love life and relationship

Love, Life andRelationship

Shradha Damani

Copyright page

Contents

AcknowledgementbyLifetotheAuthor

AbouttheAuthor

Acknowledgement

Introduction

1. Life

2. Love

3. LoveAwkwardly

4. LoveisnotLust

5. Friendship—TheUltimateLove

Conclusion

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT BY LIFE TO THE AUTHOR

It isnot aneasy task todescribeanauthorwhohasa

mindsetoftheageof44butisonlyofage22.Withalot

ofconstantpushbytheauthor,Iherebysubmitmyview

abouttheauthorandthebook.

Thebookdescribesus love, relationship,marriages,

livelihood,emotionsandLife.Iamconsidered‘life’by

theauthor.Itfeelsagreatsenseofsatisfactiontoread

theconceptofloveandthedefinitionaboutthewhole

emotionoflove,asIexperiencedthesamewhilecom‑

ingincontactwithher.Theauthorgivesrealmeaning&

definitionofthisbeautifulemotionandteachesushowa

personcanchange,mend,giveup,andliveinrealterms

for a person. I had always dreamt of a good partner/

friend for life who can give meaning to breathing for

life.Theauthortaughtmeandgavemeanexampleof

thesame.Shetaughtmelivingforothers,caringforall

andlovingthepersonforwhomtheheartsaysyes.

Ihadalwaysheard&readthatloveisjustanon‑existent

emotionintoday’slife,(exceptionexists),butknowing

this22yearoldgirlmakesmebelievetheunbelievable.

Beingamanandhavingthemindsetofruralthoughts,I

wasforcedtobelievethatunderstandingahumanbeing

isthebestthingthatapersoncandoforoneanother.The

authortouchesthedeepestpartofthereader’sheartand

moves it tobelieve that love isabeautifulemotion to

livewith;itisnotasintobecursed.Itmakesthereader

understandthateachindividualshouldtryandrespond

toitsimmediatefamilyandlearntoliveforothers.

Thislittlepersonalityhasmadeanattempttoprovethe

worldthatlovecanbegenuinelyfeltandshouldnotbe

lookedatwithanawefulfaceandmockedat.Describing

theauthor,Icanonlysaythatthiswonderful,loving,car‑

ing,joyful,intellectual,intelligentladyhassomeinborn

qualitieswhichmakeherdynamicbeautifulpragmatic,

andafantabulouspersontoknow.

Salutinghertalent&gracingtheoccasion,Itakethe

opportunity to wish her all the best for the upcoming

bookandforallthedaystocomeinherlife.

Name : LIFE

Contact : [email protected]

PhoneNo. : Call the author to know details

(91-9830128913)

Address : Living in the warmest place in this

world…. Heart of the author.

Kolkata, India, Asia.

Born on 20th September, 1986, she has completed her

schooling from LA MARTINIERE FOR GIRLS and

graduatedfromJ.D.BIRLAINSTITUTEinthefieldof

commerce. The author has been a very active student

allthroughouthereducationcareerbybeinganactive

memberofthestudent’scouncilandtheHEADGIRL

oftheCOMMERCEDEPARTMENTintheyear2007‑

2008.SheisalsoanITProfessionalandhascompleted

MANAGEMENT INFORMATION SYSTEM from

NIIT, MICROSOFT CERTIFICATIONS like MCP,

MCSDandhasalsocompletedORACLECERTIFICA‑

TION making her oracle certified professional (OCP)

andaSolutionsDeveloperbyMicrosoft.

ByProfessionsheiscurrentlyheadingherProprietor

shipconcernnamedSHREEJISOLUTIONSwhichpro‑

videssoftwareandhardwaresolutionstovariousorgani‑

zations–bothoutdoorandindoor.TheConcernhasalso

hada tie‑upwithMORPHEUSHUMANCONSULT‑

INGPVT.LTDwhichprovidesHumanCapitaltovari‑

ousorganizationsalloverIndia,wheretheauthoristhe

BRANCHHEADandanactivePARTNERandConsul‑

tantinKOLKATA.Inadditiontotheabove,shehasalso

completedtrainingwithNIITandSIDHMANGALAM

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

TRADERSinthefieldofMISandMarketResearchof

Equitiesrespectively.

According to theauthor,Writinghasalwaysbeena

passion and a way to take out all the emotions which

a person undergoes in day to day life. She has given

amplecontributionofshortessaysandpoetryinschool

magazinesandcollegemagazinesandhasalsocreated

herpersonalblogon lineat thewebsitewww.writing.

com where her public URL is: http://Writing.Com/

authors/shradha123.

Publicationofthisbookhasjusthappenedaspartof

destinywheretheauthorjustwantedtheoutsideworld

toknowthattherearecertainemotionswhichcannotbe

boughtandpaid,theyareratherfeltandlived.

ItseemsunbelievablethatIamfinallypenningdownmy

bookandmakingitintorealitybypublishingitforthe

worldoutside.LoveLifeandRelationship isaspecial

part ofmewhichhas been converted intowordswith

thehelpandmotivationofmany.FirstlyIwouldthank

“LIFE”forsteppingintomylifeandmakingitheavenly,

lovingandaworldofutopiaformesothatIcouldlivein

thefeelingofloveandunderstanditandfinallymateria‑

lizealltheemotionsinthisbook.Lifehasalwaysbeen

asupportsystemallthroughthejourneyofwritingthis

bookandIthankhimforbeingtherealways.Secondly,

I would like to thank my friends—PALASH, VIDIT,

VAIDYA.SUKHAMRIT,DEEKSHA,JEANELLEand

JEEVANwhohavealwaysansweredmystupidques‑

tions while writing the book and have eagerly waited

tillitmaterialized.ThirdlyIwouldthankmyfamilyfor

givingmeallthatIrequiredandtogivemeawonder‑

fulupbringingofvalues,culture,andemotion.Fourthly

tomyparentsandmylittlebrother‑LADDU—THANK

YOU for being my backbone and to act as my spinal

cordatalltimes.ThoughmyGRAND–MOMexpired

longbackbutIstillthinkthatshehasalwaysbeenapart

ofme,lookingatmeandhelpingmeinalltimesbyput‑

tinghermagicalshieldovermetoprotectmefromall

dangers.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

NotmanypeopleknowthisthatIhavebeenaweak

studentinthesubjectENGLISHandusedtotaketuitions

athomewithMRS.U.VENKATRAMANfromclass6

toclass12.TodaywhateverholdthatIhaveoverthelan‑

guageisherteachinganddedicationtomakemeover‑

comethephobiaoflearningEnglishLanguage.TodayI

takethisopportunitytodedicatethebooktoherteaching

andvaluesthatshehasgivenmetomakemeabeauti‑

ful person. Thank you MAAM for making me what I

amandtobeawonderfulfriend,philosopherandguide.

FinallyabigthankyoutoDEPOTPIBLICATIONSand

toMR.PARTHOROY(ChiefEDITOR)forproviding

methisplatformandbearingwithmyimpatienceforthe

bookrelease.

LastbutnottheleasttomyALMA‑MATER–“GOD”,

thankyoutogiftthisbeautifulfamily,friendsandhap‑

piness.Iwishthatallwhoreadthebookfallinloveand

start living in the world of UNDERSTANDING and

HAPPINESS.

Thisbookisaboutthethoughtsandemotionsthatgoon

inthemindofapersonwhoisdeeplyinloveandinflu‑

encedbyan individualwho is controlledemotionally,

physically, and spiritually and mentally by this love.

Afewnon‑sufferersoflovehaveaprettygoodmisun‑

derstandingaboutlove.Forsomeit’sjustaphaseoflife,

forothersloveis“LIFE”.

Thisbookisintendednotonlyforthosewhohave,or

thinktheyhave,falleninlove.Theysaythatjustmaking

aconsciousefforttoreallyunderstandafellowhuman

being,totrulyempathizewiththem,nomatterwhattheir

challengeisprobablythemostlovingthingyoucando

foranother.Iagree.Loverequiresalotofunderstanding

frombothsides.

IagreethatImightnotbeabletowriteathesisabout

love, lustandrelationships,ordefinegod‑sentcharac‑

ters,butthisisjustanattempttomakeothersbelievethat

trueloveexists.Wejustneedtothinkorlooktowards

thegoalofachievingit.

Thisbookattemptstoattractreadersofallagesand

sizes,familyandfriends.Let’sfaceit:anincreasedlevel

ofunderstandingcanonlyservetomakelifealittlemore

INTRODUCTION

Love Life and Relationship

10

enjoyable for everyone involved. What a tremendous

giftofloveitistoanyone—particularlysomeonewith

loveorfriendship—whenyoumakeanefforttounder‑

standthem!!!

Chapter 1

LIFE

RichardRobinson’sviewpointLifeHasNoPurpose(38)

arguesthat“thereisnogodtomakeupforthelimitations

ofourpower”(39),andthatmanmustlookafterhimself

andlivehislifeforhimself.AlthoughIdonotconsider

myselfanAtheist,Iagreewithhisviewpoint.Mylife’s

meaninghasevolvedfromthetimeofmychildhoodto

thatofanadulttodaybecauseofamajoreventinmylife

thatforcedmetorealizethattheonlypersonwhowas

goingtowatchovermewasme.

