Margaret Atwood - Penelopiad

7/28/2019 Margaret Atwood - Penelopiad

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THEPENELOPIAD 1

Selectionsfrom

THEPENELOPIAD

ByMargaretAtwood

MY CHILDHOOD

WhereshallIbegin?Thereareonlytwochoices:atthebeginningornotatthe

beginning.Therealbeginningwouldbethebeginningoftheworld,afterwhichone

thinghasledtoanother;butsincetherearedifferencesofopinionaboutthat,I'll

beginwithmyownbirth.

MyfatherwasKingIcariusofSparta.MymotherwasaNaiad.Daughtersof

Naiadswereadimeadozeninthosedays;theplacewascrawlingwiththem.

Nevertheless,itneverhurtstobeofsemidivinebirth.Oritneverhurtsimmediately.

WhenIwasquiteyoungmyfatherorderedmetobethrownintothesea.I

neverknewexactlywhy,duringmylifetime,butnowIsuspecthe'dbeentoldbyan

oraclethatIwouldweavehisshroud.Possiblyhethoughtthatifhekilledmefirst,

hisshroudwouldneverbewovenandhewouldliveforever.Icanseehowthe

reasoningmighthavegone.Inthatcase,hiswishtodrownmecamefroman

understandabledesiretoprotecthimself.Buthemusthavemisheard,orelsethe

oracleherselfmisheardthegodsoftenmumblebecauseitwasnothisshroud

thatwasatissue,butmyfatherinlaw'sshroud.Ifthatwastheprophecyitwasa


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2 THEPENELOPIAD

trueone,andindeedtheweavingofthisparticularshroudprovedagreat

conveniencetomelateroninmylife.

Theteachingofcraftstogirlshasfallenoutoffashionnow,Iunderstand,but

luckilyithadnotinmyday.It'salwaysanadvantagetohavesomethingtodowithyourhands.Thatway,ifsomeonemakesaninappropriateremark,youcanpretend

youhaven'theardit.Thenyoudon'thavetoanswer.

Butperhapsthisshroudweavingoracleideaofmineisbaseless.PerhapsI

haveonlyinventeditinordertomakemyselffeelbetter.Somuchwhisperinggoes

on,inthedarkcaverns,inthemeadows,thatsometimesit'shardtoknowwhether

thewhisperingiscomingfromothersorfromtheinsideofyourownhead.Iusehead

figuratively.Wehavedispensedwithheadsassuch,downhere.

NomatterintotheseaIwasthrown.DoIrememberthewavesclosingover

me,doIrememberthebreathleavingmylungsandthesoundofbellspeoplesay

thedrowninghear?Notintheleast.ButIwastoldthestory:thereisalwayssome

servantorslaveoroldnurseorbusybodyreadytoregaleachildwiththeawful

thingsdonetoitbyitsparentswhenitwastooyoungtoremember.Hearingthis

discouraginganecdotedidnotimprovemyrelationswithmyfather.Itistothis

episodeorrather,tomyknowledgeofitthatIattributemyreserve,aswellas

mymistrustofotherpeople'sintentions.

ItwasstupidofIcariustotrytodrownthedaughterofaNaiad,however.

Waterisourelement,itisourbirthright.Althoughwearenotsuchgoodswimmers

asourmothers,wedohaveawayoffloating,andwe'rewellconnectedamongthe

fishandseabirds.Aflockofpurplestripedduckscametomyrescueandtowedme

ashore.Afteranomenlikethat,whatcouldmyfatherdo?Hetookmeback,and

renamedmeduckwasmynewnickname.Nodoubthefeltguiltyaboutwhathe'd

almostdone:hebecame,ifanything,rathertooaffectionatetowardsme.

Ifoundthisaffectiondifficulttoreciprocate.Youcanimagine.ThereIwould

be,strollinghandinhandwithmyapparentlyfondmaleparentalongacliffedgeor

ariverbankoraparapet,andthethoughtwouldoccurtomethathemight


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THEPENELOPIAD 3

suddenlydecidetoshovemeoverorbashmetodeathwitharock.Preservinga

calmfacadeunderthesecircumstanceswasachallenge.AftersuchexcursionsI

wouldretiretomyroomanddissolveinfloodsoftears.(Excessiveweeping,Imight

aswelltellyounow,isahandicapoftheNaiadborn.Ispentatleastaquarterofmy

earthlylifecryingmyeyesout.Fortunatelyinmytimetherewereveils.Theywerea

practicalhelpfordisguisingred,puffyeyes.)

Mymother,likeallNaiads,wasbeautiful,butchillyatheart.Shehadwaving

hairanddimples,andripplinglaughter.Shewaselusive.WhenIwaslittleIoften

triedtothrowmyarmsaroundher,butshehadahabitofslidingaway.Iliketo

thinkthatshemayhavebeenresponsibleforcallingupthatflockofducks,but

probablyshewasn't:shepreferredswimmingintherivertothecareofsmall

children,andIoftenslippedhermind.Ifmyfatherhadn'thadmethrownintothe

seashemighthavedroppedmeinherself,inafitofabsentmindednessorirritation.

Shehadashortattentionspanandrapidlychangingemotions.

YoucanseebywhatI'vetoldyouthatIwasachildwholearnedearlythe

virtuesifsuchtheyareofselfsufficiency.IknewthatIwouldhavetolookout

formyselfintheworld.Icouldhardlycountonfamilysupport.


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4 THEPENELOPIAD

ASPHODEL

It'sdarkhere,asmanyhaveremarked.'DarkDeath',theyusedtosay.'Thegloomy

hallsofHades',andsoforth.Well,yes,itisdark,butthereareadvantagesfor

instance,ifyouseesomeoneyou'drathernotspeaktoyoucanalwayspretendyou

haven'trecognizedthem.Thereareofcoursethefieldsofasphodel.Youcanwalk

aroundinthemifyouwant.It'sbrighter'there,andacertainamountofvapid

dancinggoeson,thoughtheregionsoundsbetterthanitisthefieldsofasphodel

hasapoeticlilttoit.Butjustconsider.Asphodel,asphodel,asphodelprettyenoughwhiteflowers,butapersongetstiredofthemafterawhile,Itwouldhave

beenbettertosupplysomevarietyanassortmentofcolors,afewwindingpaths

andvistasandstonebenchesandfountains.Iwouldhavepreferredtheodd

hyacinth,atleast,andwouldasprinklingofcrocuseshavebeentoomuchtoexpect?

Thoughwenevergetspringhere,oranyotherseasons.Youdohavetowonderwho

designedtheplace.

HaveImentionedthefactthatthere'snothingtoeatexceptasphodel?

ButIshouldn'tcomplain.

Thedarkergrottoesaremoreinterestingtheconversationthereisbetter,if

youcanfindaminorrascalofsomesortapickpocket,astockbroker,asmalltime

pimp.Likealotofgoodygoodygirls,Iwasalwayssecretlyattractedtomenofthat

kind.

Idon'tfrequentthereallydeeplevelsmuch,though.That'swherethe

punishmentsaredealtouttothetrulyvillainous,thosewhowerenotsufficiently

punishedwhilealive.It'shardtoputupwiththescreams.Thetortureismental

torture,however,sincewedon'thavebodiesanymore.Whatthegodsreallylikeis

toconjureupbanquetsbigplattersofmeat,heapsofbread,bunchesofgrapes

andthensnatchthemaway.Makingpeoplerollheavystonesupsteephillsis


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THEPENELOPIAD 5

anotheroftheirfavoritejests.Isometimeshaveayentogodownthere:itmight

helpmetorememberwhatitwasliketohaverealhunger,whatitwasliketohave

realfatigue.

Everyonceinawhilethefogspartandwegetaglimpseoftheworldoftheliving.It'slikerubbingtheglassonadirtywindow,makingaspacetolookthrough.

Sometimesthebarrierdissolvesandwecangoonanouting.Thenwegetvery

excited,andthereisagreat'dealofsqueaking.

