Kenyon Collegiate Issue 1.2

8/3/2019 Kenyon Collegiate Issue 1.2

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By Montana Criminitely

OLD KENYONIn a move that has givenmany students pause during the last twoweeks, well-known organization the PeepsO Kenyon has cut ties to the Greek community. Over the last four decades this ir-reverent band of fun-lovers has had an on-again, off-again relationship with KenyonCollege Greeks. Their recent split is beingattributed to unpaid dues, but when askedmembers could not understand where themoney went.

green devil, said Peeps member AshleyReinman 10, removing multiple tabs of

When asked about the recent turn of eventsmany Kenyon students expressed concernover the loss of parties traditionally host-ed by the Peeps. One party on everyonesmind was the Debutante Ball, usually theEveryone dresses up, dances, and enjoyshimself, said Greg Chacin 09. Every-thing feels good.

Plus, Chacin continued, last year, thebrownies turned into dinosaur tits!

Other Peeps events around campus includethe Halloween party, a faux wedding during Sendoff, and the annual Acid/SprinkleFun Run. Cory Sillun 10 expressed dismay at the thought of missing the latterSetting up for that was one of my favoriteduties as a Peep. Now who will make rainfor the gnome kingdom beneath Ransom?King Lorpdock will make bloody war onour ankles if the rain from my sprinklebody seeps upward not downward and everspinning your eyes have become beautifuphalli shooting stars toward the moon.

As of press time Sillun is still hospitalizedThe Peeps are asking Kenyon students tokeep her in their stickerlicklicks.

Peeps Drop Greek Status, Acid

By Mildred Gout

HORWITZ HOUSEIn an effort toinstill practical skill-building as wellas theoretical understanding in theirgraduating seniors, the Political Sci-ence department revised the guidelinesof their Senior Exercise, completelywritten examination in favor of an ap-titude test.

In this test, initially proposed byProfessor Alex McKeown and rati- is assigned one developing nation.They then have 24 hours to impose liberal democracy upon their country,

transforming it into a seething nest ofpoverty, ethnic unrest, and religiousextremism. Administrators didnt likeit. Something about ruining our inter-national reputation. Or maybe it was acultural sensitivity thing, Departmenthead Joseph Klesner said. But I standby my departments opinion that theworld deserves a democratic peace,

Political Science MajorsConquer New Senior Exercise

Inside This Issue:

Oceans 11/12/13

From the Archives:Kenyon To Admit Women: Crozier

Center For Misogyny To Be Renamed

By Stillwater Stevens

SAOFollowing the resignation of DeanPresident has made the controversial deci-sion to appoint Kenyons own Greek Coun-cil as the ad hoc search committee to deter-mine the outgoing deans successor.

Gocials tenure on the hill has been onemarked by frequent protests about her some-times controversial actions. In particular,students were up in arms at the oft-malignedparty policy, which requires half a dozen stu-dents to remain sober for nearly four hoursonce a semester.

Frustrated students have called for a return

GOCIAL RESIGNSto former Dean of Students Donald J. Oma-hans largely hands-off method of gover-nance. Donnys response to most problemswas, Lets blow a J and forget about thisnoise, said Psi Upsilon president Lyle Mc-Scorch 09.

The transition to a new dean will be hard

on all of us, added Greek Council Presi-dent Ronald Alexander 09, who delivereda quick elbow to McScorchs midsectionwhen the latter broke out in giggles at thewords hard-on. But hopefully we canaway from those shes paid to assist.

Alec Beout 11 hailed Gocials resignation,soberly commenting, Long live freedom.

Greek Council To Name Successor

By Dan Schlumphrey

STORERKenyon students are jittery with antici- -mance.

Whats the holdup? According to president andmusical director Ernie Goldwater 09, the arduousprocess of naming the group has prevented themfrom making progress.

I know, its just a name, right? Goldwater joked.But no, a good moniker is more than just a title.Its a witty, playful amalgamoften a portman-teauof everything we hold dear. Were missingthat perfect pun.

The group thought they had nailed it when tenorAlex Lipstein 10 came up with Oy Cappella,but it turns out they werent the only ones whodthought of it.

