Does someone in your life haveborderline personality disorder (BPD)?Only a mental health professionalskilled in treating BPD clients can makean accurate diagnosis. But people whoshare their lives with someone who hasBPD usually experience feelings and sit-uations that are remarkably similar.Read the following list of statements.How many of them sound like some-thing you might say?

I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.No matter what I say or do, she twistsit and uses it against me.

He blames and criticizes me foreverything that goes wrong, evenwhen it makes no logical sense.

I feel like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster. When I come home, will I begreeted at the door by the caring per-son I fell in love with? Or will it bethe raging tyrant who’s got to haveher way, no matter what?

He sees me as either all good or allbad, with nothing in between. Andwhen he feels one way about me, he

can’t remember ever feeling anyother way.

I feel manipulated, controlled, andeven lied to.

I’m afraid to ask for things in ourrelationship. When I do, she tells methat I’m too demanding or that myneeds are wrong or not important.

I find myself hiding what I think andfeel because it’s just not worth thescene that follows when I’m honest.It’s become so automatic that I havea hard time figuring out what I’mreally feeling.

He accuses me of doing things Inever did and saying things I neversaid. I’m tempted to tape record ourconversations and play them back tohim.

She’s constantly putting me down.But as soon as I try to leave, she willact loving again, tell me that she’llchange, and beg me to stay. Or,she’ll threaten me.

I try to do what she wants me to do.But just when I think I’ve got therules down, she changes them.

If several of these sound famil-iar, we have good news for you. You arenot going crazy. Everything is not yourfault. You are not alone either. This maybe happening because someone you careabout has BPD. If the person you careabout really wants help, there is treat-ment available that can offer hope. Andeven if they will not change their behav-ior, there are steps you can take to gaincontrol of your life.

What is BPD?

BPD is a personality disorderthat affects about six million people inNorth America. That makes BPD twiceas common as schizophrenia and 50%more common than Alzheimers disease.This also means that for every border-line, there are usually at least three non-borderlines (the BP’s partner, friend,child, parent, sibling, etc.) who aregoing through the same things that youare. That is at least 18 million non-BPsjust in North America!

When your Partner / Family Member has Borderline Personality Disorder

"I Hate You - Don't Leave Me"

Do you try to avoid horrible, confusing arguments by concealing

your thoughts and feelings?

Are you being accused of things you never did or said?

Do you feel like you are always walking on eggshells? That

anything you do or say will be twisted against you?

Are you at the end of your rope?

by Randi Kreger

40 www.GBonkers.com

"I Hate You - Don't Leave Me"Typical BPD Symptoms

People with BPD are people inpain. They tend to feel worthless, empty,moody, needy, depressed, and have diffi-culty managing their emotions. Theyhave trouble with boundaries -- boththeir own and respecting others. Theyare looking for that all-loving "other"who will provide the unconditional lovethey can’t give themselves. They oftenact inconsistently, and act impulsively inways they later regret.

People with BPD needlesslycreate crisis or live a chaotic lifestyle.They will cut people out of their lifeover issues that seem trivial oroverblown. They may act competentand controlled in some situations butextremely out of control in others.

BP’s verbally abuse others,criticizing and blaming them to the pointwhere it feels brutal. They act verballyabusive toward people they know verywell, while putting on a charming frontfor others. They can switch from onemode to the other in seconds. They mayact in what seems like extreme or con-trolling ways to get their own needs met.They do and say something inappropri-ate to focus the attention on them whenthey feel ignored. They accuse others ofdoing things they did not do, havingfeelings they do not feel, or believingthings they do not believe.

BP’s often have highly unstablesocial relationships. Their relationshipswith their loved ones are usually verystormy. Their attitudes towards family,friends, and loved ones may suddenlyshift from great admiration and love onone day, to intense anger and dislike thenext day. They may think their partner iswonderful one day, but when a slightconflict or disagreement occurs, theyunexpectedly switch to the extreme andaccuse their partner of "not caring aboutthem at all”. They see others as either allgood or all bad, and base their beliefs onfeelings instead of facts. They have astrong fear of abandonment.

Acting Out, Acting In

Most borderline behavior isabout one thing: trying to cope withinternal anguish. BP’s commonly man-age their intense pain in two ways: theyeither act "in" or act "out". Some BP’swill mainly act "in". Some will mainlyact "out". And some will act both in andout.

