Randy Klein Jenny Klein

Jeff and MabelHit the Road

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Much have I travell’d in the realms of gold,And many goodly states and kingdoms seen.

John Keats

You’ve got a fast car,I’ve got a plan to get us out of here.

Tracy Chapman

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Jeff and MabelHit the Road

Randy KleinJenny Klein

Ta k i n g S h a p e B o o k s

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First Published in 2009 by Taking Shape BooksLondon

Typeset in Adobe Garamond

Taking Shape Books30 Homeleigh RoadLondon SE15 3EE+44 (0)207 635 8627info@randyklein.co.ukwww.randyklein.co.uk

Images © Randy Klein 2009Text © Jenny Klein 2009

ISBN 0-9542951-3-7

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Contents

Norfolk 7

Glasgow 30

Italy 47

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Norfolk

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On Friday 24 April 1992, newly combined couple rowdy YankJeff and English rose Mabel set off for their first weekend awaytogether. Destination Norfolk, Mabel’s childhood favourite. Jeff isnot so sure, his experience of England beyond the M25 has left himunimpressed with small town provincial ways and whilst he knowsthe English never miss an opportunity to wax lyrical about theirgreen and pleasant land, he can’t see that it compares to Yosemite

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Jeff and Mabel yak away happily, reconfirming their strong beliefthat they could talk themselves to the North Pole and back, letalone Norfolk.

and it is generally bloody cold. However for now they aresufficiently in love to find every detail fascinating and discover forthe benefit of future statisticians that from SW to NE London ittakes 40 minutes to cover a total of 14 miles.

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Jeff does not like English pubs in the same way that he does notlike anywhere that gives you a five minute window for lunch, withstaff that manage to be both shocked and grumpy about the factthat anyone might be hungry at 12:37 and then, if offered enoughcash, might serve you lukewarm scampi with a snarl. Mabel worriesthat this could be a problem on a weekend in the Englishcountryside.

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There are many things to see along the roadside in Norfolk.They spot dead pheasants, dead rabbits, dead hedgehogs and otherwildlife.

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On arrival at the coast they ask for a room at the WhaleboneCafé in Cley. Only later do they spot the list of rules. Many actionsappear to be prohibited. Jeff insists that he may wish to spit, swear,

undress, use the bathroom, speak or breathe over the next two days.Mabel worries that his uncompromisingly American expectation ofservice from those he is paying may leave them unstuck. Howeverhe persuades her to sneak out without telling the proprietess! Agood thing they are only here for two days, rumours spread fast in

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The next hour is pretty grim as they drive glumly through therain. Will the weather never clear? Will they never find a pillow torest their weary limbs?

these parts and soon there will be lynch mobs seeking the bigAmerican and his moll. Mabel secretly quite likes the idea of beinga moll.

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Mabel gives up on the accommodation hunt and takes Jeff toHolkham beach for a bracing walk. It is flat and bleak, empty,windy, a million miles from London. If he hates it she’ll be ready togive up. He doesn’t hate it. The weekend regains its point.

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The sea is a thin flat strip of grey between paler grey sand andsky. The beach stretches for miles in both directions. Jeff looks likea black dot on Mabel’s horizon.

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The wind nearly blows Jeff ’s ears off and he realizes how wiseMabel was to bring a hat.

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Refreshed they jump back into the car to find a bed for thenight. Screeching to a halt outside an antique shop with a B & Bsign in the window, Jeff approves of the dotty old lady in a wig whooffers them a cup of tea and some biscuits. There doesn’t appear tobe a list of rules. They have arrived.

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That evening Jeff is in such a good mood that Mabel managesto get him into a pub. God knows she needs a drink. There mightbe some charming locals at the Lobster Pot bar and restaurantsometimes, but not today. However Jeff doesn’t start any argumentsor even use the word ‘wanker’ above a whisper and if the landlordhates Americans he doesn’t let it show, so Mabel knocks back a fewand counts her blessings.

