Judge,JuryandExecutionerbyineedyoursway

AfteracenturyintheVolturiGuard,Edwardreceivestheultimategift:hissinger.Rated:FictionT-English-Romance/Angst-Edward,Bella-Chapters:8-Words:41,451-Reviews:260-Favs:201-Follows:164-Updated:7/22/2010-Published:4/24/2010-Status:Complete-id:5921091URL:https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5921091

TableofContents

TableofContents

1.somesaytheworldwillendinfire

2.somesayinice

3.fromwhati'vetastedofdesire

4.iholdwiththosewhofavorfire

5.butifihadtoperishtwice

6.ithinkiknowenoughofhate

7.tosaythatfordestruction,ice

8.isalsogreat,andwouldsuffice

somesaytheworldwillendinfire

Isitevergoingtobeenough?

Searchingforpurposelikethemisleadsoldierreturningfromwar,scornedwiththefeelingofbloodonhishandsandbloodonhisheart.HepraystohisGod,askshimforforgiveness,askshimforabsolution,kneelsdown,bowshishead,begs.

Tobeforestallèderewecometofall

Orpardonedbeingdown?ThenI'lllookup.

Myfaultispast.Butoh,whatformofprayer

Canservemyturn,"Forgivememyfoulmurder"?

Likedrowning,likedying,likesearchingforpurposeandpleasureandpurchase.InmylifeofnonexistenceIgrapplewithair,stone,wall,brick,butIfindnoledge,nothingtograsponto,nothingtokeepmefromfallingintotheabyss.WhatGodforgivesthebeingwithnosoul,withnolife,withnoself?WhatGodwilltakemyabsolutionintoHisblessedpalmandcreatenewlifeinendlessdeath?Thereisnone.

Trywhatrepentancecan.Whatcanitnot?

Yetwhatcanitwhenonecannotrepent?

Owretchedstate!Obosomblackasdeath!

Olimèdsoulthat,strugglingtobefree,

Artmoreengaged!Help,angels.Makeassay.

Sinisthespongethatdrawsthehumanaspectsfromme.IttakesandpullslikethebloodIyearntostealfrominnocents,theunsaturatedthirstthatpushesmelikemoonsandwavesandcurrents.Tobesatiated,tofeelwhole,tohavelife,tocreatebeing;thatisimpossibility.Ipullmyselfdownaskneescrashtostoneandlookuptosky,tostars,toheaven.

Forgiveme,absolveme,saveme,helpme.

Someone—anyone—givemethecouragetofeellifeinnever-endingnight.

Bow,stubbornknees,and,heartwithstringsofsteel,

Besoftassinewsofthenewbornbabe.

Allmaybewell.

#

Youknowwhenyou'reinacrowdedroomfullofpeopleandit'salmostimpossibletohearyourselfthink?Thatiswhatit'slikeforme.Allofthetime.OvertheyearsIsupposeI'vegottenusedtoit.I'veblockedoutthemajorityoftheincessantrambling.Buttherearestilltheshouters,thepeoplethatseeeverythinginvividdetail,andtheobnoxious,self-centeredegomaniacs.Iamsurroundedmostlybythelatter.No,Iamsurroundedcompletelybythelatter.

Iamafreak.

Thatiswhattherestofthemthink.Theydon'tunderstandmeinthesamewaytheydon'tunderstandCarlisle.ButCarlisleisn'tlikemeinanyway,shape,orform.Carlisleisjustso…heissoself-sacrificing.HestayswithmeeventhoughIknowhewantstobefar,faraway.Hestayswithmeeventhoughhehasafamilyacrosstheglobe;afamilywithawifewholoveshimirrevocably.Hestayswithmebecauseoftheguiltthatmustfallonhisshoulders.Atleast,that'swhathetellsme.Andhehasn'tleftmysideinninety-nineyears.

Theythinkwearefreaksbecauseofourdiet.Isupposethey'reright,really.Afterall,thetalesofvampiredon'texactlyincludefeedingonsquirrelsatdinneranddeeratbreakfast.Iactuallyneverhavesquirrels.Smallrodentstastebothburntandsouratthesametime.Butwhattheydon'tunderstandisjustbecauseIdon'tdineastheydodoesn'tmeanIdon'thavethesamethirst,thesameurges.WhenIseethemfeast,whenIseethesucculentfleshpunctureeffortlesslytothepointedteethofmycompanions,Iwantwhattheyhave.Iwantmymouthontheartery.Iwantmybodytopullthelinesofbeating,warm,thickbloodfromthewound.Iwantmyarmstostranglethestrugglesandthecries.Iwantmythroattobesatiated;satiatedonthebloodofthatwhichIcrave:thehuman.

ButIwon't.

ForeveryminutethatIkeepCarlisleawayfromhislove,hislife,Iwillnot.Iamindebtedtohimforaslongashefeelsindebtedtome.Thankfullyforus,wehavebutafewdaysleftofobligationinthiscruelpurgatory.OnlyafewmoredaysofskirtingthroughtheshadowsonthestoneVolterrastreets.Onlyafewmoredaysofwatchingourcomradesdevourtheirprey.Onlyafewmoredaysofusingmytalentto

aidtheVolturiinanywaythatIcan.Andthenwearetobegivenleave.Carlisleshalljoinhisfamily,theonethateagerlyawaitshisarrivalinIthaca,NewYork.I…well;Iwillnotfollowthatpath.MyonlyintensionistonotdisappointCarlisleinthecountlesswaysIhavedonebefore.IamnotsureIwillsucceed.

Istandnearthefarwallasthegroupfilesin.Theyarepredominatelymadeupoftourists,thoughIcanhearafewnativethoughtsinterspersed.Heidiseemsveryproudofhercatch.Icantellbythewaysheflauntsherassetsasshelinesuptheprey,andthewaysheeagerlyanticipatestheapprovalfromhersuperiorsforherfantasticwork.Idigmyfingernailsintothestonebehindmyback,tellingmyselfnottobecomeoverwhelmedbythesheeramountofbloodintheroom.Gallonsupongallonsofblood.Warmandsaltyandhumanblood.No.

Itakeadeepbreaththroughmynoseandstifleagroan.

"Edward,son,checkfornatives?"

IdonotknowwhyAroalwayschoosestospeaktomealoud.TherestoftheVolturitendtotakeadvantageofmygift,onlyspeakingaloudwhentherearemultiplepeopleintheroom.Iamconstantlyansweringtothoughts,anditisrarethatIactuallyhearaperson'svoice.Aro,though,isentirelytheopposite.Heisabletoblockalmostallofhisthoughtsfrommethroughconcentration.Onlybitsandpiecesseepthrough.Itissomethingakintojealousy,Ibelieve.Hedoesn'tapproveofvampireshavingtheupperhandaroundhim,evenifheisonlythinkingtrivialthoughts.

"Yes,"Inodandquicklyscanthroughthethoughtsofthehumans.Ipluckafewfromthegroup.Thoughtheyarewearingclothesthatsignifyatourist,theyareactuallynativetoVolterra.Theyarehusbandandwife,andtheyrunasmallshopinthecenterofthetown.Theysellsmallcommemorativeitemslikekeychainswithnamesonthem,andpostcardsoffieldsandtowers.Themanknowsexactlywhereheis.Hehasheardstoriesofthisplace,thisdungeon.Hiswife,ontheotherhand,isincompleteawe.Sheisslowerthanheismentally,andherthoughtsprimarilyconsistofthevastnessofthespace.Shewondershowmanyofheritwouldtaketoreachtheceilingoftheroom.Iknowtheansweristwenty-seven."Thosetwo,"Isay,pointingtothemanandhiswife.

Arosighs,runningahandthroughhislong,darkhair.Hedoesn'tlikeitwhennativesgetthisfarintotheprocess,buthestillwantstokeephisrecordofnoVolterracitizencasualtiesduetovampires.

"Heidi,"Arosayscalmly,thoughtheentireroomknowsthatheisdisappointed.Heidi

frownsandscowlsatme,knowingIamtheonewhocaughtherflaw.ShewalksfluidlyovertoAro.Someofthetouristswatchinawe,admiringhergrace.

"Yes,Aro?"shesayssweetly.Herthoughtsarealwaysborderingonnauseating.

"Mistakesarenottolerated.Youknowthat,"hescoldsasifsheisachild.Heidibowsherheadaccordingly,thoughnotbeforeshootingdaggersatmeonherwaydown.Irollmyeyesandleavetheroom.ThatisallIamneededforhere,andIsurelycannotstayforwhentheyconsume.Consume.Ievenshudderattheword.InthebackofmymindIrealizethatoneofthehumanshasnoticedmydeparture.Sheisyounger,aboutfourteenorfifteen,thoughherminddoesn'tspecify.ShewonderswhyIamleaving.Shewonderswhymyeyesareadifferentcolorthantherestofthem.Shewondersifsheisgoingtodiesoon.

Itisstrange,foritisalwaystheyoungestmindsthatknowtheyaregoingtodiebeforetheolderones.Theeldersaremoretrainedtoblockoutthebadandignoreit,whereasthechildrenseeexactlywhatisputinfrontofthem.Theyseethroughthefacadesofpleasantryandluxury.Theyfeelthetensioninthepale-skinnedbodiesthatwatchthem,eyeshungrywithwant.Theyknowtheirlifeisendingbeforeitdoesjustbythewaytheairtastes–coldanddeadandlifeless.

Iignoreherentirely,thoughIdoquickenmypaceinfinitesimally.ItismanyyardsawaybeforeIfeellikeIamabletobreatheagain.Iamoutofrangeofthethoughts.Iknowfrompriorexperiencethatanyglimpseintothemindofavampirefeedingismyquickestandshortestdownfall.Icrossmyarmsovermychest,theVolturirobessweepingoutfrombeneaththemandtrailingalongthefloor.Thethickblackfabricisweightlesstome,andbeneathitallIwearisdarkbluejeansandawhitet-shirt.

CarlisleisinhisstudypouringoverhisextensivecollectionofbookswhenIfindhim.Thisiswhereheisthemajorityofthetime.Icannotfathomhowhecontinuestofindnewrevelationsinthewordshe'smemorizedafterthefirstread.Imyselfbecomequicklyboredwiththem.Afteroneread,themysteryisgone.Afterenoughreadsofthesamegenre,Icanpredicttheendingsofbooksunread.ButCarlisle—heperusesthesametextsoverandoveragain.Heisconstantlysearching.

HisgoldeneyesflitupwardstomeetminewhenIentertheroom.Henodspolitelyingreeting,thenreturnstohisresearching.

"Whatareyoulookingforthistime?"Iask,sittingdownatarockingchairinthecornerofhisstudy.Everywallislinedwithbooksfromfloortoceiling.Therearenowindows,fortherecannotbeunderground.Thereareevenpilesuponpilesofbooksonthefloor,stackingupwardsinhaphazardreachestowardtheheavens.

"Nothinginparticular,"heanswers,doingmethecourtesyofusinghisvoice.Justpassingtime,hethinksasanafterthought.

Justpassingtime.Thatistheentiretyofmyexistence.FrozenandstoicIwaitastimepassesme.Iameverreachingfortheyearonehundred,whereIwillsetCarlislefreeofhisimaginedobligationtome.Ipickupthebooknearesttomeanddon'tbothertoreadthecover.Theparchmentissoftandfragileinmyhands,asmostthingsare,thoughthisparticularbooklooksweatheredandold.Ifingerthroughthepages,carefulnottotearanystrayfromthebinding,andglanceoverthewords.Theyallblendtogetherformenow,ameaninglessjumbleofanauthor'sfutileattempttoexplainthephilosophiesoflifeanddeath.Itishardtorelatetothenovelswhentheyaresoutterlyunrelatable.

"Tomorrowisyouronehundred,"Carlislementionscasually,thoughhisthoughtsbelayhisexcitement.Hehasbeencountingdowntotheday,thehour,theminute,thesecond,untilheisfreetoseehiswife.

"Yes,"Ismile,happyforhim.ThoughIcannotreconcilethefactthatIhavekeptthemapartforanentirecentury,Ifeelinfinitelybetterinknowingthathewillseehersoon.

"Iknowwhatyouarethinking,"Carlisleassumes,settingdownhisbookandinsertingasmallvelvetbookmarker.Hesetsthebookaside,ontopofoneofthenumerousbooktowers,andleansbackinhisleatherstuddedchairashisthoughtsaccuseme.

ItisnotyourfaultthatIhavenotseenEsme.Youknowthis.Itismine.Ibroughtyouhere,andIchosenottosimplyabandonyoubecauseofmyownselfishness.Donotblameyourself,son,formydecisions.

Heiscarefulnottocallmeamistake.Heevencensorshisthoughts.

Iwatchashismindplaysoutmy"rebirth."Itis1918,99yearspriortoourpositionnow,thoughCarlislelooksidenticaltothemansittingacrossfromme.I,ontheotherhand,donot.Hismindbrieflyglancesatmyface,thoughIamsurehememorizedittotheminutedetailonthesmallglance.Myhairisindisarray,andisclosertobrownthantheauburnitisnow.Myeyesareclenchedshut,thoughIknowfromCarlisle'sothermemoriesthattheywereonceadarkgreen,thesamecolorasmymother's.MyfaceissweatyandIlookboyish,thoughgauntfromsickness.Thatpersonisa17-year-oldhuman.Heisinnocentandnaïveandhedoesn'tknowwhatisgoingonaroundhim.Heenjoyshismother'scookingandtakingwalkswhenitissunnieroutside.Heispoliteandcarefree,butalsoreckless.Hewantstojointhemilitary,

thoughheknowshewouldcedetohismother'swishesifshesodesired.

Iamnolongerthatboy,thatperson.

CarlisleisonbriefleavefromtheVolturiinChicago,thoughstillamemberoftheguard.ItisarulethatanyvampirecreatedunderguardvenomalsoneedstofulfilltheonehundredyearobligationtotheVolturi.

Carlisle'smindthencoversElizabeth'sdyingface.Ifrownminutely,thoughCarlisle,stuckinhismemory,doesnotnotice.Shepleads,shebegs,sheknowswhatCarlisleis.Thereisnodenyingthis.Elizabethwantshersontoliveatallcosts.

Myhandsrunalongthesolid,deadskinofmyarmsandwrist.Theimpenetrablesteel,abodyencasedinsolitude.Iwonderifthisiswhatshewouldhavewantedforme.IwonderifthiswasthelifesheanticipatedIwouldhavewhensherequestedherfinal,dyingwish.

Carlislebreaksfromhismemoriesthemomentbeforehebites.Justafterthepointwhereherelishesinthefinalthoughtsbeforehisactions:finally,acompanion.

"Iapologize,"Carlislesighs,thoughIknowitisnotjustfordelvingintohismemoriesrightinfrontofme.Itisformuchmore.

"Noneed,"Irespondquietly,andwelapseintosilenceoncemore.

Carlisle,AroandDemetriaretheonlybeingsItrulytalkto.TherestIacknowledgewhenImust,thoughtheirthoughtshaveawayofminglinginmybrainandcloudingmythoughts.Itisbeyondfrustrating,andIoftensufferedfromdebilitatingheadacheswhenIwasanewbornvampire.ItwasoneofthethingsthatintriguedArothemost–avampirethatcouldactuallybecomeill.Overtime,Ihavegrownaresistancetotheexcess.Iamabletopushthemajorityofittothebackofmymindandmufflethem.Therearestilltheproblematicfew,ofcourse.Heidiincluded.Herincessantinternalramblinghasawayofcrawlingundermyskinandmakingmecrazy.

Carlisleshufflesthroughhisbooksforabitlonger.Isitpolitelybesidehim,monitoringmybreathingcarefully.Weareonlytworeclusesstucktogetherandsurroundedbybooks.

Itistwentyminuteslaterthattheforceofhisthoughtalmostmovesmephysically.

"Yoursinger…"Carlislesayssuddenly,almostexactlyintimewithhisthought.

"Youdon'tthinktheywouldactuallygetmeone,dothey?"Iasktentatively.Iam

simultaneouslyexcitedandappalled.Iknowthatthiswillcausemetofailand,inaway,Iwelcomeit.Ihaveseenthemindsoftheoldervampireswhentheyrecollectuponthedaytheyreceivedtheirultimategift.Thereisliterallynothinglikeit–thebloodsosweetthatitissaveduntilthedayArodecidestogiveit.Atthehundredthyearofservice,ArorequestsDemetritolocatethevampire'ssinger.SinceDemetrihasseenmefeedonhumansbefore,heisabletoautomaticallylocatemysingerintheworld.Itisapeculiartalent,andonethatdoesnotgounnoticed.Thesingerisquitepossiblythebestgiftthatavampirereceivesinhisorherentireexistence.Mymouthwatersjustthinkingaboutthepossibilityofbeinggivenone.

"Ithinkso,thoughyou'llhavetoaskDemetritoconfirm,"Carlislereplies.

"Hehasn'tbeenaround,"Imurmur.Demetrimysteriouslydisappearedapproximatelytwodaysprior,thoughnooneseemstoknowaboutit.IassumeArohassomethingtodowithit,butheblockshismindfrommetoosufficientlyformetobeabletotell.

"Heisprobablygoingtolocatethesingerforyou,then.Afterall,heisn'treallyusedforanythingelse,andnootheryoungvampireisevenclosertotheircenturion,"hesays,scratchingtheabsurdlypaleskinofhischingently.

Isighandlinkmyfingersinatree,crossingthembeneathmychin.

"Iwillkillthehumaniftheydo,"Iadmittohim,bettertodoitnowthantoseehisdisappointmentafterIdevoureverylastdrop."Istruggleevenmaintainingcontrolwiththelargegroupofthem,andtheydon'tsmellevenclosetowhatthesingerwill."

You'lldofine,hepraiseswithoutthinking.

"Carlisle,"Isay,harshernow.Heneedstobelieveme."Iwillkillit.Thereisn'tachance."

"Ididn'tkillmysinger,"Carlisleremindsme.Irollmyeyes.OfcourseCarlisledidn'tkillhissinger.PerfectCarlislehasneverkilledagoddamnfly.Maybeadeerorsix,butnotevenafly.Iharrumphandleanbackinmyseat,remembering.

"Youdidn'texactlyseeherlong.Didn'tyouhaveDemetricartherofftosomeuntraceablelocation?"Iscoff,pursingmylips.

Iwatchashismemoriesflypastbeforemyeyes.Hissingerwasanelderlywoman,probablyaroundtheageoffifty.Atthetime,herlifespanhadlongsurpassedtheaverageexpectancyofhumans.Herhairwasgrayedinstreaksandwindblownoffofherface.Formerly,itwouldseemasthoughherhairwasalight,lightblond,thoughthepartsthatwerenotgraywerealmostwhiteinthemoonlight.Atthattime,the

Volturiheldtheirritualsoutsideandnotundergroundastheyhavethemnow.Thewomandidnotevenlookfrightened.Herposturewasstrong,eveninthefaceofapanelofethereal,ghastlyvampires.ThroughCarlisle'smemories,Ihearhimsnapandgrowl,obviouslybeingheldbackbyanothervampire.

'Bonappétit,'Arosmilesinhismemory,lookingexactlythesameashedoestoday.

Carlisle'sgrowlsbecomelouder.Arocackles,beckoningforthevampirebehindtheelderlywomantobringherforward.Hedoessoslowly,andIhearthetormentinCarlisle'sattemptsatresistanceoneachandeverystep.Evenbackthen,hepridedhimselfonnotkillinganything,anyone.Butasthewomanapproachedhim,Icanfeelhisresolvebegintowaver.

Perhapsjustonetaste.

Thescentistoostrong,thescentistoopowerful,thescent,thescent.

'Iwilltakeheroutlikeyourequested,Carlisle.Iwilltakeheraway,'thevampirespeaksintoCarlisle'sear.ItisDemetri,hisvoiceloudandclearoverCarlisle'scriesofthehunt.Andthen,likelightning,CarlisleisleftunguardedasDemetrisweepsthewomanupintohisarmsandleavesfasterthansight.Arolooksmildlyannoyed,watchingCarlisleashedigshimselfintotheearth,forcinghimselftostaystill.

'Suchadisappointment,'ArogrumblesasCarlisletakeslarge,deepbreathsofthecleanerair.HismemoriesaresoclearthatIcansmellthedewygrassinhislungsandtheverylastremnantsofthebloodthatsangtohim.

"YouarestrongerthanIam.Youalwayshavebeen,"IsayonceCarlislepullshimselffromhismemories.

"Thatisnottrue.Idonothavetodowhatyoudoeveryday.Monitoringthethoughtsofthehumansbeforethemeals…readingthethoughtsofthesuspectedcriminals…Iwouldsurelycrack.Youdonot.Iamproudofyou,andIdon'tsaythatoftenenough."

Iduckmyheadandpinchthebridgeofmynose.

IthenthankhimforthewordsIdon'tdeserve.

Thoughmyeyesarenowgolden,theywerenotsixmonthsago.

JulieAndrews;herbloodsmelledofrosesandhoneywithahintofstrawberries.ThecloserIgot,theeasieritwastobedrawnin,toconsume.

Twoyearsago,FrancisDem.Hiseyesweretoolargeforhisfaceandhischintoopointed,buthisbloodwassopotentthatIcouldnotholdback.

Threemonthsbeforethat,an18-year-oldgirlnamedMolly.IdrainedhersofastthatIdidnotevencatchherlastname.

Therearemore.Tens,hundreds,countless.Manyofthemweremembersoffamilies.Theywereloversandsonsanddaughtersandbrothersandsisters.Itookthataway—Iconsistentlytakethataway—andpeopleareleftwithouttheircompanionsforeternity.Everyoneofthemhadsomeone,andthosepeopleallhadtolivewiththatloss.Becauseofme.

Wearesilentagain,butnotforlong.IhearJaneapproaching,herthoughtsannoyed.Shedoesn'tlikeitwhenAromakesherthemessenger,butshewilldoalmostanythingtopleasehim.HersmallfeetechodownthestonehallwaytoCarlisle'sstudy,butthenoiseiscloudedbytheoverlappingthoughts.EventhoughIhearthatsheneedsme,Imakenomovetostand.Shehesitatesbeforeopeningthedoor.Iamnotsurewhybecausesheisnotsurewhy.Still,thedooropensandbothCarlisleandImeethergaze.

"AroneedsEdwardforajob.Quickly,"shesaysandthenpivotsonhertoes,alreadywalkingaway.Herthoughtsareevenmoreannoyed;Arodidn'ttellherthedetailsofthejobandsheisnotinvolved.Iamsurehewillrequestherservicelater,though.Ofcourse,thatfactdependsonmeandmealone.

Iknowwhatthisis.

Thisisatrial.

Sureenough,thethreeeldestvampiressitclothedinwhatlookslikejudge'sgarb.Theyarewatchingasayoung,dirt-encrustedvampirestrugglesagainstthetwoguardsholdinghim.Aronodsslightlyandthevampireispusheddowntohisknees.Hehissesandgrowls.MybrowfurrowsandImovetostandbyAro'sside.Janelookspeeved,thoughleavestheroomquickly.IfArodoesn'tspecificallyinviteavampireintoatrial,theyarenotallowedtostay.Janeknowsthis,andthedoorechoesafterherdeparture.

"Ah,Edwardhasreturned,"Arosmiles,claspinghishandstogether.Theremustbeaspecificproblemwiththisvampire,forAro'stouchusuallysufficeswhenitcomestoreadingthethoughtsofavictim.Iamonlyrequestedincertaincircumstancesthatusuallypertaintowhatthevampireintendstodointhefuture,forArocanonlyreadthethoughtsthatthevampirehadinthepast.

"Yes,"Inod,"Asyourequested."Thevictimturnshisheadtowardme,nowawareofmyarrival.Ilistenasheassessesme.Thefirstthinghenoticesismyeyes,asmostdo.Hewondershowitispossiblethattheyaresuchaputridshadeofgold.Hisareabrightrubyred,shiningintheirsockets.HisnameisWilliam.HelivesinIreland,thoughrecentlyhestruggledwithalargecoventhatalsoinhabitsthearea.Heisconvictedforpublicfightingwithamemberofthecoven,alongwithhumanawarenessofthefighting.HehasalreadyassuredArothathewillneverfightwithanyofthecovennorreturntoIrelandagain,thoughAroisnotsurehebelieveshim.WilliamhasaloverinIreland,andsheisnotwillingtoleaveherhomeland.

"Howmuchhaveyouheardinthesefewminutes?"Aroaskscalmly.

"Oh,justgetonwithit,"CaiusgrumblesbeforeIanswer,alreadythoroughlyboredwiththesituation.

"Patience,myfriend,"Aroreplies.

"WilliamfoughtwithavampirenamedDerek,amemberofalargecoveninIreland.WilliambeganthefightduetoDerek'sinsinuationsthathewassleepingwithhismate,Delilah.Threewomennoticedtheirfight,thoughtheywerekilledpromptlyafterthefightwassettled,"Imurmur.Williamlooksatme,eyeswidewithsomethingakintobetrayal,growlingwhenIspeakDelilah'sname.Iamusedtothislook.Itishatred.

"Suchtalent,"Arosighsslightly."Ahwell,jealousywillgetmenowhere,rightEdward?"

Caius,MarcusandIwaitasAroplayshislittlegame.Itisthegamethatmakesthevictimsufferinawaitinghisfate.ProlongingthemomentisoneofAro'sfavoritepastimes.

"William,"Arobeginspolitely,"WillyoubereturningtoIrelandafterthistrialifweletyoufree?"

Almostimmediately,William'sthoughtsrunoverdriveasheattemptstocoverthemfromme.Thatistheconstanttragedyinthis,forindesperatestrugglethethoughtsarealwaystheloudestandclearest.ThelovethatWilliamholdsforDelilahbringsanachetomychest,andIavertmyeyestoseeMarcusreactingsimilarly.ItissomethingIneverfeelexceptinthethoughtsofothers.William'seyesmeetmine.Theyarebegging,pleading.Theyaskmetonottellthetruth.HeknowshecannotstayawayfromIreland,fromDelilah.Hecannotabandonhismate.

Ibowmyheadinapology.ThereisnothingIcando.Arocansimplytouchmypalm

andhearwhatIhavejustheard.

"Edward?"Aroprompts.

Iamhisjudge,jury,andexecutioner.

"Yes,"Imanage,"Hewillbereturning."

"Youbastard!"Williamscreamsaloud.

Theyarethefirstandlastwordshewilleveruttertome.

I'musedtoit.

Withnewfoundrageandonlymillisecondsafterhisdecision,Williampushesawayfromhiscaptorsandthrowshimselfatme.Inarrowlydodgeandhelandsontheballsofhisfeet,pivotingandbearingallofhisteethatme.

IglanceovertoAro,seeinghimrollhiseyesinannoyance.

"Jane,"hesighsquietly.

Immediately,JaneisbymysideandWilliamiswrithingonthefloorinagony.ItisclearthatJanewaswaitingoutsidetheentiretrial,clearlycountingonthismomenttooccur.ThetwomembersoftheguardgatherWilliamupanddraghisscreamingbodybackbeforeAro,Marcus,andCaius.

"Thankyou,mypet."

Thescreamingstopsimmediately.Jane,withasmallsmileonherface,walksdaintilyfromtheroom.I,ontheotherhand,amnotdismissed.Iamneverallowedtoleavebeforetheperpetratordies.IstandtotherightofAro,myfacestonyandneutral.Iamcarefulnottobetrayanyemotionafterthispoint.Afterall,thereisnothingIcandotohelp.AnythingIsayordowillonlyservethepurposeofputtingmeindanger,andwithonlyafewdaysbeforeCarlisleandIaregivenleave,itissomethingIamnotwillingtodo.

ThereisnolongerhateconsumingWilliam.Thereisonlydefeat.

Iwatchwithastoicexpressionashislimbsarepulledapartandburned.IfindmyselfwonderingwhetherDelilahwillfeelthepainofhisloss,orifsheevertrulylovedhim.Afterall,shewasn'twillingtoleaveIrelandforhim.Howmuchcanbesaidforlovelikethat?

"Thankyou,Edward.Wealwaysappreciateyourcompany.Ilookforwardtoseeingthedecisionyoumakeafterthecenturionceremony."

Great.

NotonlyamIreceivingasinger,butArothinksthatIwillstaywiththeVolturiguardaftermyobligationisup.

"AmIdismissed,Aro?"Iaskpatiently,betrayingnothing.

"Yes,myboy.We'llseeyoutomorrowforthebigday."

Thebigday.

Great.

IreturntoCarlisle'sstudytofinditempty.ItisemptynotjustofCarlisle,butofallofhisbelongings.Clearly,hehasalreadypackedupinanticipation.Iknowhowrampanthisthoughtshavebeen,howexcitedhehasbeenwiththeprospectoffinallylivingwithhiscoven,hisfamily.Hedoestrytohidethemajorityofitaroundme,thoughsomeofitslipsthroughthecracks.

IamrunningmyhandsalongthebarrenwallsofthestudywhenCarlislewalksin.EventhoughIcansensehimbehindme,hestillknocksonthedoorframewithhisfist.

"Howaboutwegoonacelebratoryhunt?It'sourlastfewhourshere,afterall,"Carlislesuggests.

"Sure,"Iagree,andbythetimewearebackinVolterrathesunisrisingandmyfailureisimminent.

