Kenyon Collegiate Issue 3.9

8/3/2019 Kenyon Collegiate Issue 3.9

1/6

Roy McKluskin

AMBIER Acclaimed authornathan Franzen came to campusednesday to discuss his new novel,eedom, signicantly upping Ken-n Colleges dreaminess quotient in

process.The change has been truly extraor-ary, said sociology major Denisembina 11, whose independent studyks at rates of charisma among col-e students. Weve seen a twentycent increase in the pensive soulful-s sector in the last day alone!Theres just been something. . . hunky about the campus atmo-

here in the last few days, said Pro-sor of English Samantha Heizel.

My students have been distracted,king out windows, and readingud in husky, monotone voices.her signs of the phenomenon in-de shirts slowly coming unbut-

ned at the collar, sudden feathering

of the hair, and an increase in picturestaken in dashing three-quarter prole.

Chip Lithos 14 reported beingin the middle of reading for my littheory class when I suddenly feltcompelled to put down Foucault andput on my roommates black, thick-rimmed glasses. Upon looking in themirror, the freshman described the ef-

fect as smoldering. The freshmanthen spent the rest of the afternoonin contemplation of life and his ownsparkling brown eyes.

I really think its amazing theway that a single person can inspirethis much enthusiasm in the studentbody, Lithos said. That sexy, sexybody.

Philanders Most sPlendiferous sourceof newsand GossiP. Vol. 3, issue 9 february16, 2011

the kenyon collegiate

ranzen Visit Increases Campus Dreaminess Quotient

Elgin Marbles

AMBIER GRILL At approxi-tely 1:25 a.m. Sunday, Arthurlls 14 met everyone.The decisive moment occurred at

Gambier Grill, where Mills wasmehow ordering his third gin zzthe night. As Jordan Prince 11 ap-

oached to point out the similarityween their scraggly dark beards,lls swiftly offered his signature

m-but-light handshake and nally

ished his nine-month quest to meet1640 of the colleges students.It wasnt that hard, Mills said. Iess I just make a point to go to theve pretty regularly and forcefullyroduce myself to every person Ike eye contact with. My Frisbee

ends have a New Apt.Citing statistical improbability, theth department questions the feasi-ity of Millss claim. Hed have toet about ten unique, new people

ery day, said President, Treasurer,d Secretary of the Algebrainiacsth Tron 12. I usually start to ex-

hibit symptoms of a panic attack aftertwo.

According to some sociology ma- jors, most of the people Mills metwould have had to have remainedwhat researchers would call ac-quaintances.

An acquaintance is someone youdont know-know, but, like, you stillknow, English and sociology doublemajor Max Azram 11 explained.Used in a sentence: Naw, dude, Ihavent put it there yet, were still justacquaintances.

reshman Meets Everyone By Charlie AdamsGAMBIER Last Monday, in a pri-vate disclosure to his close friends,Greg Swanson 13 announced plansto just stay in and take it easy thisweekend. Citing fatigue, a heavyworkload, and just a really weirdweek in general, the sophomore Eng-lish major admitted he felt the needto sort of lie low and get some workdone.

I just keep thinking, we

shouldve seen this coming, report-ed Charlie Timmons 13, a high-rank-ing friend with close ties to Swanson.Gregs been in kind of a weird moodall week. Like, Ivan [Palmer 13] andI both noticed him spacing out at ourNightCAPS meeting and Gregsroommate Jerry [Lovins 13] told methat he caught Greg wearing the same

jeans for three days in a row.For many, though, the decision has

come as a shock. Sophomore studioart major Callie Meyers 13, a class-mate of Swansons who has a crushon him, expressed minor confusion

and disappointment in the wthe announcement. Additionalappearances Swanson had schfor the weekend a VillaTrivia Night slot and a freshmreunion dinner at Fiesta wpresumably be canceled.

Since his statement Mondayson has remained reticent abmotivations. Im just not feelingoing out, he offered when pI was looking forward to goinwith the guys on Friday, but Ill just watch a movie or somand turn in. Besides, last weekWeaver was fun enough. I dobad about taking a breather.

And no, its not about [Reynolds 13], he added

Continued on page 2. Continued on page 4.

InsIde ThIs Issue

On Middle Path, Franzen takes a moment to look pensive.

