Kurt, From Fargo.

"Pilot"

Written By

Lance Presser

98-443 Ponohana Loop Aiea, HI 96701 (701) 212-5237 lance.presser@gmail.com

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BASEMENT GUEST ROOM - KURT'S HOUSE - SUNRISE The guest room looks as though Lance hasn't been there for very long. Some clothes are hanging up, but there are open suitcases scattered about the room. Lance's mobile phone alarms on with a pleasant chime and "Siri's" voice saying "good morning Lance, the local weather is currently -20 degrees Fahrenheit with blowing snow" and continues to repeat as Lance lays in bed with the covers pulled over his head. Lance slowly wakes up and we see a male, roughly 28 years old, blue eyes with a sparkle, brown hair in a mess, and in need of a shave. Lance turns off the alarm, climbs out of bed, puts on a pair of fuzzy Einstein slippers, and wanders down the short hallway into the bathroom.

SERIES OF SHOTS: Lance in the bathroom showering, and in his bedroom getting ready. Follow Lance to the kitchen for breakfast, where Kurt, is standing in just his boxers.

INT. KITCHEN - KURT'S HOUSE - SUNRISE KURT

(Male, roughly 29, slightly balding, slightly overweight, and very Midwestern, preparing his cereal)

I think I have found the secret to life.

LANCE

(Skeptically)

Really? KURT

Warm boxers in the morning. Just a minute in the dryer and you get a whole morning of happiness.

(Beat)

Totally worth it. Oh, and I need some Snuggle.

(pointing to the empty snuggle dryer sheet box)

Remind me later.

LANCE STARTS PREPARING HIS BREAKFAST, THEN GRABS THE MILK FROM NEAR KURT.

LANCE Did you just ask me to snuggle later?

(Beat)

Sometimes I worry about you. I worry about you accosting me in my sleep, and I am worried about you overheating your testicles with your morning underwear routine. Although the constant warmth of your genitals might be worth giving up your ability to have children, cause it sounds like it's arctic style out there again today. You may want to consider bundling your balls up tight today.

KURT

(Exaggerated Brrrrrr)

I hate this weather. It's so cold out I can smell it.

LANCE I'm pretty sure you can't smell cold

KURT I can once it hits 20 below.

LANCE What does it smell like?

KURT

It smells like white.

LANCE

Well, you either have synesthesia or the cold is affecting your orbital frontal cortex. Pull your hat down a little more next time you go out.

KURT

(Sideways, skeptical glance) I don't know why we live here.

LANCE

I don't know either. I often feel like the world is backwards though.

KURT What do you mean?

LANCE

Well, me and you would give anything to live in a desert oasis where the heat would force people to take their clothes off. But, in reality, a fair portion of the people that do live in the desert are doing everything they can to cover up their women and wear beards. It's all backwards, we should trade with them, everyone would be happier.

BOTH KURT AND LANCE GIGGLE AND SMIRK AT THEIR SHARED GENIUS AND CONTINUE EATING BREAKFAST, ADJUSTING CLOTHING, AND WATCHING THE LOCAL MORNING NEWS WHILE REFLECTING ON THEIR THOUGHTS.

KURT

So, what are you going to do if you classes are full of hot girls?

LANCE

I don't know. I am going to guess they won't be. I hope they aren't. I sort of want to keep this job.

KURT

Well one or two would be fun yeah?

LANCE

True, but that is what this weekend is for.

KURT

Yes!

(Solo fist-pump)

So, do you have everything ready? Lectures? Syllabi? Pencils?

LANCE

I think so. My first class isn't until ten so I will have some time to prep. I have some paper work to do, but I think I am ready for this.

(Psyching himself out)

It's going to be good.

KURT

We are still on for lunch?

LANCE

Noonish, at The Turf. Dan and Lucas still in?

KURT

Yeah.

LANCE Alright, I gotta run. Did you start our cars so they can warm up?

KURT Yup. They have been running since six.

LANCE What?!? That's almost two hours! C'mon, we have gone over this.

KURT

(Authoritatively) The price of gas will go down. The western part of the state is full of oil.

LANCE That's not how it works. It is a global economy. I will explain later. I better go before my car runs out of gas. See you at lunch.