"Youarestrong,"Carlisleremindsmeasweenterthedarktunnelsthatleaddownward."Ihavefaithinyou."

"Thatmakesoneofus,"Imutter.IhavenodoubtthatIwillsuccumbtothepowerofthisscent.Mymouthisalreadywateringonlyimaginingitspotency.

Whenwefinallyenterthemainroomalloftheguardisgatheredandready.Isnifftentativelybutsmellnothing.CarlislemovesofftothesideandIseethatArohasbeckonedmetowardhim.Iwalkover,myrobesskirtingacrossthestone,thenoiseawhisperingbreath.

"AnymomentnowandDemetriwillbehere,"Arogrins.

IseeCaiusalsogrinning,thoughitisclearlysnideandnotanticipatory.Marcusmeetsmyeyewithhisusualapatheticstare,thoughIseeasmalltwinkleinthemthatperplexesme.

Bestrong,Marcusthinks.Histhoughtsringloudandclearbecausehedoesnotblockthemfromme.Istareathimforamomenttoolong,andthenlookaway.

IsmellherbeforeIseeher.

Icannotevendescribeit.

Pureandall-encompassingwant.

Iwantit.

Iwanther.

Iwant.

Now.

AgrowlripsthroughmythroatbeforeIcancontrolit.

Sheisn'tevenaroundthecorneryet.

Theguardsnickersandsneers.Theylovethesetypesofshows.Iheartheclumsyfootstepsofahumanpairedwiththelighttreadofavampire.Theyareclose.Oh,theyareclose.MyhandpuncturesstoneasIholdmyselftothewallbehindAro'sthrone.

TheyturnthecornerandIcan'tregisteranythingexceptforthatscent.

Iwanttokill.

Arosmiles.

"Bonappétit."

ItalicizedquotesbelongtoShakespeare'sHamlet.

ClaudiusisaskingGodtoabsolvehissinsafterhemurdershisbrotherinordertoobtainthequeenandthepositionaskingofDenmark.

Thankstorevragfortheread.

Youcanalsoreadthisatwww(dot)adifferentforest(dot)com.

IdonotapologizeforkillingJulieAndrews.

Chapter1of8.

somesayinice

Willthereeverbeanend?

AllthatisneededisonetasteofthesinthatIcrave.Wretchedfingersreachlistlesslyforward,thoughtheycatchonlyairastheysearchfordesire.Controllingtheelements,Iamfraughtwithhavoc.Iaskforforgivenessandreceivenone.Andnow,inmywild,emptyabandon,Iamasinkingshipfallingdeeperintoemptyoceans.

Thereisnoescape,nobreath.Surroundedbythepressuresoflifeanddeath,Igasp.

Thereisnoturningbackfromhere.

Iaminblood

Steppedinsofarthat,shouldIwadenomore,

Returningwereastediousasgoo'er.

Thewaterisbloodnow.ItseepsintotheporesofmyskinasIthrashmywaytothesurface,drowning.NoairisneededbutIstillreachoutforsomething,someone.ItpushesdownonmybodyandonmysouluntilIcannotfeelthemanylonger.

IamabodyfilledwithwhatIhavedone,notwhoIam.

Afragmentedbeingwithonlytheoutermostshell,Ifall.

AndeveninsleeplessdreamIbegtobeliftedfrommywaterygrave,buttonoavail.Thesurf,thesand;itswallowsmewhole.Mybodysinkslikethestonethatitis,andmyregretsarefruitless,myactionsarefruitless.Icallout,"Savemefromthehullofthisship!Savemefrommyeverlastinggrave!"

Butthereisnoanswer.

#

Istruggleagainstthearmsofmyrestrainers.BothDemetriandCarlislepullmeback.MydesireismuchstrongerthanCarlisle'soncewas,andIamveryclosetobreakingfree.Mymindfocusesonsomanythingsatonce.Primarily,ofcourse,mytarget.Sheissoclose,soclose,soclose.IfIcouldjustreachoutandtasteher...

"Edward,rememberwhereyourvalueslie.Youarenotweak,"Carlisle'svoice

echoesinmyear,butIdonotregisterthewords.Allthatconsumesmymindisthepureanduncontrollablewant.Ismellthefearandtheadrenalineintheair,permeatingmynostrilsandminglingperfectlywithherwondrousscent.IthrashagainstthearmsofDemetriandCarlisle.

Letmego.

Letmego.

Letmeconsume.

Saveformygrowlsandthehuman'srapidheartbeat,thereisnosoundintheroom.Iblametheabsenceofthoughttomyfocus.

ThereisnothingIcando.Icannotrestrainmyneedforthishuman.IfIdonothaveher...well,thatissomethingmythroatwillnotallow.Ibreatheinthethickscentthroughmynose,feelingmyeyesrollbackinhowutterlyperfectitsmells.Everybreathismorepotentthanthelast.Iamnotgrowingimmunetothescent;theoppositeishappening,Iamcravingitmore.Ikeepbreathingandthrashingandgrowlinguntilthescentis,forsomestrangereason,muted.

IttakesmeafewmomentstorealizethatCarlisle'shandcoversbothmynoseandmymouth.Butitisn'tenough,forIcanstilltastethescentonthebackofmytongue.Istillcraveitineveryboneofmybody,andmyperfectmemorydoesnotallowmetoforgetwhatitisthatisstillstandinginfrontofme,waiting.

ItfeelslikeagesbeforeIamabletocalmmyreactions,thoughmymusclesarestillbentintenseattack.

"Iwilltakeheraway,Edward,"DemetrioffersasheonceofferedCarlisle.Ishakemyhead.Ishouldbesayingyes,takeheraway,getheroutofherebeforeIdraineverylastdropinherbody.ButI'mnot.

IknowIcancreateafaçadethatwilllastjustlongenoughforDemetriandCarlisletoletmego.AndthenIwillattack,andshewillbedeadbeforesherealizesanyoneintheentiregreatroomhasmoved.Iforcemymusclestorelaxfurther,thoughIstillfeelthemshakingasmymindfightsforcontrolovermybody.Carlisle'shandstillcoversbothmymouthandnose.

"Demetri,Iwillnotallowanothersingertobetakenfromthepremises,"Arosayssuddenly,hiseyesinaslightglareasheregardsthesituation."IknowyoudiditforCarlisle,butthatwassuchadisappointment,nottomentionquiteabore.Edward'sdeservedthis.Haven'tyou,Edward?"

MymouthisstillcoveredbyCarlisle'shand.

Arowantsmetospeak,tobreathe,toinhale.

Butinstead,shespeaks.

"Edward...Edwardisyourname?Edward,IhaveadadandamomandI'mtheonlychild.Mydad...helovesme.HisnameisCharlieandhelivesinWashingtonallalone.Edward?Edward,hedoesn'tevenknowhowtocook.Icookforhim-"Hervoiceisshaking,thoughshepersistsuntilArocutsheroff.

"God,willsomeoneshutherup?"Arosnaps.ThetimesArolosescontrolofhimselfarefewandfarbetween,butthisisoneofthem.Heevenletshismindslip,andIhearhisconcerns.HebelievesthatifIdon'tsuccumbtomynaturalinstinctsandkillthegirl,Iwon'tstayintheguard.Hewantstobreakmeand,ifanything,itmakesmemorestubborn.

FelixmovesbehindherafterAro'srequest.Hedoesn'thavetotouchher,forshepromptlystopstalkingonlyoutoffear.

"Isaid,youfeelyoudeservethis,rightEdward?"Aro'svoicelosesmoreofitspatienceandcontrol.Carlisleunderstandstheorderinhistone.Heslowlybutreluctantlymoveshishandfrommyface.

"Yes,"Icough,butdon'tinhale.IfIweretoinhaleIwouldblowmycoverrightinfrontofeveryone.Icertainlycan'thavethat.Afterall,Iwanttosavorher.Every.Last.Drop.

Shestartlesatthesoundofmyvoiceandwemakeeyecontact.

Istillwanttokillher.

"Thisistakingupanobnoxiousamountoftime,"Caiusgrumbles.

"Iagree.Thisissupposedtobecelebratory.Edward,haveatit!"Arocalls,leaningforwardinhisseatinanticipation.EventhroughAro'srequest,CarlisleandDemetritightentheirholdonmybody.

"Perhaps,"Ibegin,usingthelastofmysavedair,"Icouldhaveherinprivate."

"Areyousure?"Carlislewhispersinmyearforalltohear.

"Hush,Carlisle,"Arosnaps,mullingmysuggestionover.Histhoughtsarenolongerguardedintheheatofthemoment,andIcantellthatthisplacatinghim.He

assumesthatifIstilldrinkherblood,Iwillbemorewillingtostaywiththeguard–publicceremonyornot.Arotapshisfingeragainsthischintoprolongthemomentandthenspeaks."IsupposeIwillallowit.Felix,pleasebringIsabellatoEdward'squartersandleaveherthere.Iwantnooneinsidethatroom,isthatclear?"

Isabella.

Headdressestherestoftheguardwiththeendofhisstatement.Heisnowtryingtopleaseme.Heisholdingontothisworthlesslittlegirlinhopesthatitwillkeepmewiththeguard.

IunintentionallyhissasIwatchFelixmovemypreyfrommysight.Itiswithinmyinstincttopushhimoutofthewayandclaimherasmyown.ShefranticallylooksoverhershoulderwhenImakethenoise,andoureyesmeetonemoretimebeforesheturnsthecorner.

Iinhaleafewminuteslater,buttheairisstilltaintedwithherscent.Icomethisclosetolungingoutafterher,butremindmyselfthatbothCarlisleandDemetriarestillbymyside.IwantnoonearoundwhenIdrainIsabella.Infact,IwantCarlislehalfwayacrosstheworldbeforeIeventouchherblood.PerhapsAroisright.PerhapsitisjustCarlislethatiskeepingmefromwhatisnaturalandrightforavampire,andifhenolongerfeelsobligationtowardmeIwillbeabletoreverttomynaturalinstincts.Eitherway,Ialmostdon'tcare.AllIwantisherblood,andtheonlythingkeepingmesaneisthefactthatIwilldrainherlaterintheeveninganditwillbethebestfeelingIwilleverrelishin.

"Welldone,son,"Carlisleeventuallysays,straighteninghisposition.Ireluctantlymovefrommycrouchandstarepassivelyathim.Ihavemadeupmymind.IamnolongeraffiliatedwithCarlisleandhisways.

Afterall,Iamavampire.

Imightaswellembraceit.

"Wearefreetogotonight.Youdon'thavetogotoyourroombeforethen.Youareoverthehardesthurdle."Carlislelookssorelieved,sohappy.HeclapsmeontheshoulderasifIhavefulfilledhiseverywish.Demetrialsoshakesmyhand,foreventhoughhedoesnotparticipateinourparticularlifestyle,hestillholdsrespectforthosewhodo.

OrsoIthought.

Iknowyou'regoingtokillher.TalktomeonceweseeCarlisleoff.

Demetri'sthoughtstakemebysurprise.IhadassumedthatIhadeveryonefooled.IhavecertainlyfooledCarlisle,though,andIsupposethatisallthatmatters.IbrieflymakeeyecontactwithDemetriandnodmyheadslightly.Carlislenoticesthis,thoughhepretendsthathedoesn't.Hedoesnotwanttoputhimselfinanypositionthatcouldpossiblytakehimawayfromhiswifeandfamily,especiallyinthesefinalhourshehasawayfromthem.

Itakeinaquick,sharpbreath.

Icanstilltasteher.

"You'refreeatmidnight,rightCarlisle?"Iaskwithmysmallamountofair.

"No,we'refreeatmidnight,"Carlislesmiles."EsmeisgoingtopickusupjustoutsideofVolterraat12:15."

Theexcitementshinesinhiseyes,andnowIhavetodestroyit.

Thusismyexistence.

"I'mnotsureI'vemadeadecisionyet,"Imumblequietly.Ofcourse,Carlislehearsinperfectarticulation.Evenhisthoughtsaremomentarilyhaltedasheattemptstoprocessthisnewbitofinformation.

"I'mnotsureIunderstand,"hesaysslowly."Isthisnotwhatwehavebeenwaitingfor?Afreelife?"

Herscenttaintsmytongueoneveryinhale.ItisacruelreminderwhyIhavenotyetmadeadecision.Iwanttotasteher.Iwanttokillher.Iwanttodrainher.

"Yes,thatiswhatyouhavebeenwaitingfor.ButCarlisle,youmustunderstand...Idon'thaveanyoneouttherewaitingforme.ThisisallI'veeverknown."

Thebarrenstonewallsandthevaultingceilings,thehordesofvampiresandthehumanreceptionist,thedark,danktunnelsandtheendlessmidnight;itisallI'veeverknown.

"WhatamI,choppedliver?"Carlisleattemptstojoke,thoughthepainisevidentinhisvoice.IthinkIhaveunderestimatedtheattachmentbetweenus.Afterall,Carlislefirstchangedmeinthehopesofacompanion.Wehavelivedtogetherforone-hundredyears,Carlislesacrificingthoseyearsformeinsteadofspendingthemwithhiswife.

AndwhatamIdoingnow?

I'mthrowingitallinhisfaceforsomeblood.

Idisgustmyself...

...ButIwanthersobadly.

"Ijustneedsometimetothink,"Igroan,rubbingmytempleswithmypointerfingers."But,Carlisle,eitherwayyouhavetogo.Ihavekeptyouherefartoolong."

"Youhavekeptmenowhere,Edward.Thiswasmychoice.Allmine.Donottakecreditformydecisions,"hesnarls,anditisoneofthefewtimesIhaveseenCarlisleanywhereclosetomenacing."Doyouunderstand?"heprompts.

"Iunderstand,"Ibegrudginglyallow.

WespendtherestoftheeveninginCarlisle'sbarrenstudy.Itistheroomfarthestfromthecentercommons,anditisimpossibletosmellherhere.Evenso,Ihavethescentetchedperfectlyintomymemory,andeverysecondwithoutherisphysicallypainful.

Iamsothirsty.

Thoughtherearenomirrors,Iamcompletelypositivethatmyeyesareacharcoalblack.

AllofCarlisle'sbelongingsarepackedawayinbagsandplacedinthecornerofhisstudy.Westandsilently,bothinquietcontemplation.WhenthehoursturntominutesCarlislebeginstopace.HismindworriesaboutEsmeandhisfamily'strip,though,realistically,therecouldnotpossiblybeanythingtohinderit.Iamalmostgratefulatmidnight.Finally,hewillstopworryingandwecanleave.WemeetDemetriattheexitoftheundergroundcity.Ofcourse,wearenotallowedtotrulyleaveuntilArodismissesus.

Itis12:12whenArofinallyarrives.Weallstandathisapproach.

CarlislesilentlyremoveshimselffromtheVolturirobes.WhileArostandsandwatches,hefoldsthemandhandsthemtohim.Arodoesnotshowanyemotion.Hesimplytuckstherobesinsideofhisownandturnstome.Carlisleisnownothingmorethananunpleasantacquaintance.

"Edward,myboy.Areyoustaying?"HealreadyknowsIam.IhavenoluggageandI

amnothandinghimtherobes.

"Forthetimebeing,yes."

"Ah.Edward,youarethekingofambiguousanswers,"hesmilesasifitissomeprivatejokebetweenthetwoofus.Imanageasortofgrimaceinresponse.Aroturnstoleaveandwearefinallydismissed.Carlisle,DemetriandIpickupafewsuitcasesandwalkoutintotheVolterrastreets.

Theyarealmostcompletelydesertedofpeoplesaveforthestrayprostituteortwo.Evenso,wewalkquicklyandstayintheshadows.Itisalmostimpossibleforanyhumantoseeus,thoughIstillkeepamonitorofthethoughtsnearesttous.Afterall,themoonisparticularlybrighttonight,anditgivesusanetherealsortofglow.Ifloatthroughalotdreams.Seeingdreamsisoneofthestrangestthingsaboutbeingabletoreadminds.Itislikeswimmingthroughavortexofthoughtandemotion,bothofwhicharesopureanduneditedthateverymindisequallychildlike.

DemetrimovesclosetomeasifafraidIamgoingtorun.IdohavetoadmitthatIconsidereditafewtimes.Afterall,sheiswaitingformebehindcloseddoors.Iwonderwhatsheisthinking.Iwonderifsheisanticipatingherdeath.

HellknowsIam.

WhenweneartheendofthecityCarlislequickenshisspeed.DemetriandIspeeduptoaccommodatehimasheroundsthecorner.

ThewomanIseejustoutsidethegatesisthesamewomanI'veseenforoverahundredyearsinCarlisle'sthoughts.Herbeautytrulyistimelessinitselegance.Itisthetypethatfitsinanydecade,andisimmunetochangesinstyle.Butwhatmakesherasbeautifulassheis,istheamountoflovethatCarlisleholdsforher.Whenhisthoughtsarefilledwithanticipation,mythoughtsarefilledwithanticipation.Whenhisthoughtsarefilledwithexuberance,mythoughtsarefilledwithexuberance.WhenhisthoughtsarefilledwithloveforEsme,mythoughtsarefilledwithloveforEsme.

Behindheraretwomorecouples,oneofwhichCarlislehasseenbefore.Theothertwoaremysteriestousboth,andIquicklyscanthemindsofthem.Oneiscompletelynormalwhiletheotherperplexesme.IhaveasmallinklingthatIamseeingthingsthathaven'thappenedyet.

"Carlisle,"Esmecoos.Theyembrace.

AndthisiswhatIhaveprevented.

Therestofthepartyshiftsfromfoottofoot.IseethestunningblondRosaliewithhermateEmmettmeetmyeye.EmmettwonderswhyIamstillwearingVolturirobeswhileCarlisleisnot.Asfarasheknows,IamjoiningCarlisleonthistrip.Alice,ontheotherhand,seesafamilyscenewithoutmethere.

Istareather,notunderstandingwhyIamhurtbymyabsenceinthisperfectportrait.

Shestaresunflinchinglybackatmewithasomewhatbenignchallengeinherexpression.

Edward.

ItisAlice.Icontinuetostareatthisstrange,smallvampire.

IfyoukillmyfuturesisterIsweartoGodIwillhuntyoudown,ripyoutopieces,andburnyou.

MyeyeswidenandIgrowl,bearingmyteethather.Ihavenoideawhatinthehellshe'stalkingabout,butIamimmediatelyputonthedefensive.HerimagesofthisstrangefuturedonotholdmeorwhateversistersheisensuringIdon'tkill.Hermindshowsagainafamilyofsix.Shelooksexceedinglyfrustratedbythis,andturnsawayfrommygaze.

WhensheturnsInoticethateveryoneelseinourpresenceiswatchingourinteraction.I,infact,amcrouchingdowninpreparationforafight.Alice'smateglaresatme,hismindclearlydefensiveofAlice.Heevenmovesinfrontofherslightly,butsheisnolongerpayinganyattentiontome.Hermindisacontinuousstringofimagesthatdonotincludeme,andIdon'tunderstandwhyshekeepsthinkingthesamethoughts,thesame...visions?

DemetriplacesahandonmyshoulderandIturntoglareathim.Mynervesfeelwiredandfrayed.EverythingisbeingthrownatmefromeveryangleandIcan'tseemtogetmybearings.Carlislelooksatmewithanexpressionbothgraveandconcerned.Evennow,withEsmeinhisarms,Iamtaintinghishappinesswithmyproblems.IhuffasIattempttoregaincontrolofmyemotions,myfingersflexingatmysides.

Carlisleapproachesmewithasteadyandsmoothgait.

"Pleaseconsiderjoiningourfamily.Iknowthisisallyouhaveeverknown,butplease,considerit,"hesayssoftlyaswepart.

"Thankyoufortheoffer,Carlisle.Thankyouforeverything."InoticethatAliceglares

atmeasIspeak.Sheistheonlyonethattrulygraspshowdesolatemytoneis.

TheyallturnawayfromDemetriandme,thetwocloakedvampires.Theylookalmosthumanwhentheywalk.Itmustleakintothemafterbeingaroundhumansforsolong.Theyevenhavethemannerisms.Theyoccasionallytouchtheirhair,theyswingtheirarms,theyholdhandsandmovethemaround.Iwatchwithasmallamountoflongingandalargeramountofconfusion.DemetriistheonewhoendsupturningusbackintoVolterra.

"It'sstrange,isn'tit?"heasksaswewalk.Thewaytheyarealmostlikehumans.Ibetyousympathize,though;especiallyconsideringyourspecial…diet.

"No,Ithinkit'sstrange,too.Ican'timagineeverlivinglikethat.Surroundedbyhumansallofthetime...Ifindithardjusttobeinaroomwithonlyafewofthem."

Ourfeetechoacrossthedeserted,stonepathwayaswewalk.Ourvoicesaremuted–toolowforanyhumantohear.Thecloserwegettotheentranceoftheguardarea,themoremymindfocusesonwhatisawaitingmeinmybedroom.

Still,Iamsothirsty.

IrefocustorealizethatDemetriistalkingagain.

"Yourpowertoabstainstillastoundsme.BothyouandCarlislearefreaksofvampirenature."

"Isn'tthatabitcontradictory?"Ismile.

Perhaps,heallows,sharingmysmile.

WearewellonourwaythroughthedarktunnelswhenDemetrispeaksagain.

"Whereareyougoingafterthis?"heaskscalmly,thoughIknowexactlywhatheisgettingatthroughhisthoughts.HeiswonderingifIamgoingtogotoher,andifIamgoingtodrainher.Hewonderseventhoughhealreadyknowstheanswer.Hehimselfdrainedhissingerinlessthanthirtysecondsrightinfrontoftheentireguard.Ofcourse,Demetriwasn'texactlytryingtostayawayfromhumanbloodatthetime.

"I'mgoingtomyroom,Ithink,"Isayinaremarkablysmoothtone,thoughmytonguerunsslowlyalongmyteethinpreparation.

Edward,tryandthinkaboutwhatyou'redoing.Iknowthatyou'rebetterthanthis.Iknowthatyou'rebetterthanus,hesaysfervently.Andthenwehavestoppedmoving

andthewallsofthedarktunnelshaveshadowedhisfeaturesinawaythatlooksalmostvile.

"Iamnobetterthanyou,Demetri.Trustmeonthatone,"Ireply,chucklinghumorlessly.

Butifyoudon'tkillthisgirl,Arodoesn'tcontrolyouanymore.You'rebetterthanhim,Edward.Hewon'thaveanyholdonyouanymore.Youwillbefreefromthis.

"Free...andthenwhat,Demetri?So,I'mfree?ThenwherethefuckdoIgo?"

ThetimesthatIuseprofanityareuncommon,butwhenIdouseit,itissurelywithgoodcause.IfigurethatitissomethingingrainedintomebythecultureIgrewupin,butinparticularbymymother.OneofthefewthingsIrememberfrommyhumanyearsisthesoapinmymouthafterIcopiedthelittleboyatschool'swords.Evennow,itfeelsdespicableonmytongue.Demetristaresatmewithavacantsortofexpression.Hedoesn'tknowtheanswertomyquestion.Idon'tknowtheanswertomyquestion.

Idon'tknowwhattodoexcepttogiveinbecauseit'seasierthanbreakingout.

IfIhadaheart,itwouldbebeatingrapidly.IfIhadblood,mycheekswouldberedwithanger.IfIhadasoul,itwouldbeashamed.

Hissilencetellsmeeverything.

"That'swhatIthought,"Isnap."I'mgoingtomyroom."

IsoundlikeapetulantchildbutIdon'tcare.IpassAroandCaius,bothengrossedindeepconversation.ArolooksupwhenIpass.Henoticesthedeterminationinmyfaceandfeelsvictorious.

AsIturnthecornerdownintothehallthatleadstomyroom,Ipause.Iinhaledeeply.OnlyfainttracesofIsabellalingerhere.Ifeelthenostalgicremnantsofadrenalinecoursethroughme.Myfingersformuglyclawsandmymusclesclenchinanticipation.

AndthenIpanic.

MymindisracingandIcannotcontrolit.IfleetoCarlisle'sstudyandclosethedoorwithacrash,sinkingtothestonefloor.Theremovedbookshelvesleaveoutlinesetchedinthewallssignifyingtheamountoftimetheyweretherefor.Myeyesrunoverthedifferencesinshade;lighterwherethebookshelvesoncewere,darker

wheretheywereabsent.Iusethesetrivialfactsandfocusonthem.Iamtryingtoignoreallthathashappenedinthisendlessday,but,again,Ifail.

Iburymyfaceinmyhands,lostandconfusedandsodamnthirstythatmythroatfeelslikeitisonfire.

Briefly,IconsidercallingCarlisle.ThefactthatIevenconsideritissomewhatlaughable,especiallyseeingasIhaveonlyjustlethimgo.Thefactthatheisnolongerhereissomewhatisolating.Inolongerhaveacomradeinarmsinthiswretchedplace.Ofcourse,thereisDemetri,butwhothehellknowswhatsidehe'son.Ican'ttellfromdaytoday.

ButwhatisthereformeoutsideofVolterra?

BillionsofhumansIwon'tbeabletodrink,Carlisle,hismateandhisfamily.Thatisallthereis.Howisthatanybetterthanstayinghereandsuccumbingtomytruenature?Thereisnodifference.EitherwayIamdamnedandthatisallthereistoit.

Slowly,Istand.

Ipushmyselffromtheroom,walkingmuchfasterthantheleisurelypacethatiscommonbetweenactivitieshere.InoticethemturnandstarebutIblocktheirthoughts.Idon'tcare;Idon'twanttobejudged.Demetriattemptstogetmyattention.I'mnotsureIcare.Mymindisalreadysetandthere'snochangingit.

"Edward,I–"hebegins,butIpushpasthim.

"Don'ttouchme,"Isnap.Demetribacksoff,appraisingmeasifIwereacompletelydifferentperson.Arogrinstohimself,perchedinthecornerofthegreatroom.Idon'tpayanyattention,buthisthoughtsareunguardedenoughtoletmeknowthatheisproudofme.

Idon'tknowifitisablessingoracurse.

Ihearherandsmellhersimultaneously.HerheartbeatiswildandfranticthoughI'msureshecannothearmyapproach.Ourmovementsaretooquietforhumanstohearourarrival.Itisjustanotheroneoftheridiculousadvantageswehaveoverthem.

Iwonderifshe'sthinkingaboutherimminentdeath.Itisobvious,consideringherperformanceattheceremony,thatsheknowssheisgoingtodie.Iwonderifsheimagineditwouldtakethislongformetomakeupmymind.IwonderifsheknowsIwilldrawitout;IwonderifsheknowsIwillmakeithurt.IwonderifshethinksI'mthe

monsterthatIam.

Itoccurstome,briefly,thatshemustnotbethinkinganythingatall,becauseeveninthisshortrangeIcannothearherthoughts.Imakeanoiseagainstthestoneoutsideofmyroominordertoalerthertomypresence.Herheartbeatquickens,butshestilldoesn'tthinkanything.

Isshestupid?Isshetrulythinkingnothingofherdemise?

Unexplainablyangeredbythis,Iendupopeningthedoortomyroomwithmuchmoreforcethanshouldhavebeenexerted.Thedoorcreaksonitshinges,barelyhangingonasIstormthrough.

Isitunfairthatshelooksexactlytheoppositeofwhatamonstershould?

Yes,itis,becauseeverythinginmeregardsherasthecruelestkindofmonster.Already,shehaspreventedmyleaveofthiswretchedplace,separatedmefrommyonlycompanion,andnullifiedanyattemptatnormalcyIhavestrivedtoestablish.Yet,shesitstherelikesheisthevictim.Shesitstherelikeshehasn'tdoneanythingwrong,likeshehasn'truinedanyone'sentireexistence.

Theaudacity!Shethinkssheisthevictim.Thatiswhatshethinks.

"Pleasedon'tdoit,"shebegsme,staringwiththesewideeyesthatscreamvictim,victim.

Iwonderwhatmyfacelookslikenow.Itmustbemurderous,becausethatishowItrulyfeel.Myeyesfollowadropletofperspirationasitslidesfromhertemple,downhercheek,downherneck.MymouthpartsbecauseIamimaginingthatitisactuallyablooddroplet,andmythroatisofficiallyupinflames.Iinhaledeeplythroughmynoseandafloodofvenomentersmymouth.Iamswimminginit.

Ifitispossibletohatesomeonewithouteverspeakingtothem,Ihavesucceeded.

WhenIopenmyeyesagainshedoesn'tbeg.Iassumethatsheseesthefinalityinthem.Beggingwillnothelpheratall.

Itakemeasuredstepsclosertoher.Shestaresbackatme.Sheistryingtobeunafraid,thoughherbodygivesherawayentirely.EventhoughIcan'thearherthoughts,herbodyreadslikeanopenbook.Herteethslidedownonherlowerlipandbite,butnothardenoughtodrawblood.No,thatismyjobafterall.Shebreathestooloudlyandherheartpoundstoohard.Allofitiscloudingmysensesanddrawingmein.Thereisnojudgmentleft.

Ibite.

Ican'timagineanythingmoreluxuriousormoreghastly.Shedoesn'tevenscreamasIpullsoslowlyitmustbepainful,butittastessowonderfulthatIsimplyignorethesefacts.Atleast,Itryto.TheylingerinthebackofmymindasItrytoenjoythisperfection.Ibecomeangrywiththemandpullharder.Herheartbeatisslownow.Iamrunningout.