Ofce Hours Attend

Greg To Take It Easy This Weeke

Parent PhotographsAmish For Blog

I think Ill just wa movie or somethand turn in.

Girl Pretty Much Jus

One O Te Guys

Mills meeting The Collegiates photographer.


2/6

please recycle issue before or after reading

Barker D. Flugelhorn

IRCE HALL Philanders Ph-g, which in years past has been ative, spirit-warming celebration inbruary, was canceled this year afterinner workings, unable to be sus-

ned, collapsed in on themselves.Thanks to a successful evacua-n, no one was injured, but insidersspect the calamity was caused by ak of volunteers.The numbers just werent there,

ys Phling student organizer Jessicarkstein 12. I guess this year wasst the year that no one wanted tolp the cause.Parkstein expressed confusioner the cancellation, as she and otherling organizers distributed multiple

mail messages to the campus plead-g for help. The basic gist of the e-ail was, Cmon, guys, if we dontve thirty-six people in the next f-n minutes signing up for door duty,ling will be unable to sustain itselfd will destroy everything in itsth, explained Chad Montgomery1. Either people dont check Alls-

tus anymore, or all hope has drainedfrom the free world.

Philanders Phling was shut downat around 10:20 p.m. on February 5,roughly an hour after the festivitiesbegan. Eyewitness reports indicatethat Peirce Hall was experiencing ex-traordinary tremors, a clear warningsign that Phling was becoming to betoo fun for the personnel to handle.

Due to a snafu in bookkeeping,said Desmond Carter 13, we ini-tially thought that we had an adequatenumber of volunteers required for theelaborate, intensive maintenance ofPhling. But unfortunately, even thosenumbers dwindled rapidly. We as-sume that the volunteers realized thegravity of their task and ran for thehills. As a result, campus adminis-trators were forced to evacuate thebuilding as Phling slowly destroyeditself.

What people dont realize is thatPhling isnt just a party its a vastnetwork of subtle mechanisms thatrequire a large troupe of intelligent,able-bodied, and hardened volun-teers, said Porter Essman 12. This

isnt just some namby-pamby littlefete in the countryside. Phling is thereal deal, and its more complex thanyou would ever, ever imagine.

Essman recounted in horror hisexperience just before the evacua-tion took place. I was in the atrium,and everything seemed to be going asplanned. But then I went downstairsand counted the casino workers there were only fteen. They wereworking themselves to the bone, andit wasnt enough. Thats when I knewthat everyone had to get the hell out,because this thing was gonna blow.

A multitude of angry parents haveharangued Phling administrators for

endangering their children, anasked what Kenyon is doing this situation from ever hapagain.

The way I see it, says orTim Buriss 11, there are twothat we could consider in gointhis. One, we hire a large teamfessional oaters and coat chwhich would be a consideranancial burden, or two, we senmore Allstus, even more urtone, with our humble plea: teer for Phling with 34 of yourfriends, or the newly rebuiltHall will be torn into a thousalion pieces.

Lack of Volunteers Causes Phlings Cancellation, Self-Destructi

Clams Casino

ENTZ HOUSE Professor Lillianungs Wednesday afternoon Intro-ction to Poetry seminar came to theanimous conclusion that a poem byarlie Pinkowski 14, Life Is ButTenuous Eggshell, is objectivelyrrifying.I was a little nervous to workshop

y rst poem, admitted Pinkowski,ut I felt good. Plus, Id had my fa-rite granola for lunch.According to sources, Pinkowskian avid birdwatcher and accom-shed fencer. Pinkowskis room-

ate described the introverted fresh-an as precious, delicate, andght-boned.Before class, the homeschooledshman reportedly distributedmemade shortbread cookies withrsonal messages baked inside.I bit into one of his cookies, saidciology major Sammie Ashforth

2, and there was a fucking piece ofper in it. I thought it was a mistake,d then I opened it and it said, Haveeautiful day, Sammie. Professor Chung thanked

nkowski for the treats and invitedm to read his poem.I dont think this needs muchplanation, stated Pinkowski asunsheathed the atrocity from his

Trapper Keeper. After pausing a mo-ment for questions, the doe-eyedfreshman began to read the poem.

The poem was met with such si-lence that Associate Professor ofEnglish Nancy Derbish could beheard clipping her ngernails in herofce upstairs.

Its not my place to make a stu-dent feel bad about himself, com-mented Chung, so I asked if therewas anything in particular that hethought needed improvement.

