IM AN EXPERT HAGGLER AT GARAGE SALES2BY JORY JOHN- - - -PLACE:
Some ladys driveway DAY: Sunday TIME: MorningITEM #1: LAMP PRICE:
$1.00ME: Would you take fifty cents for this lamp?LADY: The lamp is
marked a dollar.ME: I cant go higher than seventy-five cents.LADY:
The lamp works perfectly.ME: Thats of no concern to me. Would you
take seventy-five cents? Yes or no?LADY: I yes, I suppose I
would.ME: Then youve got yourself a deal, lady.- -ITEM #2: A COPY
OF CHICKEN SOUP FORTHE GRANDMOTHERS SOUL PRICE: TEN CENTSME:
[Absentmindedly flipping through some pages]LADY: Thats a lovely
book.ME: Ill give you a nickel for it.LADY: All books are a
dime.ME: Thats crazy. That price is crazy. Ill tell you what Ill
give you the full dime for this book, if you throw in that chair
over there.LADY: The chair is priced at five dollars.ME: So, would
you do both the chair and the book for ten cents?LADY: You can have
the book for ten cents.ME: As previously stated, Ill give you a
nickel for the book. Not every book is worth the same price. Plus,
Ive already read this one.LADY: Youve read Chicken Soup for the
Grandmothers Soul?ME: [Unflinchingly] I have.LADY: So, why do you
want it, then?ME: [Silence]LADY: [Long pause] Sigh. I guess Ill
accept a nickel.ME: Thats a smart decision. Deal.- -ITEM #3: DINNER
PLATE PRICE: FIFTY CENTSME: What do I gotta do to get that dinner
plate for thirty cents?LADY: Im sorry, Im not really sitting out
here to bargain for every lastME: Thirty-five cents! But thats my
final offer.LADY: No, thank you.ME: Forty cents.LADY: The plate is
marked fifty cents. And I think thats a very fair price.ME: [Long
pause] Forty-one cents.LADY: [Sigh]ME: [Without breaking
eye-contact] Forty-two cents.LADY: You would honestly rather count
out forty-two cents than just give me the full fifty cents?ME: I
absolutely would, yes.LADY: [Very long pause] OK. Ill take
forty-two cents.ME: Deal. [Checking pocket] Actually, I only have
two quarters. Do you have eight cents in change?- -ITEM #4: TOASTER
PRICE: $2.00ME: I would never pay two dollars for that
toaster.LADY: That doesnt seem like such a high price to ask. Its
basically brand new. I just happen to have aME: [Interrupting] I
would, however, pay a dollar-fifteen for a toaster, if youre
willing to take the deal right now, lady. Take the deal. Take. The.
Deal.LADY: This toaster is in perfect working condition.ME: So is
my money.LADY: Excuse me?ME: Would you accept a
dollar-fifteen?LADY: No. Somebody else will come along and ME:
Nobody else is coming here to buy your toaster today, lady! Now Im
only willing to pay a dollar and ten cents. My offer actually went
down.LADY: Are you being serious?ME: [Sternly, with squinty eyes]
As serious as a toaster.LADY: What does that even mean?ME: You know
what it means. And now my offer is a dollar and five cents.LADY:
[Pause]ME: [Pretending to check my watch, which is actually just my
bare wrist] Times aticking, lady.LADY: OK, you can have the toaster
for a dollar and five cents.ME: Deal! [Checking my pockets] I
mustve dropped my last nickel. Would you take a dollar for it?LADY:
[Deep sigh] Fine.ME: Deal.- -ITEM #5: WRISTWATCH PRICE: $4ME:
Again, I wasnt actually checking my watch just now, because I dont
happen to own one. At least, not yet. I will. Soon.LADY: The
wristwatch is $4.ME: How about throwing it in for free, since Im
buying so much other stuff?LADY: Id rather not.ME: Youre coming
across as a little cheap, honestly. I live right over there, and Id
love to not have to spread the rumor to everybody that youre a very
stingy yard-sale lady.LADY: [Silence]ME: [Staring]LADY: Fine. You
can have the watch.ME: For free?LADY: Yes.ME: Youve got yourself a
deal. Thank you for not being cheap.- -ITEM #6: CHAIR PRICE:
$5.00LADY: Are you ever going to leave my driveway?ME: Eventually.
With your chair in my truck.LADY: Well, Im not going to go below
five dollars. Its a very nice chair thats been in my family for
years.ME: And Im not going to ask you again to go less than five
dollars.LADY: Youre not?ME: Nope. Im just going to wait all day,
hovering on that patch of grass near the chair, ensuring that
nobody else makes you an offer. Then Im going to silently hand you
two singles and three pennies, and, in turn, you will give me a
slight nod, accepting the transaction. I will then load the chair
into my truck, and peel off down the block for effect. Then, I will
circle around and stop in my driveway. Finally, I will unload the
chair, and the rest of this junk, into my basement, where I will
forget about it.LADY: Please dont hover near my chair all day.ME:
In the spirit of bargaining, I suppose I can agree to that.
Instead, I will be waiting over there, by your mailbox. Speaking of
which, is that mailbox for sale? Ill give you sixty-eight cents for
it. Take the deal.