Theseoutingscantakeplaceinmanyways.Onceuponatime,anyonewho

wishedtoconsultuswouldslitthethroatofasheeporcoworpigandlettheblood

flowintoatrenchintheground.We'dsmellitandmakeabeelineforthesite,like

fliestoacarcass.Therewe'dbe,chirpingandfluttering,thousandsofus,likethecontentsofagiantwastepaperbasketcaughtinatornado,whilesomeselfstyled

heroheldusoffwithdrawnsworduntiltheonehewantedtoconsultappeared.A

fewvagueprophecieswouldbeforthcoming:welearnedtokeepthemvague.Why

telleverything?Youneededtokeepthemcomingbackformore,withothersheep,

cows,pigs,andsoforth.

Oncetherightnumberofwordshadbeenhandedovertotheherowe'dall

beallowedtodrinkfromthetrench,andIcan'tsaymuchinpraiseofthetable

mannersonsuchoccasions.Therewasalotofpushingandshoving,alotofslurping

andspilling;therewerealotofcrimsonchins.However,itwasglorioustofeelthe

bloodcoursinginournonexistentveinsagain,ifonlyforaninstant.

Wecouldsometimesappearasdreams,thoughthatwasn'tassatisfactory.

Thentherewerethosewhogotstuckonthewrongsideoftheriverbecausethey

hadn'tbeengivenproperburials.Theywanderedaroundinaveryunhappystate,

neitherherenorthere,andtheycouldcausealotoftrouble.

Thenafterhundreds,possiblythousandsofyearit'shardtokeeptrackof

timehere,becausewedon'thaveanyofitassuchcustomschanged.Noliving

peoplewenttotheunderworldmuchanymore,andourownabodewasupstagedby

amuchmorespectacularestablishmentdowntheroadfierypits,wailingand


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6 THEPENELOPIAD

gnashingofteeth,gnawingworms,demonswithpitchforksagreatmanyspecial

effects.

Butwewerestillcalledupoccasionallybymagiciansandconjurorsmen

who'dmadepactswiththeinfernalpowersandthenbysmallerfry,thetabletilters,themediums,thechannellers,peopleofthatilk.Itwasdemeaning,allofit

tohavetomaterializeinachalkcircleoravelvetupholsteredparlorjustbecause

someonewantedtogapeatyoubutitdidallowustokeepupwithwhatwas

goingonamongthestillalive.Iwasveryinterestedintheinventionofthelight

bulb,forinstance,andinthematterintoenergytheoriesofthetwentiethcentury.

Morerecently,someofushavebeenabletoinfiltratethenewetherealwave

systemthatnowencirclestheglobe,andtotravelaroundthatway,lookingoutat

theworldthroughtheflat,illuminatedsurfacesthatserveasdomesticshrines.

Perhapsthat'showthegodswereabletocomeandgoasquicklyastheydidback

thentheymusthavehadsomethinglikethatattheirdisposal.Inevergot

summonedmuchbythemagicians.Iwasfamous,yesaskanyonebutforsome

reasontheydidn'twanttoseeme,whereasmycousinHelenwasmuchindemand.

Itdidn'tseemfairIwasn'tknownfordoinganythingnotorious,especiallyofa

sexualnature,andshewasnothingifnotinfamous.Ofcourseshewasvery

beautiful.Itwasclaimedshe'dcomeoutofanegg,beingthedaughterofZeuswho'd

rapedhermotherintheformofaswan.Shewasquitestuckupaboutit,wasHelen.

Iwonderhowmanyofusreallybelievedthatswanrapeconcoction?Therewerea

lotofstoriesofthatkindgoingaroundthenthegodscouldn'tseemtokeeptheir

handsorpawsorbeaksoffmortalwomen,theywerealwaysrapingsomeoneor

other.

Anyway,themagiciansinsistedonseeingHelen,andshewaswillingto

oblige.Itwaslikeareturntotheolddaystohavealotofmengawpingather.She

likedtoappearinoneofherTrojanoutfits,overdecoratedtomytaste,butchacun

son got1.Shehadakindofslowtwirlshewoulddo;thenshe'dlowerherheadand

glanceupintothefaceofwhoeverhadconjuredherup,andgiveoneofher

1Peoplehavetheirownpreferences


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THEPENELOPIAD 7

trademarkintimatesmiles,andtheywerehers.Orshe'dtakeontheforminwhich

shedisplayedherselftoheroutragedhusband,Menelaus,whenTroywasburning

andhewasabouttoplungehisvengefulswordintoher.Allshehadtodowasbare

oneofherpeerlessbreasts,andhewasdownonhisknees,anddroolingand

beggingtotakeherback.

Asforme...well,peopletoldmeIwasbeautiful,theyhadtotellmethat

becauseIwasaprincess,andshortlyafterthataqueen,butthetruthwasthat

althoughIwasnotdeformedorugly,Iwasnothingspecialtolookat.Iwassmart,

though:consideringthetimes,verysmart.ThatseemstobewhatIwasknownfor:

beingsmart.That,andmyweaving,andmydevotiontomyhusband,andmy

discretion.

Ifyouwereamagician,messingaroundinthedarkartsandriskingyour

soul,wouldyouwanttoconjureupaplainbutsmartwifewho'dbeengoodat

weavingandhadnevertransgressed,insteadofawomanwho'ddrivenhundredsof

menmadwithlustandhadcausedagreatcitytogoupinflames?

NeitherwouldI.

Helenwasneverpunished,notonebit.Whynot,I'dliketoknow?Otherpeoplegot

strangledbyseaserpentsanddrownedinstormsandturnedintospidersandshot

witharrowsformuchsmallercrimes.Eatingthewrongcows.Boasting.Thatsortof

thing.You'dthinkHelenmighthavegotagoodwhippingattheveryleast,afterall

theharmandsufferingshecausedtocountlessotherpeople.Butshedidn't.

NotthatImind.NotthatIminded.

Ihadotherthingsinmylifetooccupymyattention.

Which brings me to the subject of my marriage.


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8 THEPENELOPIAD

MY MARRIAGE

Mymarriagewasarranged.That'sthewaythingsweredonethen:were

therewereweddings,therewerearrangements.Idon'tmeansuchthingsasbridal

outfits,flowers,banquets,andmusic,thoughwehadthosetoo.Everyonehasthose,

evennow;ThearrangementsImeanweremoredeviousthanthat.

Undertheoldrulesonlyimportantpeoplehadmarriages,becauseonly

importantpeoplehadinheritances:Alltherestwasjustcopulationofvariouskinds

rapesorseductions,loveaffairsoronenightstands,withgodswhosaidtheywere

shepherdsorshepherdswhosaidtheyweregods.Occasionallyagoddessmightget

mixedupinittodabblearoundinperishablefleshlikeaqueenplayingat

milkmaids,buttherewardforthemanwasashortenedlifeandoftenaviolent

death.Immortalityandmortalitydidn'tmixwell:itwasfireandmud,onlythefire

alwayswon.

Thegodswereneveraversetomakingamess.Infacttheyenjoyedit.To

watchsomemortalwithhisorhereyesfryingintheirsocketsthroughanoverdose

ofgodsexmadethemshakewithlaughter.Therewassomethingchildishaboutthe

gods,inanastyway.IcansaythisnowbecauseInolongerhaveabody,I'mbeyond

thatkindofsuffering,andthegodsaren'tlisteninganyway.AsfarasIcantell

they'vegonetosleep.Inyourworld,youdon'tgetvisitationsfromthegodstheway

peopleusedtounlessyou'reondrugs.

WherewasI?Ohyes.Marriages.Marriageswereforhavingchildren,and

childrenwerenottoysandpets.Childrenwerevehiclesforpassingthingsalong.

Thesethingscouldbekingdoms,richweddinggifts,stories,grudges,bloodfeuds.

Throughchildren,allianceswereforged;throughchildren,wrongswereavenged.

Tohaveachildwastosetlooseaforceintheworld.


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THEPENELOPIAD 9

Ifyouhadanenemyitwasbesttokillhissons,evenifthosesonswere

babies.Otherwisetheywouldgrowupandhuntyoudown.Ifyoucouldn'tbring

yourselftoslaughterthem,youcoulddisguisethemandsendthemfaraway,orsell

themasslaves,butaslongastheywerealivetheywouldbeadangertoyou.

