Kenyon Collegiate Issue 3.1

8/3/2019 Kenyon Collegiate Issue 3.1

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Dingo Rockefeller

CBRIDE RESIDENCE HALL rl Worthington 14 has basicallyured out how Kenyon operates,se close to the freshman reported

sterday. The rst year student, whoended the Writing and Thinking-orientation program, is believedhave a knowledge of the inner

rkings of the college that is vastlyperior to his peers who did not at-d pre-orientation.Yeah, I think Ive got a prettyod grasp on the whole college

situation, Worthington noted. I cantotally navigate my way through Mc-Bride and Mathers riot-proof halls, Iknow not to step on the seal in Pierceand I use all the cool slang terms,like Baby Drama and The Gates ofHell.

It took some time to really get thisplace, he admitted, but Ive got itdown by now. When they told us at

Life on the Hill not to talk on our cellphones on Middle Path, I was likeduh, he chuckled.

Worthington professed his exper-tise on a variety of Kenyon esoterica

including but not limited to the Mt.Vernon shuttle schedule, professorsratings on ratemyprofessor.com andhow to subscribe to allstus. In ad-dition, the rst year offered perfectdirections to elusive campus localessuch as the AD Bulls Eye and theUpside Down Tree.

The ten-day Writers and Think-ers program has reportedly givenWorthington not only nearly limitless

insight into Kenyon academic andsocial life but into Kenyon roman-tic life as well. I keep telling mysingle friends, said Worthington, Iremember just how they felt when Irst came to Kenyon like Id bealone forever. But then I found mygirlfriend and we havent been apart

since. The two of us have had our ups

and downs, but its worth the difcul-ties to know Ive found my one truelove: Jen Brinsdsleyor Brondsley.Brinckley? It denitely starts with aB.

re-O Attending Freshman Has Kenyon Pretty Much Figured Out1. Clap three times and wink2. Loudly talk about forgettinI.D.3. Use the terms Milk Cartonthe Cove4. Wave money in the air andMinor here!

Consume All ResourcesYou know all those great frien

just made? Why not celebrate ing all twenty of them to aTheres a whole block of aparon the north end of campus cally designed to throw events you and your friends. Therefree beer!Did you know: ScavengerMany apartments will put defree snacks in convenient loclike the top shelf of a tall cabsock drawers. Happy hunting!

Demonstrate Your AppreFor The ArtsWhat are you, a Philistine? G

cultured heinie over to the postThere you will nd plenty ofdor Dal and Bob Marley poglue to your wall. Your whowill be dazzled by your origand artistic vision.Tip: Show off your collection bing a cocktail party. Invite you

From Fake IDs, p.1

helping end the epidemic of age drinking! said Tyson, whtown for the next four years vicousin. Cheers!

The policy accompanies aof new changes for the bar, inencouraged employee-initiatedcal contact and uctuating, seerandom pricing.

This year marks a new chathe history of The Cove, a chacommunal safety and concernToddington while waving in aof young tourists from North DWere no longer just in it fsweet, sweet underage money

I use all the cool slangterms, like Baby Dramaand The Gates of Hell.

From Freshman Living

Clams Casino

EW APARTMENTS A newmpus-wide study reveals that a se-t group of students are ready for al-scale recall on their esh-baring

mmer attire. Although the majoritystudents embrace the few goldenonths of warmth with bare feet and

shirts, a small group of studentsuld give anything to be back inir winter woolies.Yeah, yeah, I know what winterans, laments Dave Weatherseed

2 with a wry smile lilting over hisapped lips. Long nights in therary, fractured bottoms from slip-

ng on ice, Seasonal Affect Disor-r But Id trade my severe casedandruff any day to be back in myolen socks.Students cite hairy legs, bacne, andidual beer bellies from last springthe top sources of anticipation for

ore conservative attire.I was working as a camp coun-or this summer and the whole timeept wishing I was back at Kenyon,plains Annabel Whitcomb 13. All counselors did this No Shavey thing, and it was so embarrass-

g. I dont know any woman withy amount of forearm hair. I keptling myself Two more months tong sleeves.Whitcomb, an Environmental

Studies major, already has plans fornext summer researching bat guanoand its effects on sustainable agricul-ture in Barrow, Alaska.

My campers called my arms,Narnia, Annabel added, I cant

wear sillybandZ. They get stuck andthen I have to rip them off. What self-respecting eight-year-old girl wantsto trade sillybandZ that are covered inmy nasty arm hairs? It was a legiti-mate social hindrance at Camp Teela-wookit. I cant wait until it dropsbelow 50 so I can get back in myannel shirts so I dont have to shavemy forearms every morning and mid-afternoon.