Jewish A Cappella Group Seeks Perfect Pun

Continued on Page 2

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people for the job.

Leah Rebe 09 was eager to begin. I got Bu-rundi. Its one of the poorest countries in theby ethnicity. So, naturally, I implemented aunitary government with a plurality electoralsystem and introduced liberal education inplace of vocational training. I also sterilized

-sical excellence in action!

receive Distinction honors under the new sys-tem, having actually provoked his assignedcountry, Turkmenistan, into a devastatingethnic cleansing campaign within four hoursof his arrival. No big deal, Otterbein said.You gotta break some eggs to make a demo-cratic omelet with pure proportional represen-tation and a Rousseauean civil religion.

Professor of Religious Studies VernonSchubel, usually all over this shit, could notbe reached for comment.

Thirty-six Jewish a cappella groups in theMidwest alone go by Oy Cappella, Lip-stein said. Thirty-six. Havent you schmucksheard of Google?

At Thursdays rehearsal, Goldwater gave a-fessionals and nomenclatural amateurs. Buthe ended with an optimistic note, suggesting

their reach.

Its out there, said Goldwater, that glori-ous bit of wordplay that combines Judaica,Kenyon kitsch, and our love of song.

To tell you the truth, Lipstein said, I kindof like The Chosen Tones.

The as-yet-unnamed group, which rehearsesevery night except on Shabbat, has collected -tering khakis, and legions of fans who arepun is obtained.

I wont settle for less, demanded Jacob Fishback 12, a fan. If they comeup with some stale title like The Koko

But some, to the chagrin of the group, argrowing impatient. Its been way toolong, another fan lamented via Allstulast week. I want to hear Hava Nagilaand I want to hear it over beatboxing.

In the last few weeks, the group has com

up with a few ideas. Theres ChallahBack and Talmuddy Waters, Lipsteinsaid, which, you know, Im not crazyabout. The Bar-Chord Mitzvahs is pretty lame, too. And then I thought of TheShoahstoppers, but thats . . .

Too real, Goldwater interrupted. Tooreal.

A cappella fans, the balls in your courtEmail [email protected] your pick, and if your pun is the winner, the group will surprise you at youdoor with a selection from Stein, Bockand Harnicks Fiddler on the Roof.

Continued from POLI SCI: Page 1 Continued from JEWS: Page 1

CollegiateStaffEditor-in-Chief Lead DesignerSkeeter Demiglace Cornelius Coot

Head WritersCornelius Coot, Montana Criminitely,Tigger French, Mildred Gout, LutherHoneybucket, Diesel Jackson, SaulOldman, Dan Schlumphrey, StillwaterStevens, Sheridan Whiteside

Editorial ManagerDan Schlumphrey

Editorial AssistantsWilbur Remington, Kris Klobb, Bob

Kalashnikov, Ruben Slappers-Only, IrvGlock, Percival Widowmaker

ConsultantsBarb Cougar Magnum, Skipper Willingham, Tipton Hamlin Evans, Wes Nuclear Wessles, Vidkid Timo

InternsBarnstable Herzegovina Barnstable,Prudence Slutty Patience, Dev Patel(no relation), Zell Blablaski, NataliePortmanteau, Chun-Li, Kandi Barbour,Honey Wilder, Jaimee Foxworth, BruceLaBruce, Francesco DMacho

Faculty AdvisorProf. Ray Dragon

Founder/Editor EmeritusLouis Francis Albert Victor NicholasCollegiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio,KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO, DSO

By Tigger French

GUND COMMONSAfter failing to secureenough student Community Advisors for thefall of 2009, the Kenyon College ResidentialLife staff has decided to outsource the Com-munity Advisor position to ALFA, a telemar-

-plained the decision in greater depth: From aof sense. ALFA has a proven track record ofsurvey and market research, HR support, andin- and out-bound calling services. All theseskills are, obviously, directly applicable to theCommunity Advisor position.

This deal, he continued, represents syn-ergy, streamlined communication, and cost-effective branding.

When asked to explain the logistics of theprogram, Alicia G. Dugas, Assistant Dean ofStudents for Housing and Residential Life, ex-plained that ALFA will be using videoconfer-encing software to keep eyes on dorm roomsand halls 24 hours a day.

