MR. TORGO'S NEIGHBORHOOD

EPISODE 103

TORGO WRITES A BOOK

setting: TORGO's house.

/o..,yvt_·)TORGO: (with paper and crayons) Hello friends. I am writing a

book. Have you ever read a book? I did once and I thoughtit might be fun to write one. Timmy, will you proofread mybook?

TIMMY: I'd be thrilled out of my mind(reading manuscript) Hm. Hmmmm.Interesting. (sets script down) .that you spelled "vector" with two

for the honor, Mr. Torgo.Uh huh. Ummm. Hm.Looks swell to me exceptr's on page 273, boss.

TORGO: Thank you, Timmy. My book is called Nuclear PhysicsMade Easy. I like to write books.

TIMMY: Are you going to have it published? It's a really greatbook. The world should see it.

TORGO: OK I'll find a pu~sher. (cut to TORGO's house withanother person in it)~This is a publisher. I found him.(to PUBLISHER) Will YJ u publish my book?

~PUBL: Maybe. I'll have to see it first. What's it about?

TORGO: It's called Nuclear Physics Made Easy.

PUBL: No offense, but it doesn't sound very exciting.

TIMMY: You just don't know what exciting is, Mr. Publisher man.

TORGO: You'll have to excuse Timmy, he's a little defensive.

TIMMY: I am not ...

TORGO: Please shut up, Timmy.

PUBL: Um, I'll just go read this manuscript and get back to~Mr., what was it, Torgo? ~

?~PUBLISHER)

TORGO: I am very exicted.

TIMMY: Why don't we L read a story to the kids at homewhile we wait for the nice publisher to call.

TORGO: That's not a bad idea.

TIMMY:

TORGO:

I'm honored you think so, sir.

Let's read this book.

~ (insert story)-i '''<00 Y

Did you like that? I think I did. (door knock) Come in.

SPEEDY: I have a telegram for you, Torgo.

TORGO: Thank you. It says that the publisher liked my book andhe's working on publishing it now. He liked my book!

SPEEDY: Congratulations. I have to go now.

(exit SPEEDY, enter WACKY)

~WACKY: Yoo hoo! Who liked who's book?

TORGO: The publisher liked my book.

(enter FROTHY)

FROTHY: Your book as in one you wrote or as in one you owned?

TIMMY: He wrote it and the publisher is going to publish it.

FROTHY:

TORGO:

Congratulations! Who did you dedicate it to?

The master, but I mentioned all of you.

WACKY: Wow. What's it about?

TORGO: It's called Nuclear Physics Made Easy.

FROTHY: That's really great, but not an excuse to wake me up.

(exi t FROTHY)

WACKY: I have to go tell/

(exit WACKY)$4;;'

TORGO: Oh no. I am so exicted I myself. Watch acommercial while I change my pants.

(insert commercial) 4;~;.t . ';

~----

~c;;- I changed my pants now. (telephone ringing)telephone. I will find it.

Oh, that is my

TIMMY: Look in your pocket, sir.

TORGO: Oh there it is. Hello. Hi Mr. Publisher. Thank youfor calling. (hang up phone) That was the publisher. Hesaid my book is in the New York Times bestseller list, and anewspaper lady will be here soon to interview me.

TIMMY: That's great.

TORGO: I will wear my good tie for the newspaper lady (puts tieon)

TIMMY: I'm very proud of you boss. (door knocking) Now wipeyour face and let the newspaper lady in.

5~-;TTORGO: Come in newspaper lady!

JANE: Hello, my name is Jane Smith, are you a Mr. Torgo?

TORGO: Yes I am.

JANE: Are you the Torgo that wrote Nuclear Physics Made Easy?

TORGO: Yes I am.

JANE: OK, then I'm here to ask you some questions. Where wereyou born?

TORGO: South. My father lost his job with the master, and sowe just started walking on 135 and kept going until itstopped. We ended here.

JANE: Why did your father lose his job?

TORGO: Because the ma$ter didn't approve.

JANE: Oh. Um, what was your childhood like? Were you a goodstudent?

TORGO: I got straight A's but I wasn't very popular.

JANE: What would have made you unpopular?

TORGO: I don't know. Maybe the animal sacrifices.

JANE: Oh. Your book is really great. I read it and Iunderstand nuclear physics for the first time. How did youlearn to express yourself on paper so well?

TORGO: I don't know. I just thought it might be fun to write abook.

JANE: Did you have any formal education?

TORGO: Last week I got degrees in Physics and pet grooming.

JANE: Who was your greatest influence?

TORGO: The master.

JANE: Who is the master? Where does he live?

--r--nLe"~~'l?ea-:l:+'ir-Irre"e-ffiin-~~:H:i~ eI have to feed my fish. (usual)

TORGO: He is the great one.was away a lot. Excuse me.

s~t JANE: with the money you got from your book, will you move outof this cardboard box?

TORGO: Money?

JANE: Yes, over a million copies of your book have sold. Youmust have some money.

TORGO: I must have forgotten to ask for money.

TIMMY: You WHAT!?

TORGO: I got a free copy of my book and a 10 dollar coupon atthe book store.

JANE: So you don't plan to change your lifestyle at all?