TV V/O Up next is Saved by the Bell.

KURT

(Distracted) Ooooh! Saved by the Bell! Yeah, see you at lunch.

FADE OUT.

ACT TWO

INT. BOB MOOSE EQUIPMENT OFFICE BUILDING - KURT'S CUBICLE - 9 A.M.

KURT IS WORKING DILIGENTLY IN HIS VERY AVERAGE "MIDDLE MANAGEMENT" CUBICLE. HIS CUBICLE IS DECORATED WITH SPORTS TEAM PARAPHERNALIA FROM HIS ALMA MATER. TWO CO-WORKERS PASS BY OUTSIDE GREETING EACH OTHER "MORNING SCOTT", "MORNING WELLS" PAYING HOMAGE TO "TOP GUN".

AFTER A COUPLE OF SECONDS SHUFFLING PAPER AROUND, KURT GOES BACK TO HIS COMPUTER CHECKING THE PREVIOUS NIGHTS SPORTS SCORES.

JON

(Kurt's best friend at the office. A thin Nigerian who dresses flashier than others at the office, with a hint of accent. Stops by to lean up against the cubicle, coffee in hand.)

So, how about them Bison?

KURT

(Whirls his chair around dramatically, and slightly uncoordinated.)

Darn it, what a terrible game. I can't stand it. I hate the Jackrabbits.

OFFICE WORKER #1

(Overhearing the commotion, peaks his/her head over the cubicle wall.)

Why does coach not remember that he has a great front court? I don't know why on earth they can't score down low.

KURT

(Aggressively rubbing his face up and down)

I don't know, I don't know. That team makes me want to drink.

THE PHONE AT KURT'S DESK RINGS AND KURT SWINGS BACK IN HIS CHAIR TO ANSWER IT, FUMBLING THE ANSWERING PROCESS AND HITTING THE BISON BASKETBALL PLAYER BOBBLE HEAD DOLL ON HIS DESK, KNOCKING OFF THE DOLLS ARM.

KURT (CONT'D)

(Into the phone while picking up the pieces of the bobblehead doll)

Hello. Warranty Services, this is Kurt...Yes sir, I will be right in.

(Hangs up the phone)

JON

The boss man calls and you just jinxed the Bison for tonight. Not the way to start off the day buddy.

KURT GETS UP, PUSHES HIS CHAIR IN NICELY, AND GRABS AN IPAD.

KURT

The Bison are going to be just fine tonight, and as for the boss, I hope it's good news this time.

CUT TO:

KURT SITTING ACROSS THE DESK FROM HIS BOSSES RATHER EXTRAVAGANT OFFICE.

TRAVIS

(A strikingly handsome, dark- haired, physically-toned mid-30's man with a strong ego and stronger jawline)

Kurt, it's bad news little brother. We had to fire Montgomery today. He was embezzling money from his discretionary fund.

(Beat)

Guy had a serious gambling problem. Kept betting on high school football games and couldn't stay away from the curling sheet.

KURT

Well, that is a problem. You know I like curling as much as the next guy yeah, but I wouldn't want to risk my career over it.

(Thinking for a second)

Wasn't Montgomery up for the VP promotion?

TRAVIS

That is exactly what I wanted to talk to you about. You know Montgomery was getting his M.B.A. through the company's Golden Plow Program. You were number two.

(Chuckles sadistically)

Always the runner-up aren't ya? Well, Montgomery was number one, but he lost his plow.

KURT

(Guardedly)

What are you saying?

TRAVIS Little brother. How would you feel about an opportunity to really make a move here?

KURT

Oh, man. You betcha! This could be my big break yeah? I mean getting my M.B.A. And moving up to VP of the company.

(Beat)

Are you sure?

TRAVIS

Well, I would have to run it by HR, and there would have to be some paperwork, but with Montgomery gone, there isn't really anyone else better I can think of, plus mom's been asking me about helping you out at work lately so I figured this might get her off my back, kill two birds with one stone.

KURT

(Trying to act excited but with a serious tone)

Trav, I really appreciate it. I won't let you down.