Nowwhat?Thenwhat?

Ipullbackwithaquickinhalation.Myteethleaveabloodysemicircleinherneck.

Andthenshestartstoscream.

It'sthevenom.

Istareather;bloodonmyshirt,bloodonmyface,bloodeverywhere.Iamdrowning.

WithahastethatIcannotcomprehend,mymouthisbacktoherneckandIampullingandtasting.There'ssomuchvenom;shewillnotbeabletolivethroughthis.She'sasgoodasdeadandshe'sstillscreaming.Mybrowfurrowsandthebloodisfinallyclean.

Ibreakawayinastrangehazebetweensatiationandlust.Still,sheisasgoodasdead.Herheartisbeating,thoughnotforlong,I'msure.WhenIpickherupsheisbothlimpandweightless.Thedressshewears–somethingIdidnothavethecontroltonoticebefore–issplatteredwithherownblood.Shelookslikeavictiminabloodycaraccident.

Shelookslikeavictim.

Ilayherdownonthecouchinmyroom,droptomyknees,andbegforhelp.

ItalicizedquotesbelongtoShakespeare'sMacbeth.

MacbethhasjustseentheghostofBanquo,themanheorderedtobemurderedundertheprophecyoftheThreeWitches.Heiswonderingwhethercontinuingtokillwouldbeeasierthannolongerkilling.

Thankstorevragfortheread.

Youcanalsoreadthisatwww(dot)adifferentforest(dot)com.

fromwhati'vetastedofdesire

Howcanitbeworthit?

Withleadeneyesandleadensoul,Ifeelaroundinthedarkness.Therearepebblesbeneathmyfeet;jaggedrocksanencasingjailthatsurroundsmybeinginitsentirety.OnefalsemoveandItrip,Ifall,Icrashthroughthesteelystonelikeanicesculpturefaçade.Butit'sendless,endless,andwhenIfeelforyouIfeelnothingatall.

Wanderingamidshadowslikecoarsefragmentsofaformerself,Isurrendertoyou,tome,toeveryone.

Creepsinthispettypacefromdaytoday

Tothelastsyllableofrecordedtime,

Andallouryesterdayshavelightedfools

Thewaytodustydeath.

InthisendlesstunnelIwadewaist-deepinmulch.IfIamgivenlightattheendofthis,attheendofthisnever-endingabyss,Icannotseeit,Icannotfindit.Stonecreviceslurkominouslyabovemyshoulders,reachingdownandtouchingthem,leadingthemwithintangiblepull.

Followme,followthispath,follow.

Atthebrokenbottomofmymindandheart,whereistheretogo?Encasedinnothing,butstrugglingagainstairandlightandsound,Ihurt.

Please,ohplease.

Out,out,briefcandle!

AreyouthereformeoramIwithouthope,withoutsubstance?Perseveringthrough,thoughmyharmknowsnobounds.Thereisnoforgivenessforsuchsinwithyou,withme.Thereissolitudewithyoursmile,happinesswithyourhope,afuturewithyourcourage.Thereisanendtothiscracking,cavingrock.

Life'sbutawalkingshadow,apoorplayer

Thatstrutsandfretshishouruponthestage

Andthenisheardnomore.Itisatale

Toldbyanidiot,fullofsoundandfury

Withtrustundeserved,thereispurposeequallyundeserved.Adrownedsailor,soldier,man,monster,crawlinghiswaytothesurfacewiththepromiseofanend,ofabeginning.

Iaskyouplease,takemeinyourheart,takemeinyoursoul,carryme,showmetheway,showmehowtobe,andIwillbeforeveryours.

Leadmethroughthistunneltodeath,andIwillembraceit.

Signifyingnothing.

#

Sheisn'tdead.

Atleast,Idon'tthinksheis.

Ihaven'tmovedin...Idon'tevenknowhowlong.Itfeelslikeallofmymusclesarefrozeninplace.Iamstillcrouching,headbentatanawkwardangleasIwait.Iexpectedhertodiequickly,andthenIwouldburyherdeepintheearthandputafloweronhergrave.Butsheisstillherebreathingandbeatingandalive.Idon'tbreathebecauseherheartbeatisgettingstrongerandI'mafraidIwillrepeatmyactions.

IfeelsickinmystomachandIcan'texplainwhy.Ihaveneverfeltthiswaybeforeand,honestly,itscaresme.Iamalwaysincontrol.Ialwayshavetheadvantageinalmosteverysituation,thankstomytalentaboveallelse.Butthisstupid,insignificantgirlhasunearthedeverything,leavingmenakedandbare.Andshehasn'treallydoneanything,either.Simplybybeing,shehasthrownmefrommyfeetandleftmebreathless.

Idon'tevenknowwhatI'mwaitingfor.Whatcouldpossiblycomeofthis?Nothing,thatiswhat.

EitherIwillkillherorshewillbekilled.Nohumanssurvivedownhere.Noteventhevoluntaryones.

Itentativelyreachoutandbrushmyfingeralongherankle.Evenatsuchaneutralspot,Ifeelthebloodthumpagainstmyskin,aconstantpressure.Stillholdingmy

breath,Iswallow.ThereareemotionsIdon'tunderstandand,perhaps,don'twanttounderstand.Thereisdriedbloodinherhairandonherfaceandonherdress.

Herkneesarebruised.Fromwhat,Iamunsure.Herskinisunmarredsaveformydisgustingcrueltyatherneck.Itismilkywhiteandabsurdlyangelic,andIrealizethatIhaveyettoremovemycold,deadfingersfromherankle.Isnapthembacklikeareflexandfeelthehumanwarmthslowlyleakfromthem.

Myeyesdarttoherfaceashereyelidsflutterinadisturbinglydelicateway.Hereyelashesbrushsoftlyagainstthethin,fragileskinbeneathhereyes.Andthentheyopen.

Battermyheart,three-person'dGod;forYouAsyetbutknock;breathe,shine,andseektomend;ThatImayrise,andstand,o'erthrowme,andbendYourforce,tobreak,blow,burn,andmakemenew.I,likeanusurp'dtown,toanotherdue,Labourtoadmityou,butO,tonoend.Reason,yourviceroyinme,meshoulddefend,Butiscaptived,andprovesweakoruntrue.YetdearlyIloveYou,andwouldbelovedfain,Butambetroth'duntoYourenemy;Divorceme,untie,orbreakthatknotagain,TakemetoYou,imprisonme,forI,ExceptYouenthrallme,nevershallbefree,Noreverchaste,exceptYouravishme.

Foreveraslavetosin,Iindulgemyselfinthebeautyofhereyes.

Theyarecloudedandglassywithhoursofunconsciousness.Theyrollblindlyintheirsockets,focusingonnothing.Iwaitwithbatedbreath–literally–forhertofinallylookover.Willsherememberorwouldsheblockontheentireevent?Willshehateme?Whydidthatevenmatter?Sheshouldhateme,forIamnearlyhermurderer.

Andthenshelooksstraightatme.ItisanimpenetrablestarethatIcannotpossiblybreak.Iwonderwhatsheisthinkingforthetenthtimeinoneminute,thoughshecontinuestodisappoint.Alwaysamystery,herbrowfurrowsslightly.Shethenreachesupandlightlybrushesherfingersoverthecrescent-shapedwoundinherneck.Reflexively,Iswallow.Shewincesandlowersherhandasslowlyasshebroughtitup.Still,shedoesn'tsayanything.

Idon'tknowhowshe'salive.

"Edward?"sheaskssoftly,quietly.Iwonderhowshecanpossiblyaddressmehumanely,howshecanpossiblyremembermynameaftereverything.InodanddropmyeyestothefloorinshameIbothfeelandunderstand.Ihavefailedmiserablyagainandagain.Shedoesn'tsayanythingoncemyeyesdrop,thoughIhearherbreath;everyinhaleandexhaleisquietandcalm.Again,Iwonderwhatsheisthinking."Don'tbesad,"shesayssuddenly,"Iknewyou'dbemyangel."

Myeyesmovebacktohersontheirownaccord.

"What?"Isnap,anditisaputrid,uglysound.ItisalsothefirstwordIhaveeverspokendirectlytoher.

Herliptremblesslightlyatmyferocity.Whatisitthatsheexpectsfromme?ThereisnothingIcanoffer.

"FromthefirstsecondIsawyouIknewyou'dbemyangel.Myangelinheaven,"shesays,practicallyinawhisper.SheisstaringatmewithsuchintensitythatIalmostbelieveherstatementmyself.Soon,Isnapoutofit.Likeshakingmyheadandremovingmyselffromafog,Ipullmyselfbacktoreality.

"This,"Ibegin,gesturingwildlyatoursurroundings,"isanythingbutheaven.AndIamnotanangel."Ilaughdarkly,mostlytomyself.Shestaresatmeunblinkingly,hermouthpartedslightly.

"Idon'tunderstand..."shetrailsoff,andthensheiscrying.Shecriesthick,wettearsthatlookimpossibletocontrol.Iamstruckdumbbythesituation.Idon'tknowwhattodo,butIdoknowthatIwanthertostop.ThereisthisnewfoundacheinmychestwhenIseehercrying,forhercryingseemsalmostblasphemous.ForeverythingIhavedonetoher,nowImakehercry.

Iduckmyheadandpullatmyhair.

"Pleasestop,"Ibegher,Ibegthefloor.

AndthenIfindmyselfmuttering,"I'llmakeitheaven,I'llmakeitheaven,"overandoverandoveragain.

Sherollsontoherside,curlingintoaball.Ihearthecushionsofthecouchgivebeneathherbodyasshemoves,itsspringscreakingfromdisuse.WhenIlookupagainsheisstaringstraightforward.Shewon'tevenlookatmeandIcertainlycan'ttouchher.EverytimeIinhalemythroatstingsandaches,butIdon'tmove.Idon'tknowwhatsheneeds,whatIshoulddo.Shedoesn'tsayanything,shedoesn'taskforanything.AmIsupposedtoguess?

Afterawhile,shefallsasleepagain.Herhandsunclenchandherfacerelaxes,andIwonderhowlongithasbeensinceshehaseaten.Islowlystand,mymusclesabitstiffaftercrouchinginthesamepositionforsolong.IknowthatIdon'thaveanyfoodhere,butIalsoknowthatIcan'tleaveherdownherealoneandunprotected.Ilookatmyclothesandhers;theyarecoveredinblood.

Ichangeclothesandrobes,andthenshowerquicklytoremovetherestofthebloodfrommyskin.Iscrubfuriouslyhard,feelingindescribablydirtyandwrong.WhenIfinishandreturntomyroomshesitsupstraightonthecouch.Herhairismattedandknottedononeside,andherdressridesuptoohighformenottonotice.Myeyesdarttothepale,whiteskinofherthighsbeforereturningquicklytoherface,theimagepermanentlyplacedinmymemories.ShelooksatmewhenImakesomenoise,jumpingslightlyinhersittingposition.

Therearetwodrieddropletsofbloodathertempleandonhercheek.FromthispositionIcan'tseethemassacreIhavemadeofherneck.

"I...um,doyouwanttotakeashower?"Iask,scratchingthebackofmyneckasIhoverinthedoorway.Sheonlyblinksatme,andIrealizeIwasspeakingtoofastforhertounderstand.Iaskagainandshenodsfervently.ImustremembertocallCarlisleandaskhimhowinthehelltodealwithhumans.Iwonderwhathewillthinkofmysituation.Willhebeangeredwithme?Doeshealreadyknowduetothestrange,smallvampirenamedAlice?Willhespeaktomeatall?

IpushthesethoughtsdownandawaywhenIseeherstandup,thenfalter.

AndIamathersideinaninstantandherhandsaregraspingmyforearmandIamnolongerbreathing.

"Oh,"sheexhalesandclenchesmyforearmwithmorestrength.Icanblamethisstumbletomanythings;lowbloodpressure,lowbloodsugar,clumsiness.Icannotpinpointthecauseexactlybutshedoesn'tseemsurprisedbyit.HerwarmthisincrediblyoverwhelmingandIdon'tknowhowtoextricatemyselffromherhands.Imoveslightlyawayandsheletsgo,droppingherhandsathersides.

"Followme,"Isay,slowlythistime.Shenodsandfollowsclosebehindme.Icanhearherheartrateincreasewhenwestepoutintothehall,thoughmybathroomisveryclose.Herbarefeetmakedullslappingnoisesonthestonebeneathus,andIfindmyselfwonderingwhyshewasnevergivenshoes.Iquicklycometotheconclusionthatnooneexpectedhertolastaslongasshehas.Nooneincludingme.

Iwaitoutsidethebathroomassheshowers.Afewpeoplepassbyme,thoughthey

paymenomind.Infact,theydon'tevenwonderwhyIamstandinginaseeminglyrandompositioninthehallway.Theynotethewaterrunninginthebathroomandthatisall.

Itrydesperatelynottolistentohershower,butIfail.

TherearenoisesthatIcannotpossiblyignore.First,thereisthesoundofthefabricofherdresshittingthefloorofthebathroom.Iknockmyheadintothewallinordertocoverupthesound,butitreverberatesinmymindonconstantrepeat.ThenIheartheshowercreakopen.Thesoundofherfootstepschangefromtheoutsideoftheshowertotheinside.Theshowerturnsonandshegaspslightly;thewatermustbecold.Icanhardlyfeelthetemperaturechangesandcursemyselffornottestingthewaterbeforesheentered.ThenIhearherhandsrunthroughherhair,andthewetsoundofthehairhittingthenakedskinofherback.Myeyesareshutnow,myhandstwitching.Thenthereisthebarely-theresoundofsoaprunningacrossnakedflesh,ofaheartrateincreasing,ofabreathingrateincreasing.Andthen,almostasquicklyasitstarted,theshowershutsoff.

IalmostjumpandmovequicklytomakeitseemasthoughIwasn'thoveringbythedoorandlisteningtohershower.Itthenoccurstomethatshedoesn'thaveanyclothestochangeinto.

"Crap,"Icursetomyself,thendashbacktotheroomandgrabextrarobesandashirt.ItisthebestIcanfind.WhenIreturn,Itaponthedoorhesitantly.Seemingtoreadmymind,sheopensthedooracrackandsticksherhandout.Iamrelievedtoseethatitisfreeofanyexcessblood.Ihandhertheclothesand,oncesheshutsthedoor,inhaledeeply.Mymindisconstantlyswimminginherscent.Iwonderifmystrangeattractiontohermerelystemsoutofmyintensewantforherblood,orifitissomethingelse.Somethingdifferent.

AfterafewmomentsIhearfeetwalkingdownthehallwaytowardme.

IwonderifAroknows...whatisthatsmell?Edward'ssinger?No,doubtit...thereheis.No,eyesarered.Probablyjustlingeringscent.NeedsomeFebrezeforthesehumans...

Janethenproceedstolaughaloudatherownjoke.Shecomesintohearingrangejustintimetohearmesnort.

"Whyareyouhovering,Edward?"shesnaps.Sheiseasilyannoyed,anddoesnotappreciateitwhenanyonelaughsather.Hereyebrowsknittogetherinthecenterandshestaresatmewithherheadcockedtotheside."Youreyesarered.It'smuchbetterthanthatfreakishgold,Ihavetosay.Howwasthesinger?"

MyeyesdarttothesideasIpreparetolie,onlytorealizethatIcansimplytellthetruth.

"Great.Fantastic,"Isayemphaticallybecauseofhowtruemywordsare.Thebloodwasgreat,fantastic.SogreatandfantasticthatIalmostkilledaninnocentgirlforit.

"Iremembermysinger.Hewasthisoldguy;reallyold.Seriously,heevenhadapot-belly.Buthisblood..."shetrailsoff,remembering.Ifindmyselffallingintothelustsheheldforhersinger.VenomcascadesintomymouthasIfeelwhatshefeels,whatsheremembers.Ithenrememberthesingerthatisstandingonlyfeetawayfromme,dressinginmyclothes.Ishakemyheadfromthecloudsforthesecondtimeinoneday.Janestaresbackatme.

Thoughwearesilent,herthoughtsarevery,veryloud.ThisispunctuatedbythefactthatIsabellasuddenlydecidesthatshewantstoleavethebathroom,andJane'seyesdarttotheturningknob.Iquicklystifleitwithmypalmandpushagainstthedoortoensurethatitdoesn'topen.Thereisaconfusedthumpontheothersideofthedoor,thensilence.HerheartbeatisfaintbutIcanhearit.ImonitorJane'snowloud,suspiciousthoughts,butshedoesn'tseemtoheartheheartbeatthatIhear.PerhapsitisloudernowthatIamattunedtoher,foritisalreadyprettyfaint.

Janeinterruptsmytrainofthought.

"You'resortofsociallyretarded,doyouknowthat?"sheaskswithasmallsneer.

"Uh...okay,"Irespond,notreallyknowingwhattosaytothat.

Janejustlaughs,shakingherheadasthoughIamsomesortofnaïvechild.Ifeelasmallpushagainstthedooragain.IwonderifIsabellathinksIhavelockedherinsidethebathroom.Ipushbackinresponse,hopingthatshesomehowrealizesIamtryingtokeepherinthereforherownsafety.

"Well,Istillsmellher.Hopefullyyougotyourfill,becauseevenIadmitthatyoursingersmelledprettydamngood."Janetakesalargeinhaleinordertopunctuateherstatement.Forme,itisstrangetoseesomeonesosmallusingprofanelanguage.Ihaveastrangeurgetoscoldher,thoughIknowshewouldhavemescreamingonthegroundinonlymoments.

"Idid,"Isay,smilingweakly.

"It'snicetoseeyouwithredeyes,Edward.Thegoldwasalmostfreakish.I'llseeyouaround."Shethenswivelsonapointedtoeandwalksinthedirectionshecame

from.Itisnowclearthatshewassuspiciousofme.Apparently,Ihavepassedthetest.Iexhalealargebreathandslumpmybackagainstthedoortothebathroom,collectingmyself.JanecouldhaveeasilyannihilatedIsabella,justlikethat.TheremaybeprotectionforhumansinVolterra,butthereisnoprotectionforhumansunderneathVolterra.

ItakeanotherbreathofdilutedIsabellascent,holdit,thenturnandopenthedoor.Shesitsonthefloor,chininherpalm,swimmingintheVolturirobes.ShelooksupwhenIopenthedoor.

"I'mreallyhungry,"shesays,thenclutchesherstomachbeneaththerobes.

Inodabsently.Nowwhat?

Shestandsandlooksatmeexpectantly.Herhairiswetanddrippingdownthebacksideoftherobes.Iseeahintofthered,aggravatedskinofherneckwheremyteethmadepurchase.Istareatitwithhatred,disgust,andlonging.Still,thoughIputherthroughhellandback,Iwanttoreopenthewound.Irememberthesweetfeelingofherbloodslidingdownbythroat,easingtheparchedache.Wonderfullyghastly,Iwantitallagain.AndthenIlookatherface.Eyeswideandclear,fringedinlashesandeyebrows.Herfeaturesaregracefulintheirdelicacy,andthoughtheyaresomewhatoff-kilter,theyarebeautifulintheirimperfections.Iwonderwhatshethinksofmewhenshestareswithlipsparted.Iwonderifsheseesamonsteroraman.

Mythroatwantshertoseethemonster.

Myheartwantshertoseetheman.

IthenrememberAro'sorder;nooneistocometomyroomwhenIsabellaisthere.Perfect.

Wewalkbacktomyroom,Isabellafollowingcloselybehind.Iwonderifshewillfollowmeanywhere.IwonderwhyIwantthatsobadly.

Isabellawalksbacktothecouchandtentativelysitsdown,theVolturirobesbillowingaroundher.Theblackswallowsherdelicateframebeneathit,marringherinawayIcan'tcomprehend.Shelooksupatmeagain,eyeswide.

"I'llgetyousomefoodbutyouhavetostayinthisroom."Itakeaquick,sharp,painfulbreath."Evenifyouneedsomethingjust...justwaitformetocomeback.Evenifsomeoneasksyoutocomeoutoranythinglikethat."IrealizeIamspeakingtoofastneartheendofmyorder,andvoluntarilyslowdown.Shenodsslightlyand

looksdownatthefloor.IwonderwhatI'vesaidthat'smadeherbreakeyecontact.

"Okay,"shefinallysays.

Imovetoleavetheroom,andthenturnaroundalmostspontaneously.

"Couldyoupromise?Nottoleavetheroom...please."

ShelooksassurprisedasIfeelaboutmyrequest.

"Oh,sure.Imean,Ipromise,"shestammers.Shemeetsmyeyesagainandthebloodpoolsbeneathhercheekbones.ThevenommultipliesinmymouthandIforcemyselfnottoinhale.

"Okay,"Isay,expellingthelastofmystoredbreath.Ibackoutoftheroomandclosethedoorwithasnap,ensuringthatItravelagooddistancebeforeIbreatheagain.Thankfully,themainareaisnearlydesertedandIamabletopassthroughquicklyandeasily.IamalmostoutsidewhenHeidisuddenlyappearsinmypath.Ihaltwhenshestandsinfrontofme.

"Redeyes,"shecomments.

Whyiseveryonetalkingtometoday?AndHeidi,too...

Ireachuptorubmytemples,preparingfortheonslaught.

"Yes,"Ireplycurtly.Iattempttosidestepherbutshematchesmymovementseasily.

"Great.Comehuntingwithmesoyoudon'tgetmeintroublewithAroagain.You'regoingoutanyway,right?"sheasks,thoughshehasalreadymadeherassumptionandisplanningthegatheringsession.Istifleagroan.PerhapsIcangetsomefoodwhilesheisgettingsomehumans,andshecanbemycover.Yeah,sure.

"Okay,"Isighreluctantly.

WewalkoutintothestreetsofVolterrawhereIeventuallyconvinceHeidithatIwillmeetherlatertocheckoverthegathered.Iabsentlyroamthestreetsforawhile,lookinginfoodshopswithoutenteringthem.ItissurprisinglyhardtoshopforsomethingwhenIhavenointerestinit,nordoIunderstandit.IthinkbacktoIsabella,waitingformeinthebedroom.Mybedroom.

Nowisprobablyagoodtimetohunt.

Irunfast,mylegspoundingagainstthegroundasIsprintaftermyprey.Thesmall

animallooksatmewithfear.ItknowsIamapredatorjustbyitsinstincts.ItfleesasIchaseafterit,exhilaratedbythecleanairandthefeelingoftheplantsthatsnapeasilyagainstmyskin.Finally,myteethsinkintothefur.Mybodyisexcitedfortheplunge;itdoesn'texpectthebloodtotastethickandputrid.Ialmostspititout,thoughIswallowitreluctantlyforsatiation.

DidIsabellaruinmeforthisaswell?Somehow,Iamnotsurprised.

IalmoststumblebacktoVolterra.Heidihasalreadygatheredmanyhumans.TheymillaboutintheshadowsasHeidicirclesthemlikeasharkcirclingitsprey.Istopatthegrocerystore.Imovetooquicklyforanyofthehumanstosee,grabbingrandomobjectsoffoftheshelves.Somearebrown,green,frozen,solid,squishy...Idon'tknowwhattheyare,butthevariationintexturesisslightlydisturbing.IgatherenoughsoIknowthatIsabellawon'tbehungry.

HeidistaresatmelikeIhavethreeheadswhenIreturnwiththefood.

"Whatisthatfor?"sheasks,hermindroamingthroughhundredsofpossibilities.

"Experiment,"Ireplycurtly.Endofdiscussion.

"Whatever,"sherollshereyes."Anyofthemnatives?"

Iscanthroughtheirmindsquickly.

"Alltourists,"Isay,andthenbrushpasther.

Idon'tknowhowlongIsabellahasbeenwaiting.Probablyhours,andI'malmostsurethatistoolongforahuman.Willshedie?

Ispeedup,thefoodinmyhandsjostlingaround.Mybodyfillswithsickdread,sickfear.DidImakeanothermistake?AmIworryingtoomuch?WhatthehellamIevendoing?Irushthroughthegreatroomandintomyown,onlytofindhersittinginnearexactlythesamespotIleftherin.

ThesleevesoftheVolturirobesarerolleduppastherelbows.Inoticetheylooktoogaunt,tooskinny.Isthathealthy?Willshedie?

Shestaresatmeforamoment,andthenshesnortsloudly.

IamsosurprisedthatInearlydropthefoodIamholding.IwonderifI'vedonesomethingwrong,andthenrealizethatsheislaughingatme.Ishufflemyfeet,thenwalkovertoher.I'msmilingslightly,thoughIfeellikeIammissingoutonaprivate

joke.

"Edward,didyoubuyfiveTwinkies?"sheasks,laughingharder.

"Yes,Ithinkso,"Iadmit,dumpingthehandfulsoffoodinfrontofher.Idon'tmentionthatIneveractuallypurchasedthefoodsheisgoingtoeat.ShepicksuptheTwinkiesandrollsthemaroundherpalms.Thewrapperscrinklebetweenherhandsandshelaughs,suddenlysqueezingonetightlyandcausingthefillingtoexplodefromtheinside.Honestly,itlooksdownrightdisgusting.

"Youknow,onetime,IwasatthiscarnivalwithmydadinruralWashingtonandtheyhaddeepfriedTwinkies.ItwassogrossthatIactuallythrewupafterwardsintothebushes.CharliehadtoholdmyhairbecauseIkeptspewingchunks."Shethenlaughshysterically,openinguponeoftheTwinkiesandstuffingitinhermouth.Sheswallowstheentirethingintwobites.Itrynottostare.Ifail.

Itentativelysitdownasshecontinuestoeat.Sheintermittentlytellsmestoriesaboutherchildhoodwithoutevenseemingtomeanit.Afterward,IknowaboutherhomelifeinForks,Washington,herfriendJacob,andherfather,Charlie.Shedoesn'taskquestions,onlytalksandeatsasIlisten.Whensheshiftstherobesshowmoreofherskin.

Iwonderifshenoticeshowstillmychestisinabsenceofbreath.

Idoubtit.

SheactslikeIamhernewbestfriend.AmIforgiven?Isitpossibleformetobeforgiven?No.

"Edward?"sheasks,hertonesuddenlydifferent."DoyouthinkitwouldbepossibleformetogobacktoWashingtonsomeday?"

ThequestionissosuddenthatIamsurprised.Shewantstoleaveme?Ofcourse,whywouldn'tshe?

"I...Ithinkso,"Isayslowly.Idon'tknowwhyIamtellingherthis.Ihavenoidea.

Butthenshesmiles,andIknowexactlywhyIchosetheanswerthatIdid.

"Doyoupromise?"sheaskstentatively,bitingdownonherlowerlip.

"Ipromise,"Ilie.

Shefallsasleeponthecouchagain,surroundedbyvariousfoodwrappers.Ipick

themupandhidethem,thoughifanyonegetsasfarasthisroomthewrapperswillbetheleastofourproblems.Shemumblesquietlyinhersleep.Idon'thaveanyblankets,soIpullanothersetofrobesoutandcoverherwithit.Shestretchesoutlikeacatandsighs.

Ialmosttouchher.Myhandhoversoverhercheekcloseenoughtofeeltheemanationofwarmth.Idon'twanttoriskwakinghersosoon,andreluctantlypullmyhandaway.WithonelasthesitantlookIleavetheroom,gentlyshuttingthedoorclosedbehindme.

IclimbtothesurfaceofVolterraagain.Itisdarkoutside,thoughthemooncastsbrightlightsalongtheexposedsurfacesofthecity.Ifindasecludedareafarenoughfrombothhumansandvampires,thenpullmyphoneoutofmypocket.ItisadeviceIhaverarelyused,thoughCarlislegaveittomeafewweeksbeforehismovetoNewYork.Hisnumberisalreadyprogrammedintothephone.Hisdoing,Iassume.

Itonlyringsonce.

"Edward?"Hesoundswindedwhenhespeaks,almostlikehehasjustbeenhunting.Ihearnoisesbehindhim;arustlingfollowedbyvoicesbeingquietedbyothervoices."Areyouintrouble?"heasksafterIdonotspeak.

"Don'tyoualreadyknow?IaskbecauseIassumeAliceislivingwithyou."ThefactthatCarlisleprobablyalreadyknowsmytroublesmakesmeinappropriatelylivid.Hehesitatesbeforehespeaks.Ihearhiminhaleaslow,measuredbreath.

"Yes.Edward,youcannotimaginehowproudweareofyou."Someonespeaksinthebackground,thoughtheyarequietedquicklyafterward.

"Carlisle...Carlisle,Ialmostkilledher.AndnowIhavethisgirlandIhavenoideawhattodowithher,"Iexclaim,myanxietiesbubblingtothesurfaceastheyalwaysdoinconversationwithmypeculiarfatherfigure.

"Butshe'snotdead,Edward.She'snotdead."Wherehisfinalitycomesfrom,Idonotknow.

"Yet,"Ifinishwithasneer.

Carlisleisquietbutwhoeverisnearhimisnot.Afterafewmoments,thereiscompletesilencesaveforCarlisle'ssoftbreathing.

"Youwon'tkillher,Edward.IfthereisanythingthatIamcertainof,itisthat."

"What,didAliceseeit?"Iask,incredulous.