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On Saturday the sun shines, the birds sing, Titchwell beach isdeserted and only the filthy thoughts of Jeff and Mabel can bringthe beautiful surroundings below EEC purity levels.

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Despite the miles of empty sand they are never alone becausethe other visitors, though few in number, all have super-powerfulzoom lens binoculars which never leave the bridges of their noses.Mabel explains that they are bird-watching ‘twitchers’. Jeff has a fewother words for them.

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Braced by their walk they set off in search of the bright lights ofthe big city and discover…Hunstanton! Mabel revels in the out ofseason seaside atmosphere; the fish and chips, the chilly promenade,the tourist fudge. Jeff is almost speechless at the complete and utterconfirmation of all his worst fears about what awaits him if Mabelever persuades him to move out of London.

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In one of the most exciting games yet seen this century, the USAnarrowly manages to regain the Master of the Universe trophy fromthe UK. Tears of joy and rage are wept.

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After a satisfyingly fishy lunch Jeff and Mabel set off toexplore the sights and sounds of Hunstanton. Even Mabel has toadmit that this does not take very long. Jeff is glad to put the pedalto the metal. Hunstanton – farewell.

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They can only agree that Norfolk does not stint on its seabreezes. Exhausted, they take solace in the local art. Everyonearound here is clearly keen on boats, and clear about the waypaintings of those boats should look.

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The lobster dinner tastes good but at 4 am they both wonder ifit had been the right thing to spend £40 on. Still, food poisoningcan be a very bonding experience.

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Mabel cannot face breakfast, but cheered by the continuingsunshine they set off once again. Jeff is particularly thrilled by theSunday morning antique fair at Heacham. He has an endlessfascination for knick knacks and gee gaws and chats happily withthe stall holders.

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Ely cathedral certainly deserves its reputation for largeness.Cambridge offers more twee than the most ardent twee lover couldwish for.

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And finally home, via the romantic North Circular.

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Jeff and Mabel agree that it has been a most satisfactory weekendand look forward to their next trip out of London.

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Glasgow

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Two months later, almost-blazing May in the South East corner,but Jeff and Mabel are flying off to visit Mabel’s friend ScottishSuky in the frozen north i.e. Glasgow which Jeff insists on callingGlarsgee in what he thinks is a pretty damn fine Scottish accent.Jeff is blasé about the flight but less well-travelled Mabel has neverflown from Heathrow before and is quite excited. Her excitementflips between pleasure and anxiety about how Jeff will get on so farnorth.

The airport is the usual mixture of promised sophistication anda collection of tedious tasks. They argue about whether to queue upor keep trying the ticket machines, which for a brief moment seemsto be a very important choice. Luckily the novelty of flying togethersoon kicks in and peace is restored.

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On the plane Mabel excitedly points out the sights beyond thetiny pane of glass but Jeff is too busy sketching to look out of thewindow. Mabel is so happy that she doesn’t care and hugs and kisseshim flamboyantly, which makes Jeff smile. The use of seat belts isdemonstrated by a kindly stewardess. ‘Do you think her lipstick isissued by British Midland’, says Jeff. ‘It matches her blouse so well.’‘It matches her nail varnish even better’, says Mabel, making a mentalnote that Jeff is clearly in touch with his feminine side.

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The taxi driver who takes them from the airport to Glasgow citycentre is a talking tourist office. He has brochures on every aspect ofthe city. He tells Mabel about the shops and Jeff about the artgalleries. He says that the Kenningrove Museum is interesting witha very nice teashop. He says that the Burroughs collection is alsointeresting with a very nice teashop. Jeff looks forward to tea inGlasgow.

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They meet Suky at her place of work and go for lunch in whatJeff insists is a ‘wee’ café. Jeff now uses the word ‘wee’ at everyopportunity, along with ‘hoots’ and ‘sporran’, chuckling the while athis own wit. Suky shares Mabel’s concern that if Jeff does not keephis voice down he will soon be toughed up. After lunch Jeff andMabel head off for the Kelvingrove Museum and Art Gallery.Glasgow seems quiet, leafy and above all damp, but they enjoy thesocialist atmosphere of the huge old museum.

