AlsointheMadeEasyseries

TheAkashicRecords

AnimalCommunication

Astrology

Chakras

ConnectingwiththeAngels

ConnectingwiththeFairies

Crystals

DiscoveringYourPastLives

EnergyHealing

FengShui

GoddessWisdom

LucidDreaming

Meditation

Mediumship

Mindfulness

Numerology

Qabalah

Reiki

Self-Hypnosis

Shamanism

Tantra

Tarot

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Dedicatedtoeveryonewhohassoughtandhopedforchangeinthemselvesandothers.Everythingcomesfromnothingmorethanthethoughtofwhatmightbepossible.It’sasimplesparkofmagicthatstartsfromwithin,butitcanchange

theworld.

Contents

Listofexercises

Acknowledgements

Introduction:Acatalystforchange

PARTI:THEFOUNDATIONSOFNLP

Chapter1:NLPataglance

Chapter2:Themind:Abrowser,notaharddrive

Chapter3:Making‘sense’ofNLP

Chapter4:Fromawarenesstochange

PARTII:THETECHNIQUESOFNLP

Chapter5:Matching,mirroring,pacing,leadingand…commanding!

Chapter6:It’stimeforachange

Chapter7:Anchoringstates

Chapter8:Metamodel–deletions

Chapter9:Metamodel–generalizationpatterns

Chapter10:Metamodel–distortions

Conclusion:Knowingwhattochange

References

Resources

Index

Abouttheauthor

JointheHayHouseFamily

Listofexercises

Playwithvisualcues

Furtherexploringvisualcues

Completingasubmodalitieschecklist

Definingyourrepresentationsystem

Yourleadrepresentationalsystem

Reallylistentolanguageliterally

Listenforvisualreferences

Turningdownyourinternalvolume

Playwithyoursubmodalities

Buildingrapport

Pacingandleading

Visualtimeline:Thetechnique

UsinganNLPtimeline

Usingtheswishpattern

Partsintegrationtechnique

Setananchor

Acknowledgements

Thereareagreatmanypeoplewhomakeabookpossible.Someyou’dexpectandmanymore,toomanytoname,whointheirownwayaddaword,anidea,sparkathoughtorlendahand.ThankyoutoallmystudentsandclientsovertheyearswhohavetaughtmeasmuchasIhavetaughtthem,andtoallwhohavetouchedmylife inapositivewayoverthecourseof thisproject.But thereareveryspecial thanksdue toa few,withoutwhomthisbookwouldn’thavebeenpossible.

DrRichardBandlerforhislife’sworkthatisNLPandformakingfast,effectivechangeaccessibletoall.

JohnGrinderalsoforhispartinthecreationofafieldthathaschangedmyownlifeandthelivesofthousands.

PaulMcKenna for allmy early learnings and for igniting the spark inme allthoseyearsagoinLondon.

MichaelNeillwhoreallyhelpedmeto‘getit’andtotryagainifIdidn’t.‘Idon’tknow…let’sfindout’iswhatI’vespenttenyearsdoingtogreateffect.

A great big heartfelt thank you to everyone at Hay House but particularlyMichellePilley,JoBurgess,JulieOughton,CarolynThorneandAmyKiberdforallyourloveandsupportofmepersonallyandforalltheworkyoudoshininglightinourworld.

Thankyoualso tomyamazingeditorSandyDraperformakingsenseof itall,again!

And finally thank you tomywifeClaire for all your love and support, not tomentionallthecupsofteaandcuddles.Loveyouwithallmyheart,foreverandforkeeps.

Introduction

Acatalystforchange

SowhatisNLPandwhyshouldyoutakethetimetoreadthewholeofthisbookand allow it to change thewayyou experience yourself and theworld aroundyou?

LetmebeveryupfrontandsaythatIamnotoneofthose‘thisbookwillchangeyourlife;you’vebeendoingitallwrong’guys.I’msure,justlikeme,youhavebeendoingyourbesttoo.Differentcircumstancesanddifferentchoicesforsure,but when it comes down to it, we’ve been doing our best given ourcircumstances,experiencesand theavailablechoicesweperceivedat the time.We lookat theworld aroundus andpick thebestpathwecan imagine togetthroughitand,atthesametime,trytocollectsomeofwhatwewantalongtheway,right?