"Hervisionsaren'twhatyouwouldexpect.Theyaresubjecttochangebasedonpeople'sdecisions."

InoticethatCarlisledoesn'tspecificallyanswermyquestion.

"HowdoyouknowIwon'tkillher?"Iaskwiththeuncertaintyofasmallchild.

"BecauseIknowyou,Edward.IamproudofyouandIbelieveinyou.Iknowyoucandothis,"hesayswithintenseconviction.Isighandpinchthebridgeofmynose,pacingbackandforthanxiously.

Ithendecide,foronce,tobelievehim.

ItalicizedquotesUPTO"signifyingnothing"belongtoShakespeare'sMacbeth.

Macbethfeelsguiltyaftercommittingregicide,andbelievesthatlifenolongerhasapurpose.Inessence,lifeisbutanillusion.

PoemAFTER"signifyingnothing"belongstoJohnDonne's"HolySonnetXIV".

ThepoetisstrugglingwiththeabilitytobefaithfultoGodwhiletryingtoresistthetemptationofsin.HewantsGodtobe"rough"withhim,forhebelievesthatheisboundtothedevilbysin.

Thankstorevragfortheread.

Youcanalsoreadthisatwww(dot)adifferentforest(dot)com.

iholdwiththosewhofavorfire

Wiselyandslow;theystumblethatrunfast.

IcanfeelyoubeneathmeinawayIcan'texplain,can'tunderstand.Thewarmthofyourbodyisfirethatsurroundsme,consumesme.Youarethebeaconoflightthatleadsmetosafecoasts,dockingtreacherousshipsonyoursolidshore.Homeiswhereyoutakeme,whereyoufeelme.AsIwadethroughshallowwatersIfeelyouaroundmenow,caressingdeadenedskinwiththelightestoftouchesandthewhispersofbreath.

Waitforme.Letmetouchyou.

AswewalktogetherIbreathesilentpromisesintoawaitingears.Yourollupthedampfabricofmyclothesandsigh.ThesearethelovelysoundsthatItakeandkeep,littletokensofgratitudelitteredalongthesand.Withapoet'sdemeanoryouholdyourheadtotheskyandscream.

See,howsheleanshercheekuponherhand!OthatIwereagloveuponthathand,thatImighttouchthatcheek

Thehairwhipsaroundyourfaceinthecoldbreeze.Dancingwiththewind,youspinandtwirlinthesandtoanunheardsong.Thebeautythatgroundsmeplaguesme.

Thesunsetstocolddarknessbutitisfine,foryouaremylightandyouaremywarmth.

Itistheseasonwheretheairwhistlesandcallstoussecretsundeserved.Youcatchtheminyourbalmyhandsandbringthemtoyourlipswheretheystayunheard.Withmischiefandfollyyoushapeandmoldeveryoneyoumeet.IfeelyourkissuponmyskinandIwantyouinhiddencrevicesandforbiddenplaces.

Youlayonthegroundandthetall,dryleavesbrushyournakedskin.

Theybeckontome,leadingmetoyouandtellingmetoloveyou,thoughIknowIalreadydo.

Thusfrommylips,byyours,mysinispurged.

Isthatsoselfish?

Isthatsowrong?

#

Dejectedandslightlyfrustrated,IaimlesslyroamthestreetsofVolterra.

IknowthatIsabellaissafeinmyroomunderAro'sorders,yetthereisastrongpullformetoreturntoheranyway.ThecrispnightaireventuallyleadstodayandIamsotiredofhidingintheshadowsthatIeventuallyduckunderground.Thedarktunnelsarebothforebodingandwelcoming.Thisisnormalgiventhefactthatmyhomeissounwelcoming.AsIdescendthethoughtsgetlouder,thoughhardlyanyonepaysmeanymind.TheyassumethatIhavekilledmysingerandamheretostay.Tothem,Iamnolongerafreak.Iamoneofthemasses.Finally,Ibelong.

IblockthethoughtsoutasIwalkthroughthegreatroom.Again,noonepaysmeanymind.Theycarryontheirconversationsasusual.Ihear,throughDemetri,thatthereistobeyetanothertrialtodayandIwillmostlikelybeparticipating.Itisa"repeatclient,"apparently.Ipinchthebridgeofmynoseandspeedupmymovementssothatnoonewilltalktomeandimmediatelyretiretomyroom.Itmustbetooearlyformosthumanstobeawake,forIsabellaisstillasleeponthecouch.

Inaway,shelookslikeanabusedchild.Sheistoothin,bruised,ill-accommodatedfor.TheroomisthickwithherscentandIamimmediatelygratefulforthelargebreathsItookjustoutsidethedoor.Obviously,airisn'tcompletelynecessary,butitisn'texactlycomfortableornaturaltoholditforlongperiodsoftime.

Herheartbeatisgettingstronger.Icanhearitinmyearsandtasteitinmymemories.MybodyreactstoherpresenceinawayInowexpect:atighteningofmuscles,aninfluxofvenom,anonslaughtofthirst-invokingmemories.InawayakintoCarlisle,Iignoreit,partlybecauseIhavealreadywrongedhersomuch,andpartlybecauseIknowsomethinginmewouldcrumbleifIweretotouchheragain.

Isitdownasfarawayfromheraspossiblebutitisstilltooclose.AsIwatchhersleepthere,sounguardedandsoopen,IwonderifAro'srequeststillapplies.Afterall,theGuardthinkssheisdead.Whatwouldpreventthemfromenteringmyroomiftheysochoose?Icannotprotectherhere.Briefly,aflickerofhoperesidesinlivingwithCarlisle,butIknowtherearetoomanyobstacles.Themajoronewouldbegettingheroutofherealive.Mostlikely,itwouldbeimpossible.

Shesighsinhersleepandturnsover,unintentionallyflauntingthegashonherneck.IcringeandavertmyeyesasifIweredisruptingherprivacy.Idon'tlookbackuntilshewakesafewhourslater,thoughherfirstlookofconsciousnessmakesmefeellikethepeepingTomIam.

"Wereyouwatchingmysleep?"sheaskswithherheadcockedtotheside.

Immediately,shereachesoverandgrabsthelastofthefoodIpickedupthepreviousnight.Noneofitisfitforbreakfast,apparently,forshewrinkleshernoseandhesitantlyopensanotherTwinkie."YouthinkI'dgetsickofthesesoon,butthey'restillsogood,"shesaysrightbeforetakinganotherbite.IwonderifsherealizesIneveransweredherfirstquestion.

Iwatchherswallow.Twice.

"Youdon'ttalkmuch,"sheremarks,statingtheobvious.Irollmyeyes.Shecallsmeonit."Hey!Youjustrolledyoureyesatme.Rude."Thenshelaughs;notjustagiggle,butafullbellylaugh.Ismileslightlyinresponse."Thisisallsoabsurd."

She'sdefinitelyrightaboutthatone.Itakeasmallbreathandimmediatelymymouthfloodswithvenom.

"Iagree,"Irespondaroundthevenom.SheonceagainseemssurprisedthatIspoke,forshepausesabitbeforetakingafinalbiteoftheTwinkie.Shecrinklesupthewrapperandattemptstoshootitintothesmallwastebasketbythedoor.Shemissesbyamile."Oops,"shegiggles,andIsuddenlyfindmyselfwonderingifthisissomeperverseStockholmsyndromewherethecaptivefeelsfreetojokewithhercaptor.

Wearesilentforaninappropriateamountoftime.Iseesheisnervous,forshefidgetsincessantly.Herfootbounces,shebitesherlip,shepullsatherhair,shewringsherhands.Iwatchwithtoomuchfascinationtoputheroutofhermisery.Again,itisshewhobreaksthesilenceandforcesmetotakeyetanotherbreath.

"Edward,what'syourlastname?"sheasksrandomly.

"Idon'thaveone,"Ianswerautomatically.Sheseemstoponderthis,herheadcockedtotheside.ShehooksapieceofhairbehindherearasIwatch.

"Didyoueverhaveone?"

"Yes,once,"Imurmur.Once,mylastnamewasMasen.Iamnotthatmananymore;Iamnotman.

"Areyoubeingpurposelyobtuse?"sheaskswithaslightedgetohertone.Issheangrywithme?Icontemplatethisforamoment,andthendecidethatsheisannoyed.Shescowlsanditcreatesagroovebetweenhereyebrowsthatisn'ttherewhenherfaceisrelaxed.

"Ijustdon'tthinkyoushouldknowthatmuchaboutme,"Irespondcalmly.This

seemstoangerhermore,thoughIdon'tknowwhy.Withintrigue,Iwatchhermotions.Shestandsandscowlsslightly,pacesupanddowntheroomtwice,thenreturnstoherseatonthecouch.Ifollowherwithmyeyes,slightlyperplexed.ThehumannessisforeigntomeandIcan'tgraspwhathergesturesmeanwithouttheaidofherthoughts.Suddenly,IseemytalentisacrutchthatIcan'twalkwithout.

Shelooksresolutenow,staringatmewithunblinkingeyes.Idon'tknowwhathaschanged.Itishorriblyfrustrating.

"Iknowmoreaboutyouthanyouthink,"shesaysconfidently,slowly.

Iraisemyeyebrowinresponse,callingherbluff.

"Youareavampire,"shepauses,stillstaring."Youhavelivedhereyourentire...existence.Youronlyfriendsareyourfather,Carlisle,andyourfriend,Demetri.Youcanreadpeople'smindsjustbybeingintheirpresence,butIdon'tthinkyoucanreadmine.Youusuallyonlyfeedonanimalsbutsometimesyouslipupandkillhumans.You'vekilledalotofhumans,butnotnearlyasmanyasmostvampires.DemetritoldmethattheonlywayIwasgoingtobeabletolivewasifIspoketoyoubeforeyouweretokillme.Ihadtogetyoutolisten,anditworked.Well,sortof."Herhandflutterstoherneckinaseeminglyunintentionalmove.Sheleavesitthere.

"Demetritoldyouallofthis?"Iask,feelingsomewhatbetrayed.IcompletelyignoreherhandbutstillfeelthesickfeelinginmystomachthattellsmeIcausedthewound.

"Yes,"sheanswers."AndnowIknowyouhardlyevertalk,andwhenyoudoyoualwaysspeakreallyquietly,almostlikeyou'reafraidotherpeoplewilloverhear."

Iswallowinresponsetoherwords.Shemakesmefeelnakedandunarmed,likeIhavenowallstohidebehind.Shestaresatmelikeshecanseestraightthroughmeanditisunnerving.Ishiftslightlyinmyseat,crossingmyarmsovermychest.Asifshecansensemyunease,sheavertshereyes,staringinsteadatthefloor.

WhenIlookatherIfeellikeIamendlesslyfalling.

"Iknowyou'rescared,"shesaysquietly."I'mscaredtoo."

"Idon'twantyoutobescared,"Ireplytruthfully.She'sright,I'mscared.She'swrong,I'mterrified.

IamquicklylosingmygrasponcontrolinwaysIdon'tunderstand.

"Comeherethen,"sherequestslikeanultimatum.Shebringsuphereyestowardmine.Theyflashastheydaremetodefyher.

WebothknowIcan't.Notanymore.

Itakealargebreathofsomewhatdilutedairbeforestanding.Hereyesfollowmymovements.Iamdeliberatelyslow,bothtopreventoverwhelmingherandtopreventoverwhelmingme.Isitbesideheronthecouch,uncomfortableandrigid.SheturnstomeandItrytoignoreit.Onceagain,Ifail.

Itakequick,shallowbreathssimilartotheonestakenbyahyperventilatingperson.

"Calmdown,"shesays,andherhandisonmyshoulderlikesheisn'tafraidofanythingatall.Theheatemanatingfromherpalmfeelslikeitsburningme,onlyinthemostdeliciouswaypossible.ShescootsclosertomeonthecouchandIdon'tstopher.Shemovesslowlyasifsheisafraidoffrighteningmeaway.Iturntowardherandshesmiles,thoughIcanseethatshewantssomething.Herhandsmoveacrossmychest.Iwatchthem.

"Thisiswhatscaresme,"shewhispers,andtheVolturirobesspreadbeneathherfingers.Iaidherasshepullsthethickfabricoff.Itlandsinaheaponthefloor;adull,echoingthud.Beneatharemyhumanclothes:aworn,threadbarebutton-downshirtandjeans.Idon'tchangetheseoftengiventhattheyarealwayscoveredentirelybytherobes."NowI'mnotasscared."

"Idon't–"Ibegintosay,thoughshecutsmeoffwithafingertoherlips.Atwhatpointshebegantohavecompletepoweroverme,Icannotpinpointexactly.AllIknowisthatIwilldowhatshewants,whatsheneeds.

Herfingersareatthecollarofmyshirt,onlybrieflyandbarelytouchingmyskin.Ihavelongsincestoppedbreathing.Iwatchherwithapeculiarmixbetweenrelaxationandstress,fightingtokeepcontrolwhilesimultaneouslyrevelinginthesensationofherskinonmyskin.

"Staystill,"shesays,andbeforeIknowitthreeofthebuttonsareunbuttoned.Iinhalesharplyasherpalmfindsthebareskinofmychest.Ipayforthatinhale.Theairisasweetmixtureofherscent,sweat,andblood.Somewhereawayfromthisfabricatedreality,theGuardisfeeding.

Ibackupthreestepsandholdupmyhand.

StopbeforeIhurtyou.Idon'twanttohurtyou.

Shelooksshockedanddisappointed.Herhandslaylimpathersidesandshestaresatmewithemptyeyes.Iwouldapologize,butIcan'triskanotherinhale.ShemustthinkIamrejectingher,thoughIamdoinganythingbut.Herlowerliptremblesbutshedoesnotcry.Instead,shesquareshershouldersandtakesthreesmallssteps,closingthegapbetweenus.Sheplacesherhandinmyraisedoneandpresseslightly,attemptingtomakemelowerit.Iallowit.

Tentatively,herfingersstrokewiderarcsalongmyskin.Idon'tdarebreathe.

Theyrunalongthetopofmychestandupmyneckandalongmyjawandundermyeyes.Iwatchheruntilmyeyesdriftclothes,andherfingersskirtalongmyuppereyelidsanddownmynose.Theyhesitateslightlybeforemylips,andthentheyaretherewithonlysensitive,lightpressure.Myeyesopenagainandsheismuchclosertome,herfingersstillbarelypressedagainstmylips.Shelooksatmewithherlipspartedslightly,andIbrieflywonderwhatitwouldbeliketotouchthemwithmyfingers,withmylips.

"Edward,"shewhisperswiththisheadysortofbreath.Istillherhandswithoneofmyownanddrawthemdownbetweenus.Myotherhandrunsuphernecktowardhertemple.Ifeeltheheartbeat,butmostlytheoverwhelmingwarmththatseemstoemanatefromeverypartofher.Ifeelgentlepressureonmyotherhand,thoughwhenIlookdownIrealizethatsheisgraspingitsohardthatherknuckleshaveturnedwhite.Irunmyfingersthroughherlonghair,mymovementsawkwardandstiltedfromconfusionsurroundingbeingputtothisuse."Howlonghasitbeen?"sheaskssoftly.Iwatchherlipsmove.

"Never.It'sneverbeen,"Iadmit,andthelastofmyairisgone.

"Meneither.It'sokay.It'llallbeokay."

ShemovesinawayIdon'texpect,thoughshouldhaveexpected.Herlipspressagainstmineonlybarely,thoughtheshockofheatissosurprisinglyandconsumingthatIstartlebackwards,pushingheraway.

"It'llbeokay,"sherepeats,determinednow.Shestepsforwardand,inmyintenttobackup,Irealizethatmybackisflushagainstthewall.Shemovesquickly,wrappingherarmsaroundmyneckandkissingmeagain.Itisrecklessbravery,andviolent,unearnedaffectionthatIcannotreciprocate.Iamfrozenunderthesensations,tooeasilyoverwhelmedforthistobereal,tobesafe.Ithenfeelhertongueandloseallcontrol.

Igraspherhipstooharshly,toostrongly.Shegaspsandsurrenderstomymovements.Mylipsmoveagainsthersruthlesslyuntilshecriesout.Thecrybrings

mebacktoreality.Sheisprey.Sheisvictim.Sheisfood.Iimmediatelydropherandpullmyselfintoacrouch,growling.

"Edward,Iknowyou'reinthere.Comebacktome."Hervoiceissweetandcalm.Sheisconfidentinherwords.

Mygrowls,somewheredeepinmychest,havelessened.Istillfeelheadywithlustandbloodlust,thoughthehazearoundmymindissomewhatclearerthanmomentsprior.

"There.Good.Staywithme,"shesayssoftly.

Iwatchasshemovestherobesshewearsaside,rubbingabsentlyatherhip.Theskinthereisred,bruising.Again,Iamonlyabletocauseharm.

Disgustedanddistraught,Iflee.

Iracethroughtheconfinesoftheunderground,blowingpasttheremainingmealofmycomrades.Theyglanceupatmyabruptdeparture,thoughseemtothinknothingofit.Iamhardlyacauseforconcerninthisplace,fornooneknowsmewellenoughtotellwhensomethingisoff.WhenIreachthesurfaceofVolterraIrealizeitisstillglaringlybrightoutside.Iskirtalongtheshadows,jumpingthroughlightfasterthanvisibletothehumaneye.Ihijackafastcarparkedalongthesideoftheroad,slidingintoitandleavingthecity.

Idon'tknowwhereI'mgoing,butI'mgoingsofastthatthespeedometeristwitchingandthegaspedalistouchingthefloor.Myhandsencasethesteeringwheel.Theygriptootightlyandtheplasticsuccumbstothem,crunchinginward.Frustrated,Ipullofftothesideoftheroad.

Iaminanewcitynow.ItistheonejustborderingVolterra.Ihavebeenherebefore,butnotoftenenoughtoconsideritfrequent.ThedooracrossfrommeadvertisesabookstoreinItalian,itspaintchippingandwearingthin.Iduckintothedoorwayinordertofindescapefromthesun.Therearefewpeopleinside,thoughthefewthatarestareatmewithacombinationoffearandconfusion.Iduckmyheaddowninordertoshieldmyredeyes,thoughtheVolturirobesstilllookstrangeandforeigntothem.

SheaskedmetostaywithherandIleft.Icouldn'tstaywithher.Iwouldhavekilledher.

Ifindasecludedplaceinthebackofthebookstore.Ipickupabookofnoimportanceandpretendtobeoccupiedbeforeanywanderingeyes.Therearenone,

andIspendtoolongbackhere,wallowing.IfCarlislecouldseemenowhewouldbeashamed.Icannotevenfacemyproblems,nonethelesssolvethem.IwonderifheisseeingthisduetoAlice'svisions.Ibeginfeelangryovertheintensebreachofprivacy,thoughcalmdownwhenIremindmyselfofmyowngift.Ifanythingisanabuseofprivacy,readingsomeone'sthoughtsmusttakethecake.

IbegintoflipthroughthepagesofthebookwhenIrealizesomeonehasbeenwatchingme.

Whoisthat?Certainly,I'veneverseenhimbefore.PerhapsIcanmakeanewcustomer

IquicklytranslateherthoughtsfromItaliantoEnglish.Shebeginstowalktowardmewithwonderanddetermination.Ipretendnottonoticeherapproachandcontinuetothumbthroughthebook.Idon'tknowwhyIamplayingthisgame.Thereisnopointformeto.ShewillaskwhyIamhere,IwilltellherIambrowsing,andshewillwalkaway.Thatisallthatwilloccur.Yet,Iamplayingalong,pretendingtobehumanforher.Wherethesechangesarecomingfrom,Iamnotcompletelysure.

"Areyoulookingtopurchase?"sheasksinrapidItalian.Ilookup,pretendingtobestartledbyherarrival.ThatiswhenIknowshewon'tmakeitoutofthisbookstorealive.

Shelooksexactlylikeher.Shedoesn'tsmelllikeher,no.Butshelookssomuchlikeherthatitwillbeimpossibleformetohaverestraint.Herhairisalong,darkbrown.Herskinispale.Hereyesarewideanddoe-like.Buttheyaren'tempty.No,therearethoughtsbehindthoseeyes.AsIstareathershebeginstowonderwhyIhavenotspoken.ShewondersifI'mcrazy.And,lastly,shewondersifIamgoingtokillher.

Iam.

Ilureheroutsidewithsweetwords.Sheonlyrespondstothembecauseshebelievesthatifshecooperates,Iwillspareher.Myeyesaretooredtosalvagemyhumanity.

WhenIbiteher,Iamdisappointed.

SheisapoorsubstituteforallIwantbutcan'thave.

Ikillherquickly.Thereisnoneedtoprolongthismoment.Sheisjustanothertallyonmyrecord,sotospeak.Sheislifelessnow.Icarryhertotheoutskirtsofthecityanddigaholewithmyhands.Weareinthemiddleofalarge,emptyfield.Thegrasswhispersagainstmylegs,swayingslightlyinthebreezeasIdigscarsintheearth.I

filltheholeoverherbodywiththedisplaceddirt.Iamquickandefficient,andoncetheholeisfilledentirely,Iputafloweronhergrave.

IreturntoVolterraasthesunsets.Thereislittletrafficonthisroad,thisroadthatseemstostretchtoinfinity.Mycellphonebuzzesinmypocket,angryagainstmyjeans.IamalmostpositivethatitisCarlisle,partiallybecauseofwhatI'vedone,andpartiallybecauseDemetriistheonlyotherpersonwithmynumber.Iignoreitsrings,thoughhecallsbacktwomoretimes.Iambeginningtogrowannoyed,andfinallyansweritifonlytostoptheringing.

BeforeIhavethechancetogreetCarlisle,hespeaks.

"Janeisinyourroom."

MyeyeswidenandIsnapthephoneshut.Ibreakintoafullsprint,mymuscleswelcomingthisintensereleaseofenergy.Idon'tunderstandhowsheisinthere.SheisbreakingAro'sdirectorders.Ireachtheoutskirtsofthecityandblowthroughit,cloakedbythedarknessofthenight.ThoughIamrunningformereminutesitfeelslikehours.Whatifshe'sdead?WhatifJane'skilledher?ThereisnothingthatwouldpreventJanefromdoingso.Astrongsinkingfeelinginmychestpropelsmeonward,deeperintothecavernouspitsoftheGuard.

Again,noonestopsmyadvancetowardmyroom.DemetriissurprisedthatIamback,though.WhenIleftearlierhehadassumedthatIwouldn'tbecomingback.ThatassumptionissomethingIcannolongerfathom.

ThedoorfliesopenandJaneisperchedonthecouch,Isabellaontheoppositeend.Sheiscurledupbeneathherrobesandseemssurprisedbymysudden,flamboyantentrance.WhileJanedoesn'tshowanyemotionitisclearthatshedidn'texpectmetoarrivesosoon.Herthoughtsscreamthwarted.PerhapsIwilloweAlicesomethanksafterall.

"Oh,Edward.BellaandIwerejusttalkingabouthowherboyfriend'sfavoritethingtodoisshootrifles,"Janesmilespleasantly,talkingaloudonlyforIsabella'sbenefit.ItisstrangetohearhercalledBella.ItoccurstomethatIhaveneveraskedhername.Ihaveonlyhearditinthethoughtsandvoicesofothers.

"He'snotmyboyfriend,"shemumbles,thoughitisloudandclearforJaneandme.

"You'renotsupposedtobeinhere,"Isnap."Getout."

BothIsabellaandJanelookatmewithasmallamountofsurprise;JanebecauseIamusuallydocileinherpresence,andIcannottellIsabella'scause.Frustration

leaksintomythoughtsbutIpushitback.TherearemoreimportantthingsthanhearingIsabella'sthoughts.

"Sofeisty,"Janesaysshakily,laughingawkwardlyintothesilentroom.Itsoundsdullandflat,andthenoiseisquicklyswallowedbythetensionandquiet.Thewallsseemtoreverberatewithmyanger.Itisapulsatingsensationthatpushesmedeeperintomycrouch,preparingtolunge.

"Arogavespecificorders."

"DoyouthinkAroscaresme,Edward?IaminfinitelymorepowerfulthanAro.Icanprovethattoyourightnow."Hereyesflash,visiblythreatened.Isabella'seyesdartbackandforthbetweenthetwoofus.Ionlybrieflyglanceather,ensuringhersafety.AtthismomentJaneneedsmyfullattention.Shestandsupandfacesme,smirkingslightly.Ihavepausedforaninappropriateamountoftimeandshenowbelievesthatshehastheupperhand.

"Youneedtoleave,"Isayslowly.

"Areyouthreateningme?"Janeasksinnocently,hereyeswidewithamusement.Mylipspullbackovermyteethandagrowlslightly.Icannotfigureoutawayoutofthis.WithherdeliberatelybreakingAro'srequest,thereisnootherlineofdefensebetweentheGuardandIsabella.

Beforeshecandropintoadefensivecrouch,Ilunge.

Butstill,Iamnotfastenough.

Momentsbeforemyfingersgraspthehemofherrobesintheintenttothrowheraside,shehasforcedmetotheground,convulsing.Itissopainfulthatmyeyesareclenchedshutasiftowardsomeofitoff.Itdoesn'twork.Ifeelhothandsonmyskinandscreams,screams.Iclenchmybodyintothefetalpositiongraspingatanythingtomakethepainstop.Itcouldhavebeenmoments,itcouldhavebeendecades;eitherway,itfinallystops.

Igaspaninhaleandthereisanew,lesserpain.ItistheoneIcanplace.ItisIsabella'sscent.

Sheisveryclosetomenow,bothofherhandsonmyshoulder.Iblinkandlookupather,vulnerablefrommypositiononthefloor.Janetowersabovethebothofuswithherheadcockedtotheside.

Interesting...

Andthensheisgone,outofmyrange.

Ipushmyselfupandawayfromhertouch.SheseemshurtandIdon'tknowwhattosay.Iclosethedoorsoundlyandlockit.

"Youcan'tletanyoneinhere,"IscoldhereventhoughIknowshecouldnotpossiblyholdanyvampireout.IamplacingblameonherwhenIcanbetheonlyoneheldaccountable.

"I'msorry,"shesays,thoughsheshouldn'tbe.Itwasmyfault.Ishouldn'thaveleft.

Shesitsbackdownonthecouch,hereyesdrooping.Itmustbelatenow,toolateforahumantobeawake.

"Sleep,"Iattempttopersuade.Sherollstothesideonthecouch,curlingherlegsuptoherchest.Shewatchesmepaceinfrontofherinworryandfrustration.InolongerhaveanycontrolandIcan'thandleit.

"You'remakingmeanxious,"shesayssoftly.

Itakethehintandsitacrossfromherontheflooroftheroom.Sheisstillwatchingme.Iavertmyeyes,feelingbothuncomfortableandembarrassed.Afterawhileshefallsasleep,herheadrestingonherpalmlikethewayhumansfallasleepinmovies.Shebreathesdeeplyandherfacesoftens.

Idon'tleavetheroomtheentirenight.

Whenshewakesthenextmorningsheseemsstartledtofindmeinthesameposition.Igrimaceinabitofembarrassmentatthatfact,feelinglikeacommonpervert.Shedoesn'tsayanything.Instead,shepicksattherestofherfoodabsently.SomehowIwillhavetopickherupmorefood.Somehow,sometime,Iwillhavetoleaveherinthisroomunguarded.Thefactfrightensme.

"Edward?"shesayssuddenly,"CanIaskyousomething?"

"Yes,"Ianswerimmediatelyonlytorealizetherepercussionsafterward.

Whatifsheasksmetotakeheraway?Whatifsheasksmetotakeherhome?Whatifshewantstoleavemeforever?Whatifshewantsnothingtodowithme?

MythoughtsraceinaninsecureandjuvenilefashionasIwaitforhertospeak.Thoughwhenshedoes,Ionlyfeelashamed.

"DoyouhaveaphonethatIcouldusetocallmydad?TotellhimI'mokayisall."

Shefidgetsassheawaitsmyanswer,herfingersintertwiningasshestaresatthemintently.

"Ofcourse.Isabella,I'msorry,"Irespond,apologizingformuchmorethanwithholdingthephone.Sheseemstopickuponthisandnodsslightly.Whenshelooksup,hersmileiswatery.

"It'sjustBella."

Ihandherthephoneandallowherfakeprivacy.Steppingoutintothehallway,Iclosethedoorbehindme.Ihearherdialthephoneandherincreasedheartrateassheawaitsherfather'sanswer.Attheveryend,hefinallydoes.

"Dad?"

It'stoohardtoheartheotherendoftheconversation,thoughthebuzzsoundsloudanddistraught.

"No...I'mfine.Dad,Ipromise.Please...no!Don'tcalltherestofthesquad.Youalreadydid?TellthemI'mokay."

Thereismorebuzzingontheotherendoftheline,evenlouderthanbefore.

"I'llseeyousoon.Dad,Ihavetoleavenow...yes,Ipromise.Imissyoutoo...Iloveyou,Dad.Don'tgetintoomuchtroublewithoutme."

WhenIamsurethatshehashungupthephone,Iquietlyopenthedoorandjoinheragain.Sheislookingatthefloorwithherhandsinherlap,clutchingthephone.Shelooksupwhenshehearsme.Herfaceisblank,andbeforeIknowitsheishandingmethecell.

"Thankyou,"shesays,"Hewasgettingprettyworried."