Ifyouhaddaughtersinsteadofsons,youneededtogetthembredassoonas

possiblesoyoucouldhavegrandsons.Themoreswordwieldersandspear

throwersyoucouldcountonfromwithinyourfamilythebetter,becauseallthe

othernoteworthymenaroundwereonthelookoutforapretexttoraidsomeking

ornobleandcarryawayanything.theycouldgrab,peopleincluded.Weaknessin

onepowerholdermeantopportunityforanother,soeverykingandnobleneeded

allthehelphecouldget.

Thusitwentwithoutsayingthatamarriagewouldbearrangedforme

whenthetimecame.

AtthecourtofKingIcarius,myfather,theystillretainedtheancientcustomof

havingconteststoseewhoshouldmarryanoblybornwomanwhowassoto

speakontheblock.Themanwhowonthecontestgotthewomanandthe

wedding,andwasthenexpectedtostayatthebride'sfather'spalaceandcontributehisshareofmaleoffspring.Heobtainedwealththroughthemarriagegoldcups,

silverbowls,horses,robes,weapons,allthattrashtheyusedtovaluesomuchback

whenIwasalive.Hisfamilywasexpectedtohandoveralotofthistrashaswell.

IcansaytrashbecauseIknowwheremostofitendedup.Itmolderedawayinthegroundoritsanktothebottomofthesea,oritgotbrokenormelteddown.

Someofitmadeitswaytoenormouspalacesthathavestrangelynokingsor

queensinthem.Endlessprocessionsofpeopleingracelessclothingfilethroughthesepalaces,staringatthegoldcupsandthesilverbowls,whicharenotevenused

anymore.Thentheygotoasortofmarketinsidethepalaceandbuypicturesof

thesethings,orminiatureversionsofthemthatarenotrealsilverandgold.Thatis

whyIsaytrash.


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10 THEPENELOPIAD

Undertheancientcustoms,thehugepileofsparklingweddinglootstayed

withthebride'sfamily,inthebride'sfamily'spalace.Perhapsthatis.whymyfather

hadbecomesoattachedtomeafterhavingfailedtodrownmeinthesea:whereI

was,therewouldbethetreasure.

(Whydidhethrowmein?Thatquestionstillhauntsme.AlthoughI'mnot

altogethersatisfiedwiththeshroudweavingexplanation,I'veneverbeenableto

findtherightanswer,evendownhere.EverytimeIseemyfatherinthedistance,

wadingthroughtheasphodel,andtrytocatchupwithhim,hehurriesawayasifhe

doesn'twanttofaceme.

I'vesometimesthoughtImayhavebeenasacrificetothegodofthesea,

whowasknowntobethirstyforhumanlife.Thentheducksrescuedme,throughnoactofmyfather's.Isupposemyfathercouldarguethathe'dfulfilledhissideof

thebargain,ifbargainitwas,andthathehadn'tcheated,andthatiftheseagodhad

failedtodragmedownanddevourme,thatwashisowntoughluck.

ThemoreIthinkaboutthisversionofevents,themoreIlikeit.Itmakes

sense.)

Pictureme,then,asacleverbutnotoverlybeautifulgirlofmarriageable

age,let'ssayfifteen.SupposeI'mlookingoutthewindowofmyroomwhichwas

onthesecondfloorofthepalacedownintothecourtyardwherethecontestants

aregathering:allthoseyounghopefulswhowishtocompeteformyhand.

Idon'tlookdirectlyoutofthewindow,ofcourse.Idon'tplantmyelbowson

thewindowsilllikesomehulkingmaidandstareshamelessly.No,Ipeek,from

behindmyveilandfrombehindthedrapery.Itwouldnotdotoletallthosescantily

cladyoungmenseemyunveiledface.Thepalacewomenhavedolledmeupasbest

theycan,minstrelshavecomposedsongsofpraiseinmyhonor'radiantas

Aphrodite',andalltheusualclaptrapbutIfeelshyandmiserable.Theyoungmen

laughandjoke;theyseemateasewithoneanother;theydonotglanceup.


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THEPENELOPIAD 11

Iknowitisn'tmethey'reafter,notPenelopetheDuck.It'sonlywhatcomes

withmetheroyalconnection,thepileofglitteringjunk.Nomanwilleverkill

himselfforloveofme.

Andnomaneverdid.NotthatIwouldhavewantedtoinspirethosekindsof

suicides.Iwasnotamaneater,IwasnotaSiren,IwasnotlikecousinHelenwho

lovedtomakeconquestsjusttoshowshecould.Assoonasthemanwasgroveling,

anditnevertooklong,she'dstrollawaywithoutabackwardsglance,givingthat

carelesslaughofhers,asifshe'djustbeenwatchingthepalacemidgetstanding

ridiculouslyonhishead.

IwasakindgirlkinderthanHelen,orsoIthought.IknewIwouldhaveto

havesomethingtoofferinsteadofbeauty.Iwasclever,everyonesaidsoinfact

theysaiditsomuchthatIfounditdiscouragingbutclevernessisaqualityaman

likestohaveinhiswifeaslongassheissomedistanceawayfromhim.Upclose,

he'lltakekindnessanydayoftheweek,ifthere'snothingmorealluringtobehad.

Themostobvioushusbandformewouldhavebeenayoungersonofaking

withlargeestatesoneofKingNestor'sboys,perhaps.Thatwouldhavebeenagood

connectionforKingIcarius.Throughmyveil,Istudiedtheyoungmenmilling

arounddownbelow,tryingtofigureoutwhoeachonewasandathingofno

practicalconsequence,sinceitwasn'tuptometochoosemyhusbandwhichoneI

preferred.

Acoupleofthemaidswerewithmetheyneverleftmeunattended,Iwasa

riskuntilIwassafelymarried,becausewhoknewwhatupstartfortunehunter

mighttrytoseducemeorseizemeandrunawaywithme?Themaidsweremy

sourcesofinformation.Theywereeverflowingfountainsoftrivialgossip:they

couldcomeandgofreelyinthepalace,theycouldstudythemenfromallangles,

theycouldlisteninontheirconversations,theycouldlaughandjokewiththemas

muchastheypleased:noonecaredwhomightwormhiswayinbetweentheirlegs.

'Who'sthebarrelchestedone?'Iasked.


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12 THEPENELOPIAD

'Oh,that'sonlyOdysseus,'saidoneofthemaids.Hewasnotconsideredby

themaidsatleasttobeaseriouscandidateformyhand.Hisfather'spalacewas

onIthaca,agoatstrewnrock;hisclotheswererustic;hehadthemannersofa

smalltownbigshot,andhadalreadyexpressedseveralcomplicatedideasthe

othersconsideredpeculiar.Hewascleverthough,theysaid.Infacthewastoo

cleverforhisowngood.Theotheryoungmenmadejokesabouthim'Don't

gamblewithOdysseus,thefriendofHermes,'theysaid.'You'llneverwin.'Thiswas

likesayinghewasacheatandathief.HisgrandfatherAutolycuswaswellknownfor

theseveryqualities,andwasreputednevertohavewonanythingfairlyinhislife.

'Iwonderhowfasthecanrun,'Isaid.Insomekingdomsthecontestfor

brideswasawrestlingmatch,inothersachariotrace,butwithusitwasjust

running.

'Notveryfast,onthoseshortlegsofhis,'saidonemaidunkindly.Andindeed

thelegsofOdysseuswerequiteshortinrelationtohisbody.Itwasallrightwhen

hewassittingdown,youdidn'tnotice,butstandinguphelookedtopheavy.