Professor Chung asked me if any-thing needed improvement, notedPinkowski. I didnt see any weakspots, really. Im pretty proud of it I think this is some of my best work

to date.I mean, this isnt even really

my opinion at all, Professor Chungexplained after Pinkowski nishedreading his monstrosity. This poemis metaphysically appalling.

The guy walks around with thisheavenly glow around his head,

commented Eleanor Bates 13. Afterclass I called my pastor and wept foran hour.

He offended me. He offended mypeople, offered Anne Lin 13. Heshould suffer quietly in hell for whathes done.

Im excited for next week,Pinkowski added. Im writing a son-net!

eminar Confirms Poem Objectively Abominable

Pinkowski with his beloved Golden Retriever, Milo.

From Freshman, page

Defending these allegationsuggests that like racist anmosexual, everyone shounderstood as a relative termto a spectrum of meaning. I ithere are a few people living son that I dont know, Milsucking on a celebratory cockion. Maybe some physics ma

Mills celebrated the occaspromptly posting, Met every

Kenyon, WHAT NOW!?!? Twitter account. Also, a festivof a cat swimming in sequins wHelvetica caption Bitch Pleapeared on his Tumblr within sand popped up on your News Fweeks.

Mills was both humbled andished by his achievement. Coabout leaving the quad anfake glasses, which are fabulo

Mills proceeded to wear porters glasses and do that Ean kiss thing to everyone at Dont just stay in and play

to Apples, he added from behbathroom door.But seconds later, when

what he planned to do next, Munavailable for comment, as curled up around the toilet. close to Mills say hes constravel, and has been spending time lling out transfer applin Gund Commons.


3/6

[email protected]

Professor Glenda Henderson

hat up, malakas!That is the Greek word for wank-! Thats right, I called you asturbator! From the ancient term, which is a masculinem, a colloquial vulgar term amongends. Eat it! If you want to re-ond accordingly, call me a moun, for my classics students. Itans vagina! To which I respond,suck a ptsa ()! Im in

eece! For the whole year! Withy husband! And its winter back atnyon and youre all working hardd ghting colds and being miser-e! And I dont give a shit! Skat!The Collegiate asked me to writeout my experiences here in theautiful seaside village of Aeropoli,ere Im writing my book abouttros Pierrakos, who started theeek War of Independence in 1821.rst I responded with i gam-

sou! Thats fuck off! But then myhusband and I got tired of sunbathingunder Helios and the piercingly blueAeropolian sky. So I decided to hu-mor you pale dickfaces. By the way,hows the Midwest? Yeah? Cool.Well, culture started here. And right

now I can reach out and touch a whitesand beach with my big toe.The fact is I havent given a rats

ass about Kenyon for the entire year.And its fucking awesome. Im hav-ing the time of my life, eating greatfood, and my body has never lookedthis good. Holy shit, you have to trygalaktoboureko. Thats a custard des-ert inside crisp phyllo. Its impossibleto say and impossible to put down.Fucking delicious. And last weekendJim and I took a trip along the coast-line, where we caught a beautifulmoonlit concert by Mikis Theodora-kis at a villa in Piraeus. The gods re-ally do live here, motherfucker!

How is it back at Kenyon? I re-member this time of year there. Itseither miserably cold or thawing justenough to make the entire campus apool of muddy, slushy shit. I dontmiss it for a second. And you knowwhat else I dont miss? Grading pa-

pers. And you know what studentwith an annoying laugh I dont miss?Ted Hamels. And you know whatstudent I dont miss coming to ofce

otes From My Sabbatical, Bitches!pinion

By Angela

Hey there, roomie. Just wanted tocatch up, you know, for old timessake. Hows political anth going?Great? Thats fantastic. I see youveadded a new sweater to your collec-tion in the closet here love the col-

or. Oh, and one more thing: tonightyoure going to die.

You see, I too love Cosmo. Some-times, when you are in class, I rappeldown from my web up by your denimrompers and catch up on all the latestsex tips. Theres actually some reallyuseful stuff in there. Only, I kill anddevour my mates after sex, but hey,apples and oranges.

Sometimes, though, I hate Cosmo.Like when its rolled up and used tomurder my brother Franois. Haveyou ever seen a still twitching corpseplastered on the wall by its own en-

trails? Just lovely.No, but seriously, youre

dead. You messed with the wroder. I guess you could call it baif your denition of luck includmeditated rst-degree murdermandibles and poison, and thdestroy you.