Sheisstrugglingtoactnonchalantandithurtsme.

"Ifyouneedtousethephoneagain,um,justletmeknow,"Imanage,returningthephonebacktomypocket.Shenodsinresponseandlooksbackatthefloor.

Idon'tknowwhattodonow,lostinalimbobetweenrightandwrong.

AfewminuteslaterIhearfootstepswalkingtowardmyroom.ItisDemetri,andheknowsbetterthantowalkinside.

Aroneedsyouforatrial,Ihearfromhisthoughtsoutsidethedoor.Hewalksaway

quickly.IassumeheisangrywithmeandIunderstandwhy.

BellaisstillsittingonthecouchandIhavetoleavetheroom.Myfingersflexinindecision.Ican'tdefyAro,butIcan'tleaveBellaalone.IrunoutsideandcatchDemetrithemomentbeforeheleavesthehallway.Heswivelsaroundandfacesmewithoneeyebrowquirked.

"Canyoudomeafavor?"Iask.

Hehesitatesforamoment,thennods.

"Juststandoutsidethedoortomyroom.IpromiseI'llexplainlater,"Ispeakinarush."Anddon'tletanyonein.Thatisimportant.Thatisvital."IgetthelastofmywordsoffbeforeIracetothegreatroom.Iexpeltheairinmychestwitharush,gatheringmyselfbeforeopeningthedoubledoorsandentering.

Therearethreevampiresawaitingtrial,allheldinsubmissivepositions,awaitingdecisions.

"Edward!Welcome,"Arocalls,beckoningmeoverwithhishand.Ibegintowalkbuthestopsmewithhisvoice."Oh,wait!BringBella."

Shit.

ItalicizedquotesbelongtoShakespeare'sRomeoandJuliet.

Thankstorevragforthereadandbeta.

Youcanalsoreadthisatwww(dot)adifferentforest(dot)com.

butifihadtoperishtwice

Buteventually,thesunrisesaftertwilight.Donotdoubtthatitalsorises.

Doubtthestarsarefire,Doubtthatthesondothmove,Doubttruthtobealiar,ButneverdoubtIlove.

OdearOphelia,Iamillatthesenumbers.

Andthenthedaybeginsanew,onlyslightlydifferentthanthelast.Feelingsofchangepermeateus,surroundus,encloseusinitsthreateninggrasplikewearebutmoldinitsstronghands.Wefallbeneathitspressures,sinkingintosaggingearthliketheabsentdewlapsofmyfeatures.Whyisitthatonesinksfasterthantheother?Whyisitthatthereisimpossibilityinstayingeven,stayingsane?

Fingersintertwined,Ireachforyou;mylight,myhope.Butthereistoomuchspacebetweenus,toomuchdistancethatIsomehowcannotbreach.

"Iwillwaitforyou,"yousay,likeapromiseimpossibletokeep.Butyoucannotwait;youwillnotwait;youshouldnotwait,forIamstone.Dayafterday,newlightafternewlight,thereareonlysmallerosionsinmysolid,sheercliffs.Theybreakofflikelittlefragmentsofmemoriesonceheld,oncesaved.Igatherthemlikelittlepebblesdriftingaroundmypalm.Piecesofyou.

Asthedayspassandthelightbringsthesame,ever-presentsun,thedistancebetweenusincreases.Iwantyoutowaitforme;Iwantyoutoleavemebehind.

HowIhaveunderminedmyfallfromgrace!

Ihavenotfallen;Iamstuckinmindless,stonyabyss.Iameverlastingasamountain,stoicasthestreamrushesthrough,constantlymoving.Thefeelingsinmyfingersandtoesinsistonrebellion,insistonchange,butmymoldistoostrong,myafflictiontoogreat.Nothingcanbedonetoholdyouwithme,tokeepyouwithme.

Iamthecoastlineandyouaretheocean,constantlypulledbythetwilight'smoon.

#

Iturnaroundwithtrepidation.Myeyesseemtobeburningintheirsockets,myheartburninginmychest.Inaway,itfeelslikeIamchangingagain;burningallover.Thismustbeaseconddeath,athird,fourth,fifth.Ifeelitallthewaytomyfingertips,

achingandclawingasthepaintriestoescapemyskin.Icometorealizethatitisn'ttheburningthatisscaringmethemost,itisthefactthatIcan'tfeelit.ApeculiarnumbnessisreplacingtheincessantburnandIfeelcompletelydetached,hoveringovermybodyasawritheonthefloor.Janesmilesinpeculiarrestraint,hereyestrainedonmeassheawaitsanotherorderfromAro.

Aroisannoyed.Hewatchesmyformwithhislipspursed.Hedoesn'tknowwhyIdidnotimmediatelyaffirmhisrequesttobringBella.Idon'tknow,either.ItislikeallofmeshutsdownandIamnolongerabletomove,tothink.Iknowthisistheend,ourtimetogethersoshortthatit'sonlyaminusculefiberinthetatteredquiltthatismylife.IwonderwhatIcouldhavedonetopreventedthis,andquicklydecidethereisnothing.Myentireexistenceisacursedone.Ithurtseveryoneittouches,includingBella.Iimagineherwaitinginsidemyroom,completelyunawarethatsheisgoingtodiesoon.

Atleastbefore,withme,sheknewshewasgoingtodie.Perhapsshehadevenacceptedthis.Butnowshehastogothroughitallagain,thoughthistimewiththerugsweptcompletelybeneathherfeet.Janestillsmilesatme,bloodredlipsquirkedupwardinsatisfactionandperversearousal.Ithenrealize,inmystrangedetachmentfromself,thatDemetriisalsointheroom.Heonlystaresatme,hisfaceblank.IfDemetrihasjoinedus,whoisprotectingBella?

Noone,forBellaisstandingrightnexttoDemetri,staringatmewithhereyeswideandscreaming,screaming.IsthissometorturoushellthatImustwithstand?Isallofthisjustsomepurgatory,andIactuallydiedin1918?HaveIfinally,finallyreachedtheendofmysentence,leavingmortalbodyonthegroundandelevatingtointangibleself?No,ofcoursenot.ForthemomentArowaveshishand,JanebreaksherstareandIthunderbackintomystoneskin,mystonesurroundings.Itwitchonce,mymusclesadjusting,beforepushingmyselfintoasittingposition.

"Thisiswhathappenswhenyousimplycannotfollowmyorders.Youdon'tlikethat,doyou,Edward?"Arosighs,pinchingthebridgeofhisnose.Caiusisgrinninginglee;heenjoyswatchingpainalmostasmuchasheenjoysgivingit.HepetsJaneonthehead,hispalmencasingherflaxenblondehairalmostentirely.Shepurrsathistouch,tiltingherfacetogivehimmoreaccess.Iwatchthecaressforafewmoments,staringwithanalmostconfusedwonder.Howisitthatbeingssodeadcangiveandreceivesuchaffection?Idon'tunderstand.

Itislikewatchingcorpseskiss.

Thethreevampiresthatareactuallyontrialstillkneelintheirpositions,thoughtheywatchuswithamazementatJane'spower.TheybelievethatIhavecreateda

suitablediversion,andperhapstheywillbefreed.Ialmostchuckleatthisconcept,forAro'sburningplansarealmostcompletelyfinalized.Ofcourse,hewantstodealwithmefirst.

"Edward,wouldyoucomehere?Youaremakingmetired.Ifeeltired,"Arorequests,thoughitisimpossibleforustofeeltired."BecauseyouchosenottoleavetheGuard,youdohavetodowhatIsay.Youknowthis,don'tyou?Ofcourse,Ionlyhaveyourbestinterestsatheart."Arocontinuestospeak,thoughitisimpossibleforustohaveaheart.

"Iunderstand,"Isayquietly,movingtomyplacebesidehim.IcarefullyandquicklymovemyeyestoBella,whostandspartiallyobscuredbehindDemetri.ItalmostseemsasifArohasforgottenabouther,thoughIamsurehehasbiggerplansthanIexpect.Shestaresbackatme,hereyeswideandquestioning.Igrimacequickly,wishingmorethananythingthatIcouldjustgetheroutofhere.Ofcourse,thereisnothingIcandobutstandhereandawaitmyfate.

Ifsomethinghappens,I'llpullheroutintoVolterraandmaskherlocation.

ItisDemetri.Hestaresatme,astonygaze.Inodmyheadinexchangeforthankinghimprofusely,whichIwillsurelydolater.Henodsbackquickly–tooquicklyforthevampiresthataredistractedbythetrial.Iavertmygazeastonotcreatemoresuspicion,movingallfocustothetrial.But,almostimmediately,mymindbeginstowander.IfDemetriweretomaskherlocation,wouldIeverseeheragain?Wouldsherememberme?Wouldshecare?HowdoIrequesthercare,howdoIrequestherreciprocationofmyfeelings?HowdoIrequestthiswhenevenIdon'tunderstandmyfeelings?

Thethreevampiresarenowcenterstage.Theymovearoundeachother,preparingtofight.Idon'tevenrememberhearingthesentence,butitisclearthataduelwasordered.Thevampires,namedAllison,Qiddist,andKatrina,werefightinginpublic.Inordertosolvetheproblem–whichwasclearlydeemedunsolvablebyAro–thethreewouldfighthere,andthesurvivorwouldbeallowedtolive.MyeyessearchforBellaagain.Idon'tknowhowthevampireswillrestraintheirattractiontoherblood,especiallywhentheyarefighting.ItthenoccurstomethatallvampiresoutsidetheVolturiconstantlylivewiththepresenceofblood.Theyareabletopushittothebackoftheirbrainsandfocusonthetaskathand.

Andthetaskathandis,currently,killingeachother.QiddistsnarlsatKatrina,herdark,almostblackeyesflashingasshedropsintoacrouch.Katrinagrowlsinresponse,whichleavesAllisonplottingbehindtheirbacks,planningonpickingofftheoneleftbetweentheirquarrels.QiddistisabouttolaunchherselfatKatrina,but

sheissuddenlystoppedbyAro.

"Hold!"hecallsout,freezingthespar."Food'shere."

ItisthenthatIrealizetheexponentialincreaseofthewetsoundsofbeatinghearts.Bella'seyesdartbackandforthbetweenmeandthedoorwaytothegreatroom.ThereisnothingIcandobutwaitthisout.Iwillnotbepermittedtoleavetheroom,norwillBella.

Asthegroupfilesinitiscleartherearenodiversionspossible.AllofthehumansarenotnativetoVolterra,thereforeavailabletotheVolturi.Thegroupisofapproximatelytwentyadults,primarilyovertheageoftwentyfive.But,intheback,atoddlerfollowshismother,hispudgyarmsclutchingthetailsofhershirt.Hiseyesarewideandfrightened,andIwatchasBellaimmediatelyspotshiminthecrowd.Shetakesasmallstepforwardbut,thankfully,Demetripullsherback.

Demetriwatchesoneparticularhumanwiththirst.Hisattentionisfrayed–Bellaisnolongerintheforefrontofhismind.IfindmyselfinchingalongthewalltoBellaandDemetri.Arohasn'tyetnoticedthatIhavelefthisside,andmostlikelywon'tnoticeuntilheisdonefeeding.Perhapswecanslipoutwhentheybegin.Iswallowandpreparetoholdmybreath,takingonelastdeepinhalebeforeanyofthebloodspills.

Watchingthevampiresstepcasuallyclosertotheirpreyislikewatchingwolvesdescendonanalreadyinjuredcritter.Theyscurryaboutmindlessly,thoughthegroupofhumansunconsciouslymovescloserandclosertogether,becomingmorecompacted.Aro,Caius,andMarcusalwaysgetfirstpick.Theystepawayfromtheirthronesandslowlywalkforward,theirshoesbarelytappingagainstthestonefloor.IreachBella,steppinginfrontofherandreachingbackwards,wrappingmyarmstightaroundherwrists.Ibegintomoveusfromtheroom,slowlyandhesitantly.WithonlyonesmallstumblefromBella,wealmostmakeitout.

Butwedon't.

"Hold!"ArocallsagainandtheentireGuardceasestomove.Caiusgrumblesinannoyance,hisfacesetinadeepfrown.Aroswivelsandfacesuslikehewasawareofourmovementstheentiretime.Hell,heprobablywas.Hesmilesatme.Itisaverysmallsmilethattellsmeheknowsinfinitelymorethanhepreviouslyleton,andheisabouttoinformmeofit."IheardsomeinformationfromareliablesourcethatBellaherewantstobeavampire."

Immediately,myeyesdarttoJane's.SheisgrinninglikeaCheshirecat.Iwanttokillher.

But...wait,what?

Inadecidedlystupidmove,IturnmybacktotheGuardandfaceBella,myeyebrowraisedinquestion.

"Itwasjustathought.Justathought,"shewhispershastily.Onevampireinthefarcorneroftheroomsnickers,thougheveryoneelseissilent.Eventhehumanspickuponthenotionthatthismomentistoofragiletobetamperedwith.

"Youdon'tknowwhatyou'reasking..."Ireplyharshly,myvoicemutedandsharp.

"Exactly!"Arointerruptsourconversation,fabricatedprivacyasitwas."ThatiswhyweshouldshowBellaherewhatittrulymeanstobeavampire."

"Aro..."Ibeginafoolishreprimand,whichonlyspurshimon.

"Firstoff,"Arosmiles,andthenrollshiseyes,"Thosethreearegettingonmynerves.So,Edward,outwithit.Whoshoulddie?Iammuchtoooldandmuchtooesteemedtobedealingwiththesepettyissuesofbetrayals."

Iquicklyscantheirminds.Idon'tevennoticewhattheoriginalargumentwas,onlythatQiddistwastheonlyonetotrulyshowherselftoahuman,thusendangeringoursecrecy.Ofcourse,shekilledthehumanafterward,butIcouldtellthatCaiuswantedblood.WithCaiusplacated,IhaveabetterchanceofgettingBellaoutofherealive,andmeintact.

"Thatone,"Ireplyalmostbegrudgingly,inawaythatplaystowardwhatCaiuswantstohear.Heglancestowardsme,thenleansforwardinhisseatinexcitement.Thisishisfavoritepart:theshockwhenthevampirerealizesIcanreaditsmind.Qiddistglaresatme,hereyeswidewithasortofemptyfury.Sheisn'tgoingtoattackmeasothershave.Iknowthisbecausethereisanunderlyingsadnessinherstance.Iwonderifshecameheresimplytodie.

WhenIpointQiddistoutBellaletsoutasmallgaspfrombehindme.What,didshethinkmenotabletosentencemypeerstodeath?DidshethinkIwouldgiveherafairtrial,somesortofhumanjury?No.Thisismyrealm,andinmyrealmmineandAro'sfingersareequivalenttothetouchofdeath.ThoughIamnottheonedoingthekilling,essentiallyIam.

IpullBellafartherbehindmybackastheGuarddescends.IknowthattheywillquicklylosecontroloncetheligamentsofQiddistbegintotearfromherbody.Icanfeelitinmybones.IrealizethenthatArohasplannedthis.Hedoesn'twanttheGuardtoexhibitapolite,cordial—dareIsay,human?—feedinfrontofIsabella.No,

hewantshertoseethecarnalnatureofvampires.Hewantsthemtolosecontrolinfrontofher.Allinall,hewantstoscareher.InfocusingallofmyattentionsinplacatingCaius'sbloodlust,Ifailedtorecognizethemostpowerfulmanipulatorinthisroom:Aro.

Skintearsandbonesbreakunderthepowerfulhandsofstonyflesh.ThesearesoundsIamusedto,thoughBellacringesintomybacklikesomehelplesspuppytrappedinastorm.Igiveuponprotectingher.ThereisnothingIcandonow.Ican'tleave.I'mnotahero.Myvaliantescapeisnone.Slowlytheydie,onebyonefallingtothefloorinamassgraveofpale,blood-lessfaces.Thesepicturesareburnedintomymindtimeandtimeagain.Ifeelnoshame,anger,bloodlust.Thelattersurprisesme.Bella'sbloodissodeeplyingrainedintomysensesthatIfeelnobloodlusteventowardsotherhumans.Itissadbuttrue.

WhatwouldshesayifIweretotasteone?Wouldsheactdifferentlyaroundme?ThatiswhatIwant,afterall.IwanthertoseemeforwhoItrulyam.ThenshewillrunandIwillbepacingthestonefloorsofmyroomalone,likeIdeserve.Maybeifsherunsshewillgetoutalive.Afterall,IthinkIhaveMarcusonmyside.Forsomereason,thatdecrepitvampirelikesme.IoftenfeelasIamdisappointinghiminthesamewayIdisappointCarlisle.Failureafterfailure.

Amaniscrawlingtowardme,allpalefeaturesandwideeyes.

"Savior,savior,"hecallstome,"savior,savior!"

"Savehim,savehim!"Bellacallstome,"savehim,savehim!"

Iignorethebothofthem.Hecrawls—expressionvacant,eyesglassy,hairthinning,clothesfrayed.Heweepsforsomeone:hiswife,hisdaughter,doesitmatter?Ican'tsavehim,itdoesn'tmatter.Demetriendsupkillinghimonthespot.Hemakesithalfastone,ifthat.Arocackles,laughterreachingoutwardlikebranches,breakingoffofthestone,shattering,crashing.IttakesmeremomentsforBellatofallonthestonefloor.

"Blood,"shesays,"it'stheblood."

Ifsheweretodienow,wouldIbesad?No.Maybe.Probablynot.

Herheadcracksonthestone.Crackslikeabathittingabaseballintothecoolnightair.

Vampiresdescend—wolves,hungrywolves.Ibatthemaway.Shoo,pest.Begone,pest.Theytauntme,circleme.TheywantwhatIhave.Theywantit,theywantit.

Bellalayslimplybeneathme.Mythoughtsarejumbledinmyhead,thestreamofconsciousnessrunawry.Myfootbrushesagainstherstomach.Ifeelthepulse,Ismelltheblood.Noonecanhaveher,Ithink,Iscream.

"Sheisnotyours,Edward.Sheisours,Edward.Sheisours.Ours."Aro'sfingerslink.Janeissmiling,stalkingtowardsme.CaiusismurmuringsomethingtoMarcus.Theyareplottingsomething.Idon'tknowwhatitis,butIdon'tlikeit.Thousandsofthoughtsrunamuck,minglingwiththethoughtsofthepredatorsslowlyclosingin.Theywanther.Theythinkherbloodissweet,likeIthinkherbloodissweet.Itburnsthebackofmytongue.Iwillkillheriftheydon'tkillher,andifIwillkillher,whyletthemhaveher?Sheismine.

"Sheisnotyours."Aro.

Ipullherintomyarmsandwemovedownthehall.Iamnotrunning.Theywon'tfollow.Iknowtheywon'tfollow.Afterall,itwasstaged.Theywerenevergoingtotouchher.ArowaswaitingtoseehowlongtheycouldpushmebeforeIfled.

Unsurprisingly,Ifailedthetest.

Bella'sheadbleedsonthecouch.Ishouldprobablycoveritup,butthereissomethingcatharticinwatchingthebloodoozeandstainthecushionslikeaslow-movingtide.IwonderatwhatpointIslippedfrommymeasuredrealityintothisabyssofblackandgrey.Shedoesn'twakeupforsometime.Probablybloodloss,possiblynot.InodoffintheonlywaythatIcan;Imakemymindblank.Istareattheceiling,constantlymemorizingandre-memorizingthesmallestflecksinitsdesign.

IconsideredmovingtoSpainonce.

Theirhistoryisthebest,alltorturedevicesandreligiouspersecutionsandwhatnot.Ialwaysfigureitsortoffascinatingwhenpeople—humans—believethemselvestobeholy.Whynotvampires?Afterall,wearetheonesthatwerebornfromthedead.Iwasresurrected.Icanbeholy,right?Sure,I'vecertainlynullifiedthewhole"thoushaltnotsin"aspectofreligion,butIcanpartakeintheotherstuff,right?I'djusthavetogotoconfessioneveryweekandsay,"Oh,Ikilledaman.Oh,Ikilledanotherman.Oh,andanother."

Butit'sokaybecauseI'llbepardoned,right?Icanjustworkitoffinpurgatorylikeeveryoneelse,right?Igetthatchancetoo,right?

Bellawakesup.ItellherIwantedtomovetoSpainonce.Shestaresatme,herheadquirkedtotheside.Shedoesn'taskmeanyquestionsonwhyIwanttomovetoSpain,eventhoughIamcompletelyreadytospillallofmyreligiousinsecurities.It

isforthebest,Isuppose,forshereachesherhandtoherheadandfeelstheblood.SheasksforbandagesthatIdon'thave.

"Takethis,"Isay,handingherashirtthatIripped.Everhearthesoundofashirtripping?It'saverynice,cleansound.Shetakesitfrommeandwrapsitaroundherhead,puttingpressureonthewound.Iwouldhelpher,butIamprettysureitwouldbeabadideatogetanyclosertoherthanIamrightnow.Shelaysbackdownonthecouch,restingherheadontherippedpieceofshirt.Sheisstaringatmewithquestioning,intenseeyes.Theyarehauntednow.Ihavemadethemhaunted.

"Don'tlookatmelikethat,"Irequest,divertingmyeyes.

"I'mnotlookingatyoulikeanythingatall,"shereplies.Shethenbitesherliplikesheistryingtodecipherhowshemightbelookingatme.IthenthinkabouthowIwantherhandsallovermyskin,warmingupthecold,dampfeelingthatseemstobecoveringmyentirebody.Instead,shesticksherpinkyfingerinhermouthandbitesatthefingernail.WithmyhearingIcanheartherepeatedclickseverytimeshebitsdownonthenail.Soon,itbeginstobleed,andIwanttoshakemyfisttoGodforhoundingmewiththesepettyburdens.

CanInothavepurgatoryintheafterlifelikeeveryoneelse?

Demetriknocksonmydoorafewtimes.Hethenpausesandleanshisearagainstthedoor.IlistentohismindregisterBella'ssmallfidgetingsounds,includingherheartbeatandthesmallclickingnoisesoffingernailsbeingbittenandfallingtothefloor.

"Mycatusedtolickherbuttalot.Youknow,tocleanit,"Bellaoffersintothesilence.Demetrichoosesthatastheappropriatemomenttowalkin.

"I'msorryyouhadtoseewhatyouhadtosee,Bella,"Demetrisaystooquicklyforhertounderstand.Bellapretendsshedoesandnods.Demetriacceptsthatasananswerandsitsdownbesideme.HepresseshishandagainstmyforeheadlikemymotheroncedidwhenIwassickinbed.

"Youfeelingokay?"heasks."Youlookoff."

Howdoesonelookoff?

"Ifeeloff.No,Ifeeldetached."Andit'strue.It'slikeI'mnolongerinsidemybody.Instead,I'msittingalongsideit,staringimpassivelyatDemetriashetriestodecipherwhatitisthatiswrongwithme.Bellacurlsherlegsunderneathherbuttwhereshesits.Again,Iamstruckwiththedesiretofeelherskinonme,aroundme.Iwonder

whatitwouldbelikeifherlegswrappedaroundmyhipstightly.

"Oh!"Demetricrieslikehe'shadanepiphany,"Youneedtohunt!"

IleaveBellaunguarded.Idon'tfeellikecaring.Idon'treallyfeelanythingatall.

DemetripullsmethroughVolturiandintotheneighboringcity.Apparentlywearen'tgoingtobechasingaftersmallanimalstoday.Westopinvariousshopsandstores,thoughnoonesmellsparticularlyappetizingtome.Infact,theyprettymuchallsmellexactlythesame.Demetriendsupscaringonewoman—haircurly,cheeksflushed,stomachplump—bythrowingherupagainstawallandliterallyforcingmyfaceintoherneck.Ipolitelystepaway,mutteringapologiesasshestaresatmered-facedandblubbering.

"MaybeweshouldcallCarlisle,"Demetrimutters,defeated.HerubsthebackofhisneckandIwanttoremarkonhowhumanthatparticularactionlooks.Ichoosenottoonlysothathewon'tleavemealoneinthisstrangestateofmind.

Carlisleanswersafteronlythefirstring,andIlistenpassivelyasDemetriexplainsmypeculiaremotionstohim.Ihearafewwordshereandthereontheotherendoftheline,thoughtheoneexclaimedwiththemostexuberanceisabouthowIleftBellaaloneintheroomwithabsolutelynotrepidation.ThenIhearAlice'squiet,"ButIdon'tunderstandwhat'schanged"inthebackground.CarlislethenordersDemetritogivemethephone.

"What'swrong,Edward?"heasks.

"Yourvoicesoundsmuchdifferentonthephone.Sortofstrange,likeyou'reunderwaterbutsimultaneouslyinanelectriccurrent.Idon'tthinkIlikeitverymuch,"Isay,mostlybecauseit'sthefirstthingthatcomestomindandIwanttoshareitwithsomeone.

"Didanythingstrangehappentoday?"

Itrytothinkback,butcan'trememberanythingbeforeBella'sbloodoozinginsmallcirclesontothesofacushions.

"Idon'tthinkso..."Itrailoff,andDemetriimmediatelygrabsthephonefromme.

HethentellsCarlisleabouthowBellawasforcedtowatchthedecapitationofhundredsofhumans,followedbyAro'sattempttoscaremeintokillingBellainfrontoftheGuard.Icalmlythink,oh,that!DemetrihandsthephonebacktomeandItakeit,thankinghimkindly.ThereisamanwalkingdownthesidewalkasIgrabthecell.

Hesmellsalmostdelightful,andIimmediatelydropthephoneinthesuddenacknowledgementthatahumandoesn'tsmellabsolutelyrepulsivetome.

Ihear,"Edward,areyouthere?Areyouthere?"asIdrainRodolfoofallofhisblood.

"Sorryaboutthat,"IapologizewhenIpickupthephoneoffoftheground.Demetriisstaringatmewithabemusedexpression.

"IthinkIknowwhatmaybegoingon,butthisisexceedinglystrangetohappeninavampire.Alicejustshowedmewhathappened—somehowshemisseditaheadoftime.WhatwereyoufeelingwhenyourealizedthatArohadmanipulatedyouintotryingtokillBellainfrontoftheGuard?"Carlisleisspeakinginhiscalmdoctorvoice.Itamusesme,butonlyslightly.

"Hewasn'tjusttryingtomanipulateme.Theywereallcomingtowardme.Theywerecomingcloserandtheyweregoingtotakeherfromme,"Ireplyslowly,feelingsmallflickersofangersparksomewheredeepinmychest.IhearCarlislehuffontheotherendoftheline.Hecoversthephoneandmutterssomething.Ican'thearexactlywhathe'ssaying,butmyhearingisgoodenoughtoknowheisspeakingtoAlice.

"InAlice'svision,nooneismoving.Edward,Ithinkyoumayhavehadapanicattackandyourbodyisnowrecuperatingbyleavingyouextremelycalm."

"Carlisle,vampiresdon'thavepanicattacks,"Ichuckle.

Bellaisaloneinmybedroomrightnow.Sheisunprotectedandunguarded.Anythingcanhappen.

"Didyoueverhaveanywhenyouwereahuman?"Carlisleasks.Heisspeakingslowly,slowlylikeIamachild.Iamnotachild.Angerisburningthroughmygutlikeacidnow.

"HowthehellamIsupposedtoknow?"Isnap.DemetriislookingatmelikeIhavemultiplepersonalitydisorder.MaybeIdo.Eitherway,wehavetogetbackbecauseBellacouldbedeadanditwouldbemyfault.Thereisadeadmanatmyfeet.Hiseyesarestillopenandtheredsemi-circleseemstohavetwomoreeyesofitsown.Heisstaringupatme.Heisblamingmeforeverything.Iwonderwhohisfamilyis,butitonlylastsformomentsasIamalreadyrunningbacktoVolterra.

Ishutthephone,nolongerwillingtohearanyofCarlisle'samateurishtheories.Demetriishotonmyheels.

"Edward'sback,"hemuttersintothewind.

IamsoangryIcanfeelitallthewaytomyfingertips.Thecauseofthisangerisunknown,butitisbillowingupinsideofmeandsoonitisgoingtocomeout.Myheadfeelslikeit'sgoingtoburstduetotheserapidchangesofemotion.PerhapsIamcrazy.

Wedescendintotheunderground.DemetriandIpartwayssomewhereinthemainhall.HedoesnotcareaboutBellaasIcareaboutBella.Hedoesn'tcarethatshemightbedead,deadinmybedroombecauseIchosetoleaveherentirelyalone.ThereisalumpinmythroatasItentativelyopenthedoortotheroom,onlytofindBellastaringatmewitheyesaswideasanowl's.

Ipacebackandforth.Alloftheangerhasnooutlet.Iwantafight.Ineedafight.

"Doyouwanttohearmoreaboutmycat?"sheasksquietly.

"No!"Ishout,anditistooharsh,tooquick.Shelooksmomentarilystunned,backingintothecouchattheforceofmyanswer.Yet,Ican'tbringmyselftorepent."Didyoulockthisdoor?"Iask.Whenshetakestoolongtoanswer,Irepeatit."Isaid,whenIleftdidyoulockthisdoor?"

"Edward..."shebegins,butIcutheroff.

"No,thatismyname,"Isnap."Didyoulockthisdoor?"Ienunciateeverysyllable.