'Notfastenoughtocatchyou,'saidanotherofthemaids.'Youwouldn'twant

towakeupinthemorningandfindyourselfinbedwithyourhusbandandaherdof

Apollo'scows.'ThiswasajokeaboutHermes,whosefirstactofthieveryontheday

hewasborninvolvedanaudaciouscattleraid.'Notunlessoneofthemwasabull,'

saidanother.'Orelseagoat,'saidathird.'Abigstrongram!Ibetouryoungduck

wouldlikethat!She'dbebleatingsoonenough!''Iwouldn'tmindoneofthatkind

myself,'saidafourth.'Betteraramthanthebabyfingersyougetaroundhere.'They

allbeganlaughing,holdingtheirhandsovertheirmouthsandsnortingwithmirth.

Iwasmortified.Ididn'tunderstandthecoarserkindsofjokes,notyet,soIdidn'tknowexactlywhytheywerelaughing,thoughIunderstoodthattheir

laughterwasatmyexpense.ButIhadnowayofmakingthemstop.

***


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THEPENELOPIAD 13

AtthismomentmycousinHelencamesailingup,likethelongneckedswanshe

fanciedherselftobe.Shehadadistinctiveswayingwalkandshewasexaggerating

it.Althoughminewasthemarriageinquestion,shewantedalltheattentionfor

herself.Shewasasbeautifulasusual,indeedmoreso:shewasintolerablybeautiful.

Shewasdressedtoperfection:Menelaus,herhusband,alwaysmadesureofthat,

andhewasrichasstinksohecouldaffordit.Shetiltedherfacetowardsme,looking

atmewhimsicallyasifshewereflirting.Isuspectsheusedtoflirtwithherdog,

withhermirror,withhercomb,withherbedpost.Sheneededtokeepinpractice.

'IthinkOdysseuswouldmakeaverysuitablehusbandforourlittleduckie,'

shesaid.'Shelikesthequietlife,andshe'llcertainlyhavethatifhetakesherto

Ithaca,ashe'sboastingofdoing.Shecanhelphimlookafterhisgoats.Sheand

Odysseusaretwoofakind.Theybothhavesuchshortlegs.'Shesaidthislightly,

butherlightestsayingswereoftenhercruelest.Whyisitthatreallybeautiful

peoplethinkeveryoneelseintheworldexistsmerelyfortheiramusement?

Themaidssniggered.Iwascrushed.Ihadnotthoughtmylegswerequite

thatshort,andIcertainlyhadn'tthoughtHelenwouldnoticethem.Butnotmuch

escapedherwhenitcametoassessingthephysicalgracesanddefectsofothers.

ThatwaswhatgotherintotroublewithParis,laterhewassomuchbetterlooking

thanMenelaus,whowaslumpishandredhaired.Thebestthatwasclaimedof

Menelaus,oncetheystartedputtinghimintothepoems,wasthathehadaveryloud

voice.

ThemaidsalllookedatmetoseewhatIwouldsay.ButHelenhadawayof

leavingpeoplespeechless,andIwasnoexception.

'Nevermind,littlecousin,'shesaidtome,pattingmeonthearm.'Theysay

he'sveryclever.Andyou'reveryclevertoo,theytellme.Soyou'llbeableto

understandwhathesays.Icertainlynevercould!Itwasluckyforbothofusthathe

didn'twinme!'

Shegavethepatronizingsmirkofsomeonewho'shadfirstchanceataless

thandeliciouspieceofsausagebuthasfastidiouslyrejectedit.Indeed,Odysseus


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14 THEPENELOPIAD

hadbeenamongthesuitorsforherhand,andlikeeveryothermanonearthhe'd

desperatelywantedtowinher.Nowhewascompetingforwhatwasatbestonly

secondprize.

Helenstrolledaway,havingdeliveredhersting.Themaidsbegandiscussinghersplendidnecklace,herscintillatingearrings,herperfectnose,her

eleganthairstyle,herluminouseyes,thetastefullywovenborderofhershining

robe.ItwasasifIwasn'tthere.Anditwasmyweddingday.

Allofthiswasastrainonthenerves.Istartedtocry,asIwoulddosooften

inthefuture,andwastakentoliedownonmybed.

ThusImissedtheraceitselfOdysseuswonit.Hecheated,asIlaterlearned.Myfather'sbrother,UncleTyndareus,fatherofHelenthough,asI've'toldyou,some

saidthatZeuswasherrealfatherhelpedhimtodoit.Hemixedthewineofthe

othercontestantswithadrugthatslowedthemdown,thoughnotsomuchasthey

wouldnotice;toOdysseushegaveapotionthathadtheoppositeeffect.I

understandthatthissortofthinghasbecomeatradition,andisstillpracticedinthe

worldofthelivingwhenitcomestoathleticcontests.

WhydidUncleTyndareushelpmyfuturehusbandinthisway?Theywere

neitherfriendsnorallies.WhatdidTyndareusstandtogain?Myunclewouldnot

havehelpedanyonebelievemesimplyoutofthegoodnessofhisheart,a

commoditythatwasinshortsupply.

OnestoryhasitthatIwasthepaymentforaserviceOdysseushadrendered

toTyndareus.WhentheywereallcompetingforHelenandthingsweregetting

moreandmoreangry,Odysseusmadeeachcontestantswearanoaththatwhoever

wonHelenmustbedefendedbyalloftheothersifanyothermantriedtotakeher

awayfromthewinner.Inthatwayhecalmedthingsdownandallowedthematch

withMenelaustoproceedsmoothly.Hemusthaveknownhehadnohopehimself.It

wasthensotherumorgoesthathestruckthebargainwithTyndareus:inreturn


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THEPENELOPIAD 15

forassuringapeacefulandveryprofitableweddingfortheradiantHelen,Odysseus

wouldgetplainJanePenelope.

ButIhaveanotheridea,andhereitis.Tyndareusandmyfather,Icarius,

werebothkingsofSparta.Theyweresupposedtorulealternately,oneforayearandtheotherthenext,turnandturnabout.ButTyndareuswantedthethronefor

himselfalone,andindeedhelatergotit.Itwouldstandtoreasonthathe'dsounded

outthevarioussuitorsontheirprospectsandtheirplans,andhadlearnedthat

Odysseussharedthenewfangledideathatthewifeshouldgotothehusband's

familyratherthantheotherwayaround.ItwouldsuitTyndareusfineifIcouldbe

sentfaraway,meandanysonsImightbear.Thatwaytherewouldbefewerto

cometotheaidofIcariusintheeventofanopenconflict.

Whateverwasbehindit,Odysseuscheatedandwontherace.IsawHelen

smilingmaliciouslyasshewatchedthemarriagerites.ShethoughtIwasbeing

pawnedoffonanuncouthdoltwhowouldhaulmeofftoadrearybackwater,and

shewasnotdispleased.She'dprobablyknownwellbeforehandthatthefixwasin.

Asforme,Ihadtroublemakingitthroughtheceremonythesacrificesof

animals,theofferingstothegods,thelustralsprinklings,thelibations,theprayers,

theinterminablesongs.Ifeltquitedizzy.Ikeptmyeyesdowncast,soallIcouldseeofOdysseuswasthelowerpartofhisbody.Shortlegs,Ikeptthinking,evenatthemostsolemnmoments.Thiswasnotanappropriatethoughtitwastrivialandsilly,

anditmademewanttogigglebutinmyowndefenseImustpointoutthatIwas

onlyfifteen.


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16 THEPENELOPIAD

THE SCAR

AndsoIwashandedovertoOdysseus,likeapackageofmeat.Apackageofmeatin

awrappingofgold,mindyou.Asortofgildedbloodpudding.

Butperhapsthatistoocrudeasimileforyou.

Letmeaddthatmeatwashighlyvaluedamongusthearistocracyatelotsof

it,meat,meat,meat,andalltheyeverdidwasroastit:ourswasnotanageofhaute

cuisine.Oh,Iforgot:therewasalsobread,flatbreadthatis,bread,bread,bread,and

wine,wine,wine.Wedidhavetheoddfruitorvegetable,butyou'veprobablynever

heardofthesebecausenooneputthemintothesongsmuch.

Thegodswantedmeatasmuchaswedid,butalltheyevergotfromuswas

thebonesandfat,thankstoabitofrudimentarysleightofhandbyPrometheus:

onlyanidiotwouldhavebeendeceivedbyabagofbadcowpartsdisguisedasgood

ones,andZeuswasdeceived;whichgoestoshowthatthegodswerenotalwaysas

intelligentastheywantedustobelieve.

