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100:00:00,180 --> 00:00:03,580Kids,the spring of 2008 was a pretty great time for me
200:00:04,050 --> 00:00:05,490Stella and I had started dating,
300:00:05,590 --> 00:00:07,080And I'd just gotten a big raise at work,
400:00:07,160 --> 00:00:08,700So I decided to purchase something I knew
500:00:08,760 --> 00:00:10,300Would be the envy of all my friends.
600:00:10,360 --> 00:00:12,100A new car!
700:00:12,160 --> 00:00:15,060Ted, this is new york city-- you're never gonna drive it.
800:00:15,130 --> 00:00:17,230This is a really, really stupid purchase,
900:00:17,230 --> 00:00:20,700And I'm sorry, but none of us can support it.
1000:00:20,760 --> 00:00:21,900Shotgun for eternity!
1100:00:21,960 --> 00:00:23,300You can't call shotgun for eternity.
1200:00:23,360 --> 00:00:24,500I just called it.
1300:00:24,560 --> 00:00:26,500You can't just call things, barney.
1400:00:26,560 --> 00:00:27,700I call that I can call things!
1500:00:27,760 --> 00:00:28,700hey, baby.
1600:00:28,760 --> 00:00:31,000Beer.
1700:00:31,960 --> 00:00:33,330Are you okay?
1800:00:33,400 --> 00:00:36,460Beer.
1900:00:42,230 --> 00:00:43,660Okay, what happened?
2000:00:43,730 --> 00:00:46,230They always told me that working at a big law firm
2100:00:46,300 --> 00:00:47,760Was like being at war.
2200:00:47,830 --> 00:00:49,200You get out of law school,
2300:00:49,260 --> 00:00:50,830It's like getting out of boot camp.
2400:00:50,900 --> 00:00:52,930That first day at work, you're storming the beaches,
2500:00:53,000 --> 00:00:54,700Full of piss and vinegar...
2600:00:54,760 --> 00:00:56,400Dude, we're lawyers now.
2700:00:56,460 --> 00:00:57,600Totally.
2800:00:57,660 --> 00:00:58,960We've got briefcases and everything.
2900:00:59,030 --> 00:01:00,530Freakin' briefcases.
3000:01:00,600 --> 00:01:01,960You have anything in yours?
3100:01:02,030 --> 00:01:03,430Totally empty. you?
3200:01:03,500 --> 00:01:04,600Candy bars.
3300:01:08,100 --> 00:01:11,230Then you get in the trenches side by side with your buddies
3400:01:11,300 --> 00:01:13,100And you feel a sense of camaraderie.
3500:01:13,160 --> 00:01:14,630But before too long...
3600:01:14,700 --> 00:01:15,760Hey, marshall.
3700:01:15,830 --> 00:01:16,800...the shells start to fall.
3800:01:16,860 --> 00:01:18,060Hello, arthur.
3900:01:19,430 --> 00:01:20,930Arthur hobbes is one of the senior partners
4000:01:21,000 --> 00:01:23,360At my firm, and he's... he's my boss.
4100:01:24,400 --> 00:01:25,560He seems like a nice guy,
4200:01:25,630 --> 00:01:26,730But he's got a nickname...
4300:01:27,560 --> 00:01:29,430Artillery arthur.
4400:01:29,500 --> 00:01:31,000How's your morning going?
4500:01:31,060 --> 00:01:32,900It's going fine-- how is yours?
4600:01:32,960 --> 00:01:34,430Not too bad, not too bad.
4700:01:34,500 --> 00:01:36,500Hey, is ferguson in yet?
4800:01:36,560 --> 00:01:38,560He is, he's in... just in his office next door.
4900:01:38,630 --> 00:01:40,800That's great-- have a good one, buddy.
5000:01:40,860 --> 00:01:42,060You, too.
5100:01:44,000 --> 00:01:45,800You never know who's gonna get hit...
5200:01:45,860 --> 00:01:47,260Hey, ferguson!
5300:01:47,330 --> 00:01:49,760I read your report, and it's complete crap!
5400:01:49,830 --> 00:01:51,800No, you know what? that's an insult to crap.
5500:01:51,860 --> 00:01:55,260If crap could eat and then crap stuff out, it's that!
5600:01:55,330 --> 00:01:58,860Your report is the crap that crap craps!
5700:01:58,930 --> 00:02:01,500If you last two more days here, I'll be shocked!
5800:02:01,560 --> 00:02:02,700Shocked!
5900:02:04,860 --> 00:02:06,400It was brutal,
6000:02:06,460 --> 00:02:08,530But the worst was a few minutes later.
6100:02:10,500 --> 00:02:11,630Did you hear that?
6200:02:12,700 --> 00:02:15,360Yeah, sorry.
6300:02:15,430 --> 00:02:16,860Can you believe he did that
6400:02:16,930 --> 00:02:19,430On take your daughter to work day?
