Kenyon Collegiate Issue 1.6

8/3/2019 Kenyon Collegiate Issue 1.6

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Virginia Crack Dealers To Headline Send-Oy Cornelius Coot

The Collegiatesinvestigative jour-nalism branch is

oud to report that thisars Send-off band

ll be Clipse, a Vir-nia-area crack-dealingo who moonlight as

acclaimed hip-hopoup. Malice and Pu-a T, two brothersm Norfolk, Virginia,ll be dropping streetowledge on Kenyonsmpus on April 25.Send-off, the annuallebration of open-airations, is expectedbecome violent as

ademic colleagues

come vicious en- ack nugget blendingwith the pebbles on

iddle Path. In lieu ofditional spring addi-ns like a moon bounce or cot-

n candy, this years Send-off willovide students with a chance toup on their rocks at rededicated

crack houses such as Peirce Puband Weaver Cottage.

Malice and Pusha T, whose realnames are, respectively, Gene andTerrence Thornton, were once

proud college students, but decid-ed to drop out and pursue a life ofcrime.

We didnt do it cause we hadtowe come from a good home,

says Malice. Wecause we wanted you know, the sha

And its the beto get the hos, Pusha T.

Despite their r

tion, Social Boagerly pursued thas an ideal musicresentation of Kenvalues. Assistant tor of Student ActHank Fu looked optimism the brwill bring.

In the past wthat the bands wefocused on musictertainment. Thisstudents should pbe yelled at abo

possibilities of a in cocaine. Stshould really taklyrics to heart, lifavorite ditty: Lshow you how to

Break pies to pieces / Contucaine quiches / Money pileas my nieces! Who couldnfrom a life experience like th

C O L L E G I A T E E X C L U S I V

merican Studies

ecedes From College

Editorializing

Rampant In ArticleOn Hate CrimeBy Phylenia Odious

PEIRCE HALLIn a surprisemove that tipped their hand, theeditors of the Collegian sided lastweek with a student who scrawledracial slurs at Taft apartments.Rather than calling the event a hatecrime, consistent as it was with

any of various crimes (as assaultor defacement of property) when

motivated by hostility to thtim as a member of a groone based on color, creedder, or sexual orientation

Collegian cleverly called cident a hate crime.y Skeeter Demiglace

OCONNOR HOUSEurces close to the Collegiate merican Studies departmentll secede from Kenyon Collegefective immediately. Plagued

a woeful lack of enrollmentd a curriculum that resembles reet Elementary, President

Georgia Nugent insisted thatutting down the department is

e only way the college can beaccredited.

News broke early last week thatAmerican Studies Chair Peter Rut-koff proposed an alternative com-prehensive senior exercise for the

class of 2010: a trip to Paris in thewinter, followed by a group seniorexercise.

The American Studies depart- the unconventional, said Rut-koff. An all-expenses-paid tripto France is the only real waystudents can learn about this greatcountry we call home, he added.

The college began its investiga-tion of the department earlier thisyear after rumors circulated that itwas allowing seniors a lot of lee--

nal projects would be.(Continued on Page 2)

(Continued on P

INSIDE THIS ISSUE

Strain Of Drug-ResistaMarch Madness Ravag

Campus

Shlimp-Flied Lice To low Dat Good Gumb

Open Season Declared Peirce Doves

Editorial: Oh My God, I

So Fat


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Professor of Linguistics Thom-Grange commented, The usequotation marks indicating sar-sm or skepticism has a storiedstory in journalism, from theussian newspaper Pravda report-g in 1937 Lazy Party Membersoan About Gulags to Sudanshartoum Monitor recently re-rting that Western Worrywarts

I colored two Disney ing books for comps, said American Studies major red, white and blue. Those a

Fresca Johnson 09 enjowant to be a journalist, shso I had my friends write afor me and I put them in a ne

per. It was alternative and grBut not everyone share

Johnsons enthusiasm. I wto drink a 30-rack of Budby myself and then write aabout it, said Bryce FullertoWikipedia doesnt reallythat much information on thtory of 30-racks, so I think have to change my topic. Isure if I have enough inform

The Board of Trustees meApril 25 to determine the fthe program.

y Dan Schlumphrey

OLIN ART GAL-ERYA crudelyinted 20-foot phal-s covering the wallsthe Olin Art Gallery

as revealed not to bework of vandalism,t the senior exercise

art major Richardack.The senior exercise,ed Father (Phallo-ntered), promptedallery Director Danounger to request im-ediate assistance from Mainte-nce on Sunday afternoon. Buthen Custodial Supervisor Mikeeen arrived, he was turned awayBlack himself, who was settinghis artists statement in prepara-n for Monday nights exhibitionening.Nothing against Blacks ar-tic credibility, Younger said,ut I was sure it was some kindprank. Good thing it's not, be-

use one more set of genitals onmpus and we would've had an-

other one of those We Are Kenyoncampaigns.

