HHS 4M Individuals and Families in a Diverse Society

HHS 4M HHS 4M Individuals and Families in a Diverse SocietyIndividuals and Families in a Diverse Society

Unit Three – CouplesUnit Three – Couples

Chapter Seven – Intimate Relationships & Chapter Seven – Intimate Relationships & MarriageMarriage

IntroductionIntroduction

Chapter Six – Marriage, Intimate Relationships & Chapter Six – Marriage, Intimate Relationships & Society Society

Chapter Seven – Intimate Relationships & MarriageChapter Seven – Intimate Relationships & Marriage Chapter Eight – Relationships Issues & TrendsChapter Eight – Relationships Issues & Trends

IntroductionIntroduction

Forming Intimate Relationships Forming Intimate Relationships Attraction, Mate Selection, & Romance Attraction, Mate Selection, & Romance Theories of Mate Attraction & Mate Selection Theories of Mate Attraction & Mate Selection Romantic Love Romantic Love Courtship Courtship Dating & Marital Success Dating & Marital Success Negotiating Satisfying Roles in Relationships Negotiating Satisfying Roles in Relationships Problems, Conflict & PowerProblems, Conflict & Power

Top 10 Characteristics That People Top 10 Characteristics That People Want in a PartnerWant in a Partner

1. Honesty 1. Honesty 2. Kindness 2. Kindness 3. Respect 3. Respect 4. Compatibility 4. Compatibility 5. Humour 5. Humour 6. Dependability 6. Dependability 7. Love 7. Love 8. Values 8. Values 9. Religious Commonality 9. Religious Commonality 10.Communication 10.Communication

Source: Bibby, Reginal. (2004) Source: Bibby, Reginal. (2004) A Canadian Hopes & DreamsA Canadian Hopes & Dreams. Vanier Institute of the . Vanier Institute of the Family. Family.

Top 8 Reasons People MarryTop 8 Reasons People Marry

1. Feeling that marriage signifies commitment 1. Feeling that marriage signifies commitment

2. Moral values 2. Moral values

3. Belief that children should have married parents 3. Belief that children should have married parents

4. It is the natural thing to do 4. It is the natural thing to do

5. Financial security 5. Financial security

6. Religious beliefs 6. Religious beliefs

7. Pressure from family 7. Pressure from family

8. Pressure from friends8. Pressure from friends

Source: Bibby, Reginal. (2004) Source: Bibby, Reginal. (2004) A Canadian Hopes & DreamsA Canadian Hopes & Dreams. Vanier Institute . Vanier Institute of the Family. of the Family.

Forming Intimate RelationshipsForming Intimate Relationships

Many Canadians still worry about whether they will Many Canadians still worry about whether they will be able to form a satisfying relationship that will last be able to form a satisfying relationship that will last a lifetime without having to give up who they are & a lifetime without having to give up who they are & who they want to be who they want to be

Some sociologist estimate that only about 10% of Some sociologist estimate that only about 10% of contemporary marriages are truly monogamous contemporary marriages are truly monogamous relationships, in which one man marries one women relationships, in which one man marries one women for a lifelong relationshipfor a lifelong relationship

Forming Intimate RelationshipsForming Intimate Relationships

What is the nature of sexual attraction and What is the nature of sexual attraction and mate selection? mate selection?

What is the nature of romantic love? What is the nature of romantic love? How do couples negotiate satisfying roles in How do couples negotiate satisfying roles in

their relationships? their relationships? How do couples manage conflict in their How do couples manage conflict in their

marriagemarriage??

Attraction, Mate Selection & Attraction, Mate Selection & RomanceRomance

What is romance? What is romance? A love affair. Ardent emotional attachment or involvement A love affair. Ardent emotional attachment or involvement

between people; love: between people; love: They kept the romance alive in their marriage for 35 years.They kept the romance alive in their marriage for 35 years. A strong, sometimes short-lived attachment, fascination, or A strong, sometimes short-lived attachment, fascination, or

enthusiasm for something: enthusiasm for something: a childhood romance with the sea.a childhood romance with the sea.