Peoplecomeintoyourlifeforareason,aseason,or

a lifetime.Whenyou figureoutwhich it isyouknow

exactlywhattodo.

When someone is inyour life for aREASON, it is

usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly

or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a

difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support,

toaidyouphysically,emotionally,orspiritually.They

mayseemlikeaGodsend,andtheyare.Theyarethere

forthereasonyouneedthemtobe.Then,withoutany

wrongdoingonyourpartorataninconvenienttime,this


12

personwillsayordosomethingtobringtherelationship

to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk

away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to

takeastand.Whatwemustrealizeisthatourneedhas

beenmet,ourdesire fulfilled; theirwork isdone.The

prayeryousentuphasbeenansweredanditisnowtime

tomoveon.

Whenpeoplecomeintoyour lifeforaSEASON, it

isbecauseyourturnhascometoshare,grow,orlearn.

Theymaybringyouanexperienceofpeaceormakeyou

laugh.Theymayteachyousomethingyouhavenever

done.Theyusuallygiveyouanunbelievableamountof

joy.Believeit!Itisreal!But,onlyforaseason.

LIFETIMErelationships teachyou lifetime lessons;

thosethingsyoumustbuilduponinordertohaveasolid

emotionalfoundation.Yourjobistoacceptthelesson,

love the person/people (anyway); and put what you

havelearnedtouseinallotherrelationshipsandareas

ofyourlife.Itissaidthatloveisblindbutfriendshipis

clairvoyant.

Ihavebeenblessedbythealmightywithamentorand

guidewhohasalwaysbeenbesidemeinspiteofallmy

faultsandflaws.Mymentorhastaughtmetolovemyself

andtolovethesurroundingsthewaytheyare.Mymen‑

torhasgivenme thecapacity tounderstand theworld

aroundme.NowIhavethecourageandthestrengthto

Life

13

changemylifestyleby360degrees;tomenditaccording

totheneedofthehourandtoliveandletlive.

Lifehasmanytwistsandturns.Forsomedestinypre‑

vails,whilesometheymaketheirowndestiny.Godhas

gifted me with a loving family, a considerate amount

of money to earn a good livelihood, good education,

greatfriends.ButwhatIdidnotgetwasalovingchild‑

hood.Iwasseekinglovefrommycloseones;lovefrom

myparents;lovewhichwasdignified;lovewhichwas

unconventional.

I believe in GOD as the creator of nature and our

mother Earth. The Universe is the aggregate of all

humanity’s consciously apprehended and communi‑

catednon‑simultaneousandonlypartiallyoverlapping

experiences.

Aggregatemeansthesum‑totalbutnotunitarilycon‑

ceptualasofanyonemoment.Consciousnessmeansan

awarenessofotherness.Apprehensionmeans informa‑

tionfurnishedbythosewavefrequenciesintunewithin

man’slimitedsensorialspectrum.Communicatemeans

informing self or others. Non-simultaneous means not

occurringatthesametime.Overlappingisusedbecause

everyeventhasaduration,andtheirinitiatingandter‑

minating are most often of different duration. Neither

the set of all experiences nor the set of all the words

used todescribe themare instantlyneither reviewable

noraretheyofthesamelength.Experiencesareeither


14

involuntary(subjective)orvoluntary(objective),andall

experiences,bothphysicalandmetaphysical,arefinite

becauseeachbeginsandends.

Godistheloving,superhuman,non‑anthropomorphic,

intellectual integrityoperative in theUniverse.Loving

refers to the inter‑attractive and inter‑accommodative

nature of God’s integrity. Superhuman means beyond

any one human’s capabilities. Non-anthropomorphic

meansnothavinghumanformorqualities.Intellectual

refers to the facultyofperceivingexperiencesand the

relationships among them (such as the facts of life).

Integrity refers to the unity of the mutually inter‑

accommodative components in a system. Operative

meansparticipatingintheoperationofasystem.

TomeitispatentlyclearthattheGoddefinedabove

exists.EverydayIfindmyselfrelyingontheintegrity

of my understandings about how the Universe works.

Iconfidentlyrideescalators,airplanesandother“feats

oftechnology”knowingthattheprinciplesuponwhich

theyarebasedarequitereliable.TheUniversedoesseem

tohave an intellectual integritywhichwehumans are

abletoperceive(ifonlyinbitsandpieces).Manybooks

(especially those about Nature and Science) disclose

new insights into the nature of God. Finally, I’ll note

thatifUniversedidnothaveintegrity,logicandreason,

itwouldbedisorderlyandchaoticandunreliable.

Life

15

Godmeansmanydifferent things tomanydifferent

people.Therearealotofpeoplewhobelievethatthere

isnosuchthingasaGod.Therearepeoplewhobelieve

thatthereisnoGodbecausenoonehaseverseenhim.

Ipersonallybelievethat thereisaGodbecauseofmy

faith. I have faith in God and I feel that God is real.

IhavemanyreasonswhyIbelieveinGodandwhoGod

istome.ButIhavethreereasonsthatstandoutforme

aboutwhoGodistome.Theyarethefollowing:Godis

alwaysthereforme,Godismyfriend,andGodismy

creator.Thesearemythreemost important reasonsof

whoGodisandwhatGodmeanstome.

Godhasneverletmedowninmylife.SometimesIdo

feelthatGodhasletmedownorthatHedidnotanswer

myprayersintimesthatImostneededHim.ButIhave

torealizethateverythingthatGoddoesisforareason.

Godhastakenmygrandmother,whomIlovedthemost,

from thisEarthat averyyoungage. Ihaveprayed to

GodandaskedHimwhy?ButIhaveneverseemedto

fullyunderstandwhy.Ihavecometotheconclusionthat

Godworksinmysteriousways.Idonotthinkthatany‑

onecanfullyunderstandwhyGoddoeswhatHedoes.

Soforthis,IdonotfeelthatGodhaseverletmedown.

Hejustdoesthesethingsforareasonandifyoubelieve

inHim,Hewillneverletyoudowneither.

God is the longest lasting friend Ihaveeverhad in

mylife.HewasthereformebeforeIwasbornandHe

willbethereformeafterIleavethisEarth.Godisthe


16

bestlisteneralso.IcantalktoGodanywhereatanytime.

EverytimeIwanttotalktoHimoraskHimaquestion,

Heisthereforme.Mostofmyotherfriendsareatleasta

phonecallaway,butnotGod.Hehasalwaysbeenthere

intimeofneed,eventhoughsometimesIfeel likeHe

isnot.EvenwhenIdosomethingwrong,Heisthereto

forgivemeandsetmestraight.

Lastly, God is my creator. God has created every‑

thingthatexistsinmylife.IbelievethatGodcreated

thisEarthandeverythingthatisinit.Ifeelthatwhen

Godcreatedeveryone,Hehadapurposeforeveryone

onthisEarth.Ifeelthatitisourgoaltofindoutwhat

isourpurposeonthisEarth.Iknowthattherearedif‑

ferentbeliefsabouthoweveryoneandeverythingwas

created,butIfeelthateveryoneshouldhavesomekind

ofbeliefonhowthisworldwascreated. Ipersonally

believe that God is my creator and everyone else’s

creator also. In conclusion, God means many differ‑

ent things tome.Iknowthateveryonehas theirown

perceptions of God, but I feel that these are my best

perceptionsofGod.Godissomebodywhowillalways

beinmylife.IfeelthateveryoneshouldhaveGodin

hisorherlivesalso.Ifeelthateveryoneshouldhave

faithandkeephisorherbeliefsinsomethingorsome‑

one.IhavefaithinGod.

GodisthesupremelygoodCreatorofgoodnatures,

andheisalsotheCreatorofevil.Godcausedthedevilto

beevil.Godforesawthegood,whichhehimselfwould

Life

17

bringoutofhisevil.Godsawthiswascomingwhenhe

createdhimtobegood,sowhenweturnedbadGodhad

arrangedofhimandhowhewouldbemakeuseofhim.

Godknewhoweverythingwasgoingtoturnout;heeven

sawman’sevil.Godknewthatmanwillonedaychange

andheforesawtheevil inhimbeforeithappened.He

createdmanandtheevilthatwascomingfromit.God

hadaplacereadyforthisalso.

NothingwouldhavebeenmadeifGoddidnotknow

itwasgoingtobegood.Godseeswhatisgood,heknew

whathewascreating,andonedayitwillbegood.Plato

said that when the universe was completed, God was

filledwithjoy.Godwasblessedbyhiscreation;hehad

approvedthestructureoftheuniverseandplaneditthis

way.Godcreatedtheuniverse,asitissaid,withoneword.

Godsaid,“Lettherebelight”,andlightappeared.After

Godhadcreatedthelight,hehadsaid,“Itisgood.”