Herlipspartandshemightanswer,butitdoesn'tmatterbecauseIsuddenlyhaveanurgentdesiretokissher.So,Ido.HerlipspartbeneathmineandIplaceonehandonhercheekastheotherbeginstowraparoundherwaist.Iamprobablytouchingherwithtoomuchforce,butshetastestoogoodandherlipsarewarmandsoft.Weinhaleatthesametime,andItasteherwithsuchpotencythatbythetimeIcanregisterwhatI'mdoing,I'malreadyleaningthelengthofmybodyoverherasherbackrestsagainstthecouch.Myfingertipsareunderneaththecottonofhershirt,myshirt,andbrushingagainstthesoftskinthere.BeforeIhavethechancetoventureanyfarther,Ifeelasuddensensationagainstmycheek.

Bellaispushingherselfawayfrommychest.Herhandisred.Irealizethatsheslappedme.

"Edward,go."

Iraisemyhandsup.WhatdidIdo?

"Comebackwhenyou'recalm.Go."

Andthatisthefirsttime—butnotthelasttime—IfollowtheordersofIsabellaSwan.

#

ItalicizedquotesbelongtoShakespeare'sHamlet.HamletwritesalettertoOphelia,buthefailsatpoetry.Also,Polonius(Ophelia'sdad)snatchandgrabstheletterandreadsitaloud.He'snonetoohappyaboutitscontents.Iagreewithhim,themaincharacterinShakespeare'splaysshouldbeabletowritepoetry.;)

Thankstorevragforthereadandbeta.

Iappreciateeveryoneofyourcommentsonthisstory!

ithinkiknowenoughofhate

Itmightbebesttoreadthischapteron1/2forformatting.(Upperrighthandcornerofyourscreen.)

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Ospiritoflove,howquickandfreshartthou!That,notwithstandingthycapacityReceivethasthesea,noughtentersthere,Ofwhatvalidityandpitchsoever,ButfallsintoabatementandlowpriceEveninaminute!sofullofshapesisfancy,Thatitaloneishigh-fantastical.

Willyouhateme...

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Theguiltrushesovermelikeawave.Ican'tpinpointitsexactorigin,butIamsurethatitisall-consuming.ImoveawayfromBellaassheasked—forIamquitesureIwillalwaysdoassheasks—onlytocomeuponDemetriandAlectalkingconspiratoriallytogether.Ialmostrunrightintothem,actually.Aleclooksup,allharsheyesandhardlines.Demetri,ontheotherhand,lookseerilyremorseful.Inodmyheadinapologyandskirtaroundthem,windingthroughthedarkpassagesuntilIfindoneoftheartrooms.

Itisashame,allofthesepricelessworkshiddensofardowninthisdeeplabyrinth.Marcus,anavidcollectorwithacruelsenseofhumanity,purchasedtheworksbeforetheartistsoughtthefruitsofhislabor,andensuredthattheartistneverwould.Marcusbelievesthatfameinhumansistheultimatedownfall,andrefusestogiveanyofhis"littlepets"(ashecalledhisartists)anyrecognitionfortheirwork.Thereisareasonmanyoftheartistsbecomefamousonlyafewyearsaftertheirdeath.ThatreasonisMarcus.

Isitdowninthecorneroftheroominapeculiarsortoftime-out.IamnotsurewhentheappropriatetimewouldbetoreturntoBella.Honestly,Idon'tfeelanydifferent.Idon'tfeelrepentant.Ionlywanttobewithherlonger,andIcan'tdothatwithoutherconsent.Itfeelswrong.Ileanmyheadagainstapainting.Thecanvassuccumbstothestone,butitdoesn'ttear.No,thesepaintings,thoughalmostcompletelyunseen,arekeptinpristinecondition.

Idon'tknowhowlongIsattherebeforeDemetriknocksonthedoor,enteringsimultaneously.Hisfaceisstillcalmandapologetic,anditbelatedlyoccurstomethatIcannothearhisthoughts.Hashebeenpracticing?Icanhardlybebotheredtonotice.Always,itisallaboutme,notthosearoundme.Demetriwalksoverandsitsbesideme,thoughhedoesn'tneedto.Therobesfallgentlyagainstthestonefloorinsoftripples.

"Ihaveaconfession,"DemetrisaysasifheisthesinnerandIamthepriest.Ilookathimoutofthecornerofmyeye,thoughfeelitmorepropertoleavehimwithoutmygaze."I'mdonewithit."

"Idon'tthinkIunderstand,"Isayafterthesilencerunstoolong.Wearebothtalkingtotheairinfrontofus,emptyandimpersonal.

"YouknowI'vebeenheremuchlongerthanyouhave...toolong,"Demetribegins,thoughheendsuptrailingoffbytheend.

"Soyou'releavingtheGuard?"Iask.Itisonlyright.HehasbeenheremuchlongerthanmostoftheGuard,includingmyself.Ican'tevenfathomservingforthatlong,alwaysatthebeckandcallofAro'sneeds.Isupposehedoesn'tleaveforthesamereasonIdon't;thereisnooneoutsidewaitingforustoemerge.

"No."Hisanswerconfusesme,andmyeyes,breakingourunspokentruce,darttohisface.Hestaysstrong,refusingtolookatme.

"Youmeanyou'redonewith–"

"Everything,"hesays,finishingmyquestionforme.Westaysilentforafewmoments,lettingitsinkin.ItispeculiarquietforIcannolongerhearDemetri'sthoughts.Itistruequiet,nottherelativequietIhavecometolivewithupuntilthispoint.ItisBellaquiet."I'mtellingyouthisbecauseallofmylocationabilitieswillbelostafterward.Arowillnolongerbeabletotrackpeople,unlessthepersoniswitnessedbysomeonehereads."

"I'mnotsurehowthatpertainstome,"Ireply,bothofourvoicesstillvoidofemotionalattachment.

"Itdoesn'tnow,butIbelieveitwill,"Demetrisaysasifhehasinfiniteknowledge.Itangersme.

"WhydoeseveryoneelseseemtoknowsomuchmoreaboutmylifethanIdo?"Iask,fuming."Demetri,thinkaboutthis.TherecanbesomuchforyououtsidetheGuard.Youatleasthavetotry..."

"Edward,"Demetrisighs,rubbinghisfingersincirclesonhistemples,"Youaresoyoung,andsolucky.YouhaveBellasittinginyourroom.Edward,youloveher.Itissodamnobviousthatyoudo.Yethereyouare,tellingmethatthereismoreforme,butnotgrabbingwhatyouhaverightinfrontofyou.Iamdonewiththishalf-lifeEdward.Butyou...youarenot."

"Demetri,youcan'tjustleaveme,"Iprotest.

"Oh,Edward,"hesighs,"It'sforthebest."

Demetrileavesmehere,silentandsurroundedbypricelessart.Theroomisemptyand,truly,ithasalwaysbeenempty.IthinkoverwhatDemetrisaid.ItoccurstomethatIneveraskedhimwhenandhow,onlythewhy.ForallIknow,thatcouldhavebeenmylastconversationwithDemetriever.Anditistheonlytrueconversationwehaveeverhad.

Imoveslowlybacktomyroom,stillhesitantastowhetherIshouldbereturningatall.FromasilentstancejustoutsideIcanhearBella'ssoftheartbeatandquietbreathing,tellingsignsofhersleep.Iopenthedoorquietlyonlytoconfirmmyassumption.Herhandiscuppedbeneathherchin,herbodycurledinthefetalposition.Itakeoffmyrobeanddrapeitoverherbody.Stillsleeping,shegraspsthehemoftherobeandpullsituptoherchin,jawtensingandrelaxing.Isitacrossfromherasshesleeps.Hoursfeellikeminutesinthetranquilcalmandsilence,thoughmymindplaysarepetitive,isDemetrigone?

Sheawakesslowlywithsmallmovements.Iwatchhershiftintoconsciousness;hereyesblinkingrapidlyassheletthemadjust.Herfistscomeupandrubathereyes.Iwatchherlookatmebutnotreallyseeme.Icantelltheexactmomentwhenshedoes:shelookspissed.

"Areyoubacktonormal?"sheasks,headtiltedtotheside.Shereachesfortheremainingfoodandbeginsopeningawrapperofsomethingthatlooksutterlyunappetizing.

"Yes,"Ireply,eventhoughIcanhardlythinkofanythingasfrivolousasspeechwhilesheiseating.

Shewalkstowardsme,allkindsofpurposeinherstep.Thenmyfaceisinherhandsandsheisstaringatmeintently,andallIcanreallyfeeliswarmth.

"Whatdoyoufeel?"sheasks,andwhenIanswer"warm",herlipsareontopofmylips.Theyaresoftkisses,sweetones.Itiltmyheadtothesidetodeepenitandsheobliges,pullingonmyshirtasIrunmyhandsupanddownherback.Sheislike

water,oxygen:boththingsIdon'ttrulyneed,Isuppose,butwouldn'tdarelivingwithout.ShebeginstomakesoftnoisesasImovemylipsdowntoherthroat.Herskinpulsesagainstmymouth,throbbinghardundertheforceofherheart.Ipullthedelicatefleshintomymouth,feelingeverything.Ifeelgentlepressureonmychinandrealizethatsheistryingtopullmyfacebacktohers.Igaspintotheconcentratedaironlymomentsbeforesherecapturesmylips.Iamnolongerincontrol,butnotinabadway.

Iletoutagroanasherhandsrunuptheinsideofmyshirt.NeverhaveIfeltsomethingsoperfect,sowarm.Shesmilesslightlyagainstmylips,arosyanddevilishsmirkthatIadore.Shestops,leansherheadtotheside,cheekagainstcheek.Ibegintotiltmyheaddowntoherenticingcollarbone,thoughshestopsmebypullingbackslightly.

"Doyouloveme?"sheasks,seriousandsincere.Mybreathcatchesforamoment,mymindwhirls.DemetriassumesthatIdo,buthehardlyknowsme.IknowIfeelstronglyabouther.IknowIfeelastrongpulltowardher.ButIdon'tknowifIloveher.AndifIamnotcertain,Ican'ttellherthatIdo.Ihaveneverfeltlovebefore,saveforthedistantmemoryoffamiliallove.Iknowloveinthethoughtsofothers,inthesickinfatuationsofperverts,intheembraceofgrandparents.Itallseemssortofsicklysweettome.Sicklysweetwithatouchofneedydependence.

Andthenshesmiles.

I

feelit.Mymindreels,confused.Mybodydoesnotallowmetoembracethisemotion.I

have

struggledtoconfrontsomethingsocompletelytransforming,socompletelyirrevocable.Ithas

never

wantedtocomprehendsomethingsoall-consuming.Itwashesoverme,anunstoppableforceofuncertainmagnitude.It

felt

incredible;itisswallowingmewhole.ButIwantitto.Please,showmehowtobe

like

thisforever.Showmehowtokeepthislove.Toholdthislovewithme.Tomakeitpermanent.So

this

fleetingfeelingofperfectharmonyneverdesertsme.Pleasedon'tbringmebacktothe

before,

becauseIdon'tknowhowI'lllivenow.Idon'tknowhowI'llbreathenow.Idon'tknowhowI'llsurvivenow.Idon'tknowanythingatall.Anditscaresme.

SoIlie.

"No."

IfeeltheguiltexplodeinmychestwhileIanswer.Hersmiledrops.Gone,justlikethat.Ididthat.WhatwouldDemetrithinknow?Shepushesawayfromme,walksbacktothecouch.IfeellikeIhaveleadallthroughmybody.Shestaresatmeforamoment,andthengetsupandleaves.Itisunsafe.Sheshouldn'tbeoutthereunguarded.ThatistheonlythoughtthatenablesmetogetupfromwhereIamsittingandtrailher.Iwatchfromasafedistanceasshewalkstothebathroom.Shedoesn'tnoticemyfollowing.Iammuchtooquiet,ofcourse.Sheshowersandusestherestroom,andwhenshefinishesIduckintothedoorwayjustintimeforhertomissme.

Whileshesleepsthatnight,Ifindresolveinmydecisiontolie.Theinstinctistherefortherightreason.Iamprotectingher.Thereisnothingtoholdhertome,justasIheldCarlisletome.Throughlove.Allitdoesishurttheotherperson.Ican'thurtBellafor100years,asIhadhurtCarlisle.Now,onceIgetheroutofthisparticularhell,shewillbeabletogohomeandforgetallaboutme.Shewillhaveanormallife,

thissmallinterruptionjustahorrificnightmaretoforgetabout.

"PleaseBella,youmustunderstand,"Iwhisperasshesleeps,mycoldfingerrunningfromhertempletoherchin,backandforth.Shedoesn'tmove,onlycurlstighterinonherself.Hermusclesandfacelookstrained,notthepeacefulsleepIamusedtoseeingherin.Herhair,stilldamp,sprawlsacrossthecouchinawidearc.Itisdarkerwhenwet,adeepchocolatethatIseeinhereyeseveryday.Asthenightgrowslateranditdries;itbecomessofterandlighter.Itouchitwithmyfingertips,slowly,barely.

Shemovesslightlyinhersleepbutdoesn'twakeup.Isitbesideherforafewlongmomentsbeforeatimidknockonmydoorbreaksmefrommyconcentration.MyfirstthoughtisthatDemetrihaschangedhismind,thoughontheothersideofthedoorstandsanewbornvampire.Hecan'tbeovertheageof14or15,andhisattentionimmediatelyturnstoBella.Isnapandgrowl,quicklydroppingintoadefensivecrouch.Butthethirstconsumesnewborns,andwecollidewithathunderingcrash.InthebackofmymindIcanhearBellaawaken.Icanheartheslightintakeofbreaththatsignalshershock,andthesoundofherfeetbackingtowardthefarwall,stumblingslightly.

Iamquickerandmuchmoreefficientthanthemeaslynewborn,andIhavehimpinnedwithrelativeease.Justbecauseitoccursquicklydoesn'tmeanIamanylessinfuriated.

"Whoareyou?"Ispitout,myvoicetoolow,quick,andintenseforBellatohear.Heonlylooksatme,hiseyeswideandblack.Hewasthirstybeforehecamedownhere.Histhoughtsarewildandwithoutabandon,amadrushthatisoverpoweredbyhisthirst.Withhisthirst,ofcourse,comesmine,anditisincreasinglydifficulttokeepmyselfincheckwithBella'sheartthunderinginthebackgroundofmyinterrogation."Iasked,whoareyou?"Irepeat.

"Mark,"hethrowsout,thoughIknowitisn'thisrealname.

"Whyareyouhere,Anthony?"Iask,usingthenameIpulledfromhismind,theonehetriestocoverup.Hiseyeswidenfurtherwhenherecognizesmypower.Already,hehasgivenup.

"Itisn'tmyfault,itisn'tmyfault,"hetriestoplead,hisvoiceabrokenrecord.

"Whosentyou?"

"Aro.Hetoldmetocomeandgetyou.Hedidn'ttellmetherewouldbeahumanhere.Hedidn'ttellmewhy.Youhavetobelieveme.Youhaveto,"hespeakswithsincerity,andIprobablywouldhavebelievedhimevenwithouttheconfirmationI

hearinhisremembranceofthesituation.Arohadrequestedhimtocomeandfetchme,andhehaddoneitintentionally.Hepickedthethirstiest,youngestvampireandsenthimstraightforBella.Again,Iamfumingwithanger.

"Okay.Go,getout,"Isnap.Herunsawaylikeasmall,scaredrabbit.IturnaroundandfaceBella.Shestaresstraightbackatme,herfaceeerilyemotionless.Ihavedonethat,forallIevercauseishurt.Ibegintowalktowardher.Shecrossesherarmsoverherchestdefensively.Istop."I'msorry–"Ibegintoapologizeforsomuchmorethantheintrusion.

"Saveit,"shecutsmeoff."Soundslikeyouhavesomewheretobe,anyway."

Istandstillaftershestopsspeaking,unsureofhowtoplacateher.WhatcanIdobutapologize?Ihavenothingtooffer.Ican'tevenofferherherownfreedom.AllIcandoistake,nevercanIgive.Ihavetakeneverything.Lefther,literally,withnothing.

ButthereisonethingIwillnevertake:herlove.

Ilockthedoorfromtheoutside(yeah,likethatwillkeepanyoneout)andwandertowardthegreatroom.IfIamgoingtoatrial,Idon'twanttoparticipate.IfIamgoingtoanythingotherthanatrial,Ireallydon'twanttoparticipate.Eitherway,Ihavetoparticipate.Iwalkslowly,bidingmytime,thoughIeventuallyreachthemainroom.Arositswherehenormallysitsduringtrials,flankedbyMarcusandCaius.Ilooktowardwherethepersecutedsitsonlytofindthechairempty.Hebeckonsmetohim.Itakemeasuredsteps,tryingtokeepmycalmashewatcheswithbenignhumor.

"HelloEdward,"hesmiles."Careforahandshake?"

Iimmediatelyfreezeup.Normally,Iwouldhaveofferedittohimwithoutaproblem.Ihadnothingtohide.Hell,Arokneweverything.Butnotthistime.ThistimeIhaveBellatohide.Whatwillhethinkofmyfeelingsforher,ofourinteractions?Willhetakeherfromme?Idon'tputthatoutofhispower,especiallynotaftersendingthenewborntomyroom,practicallyinvitinghimtofeastonher.Whatwillbehisgainoutoftakingherfromme?AmIjustapawninhissickgame?Yes.Probablyyes.

"Edward,thatisanorder,"heclucks."Youkeepdoingthistomelately.ItisasthoughIamnotevenyourleaderanymore.I'mquitedisappointedinyou,youknow.Youweresopromising..."hetrailsoff,reachinghishandouttome."Well,goonthen.Youknowwhathappenstovampireswhodisappointmetoomuch."

Yes,Iknow.Theygetpulledapartandburned.

Slowly,achinglyslowly,Ireachmyhandforwardtotouchhis.Justbarely—thatisallittakes—andmyentireexistenceisflashingbeforemyeyeslikeacruelslideshow.Honestly,ittakesmybreathawaytoseeitallinfrontofme.WhenwereachBella—itcouldhavebeenmoments,itcouldhavebeendecades—Arobeginstosmileslightly.Hehassomethingplanned,and,ifItrulyhavetoadmitit,itscaresme.BythetimewebreakcontactIfeeldrained.Itislikelayingmylifeoutonasilverplatter,waitingtobejudged.

"Youknow,younevertoldmethatyoucouldn'treadherthoughts,"Aroaccusesmelikeweoftentelleachotheroursecrets,andthisissomethingstrange.Heseemstoponderthisforamoment,strokinghisjawwiththetipsofcrusty,bonyfingers.Heturnstowardme,hislonghairbrushingoverhisshoulderinadead,limpsortofway."IthinkI'vemadeadecision.I'vechangedmymindfromwhatwespokenofbeforehisarrival,Caius,"hesays,speakingtoCaiusthoughhedoesn'tbothertolookoverhisshoulder.Instead,hekeepshisbloodredeyesonmeasCaiusharrumphs.Marcus,listeningintently,bowshisheadandbeginstonoditupanddown.IeventhinkIseehimsmileslightly.

"Before,Edward,"hebegins,speakingtomenow,"IbelievedBellawasnothingmorethanadistraction.Iwasbotheredbyit,ofcourse,becauseyounolongertotallybelongedtome.Ithoughtthatafterwegaveyouyoursinger,youwouldbemuchmorevigorousandlivelyinyourattitudetowardtherestoftheGuard.Infact,IbelievedBella'sbloodwouldpersuadeyourdiettoperhapsamore...traditionaloutlook."

Lively?Vigorous?Thewordshardlymakesensetomyears.Forhow,inthedepthsofthisbottomlesshell,canitbepossibletofeelbothlivelyandvigorous?ArocontinuestotalkbutItunethemajorityofitout.Believeitornot,IhavealreadydeducedthemajorityofAro'smotivesbeforeheexplainedthemtome.Iassumeheknowsthis,butArohasathingfortheflourishandlongevityofthestory.Itunebackinwhenhespeaksofhowhehaschangedhismind.

"Buttherearetwothingsthatmademechangemymind.Thefirstisthatyoudearlycareabouther.Infact,youloveher,don'tyou?"Arosmilesthen,thoughitismoreofasmirk.Hetiltshisheadtothesideandstares,eyeshazyandemotionless."Yes,yousurelydo.Anyway,thatisthefirstreasonIchangedmymind.ForwhykillBella,yourdistraction,ifyouhavesoobviouslymatedwithher?"

Iblanchathiswords.Killher.Allthewhilehehasbeencountingdowntothismoment.Afterall,theGuardownsher.Eitherway,Ifearshewilldie.Eithershewilldieonourattemptedescape,orshewillperishundertheplannedhandsofmysuperior.Butwiththeformer,Icantry.Wecanatleastattempttogetoutofthis

underworld.Iwilldoit.Iwillgetherout.Somehow.ItisthenthatIrealizedthatAroisstilltalking.

"ButthenIdecided,shehassuchanamazingpower.Youcan'tevenreadhermind.SurelyIcan't,andsurelyJane'spowerswillnotworkonhereither.WhatawonderfulassettoourlittleGuard,shewouldbe.Wewouldbeunstoppable.Afterall,Ihaveheardstoriesofcertainshieldsthatareabletoprotectnotonlythemselves,butthosearoundthemaswell.Allitwouldtakeisalittletraining..."

"Soshewouldn'tdie?"Iblurtout.

"Well,Isupposenotinthetraditionalsense,no.ButI'morderingherchangefromhumantovampire,byyou.That'sfinal.Thankyouforcoming,Edward.Besuretobringherhereoncethetransformationbegins."Hethenhastheaudacitytosmileatme,likeeverythinghehasjustsaidhasn'tbeentheendingtomyentireexistence.

"ButAro,"Itrytoprotest,butamcutoffbeforeIcanevenstart.

"Imademydecision."Heiswalkingawayfrommenow,backtowhereCaiusandMarcussit.Caius;Idon'texpectsympathyfrom,nordidIreceiveany.Marcuswon'tevenmeetmyeye.Ipausebeforeleaving;waitingforsomething,anything.Nothingchanges.Noonereacts.Iwalkaway.

Ican'tfaceBella.Notafterthat,notafterbefore.IcallCarlislebuthedoesn'tanswer.Istareatthephone,hardlylisteningasitrecitestheautomaticansweringmachine.Itrytocallhimtwomoretimes,thoughIamscreenedeachtime.Idon'tleaveamessage.Iturnoffthephoneonlymomentsbeforethebeep.

Ican'tfindDemetri.Hell,perhapshe'salreadydonethedeed.Somehow,Idoubtit.

Ithenrealizedthat,changingunderme,Bellawillhave100yearswiththeGuard.Shewillhavetoservethemforanentirecentury.Isthisthemeaningofkarma?FirstCarlisle,nowBella?Afterall,IamnotgoingtoleaveBella.Itisnotevenascenariothathascrossedmymind.IturnasharpcornertofindDemetristaringatme.Hesits,silentandstill,noreactionsatall.Butsomethinginhisfacepropelsmeintoaction.Isitthesharp,intensestare?Isittheslightcurveofhismouth,pointeddownwardindisappointment?IsitthewayheturnsfrommethemomentbeforeIleavehislineofsight?Ican'tbesure.ButIknowIhavetoact.Now.

Ithunderthroughthehallway,thoughImakealmostnonoise.Bellaissittinginmybedroom,hereyesclosedbutdefinitelynotasleep.IbegintothroweverythingthatIownontothefloorinordertomaskherscent.Themajorityoftheclothesweresittinginthedrawertheentiretimeshewasinmyroom.Icansmellheroneverything,

thoughsomearticleslessthanothers.IonlyhopethatotherswillnotbeasattunedtoBella'sscentasIam.AsIthrowacleanrobeatBella—offeringnoexplanation,mindyou—myphonerings.

Iflipitopenatlightningspeed.Carlisle.Nowhechoosestomakecontact.Lovely.Iturnoffthephone.

"Edward,what'sgoingon?"Bellaasks,hervoicebreakingtwooctaves.

Honestly,Iamnotentirelysure.Thishasn'treallybeenplanned.

"We'rerunning."AndthatisallIknow.

Suddenlypreoccupiedwiththefactthatanyoneinalargeproximitycanhearus,Imotiontoherthatwehavetobequiet.Sheunderstands,andIwatchhelplesslyasshepullsonthenewrobe.Ithenknowthattheactionisfutile.Itdoesn'tmaskherscentatall.

"Stayquiet,"Iwhisper,liftingherinmyarms.Shewrapsherarmsaroundmyneckanddigsherfaceintomychest.Itisprobablyoneofthemostintimatesituationswehaveeverbeenin.Somesmallpartofmybrain,builttocapturethesemomentsandplaythemonrepeatforever,takesaquicksnapshotjustbeforewerocketoutthedoor.

Andwealmostmakeit.

Butthenwedon't.

"Whereareyougoing?"Janeasks.BothsheandAlecstandbeforeme,armscrossed.Bellaturnsawayfromthembothasiftheirverysightrepelsher.IhavetoadmitthatIfeelalmostexactlythesameway.AndthenIbegintolie.

"I'mgettinghersomefoodfromVolterra."

Icanseetheexittoo.Icanseeit;rightbehindJane'sleftshoulder.Icanalmosttasteourfreedom.ButIknowbetterthantoactirrationally,especiallyinfrontofJane.

"Aro'sordersarethatnooneleavestonight.Leastofallyou,"shesmirks,showinginhermindhisdirectiontostationvariousmembersoftheGuardateachoftheundergroundexits.Naturally,IchoosetheonethathousesJane.Suchismyluck."Idobelieveheassumedthatyouweregoingtotryandescape.Iguesshewasright."

"It'snotescaping.Afterall,my100yearsareup.IcanleaveanytimeIwant,"Isaysmoothly.

"Yes,"shelaughs,callingmybluff,"butshecan't.Afterall,finderskeepers,right?"

IstruggletokeepmyfistunclenchedastonotbruiseBella.

"Whydon'tyouputherdown,anyway?It'snotlikeshe'sachild.Ifyoureallyweregettingfood,shecouldhavejustwalkedrightalongsideyou.Orisyourneedforspeedsimplyoverwhelmingyourlackofcommonsense?"shesmirks.Aleclaughssoftlybesideher.Heisconstantlytryingtooutshinehissmaller,morepowerfulsister.Heisalsoconstantlyfailing.Ichoosetousethat.

"Alec,tooweaktogetyourownexit?Havetobepairedwithyoursister,asperusual?"Iask.Hescowlsatme,wrinklescreasinghismarbledface.

"Arojustlikesthebothofustogether,"hesays,defendinghimself.

"Yes,becausesomeoneneedstohaveyourback,"Ipretendtomutter.

"Maybeit'smethathasherback,"Alecsnarls,angriernow.

"Okay,let'snotgettooaheadofourselves,"Janeinterjects,smilingacoysmile.

"What,youthinkyou'resomuchmorepowerfulthanme?"Alecasks,turningonJanenow.Iwatch.Everythingisgoingaccordingtoplan.Maybewewillgetoutafterall.

"Idon'tjustthink,Iknow–"

Andwedoalmostgetoutafterall.

Butthenwedon't.

"What'sallthecommotionabout?"drawlsaheavy,slowvoice.ItisCaius.Hewalkslanguidlyashespeaks,robesdrapedoverlimbsliketheoldcurtainsonadustywindow.WhenIturnaroundhesmirks.

"AlecandIwerekeepingEdwardandhishumaninside,underAro'sorders,"Janeinterjects,nowonherverybestbehavior.Alecalsostandsstraighter,flexinghismuscles.

"Yes,andaverygoodjobyou'vedone,obviously,"Caiusspeakssarcastically."ButIthinkI'lltakeitfromhere,ifyoudon'tmind."

"Ofcourse,"theystammer,theirvoicestrippingoveroneanother.Caiusturnswithoutanotherword,thoughIknowwearetofollowhim.IputBellaonthegroundbymyfeet,whisperforhertoremaincalm,andgraspherhandinmind.Shestaysclosetomysideaswewalk—tooquicklyformosthumans.Shetripsalongsideme,thoughIkeepherfromfalling.CaiusbringsustoAro,whoisalreadyshakinghisheadatmeindisapproval.

"Somehow,Iexpectedthisofyou,Edward.Idon'twanttoexpectthisofyou,butIdid.Andforthatreason,Iamprepared,"ArosighsasifIamdisappointinghimmorebymerelybeinginhispresence."Well,letmeatleastseeBella."Hethenholdsouthishandasifheisuncomfortablewitheventheprospectofahumantouchingit.Well,Isupposeheprobablyis.Igentlycoaxherhandforward.Shelookstomeforconfirmation.Ionlynodmyheadandwaitfortheirhandstotouch.Bellalooksconfusedwhentheydo,andIrealizeitisbecauseAro'sgiftdoesnotworkonhereither."Wonderful!"Aroexclaims."YouwillbeanabsolutelywonderfuladditiontotheGuard."

"What?"Bellaaskssuddenly,thenblushes.

"Haveyounotsharedthefantasticnews?"Aroasks,feigningshock.Istareathimwithempty,deadeyes."ForgivemeifIhavespoiledasurprise.Bella,youaregoingtobechangedtonight!Iamtrulyexcitedforyoutojoinourranks."ArothengivesBellaoneofhissweetestsmiles.Belladoesn'treturnit.Instead,shelooksatme.AllIseeisfear.