IcansaythisnowbecauseI'mdead.Iwouldn'thavedaredtosayitearlier.

Youcouldnevertellwhenoneofthegodsmightbelistening,disguisedasabeggar

oranoldfriendorastranger.It'struethatIsometimesdoubtedtheirexistence,

thesegods.ButduringmylifetimeIconsidereditprudentnottotakeanyrisks.

Therewaslotsofeverythingatmyweddingfeastgreatglisteninghunksofmeat,

greatwadsoffragrantbread,greatflagonsofmellowwine.Itwasamazingthatthe

guestsdidn'tburstonthespot,theystuffedthemselvessofull.Nothinghelpsglut

tonyalongsowellaseatingfoodyoudon'thavetopayforyourself,asIlearned

fromlaterexperience.

Weatewithourhandsinthosedays.Therewasalotofgnawingandsome

heavydutychewing,butitwasbetterthatwaynosharputensilsthatcouldbe


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THEPENELOPIAD 17

snatchedupandplungedintoafellowguestwhomighthaveannoyedyou.Atany

weddingprecededbyacontesttherewereboundtobeafewsorelosers;butno

unsuccessfulsuitorlosthistemperatmyfeast.Itwasmoreasifthey'dfailedtowin

anauctionforahorse.

Thewinewasmixedtoostrong,sothereweremanyfuddledheads.Evenmy

father,KingIcarius,gotquitedrunk.Hesuspectedhe'dhadatrickplayedonhimby

TyndareusandOdysseus;hewasalmostsurethey'dcheated,buthecouldn'tfigure

outhowthey'ddoneit,andthismadehimangry,andwhenhewasangryhedrank

evenmore,anddroppedinsultingcommentsaboutpeople'sgrandparents.Buthe

wasaking,sotherewerenoduels.

Odysseushimselfdidnotgetdrunk.Hehadawayofappearingtodrinkalotwithoutactuallydoingit.Hetoldmelaterthatifamanlivesbyhiswits,ashedid,he

needstohavethosewitsalwaysathandandkeptsharp,likeaxesorswords.Only

fools,hesaid,weregiventobraggingabouthowmuchtheycoulddrink.Itwas

boundtoleadtoswillingcompetitions,andthentoinattentionandthelossofone's

powers,andthatwouldbewhenyourenemywouldstrike.

Asforme,Icouldn'teatathing.Iwastoonervous.Isatthereshroudedinmy

bridalveil,hardlydaringtoglanceatOdysseus.Iwascertainhewouldbe

disappointedinmeoncehe'dliftedthatveilandmadehiswayinthroughthecloak

andthegirdleandtheshimmeringrobeinwhichI'dbeendeckedout.Buthewasn't

lookingatme,andneitherwasanyoneelse.TheywereallstaringatHelen,whowas

dispensingdazzlingsmilesrightandleft,notmissingasingleman.Shehadawayof

smilingthatmadeeachoneofthemfeelthatsecretlyshewasinlovewithhimalone.

IsupposeitwasluckythatHelenwasdistractingeveryone'sattention,

becauseitkeptthemfromnoticingmeandmytremblingandawkwardness.Iwasn't

justnervous,Iwasreallyafraid.Themaidshadbeenfillingmyearswithtalesabout

howonceIwasinthebridalchamberIwouldbetornapartastheearthisbythe

plough,andhowpainfulandhumiliatingthatwouldbe.


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18 THEPENELOPIAD

Asformymother,she'dstoppedswimmingaroundlikeaporpoiselong

enoughtoattendmywedding,forwhichIwaslessgratefulthanIoughttohave

been.Thereshesatonherthronebesidemyfather,robedincoolblue,asmall

puddlegatheringatherfeet.Shedidmakealittlespeechtomeasthemaidswere

changingmycostumeyetagain,butIdidn'tconsiderittobeahelpfuloneatthe

time.Itwasnothingifnotoblique;butthen,allNaiadsareoblique.

Hereiswhatshesaid:

Waterdoesnotresist.Waterflows.Whenyouplungeyourhandintoit,allyou

feelisacaress.Waterisnotasolidwall,itwillnotstopyou.Butwateralwaysgoes

whereitwantstogo,andnothingintheendcanstandagainstit.Waterispatient.

Drippingwaterwearsawayastone.Rememberthat,mychild.Rememberyouarehalf

water.Ifyoucan'tgothroughanobstacle,goaroundit.Waterdoes.

Aftertheceremoniesandthefeasting,therewastheusualprocessiontothebridal

chamber,withtheusualtorchesandvulgarjokesanddrunkenyelling.Thebedhad

beengarlanded,thethresholdsprinkled,thelibationspoured.Thegatekeeperhad

beenpostedtokeepthebridefromrushingoutinhorror,andtostopherfriends

frombreakingdownthedoorandrescuingherwhentheyheardherscream.Allof

thiswasplayacting:thefictionwasthatthebridehadbeenstolen,andtheconsum

mationofamarriagewassupposedtobeasanctionedrape.Itwassupposedtobea

conquest,atramplingofafoe,amockkilling.Therewassupposedtobeblood.

Oncethedoorhadbeenclosed,Odysseustookmebythehandandsatme

downonthebed.'Forgeteverythingyou'vebeentold,'hewhispered.'I'mnotgoing

tohurtyou,ornotverymuch.Butitwouldhelpusbothifyoucouldpretend.I've

beentoldyou'reaclevergirl.Doyouthinkyoucouldmanageafewscreams?That

willsatisfythemthey'relisteningatthedoorandthenthey'llleaveusinpeaceand

wecantakeourtimetobecomefriends.'

Thiswasoneofhisgreatsecretsasapersuaderhecouldconvinceanotherperson

thatthetwoofthemtogetherfacedacommonobstacle,andthattheyneededtojoinforces

inordertoovercomeit.Hecoulddrawalmostanylistenerintoacollaboration,alittle


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THEPENELOPIAD 19

conspiracyofhisownmaking.Nobodycoulddothisbetterthanhe:foronce,thestories

don'tlie.Andhehadawonderfulvoiceaswell,deepandsonorous.SoofcourseIdidashe

asked.

SomewhatlaterIfoundthatOdysseuswasnotoneofthosemenwho,aftertheact,

simplyrolloverandbegintosnore.NotthatIamawareofthiscommonmalehabit

throughmyownexperience;butasI'vesaid,Ilistenedalottothemaids.No,

Odysseuswantedtotalk,andashewasanexcellentraconteurIwashappyto

listen.Ithinkthisiswhathevaluedmostinme:myabilitytoappreciatehisstories.

It'sanunderratedtalentinwomen.

I'dhadoccasiontonoticethelongscaronhisthigh,andsoheproceededto

tellmethestoryofhowhegotit.AsI'vealreadymentioned,hisgrandfatherwas

Autolycus,whoclaimedthegodHermeswashisfather.Thatmayhavebeenawayof

sayingthathewasacraftyoldthief,cheat,andliar,andthatluckhadfavoredhimin

thesekindsofactivities.

AutolycuswasthefatherofOdysseus'smother,Anticleia,who'dmarried

KingLaertesofIthacaandwasthereforenowmymotherinlaw.Therewasa

slanderousitemgoingaroundaboutAnticleiathatshe'dbeenseducedby

Sisyphus,whowasthetruefatherofOdysseusbutIfounditdifficulttobelieve,as

whowouldwanttoseduceAnticleia?Itwouldbelikeseducingaprow.Butletthe

talestand,forthemoment.

SisyphuswasamansotrickyhewassaidtohavecheatedDeathtwice:once

byfoolingKingHadesintoputtingonhandcuffsthatSisyphusrefusedtounlock,

oncebytalkingPersephoneintolettinghimoutoftheunderworldbecausehe

hadn'tbeenproperlyburied,andthusdidn'tbelongonthedeadsideoftheRiver

Styx.SoifweadmittherumoraboutAnticleia'sinfidelity,Odysseushadcraftyand

unscrupulousmenontwoofthemainbranchesofhisfamilytree.