The people who oppose His rule are called God’s

enemies.Theyarehisenemiesby theirwill tooppose

him; they are not able to hurt him. God is always

unchangeable;Heiswithoutanypainintheworld.They

peoplethatresistGod,andGod’swillareeviltothem‑

selves,theyarenoteviltoGod.ToGod,noevilisable

tohurtHim.Thepeoplethatdon’tbelievehim,arecrea‑

tingtroubleforthemselves,theyareescapingthetruth.

We are able to say that though vice cannot injure the

unchangeablegood,itcaninjurenothingbutgood.After


18

thisissaid,wearealsoabletosaythatvicecannotbein

thehighestgood,andcannotbebutinsomegood.

Things solely good can exist, but things that are

solelyevil,canneverexist.Forthosethingsthathave

an evil will, are in some way evil, but their natures

areinsomewaygood.TheevilthatiscreatedbyGod

hastohaveareasonbehindit.Hehadtocreatetheevil

tosomewhathelpthegood.

IbelievethatGodcreatedevilforareason.IfGoddid

notcreateevil,thenhowdidevilcometobe?Therehad

tobeareasonforevilinman.Godhadtohaveforeseen

whatwasgoingtohappentotheuniversewhenhecre‑

atedit.TheevilthatGodcreatedhadtobeforanother

goodreason.Therehas tobeareasonwhypeopleget

punishedandwhypeoplearehurt.Therealsohastobe

areasonforalltheotherevilsthatexistintheuniverse.

IfGodhadplannedtheuniversetobelikethewayitis,

thenhemusthavecreatedevilforsomereason.

IbelievethatGodhassentanewbloomingflowerin

mylifetonurturemeinabetterway,togivemelove

andtomakemeagoodhumanbeing, to teachmethe

waytoliveintheworldofloveandhappiness.

LOVE

Anindividualisanadultfromtheageof18,andlittle

doeshe/sheknowaboutthesurroundings.Beingagirl

andbelongingtoaMarwarifamily,marriageisahitlist

eventforeverygirl.Igrewupinahouseholdwheregirls

areboundtogetmarriedassoonastheypassoutfrom

schoolandtheylearnall thehouseholdactivitiesright

fromthebeginning.

Astimepassedby,theworldoutsidechanwgedand

modernizationchanged the rural thoughtsofmankind.

Thesamehappenedwithmyfamily.Thingswerediffer‑

entandIwasgiventheindependencetomakemyown

littleworldwhereIcouldmakeanameformyself.AsI

walkedoutofthelittleschoolgatesandenteredcollege,

Imetawholenewworldofstrangers.Somewherekind,

some really disgusting, some caring and some where

cooldudes.

I started to make my own world of people whom

Ithoughtwerecreaturesofmytype.ThenIrealizedthat

though the world outside has variety of people, there

weresomewhomovedmeandchangedme.Ipromised

Chapter 2


20

nottotakehisnameinthisbook,buttilldateIhavenever

metapersonwhocouldbesoinfluential.Hemadebe

thinkthateveryindividualhashis/herownpersonality,

andyouneedtograbwhatyoulikeandleavetherest.

Thisisbeingpractical.

Hetaughtmewhatloveisandwhatlivingforoth‑

ersmeans.Loveisthatfragileflowerofmostuncom‑

monbeauty;onewhichcanneverbefoundbypurpose

alonewhilewanderingthroughlife’sgardens.Butone

whosecolourandfragranceismostpureandmeaning‑

fulwhendiscoveredbyaccidentwhile tending to the

moremundanedutiesofthecommonman.Adiamond

foundlyingquietlyamongstthebrokenglassofchild‑

hood’sshatteredwindows.

Toloveanotheristhesupremesacrificeofself,for

we must give freely and completely of ourselves to

another, without reservations or conditions. To give

less serves only to hinder the growth of our evolu‑

tion from self sustaining isolation to a greater join‑

ing of universal awareness. As children we love by

instinctbut it isaselfishlove;onewhichresultsout

of necessity, born of helpless reliance on others for

survival. It is an innocent love, free of complicated

psychosocialencumbrancesorexpectations.But it is

ahungrylovewhichtakesmuchmorethanitgivesin

thebeginning.

Love

21

“...this idea that love overtakes you is nonsense. This is

but a polite manifestation of sex. To love another you

have to undertake some fragment of their destiny.”

Quentin Crisp, British author

“We love in another’s soul whatever of ourselves we can

deposit in it; the greater the deposit, the greater the love.”

Irving Layton, Canadian poet

Love defies generalizations. Poets, philosophers,

theologiansandcountlessothershaveascribedtheirown

theoriesandinterpretationsbutoftentheystillfallshort

ofthegoalofcapturingthetruenatureofthisunfatho‑

mableentity.Thestrengthof love lies in itsdiversity.

It possesses the unique ability to evolve, change and

permuteover thecourseofour lives. Justaswegrow

outwardlywemustalsogrow inwardly.Our thoughts,

realizationsandperceptionsaregivencredencebyour

individualexperiencesontheseparatepathswefollow

inourquestforlove.Andasloveisanintegralpartof

ourinnerselves,soitmustgrowandmatureaswell.It

possessestheabilitytoadapttoitsinternalaswellasits

externalenvironment.Itnotonlychangesaswechange

butitalsoebbsandflowsoutwardlydependentonthe

receptivityofthosetowhomitisdirected.

During certain periods of our lives love may seem

to fadeor evendisappear entirely fromour emotional

palette.Butonceconceiveditnevertrulyceasestoexist.

Love is the ultimate survivor. It has a will to live as


22

strongasthewillofitshumancontainer.Ifnecessary,

itmayhibernate;withdrawinglikeaturtleintoitsshell.

Whenitisrebuffedorrejectedbytheharshnessandcold

complacencywhichcanbesocommoninothers,itfolds

inonitselfuntilwhichtimeitfeelssafetoventureout

intoamorenurturingenvironment.Butitdoesnotdie.

We saywe fall in lovebut it is amisnomer.Wedo

notfallanywhere.Wesimplyopenourheartsandallow

theloveinsidetoprojectitsenergytowardstheheartof

another.Ifitiswellreceivedandproperlytended,itcre‑

ates a spiritualbondbetween the twohearts.However,

loveisanindividualizedemotion.Itisapartofwhoweare

andjustasnotwopeoplesharetheexactsameemotional

make‑up,neithercantheysharetotallyidenticalexpres‑

sionsoftheirloveforoneanother.Thebeautyofastrong

andviablerelationshipisseenwhentwosoulsmeetand

thecoloursoftheirlovecomplementeachother.

Weareinlovewhenwecanfindthatfragilestateof

beingwhereourindividuallovedemandsnomorethan

theotherpersoncangiveandwhenwecanprovidethe

necessaryenergiestoallowthemtobefulfilledaswell.

Lovecaresnothingforequalitybutitinsistsonbalance;

thatbalanceispossibleonlywhenbothpeoplearesatis‑

fiedthattheirownexpectationsandneedsinarelation‑

shiparebeingadequatelyprovidedfor.

Wearemerelypassengersonourshipofdestinyand

loveisthecompassthatguidesourjourneythroughlife.

Love

23

Whetheritisloveforanotherhumanbeing,acherished

goaloradesiretofindcompletenessandmeaningtoour

livesbearslittleconsequenceonthenecessityforfollow‑

ingthecoursethatlovecharts.Lovecannotlivecomfor‑

tablyinavacuum.Itmustbeallowedfreereignandbe

given the opportunity to explore beyond the confining

wallsofself‑protectionwhichweconstructasbarriersto

theravagesoflife.Itistheflagshipofoursoulandthe

purveyorofourmostcherisheddreamsofapurposeful

existence.Lovewehideorholdbackfromothersoutof

fearislovewasted.Itisofnovaluetouswhenheldinside

butcanincreaseinvalueahundredfoldwhensharedwith

anotherlike‑mindedindividualorwhendirectedtowards

agreateraspirationbeyondourownselfishneeds.

It has been often said, when attempting to offer an

explanationtowardsanotherwiseunlikelypairing,that

love is blind. In this context it is insinuated that love

is lacking in one of the physical senses and is unable

to discern the otherwise obvious imperfections which

maybeevidenttothosewhoproclaimtohaveaclearer

viewofreality.Whilethismaybearsometruthastothe

tendencyforlovetoignorecertainunseemlyattributes

whichmaybepresent inanother, itdoes little togive

credittothetruervisionofloveitself.Lovepossessesno

physicalsenseswhatsoever.Moreso,itisanextension

ofthephysicalsensesweareburdenedwithashuman

beings.Ourdistinctbut individualviewsofrealityare

basedontheinputwereceivefromthosephysicalsenses.

Andthosesensesareofteninfluencedbyfactorswhich


24

liebeyondthereachofthesensesthemselves.Amotion

picturefoolsusintobelievingthatweareseeingaseam‑

less replay of events when in actuality we are seeing

nothingmorethanarapidseriesoffrozenmomentsin

timecapturedbytheeyeofthecamera.

