Kenyon Collegiate Issue 1.8

8/3/2019 Kenyon Collegiate Issue 1.8

1/4

Centipedes, Bats Cant Wait To Meet New RoommatBy Mildred Gout

As the housing lottery wraps up and ris-ing seniors and juniors look forwardto moving into apartment housing next

fall, Kenyons centipedes and bats excitedlyanticipate their arrival. Me and the guys will -marked Arthur McSpindles, a 100-legged resi-dent of New Apartment A-1, but were really

Theodora Flapperson, an Eastern pipistrellebat who lives in the crawlspace of Acland107A, expressed similar sentiments. We girlshad a great time this year I cant tell you howmany rounds of Where The Hells My Tennisthere was the time I fell into their washing ma-

Hoping to accelerate the bonding processwith their new roommates, Kenyons popula-tion of vermin has revised its Welcome Weekschedule. Campus bats are brushing up on their -pedes scout out new damp places in which tolurk.blast

said Freddie Fangs, a centipede who lithem know Im always available in theirenette sink, you know, in case they ever ntalk. Then Im gonna hide in someones scaddy the next morning, just to shake thinlet them know Im not their average ven

Im really looking forward to dying bert Flynosher, a bat in New Apartment

First Im going to skitter around the perin a feverish haze for a few hours, then Ilall over the place and kind of crawl hadown the drain. Its gonna knock their

While Kenyons pests look forward toing a new class of bewildered, screamindents, they cant help but remember frieTaft Apartment A300. I laid a bunch oin this tub of hummus he left open ove you should have seen his face whe eaten some of them, but no harm, no

Flapperson gets ready to surprise you in your sink.

oem In Your Pocket Daynnoys Negative Nancies,

Wet Blankets, Maintenancey Stillwater Stevens

- s past Friday to distribute free poems to any-ges resident population of spoilsports, cur-udgeons, and all-around fun-suckers bracedemselves for another bitch-fest. om his hand-rolled cigarette.-anna gouge out my eyeballs, roast them, and

added before wiping his glasses on his stained

spot for campus douchebags since it wasfounded by a group of endearingly overeagerEnglish majors in the late 1980s. The traditiondied for nearly a decade, however, when thegroups posters (exhorting passersby to Gettheir nose out of that mound of coke and into a-est among students.

Fellows Merriwick 09 defended the celebra-tion, citing the effusive glow with which it

Merriwick then did three pirouettes on histip-toes and promptly disappeared in a cloud offragrant, maroon-tinted smoke.

INSIDE THIS ISSUE:

4/20 Article Forgotten

Redheads Hide From Sun

Senior Drama Majors ForTo Sit Still For Six Hours

(Continued on Page 3)

By Montana Criminitely

senior drama majors at Kenyon Collegegiven their written comprehensive exam,eling six-hour test split up into two day

jors were given two hours on Friday antively. The Collegiate was able to intestudents leaving their testing stationscompletion Saturday.

Without doubt the hardest part was sing noticeably. I tried to take a break afdance routine and they shut it down. I trishut it down. I tried to monologue, for sake, and they shut it down. Who lets the

Theyre called drama

(Continued on Pa


2/4

Take Back The Night Crowds Delighted By Giant Horned Sybi

Abbot . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Skeeter DemiglaceBadger Lord . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cornelius Coot

Foremole . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dan SchlumphreyDibbun . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Montana CriminitelyLog-a-Log . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Stillwater StevensSkipper of Otters . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mildred GoutDormouse . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Squire . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cellarkeeper . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tigger FrenchHordebeast . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sheridan WhitesideBadger Mother . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Diesel Jackson

COLLEGIATESTAFFOutcast of Redwall . . . . . . . .

Starving Artist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Gordelo 3000

Consultants . . . . Martin the Warrior, Cregga Rose

Interns . . . . . . . . - -givere, Tsarmina Greeneyes, Mariel Gullwhacker, -ethief, John Ripfang, Swartt Sixclaw, Ambrose Spike

Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . . . . . Albert Victor Nicholas Collegiate, 1st Earl Col-

(From POEM: Page 1)

Kenyon College Maintenance employeesere equally unhappy about the poetic fete: Inestly dont mind picking up the scraps of pa-

askewich said. But if I catch sight of another

ally spend 40 grand a year to spout shit you

Res Life Sponsors Li

Off The Hill SeminarOn Disguising EmergeAlcoholism

y Montana Criminitely

ack the Night carnival was this Saturday andatured a number of playfully innocent diver-ant horned Sybian.The device itself, which featured a saddled rope to hold onto as the shock of an elec-c orgasm rocketed through the body, is often

ed for autoerotic purposes. At Take Back theght, however, the pleasure device was oper-

ed by local sex-machine worker Cryll Cusker.I was contacted by that there Social Boardply my God-given gifts for stimulating theung at their anti-sex fair. Made sense to me.you aint havin the sex, why not get yourselfWith a little help from ol Arnold, of

masturbatory aid affectionately.

Cusker indeed proved himself a master ofhis craft during the fair. Throughout the nighthis voice could be heard over the crowd invit-ing one and all to take a try at his panty-wetter. -

cornucopia of varied vibrations meant to stimu-

late the clitoris and induce arousal.Boys were also welcomed to get in on non-

threatening sex-positive fun, although, whenpleasuring boys, Cuskers heart did not seem tobe in it quite as much. Women were treated toa hunched, leering, mustachioed posture, indi-cating Cuskers total investment in their even-tual climax but boys got only a lackadaisicalbuck and spin.