Mumbai is a technological capital of theworld, she said, and we love cutting-edgetechnology here at Kenyon. Many of our com-petitor schools have outsourced their CA pro-

grams as well. It was inevitable that wewould follow suit.

Student response has been less than fa-vorable on the issue, with many concernscentered around the issue of privacy. ErmaStending 09 explained, Using webcamsin dorms and halls is just another way toruin fun at Kenyon College. But Im stillmore upset that Facebook tricked me intothinking that it was private.

Colt McGuddy 11 echoes this sentimentabout privacy concerns. Its weird that

some dude in India can see me naked ifIm not careful. But, as an anthropologymajor, I dont think its fair for me to judgeanother culture or its people without ob-

jective, in-depth ethnographic research.

Saxby Chambluss 10 also utilized hisacademic background to explain his feel-ings on the issue. As a political sciencemajor, he said, I just feel like globaliza-tion makes this inevitable. I dont know ifyouve read Tom Friedman or not, but ina very complex argumentwhich Im go-ing to make much more pedestrian hereand crowded.

Maybe Kenyon is just following the tra-and crowded, Chambluss concluded.

CA Positions Outsourced To India For 2009

Freshman Shares Unique, Tangential Experiences In SeminarBy Montana Criminitely

RALSTON HOUSEKenyons sociology department has been in an uproar since thebeginning of second semester, when wunderkind Josh Kremel 12 started making wavesin his introductory seminar. Professor Marla Kohlman, chair of the department, claimsKremel is the breath of fresh air this school needs.

Ive never seen anything like it, Kohlman continued. I had barely started the lecture

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Jugdeep John Smith, Norton CA for 2009, at desk in Mumbai


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By The Guy Ahead Of You In Line

Oh, boy. Its breakfast time! Lets make a little inventory here. Got my juice, got my eggsgot my bagel. What else do I need? I knowtheres one thing I forgot. Hmm.Oh! Of course! Cream cheese for my bagelAndwhats this?Ive been standing infront of it this whole time!

How convenient.

I hate how they put both chunky, gloppywhite breakfast toppings right next to eachother. If, God forbid, I end up spreading thewrong condiment on my crusty treat, mymorning will be ruined.

od of differentiating between the two. I musstand here and probe each bucket, testingpainstakingly each substances consistency.

Derp de derp.

How weird that one has a butter knife, while

the other requires a larger, broader spreadingtool. Peirce always has such random stuff!

Oh, hey there, Friend I See Every MorningSure, go ahead and gripe about waking upfor your 11:10 class. No, of course youre notbothering me. Im just at the front of the linefor the cream cheese.Got it! The one in the middlejust like thelabel sequence on the glass indicates! Onlyone question remains. Is this the low-fakind? Maybe I should wait around to ask theAVI lady. Hmm.

Holy shit. Is that Golden Grahams or Cinna-mon Toast Crunch?

then he started to inform the class that he had spent an entire two weeks building a housewith his church groupso he really understood how poverty affects society as a whole. Irealized then and there we had stumbled upon something special.

-man beamed, wiping away a tear of admiration.

Professors are not the only group on campus awed by this erudite, accomplished, and

When I saw him wearing a vest over a t-shirt I decided to just throw in the towel, sighed

Frank Trummel 09, captain of the Kenyon soccer team. Ill never be that amazinglyone-of-a-kind.

He smells funny, explained Stephanie Calhoun 12, so you know hes thinking veryhard. I just count myself lucky to be in the same year as this paragon of individuality andintellect. I think hes starting to grow a beard, too.

When asked where he attained such depths of personality and the compassion to sharehis experiences with anyone who happens to be in the same room, Kremel avoided eyecontact and mumbled in a sexually charged nasal tone, Two roads diverged in a wood,and I / I took the one less traveled by, / And that has made all the difference.

Continued from FRESHMAN: Page 2

By Larry Sellers 70

April 30, 1969

CROZIER CENTERLords of Kenyon, -pened. We all hoped and prayed it neverwouldwe asked our rich and powerful political sectors to prevent its occur-rencebut it seems the dreaded hippies

Women are coming to Kenyon . . . as stu-dents.