WALKING OUT OF THE TRAVIS' OFFICE AND BACK TO HIS CUBICLE, KURT DOESN'T APPEAR ALL THAT EXCITED ABOUT THE NEWS AND AS HE SITS BACK DOWN AT HIS DESK HE OPENS THE TOP DRAWER AND THUMBS THROUGH BROCHURES FOR A HANDFUL OF TOP MIDWESTERN LAW SCHOOLS INCLUDING NEBRASKA, NORTHWESTERN, NOTRE DAME, AND MARQUETTE. KURT SIGHS LONGINGLY, AND STUFFS THEM BACK IN HIS DESK.

FADE OUT.

ACT THREE

INT. DAKOTA NORTH COMMUNITY COLLEGE - LANCE'S CLASSROOM - CLOSE TO NOON.

LANCE IS AT THE FRONT OF THE CLASSROOM LECTURING. IT IS A LOCAL COMMUNITY COLLEGE, OLDER, BUT WELL MAINTAINED, COLOR SCHEME STRAIGHT OUT OF THE 70'S. LANCE IS TEACHING WITHOUT TECHNOLOGY, SIMPLY LECTURING AND WRITING ON THE WHITEBOARD. THERE ARE ROUGHLY 15 STUDENTS IN CLASS, SOME LOOKING DISINTERESTED ALREADY, OTHERS VERY INTENT.

LANCE

(With his back to the class, writing on the board)

So, we have covered some of the basics of what bacteria and viruses are, and why they are important, but I want to leave you with a question to think about for next class.

(Turing to face the class)

Are viruses alive? Some things to consider when thinking about his question. First, how do you define life? Ability to replicate? Nucleic acid based genome? Second, can obligate parasites ever be entirely alive? Third, what if there are viruses that could "infect" other viruses? These are important questions you are going to have to answer first before getting to the primary query.

STUDENT #1

(Raising his/her hand)

What about computer viruses? They replicate, are they alive? And do you have the contact information for the IT department?

LANCE

(Small laugh)

You are going to have to persuade me with your assignment. There are no right or wrong answers here really. What is important is the information you use in your argument. And no, I don't have the IT department phone number.

(Pointing to the student's laptop)

(CONT.)

Good luck with that.

(Beat)

Hopefully the assignment goes well, and if any of you have any questions, feel free to e-mail me or stop by my office.

STUDENTS GET UP TO LEAVE AS LANCE SITS DOWN AT HIS DESK AND BEGINS LOOKING THROUGH A TEXTBOOK AND ORGANIZING SOME NOTE CARDS. ONE OF THE STUDENTS APPROACHES THE DESK.

ALEXANDRA

(Female, early 20's, dark, long hair, soft sensual eyes worth getting lost in, with the best laugh. Think Olivia Wilde in "Drinking Buddies".)

Dr. Presser?

LANCE

(Looking up from his paperwork)

Hi. Alexandra right?

ALEXANDRA Yeah.

LANCE

What's up?

ALEXANDRA

(Trying not to sound flirtatious but failing)

I just wanted to introduce myself, and say that I really thought class was great today. I was really worried about this class, but I think I am going to like it.

LANCE

(Awkwardly modest)

Oh...thank you. I thought I was maybe a bit shaky at first, but I think we all clicked a bit toward the end. Seems like an intelligent group. Did you have a

question about the assignment or anything?

ALEXANDRA

(Perkily twirling around and heading to the door)

No. Just sayin' hi. See you tomorrow Professa Press'a.

FADE OUT.

ACT FOUR

INT. BOB MOOSE EQUIPMENT OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - SLIGHTLY BEFORE NOON

KURT EXITS THE ELEVATOR INTO THE LOBBY OF HIS OFFICE BUILDING SAYING HELLO, GREETING EVERYONE HE WALKS BY AS IF HE KNOWS THEM (BECAUSE HE DOES), ALL WHILE PUTTING ON HIS WINTER HAT AND GLOVES TO HEAD OUTDOORS. AS HE IS WALKING TO HIS NEWISH FORD PICKUP TRUCK, HE RUNS INTO HIS CRUSH EMILY, WHO IS ON HER WAY TO WORK AT THE SALON IN THE LOBBY OF KURT'S OFFICE BUILDING.

