheatandaddmilk,thenreturntotheheatandwhiskuntilthe roux thickens.Reduce the heat so themixture is just simmering, and cook, stirringfrequently,untiltherouxthickensfurther,8to10minutes.

6.Transferthesquashtothebowlofafoodprocessororblenderandpurée.Setaside.

7.Seasontherouxwithsalt,pepper,nutmeg,anddrymustard.Add3cupsofthecheddarandthevegetablestocktotheroux,andmixtocombine.Removefromheat,andaddthepuréedsquash.

8.Toss the squashmixturewith thepasta, then transfer themixture toa largecasseroledish.Topthemixtureevenlywiththeremainingcheddar.

9.Placethecasseroleunderthebroilerfor15to20minutes,untilbubblyandbrownontop.Turn theovendown to350°Fandcook for15minutesmore.Allow tocoolbeforeserving.

AuntLoretta’sDeconstructedLasagna

AuntLorettacomesthroughyetagainwithatotallydeliciouswaytomakekidsfeellikethenorms,inanincrediblyeasymovethatdoesnotrequireyoutohavethecounterspacetolayoutlongnoodles.Also,mykidsreallyhatelasagnanoodlesforsomereason.Weird.

Preptime:15minutesCooktime:45minutes

Makes:12servings

INGREDIENTS½poundgroundbeef

1teaspoonsalt

Dashoffreshlygroundblackpepper

1teaspoonsugar

2(8-ounce)canstomatosauce

1(12-ounce)packagegluten-freepasta

1cupsourcream

3ouncescreamcheese,softened

1teaspoonoregano

½cupshreddedmozzarella

1.Preheattheovento350°F.Greasea12-by-8-inchcasseroledish.

2.Inalargeskilletovermediumheat,brownthegroundbeef.

3.Drainthefatfromtheskillet.Addsalt,pepper,sugar,andtomatosaucetothegroundbeefandsimmerovermediumheatfor15minutes.

4.Cookthegluten-freepastaaccordingtothepackagedirections.

5.Inasmallbowl,combinethesourcream,creamcheese,andoreganoandsetaside.

6. Place half of the cooked gluten-free pasta on the bottomof the prepared pan.Coverwithhalfofthesourcreammixture,thenhalfofthemeatsauce.

7.Repeat the layers, then top the last layerofmeat saucewithmozzarella.Bake for30minutes.

IceCreamConeCupcake

Another recipe tobustout atparties.Thereare somesuper-delishgluten-free icecreamcones,sprinkles,andcakemixesouttherethatmakethisrecipeasnap.Ifyoudon’thaveagluten-free cake mix handy, see my recipe for devil’s food cake, and whip up abuttercream frosting that is naturally gluten-free. Add gluten-free food coloring and/orsprinklesandsitbackandwaitfortheaccolades.

VEGANALERT:Youcaneasilymake thesecupcakesveganbecausemostgluten-freeicecreamconesandcakemixesarevegantobeginwith.Intheicing,substitutevegetableshorteningforbutter,using2tablespoonsless,andsubstitutewaterformilk,andyou’reallset.

Preptime:15minutesCooktime:45minutes

Makes:12cupcakes

INGREDIENTS12gluten-freeflat-bottomedicecreamcones

1boxgluten-freecakemix,asdirected,or1recipeJack’sDevil’sFoodCake(seethispage)

FortheButtercreamIcing:1cupunsaltedbutter,atroomtemperature

4cupsconfectioners’sugar

½cupmilk

½teaspoonalmondextract

¼teaspoonsalt

3dropsfoodcoloringofyourchoice,ifdesired

4tablespoonsgluten-freesprinkles

1.Preheattheovento350°F.

2.Setthegluten-freeicecreamconesinthewellsofamuffintin.

3.Preparethecakebatterasdirectedonthepackage.

4.Fill eachconealmost to the topwith thecakebatter.Bake for25minutes,oruntil atoothpickinsertedinthecenterofacupcakecomesoutclean.Setasidetocoolforatleasthalfanhour.

5.Makethebuttercreamicing:Usingahandmixer,combinealltheingredientsexceptthefoodcoloringandbeatuntilsmooth.Addfoodcoloring,ifdesired,afewdropsatatime,untilyoureachthecoloryouwant.

6. Use generous amounts of icing on each cupcake, tomake them look like ice creamcones.Topthecupcakeswithsprinkles.

Nowthatyouhavemasteredthegluten-freecooking,discoveredyourlocalgluten-freehotspots,andarefeelingtotallyconfidentaboutthiswholenewwayoflife,it’s time to take a vacation! Although you can’t take a vacation from your

problems, youcanworkhard tonot createmorewhileyou’reoutofyour element. I’mtalkingaboutglutenproblemshereandhowtosolvethemwhenyoudon’thaveyourownkitchenhandy.That’swhyyou’rehere,right?

Thegreatnewsis,anydomestictravelyoutakeonintheU.S.ofA.canbesolvedbymarching into two places upon your arrival in a strange locale:Whole Foods (or anynaturalfoodstore)andatacostand.Pleasenote:Thisdoesnotapplytocamping.Ifyou’reseriouslywilling togocamping,youpackyourownfood. I,however,havedecidedmyceliacdiseaseistheperfectexcusetoneverhavetosleepoutdoorseveragain.Ever.

Onceyoufindyourselfinanewcity,headstraighttothestoreandloadupong-freeemergencyfoodincaseyouwindupatthelocalpizzeriastarvingandangry.Also,refertoChapter4tomakesureyoudon’tactuallywindupatthelocalpizzeria,andinsteadfindyourselfhappilymunchingawayat the taco stand. Ifyou’revisiting friendsand family,you can ask them to grab a few things or ship them a box of nonperishable foodstuffsbeforehand.Andifyouhappentobevisitingsuper-amazingawesomefriendsandfamily,thosepeoplewilllookuponyourstayasanadventureandwillhavealreadystockeduponthebestgluten-freepastaintown.Also,bringthosepeoplepresentsbecausetheyrock.

“ButApril,”yousay,“Iliketotraveltoplacesoffthebeatenpath.Idoubtthere’saWholeFoodswhereIventure.”Guesswhat,America?I justreadaboutacontestwhereyou could enter towin a $500gluten-free shopping spree fromWalmart.Whichmeansthey’vegottohaveatleast$500worthofproducts,orelseyougetaconsolationprizeofFritos anda “Born2Sk8” tank top. I kid. I’m sureWalmart is cashing inon thishugetrend,because theyknowhow tomake thebigbucks.Whichmeansyouand Ihavenomoreexcusestonotvisitourruralrelatives.IfWalmartcanofferyougluten-freefood,andWalmartcovers theU.S. likeablanketmade inChina,youwillnot starvewhenyou’retravelingaroundthisparticularcountry.

Don’tforget—evenifyouhaveonlyabackpackandasmallamountofchange(andif you do, ummm, what year do you think this is?), you can stop at a farm stand fornaturallygluten-freeproduce.Becauseanother thing thathaschangeddramaticallywith

America’s food supply in the past decade is the hipsterization of the farmers’ market.Thosethingsareeverywhere,eveninthesmalltownIusedtolivein,whichtotallydidn’tneedonebecauseeveryonehadtheirowndamnfarm.

With so many gluten-free options in grocery stores, chain restaurants, and farmstands,youcanbookyour tickets toAnywhere,U.S.A.Honestly, ifyouhaven’tnoticedgluten-free menus, cookies, stores, and random gluten-free Lady Gagas popping upeverywhere in our country, you’re not paying attention.We’re good here in theUnitedStates,andIhearCanadaisprettyradinthegluten-freedepartmentaswell.GoforthintothewildsofNorthAmericaandvacation.

I,however,thoughtitmightbegoodtopushtheoldgluten-freeenvelope.Notunlikethe Republicans in the U.S. Congress, I came to the realization that the French couldpotentially present a problem. Although the Italians are all over gluten-free pasta andbread,thewholeUKareapracticallyinventedsprue,andyoucanliveonamazingseafoodand rice ifyouhead to theFarEast,France is filledwithdeliciousglutenplusattitude.WhichmeansIabsolutelyhadtogetthere,andfast.Masochistmuch?

Paris,It’sON

“Perhaps going to Paris isn’t a great idea right now,” my husband said right before Ikickedhimin theshins.Or thoughtaboutkickinghimin theshins.Orreallywanted tokick him in the shins because he was right. I’d just had my endoscopy checkup(wheeeee!), and the news was not awesome. As in “Hey, are you sure you aren’t stilleatinggluten like abeast?” Iwasgetting sick a few times aweek, and incrediblybusyuncovering sneaky gluten and its sneakyways (see Chapter 2). Also, I had just had awickedboutwiththestomachflubecauseI’mluckylikethat.YetoffIwentintothewildsofbaguettes,croissants,andwaiterswhoalreadythoughtIwasahorribleAmerican,justtoseeifIcould.Atleastthattwo-weekstomachflumeantIwaslookingfabulous.Watchout,Paris,Isaidtomyself,becauseI’mabouttobeinyou.

Butfirst,Ihadtogetthere.

Gluten-FreeAirlineTravel

Thefact iseverytimeyougetonanairplaneyou’dbetterpacksnacks—whetheryou’regluten-freeorjustliketoeatfoodtolive.Gonearethedayswiththewaitressesintheskywhocatertoyoureverywhim.Hello,miniaturesnacksandpay-to-eatboxesoffoodthatyou,theglutenintolerant,cannoteveneat.Ifyou’retakingafour-hourflight,thisisnobigdeal.Trycrossing theEarth,and itsuddenlybecomesadisasterofmassiveproportions.Why?Becauseyou’lleatallofyourgluten-freebrowniesonthefirstleg,andyourstringcheesewillsmellripebythetimeyou’reinyourfourteenthhourofnonrefrigeration.

Contacting your airline before your trip is crucial if you’re, say, inCalifornia andcrossing like fiveoreight timezones inorder towindup inParis. Iwas lucky thatmyairlineofchoice,AirCanada,providesagluten-freemealwhenyoutravelinternationally.ProofyetagainthatCanadahasgotitgoingonwhenitcomestothegluten-free.Thenit

occurredtomethatifTravelocityhadsentmeinadifferentdirection,Imighthavewounduptotallyscrewed.First,Imadesomecalls.Althoughsomepeople(ahem,Delta,ahem)don’twantyoutoeventalktothem,e-mailthem,instantmessagethem,textthem,or,godforbid, send thema letter,other airlineswerevery forthcomingabout their total lackoffoodoptionsforthegluten-free.(InDelta’sdefense,theywerekindofinahugemergeratthe time, and now appear to be on the gf tip.)Here’swhat happenedwhen I did someinvestigativereporting.

Gluten-FreeDinnerintheSky

I’vetoldyouhowawesomeAirCanadaiswiththeirgluten-freeofferings.Youdoneedtocalleveryairlinebeforeyoutraveljusttomakesurethepolicyisstillinplace,soyoucantakefulladvantageoftheirspecialmeals.Here’sthewordfromotherairlinesabouttheirin-flightgluten-freeoptions(atthetimeofpublication).

AlaskaAirlines—AlaskaAirlineswillhookyouupwithagluten-freepicnicpackthat currently includes hummus, gluten-free chips, almonds, fruit, olives, and fair-tradechocolate.Thatsoundsdelicious,doesn’tit?

VirginAmerica—Atthetimeofpublishing,VirginAmericawasdevelopinggluten-freeoptionsfordomesticflights.Thismeansasyoureadthis,gluten-freeisONwhenyouflyVirginAmerica.Whoo!Soyoucancheckoutthatcutieinseat14Fwhilesnackingg-free.

VirginAtlantic—Notsurprisingly,theinternationalarmofVirginwillhaveafull-ongluten-free meal available for anyone who calls within forty-eight hours of the flight.Instead of a completemakeover, the chefs replace gluten-containing items in the usualmealwithgluten-freeoptions.

JetBlue—Snack yourself silly on JetBlue without worrying about the gluten. Inaddition to three free snackoptions that are gluten-free, you canpurchase a gluten-free“ShapeUp”snackboxthatisgluten-free,alongwithàlacarteitems.

SouthwestAirlines—Knownforpeanuts,andthat’sit,soyoucantotallyeatgluten-freeonSouthwest.Becausepeanutsaregluten-free.WhenIcontactedtheirpressoffice,they also sent me a flyer with a Jack and Coke option (to purchase). Which meansSouthwestisgluten-freeandreadytoparty.

AmericanAirlines—A little bit complicated, but if you sit back I can explain. Ifyou’reflyingfirstclassonAmerican,youwillgetthegluten-freehookupinmealform.Ifyoufly firstclassonflights formore than twohours,youwill receiveacomplimentarymeal. And if you ring them twenty-four hours in advance, you can even get acomplimentarygluten-freemeal(someofwhichsoundquitelovely—sweetchilisalmon,anyone?). Main-cabin domestic fliers need to bring their own gluten-free food.Internationalisanotherstory,whereyoucanagainrequestagluten-freemeal.Dependingontheleg,ifyou’reflyinginthemaincabinyouwillhaveameal-for-purchase.However,ifyou’refancyandfirstclass,it’sonthehouse.

Lufthansa—YouknowtheGermansareefficient,andwhenitcomestofeedingtheir

passengerstheyareevenmoreso.Oneveryflightthatoffersameal,youcangetagluten-freeversionaswell.Lufthansasentmephotosofomelets,polenta,andlotsoffreshfruit.Ihave to say it even looked appetizing. Sowhat flights offermeals? If you’re travelingbusiness class, any flight over two hours. If you’re traveling economy, then your flightneedstobethreeandahalfhoursorlonger.

Spirit Airlines—Bring your own food on Spirit Airlines because the snacks forpurchasearechockfullo’gluten,withtheexceptionofthepeanutM&Ms.

USAirways—USAirways did not have any idea, so the nice lady referredme toLSGChefs,theairline’sprimarycaterer.AlthoughtheUSAirwaysrepdidwarnmethatitwas difficult to get a response fromLSG, Iwas still surprised at the complete lack ofconcern.Perhaps theyhate thegluten-freeatLSG. Iwouldn’tknowbecause theyneverresponded.

Delta—Ifyou’remakingashortdomesticjumpintheUnitedStates,Deltaoffersafewsnacks that aregluten-free, likeM&Msandalmonds. Ifyou’re luckyenough tobeflyinginternationally,oronaflightthatislongerthansixhours,youcanrequestagluten-freemealby loggingonto the“MyFlights”sectionofDelta’swebsiteandrequestingatleasttwenty-fourhoursinadvance.

Itmightbeenough to inspirea letter-writingcampaignfor thegluten-freecause. Itmight be, until you realize it’s airline food.You are not going to be stoked even if it’sgluten-free. Is it awesome to have the gluten-free option? Totally. Especially if you’retraveling back from a country that could give two les poops about your gluten-freecondition.Butairlinefoodisnottheplacetogotogetagreatgluten-freemeal.Youknewthatalready,right?Let’smoveon.

ArrivinginHostileTerritory

The real problem in going to Paris gluten-free—when you’re me—is the intimidationfactor.Fromthewaiterwhotookhissmokebreakrightnexttomyface,tothefast-talkingtoddlerswho totallyknowFrench,Parismakesme feel inferior.Sure, I’mof theCajuntype, so I should be able to claim some kind of grandfathering or something. (Note toFrance:YoushouldtotallydothatthingthatIsraeldoeswithitsAmericanJewssoallofus Frenchies can come live in your beautiful country andmuck it up for a bit.Non?)InsteadIwinduptryingtofitinwithmyrudimentaryFrench,andevenconsiderlyingtothe handsome Frenchman who rents me my appartement and when asking about myFrenchresearchsays,“Butsurelyyoudonothavethefoodallergy,non?”Ijustgavethismanlikeathousandbucks,andstillIfeellikeIhavetohidenotonlymyAmericanismsbutalsomyglutenproblem.Oddly,IadmittedthatIhadceliac,butadded,“IusedtoliveinNewYork.”Youknow,becauseeveryone justadoresNewYorkers!Which iswhenIrealizethisParistripisgoingtomakemelooklikesuchanasshole.

Luckilymyhusbandhasachildhoodfriendwhoisfull-onParisian,andsowetappedhertogivemelotsoftipsabouteatinginParis.Themostimportanttip?Don’tgotoParisinJulyorAugustbecausesomanypeopleareonvacation.SadlyIdiscoveredthisafterpurchasinganonrefundableround-tripticketforAugust.Youknowwhoespeciallyloves

to go on vacation during July andAugust?Gluten-free bakerswho have just opened agluten-free bakery that looks like the most amazing store in all the world. I was therecipient of tons of tips on gluten-free bakeries and gluten-free–friendly restaurantsbecauseapparentlyParisisgettingwiththegfprogramthesedays.OfcourseeverysingleoneofthoseamazingplaceswasclosedupwhenIarrivedintown.Whocanblamethem?Iwas on vacation too.And somy awesome eating andworking vacationwas off to awhimper.