TORGO: No. Have you met my friend, Timmy?

JANE: (tentatively) No. Where is he?

TORGO: On the table. The robot.

JANE: Wow. Where did you learn robotics?

TORGO: It's just one of those things I picked up on the street.That and fleas.

JANE: Thank you for your time Torgo. I have to leave, but thisshould make an interesting story.

(exit JANE)

.~q --~O: She was nice.

TIMMY: I couldn't agree more.

TORGO: But she was a little weird.

TIMMY: That I also agree most heartily on. She was quiteweird. Let's watch the magic movie, boss.

TORGO: Great idea.

(insert magic movie)(back to TORGO)(enter FROTHY)

~1C5F~: Torgo! I just read your book. It changed my life.Excuse me, I have to go read it again and highlight the goodparts.

TORGO: I was happy to write it.

(exit FROTHY, enter WACKY)~., ---

ft WACKY: I'm sorry for everything I've ever said about you behindyour back. Your book has changed my life. Will youautograph my copy?

TORGO: OK. (signs with crayon and hands back)

WACKY: Thank you so much!

(exi t WACKY)

S~J""TIMMY" H b I Y' 1 Iey, oss. ou re popu ar now.

TORGO: Yes I am. And just think, I was lonely and isolatedlast week. Now I feel so good I don't want to end the show.Will you do it for me?

TIMMY: I sure will. Write to us at (fill in address), Goodbyefriends.

storytime 103 "Carl's Cadaver Lab of Fun"

TORGO: This story is called "Carl's Cadaver Lab of Fun." I willread it now.

This is Carl. Carl's mommy and daddy worked in a college.They knew a lot of things. They taught things to the kids at thecollege. Carl's favorite place to go in the college was thecadaver lab. This was where the kids in college went to learnabout human bodies if they wanted to be doctors. Carl wanted tobe a doctor someday. He liked to play in the cadaver lab.Carl's parents became worried that Carl spent too much time inthe cadaver lab, so they sent him to a special kind of doctorcalled a psychiatrist. Carl's psychiatrist was named Dr. Fred.Dr. Fred asked Carl questions about the cadaver lab. Dr. Fredsent Carl to a special hospital where Carl lived in a room withsoft walls and went to school in the hospital. After a while,the psychiatrists decided that Carl didn't need to be in thehospital anymore. Carl left the hospital and decided to become adoctor, so do you know where Carl went? He went to the cadaverlab!

commercial 103 "Sleepy Suckers"

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TEENAGER: My babysitting jobs have never been easier. I Justbring a handful of "Sleepy Suckers," and the kids are quietall evening. I don't have to do a thing.

CHILD: I love "Sleepy Suckers." Especially strawberry ...(CHILD falls over unconscience)

WOMAN: So buy Sleepy Suckers, for your kids and for yoursanity.

(product shot with drooling kid)

magic movie 103 "When you meet a celebrity"

HOST: Have you ever met a celebrity and made a complete fool ofyourself? Almost everyone has or will, like this person:

(person babbling and stuttering at a celebrity)

And this person:

(person bowing and kissing the feet of a celebrity)

People like these are the reason celebrities becomereclusive weirdos. That's why I'm here to teach yu properetiquitte for meeting famous people. Lesson one: ake sureit's a celebrity. The most common way of doing this is byasking the celebrity something like, "Where do I recognizeyou from?" Do not bring up roles they've played that theymay be embarrassed of. Here's an example. The celebrity isbeing played by Matt Olson, TV's Torgo. The fan is beingplayed by (?)

(2 men in a hallway)

FAN: Hey! You're the guy from TV! That Torgo fellow! Iremember when you were in that soap commercial when youshowed your butt to the camera!

MATT: That wasn't me. I'm not Torgo.

FAN: Oh.

(back to HOST)

HOST: See, didn't he look stupid? Now the right way.

(same men)

FAN: I feel like I've met you or something. Have you ever beenon TV?

MATT: Yes. I played Torgo for a few years.

FAN: Oh yes. I liked that show. You were good. You're a lotless freaky in real life.

(cut to HOST)

HOST: You can see the diffrence. Now, on to lesson two: How toaddress a celebrity. First, use Mr. or Ms. and the actor's

last name. Avoid first names and never use a charactername. A few examples:

(2 men again)

FAN: Wow! You're Torgo!

MATT: No, I'm Matt Olson.

(HOST again)

HOST: That was wrong. Now let's see the right way.

(back to men)

FAN: It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Olson.

MATT: And it's a pleasure to meet you too.

(back to HOST)

HOST: The next and final rule is to chose the proper time andplace to ask for an autograph. First, the wrong way:

(same 2 men in a bathroom at urinals)

FAN: Wow, it's a pleasure to meet you. I love your show. CanI have your autograph?

MATT: It's really not a good time.

(cut to HOST)

HOST: That was a bad place for an autograph. Watch further.

(cut to men in elevator)

FAN: Hey! Can I have your autograph?

MATT: No problem. What's your name?

(cut to HOST)

HOST: Remember the basic rules of celebrity conversation, andyou'll never look like a stupid dolt. (man walks by) Hey!You're Sparky from the hit TV show "City of Phlegm"! Can Ihave your autograph?