How am I supposed to massage my pand testicles when that denim-wearing Harein 09. I was expecting the same b voyeurism he showed the girls, and al

Head of Social Board Kyle Hornbecoffered his sincere apologies to the malelation of Kenyon. We were hoping that

spirit of Take Back the Night, men and walike would have the opportunity to hstrange man tease their genitals into a suncontrollable sexual urgency.

al, lank, and greasy operator for the pl

By Dan Schlumphrey

cerns brought forward by the class of toward Kenyon seniors on the fast trackworking world.

According to Alicia Dugas, Dean of St handshaking, eye contact, over-articutoo valuable to send into the world of psional drinking with simple Kenyon skil

cago for a job interview with a Kenyonthinks Session #4 will prove to be invalu

The woman who interviewed me had

is that drinking behavior deemed sociaceptable in college is very different fromreal world. We hope to get the message that while they may have no hope of cthis destructive indulgence, they can amask it from friends, coworkers, and by limiting their binges to times when ipropriate like at business dinners, andalone, after work, on low-budget liquor

Director Bryan Shelangoski agreed. E

one starts riding a bike hic with tr

Ken Campbell were collaborating on tests

never make an audience sit through somethinglike that. I mean, even Copenhagen didnt-

say portion she could barely remember thewords to Shakespeares sonnets.

I turned them all into raps because Shake-speare is just so perfect for hip-hop. But when Istood up and started to beat-box, getting myself came over and asked me to sit down. Memo-

but offered an explanation to students com-plaints.It seems like every year we have this prob-

lem. We let the little fellas do their theses hop-ing itll tucker them out, but it never does.Come April theyre just bursting at the seamsof the department I made them run laps before-hand, but that just made the smell even worse.

costumes, trapdoors, or applause.Would a standing ovation have been too

a not a wait, what the fuck doesnt have

(From DRAMA: Page 1)


3/4


4/4

hat Prospie Perspective

Kenyon has a wonderful reputation. Didtually, he completed obably didnt know that most Kenyonudents actually dont.I read the course catalog cover to cover.

do that at all the schools I visit, because I

ally think thats the best way to get a feel ho lead tours; they hardly ever know, for in-nce, how many triple majors there are in a

ven class, or what my position as head of mymerica club can do for me. Im actually theunder, too.For instance, tour guides will often ask

hether there are science majors in a touroup. I raise my hand and tell them that Im -nal Neuroscience. They usually look at me ppens a lot in high school too.

When I visit a school, I like to email theofessors in my area of interest, because hav-g a professor endorse you as a candidate formission can go a long way. They are usu-y really busy, so they dont always get backme; but Im sure they forward my emailedKenyon is really just a safety school any-e 34 schools I applied to, Im hoping to get

over the past weekend including the neverending spill-over of prospective students intosurvey courses, a homeless man was discov-ered being interviewed at Ransom Hall. When

no one showed up for senior interviewer JanetDooglebones 2 p.m. interview, she thoughtshe had a no-show. Dooglebone was preparingto leave when a man dressed in tight ripped

jeans, maybe childrens size, and a shreddedan interesting scent, a beard, and played mul-

Dooglebone assumed this man was justone of those quirky kids that Kenyon Collegebird emerged from his beard, it dawned uponher that something was awry. She also notedthat the man was drinking something out ofa paper bag, and suspected it was a 40-ounce

containter of malted liquor but upon further in-

spection she realized it was rubbing alcohthink it was when he asked me if all homshelters in Gambier had fake crows on th bulb turned on in my head, and I realizethis man was homeless, not just a really

told the Collegiate that she was going him apply late, and if he could afford tthen they would consider admitting him.man with no home represents a demogrsaid. We look forward to admitting

Dooglebone decided the encounter was ative experience.The man was last seen in Ransom

SA.

Homeless Man, Mistaken For Quirky ProspectiStudent, Interviewed At Admissions

By Skeeter Demiglace

Collegiate -est archers from the Kenyon College Archery-day to end the four-day confrontation betweenSomali pirates and the Kenyon Sailing Team on

Somali pirates have become increasingly au-

dacious in their attacks, recently commandeer-Servery. As Knox County spirals into a teemingbubble of anarchy, the pirates have demandeda strong centralized government. They havepledged to continue capturing liberal arts col-lege students and holding the valuable vessels$1.5 million ransom for the return of two paddleboats captured by the insurgents.

The pirates struck boldly, ambushing the Ke-nyon Sailing Team while they were practicingfor their annual regatta. Using Macintosh andBraeburn apples as weapons, the pirates quicklyoverwhelmed Captain John Wasp 09 and heldhim hostage while the rest of the crew managedto jump off their boats and swim to shore.

Archery Club Saves Sailing Team From Somali Pira

ta Kappa Epsilon member and First Bitcvis Munson 12. He told me he was gobe working at a major investment bank in

Tension mounted as spectators witnwas seen forcing an apple into Wasps mo

for negotiation, ordered the elite Kenyochery Club into position behind the sailbowas carrying the pirates and the captain.

released today. Three arrows, three dead

Wearing specially designed quiverequipped with glow-in-the-dark arrowsharp-shooting archers simultaneouslydown three of the pirates.

A fourth, younger member of the piratehad defected earlier in their takeover attafter seeing the elite squad of archers arrthe scene. He is currently awaiting a militstudent tribunal in a holding cell in the

ment of the Church of the Holy Spirit.After his rescue, Captain Wasp was

home to his beloved Bullseye and foundin relatively good condition. His Topsidebroken-in Nantucket red khakis took mabuse from his captives.

Robin Hoodlum 10, one of the archers invin the special operation. My girlfriendlike to wear our quivers with us wherevgo, but we get weird looks from people. W

The Kenyon Archers were greeted as hwhen they returned to campus late last evsaid Hoodlum to his girlfriend. I dont

Documents

Kenyon Collegiate Issue 1.8