AfterconvincingmytemporarylandlordthatIwasacoolNewYorker,andnotatallweird because I had a disease, I stumbled around Montmartre looking for a café andquicklyhadmyveryfirstParisianpanicattack.Eventhoughitwastheweehoursofthemorning inCalifornia, itwasbrunch time inParis.Orwhatever it is theydoatbrunch.BecauseallIcouldseeformileswerecoffee,cigarettes,andbread.IpulledupaseatatCaféLeSaintJeanandinstantlyfreakedoutasIsuddenlyrealizedIhadnoideawhatIwasdoing,eventhoughIshouldhaverealizedthisyearsago.Aquicklookaroundoffersme no clue, as the Parisians are simply sipping their coffee and staring into the ruebecausethat’swhatFrenchpeopledo.

I’mnotsurewhenInoticedthatIwasnotbreathingatall,butmyparalysisresultedinmyfirstmistakewhenIorderedtwocupsofcoffee.Jean-Pierre(asIcallhim)looksatmequizzicallyandholdsuptwofingers:“Deux?Orun?”Ithinkbrieflyaboutpretendingthat Iwasordering for twopeople,ormaybe Ihadoneof those“TheArtist”dogs likeeveryoneelseinPariswhojusthappenstoenjoycoffee,butultimatelydecidetoanswertruthfully and panicky, “Un!Un!” Yeah, I’m doing great. Also, apparently I’m havingcoffeeforbreakfast.OrratherIhadanespressosinceIforgottheaulait.Oh.My.God.IsuckatParis.

JustasI’veresignedmyselftothefactthatIwillhavetoliveoncoffeeandwinetheentiretimeI’minParis—andalsobegintoconsidertakingupsmokingagain—Iseethatsomeonehassatdownandisholdingamenu.Damnit!HowdidInotlookuphowtoaskforamenuinFrench?Also,whatkindofcafédoesn’tjustbringyouamenu?AFrenchcafé, that’s the kind.Of course the fantastic thing aboutParis is that I can sit at a caféstaringintospaceforhoursasIquietlyfreakoutontheinsideaboutstarvingtodeathinamajormetropolis.Noonecares!Sothat’swhatIdo.

RightaboutnowiswhenIshouldbepullingoutmyTriumphdiningcardthat tellstheFrench that I cannoteatgluten in theirownwords,withoutmyhorribleaccent.Butnon,Idecideorderinganomeletteavecjambonetfromageshouldbefine,andwhyshouldIworry that youngmanwhile he’s on his third smoke break? (Jambon et fromage areprettymuchwhatI’lleatfortherestofthetrip,bytheway.)Youknow,mostofthetimehamandcheesedonotcontaingluten.Notthismorning,however!That’sright,IfinallyfigureouthowtoordersomebreakfastandIgetglutened.Lesigh.

IthoughtIwassooooclever.“Proposeyoutakeagluten-freerompthroughParis,”Isaid.WhatageniusexcuseforaParisianvacation!“Whatcouldgowrong?”Iasked.Youshouldknowthat toiletpaperinParis isnotatallsoft,andbidetsarenotasplentifulasonemightthink.

Byday twoI stillhavenot toldanyone that I’mnotFrenchandcannotunderstand

French,northatIhaveceliacandcannoteatgluten.Thisway,Idecide,IcanfeeltotallylikeanormwalkingaroundthestreetsofParis.AlthoughIdosuspectafewpeoplemayhavefiguredouttheno-Frenchthing.Forexample,thewaiteratthecaféwhereIorderedl’eautendifferenttimesbeforeIfinallyyelled“water!”Listenup,guardiansoftheFrenchlanguage:Youshouldnotmakesomethingsonécessairesodifficulttopronounce.Ispeakletruth.

Icanhearyousaying,“Seriously.PulloutyourTriumphdiningcard,already.”Iwillgetmineoutofmybagassoonas I finish thiscigarette.What? I’mjust trying to fit ingivenasthisisthemosttimeI’veeverspentatacaféthatdidnothaveWiFi.WhichmayalsobewhyeveryoneinFrancesmokes—noWiFiatcafés.Therealissueisthis:IcametoParisandwantedtoactlikeIwasjustanormal,ifnotexceptionallycool,galtravelingaroundEuropebyherself.IwasNOTstokedtocultivatetheimageoftheAmericanladywith food issues. That is not the ideal way to go on vacation, and plus, cigarettes arerumoredtoputceliacsymptomsonhold.Nevermindthatwholecancerthing.

Alas,Ihadtostoppretendingandstartgettingrealaboutfiveminutesaftermysteakaupoivrelandedonmytablecoveredinathicklight-coloredgravyratherthantheblackpeppercornedgingIwasexpecting.Here’sanothertip:YouwillmaketheParisianwaitermuchangrierifyoutellhimyoucan’teatglutenafteryourfoodarrives.Whichmayresultin you being the recipient of an incredibly tough piece of meat that was most likelywashedoff in the sink and thrownbackonyour plate, aswell as the admonishment to“JustsayitinEnglish.”Sosorryaboutthatmixup,LeConsulatinMontmartre!Andfuckyou.

Nextstop,thecrêperie!Don’tscoff,asIlearnedrightbeforeIleftthatmanycrêpesin France are made with buckwheat. Holy gluten-free goodness!Why yes, I could eatcrêpes for every single meal, alternating the savory and the sweet. Yet I’m highlysuspicious when I sneak peeks and smells of these delightful wonders. Thanks to myfriendWikipedia, I learn that lesgalettes arebuckwheat;otherwise thecrêpesaremadewithwheat—orblé.Tragically,thefirstfivecrêperiesIgotoallmakethebléversion.Butsince I have perfected my French phrasing, I continue to ask, “Galette ou blé?”everywhereIgo—hungryornot.Oh,whoamIkidding?I’mstarving.

Here is your French crêpe tip that makes reading this entire chapter worth everysecondof your time:Buckwheat (gluten-free) crêpes aremost likely to be found in theMontparnasseneighborhoodofParis.Bigtouristyareas?Notsomuch.Youcantelljustbylookingifyourcrêpeisbuckwheatortraditionalwheat.Yellowandsmooth?Don’tmakeamove.Brown and spotted?You’ve got it! In spite ofmymediocre rhyming skills, thiscrêpeinformationisthebestinformationyou’lleverhaveasagluten-freetravelerthroughFrance.Ever.Liveit,loveit,eatagaletteorfive.

I don’t think I’m overstating when I use the term “tragically” when I say thattragically,IdiscoveredtheonlybuckwheatcrêpeIhadduringmyentirestayonthedaybefore I left. Perhaps had I made that gluten-free find much earlier, I would have notreached the point where I stopped trying to please everyone with my impeccablerestaurantorderingskillsandinsteadcultivatedaveryFrenchpersona.Insteadofsayings’ilvousplaîtandmerci,Istartedtobarkatwaiters:“Lebeouf!”and“Non!”Itworkedforme.Until I started feeling likeabadpersonand thenwoundupataChinese restaurant

simplypointingtothingsthatdon’t“look”liketheyhadsoysaucealloverthem.Notetoself:MustgetmuchangrierbeforemynexttriptoFrance.

After that banner daywhere Iwent again to a recommended joint thatwas closedonly on Thursdays (what the hell, Paris?), I hobbled into the café atopmyMetro stop(another tip:Don’twear heels for hours ofwalking and sightseeing) hungry, tired, andunwillingtofightwithyetanotherwaiteraboutwater.Iorderdevinrougeand—finally—pulloutmyTriumphdiningcard.Also,Istraightupaskiftheycan’tjustbringmesteakfrites.ItwasmybestmealinParis.

Perhaps you’re thinking that if one just used a Triumph Dining Card throughoutEurope,onewouldbefine.Here’swhyyou’rewrong.Cockywithmysuccessfulmeal,thenext day I set out to buy some lunch to take back tomy apartment. I’d seen all thoserotisserie chickens spinning around and decided this was a gluten-free no-brainer. Istoppedintheveryfirstlovelylookingboucherieandsaid(quiteclearly,Ibelieve)thatIwouldlikeachicken,please.Yes,totallyinFrench!Iswear.Themadameofthejointthenthrewme for a loopwhen she askedwhat size. I pointed and smiled, and hoped Iwasgetting a good-size chicken because what do I know from kilograms? That lady, whoclearly had some unresolved anger issues, proceeded to grab these battered and friedpotato lumpsandshe throws themina takeawayboxalongwith thepoulet. Icould tellthiswasgoingtogobadlysoIsaid,“Non!”(WhichI’vebecomevery,very,goodat,bytheway.)SheturnedandlookedatmelikeIwassomekindofuglyAmericanwhohadnoideathattherulesofchickenincludebatteredandfriedpotatolumps.Which,OK,maybeIwas.Panickedanddeterminedtogetadeliciouschicken,Ithendidwhatanygluten-freehungrypersonshoulddoandfumbled inmypurse formydiningcard toexplainwhyIcouldnotpartakeofthosedeliciouslumpsofgluten.Madametookonelookatthatcardand threwmeoutofherstore.Whichmaybe thefirst timeI’vebeen tossedforgluten-relatedreasons.AtleastthatIknowof.YoujustknowthatwasthebestrotisseriechickeninallofParis.

Parisisanamazingcitythateveryoneshouldvisitatleastonceinhis/herlifetime.Theart,theculture,thefood,andtheromanceofeverysinglestreetcorneryouwanderby—it’s beautiful. But at this point, I was so fucking done and ready formy husband toarrive.Yes,I’mafeministandbigbelieverinindependenttravelfortheladies,butbythenIcouldnotwaitforamantojoinmefortheweekend.Tworeasons—one,hewouldn’tletmeget awaywith this “Well, it looks gluten-free”bullshit, and two, theman canparlefrançais.WhichsimplyremindedmeofsomethingIprobablyshouldhavebeenthinkingallalong:Alwaystakecareofyourselfaswellasthepersonwholovesyoumostwould.Ineededtostartfollowingmyownadviceandstandingupformygluten-freemealswithorwithoutthatlittlecard.CertainlytheadmissionthatperhapsIwaslostwithoutamanwasawakeupcalltothisindependentlady.Untilhearrived.

Lestyouthinkmyhusbandisacluelessglutenlover,I’dliketopointouthehadathirty-six-hourjourneyduetomassivescrewupsbytheairlineandonlyfourhoursofsleepduringthatsametime,whenhewentonacroissant tear thenwantedtomakeoutinthestreet “because we’re in Paris!” And then finally, borrow my toothbrush because hisluggagewassomewhereintheFrankfurtarea.Noneofwhichwasquitesomaddeningaswhenwesatdowntoamealandhedugintothebaguettesaying,“Ohmygod,Icouldeat

thisformywholemeal,that’showgooditis.”Somaybeonlytravelinternationallywithsomeonewhoisalsogluten-freeisallI’msaying.

Therestofmygluten-freeParisiantravelswentlikethis:Iwaspleasantlysurprisedbytworestaurantsthattotallyknewwhatglutenwas.Two!Iwasluckyenoughtomeetacollege friendat anotheramazoids restaurantwhere Iordered something that I assumedwas gluten-free, then she spokewith thewaiter until it was discovered that no, totallyglutenupinthere.(Newtip:MaybefindafluentFrenchspeaker to travelwithwhile inFrance.)FinallyIresignedmyselftothefactthatmygluten-freecrackerspurchasedattheNaturaliafoodmarket,prosciutto,cheese,andgelatowerebasicallythebestwaystogetthroughaParisianvacation.That,myfriends,isnotbad.Notbadatall.

RightaboutnowIcanhearpeoplesaying,“Yo,April.Yourentedanapartment.Whyweren’t you cooking up freshness from the local farmers’market?” First of all, I don’tknowwhyyouthinkyoushouldsoundsostreetwhenyou’retalkingaboutcookingfoodfrom the farmers’ market, and second, because there is shit to do in Paris. In spite oflooking up every single farmers’ market in the region, I wound up cruising the Seine,wandering throughmuseums, and hanging out in the LatinQuarter aswell asmy ownneighborhood ofMontmartre.Althoughmy apartmentwas awesome, Iwasn’t about tospendagood threeor fourhoursshopping,cooking,and justhangingout inside. ItwasParis,baby!AndasImentionedbefore,IwasINit.

NomatterhowmanyridiculouswaysItriedtospeakFrench,gotglutened,orsimplytried to liveongelato andmacaroons, the fact is now I feel confident ingoingback toParisandkickingsomegluten-freebutt.Weallknowthatwelearnmostfromourbiggestmistakes, andminewas simplyunderestimatingmyown fearof asking forwhat IneedandbeingintimidatedbybeautifulFrenchpeople.That,andthewearingofthehighheelswhilewalkingupanddownmountainsmultipletimesperday.Oh,andnotchecking thelocalvacationcustomsbeforeIhauledmyselfacrosstheAtlantic.Otherthanthosepeskymistakes,ItotallyruledParisandI’ddoitagain.

TravelingWITHtheGlutenIntolerant

Maybeyoupickedupthisbookbecausesomeoneyouloveisgluten-freeandyou’retryingtounderstandherchallenges.Thisisyourmoment.Havingtocurbyourowncravingssoastonotoffendagluten-freetravelbuddyisalsonotfun.Infact,itcanbeSOnotfunthatyoumay engage in an argument on theChamps-Élysées that ends in “If you love thatbriochesomuch,whydon’tyoumarry it?”Asthegluten-freepersonin thisequation,Ibegyoutobepatientwithyourpatient.Shedoesnotmeanitwhenshesaysthenexttimeshe takes a trip it will be to a “far, far, away land” where no husbands are allowed.Honestly.Also,shethinksit’stotallysexywhenyoustandupforhergluten-freeself.

Whichbringsme to this sad fact for the travelpartnerof thegluten-free:Youalsomayhave to avoidmakingoutwithyour travelpartner afteryou just ateyour fifteenthFrench pastry. Kind of makes you think about your priorities, doesn’t it? So yeah,travelingwhilebeinggluten-free,orwithsomeonewhoisgluten-free,ishard.Butlookatit thisway: It’s your excuse to eat ice cream every day on vacation!Alternatively you

coulduseyourvacationtimeeveryyeartogosomewhereexoticandlosetonsofweight.Justkidding!Totallydotheicecreamthing.

I hope you’ve learned how to navigate your gluten-free vacation thanks to mymassivemistakesandoccasionalwins.Justincaseyoudofindyourselfgoingtothemostbread-coveredlocationintheworld,herearesomemoretipsthatwillkeepyousafeandsound.

ParisTips

•Don’tgoinJulyorAugust.

•Don’tdownloadFrench/EnglishtranslationappsonyouriPhonethenneglecttogetaninternationalplan.

•Watchoutformotorcyclesand/orrentone.

•Don’tgetdrunkandloseyourhotelkey.

• Learn how to request the check in French if you don’t have two extra hours tospare.It’s this:“L’addition,s’ilvousplaît.”Alsohelpful, learninghowtosay“I’msorry.”It’sthis:“Jesuisdésolé.”

•Don’t try to cram in amillion things leaving youwith no time to sit, relax, andenjoythatgluten-freecoffee,wine,ortequilashot.You’reanxiousenough,whatwiththeglutenthing.

•Rentanapartment insteadofstaying inahotel.You’llhaveyourownkitchensoyoucanshopforfoodandmakeitforyourself.Youknow,ifyou’remoreresourcefulthanIam.Also,refrigeratorsaregoodaboutkeepingyourwineandchocolatesniceandchilled.

•Whenyou’reonvacation,atleastonedayshouldbedevotedtonapping.

Let’sTalkAboutFrites,Baby.ThereareafewwaysyourbeautifulFrenchfriescanturnintoaneveningonthepot.Ifyou’reinAmerica,it’susuallybecauseeverythingelseisbeingfriedinthatoil,includingthe beer-battered shrimp.While in France, that likelihood goes down alongwith everycitizen’scholesterol.YoumaybeOKenjoyingthefritesalloverFrance,butyoushouldstill ask.Sometimes thosedelicious fries aremadeeven fry-ierby taking adip in flourbeforehittingtheoil.Thisisrare(inParis,notTexas),butithappens.

Gluten-FreeinMoreLanguagesThanYouWillEverNeed

Afrikaans—glutenvrye

Arabic—

Basque—zeliakoentzat

Chinese—不含麸质Czech—bezlepku

Dutch—glutenvrij

Esperanto—glutenlibera

Filipino—glutenlibreng

French—sansgluten

Gaelic—glútansaorinaisce

HaitianCreole—glutengratis

Icelandic—glútenfrítt

German—glutenvrei

Italian—senzaglutine

Latin—glutineliberum

Portuguese—semglúten

Russian—клейковины

Spanish—singluten

Swedish—glutenfri

Turkish—glutensiz

Twowords:“fecaltransplant.”