6500:02:23,160 --> 00:02:24,730So that brings us to today.
6600:02:24,800 --> 00:02:26,200Oh, no.
6700:02:26,260 --> 00:02:27,300A little background.
6800:02:27,360 --> 00:02:28,800So I'm working on this report
6900:02:28,860 --> 00:02:32,330Called "using 23-b-3 spurious class action precedent
7000:02:32,400 --> 00:02:34,330"to contest a class certification order
7100:02:34,400 --> 00:02:36,830Based on a lack of commonality, numerosity..."
7200:02:36,900 --> 00:02:38,130Dude, you lost us.
7300:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,260Can't you just call it something cool
7400:02:39,330 --> 00:02:40,460Like "the ninja report"?
7500:02:40,530 --> 00:02:43,360Okay. yeah, fine, whatever.
7600:02:43,430 --> 00:02:44,530Um, so I'm supposed
7700:02:44,600 --> 00:02:45,960To turn in "the ninja report" yesterday.
7800:02:46,030 --> 00:02:47,630-Awesome. -wow. cool.
7900:02:47,700 --> 00:02:50,160But I got insanely busy with other stuff,
8000:02:50,230 --> 00:02:52,260I didn't get a chance to finish it,
8100:02:52,330 --> 00:02:54,130And then this morning...
8200:02:54,200 --> 00:02:55,630-Hey, ferguson. -hey, arthur.
8300:02:55,700 --> 00:02:56,960How's your day going?
8400:02:57,030 --> 00:02:59,100-I gotta go. -great. how is yours?
8500:02:59,160 --> 00:03:00,800Great, great-- hey, is marshall in yet?
8600:03:00,860 --> 00:03:02,500Oh, thank god.
8700:03:02,560 --> 00:03:04,900Yeah, he's right in there.
8800:03:04,960 --> 00:03:06,500Fantastic. have a good one, buddy.
8900:03:09,900 --> 00:03:11,600And then...
9000:03:11,660 --> 00:03:13,100He screamed at me.
9100:03:13,160 --> 00:03:15,260Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.
9200:03:15,330 --> 00:03:16,900What, that's it?
9300:03:16,960 --> 00:03:20,160You're upset because a guy talked loudly near you?
9400:03:20,230 --> 00:03:21,660Barney, I have never been screamed at
9500:03:21,730 --> 00:03:23,330Like that in my life.
9600:03:23,400 --> 00:03:25,530Come on, when's the last time you got screamed at at work?
9700:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,460I got screamed at three times today.
9800:03:27,530 --> 00:03:28,800Once in korean.
9900:03:30,560 --> 00:03:31,930This is corporate america, marshall.
10000:03:32,000 --> 00:03:33,730Screaming is a motivational tool,
10100:03:33,800 --> 00:03:36,100Like christmas bonuses or sexual harassment.
10200:03:36,160 --> 00:03:38,260It's just good business.
10300:03:38,330 --> 00:03:41,430Oh, baby, it's just not fair.
10400:03:41,500 --> 00:03:43,500You've been working so hard.
10500:03:43,560 --> 00:03:46,830Late nights, weekends.
10600:03:46,900 --> 00:03:49,030I never see you.
10700:03:51,660 --> 00:03:54,130We've barely made love in weeks.
10800:03:57,760 --> 00:04:00,360It's bad, guys,mama needs her sugar.
10900:04:00,430 --> 00:04:03,800Look, marshall, he screamed at you, you took it.
11000:04:03,860 --> 00:04:05,430He probably respects you more for it.
11100:04:05,500 --> 00:04:08,530Yeah, about that...
11200:04:08,600 --> 00:04:12,630So arthur's busy giving me the full screaming treatment...
11300:04:14,300 --> 00:04:15,860Face turning red,
11400:04:15,930 --> 00:04:18,500Vein in his forehead about to burst,
11500:04:18,560 --> 00:04:22,130Spittle flying like shrapnel.
11600:04:22,200 --> 00:04:23,730Everyone you work with walking by your office,
11700:04:23,800 --> 00:04:26,330Peering in.
11800:04:29,530 --> 00:04:32,830And suddenly, I just felt all of it.
11900:04:32,900 --> 00:04:34,000All of what?
12000:04:34,060 --> 00:04:35,430All of it.
12100:04:35,500 --> 00:04:38,100The fact that I became a lawyer to save the environment,
12200:04:38,160 --> 00:04:40,230And now I'm working for the bad guys instead.
12300:04:41,330 --> 00:04:43,030The fact that I am stuck in this job
12400:04:43,100 --> 00:04:44,700Because of a mortgage I can barely afford
12500:04:44,760 --> 00:04:46,630On an apartment that is crooked.
12600:04:46,700 --> 00:04:48,060The fact that I am a grown man,
12700:04:48,160 --> 00:04:50,760and nobody, not even artillery arthur,
12800:04:50,860 --> 00:04:52,660Has the right to talk to me like that!