Not clear as to whether romantic love is a fairly Not clear as to whether romantic love is a fairly recent social development or whether love has a recent social development or whether love has a basis in human biology basis in human biology

87% of all culture the relationships between men & 87% of all culture the relationships between men & women exhibit romantic lovewomen exhibit romantic love

Theories of Attraction & Mate SelectionTheories of Attraction & Mate Selection

Natural Selection Theory Natural Selection Theory WomenWomen preferred to mate with men who: preferred to mate with men who: would be good fathers would be good fathers would stay around to be good providers for themselves & would stay around to be good providers for themselves &

their babies their babies MenMen preferred to mate with women who: preferred to mate with women who: could bear healthy babies could bear healthy babies could feed their children could feed their children had the intelligence & temperament to raise them well had the intelligence & temperament to raise them well Two processes were at work for men & women to exchange Two processes were at work for men & women to exchange

their valuable reproductive resources: their valuable reproductive resources: Individual preferences for an attractive mate Individual preferences for an attractive mate Competition with others for mateCompetition with others for mate

Theories of Attraction & Mate SelectionTheories of Attraction & Mate Selection Natural Selection Continued:Natural Selection Continued: The Evolution of Desire – by David Buss (evolutionary The Evolution of Desire – by David Buss (evolutionary

psychologist) psychologist) ““Potential partners is still patterned to enable them to select the Potential partners is still patterned to enable them to select the

person with whom they can raise the most successful children”person with whom they can raise the most successful children” - In all societies women wish to “marry up” - In all societies women wish to “marry up” - Women are twice as likely to men to marry for financial resources - Women are twice as likely to men to marry for financial resources - Women are attracted to healthy, intelligent, well-educated, hard-- Women are attracted to healthy, intelligent, well-educated, hard-

working and ambitious working and ambitious - Men are attracted to physically appealing, young & healthy- Men are attracted to physically appealing, young & healthy

In summary, according to anthropology & evolutionary In summary, according to anthropology & evolutionary psychology, women are attracted to good providers & men are psychology, women are attracted to good providers & men are attracted to women who appear to be fertileattracted to women who appear to be fertile


Social HomogamySocial Homogamy - a theory that describes how - a theory that describes how individuals are attracted to others from a similar individuals are attracted to others from a similar social backgroundsocial background

Fits into a Structural Functionalists’ perspectiveFits into a Structural Functionalists’ perspective Individuals are attracted to those who have similar Individuals are attracted to those who have similar

backgrounds, such as:backgrounds, such as: Age Age Race Race Ethnic background Ethnic background Religion Religion Socio-economic status Socio-economic status Political viewsPolitical views


The Ideal Mate TheoryThe Ideal Mate Theory – attraction based on an – attraction based on an individual’s unconscious image of an ideal individual’s unconscious image of an ideal mate mate

Supports “love at first sight” and social Supports “love at first sight” and social homogamyhomogamy

Perceptions of an ideal mate are formed from Perceptions of an ideal mate are formed from pleasant experiences with other individuals pleasant experiences with other individuals in childhood, usually a person’s familyin childhood, usually a person’s family

Symbolic InteractionismSymbolic Interactionism


Filter Theory Filter Theory (Murstein – 1970)(Murstein – 1970) Suggests that patrners are first selected based on Suggests that patrners are first selected based on

obvious stimulus characteristics, such as attractiveness, obvious stimulus characteristics, such as attractiveness, and are then passed through filters based on similar and are then passed through filters based on similar values and compatibilityvalues and compatibility

Mate selection moves through stages (stimulus-values-Mate selection moves through stages (stimulus-values-roles)roles)

See text p.200See text p.200

Romantic LoveRomantic Love Both men & women desire love & commitment Both men & women desire love & commitment

According to According to SternbergSternberg, romantic love has three “faces”: , romantic love has three “faces”: 1)1)PassionPassion – a strong feeling of sexual desire for another, develops the – a strong feeling of sexual desire for another, develops the

fastest fastest 2) 2) Intimacy Intimacy – intense friendship develops more slowly, as the individual – intense friendship develops more slowly, as the individual

shares himself or herself with another shares himself or herself with another 3) 3) CommitmentCommitment – maintaining the relationship while it grow & offering – maintaining the relationship while it grow & offering

rewards rewards

The love triangle includes all three faces – each representing a side, but The love triangle includes all three faces – each representing a side, but some sides grow at different rates & the nature of romantic love some sides grow at different rates & the nature of romantic love changes with time.changes with time.