I’ll tellyouallabout thatamazingness inaminute,but first let’s talkaboutthe fact that even though we say gluten-free crackers are just as good as the

regulars,allwereallywanttodoisgetourhandsonsomePremiumSaltines.IknowI’mnot alone herewhen I confess that aftermy celiac diagnosis,my fantasy life switchedfrom romantic encounters in the South of France with a steamy stranger to romanticencounters in the South of Francewith a baguette.Of course I’mgoing towhip up anamazinggluten-freedinnerthatmakesmetotallyforgetIcan’thavethatdelicioustoxin,butI’monlyhuman.Andeverynowandthenthishumanreally,really,reallywantssomemother-scratchin’gluten.

Luckily—I think—as our gluten-free population grows and grows, there aremorecompanies trying tomake itpossible thatwecaneatglutenagain.You’vegotscientistsworking overtime,whether it’s creating a chemical tomake gluten-free bread look likerealbread(Dow)orusingyourDNAtosortoutthemalfunctioningmicrobesinyourgut.Really,it’sanexcitingtimetobeaceliac.Orrather,it’salesspainfultimetobeaceliac.Becausehonestly,whoinherrightmindisexcitedabouthavinganautoimmunedisease?Notthisgal.

Iwas,however,totallyexcitedtotalkwithLarrySmarroftheCaliforniaInstituteforTelecommunications and Information Technology, University of California, San Diego,aboutfecaltransplantsandpootea.No,I’mnotaneighth-gradeboy,butIwassuddenlyfascinated, and admittedly totally disgusted, bywhat couldhappenwhenyou addmorepoopintotheceliacmix.Kindof likedoublingdownonyourdigestivesituation.Smarrexplained the fascinatingworldofmakingyour autoimmunedisease switchoff throughthemagicofhumanwaste.You’repayingattentionnow,aren’tyou?

Ibelieveit’simportanttounderstand—evenmoreforthoseofyouwhodonotsufferfrom some sort of gluten-related ailment—that those of uswho have the yucks are notevenblinkingwhensomeonesays,“Hey,youwant toeatglutenagain?Youtotallycan.First,drinksomepoop.Oh,youdon’twanttodrinkit?Howaboutweputsomeoneelse’spoopupyourbutt?”OK,perhapswe’reblinking.MaybeevenblinkingfuriouslywhenIputitsocolorfully,butwait,it’sawesome.

AdmittedlywhatIspokeaboutwithSmarrisalongwayfrombecomingarealityasatreatment for celiacs. But a girl can dream, and currently I’m dreaming about eating acupcakeafterreceivingafecaltransplant.What?

Here’sthedeal.Afecaltransplantcouldkickthatautoimmuneresponserightoutofyour gut—with no special drugs that youwould need to take every single day. This isabout to get complicated, but if I canwrapmy head around it—and I had anOlympicweightlifterasahighschoolscienceteacher—youcantoo.

Smarr, aka pretty much the smartest man I’ve ever spoken with, has late-onsetCrohn’sdiseaseandavisionofthefutureofmedicine.HecametomyattentionthroughanarticleintheAtlanticthathighlightedhisunorthodoxbutthoroughlyscientificmethodofkeepinghimselfhealthy.Smarrmeticulouslymonitorsevery single thinggoingon inhisbodyatalltimes,usingbloodwork,stoolsamples,studyinghisownDNA,aswellasthemicrobesinhisgut.Itoccurredtomethatthismanwhowasalsodiagnosedlaterinlifewithanautoimmunediseasethataffectsthegutwouldhaverelevantinformationforthoseofuswithsimilarissues.Preparetohaveyourmindblown,people.

AnastrophysicistandcomputerscientistwhodirectedthesupercomputercenterthatbroughttheWebtoAmerica7—yes,youcanthankhimforLOL-Cats;whynot?—Smarrhas been tracking his health through themaps of his body created through his regularinformation gathering via thewholeDNAmapping/stool samples/bloodwork business.Withtheadvancesmadeintechnology,Smarrandothersbelievethatwewillallbeabletobenefit fromdata obtained throughblood samples andgenomic testing. In otherwords,our DNA and blood work can tell us what diseases may be coming our way, how topreventthem,andwhatkindofsymptomsweneedtocombatversuswhatanotherceliacmaybedealingwithinstead,andaheckofalotmore.AsSmarrpointedouttome,everyceliac is different and has different physical symptoms, yet we’re all being treated thesameway.Naturally this goes for other diseases aswell.Although hisCrohn’s diseaseaffects a specific part of his intestines, others are presenting differently and requiredifferentmethods of treatment. Using this information, physicians can switch from thebusiness of treating an ill person to prevention, keeping symptoms of a disease at bay,rather than treating the symptoms once they’re full-blown andmost likely, painful. It’sscience,ya’ll.Anditsoundssuperamazing.

“But,but,but…April,”yousay,“Ialreadyhavethesprue!Whataboutme?”Whichiswherethefecal transplantandthepooteacomein.Thecolon—yourcolon—containsmost of the immune cells for the body. For the celiac, especially the celiac likemyselfwhodevelopstheglutenissueinmythirties,theproblemmaybethatthegutbacteriahaschangedandtriggeredthedisease.Althoughyoucouldlivewiththegeneticmarkersforceliac formanyyears,oneblowto thegut through illness,antibioticuse,orgodknowswhat,andyouarenolongerabletoenjoyacroissant.Changethegutbacteriabacktoa“normal” existence, and thenmaybe you can stop the autoimmune response.As Smarrputsit,“Autoimmuneisaveryspecificsoftwaredisorderinyourbody.”WeneedtocallIT and fix it. Or as Smarr explains, we could potentially undo the “persistent, badecology” inourgutsby introducinghealthymicrobesand letting thebugs“fight itout”throughthemagicofpooteaandfecaltransplants.Which,althoughdisgustingsounding,are actually much less shocking when you realize it’s about changing the microbial

ecosysteminyourgut.OK,stillalittlebitdisgusting,butlet’sbreakitdown.

The real-lifepracticeofusingpoo tea to treatanunhealthyanimalgoessomethinglikethis:You’vegotasickhorsewithamessed-upmicrobialsituation.Takethepoofromahealthyhorse,makeitintotea,havethesickhorsedrinkitsoitmayingestthemicrobesitneeds.OK,sopoo tea isdisgusting,butpoo teacan translate into fecal transplants inhumans,whichistheback-doordeliverysystemofthesesamehealthymicrobes.Areyougettingexcitednow?Youshouldbe!Exceptforthefactthatnooneisactuallydoingthisfor celiac patients at the moment. A few Crohn’s patients are at the forefront of thisresearch,butweareyearsawayfromseeingtrialsonawidespreadbasis.

When Iwas feeling squeamish about the idea of an experimental fecal transplant,Smarrpointedoutfecaltransplantshavealreadybeenusedonpeoplewhohavecontractedthe potentially deadly C. difficile bacterium—with a 90 percent success rate. If thisbacteria,whichalsoaffectsthegut,canbeknockedoutusingafecaltransplant,whynotmymessed-upmicrobesaswell?Nowyouwantafecaltransplanttoo,don’tyou?Hey,it’sbetterthandrinkingpootea.

It’s also worth noting that Smarr mentioned something the paleo diet people sayconsistently:Wewerenotmadetoconsumedairyandgluten,andthepeoplewhocandoitwellareactuallythepeoplewhowereabletoevolvesomewhat.Butformanyofus,it’sdamaging. The theory being, then, that this stuff really isn’t good for anyone, butespeciallynotthoseofuswhoarenotevolved.Wait,werewejustinsulted?

Thiswayofreversingyourdiseaseisalongwayoff.AlthoughI’dactuallypreferamore “natural” solution to this whole celiac thing—you know, more natural than noteatinggluteneveragain—thereareotherinnovationsinceliactreatmentcomingdownthepikethatinvolvethepharmaceuticalindustry.Ithinkit’sclearfrommyenthusiasticuseofrefinedsugar inmyrecipes that I’m totallynotanall-naturalhippie type.Sure, Ipreferorganicfoodthatdoesn’thaveantibioticsandpesticidesallupinit,andyogaiscool.Butif I have a headache, Tylenol will be going in me. I am up-to-date on all of myvaccinations,butIalsobelieveacupunctureneedlescansolveaworldofproblems.OK,ifIstilllivedonafarminOklahomaIwouldbeclassifiedasafull-onalternativelifestylegal.SinceIliveinCalifornia,I’mjustconsideredmiddleoftheroad.

WhichiswhyItotallysigneduptobeaguineapiginaclinicaltrialforamedicationthatcouldhelp theceliacpeoples.Oh, that’s right. I’mcontributing tomedical science!Youlikemealotmorenow,don’tyou?

AlbaTherapeuticsLarazotideAcetate

PerhapsyoutoohaveseentheprintandInternetadslookingforvolunteerswithceliacfora clinical trial, with those cute pictures of cartoon wheat stalks with big round eyes.Maybeyou thought youhadbetter things to dowith your time, even though thewheatwanted to be your newBFF. I apparently do not, and so I decided to go for it.Yep, Isignedupforaclinicaltrialtestingmedicationonceliacs,inspiteofthescreamingfearinmyhead.Whichisprobablythefirstsignthatyou’remakingabaddecision.Avery,very,verybigsignthatpeoplewriteentirebooksabout,soyoushouldreallylisten.However…

Thiswasnotmy first rodeo.When Iwent to school inAustin,Texas, I needed somuchmoremoneyforbeer.Austinalsohappenstohaveathrivingmedicaltestkitchen(orwhatever it is they call it—research?) where you can sign up for experiments and getenoughmoneyfortheweekend.IwillneverforgetthatpainmedicationstudywheremywisdomteethwererippedfrommyheadandIwasgiventheplacebo.Ahhh,memories.Knowingthisceliacstudycouldn’tpossiblybeanymorepainfulthanthatone,IwasonlyuncomfortablewhenIwentintomeetwiththepeoplerunningthestudyandsprainedmywristsigningallof thosewaivers.Just incase it isnotclear thatyou’re takingarisk, ifyouenterintoaclinicaltrial,youhavetoagreethattheywillnotbeheldresponsibleforbabieswithfiveheadscomingoutofyou.Iwastotallycoolwiththat.Becauseyouknowwhatwasonmymind?

•KrispyKreme

•UmamiBurger

•Deep-dishpizza

•Croissants(hell,evenaCroissan’Wich)

•MagnoliaBakerycupcakes

I’llbehonest.IwasnotthinkingofallthegoodIcoulddotheceliaccommunitybyofferingmyself up as a guinea pig. Iwas just thinking, If I don’t get the placebo, I’mtotallyeatingallofthosethings.

I know this is thewrongway to approach,well, anything in life, but especially astudythatistryingtounderstandtheelusive“leakygut”ofaceliacpatientonthegluten-freedietandhelpthoseofuswhoaccidentallyconsumegluten(whichisjustaboutallofus).Bybombingsaidgutwitharoundpastryofsugar-coatedgluten,youkindofaren’tplayingfair.WhichiswhyIwaiteduntil thelastdayofthestudytodoso.OrsoIsay.ThisisalsowhyImakeahorribleceliac.It’slikeI’mjustwaitingforthedayforsomeoneto say tome, “Here’s a pile of gluten; have at it.”Andwhen I say “like,” Imean it isexactly that. Therefore, joining a clinical trial for selfish reasons is something I’m allabout.ItturnsoutIdidbenefitpersonallyfromthiswholething,andsomyselfishdesiresweresatisfied.JustnotinthewayIthoughtitwasgoingtogodown—withagiantpizzagoingintomygullet.

Ofcoursethemedicationontrialwasnotmeanttoallowceliacstoenjoyglutenagainwith abandon; the purposewas for those of uswith pesky symptoms to have a shot atsome relief. Relief Iwasn’t even aware I needed until I started keeping records ofmydaily “activities” and realized that I did get sickwith celiac symptomswaymore oftenthanIthought.Isimplyhadn’tbeenasawarebecausewhenyougofromninepainfultripsto the bathroom every single day down to one or two, it feelsGREAT. Still, that’s notreallysupposedtohappenifyou’refollowingthegluten-freediet.WhichIthoughtIwas.

Rememberallthattalkaboutcross-contaminationandsneakysourcesofgluten?Thisiswhyit’snojoke.Ifyouregularlyengageinunsafeeatingatrestaurantsorinyourhome,youwillcontinue to feel likeass.Even ifyoudon’t feel likeass,yourbodywill ingestgluten,andyourvilliwillbedestroyed.Thiswillleadyoutomuchillness,andeventuallyyou will feel like super-ass. Which is exactly where I was headed—Super-Assville,

Population:Me.Thisrevelationcausedmetogoovermylifestylewithamicroscopeand,hence, discover evenmore hidden sources of gluten thatwere so sneaky, I didn’t evenTHINKaboutthepossibility.(See:gloves,Chipotle;Tylenol,generic;skinnyvanillalatte,Starbucks.)

Friends, I learned a lot by engaging in this clinical trial. One, gluten is an evensneakierbastardthanIrealized,andtwo,participatinginsomethingthatcanhelpallofusisrathersatisfying,evenifIinitiallywentintoitwithvisionsofcupcakesdancinginmyhead.Ikickedmoreglutenoutofmykitchensincediscoveringthesebitsandpieceswereaddingup,yet I still insistonenjoyingamealout inunsafe territory.As someonewhosimplycan’tputmyentirelifeonholdandstayinsidemyhome24/7,I’mgoingtocomeintocontactwithgluten.IfIhaveapillIcantakethatwill lessenthenegativeeffectoftraceamountsofcross-contamination,thenthat’sgreatforsomeonelikeme.Myhopeisthatbythetimethisbookispublishedtheclinical trial isevenclosertocompletionandwe’llseethisdrugonthemarketverysoon.

Butwait,there’smore!

Alvine:ALV003

Therearemultipledrugsbeingdevelopedtohelpusglutenintolerantsbecometolerant,orat least to not be completely immobilized by a glutening. In addition to the trial Iwasinvolvedin,anotherpharmaceuticalcompany,Alvine,isdevelopingadrug(andmovingforwardquitequickly)thatwillhelpbreakdownglutenbeforeyourimmunesystemevenknowsit’sthere.Alvine’sALV003iscurrentlyinevenmoreclinicaltrialsandseeminglyona fast track.Although thissoundsamazing, it’sstill thekindofdrug that isusedforaccidentalglutenconsumption,notoneonwhichyoucangohogwildandbacktoyouroldgluten-eatingways.Still,awesome.

BioLineRX:BL-7010

Another drug in the research stage is BioLineRX’s BL-7010. I spoke with Dr. LeahKlapper,thegeneralmanagerofBioLineRX,andwhatmakesthisstudyinterestingisthatBioLineRX is not a pharmaceutical company per se, more of a drug developmentcompany that bridges the gap between academia and pharmaceutical companies whiledevelopingmedications.Thus, theyhavemore freedom to explore and experimentwithinnovativeapproachesbeforedealingwiththeexpenseofdevelopmentandhumanclinicaltrials.Whichiswhythismedicationisunliketheothers;It’sevenmoresci-filike.Oratleastitistome,thelaypersonwhodidnotevenconsidermedicalschoolonaccountofthebloodandthemath.

The BL-7010 came from work by a scientist in Switzerland and a university inCanada, and insteadofbeingapill to take tobreakdowngluten, it actuallyescorts thegliadinasawholerightoutofyoursystem,likeadoormanataRealHousewivesofNewJersey fashion show. A nonabsorbable polymer that gloms on to the gliadin, which isattached to gluten, this pill removes the gliadin from your body without affecting the

digestive tract and reduces the amount of gluten exposure to the celiac and glutenintolerant.

Sofarmicehavebeentheonlylivingbeingstestedwiththisdrugdesignedtoattachitselftothedevilgluten,andthesetestshaveshownthedrugtobesafeforconsumptionand helpful in removing gluten from the system. BioLineRX’s BL-7010 has yet to betestedonhumans,butthehopeisitwilllessentheimmuneresponsetogluten.Notafull-on“Huzzah!Icaneatglutenagain!”medication,butonethatcouldpotentiallychilloutyourbody’scrazyreactiontoglutenwhenyoudineoutandaren’tsurewhatthey’redoingwiththedessertplatesbackthere.

ImmusanT:Nexvax2

Althoughallofthesepossibilitiesarecertainlyhelpfultothoseofuswhocannottoleratewheat, rye, barley, and triticale, how great would it be if all of us could just eat withabandon? SO great. The treatment that I’m personally super-stoked about is that celiacvaccine that you hear about but just can’t believe is real.Nexvax2 by ImmusanT is inearlytrials,andthegoalistoallowceliacstotolerateglutenagainafteryou’vereceivedaseriesof vaccinations.Since I’malreadyon the allergy shot train for dust,mold, and avariety of other living things, I say add in this one and I’ll enjoy the outdoors and asandwich. The trials are under way, but it will be years before all of the research iscompleted.Staytuned.