12900:04:54,000 --> 00:04:56,500I begged my body not to do it.
13000:04:58,260 --> 00:04:59,730But it was no use.
13100:05:05,830 --> 00:05:09,000I just... I just...
13200:05:14,460 --> 00:05:17,130Just because you weren't around for this,
13300:05:17,200 --> 00:05:19,560I called shotgun for all eternity in ted's car.
13400:05:21,160 --> 00:05:28,060
13500:05:28,060 --> 00:05:33,930
13600:05:34,730 --> 00:05:38,360dude I can't believe you cried in front of your boss.
13700:05:38,430 --> 00:05:39,860I don't know what happened.
13800:05:39,930 --> 00:05:41,800There's just something about being yelled at like that,
13900:05:41,860 --> 00:05:44,560Like I was being scolded by my dad.
14000:05:44,630 --> 00:05:47,230Suddenly... suddenly I was a little boy.
14100:05:47,300 --> 00:05:49,730Is "boy" the right word?
14200:05:49,800 --> 00:05:52,600I felt absolutely powerless.
14300:05:52,660 --> 00:05:55,730Flaccid-- hell, i... I felt castrated.
14400:05:55,800 --> 00:05:57,300God, you're hot right now.
14500:05:57,360 --> 00:06:00,730And the worst thing is, tomorrow morning I have to walk
14600:06:00,800 --> 00:06:03,100Into arthur's office and give him the ninja report.
14700:06:03,160 --> 00:06:05,230Ooh. ooh. ninjas are cool.
14800:06:05,300 --> 00:06:07,760How the hell am I supposed to face this guy again?
14900:06:07,830 --> 00:06:10,500Here's what I would do if I were you.
15000:06:11,500 --> 00:06:13,230Hi, arthur.
15100:06:13,300 --> 00:06:14,600Hello, marshall.
15200:06:14,660 --> 00:06:16,560Have you finally finished the ninja report?
15300:06:16,630 --> 00:06:18,600Yeah, I got it.
15400:06:19,330 --> 00:06:20,430Right here.
15500:06:22,700 --> 00:06:25,160I think it's gonna blow you away.
15600:06:25,230 --> 00:06:28,230Please, I have a family.
15700:06:28,300 --> 00:06:30,100So we good?
15800:06:30,160 --> 00:06:31,600We're so good.
15900:06:31,660 --> 00:06:34,030Then why are you still in my office?
16000:06:39,730 --> 00:06:42,460Okay, gun violence might be the answer to everything
16100:06:42,530 --> 00:06:44,400Up in canada, robin,
16200:06:44,460 --> 00:06:47,660But here in america, we solve our problems with words.
16300:06:47,730 --> 00:06:50,500Marshall, you go in and you dazzle this guy
16400:06:50,560 --> 00:06:53,360With a big eloquent speech defending human dignity.
16500:06:53,430 --> 00:06:55,000Like abraham lincoln.
16600:06:55,060 --> 00:06:58,400Yeah, because it's so easy just to bust out a big,
16700:06:58,460 --> 00:07:00,630Eloquent speech off the top of your head.
16800:07:00,700 --> 00:07:02,660Observe.
16900:07:02,730 --> 00:07:03,960Arthur?
17000:07:04,030 --> 00:07:05,030What do you want, marshall?
17100:07:05,100 --> 00:07:07,530Justice, sir.
17200:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,800You see, we are all born with certain incontrovertible rights,
17300:07:09,860 --> 00:07:11,800The most fundamentally paramount of which
17400:07:11,860 --> 00:07:14,200Is the right...
17500:07:14,260 --> 00:07:16,360Wait, you can't be fundamentally paramount.
17600:07:16,430 --> 00:07:18,100One means highest, one means lowest.
17700:07:18,160 --> 00:07:20,200You are nailing this.
17800:07:20,260 --> 00:07:22,130Human beings have rights,
17900:07:22,200 --> 00:07:25,230And those rights are, um...
18000:07:25,300 --> 00:07:27,400You got me hooked, reel me in.
18100:07:27,460 --> 00:07:29,160There are certain justices
18200:07:29,230 --> 00:07:31,130That cannot or will not
18300:07:31,200 --> 00:07:34,500Be inalienable... as such...
18400:07:34,560 --> 00:07:35,960For the future.
18500:07:36,030 --> 00:07:38,230Stuck the landing-- bravo!
18600:07:38,300 --> 00:07:39,230Thank you.
18700:07:41,300 --> 00:07:44,060Security's gonna rough you up a bit on t way out.
18800:07:47,230 --> 00:07:50,130Guys, guys, this is not helping, okay?
18900:07:50,200 --> 00:07:52,600I can't have some big confrontation with arthur.
19000:07:52,660 --> 00:07:55,260I need this job, i... I need the money.