EMILY

(Female, late 20's, tall, blonde and gorgeous with a slight indie edge that takes away from her natural beauty.)

(Yelling a bit across the parking lot)

Kurt!

KURT

(Turns and upon seeing Emily, smiles like a kid on Christmas morning)

Hey Emily, how are you doing on this fine day?

EMILY

Good, just a little late for work, as usual.

(With a lot of confidence Emily takes Kurt's hat off and runs her hand through Kurt's hair as he fidgets a little)

When are you coming in for a haircut?

KURT

(Smiling and blushing a little)

Well, you know, I should probably get one soon. Maybe next week?

EMILY

Oh shoot, next week I am not going to be in. I am going to Florida to spend some time on the beach and help my brother move into his new place. It's going to be great.

(CONT.)

I can't wait to move away from this weather.

KURT

I guess I could come in before you go maybe? Or I could wait until after you get back. Another week probably isn't going to hurt.

(Smiling)

Earlier is probably better though, waiting a week to see you is just too long.

EMILY

Oh you are too sweet. Stop by tomorrow and maybe we can put something on the schedule.

KURT Great, I can't wait. See you tomorrow.

EMILY Stay warm honey!

CUT TO: KURT DOING A POST-GAME STYLE PRESS CONFERENCE ON THE INTERACTION BETWEEN HIM AND EMILY

V/O REPORTER Kurt, how did you think the game went today?

KURT I think we played well today. Kept the game plan simple and we executed.

V/O REPORTER Kurt, looking forward to next week, can you speak to what your game strategy might be?

KURT Well, we have some time to prepare, I want to keep the game plan simple, but I feel like if we execute, and play our game, we always have a chance.

V/O REPORTER You do realize that you are 0-5 in the last couple of months? Are you worried about this current slump?

KURT No more questions.

KURT GETS UP AND EXITS STAGE RIGHT LEAVING THE PRESS CONFERENCE

FADE OUT.

ACT 5

INT. DIVE BAR AND GRILL - LUNCH

DAN AND LUCAS ARE ALREADY IN A SIDE BOOTH AS KURT ENTERS INTO THE BAR. IT IS THE LUNCH RUSH. THIS IS A COMMON MEETING PLACE FOR THE GUYS AND THEY ARE RECOGNIZED BY OTHER REGULARS AND STAFF. THE BAR IS THE LOCAL COLLEGE BAR, STAFFED AND FREQUENTED BY A COLLEGE CROWD. THE MOST IMPORTANT REGULAR IS THE OLD PROFESSOR WHO WORKS AT HIS LAPTOP IN THE CORNER TABLE WITH A TUMBLER OF BRANDY. LANCE IS IN THE BATHROOM, BUT EVENTUALLY HE COMES OUT AND THE GUYS CATCH A GLIMPSE OF HIM TALKING WITH THE OLD PROFESSOR. THIS IS OUT OF PLACE. NO ONE APPROACHES THE OLD GUY BESIDES THE WAIT STAFF. KURT WALKS THROUGH THE BAR WAVING AND NODDING TO A FEW PEOPLE AND SITS DOWN WITH THE GUYS. THE FIRST THING HE DOES IS CHECK THE STATUS OF THE KETCHUP BOTTLE. KURT LOVES KETCHUP.

DAN

(Indian-American male, late 20's, very little accent if any, not a stereotype.)

I hate this weather.

LUCAS

(Male, late 20's, overweight, glasses, and balding but sort of boyishly cute.)

Yeah, nothing like getting up at 6 A.M., still dark out, blowing snow, and walking the dog. The darn thing doesn't even want to go outside. It is more of a drag than a walk when it gets this cold.

DAN

Mine too. And then of course the wife forgets to plug in her car last night, so I had to jump it before work this morning. Makes no sense, she remembers every single bad thing I said or did last year, can't remember to plug in her car when it gets cold.

LUCAS

(Looking at his phone)

More bad news, looks like Ironside (the real player Kurt's broken bobblehead represents) got hurt this morning and isn't going to be playing tonight.

KURT

(Shocked and upset)

What?!? Ah! What happened?

LUCAS

(Reading from his phone)

I guess he was walking to the training facility this morning and someone accidentally pushed him down the stairs, doesn't sound too major though. Just hurt his arm.