Thegoodnewsistherearelotsofpeopleactivelyworkingtomakesurethegluten-free can be gluten-full once again, or at least not as damaged by the accidental—andinevitable—consumption of small amounts of gluten. The bad news is everything is inclinical trialphases,ornotevenclose toclinical trialphases,so it’sgoing tobeawhile.Oh,andtheothergoodnewsiswestillcanbehealthyifwejustfollowthegluten-freedietand eat deliciously (seeChapter 3). I know I totally just destroyedmy rep as a glutencomplainerbysayingthat,butit’skindoftrue.It’sclear(Ihope)thatI’mnoPollyanna,butinsomewaysweareluckythatratherthangoingonmedsfortherestofourlife,wejusteliminateonedeliciousitemforoptimumhealth.Andthat,myfriends, iswheremyPuritan/Oklahoma/martyrgenesmaketheirannoyingappearance.Sosorry,buttheywerebeggingtobeheard.

Introducing…theCrackpots!

Sinceallglutenintolerantsaredifferent,it’simpossibletosaywhichdrug,orwhichcure,orwhichsupplementwillhelpyouwithyourglutenproblems.ButIwillsaythis:Someofthese people have got to be freaking kidding me. Like this guy, for a really stunningexample.

GlutenSensitivityFormulabyTheWiseAlternative

Here’swhereIresorttomytwelve-year-oldselfandcallthisthestupidalternative.Ifyou

have a blog, or a Twitter description, or even a T-shirt that announces your glutenproblem,you’veprobablygottenanemailorblogcommentfromJ&LHealthabouttheirmagicalglutensolution.LedbyDr.JackWiseandaDr.J.E.Block,theseguyssaytheyhavethesolution,ifwejustgivethemalotofmoney.Sendthecash,andamazinglywe’lltotallybeabletoeatglutenagainaftertakingtheirGlutenSensitivity“miracledrug.”AsBlockexplainsinhisYouTubevideosensationinwhichheclaimstohavehealedceliacs,“TherewasnograinintheGardenofEden.”OK,soa)thishastodowithyourdrughow,exactly?Andb)whousesthe“GardenofEden”asascientificargument?IfyouarenotsuspiciousoftheirGlutenSensitivityFormulabynow,readon.

Here’s the deal with the so-called Wise Alternative. These two dudes say theyconductedatrialof150patientswithpeoplewith“glutenproblems.”Later,theyclaimtohavecompletedadouble-blindstudywith twenty-sevenpatients,and100percentof thepatients improved clinically. They say people were able to consume gluten with noproblems,evenceliacs.Sowherearethesepeople,andwhyarewenotallcured?

Let’ssayyou’restillintrigued.Here’swhatTheWiseAlternativeisaskingyoutodo.Simplyhandoveryourcreditcardtobuysomepills—preferablyonetothreebottles—at$149apop.Waitsixmonths,thensendafecalsample(another$99)totheirownlabtobetestedtoseeifyoustillhaveceliac,which,asweknow,isnotexactlyhowonetestsforceliac. Additionally, these are the same people who have testimonials about turmericcuringcancer.So…yeah.

Next!

AlorexCeliacManagement

Lessexpensivebut evenmorevague,youcanbuyAlorexcaplets foronly$14.95.What do you get for $15? It depends onwho you ask. I first stumbled upon an ad forAlorex on a site called FoodAllergySymptomsx.com now defunctwhere the claimwaspretty enticing. According to the ad, one could gain the ability to eat wheat, rye, andbarley. Alorex supposedly “reduces inflammation of the intestines” and “restoresintestine’sabilitytoabsorbnutrients.”ThenIwentonovertoProgressiveHealth.com,andI discovered something different about Alorex. That particular site loves to talk aboutgluten intolerance and all thehorrible things that happen toour bodies, but if you lookclosely,itappearsthatAlorexissimplyavitaminthatwouldreplacethosenutrientsyoulosewhenyou are gluten intolerant or celiac.Vitamins are good, andmost peoplewhohave an adverse reaction to gluten need vitamins on a daily basis. These aren’t evenparticularly expensive vitamins, but it feels a bit disingenuous to talk and talk aboutgluten,whenthereality isyou’resellingavitamin.Just likeeveryoneelseatyour localGNC.

GlutenEase

Apillthatclaimstoabsorbglutenifyouwindupwithahoagieinyourface,GlutenEaseisa supplement that also promises to help your gut. I know a few people who take

GlutenEaseandsayitoffersthemrelief.SincethemakersofGlutenEasethemselvessayit’snotforceliacs,I’mnotgoingtobother.Theamountofglutentheseenzymesabsorbisminimal,soit’sreallylikeputtingsomethingelseinyourbodyforatinyamountofhelp.Youcandecideifit’sworthit,butthisceliacwillskipit.

The bottom line here is this: If these supplements suddenly allowed the glutenintoleranttoeatgluten,wouldn’tthisbebiggernews?Like,heraldedallovertheCeliacDisease Foundation and beyond? Again, I don’t want to slam any and all alternativetreatments, but if someone is trying to make mad cash money off your disease—justassumetheyarenotinitforyourhealth.

Personally I can’twait until I can eat gluten again and am looking forward to anylegitimatemethod thatwould allowme to do so at no risk tomy health, naturally. Ofcourse,nowthateveryoneisonthewheat-hatingbandwagon(see:gliadin=poison),justwhen my celiac is beaten into submission, wheat bread products will be illegal inCalifornia.Ijustknowit.

APrayerfortheGlutenIntolerantOLord/Lordess/HigherPowerWhoIsn’tJudgey,IknowyouhavegreatfaithinmeandthatyouhavesurelynotgivenmemorethanIcanhandle.Afterall,youpromisedtodothat,right?WhichiswhyIpraytoyouforguidanceandassistanceonthislongjourneythrough life without delicious, delicious gluten. But first—a side note: Seriously? YoureallythoughtlifewithoutnormalpizzawasOK?ThatIsomehowdeservedthistypeofculinarydeprivation?Iknowyouareallknowing,butcomeon!

I’msorry,Ogreatone,Ijustgetalittlefrustratedattimes.Nomatter,Iwillneverlosemyfaith because, after all, youmadeus thisway and as those adorable yet ornery-lookingbabiesonposterstellus:“Youdon’tmakenomistakes.”

Anyhoo.

So,master of the universe, I have a few requests.As I carry this burdenof gluten-freeeating through the delicious aisles of bread and pastry, please do something about thefollowingforthoseofuswhosacrificesomuchgluten:

•Thehungerinthebellythatcannotbesatisfiedwithquinoa

•Sampleladieswithcheeseoncrackers

•Visionsofdoughnutsasfarastheeyecansee(thatmightjustbeme;ifso,nevermind!)

•Memoriesofhappier,dinnerroll–filledtimes

•Artisanalbreadcrumbs

•Gluten-filledofficeparties

•France

•Thatfresh-bakedbreadsmell

Sinceyouareall-powerful,Iknowtheserequestsfromahumbleservant—aservantwhototallycan’teat thebest thingsyouhavetooffer,BTW—aresurelydoable.Oh,andifIkeepfaithful,dogooddeeds,blah,blah,blah,I’mjustassumingthatonceIfindmywaytotheeverafter,IWILLbeabletogoglutenagain.Right?Right?!?!?!

Eternallyyours,Gluten-Free4Life(butHopefullyNotAfterLife)

So,youguys.It’sbeenabouttwoyearssinceItoldyouallabouttheevilsofbarleymaltandwarnedyouaboutthosejerkyrelativeswhowon’tbelieveyouaboutthewhole gluten thing. Two years! That means it’s time for an update. Instead of

writingaholidaycardfilledwithmy(andour)achievementsandchallenges,Ithoughtitmightbebetter to justaddonachapteronceGIMBwentpaperback. Just seemedmoreefficientthangatheringupeveryone’saddresses.Also,lesscreepy.

Let’stalkaboutwhat’snew!Well,alotmorepeopleknowwhattheheckglutenis,sothat’snew.AndIgotglutenedaboutfifteentimesbetweenwhenthisbookfirstcameoutandnow,sothathappened,anditsucked.(Itoldyou,Ichoosemyrestaurantsbyclosingmyeyesandpointing toYelp, andyoushouldn’tbeadventurous likeme. I toldyou.) Ialsolearnedtotakemyownadvicere:vitaminsandeatingwell.Mostofthetime.AndthesaddestthingIlearnedwasthatalthoughICANmakegluten-freecrêpesandchicken&waffleseveryday,Iprobablyshouldnot.Whichiswhyyou’llfindsomehealthierrecipesattheendofthischapter;wecanonlyhavegluten-freechicken-friedsteaksomanytimesbefore our arteries start hardening. (I believe that number is 212 times, just FYI.) I’mincorporatingmorevegetablesandlesssugarintomygo-tomeals,andI’mgoingtoshowyouhowyoucandothattoo.

Iknow.I’vechanged.

Alotofotherthingshavechangedinthegluten-freeworldaswell.ItfeelslikeI’mon a crazy gluten-free roller coaster. One minute I’m sitting in New York City eatinggluten-freefancypastaatanactualrestaurantrunbyacelebritychef,andthenextminuteI’m being told that my whole disease is just a cry for attention. It’s crazy, sometimesamazing,andalotoftimesfrustrating.

Let’sbreakthisdown,shallwe?Here’sthelatestinthelifeofthegluten-free.

MoreProducts,MoreProblems

It’s been a while since I was a newbie, standing in front of the gluten-free flour aislegrabbingeveryslickbaglikeitwasthebestkindofstreetsmack.Justlikeajunkie,IwassoscaredofrunningoutofmyfavoritesorghumflouronceI’dsortedouthowtoturnmyblendintomuffins;Iwasconvincedthatthenewstrainwouldbe“lowquality.”OnetimeI

actuallywalkedoutofWholeFoodswitheverysinglepackagedfoodwithagluten-freelabel.Luckily,atthattimetheyonlyfilledtwobagsandjustcostmehalfmymortgage,insteadofall.ButifIweretopullthatstunttoday,I’dbehomeless.Butnothungry!

Gluten-freeiswhereit’sat,andwecanseeitineverypasta,cookie,andcrackeraislewestandinfrontof,jumpingupanddownwithjoy.GeneralMillshasaddedmorethansixhundrednewgluten-freeproducts to itsmix1, and I’mhappily testinganewgluten-freebeerwhat feels likeeverymonth.HavinggivenupdrunkenChexMixpartiesaftermydiagnosis,I’mthrilledtoannounceI’mbackonthat(nowgluten-free)wagon.

Newgluten-freebakeriesarepoppingupinalmosteverymajormetropolis.Andmaildelivery of gluten-free goods is available in those areas that are not so lucky to havegluten-freecupcakesondemand.Speakingofcupcakes,itseemsthatsupertrendisonthewaneandthenaturallygluten-freemacaronsarethe“it”dessertoftheday.Thereisevenagluten-freeGirlScoutcookie.OrsoIhear.Mylocaltroopdidnotgetthememo,whichiswhyIshunthemastheyhocktheircookiewaresoutsideofRalphsonceayearnomatterhowcutetheirlittleoutfitsare.Getittogether,SU505.

Therearesomanyfantasticgluten-freeexpospoppingupalloverthecountrythatitisimpossibletokeeptrackofthenewgluten-free,celiac-friendlyproductsonthemarket.AccordingtoMintel,aconsumerresearchfirm,thegluten-freefoodindustrygrewby44percentbetween2011and2013andwasexpectedtoreachmorethan$7billioninsalesbytheendof2014.2It’sactuallygettingdifficultformetowalkintoarestaurantwherethereISN’Tagluten-freemenuthesedays.(Beforeyouthrowthispaperbackacrosstheroomwhile screaming, “That doesn’t mean it’s safe!!!!” please see the “No Haters” sectionbelowfortheconspartofthisStateoftheGluten-FreeNationaddress.)

Ona recent flightonVirginAmerica, theArtisanCheeseBox includedgluten-freecrackers,justbecause.Therewasno“gluten-free”writtenonthebox—theyjusthadthem.I have heard that you canwalk into amedicalmarijuana store and buy gluten-free potbrownies,myfriends.WhichIwouldrecommend,becauseifyou’revaping,you’regoingtowanttohavesomethinggluten-freeanddeliciouscloseathand.*

This is the great news.Of course, there is a dark side to all of the availability ofgluten-freepackagedfoods, restaurantoptions,and,ofcourse,weed.One,you’regonnagetsuperfat.Two,atsomepointthetrendiescouldleaveusinthedust,andthishasthepotentialtoallgoaway,rightwhenwefindtheperfectgluten-freeNillaWafer.Andthree,gluten-free goodswill put you in the poor house. Those of uswho rely on gluten-freesubstitutes already know it’s hella expensive, but did you realize that gluten-free foodscost242percentmorethanregularol’foods?3That’swhyyourkidwon’tbeabletogotocollege.Soenjoythosegluten-freechocolatechipcookies!

Oh, right, and four, indulging in edibles filled with the ganja is not somethingeveryoneshouldconsider,evenifitisgluten-free.IjustthoughtI’dputonmy“mom”hatand tell you that. You’ve been warned. Also, with all of these amazing gluten-freenarcoticsavailable,we’renevergoingtobeabletoavoidservers,chefs,andfriendswhoaretotallyhighandthinkthey’regivingussomethinggluten-freebut they’re toojackeduptonoticeallthesoysauceinthemarinade.Seriously,didyouknowthat3percentofpeople in theworkforce are high?4 That includes doctors and hospitality staff. Itmight

includegluten-freenonfictionwriters.Butprobablynot.

ButTheyToldMeItWasGluten-Free!

AndnowforawordaboutsafelabelingandtotalB.S.labeling.BeforeTheFoodAllergenLabelingandConsumerProtectionActwasexecutedin2013,andrequiredforbusinessesby August 5, 2014, there was not much (if any) oversight on companies who made“gluten-free”claimson theirproducts.Butnowit’s the law,baby,soIguesscompaniescanget big fines or something if theybreak it. Imean, really, if you’re trying tomakeextramoneybyputtingagluten-freelabelonyourbreadwhenit’sactuallyfullwheat,Ithinkyou’vegototherproblemsthan“fines.”TheFoodAllergenLabelingandConsumerProtection Act “… defines ‘gluten-free’ as meaning that the food either is inherentlygluten-free; or does not contain an ingredient that is: 1) a gluten-containing grain (e.g.,speltwheat); 2) derived from a gluten- containing grain that has not been processed toremovegluten (e.g.,wheat flour); or 3) derived froma gluten-containinggrain that hasbeenprocessedtoremovegluten(e.g.,wheatstarch),iftheuseofthatingredientresultsinthe presence of 20 parts per million (ppm) or more gluten in the food. Also, anyunavoidablepresenceofgluteninthefoodmustbelessthan20ppm.”5

Sowhilewecannowresteasyknowingnooneshouldbesneakingglutenintoourgluten-freegoods,thoseofyouwhofeelthe20ppmrulingisstillnotgoodenoughwillprobablynotbe totallyhappy.Me? I’mhappybecausea loadofexpertsgot together tosortoutthe20ppmquantity(whichisanabsolutelyminisculeamountofgluten—we’retalkingpartspermillion)anddeclareditsafeforceliacs.AsaceliacI’mgoingtobuyintothat.Ifyou’veeverhadabadreactiontosomethingthathaslessthan20ppm,orifyou’rejustnotdownwithppm,thenskipthepackagedgoodsandsticktothenaturallygluten-free items on the edges of your store. Eitherway,my gluten-free friends, we’vemadeprogress.Goforthandspendyourpaycheckongluten-freeitemswilly-nilly,knowingyouwillbesafe.

KaleISMyFriend,andIShouldStopTryingtoHideOurLove

I’m going to admit something here that may put my artery-clogging street cred inquestion: I fucking love those vegetables. That spray mist that happens right after thethunderclapsoundeffectintheproducesection,thebrightanddarkgreensregalintheirpositions,thecrunchoffreshcelerystraightfromthebin…Icouldgoonandon,butthisisalreadygettingweird.

Look,I’mnotheretobumanyoneout,leastofallmyself,butthefactiseatingloadsof vegetables, fruits, grass-fedmeats (if you’re not a vegan/ vegetarian), vitamin-filledgrainswithout gluten, and lots ofwater is the best way to be gluten-free. I know. I’msorry.Asyou’veseenbythewholerestofthisbook,I’mveryintunewiththosefeelingsof deprivation the recently gluten-free possess. And I fought back those feelings withgluten-free fried foods. Ifyou’restill in thatgluten-freegluttonphase, I’mnotgoing to

shameyou.Iwill, instead,shamemyself. Ifchowingdownon loadednachoseverydaywas thebestway tobegluten-free I’dbe the flippin’QueenofGluten-Free,butnachosshouldbea“sometimes”food.Oratleastthat’swhatI’vebeentold.Bymydoctor.AfterIgainedtwentypoundsgoinggluten-free.