Acting “out” behaviors areattempts to alleviate pain by dumping itonto someone else - for example, by rag-ing, blaming, criticizing, making accu-sations, and abusing others either verbal-ly, emotionally or physically. Theyblame loved ones for all their problems,put others in no-win situations, and useemotional blackmail to get the love theyneed. Acting-out behaviors cause directanguish for friends, family members,and partners.

BP's who act “in” may mutilatethemselves, make suicide attempts,express self-hate, and engage in self-destructive behavior. They may try to hold in their anger, and blame them-selves for problems that are not theirfault. Acting-in behaviors mostly hurtthe BP themselves, although, those wholove and care for them are affected.

High Functioning, LowFunctioning

People with BPD vary a greatdeal in their functionality: that is, in theirability to live a normal lifestyle, workinside or outside the home, cope witheveryday problems, interact with others,and so on.

People who are close to low-functioning BP's often find themselvesliving from crisis to crisis. They oftenfeel manipulated by self-mutilation andsuicide attempts. However, because theBP is obviously ill, non-BP's continue tooffer their support. Some BP's are soincapacitated by their illness that theyare unable to work. They may spend a

great deal of time in the hospital becauseof self-mutilation, severe eating disor-ders, substance abuse, or suicideattempts. BPD makes it very hard forthem to form relationships, so they mayhave a weak support system. They maybe so incapable of dealing with moneythat they have no cash for food or a placeto live.

High-functioning borderlinesact perfectly normal most of the time.Successful, outgoing, and well-liked,they may show their other side only topeople they know very well. Althoughthese BP's may feel the same way insideas their less-functional counterparts,they have covered it up very well-sowell, in fact, that they may be strangersunto themselves. Non-BP's involvedwith this type of BP need to have theirperceptions and feelings confirmed.Friends and family members who don'tknow the BP as well may not believestories of rage and verbal abuse. Manynon-BP's told us that even their thera-pists refused to believe them when theydescribed the BP's out-of-control behav-ior. Of course, there's a lot of room inbetween high-functioning and low-functioning BP's.

Defense Mechanisms

People with BPD use the samekinds of defense mechanisms we do, butto a greater extreme. BPs developedthese defense mechanisms as children,when they were useful in warding offfear, shame, abandonment, and othernegative emotions. Now that the BP isan adult, these strategies do not work

continued next page

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anymore. But it is hard for BP’s to givethem up because they have become soautomatic and they worked in the past.Here are some of the defense mecha-nisms borderlines use:

Everything Is Your Fault: Continualblame and criticism is a defense mecha-nism that BP's who act out use as a sur-vival tool. The BP continually blamesand criticizes those around them. Thecriticism often crosses the line into ver-bal, emotional or physical abuse. Thecriticism may be based on a real issuethat the person with BPD has exaggerat-ed, or it may be a pure fantasy on theBP's part. If you object to the criticismor try to defend yourself, the BP mayaccuse you of being defensive, too sen-sitive, or unable to accept constructivecriticism. Since their very survivalseems to be at stake, they may defendthemselves with the ferociousness of amother bear protecting her cubs. Whenthe crisis has passed and the BP seems tohave won, they may act surprised thatyou're still upset.

Good or Evil: BP's have a hard timeseeing gray areas. They see others aseither all good or all bad, and base theirbeliefs on feelings instead of facts. Tothem, people and situations are all blackor white, wonderful or evil. Dividing theworld into good or evil makes it easierfor BP's to understand. But it means thatif you don't agree with everything theBP says, you're a horrible person who isagainst them.

Me, Me, Me: BP's demand attention tothemselves and their own needs, often tothe extreme. For this reason, BP's some-times have a hard time when other peo-ple are the focus of attention, such aswhen their partner's time and attention isfocused on someone else. For example,their partner may be on the phone chat-ting, and the BP will interrupt anddemand attention. BP's may also have ahard time giving support when it isneeded, as they are usually only focusedon their own needs.

Manipulation: BP's often use fear,obligation and guilt to get their partnerto give them what they want. This iswhy non-BP's often feel manipulated

and lied to. This perceived manipulationoccurs because the BP is trying to getwhat they want, the only way they knowhow. This usually is not purposeful.Rather, it's the result of the BP not beingas skilled in relating to others.

Let's Create the Facts: In general,emotionally healthy people base theirfeelings on facts. If your dad came homedrunk every night (fact) you might feelworried or concerned (feeling). If yourboss complimented you on a big project(fact) you would feel proud and happy(feeling). People with BPD, however,may do the opposite. When their feel-ings don't fit the facts, they may uncon-sciously revise the facts to fit their feel-ings. This may be one reason why theirperception of events is so different fromyours.