Whenwegazeatabeautifulredroseweseeonlythe

narrow spectrum of colour which is reflected back at

usbut theentirespectrumofall theothercolours that

areabsorbedbyandcontainedwithinthatsameroseare

invisiblebutstillpresent.Askaman,blindfrombirth,

todescribearainboworadeafpersontosingalongtoa

songontheradio.Itisofcourseimpossibleforthemto

doso.However,askthosesamepeopletospeaktoyou

oftheirperceptionsofloveandyoumaybeamazedat

howcloselytheycoincidewithyourown.We,ashuman

beings,canneverfullycomprehendtherealityperceived

byanotherindividual.Thereforewemustbecarefulin

ourjudgmentsandintheconclusionswedrawbasedon

ourownperceptionsofreality.

Love’sreality,likebeauty,isheldsolelyintheeyes

ofthebeholder.Andlove’svision,ifwemusttranspose

aphysical senseuponanon‑physical entity, is crystal

clear.Itseeksthatwhichcoincidesappropriatelywithits

owndesires.Itisnotfoolproof,norisitalwaysaccurate

instrikingclosetotheheartofitstarget.Nevertheless,

itisanessentialcomponentofoursoul’srepertoireand

mustbegiventheautonomyitrequirestoseekoutthat

Love

25

whichholdspromisetoprovidetheneededsustenance

foritsowngrowth.

“Love, the strongest and deepest element in all life, the

harbinger of hope, of joy, of ecstasy; love, the defier of

all laws, of all conventions; love, the freest, the most

powerful molder of human destiny...”

Emma Goldman, US anarchist

And if perchance, on the emotional radar, our love

detectsthatlongsoughtcoherenceinthecountenanceof

anotherheart’sdesire;ourwillbecomesnothingmore

thanacandleinthewindofdestiny’sstorm.Love,enrap‑

turedbythecovenantofitsownreality,burstsforthwith

renewed direction and purpose. Senses overwhelmed,

ourmortallivesbecomenothingmorethanasuperficial

shellofawarenessaslovehasitswaywithourheart.To

denytheeventisfolly.Toquestionthesourceispoint‑

less.Toattempttocontaintheemotionissenseless.Itis

wewhoareblind;loveseesclearlyandmustfollowits

coursetotheend.Fortherecanbenogreaterachieve‑

mentinourlivesthantoallowtheessenceofourheartto

findmeaningandpurposeintheheartofanother.

“...And only in the end we’ll see,

Just what our lives were meant to be,

When all our childhood fantasies

Are lost within the mysteries

Of Time.”

Alan W. Goodson, American realist


26

Loveisaffection.Loveissacrifice.Loveiscompro‑

mise.Loveisfaith.Loveisbelievableandunbelievable.

Loveisdestiny.Loveisstrength.Loveistrust.Loveis

adesirewithlust.Loveistheworld.Yeah,exactlywhat

islove?

Loveisallaboutshowingineffablefeelings,affections,

andsolicitudetowardapersonwhomyoucareabout.It

canalsobeexpressedinmanyways.Lovehassomany

definitionsanditisdefineddifferentlytoothersintheir

ownopinions.

Lovehasmanydifferentmeaningstodifferentpeople.

Forafour‑year‑old,loveismarryingherdaddywhenshe

growsup.Foranelementaryschoolkid,loveiswhathe

orshefeelsforhisorherbestfriend,whoalsoservesas

aboyfriendorgirlfriend.Toafifteen‑year‑oldboy,love

iswhatheshouldfeelforhisgirlfriendofthemoment;

onlybecauseshesayssheloveshim.Butaswegetolder

and “wiser”, love becomes more and more confusing.

Along with poets and philosophers, people have been

trying to answer that age‑old question for centuries:

What is love? One definition of love in the Merriam‑

Websterdictionaryis“attractionbasedonsexualdesire”

(439). Some people believe that love and sex are one

andthesame.Iftwopeopleareinlove,theyshouldbe

havingsex.

One of the greatest human fears is living, being,

anddyingalone;however, there issomething thatcan

Love

27

overcomethisfear,andthatislove.Whatislove?Can

yousee it?Doesone touch love,or is loveonly tobe

sensed?Doestrueloveexist,orisitjustacheapthrill

thatlastsforonenight?Doeslovehavesubstanceoris

itmerelyawordfabricatedasawaytojustifythemeans

ofpropagation?

What love is tousdependsonhowwedefine love,

andhowtheoneswelovedefinelove.Youcan’tchoose

whoyou“fallinlove”with,itjusthappens.Yourealize

oneday,thatapersonmeansmoretoyouthanyourown

life.Thatiswhenyouknowthatyouareinlove.Love

existsindifferentformsindifferentpeople’sminds.The

wordlove,anditsrelatedwords,hasbeencreatedover

aperiodoftime,butdoestruelovereallyexist?“True

love”isastateofmind,whichcomesandgoesinpeople.

Thetruthofloveisnearlyimpossibletofind,withthe

oddsbeingabout0.0000000001percentofeverfinding

it,andit’sgettingsmallereveryday.Itisn’ttangible,it

isn’temotional,butitcanbeacrutchfortheweak.

Theconceptof“truelove”isashelterforthosepeople

whobelieve thatwithout love, therewouldbenopoint

to life, no hope, no God, no anything. That life could

justexist,going forwardcontrary to theseprincipals. It

isobviousthatlovemeansmanydifferentthingstodif‑

ferent people and that to each it has a different value.

Becauseofthesedifferentvalues,somepeoplethrowthe

wordaroundmeaninglesslybecausetheyknowitiswhat

someonewantstohear.Theysaythattheylove,butwith


28

nomeaningorsubstancetobackitup,itjustbecomesa

cheapthrill.Howisthatlove?Howcanpeopleusesuch

abeautifulmetaphortojustifytheseactions,unlessitwas

createdasanexcusetocommittheseactions?Thatisn’t

love.Theycanusethatasanexcuse,becausethat isn’t

reallylove.Theyusetheidea, thetheoriesandbasisof

loveas anexcusebecause theyareusing it inplaceof

whattheyarereallyfeeling.Thatlonelinessandthatbit‑

terlydependentfeelingfilltheirhearts,butthatisn’treally

love. Unfortunately in our world, shallowness and this

misuseofloveareapplaudedbythetroglodyticmasses.

Can love truly exist when there are people who

accept love at different values?Peopledon’t have to

agreeonthevalueandplaceofloveforittoexist,but

oneobjectcannotexistintwoplacesatonce,without

differentvalues.Bybeingperceivedasdifferentval‑

uesitcannotowneveryplaneandmind,meaningthat

some values are truer than others. Some people can

search all of their lives for lovenever to find it, and

otherscan livea lie thinking that theyhave found it.

Love is not what it is because people desire it to be

so,andloveisnotwhatitisbecauseofourday‑to‑day

human interactions.Love iswhat it isbecauseof the

differentwaysweimagineloveexists.Loveandemo‑

tionsareconstant,because theyareruledby instinct;

however love and emotions are opposites. They play

againsteachother,butcannottrulyexistwithouteach

other.Becauseofthisrelationship,lovecanhaveboth

alightandadarkside.Iflovewerethemostpowerful

Love

29

forceintheuniverse,thenitwouldhavethepowerto

killtheliving.

Whenyougiveyourhearttoaperson,thinkingthat

they would never hurt you, only to have them betray

you,youareleftwithanemptyfeeling,andinawayit

doeskillapartofyou.Thesideoflovewiththepower

tokillmakespeople,whowoulduseloveasanexcuse,

weak.Thesepeopleuseitasananchortoprotectthem‑

selvesfromemotions.Somepeoplewillevenuseitasan

excusetotaketheirownlife,tryingtoescapetheirpain.

This makes love weak, and in turn makes the people

wholoveweak.

This is the power of love, and yet people still take

it too lightly. Love has a serious power, which is too

oftentakenforgranted.Lovehashorridconsequencesif

youdonotrespectloveforwhatitistoothers.Itisnot

alwayswhatyouthinkitis,orwhatyouthinkitshould

be.Love can takemanydifferent forms and can even

bedeceptive.Onethingaboutloveisforsure;onceyou

findit,youneverwanttoloseit.Loveiseverywhereand

inmanydifferentformsallaroundus.Lovepermeates

ourthoughts,fillsourdreams,controlsouractions,but

itstillhasnodefinitevalue.Ofcourse,loveisdifferent

for everyone, and this is what love is to me. No one

cantellyouwhatlovemeanstoyou,becauseyouhave

to find it foryourself,anddefine it throughyourown

experiences.


30

WE ARE FOREVER LOOKING FOR LOVE in

ourlives.Welookforasweetheartwhowill turninto

alovingspouse.Welookforlovefromourparentsand

respect from our children. We look for love from our

government,hopingourleaderswillbecompassionate

withusandourcountrymen.Butstrangely,weoftenget

intoourworstmesseswhenallwearedoingislooking

forlove.Amarriagemaysplitupduetooneofthepart‑

nerslookingelsewhereforlove.Ateenagermaywreck

hiscarandhisbodybydrivingtoofastinaquestfora

certainkindoflovefromhispeers.Desperateforlove,

people ruin theirmindswithdrugswhichgive thema

temporarysurgeofacounterfeitfeelingsimilartolove.