Fellow art majors Shauna Za-gory 09 and Glenn Keyes 09were more than willing to surren-der gallery space to Blacks work,even going so far as to let Father(Phallocentered) cover portionsof their own pieces.

I think its brilliant, Keyessaid. In Blacks work sexualityis an unmitigated presence. Morecrass than cerebral, he challeng-es traditional notions of sex andmasculinity by deconstructing the

idea of the phallus andrebuilding it as a gen-dered dialectical op-position between con-sumable art and malepenetrative imagery.

Zagory agreed: Itsabsolute in its simplic-ity. Being minimal-i s t i ncor po r a t i ng

nothing but spray paintand wallFather isstripped of the moreextraneous aspects ofpainting, and thus pos-its that art itself is ablank slate on which to

project images of our own 20-footpenises.

Black says: Love art. Simul-taneously, he says: Fuck art.

[Father] is the apotheosis ofhis career, Keyes concluded.

When questioned, Black hadlittle to tell us. Its all in my 3000-word artists statement, he said.Besides that, Ill just let my penisspeak for itself.

The senior exercises of Black,Keyes, and Zagory will be on dis-play between April 6 and April 17.

uspected Senior Prank Actually Studio Art Senior Exercise COLLEGIATESTAGeneral

Skeeter Demiglace

Supreme Allied CommaCornelius Coot

Dictator-for-LifeDan Schlumphrey

Polar Kraken

Montana Criminitely

Master CounselorStillwater Stevens

Token WomanMildred Gout

Assistant to Token WomPhylenia Odious

Gentleman About TowSaul Oldman

Key Grip

Tigger French

Loping LabradoodleSheridan Whiteside

Ambassador to CanadDiesel Jackson

Starving ArtistGordelo Bombom

Founder/Editor EmeriLouis Francis Albert Vic

Nicholas Collegiate, 1st ECollegiate of Ohio, KG, G

GCSI, GCIE, GCVO

ealthy Caucasian Kenyon Student With Connections Gets Paid Summer Internshipy Tigger French

llegian on March 24, summerernships, spurred by the eco-mic crisis, have decreased by

%. Luckily, some Kenyon stu-emselves summer employment.Sasha Donnenfeld, a freshmanm New York City, felt like Cin-rella with the glass slipper whene saw the managing editor of theall Street Journalon the elevatorher Upper West Side high-rise.It was really weird, she said.urns out he lives right under

me! I told him how I felt about thewar in Iraq and he offered me a jobright on the spot.

Donnenfeld seemed puzzled asor internships. CDC Director Stew

Peckham, who was available forcomment after his daily piano les-son, praised Donnenfeld for herhard work and ingenuity.

Putting yourself out there likeSasha did is what gets you a job,he continued. Your Kenyon edu-cation and your smiling face willget you anywhere in life. The factthat shes been blessed with anobscene amount of social capital

doesnt hurt, either.The CDC continued by praising

the classlessness of a liberal-artseducation, the Great Equalizer.We are all here to learn with equalopportunity, and, with a little luck

and a lot of hard work, qualitysummer internships and job op-portunities are available to all stu-dents upon graduation.

On a side note, Peckhamstressed that working at summercamps are a very popular and vi-able option for those students whodont bump into managing editorsin the elevator.

(From SECEDES: Page 1)

rom HATE CRIME: Page 1) Wail about Genocide in Darfur.Im pleased that the Collegian hasadded its name to this list.

The relatively recent spate ofhate speech in areas as diverse aswhiteboards, the Caples elevator, been altogether derided for theiroffensive nature. The Collegianhas taken a bold step by underwrit-ing this incident, perhaps hoping

that in the future, more students,faculty, and administrators willspeak out against the suppressionof hate crimes at Kenyon.