"Well,Imustbeoff,"hesighs."Peopletosee,youknow."Henudgesmyshoulderlikewehavesharedaprivatejoke."I'llspeakwithyouinthreedays,Bella.Youwillhavealottolearn."

Hedisappearsandweareleftinsilence.

WhenIlayBelladownonthecouchinmybedroom,shedoesn'tcry.

"Willithurt?"sheasks.

"Yes,"Ianswer.

Sheonlynods.

"Iwillbehereforyouwhenyouwakeup."Itrytoeaseherworry.

Sheonlylooksaway,eyesaverted.

"I'msosorry,"Isay,attemptinganotherapology.

"Don'tbe,"shesmiles."Afterall,"shebegins,cuppingmycheekinherwarmhand,"youtried."

AndthenIbite.

#

ItalicizedquotesbelongtoShakespeare'sTwelfthNight.

Thankstorevragforthebeta.

tosaythatfordestruction,ice

...orwillyousimplyforgetme?

ShesmilestotheshadowacrossthewayThere'sanunderstandingthatyoudon'tunderstandWatchingasyouare,watchinginthewindowYoupretendthatyouknowher,thatyou'reprotectingherButyou'renot.You'resimplynotShe'sleavingnow,andsheremindsyouofyourselfWalkingthroughlifeeventhoughit'srainingEventhoughit'srainingandthecold,wetdewissinkingintoyourskinSinkingintoyourboneShetakesshelterandyouwonderhowitispossibleThatonebeingcanlooksoPerfectYoustandoutsideandwatchJealousofthewarmth,jealousofeverythingButthenyourealizePerhapsherskinandboneandfleshisbetteroffinthereAndnowyourthoughtsareaselfishevilBecauseallyouwantisheroutsidewithyouIntherainandcoldandwetWatchingasthedewsinksintoherbone

BecauseyouseeherYouseeherstandingtherelikeyouknowherButthenyourealizethatyoudon'tAndthatshecanbeanyoneelseAndthatshecanbelongtoanyoneelseAnyonethatisn'tyouButyoureachoutanywaythinking,maybe;justmaybeAndyoucatchthetipsofherhairinyourfingersAndthewindrunsthroughRushing,gentle,pullingfromyourgrasp,AwayfromyoulikethedestinyitisAndyoucryout,"Whataboutme?"Andsheturnstoyou,questioningEyesoffire,eyesofsteel."Whatisitthatyouwantfromme?"Andyoucan'tanswerherquestionbecauseyoudon'tknowyourself

Andeventhoughyouwanttoscream,youstaysilentShestaresatyou,burningholesthroughyourskinPoisonous,venomousAndyourealizethatyouhavemostcertainlyfailedherAndyouwanttotakeitallbackandexclaim,"Itisallmyfault!"Butyouknowthatyoucan'tAndshewalksawayAndyourealizethatyoudon'tknowherThatyounevertrulyknewherThatyounevereventriedAndyouclutchyourarmstoyourchestAndcry

#

Shescreamsandscreamsandscreamsandscreamsandscreams.

Ofcourse,thatisonlyafterherthrashingagonyagainstmybody,myteethandlipssecuringhertightlywithmeagainstherwill.ShegaspsandcriesoutasIpullthedeliciousbloodfromherneck.Thememoriesarerushingintomeasquicklyastheblooddoes—beautiful,unstoppable.

Thecourseoftrueloveneverdidrunsmooth.

Theblood,ontheotherhand;now,that'ssmoothassin.

Ifeelitfalldownmyneckanditiseffortless,thenumerouswayswefit.EventuallyshequietsandIknowI'mdoingthiswrong;IknowI'mkillingher.IknowitdeepdowninmybonesandwhenIbegintoimagineherdead,empty,cold;andwhenIbegintoimagine,perhaps,justhoweasythatoutcomecanbe,myphonerings.Ofcourse,it'sCarlisle.Ofcourse,Icanbarelyhearitoverthisrushing,streamingecstasy.Itakeabreath.Itisunnecessary,unconscious,life-saving.IseeBella'shandgraspmywrist,hereyesflutteringinthisdisgustingstatebetweenconsciousnessandimminentpain.

Iapologizetoher,thoughnotaloud.Ican'tdoitaloud.Idon'tknowwhy.Mypalmsincaseherface.Herskin,normallylukewarmagainstmyicecooliswarmingbythesecond.Sheisnolongertepid;sheisfire.

"Edward,"shegasps.

"Edward,Edward,"shegasps.

"Howcouldyou?Howcoulddothis?Howcouldyoudothistome?"shegasps,gasps,gasps.

Ican'tevenlistentoitanymore.Ican'tevenhear.Herbloodisinsideme,fillingmeinawaythatmakesmewanttovomit,topurgemyself.ItakeandtakeandtakeandIcan'tgiveanythingatall.Shebeginstofeelnotonlytheheat,butthepainaswell.Herhandishotbetweenmine,asthoughitwasinapitofburningcharcoal.ShecannolongerspeakandIamgrateful.Myguiltrelishesinmypain,floppingaroundinmystomachlikeademonasIprotectivelycircleBella.

OccasionallyIhearacuriousvampire,hisorherearstrainedonthecurioussoundsofanincessantlyscreamingvictim.Theycomecloser,sometimes,thoughtheymostlystayfarenoughaway.Theyhaveheardrumorsthatmyformerlyquietdemeanorhastransformedintoonebothvolatileandunpredictable.ItissomethingIdon'tunderstand.Afterall,Istillfeelandactassubmissiveasagod-damnhuman.

Myfistsclenchandunclenchatmysides.

Seconds,minutes,hourspass.Noonecomestocheck.NotevenAro.

Whatishewaitingfor?Iwonder.Ican'thelpbuthatehim.It'ssomethingIcan'thelp.

Ipullherhairbackoffofherface.Sheissweating,herbodytremblinginthisappallingsortofway.Itdoesn'tstop.Idon'trememberthetorturelastingthislong.Whydoesithurtmorewatchingthanfeeling?Itouchherlimppalmwithmyfingertips.Sheflinchesaway.She'sinstinctuallyrejectingmenow.Theclockcreepsalong,eachsecondpiercingthroughmelikeasharpenedblade.Shecriesoutagain.Itsoundslikeherheartbeatisslowing,thoughIamsuremymindisonlyplayingtricksonme.

Morehourspass.Itcouldbedays,butIcan'ttell.Noonecomes.Bellanolongerscreams,onlyshakes.Iwonderifthisiswhatit'slikewhenwatchingahumandie.No,forI'veheardittendstooccurpeacefully.This—thisissomethingmuchworse.Thisisn'tdying;thisiswatchingsomeonebeburnedalive.Herheartbeatslowsagain.Thistimeitmustbereal.Thistimeithastobereal.

Whenshewakes,doItellherthatI'msorry?

Sheinhalessharply,therhythminherchestslowingtremendously.Itouchhercheek.Itissolidandcold.Sheisnolongerflushed.Herskinismalleabletomyfingers,thoughitwillnolongerbetoanyoneelse's.Thereissilenceinthisroom.Ihearnothing.Nobreathing,noheart,nothoughtssavefortheonesrunningrampantinmyownhead.Thequietiseerie.IfeellikeIcandrowninit.

"Bella,"Itry,forshehasn'topenedhereyes,thoughherheartstoppedmanyminutesprior.Shedoesn'tmove."Bella?"Itryagain,moreforcefully.Myhandbrushesupanddownthelengthofherarm.Sheispaleasaghostandinherentlybeautiful.Theimmobilestatueofachinadoll.BeforeIcanblinksheissitting,staringatmewitheyesofbloodyred.IammoreafraidinherpresencethanIhaveneverbeeninthepresenceofanyone.

Thereissomethingwonderfullypowerfulinherposition.Icanseeitjustbehindtheglowinglustofthirstinhergaze.

"Edward,"shesays.HervoiceisdifferentandIdon'tthinkIlikeit.Idon'tthinkIlikeitatall.

"Areyoufeelingokay?"Iask,butit'sastupidquestion.Shelaughsaloud,rightinmyface.Likeacackle.Likewearesharingasecretjokethatwillendinsomeone'sdownfall.Sheholdsoutherhandinfrontofherface,tiltingitbackandforth.Shedoesthesamewiththeotherhand.

"Isupposemynailswillbechippedforeternitynow,right?"sheasksinamonotone.It'srhetorical,butIcan'thelpflounderingforsomesortofanswer.

IhavetheoverwhelmingurgetotellherthatIloveherinstead.

Shestaresatmeandfurrowsherbrow,andtheworldgoesdark.Itislikeblackingout,thoughIcanhearandfeeleverythingaroundme.Ihearmyselfgaspsuddenly.Ifeelmyarmsmovingupanddown,thoughI'mnotcontrollingthem.Ifeelmyselfstandandstretch.Itrytoscreambutmymouthdoesn'tmove.Ifightforcontrolofmybodyandlose.Andthen,justasquicklyasIlostcontrol,everythingisback.Bellaisstaringatme,hereyeswideandempty.Shocked.

"Whatthehellwasthat?"Iall-butyell.Sheonlyshakesherheadatme,bewildered.

Weareinterruptedbyaslow,steadyclaptoourright.Unbeknownsttous,Arowasinourpresencetheentiretime.Thereisasmallsmileonhisfaceandbothofhiseyebrowsareraised.Hestepsforwardonlyoneortwopaces,hisrobesmovingaroundhisanklessteadily.IcanhearCaiusandJaneinthehallway,waiting.IunconsciouslyshiftmybodyinprotectionofBella,thoughIrealizeifanyoneneedsprotectinghere,itismostdefinitelyme.

"Well,thatwasratherinteresting,"Arosmiles,walkingpastmeandnexttoBella.Shestaresatthefloor.Shedoesn'tknowshecancrushAroinaninstantifshesoinclined."IwaswonderingwhattalentsBellamighthaveaftershehasbeenchanged."Arograspsherhand,caressingitminutely."Shehasretainedtheshield,

obviously.Thoughitlookslikeherpowerextendsfargreaterthanherownmind."Aroturnstowardme,raisinganeyebrow.Thereisanuncomfortablesilence,andbothJaneandCaiusentertheroom.

"CarlislehasalreadypurchasedyouaflightfromVolterratotheStates,"Caiussmirks.Irealizehehasbeenwaitinganxiouslytotellmethis,thoughIcan'tcomprehendwhy.

"I'llcallhimandtellhimI'mstayinghere,"IsaywithasmuchconfidenceasIcanmuster,thoughinmycompanymyvoicesoundsembarrassinglyfrail.

"It'snotyourchoice.We'reorderingyououtthereonassignmentforoneyear."Hissmileisgrowingwidernow.Hethinkshe'strappedme.

"Well,perhapsIamdecidingthatInolongerwanttobeaffiliatedwiththeGuard."

IexceptCaiustofallintomytrap,butIhavethedistinctfeelingthattheoppositehashappened.

"Andyou'rejustgoingtoleavepoorIsabella?"

Anditdoes.IhavefallenintoCaius'strap.

"I,I–"Ibegin,onlytorealizeIhavenoanswer.

"Quitstuttering,Edward.It'sextremelyunattractive,"Arointerjects.Janelaughsquietlyatherspotbythedoor.

"Isabellaislookingratherthirsty,"Janesayssuddenly.AroandCaiusnodtheirheadsinagreement.Ican'tbringmyselftolookatBellawhileweallwalktogethertothegreatroomwithAro,Caius,andJanetrailingbehind.Icantellthatsheislookingatme,though.ButIdon'twanttolook.Iamafraidtofindsadnessanddisappointmentinhereyes.Iamafraidtofindhatredanddisgust.Iamafraid.

Thereisalargegroupofhumansmillingabout,runningtheirfingersalongthewallslikeobnoxioustourists.Theypointoutdetailsoftheroomtoeachother,utterlyoblivioustotheirtruesurroundings.IcanhearBellawhimperquietlybesideme.Sheisthirsty.

"Patience,sweetgirl,"Arocoos,andIwonderwhyheisbeingsoincrediblynicetoher.Heisusuallyimpatientandannoyedwithnewborns,atbest.Neverdoeshegivethempetnames,norpaythemanyattention.ArosmilesatmelikeheknowsexactlywhatI'mthinking,thenmovestostandbetweenBellaandme.Belladoesn'tnotice

this—sheisfocusedonthesightinfrontofus.Thehumansareherdedtogether.TheentireGuardispresentnow.Theyareabouttostart.

IholdmyselftothefarwallasIwatchthemdescend.ArostaysclosetoBellatheentiretime,watchingherwiththeeyesofapredatorassheblindlykillshumanafterhuman.Sheisindiscriminateandsloppy.Bythetimetheslaughteriscompletedherclothesandrobearedrenchedinblood.Shedoesn'tnoticeuntilafewminutesafterthecommotionhasstopped,herbodyvisiblycomingdownfromthehigh.Shelooksaround,bewildered.Arocomesupbesideherandplacesacongratulatoryhandonhershoulder.Shesmilesslightlyunderhispraisebuthereyesaresearching,searching.

Ican'twatchitanymore.

SoIleave.

ItakeabackroutethatBelladoesn'tknowabout.Idon'tsaygoodbyetoher.Idon'tsayanythingtoanyone.Thehumansecretarybidsmeagoodafternoonasaleave.Ihardlynoticeit.Ionlypickuponobviousthings—thesmalldetailsarelostonme,orsimplyregisteredinaplaceInolongerhaveaccesstoo.Inoticethatitisverybrightoutside.Theskybeatsdownonthestonelikeapoundingdrum.Thehumansarewearingsunglassesorshadingtheireyes.Carsreflectwaywardstrandsoflightastheyzipthroughthestreet,destroyingshadowsandsplashingthroughleftoverpuddlesofwaterfromtherainthenightprior.

Imakemywaythroughshopaftershop.Idon'tknowhowmuchtimeIhavebeforemyflight.Ifindithardtocare.Istealacar,thoughitisn'tveryfast.Theseatsareleather,butworndownandfrayedbeneathmyhands.ThesteeringwheelstickswhenIturntoofartotheright.Isomehowmakeittotheairport,thewaymemorizedfromotheroccasions.Thesunhassetnow.Thestarsarehiddenbythelightsofthecity,amurkycovertoaformerlybrilliantnightskythatIhavememoriesof.IusedtobeabletoseeeverystarfromjustoutsideVolterra'sentrance.IspentmanynightscataloguingconstellationswithCarlisle.Wewerebonding.

Ican'tseeanyofthemanymore.

Myflighttakesoffandit'sclaustrophobic.

Ican'tfeelanything.

Idon'tfeelitwhenthehumanbesidemefallsasleep,hisbreathrushingovermychest.Idon'tfeelitwhenhethrowshispudgyarmoverthearmrestandlandsonmine.Idon'tfeelitwhentheattendantbrushesherchestagainstmyshoulderwhen

askingifIwouldlikeadrinkorpeanuts.Idon'tfeelangryorannoyedwhenachildwon'tstopcrying.Idon'tfeelupsetwhenItalyfallsinvisibleoutsideofthewindow.Idon'tfeelhatredwhenIthinkoftherestoftheGuard.Idon'tfeelwelcomedwhenIthinkofCarlislewaitingattheotherendofthisflight.Idon'tfeelhappinessorhatredorrelieforsorrow.

Idon'tfeel.

Carlisleisstandingbeneathaflorescentlight.Heisalone,andforthatIammarginallygrateful.

Thisisnotahomecoming;thisisapurgatory.

Hethrowshisarmovermyshoulder.Itisn'tcomfortable.Heisactinglikemyfatherwhenheisn'tmyfather.Idon'thaveafatheranymore.

Ididn'tbringanyluggagewithme.Idon'treallyownanything.Wewalktogethertohiscar,waitingintheparkinglotoftheairport.Itissleek,fast,andblack,butIdon'tfindmyselfadmiringit.Instead,Isimplythrowmyselfintothepassenger'sseatandwait.ThedrivetoIthacaislongandsilentasdeath.Carlisledoesn'ttrytotalk.Idon'ttrytotalk.AftermanyhoursontheroadwepulluptoahousethatIhaveseenmanytimesinCarlisle'sthoughts.Ithasobviouslybeenrenovated,though.Esmeistheonlyonethatwaitsinthedriveway,thoughIcanheartheanticipatorythoughtsoftherestofthecoveninsideofthehouse.

Ihaveneverbeenaroundsomanyhumansandsolittlevampires.

Thehouseissurroundedbywoods,butthecityofIthacaisteemingwithhumanactivityandlife.Aswestepoutofthecarthegarbageisbeingpickedupbythegarbageman.Icantellheworriesaboutthisparticularstop,andheisthinkingaboutbeinguncomfortableseeingusoutside.Hehasneverseentheresidentsbefore,butsomethingabouttheauraofthehousemakeshimfeeluneasy.Hedoeshisworkefficientlyandeagerlymovesontothenexthouse,leavingmealonewithsixvampires.WhydoIfeellikethehumaninthisscenario?

Esmewalksuptomeandhesitates.

"Howareyoufeeling?"sheasks.

Iwanttoanswer,"Ifeellikethat'sastupidquestion."But,Idon't.

Instead,Isay,"Fine."

Shenods—disbelieving—andpullsmeintoanawkwardhug.Idon'tevenknowthiswoman.ImanagetoextricatemyselfandlooktoCarlisle.

"We'veclearedaroomforyouuponthethirdfloor.It'sthefarthestroomdown.Itoverlooksagorge,"hesays.

"Thankyou,"Ireply,andamabouttoremovemyselffromtheirpresencewhenEsmespeaksagain.

"Weweren'tcompletelysurewhatyoulikedbutCarlislegaveussomeideas.ThereareafewbooksandCDs,andalaptopifyouwanttouseit.Ifyouneedanythingelsefeelfreetouseoneofthecars.Oryoucansimplyask;wemayalreadyhavewhatyouneed."Sheiswringingherhandsinfrontofherchest.IammakinghernervousandIcan'tevenbringmyselftocare.

"Thankyou,"Isayagain,thistimewithaslightedgeinmytone.Carlislenoticesandglareshisdisapproval.Idon'tmindmuch.I'msureIdeserveit.

Iscootpastthemandinsidethehouse.Itiswideandspacious.Itdoesn'tlooklivedin.Everythingisinpristinecondition.Tomymildamusement,Ispyabowloffruitsittingonthecounterinthekitchen.Itisn'tevenmolding.Ipickuponeoftheapplesandthrowitupanddown,pocketingitandtakingituptothethirdfloor.Iheartheothermembersofthehousedebatingastowhethertoleavetheirroomsandgreetme.Iamthankfulwhentheychoosenotto.

Ifindtheroomdesignatedforme.Itissparselydecorated—onlyacouchinthecornerandabookshelfcontainingthethingsEsmealreadyexplained.Ipulltheappleoutofmypocketandstareatitblankly.Itisshiny,almosttothepointwhereitlookspolished.Imarvelatthatfact,spinningitaroundinmyhands.Icanalmostseemyreflection.

Ispendthreeweeksinthebedroom.Demetritaughtmeatrickonce.AllIhavetodoismakemymindextremelyblank,anditislikesleeping.Istareatonespotontheceilingandkeepmybreathingsteady,onlyfocusingonthesteadyfluctuationofairinmylungs.Atfirst,theothermembersofthecoventhinkaboutmeallofthetime.Itisnearimpossibletogetthemoutofmyhead.But,overtime,theybegintothinkaboutmelessandless.Theydon'tcarethatIamhidingaway,takingoneoftheirroomsandneverleavingtoseethedaylight.

ThefirstthreeweeksendandIdecidetonolongertrytofeelanythingotherthannumb.Iopentheblindstothebedroomforthefirsttimeaswell.Esmewasright;Icanseeoneofthegorges.Ipressmyforeheadagainsttheglass.It'schilledwithwinterair.Inoticethatafinelayerofsnowhascoatedthegroundandthebranches

ofthelargetrees.Theskyisacloudygray.Itlooksasthoughitwillsnowagainsoon.

Idebatewithmyselfbeforeleavingtheroom.I'mnotsureIwanttoconversewiththerestofthecoven,butIsupposethatI'llhavetodealwithitatsomepoint.WhenIwalkdownthestairsthefamilymaskstheirsurprise.Theireyesdarttowardmeandthenaway,quicklikeIamsomethinghorribletolookat.MaybeIam.Twooftheboys,JasperandEmmett,sitonacouchplayingvideogames.Alicesitsbetweenthem,herfacecarefullycalm.Theformerruckusofthevideogamebattleisswallowedbymypresence.Thereisanemptyseatnexttothem—alonechair.Iwalkovertoitandsitdown.

Thetensionintheroomisthick.Theyareshootingateachotheronthescreen,butitissomehowhalf-hearted.

"Whatgameareyouplaying?"Iasktentatively.

"Halo,"Emmettanswers,hismusclesflexingashefuriouslypunchesthekeys.Jasper'seyescontinuallylooktomyfaceandaway.Eventually,theybothignoremypresence.Alicesmilesatinygrin,andIlosemyselfforacouplemorehours.

Thedaysruntogetherthatway.IhavenocontactwiththeGuard.Thereareperiodsthat,ifIhadahumanmemory,wouldn'thaverealizedexisted.Iliveinarelativefog,onlyansweringwhenspokento.Igoonhuntingtripswiththefamily.SeeingAlice'svisionsinmymindisaprettypeculiarexperience.Itisasthoughhergiftisnowmine,thoughthefutureisalwayschanging.IaskAlicenottowatchtheGuard'sfuture.HervisionsalmostalwaysincludeBella,andIdon'twanttofeelthat.Ijustdon'twanttofeel.Carlisleincreaseshiscamaraderiewithme,thoughIamobviouslyreluctant.Surprisingly,thepersonIbondclosestwithisEsme.Shereintroducesmetothepiano—somethingIhaven'tusedsinceIwasahuman.Itisherfavoriteinstrument,andIagreetoteachherhowtoplaysimplethings.

Wedothismoreandmore,untiltherestofthecovenknowsnottodisturbuswhenweareatthepiano.IseeCarlislewatchingsometimes,smiling.Heimaginesmelivingwiththempermanently,carryingonthislifewiththemintoeternity.Ideally,thatwouldbetheplan.ButIknowIwon'tbeabletostayhere.NotwithallofthethingsIamhidingfrom.NotwithallofthethingsIamavoiding.

Ittakeselevenmonthsformetofinallybreakdown.Rosalieiswatchingsomemovieonthetelevision.I'mstaringatitbutnotpayingattention.Iaminmyusualstateofnumbness.EsmewalksoverandasksifIcangiveheranotherlessononthepiano.Iagreetodoitwithlittlereluctance.

Weplayafewnotes.Shesmilesandlaughslikesheusuallydoes.Ileanforward,placingherhandsonthekeysandinhale,onlytorealizeshesmellsdifferent.Iinhaleagainandshegivesmeastrangelook.

"Iseverythingokay?"sheasks.Sheevenrunsherfingersthroughherhair,self-conscious.

"Yes,"Isay,butit'salie.Mymindisattemptingtodenythefact,butshesmellsexactlylikeBella.Weplayforafewmoreminutesbuteverysinglebreathisremindingmeofher.Iinhaleagainandclosemyeyes.Itisn'taspungentorasstrong,butthesimilarityisuncanny.

"Whydon'twetakeabreak?"Esmeasks.IrealizethenthatIhavestoppedplaying.

"Wait."Idon'twanthertoleavejustyet.Notwhenallofthesememoriesareflowingthroughme,ignitingmyskinandmakingmefeel.IfIclosemyeyesjustforaseconditislikeBellaisrightnexttome.Itmakesmehurt,andIhateitbutIloveit.Esmemovesclosertome,thoughIpretendit'sBella.Thesmellisstrongerandmoreconcentrated.Myeyesareclenchedshut,keepingtheemotioninandkeepingtheemotionout.Ihaveneverfeltthiswaybefore.Notevenonce.Idon'tthinkIdeserveit.Wesitlikethisforages,thoughI'mnotreallythere.EverydayafterthatEsmewearsthesameperfume.Istayclosertoherthananyoneelse—evenCarlisle—thoughIamcompletelysureheunderstandswhy.

Theflightisbookedforthe365thdayofmystayinIthaca.CarlisleandIhuntthemorningoftheflight.Wecatchmuchmoregamethanweshouldforonlythetwoofus.Hetakesmetotheairportandseesmeoff.IholdtheVolturirobes-foreignwithdisuse-underneathmyarm.Wehugandhetellsmetovisit,andItrytoimaginethatanotheryearofhisexistencewasn'tspentwithmyburden.

Iamitchingwithanticipationbythetimetheplaneleavestheground.Thankfully,nooneisbymysidetobotherme.Thereisstillanover-eagerflightattendant,thoughshetakesthehintthatIamcompletelyignoringher—andthat,no,Idonotwantanymorepeanuts—afterabit.Thankfully,it'sthedeadofnightwhenwelandinItaly.Idon'thavetospendtimelurkingintheshadows.IstealthefirstfastcarIcanfindanddriveitfromtheairporttoVolterra.Itisaconvertible.Iputdownthetopandsmile.

ThedescentunderneathVolterraisawfullynostalgic.Thesamehumanreceptionistsitsinthesamespotbythedoor.Sheisstillattentive,thoughsheshouldprobablybesleepingatthistime.IcantellmyarrivalwasexpectedbythewayArohoversjustinsidethedoorofthegreatroom.HesmilesbrightlyandgraspsmyhandwhenIget

closeenough.

"Fantastictoseeyouhadagoodtime,"Arosmiles,thoughitisquiteobviousthroughmymemoriesthatIdidnot.Inoticethatoneofhisfrontteethslightlyoverlapstheother."IknewsendingyoutovisitCarlislewouldbetherightthingtodo."Hespeaksasthoughhedidmeafavor.

Ismileaspolitelyaspossibleandmakemyrequest.Iwouldtrytoactindifferent,butafterseeingmythoughtsAroknowsmyfeelingsforBellaasclearlyasiftheyarehisown.

"CanIseeBellanow?"ItpainsmethatIhavetoaskpermission,thoughIdecidequicklythatitwouldbeinmybestinterestnottogetonAro'sbadsideatthisparticularmomentintime.

"Oh,ofcourse!"hesmiles,clappinghishandstogether."Ibelievesheiswaitingforyouinyourroom,actually.Atleast,thatiswhatshetoldmeearlier.Sheislookingforwardtoyourarrival."

"Great,"Igrin.Arolooksmomentarilysurprisedbymydisplayofemotion,buthequicklymasksit.Ibrushpasthimanddownthehall,myfeetmovingfartooquicklyforcasualwalking.Iopenthedoortomyroomtofindherperchedontheedgeofthecouch.Hereyesarestillabloodyred,andhernow-paleskinisdrapedbythetailoredblackrobes.

Shesmilesatme,butsomethingiswrong.Somethingisoff.

Herhairisbrushedbackoffofherfaceinlongwaves.IwanttotouchitlikeIoncehad.Imoveclosertoherandshestands.Herfeatures—perfectintheirsymmetry—areutterlyblankastheywatchmymovements.

"Imissedyou,"Iconfessunexpectedly.Shesmilesabitbutdoesn'treturnthesentiment.

"IheardyouwerewithyourfriendCarlisleinIthaca,"shesaysquietlyinresponse.Itrytoignorethefactthatshedidn'tsaythatshemissedmetoo.

"Yes,"Irespond,thoughIwanttoquitthissmalltalk.Iwantustobewherewewere.Butwherewerewe,really?

"Thatsoundsnice,Edward."Iwishshewouldn'tsaymynamelikethat.Likesheissayinggoodbyewitheverygoddamnwordshesays.Shesighsabitandgoesbacktositonthecouch.Shepatsthespotnexttoher,tellingmetositbesideher."Ihave

somethingIhavetotellyou,"shesays,staringatherhands.

ButIcan'tholditinanylonger.Ijustcan't.

"Bella,Iloveyou."Ispititoutlikethewordsaretoxic.Ifeelwinded,naked,breathless.Sheissilent.ThisisnotwhatIwanted.Whateverisinmychestaches.

"I'msorry,Edward,"shesighs.Nowitburns.

"ButIdon'tloveyou,"shefinishes.Andthenitdies.

mary,carryyourbabebounduptightlikelipsaroundawhimperyourfingersovermyfaceblindeyedSamsondriventothetempleandnightbirdsdiggin''tildawnfreedomhangslikeheavenovereveryoneain'tnobodyknowswhatthenewbornholdsbuthismamasayshe'llwalkonwaterandwanderbackhomemary,carryyourshamewellpastallthoseeyesacrosstheavenuefishheadsrunningfromrainyouknowi'lldoanythingyouwantmetolampoilloversmaysay"freedomhangslikeheavenovereveryone"ain'tnobodyknowswhatthenewbornholdsbuthispapa'sgoingtohideshakinggristleandshakinglikebonemary,carrymynamehoofmarkshackedupallihadtoofferyoulookedalloverthisplacelostyourportraitlatelywhenthewinterblewinlikeherodandthemfreedomhangslikeheavenovereveryoneain'tnobodyknowswhatthenewbornholdsbutadollarsayshe'lllickthatdevilanddoitalone

#

Firstitalics:"FreedomHangslikeHeaven"byIronandWine.Youcanlistento

itonmytumblr:causeineedyoursway(dot)tumblr(dot)com.Youmighthavetoscrolldownabittogettoit(dependingonwhenyoureadthisandhowmuchofatumblrwhoreI'mbeing),butit'sthere.It'sthemusicvideo.(Oryoucanlistentoitonyoutube.)