In fact, at this very momentmy eight eyes are studying yothe shadows. Hows that cNot so good? Well, thats unate, seeing as its your lasOther than my fangs in your

of course.

I sort of regret this, actuallyhad some good times togeththe time you tried to vacuudestroying my web and unbodren, or that time that you spracousin Thomas with RAID. Ito get something to remember like a necklace containing a your blood.

Well, its almost dark outsiyou just stepped out to brusteeth. Guess its time to crawyour pillow.

I hope your last dreams arones.

Im Hiding Under Your Pillow Until DarknWhen I Will Emerge And Murder You

I have mandibles apoison, and they wdestroy you.

Continued on page 4.

STUDENTSTrevor Hartington 14 Hannah Santa Anna 14

Prissy Doodle 14

otals so Students: Faculty: 4Vs.

FACULTSergei Lobanov-Rostovsky

Professor of English

Sam Pack

Prof. of Anthropology

Whos your daddy?That reminds me, I

should call Mother.Daddy is!

The real question is: what

does daddy even mean?Jonathan Franzen. Graham Gun

Where does a cow

eat?

I know this one.

Earnst?A calf-eteria!

Maybe you should be ask-

ing, Why does a cow eat?In a eld?

What the litt

girls said.

Who is your valentine

this year?

Still working on it.

Datamatch, anyone?Justin Bieber!

You. No, not really. But what

did that make you think about? Raymond Chandler. Graham Gun

Is a benign existence

possible?

Hold on let me

check my Quest notes.

Only for those who look

beyond the cave wall.

Hm. Well. Uh. Doyou

think it is?

Not as Casablanca

teaches us.No.

Total Correct Zero Three One Two


4/6

Roy McKluskin

DDLE GROUND Trusting it ase would a caring and sympatheticend, Nance Laughlin 14 pouredr heart and soul out to the com-unity journal at the Middle Groundfe on Friday, sources report.Nance had been having a reallyrd week, and I guess she just need-someone to conde in. Someoneo wouldnt judge her, or make funher weird hair, said friend Kylemming 14.Laughlins entry included a smallragraph about her troubles, a Ralphaldo Emerson quote, and a sketcha girl with a teardrop running downr heavily shaded face. It was com-ted in a single winter afternoon.As of press time, Nance plans toe advantage of the scrapbooks

ent, pulpy presence to help workough her feelings about getting

oped on by a bird outside of Caples.

By Boat Thorpe

MIDDLE PATH Junior AlexBratton 12 attempted to conceal hisdrunkenness last Wednesday morningwhen he saw a tour group approach-ing. I just, you know, wanted themto get a good impression of Kenyon,he said. I dont want the parents tothink were just some party school.

The tour group passed Bratton out-side the library as he was making hisway to the Village Market. It was ap-proximately 11 a.m. Yeah, my room-mate sent me out for Cheetos, hesaid. I was like, No, Im too wast-ed! and he was like, Dude, I alwaysgo, so I was just like, Whatever.

When asked why he and his room-mate, Kevin LaGrange 12, weredrinking on a Wednesday morn-ing, Bratton replied, It was kind ofa rough day. I had an exam for my8:10 that I completely bombed, and Icame back and Kevin told me he got

dumped, so we were like, Fuck it,were getting drunk. Their Leonarddouble was apparently fully stockedwith Popov vodka, which the duodrank out of Writing at Kenyoncoffee mugs.

Once they were thoroughly inebri-ated, LaGrange and Bratton becamehungry, and Bratton left the room tond food. I mean, I was gone, saidBratton. Like, freshman-year-high-lighter-party wasted. According towitnesses, Bratton was missing oneshoe and singing Bad Romance ina British accent.

He abruptly stopped singing whenhe saw the tour group. When I sawthem I realized, Oh shit, I prob-ably look like a drunk asshole, hesaid, so I kind of stood up straighterand tried to look awake until they

passed by. Bratton then nodthe group, looked at his watcbegan to walk faster as if hto an appointment. I guess Itheyd think I was just stresand sleep-deprived, like, fromhomework, he said.

That guy? He totally drunk, said Marissa Earney,

school junior visiting from DColorado. I was like, dudeously? Its, like, 11. Earney know whether she would be apto Kenyon.