Doesanyoneeverfindlove?Ifso,whereisit?Obser‑

vationsuggeststhatlove,realasitis,cannotbefound

andisn’tanywhere.Whenyougolookingforit,youare

goingtofindsomethingelse.Whatyoufindmaykeep

you occupied for a while, even addicted, but it’s not

love.Loveisthemostpricelesstreasurethatlifeaffords

us.Religionsenshrineit,billboardsexploitit,professors

categorize itandnewspapersreportonitsperversions.

Butitisnowheretobefound.

Loveisasongthatthreadsitswaythroughourlives

frombeginning to end, butdidyouever try to find a

song?Youjustknowwhenyou’rehearingasong,and

you just know when you’re experiencing deep love,

butyoucan’tfindeitherone.Thesongisaprocess.It

weavesitswaythroughthevocalcordsandthroughthe

Love

31

air molecules, but neither the vibrations, nor the ears

thathearthemnorthevoicethatproducesthem,isthe

song.Youcanwritenotesonpapertosuggestasong,

butthenotesarenotthesong.Asongisaprocessthat

cannotbethesametwice.Evenifyouheararecorded

songtwiceinsuccession,therearetwodifferentsongs

because you yourself have changed slightly between

hearings. A song is a participatory, unrepeatable pro‑

cess.Andsoislove.

Loveandsongshideinthecracksoftheuniverse—not

onlybetween theatoms,butbetween thebetweens, in

therealmofquality,notquantity—inwhatisnotmani‑

fested(whichisnowhere).Loveandsongsmustanddo

expressthemselvesusingtimeandspace,buttheycan

beneitherfoundnorcapturedintimeandspace.

Ifnoonewerelookingforlove,ourworldwouldbein

sadshape,somemightsay.Butourworldalreadyisin

sadshapepreciselybecausesomanypeopleareonthis

questwhichseemssolaudableandreasonableuntilyou

examinetheresultsofit.Theproblemwithlookingfor

loveisthatitisthe“me”thatwantsit.The“me”wants

love in theformofpleasure,money,status, fame,and

anynumberofotherforms.Andifthe“me”wantsthese

thingsbadlyenough,the“me”willgetthem.Unfortu‑

nately,allthe“me”getsistheformsandnotthelove.

The“me”grabsforthebeautifulflameandgetsonlyhot

ashes.Loveeludesthe“me”always,becausethe“me”is

somewhere,andloveisnowhere—theycannevermeet.


32

Istherenoway,then,tofindlove?Istherenosolution

tothisdilemma?Probablynot.However,itisasimple

fact that anyonecan love. It isoneofour inalienable

rightsashumanstoloveandtogive.Perhapslifecould

not even exist without this process. There is electric‑

itygeneratedintheactionoflovethatisasrealasthat

whichpowersatrainorlightsareadinglamp.Aswith

electricity,noonereallyknowswhatloveisnorwhere

it comes from, but we do know we can channel both

electricity and love through conduits. Properly chan‑

nelled electricity can transform our environment, and

properly channelled love can transform thequalityof

ourlives.

Itseemsthatloveismostvibrantinuswhenweforget

ourselves. Self‑forgetfulness is recommended by most

religionsasawaytopeaceandenlightenment.Knowing

this,spiritualaspirantstrytoforgetthemselves,hoping

peaceandenlightenmentwillcome.Catchnumberone

here is that theycannot forget that theyare forgetting

themselves,sotheyarestillcaughtinthe“me”.Thereis

nocatchnumbertwo.

Whenwegrowwearyoflookingforloveandfinding

onlyitsashesanditsforms,wemaysuddenlygiveupthe

search.Whenwehavebeenbittenbyourgreedandhave

hadourveryhealthimpairedbyoursearchforlove,we

stopourhurriedquestonedayandlookwithin—notwithin

the“me”,butwithinthecracksoftheuniverse.Wemay

notseeanything,butwefeelsomething—wehearasong.

Love

33

Wefeelachange inourselves,anewperspective from

nowhere.Wehaven’taskedforit.Wejuststopsearching

andthereitis.Thatislove,sneakingintoourlivesfrom

thecracksbetween thebetweens.Wewereneveraway

fromlove,butwecouldneverfindit.Weworeourselves

outlikethemanwhoranaroundthestreetsofthevillage

searchingforsomeairtobreathe.Hewastedmuchairto

dohissearching,butheneverfoundair.

Listen to the silence if you would hear the song of

love.Lovemaycatchyoubetweenbitesofanappleor

whileyouarecleaningthetoilet.Youlivewithinlove

always, but you can never find it, capture it, preserve

it or explain it—youmight aswell try tobuild a rose

withahammerandnails.Justwait,andlisten,andwatch

andwork—andonedaywhenthe timeis right,a rose

appearsonthebush.Thisroseisrootedinthecracksof

theuniverse,andsoislove,andsoareyou.

LOVE AWKWARDLY

WhenIwassmall(Iguess14)Isawadream,adreamof

livingintruelove.Iyearntoloveandbeloved.YetIam

wholewithoutit.Becauseifyouallowyourselftobegov‑

ernedbylovetotheextentthateitheryouaredepressedby

itsabsence,ormoreseriously,you—theindividual—are

suppressedbyitspresenceinyourlife,itonlybringsmore

unhappinessthanthehappinessitcanoffer.

Youcan’townahumanbeingandthusyoucan’tlose

whatyoudon’town.

For instance, I don’t think Nafisa Joseph’s suicide

was about love. She hanged herself after her fiancé

calledofftheirmarriage.Itwasaresponsethatalludes

toalackofemotionalwell‑being.ThoughIdon’treally

claimtoknowwhatlovemeanstotheyouthoftoday,

in my private dictionary it is an emotion that is felt

ratherthanexpressed,dreamtratherthanlived.

Love is the power that changes one—makes and

mouldsoneintoabeautifulperson.Notonlybecausethe

peoplethemselveschange,butbecausetherelationship

Chapter 3

Love Awkwardly

35

is the definition of one’s self. Love is also imperfect.

Perfectlovedoesnotexist.Takeitorleaveit.

ButIlivewithperfectlove—inmydreams—itisthe

songofmyheart,mydefinition,myrealself.Itislikethe

whiteclouds lingeringonto theclearbluesky.Love is

themostbeautifulemotiononearth,andreallydoesnot

needanyonetolove.Onecanjustlove...Justlikeme

ThesongIbegintosingremainsunsungtothisday

Thetimehaspassedoverme,whileplaying

Andnotplaying,stringingandunstringing

Myinstrumenttothetuneoflove.

Hecamebesideme,whenthenightwas

Still dark, leading to eternal nothingness and I was

alone.

Myeyeswokenot;Iwasdeepintomysleep

Enjoyingit—wasIcursed?

Aquestion,whichhadnoanswer

Oh!It’saterriblefeeling,butterfliesinmystomach,

Iamimmobile,shivering

Fromtoptobottom.

Afeelingtryingtooverpowerme,drivemealong,

Whiskingmeoff,makingmeflyonthewings

Ofawhitedove,envelopedinlove.

Hewastherewithopenarms,

Makingmydreamsplay,stringingtheTunesoflove.

Alas!Iamstilllost—why?

WillIalwaysfailtoseehimwhosebreath

Touchesmyheart,refreshesmysoul?


36

Dawnisyettocome—Icouldfeelthewind

Rushingby,touchingmewithlovingcare

Waitingformetowakeup—asadifferentbeing,

Apreciousflower.

Ihaveyetnotseenhisface,butknowHeispleasingto

theeye,

Ihavenotheardhisvoice,butknow

Itisdeepandmelodious,

I have not seen his eyes, know not what colour they

are—butknowthat

Itisdeeperthananyocean.

Ihaveonlyheardhisfootsteps,comingtowardsme

Andmypulse—beatingwitheverystephetakes

Nowisimmortal,butlifeisnot

::iwtillthisdayinthehope—tomeethim

Butwhen?

Thetimehasnotcome;themusicisyettoStart

OnlythewishtomeethimremainsinmyHeart.

Hewillmeetoneday,surely

Themeetingwillbeashotandpious

Asthefire

Asinnocentasthelittledoveandthemorningdew,

Assweetasthenightingalessong,

Asvibrantas thesunsraysglitteringon theMountain

peaks...

Wewillmeetoneday!

Myeyesopened...

BythetimeImanagedtodistinguishbetweendream

and reality, to shake off the remnants of the beautiful

Love Awkwardly

37

feeling,theskyoutsidewasawashwithgreylight,the

cloudshanginglow.Asthepresentgraduallycameback

intofocus,Istooddazed.Itwassuchadifferentfeeling,a

wholenewworldofemotionsdevelopinginsideme.My

heartjumpedforjoy,Icouldfeeltheharshwind,could

feel the rain fall on me like an endless stream—each

dropseemedliketheveryepitomeofloveandaffection.