I certainly did. Long before I had ever heard of NLP – like most people, Isuspect– Iviewed theworldasbeingamoreor lessstaticplacewhere thingswere as theywere and change…well, that was hard and definitely happenedonlyontheoutside,outthereinthephysicalworld,andusuallyforotherpeople,notpeoplelikeme.

Nowthinkaboutit.Itisreallyquitedifficulttochangetheworldaroundus,isn’tit?Intheworldofformandphysics,changecanbeveryhardindeedandtakesagreatdealofeffort,butthat,initself,isnotreallytheproblem.Theproblemisrarely actually found in the physical world but rather in our subjectiveexperienceofit.AssupercoachMichaelNeilldescribesit,‘We’renotscaredofwhatwethinkwe’reafraidof,we’reafraidofwhatwethink.’

Really, think about it for a second… Some people are scared of spiders andsomepeoplearenot,whileothersarescaredofdogsandcatsorflyingoreven

baked beans and ketchup… But most of us are not, so those things simplycannot, in and of themselves, be inherently scary. It MUST be our thoughtsaboutthosethingsthatcreatethosefeelingsofanxietyandsometimesevenblindpanic.

It’s as simple as that. We don’t need to change the world when we caneffortlessly change thewaywe perceive theworld out there, and in doing sochange ‘our’world instantly.Whilst change in theworld of form and physicstakes time and effort, in theworld of thought andmindwe are only ever onedifferentthoughtawayfrombeingOK.

Allhumanbehaviourisaproductofthestateofmindweareinatthetime.Thedifference between being in ‘a right state’ and ‘the right state’ is right therebetweenyourearsrightnow.Overthecourseofthisbook,Iamgoingtoshowyouhowtomakethesmallchangesontheinsidethatwillmakehugedifferencesontheoutside,becausewhenyouchangeyourmindyouchangeyourlife.

Imaginetomorrow,notfeelingafraid,notblockedbyirrationalfearsfromdoingthe things youwant, not craving foods that don’t serve you but only feed anemotionalhunger,notfeelingstuckorfrustratedandinsteadjustfeelingfreetobeyou,theauthenticyou,andfreenotjustbeingyoubutfreebyjustbeingyou.Imagineasyoureadthisbookjusthowmuchyourlifecanchangewhenyougetoutofyourownwayandstarttoliveuptoyourfullestpotential.

That’sreallywhatNLPisallabout;you,andhowyourunyourownmindandputatwinkleinyoureyeasyoudoit.

Aheadforchange

Atschoolwearetaughtwhattothink,butwearenevertaughthowtothink,untilnow,thatis.Theworldwhereweliveischangingsofastthat,whileinthepastIQandknowledgewerewhereallthepowersat,nowwearenevermorethanafewsimple clicks away from the factual answer.Thatbeing the case, howweuseourbrainsmustchange too.No longerdoyouhave touseyourbrainasaharddrive;now,itishowyouuseyourbrain,notwhatyoustoreinit,thatreallymatters.

Think of your mind more as a browser than a hard drive. So many morevariables and somanymorewonderfulways to use it, it’s time to put you incontrol, again.Youarenevermore thana fewsecondsaway fromany factual

answer–noone is– soyouradvantage in life isnotgoing tobe found there.Howyouuseyourbrainiswhatmatterstodayandtomorrowandfortherestofyourlife.

That’swhatIamgoingtoshowyou:howtouseyourbraineffectivelyfor thechangeandlifeyouwantandtodothatwiththesame‘twinkleintheeye’waythat forme epitomizesNLP, its ethos andmethodology. If you try somethinganditdoesn’twork,trysomethingelse;simple.Thereisnosuchthingasfailurehere.IfIwanttogetaclientintoagoodstatesoIcanhelpthemtochangethenI’llmakethemlaughforrealandanchorthatrealemotion,notgetthemtorecallsome dim and distant memory in such a clinical, dull way as to render itmeaningless.

Sure there is a lot aboutNLP that cannot be ‘proven’ ormeasured in double-blind clinical trials, but stand-up comedy doesn’t work under laboratoryconditions either, yet we all enjoy a good laugh. Nomatter what the men inwhitecoatsmightsay,thisstuffworksintherealworld.SoopenyourmindanditwillbemypleasuretobeyourguideasIhandyoutheinstructionmanualtoyourownmindbeforetakingyouthroughit: tomakeyounotjustsmarter,butalsodifferent;yourexperienceoflifericherwithmoredistinctionsandinhigherdefinition;andthejourneyherenotjustafunlearningone,butonebywhichyouchangefromtheinsideoutwithNLP.