So here’s the thing: You can eat well, deliciously, andwith serious flavor by justfocusing on naturally gluten-free foods. I’m not going to lie. There areweekends (likemayberightthissecond)whenIsnackonFritosandthatlovelyFritosBeanDipthatgoessonicelywiththecrunchofachip,butforthemostpart,tobehealthy,feelgood,andnotbloat up like aMacy’sThanksgivingDayParadeballoon, stick to the naturals.LuckilyI’m providing all of these new recipes at the end of this chapter to help youwith thatjourney.Ofcourse,Iincludedessert.Butatleasttwoofthosedessertsincludefruitsandvegetables.Sure,oneofthedessertsisagluten-freeDingDong,butwhatdoyouexpectfromme?Iamnotamachine,youguys.

GimmeDrugs

Now,let’sreviewvitaminsandthelike.I’vealreadytalkedabouttheimportanceoftakinggluten-freevitaminswhenyou’reglutenintolerantandceliac.Evenifyou’refollowingthegluten-freediet,you’regoingtohaveaccidentsthatcouldknockyoubackout,andyou’regenerally in need of more support. I mean, I’m not trying to tell you that you’re nothealthy,but…OK,let’sbehonest:We’renotthehealthiestgroupatthefarmers’market.Themedicallygluten-freehaveproblems,andsomeofthoseproblemscomeintheformofmalnutritionandproblemswithvitaminandmineralabsorption.Hopefullyyourdoctoror a nutritionist already talked to you about this—and I know I did in the previouschapters—butifyou’relikeme,youneedtohearitagainandagainandagain.

Sohereitis:Eatfoodsthatarechock-fullofthevitaminsandmineralsyourbodysodesperately needs.MyBFF, kale, is an excellent vegetable to fill some of your needs.You’re also going to want some of those superfoods like blueberries and quinoa andavocado.Getthosevitamin-packedfoodsrightintoyourdietalongsidealoadofwatertomakethatmachinerunsmoothly.Whileit’sbesttoaddthosefoodstoyourdiet—vitaminsarenotgoingtomakeyoufeelasgoodaseatingvitamin-enrichedfoodswill—ifyou’resomeonewithanautoimmunediseaseorproblemswithdigestion,you’vealsogottotakeyourmultivitamins.AndalsoyourcalciumandyourpotassiumandyourB-vitaminsandyouromega-3s.Andespeciallytheonethingthatcanreallymakeadifferenceinthewayyoufeelday-to-day,butIoftenoverlook:yourprobiotics.You,ofallpeople,havetokeepyourguthealthy.Ipreferthekindthatstaysintherefrigeratorbecauseit’sgotalotoflivecultureshappening.SinceI’vebeentakingprobioticsregularly,I’vefeltmuchbetterinthedigestivedepartment.Whenyou travel, count thosebabiesout and take themwithyou.Youdon’twanttogetsickwhenyou’reonvacationorawayforwork.Youwanttobeatyourbest.Takethosemotherscratchin’vitamins,youguys.Doit.

Oh,right,andonemorething:exercise.Iknow,Ican’tbelieveIjustsaidthateither.Ihateexercise.I’veneverexperiencedthatrunner’shighortherushofendorphinsafteraparticularly exciting spin class (although, admittedly I’ve never gone to a spin class onaccountoftherumorsI’veheardaboutvaginapain).Exercisehasalwaysbeenachorefor

me,evenwhenIwasplayingsports.Today,however,IamadmittingtoyouthatIneedtoexercise,andI’mtellingyouthatyoudo,too.Pleasedon’tpeltmewithgluten-freerolls.

Thethingaboutme,andalotofyouwhosufferfromanautoimmunedisease,isthatmy joints get inflamed during times of glutening and stress. It’s your basic arthritissituation,anditdoesnotfeelgreat.WhileIcanrubmentholgelsallovermybodyuntilthe cows come home, that’s not really a day-to-day option. Nor is popping ibuprofen,since that’shardon theol’celiacstomach.Theonlyway tohelpourbodiesstaystrongduringthisfightistomakethemstrong.

Personally, I’m never going to be amarathon runner nomatter howmany times IswearI’msigningupforone.Youmayloverunningandgetthathigh(luckydog),oryoumightfindswimmingtobeyourjam.Whateveryourfavoriteformofexerciseis,Isuggestyoudo it regularly tokeep that compromisedbody in thebest shapeyoucan. I hate tokeepharpingonthis,butwearenot100percentwell.Weneedallthehelpwecanget,andkeepingeverythingelseworkingandhealthywillgoalongwaytoourincreasingqualityoflifeandlongevity.

After avoiding everypossiblegymand exercise trend, I’ve finally comearound toyogaandPilates;theyaretrulygreatwaystokeepyourjointsloose,strong,andhealthy.DoIlovethem?Icoulddowithoutallthe“om”ing,andthesweating,andthedrivingtotheplacestoexercise.Sothatanswerwouldbeno.ButIknowmybodyneedsit,andifIwant to continue livingmy super-fun life, I’ve got to get it together.You do, too. I’msorry.Now,let’stalkaboutfoodagain!

Eat three timesaday,andnoton therun.Makesureyouusefoodasfuel foryourbeaten-downbodyso it runswhenyouneed it torun. IknowIsoundlikeyourmother,and I knowyou really justwant to get to theDingDong recipe, but I can’t emphasizeenough the importance of good food going into your gluten-free body. If you’re reallystruggling,Isuggestyoustartadreamboardandfillitwithpicturesofkale.

WeCanEatWhiteVinegarNow!Hooray?

I, probably like you,was told a load ofB.S.when Iwent gluten-free (see “More LiesAboutGluten”onthispage).Alotofthoselieswerestartedbywheatindustrygroupies,I’m pretty sure, but some were long-held beliefs that had not been thoroughly tested.ThankgoodnessformyfavoriteItalianever,Dr.AlessioFasano,whohasbeenknockingdownglutenmythsleftandright,mostrecentlyinhisbookGlutenFreedom.Oneof themoresurprisingfindsbyDr.Fasano,asoutlinedinhisbook,isthatwenolongerhavetobe afraid of white vinegar. Hooray! Easter egg dyeing is back on the table. But moreimportant,fortheadults,isDr.Fasano’sstatementthatboozethathasbeendistilledisA-OKfortheceliac.Nowdoyouseewhyhe’smyfavoriteItalian?

There has been so much chatter about vodka, bourbon, and various other spiritshaving gluten (again, see “More LiesAboutGluten” on this page), and the fact is theprocessthatmakesthesegrains,roots,andsometimesfruitsandvegetablesintoalovelyliquidthatwillgetyouloadedissafefortheceliac.This,ofcourse,doesnotincludeanyflavoredliquorsthatincludebarleymalt.Butifyou’rejustlookingforamartini,gocrazy.

Or don’t. Honestly, if you don’t feel good after drinking Scotch or vodka, pleasedon’tdrinkit.I’mnottalkingaboutthe“don’tfeelgoodafterdrinkingfivemartinis”kindofnot feelinggood,but I’msure that’sgoodadvice too.What I’msaying is that ifyouindulge inanOldFashionedandyou feelglutenbombedafter, stayaway from theOldFashioned.Whilescience(andatopresearcher)issayingthatspiritsaresafeforus,youknowyourbody. Iwouldneversuggest“just trying”a food,drink,orotherwise ifyourpastexperiencehasbeendecidedlynegative.That’sjustmean.WhatIamsayingisthis:Ifyou’vebeenfrightenedbytheInternet,arealdoctorwithoutthelastname“Google”hasgivenyoutheall-clear.

Get ready formore goodnews, gluten-free types.Although this goodnews comeswithamajorcaveat,it’sstillexcitingtoknowthatcaramelcolorproducedintheUnitedStatesisgluten-free.AccordingtoShelleyCase,whoisalicenseddieticianonthemedicaladvisoryboardsoftheCeliacDiseaseFoundation,theGlutenIntoleranceGroup,andtheCanadian Celiac Association, while companies can use barley malt in caramel color,manufacturers in the United States are opting for corn.6 Even in Europe, where wheatstarchisused,theprocessissuchthatcaramelcolorproducedoverseasisalsogluten-freefor theceliac.Bringon thosecaramel latteswithwhippedcream,barista!That caveat Imentioned?Casemadethisstatementin2014,andIhavenoideawhatyearyou’reinasyou read these words.Manufacturingmethods can, and do, change. Always check thelabeland/orcallacompany tomakesureyourcaramelcolor isgluten-freeandsafe foryoutoguzzle.

WeCanMakeSandwiches

Oh yes, thatwhite vinegar thing?Enjoy a ham and cheesewithmustard.Whilewe’vebeen avoiding mustards that are made with vinegar, those days are over! Unless thatmustard has a (gluten-filled) beer ingredient, Dr. Fasano sayswhite vinegar is safe forceliacs, and I will listen to that expert. Although, personally, I scarfed down a fewmustard-coveredgluten-freesandwichesbeforeIheardthewordthatIwouldn’tgetsick,and now I know why I was fine. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Substitutemayonnaise?I’mnotananimal.

NoHaters(OK,5BazillionHaters…)

Andnowfor thebadnews:Asgluten-freegrowsinpopularity, therearea lotofpeoplewho are seemingly really cheesedoff about this state of affairs.Havinggrownupon awheatfarm,Icanattestthatitisnotfellowwheatfarmers’daughterswhoareleadingthiscrusade, which basically comes down to this: You’re gluten-free? I FUCKING HATEYOU.

Thisishappening,people.Andyou’veprobablybeenonthebusinessendofthishateatonepointinyourgluten-freelife.I’lltellyouaboutmylatest,whichwasactuallyprettymild.Iwasenjoyingalovelygluten-freemealataclosefriend’sweddingwhenanotherguest (knowing that glutenwas, indeed,my bitch) askedme ifmymeal was safe and

delicious.Sonice!Whatwasnotsonicewastheladysittingrightnexttomewhoturnedtothepersonaskingthequestionandsaid,“Youdon’treallybelieveallofthatgluten-freebusiness, do you?” Since I was closest in location to the lady, I politely informed her,“Well, I do. I have celiac disease, and I’ll get incredibly ill if I eat gluten.” Instead ofacknowledgingthatmaybetherewassomeonewithaninformedopinion(infact,theonlypersonintheroomtowhichthisquestionevenmattered),theoldgalturnedbacktotheoriginalinquirerandsaid,“Well,doyou?”Iwasall,“Bitch,givemeyourmoney.”ExceptIwasn’t,becauseIwasataweddingintheHamptonsandyouknowthatwouldNOTgooverwell.Instead,Ilookedacrossatmyfriendswhoweresurroundingmeandrolledthehelloutofmyeyes.

Thisstoryissuchaminoroneinthefieldoffamoustalkshowhostsshovingpieintothefacesofthegluten-free(OMG,SOFUNNY.Not.)andchildren’stelevisionshowsthatadvocate for the bullyingof the gluten-free.While I don’t like to dealwith hostile andaggressivepeoplewho think thewholegluten-free thing is a personal affront, theywillcontinue toexist longafter they(hopefully)develop thedebilitatingsymptomsofceliacdiseaseoranautoimmunedisorder.Ikid.Sortof.

Idon’twant tocompareus to theKardashians,but let’sgo there just forasecond.WhentherealityshowKeepingupwiththeKardashiansfirstaired,peoplewereintriguedbyamotherwhohadbeenmarriedtooneofO.J.Simpson’slawyersforthemurdertrialofO. J.’swife andher friendRonGoldman.The lawyerwho looked like he could notfreakingbelieveitwhenMr.Simpsonwasfound“notguilty”bythejury.Whowerethesepeople?Wasthisastrugglingmomjusttryingtomoveoutofaverychallengingsituationafterherhordeofbeautifuldaughters (plusoneso-so sonand twomoredaughterswiththeirstepfather)losttheirfather?Weallwantedtoknow.AddintheBruceJennerfactortomakeitamodern-dayBradyBunchandwow,whatisshakingupinCalabasas?Then,assoonaswerealizedthiscrewofbrunettebombshellswasgoingtosaturateeveryinchofmedia,weturnedonthem.Yep,evenKhloe.Staywithme.

Yousee,whentherewasasmall,andveryquiet,groupofceliacsufferersandgluten-intolerantoutliers, itwaseasytopat themontheir littlegluten-freeheadsandmoveon.Youfeltsorryforthiscrewofpeoplewhowouldneverhaveabaguetteagain,butmostly,youdidn’tthinkaboutthematall.Whichisnormal.

Thencametheperfectstormof increasedceliacdiagnosisviaawareness, thePaleomovement,andadramatic increase in foodallergydiagnoses.Nownormalpeoplecan’tget away from this crazy talk!They’repretty surePresidentObama is coming for theirgluten, and they are not happy.Naturally, they turn on those of uswho are embracing(forcedintoembracing,butstillembracing)thegluten-freelife.JustasawarenessoftheKardashiansmadepeoplelashoutagainstvocalfry,awarenessofglutenmadepeoplelashoutagainstthoseofuswhosay,“No,thanks”toFrenchfriesmadeinthesamevatasthatbreadedchickensandwich.They’redonewithus.Allofus.

ButjustliketheKardashians(yes,I’mstillbeatingthehelloutofthisanalogy),youhatershavegottounderstand:Thegluten-free(andtheKardashians)don’tgivetwoshitsaboutyou.Notevenoneshit,honestly.

Maybeweshouldallletthegluten-eatersinourlifeknowthatnooneiscomingfor

theirgluten.Nooneisgoingtomakeyourgluten-yfriendseatgluten-freepizzawhenyoudineouttogether.NooneisgoingtobancroissantsintheU.S.A.Therearemoregluten-eatersthantherearegluten-pukersandthedominantthemewillalwaysbetheunlimitedbreadbasket.

So tell the gluten-free haters to relax. They’re fine. Us, however?We’re likely topoopourpantsatanygivenmoment.I’dsaytheyhavetheupperhandhere.

TheBigGlutenPicture

The gluten-free space is changing rapidly. While it seems to be changing to be moreaccommodatingtothoseofuswhohavetoditchthegluten,withthatcomessomeanxietyaswell. Sure it’s great that people knowwhat gluten is, but it’s also a prime target forjokesmadeatourexpense.It’salsoawaytobesingledout,bullied,andgenerallymadetofeel “less than.” Forget all that. Go get yourself some kale, crack open this book, findsomeama-zoidsrecipes,andgoaboutthebusinessofbeingyou.

FORTHEHEALTHYTYPES

Onceyou’vehadyourfillofBeefBrisketFritoChiliPie(thispage),you’regoingtowantto fill up your gluten-free gullet with foods that are a bitmore healthy. At the risk ofalienating both the Paleo and the vegan crowds, I define “healthy” as “everything inmoderation”and“eatyourvegetables,likealot.”

Mostoftherecipesherearebreakfast,lunch,anddinneroptionsthatIhaveaddedtomyweeklyrotationsinceI’mmuchmoreinterestedinfillinguponvegetablesandproteinand not deep-fried gluten-free dough.The desserts, obviously, are not as healthy as themain course and breakfast dishes. Since I insist on still eating dessert, I included“healthier”optionsthansay,mygrandmother’sChessPie(thispage).Bonappetit,GFers.

Baked&StuffedAvocados

I love this for breakfast because it combines loads ofmy favorite things, and it’s alsofilling!PlusIcanbeall,“Iateafruit/vegetableforbreakfast,everybody!”becauseIstilldon’tunderstandwhatanavocadoreallyis.

Preptime:10minutesCooktime:15minutes

Makes:4servings

INGREDIENTS2barelyripeavocados,pitted

4eggs

Cayennepepper

Seasalt

2tablespoonsgratedHavarticheese

1.Preheattheovento425°F.

2.Placeeachavocadohalfinaramekinorsmallbakingdish.Crackaneggintothehollowineachavocadohalf.Sprinklewithcayennepepperandseasalttotasteandcoverwiththecheese.

3.Bake for 15minutes, or until the egg is done.Remove from the ramekins and servewarm.

AlmondButter&AppleSandwiches

I almost feelguiltycalling this a recipe,because it’s really just assembling sandwiches.But it makes for a delicious, healthy snack, so start apple cutting and almond butterspreading,youguys.

Preptime:5minutes

Makes:4servings

INGREDIENTS2firm,crispapples(Gala,Honeycrisp,andFujiarethebest)

2to3tablespoonsalmondbutter

Honey

1.Laytheapplesontheirsidesandcutthemintoslicesapproximately1/3inchthick,sothatyougetfiveorsixslicesfromeachapple.Cutoutthecenterstoremovetheseedsandthecore.

2.Spreadabout2teaspoonsalmondbutteratoponeappleslice,anddrizzlehoneyontopofthealmondbutter.

3.Topthecoatedappleslicewithaplainappleslicetomakea“sandwich.”Repeatwiththeremainingslices.

4.Serveimmediatelyorsaveforaperfectmiddaysnack.