I feltas if theheavenwaspouringall itsblessingson

me.AndIrealizedthatIwasinlove,inlovewithmy

imagination,mydream—withthevoicethatisunheard,

eyesthatareunseen—thisisloveformewhichdefines

me:innocent,pure,andaperfectUtopia.

Irealizedthatthisisanon‑practicaldream,butthen,

ifdreamsprovidehappinessandhelptomouldyouinto

abetter person, thenwhatharm is there indreaming?

Andthattoo,iftheyareaboutlove?Iwouldlovetolive

withmydreams—myeyeswillopentothemorningsun

caressingmelovingly.Tillthenletmeremainimmersed

inmydreams,heartandsoul.

“Was it a vision, or a waking dream? Fled is that

music.DoIwakeorsleep?”—JohnKeats

I’minlove,butawkwardly.

WhenImetmylifewhomIcallmyloveandname

himas , I sawmydreamscoming true…I found the

music,Ifoundthewateryeyesandsodidmyhappiness

whichwasstolensomewhereintheworldaroundme.

LOVE IS NOT LUST

Itisironichowloveandlustaresomuchrelatedtoeach

otheryetverymuchdifferent.Wellforonethingthey

don’thavethesamepurpose.Apersoninlustmaygreed‑

ilyhungerforsensualorsexualpleasurewhileaperson

inloveseesbeyondthephysicalandsimplytakesitas

thepartof thepackage thatmakes theperson special.

Certainly,lovesoundssomuchmoredecentandconser‑

vative,butdoesn’tlovesometimesstartwithlust?You

get drawn to theperson’sphysical attributes inwhich

youstartcheckingoutwhatlovelyeyesorlegsshehas;

ormaybeyougettantalizedbyhishuskybedroomvoice

thatgivesyougoosefleshanyday,anytimeandhecan

talkyouintoanything.Thefeelofhisskin, thecaress

ofhissmile,thewayhisvoicecuddleslikeababyask‑

ing for a hug, this makes him absolutely irresistible.

Thiscatchesyou;yousimplycannotgothroughanhour

withoutrememberinglastnight’sconversationandhow

finehelookedashestareddeepintoyoureyes.

Asyoudoso,youslowlyseewhatfirstattractedhim

toyou.Youfindthissointerestinglysexy,untillittleby

littleyoustartfallinginlove.Sowhatislustandwhatis

Chapter 4

Love is not Lust

39

love?Isitsimplyastateofmind,justlikealltherestof

theemotions,feelingsandstatesinthisworld?Simply

intheeyeofthebeholder,determinedbyhowoneper‑

ceivestherelationshiptobe?Orisitinthedepthofthe

relationship taking the notion that lust means shallow

andlovemeansdeep?

Imightbeblabberingaboutnonsense,oryoumight

agreewithmewordforwordbutnoonecandenythat

lovingandlustingisveryreal.Butalso,asIhavesaid,

itsdefinitionisrelativeandcanvarydifferentlyfrom

how one sees it. But lust could mean a lot of differ‑

ent things. Infatuation can be a form of lust as well

asidolatry(inplainlanguage:worshipingamoviestar

or any gorgeous, famous or rich, unattainable piece

ofmeat)andevenaplainoldcrushcanbe.Youstart

yearningforaregulargettogether,nightlychatseven

ifsometimeschattingdoesnotmeanaconversationbut

simplyholdingthetelephoneandhearinghimbreathe.

Itisasrealasyouandmeandatsomepointandtimein

ourliveswewillencounteritandthenstartquestion‑

ingourselvesaboutit.Thenonedayyou’resuddenly

hooked. As your conversation deepens you realize

thatyourheateddiscussiononphilosophyandshared

interestonthesamekindofactivitylike,letssay,rock

climbing, proves to be as stimulating and spine‑tin‑

gling as your usual smooth talking tête‑à‑tête. Lust

mightendupwithlovethesamewaythatlovemight

turnouttobelust.


40

Whatexactlyismypoint?Thepointisitissometimes

hardtodistinguishlovefromlust.

Lustmightsoundaverysinfulword,sinceitisagainst

manyreligionstofallpreytoit.

There is a great contrast between love and lust.

Lustismoreofasexualorgreedyfeeling,whilelove

ismoreofasecureandcontentfilledfeelingweget

fromgivingandreceiving.Lustdoesnothave tobe

somethingsexual,itcanbeagreedydesireformore

money and power. The world has a superficial and

selfish view of love, which has contaminated our

understandingofwhatREALLOVEis.Popularcul‑

ture believes that love is something that makes us

FEELgoodandthatit’sacceptabletosacrificemoral

principles to obtain such love. But in doing so this

cultureISNOTobtaining the lovecharacteristicbut

thelustfulones.

“Donotcommitadultery.ButItellyouthatanyone

wholooksatawomanlustfullyhasalreadycommitted

adulterywithherinhisheart.Ifyourrighthandcauses

youtosin,gouge itoutand throwitaway.It isbetter

foryoutoloseonepartofyourbodythanforyouwhole

body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand

causesyoutosin,cutitoffandthrowitaway.Itisbetter

foryoutoloseonepartofyourbodythanforyourwhole

bodytogointohell.”

Love is not Lust

41

Iwas talking to someone theotherdayandwehad

conservationaboutlustandlove.Shetoldmethatpeo‑

pledon’tfallinlovebecauseitwillneverbethatway.

It’s all based on lust because couples will never hurt

eachotherifit’slove.Ikindofagreewiththispersonat

thispoint.ItwashardenoughtoadmitthatbecauseI’m

afirmbelieverofloveatfirstsightandfindingasoul

mate.WhenIrealizedwhatthisshewastryingtosay,I

questionedherpastexperienceinrelationships.Ifyou’re

apsychologist(I’mnot),youknowthepastexperiences

canmouldaperson’spersonaorbehaviour.AsIques‑

tioned her past relationships, I noticed that she had it

verybad.Shedoesn’tbelieveinloveanymorebecause

herpastboyfriendstreatedherbadly.Shedoesn’twant

togethurtagain.Iwastryingtoconvinceherthatthere

areplentyoffishintheseaandthatsheshouldtakeit

asanexperiencesoshewon’tmake thesamemistake

again.

However,it’seasiersaidthandone,right?Thishap‑

penstopeoplewhotrytocompromisewhattheyhave

withtheirpartners.Theygiveeverythingtheyhavejust

toseeitcrumpledtotheground.

Eventhoughpeoplelikeherhadbadexperiencesin

relationships,theyshouldnevergiveuponlove.Donot

leta“darkcloud”gooveryourheart.Thatdarkcloud

willjustblockeveryopportunitytobeloved.Ifyoufeel

thisway,don’tbeafraidoflove.


42

Broad‑mindedthoughwetakeourselvestobe,lustgets

abadpress.Itistheflyintheointment,theblacksheep

of thefamily, the ill‑bred, trashycousinofupstanding

memberslikeloveandfriendship.Itlivesonthewrong

sideofthetracks,lumbersaroundelbowingitswayinto

toomuchofourlives,andblusheswhenitcomesinto

company.

Some people like things a little on the trashy side,

butnotmostofusmostofthetime.Wesmileatlovers

holdinghandsinthepark,butwrinkleournosesifwe

find themactingout their lustunder thebushes.Love

receivestheworld’sapplause.Lustisfurtive,ashamed,

embarrassed.Lovepursues thegoodof theotherwith

self‑control,reasonandpatience.Lustpursuesitsown

gratification,headlong,impatientofanycontrol,immune

toreason.Lovethrivesoncandlelightandconversation.

Lustisequallyhappyinadoorwayorinataxi,andits

conversationismadeofanimalgruntsandcries.Love

isindividual:thereisonlytheuniqueother.Lusttakes

what comes. Lovers gaze into each other’s eyes. Lust

lookssideways,inventingdeceit,stratagemsandseduc‑

tions,sizingupopportunities.Lovegrowswithknowl‑

edgeandtime,courtship,truthandtrust.Lustisatrail

ofclothinginthehallway,thecollisionoftwofootball

packs.Lovelasts,lustcloys.

Thelandscapeofhumanlustandhumanthinkingis

huge. People have devoted lifetimes to charting small

partsofit.Evenasyouread,neurologistsareplottingit,

Love is not Lust

43

pharmacistsaredesigningdrugstomodifyit,doctorsare

tinkeringwithitsmalfunctions,socialpsychologistsare

setting questionnaires about it, evolutionary psycholo‑

gistsaredreamingup theoriesof itsorigins,postmod‑

ernistsaredeconstructingit,andfeministsareworrying

about it. And a large part of the world’s literature is

devotedtoit,ortoitscloserelative,eroticlove.

Anotherpersonalopinionisthatlustcanbebeautified

if it isdipped in thepoolof love.Lust is just another

form of love which should be made soft and silky to

makeabeautifulrelationship.

