Making Marriage Last Into The Eternities: The Three “C”s �

Dean M. Busby, Ph.D. Director, School of Family Life

Brigham Young University

A Little Humor Goes a Long Way in Marriage •  "The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that

she took him." -Oscar Wilde •  "Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking

for, go live with a car battery." -Erma Bombeck •  “I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep

one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.” -Lyndon B. Johnson

•  “All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” -Raymond Hull

The first “C” •  What is the chance that a couple who married today will

get a divorce? •  The only answer is “It depends on… •  The chances of divorce could be as high as 95 percent or

as low as 5% depending on a variety of factors. •  Beyond the challenges inherent in getting along with

someone across many decades, we are suffering from a crisis in belief or COMMITMENT, the first C

•  The neurosis of the younger generation is that they have an expectation of relationship failure.

•  They are trying more than anything to avoid a disaster rather than pursue a relationship of joy and love

•  They look on marriage as a transition of loss rather than a transition of gain.

The first “C” •  In addition to suffering from fear of failure, people

approaching marriage today have one of two primary orientations:

Love is a matter of Love is a matter of Destiny or Spiritual Magic Effort and Growth

•  Those who believe in destiny have low commitment in

times of difficulty •  Those who believe love is about effort and growth

persevere during difficulties and marriage almost always gets better.

For those who are not yet married •  Seven ways to make divorce highly unlikely without even

treating your partner better! –  Make more than $50,000 a year-30% reduction –  Have children, but make sure the first child is born eight

months or more after marriage-25% reduction –  Marry when over 20 years of age-24% reduction –  Family of origin intact-14% reduction –  Religious Affiliation-14% reduction –  College Education-27% reduction –  Temple marriage-30% reduction

For those who are already married •  Fortunately most of what makes a marriage last and

become fulfilling is under your control. You decide •  How to handle differences or Conflict (The second “C”) •  Whether you will consistently Connect (The Third “C”) •  How is conflict different than contention? •  There are four styles or ways of dealing with conflict

–  Avoidant –  Validating –  Volatile –  Hostile

Q: Why do we look at conflict to categorize marriage styles?

A: High amount of emotion brings out the “true colors” of a relationship.

Each of the three functional styles has

strengths and weaknesses!

Common Characteristics: • Excellent communicators

• “I see”, “Mmm-hmmm”

• Share distress by mirroring

• Friendship/ “we-ness”

• Share everything (time, activities, interests, feelings)

• Highly value communication, openness, being in love, and affection in their marriage

Strengths • Both partners feel valued

• Ideal portrayed in the media

• Balance between volatile and avoidant

Weaknesses / Risks: • Sacrifice romance and individuality for friendship and togetherness

• May forgo personal development to keep connection strong

Common Characteristics: • Bicker (over little things)

• Debate seen as positive involvement

• High emotion (+/-)

• Very passionate

• See themselves as equals

• Individuality

• Personal space

• Playful

Strengths • Passionate and exciting marriages

• Fun to make up after quarrels

• Honest and open relationship

Weaknesses / Risks: • Bickering could consume marriage

• Teasing and honesty could be hurtful

• More likely to cross into hostility than other styles

Common Characteristics: • Sense of commitment

• Least passion of all styles

• Value independence

• Based on shared marriage philosophy

• Don’t think conflict is worth it

• Emphasize the positive and accept the negative

Strengths • Live peaceful lives

• Many problems do work themselves out

Weaknesses / Risks: • Don’t know how to handle conflict

• Become lonely

• Don’t feel understood

What do the three functional marriage styles all have in common?

5 : 1 Positive—Negative

Exchanges

• Not classified as a functional “Marriage Style”

• Final stage in cascade to divorce

• ALWAYS DYSFUNCTIONAL

Easiest if couples match in conflict style, except for the hostile style.

Couples mismatching in conflict style can feel like there is something “off” in their relationships

General challenges of mismatched couples:

• Feel misunderstood

• Arguments seem unfinished

• Patronize partner’s style

• One partner feels shut out, and the other overwhelmed

Specific challenges of Volatile - Avoidant mismatched couples:

• Initial attraction due to spontaneity/security

• Over time a pursuer-distancer relationship emerges

• Each partner wants other to be more like them Volatile spouse feels shut out and wants other to open up

Avoidant spouse feels flooded and wants other to calm down

Challenges of Avoidant - Validating & Volatile – Validating mismatched couples:

• Same basic pattern, just less extreme.

How Do We Avoid Hostility? •  What distinguishes the telestial world from the terrestrial

world? –  Enmity –  To have a good marriage in the telestial world you must

learn to overcome enmity. –  Learn to stop the Cascade as quickly as possible.

The Cascade to Marital Enmity Ignoring Bids/Refusing Influence

Criticism

Defensiveness

Contempt

Stonewalling

Hostility

Repair Attempts Flooding

Enmity

Stonewalling

•  Pay Attention! Pay Attention! Pay Attention!

•  We actually spend more time together than families and couples did 30 years ago, but…

•  We spend much less time interacting with one another

•  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLlpXjEWc88

Ignoring Bids/Refusing Influence

•  Pay Attention! Pay Attention! Pay Attention! •  A Bid is a question, a gesture, a look, a touch—any

expression that says “I want to feel connected to you, I want your attention, I am interested in talking to you.”

•  Reponses to Bids are called Turns –  Turn toward, turn away, turn against. –  Turn Away tendencies-Preoccupied (most common),

Disregarding (usually silence), Interrupting. •  Gender differences

–  Husbands headed for divorce disregard their partners’ bids 82% of the time, while husbands in stable marriages disregard bids 19% of the time.

–  Wives headed for divorce act preoccupied 50% of the time, while happily married wives act preoccupied just 14% of the time.

–  Happy couples engage each other in a typical dinner conversation almost 100 times, unhappily married couples less than 60 times.

Ignoring Bids/Refusing Influence

•  How is a complaint different than a criticism? •  A criticism contains a complaint but it implies that the

reason for the complaint is that there is something wrong with the partner or that the partner is to blame. –  Complaint, “I’m frustrated that you didn’t speak to me about

what happened at work yesterday. I had to find out from Karen.” –  Criticism: “You never talk to me about your problems. I wish you

weren’t so uncaring.” •  All couples criticize some. This leads to-

Criticism

Defensiveness Flooding &

Most Important Communication Skill- Not Reciprocating Negativity 1. Listen nondefensively 2. Find something to agree with (humor) 3. Seek clarification or ask for suggestions 4. Ask if there is anything else that is bothering the person 5. Disengage if 1-3 lead to increased negativity 6. Remember all intense emotions are an invitation for intimacy

Repair Attempts

Enmity

Stonewalling

Hostility

Happy and stable couples rarely if ever experience these

•  Choosing a spouse is choosing a set of unsolvable problems. –  Approximately 70% of conflicts are about unsolvable problems –  Unsolvable problems are connected to core personality

differences, differences in dreams or ambitions or values http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/dont-buy-stuff/n12020

What Do We Usually Argue About?

•  How do stable, happy couples deal with these unsolvable problems? –  They begin to notice the issues that are endless circles. –  Someone tries to repair the conversation before everything falls

apart, –  Not just one person attempts to repair the relationship. –  “Here we go again” becomes almost humorous –  They learn to address or at least acknowledge underlying issues/

dreams

Unsolvable Problems

Charity is the Key

And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Wherefore…pray unto the father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son.