By Gunderson ThreeplySOUTH CAMPUS Jeff Davis 12excused himself from a gathering atsenior Craig Lundes 11 Acland lastweekend after receiving a text mes-

sage. He said he had to take a mon-ster piss, and left shortly thereafter.However, Lunde reported, Jeff nevercame back so far as I could tell, butthe party was also raging pretty hardand I was pretty wasted, so I couldhave just missed him.

Daviss girlfriend, Anna Gerudi 12,said, I didnt see him for the rest of thenight. He told me that hed see me atmy track meet tomorrow morning, buthe didnt tell me where he was goingor whether or not he was even comingback. Gerudi spent the rest of the nightrepelling the advances of Daviss room-

mate, Tim Sandwerth 12.I am not accountable for my ac-tions while inebriated, and I will notapologize for things I may have saidor done, said Sandwerth. Besides,what was I supposed to do? Jeff justup and bolts out of there after gettingthis text message, and gets really de-fensive when I ask if its from his girl-friend or something. Also Im prettysure that he secretly listens to SufjanStevens or something. As far as Imconcerned, Im doing Anna a favor.

Jonah Fortinbras 13 saw Davis

run into the woods near the Aclandsand said, I tried to get his attention,shoot the shit, but when he came outhe pretended he didnt know me. Itwas really weird. Ray emerged fromthe bushes dressed pretty much ex-

actly like a lumberjack, accordingto Fortinbras. When called by name,Davis responded that Fortinbras musthave mistaken him for someone elseand gave his name as Elliot Clark,before excusing himself and headingup towards Caples.

Clark proceeded to stop into FrankDellas 11 fourth oor room for aquick jam session with his band, thePan-Osakan Sans-Serif Globaliza-tion Fund. Della said, Elliots a re-ally chill guy. Hes always down fora jam, and the dude knows his wayaround the Elephant Six. Hes pretty

much my best friend. When askedfor his opinions regarding Jeff Da-vis, Della responded, Dude, fuckthat guy. Hes some douchey econmajor in my anthropology class and

hes always making these reanoying comments. Its like he even care about the plight of tnomam.

Christine Laye 13 was tperson to see Clark that nig

stopped by her suite with and some weed it was sumantic, according to Layeemate Jenna Iser 13.

We just smoked and talkedtold The Collegiate. About stuknow? Their conversation alranged from Kafkas views onconstruction to what Clark waning on playing on his radio sthe upcoming week. Its goreally lo-. I cant wait to hshe said. I was sad when Ellme he had to leave, but I undthat as a studio art major hes

busy all the time. When askethe uncanny resemblance Clato Jeff Davis, Laye scoffed anDont be stupid. Theyre totaferent. I mean, Elliot wears gla

Guy Tries To Appear Less Drunk As Tour Group Pas

Junior Visits Secret North Campus Girlfriend In Disguise

Prospective students, judging us with

the kenyon collegiate

urs every single day? Ted Hamels.at fucking laugh. And you knowat else I dont miss? Ofce Hours.And you know whats awesome?tting paid to take a year-long vaca-n. And having meals with the nestntemporary Greek novelists likeonysios Solomos and Odysseas

ytis. And feeling really valued andve. Im spilling galaktobourekoto the keyboard as I type, and Imt gonna proofread, bitches, because

m at the center of the Mediterraneand the center of Western thought and

center of the fucking world.Take that, Kenyon! Take that, as-ciate professors! Take that, Tedmels! Take it and like it, malakas!e you in August.

om Bitches, page 3.

eart Poured Out Toommunity Journal

om Greg, page 1.

oke up, like, two weeks ago. Imer it.For those closest to Swanson,ugh, the announcement is stillubling. Itll be a little weird go- out without Greg, admitted long-

me friend Harry Tyler 13. I hopes all right. Guy deserves a breakt as much as any of us, I guess, buting inside on a Friday isnt gonna

eer anybody up. Maybe Ill try to

nvince him later.Probably better to leave him be,ugh, he added.


5/6

Satchmo Dirk Jerkins

arming temperatures and meltingow have recently uncovered anhaeological smorgasbord of dis-

rded trinkets around campus, theture of which unfortunately reectsthe student bodys hedonism and

mplete lack of morality.The receding levels of snow re-aled the expected caches of ciga-tes and beer bottles. However, lo-investigators have also discoveredassortment of shocking items that

reect poorly on Kenyons noble rep-utation, such as pornographic maga-zines, vintage Nazi memorabilia, andalarming amounts of weapons-gradeuranium.