My pea coat, my pea coat, a king-dom for my pea coat, chants dramamajor Libby Moskowitz 11, slightlymisquoting Shakespeares Richard

III. My left breast hangs about threeand a half inches lower than my right.Its a chiropractic problem, not hor-monal, so its totally xable. It would

just be a lot less noticeable duringthe winter months when everyone is

too busy nursing their fracturing theirbottoms to notice that my left breasthangs about three and a half incheslower than my right.

Other students look forward towinter clothes for the peace of mind

they provide in social situations.Before I go to class I usually lay-er up with a pair of long johns undermy corduroys, says Charlie Esquivel11 while he cans root vegetables forprovisions in the colder months, Itmakes my beer gut a little less notice-able, plus it acts as a safety precau-tion against the inevitable afternoonseminar NRB.

Summertime enthusiasts expressperplexity and concern for those whofavor warmer, more covered-up ap-parel.

Im beautiful, and I love mybody, offers Sandy Nichols 14 asshe tugs at her Spanx under her sun-dress. I think its really sad that peo-ple are that insecure. They should justbe comfortable with who they are.

elf-Conscious Students Psyched For Return To Winter Clothes

Worthington, outside of Hayes Hall.

Esquivel, ready for February.


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[email protected]

By Chuck Needs a Ride Orsterson

Greetings and welcome back, fel-low Stuheads! Doesnt it seem like

just yesterday we were selling off ourold couches and looking for rides toD.C.? But alas. Another summer has

come and gone, and with it a fabuloussummer season of Allstu! Nervousabout diving into textbook trades andKFS screenings? Never fear: wevegot you covered with our annual Re-cap & Review, guaranteed to bringyou up to speed.

This summers Allstu seasonstarted off on a sad note, as we badefarewell to some beloved members ofthe ensemble. Its always tough on usavid readers to see a favorite charac-ter move on, but, in this writers opin-ion, the tender goodbyes of KellyKand HansenE were a graceful salute

by the writers to the twos great con-tributions. Tears were owing!Of course, wed barely nished

seeing them off before an oldiar face popped into the mixinfamous scamp StoleB is bgood or so say Allstus prodand hes certainly as roguish aSome of this summers funnimost memorable moments hin

his classic quips and catchpWe cant wait to see what henext, not to mention how hewith the young wildcard Pelle

Now, dear Stuheads, youthis writer loves Allstu very meven enough, sometimes, to along with some criticism. I

its been on a lot of minds: t

has been leaning a little too on Yoga cancellations. Everthe plot went, it seemed liwas waiting: morning Hot Yocelled! No noon KenyonFit! Isaying cut it out entirely sthe early seasons most poignaments were Men-Only Yoga scwoes but, oh great Writers, ifreading, please: ease off the Y

Thanks for reading, StuTune in next week when wellcussing all the latest and greavelopments, including (but cenot limited to) whos playing

whos coming to Shabbat, anmore of those UNSUBSCRIBlove to hate. Ciao!

Summer Allstu Season Recapntertainment

That scamp StoleB isback for good or so Allstus producers.

Diesel Jackson

HE CHURCH OF THE HOLYIRIT Every Friday, as the clockthe church tower creeps closer to

ur in the afternoon and every liv- being within earshot races awaydoors, Kenyons most consistentlynal music group climbs into the

urch to practice their craft: annoy- the shit out of everyone.Beatrice Dunk 11, a fourth-yeareran of randomly ringing whateverl is within arms-reach and captainthe Pealers, says that her group isequivocally misunderstood, sir.Every member of the Pealers an

novator and artist is, states Dunk.uite misplaced we are to have toven ourselves within the churchd conne our raw genius to be-een 4:00 6:00 p.m., when theht shines upon the stone face of ourells, the bells and us a melted oneunks emphasis] in our hymnicaljesty, upon in an difcult indeed

worth for why in our happenstance.When asked to elaborate, Dunk

concluded, No one can grasp ourgenius.

At a recent meeting of the Peal-

ers Manson Leftfoote 12 ceasedhis playing, clutched his ankles, andstarted screaming. Shortly thereafterSamantha Fitz 13 submerged hishead into cottage cheese, explaining,Its my vehicle.

A student-faculty group led byMusic Department Chair Profes-sor Theodore Buehrer is set to meetwith Campus Safety near the end ofthis week to discuss commencing theweekly test of the Tornado WarningSiren at 4:00 p.m., as opposed to itsusual time at noon, and extending thelength of the test for two hours.