I think the reaction to theseincidents is always really one-sided, commented senior OrrySkokum, so its great to see Ken-yon live up to its mission of diver-sity and support both sides of thisissue.

ubic Hair For The Souly Phylenia Odious

n Afghani weed forest on Mira-e-Gro? A festering nest of wild

thornberries? A knitting bag full ofburlap sacks? These are all thingsmy mons pubis has been called!And Im just sick of it! I just pre-existing on my skin with a sharp

blade. Seriously, have you guys,and I do mean GUYS, ever put arazor next to your holiest of ho-lies? Didnt think so! In any case,its like my dear old Nana used to

(Continued on Page 3)


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Run The Sun Start Ohio Tour; Local Teen Girls In DanBy Diesel Jackson

GASKIN AVENUEIn a show that kicked offtheir Ohio tour, Run the Sun, an alternative pop/rock band comprised solely of Kenyon students andbroke quite a few.

It is reported that over 13 people were injured atthe bands show at the Village Inn this past Satur-day. Most peculiar, however, is that all the injuredparties are freshman girls.

The girls, man, its like they had targets on theirheads, said Joel Ortiz, owner and manager of theVillage Inn. Never seen anything like it. Droppin

The girls sustained a variety of injuries: one con-tracted scabies; one broke out in hives; and anothergirl, Amanda Klein 12, endured what can only bedescribed as heartache.

Ive never seen or read about anything like this,commented Dr. Franz Witt, the Emergency Re-sponse doctor on call Saturday night at Knox Coun-ty Hospital. Its sort of like how you can strain aquadriceps with hyperextension. She sort ofIdont knowstrained her heart muscles.

The whole thing is a little hazy, said Klein on

Monday, but all I know is when [frontman] Nicolas

Cover art of Run the SunsAnt

ndoor Kid Reporty Tim Avery 12

Boy oh boy! What a Saturday thatas!It all started pretty innocentlyough, me and all my best friendscBride. Ben [Johansson 12] wasere and so were Tina [Grabowski2], Jessie [Moore 12], and Robbieolbert 12]. Even Will [Basker-le 12] showed up and he never

aves Mather! We were all play-g some board games, starting outth simple stuff like Scrabble andonoploy before eventually mov-

g on to more high-level stuff likettlers [of Catan]. My roommateeven [McLeod 12] was out of theom for the night because hes beenedging and its their Hell Week ormething so we didnt have to wor-about him being around to bug us.It was around 10:00 or so when

e all decided that we should take aeak from playing and maybe watchepisode or two ofCowboy Bebop

essies never seen it before! Canu believe that?). Halfway throughtray Dog Strut Sam [Hoffman2] came over with a Sprite bottle

start drinking it.Now Im no stranger to alcohol,

ve been to my share of parties,t I wasnt really in the mood todrinking that night. I had a mid-

rm this week and didnt want tohungover while studying on Sun-

y. Besides, I really dont like theste of vodka. Still, Sam was prettyrsuasive and convinced me whensaid I could put it in some Coke

d it wouldnt taste as bad. So, I ranwnstairs and got a Coke from thending machine and began to drink.I was starting to get worried thaty RA was going to hear all thisise coming from my room and

rite all of us up for underage drink-g and noise violations, I meanobbie had started playing a bunch

Killers songs on my laptop andhink the volume was all the way! So I told everyone that wedve to go somewhere else, when

en suggested we go to the Villagen (which is a bar I guess) and seee band that was playing there, theoonwalkers or something.I was a bit concerned on accountthe fact that none of us were 21

hough we had all been drinking, so. whoops!) and that we wouldnt be

able to get in but Ben assured me that they wouldntbe asking to see our IDs at the bar and we would getin.

When we got there, it was packed! I dont thinkIve ever seen so many people in any one place ex-cept for Lower Dempsey! I went to the bar to get adrink, but I was pretty buzzed already so I ordereda cherry Coke. I really cant have more than one ortwo shots of alcohol in a night anyway.

The band seemed to be playing pretty good butthey were really loud and I couldnt talk to myfriends. After a couple of their songs (that one calledAngina is pretty good) and about four more Cokes to me. She was really pretty and seemed nice. Wetalked about how much we both like (I should say

likedshe was a junior, I think) Quest For JShe asked me if I wanted to get some fresh aiI have a girlfriend whos still in high schoohome so I said no (I think she wanted to hawith me).