Plainandsimple,thesetechniquesandtruthswillchangeyourlifeso,ifyou’reready, let’s get started and seewhereheading towardsyour full potential nowtakesyou.

Idon’tmakeanyclaimthattheprinciplesandtechniquesyouwilllearnherearemine;theyarethecollectiveworksofagreatmanyexpertsandvisionariesovertheyears.Noristhisadefinitiveworkas,intruth,Ionlyhavethescopeheretoscratchthesurface.Thisbookcouldbemanytimesthickerandmoreinvolved,butIhopeitwillwhetyourinterestandigniteyourcuriositytothengoonandexploretheResourcessectionattheendofthebook.

Likeanybodyofwork,NLPhasalsoevolvedovertime,buthere’smyversionof some great old songs, which – while they stay true to the original – areoriginalenoughinthemselvesandwithanewinside-outperspectivetoaddsomeextravalue to thepiece.Or so Ihope…asyou joinmeonaplainandsimpletour of what I think are some of the most important and potent patterns andprinciplesinNeuro-LinguisticProgrammingandbeyond.

Chapter1

NLPataglance

How long does it take you to change yourmind about something?A day?Aweek?Amonth?Longer?No,notatall,wecanactuallychangeourmindsveryquicklyindeed.Sure,wemightprocrastinateandputitoffforawhile.Wemightthinkaboutitalot,eventellourselvesstoriesaboutit,andfindevidenceforusbeingright.Wemightendlesslychatitoverwithfriendsandonandonandon,but when it actually comes down to it, we change our minds quickly – in aheartbeat – and so, in exactly the sameway, natural, permanent and effectivechangeonlyeverhappensfast,justlikethat.

HowdoesNLPwork?

Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is a method of influencing our brain’sbehaviour (the ‘neuro’partofNeuro-LinguisticProgramming) through theuseoflanguage(the‘linguistic’part)andothertypesofcommunicationtoenableusto‘recode’thewayourbrainrespondstostimuli(that’sthe‘programming’)andenjoynewandbetter,moreappropriatebehaviours.

NLPcouldbestbedescribedasahybridoftechniques–acollectionofthebestbits,oranensemble,ofwhatworksbestfrommanyothertherapeuticdisciplines–underpinnedbysomecoreprinciples,suchasthatchangehappensfastandweareseparatefromourbehaviours.In thesamewaythat twocomputerscanruntwodifferentprograms–andineffectbetwodifferentproducts–whileattheircoreonlythehardware(ourhead)isfixed;theprogramming(ourbehaviours)iscompletely interchangeable. NLP often incorporates both hypnosis and self-hypnosistoo,tohelpachievethedesiredchange(or‘programming’).

NLPKnow-how

DrRichardBandlerinventedtheterm‘Neuro-LinguisticProgramming’inthe1970s,andwasrecentlyaskedtowritethedefinitionofNLPfortheOxfordEnglishDictionary,whichreads:‘Amodelofinterpersonalcommunicationchieflyconcernedwiththerelationshipbetweensuccessfulpatternsofbehaviourandthesubjectiveexperiences(esp.patternsofthought)underlyingthem’;and‘Asystemofalternativetherapybasedonthiswhichseekstoeducatepeopleinself-awarenessandeffectivecommunication,andtochangetheirpatternsofmentalandemotionalbehaviour.’

SoNLPisfundamentallytwothings:

1. Awayofmodellingsuccessfulpatternsofbehavioursothattheycanbereplicated.

2. A form of therapy rooted in the subject’s self-awareness and thoughtprocesses.

Or, in plain English, NLP is the art and science of excellence, derived fromstudyinghowtoppeopleindifferentfieldsobtaintheiroutstandingresults;andalso a therapybasedon shining a light of awareness on the internal processesandprograms so thatwe can change.Thegoodnews is that anyone can learnthesecommunicationskillsandimprovetheireffectiveness,bothpersonallyandprofessionally.

ThebeginningsofNLP

NLPbeganintheearly1970sasasimpleuniversitythesisprojectinSantaCruz,California. Then student, Richard Bandler, and his professor, John Grinder,wantedtodevelopmodelsofhumanbehaviourtounderstandwhycertainpeopleseemedtobeexcellentatwhattheydid,whileothersfoundthesametasksverychallengingornearlyimpossibletoaccomplish–allotherthingsbeingequal,ofcourse.