FRIENDSHIP—THE ULTIMATE LOVE

Sofirst,Imustaskmyselfaquestion....Whatisreal

friendship? I hear about friendship a lot...there are

all sorts of TV shows depicting supposed friends

interacting with each other...people call each other

friend easily and quickly. But is all of that really

friendship?

Not tome.Througha lotof trialanderror, through

alotofpainfulinteraction,Ihavecometoasharpened

awarenessofwhatafriendreallyis.AndalotofwhatI

hearcalled“beingfriends”simplydoesnotfitintomy

definitionof“friendship”.

“Okay,fine,”’youmaysay.“Thenwhat,Beth,isyour

definitionoffriendship?”

Well, first I’d like toweedout the things I seeget‑

ting confused for friendship, but that aren’t it. I see

a continuum of various levels of social closeness:

Acquaintanceship, Companionship, Comradeship, and

then...finally...Friendship.

Chapter 5

Friendship—The Ultimate Love

45

It’sratherstrangehowweautomaticallybegincalling

a new acquaintance a friend, just because they act

friendly.Beingfriendly,asthewordisused,reallyhas

verylittlewiththecore,thedepthofbeingafriend.It

is really nothing more than a happy, welcoming style

ofpoliteness.Sure, friendsareusuallywarmandwel‑

coming,too,butpeoplemakethisautomaticjumpfrom

pleasantnesstofriendshipwithoutcheckingtoseeifthat

iswhatitreallyis.

Or inotherwords, justbecauseyouare treatingme

nicelyandIhappentoknowyournamedoesnotmake

meyourfriend.ItmeansIhavethebeginningofanidea

ofwhoyouare,butnotenoughtosaythatIaremore

thananacquaintance.

But let’s say we do more than acknowledge each

other’sexistenceinapleasantmanner.Wegettotalk‑

ingandfindoutwesharesomethingsincommon.Per‑

haps we even met in the first place because we share

acommon interest andarebothmembersof the same

club or interest‑related group. While we’re there, we

likehangingoutwitheachother...Welikeeachother’s

company,eventhoughwestillreallydon’tknowmuch

moreabouteachotherthanwhatweseeonthesurface.

Wehavereachedthestatusofhang‑outbuddies,weare

sharingcompanionship.

Similar, but I think generally deeper; there is the

comradeship that develops between people who are


46

working towards a common goal or for a common

cause.Comrades‑in‑arms,whetherpartofthemilitary,

co‑workersinamanufacturingplantorsupportstafffor

MRgrouphomes,oftenshareabondingduetothespe‑

cificstressesoftheworkthattheyarebothundergoing

atthesametime.Becausetheyunderstandthestresses

ofthejoband/orsituationthattheyareunder,theyare

abletoclearlyunderstandthosestressesthattheother

person is also under. Even so, that connection is not

friendship.Itislimitedanddoesnotmeanyouhavean

understandingoftheotherpersonasawhole.Youonly

understandoneaspect.

Understandingisakeyconcepthere.Inallmyobser‑

vations, in all my ponderings, it consistently appears

thattherecannotbeatruefriendshipwithoutfirstbuild‑

ingunderstanding.Youwillundoubtedlyhaveamuch

harder time caring about something (and someone) if

youcannotunderstandit/thematall.

Ironically, however, it also appears that the clos‑

est friendships can be between people who are very,

very different. For example, Alex and I have a very

strong friendship, but I think in completely different

waysthanshedoes.Hermindassessesthingsusinga

muchmoremathematicaltypeofapproach,whilemy

ownapproachtendstobemoreofasynthesis...which

inturnsappearstometoberelatedtovisualinterpreta‑

tionsofdata.


47

Thereisagreatdealofunderstandingbetweenus...

we have shared many similar experiences as well

as literally sharing experiences (having done things

together).Wehavealsohelpedeachotherunderstand

eachother,sothatalthoughwedonotprimarilythink

liketheotherdoes,wecan(usually)followeachother

in our thoughts. In this respect, having the dissimilar

aswellasthesimilarhelpskeepthingsinteresting.We

canbothunderstandandbecompletelymystifiedatthe

sametime...orsoitsometimesseems,(LOL).

And sowe finally come tomydefinitionof friend‑

ship—deep,genuinecaring,concernandawillingnessto

acttothebenefitofthefriendevenwithoutanyobvious

rewardsorreturns.Becauseoftheseprerequisites,there

will also be a subsequent amount of thought given to

your friend...you will take them and their own wants,

needs,andpreferencesas well as your ownintoaccount

whenever both of you are involved. You will, by the

natureoffriendship,beconsiderateofthem.

Thisiswhatitmeanstobeafriend.Eventhoughthere

isdifference,thereisalsoharmony.Theremaybedif‑

ferencesinstylesofthoughtandbeing,butthelinesof

themelody,sotospeak,willbetravellinginthesame

directionandshowasimilarityinchoices.Inmoralfibre,

perhapswouldbeonewaytosayit.Therewillbe,for

all the differences, very distinct similarities in values,

worldviews,andpersonaldevelopmentgoals.


48

Ondefiningfriendshipascaring,concernandawill‑

ingnesstoactonbehalfofone’sfriendhasanothercon‑

textaswell. In thiscontext,beingone’sownfriendis

thoroughlyhealthyandinmyopinionanecessity.Ifyou

cannotbeafriendtoyourselffirst,youcannottrulybe

afriend toanyoneelse.This isespecially truesince it

takes understanding in order to care. This means you

must understand your own self in order to care about

yourself...thatfirstimportantsteptowardsrealfriendship.

Youcannotjumpthattasktobeatruefriendtoanother,

whoyouwillalmostcertainlyunderstandevenlessthan

youunderstandyourself.

Irespectfullysubmit thatbeingafriend,whetheror

notanotherpersoniseverafriendback,isoneofthose

importantmilestonesontheroadoflivingasuccessful

and rich life. Trying to earn another person’s friend‑

shipisnotthewaytogo.Itisnotasimportanttohave

friends...itisimportanttobeafriend.

Beafriendtoyourselffirst;theotherswillfindyou

astheyareready.

Whatissogreatasfriendship,letuscarrywithwhat

grandeurofspiritwecan.Letusbesilent—sowemay

hearthewhisperofthegods.Letusnotinterfere.Who

setyoutocastaboutwhatyoushouldsaytotheselect

souls,orhowtosayanythingtosuch?Nomatterhow

ingenious,nomatterhowgracefulandbland.Thereare

innumerabledegreesoffollyandwisdom,andforyou


49

tosayaughtistobefrivolous.Waitandthyheartshall

speak. Wait until the necessary and everlasting over‑

powersyou,untildayandnightavailthemselvesofyour

lips.Theonlyrewardofvirtueisvirtue:theonlywayto

haveafriendistobeone.Youshallnotcomenearera

manbygetting intohishouse. Ifunlike,hissoulonly

flees the faster fromyou, andyou shall never catch a

trueglanceofhis eye.We see thenoble afaroff, and

theyrepelus;whyshouldweintrude?Late—verylate—

weperceive thatnoarrangements,no introductionsor

habitsofsociety,wouldbeofanyavailtoestablishus

insuchrelationswiththemaswedesire—butsolelythe

upriseofnatureinustothesamedegreeitisinthem:

thenshallwemeetaswaterwithwater:andifweshould

notmeetthemthen,weshallnotwantthem,forweare

alreadythey.Inthelastanalysis,loveisonlythereflec‑

tionofaman’sownworthiness fromothermen.Men

havesometimesexchangednameswiththeirfriends,as

iftheywouldsignifythatintheirfriendeachlovedhis

ownsoul.

The higher the style we demand of friendship, of

coursethelesseasytoestablishitwithfleshandblood.

Wewalkaloneintheworld.Friends,suchaswedesire,

aredreamsandfables.Butasublimehopecheersever

thefaithfulheart,thatelsewhere,inotherregionsofthe

universal power; souls are now acting, enduring, and

daring,whichcanloveus,andwhichwecanlove.We

maycongratulateourselvesthattheperiodofnonage,of

follies,ofblunders,andofshame,ispassedinsolitude,


50

and when we are finished men, we shall grasp heroic

handsinheroichands.Onlybeadmonishedbywhatyou

alreadysee,nottostrikeleaguesoffriendshipwithcheap

persons, where no friendship can be. Our impatience

betraysusintorashandfoolishallianceswhichnoGod

attends.Bypersisting inyourpath, thoughyou forfeit

thelittle,yougainthegreat.Youdemonstrateyourself,

soastoputyourselfoutofthereachoffalserelations,

andyoudrawtoyouthefirst‑bornoftheworld—those

rarepilgrimswhereofonlyoneortwowanderinnature

atonce,andbeforewhomthevulgargreat,showasspec‑

tresandshadowsmerely.

Itisfoolishtobeafraidofmakingourtiestoospiri‑

tual;asifsowecouldloseanygenuinelove.Whatever

correctionofourpopularviewswemakefrominsight,

naturewillbesuretobearusoutin,andthoughitseem

torobusofsomejoy,willrepayuswithagreater.Let

us feel, ifwewill, theabsolute insulationofman.We

aresurethatwehaveallinus.WegotoEurope,orwe

pursuepersons,orwereadbooks,intheinstinctivefaith

thatthesewillcallitoutandrevealustoourselves.Beg‑

garsall.Thepersonsaresuchaswe;theEurope,anold

fadedgarmentofdeadpersons;thebooks,theirghosts.

