Live and Let Love: Notes from Extraordinary Women... Edited by Andrea Buchanan

8/8/2019 Live and Let Love: Notes from Extraordinary Women... Edited by Andrea Buchanan

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Live nd let love : notes from extrordinr women on the lers,

the lughter, nd the litter of love / edited nd with n introductionb andre Buchnn. First Gller Boos hrcover ed.

p. cm.1. Loveeligious spectsChristinit. 2. Mn-womn

reltionships. 3. elf-reliztion in women. 4. piritullife. . Buchnn, andre.

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iNtroduCtioN

There is nothing more universl thn love. ts wht wedesire to feel, dore to bestow, ght to chieve, nd grieve when

its gone. ome would s love is the reson we re here . . . to

give nd receive it.ince the dwn of humnind, love hs been studied, pon-

dered, ponticted nd written bout b scholrs nd sges of

ntiquit. From aristotle to austen to phron, love undorned

nd unrequited hs been in stle. he Hol Bible is one of the

oldest texts to tl bout love nd cn liel be credited with

strting the innite fd: love is essentil to living fith-

ful life. ne pssge nd prticulrl striing in its deni-

tion of love nd its mening ws written b the apostle Pul in

Corinthins:13.

And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all myster-

ies, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I can

remove mountains, and have not love, I am nothing.


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2 I n t RoDUc t I on

rst strted to understnd tht pssge when ws fourteen

ers old. int Pul imprted to me tht even with exlted

powers, nd surrounded b gifts, without love everthing else ismeningless. grew up in exs nd hd found God in

smll, nondenomintionl Bible church. No one else in m

fmil went to church but me. ws in serch of mening nd

hd deep questions bout fith, but lso hd crush on bo,

who would become m high school sweethert. He ws fteen,

hd cr, nd ws llowed to ride in it with him s long s

went to church nd cme stright home. o did, religiousl, toever und service (morning nd night) nd Wednesd eve-

nings for Bible tud. would hold Bens hnd on our cr rides,

nd during the und outh group pizz prties. rl on in

this phse, memorized Corinthins: 13, nd would recite it to

mself. ws flling in love for the rst time nd felt tht the

words in Corinthins hd been written just for me. t ws

mgicl time nd cn still recll the w felt when wsround Ben lie it ws esterd. t ws so new, so innocent nd

pure. Whether we were driving with the windows down on hot

exs summer night, or enjoing rst iss under the blech-

ers fter Frid night footbll gme, or discovering one n-

other under the blnets on vn ride to Colordo, flling in

love for the rst time ws religious experience.

ix ers nd couple of pinful breups lter, Ben nd

hd moved on to dierent colleges nd other reltionships.

God, s dened b the Church, becme less importnt to me.

Love, on the other hnd, ws still supremel high priorit.

During this time, embred upon wht would become pro-

trcted journe through bridesmids hell, where love hides,

usull under rds upon rds of tet. Prticipting in the


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I n t RoDUct I on 3

rst wedding where hd to bu m own dress nd mtching

shoes, too m plce next to the other eight best friends nd

bridesmids, nd hd n unexpected png of beutiful mem-ories nd love lost when the precher red from Corinthins.

He lso too the opportunit to invite none who hd not been

sved in his cptive udience to come up nd ccept Jesus Christ

s their sviour before the groom issed the bride. lie good

two for one sle, but even thought it ws bit chep. about

tht time, sw m fther, who is striing six foot one nd

esil gitted, stnd up nd wl out of the church to go hve smoe, while m beutiful mother sted ptientl in her set.

He ws n gnostic, bordering on theist, nd unsvble, nd

she would never leve before the curtin cll. after few lost

souls found their slvtion s did some nee bends to eep

from finting, the groom issed the bride, the precher red

the fmous verse, nd quietl wept, mourning the pssing of

m outhful rst love, nd wishing tht one d might hve wedding, without tet, but certinl with Corinthins.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is

not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily an-

gered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but

rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always

hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

While no longer consider mself prcticing Christin, con-

sider biblicl techings long with philosophicl texts from

ntiquits timeless studies of love s more of n open-ended

question thn n bsolute fct, nd highl vlue them s t-

tempt to understnd loves lers nd complexities. With love


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there is no bsolute. here re some ver smrt people out

there who hve studied this topic extensivel. m certinl not

scholr of love, with miniml courses in philosoph t theUniversit of North exs under m belt. M understnding of

love comes from the school of hrd nocs. spe from m

own experiences of m hert opening nd shttering from love

fullled nd unrequited, s do m fellow stortellers in this

boo.

