I Could Have Killed Someone

8/7/2019 I Could Have Killed Someone

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I Could Have Killed Someone

If you want to know your past, examine your present conditions.If you want to know your future, examine your present actions.- Buddhist saying

I woke up this morning ready for a fight. The slightest provocationmight have set me off. More than that may have resulted in such ragethat I would not have hesitated to do anything--absolutely anything--to end the irritation. I felt ready with every fibre of my being. I was incontrol of my emotions, or so I thought, but only because nothingcame along to provoke me.

Not long after, I had fed our cats, made coffee and was sitting sippingand chatting with my wife when my strange mood vanished as quicklyas it had come.

My life testifies to my devotion to non-violence, even to the extent of allowing myself to be beaten up psychologically and emotionallysometimes because I refused to fight back. I won't even fight backwith words because: (a) you can never win an argument with anirrational person; and (b) I will never have a battle of wits with anunarmed opponent. In this case, I didn't have an opponent, to mygreat relief, after the fact.

Why, I wondered, had I experienced this sudden rage with the

potential for violence? As a student of human behaviour, I requiredsome introspection. Does a devil hide within me, as some religionsmight claim? Did I experience a moment of temporary insanity, adefence argument used in some murder cases in courts in the USA? Ididn't care for either explanation. Something else was going on insideme.

Something had made me, in effect, a different person for a shortperiod of time. What could do that? And why? As I pride myself in myability at mind control (over my own body), why had that ability failedme when I needed it most? I really didn't like that other person. Thatother person would have been a social pariah. That person wasdangerous. That other person was me, but not me. I was, briefly, myown anti-me.

The explanation for my temporary antisocial behaviour revolvesaround imbalances in brain chemistry. In my case, perhaps in untoldothers who are behind bars or in psychological confinement facilities





so many parts of the body have to agree to not misbehave, to reactinappropriately. That includes the brain, which counts on signals fromthe thyroid before secreting its own proteins which affect many partsof the body.

The brain also controls itself. My "not normal chemically" brain hasfought the change in thyroid messages kicking and screaming. Inpractice that meant the equivalent of waking nightmares or anxietyattacks in the second half of my time in bed each night. By morningmy wife might have coffee with the normal sweet husband she knowsor she might wish I was still a bachelor in transit to Mars. Neither of ushad any way to know what I would be like each morning.

In my bad state I had a hair-trigger temper, flying into a rage over themost insignificant matters. They even included errors or oversights Ihad made myself. My "stupidity" at something insignificant I had donecaused me to be angry with myself (and none too quiet about iteither). Sometimes I wished I would not have to live out the rest of my day. That's serious.

I won't bore you (or over-excite you) with details that deserve to beconfidential. Let's just say I never became physically aggressive orviolent, nor did I become verbally abusive. Loud and nasty, yes. Let'salso say that the bad moods never lasted more than a few hours atmost. Let's add that I hated myself every second I suffered with thebad mood because I was incapable of acting like the me I knew myself to be. I knew I was out of control, but lacked any ability to changemyself.

People with faulty thyroids do not carry around flags advertising thefact so others can see them and recognize a person with a problem.Many with a thyroid problem may know nothing about their problem.What's worse, even a person whose blood tests show their thyroidlevel to be in the average or normal range may be anything but, in thereal world. Medical tests are guides, not laws by which we all mustlive.

As my endocrinologist said, "We will find the right level for you, foryour life." Good. The adjustment was hard. Too bad it didn't come 20years ago when I was first identified as hypothyroid.

Norms and averages in medicine are for textbooks, not for people. Inreal flesh-and-blood cases such as you and me and those we know andlove, each of us is very different. "Unique" would not be an out-of-



place descriptor.

If you believe you are different from the norm from a healthstandpoint, speak up to your doctor. You don't live in a textbook. Youlive inside your own skin (your doctor doesn't). You want to continue

to do so for as long as possible.

That may mean you have to tell your doctor you believe he is wrong,that you need different diagnosis and treatment. The doctor may needto see the same things, but differently. It may mean seeking othermedical opinions. It may make you somewhat unpopular with yourdoctors, who have their own biases to cherish and dogma to follow.Too bad for them, not you.

Remember, your doctor does not live inside your skin. You do. Try tokeep it that way.

Bill Allin is the author of Turning It Around: Causes and Cures for Today's Epidemic Social Problems , a guidebook for parents andteachers who want to grow children who develop socially andemotionally in healthy ways, as schools rarely address thosedevelopmental needs.Learn more at http://billallin.com

http://billallin.com/

http://billallin.com/

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I Could Have Killed Someone