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16 October 20, 2011 MAZEL TOV! www.jewishexponent.com
According to Jewish tradi-tion, a child who be-comes Bar Mitzvah or
Bat Mitzvah assumes the full re-sponsibilities of all other mem-bers of the Jewish community,including counting toward aminyan (quorum of 10) forprayer services, reciting Kid-dush and fasting on Yom Kippur.
With the milestone, the chil-dren/adults begin to undertakemore roles and activities gener-ally, push the limits of their ca-pabilities and assert a “can do”attitude that augurs their bur-geoning independence.
The trying-new-things rangemay be marked by performingadditional household tasks, go-ing away with friends for theweekend, visiting Israel withteen groups rather than withfamily members, volunteering inthe community and taking onsummer jobs.
As they begin to assess the
world and ponder their place init, the new B’nai Mitzvah con-sider such crucial questions as,“ ‘How do we take our Judaisminto our own hands?’ and ‘Howdo we act as ritual Jews and asethical Jews?’ ” said Larry Ser-novitz, associate rabbi at Abing-ton’s Old York Road Temple —Beth Am.
“This is part of the challengeof how Judaism extends itssense of relevance after Bar andBat Mitzvah. It’s the sense of re-sponsibility to engage in Torahand engage in the greaterworld.”
While a necessary stage for achild, the maturation processthat the simcha launches can bebittersweet for parents unwill-ing or unready to let go. Thosemore inclined to extend theleash see the child’s spreadinghis or her wings as healthy, sothey encourage new endeavors.
As much as I missed my son
Gil, 14, who attended Massachu-setts’s Camp Ramah in July, Ismiled with pride when he wroteto ask to extend his stay throughAugust. Gil’s request was thebest indication that he was hav-ing a wonderful time — all themore so when he told me (in afollow-up conversation he initi-ated from his contraband cellphone, the little devil!) that hisbunkmates had lobbied him tostay. Needless to say, he remainedthe extra four weeks.
At the same time, my elderson Yossi, now 16, asserted him-self by undertaking two huge re-sponsibilities this past summer:earning his learner’s permit todrive, and working a full-time jobas a tennis instructor-counselorat a Jewish Community Centerday camp. The two are linked be-cause Yossi is applying the earn-ings toward his goal of purchas-ing either a laptop computer or,down the road, his own car.
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ClaimingResponsibilities
Finding the best ways to continue your child’s post-simcha journey toward independence.
By Hillel Kuttler
www.jewishexponent.com JEWISH EXPONENT October 20, 2011 17
Both boys, meanwhile, con-tinue to embrace their new Jew-ish communal roles by signingup for weekly Torah-reading as-signments in our synagogue’steen services.
Ronit Brookman experiencedparental ambivalence earlier inthe summer. She urged her sonJoseph, who had just completedninth grade, to participate in aBaltimore Zionist District-spon-sored Israel trip because sheknew he’d have a formative ex-perience by spending a monththere with 30 peers. But Brook-man also witnessed Joseph’sclassmate weeping when herparents denied the girl’s requeststo participate. The parents toldBrookman that they were notready to let their daughter go offon the trip; perhaps next sum-mer or the one after, they said.
Brookman confessed to expe-riencing emotional difficulty ofher own — “It was challengingand a bit nerve-wracking” — tosend Joseph away for all of July.He had been to sleepaway camps,but Israel was different due tothe great distance and becausehe’d be inaccessible by telephoneexcept in emergencies.
Pushing him to participate,though, was a no-brainer fromthe perspectives of both his per-sonal and Jewish development,Brookman said. The payoffcame when Joseph returnedfrom Israel, proclaiming thathe’d enjoyed his best summerever.
“I wanted him to go for thesame reason we moved to Balti-more from San Antonio and whyhe attends a Jewish school: thestrengthening of his Jewishidentity, becoming part of ourpeople, becoming a mensch andknowing who he is. Judaism ismore than a religion. It’s a giftthat parents give their kids. Thefocus on Jewish education, Is-rael, the life of a Jew — all of itis weaved together,” she ex-plained.
“Letting him go and be on hisown for a month was, in somesense, letting him train to be agrown-up. It’s a preliminary[step] for him to be on his own,anyway.”
For Neil Weiss of New York,the Bat Mitzvah last winter ofhis youngest daughter Kira sig-naled several developmentalsteps. For one, she was oldenough to accept neighbors’ re-quests to babysit.
“It’s a coming-of-age thing.Right now, she’s babysitting fora friend’s youngest son for three
hours,” he said. “The first timeshe did that was last week.There’s the sense I have, and thatshe has, that she’s old enough tobabysit. The benefits are that shelearns responsibility and how totake care of other kids, sheearns money and learns timemanagement: She has to be thereat a certain time, know when thekids go to bed and to arrange aride home.”
Weiss interrupted the con-versation for a moment. He re-turned to say that Kira reportedfeeding her charge lunch andplaying basketball with him.
When Kira and sisters Elizaand Danielle became Bat Mitz-vah, Weiss provided each girlwith a cell telephone, figuringthat “it was a good thing to re-ward them with, that we’rehanding you this expensive de-
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Parents’ serving as strong role modelsthrough their actions are important,especially with the child on the cuspof adolescence.
18 October 20, 2011 MAZEL TOV! www.jewishexponent.com
vice, and you have to be respon-sible enough to use it, not abuseit, not lose it.”
Weiss recalled his own BarMitzvah in Cleveland as an em-powering Jewish experience.
“To me, 13 was the age I’d
start to lein and lead daveningin shul,” he said, referring tochanting the Torah and leadingprayer services. “Those weremy milestones. Better than that,I got paid for it. Soon, I starteddoing the entire Torah reading.I alternated weeks with myfriend Jeff; we’d get $25 or $50each week, which was greatmoney back in the ’70s. Theywere paying me for somethingI’d have done for free! It wasgreat that the shul would trustme enough to show up and toread Torah, which was some-thing very important to them.”
All B’nai Mitzvah kids areextolled for their accomplish-ments. It is the wise congrega-
tion that alerts them to the cruxof the matter: that reaching themilestone is not the culminationof their Jewish learning and in-volvement, but the beginning.Often, though, such words comeacross as empty rhetoric.
Rabbi Sernovitz called theperiod a “huge age vacuum,” inwhich children turning BarMitzvah and Bat Mitzvah beginto steer their own ship. At thispoint, parents, if they have notyet done so, must engage chil-dren in opportunities “to makea difference” in their Jewishsurroundings, he said.
“We have to encourage ourkids, to say, ‘You have as muchrole in this world as anyone,whether it’s going to a shivaminyan, attending services ormaking a meal upon the birth ofa friend’s child.’ There are lotsof ways to be out there andmake a difference,” he said.
Having parents serve asstrong role models throughtheir actions is important, es-pecially with the child on thecusp of adolescence, he added.
“[Kids] need to know thatwe’re not just looking out forourselves, but being part of thecommunity. If we’re not doingit, why would a child do it?”
The ultimate parental andcommunal message to B’naiMitzvah, he said, is that “the fu-ture of the Jewish communitysits on your shoulders as you ac-cept the Torah.”
Hillel Kuttler is a frequentcontributor to Special Sections.
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Claiming ResponsibilitiesContinued from page 17
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