Its a damn shame what yound after the rst melt, said SheriffThompson during an exclusive in-terview. Sometimes I just wish thatsnow would never melt.

Some things were never meantto be discovered, he added, tossingnude photos of President Nugent intoa police incinerator.

Peter Altman 11

u know, I came to a really bizarrelization the other day while walk-

g on Middle Path to my senior Eng-h seminar. I almost dont even wanttell you thats how batshit crazys but here it goes anyways: Ink maybe, just maybe, comprehen-e examinations are a completelyid and necessary assessment ofknowledge Ive acquired in col-

e. I guess thats why this semestere decided to simply dig in, create anageable work schedule and then

mplete my comps without bitchingout it to every single person I en-unter throughout my day.Totally fucking weird, right?I know, I know. Im freaking my-f out. Here I am, having spent thest three and half years listening toch and every senior class do noth-g but piss and moan about theirmps only to realize, like some lu-

ic, that every student thats everaduated from Kenyon has had to

through the very same thing. Ian, how self-righteous can I get,ht? And on top of that, only a few

minutes later I had the audacity tothink, Wow, not only did these stu-dents survive comps without puttinga goddamn bullet straight throughtheir fucking skulls, but some of themeven have jobs, jobs they got becausethey passed a standardized test of

their knowledge and thus deservedlyreceived a degree.

Yeah. I know. Im a freakin psy-chopath, huh?

Sure, Im going to try to nish mycomps without spewing forth a con-stant stream of bullshit protest, but Iknow it wont be easy. I mean, I loveto binge drink on a Friday night sohard that the entire weekend becomesa black hole of mindless gluttony andwasted time as much as the next guy,so you can imagine my surprise whenthis Saturday I actually went out, hada few social drinks and then went tobed at a reasonable hour. Its like,where the hell do I get off? Am I ac-tually trying to function like a normalhuman being who hopes to acquire adegree from a prestigious college? Je-sus Christ. The humanity.

You know what? I better just stopbefore I really start talking crazy.Sure, now its only comps, but whatsnext? Am I going to just start ranting

and raving about how swipe card ac-cess in the dorms is actually a com-pletely reasonable solution to increas-ing campus safety? God, somebody

just shut me the fuck up already.

Please recycle issue before or after reading.

Ive decided to completemy comps without bitchingabout it. Weird, right?

ook, Its Just Comps, OK?oint/Counterpoint

By Carrie Karpilos 11

Lets start from the beginning. I ap-plied to Kenyon because of the cre-ative writing here. I heard that I couldlearn something here. Get an educa-tion. Maybe even amount to some-thing. I walked around here the pastfour years, happy as a clam. I tookthe required English classes, wrotethe papers, and worked my ass offto get some decent grades. I enteredmy senior year with a sigh of relief.I had made it. Id done the work. Idnished what Id signed up for.

To reiterate: when I signed up forcollege, I didnt know that I was en-rolling in an institution that actuallyaims to SUCK ANY SEMBLANCEOF JOY OUT OF MY LIFE BYFORCING ME TO DO A LITER-ALLY IMPOSSIBLE AMOUNT OFWORK UPON WHICH I WOULDINEVITABLY CHOKE AND DIE.

I nd out tonight that tomorrow,I have to turn in the written part ofmy comps. Oh, no big deal. Just the

capstone of my Kenyon career. Andif I fail, I will actually never everbe able to nd success or happinessin any arena of my life. I wonder:did anyone care to remind me about

this? We had three meetings mester and three or four emminding us when the deadlinHELLOOOOOOOOO I DREMEMBER UNTIL YESTEBECAUSE THE LAST EMAILIKE TWO WEEKS AGO

I HAD A FUCKLOAD OFGOING ON THEN. What dhave going on, you might askdont know . . . my classes? to Peirce in the few momentsis open? Recommitting to myby getting some sleep and eatiand hanging out with my friethe rst time since Ive beenplace?!

And now I have less than teto write twenty poems that aposed to function as the caof my education????????? Hsome fucking poems:

Comps is a blowtorchercely licking its sharp tonagainst my anus.Care for a prose poem?