Whateverthetruthofthis,hisgrandfatherAutolycuswho'dnamedhim

invitedOdysseustoMountParnassustocollectthegiftspromisedhimathisbirth.

Odysseusdidpaythevisit,duringwhichhewentboarhuntingwiththesonsof


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20 THEPENELOPIAD

Autolycus.Itwasaparticularlyferociousboarthathadgoredhiminthethighand

givenhimthescar.

TherewassomethinginthewayOdysseustoldthestorythatmademe

suspecttherewasmoretoit.WhyhadtheboarsavagedOdysseus,butnottheothers?Hadtheyknownwheretheboarwashidingout,hadtheyledhimintoa

trap?WasOdysseusmeanttodiesothatAutolycusthecheatwouldn'thavetohand

overthegiftsheowed?Perhaps.

Ilikedtothinkso.IlikedtothinkIhadsomethingincommonwithmy

husband:bothofushadalmostbeendestroyedinouryouthbyfamilymembers.All

themorereasonthatweshouldsticktogetherandnotbetooquicktotrustothers.

Inreturnforhisstoryaboutthescar,ItoldOdysseusmyownstoryabout

almostdrowningandbeingrescuedbyducks.Hewasinterestedinit,andaskedme

questionsaboutit,andwassympatheticeverythingyouwouldwishalistenerto

be.'Mypoorduckling,'hesaid,strokingme.'Don'tworry.Iwouldneverthrowsuch

apreciousgirlintotheocean.'AtwhichpointIdidsomemoreweeping,andwas

comfortedinwaysthatweresuitableforaweddingnight.

Sobythetimethemorningcame,OdysseusandIwereindeedfriends,as

Odysseushadpromisedwewouldbe.Orletmeputitanotherway:Imyselfhad

developedfriendlyfeelingstowardshimmorethanthat,lovingandpassionate

onesandhebehavedasifhereciprocatedthem.Whichisnotquitethesamething.

Aftersomedayshadpassed,Odysseusannouncedhisintentionoftakingme

andmydowrybackwithhimtoIthaca.Myfatherwasannoyedbythishewanted

theoldcustomskept,hesaid,whichmeantthathewantedbothofusandournewly

gainedwealthrightthereunderhisthumb.ButwehadthesupportofUncle

Tyndareus,whosesoninlawwasHelen'shusband,thepowerfulMenelaus,so

Icariushadtobackdown.

You'veprobablyheardthatmyfatherranafterourdepartingchariot,

beggingmetostaywithhim,andthatOdysseusaskedmeifIwasgoingtoIthaca

withhimofmyownfreewillordidIprefertoremainwithmyfather?It'ssaidthat


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THEPENELOPIAD 21

inanswerIpulleddownmyveil,beingtoomodesttoproclaiminwordsmydesire

formyhusband,andthatastatuewaslatererectedofmeintributetothevirtueof

Modesty.

There'ssometruthtothisstory.ButIpulleddownmyveiltohidethefactthatIwaslaughing.Youhavetoadmittherewassomethinghumorousabouta

fatherwho'doncetossedhisownchildintotheseacaperingdowntheroadafter

thatverychildandcalling,'Staywithme!'

Ididn'tfeellikestaying.Atthatmoment,Icouldhardlywaittogetawayfrom

theSpartancourt.Ihadn'tbeenveryhappythere,andIlongedtobeginanewlife.

(Fromthispointinthetext,PenelopedescribesherjourneytoIthaka,thebirthofherson

Telemachus,thestartoftheTrojanwar(HelenRuinsMyLife),theyearsofwaiting,the

arrivalofthesuitors,andhertrickofweavingtheshroudforLaertes.Thisnextchapter

dealswithadream,sentbyAthena,inwhichhersisterIphthimetellsPenelopethat

TelemachuswillreturnsafelyfromhisjourneytoPylosandSparta.)


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22 THEPENELOPIAD

BADDREAMS

Nowbegantheworstperiodofmyordeal.IcriedsomuchIthoughtIwouldturn

intoariverorafountain,asintheoldtales.NomatterhowmuchIprayedand

offeredupsacrificesandwatchedforomens,myhusbandstilldidn'treturn.Toadd

tomymisery,Telemachuswasnowofanagetostartorderingmearound.I'drun

thepalaceaffairsalmostsinglehandedlyfortwentyyears,butnowhewantedto

asser!hisauthorityasthesonofOdysseusandtakeoverthereins.Hestarted

makingscenesinthehall,standinguptotheSuitorsinarashwaythatIwascertain

wasgoingtogethimkilled.Hewasboundtoembarkonsomefoolhardyadventure

orother,asyoungmenwill.

Sureenough,hesnuckoffinashiptogochasingaroundlookingfornewsof

hisfather,withoutevensomuchasconsultingme.Itwasaterribleinsult,butI

couldn'tdwellonthatpartofit,becausemyfavoritemaidsbroughtmethenews

thattheSuitors,havinglearnedofmyson'sdaringescapade,weresendingashipof

theirowntolieinwaitforhimandambushhimandkillhimonhisreturnvoyage.

It'struethattheheraldMedonrevealedthisplottomeaswell,justasthe

songsrelate.ButIalreadyknewaboutitfromthemaids.Ihadtoappeartobe

surprised,however,becauseotherwiseMedonwhowasneitherononesidenor

theotherwouldhaveknownIhadmyownsourcesofinformation.

Well,naturally,Istaggeredaroundandfellontothethresholdandcriedand

wailed,andallofmymaidsmytwelvefavorites,andtherestofthemjoinedinmylamentations.Ireproachedthemallfornothavingtoldmeofmyson's

departure,andfornotstoppinghim,untilthatinterferingoldbiddyEurycleia

confessedthatshealonehadaidedandabettedhim.Theonlyreasonthetwoof

themhadn'ttoldme,shesaid,wasthattheyhadn'twantedmetofret.Butallwould

comeoutfineintheend,sheadded,becausethegodswerejust.


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THEPENELOPIAD 23

IrefrainedfromsayingI'dseenscantevidenceofthatsofar.

Whenthingsgettoodismal,andafterI'vedoneasmuchweepingaspossible

withoutturningmyselfintoapond,Ihavealwaysfortunatelybeenabletogoto

sleep.AndwhenIsleep,Idream.Ihadawholerunofdreamsthatnight,dreams

thathavenotbeenrecorded,forInevertoldthemtoalivingsoul.Inone,Odysseus

washavinghisheadbashedinandhisbrainseatenbytheCyclops;inanother,he

wasleapingintothewaterfromhisshipandswimmingtowardstheSirens,who

weresingingwithravishingsweetness,justlikemymaids,butwerealready

stretchingouttheirbirds'clawstotearhimapart;inyetanother,hewasmaking

lovewithabeautifulgoddess,andenjoyingitverymuch.Thenthegoddessturned

intoHelen;shewaslookingatmeoverthebareshoulderofmyhusbandwitha

maliciouslittlesmirk.Thislastwassuchanightmarethatitwokemeup,andI

prayedthatitwasafalsedreamsentfromthecaveofMorpheusthroughthegateof

ivory,notatrueonesentthroughthegateofhorn.

Iwentbacktosleep,andatlastmanagedacomfortingdream.ThisoneIdid

relate;perhapsyouhaveheardofit.MysisterIphthimewhowassomucholder

thanIwasthatIhardlyknewher,andwhohadmarriedandmovedfarawaycame

intomyroomandstoodbymybed,andtoldmeshehadbeensentbyAthena

herself,becausethegodsdidn'twantmetosuffer.Hermessagewasthat

Telemachuswouldreturnsafely.

ButwhenIquestionedheraboutOdysseuswashealiveordead?she

refusedtoanswer,andslippedaway.

Somuchforthegodsnotwantingmetosuffer.Theyalltease.Imightaswell

havebeenastraydog,peltedwithstonesorwithitstailsetalightfortheiramusement.Notthefatandbonesofanimals,butoursuffering,iswhattheyloveto

savor.