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From the museum they walk up Sauchiehall Street, find theCentre for Contemporary Art and go in to examine a display ofwork from Australia. This leaves Jeff fuming about public moneyspent on pretentious rubbish. Ignoring him, Mabel wanders off togaze at intricate embroidery by one of the artists and exchangeflirtatious smiles with the cute young man in the coffee shop. Jeffstrides around the large and empty lobby insisting loudly that itslargeness and emptiness proves his point. Which it probably does.

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They pick Suky up from work and go with her to Dennistounwhere she lives in the newly trendy east end of Glasgow. Mabel getsexcited about Suky’s lovely flat. Jeff gets excited about Suky’s cornershop, a cornucopia of tinned food, plastic toys, cheap toiletries andstrange northern sweets, all displayed with a care and abundancethat beats the CCA hands down. Jeff spends many happy momentsthere over the weekend buying food he hasn’t heard of before andcharming the lady behind the counter.

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Health conscious Suky refuses to allow Jeff to buy toffee dropScottish biscuits. ‘I’m not having those in my house’ she says andshe isn’t joking. So Jeff settles for a packet of potato scones, whichMabel gets jammed in Suky’s toaster. Should have gone with thebiscuits.

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filled with what seems to be a thrown together collection of strangeobjects that only someone born within a mile radius could reallycare about. Also it is too cold to dry off their clothes and they leaveas damp as they arrived. At least they have now seen BillyConnolly’s banana boots.

Jeff and Mabel spend the next day walking up and downGlasgow’s streets. It pours with rain. There doesn’t seem to be muchto do. Jeff starts muttering darkly about why anyone should thinkGlasgow is an interesting place to visit, so Mabel drags him into thePeople’s Palace. It is not clear if this helps. The shelves and cases are

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Jeff moans about the rain, the cold and the lack of entertainment.He doesn’t want to go into any more chilly wee cafes for tea andweird cakes. His favourite thing so far is the corner store. WhilstMabel is inclined to agree with him, being full of good old Britishgrit she is annoyed by his Yankee whining. An icy distance develops.They mooch around a bookshop with a spiral staircase. Mabelwonders about the future. Is the cultural divide too great?

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Mabel thinks up a great game. Jeff has to go into pubs atrandom and scream ‘Fuck the Pope!’ and wait to see whether hegets offered a drink or beaten up.

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They go to see a play about an American couple in a hot roomon a sweaty Cape Cod dirty weekend. The most inappropriateweather comparison to Glasgow imaginable.

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The next day they are woken by the Orange men marching inthe street outside. The sounds of pipe music and hard boots on thecobbles. Jeff gazes out of the window, surprised, fascinated,horrified. They are in a flat which typifies the economic resurgenceof Glasgow, beautifully restored and furnished by a new generationof young professionals. Beneath him in the street the old ways assertthemselves.

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It is a beautiful sunny day but everyone wants to stays in bed.This drives restless Jeff crazy. In a frenzy of impatience he strollsaround Denniston enjoying the exceptionally fine weather, lookingfor any Scottish heart-attack inducing specialities he might havemissed such as the famous deep-fried mars bar and muttering‘Hoots’ under his breath. Mabel basks in the sun and reads Heroes.Soon it will be time to leave Glasgow for warmer climes i.e.London! Frankly the thought fills her with relief.

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Soon cloudy skies return and after tearful farewells with Suky atFatso’s Italian deli Jeff and Mabel set off at top speed for the airport.The taxi driver is concerned his fare might be a bit too dear. Theyare happy to pay, thinking only of sunny London.

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Jeff spends the flight home reading over Mabel’s magazine over

her shoulder and then pretending he isn’t interested.

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London seems very warm when they arrive. Despite thelateness of the hour they sweat gently in the tube to Brixton. Backto London. Back to harsh reality. But not for long….