Letusdrop this idolatry.Letusgiveover thismendi‑

cancy.Letusevenbidourdearestfriendsfarewell,and

defythem,saying,“Whoareyou?Unhandme:Iwillbe

dependentnomore.’Ah!seestthounot,Obrother,that

thuswepart only tomeet againon ahigherplatform,

andonlybemoreeachother’s,becausewearemoreour


51

own?”AfriendisJanus‑faced:helookstothepastand

thefuture.Heisthechildofallmyforegoinghours,the

prophetofthosetocome,andtheharbingerofagreater

friend.

Ido thenwithmyfriendsas Idowithmybooks. I

wouldhave themwhereIcanfind them,butIseldom

usethem.Wemusthavesocietyonourownterms,and

admitorexcludeitontheslightestcause.Icannotafford

tospeakmuchwithmyfriend.Ifheisgreat,hemakesme

sogreatthatIcannotdescendtoconverse.Inthegreat

days,presentimentshoverbeforemeinthefirmament.I

oughtthentodedicatemyselftothem.IgointhatImay

seizethem;IgooutthatImayseizethem.Ifearonlythat

Imaylosethemrecedingintotheskyinwhichnowthey

areonlyapatchofbrighterlight.Then,thoughIprize

myfriends,Icannotaffordtotalkwiththemandstudy

theirvisions, lestI losemyown.Itwouldindeedgive

meacertainhouseholdjoytoquitthisloftyseeking,this

spiritualastronomy,orsearchofstars,andcomedown

towarmsympathieswithyou;but then Iknowwell I

shallmournalways thevanishingofmymightygods.

Itistrue,nextweekIshallhavelanguidmoods,when

Icanwellaffordtooccupymyselfwithforeignobjects

andthenIshallregret thelost literatureofyourmind,

andwishyouwerebymysideagain.Butifyoucome,

perhapsyouwillfillmymindonlywithnewvisions,not

withyourselfbutwithyourlustre,andIshallnotbeable

anymorethannowtoconversewithyou.SoIwillowe

tomyfriendsthisevanescentintercourse.Iwillreceive


52

fromthemnotwhattheyhave,butwhattheyare.They

shallgivemethatwhichproperlytheycannotgive,but

whichemanatesfromthem.Buttheyshallnotholdme

byanyrelationslesssubtleandpure.Wewillmeetas

thoughwemetnot,andpartasthoughwepartednot.

IthasseemedtomelatelymorepossiblethanIknew,

tocarrya friendshipgreatly,ononeside,withoutdue

correspondence on the other. Why should I cumber

myselfwithregretsthatthereceiverisnotcapacious?It

nevertroublesthesunthatsomeofhisraysfallwideand

vainintoungratefulspaceandonlyasmallpartonthe

reflectingplanet.Letyourgreatnesseducate thecrude

andcoldcompanion.Ifheisunequal,hewillpresently

passaway;butthouartenlargedbythyownshiningand,

nolongeramateforfrogsandworms,dostsoarandburn

withthegodsoftheempyrean.Itisthoughtadisgraceto

loveunrequited.Butthegreatwillseethattruelovecan‑

not be unrequited. True love transcends the unworthy

object,anddwellsandbroodsontheeternal,andwhen

the poor, interposed mask crumbles, it is not sad, but

feelsridofsomuchearth,andfeelsitsindependencythe

surer.Yetthesethingsmayhardlybesaidwithoutasort

of treachery to the relation. The essence of friendship

isentireness,atotalmagnanimityandtrust.Itmustnot

surmiseorprovideforinfirmity.Ittreatsitsobjectasa

god,thatitmaydeifyboth.

Chapter 1

I would conclude by saying that all emotions centre

aroundthenameoflove.Thedifferenceisthatweneed

tomendourselvestoearnhappinessoutofsadness,joy

inplaceofsorrow,softnessinsteadofhardnessandso

on.Onehastoknowoneselftobejudged.

SIMILARLYKNOWMETOJUDGEME!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’velearntthat

Ifamanwantsyou,nothingcankeephimaway.

If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him

stay...

Stopmakingexcusesforamanandhisbehaviour.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from

heartache.

Stoptryingtochangeyourselvesforarelationship

that’snotmeanttobe.Slowerisbetter.Neverlive

yourlifeforamanbeforeyoufindwhatmakesyou

trulyhappy.Ifarelationshipendsbecausetheman

wasnottreatingyouasyoudeservethenheckno,

youcan’t“befriends”.Afriendwouldn’tmistreat

afriend.Don’tsettle.Ifyoufeellikeheisstringing

youalong,thenheprobablyis.

CONCLUSION


54

Don’t stay because you think “it will get better”.

You’ll bemad at yourself a year later for staying

whenthingsarenotbetter.

Theonlypersonyoucancontrolinarelationshipis

you.

Never let a man know everything, he will use it

againstyou!!!!

I’velearnedthatyoucannotmakesomeoneloveyou.

Allyoucando isbe someonewhocanbe loved.The

restisuptothem.I’velearnedthatnomatterhowmuch

I care, some people just don’t care back. I’ve learned

thatittakesyearstobuilduptrustandonlysecondsto

destroy it. I’ve learned that it’s not what you have in

yourlive,butwhoyouhaveinyourlifethatcounts.

I’ve learned thatyou shouldn’t compareyourself to

thebestotherscando,buttothebestyoucando.I’ve

learned that it’snotwhathappens topeople, it’swhat

theydo about it. I’ve learned that nomatter how thin

yousliceit,therearealwaystwosides.I’velearnedthat

youshouldalwaysleavelovedoneswithlovingwords.

Itmaybethelasttimeyou’llseethem.I’velearnedthat

youcankeepgoinglongafteryouthinkyoucan’t.

I’velearnedthatheroesarethepeoplewhodowhat

hastobedonewhenitneedstobedone,regardlessof

the consequences. I’ve learned that there are people,

wholoveyoudearly,butjustdon’tknowhowtoshow

Conclusion

55

it. I’ve learned thatsometimeswhenI’mangryIhave

therighttobeangrybutthatdoesn’tgivemetherightto

becruel.I’velearnedthatTRUEfriendshipcontinuesto

growevenoverthelongestdistance;thesamegoesfor

TRUElove.

I’ve learned that no matter how good a friend is,

they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and

youmustforgivethemforthat.I’velearnedthatitisn’t

alwaysenoughtobeforgivenbyothers,sometimesyou

havetolearntoforgiveyourself.I’velearnedthatno

matterhowbadyourheartisbroken,theworlddoesn’t

stopforyourgrief.I’velearnedthatjustbecausetwo

people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each

otherandjustbecausetheydon’targue,itdoesn’tmean

theydo.

I’velearnedthatsometimesyouhavetoputtheindi‑

vidualaheadoftheiractions.I’velearnedthattwopeo‑

plecanlookattheexactsamethingandseesomething

totallydifferent.I’velearnedthatnomattertheconse‑

quences,thosewhoarehonestwiththemselvesgetfar‑

therinlife.I’velearnedthatyourlifecanbechangedin

amatterofhours.

I’ve learned that thepeopleyoucaremost about in

lifeare takenfromyoutoosoon.I’ve learned that it’s

hardtodeterminewheretodrawthelinebetweenbeing

niceandnothurtingpeople’sfeelingsandstandingup

forwhatyoubelieve.I’velearnedtoloveandbeloved.


56

I’velearnedthatthere’snooneinthisworldIlikebetter

oramcloser to thanmyMomandDad...Theyare the

oneswhowillstandwithyouallthetime.

Istandupformyselfandmybeliefs...Istandupfor

thoseIlove...Ispeakmymind,thinkmyownthoughts

anddothingsmyway.Iwon’tcompromisewithwhat’s

in my heart, I live my life MY way. I won’t allow

anyone to step on me, I refuse to tolerate injustice. It

meansIhavethecourageandstrengthtoallowmyself

tobeme.Sotrytostomponme,dousemyinnerflame,

squasheveryounceofbeautyIholdwithin—youwon’t

succeed.And if thatmakesmeaSUPERWOMAN, I

embracemytitleandIamproudtobeone!

Thereisnorealconclusiontolife,loveandrelation‑

ship.Therealconclusionliesintheflowofthoughtsand

measurestoimplementthelove.Therearemanytimes

when love doesn’t respond the way we want to, or it

doesn’tdothingstomakeyoufeelontopoftheheaven.

Whatweneedtounderstandisthatloveneverdiesand

nevergoesaway. It remainssilent forever irrespective

ofanymaterialistic thingshappeningornot. It ishard

tobelieveandevenhard to implement, but this is the

truth.

SPREADTHEMESSAGEFORABETTERFUTURE

…BETTERLIVING

…ANDHENCEABETTERLIFE!!!!

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