Inspired by pioneers in different fields of therapy and personal growth anddevelopment,BandlerandGrinderbegantodevelopsystematicproceduresandtheoriesthatformedthefoundationsofwhatweknowtodayasNLP.

TheearlyfocusofNLPwasonmodelling.Inotherwords,ifyoudosomethingreallywell and I do exactly the same as you, thenwewill both get the sameresult.Logicallyitmakessense,buthow?Clearly,itisourmindthatdrivesourbodysowhatdoweneedtododifferentlyinourmindtogetadifferentresultfromourbody?

Fascinatedbytheworldoftherapy,BandlerandGrinderbeganbystudyingthreetop therapists: Virginia Satir, a family therapist, who was able to getextraordinary results and consistently resolve difficult family relationships,whichmanyothertherapistsfoundimpossible;innovativepsychotherapistFritzPerls,who founded the school of therapyknownasGestalt therapy; and then,famously,thegreatMiltonErickson,theworld’sleadinghypnotherapist.

Their goalwas to developmodels of how these three therapists got results sofast.Theconceptofmodellingisaverysimpleprincipleandsotheyfocusedonthehowbyidentifyingandmodellingthepatternsortechniquesthatconsistentlyproduced these outstanding results. The acid test of this modelling being thattheywouldthenbeabletoteachthesemodelstoothersandgetthesameresults– evenwithout any of the original therapists’ background skill, experience orknowledge.

These three very gifted therapists were also very different personalities andascribed to very different modalities of change, yet Grinder and Bandlerdiscovered some powerful underlying patterns in their work that were verysimilar. It was these key patterns or techniques that became the foundationstructureofNLPasweknowittoday,andmanyofthewell-knownNLPphrases– e.g. meta model, submodalities, reframing, language patterns, well-formedoutcomes, conditions and eye-accessing cues – all come from this very earlyformulationperiod.

It’s not known, or perhaps just not remembered, when the phrase ‘Neuro-Linguistic Programming’ was first used to describe the process of howpersonality creates and expresses itself.ButwhenBandler andGrinder startedteachingNLP it’s reported that the firstclassof studentsquicklynicknamed it‘Mindf**k101’.Fortunately,thenicknamedidn’tstickortheworldoftherapycouldbeaverydifferentplace.

NLP:thefundamentalprinciples

NLP works on the principle that humans are made up of a neurology that

conveys information about our environment to the central nervous system andbrain.Sincewearealsomeaning-creatingcreatures,wehave tomakesenseofthingsinordertoknowwhattodowiththem,sowetranslatetheseperceptionsintomeanings,beliefsandthenexpectations.

Aswegrow fromababy into amorecomplexadulthuman,we tend to filter,distortandmagnifytheinputwegetfromourenvironmentsothatitmatchestheelaborateprogramwe’veevolvedtoexplainourlifeexperiencestoourselves.

As infants, we pass through the ‘magical thinking’ phase, and various otherstages of development, on our journey to adulthood.Magical thinking ismostdominantlypresent inchildrenagedbetween twoandsevenyears.During thistime, children stronglybelieve that theirpersonal thoughtshaveadirect effectontherestoftheworld.Thereforeiftheyexperiencesomethingtragictheydon’tunderstand,forexampleadeath,theirmindcreatesareasontofeelresponsible.Jean Piaget, a developmental psychologist, came up with the theory of fourdevelopmental stages, and children aged between two and seven years areclassified under his ‘Preoperational Stage’ of development. During this stagechildrenareperceivednottobeabletouselogicalthinking.Theiryoungmindsdon’t understand the finality of an event like death, and so magical thinkingbridgesthegap.

Thestudyofhowwedoallthisatallages,thekindsofmeaningswemakeupfromourperceptionsandtheinternalprogrammingandexternalbehaviourswesetuptoexplain,predictandmakesenseofitall–thisiswhatthecoreofNLPisallabout.