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Italy

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Filled with wanderlust Jeff and Mabel waste no time setting offon their next adventure. This time it is to be Jeff ’s spiritual home,Italy. A fluent speaker and frankly obsessive Italiophile Jeff feels hecannot live another summer without showing his new love his oldstamping grounds. So on a sunny day in June, with barely time tohave shaken the Scottish chill from their bones, they set off. With

77,000 on the clock, the car, an ancient Fiat, splutters and pops anddoesn’t want to go up hills, which makes them nervous about theAlps. They get to SE23 before the first pit stop to change a tyre.Italy seems a long way away. Mabel needs the loo, but the carsplutters on and she feels very happy to be leaving London again.

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They make it to Dover, not exactly at top speed. To liven up theferry journey they amuse themselves by searching for something tobuy in the duty free shop but are dazzled by its shiny displays ofweird booze and inscrutable perfumes and fail to make a purchase.In the end it is more fun to get your ears blown off on deck andlook out for France. With the crossing behind them Mabel is justexcited to be abroad, and reminds Jeff to stay a droite. Even if thecountryside near Calais is quite flat and boring, at least it isFOREIGN. The car splutters some more.

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After driving around in the dark just long enough to makethem a bit nervous they arrive in Germaine, a village in a forestsouth of Reims. The hotel is small and cheap and tres authentiqueand there is a huge and fabulous meal in Epernay and everything isabsolutely perfect, even the monster moths homing in on the lightin their room.

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Next morning is hot and sunny. Jeff and Mabel jump out ofbed full of joie de vivre. However it is not to be a good day’s drivingthanks to the French lorry drivers who are staging a revolution.Every route ends in a blockade of huge trucks surrounded byswarthy men with brawny forearms and serious expressions wholook like they might have a guillotine above the cab. Even theusually over-confident Jeff declines to get into discussion withthem, deciding that they probably won’t have much sympathy withtourists from England. Numerous U-turns are made. In the end theonly way through seems to be on tiny roads without any signposts,

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which tax even Mabel’s legendary map reading skills. They crawlacross the country inch by inch, trying to head south as much aspossible. The day is spent getting lost, getting hot, getting ratty andwondering if they should have risked main roads. They seem to begetting nowhere. At dusk they find themselves rammed into anawful motel with many similarly bad tempered travellerscontemplating a hideous menu and feeling utterly fed up.

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But they make it! On the third day of travelling the car cruises(ahem) through the mountains and soon they are in the Italian Alpswhich closely resemble…..the French Alps. Oh well, at least theyhave finally arrived in the land of spaghetti!

Jeff can’t stand it. ‘There has to be a better way,’ he cries leapingback into the car, burning rubber and somehow finding the way toOrgelet. Back in a small town with a good meal in front of themspirits rise, although the Alps still loom large in their minds.

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‘What a wonderful country’, Jeff is overjoyed to be in Italy.Everything is perfect – the scenery, the language, the weather, theart, the buildings, the food. He chats away to everyone in his prettydamn good Italian. He loves the Italians and they love him. It isimpossible not to get swept away by his enthusiasm and, after a fewglasses of Chianti, Mabel is ready for la dolce vita.

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First stop – Liguria, where Jeff ’s old friends Eduardo and Mayhave a mountain retreat complete with storybook view and cherryorchard. The most beautiful, peaceful scene (and the squeakiestbed). Heavily pregnant May toils in the vegetable patch whileeveryone looks on appreciatively.

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The wildlife is livelier than in Norfolk. On a moonlit walk thesound of a wild boar snuffling in the woods sends everyone rushingback to the safety of the kitchen and after dinner they lie in bedlistening to the ghiri stomping in the loft.

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In Fiatland everyone knows how to fix the car. Eduardo takesthem to his opera buff mechanic who sings to everyone while doingthe repairs.

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After two days of rural bliss it is time for a spot of town life.Jeff and Mabel jump back in the car and zoom off to Mantova,arriving on Saturday July 4th 1992 just in time to check out theCoke Art exhibition with Mantovonians Max and Julia. Theexhibition is bright, plastic, cartoony and out of keeping with theancient and beautiful buildings in which it has been housed. Mabelis happy to have lots of things to look at and wanders off by herself.She feels slightly overwhelmed by the number of Jeff ’s Italianfriends. He has a lot more history than she does.