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24 THEPENELOPIAD

(PenelopesoonhearsnewsfromTelemachusabouthisjourneytoSpartaandhis

meetingwithHelen.Then,inthenextchapter,Odysseushimselffinallyreturns)

YELPOFJOY

Whoistosaythatprayershaveanyeffect?Ontheotherhand,whoistosaythey

don't?Ipicturethegods,diddlingaroundonOlympus,wallowinginthenectarand

ambrosiaandthearomaofburningbonesandfat,mischievousasapackoften

yearoldswithasickcattoplaywithandalotoftimeontheirhands.'Whichprayer

shallweanswertoday?'theyaskoneanother.'Let'scastdice!Hopeforthisone,

despairforthatone,andwhilewe'reatit,let'sdestroythelifeofthatwomanover

therebyhavingsexwithherintheformofacrayfish!'Ithinktheypullalotoftheir

pranksbecausethey'rebored.

Twentyyearsofmyprayershadgoneunanswered.But,finally,notthisone.

NosoonerhadIperformedthefamiliarritualandshedthefamiliartearsthan

Odysseushimselfshambledintothecourtyard.

Theshamblingwaspartofadisguise,naturally.Iwouldhaveexpectedno

lessofhim.Evidentlyhe'dappraisedthesituationinthepalacetheSuitors,their

wastingofhisestates,theirmurderousintentionstowardsTelemachus,theirappro

priationofthesexualservicesofhismaids,andtheirintendedwifegraband

wiselyconcludedthatheshouldn'tsimplymarchinandannouncethathewas

Odysseus,andorderthemtovacatethepremises.Ifhe'dtriedthathe'dhavebeena

deadmanwithinminutes.

Sohewasdressedasadirtyoldbeggar.Hecouldcountonthefactthatmost

oftheSuitorshadnoideawhathelookedlike,havingbeentooyoungornoteven

bornwhenhe'dsailedaway.HisdisguisewaswellenoughdoneIhopedthe

wrinklesandbaldnesswerepartoftheact,andnotreal butassoonasIsawthat


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26 THEPENELOPIAD

end,onewayoranother,totheintolerablesituationinwhichIfoundmyselfWhat

didhethinkofthatplan?

Hesaiditwasanexcellentidea.

ThesongsclaimthatthearrivalofOdysseusandmydecisiontosetthetestof

thebowandaxescoincidedbyaccidentorbydivineplan,whichwasourwayof

puttingitthen.Nowyou'veheardtheplaintruth.IknewthatonlyOdysseuswould

beabletoperformthisarcherytrick.IknewthatthebeggarwasOdysseus.There

wasnocoincidence.Isetthewholethinguponpurpose.

Growingconfidentialwiththepurportedseedytramp,Ithenrelatedadream

ofmine.Itconcernedmyflockoflovelywhitegeese,geeseofwhichIwasveryfond.

Idreamtthattheywerehappilypeckingaroundtheyardwhenahugeeaglewitha

crookedbeakswoopeddownandkilledthemall,whereuponIweptandwept.

Odysseusthebeggarinterpretedthisdreamforme:theeaglewasmy

husband,thegeeseweretheSuitors,andtheonewouldshortlyslaytheothers.He

saidnothingaboutthecrookedbeakoftheeagle,ormyloveforthegeeseandmy

anguishattheirdeaths.

Intheevent,Odysseuswaswrongaboutthedream.Hewasindeedtheeagle,

butthegeesewerenottheSuitors.Thegeeseweremytwelvemaids,asIwassoon

tolearntomyunendingsorrow.

There'sadetailtheymakemuchofinthesongs.Iorderedthemaidstowashthe

feetofOdysseusthemendicant,andherefused,sayinghecouldonlyallowhisfeet

tobewashedbyonewhowouldnotderidehimforbeinggnarledandpoor.Ithen

proposedoldEurycleiaforthetask,awomanwhosefeetwereaslackingin

aestheticvalueashisown.Grumbling,shesettowork,notsuspectingthebooby

trapI'dplacedreadyforher.Soonshefoundthelongscarfamiliartoherfromthe

many,manytimesshe'dperformedthesameserviceforOdysseus.Atthispointshe

letoutayelpofjoyandupsetthebasinofwateralloverthefloor,andOdysseus

almostthrottledhertokeepherfromgivinghimaway.


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THEPENELOPIAD 27

ThesongssayIdidn'tnoticeathingbecauseAthenahaddistractedme.Ifyou

believethat,you'llbelieveallsortsofnonsense.InrealityI'dturnedmybackonthe

twoofthemtohidemysilentlaughteratthesuccessofmylittlesurprise.

(Penelopenextrefutessomeoftheslanderousgossipthathasbeenspreadabout

heroverthelastseveralthousandyears;thensheandHelenhaveaconversationabout

howmanymenwerekilledoverthetwoofthem.Inthenextchapter,shedescribesthe

deathofhermaids.)


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28 THEPENELOPIAD

ODYSSEUS ANDTELEMACHUS SNUFF THE MAIDS

Isleptthroughthemayhem.HowcouldIhavedonesuchathing?Isuspect

Eurycleiaputsomethinginthecomfortingdrinkshegaveme,tokeepmeoutofthe

actionandstopmefrominterfering.NotthatIwouldhavebeenintheaction

anyway:Odysseusmadesureallthewomenwerelockedsecurelyintothewomen's

quarter.

Eurycleiadescribedthewholethingtome,andtoanyoneelsewhowould

listen.First,shesaid,Odysseusstillintheguiseofabeggarwatchedwhile

Telemachussetupthetwelveaxes,andthenwhiletheSuitorsfailedtostringhis

famousbow.Thenhegotholdofthebowhimself,andafterstringingitand

shootinganarrowthroughthetwelveaxesthuswinningmeashisbridefora

secondtimeheshotAntinousinthethroat,threwoffhisdisguise,andmade

mincemeatofeverylastoneoftheSuitors,firstwitharrows,thenwithspearsand

swords.Telemachusandtwofaithfulherdsmenhelpedhim;neverthelessitwasa

considerablefeat.TheSuitorshadafewspearsandswords,suppliedtothemby

Melanthius,atreacherousgoatherd,butnoneofthishardwarewasofanyhelpto

themintheend.

Eurycleiatoldmehowsheandtheotherwomenhadcowerednearthe

lockeddoor,listeningtotheshoutsandthesoundsofbreakingfurniture,andthe

groansofthedying.Shethendescribedthehorrorthathappenednext.

Odysseussummonedher,andorderedhertopointoutthemaidswhohad

been,ashecalledit,'disloyal'.Heforcedthegirlstohaulthedeadbodiesofthe

Suitorsoutintothecourtyardincludingthebodiesoftheirerstwhileloversand


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THEPENELOPIAD 29

towashthebrainsandgoreoffthefloor,andtocleanwhateverchairsandtables

remainedintact.

ThenEurycleiacontinuedhetoldTelemachustochopthemaidsinto

pieceswithhissword.Butmyson,wantingtoasserthimselftohisfather,andtoshowthatheknewbetterhewasatthatagehangedthemallinarowfroma

ship'shawser.

Rightafterthat,saidEurycleiawhocouldnotdisguisehergloatingpleasure

OdysseusandTelemachushackedofftheearsandnoseandhandsandfeetand

genitalsofMelanthiustheevilgoatherdandthrewthemtothedogs,payingno

attentiontothepoorman'sagonizedscreams.'Theyhadtomakeanexampleof

him,'saidEurycleia,'todiscourageanyfurtherdefections.'

'Butwhichmaids?'Icried,beginningtoshedtears.'Dear,godswhichmaids

didtheyhang?'

'Mistress,dearchild,'saidEurycleia,anticipatingmydispleasure,'hewanted

tokillthemall!Ihadtochoosesomeotherwiseallwouldhaveperished!'

'Whichones?'Isaid,tryingtocontrolmyemotions.