After years of academic achievement andnumerous outstanding feats of mascu-linity, the weaker sex will descend uponGambier next fall to corrupt us with theirhysteria and peculiar sensitivities.

I still cant believe this, said MichaelShanks 70. Kenyon College was found-ed with the expressed purpose of keepingwomen out. Thats why its on a hill!

Shankss theory is correct. Upon consul-by Philander Chase himself in 1824, theredoes indeed exist a matter-of-fact refer-ence to the bishops disdain for all thingswomanly:

Verily, be it hereforthwith decreed inthis year one thousand eight hundred andtwynty-fore of our LORD Jesus Christ, nowomanfolk shall be permitted to set theirfeete upon the grounds of yon Kenyonnoses of the men and drive them towardsavage and Indianish behavior. Any fe-male found on campus shall be tarred andfeathered with the greatest haste.

The trustees, likely under the threat oftheir wives withholding sex, have votedto have this passage stricken from theCharter.

Kenyon, once a hotspot for all things gentle-manly, will likely be reduced to a shadowof its former self with the arrival of women.

Regular activities such as pipe-smokingduring class and unrestricted use of the Cword are expected to disappear next term.

No Kenyon man has taken the news harderthan everybodys favorite bachelor Williamof Men at Kenyon College. Crozier, whosehome on Wiggin Street is known to studentsas the Crozier Center for Misogyny, hasbeen entertaining and educating the menof Kenyon since he himself was a studenthere. Crozier could not be reached for com-ment, having retreated into seclusion at theannouncement of the oncoming admittanceof women.

The Crozier Center, where the air was once seized by college authorities and is to be con-verted into the Crozier Center for Women.

Sacrilege, I say, to any true Kenyon lord.

Bill always threw the best parties, saidDick Hornblower 69. Hed bus in girls fromwomens colleges to come and party hereAnd, lemme tell you, these werent the up-tight, prudish college girls you read aboutthese were the ones who were really up forswingin the Dickie.

Wild Bill was a real swell guy, Hornbloweradded. Im gonna miss him.

Bills bachelor pad is to be handed over tohis (for good reason) unmarried cousin Doriswho is probably the last woman any Kenyonman would want to neck with. No one knowsexactly what services the new Crozier Centerwill provide, but one can expect that swinginparties and easy women are not a top priority

termed President) William G. Caples has as-sured the Kenyon student body that the CrozierCenter will continue to provide prophylactics

From the Archives:Kenyon To Admit Women:Crozier Center For Misogyny To Be Renamed

Is This Cream Cheese Or Butter?

Bill Crozier and a friend in happier times.

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By Skeeter Demiglace

GUND COMMONSFandango, an annual tradition that cel-ebrates a milestone for seniors, was brought to to a screeching halt-tors, and a belligerent crowd as causes for shutting down the event.Ironically, as Dean of Students, Gocial helped craft and implementthe new party policy that mandates party registration and account-ability.

were throwing up in the bushes outside Gund came streaming in.Associate Professor of English Jim Carson was found in a puddle ofhis own vomit, reciting Henry Fielding to the shrubs he was keeledover.

We thought the scene outside was outrageous, but then we wentinside and were shocked by what we saw, remarked Felipe Este-

Security stormed Gund Commons in riot gear and found DeanGocial and President Nugent taking keg stands by the stage wherecampus jazz band The Two Timers were performing. Gocial reallyseemed to be getting into the swing of things, senior Starquee-sha Gerard remarked. She even tried to push a little sticky icky, ifyou know what Im sayin. You know that purple kush? That magic

dragon, ya feel? That ganj, that straight marijuana. Gerard added:When I told her I didnt want her shwaggy weed, she called me amusty-ass jellybag. Then she started pop-locking.

Dean Gocial denied all the allegations, telling Security that she wassimply enjoying a hand-rolled cigarette. When asked if she regu-larly smoked cigarettes, she answered, Only when Im drunk.