BerryRefreshingSmoothie

Here’s the reason I’mnot sohighon smoothies: Ihatebananas, and Ihateyogurt.Youprobablydonot.Butifyou’relikeme,trythisversionforamid-afternoonpick-me-upora first-thing-in-the-morningpick-me-up.Also,bringa toothpickonaccountof theberryseedsthatwillbestuckinyourteethafterdrinking.

Preptime:10minutes

Makes:4servings

INGREDIENTS2cupsraspberries

½cupstrawberries,hulled

1cuporangejuice

1cupraspberrysorbet

Juiceof2limes

2cupsice,plusmoreifneeded

1.Inablenderorfoodprocessor,pureetheraspberriesandstrawberriesuntilsmooth.

2.Addtheremainingingredientsandpulseon“smoothie”setting(or“liquefy”)untilthemixturereachesthedesiredtexture.Addmoreicetothickenit,ifdesired.

3.Serveinatallglasswithastraw.

CoconutRicewithToastedAlmonds

Thisisafabbreakfastwhenyou’refeelingnostalgicaboutthedaysofoatmeal.Youcouldalsoserveitasasidedish,butI’mafanofabigbowlofsteamyricefirstthinginthea.m.

Preptime:5minutesCooktime:20minutes

Makes:4servings

INGREDIENTS2cupslong-grainwhiterice

1cupcoconutmilk

½cupsliveredalmonds

Honey

1.Inamediumsaucepanoverhighheat,combine2cupswater,therice,andcoconutmilkandbringtoaboil.Turntheheatdowntolowandcookfor15to20minutes,oruntiltheliquidisabsorbedandthericereachesthedesiredfluffiness.

2.Whilethericeiscooking,heataskilletoverhighheat.Toastthealmondsintheskilletfor2to3minutes,stirringconstantly,untillightlytoasted.

3.Servethericeinbowlssprinkledwiththetoastedalmondsanddrizzledwithhoney.

Avocado&KaleSalad

Oneofmy favorite restaurants inLosAngeles servesanavocadoandkale salad that istragicallynotsafeformetoeatduetosomeflash-fryingthatgoesonbehindthescenes.Ipracticedre-creatingitswonderusingmyhusbandasatastetester,andthisappearstobethewinningcombination.

If you’re concerned about the ranch dressing component, use a light version, ormaybejustdon’tthinkaboutitwhileenjoyingthisdish.

Preptime:15minutesCooktime:5minutes

Makes:4servings

INGREDIENTS¼cupvegetableoil

1bunchkale,stemsremovedandleaveschopped

2cupsBrusselssprouts,trimmedandquartered

1avocado,pitted,peeled,andcubed

2tablespoonsgluten-freeranchdressing

2tablespoonsroastedpepitas

Salt

Freshlygroundblackpepper

1.Heattheoilinalarge,deepskilletoverhighheatuntiltheoilbeginstopop.

2.Workinginbatchesandmaintainingasafedistancefromthehotoil,useametalstrainerwithalonghandletodropthekaleandBrusselssproutsintotheoil,removingthemafter30 to 45 seconds. Transfer the flash-fried vegetables to a paper towel–lined bowl aftercooking.Continuewithremainingvegetables.

3.Transferthedrainedvegetablestoamediumservingbowl.Addtheavocadoandranchdressingandtossthoroughly.

4.Sprinklethepepitasontopandseasonwithsaltandpeppertotaste.Serveimmediately.

GrilledVegetableSalad

Grillingrootvegetables isagreatwaytofeel likeyou’reeatingsomethingheartywhiletotallybeingridiculouslyhealthy.Hey,gocrazyandmixitupwiththeseasonsandswapoutgrilledspringveggies.Iwon’ttell.

Ifyoudon’thaveanoutdoorgrill,youcanalsoroast in theovenand/orbreakoutthatGeorgeForemanthat’sbeentakingupspaceinthebackofthebottomcabinet.

Preptime:10minutesCooktime:15minutes

Makes:4servings

INGREDIENTSFortheGrilledVegetables:2clovesgarlic,finelychopped

1redonion,slicedinrounds

1largesweetpotato,peeledandslicedinrounds

1acornsquash,peeledanddiced

4parsnips,quartered

1beet,peeledandslicedinthinrounds

1tablespoonvegetableoilplusmoreforthegrill

Salt

Freshlygroundblackpepper

1bunchmesclungreens

FortheDressing:Juiceof1lemon

1tablespoonextra-virginoliveoil

Salt

Redpepperflakes

1.Make thevegetables: Ina largebowl, combine thegarlic,onion, sweetpotato, acornsquash, parsnips, and beet.Tosswith 1 tablespoon vegetable oil and salt and pepper totaste.Allowtomarinatefor10minutes.

2.While the vegetables aremarinating, lightly grease the grill in two areaswith a thinlayerofvegetableoil.Allowthegrilltoheatonhighfor5minutes,thenturntheheattomediumononeside.

3.Transferthevegetablestothehotareaofthegrillandsearonbothsides,1minuteperside.Transferthevegetablestothecoolerareaofthegrillandcookfor10to15minutes

longer,oruntiltender.Removethevegetablesfromtheheat.

4.Makethedressing:Inaliddedjar,combinethelemonjuice,oliveoil,andsaltandredpepperflakestotaste.Shakewellanddressthemesclungreensinalargesaladbowl.

5.Make the salad: Add the roasted vegetables to the greens and toss. Servewhile thevegetablesarestillwarm.

Fennel-CitrusSalad

Eitheryoulovethestrongflavoroffenneloryoudon’t.Iabsolutelyadorefennel,soIliketokeepthissimpleandcleansothedistinctflavorisnotoverpowered.Thisisalsooneofthoseprettysaladsyoucanbustoutataspringpicnicandeveryonewillthinkyou’resuperfancy.

Preptime:10minutes

Makes:4servings

INGREDIENTSFortheSalad:1bulbfennel,stemsremovedandslicedinthinstripslengthwise

1bunchescarole

2tangerines,peeledandsegmentsseparated

¼cuptoastedsliveredalmonds

FortheDressing:½cupredwinevinegar

½cupextra-virginoliveoil

1clovegarlic,crushed

Salt

Freshlygroundblackpepper

1.Makethesalad:Inamediumbowl,tossthesaladingredientstogether.

2.Makethedressing:Inaliddedjar,combinethevinegar,oil,garlic,andsaltandpeppertotaste.Shakewellandtasteforseasoning.

3.Dressthesaladandserveimmediately.

RoastedGazpacho

Yes, I realize the point ofmaking gazpacho is to avoid using your oven in the heat ofsummer,buttheroastedflavoriswhatsetsthisrecipeapart.Theavocadomakesitabitmoresubstantial,soyoucanactlikeyou’rehavingarealmealandnotjustsoup.

Preptime:15minutesCooktime:25minutes

Makes:6servings

INGREDIENTS2poundstomatoes,halved

1redonion,thinlysliced

1redpepper,coredandquartered

1zucchini,halved

1clovegarlic,finelychopped

4tablespoonsoliveoil

¼teaspoonseasalt

¼teaspoonfreshlygroundblackpepper

1avocado,pitted

¼teaspoonredpepperflakes

Tortillachips,crushed,forserving

1.Preheattheovento450°F.

2.Placethetomatoes,onion,pepper,zucchini,andgarliconabakingsheet,evenlyspacedtoavoidcrowding.Pour1 tablespoonoilevenlyover thevegetables.Lightlyseason thevegetables with the salt and pepper and roast for 25 minutes, stirring occasionally.Removetheroastedvegetablesfromtheovenandallowthemtocool.

3.Inablenderorfoodprocessor,pureetheroastedvegetables,halftheavocado,theredpepper flakes,and theremaining3 tablespoonsoil todesiredconsistency,adding½cupwatertoachievedesiredresult(Irecommendkeepingitslightlychunky).Tasteandadjusttheseasoning.Chillintherefrigeratorforatleast15minutesorupto1hour.

4.Servewithcrushedtortillachipsandtheremainingavocadoslicedontop.

BroccoliSoup

This isoneof thosevegansoups thatyoucaneatwhenyou’re feelingguiltyabout thatgluten-free pizza binge youwent on allweek.Ormaybe that’s justme. If youwant tostray from the vegan theme, you can use chicken stock and finish the soup with asprinklingofParmesan.

Preptime:15minutesCooktime:40minutes

Makes:8servings

INGREDIENTS1tablespoonoliveoil

1sweetonion,diced

1largerussetpotato,peeledanddiced

4cupsgluten-freevegetablestock

1largeor2smallheadsbroccoli

½teaspoonredpepperflakes

2teaspoonsseasalt

1teaspoonfreshlygroundblackpepper

1.HeattheoilinaDutchovenovermediumheat.Addtheonionandcookuntilsoftened,about10minutes.

2.AddthepotatoandstocktotheDutchovenandturntheheatuptohigh,bringingthemixturetoaboil.Reducetheheattomedium-lowandcookfor10minutestosoftenthepotato.

3.Preparethebroccolibydiscardingthestalksandcuttingthefloretsintosmallpieces.

4.AddthebroccoliandredpepperflakestotheDutchovenandcookfor15minutes.

5. Remove the soup from the heat and add the salt and pepper. Allow to cool for 10minutes before transferring to a food processor or blender and blending until smooth.Servewhilewarm.

Radicchio,WhiteBean&BaconSoup

I lovewhitebeans. Iwouldeat themonalmost anything, in anything,mashed into anyshape.Whenyoucombineradicchioandbaconwithwhitebeans,well,it’sjustaboutthebest soupyou’ll everhave. (Note:Goveggieby losing thebaconandusinggluten-freevegetablestockinsteadofchicken.)

Preptime:15minutesCooktime:35minutes

Makes:6servings

INGREDIENTS½cupoliveoil

½sweetonion,diced

2teaspoonschoppedfreshthymeleaves

2clovesgarlic,finelychopped

½cupdrywhitewine

1teaspoonseasalt

1teaspoonwhitepepper

1mediumheadradicchio,roughlychopped

3(15-ounce)canswhitebeans,drained

4cupsgluten-freechickenstock

4stripsbacon,cookedandcrumbled

1.HeattheoilinaDutchovenovermediumheat.Addtheonion,thyme,andgarlicandcookfor5to7minutes,untilthegarlicandonionaresoft.

2.Addthewine,salt,andpepperandcookfor5minutes.

3. Turn the heat down to low and add the radicchio. Cover and allow to steam for 5minutes.

4.Turntheheatuptohighandaddthebeansandstock.Bringtoaboil,thenreducetheheattolowandcookfor20minutesoruntilthesouphasreachedthedesiredconsistency.Addwaterandseasonwithmoresaltifnecessary.

5.Servethesoupinbowlstoppedwiththebaconcrumbles.

GrilledShrimpKabobs

Kabobsaretheeasiestthingever.Youputmeatonastickandputitonthegrill.Theonetricktoavoidburningthosekabobsticksistosoaktheminwaterforafewhoursaheadoftime.So start your kabobprep early!Orusemetal sticks, andbe sure youdon’t forgetyourovenmitts.

Preptime:10minutesCooktime:5minutes

Makes:6servings

INGREDIENTS1poundjumboshrimp,shelledanddeveined

2clovesgarlic,finelychopped

2tablespoonsfreshparsleyleaves,finelychopped

1tablespoonfreshlemonjuice

¼teaspoonseasalt

¼teaspoonfreshlygroundblackpepper

2greenbellpeppers,cutinto1-inchsquares

1.Tosstheshrimp,garlic,parsley,lemonjuice,salt,andpepperinalargebowluntiltheshrimparethoroughlycoated.Setasidetomarinatefor10to15minutes.Meanwhile,heatthegrilltomedium-high.

2.Loadupyourkabobskewers,alternatingtheshrimpandbellpeppers.

3. Grill the kabobs until the peppers have a light char and the shrimp is no longertranslucent but is bright pink, approximately 2 minutes per side. Be careful not toovercook.

4. Remove the kabobs from the grill and serve on the stick or off, depending on yourpreference.

VeggieTempura

Idiscoveredthisistheonlywaymysonwilleatvegetables,whichItotallyget.Sure,it’sfrying,butit’salsolotsofvitaminsandminerals.Sogetonthismethodifyou’retryingtotrickakidintoeatingvegetables,orifyoujustlovetempuraandaresosadtobemissingitwhenyoudineout.

Preptime:15minutesCooktime:5minutesperbatch

Makes:4servings

INGREDIENTS2cupscanolaoil

6cupsriceflour

1eggwhite

4cupsseltzer

2zucchini,quartered

1yellowsquash,quartered

1sweetpotato,cutinrounds

1(8-ounce)blockfirmtofu,cutinsquares

Hotmustard,fordipping

Wheat-freetamari,fordipping

1.Heattheoilinadeepskilletordeepfryerovermedium-highheat.

2. Ina largebowl,whisk together the rice flour,eggwhite,andseltzeruntilcompletelysmooth.

3.Workinginbatches,submergethevegetablesandtofuintheflourmixture,coveringthevegetablescompletelybeforeremovingandtransferringthemtothehotoil.Don’tcrowdtheskillet;you’llneedtoflipthevegetableshalfwaythrough.Cookevenlyfor5minutes,oruntilgoldenbrown.

4.Remove thevegetables from theoil anddrainonapaper towel–coveredplate.Servewithhotmustardandwheat-freetamari.

BBQChickenMeatballs

Sticka fancy toothpick inanything,andyou’vegotabang-upappetizer.For theeasiestpreparation,usegluten-freeBBQsauceinajar.Onabiggamedayormovienight,thesearecrowdpleasers.IthinkImighthaveeateneightinonesitting,somindyourselfifyouhavecompanyandtryhardtoshare.

Preptime:15minutesCooktime:25minutes

Makes:8servings

INGREDIENTS1poundgroundchicken

3tablespoonsgluten-freebreadcrumbs

1egg,lightlybeaten

1teaspoonseasalt

1teaspoonfreshlygroundblackpepper

2cupsgluten-freeBBQsauceplus½cupforserving

1.Preheattheovento400°F.

2.Inalargebowl,combinethegroundchicken,breadcrumbs,egg,salt,andpepper.Mixwell,usingyourhandsifyouwant.

3. Form themixture into small balls approximately 1 inch in diameter and place on ashallow,lippeddish.

4.Pour2cupsoftheBBQsauceoverthemeatballsandletthemmarinateforatleast10minutes.

5.Placethemeatballsonagreasedbakingsheetandbakefor25minutes.

6.Removethemeatballsfromtheovenandservewiththeremaining½cupBBQsauce.

SweetPotatoGnocchi

My brother sent me this recipe because he went Paleo for like, one week. Still, it’sawesome,andnowIfeelfancybecauseIcanmakegnocchi!Thetrickwithsweetpotatognocchi is towatchwhile you’remixing in your dry ingredients. Some sweet potatoeshavemore moisture than others and require more gluten-free flour. Others just need alittle.Iprefermygnocchiwithpesto,butyoudoyou.

Preptime:20minutesCooktime:1hourplus5minutesperbatch

Makes:8servings

INGREDIENTS1largesweetpotato

1cupall-purposegluten-freeflour,plusmoreifnecessary

1teaspoonbakingsoda

1teaspoonseasalt

1teaspoonwhitepepper

1eggwhite

1tablespoonbutter

1.Preheattheovento450°F.Pokeholesinthesweetpotato,wrapitinfoil,andbakeitfor1houroruntilsoft.Removefromtheovenandallowtocool.

2.Removetheskinfromthesweetpotatoandtransferthefleshtoamediumbowl.Addthe flour, baking soda, salt, and pepper and mix until smooth. Add more flour if themixtureissticky.

3.Whisktheeggwhiteuntilfrothyandfoldintothepotatomixture.Coverinplasticwrapandrefrigerateforatleast30minutes.

4. Sprinkle flour on a large cutting board or a clean, even surface. Working withapproximatelyonelargehandfulofsweetpotatodoughatatime,rolldoughbetweenyourhandstocreatearope.

5.Placetheropesontheflouredsurfaceand,usingaknife,cuteachropeintopiecesabout1to2incheslong.Useafork’stinestoindentthegnocchiwithalinepatternacrossthedough.

6.Meanwhile, fill a large stockpotwithwater and bring to a boil.Working in batches,place10 to12gnocchi in theboilingwater.Thegnocchiwill floatwhen theyaredone,afterapproximately3to5minutes.Drainwell.

7.Inalargeskillet,meltthebutterovermedium-highheat.Transferthecookedgnocchitotheskilletandcookfor2to3minutes,tossingthegnocchitocoatevenlyandgetslightlycrisp.

8.Servethegnocchiwithpesto(seerecipeonthispage)oragluten-freemarinarasauce

andParmesancheese.

Paella

Irealizethis100percentshowsmyCajunroots,butIliketothinkofpaellaastheSpanishversion of jambalaya. Or maybe seafood risotto? Either way, it’s super good and notnearlyasdifficultasonemightthink.