After the band stopped playing, we all wentIt was getting near 1:00 in the morning so I dto go to bed. All in all it was a very fun Sathough probably a little too overwhelming ftastes.

me up, though I did my best not to let himI was awake. He had sex with this girl he brback with him. Im going to masturbate to thatshower tomorrow.

By A Tree

MIDDLE PATHHithere. I dont usually dothis kind of thing. Usu-ally I just enjoy rustlingsoftly in the breeze orproviding shade. I reallylike watching the dogswalk by and the frisbeeteam practice. But, hey,

you know what I dontlike? Having human mammaries stapled to my face.

doesnt feel? That shit carries nutrients, people. WhenI have to divert nutrients because a staple is in the way,Id like to think its for a good cause, like a missingpuppy. Not your tits.

I guess I should feel grateful thats the only indignitysuffered upon me this year. No blood and sloughagehas been nailed to my face! Huzzah! Then there wasthe sperm. I have never been more humiliated thanwhen you desecrated me with human ejaculate.

And all those awful, awful slogans.These breasts are not for your viewing pleasure,

you say? I am a tree. I seldom derive pleasure from

anything but the nesting of robins in my woody nooks.

y, a festering case of syphiliticcers, oral and genital herpes, and,course, crabs. In conclusion, you

ould not judge women for notaving their cooches! you shouldt judge women for not shavingeir cooches!

rom PUBIC: Page 2)

I Am Sick Of All This Shit On My Bark The

Return

Of Gossip

Squirrel!Wakey wakey, Kenyon scholars. Sprin

came and it seems winter wants more. Budoesnt!

Word in the woods is that the Psi-Uterrevolted against their spouses and decidseek nuts on greener pastures.

The Peeps impersonate security to shuta party. How crass. I love it.

You know you love me.XOXO,Gossip Squirrel

Patricia 09 hit that high note in the chorus onormal Paranoia Sundance my heart started like crazy. Oh, shit, Im gonna be late for Que

Ortiz commented that the show wasnt evedythe injuries seemed to just happen spoously.

Elizabeth George 12 is still in critical condiKnox County Hospital after suffering a strok

ing the bands cover of Drops of Jupiter.

Sir Wood Arbory.


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y Mildred Gout

PEIRCE HALLDespite overwhelmingidence of dwindling workloads, increased

me spent perusing apartments on Craigslist, illage Inn and Cove, seniors are still abso-tely goddamn swamped with comps.Redford Gregory 09, an English major,

hose to skip Dantes Divine Comedy ononday morning in favor of eating a ponder-us breakfast in Peirce. Im just so stressedut, man, He said, taking a bite of his coldheat toast. Im paralyzed. I tried to get up

nd go to class, but I couldnt. These comps,eyre just pinning me down. When told thatnglish examinations for non-honors studentsnded weeks ago, Gregory shook his head.Theyre still going on, man. In my head, Im

always studying for comps.

Stress Delusion Disorder (PCSDD), hasplagued Kenyons campus for years. Its avery serious problem that weve been deal-ing with for a long time now, Interim Pro-vost Howard Sacks said. You give a bunch ofdirectionless seniors a purpose, and suddenlythey turn into a yammering crowd of self-

obsessed, self-important pricks. Give a mana test, and hell take it in a day. Give a mancomps, and hell talk about it for a lifetime.

Gregorys roommate, Fred Hulemann 09, apolitical science major, failed to apply for animportant summer fellowship due to PCSDD.Im completely stressed out. I havent sleptin hours. I dont even know what day of theweek it is. And dont even get me started onthe presidential election.

Seniors Still Using Comps As ExcuseBy That Guy

If I were a rich man . . . yaddle deedle ddidle deedle didle didle dum

Oh, I didnt see you there! If you hadnticed, I cant stop singing showtunes!

Seriously, have you ever just started sia song from a Broadway musical and jusstop? Thats what it sort of started like f

this morning. When I was going to my I just suddenly broke out in a stirring renof Oh What a Beautiful Mornin fromhoma! and I havent been able to stop sin

There is nothing like a dame! Nothingwooooooooooooorld!