We expect it to be a short meet-ing with a unanimous vote, statedCampus Safety Director Bob Hooper.Were just trying to nd a time otherthan 4:00 6:00 p.m. on Friday wheneverybody can meet.

xtremely Loud & Incredibly GrossHangingwitHtHePealers

Ed Strictly

OSSE STEPS Upperclassmenled to sufciently harass the class2014 at their Freshman Sing, col-e sources report. As a result, theshmen have become an increas-

ly dangerous faction of the com-nity.In an effort to respect the sanctitythe Sing, Professor of Music Dr.njamin Locke sent out a student-o prior to the event, urging stu-nts and community members not tor during the First Year Sing.Screaming and booing is, ofurse, inappropriate and discour-ed, he said, calling instead for are cheerful ceremony, welcom- the students rather than intimidat- them.While the booing has long been

considered a staple of the Sing, thecrowd last Tuesday heeded his warn-ing. What once would have been ahorde of screaming hecklers nowremained respectfully quiet. Theyclapped after each song, and evenshouted soft encouragement like

You can do it! and Youre a wel-come addition to the community! Inaddition, for the rst time in years,the crowd pitched in for the audi-ence participation moments, such as,Smoked the What?

Ive got to admit, said freshmanJustin Barnes 14, we were expect-ing to be hissed and harassed. Whenwe werent, we thought we were do-ing something right.

Its absurd, said Hank Wilde11. At my Sing, a few upperclass-men were operating a jackhammer inthe front row during our songs. Some

other guys had hacked into a govern-ment database and were handing outour social security numbers to theaudience. And another group threw

aming bottles of kerosene-soakedrags into us. It was rough, but we allgot out alive. And for the rest of theyear, we knew our place.

This year Doc Locke told us notto, he added. What were we gonnado? Its Doc Locke.

Indeed, since the Sing, it has be-come common to see swarms of rst-years terrorizing anyone they suspect

of being older.Look, heres the deal

Barnes as he bumped into Class President Kayla Johnsonthe Peirce servery, spilling thtents of her tray onto the oor, people really had any power o

you would have asserted it whhad the chance. You really sthe pooch when you clapped What are you gonna do, encouto death?

Oh, Im so scared, he pouring his glass of PoweradJohnsons head.

Yeah, okay, said Barnelearn my place. I get it, I get it. Ia lowly freshman. He then chand stuffed this reporters hea nearby plate of mashed pand ham. Smoked the WHAyelled. Ham, ham, I said.

First Years Not Sufficiently Harassed At Rosse Hall Sing

At my Sing, a few upper-

classmen were operating ajackhammer in the frontrow during our songs.


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Jean Shortz

OSSE HALL This past week,a part of orientation, a group of

perclassmen put on their produc-n ofReal World: Gambier for thele freshiekins. The thrust of the

oduction, written and performed

the students, was to teach our newends what is a yes-yes and whata no-no when we play together ats. S. Georgia Nugents School forys and Girls.When asked what the tykesught of the play, one performer

ted that it really made the darlingst on their thinking caps. Said Rob-McEver, 12, I think they learned

w things today like dont drink much yucky dizzy juice at my

ends house because it might makeu really sleepy or give you a tum-y ache.Or make you go to sleep forever,

e Papa Gene, chimed in Anna Sul-an, 11, one of the seniors involvedwriting Real World: Gambier.

lso, we taught the freshmen that good to share when you are play- with your new friend in your bed.d always say please and thank youyou want them to touch you likeommy and Daddy were doing that

one time in Aunt Beckys lake house.The special handshake of love.

Another important lesson includedtreating our friends that are differentfrom us with the same respect as wetreat our friends that are more like us.

You might have learned that oneis silver and the other is gold, said

Mr. Patrick Gilligan, head of theCounseling Center, as he debriefed agroup of freshmen afterwards. Butat Kenyon, everyone is gold. Weshouldnt say not nice things aboutdifferent-colored friends or boys wholike to be special friends with otherboys or, at least use your insidevoice if you do.

Are you talking about racismand homophobia? asked freshmanJulia Owens, 14. Wait, hold on. Isthat what this production was for? Toteach us about Kenyon specic sex,drugs, and alcohol culture?

Oh my god, said Adam Curtis,

14, are you serious? So when theywere talking about our widdle con-foosled hearties, they were talkingabout the simultaneous depressionand acceleration of a persons centralnervous system, pulse, and respira-tion that results from mixing alcoholwith a depressant? Why didnt they

just fucking say that? By Granny Hayes & Jean Shortz

ORIFICE OF PUBLIC AFFAIRS The Ofce of Pubelick Herhairs de-clared Tuesday that the FortnightlyAnnouncements, Kenyons admin-istrative e-mail updates, will now be

released allnightly. The administra-

tion decided to increase the numberof informational e-mails in order tospread their intellectual seed to asmany people as possible until theybeg us to stop.