KURT

Oh lord, I have to be more careful with that bobblehead.

DAN

What?

KURT

(Realizing the others might think he's crazy)

Oh, never mind. Just something that happened this morning in the office. So how's work going?

DAN

Oh you know, nothing much changes. We have some deadlines coming up for the new operating system. Some portal work that we need to finish coding. Working on some new app designs. Yadda, Yadda, Yadda. We did just get a couple of new guys in on my team straight from India.

LUCAS I got a new guy in my group too.

DAN

Watching the imports deal with the cold is amazing. One of the guys is working in his cube, in his coat and hat. It's 70 degrees in the office, which is like winter to them.

LUCAS

The new guy in my group, Phalguni. Guy brought in his own space heater and actually started his cubicle on fire. Still didn't fire the guy though because of VISA issues. But he's alright, he tells me about his favorite cricket team sometimes and every now and then he brings in samosas that his wife cooks.

KURT

Jon was kinda like that coming from Nigeria, he's been here like five years and he still complains almost every day starting in November all the way to spring.

COMMOTION OF SOME KIND TO PROVIDE A NATURAL BREAK IN THE CONVERSATION FOR A RESET.

DAN

I am getting a bit dreary of the day- to-day though. I've been working on an app of sorts in my spare time. I think it has a lot of potential.

KURT

What's it do?

LUCAS

It's for porn right?

DAN

Oh everything is for porn. Starting with the Polaroid and...

LUCAS

(Cutting in)

Yeah, yeah, but it's for porn right?

DAN

Oh come on, you know I am just the developer. Where it goes, nobody knows.

KURT AND LUCAS

(Looking at each other, in unison)

Porn.

DAN

Ugh.

LUCAS

There's no shame in it. It's a billion dollar industry. If you are having fun with it, who cares where it goes?

DAN

Yeah, and I am sure Chris Knight said the same thing about the chemical laser he built. And we all know how that turned out!

LUCAS

What's the worst that could happen?

DAY DREAM SEQUENCE FOR ALL THREE OF THEM ABOUT THE WORST POSSIBLE CONSEQUENCES.

DAN Ugh.

LANCE IN THE MEANTIME WALKS BACK FROM THE BATHROOM AND IN THE VIEW OF THE CAMERA BRIEFLY SAYS SOMETHING TO THE OLD PROFESSOR IN THE CORNER WHO WE DON'T GET A CLEAR SHOT OF HIS FACE, AND THEN COMES AND SITS AT THE TABLE JUST IN TIME FOR...

KURT

(Looking at his phone while Lance approaches)

Hey guys, it looks like Amanda is going to be in town tonight.

DAN Oh? What's up?

KURT I guess her dad is sick or something. She's going to come over to the house tonight.

LUCAS It'll be nice to see her again, it's been awhile.

KURT

(Taking off his sweater) Man, I have been warm all day.

LUCAS How? It's freezing out there.

KURT I am wearing my new sack sweater.

DAN Do I dare ask? I mean this is going to be what I think it is right?

KURT It is a fleece sack to keep my boys from freezing.

DAN Please tell me you are kidding.

LUCAS So it's a sack sack.

KURT Lance told me to bundle up.

LANCE Leave me out of this. I want nothing to do with the warmth of your scrotum.

KURT So, any hotties in class this morning?

(rubbing his hands together with a slight touch of crazy eyes)

LUCAS Calm down there Romeo.

LANCE Yes Kurt, there are some very talented girls at the college.

KURT Nice!

DAN Maybe you should go back to school Kurt.

KURT As a matter of fact, you are looking at a future MBA'er.

LUCAS Really?

KURT I am unofficially in the Golden Plow Program at work.

LANCE I thought you got passed up for that.

KURT I did originally, but the guy in front of me had a rock problem.

LUCAS Crack or curling?

KURT Curling.

DAN Canadian crack.

LUCAS Either way, congratulations.

WAITER/WAITRESS APPROACHES

WAITER/WAITRESS Hey boys, what are we having today?