NLPKnow-how

InNLP,wearenotsomuchinterestedinwhywedowhatwedo,buthow.Thewhypartrelatestohistoryandthemeaningwegiveit,butwecan’tchangehistory.Italsorelatestopeopletryingtodothebesttheycouldatthetimeandsubsequently,giventheirframeofreference,theexperiencefiltersthattheyarepassingtheinformationthroughandalsothebestoptionsthey‘think’theyhaveinthemoment.Forthemostpart,peoplearegenerallytryingtodotheirbest.Veryfewdeliberatelysetouttobeassholes(althoughmanyachieveit),butmostpeoplearesimplydoingthebesttheycan,givenallthosefactors.Forthatreason,howsomeoneconstructstheirsubjectiveexperienceisfarmoreusefulthanwhytheydoso,nottomentionfareasiertochange–andwithfarmore

variables,andthereforeoptions,fordifferentoutcomesthananythingelsewehavetoworkwith.

NLPinothertherapies

Today,NLPhasgrowninamyriaddifferentdirections,includinghypnosisandbehavioural, personal change work and structures of beliefs, as well asmodelling personal success, systems of excellence, expertise in businesscoachingandsales training.Ithasbeen‘popularized’bytheremarkableworksof luminaries suchasPaulMcKenna, JohnLaValle,RobertDilts,TadJames,Tony Robbins, Michael Neill, Eric Robbie, Phil Parker and, of course, DrRichardBandlerhimself.Richard,tobeabsolutelycorrect,iscreditedastheco-creator of NLP. His then professor, John Grinder, has also developed theircreationfurtherasRichardstilldoes,butit’stheBandlerschoolofthoughtthathasreallyshapedNLPasmostpeopleknowit.

Inmyownworkasatherapistandlifecoach,NLPisjustwhatIdo.Asaresult,myunderstandinghasdeepenedastothenatureofoursubjectiveexperience.I’dliketothinkthatsomeofwhatyou’relearninghereisakintobeinggiventheTVremotetoyourbrain:youcanmakethehorrormovielessscaryand,infact,evenchange the channel to something that makes you feel good. But it is worthmentioningthatwhatyousee,thinkandbelieveinyourheadisjustamovieandwhenyoustopengagingwithit–stopbelievingitandactingasthoughitweretrue – you automatically go back to your default setting (which is happy)anyway.

Therereallyisnothingyouneedtodotomakeyourselfhappy.Happinessisjustwhat happenswhen you do less on the inside, notmore. Just as the nature ofwaterisclear,youdon’tneedtodoanythingtomakeitclearer,orkeepitclean,itisjustclear.If,foranyreason,it’snot,thenthebestwaytoreturnittoclarityisnotfindinganewwaytoshakeitorstiritup,buttoleaveitalone.Andthatisexactlythesamewithyou.Youhaveaninnateclarity,aninnatewellbeingandaninnateknowing.Sure,sometimesyourthoughtsgetintheway,andyouwillfindsomegreattechniquesinthefollowingchapterstohelpyouwhentheydo,but they work in the same way that a dressing on a cut provides a cleanenvironment for it to heal. In otherwords, it is not the dressing thatdoes thehealing,itisyou;thedressingsimplyhelpsyoutohealandreturnsyoutoyournaturalsettingofwellness.

IamdelightedandgratefultoDrBandlerfortheimpactthatNLPhashadonmylife and the lives of the countless people I have been able to help. Givingsomeonethecontroltheyarelookingforisapricelessgift,justasbeingabletoadjust themovieand liveadifferent life isa special thing.However, realizingthatyouarealreadyOKandknowingwhenyoustayoutofyourownwayforlongenoughyoutendtodojustgreat,isaprofoundandlife-changinginsightformostpeople–perhapsnowforyoutoo.

ApplicationsofNLP

As I alluded to earlier, aspects ofNLPhave alsobeen incorporated into othertherapiestoo,suchasEMDR(eyemovementdesensitizationandreprocessing).NLPhasalsobeen taken inamorespiritualdirectionandused toassist in thealignment of personal behaviours and beliefs with a higher purpose andconnection to the Divine and spirit. Some have even developed processes tospeedhealing inhospitalsettingsand to lessen theneedforanaesthesiaduringmedicalprocedures.NLPtechniqueshavealsobeenappliedtoinfluencingsalesand negotiations, and even how to pick up women. You name it, there’sprobablyanNLP-relatedapplicationforitandabookaboutittoo,butherewe’llbefocusingonitstherapeuticapplications,whereit’sprovedsosuccessful.