DOING MY COMPS FEELSLOWLY PRESSING A RUSTYOPENER INTO MY EYE SO

AND TURNING IT, TURNITURNING IT UNTIL IT HAS UALLY FORCED A DIVOT

MY SKULL THAT BEGINSBLEEDING HAIRLINE FRAC AND, WITH MORE AND FORCE AGAINST THE HACRACKS THE BONE, THE SHOF WHICH EMBED THEMS

INTO MY BRAIN.How bout this haiku?

After this, its not done.WE HAVE THE FUCKING

Hey, English comps! GET B

Comps Is Destroying My Soul

Melting Snow Reveals Dark SecretsBy Ben Gold

Hello . . . ? Can anybody hear me?Oh, man . . . I need help. Its me, Ben,Ben Gold. That chem major from F-block. See, Ive really gotten myselfinto a bind, here. I left my New Aptfor my 10:10 in Palme House and gotmost of the way to Professor Hardys

class on Paleolithic drinking when my backpack started to fa little too heavy. Listen, so, Iaround to go back home ansome pack weight and that

I hit a patch of ice.Oh, God. Oh, God, and nowgo anywhere! Ive been walkhours but I havent moved aOhhh . . . Ahhhhh! I almostdown again, just then. Its topery, too goddamn slippery. Nto say, I watched my anth clafull, big strides to Palme anwalk out an hour later while on this patch, fearing the mI would fall. OH! OH! OH!

Somebody Please Help Me Get U

Continued on page 6.


6/6

By Clams Casino and SheridanWhiteside

OLIN ART GALLERY Accord-ing to gallery staff members, a mas-sive swarm of bees descended uponthe wax gurines in Kate BuddsTalisman exhibit, reclaiming theproduct of years of labor.

The wax is rightfully ours. It be-longs to us. First the humans took our

honey, then our homes, but they willnever experience the satisfaction oftaking our dignity, said Queen Bee-atrice of the Hive.

Have you ever seen bees yingwith wax gurines out of vents?asked gallery manager Steve Brick-man 12.

The exhibit features small uncov-ered wax gures placed on a table.

I tried to stop them, addedBrickman, I tried. But there were toomany of them. They were all over me.All at once. In every orice, in myeyes, in my throat. They got away.They got away.

Bees are insects, closely related toants and wasps, and are the favorite

meal ofMerops apiaster, or teating bird.

Bees can kill a fullman, said amateur bee experTownsend 13. Im not actuaif thats true.

Auribus tenere lupum, exQueen Beeatrice.

That wax wasnt even beeexplained wax expert Jeremialin. It was a petroleum byp

I have no idea what those beethinking.

[email protected]

CollegIaTe sTaf

Randy Marsh . . . . . . . Sheridan WHomer Simpson . . . . . . Diesel JRaymundo Rocket . . . . . GordelPhil Funnie . . . . . . . . . Charlie Dr. Benton Quest . . . . . . . Ed Ned Flanders . . . . . . . . GrannyDr. Thomas Wayne . . . Esteban SStu Pickles . . . . . . . Dingo Roc

Hank Hill . . . . . . . . . . . Jean

Papa Smurf . . . Beauregard Bea

Nigel Thornberry . . . . . . Clams

George Jetson . . . . . . Roy McK

Barney Rubble . . . . . Helga G.

Fred Flintstone . . Ruth Thundercat

David L. Read . . . Gunderson T

Dr. James Possible . . . . . Boat

Oscar Proud . . . . . . . . Elgin M

Jor-El . . . . . . . . Barker D. Flu

Jonas Foutley . . . . . Ming Shei

Interns . . . . Porkchop, Dino, S

Darwin, Mr. Peabody, Brian

Santas Little Helper, Rufus,

Consultants . . . . . Skeeter

tine, Milhouse, Hoodsie, Chucki

ster, Maurice Twister Ro

Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . .

Francis Albert Victor Nicholas

legiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of

KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE,

huttle Cuddlere you a reshman? Dont havecar? Te shuttle can be your

ateway to romance! Decorateou seat with colorul crepe pa-er and don some estive ear-us to stie the rattling sound

the handicap ramp. Youll beFiesta beore you can say, e

mo!