However, for moment ll put m scholrl shortcom-

ings side to oer quic refresher. he nglish etmolog ofthe word love derives from the Germnic form of the n-

srit lubhwhich mens desire. and while desire certinl hs

something to do with feelings tht seem lie love, desire lone

is not love. as we ll now, there re so mn more forms of

love thn just ll-out-crz-for-ou lust. But lust cn be lot of

funnd sometimes dngerous, which cn just dd to the rush.

Cse in point: m college crush, who ll cll John. We wereboth sophomores when we met. He ws igm Phi psilon

frternit brother nd ws n honorr little sister to the fr-

ternit. He nd loved to dnce, nd somehow our grooves t.

ver time song from the bnd New rder would come on t

prt, we would nd one nother nd cler the oor. ur con-

nection ws rhthmicll deep, nd ws mdl in lust. John

ws dngerous bd bo with lot of hrd edges, nd n in-

credibl soft spirit. He ws Ptric wze inDirty Dancing, nd

wnted to be his Bb. He rode motorccle, ever other

word out of his mouth ws of the four-letter vriet, nd when

we werent getting our groove on t frternit prties we would

trvel the fort miles into downtown Dlls nd dnce until the

clubs closed.


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I n t RoDUct I on 5

here ws lws n element of dnger when ws with

John, nd et lws felt sfe, becuse he hd tht alph mle,

bdss thing going on. here ws n bndoned wrehouse indowntown Dlls tht he new bout tht grti rtists used s

cnvs. We would bre into it nd leve our rtistic imprint

with spr cn, smoe some weed, nd me out. t ws in n

undesirble nd somewht dngerous prt of the cit, nd fr

cr from m church ds, but loved the thrill of it. We were

never ocill bofriend nd girlfriend, but tht ws o,

new wht we hd ws specil, even if jil time ws possibleconsequence. ws hot for him nd his alph nture. Philoso-

ph invoes this ind of love sErosthe prt of love constitut-

ing sexul desire nd pssion. rotic love is fun, its sometimes

dngerous, nd believe its necessr, for without it none of us

would exist. m prett sure John would gree.

he pssionte reltionship tht John nd shred, over

time turned into more of fondness nd friendship. aristotlews obsessed with this ind of love, which he clled Philia

fondness of ones fmil, friends, politicl communit, job, or

discipline. Loving fmil nd friends comes prett esil to

most people. Loving job is dierent stor. relize tht in

tods world, where so mn people re unemploed, the ide

tht ou love wht ou do is often foreign concept. n perfect

world, we would ll love our wor, but life certinl isnt perfect

nd loving wht ou do is luxur tht not everone cn ord.

ve been fortunte in the wor deprtment nd found some-

thing love to do, but it wsnt lws the cse.

as longtime producer of television in Hollwood, hd be-

gun to feel disstised with the inds of projects ws involved

with. o in 2004, n election er, decided to me docu-


8/13


mentr lm with some friends bout the Mrch for Womens

Lives in Wshington, D.C. While the gig didnt p well, it ws

thrilling to be t the helm of project tht found mening-ful. M politicl ctivist side ws lit up nd new tht for me,

nding mening in m wor life ws no longer luxur, it ws

n bsolute necessit. after tht project ended nd found m-

self in blc hole of lming relit television shows, longed

for something more. longed to be in love with m wor. Lie

some of the contributors who shre their stories in the pges

to come, thin flling in love with wht ou do cn bsolutelresult in helth, stisfing reltionship tht oers plent of

sustinment, in ddition to the belief tht nding love in n-

other person will come.

he nl ind of love s dened b the Gree philosophers

is beond the erthl plesures of lust, fmil, nd wor. t is

the ll-encompssingAgape, which, pproprited b Christin

theolog, is the pternl love of God for mn nd mn for God.However, would rgue thtAgape is the purest form of love for

ech other. he concept tht love is pece nd mutul respect,

if trul prcticed nd dopted, might end ll wr. mgine tht!