Gosh! Just give it a try! What are you, tone? Yousound likea baritone.Most guysare. Im atenor my-self. I didm u s i c a l s

in highs c h o o l ,c o u l d n tyou tell?You knowwhat my fa-vorite showis? Youguessed it:C a b a r e t !Not manyp e o p l eknow it aswell as theyshould. Everyone knows the movie versi

cause it won all those Oscars, but did youthey cut most of the songs out from the orstage version? Well they did!

Willkommen! Bienvenue! Welcome Fremde, etranger, stranger . . .

I was never in Cabaret in high schoolhave the original cast recording and Imthe fan so I know all of the songs. But wwas in was SondheimsInto the Woodswshow! People say Sondheim writes musicpeople who dont like musicals but I thinhes one of the best broadway composers-lyricists out there. I got that box set of hChristmas and I cant stop listening to it!

Agony! Beyond power of speech, whone thing you want is the only thing out o

reach.Now, I didnt play Cinderellas Prince

was his understudy. I never really did hstarring role in high school but I was awinvolved nonetheless. That reminds meyou know that I know the entirety of MMajor-General from Pirates? Because Here we gooooo . . .

I am the very model of a modern mgeneral! Ive information vegetable, aand mineral! I know the kings of EnglanWaterloo, in order categorical . . .

That Perspectiv

y Montana Criminitely

BOLTON THEATERLast weekend sawe opening and closing of Kenyons last mainge show of the year,Much Ado About Noth-

g. Professor of Drama Martine Green wentrecord earlier in the week saying that she

anted her production to capture the simplic-of Shakespeare.

I say: Mission Accomplished.The simplicity started even before theow. People in street clothes were wander-g around the stage practicing how to juggle.othings simpler than T-shirts and jeans. Imearing those right now!Then there were the originally composedwer ballads shoehorned into the script.een could have chosen to plop an entireass band onstage but showcased only onengle, unasked for guitar. As the Frenchould say, Simple.Not that a brass band wouldnt have beenpropriate. The show was set during Victo-

n times and what simpler setting for Shake-

speare could there be than an era renowned forits decadence?

The dances inserted into the script weremaybe even a little too simple, if such a thingexists. I easily understood the use of moderndance in a show that was written over 400years ago and set over 100 years before themodern day.

Lets not forget all those blackouts either:lights go up, lights go down. What simple, in-nocent fun!

My favorite simple aspect of the show wasthe contemporary ad-libbing that took placerandomly throughout the play. Green wasright to let the cast give old Shakespeare ahand. His scripts are so haphazard that he re-ally needs performers to add in extra lines forsimplicitys sake. Why havent more compa-nies picked up on this?

-cessful production. After trying to reconcileall the above disparate elements I bet even theaudience felt a bit simple!

Much Ado Celebrates Simplicity With Dancing, Singing, Ad-libbing

y Mildred Gout

ompted by gloomy budgetary outlooks, Res-ential Life will pull Kenyons subscription toe fullNew York Times. Instead, Peirce Hallll receive 500 copies of an abridged edition.think weve reached a great compromise,esident S. Georgia Nugent remarked after adgetary meeting. Not only does this meshth our goal of becoming a more green cam-s, but we also can provide a publication thatr students will actually read.Issues of the New York Happy Fun Timesll include the front pages of all sections andfull page of Monday-level crossword puz-es. In investigating how students read theper, weve noticed an overarching pattern,id Vice President for Finance Joe Nelson.irst they shake their heads knowingly at theadlines. Then they look through the Arts

puzzle, which they rip out and bring to theirmorning class.After hearing rumors that Kenyon would

cancel its subscription altogether, most stu-dents were relieved to hear the news. I wouldabsolutely die without theNew York Times. Itreally keeps me informed. Helen Freedholm11 said on Monday, carefully penciling inStreep for clue 40-down, Meryl _____, ofThe Devil Wears Prada.

Some students, however, were distressed bythe change. Are we still going to get Thurs-day Styles? asked Francis Freach 09, wheninformed of theNew York Happy Fun Timessformat.

Nelson urged calm, reassuring students thatall articles pertaining to trivial shit no one out-side Manhattan cares about will be availablein their unabridged forms at www.nytimes.com.

enyon Phases Out New York Times Subscription, Offers Abridged Edition

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Kenyon Collegiate Issue 1.6