19100:07:55,330 --> 00:07:57,400Yeah, but how good would it feel to walk in there tomorrow,
19200:07:57,460 --> 00:07:58,500Tell him off and then quit?
19300:07:58,560 --> 00:07:59,930It's great to fantasize about,
19400:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,000But nobody ever actually does it.
19500:08:02,060 --> 00:08:03,560Gary blauman did it.
19600:08:03,630 --> 00:08:06,760Guy I used to work with, the guy's a legend now.
19700:08:06,830 --> 00:08:08,500We were at the morning meeting
19800:08:08,560 --> 00:08:11,560and old blauman was getting reamed out but good.
19900:08:11,630 --> 00:08:12,930Pretty much routine
20000:08:13,000 --> 00:08:14,500At the morning meeting, but then,
20100:08:14,560 --> 00:08:17,530On this particular day, something amazing happened.
20200:08:17,600 --> 00:08:18,930You made yourself look bad,
20300:08:19,000 --> 00:08:21,160You made this company look bad, and quite frankly,
20400:08:21,230 --> 00:08:24,760You made our friends, the north koreans, look bad!
20500:08:24,830 --> 00:08:26,260And I'll tell you something else,
20600:08:26,330 --> 00:08:28,100Blauman, if you think for one moment...
20700:08:28,160 --> 00:08:29,700You know what, bilson?
20800:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,460You can kiss my ass.
20900:08:31,530 --> 00:08:33,700Oh, snap.
21000:08:33,760 --> 00:08:35,530-What? -you heard me.
21100:08:35,600 --> 00:08:38,030I don't need to take your crap anymore.
21200:08:38,100 --> 00:08:40,360My cousin's website went public today,
21300:08:40,430 --> 00:08:42,400And I made a pile of money on the ipo,
21400:08:42,460 --> 00:08:45,500so you know what I think Of this whole damn company?
21500:08:49,630 --> 00:08:50,860Oh, my god.
21600:08:50,930 --> 00:08:52,700He peed on the conference table?
21700:08:54,730 --> 00:08:56,000Come on, come on, come on,
21800:08:56,060 --> 00:08:58,500Come on, come on, come on, come on.
21900:08:58,560 --> 00:09:01,500Uh, look, could you guys just look away for a second
22000:09:01,560 --> 00:09:02,700Till I get started?
22100:09:03,700 --> 00:09:05,560Come on.
22200:09:05,630 --> 00:09:07,460Come on.
22300:09:07,530 --> 00:09:10,160Does this help?
22400:09:10,230 --> 00:09:12,460W ur eventually, he just gave up and left.
22500:09:12,530 --> 00:09:14,660And then his cousin's website tanked.
22600:09:14,730 --> 00:09:16,960And then he became a janitor at an old folks' home
22700:09:17,030 --> 00:09:20,560And moved into a one-room apartment above a bowling alley.
22800:09:22,360 --> 00:09:24,600That's it? that's the end of the story?
22900:09:24,660 --> 00:09:27,300No, no, of course not-- he died.
23000:09:27,360 --> 00:09:29,030How does that help me?
23100:09:29,100 --> 00:09:30,960How does any of this help me?
23200:09:31,030 --> 00:09:32,960Can somebody, for god's sakes,
23300:09:33,060 --> 00:09:36,260Please give me one piece of useful advice?
23400:09:36,330 --> 00:09:38,230Lily, control your woman.
23500:09:39,630 --> 00:09:42,260The lesson of blauman is that when your boss
23600:09:42,330 --> 00:09:44,830Screams at you, you never scream back.
23700:09:44,900 --> 00:09:46,900That's why there's a little thing in corporate america
23800:09:46,960 --> 00:09:50,060I like to call the chain of screaming.
23900:09:50,130 --> 00:09:51,800-Chain of screaming? -yes.
24000:09:51,860 --> 00:09:54,330The chain of screaming starts at the top.
24100:09:54,400 --> 00:09:57,700Arthur's boss's boss screams at arthur's boss.
24200:09:57,760 --> 00:10:00,330Arthur's boss screams at arthur.
24300:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,400Arthur screams at you.
24400:10:02,460 --> 00:10:04,900You go home and scream at lily.
24500:10:04,960 --> 00:10:09,200Lily screams at one of the kids in her kindergarten class.
24600:10:09,260 --> 00:10:12,230Then that kid screams at her dad,
24700:10:12,300 --> 00:10:14,860Arthur's boss's boss.
24800:10:14,930 --> 00:10:17,730And the whole thing starts all over again,
24900:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,930Thus completing the circle of screaming.
25000:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,460I thought it was a chain of screaming.
25100:10:22,530 --> 00:10:25,000It's a circle, ted, I called it a circle.
25200:10:25,060 --> 00:10:27,160I don't scream at lily.