John Lennon certinl did, nd long with the other fb three

put tht ide into words, giving us some of the best love songs

ever written. all ou need is Lovethe Betles bridged

Corinthins!

a primer on how gret thiners dene love wouldnt be

complete if didnt include the mn who wrote rgubl the

most powerful wors on the subject: the Brd himself. anone

who hs ever fllen hrd cn identif with hesperes pls

prticulrl if the pic up one of his trgedies in the ftermth

of getting dumped, since hesperes ide of love unfullled


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I n t RoDUct I on 7

ws trgic. you either love oryou die, in the cse of omeo nd

Juliet or Hmlet nd pheli.

When Ben, m rst love, let go of m hnd nd broe upwith me, felt lie Juliet nd pheli one hundred times over.

stopped eting. cried ll d, ever d. cried before school;

during mth, histor, nd nglish clsses; nd fter school

woring s checout girl t the om humb grocer store.

he bgs under m ees were so big could hve pced them

nd gone on vction. literll begged Ben to te me bc,

in between sobs, sitting in his bnn ellow Cutlss upreme,where our hnd-holding begn. told him couldnt live with-

out him, nd ment it. He ws ver sweet when he told me

he ws sorr, it ws over. and to top it o, m trged pled

out the sme wee of cheerleding trouts, which in exs

is tntmount to the lmpic rils with pom-poms. o dd

slt to the lred open wound, didnt me the cheerled-

ing tem. t ws ejection with cpitl . Fortuntel, no onein m hesperen trged died. But it felt lie deth t the

time.

ventull, replced the hesperen trged with

Hollwood movie, love t rst sight moment tht some-

times, even to this d, nd hrd to believe. ixteen ers go

met m husbnd, Json, in smo, diml lit br thns to n

introduction b Pul udd, who ws just strting his cting c-

reer. Json hd just returned from summer t xford Univer-

sit where he studied clssicl theter with the Juillird chool,

nd Json nd Pul becme close friends. Pul convinced J-

son to me the move from New yor to Los angeles to pursue

cting nd he hd been in Los angeles exctl two wees the

night met him. Json ws brooding rtist, hndsome, nd


10/13


he ws uent in French. thought he ws out of m legue, not

just becuse of the sex foreign lnguge thing, not to mention

the xford thing, but becuse didnt believe t the time tht might ctull fll in love with someone who would not onl

love me bc but ctch me when fell nd give me hnd so tht

could get up.

Up until meeting Json, ept tring to engge in love to

plese the other person. after prticulrl one-sided romnce

with much older mn who gve me jr of Dijon mustrd for

m twent-third birthd, nd the period of celibc nd self-serching tht ensued, b m twent-fth birthd ws red

to be in reltionship gin. M der friend nd roommte,

Jill, nd did n improvised rin dnce in our itchen, onl

we wnted it to rin bofriends for ech of us. We were ver

specic with our wishes: the gus hd to be romntic, gener-

ous, enlightened, mture, smrt, respectful, nd nice. Which,

t the time, seemed lie tll order, considering tht m lstbofriend, the Dijon-giver, broe up with me on lentines

D. Within wee fter tht dnce, wled into tht smo

br with sense of pece nd jo, nd the proverbil lightning

strie hppened the moment met Json. remember sing

to Jill, m going to mrr tht gu, lie it ws esterd. he

words ew out of m mouth s es s ll hve nother drin.

didnt intellectulize the thought, just felt it, nd then de-

clred it. t ws feeling tht ws born out of priml instinct,

nowledge tht the potentil for love ws in the room nd with

m potentil life prtner.

Json nd didnt rush into wedding, b n stretch. t

too us bout eight ers, nd lot of bc-nd-forth, to nll

me tht commitment. B tht point, ll m ers s brides-


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I n t RoDUct I on 9

mid, stnding in tet, dreming of the d where would

her Corinthins, felt lie someone elses life rther thn m

own. ht girl ws long gone, nd this new L.a. womn, whohd looed for love in ll the wrong plces, ws independent,

somewht condent, nd certinl didnt feel lie she needed

mrrige license to be loved. he truth ws, ws terried to

commit on tht level, on government level, on level tht if

ever wnted to get out, would need lwer, not just some csh

in the bn nd m cr.

