Kenyon Collegiate Issue 2.8

8/3/2019 Kenyon Collegiate Issue 2.8

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y Satchmo Dirk Jerkins

AMBIER Last weekend, our Lord inaven decided to squat over His divine toiletwl and plop a majestic pile of snowy God-it all over our beautiful campus. The creator

th the starry content of His bowels after 8

e shitstorm.Weve shut down the roads for now, ex-

ained Head of Safety & Security Bob Hooper

uck in this crappy swill.

-

-

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Lords excrement, and Joe Hanford 13 evencalled home to tell his parents how beautiful theshit piled outside his window was.

Behold, declared God in a recent pressrelease from Heaven, I have blessd thy holy

-

I dont mean to dis Him, said Hooper, butit was a little uncool. We just werent preparedfor this dump. We were so concerned with thesneeze in Haiti.

off another loaf of manna on our heads in the

DiNostro 10. But if He wills it, then Im sureits for the best.

Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip. Vol. 2, Issue 8 February 10, 2010

Upper Norton Arrives En Masse, DJoe M. Amamas--

your medium-sized party, drank all of theer, and then left.One of the 20-member swarms leaders,

ke Lepore 13, said, We were pound-

mith 13] called to tell us that hed seen

Sources say that by 10:03 p.m. the pack-

een Middle Path and McBride, where theyited two minutes for a skinny, overdressed

-

sted, Lepore reminisced.

-side of your place at 10:11 by a series of crisp,loud knocks on your door, which scared the shitout of you and the few handfuls of friends you

-ster freshman then let himself into your home,

behind him.

the little tykes had supplementary beers their pockets, and all of them went back ou

stood in your corner and talked only to eaother about how lame your party was.

By 10:23 they all left, but not before spi

said Lepore. It took me a while to realize

ness that a lack of anonymity demands, a

God Takes Giant Dump On CamEmpty ToileRoll Still O

room of Bexley apartment 103 has still nbeen replaced, sources reported Monday. De

taken the time to remove the roll and replace with a new one.

a day since the paper ran out, none have yplaced the cardboard cylinder in the trash bilocated centimeters away from the toilet.

time Im in there, said apartment resideMike Flanders 10. Why doesnt someone jusput a new one on?

not even one of those toilet paper holders wher

just pull the roll off.It takes literally four seconds, he added.As of press time, a new roll of toilet pap

had been unwrapped and placed on top of thtoilet.

Kenyons Oldest Comedy Troupe

G ET T HE C OLLEGIATE DELIVERED TO YOUR E - MAIL INBOX !

E-M AIL MAILING LIST TOKENYON .COLLEGIATE @ GMAIL .COM

The Upper Norton class of 2013.


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IGGIN ST A team of researchers at Johns

e not, as previously assumed, unique and spe-al.

--

-

ct variations in texture and pattern, somee left as pale imitations of their more notableers.

obably been taken. And if thats the case,-

ore?-

unity with mixed results. One nondescript

nial. Theres so much uniqueness buried un-rneath the surface that electron microscopes

will never be able to capture, said Whats-Her-

When you really think about it, Whats-

-

up to its stepfathers expectations and becomes

business school.

she insisted. Just look at our cookie-cutterstudents. Nine tenths of our early-decision ap-plicants had been to the same African country seventy of whom wrote essays about admin-

And three people voluntarily submitted creative

This is pretty much true every year, sheadded.

them faster.

y Diesel Jackson

-

e past few weeks, their friendship has been

In a new study released Thursday, the Na-onal Institute of Health reported that nearly

om last year.

-

n weekends has turned him into a completelyfferent person. When Roland saw him pound

-

He wasnt always like this, explained Ro-

r hours at a time. Sometimes Ill walk into our

od . . . I just want my friend back.-

nity brother Nathan Saul Messnar, or at least

-day, he drained seven chapters.