25300:10:27,230 --> 00:10:29,130And I don't scream at my kids,
25400:10:29,200 --> 00:10:31,860None of whom have parents who work at marshall's firm.
25500:10:31,930 --> 00:10:33,700So it's not a circle.
25600:10:33,760 --> 00:10:35,860Fine-- you want it to be a chain of screaming,
25700:10:35,930 --> 00:10:37,400It's a chain of screaming.
25800:10:37,460 --> 00:10:38,930I came up with the circle idea halfway through,
25900:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,860Cause I thought it was a more elegant metaphor,
26000:10:40,930 --> 00:10:42,400But fine, ruin it!
26100:10:42,460 --> 00:10:44,530You guys always undermine me
26200:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,960When I'm trying to make a point, and I'm sick of it!
26300:10:47,030 --> 00:10:49,360God, I'm surrounded by idiots!
26400:10:49,430 --> 00:10:51,260Idiots!
26500:10:53,700 --> 00:10:56,460See, doesn't everyone feel better now?
26600:10:56,530 --> 00:10:58,360Lily, I need your take on this.
26700:10:58,430 --> 00:11:00,030What... what should I do?
26800:11:00,100 --> 00:11:02,300Well, what I teach my kids in kindergarten...
26900:11:02,360 --> 00:11:03,960Oh, god.
27000:11:04,030 --> 00:11:07,700Kt.is, when dealing with a bully, the most important thing
27100:11:07,760 --> 00:11:10,030Is to be constructive and positive.
27200:11:10,100 --> 00:11:11,860Hello, arthur.
27300:11:11,930 --> 00:11:13,060Hello, marshall.
27400:11:13,130 --> 00:11:15,630I have the ninja report right here.
27500:11:15,700 --> 00:11:17,200But arthur,
27600:11:17,260 --> 00:11:20,360In the future, if you want someone to do their best work,
27700:11:20,430 --> 00:11:23,800Try to motivate them, not with fear and intimidation,
27800:11:23,860 --> 00:11:27,800But through encouragement, inspiration and respect.
27900:11:29,130 --> 00:11:32,300Well said, marshall-- I needed to hear that.
28000:11:33,330 --> 00:11:34,600By the way,
28100:11:34,660 --> 00:11:36,460I saw your wife's picture in your office.
28200:11:36,530 --> 00:11:37,530That is one tasty slice.
28300:11:37,600 --> 00:11:38,860Oh, you're damn right.
28400:11:38,930 --> 00:11:41,500You know what I'm gonna do when I get home?
28500:11:41,560 --> 00:11:43,200Oh, yeah.
28600:11:43,260 --> 00:11:45,160I'm gonna rip that girl's clothes off...
28700:11:45,230 --> 00:11:46,560That's it.
28800:11:46,630 --> 00:11:47,900...just throw her on the bed...
28900:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,530That's where she belongs.
29000:11:49,600 --> 00:11:52,060...and drive her home like a pack of sled dogs!
29100:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,500It's bad, guys.
29200:11:58,560 --> 00:12:00,160Mama needs it bad.
29300:12:01,760 --> 00:12:04,360You're right, baby, it's about respect.
29400:12:04,430 --> 00:12:06,730That is the first useful thing anyone's said to me tonight.
29500:12:06,800 --> 00:12:08,300Can you give me that speech again?
29600:12:08,360 --> 00:12:10,460I'm gonna drive her home like a pack of...
29700:12:10,530 --> 00:12:11,800No, the other part, please.
29800:12:11,860 --> 00:12:14,530I have the ninja report right here, but...
29900:12:14,600 --> 00:12:16,530And it seemed like that was the end of it,
30000:12:16,600 --> 00:12:18,200But it wasn't, because the next night...
30100:12:18,260 --> 00:12:20,330Which of these carpets would look better
30200:12:20,400 --> 00:12:21,860In the new apartment?
30300:12:21,930 --> 00:12:25,060I like the color of this one, but this one's so soft.
30400:12:25,130 --> 00:12:27,260It would feel great on your bare feet...
30500:12:27,330 --> 00:12:31,900...or your bare back, a bead of eager sweat
30600:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,560Rolling down
30700:12:33,630 --> 00:12:35,500Your trembling bosom.
30800:12:37,630 --> 00:12:40,400Lily, didn't we just go through this with bathroom tiles?
30900:12:44,300 --> 00:12:45,500Shh, don't say my name.
31000:12:45,560 --> 00:12:47,400Lily can't know it's me.
31100:12:47,460 --> 00:12:48,660Just pretend you're talking to stella.
31200:12:48,730 --> 00:12:49,830Be all lovey dovey.
31300:12:49,900 --> 00:12:51,500Hey, stella.
31400:12:52,560 --> 00:12:54,830Sweetie, how's it going?
31500:12:54,900 --> 00:12:57,930Not good, not good at all.
31600:12:58,000 --> 00:12:59,330Where are you right now?