Oh,andIleftoutclamsbecauseIhateclams,butthatisthetraditionalwaytogo.Ifyouwant touse themin this recipe, justadd8 to10clams to theskilletalongwith theshrimp.

Preptime:25minutesCooktime:1hourplus1hourmarinatingtime

Makes:10servings

INGREDIENTS3poundschickenthighs,bonein,skinon

1teaspoondriedoregano

½teaspoonredpepperflakes

½teaspoonseasalt,plusmoretotaste

½teaspoonfreshlygroundblackpepper,plusmoretotaste

¼cupoliveoil

2gluten-freechorizosausages,sliced1/4inchthick

1Spanishonion,diced

4clovesgarlic,crushed

1bunchflat-leafparsley,chopped,somereservedforgarnish

1(15-ounce)canwholetomatoes,drainedandcrushedbyhand

3cupsshort-grainSpanishrice

6cupswarmwater

Generouspinchofsaffronthreads

1poundjumboshrimp,shelledanddeveined

½cupfreshsweetpeas

1.Placethechickenthighsinalargedishandcoverevenlywiththeoregano,redpepper,salt,andblackpepper.Allowthechickentomarinateforatleast1hour,refrigerated.

2.Heattheoil inalarge,deepskillet(orpaellapanifyouhaveone)overmedium-highheatfor1to2minutes.Addthechorizoandcookfor3to4minutes,stirringoccasionally.

3.Placethechickenthighsinthepanskin-sidedownandcookuntiltheskinisbrownandslightly crispy, flippingafter5 to7minutes.Remove the sausageandchicken from thepanandsetaside.

4.Add the onion, garlic, and parsley to the pan and cook for 2 to 3minutes, until theonionandgarlicstarttosoften.Addthetomatoesandcookfor5minutes,untilthesaucebeginstothicken.Addthericeandstirtocombine.

5.Addthewaterandturntheheatdowntolow,simmeringfor10to15minutes,stirringfrequently,untilthewaterbeginstobeabsorbed.

6. Add the chicken and chorizo back to the pan along with the saffron. Simmer for 5minutes,thenaddtheshrimp.Simmerfor10minutesmore.

7.Turntheheatuptohighfor45secondstocrisptherice.Addthepeas,givethemixtureastir,andremoveitfromtheheat.

8.Servegarnishedwiththereservedparsley.

ChickenPadThai

Iloveagoodpadthai,butsadly,eithersoysauceornoodlesusuallycontaminateit.Butthere are a few brands of gluten-free brown rice noodles you can use for this dish, soscoop themupandmakepad thaiwheneveryou’recraving take-out.Substitute tofu forchickenbreastsifyou’releaningvegetarian.

Preptime:15minutesCooktime:25minutes

Makes:4servings

INGREDIENTS8ouncesgluten-freebrownricenoodles

4tablespoonsvegetableoil

2clovesgarlic,finelychopped

2shallots,finelychopped

2bonelessskinlesschickenbreasts,cutinto1-inchcubes

4tablespoonsfreshlemonjuice

3tablespoonsfishsauce

3tablespoonssugar

½teaspoonredpepperflakes

1egg,lightlybeaten

1cupbeansprouts

4tablespoonsroastedpeanuts

Cilantro(optional)

Limewedges,forgarnish

1.Cookthericenoodlesaccordingtothepackagedirections.Drainandsetaside.

2. Ina largeskillet,heat theoiloverhighheatfor1minute, thenturn theheatdowntomedium.Add thegarlic and shallots andcook for1 to2minutes.Add thechickenandcook,turningoccasionally,for10minutesoruntilitiscookedthrough.

3.Whilethechickeniscooking,makethesauce:Inasmallbowl,whiskthelemonjuice,fishsauce,sugar,andredpepper flakes togetheruntil thesugar iscompletelydissolved.Setaside.

4.Oncethechickeniscooked,addthebeateneggtotheskilletandscrambleitwiththechicken.Turntheheatdowntolow,addthecookednoodles,andstirtocombine.Addthebeansproutsandpeanutsandsautéfor1minute.Pourinthesauceandcookfor1minutemore.

5.Servewithcilantro(ifdesired)andlimewedges.

CarrotCake

I’m such a fan of bad-for-you foods that I usually won’t eat carrot cake. I mean,vegetables? In cake? Who thought this was a good idea? In the case of this recipe,however,it’sadanggoodone.Ibroughtthisintomyofficeandeveryoneflippedout.Theapplesaucemakesitniceandmoistandtheicing,well,killsit.Thecakewasgonein1.5minutes.Srsly.

Preptime:20minutesCooktime:35minutesplus2hourresttime

Makes:12servings

INGREDIENTSFortheCake:2cupsall-purposegluten-freeflour,plusmoreforpans

2teaspoonsbakingsoda

½teaspoonsalt

2teaspoonscinnamon

3eggs

2cupssugar

¾cupcanolaoil

¾cupbuttermilk

2teaspoonsvanillaextract

2cupsgratedcarrot

1cupapplesauce

¾cupflakedcoconut

1cupchoppedpecans,toasted

FortheFrosting:2(8-ounce)packagescreamcheese,softened

6tablespoonsbutter,softened

1½teaspoonsvanillaextract

5cupsconfectioners’sugar,sifted

1cuppecanpieces,toasted

1.Makethecake:Preheattheovento350°F.Greaseandflourtwo9-inchcakerounds.

2.Inasmallbowl,combinetheflour,bakingsoda,salt,andcinnamon.

3. Inamediumbowl,usingahandmixer,beat theeggsuntil fluffy.Add thesugar,oil,

buttermilk,andvanillaandmixonmediumspeed.

4.Addtheflourmixtureandbeatuntilcombined.

5.Usingaspoonorspatula,foldinthecarrots,applesauce,coconut,andpecans.Pourthebatterintothepreparedcakepansandbakefor35minutes,oruntilatoothpickinsertedinthecakecomesoutclean.Removethecakefromthepansandtransfertoawireracktocool.

6.Make the frosting: Inamediumbowl,beat thecreamcheeseandbutteruntil smoothandfluffy.

7. Add the confectioners’ sugar 1 cup at a time, beating until completely combinedbetweenadditions.Addthevanillaandmixwell.Transfertotherefrigeratorandallowtochillfor1to2hours.

8.Assemblethecake:Whenthelayersarecoolandthefrostinghaschilled,frostthetopofthefirstcake,thencentertheothercakeontopandfrostthetopofthatcakeaswell.Frostthesidesandcoverthesideswiththepecans.Sliceandserve.

BerryCrumblePie

Mygrandmothermadethispiewithapples,butIpreferberry,well,anything.AndIgraboneofthosefrozenpiecrustsoruseamixbecauseIcannotdeal.Pleasedothataswell,becauseIwantyoutotakeiteasy.

Preptime:10minutesCooktime:55minutes

Makes:8servings

INGREDIENTS1premadegluten-freepiecrust

5cupsmixedberries(Ipreferraspberriesandblueberries)

2tablespoonssugar

2tablespoonsfreshlemonjuice

½teaspooncinnamon

½cupbrownsugar

½cupall-purposegluten-freeflour

2tablespoonscoldbutter

½cupchoppedpecans

Vanillaicecream,forserving

1.Preheattheovento350°F.Bakethepiecrustfor10minutes,removefromtheoven,andallowtocool.

2.Fillthecooledpiecrustwiththeberries.

3. Combine the sugar, lemon juice, and cinnamon in a small bowl, then pour over theberries.

4.Combinethebrownsugarandflourinasmallbowl.Cutinthebutter.Addthepecansandmixwell.Sprinklethemixtureovertheberries.

5.Bakefor45minutes,oruntilthecrumbletoppingisgolden.

6.Removethepiefromtheovenandallowittocoolfor5to10minutes.Sliceandservewithicecream,oronitsown.

DingDong

Yep, I’m going there.While no onewould argueDingDongs—gluten-free or not—are“healthy,”I’dliketothinkthatusingnopreservativesorchemicalsinthisversionmeanswe’re eating a little bit healthier.Oh,who am I kidding? I just really thinkwedeserveDingDongs.

Use the recipe for Jack’s Devil’s Food Cake (this page; or hey, use a gluten-freedevil’sfoodcakemixifyou’refeelingtired)tomakethese.

Preptime:20minutesCooktime:1hour

Makes:12servings

INGREDIENTSFortheCake:Jack’sDevil’sFoodCake(thispage)

FortheFluffyFrosting:⅓cupwhippingcream

1tablespoonconfectioners’sugar

½teaspoonvanillaextract

FortheChocolateGanache:1cupheavycream

9ouncessemisweetchocolate,roughlychopped(orusesemisweetchocolatechips)

1tablespoonunsaltedbutter,atroomtemperature

1.Makethecake:Followtheinstructionsonthispage.

2.Makethefrosting:Beatthecreamandconfectioners’sugarwithanelectricmixeruntilfluffy.Stirinthevanilla.

3.Afterthecakehascooled,turnitoutontoaflatsurfaceorlargecuttingboard.Usingalarge,roundcookiecutter,cutoutapproximately12(4½-inch)roundsandsetthemonaflattray.

4.Usingasharpparingknife,removea“button”¾inchindiameterfromthecentertopofeachcake,cuttinghalfwayintothecake.Seteachbuttonaside;youwillneedthemlater.

5.Fillapastrybagorzip-tightplasticbagwithfrosting.Ifusingazip-tightbag,cuttheverytipoffonecornersoitcanbeusedasapipingbag.

6.Fill thehole ineachcakewithfrosting.Placeeach“button”backontoptocover thehole.

7.Maketheganache:Heatthecreamovermedium-highheatuntilsimmering.

8. Place the chocolate in a medium bowl, then pour the hot cream on top. Allow themixturetostanduntilthechocolateismostlymelted,1to2minutes.

9.Stirthebutterintothechocolatemixtureuntilsmooth.Allowthechocolateganachetocoolfor5to10minutes,thenpourovereachcake,smoothingoutwithaknifeorspatula.

CamparietPamplemousse

Let’sfinishthesenewrecipeswithabang,shallwe?I’verecentlydiscoveredCampariandloveitbecauseIthinkallcocktailsneedadashofcolor.Oradashofalcohol.

Preptime:2minutes

Makes:1refreshingcocktail

INGREDIENTS1ounceCampari

2ouncesgrapefruitjuice

2ouncesclubsoda

Juiceof½lime

1limewedge,forgarnish

1.PourtheCampariandgrapefruitjuiceoveronelargeicecube,ortwosmallericecubes,inarocksglass.Stir.

2.Addthesodaandlimejuiceandpushontheicegentlytomix.

3.Servewiththelimewedge.

Wheretoeat,wheretoshop,andwheretogowhenyouneedashouldertocryon—it’sallhereinmyhandy-dandylist,andGlutenIsMyBitchapproved.

No,Really,YouCanEatHere

There are some restaurants that are so gluten-free friendly that you have to assumesomeoneinthehierarchyisintimatelyacquaintedwithglutenpoisoning.Theseplacesnotonly offer gluten-free options, but also understand that the preparation areas have toremain separate and go to great lengths to avoid cross-contamination. Some restaurantshave sealed-off pizzas; others label every plate, bowl, and utensil to guarantee nothinggoesawry. Incontrast to simplyofferingagluten-freemenu, theseplacesknowhow toserveitsafelyaswell.Althoughit’struethatthesafetyofeverymealeatenoutsideyourhomedependsuponallofthosewhoprepareandserveit,youcanfeelsafeatthesejointsthatarepayingstrictattention.

Naturally,morerestaurantsarepoppinguprightnowthatwilldothegluten-freewithnocross-contaminationthingverywell,butasofrightnow,thesearethecurrentstarsofthegenre.SomeofthesepicksarelocalonlyincitiesaroundtheUnitedStates,andothersare national. Visit each website to find a gluten-free location near you. As with everydiningexperience,callfirsttomakesurethey’rereadyforthegluten-freeyou.

All-StarRestaurantsfortheGluten-Free

BigBowlChinese&Thai,bigbowl.com

ChuckE.Cheese’s,(gluten-freepizza),chuckecheese.com

FritziDog,fritzidog.com

Hugo’s,hugosrestaurant.com

TheMeltingPot,meltingpot.com

P.F.Chang’s,pfchangs.com

Risotteria,risotteria.com

RubyFoo’s,rubyfoos.com

StoryTavern,storytavernburbank.com

TulaGlutenFreeBakeryCafe,tulabaking.com

2Good2BBakery&Cafe,2good2b.com

zpizza,zpizza.com

Bakeries

3Fellers,3fellersbakery.com

BabycakesNYC,babycakesnyc.com

DeerfieldsBakery,deerfieldsbakery.com

DempseyBakery,dempseybakery.com

EverybodyEats,everybodyeats-inc.com

FlyingApron,flyingapron.com

Fonuts,fonuts.com

Kyra’sBakeShop,kyrasbakeshop.com

MariposaBakingCompany,mariposabaking.com

RisingHeartsBakery,risingheartsbakery.com

SomethingSweetWithoutWheat,somethingsweetwithoutwheat.com

SweetFreedom,sweetfreedombakery.com

Sweet27,sweet27.com

Tu-Lu’sGluten-FreeBakery,tu-lusbakery.com

Whisk,whiskgfbakery.com

AttheStore

If you’re lucky, you’ll find a ton of gluten-free options when you head to your localgrocery. You can take them all home and have a crazy taste test, or you can try thesedelicious brands thatmy family picks again and again.Here aremy favorite brands ofprepackagedgluten-freegoods.

BestBakingMixes

Biscuits:Bob’sRedMill,ArrowheadMills,GlutenFreePantry

Cake/Cupcakes:XOBakery:Kinnikinnick (Angel Food),GlutenFreePantry,ThePurePantry,AuthenticFoods

Cornbread:Bob’sRedMill,GlutenFreePantry

Pancakes:ThePurePantry,XOBakery,ArrowheadMills

Piecrust:GlutenFreePantry

BestGluten-FreePasta

AncientHarvestQuinoaPasta

Casalare

Mrs.Leeper’s

RP’sPastaCompany

RustichellaD’Abruzzo

TraderJoe’sCornPasta

BestGluten-FreeCrackers

BlueDiamond

CrunchmasterMulti-SeedCrackers

GlutinoTableCrackers

SkinnyCrisps

BestKid-FriendlyGluten-FreeFood

Annie’sRiceNoodleMac&Cheese

ApplegateGFCornDogs

Bell&EvansChickenTenders

BettyCrocker’sGluten-FreeCakeMix

Edward&SonsGluten-FreeIceCreamCones

Kinnikinnickgrahamcrackers

KinnikinnickK-Tooschocolatecookies

BestGluten-FreeVitamins

CountryLifeVitamins

BestDeliMeats

Applegate,Boar’sHead

IntheKitchen

There are certain kitchen basics that every household needs, then there are some extra-specialitemsthatyou’regoingtowantinordertodosomegluten-freebaking,frying,andotheramazingthings.Additionally,ifyoustillallowgluteninyourhouse,youmusthaveadedicatedpot(s),colander,utensils,andplatesorbowlsthatareforglutenonly.Never,ever touch thosewithyourgluten-free food.Here’sabasic listofkitchen toolsbecauseyou’regoingtobespendingalotmorequalitytimewithyourstove.

NecessaryToolsintheGluten-FreeKitchen

Liquidandsolid

measuringcups

Measuringspoons

Cuttingboards(two)

Largemixingspoons

Whisk

Setofknives(paring,bread,chef’s)

Vegetablepeeler

Cheesegrater

Freezer-safeplasticcontainers

Spatulas(two)

Soupladle

Slottedspoon

Colander

Saucepans(two)

Fryingpans(two)

Roastingpan

Muffintins(two)

Cookiesheets(two)

Squarecakepan

Roundcakepans(two)

Casseroledish

Loafpan

Deepfryer

CuisinartIceCreamMaker

Handmixer

Dutchoven

Slowcooker

WheretoBuyGluten-FreeGoods

Amazon,amazon.com

BetterBatter,betterbatter.org

Bob’sRedMill,bobsredmill.com

G-FreeNYC,g-freenyc.com

SwansonHealthProducts,swansonvitamins.com

Vitacost,vitacost.com

WholeFoods,wholefoodsmarket.com

Williams-Sonoma(Cup4Cup),williams-sonoma.com

Gluten-FreeToys&ArtSuppliesforKids

DiscountSchoolSupplyoffersanallergenlistingforalloftheschoolsuppliesitsells.Gotodiscountschoolsupply.comandsearchforgluten-freepaints,clay,markers,andanythingelseJuniorwillputinhismouth.