Evolutionary perspective of Romantic Love is: Evolutionary perspective of Romantic Love is: - Love is advantageous: - Love is advantageous: passionpassion draws individuals together with a draws individuals together with a desire to reproduce, but the desire to reproduce, but the intimacy intimacy & & commitmentcommitment that follow that follow allow them to maintain their relationship over the long term, to allow them to maintain their relationship over the long term, to support each other & to culture & raise childrensupport each other & to culture & raise children

CourtshipCourtship

What sorts of activities do couples go What sorts of activities do couples go through that could be called a through that could be called a courtship ritual?courtship ritual?

Individuals are allowed to win each others affection Individuals are allowed to win each others affection Courtship rituals in all societies Courtship rituals in all societies Men display their resources to prove they have the Men display their resources to prove they have the

potential to be good providers potential to be good providers Women display the qualities that make them Women display the qualities that make them

desirable & nurturingdesirable & nurturing

The Cultural Diversity of CourtshipThe Cultural Diversity of Courtship

While the While the datedate is fairly casual in most European is fairly casual in most European cultures, in many traditional societies, courtship is a cultures, in many traditional societies, courtship is a highly structured activity, with very specific formal highly structured activity, with very specific formal rules. rules.

In some societies, the parents or community In some societies, the parents or community propose potential partners, and then allow limited propose potential partners, and then allow limited dating to determine whether the parties are suited. dating to determine whether the parties are suited.

The Evolution of CourtshipThe Evolution of Courtship In more closed societies, courtship is virtually eliminated In more closed societies, courtship is virtually eliminated

altogether by the practice of altogether by the practice of arranged marriagesarranged marriages, where , where partners are chosen for young people, typically by their partners are chosen for young people, typically by their parents. parents.

Forbidding experimental and serial courtship and sanctioning Forbidding experimental and serial courtship and sanctioning only arranged matches is partly a means of guarding the only arranged matches is partly a means of guarding the chastity of young people and partly a matter of furthering chastity of young people and partly a matter of furthering family interests, which in such cultures may be considered family interests, which in such cultures may be considered more important than individual romantic preferences. more important than individual romantic preferences.

Over recent decades though, the concept of arranged marriage Over recent decades though, the concept of arranged marriage has changed or simply been mixed with other forms of dating, has changed or simply been mixed with other forms of dating, including Eastern and Indian ones; potential couples have the including Eastern and Indian ones; potential couples have the opportunity to meet and date each other before one decides on opportunity to meet and date each other before one decides on whether to continue the relationship or not.whether to continue the relationship or not.

Modern DatingModern Dating In earlier centuries, In earlier centuries, when marriage was an expectationwhen marriage was an expectation rather rather

than an option, young adults were expected to court with the than an option, young adults were expected to court with the intention of finding a marriage partner, rather than for social intention of finding a marriage partner, rather than for social reasons. reasons.

However, by the Jazz Age of the However, by the Jazz Age of the 1920's1920's, dating for fun was , dating for fun was becoming an expectation, and by the becoming an expectation, and by the 1930's1930's, it was assumed , it was assumed that any popular young person would have lots of dates. that any popular young person would have lots of dates.

This form of dating, though, was usually more chaste than is This form of dating, though, was usually more chaste than is seen today, since pre-marital sex was not considered the norm. seen today, since pre-marital sex was not considered the norm.

After the sexual revolution of the 1960's and 1970's, this "old-After the sexual revolution of the 1960's and 1970's, this "old-fashioned" form of dating waned in popularity. fashioned" form of dating waned in popularity.

Couples became more likely to "hook up" or "hang out" with Couples became more likely to "hook up" or "hang out" with large groups than to go on an old-fashioned date, and large groups than to go on an old-fashioned date, and frequently went from "hanging out" to an exclusive relationship frequently went from "hanging out" to an exclusive relationship without engaging in what their parents or grandparents might without engaging in what their parents or grandparents might have called dating.have called dating.