Takephobias, for example, an easy and illustrative choice.Aphobia couldbedefinedas‘anirrationalfear’andsoifitis‘irrational’thenithastobeaproductofoursubjectiveexperiencebecausethereisnorationalbasisforit,butwethinkthere is…So, for instance,public speaking is listedas the secondbiggest fearafter death, which means that almost as many people would be as scared ofgivingtheeulogyatafuneralastheywouldbeofbeinginthecasketitself.

NLP has proved incredibly successful in treating irrational fears, as well asissues such as stage fright, parenting, allergies and trauma. In fact the list ofareas where training in NLP and individual therapeutic work with NLPpractitionersisvaluableisendless–andthatissimplybecauseNLPisnotaboutanyofthesespecificthingsbutaboutpeople.Thehardwareismoreorlessthesame in each of us, it’s the software that is variable and this can bereprogrammedquicklyandeasilywithNLP,often justbypressing the‘restorefactorysettings’optionandallowingustobeOK.

Eye-accessingcues

So,ifyou’llpardonthepun,let’sstartbylookingatoneofmostwell-known,ifcontroversial,discoveriesinNLP,butalsopotentiallyoneofthemostvaluabletothenoviceNLPer:theobservationofeyemovementsasindicatorsofspecificcognitiveprocesses.

Learningtoread‘eye-accessingcues’,astheyarecalled,isafairlysimpleskillandyou’llprobablyalreadyknowthatwhenspeakingtosomeonetheireyestendtomoveallovertheplace.Whilstitissociallyacceptable,andevenexpected,tolooktheotherpersonintheeye,wejustcan’tseemtodothatand thinkat thesametime.It’salmostasifwehavetolookawayinordertobeabletoaccessourthoughts.Idistinctlyrememberatschool(andIwasn’tatallgoodatschoolstuff)beingaskedaquestion,quicklyfollowedbytheteacherbarkingatmethatthe answersweren’t on the ceiling. For some reason,my eyes had drifted upwhilstIwasgenuinelytryingtothink–well,beforeIwasinterrupted,thatis–andwhenIhadtolookather,Ijustcouldn’tthinkatall.Mymindwentblank,even thoughIknewthat Iknewtheanswer; itwason the tipofmytongue, ifonlyIcouldgettoit.

I’msureyou’vehadasimilarexperience,orwillhavecertainlynoticedpeople’seyesmovingaroundwhenyou’vehadaconversation.Buthaveyouevernoticedhowtheymove?

Imagine in your mind’s eye that you have a screen much like that on yourcomputer.You know that you need tomove the little cursor around to accessdifferentfilesonyourcomputer.Well,it’sexactlythesameinyourmind,onlyyoureyesarelikethecursorandthefilesareallarrangedniceandneatlysoyoudon’tneedtosearcharoundtoomuch.ThereasonthatmyeyesnaturallydriftedupwardstofindtheanswertothequestionisthatIampredominantlyvisualandhadstoredtheanswer–oratleasttheimagetoaccesstheanswer–notontheceiling(thatwouldbecheating),butinthefolderofimagesthatweallaccessbylookingup.You’llhaveseenpeopledothatandthenperhapssay‘letmesee’,asthey‘look’fortheanswer.

For a right-handedperson, images that arememories tend to beup and to theleft. Without looking, quickly, which side is the handle on your front door?Noticewhere your eyes go to access the information. Images fromwhichwemust construct the answer tend to be up and to the right. So, just imagine anelephantcrossedwitharhino…wheredidyoulook?Upandright?

(Butwhatdoyoucallanelephantcrossedwitharhino?‘Eleph–I–no’?Sorry,couldn’tresist!)

Playwithvisualcues

Askyourselfthefollowing,andjustnoticewhereyoureyesgo,thengetsomeofyourfriendstodothesame:

Thinkofthecolourofyourcar…whatdoesthebadgelooklike?

Whatpatternisonyourbedspread?

Thinkofthelasttimeyousawsomeonerunning,whatdidtheylooklike?

Whowerethefirstfivepeopleyousawthismorning?

Allthesequestionsaredesignedtomakeyouaccessyourvisualmemory,whichmeans,forright-handedpeople,theeyesshouldgoupandleft.