'Onlytwelve,'shefaltered.'Theimpertinentones.Theoneswho'dbeenrude.Theoneswhousedtothumbtheirnosesatme.MelanthoofthePrettyCheeksand

hercroniesthatlot.Theywerenotoriouswhores.'

'Theoneswho'dbeenraped,'Isaid.'Theyoungest.Themostbeautiful.'My

eyesandearsamongtheSuitors,Ididnotadd.Myhelpersduringthelongnightsof

theshroud.Mysnowwhitegeese.Mythrushes,mydoves.

Itwasmyfault!Ihadn'ttoldherofmyscheme.'Theyletitgototheirheads,'

saidEurycleiadefensively.'Itwouldn'thavedoneforKingOdysseustoallowsuch

impertinentgirlstocontinuetoserveinthepalace.Hecouldneverhavetrusted

them.Nowcomedownstairs,dearchild.Yourhusbandiswaitingtoseeyou.'


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30 THEPENELOPIAD

WhatcouldIdo?Lamentationwouldn'tbringmylovelygirlsbacktolife.I

bitmytongue.It'sawonderIhadanytongueleft,sofrequentlyhadIbittenitover

theyears.

Deadisdead,Itoldmyself.Illsayprayersandperformsacrificesfortheir

souls.ButIllhavetodoitinsecret,orOdysseuswillsuspectme,aswell.

Therecouldbeamoresinisterexplanation.WhatifEurycleiawasawareofmy

agreementwiththemaidsoftheirspyingontheSuitorsforme,ofmyordersto

themtobehaverebelliously?Whatifshesingledthemoutandhadthemkilledout

ofresentmentatbeingexcludedandthedesiretoretainherinsidepositionwith

Odysseus?

Ihaven'tbeenabletoconfrontheraboutit,downhere.She'sgotholdofa

dozendeadbabies,andisalwaysbusytendingthem.Happilyforhertheywillnever

growup.WheneverIapproachandtrytoengageherinconversationshesays,

'Later,mychild.Graciousme,I'vegotmyhandsfull!Lookattheittyprettya

wugglewugglewoo!'

SoIllneverknow.


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THEPENELOPIAD 31

HEARTOFFLINT

Idescendedthestaircase,consideringmychoices.IdpretendednottobelieveEurycleiawhenshetoldmethatitwasOdysseuswho'dkilledtheSuitors.Perhaps

thismanwasanimposter,IdsaidhowwouldIknowwhatOdysseuslookedlike

now,aftertwentyyears?IwasalsowonderinghowImustseemtohim.Idbeenveryyoungwhenhe'dsailedaway;nowIwasamatron.Howcouldhefailtobe

disappointed?

Idecidedtomakehimwait:Imyselfhadwaitedlongenough.AlsoIwouldneedtimeinordertofullydisguisemytruefeelingsabouttheunfortunatehanging

ofmytwelveyoungmaids.

SowhenIenteredthehallandsawhimsittingthere,Ididn'tsayathing.Telemachuswastednotime:almostimmediatelyhewasscoldingmefornotgiving

awarmerwelcometohisfather.Flintyhearted,hecalledmescornfully.Icouldsee

hehadarosylittlepictureinhismind:thetwoofthemsidingagainstme,grown

mentogether,tworoostersinchargeofthehenhouse.OfcourseIwantedthebest

forhimhewasmyson,Ihopedhewouldsucceed,asapoliticalleaderorawarrior

orwhateverhewantedtobebutatthatmomentIwishedtherewouldbeanother

TrojanWarsoIcouldsendhimofftoitandgethimoutofmyhair.Boyswiththeir

firstbeardscanbeathoroughpainintheneck.

ThehardnessofmyheartwasanotionIwasgladtofoster,however,asit

wouldreassureOdysseustoknowIhadn'tbeenthrowingmyselfintothearmsof

everymanwhodturnedupclaimingtobehim.SoIlookedathimblankly,andsaid

itwastoomuchformetoswallow,theideathatthisdirty,bloodsmearedvagabond

wasthesameasmyfinehusbandwhohadsailedaway,sobeautifullydressed,

twentyyearsbefore.


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32 THEPENELOPIAD

Odysseusgrinnedhewaslookingforwardtothebigrevelationscene,the

partwhereIwouldsay,Itwasyouallalong!Whataterrificdisguise!'andthrowmy

armsaroundhisneck.Thenhewentofftotakeamuchneededbath.Whenhecame

backincleanclothes,smellingagooddealbetterthanwhenhe'dgone,Icouldn't

resistteasinghimonelasttime.IorderedEurycleiatomovethebedoutsidethe

bedroomofOdysseus,andtomakeitupforthestranger.

You'llrecallthatonepostofthisbedwascarvedfromatreestillrootedin

theground.NobodyknewaboutitexceptOdysseus,myself,andmymaidActoris,

fromSparta,whobythattimewaslongdead.

Assumingthatsomeonehadcutthroughhischerishedbedpost,Odysseus

losthistemperatonce.OnlythendidIrelent,andgothroughthebusinessofrecognizinghim.Ishedasatisfactorynumberoftears,andembracedhim,and

claimedthathe'dpassedthebedposttest,andthatIwasnowconvinced.

Andsoweclimbedintotheverysamebedwherewe'dspentagreatmanyhappy

hourswhenwewerefirstmarried,beforeHelentookitintoherheadtorunoffwith

Paris,lightingthefiresofwarandbringingdesolationtomyhouse.Iwasgladit

wasdarkbythen,asintheshadowswebothappearedlesswizenedthanwewere.

'We'renotspringchickensanymore,'Isaid.

'Thatwhichweare,weare,'saidOdysseus.

Afteralittletimehadpassedandwewerefeelingpleasedwitheachother,

wetookupouroldhabitsofstorytelling.Odysseustoldmeofallhistravelsand

difficultiesthenoblerversions,withthemonstersandthegoddesses,ratherthan

themoresordidoneswiththeinnkeepersandwhores.Herecountedthemanylies

he'dinvented,thefalsenameshe'dgivenhimselftellingtheCyclopshisnamewas

NoOnewasthecleverestofsuchtricks,thoughhe'dspoileditbyboastingandthe

fraudulentlifehistorieshe'dconcoctedforhimself,thebettertoconcealhisidentity

andhisintentions.Inmyturn,IrelatedthetaleoftheSuitors,andmytrickwiththe

shroudofLaertes,andmydeceitfulencouragingsoftheSuitors,andtheskilfulways


33/33

THEPENELOPIAD 33

inwhichI'dmisdirectedthemandledthemonandplayedthemoffagainstone

another.

Thenhetoldmehowmuchhe'dmissedme,andhowhe'dbeenfilledwith

longingformeevenwhenenfoldedinthewhitearmsofgoddesses;andItoldhimhowverymanytearsI'dshedwhilewaitingtwentyyearsforhisreturn,andhow

tediouslyfaithfulI'dbeen,andhowIwouldneverhaveevensomuchasthoughtof

betrayinghisgiganticbedwithitswondrousbedpostbysleepinginitwithany

otherman.

Thetwoofuswerebyourownadmissionproficientandshamelessliarsof

longstanding.It'sawondereitheroneofusbelievedawordtheothersaid.

Butwedid.

Orsowetoldeachother.

NosoonerhadOdysseusreturnedthanheleftagain.Hesaidthat,muchashehated

totearhimselfawayfromme,he'dhavetogoadventuringagain.He'dbeentoldby

thespiritoftheseerTeiresiasthathewouldhavetopurifyhimselfbycarryingan

oarsofarinlandthatthepeopletherewouldmistakeitforawinnowingfan.Onlyin

thatwaycouldherinsethebloodoftheSuitorsfromhimself,avoidtheirvengeful

ghostsandtheirvengefulrelatives,andpacifytheangeroftheseagodPoseidon,

whowasstillfuriouswithhimforblindinghissontheCyclops.

It.wasalikelystory.Butthen,allofhisstorieswerelikely.

(TheentiremanuscriptofthistextisavailablefromAmazon.com,aswellasfromvarious

otherbooksellers.)

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Margaret Atwood - Penelopiad