Dating & Marital SuccessDating & Marital Success

Free-choice marriages suggest that dating Free-choice marriages suggest that dating experiences leads to greater marital success experiences leads to greater marital success

The best indicator of marital success is – The best indicator of marital success is – being in love when you marrybeing in love when you marry

Negotiating Satisfying Roles in Negotiating Satisfying Roles in

RelationshipsRelationships Getting married can appear to be the happiest & Getting married can appear to be the happiest &

easiest transition in life because it is ritualized, easiest transition in life because it is ritualized, highly organized and supported by family & friends highly organized and supported by family & friends

However, the relationship roles within marriage are However, the relationship roles within marriage are often difficult to set often difficult to set

Erikson explained that individuals need to resolve Erikson explained that individuals need to resolve the dilemma of the dilemma of intimacy verses isolationintimacy verses isolation to develop to develop the enduring strength of love within the relationship the enduring strength of love within the relationship

The challenge is to know how to grow independently The challenge is to know how to grow independently and as a partner within a coupleand as a partner within a couple

Role Expectations in MarriageRole Expectations in Marriage

Contemporary marriages are based on Contemporary marriages are based on companionship, not parenting companionship, not parenting

Therefore, marriages are based upon the principle of Therefore, marriages are based upon the principle of equality equality

This principle of equality is not an event, but a This principle of equality is not an event, but a process process

Systems Theory – couples must discuss the Systems Theory – couples must discuss the structures, or the hidden rules of their new marital structures, or the hidden rules of their new marital system system

Negotiation is a process of conferring with others in Negotiation is a process of conferring with others in order to reach an agreement order to reach an agreement

Negotiation is not just the joining of two individuals, Negotiation is not just the joining of two individuals, but also a joining & overlapping of two family but also a joining & overlapping of two family systems to create a third.systems to create a third.

Nine “Psychological Tasks” Nine “Psychological Tasks” Needed for a Good MarriageNeeded for a Good Marriage

1.1. Separate emotionally from the family you grew up in; not to the Separate emotionally from the family you grew up in; not to the point of estrangement, but enough so that your identity is point of estrangement, but enough so that your identity is separate from that of your parents and siblings. separate from that of your parents and siblings.

2.2. Build togetherness based on a shared intimacy and identity, while Build togetherness based on a shared intimacy and identity, while at the same time set boundaries to protect each partner's at the same time set boundaries to protect each partner's autonomy. autonomy.

3.3. Establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship and protect it Establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship and protect it from the intrusions of the workplace and family obligations. from the intrusions of the workplace and family obligations.

4. For couples with children, embrace the daunting roles of 4. For couples with children, embrace the daunting roles of parenthood and absorb the impact of a baby's entrance into the parenthood and absorb the impact of a baby's entrance into the marriage. Learn to continue the work of protecting the privacy of marriage. Learn to continue the work of protecting the privacy of you and your spouse as a couple.you and your spouse as a couple.

Nine “Psychological Tasks” Nine “Psychological Tasks”

Needed for a Good MarriageNeeded for a Good Marriage 5. Confront and master the inevitable crises of life 5. Confront and master the inevitable crises of life 6. Maintain the strength of the marital bond in the face of 6. Maintain the strength of the marital bond in the face of

adversity. The marriage should be a safe haven in adversity. The marriage should be a safe haven in which partners are able to express their differences, which partners are able to express their differences, anger and conflict. anger and conflict.

7. Use humor and laughter to keep things in perspective 7. Use humor and laughter to keep things in perspective and to avoid boredom and isolation. and to avoid boredom and isolation.

8. Nurture and comfort each other, satisfying each 8. Nurture and comfort each other, satisfying each partnerís needs for dependency and offering partnerís needs for dependency and offering continuing encouragement and support. continuing encouragement and support.

9. Keep alive the early romantic, idealized images of 9. Keep alive the early romantic, idealized images of falling in love, while facing the sober realities of the falling in love, while facing the sober realities of the changes wrought by time.5changes wrought by time.5

Stages in a MarriageStages in a Marriage What do you think are the stages of marriage? What do you think are the stages of marriage?