31700:12:59,400 --> 00:13:02,160Right downstairs, come find me.
31800:13:02,230 --> 00:13:03,860Without lily.
31900:13:03,930 --> 00:13:06,660Okay, I'll see you soon.
32000:13:06,730 --> 00:13:08,600I love you.
32100:13:08,660 --> 00:13:10,430I love you, too.
32200:13:12,600 --> 00:13:15,800Wow, you two are already saying the "l" word, huh?
32300:13:15,860 --> 00:13:17,130Apparently.
32400:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,030You hitting that?
32500:13:28,630 --> 00:13:30,560I'm in trouble, ted.
32600:13:32,830 --> 00:13:34,560Ted, I'm freakin' out, man.
32700:13:34,630 --> 00:13:38,060Um... it's a new car, so just be careful...
32800:13:38,130 --> 00:13:39,930I did something stupid-- can we just drive somewhere?
32900:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,560I need to get away-- just drive, man.
33000:13:41,630 --> 00:13:42,930Please just drive.
33100:13:44,430 --> 00:13:46,500It's just, this is a really good parking spot.
33200:13:46,560 --> 00:13:48,000Dude!
33300:13:48,060 --> 00:13:49,700Look, just tell me what happened first.
33400:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,930Remember how I said I was gonna give that big speech
33500:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,000That lily told me to give, be firm but respectful?
33600:13:54,060 --> 00:13:55,560Well, it didn't totally go that way.
33700:13:55,630 --> 00:13:57,030There is a lot of ketchup on that burger.
33800:13:58,060 --> 00:14:00,360Sorry-- what happened?
33900:14:00,430 --> 00:14:01,960After we all finished talking last night,
34000:14:02,030 --> 00:14:04,430I went to the diner to finish working on the ninja report.
34100:14:05,830 --> 00:14:06,830Hey, marshall.
34200:14:08,700 --> 00:14:10,760How long have you been sitting there?
34300:14:10,830 --> 00:14:13,560If you go in there with lily's kindergarten nonsense,
34400:14:13,630 --> 00:14:15,200You're gonna get torn apart.
34500:14:15,260 --> 00:14:17,230I'm here to save your life-- you hungry?
34600:14:17,300 --> 00:14:19,100Yeah, I was just about to order.
34700:14:19,160 --> 00:14:20,430What do you want?
34800:14:20,500 --> 00:14:21,700A blt and gravy fries.
34900:14:22,860 --> 00:14:24,600Okay, friends, what do you like?
35000:14:24,660 --> 00:14:26,530A green tea with lemon for me,
35100:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,730And for my friend here, the meatloaf, please.
35200:14:28,800 --> 00:14:29,800Very good.
35300:14:29,860 --> 00:14:32,230No, I didn't want meatloaf.
35400:14:32,300 --> 00:14:35,460Marshall, the chain of screaming is a real thing.
35500:14:35,530 --> 00:14:39,060Arthur screamed at you-- now you have to scream at someone else.
35600:14:39,130 --> 00:14:40,500No, I don't.
35700:14:40,560 --> 00:14:43,500Yes, you do, or else that anger is gonna eat you alive.
35800:14:43,560 --> 00:14:45,730Who would I even scream at?
35900:14:45,800 --> 00:14:47,130I don't know.
36000:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,700How about somebody who's disappointed you?
36100:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,430Someone who's let you down.
36200:14:52,500 --> 00:14:54,760Someone who's gonna bring you meatloaf
36300:14:54,830 --> 00:14:59,530When you explicitly ordered a blt and gravy fries.
36400:15:02,530 --> 00:15:04,300No.
36500:15:04,360 --> 00:15:05,960Hey, I was just heading to the bar.
36600:15:06,030 --> 00:15:07,360What are you guys doing out here?
36700:15:07,430 --> 00:15:08,500Oh, I was just telling ted a story.
36800:15:08,560 --> 00:15:10,630Ooh, I like stories.
36900:15:10,700 --> 00:15:12,400You want a lick?
37000:15:13,730 --> 00:15:16,360-What? -is that ice cream cone big enough?
37100:15:16,430 --> 00:15:18,630Uh, it's delicious enough.
37200:15:18,700 --> 00:15:20,530Okay, so...
37300:15:20,600 --> 00:15:21,930Then I say to barney...
37400:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,760I'm not gonna scream at the waiter, barney.
37500:15:24,830 --> 00:15:26,030Yes, you are.
37600:15:27,260 --> 00:15:30,560That waiter is every boss and every bully
37700:15:30,630 --> 00:15:32,760Who ever embarrassed or belittled you.
37800:15:33,760 --> 00:15:35,230And how dare he deny you
37900:15:35,300 --> 00:15:36,630The one thing that you want,
38000:15:36,700 --> 00:15:38,730That would make you happy at this moment.