Weve been jonesing to do thisthing since the Fortnightly started,and Im surprised that weve been

able to hold out this long, said ShawnPreslayyy. Weve nally built up thestamina and nesse to get in there andget the job done. I cant say anythingmore than that at this point tit justfeels rightly.

The change has had one drawbackfor the excited members of his long-standing, upright staff.

Staying up all night on the grindsure makes it hard to get it up in themorning Presley said. But then be-fore you know it, were back to busi-

ness the ole heave ho, heavThe Ofce of Public Affai

on discussing whether they wdo it just allnightly or if they wdo it in the day, as well. Giright location, my branch wouthat sweet spot until they ran

steam Presley said. More intion to cum.

COLLEGIATESTA

Grimace . . . . . . . . Sheridan WThe Hamburglar . . . . . Diesel Fry Kid . . . . . . . . . GordelThe Professor . . . . . . Charlie Birdie the Early Bird . . . . Ed McNugget Buddy . . . . GrannyRonald McDonald . . . Esteban SMayor McCheese . . . Dingo RocUncle OGrimacey . . . . . JeanCosMc . . . . . . Beauregard BeaOfcer Big Mac . . . . . . Clams Griddler . . . . . . . . . Roy McKIam Hungry . . . . . . Helga GThe Colonel . . Ruth Thundercat

Interns . . . . . . . . . . Morgan SpRay Kroc, Stella Liebeck

Editorial Assistants . . . . . . . . DSleep Apnea, Infertility, ThrombosiDepression

Founder/Editor Emeritus . . .

Francis Albert Victor Nicholaslegiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE,

In fact, most Gambier businessesve opted to make the K-Card thee form of accepted payment atir respective establishments (natu-ly, alcohol is still not included.)Also notable is the new policy un-r which all Kenyon expenses, in-ding tuition and K-Card balances,

ust be paid by K-Card. In thesecult economic times, it just makes

nse, explained school accountantncy Huff, adding, Im still tryinggure out how exactly, but cantall agree that paying for things is amore pleasant when you do it with

mething that has a nice green back-ound and a picture of your face on

Especially when that thing costsmuch as the down payment on adium-sized house?

Unfortunately the plan, designed tobolster the local economy, has insteadlead to massive K-Card ination. Onesophomore interviewed while stand-ing in line at the market, pushing awheelbarrow full of K-Cards, remi-nisced about the good old days: Hav-ing a K-Card with money on it usedto mean something. Now that every-one has these huge balances, it costs$2500 just to buy my nightly cookieat Middle Ground.

In other K-Card news: newly-grad-uated alumnus Chad Lemon 10 hada nervous breakdown after a failed at-tempt at using his K-Card to purchasesnacks and had to be carted out of lo-cal gas station in his new hometown,Terra Haute, Indiana on a stretcher.

the kenyon collegiate

Real World: GambierReenacts Party-Warties for Freshie-Weshies

By Dingo RockefellerCAPLES The grafti in Caplesresidence hall is becoming ever moreexcruciating in its pretension, sourcesreported yesterday. The scrawled

drawings and bits of text, which havelong tilted towards the grandiloquent,have allegedly spilled over into full-blown pomposity this semester.

Some of the grafti Ive seen isreally foul, noted Caples residentDan Mulligan 12, gesturing to thewater fountain behind him. See that?Its all the Latin conjugations of theverb to drink.

It just makes you want to throwup, he added.

Dont students have anything bet-ter to do with their time than defaceproperty? wondered resident TriciaLarchmont 13. I dont care if theyinclude a properly formatted MLAbibliography on the next bathroomstall. Its still unacceptable.

Its not only students who aing the effects of the graftiwho do things like this are bselsh, noted maintenance Julianne Knopf, using a sposcrub a sharpie-drawn replica o

equegs signature off a hall What makes them think that else gives a shit about their inte

tion of Isabellas silence at theMeasure for Measure?

Grafti like this is an embment to the college, agreed DHousing and Residential LifeDugas. Why cant we get a tits or at least a crude drawipenis? But no, the closest we bawdy couplet from The CanTales. Its simply obscene.

om Tuition, p.1

Im surprised wevebeen able to hold out thislong.

It just makes you wato throw up.

Graffiti In Caples BecomingUnbearably Pretentious

Fortnightly Goes Allnightly

In an effort to pay for bread, one student turns to desparate measures.

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Kenyon Collegiate Issue 3.1