Three Predictable stages of a relationship:Three Predictable stages of a relationship: Stage OneStage One – Relationships are – Relationships are romantic,romantic, warm & respectful, warm & respectful,

focusing on exploration, sexual attraction and the idealization focusing on exploration, sexual attraction and the idealization of the partner. Individuals also build self-esteem as they try to of the partner. Individuals also build self-esteem as they try to develop the relationship that they want develop the relationship that they want

Stage TwoStage Two – – ConflictConflict arises as individuals become more arises as individuals become more demanding to meet their own needs. This results in instability demanding to meet their own needs. This results in instability in the relationship & requires both partners to change their in the relationship & requires both partners to change their behaviour. Individuals feel let down because the relationship is behaviour. Individuals feel let down because the relationship is less rewarding less rewarding

Stage ThreeStage Three – Couples – Couples compromise & negotiatecompromise & negotiate a relationship that a relationship that meets their needs as well as possible. The relationship meets their needs as well as possible. The relationship becomes more realistic, mature, & stablebecomes more realistic, mature, & stable

Defining SuccessDefining Success

Several characteristics in common for a successfulSeveral characteristics in common for a successfulmarriage: marriage:

Similar values Similar values Similar leisure time activities Similar leisure time activities Pooling their incomes Pooling their incomes Sharing in power & decision making Sharing in power & decision making Having friends in common Having friends in common Having an active social life together Having an active social life together

Review Research Study: Why Marriages Succeed or Fail (pages Review Research Study: Why Marriages Succeed or Fail (pages 210 - 211) 210 - 211)

Some interesting findingsSome interesting findings

Achieving a Satisfying RelationshipAchieving a Satisfying Relationship

Familiarity breeds intimacy Familiarity breeds intimacy

Knowing who you are, helps you understand your partner Knowing who you are, helps you understand your partner

Honest communication nurtures trust & shows respect for the Honest communication nurtures trust & shows respect for the other by allowing each partner to maintain his/her differences other by allowing each partner to maintain his/her differences

Be able to agree on solutions to problems Be able to agree on solutions to problems

Be successful at negotiation – requires individual to respect & Be successful at negotiation – requires individual to respect & honour spouses opinionshonour spouses opinions

Successful couple turn to each other, not away from each other Successful couple turn to each other, not away from each other when a problems ariseswhen a problems arises

Claude Guldner’s Six “R’s” of Claude Guldner’s Six “R’s” of MarriageMarriage

1. Roots 1. Roots

2. Rhythms 2. Rhythms

3. Rule 3. Rule

4. Roles 4. Roles

5. Relationships 5. Relationships

6. Rituals6. Rituals

See text p. 214See text p. 214

Problems, Conflict, and PowerProblems, Conflict, and Power What do you thing is the most common problem in marriage? What do you thing is the most common problem in marriage?

Communication was most frequently mentioned Communication was most frequently mentioned Jealousy was thought to be the largest issueJealousy was thought to be the largest issue

Conflict TheoryConflict Theory suggest: Nature of intimate relationships & changing suggest: Nature of intimate relationships & changing roles of men & women in a diverse-post industrial society such as roles of men & women in a diverse-post industrial society such as Canada's results in Canada's results in 3 related dilemmas3 related dilemmas for couple relationships for couple relationships

1. Individual verses collective interest 1. Individual verses collective interest 2. Women’s rights verses male entitlement 2. Women’s rights verses male entitlement 3. “mine” verse “yours”3. “mine” verse “yours”

Many of these issues revolve around two things:Many of these issues revolve around two things: Division of labour Division of labour Expressive quality of the relationshipExpressive quality of the relationship

BibliographyBibliography

Holloway, Maureen, Holloway,G., Witte, J. (2003) Holloway, Maureen, Holloway,G., Witte, J. (2003) Individuals and Families in a Diverse Society. Individuals and Families in a Diverse Society. McGraw-McGraw-Hill Ryerson., Toronto.Hill Ryerson., Toronto.

http://sitemaker.umich.edu/psy457_lamyiu/sternberg_s_theory_of_love

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HHS 4M Individuals and Families in a Diverse Society