Tag, You’re It: Some people with BPDwho act out may use a more complicat-ed type of defense mechanism - we'venamed it "Tag, You're It"- to relieve theiranxiety, pain, and feelings of shame.People with BPD usually lack a clearsense of who they are, and feel emptyand inherently defective. Others seem torun away from them, which is lonely andexcruciatingly painful. So BP's cope bytrying to "tag" or "put" these feelingsonto someone else. This is called projec-tion. Projection is denying one's ownunpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelingsby attributing them (often in an accusingway) to someone else. Sometimes theprojection is an exaggeration of some-thing that has a basis in reality. Forexample, the BP may accuse you of"hating" them when you just feel irritat-ed. Sometimes the projection may comeentirely from their imagination: forexample, they accuse you of flirting witha salesclerk when you were just askingfor directions to the shoe department.The BP's unconscious hope is that byprojecting this unpleasant stuff ontoanother person-by tagging someone elseand making them "it" like a game of Tag- the person with BPD will feel betterabout themselves.

What Can Cause BPD?In general, BPD could be caused

by impaired brain chemistry, which can

be treated with medication. It also couldbe from early environmental influences,anything from long-term isolation to anearly infectious disease, to severe physi-cal or sexual abuse. A traumatic event canalso be a trigger that brings on symptoms.Each case is different.

Treatment OptionsWhen a person with BPD

allows themselves to be treated (denialis often part of the disorder), treatmentgenerally consists of: medications,which are often successfully used toreduce depression, dampen emotionalups and downs, and put the brakes onexcessive impulsivity. Therapy, espe-cially cognitive-behavioral therapy, is anoption. The major problems are findinga qualified therapist and getting the BPinto therapy.

How can I help the BPin my life?

Before you knew about BPD,you were probably very confused aboutthe behavior of the BP in your life. Nowthat you know it is a treatable disorder,it's understandable that you want to helpthat person and get them into the besttreatment program available. If the BPacknowledges that they need help andwants treatment, you can help them findthe most knowledgeable, experiencedtreatment program available.

Getting Off the RollercoasterNow that we have discussed the ABCsof BPD, we will give you some steps forgetting off the emotional roller coasterand taking charge of your life. You canapply these steps even if the BP in yourlife does not change. You will need tocomplete certain steps before you canbegin some of the others. As an obviousexample, you must determine your per-sonal limits before you can explain themto anyone else. Other steps need to bepracticed on an ongoing basis, for exam-ple, not taking the BP¹s actions person-ally and taking good care of yourself.

Step 1: Accept that you cannot make theBP seek treatment.

I Hate you, Don’t Leave me - continued

42 www.GBonkers.com

Step 2: Stop taking the borderline¹sactions personally.

Step 3: Take care of yourself and acceptthat you did not cause BPD, you cannotcontrol it, and you cannot cure it.

Step 4: Examine yourself and the rela-tionship. Take responsibility for yourown behavior, but not anyone else¹s.

Step 5: Create more predictability inyour life by identifying triggers (sensi-tive areas) that lead to borderlinedefense mechanisms. Then, determineyour own triggers.

Step 6: Pay attention to your thoughtsand feelings in order to clarify your per-sonal limits. Observe them consistently.

Step: 7: Learn general guidelines forcommunicating with someone withBPD.

Step 8: When appropriate, shift respon-sibility for the BP¹s thoughts, feelings,and actions back to the BP.

Step 9: Develop a plan to deal withunsafe behavior before it occurs, andimplement it if necessary.

Step 10: Be aware of the needs of anychildren. Take immediate steps to maketheir environment as safe, predictable,supportive, and nurturing as you can.

Randi Kreger is the well-known coauthor of Stop Walking on Eggshells: TakingYour Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline PersonalityDisorder. She is also the author of the Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook.These two bestselling books, along with her prominent website BPDCentral.com,has brought the concerns of family members with a Borderline loved one to aninternational forefront. Together, they’ve sold more than 300,000 copies and beentranslated into several different languages.

Kreger’s popular web site, BPDCentral.com, contains essential information, onlinesupport groups, and much more. It is also the home of Eggshells Press, whichoffers several specialized booklets for various family members: parents (Hope forParents), partners (Love and Loathing), and those who find themselves in familycourt (Splitting and the You’re My World Custody CD.) Kreger gives keynote pre-sentations throughout the United States and has appeared many times in the printand electronic media.

GB

www.GBonkers.com 43

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"I Hate You - Don't Leave Me"by Randi Kreger was published in the

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