38100:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,230A blt and gravy fries.
38200:15:42,530 --> 00:15:45,660One green tea with lemon, one meatloaf.
38300:15:45,730 --> 00:15:48,500Enjoy, my friends.
38400:15:48,560 --> 00:15:49,530Marshall.
38500:15:49,600 --> 00:15:50,930Excuse me?
38600:15:52,730 --> 00:15:54,160Yes?
38700:15:54,230 --> 00:15:56,030This is not what I ordered.
38800:15:56,100 --> 00:15:58,130Yes, it is.
38900:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,000I beg your pardon, sir,
39000:16:03,060 --> 00:16:06,300But I ordered a blt and gravy fries,
39100:16:06,360 --> 00:16:08,830And as the customer, I'm always right, so...
39200:16:08,900 --> 00:16:12,460No, no, I am not going to stand here and take this!
39300:16:12,560 --> 00:16:16,160I am at the end of a triple shift-- that's 18 hours!--
39400:16:16,230 --> 00:16:17,360And then I have
39500:16:17,430 --> 00:16:19,400To take two trains and a bus to astoria
39600:16:19,460 --> 00:16:22,760To have my wife scream at me because I'm never home.
39700:16:22,830 --> 00:16:25,960No, no, you eat your damn meatloaf!
39800:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,530Hey, what are you guys doing out here?
39900:16:30,600 --> 00:16:32,360Oh sweet, can I get a toot?
40000:16:32,430 --> 00:16:34,000Uh-uh-- against car rules, it's against car rules!
40100:16:34,060 --> 00:16:35,960Oh, ted, relax, it's cuban.
40200:16:36,030 --> 00:16:37,860People pay to have their car smell like this.
40300:16:37,930 --> 00:16:40,530Well, that's just not true.
40400:16:40,600 --> 00:16:41,930Oh, marshall, switch seats with me.
40500:16:42,000 --> 00:16:43,230I called shotgun for all eternity.
40600:16:43,300 --> 00:16:44,460You can't call shotgun for eternity.
40700:16:44,530 --> 00:16:45,960Well, that's funny, cause I did!
40800:16:46,030 --> 00:16:47,300It's case by case.
40900:16:47,360 --> 00:16:50,060Guys, I'm telling a life-altering story here!
41000:16:51,200 --> 00:16:53,460A 20% tip, really, for that waiter?
41100:16:53,530 --> 00:16:56,260I don't know, barney, he worked a triple, it just...
41200:16:56,330 --> 00:16:58,260If you're not gonna yell at the waiter,
41300:16:58,330 --> 00:16:59,560Yell at me.
41400:16:59,630 --> 00:17:01,230-What? -yell at me.
41500:17:01,300 --> 00:17:03,100I'm not gonna yell at you, barney.
41600:17:03,160 --> 00:17:05,000What, you think you're gonna upset me?
41700:17:05,060 --> 00:17:07,060Please, give me your best shot.
41800:17:07,130 --> 00:17:08,900Okay, fine-- what, you want me to yell at you?
41900:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,660Yeah.
42000:17:10,730 --> 00:17:13,900This is me yelling at you, barney.
42100:17:13,960 --> 00:17:17,000I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of a butterfly
42200:17:17,060 --> 00:17:19,500Landing on a leaf about three blocks away.
42300:17:19,560 --> 00:17:22,600This is me yelling at you, barney!
42400:17:22,660 --> 00:17:25,430Okay, you got some volume, now give me some content.
42500:17:25,500 --> 00:17:26,960Make it hurt.
42600:17:27,030 --> 00:17:30,160You don't look as good in suits as you think you do!
42700:17:30,230 --> 00:17:31,830No, something that's true-- come on.
42800:17:31,900 --> 00:17:33,260The man made you cry.
42900:17:33,330 --> 00:17:34,860Make me cry.
43000:17:34,930 --> 00:17:36,030Your mom's a slut!
43100:17:36,100 --> 00:17:37,660Yes.
43200:17:37,730 --> 00:17:40,460Your mom's a slut, and I'm sorry, barney,
43300:17:40,530 --> 00:17:42,860But you and your brother clearly have different fathers,
43400:17:42,930 --> 00:17:44,360And you know why?
43500:17:44,430 --> 00:17:46,400It's probably because your mom is a slutty slut!
43600:17:46,460 --> 00:17:47,530Keep going.
43700:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,200I don't care what you say.
43800:17:49,260 --> 00:17:50,700Bob barker is not your father!
43900:17:50,760 --> 00:17:53,160Okay, now, well, that's just not cool.
44000:17:53,230 --> 00:17:54,500Oh my god, barney, I'm so sorry...
44100:17:54,560 --> 00:17:56,000No, I'm kidding-- keep going.
44200:17:56,060 --> 00:17:57,600Bob barker's not your father!