However, these chapters seem to be the least

several of his textbooks until the hour before

-

What was I supposed to do? asked Ro-

throw his life away in a short, saturated period

-ly comfortable with his lifestyle. A student-

-

come from within.

need help. Thats how I do it. Some peopletake it a sentence at a time, just one completed

My parents, my friends, they can try to dis-tract me or pace me, but you cant pace a race-

Fat Guy Prob

Theta Pi fraternity and beyond all reason

Football Team. The studys interview process

otherwise unknown members of the fraternityIve always seen him South, which

anonymous participant in the survey, who alsonoted his frequent presence at Peirce Hall

ranks can only be established by nonmember

Beta, a notoriously reclusive and insular fraternity, enlists the mathematical transitivproperty: Fat Dude=Football Player=Beta.

an endeavor that proved, ultimately, fruitlessWe dont know any Betas. I think only Betasknow Betas, observed survey conductor Sa

tion to the eery resemblance of the fraternityto the Masons or some National Treasure shilike that.

to be an ironic hipster fad and assume hicampus residence lay further north, his choicof sandals and a Bonnaroo T-shirt for the fol

these rumors.Despite students best efforts to ascertai

yon, sources were still unsure at press time

Kenyon, Wiggin Rocked By Snowflake Uniqueness

Study Reports Increase In Binge Thinki

RESHMAN G UY S EEKS S ENIOR G IRLpicy Short Side lover seeks Bexley belle

-

N ORTH C AMPUS S EEKING A CLANDS

New Apt. a little lonely. Meanwhile, youve

of shame is not an issue. Hit me on Twitter.

T HAT G IRL S EEKS T HAT G

I N T HE N EXT I SSUE :C OVE -B ASED S TUDY : T WO -T HIRDS O F F RESHMEN O V

P SI U P LEDGE H OLDING O UT F OR A RCHONS

C AMPUS L EVELS OF L EGIT -N ESS R APIDLY D ROPPING

G OD T HANKED FOR E XTRA G ARLIC S AUCE


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Consultant . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Necco

Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis Francis-

C OLLEGIATE S TAFF

Janice Reynolds 10

cuse me, could I talk to you over by the pasta

d the Timberlands. Itll only take a second,romise. Thanks so much, I just didnt wantrest of Pierce to have to hear this. Its no

nini press your dick.

I know I dont look like much in my Ske-ers and Middle Path hoodie, but if theres

-rs twice a semester, so you can bet your sack

m not about to let you slip ahead of me onlydump an entire chicken on your tray. Look

urs.Oh yeah, totally. Im sure you were only try-

ude, what time is, uh, practice or whatev-

r quesadilla. Guess what happens then?

So why dont you take your tray and the twops of Blue Mountain Blast youre double-

the end of the line. If you dont, I swear on -

And trust me, Ill be sure to non-stick sprayur balls, not the press.

YOUCUTME INTHECHICKENTENDER NEAGAINILLPANINI-PRESSYOURDICK

Leno To ReplaAsTalk of the HilHSenior Fandango:Una Noche to RememberJoshua Samuels 12 with professional talk showhost Jay Leno on Talk of the Hill , Samuels

mary impetus for their choice of replacemen

In a press conference held Monday in PeircPub, a spokesperson defended the surprismove as a necessary step to insure that Tthe Hill Leno can truly do justice to an interview wit

He will be up there, every 3 months or so, to deliver the necessary punch to what could provto be a very lucrative franchise.

others.I mean, does [Leno] even listen to Maria

shots in the intros to Jay Lenos previous pro

camp released an apparently candid video o

Many expect Samuels to respond via thT

the Hill book and Twitter accounts, and by Student Info

Buenos tar-des , my ami-gos . I expectyou are, comose dice , sur-

you. For Ionly appearwhen themoon is at hermost tenderand the coy-otes stretchtheir necks tothe sky in onerich yell.

But on this viernes , it shall be mas diferente. This viernes , the seoritasand Capitn Rivera un-hurled-from-the-top-of-el-Bell-tower, for Seor Fandango rides Westto el Gambier . For on this noche , my nios , thisSeor shall be honored at his very own SeorFandango .

I remember as a nio jamn in theshop of my padre si-estas Don Quixote as the city ranrife with corupcin I vowed then that I wouldleave this humble vida for a vida more, comose dice, loca . I vowed that all would know the

realidad .agua , con-

toros , burros and gatos in my path, .

grande Seor Soi-

ree .It may be , but I swear yo will reach t

before the cocks crow.Ol!

-mize but also provide students with a healthy

-mien said about the decision to replace the tra-

the new alternative selection. Trust me, this is

-

--

and hydroponic botanist, added, We have t

However, not all students are as pleased a

his entire fraternity when he said, Are yo

food provider that has the ability to reach outward into the unknown and discover, or, ithis case, re-discover, products that have th

Peirce To Offer Or

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Kenyon Collegiate Issue 2.8