Deli Delightyou decide to stay local, why

ot take your date to the deli?ossible romantic gestures in-ude ordering her a specialtyndwich (only $15.75!) and bus-ng her dishes. And dont orget

he good ol Gambier Grill. Temell o stale beer and cigaretteutts will remind you o your frstrunken hookup!

Wood In Te Woodsor something really creative,

hy not take him/her up into thewoods behind the science quadr a sexy surprise? Te tinglingeling youll get in your extremi-es in sub-zero temperatures islittle something we like to callassion.

oses, Bitch!our bookstore is now sellingses! Buy a million roses! Bury

your loved one in sweet, pungentvelvety roses!

Sex Ap-PealHire the Pealers to serenade yoursweetie rom across campus. (Hottip: make sure that you dont ac-cept any ood or drink the Peal-ers oer you, or youll be stuck intheir bell tower orever!)

Burnin LoveBuy incense and candles and in-

vite that CA youve been eyeingto a romantically lit dinner inMather.

Keep Te Fire AliveHit the fre alarm in Caples andenjoy the romantic solitude. okeep security rom interrupting

your good time, barricade thedoor with your desk. Watch as

your classmates scatter out intothe beautiul, snowy landscape.

Single? Dont be araid to treatyoursel! Look up your exes on Face-book or some solo amusement. Postthreatening comments, haze theirnew girlriend, and drain a ftho Popov. Dont have an ex? Go toNightCAPSs antiValentines Daypoetry reading. Capture the bitter-ness in a bottle and unleash it uponyour enemies later.

Creative Ideas For Your Valentines Day

Boat Thorpe

MBERLAKE HOUSE After at-ding the rst few weeks of Profes-Anthony Fresnos IPHS seminar,

phomore Helen Knapp 13 came toconclusion that she was the smart-student in the class. I was really

rvous about the class, Knapp said;course, IPHS 392: Odyssey of

Mind, explores understandings ofman consciousness in science andrature from ancient Greece to thesent. Its pretty heavy stuff, saidapp, but, like, human conscious-

ss? How cool is that? I couldnt notke it.Knapp expected that a class withch abstract subject matter would at-ct only the most serious students.r illusions, however, were shat-ed on the rst day. The professord us go around and say our name,jor, and why we wanted to take

course, Knapp recalled, Ands one girl soc major, ugh wasst like, Well, Ive always won-

dered about it. I was like, Seriously?Thats the best you can do? Whenasked what her response to the ques-tion was, Knapp replied, The prob-lem of consciousness has plaguedmankind for millennia, and I hope toparticipate in this age-old dialoguewith the greatest minds in Westernthought. You know. Something likethat.

As the class progressed, Knapponly became more convinced of herconclusion. Theyre just not oper-ating on my level, she said of herclassmates. I mean, this one guydidnt believe that gender was a socialconstruct. Its like, come on, gradu-ate from tenth grade already. Knappwent on to say that she had hoped a300-level class would mean swim-ming with the big sh, but that the

students in her class were liberal-artsguppies.

The Collegiate polled the otherstudents in IPHS 392 and foundthat their GPAs were roughly equalto Knapps. Gary Mamprin 11, anIPHS concentrator and classmate ofKnapps, described her as the sopho-more, right? Yeah, she thinks shesthe shit, but she cant exactly run withthe big dogs.

Fresno refused to reveal with of hisIPHS 392 students he thought was thesmartest. When asked about Knapp,he said, Well, shes certainly en-

thusiastic. He would not conrm ordeny Mamprins claim that the classignores her. The class is mostly se-niors, he said, and as a sophomoreI think she struggles somewhat. Butshe brings a, um, different perspec-tive to the table.

Knapp contends that her differentperspective comes from actuallydoing the reading. And getting it. Iguess I just understand difcult con-cepts better than most people.

ophomore Pretty Sure Shes The Smartest One In Her Seminar

Its like, come on,graduate from tenthgrade already.

Swarm Of Bees Reclaims Wax Art Installat

comes. No, Im still OK. No man isan island, until they are stuck on afrozen one for the better part of twohours. My knees are buckling underthe strength it had taken just to staystanding. OH! Oh, no . . . this is it.

Nope, still upright, thank GodSome moments I pray for

so that Ill fall and maybe, just roll to solid ground. Other moI slap myself for thinking wicowardice.

From Help, page 5.

Lord Beeregard, who died in service to

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Kenyon Collegiate Issue 3.9