SupportGroups

Find your local chapter by checking out these national celiac organizations: CeliacDisease Foundation (celiac.org), Celiac Support Association, (csaceliacs.info),NationalFoundationforCeliacAwareness(celiaccentral.org)

SummerCampsforCeliacKids

CampCeliac—RhodeIsland,campceliac.org

CDFCampGluten-Free—California,celiac.org

ParisResources

Gluten-FreeGroceries

LaVieClaire(variouslocations),lavieclaire.com

Naturalia(variouslocations),naturalia.fr

Farmers’Markets

MarchéBastille

Sundaysonly

BoulevardRichard-Lenoir

Paris,11thArrondissement

Saxe-Breteuil

Thursday,Saturdayonly

AvenuedeSaxe

Paris,7thArrondissement

There are hundreds of markets—many available in the mornings on weekdays—throughoutParis.Forafulllisting,gotomarches.equipements.paris.fr.

Gluten-Free-FriendlyRestaurants

LeCoqRico98RueLepicParis,75018

FéeNature69Rued’Argout

Paris,75002

HelmutNewcake36RueBichatParis,France(10th)Telephone:+330982590039

SOYA20RuedelaPierreLiftParis75011Telephone:+330148063302

WestCountryGirl7PassageSaint-AmbroiseParis,75011westcountrygirl.com

CheckouttheseblogsbeforeyoulandinParis:

David Lebovitz is an amazingwriter and foodie. AnAmerican in Paris, he prettymuch knows what we all want. Not gluten-free, but filled with delicious tips.davidlebovitz.com

ParisbyMouth isnotonlyagreat foodblogwithmacaron round-ups,but ithasahandy chart to tell you what is and what is not closed during those vacation months.parisbymouth.com

AcknowledgmentsAswithmostgiganticprojectslikeclimbingMountEverestorwritingafunnybook

aboutgluten,therearemanypeoplewhohelpedmakethishappen.ThisiswhereIthankthosepeople.Andyes, I did just compare sittingonmyass andwriting this bookwithclimbingMountEverest.

JenniferLevesqueatAbramsfortotallygettingmeinlikefiveseconds,andAlisonFargis atStonesong for the awesomeagenting.That’swhy thisbook ishere,youguys!AlsothewholeStewart,Tabori&Chang/ABRAMScrewwhoescortedthisbookfromthecomputertotheshelf.

WithoutthefantasticallydressedandincrediblyintelligentDr.AriNowain,Iwouldstillbecrappingmypantsandwonderingif itwasthedairy.Thanks,Doc,forthequickdiagnosisandpatienceforallofmyquestions.

Shazi Shabatian, my incredible nutritionist, for saying, “I can’t wait to see yourbook,”whenIcriedinherofficethatIcouldn’tpossiblystopeatingglutenbecauseI’mafoodwriter.Also,forthefactcheckingandstellarinformation.

TheincrediblebrainofLarrySmarrandhiswillingnesstoeducatealaypersonwhoisreallyjusttryingtogetalaugh.Dr.LeahKlapperofBioLineRXwhodidthesame.

AliciaWoodwardofLivingWithoutmagazine,fornotonlyfantasticinformationbutalsoempathyandadviceforafrustratedceliac.

BetterBatterforprovidingmewithtestingmaterials,andFrankrestaurantinAustinforkeepingmeingluten-freebeerandhotdogs.

Hugethankstoallofmyloyalreadersoveratthewww.Withoutyou,well,I’djustbesomeirritatedceliacwritingadiary.ThankyouforhatingglutenasmuchasIdo.

RebeccaColemanforbeingcoolandsoconnectedthatI’mprettysureshecangetmeelectedpresidentoftheUnitedStatesofAmerica.

Tomy lovely ladies,VictoriaHarmer andCaryFagan,whobecamedetermined toteachmehowtocookmorethanchicken-friedsteak,presumablybecausetheyweretiredofhostingallofthedinnerpartiesthatdidnotutilizeadeep-fatfryer.

CatherineCrawfordforgeneralradness,smartness,anddealingwithmeintimesofhysteria.

My Paris advisory committee: Anna Clark Muntz, Jessica Lee-Rami, StéphaneZuccolotto,andtheGoldmansoftheNorthwest.

Basic awesomeness and attractiveness with the occasional taste testing: MacMontandan,AdaCalhoun,GwynneWatkins,AmyBoshnack,KaraDean&TheAssaelDudes,SoleilMoon-Frye,NancyDillon,RobAnderson,LaurieKilmartin,BartColeman,Kiran and Joby Mahto, Caroline Donahue, Geoff Peveto, Dad, Lorieann, NicoleMensinger,AbeBradshaw,andELI.

The Peveto/Reeves contingency have offered recipes, support, and autoimmunediseases by the bucketful. Thank you so much for most of that. The Goldmans have

alloweda shiksa todeep-frypork for themwithnary a complaint.EspeciallyAmyandEllen,whohaveprovidedmewithsomanygluten-freepiesandcakestoenjoy.

Andlastbutnever,ever,everleast—mybeautifulfamily.AaronGoldmanhasofferedsupportbeyondthatofanormalhumanhusbandandmakesencouragesmetofinishwhatIstart.EsméandJudahhelpedputmylifeintolaserfocusandconsistentlycrackmethehellup.Youguysarethemostamazingpeopleintheentireuniverse.Period.

WeightEquivalents

AVOIRDUPOIS METRIC

¼oz 7g

½oz 15g

1oz 30g

2oz 60g

3oz 90g

4oz 115g

5oz 150g

6oz 175g

7oz 200g

8oz(½Ib) 225g

9oz 250g

10oz 300g

11oz 325g

12oz 350g

13oz 375g

14oz 400g

15oz 425g

16oz(1lb) 450g

1½Ib 750g

2lb 900g

2¼Ib 1kg

3lb 1.4kg

4lb 1.8kg

VolumeEquivalents

AMERICAN METRIC IMPERIAL

¼tsp 1.2ml

½tsp 2.5ml

1tsp 5.0ml

½tbsp(1.5tsp) 7.5ml

1Tbsp(3tsp) 15ml

¼cup(4tbsp) 60ml 2floz

¼cup(5tbsp) 75ml 2.5floz

½cup(8tbsp) 125ml 4floz

½cup(10tbsp) 150ml 5floz

¾cup(12tbsp) 175ml 6floz

1cup(16tbsp) 250ml 8floz

1¼cups 300ml 10floz(½pint)

1½cups 350ml 12floz

2cups(1pint) 500ml 16floz

2¼cups 625ml 20floz(1pint)

1quart 1liter 32floz

OvenTempEquivalents

OVENMARK F C GAS

verycool 250-275 130-140 ½-1

cool 300 150 2

warm 325 170 3

moderate 350 180 4

moderatelyhot 375-400 190-200 5-6

hot 425-450 220-230 7-8

veryhot 475 250 9

INDEXOFSEARCHTERMS

Aairlines

AlbaTherapeuticsLarazotideAcetate

almonds

AlmondButter&AppleSandwiches

AlmondCoconutBar

Alorexcaplets

Alvine’sALV003

Americanfood

arrowroot

artsupplies,toysand

AuntLoretta’sBreakfastCasserole

AuntLoretta’sDeconstructedLasagna

autoimmunedisorders

Avocado&KaleSalad

AvocadoFries

Bbagels

CurryBagelChips

Baked&StuffedAvocados

BakedCheese&ChiveGrits

bakedgoods.Seealsospecificbakedgoods

BakedShrimpEtouffée

bakeries

bakingmixes

bakingpowder

BBQChickenMeatballs

beef

BeefBrisketFritoChiliPie

BeefStroganoffoverRice

Brisket

beer

Beignets

BerryCrumblePie

BerryRefreshingSmoothie

BetterBatterSeasonedFlourMix

BioLineRX’sBL-7010

Block,J.E.

bloodtests

Bob’sRedMillAll-PurposeGluten-FreeBakingFlour

booze.Seealsococktails

breakfast

brisket

BeefBrisketFritoChiliPie

Brisket

broccoli

BroccoliSoup

Deep-FriedBroccoli&BlackBeanSauce,àlaNo.7

Brownies,GermanCreamCheese

ButternutSquashMac&Cheese

Ccake

CarrotCake

ChocoIceCreamCake

HazelnutChocolateCake

ItalianCreamCake

Jack’sDevil’sFoodCake

PrizeCoffeeCakewithStreuselFilling

CamparietPamplemousse

CarrotCake

celebrityceliacs

celiacdisease

complicationsfromundiagnosed

diagnosisof

foodpoisoningand

geneticmarkersfor

numberofpeoplewith

supportgroupsfor

symptomsof

treatmentof

cereal

ChapStick

cheese

BakedCheese&ChiveGrits

ButternutSquashMac&Cheese

GermanCreamCheeseBrownies

TheMostAmazingMac&CheeseYou’llEverEat

ChessPie

chicken

BBQChickenMeatballs

ChickenPadThai

CoconutOilRoastedChicken&SpringVegetables

FriedChicken&Waffles

Chicken-FriedSteak&Gravy

children

babiesandtoddlers

bestkid-friendlygluten-freefood

gluten-freecall&responsewith

juniorhigh&highschool

kitchensand

schoolyears

summercampsfor

talkingwith

toysandartsuppliesfor

Chipotlerestaurant

chocolate

ChocoIceCreamCake

chocolate-coveredalmonds

DingDong

DoubleChocolateOatmealCookies

Gluten-FreeChocolateChipIceCreamSandwich

HazelnutChocolateCake

SpicyChocolateChipCoconutIceCream

cocktails

CamparietPamplemousse

coconut

AlmondCoconutBar

CoconutRicewithToastedAlmonds

SpicyChocolateChipCoconutIceCream

CoconutOilRoastedChicken&SpringVegetables

colonoscopy

communionwafers

cookbooks

cookies

DoubleChocolateOatmealCookies

PeanutButterCupCookies

PecanSandies

cookware

CountryFriedCornwithBacon

CowboyCrêpe

crackers

crêpes

CowboyCrêpe

CrispyGarlicSmashedPotatoes

Crohn’sdisease

cross-contamination

CrossFit

Cup4CupFlour

cupcakes

IceCreamConeCupcake

SpinachLasagnaCupcakes

CurryBagelChips

Ddairy.Seealsocheese

Deep-FriedBroccoli&BlackBeanSauce,àlaNo.7

delimeats

desserts.Seealsospecificdesserts

dextrin

diarrheaanddigestiveissues

DingDong

dirtydozenfoods

DoubleChocolateOatmealCookies

Eeliminationdiet

enchiladasauce

endoscopy

Ffarmer’smarkets

fecaltransplants

Fennel-CitrusSalad

fingerpaints

fish

flan

flour

foodpoisoning

formula,infant

France

Frenchfries

Frenchmacarons

friedfoods

AvocadoFries

Chicken-FriedSteak&Gravy

CountryFriedCornwithBacon

Deep-FriedBroccoli&BlackBeanSauce,àlaNo.7

Frenchfries

FriedChicken&Waffles

VeggieTempura

friends

Ggelato

GermanCreamCheeseBrownies

GingerLemonKick

gluten

attack

foodscontaining

moreliesabout

newwordsfor

GlutenEase

Gluten-FreeChocolateChipIceCreamSandwich

gluten-freecookingtips

gluten-freecuisine.Seealsorestaurants

gluten-freediet

call&response

challengesof

inforeignlanguages

paleodietand

veganismand

gluten-freefoods.Seealsospecificfoods

better-tasting

costsof

cross-contaminationof

labelsandpackagingof

naturally

resourcesfor

astaxdeductible

glutenintolerance.Seealsoceliacdisease

quiz

GlutenIsMyBitchblog

glutensensitivity

WiseAlternativefor

GMOfoods

GrilledShrimpKabobs

GrilledVegetableSalad

grocerystores

guargum

HHazelnutChocolateCake

Iicecream

ChocoIceCreamCake

Gluten-FreeChocolateChipIceCreamSandwich

IceCreamConeCupcake

SpicyChocolateChipCoconutIceCream

ImmusanT’sNexvax2

Indianfood

ItalianCreamCake

ItalianMeatLoaf

JJack’sDevil’sFoodCake

Jell-O

Jell-OShots,ThreeWays

KKeller,Thomas

KingArthur’sGluten-FreeMulti-PurposeFlour

kitchens

childrenand

restaurant

tools

Klapper,Leah

Llasagna

AuntLoretta’sDeconstructedLasagna

SpinachLasagnaCupcakes

Lebovitz,David

LemonRicottaPancakes

licorice

lunches

Mmaincourse

malt

meat.Seealsopaleodiet;specificmeat

cross-contaminationof

delimeats

ItalianMeatLoaf

medication

meringues

Mexicanfood

MexicanCornBread

M&Ms

modelingclay

TheMostAmazingMac&CheeseYou’llEverEat

Muffins,Zucchini

mustard

Nnutrition

Ooats

DoubleChocolateOatmealCookies

organicfoods

PPaella

paleodiet

Pancakes,LemonRicotta

papier-mâché

Paris

ParisbyMouth

parties

pasta

ButternutSquashMac&Cheese

ChickenPadThai

TheMostAmazingMac&CheeseYou’llEverEat

Spaghetti&TurkeyRicottaMeatballs

SweetKugel

SweetPotatoGnocchi

PeanutButterCupCookies

PecanSandies

pesticidesandchemicals

Pie,BerryCrumble

PistachioPesto-StuffedPorkChop

pizza

Play-Doh

pootea

PorkChop,PistachioPesto-Stuffed

potatoes

CrispyGarlicSmashedPotatoes

PotatoLatkes

SweetPotatoChipswithChiveCrèmeFraîche

SweetPotatoGnocchi

APrayerfortheGlutenIntolerant

PrizeCoffeeCakewithStreuselFilling

processedfoods

produce.Seealsosalad;vegetables

pudding

Qquinoa

VersatileQuinoaSalad

RRadicchio,WhiteBean&BaconSoup

RedLobster

restaurants

Americanfood

chainsandfastfoodcomparedtoindependent

cross-contaminationand

gluten-free-friendly

Indianfood

kitchenaccessorleaving

menus

Mexicanfood

inParis

seafood

Thaifood

vegetarian

RoastedGazpacho

Ssalads

Avocado&KaleSalad

Fennel-CitrusSalad

GrilledVegetableSalad

VersatileQuinoaSalad

sauces

Deep-FriedBroccoli&BlackBeanSauce,àlaNo.7

enchiladasauce

pesto

soysauce

sausage

seafood

seitan

Shabatian,Shazi

sides

skinissues

skinnyvanillalattes

Smarr,Larry

snacks&apps

toddlersnacks

sorbet

soups

BroccoliSoup

Radicchio,WhiteBean&BaconSoup

RoastedGazpacho

soyproducts

soysauce

Spaghetti&TurkeyRicottaMeatballs

SpicyChocolateChipCoconutIceCream

SpinachLasagnaCupcakes

sprue

stampsandenvelopes

steak

Chicken-FriedSteak&Gravy

Stone-FruitKuchen

summercamps

SuperTexNachos

supportgroups

sushi

SweetKugel

SweetPotatoChipswithChiveCrèmeFraîche

SweetPotatoGnocchi

Ttamari

TamarindMargarita

Thaifood

tools,kitchen

tortillachips

toysandartsupplies

travel

triticale

Vvaccinations

veganism

vegetables.Seealsospecificvegetables

CoconutOilRoastedChicken&SpringVegetables

GrilledVegetableSalad

VeggieTempura

vegetarianism

VeggieTempura

VersatileQuinoaSalad

villi

vitamins

vodka

WWalmart

weightgain

WholeFoods

winecoolers

Wise,Jack

Woodward,Alicia

Xxanthangum

ZZucchiniMuffins

1Six to tenyears is theaverage timeapersonwaits tobecorrectlydiagnosed. (Source:DanielLeffler,M.D.,M.S.,TheCeliacCenteratBethIsraelDeaconnessMedicalCenter.)2 I am so totally not a doctor. I just write books about disgusting medical conditions.Pleaseconsultyourdoctorforaproperdiagnosis.3ReutersHealth,July4,2012.

4Talk toyouraccountant tomake this legal,notsomeladywritingabookwithacursewordinthetitle.5EnvironmentalWorkingGroup

6PleaserestassuredthisisNOTtrueandissimplyaromanticdeviceforyourchild.Yes,Irealizethatsoundsbadtoo.

7Bowden,Mark,“TheMeasuredMan,”Atlantic,July2012.

1http://www.lakenewsonline.com/article/20140809/Lifestyle/1408095832http://www.mintel.com/press-centre/food-and-drink/gluten-free-food-to-lose-weight

*Donot take thiswoman’sadviceon ingestingor smokingsubstances that still remainillegal in most states. She is just a writer and not a good source of advice regardingimpulsecontrol.3http://www.cbsnews.com/news/a-gluten-free-diet-how-much-will-it-cost/4 “I Was So High,” This American Life, NPR, May 2, 2014,http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/524/i-was-so-high5

http://www.fda.gov/food/guidanceregulation/guidancedocumentsregulatoryinformation/allergens/ucm362880.htm6http://celiacdisease.about.com/od/celiacdiseasefaqs/f/Caramel_Coloring.htm