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They spend three nights in Mantova. On Sunday they visitLake Garda, eat loads and disco dance in the biggest nightclub inthe world. Jeff sure is a groovy mover. Monday 6 July is Mabel’s26th birthday. She celebrates by eating a large ice cream torte andvideotaping a special performance of blasts from the past by Maxand Jeff. The two men talk and argue about art and how to sell itfrom dawn till dusk. Mabel starts to understand some Italian.

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Max and Julia organise a trip to one of their favourite placesin Italy. A camper van is hired and with Max at the wheel singingBruce Springsteen songs they all set off for Argentario, a peninsulaon the coast north of Rome. Max explains that this used to be ahippy hangout but is now more of a rich man’s playground.However they hope that at least a few open spaces remain. As theyget closer the beautiful coastal scenery sends everyone into theirown private reverie, but there do not seem to be any places tocamp.

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Julia is overjoyed when they find a perilous path through somebushes, which brings the camper van to an open spot where theycan stay near the coast. A truly amazing place. The days are spentbathing naked from the rocks and the evenings relaxing by thecampfire, where Max strums his guitar and sings songs, which areapparently as incomprehensible to the Italians as they are to Mabel.Still, it all adds to the atmosphere. Looking up through the treesthey have never seen so many stars. It is hard to leave, but the timehas come to take the camper van back to Mantova, BruceSpringsteen all the way.

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From Mantova in the north it is an epic journey to Tropea, deepsouth. (Thank god for the singing mechanic.) Jeff and Mabel driveand drive and drive, stopping to visit Perugia, Arezzo, Assisi. Italyhas become a long sunlit road, punctuated by silent, hot townsquares in every shade of umber and dim church interiors,illuminated only by frescos and altarpieces which seem to shimmerwith their own light. Lost and tired one evening south of Naples,Mabel directs them towards a speck on the map, which turns out tobe a half-deserted hilltop village with a Shining-sized hotel in whichthey are the only guests. The sleepy, spooky atmosphere stays withthem well into the next morning.

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Now that Mabel has picked up a small handful of Italianwords and phrases Jeff tells everyone they meet that she can speakthe language. Being English and therefore related to the Queen,Mabel is very good at nodding and smiling and looking fascinated,so many people never find out that she didn’t understand a wordthey said.

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Turning west they enter the toe of Italy – bandit country, full ofshort men and shorter women, weather beaten and suspicious. Thesun beats down, the earth is yellow and the road ahead shimmers.Arrive anywhere in the afternoon and everything is shut. It isimpossible to buy so much as a bottle of water. This can makeMabel quite bad-tempered and she yearns for a 24-hourconvenience store. Jeff says she has to get into the local way ofdoing things. Mabel says sod the locals she wants a bloody drinkright now!

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They arrive in Tropea, jewel of Calabria, hot and tired, Jeff bug-eyed from so much driving. But they are soon cheered up as AnnaMaria shows them to a lovely big flat with a view of the sea. Timefor beach life!

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In Tropea they

Lie on the beach

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Watch all the bimbos go by.

Eat ice-cream and play backgammon. Phew this life style is soexhausting.

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Jeff is in heaven and Mabel has to agree that the Italians sure doknow how to relax in style. Her hair has gone blonde from the sunand salt water. As they watch the sun go down after another perfectday it is hard to think of a good reason to ever leave this magicalplace. Maybe they’ll stay and Jeff can learn to swim and Mabel willlearn Italian and be blonde forever.

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When Jeff and Mabel have had enough of Londonlife they jump in their car and hit the road. Fromthe bright lights of Hunstanton to the damp pubs ofGlasgow, will they ever find a destination they canagree on? Undeterred by bracing winds, potatocakes and French lorry drivers, they keep theiraged Fiat on the road long enough to reach the sun.But now they have discovered la dolce vita, willthey ever want to return?

£6.95 Taking Shape Books