44300:17:57,660 --> 00:18:01,030You've concocted this delusional idea that a game show host
44400:18:01,100 --> 00:18:02,860Is your real father, and he's not!
44500:18:02,930 --> 00:18:05,100You were abandoned, barney!
44600:18:05,160 --> 00:18:07,060You were abandoned, and you never dealt with it,
44700:18:07,130 --> 00:18:08,530And so now you never allow yourself
44800:18:08,600 --> 00:18:10,400To feel anything, and that's how you survive
44900:18:10,460 --> 00:18:12,360In this corporate world, and if I keep heading
45000:18:12,430 --> 00:18:14,600Down this path, I'm gonna turn into you!
45100:18:14,660 --> 00:18:16,600And I don't want that!
45200:18:16,660 --> 00:18:18,630I don't want any of this!
45300:18:18,700 --> 00:18:20,900This is not why I became a lawyer.
45400:18:20,960 --> 00:18:23,360This is not the person that I wanted to be.
45500:18:23,430 --> 00:18:26,060I quit, arthur!
45600:18:26,130 --> 00:18:28,360I quit!
45700:18:30,860 --> 00:18:34,860Well, thank you, eriksen, I needed to hear that.
45800:18:34,930 --> 00:18:37,030Really, 'cause I didn't mean to attack you personally,
45900:18:37,100 --> 00:18:38,430It's just that i...
46000:18:38,500 --> 00:18:40,460No, no, no, the part where you said, "i quit."
46100:18:40,530 --> 00:18:42,560Now we don't have to pay you a severance package.
46200:18:44,460 --> 00:18:47,460Uh, security's gonna rough you up a bit on the way out.
46300:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,360Robin, you dropped a little ice cream...
46400:18:56,430 --> 00:18:57,360-Dude! -dude! -dude!
46500:18:57,430 --> 00:18:58,600I'm sorry.
46600:18:58,660 --> 00:19:00,330Don't blame this on me, marshall.
46700:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,330I told you to yell at someone beneath you.
46800:19:02,400 --> 00:19:04,230The circle of screaming is...
46900:19:04,300 --> 00:19:06,400The chain of scr...
47000:19:06,460 --> 00:19:08,800Pyramid-- the pyramid of screaming!
47100:19:08,860 --> 00:19:10,660The pyramid of screaming.
47200:19:10,730 --> 00:19:12,930How am I supposed to tell lily?
47300:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,800She supported me through three years of law school,
47400:19:14,860 --> 00:19:17,160And now is the time when I'm supposed to pay her back.
47500:19:18,500 --> 00:19:19,760Now we're gonna lose the apartment.
47600:19:19,830 --> 00:19:22,160The place where we were gonna raise our children.
47700:19:22,230 --> 00:19:24,630How am I supposed to tell the person who I love
47800:19:24,700 --> 00:19:26,300More than anything in this world
47900:19:26,360 --> 00:19:28,000That I've just thrown away our future?
48000:19:33,430 --> 00:19:35,200Everybody out, everybody out of the new car!
48100:19:35,260 --> 00:19:36,430Out of the new car!
48200:19:36,500 --> 00:19:38,430Ted, screaming never solves anything.
48300:19:38,500 --> 00:19:42,960And so marshall finally had to tell lily what happened.
48400:19:43,030 --> 00:19:44,900I'm so sorry.
48500:19:44,960 --> 00:19:47,360I just lost it.
48600:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,300But I can fix it.
48700:19:49,360 --> 00:19:51,560First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna go in there
48800:19:51,630 --> 00:19:56,700On my hands and knees and beg for my job back.
48900:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,600No, you're not.
49000:19:58,660 --> 00:20:00,760What?
49100:20:00,830 --> 00:20:04,960Marshall, our future isn't money or an apartment.
49200:20:05,030 --> 00:20:07,560And it's definitely not you being miserable
49300:20:07,630 --> 00:20:09,030At that horrible job.
49400:20:10,900 --> 00:20:13,800I'm just happy to have my husband back.
49500:20:13,860 --> 00:20:16,530We'll figure the rest out.
49600:20:17,530 --> 00:20:19,800I love you.
49700:20:19,860 --> 00:20:21,400I love you, too.
49800:20:23,260 --> 00:20:25,860Ultimately, they were able to make ends meet
49900:20:25,930 --> 00:20:29,030Without going bust on the apartment.
50000:20:30,060 --> 00:20:31,900You sure about this?
50100:20:31,960 --> 00:20:35,300Yeah, who needs a car in new york city, right?
50200:20:36,830 --> 00:20:39,130Ted, I don't think I can accept...
50300:20:39,200 --> 00:20:41,100Marshall, don't make me scream at you.
50400:20:44,100 --> 00:20:45,100Thanks a lot, buddy.
50500:20:48,330 --> 00:20:49,930You guys did it in the car, didn't...
50600:20:50,000 --> 00:20:51,360Oh, yeah!
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