FADE OUT

ACT 5

KURT IS BACK AT THE OFFICE IN A CONFERENCE ROOM BY HIMSELF WORKING AT A LAPTOP. THERE ARE TWO CONFERENCE PHONES IN MIDDLE OF THE TABLE AND KURT APPEARS TO BE PHYSICALLY SETTING UP FOR A CONFERENCE CALL.

PEOPLE START FILING INTO THE CONFERENCE ROOM AND THERE IS SOME SMALL TALK BETWEEN THE PEOPLE COMING IN THE DOOR AS WELL AS SOME HEAD NODS AND OTHER MINOR ACKNOWLEDGMENTS TOWARD KURT (IMPROVISE AREA).

AN OVER THE SHOULDER CAMERA SHOT SHOWS KURT WORKING, AND ON A SLIP OF PAPER SHOWS A PHONE NUMBER "1-800-XXX-XXXX" AND THEN SHOW KURT DIALING IT ON PHONE AS "1-900-XXX-XXXX". IT RINGS TWICE OVER THE SPEAKER AS KURT GETS UP AND HEADS TO THE FRONT OF THE ROOM NEAR THE WHITEBOARD.

V/O PHONE Welcome to the woman inside of you. I am blessed that you are interested in the womanly lifestyle.

THE PEOPLE IN THE ROOM AT THIS POINT ARE SMILING AND SOME ARE LAUGHING (IMPROVISE AREA). KURT IS FREAKING OUT AND TRYING TO GET TO THE PHONE TO HANG IT UP.

KURT Oh no. Oh no. This is definitely not the right number. This is definitely not the right number.

V/O PHONE Press 1 if you would like to order my new book, "Estragenary" (pronounced like extraordinary)...

JON

(Laughing) I don't know Kurt, this sounds a lot more interesting than anything that we were going to be talking about on the conference call!

V/O PHONE Press 2 if you would like to order my video series, "How to explain your womanhood"...

OFFICE WORKER #1

(Laughing)

Something you want to tell us Kurt?

KURT FINALLY GETS THE PHONE HUNG UP AND THE MESSAGE STOPS.

KURT No! I am all man!

JON Yeah, a man who can't dial a phone number.

KURT

(Redialing number) Ha! Laugh it up chuckles.

THE PHONE BEGINS RINGING ON THE OTHER END AND THE INSTANT IT CONNECTS, NUMEROUS PEOPLE START MAKING FUN OF HIM, BUT ALL IN A GOOD NATURED WAY (IMPROVISE AREA).

FADE OUT WITH KURT LOOKING SLIGHTLY STRESSED BUT RELIEVED THE ORDEAL IS OVER

ACT 6

INT. KURT'S HOUSE -- EVENING NUMEROUS GUESTS PRESENT WITH THE GAME ON TV.

KURT

(Sitting next to Lucas and his wife Kristi on couch)

I am excited for this game!

LUCAS

Even though you broke Ironside's arm with your voodoo magic?

KURT

I do not have voodoo powers.

(Then turning to glare at Kristi)

Or do I?

KRISTI

(Female, late 20's, short with a short haircut. An artist, not model skinny, could be nerd-hipster.)

Eh, maybe not, unless googley eyes or decreasing female libido is a voodoo power.

LUCAS

(To Kristi) I think you should paint Kurt sometime. He would make a "unique" model.

KRISTI I could use the practice. I haven't painted nudes in a long time.

KURT

(Shaking his head)

No, No, I don't expose myself to taken women.

DAN What about your hot neighbor?

KURT That was an accident. She wasn't supposed to be looking through the fence, and my towel wasn't supposed to fall off.

DOORBELL RINGS AND KURT JUMPS UP TO GET IT ANTICIPATING MORE GUESTS FOR THE PARTY.

ENTER AMANDA.

AMANDA

(Female, late 20's, mixed or multiple races.)

What up kids!

KURT GIVES AMANDA A BIG HUG IN THE DOORWAY WHILE EVERYONE SAYS HELLO IN A VARIETY OF WAYS.

KURT Hey, how's your Dad?

AMANDA Not good. Sounds like he could be in the hospital for at least another week and then after that, even if he does pull through they don't think he will be able to go back to work.

KURT That sucks. So what's going to happen with the place?