But the big d rrived, nd hve picture from it tht dore. he imge is of m fther wling behind me holding m

gorgeous er Wng gown tht m sister, Cind, so generousl

bought for me, so tht it wouldnt drg in the dirt. t ws n out-

door wedding, t friends estte in the Hollwood Hills, nd

the isle consisted of dirt pth surrounded b ominous, lrge,

prehistoric ccti. n the photogrph it loos s though m

running nd m dd is pushing me down the meshift isle,becuse if te m time, might chnge m mind. M mouth

is ming n shpe, nd the cption, if there ws one, would

red: h shit, cnt believe m doing this. ts denitel not

our tpicl serene, hopeful, smiling bride photo-op, but more

long the lines of Clmit Jne meets unw Bride.

as we stood in the middle of big circle of our friends with

ih guru nd beloved friend s our ocint nd minister,

we included Jewish prers, Ntive americn rituls, nd the

Betles n M Life pled on n luminum cello bellowing

cross the cnon. frmed tht picture of me nd m dd, nd

it sits on m nightstnd to remind me of how fr ve come; tht

m fer of losing m freedom or m identit ws ultimtel just

feeling, nd tht would hve never mrried Json if losing


12/13


either one ws going to be prt of the del. he truth is feel

more liberted in this prtnership thn did out of it. t ws

beutiful d, nd while we didnt red from Corinthins, it wsbsolutel divine.

Four ers fter our wedding d, codirected nd wrote

short lm bout love nd longevit in mrrige. n the script,

kris kristoerson, who pls the husbnd, is cring for his

ding wife in n .. When sed b oung nurse pled b

obin Wright wht the secret to love ws, he ss, t in the

room, which ccounts for the theme of the lm nd spesto the ide of not leving when things get rell dicult nd

when things dont come es. ht life lesson ws imprted

to me from beloved therpist to mn of m friends, nd in

turn to me through them, nd we hve used it throughout the

ers whether we re tling bout our friendships or our ro-

mntic reltionships. B sting in the room there wont lws

be lightning stries, lthough those still hppen, but more liesmll res tht continue to burn if the re stoed.

M life with Json is the wrm glowing re tht cn pe

with vibrnt mesnd we hve sted in the room together

when the oxgen ws thin nd brething ws dicult. Weve

mnged to emerge stronger through it ll, build home, res-

cue nd rise dogs, go through midlife crises, trvel the world,

nd lugh until our chees hurt. and its in this reltionship

nd the lughter nd the litter tht hve lerned more bout

love thn nthing else in m life. and the most profound self-

love lesson tht hve lerned is thtI am enough.

When set out to collect stories bout love, ws nrrowl

focused on the ros brnd of love stories; the romnce, the


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I n t RoDUct I on 11

pssion, the humor, nd the redemptions. Not the hesper-

en ind per se, more theSex and the Cityind. However, long

the w the collection becme so much richer nd deeper,thns to the contributors willingness nd courge to loo the

topic in the fce nd then loo within themselves to nd their

strongest exmples of it. ch womn in this boo hs her own

love stor tht is up close nd personl. he esss re reec-

tions of jo nd suering from love, nd within those lers,

there re gems of wisdom nd precious self-reliztions tht

need to be shred. he re pictures of vulnerbilit, wicedlfunn, nd one hundred percent rw, nd the hve dded to

the long nrrtive of love. n short, the women in this boo re

trul we-inspiring. love ech nd ever one of them.

M journe hs ten me from the Bible to the Betles, ros

to hppil ever fter, nd while still hve lot to lern on the

topic of love, do now this: t is mess, it is hertbreing, nd

God, is it worth it. t is m wish tht if ou llow the lers, thelughter, nd the litter of love to envelop ou, then ou will not

onl hve loved but ou will hve trul nd fulllived.

aPB

eptember 13, 2010

Documents

Live and Let Love: Notes from Extraordinary Women... Edited by Andrea Buchanan