Gocial blamed Assistant Professor of Anthropology Sam Pack forpushing the marijuana. When confronted with Gocials allegations,Pack said, Yo, homeslice, the Native Americans used to get highoff the doobie and the Native Americans are fresh. Security cuffedPack and handed him over to a Knox County Sheriff deputy.

Gocial, Nugent, and Carson were all driven home by campus safety,despite protests by Gocial. Im cool, bitches! I can drive! Watch,Im going to walk in a straight line, she said before falling into a

tree and knocking out two teeth.No word yet as to whether Gocial, Nugent, and Carson will face

judicial action.

Gocial Fails To Register Fandango; Security Raids RagerBy Luther Honeybucket and Sheridan Whiteside

MANNINGIn a move that stunned the small community ofGambier on Thursday, the room of Bryan Shelangoski, Assis-tant Director of Housing and Residential Life, was raided by theKnox County SWAT team on a tip reportedly supplied by a sourceknown only as Gilligan.

The evidence was disturbing.

Brian [sic] Shelangosky [sic] had been employed by [Michael

Vicks 15-acre] Bad Newz Kennels in Surry County, VA, for threeyears prior to his Kenyon employment, read the anonymous tip.

Vick, who was incarcerated in December 2007, declined to com-ment, but implied that Shelangoski had left Bad Newz due to cre-ative differences.

-ber, Sheriff of Knox County. Wed suspected this guy for years,Barber said. Come on. Just look at him. Unfortunately, we hadnothing from which to build a charge.

But when, in January of this year, Shelangoski made the mistakeof handing a Community Advisor a $20 bill that was smearedwith dog blood, Barber knew his old suspicions werent in vain.

Indeed, the anonymous tip corroborated evidence that the recent-

ey won between 2003 and 2006.

Shelangoski is currently recovering in the Mount Vernon Hospitalwith Taser burns, Mace sores, and a 12-gauge shotgun round tothe chest. He is awaiting trial on multiple accounts.

His dog, however, was not so lucky.

We were in the process of apprehending the suspect when wewere attacked by a small, hypoallergenic yapper, said Barber.

It was kind of cute, he continued, chuckling at the recollection.Unfortunately, we had to neutralize the assailant. We had no ideawhat that thing was trained to do.

Resident Josephine McCaskey 11 needed time to collect the -

lieve Bryan would do something like that. But at least that fuckingdog is dead. That thing was more annoying than reading thoseres-life emails.

Meanwhile, Barber can rest easy knowing that his longtime sus-pect has been subdued. As the saying goes, he said, you just

Shelangoski Linked To Michael Vick Dogfighting Ring

By Sheridan WhitesideEATON CENTER NORTHIn light of recent economic hardship,the Board of Trustees decided to hold an emergency summit in or-

The endowment has been cut nearly in half, and we have abouta billion Graham Gund projects going on right nowprojects we

simply cant afford, said David Knowlton 80 P12.But where to hold the meeting? The trustees wanted to choose a

The worst thing about Dubai is the heat, said Donald Hebb Jr.64, slipping on his ski mask and preparing to race down the 25-story indoor ski slope. You would think that they could at least putup a shade in space to make things cooler around here.

Weve truly fallen on hard times, Hebb said.

Temperatures can reach up to 117 degrees in Dubai, but the othertrustees have their own ways of cooling off. We need to rethinkthe way the school handles its budget, said Carla R. Ainsworth95, reclining in a pool of champagne and shooting coy looks at

her sexy waiter. The age where we can afford things like studentclubs and the Horn Gallery has ended.

Some, like T. John Parker 75 P05 & 09, think even more drasticmeasures are necessary. He was available for comment on hisprivate, palm-shaped island.

Two words: budget cuts, he continued. Here we are, livingin shambles, and were allowing students to complain about theMongolian grill? Its SPAM from here on out, you little spoiledshits, he said angrily, between mouthfuls of Beluga caviar and

You think this is easy for us? Ainsworth said, exasperated. Iswear on Philanders grave, one more word about crappy showerpressure and Im going to up the lead content in the water.

The trustees are expected to share the results of the summit some-time in 2010, Hebb said, although we may need more time.

Trustees To Hold Emergency Financial Summit

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