AMANDA I think I am going to stay here and take over. Maybe get Michelle to come up and help out, at least for the time being. We have both been looking for a reason to get out of Minneapolis and as unfortunate as it is, this might be the reason.

KURT Well it would be great to have you here for at least a little while, that's for sure.

AMANDA Yeah, so I'm not late am I?

KURT Game just started, you hungry? Thirsty?

AMANDA I could use a beer for sure.

KURT In the fridge dear, whatever you want, mi casa es su casa.

AMANDA HEADS TO THE FRIDGE AND OPENS THE DOOR. SHE GRABS A LARGE JAR WITH A DARK LIQUID AND A GIANT SNOTTY, THICK MASS FLOATING IN IT.

AMANDA Gross! Kurt! What is this?

KURT Aggh! Lance! What are you growing in my fridge?

LANCE

It's a symbiotic colony of bacteria and yeast. You can drink it. It's good for you.

(Beat)

It's also probably not the worst thing in your fridge right now.)

KURT What's wrong with you?

LANCE Oh it's fine, once I set up some lab space at the school and out in the shed...

KURT Oh no! The shed is for shed things, not Doctor Frankenlance things.

KRISTI Maybe you could build Kurt a girlfriend.

KURT

(Pointing) Ew. Not if she looks like that thing.

LANCE Kurt doesn't need a girlfriend. Apparently Kurt has had a woman inside of him all along.

EVERYONE What?!? (Laughing)

DAN I think that's backwards.

KURT You just had to tell them.

LANCE Kurt's conference call took a near "R-rated" turn this afternoon. Leave it to the MBA to screw up a phone number.

KURT Yes, but while there was a little SNAFU this afternoon, I also already told the guys at lunch, I also may be getting a promotion.

EVERYONE Various forms of congratulations (Improvise).

AMANDA So let me get this straight. You got offered a promotion, even though you can't get a simple conference call right?

KURT Well, technically I got the offer before I screwed up the conference call.

AMANDA Ah, well now it makes sense.

LANCE

(Suggestively) Oh, I am sure he earned it in other ways.

KRISTI That a boy Kurt! Sleeping your way to the top.

KURT Oh I did not!

AMANDA Well you are hot enough, I could see it.

KURT I am hot enough! I am the most eligible bachelor in Fargo!

LOUD NOISE COMES FROM THE TV AND THERE IS SOME ACTION IN THE BASKETBALL GAME THAT BRIEFLY DISTRACTS EVERYONE FROM THE CONVERSATION

KURT (CONT'D)

(As he bounds into his bedroom) I almost forgot to show everyone my new "game-watching" hat.

KURT COMES OUT OF HIS ROOM WEARING A COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS LOOKING HAT OF SOME KIND THAT CORRESPONDS TO HIS ALMA MATER'S TEAM COLORS.

KURT (CONT'D) Is it on straight?

LUCAS Yes, but I think your face is crooked.

EVERYONE LAUGHS AND JOKES AND CONTINUES WATCHING THE GAME, EATING, DRINKING, AND GENERALLY HAVING A GOOD TIME (IMPROVISE)

FADE OUT

TAG

FADE IN:

INT. KURT'S HOUSE -- EVENING

KURT

(Talking into phone while sitting on the couch, book open in his lap)

Yes...Yes...Yes...Yes...No...No...Oh! Finally! Thank you. I had just one simple question for you. Your book has been such an inspiration. I have been struggling with female relations and the top 10 list for single men in chapter 6 mentions "manscaping". I tried Googling it, but all the pictures were way too graphic.

(BEAT)

AT THIS POINT LANCE COMES UP THE STEPS BEHIND KURT, OVERHEARING THE CONVERSATION.

KURT (CONT'D) Uh Huh. Oh I see. So maybe a heart or a star or something. Hmm, that sounds nice.

KURT REALIZES LANCE IS IN THE ROOM.

KURT (CONT'D)

(Hurriedly) Okay, I gotta go. Thanks. Bye!

LANCE So...planning on doing a little personal grooming huh?

KURT What? How did you...I mean I don't know what you are talking about.

LANCE

(Pointing at the book) Chapter 6 was my favorite too.

OPENS SHIRT WITH FLAIR TO SHOW A DNA DOUBLE HELIX.

FADE OUT.