ItalicizedquotesbelongtoShakespeare'sAMidsummerNight'sDream.(Butitdoesn'treallymatterbecauseeveryoneusesthequoteanddoesn'tknowwhatit'sfrom,anyway.)

Onlyonemorechapterleft.Oh,snap!

Iappreciateeverysinglereview.(:

isalsogreat,andwouldsuffice

Playingwithwordsandthoughts,Ifeelempty.Mymindtricklesoverthispaperlikeleaveslostinaforgottensewer.Interrupted.Iwanttostepoutoftheshadowsandcaressyourpalecheekwithmyhand,butIcan't.Iwanttofeelthewayyoufeelunderneathme,writhingandachingandsaying,"Iloveyoumorethananything;Iloveyoumorethanthisworld;Iloveyoumorethanthislife."ButIcan't.Mybrain,myheart,mysong.Itwantsyou.Itwantseverythingyouhave.ItwantseverythingthatIknowIneed,butcan'thave.

Iripoutpageafterpage.Thisstupid,aching,self-indulgingshit.Iamforgotten,Iamnothing.Ithinkofthefutureonlytorealizethereisnone.ThereisnothingbutthisstupidfeelinginmychestthatIthoughtyoucouldcure,butyoucan't.Itripsinsidemelikeatidalwave,pushingagainstmyinsideswithirresistibleforce.Youledmetoyoulikesomesickfire.Somesickfirethatintriguedme,thatmademewanttocomeevercloser.Ishould'veknownyouwereonlydanger.Ishould'veknownIwasjustkiddingmyself.ButIdidn't.Iwantedyou.Iwantedtotouchyou.

restlessabomination

disgustingincantation

feelingarevelation

wastedonyourconcentration

fightingwithyourindignation

sufferinginexultation

flyingwithnodestination

trappedinsidemyfrustration

Ifeelitinsideofme.Ifonlyyoucouldfeelitinsideofyou,too.Thenwecouldbeperfect.Wecouldbelikeangels.Wecouldbefantastic.Butyouruinedit.Iruinedit.Ifell.Ifeel.Ifall.Thereisnothingleftformehere.Iknowthat,evenbeingmelodramatic.Iwatchasyouwalkawayjustasthesunsets,leavingnothingbutdarknessinanightwithnostars.Thispoeticlanguageiscrap.Itisallcrap.Ijustwantandwantandwant.Iwantyoutoreturntome.IwantthingsthatIcannotchange.

Fightme

Breakme

Moveme

Takeme

Wantme

Touchme

Feelme

Loveme

Cryforme

Dieforme

Prayforme

Saveme

Needme

LikeIneedyou.There'saroaringinmyearsthatIcan'tstopnow.Icouldn'tstopitifIwantedto.Icouldn'tstopthisemotion.Icouldn'tsavemyselfjustlikeIcouldn'tsaveyou.You'relosttomenow.You'redeadtomenow.You'redeadtoeveryonenow.

ButIstillloveyou.

JustlikethefuckingsinthatIam.

Askformetomorrow,and

youshallfindmeagraveman,

EdwardMasen

#

Iputdownthenotebook.Itcloseswithasnap.Overacenturyofwritingsandtheonlyentriesthatmatterarethefinaleight.Howworthlessmyexistencehasbeen.Howinconsequential.Ihavemadefarlessimpactthanhumanswhohavelivedbuta

fourthofmytime.Infact,Ihavenotmadeanyimpactatall.

Bellaleftagesago.Isitpossibleforaheartthatdoesnotbeattohurt?Ifsomeonetoldme'no',Iwouldhavetobegtodiffer.Iamrestless.Iamconsumed.Myentirebodyachesforher.Howissuchstrongemotionevenapossibility?Howisitthathumansareabletocontainit?Toembraceit?Idon'tunderstandit.Ican'tcomprehendit.Maybeyearsofexistencedoesnothingtoprepareforsituationssuchasthese.Maybe,nomatterhowlongIlove,itwon'thurtanyless.

Mymusclesseemtobefrozenintheirpositions.MycouchstillsmellsabitlikeBella.HumanBella.Ayearlater,thepotencyremains.Myattractionispainfullyundeniable.Ipickupthejournalrestingonmylegs.Ihaveaveryvaguememoryofreceivingitfrommyfather,EdwardSenior.OntheveryfirstpageEdwardAnthonyMaseniswritteninscriptlettering,followedbythedate,February16,1917.Asmallnote—frommymother,Iassume—iswritteninthelowerlefthandcornerinhastyscrawl.Itreads,"Tomyson,forhimtoforevercataloguethewondersoflifetosharewithgenerationstocome."

Whatariot.

Islidethejournalbeneaththecouchandstand.Mymindisdeadsetintheactionthatitwantstotake.Suddenly,IunderstandDemetri'ssentimentwithperfectclarity.Iamtired.Thereisnothingleftformehere.Iamnotsureanyonewillevennoticemyabsence.MaybeCarlisle,eventually.Hemightevenmournforacertainamountoftime.Mournhisblatantfailedendeavorincreatingme.But,eventually,hewillmoveon.Everyonewillmoveon.Iwillbenothingmorethanabriefmemory—orabriefblip—intheirendlessexistences.

Thatthoughtcomfortsmeinaperversesortofway.ImakesurethateverythinginmyroomisputawaybeforeIleaveit.IamnotentirelysurewhyIamdoingthis,butIrealizethatsomewhere,deepdown,Iamstalling.

MaybeIdon'twanttodie.

Ipushthethoughtasideandleavetheroomwithonlyonequicklastglance.Icheckmywatch—11:45.Onlyfifteenmoreminutesuntilnoon.Perfect.TheGreatRoomisalmostentirelyempty,saveforthetwopeopleIwanttoseetheleast.Ofcourse,AroandBellaarespeakingquietlyinthecorneroftheroom.ItlooksalmostasthoughAroisconsolingBella.Sheiswhisperingquickly,almostfrantically,andAro'shandrestsonhershoulder.HeislisteningtoherwithalookofsympathyIhaveneverseenonhisfacebefore.Notinmyentireexistence.

ImakeasmallnoiseasIwalkthroughthehall.Itisenoughtoalertthembothofmy

presence,andIwatchastheireyessnaptomyface.IseemyexpressionmirroredinAro'smind:desolateanddestroyed,yetdetermined.Serene.IwatchBella'sfaceasIwalk.Afterall,she'sallIsee.Iamstillmovingslowerthanusual.Iamstillstalling.IwatchherfacecontortasshetriestodeducewhereI'mheaded.Herlipspartandherbrowfurrows.Sheisstillperfect.

IhearAromurmur,"Justuseyourpowerifyouwanttokeephimhere."ThelastthingIseebeforeIexitthehallishershakingherhead,'no.'Ofcourse.Whywouldshewantmetostaywithher,anyway?Shedoesn'tloveme.

ThatthoughtpropelsmeoutthedoorandintothemiddleofVolterra'sannualfestival.Thesunisthick,ifsomethinglikethatispossible.Itisthickwiththesweatofeveryhuman,packedtogetherlikeatinfullofrubysardines.Theycheer,whoop,hollerastheprocessionrollspast.Iwatchinrelativeapathy.Thisalleywayiscloakedinshadows.ClosesttomestandsaquaintItalianfamily.Theyoungestdaughternoticesmestanding,staring.Sheturnstowardmewiththecuriosityoftheyoung,tuggingonthebrightredrobesofhermother.

Thefirstbelltolls.

Ismile.Theyounggirlisalertedtosomesortofdangerpresent.Herexpressionisnowoneofinnocentworry.

Thesecondbelltolls.

Shetugsharderonhermother'srobes.Buthermother,blissfullyignorant,continuestowatchtheexcitingprocession.

Three,four,fivetolls.

Itakeoffmyblackrobes.TheydroptothestonefloorofthealleyandIfeelinfinitelylighter.Theyounggirlisreallystaringnow.Ismellherfear.Ifocusonitandblockeverythingelseout.

Therehavebeeneleventollsnow.

Ibeginmovingforward,theedgesofmyshoesdancinginthesunlight.Mybodyimpersonateswhattherushofadrenalineshouldbelike.Ifeelhigh.Ifeelfree.

Thelasttollringsoutoverthecrowd.

Itakeadeepbreathandstepforward,surroundedbysunlight.It'swarm.It'sprobablywarmerthanI'veeverfelt,saveforhumanBella.Iforcemyselffromthe

dangeroustrainofthoughtandstepfurtherintothesun.Thisfeelsgood.Ihopethisisthelastfeelinginmyexistence.Ialmostfeelwhole.

"Momma,"criestheyounggirlinItalian.SheseesmeasthefreakthatIam.Afterhermother'sgaspofaresponse,Iknowitwon'tbelong.Ifindmyselfwonderingifitwillhurtwhentheykillmeforbreakingtherules.Idon'tfearit,though.Idon'tfearitbecauseIknowthatitisameanstoanend.Morepeoplearestaringnow.IcansenseitthoughIstillhaven'topenedmyeyes.Theirthoughtsareloud,intrusive.TheywonderifI'mdangerous.TheywonderifIammerelyaspectacleoftheshow.

Idon'thavetimetoheartherest,formyforearmsaregraspedbycoldhandsandpulledbehindmyback,followedbyadeepblackcloakthrownovermybody.Briefly,Iwonderiftheyaregoingtokillmenow.DoIevendeserveatrialwhenIhavebrokentherulessoobviously?

IambeingledbackunderneathVolterrabytwoguardsIdon'tbothertorecognize.IcouldprobablyescapethemifItrulywantedto,butIcan'tsummontheefforttotry.Afterall,thisiswhatIwant,evenifitwilltakelongerthanwhatisideal.Ikeepmyeyesonthestoneflooraswewalk.Noneedtofacecurious,unwantedstares.

Pressureonmyshoulderforcesmedowntomyknees,followedbyanarmkeepingmyheadbowed.IhearAro,Marcus,Caiusandoneotherwalkintotheroom.Theprivacyofthesetrialsisafallacy—IcanheartherestoftheGuardlisteningjustoutsidethedoor.Afterall,itisonceinabluemoonthatamemberoftheGuardhascommittedacrimeandisontrialforit.Ismilehumorlesslytomyself.Ihavemadequitethescene.Caiusischucklingquietlytohimself,andAroheavesasighofannoyance.

"Lethimup,"Aromumblesalmostreluctantly.Thetwovampiresreleasemyneckandarms,onlytograbontomyshouldersandpullmeintoastandingposition.Ilookuptofindthefourth,previouslyunknownvampiretobeBella.Shedoesn'tevenmeetmyeye.

"Whydidyouhavetounleashyourselfinthemiddleofmyparty?"Marcusasks,referringtotheSt.MarcusDayfestivalthehumansarecurrentlycelebrating.HishurttonewouldbemildlyamusingifIwasn'tsoimpatienttojustgetthisoverwith.

Aroisn'tasdepressed.No,Aroisangry.

"Youstupidboy,"hesnaps."Youhadsomuchpromise.Somuch.Andwhatdoyoudo?Youpullastunt.Youwasteit.Isthishowungratefulyouaretohavesuchanoutstandingtalent?"AttheendofAro'stiradesIalwaysfindthestemofhisjealousy.

Insteadoffightinghisludicrousreasoning,Isimplymutter,"Yes."

"Andnowyouwanttodieforthis?Youareawarethatisthepunishmentforyouractions,ofcourse,"Caiusspeaks,amused.

"Yes,"Irespondagain,completelymonotone.Bellaflinches.Caius'smirkdropsslightly.Hedoesn'tlikeitthatIamgoingdownwithoutafight.Arosighsagain,pincheshisnose.MarcusstilllookshurtthatIinterruptedhispreciousfestival.

"Edward,comehere,"Arorequests,holdingouthishandlazily.IstepforwardslowlyandwatchasArograspsmyhand.Thelast48hoursplayoutlikeadreambehindmyeyelids.WhenitisfinishedAro'sbrowisfurrowed.HethrowsonefleetingglanceinBella'sdirectionbeforespeaking."Well,itdoesn'tseemasthoughyou'veleftanyroomforsalvation,Edward.Verywell."

Hewavesahand,gesturingformetoreturntomyformerposition.Ikneeldownandclosemyeyes,wonderingwhichGuardmemberisgoingtobeluckyenoughtoripmeapart.ThereisalongmomentofsilencebeforeArospeaksagain.

"Well,Bella,dear.Goahead,then."

BellaandIbothlookupatthesametime.Oureyesmeet.IfshetouchesmeI'llchangemymind.Iknowitforafact.I'mnotstrongenough.

"Someoneelse,"Irequestdesperately.Caiuslaughslongandhard.

"Beggarscan'tbechoosers,Edward,"Aroscolds.

"Ican'thavehertouchme,"Isayquietly,thougheveryonecanhear.BellalooksupsetandArolookspositivelyamused.

"HaveyounotheardofBella'spoweryet?"Aroasks,feigningshock."Shecanmakeyoudowhatevershewants—killyourself,even—withouteventouchingyou."Hislipscurlintoasmile.

"Butonlyonepersonatatime,"Caiusinterjects,notonetobeusurped."Quiteashame,really."Aronodsinresponse,seemingtoagreethatBella'slackofcompletepowerisashame.

MyeyesflashbetweenAroandBella,disbelieving.

"Don'tbelieveme?"Aroaskswithexcitement,eagertodemonstrate."Bella,whydon'tyoutryitoutonMarcus?"

"Hey–"Marcusbeginstoprotest,butiscutoffbyAro'sthreateningglare.Hegrumblestohimselfandshiftsaroundinhisseat.IwatchwithanticipationasbothBellaandMarcus'seyesgoglassy,almostasthoughtheyarecoveredwithathinsheenofsmoke.AroclapsinamusementwhenMarcusstandsinajolting,stuntedfashion.Hespinsaroundawkwardlyandthensitsbackdown.Shortlythereaftertheireyesreturntoanormal,bloodyred.

"Mylittlepuppeteer!"Aroexclaims."Don'tyouunderstand,Edward?ShecouldseeoutofMarcus'seyes.Shecouldcontrolhiseverymovement.Marcushadabsolutelynocontrolinthematter!"Bellastillstandsmotionlessandmute.Ilookathereyesandshewidensthemasiftocommunicatewithme.IonlyhavetimetotiltmyheadtothesideinquestionbeforeCaiuscapturesmywaningattention.

"Let'sgetonwithit,then!"hecallsout."Iamthoroughlybored."

"Yes,yes,ofcourse,"Aroreplies,calmingdowntoamoresolemndemeanor."Goahead,Bella.Thelawshallproceed."

Bellamaynotbemyjudgeorjury,butsheiscertainlymyexecutioner.

Iclosemyeyesandanticipatetheblow.

Itdoesn'tcome.Instead,forthefirsttimesincesheleftmyroomearlier,Ihearherspeak.

"PerhapsIcoulddoitinprivate,"sherequestssoftly,slowly.MyeyesopenagainandsheisstandingnexttoAro.Tooclose,playingwithhisemotions.Hishandrestsonherouterthigh.Mymusclestenseup.Sheleansinfurther,closer."Youknow,tosaygoodbye.Afterall,heistheonewhochangedme.MaybeIwantalittlepayback.Withus,it'spersonal.Youunderstand...."Shecontinuestotalk,tocoerce,untilAronodshisapproval.

"Isuppose,thoughCaiuswillnotbehappy,"Arosighs,andCaiusharrumphsinagreement.Idon'tknowwhyshe'sdoingthistome.It'smakingmeinsane.Doesshetrulywanttoprolongthis?IsupposeIcan'tblameher,afterallofthepainI'vecaused.Ifitwasn'tformeshewouldn'tbehereinthefirstplace,afterall.

IsuddenlyrememberthatInevereventoldCarlislegoodbye.

ThethoughthitsmelikeatonofbricksasIstandandslowlyfollowBellafromtheroom.Marcuslooksrelievedthatwe'refinallyoutofhishair,butIfeelthedisappointmentemanatingfromCaiusandthegroupofvampireshuddledjustoutsideofthedoor.Itiscurious,howlivinganeternitymakesonelongforviolence.

It'sadesensitizationthatoccursovertime,Isuppose.It'ssafetosaythatthetwenty-firstcenturyhasbeenaboringonefortheVolturi,ifthisistheirmostexcitingactivity.BellaleadsmedownsomehallwaysthatIknowbyheart.Itlooksasthoughsheknowsthemnow,too.

Itisstrange,beingledaroundbythepersonIhadtoprotectforwhatfeltlikeages.Belladoesn'tgiveanythingaway,though.Shedoesn'teventurnarounduntilwereachtheendofthehallway.IrecognizeittobeCarlisle'soldstudy.ItmustbeBella'snow,forotherobjectslinethewallsthataredistinctlyforeigntome.Shesitsdowninalargechairinthefarcorneroftheroom,onlytostandupjustmomentslater.Iwatchhersilently,keepingclosetothedoorasifIweregoingtorun.AsifIevencouldrun.

Suddenly,shepullssomethingoutfrombeneathherrobesandthrowsitatme.ItcollideswithmychestbutIkeepitfromfalling.Irecognizeitimmediatelytobemyjournal.Shestaresatme.

"You'resostupid!"shesuddenlycriesout,turningawayfromme.Isincerelyhopethatnooneiscloseenoughtohearusspeaking,foritisexactlytheoppositeofwhatwearesupposedtobedoing."That'syourjournal,isn'tit?"

Ionlynod.Afterall,mynameiswrittenonthefirstpage.

"Who'sitabout?Whoareyouwritingtointheselastfew?"

"Idon'tknowwhatyoumean,"Ireply,lyingblatantly.

"Youaddresseveryentrytosomeone.Ithastobetosomeone,"shesnapsback.Sheseemsangrybutthere'salsosomethingelse.

"Maybeit'stoeveryone–"Ibeing,butshecutsmeoff.

"Don'tgivemethat,Edward.Justtellmethetruth."ShecantellstraightawaythatI'mlying.Ipauseforafewmoments,clenchingandunclenchingmyfists.Isupposeit'snowornever,anyway.Itwon'tmakeadifferencewhetherItellherornot.

"It'stoyou."

"Andyouwerenevergoingtogiveittome?"She'sstillangry.

"No."

"Whynot?"Stillangry.

"Becauseitwasprivate,ifyoucouldn'ttell."Iholditclosetomychestlikeasmallchild."Iguessthatdidn'tstopyou,though."Thepagesareruffled.Shereadit.Ican'ttellwhethertobemortifiedorrelieved.

"Youcan'thavesomethingbeprivateandwrittentome,"shesnaps.Inoticeshe'scomemuchclosertomeintheselastfewminutes."And,yes,you'reright.Itdidn'tstopme.Ireadit."

AndthenIexpecttobedeadbutshe'sactuallykissingme.Herarmsarearoundmyneck,andit'ssortofstrangebecauseshe'snolongerwarmorsoft.IfreezeupforamomentuntilshepullsmecloserandIcanfeeleverysinglelineofherbodybeneathherrobes.Ikissherhardthen,becauseIdon'thaveanythingleftandIneverhadanythingleft.Ithasalwaysbeenhers.

"Iloveyou,"shegasps,andit'sasthougheverypartofmeisfilled."You'resostupid,butIloveyou."

"Idon'tdeserveit,"Imutter.

"Iknow,"sheagrees.Andthat'sthat.

That'sallthatmatters.

IfeeleverypartofherthatIcanholdonto,andshe'sdoingthesametome.Thejournalfallsbetweenus,completelyforgotten.Herlegsarewrappedaroundmymiddleandweareheadingtowardtheonlychairintheroomwhenaknocksoundsatthedoor.

Allmovementceasesandwestareateachother,waiting.We'rebothpantingslightly.Bella'shairfallsaboutherfaceinthisridiculouslybeautifulsortofway,andI'mdistractedfromwhoeverisbehindthedoorwiththeneedtotouchit.

Thereisanother,louderknock.

Edwardyoubetterletmeinthatdoorrightthissecond.

IimmediatelyrecognizethetenorofthethoughtstobeDemetri.Belladropstothefloorandmovesclosertothedoor,stilltentative.

"It'sokay.It'sDemetri,"Isayquietly,thensteparoundherandopenthedoor.Demetrislipsinsideandthedoorsnapsshutwithaquickclick.

"Whyareyoustillhere?"Iask."Ithought..."

"I'mstillhereforyou,Edward.IwascontactedbyAlice...friendofCarlisle's,apparently.Anyway,shesaidthisistheonlywayyoutwowouldlive.SohereIam."

"Youcouldn'thavetoldmethisbeforehand?"Ialmostgrowl.

"No,Icouldn't.Shesaidthatyouwouldn'tmakethesamedecisions.Edward,justshutupandtrustme,okay?Wehavetoworkquickly."

Ionlynod.Bellalooksbothworriedandbewildered.ImaskmyfearandfocusonwhatDemetrisays.Theonlywayyoutwowouldlive.

"Listen.Wetakeyououtthebackway,fakeabitofafight.Whenwegetenoughattention,IletyouthroughandrunbacktoAro.IconvincehimtoletyourunbecauseIwillbeabletotrackyoudowneasily,andthenitwillbeapunishableoffenseforrunningawayfromtheGuard.Soundgood?"Demetriistalkingquickly.Hecheckshiswatchandfrowns."Comequickly,we'rerunningoutoftime."

WechaseDemetridownthehallandouttooneofthemoreobscureexits.WestandinsilenceforamomentbeforeDemetrisignals.Weimmediatelybegintofight.IamthrownoverBellabyDemetri'sarm,whileshecallsoutinherstruggle.WemakeeyecontactandIjumpup,pressingmyshoulderintoDemetri'schestandmakinganimprintwithhisbodyinthestonewall.Igrowlandsnapathisneck.Bellatakesoverwithherpower.ItthenlooksasthoughDemetrithrowshimselftotheground.WehereadistantcallandBellarelinquisheshergrasponDemetri.

"Run,"hehisses,andthatisallweneed.WehurtleoutintoVolterraanddownthecobblestonestreets.Humansgaspasawhooshofairrushespastthem,thoughtheydonotseeourbodies.WearemilesoutofVolterrabeforeweslowourpaceintheslightest.Wemakeittotheairportandtakethefirstplaneanywhere.

"Edward?"

Theplaneisrisinginaltitude.Sheisthefirsttospeak.Ilooktowardher,watchingthegroundfallawayfromthewindowjustbehindherrightshoulder.

"I'msorry,"shesays.

"Whatonearthareyousorryfor?"Iask,shocked.

"Iliedtoyou."

Ialmostlaugh.

"WellthenIshouldbethesorriestpersonintheworld,shouldn'tI?"Achucklemanagestoescape.

"I'mbeingserious,"shesayssternly.Mylaughterfallsaway.

"Sorry,"Iamend."Whatdidyoulieabout?"

"WhenIsaidIdidn'tloveyou,"shebegins,buttrailsoff.Irunmyhandupanddownherarm.Shespeaksagain."IdiditbecauseIwasscared,andbecauseIdidn'twantyoutohavetospendahundredyearswithme,onlytoregretit."

Howwoefullysimilarweare.

"Iforgiveyou,"Ismile,becausesheneverevenhadtoapologize.

WelandinTurkey.

WevisitmanycountriesIcan'tpossiblylist.Eventuallynoonetrailsus.WeeventuallyendupwithCarlisle'scoven.Hehasmovedmanytimes,andiscurrentlysettledinthesmall,lazytownofForks,Washington.Bellasaysthatshelivedhereonce,whenshewasahuman.Ofcourse,allherrelativesarelongdeadnow.Weevenattendheroldhighschool,whichissortofalaugh.Bellahateseverythingabouthighschool.Ioncecaughthertryingtoleavethroughthesmallwindowinthegirl'sbathroom.

Aliceshowsushowsheelaboratelyplottedourescape.Iremembertotryandmakeaneffortwithher.Afterall,shesavedbothofourlives.ShealsoshowsusDemetri'ssuicideafterplacatingAro.Hewassmiling.

Wenevermarry.Wefigureit'sbestthatwedon't.Itisn'tlikethatforus,anyway.

Forus,it'sdifferent.

UNKNOWNPOV

Irunthroughthethickwilderness.They'restillfollowingme.Idon'tknowwhotheyare.Ithastohavebeenweeksnow.Theydon'tstop.Theywon'tstop.Ilaunchmyselfoveratreeandflythroughtheair,thewindwhistlingaroundmybodyasIhurtlepastsolidobjects.Ilandonthecushionofunderbrushandtakeoffagain,jumpingoverlakesandriversandstreamslikemerehurdles.They'resteadilygainingonme.Idon'tknowwhatIcandotostopthemanymore.

Idon'tevenknowwhytheywouldwanttokillme.

Izigzagthroughmoreforest,onlytofindmyselfatthetopofatall,sheercliff.Icouldalwaysjumpinandswim,thoughthewaterlookstreacherousbeneathmeandIamverytiredoffleeing.IknowthatifIweretojump,theywouldsimplyjumpafterme.

ThesearenothumansthatIamrunningfrom;thesearevampires.

Ibacktowardtheedgeofthecliffandthreatentojump.Mytrainedeyeswatchasfourorfivevampiresemergefromthedenseunderbrush,allofwhichareadornedwithheavyblackcloaks.Twoofthemstepforwardandmovethecloaksinordertoshowtheirfaces.Itisaboyandagirl,andtheybothlookdisturbinglyyoung.Thegirlsmiles,herlipsthecolorofrubyred.

"Hello.You'requitetherunner,aren'tyou?"Whenshespeakshervoiceissoftandinnocentlikeayoungchild.Iamdrawncloser.

"I'mgoodatit,"Isayabruptly,notwantingtogivetoomuchaway.

"What'syourname?"sheasks.

"James,"Ireply.Thevampiresbehindherareadvancing.Ibegintobacktowardthecliffagain.

"Well,it'sapleasuretomeetyou,James.Youwouldn'tmindcomingwithusforawhile,wouldyou?Ourleaderhasagreatinterestinmeetingyou."Shebeginstowalkforwardasifmyanswerdoesn'tevenmatter.

"WhatifIdon'twanttogo?"Iask.Iknowthisisdangerous.Icansmellit.

OnlymomentsafterthelastwordescapesmymouthIamwrithinginagonizingpain.Doubledover,Itwitchontheforestfloor.Mybodyfightsforamomentandthengivesup,givingintothepain.Almostasquicklyasitcomes,itisgone.Imovetomyfeetasdeftlyaspossible.

Sheissmiling.

"Didyousaysomethingaboutnotwantingtogo?"sheaskspolitely.

Ishakemyhead,forIhaveadistinctfeelingthatsheistheonewhocausedthepain.

"Fantastic,"shegrins,andweallheadoutoftheforesttogether.Wetravelformanyhours,eventakingaplane.Bythetimewegettoourdestinationitispitchblack

outside.IknowweareinItalyduetotheairport,butbeyondthatIamlost.Istayclosetothesepeople,eventhoughIhaveanideathatIwilldieattheirhandseventually.

ButIrecognizepowerandIrespectit.

Weenterasmallcityanddescendunderneathit,throughelevatorsandtunnelsandallsortsofdevices.Eventuallyweenteraverylargeroom,wherethreedecrepitvampiressitongreatthronesmadeofstone.Theyounggirlgoesupandtalkstothethree,motioningtomeonlybrieflybeforeleaving.Therestofthevampiresbesidemetrickleaway,leavingmealonewiththesethreevampires.Theoneinthemiddle—darkhair,politesmile—stepsforwardandbeckonsmeover.

"James,isit?"heaskswhenwithinearshot.

Inod.

"Ihearyouareagreattracker.Itmaybesaidthatyourgiftislocation,amIcorrect?"Hespeakssoftly,slowly,butIcansensehisexcitement.

Inodagain.

"Fantastic!"heexclaims."Ihavealittlejobforyou."

#

ItalicizedquotesbelongtoShakespeare'sRomeoandJuliet.Harhar,Mercutiobeingpunny.

Forthehandfulofyououttherethatreadthislittleguy,thankyousomuchforspendingyourtimedoingso.IreallyappreciatethatyouallhangwithmeeventhoughI'mstillworkingonmywritingtechnique.

Ihavesomerecs.IfigurefortheverylastchapterIoughttosendyousomewhereelsenow.

First,DeadonmyFeetbyCescaMarie.Thisisdefinitelymyfavoriteonmyalerts,byfar.Iloveherdialogue,and,especially,herEdward.I'malwayseagerlyawaitingherupdates.

GrandJetebystellalunasky.ThisoneisjustgettingstartedbutI'msortofobsessedwithstellalunasky'swritingingeneral.Nobigdealoranything.

I'malsoreadingAPortraitofaGirlbyZors.Ireallylikeitsofar.Totally

recommendit(uh,obviously).HerBellaistotallyheadstrongandawesome.Also,she'spretendingtobeadude.

Thanksguys!

Seeyounexttime?

Jxx