Likemost things, eye-accessing cues are not new, but rather brought togetherfrom somewhere else to give a ‘best of breed’ solution. The notion that eyemovementsmightberelatedtointernalrepresentationswasfirstsuggestedwayback by American psychologist William James in his book Principles ofPsychology.Observingthatsomeformsofmicromovementalwaysaccompanythought,Jameswrote:

‘Inattendingtoeitheranideaorasensationbelongingtoaparticularsense-sphere,themovementistheadjustmentofthesense-organ,feltasitoccurs.Icannotthinkinvisualterms,forexample,withoutfeelingafluctuatingplayofpressures,convergences,divergences,andaccommodationsinmyeyeballs…WhenItrytorememberorreflect,themovementsinquestion…feellikeasortofwithdrawalfromtheouterworld.AsfarasIcandetect,thesefeelingsareduetoanactualrollingoutwardsandupwardsoftheeyeballs.’1

What James is describing iswell known inNLPasvisual eye-accessing cues,buthisobservationlaydormantuntiltheearly1970swhenpsychologists2–4firstbegan to equate lateral eyemovementswith processes related to the differenthemispheresofthebrain.Theyobservedthatright-handedpeopletendedtoshifttheirheadsandeyes to the rightduring ‘lefthemisphere’ (logicalandverballyoriented) tasks, and move their heads and eyes to the left during ‘righthemisphere’(artisticandspatiallyoriented)tasks.Thatis,peopletendedtolookintheoppositedirectionof thepartof thebrain theywereusingtocompleteacognitivetask.

Then,inearly1976,RichardBandler,JohnGrinderandtheirstudentsbegantoexploretherelationshipbetweeneyemovementsandthedifferentsenses,aswellasthedifferentcognitiveprocessesassociatedwiththebrainhemispheres.5

Butin1977,RobertDiltsattheLangleyPorterNeuropsychiatricInstituteinSanFrancisco took it all a step further, when he attempted to correlate eyemovementstoparticularcognitiveandneurophysiologicalprocesses.Diltsusedelectrodes to track both the eye movements and brainwave characteristics ofsubjectswhowereaskedquestionsrelated tousing thevarioussensesofsight,hearingandfeelingfortasksinvolvingbothmemory(right-brainprocessing)andmentalconstruction(left-brainprocessing).

Subjectswereaskedaseriesofquestionsineightgroupings.Eachgroupingofquestionsappealedtoaparticulartypeofcognitiveprocessing;whatweknowasvisual, auditory and kinaesthetic (feelings). Each was also geared to eithermemory (non-dominant hemisphere processing) or construction (dominanthemisphere processing). Dilts’ recordings tended to confirm other tests thatshowed that eye movements accompanied brain activity during differentcognitive tasks. This pattern also seemed to hold for tasks requiring differentsenses.6–7

As a result of these and other studies8–9 – andmanyhours of observations ofpeoplefromdifferentculturesandracialbackgroundsfromallovertheworld–thefollowingeye-movementpatternswereidentified.

Fromtheperson’sperspective

Eyesupandleft:Non-dominanthemispherevisualization–visualrecallorremembered(Vr)

Eyes up and right: Dominant hemisphere visualization – visualconstructed(Vc)

Eyes lateral left: Non-dominant hemisphere auditory processing –auditoryrecallorremembered(Ar);andalsotonaldiscrimination

Eyeslateralright:Dominanthemisphereauditoryprocessing–auditoryconstructed(Ac)

Eyes down and left: Internal dialogue, or inner self-talk, sometimesreferredtoasauditorydigital(Ad)

Eyes down and right: Feelings, both tactile and visceral – kinaesthetic

(K)

Eyes straight ahead, but defocused or dilated: For quick access toalmostanysensoryinformation,butusuallyvisual

ThediagrambelowillustratesthebasicNLPeye-accessingcues.

This pattern appears to be constant for right-handed people throughout thehuman race, with the possible exception of inhabitants of the Basque regionwho,interestinglybutcompletelyinexplicably,appeartoofferafairnumberofexceptionstotherule–definitelyoneforanNLPpopquiz.

Manyleft-handedpeople,however, tend tobereversedfromleft toright.Thatis, theireye-accessingcuesare themirror imageof thoseof theaverage right-handedperson.Theylookdownandleftforfeelings,insteadofdownandright.Similarly,theylookupandtotherighttoremembervisualimagery,insteadofupandtotheleft,andsoon.Asmallnumberofpeople(includingambidextrousandafewright-handedpeople)willbereversedinsomeoftheireye-accessingcues(theirvisualeyemovements,forexample),butnottheothers.

Furtherexploringvisualcues

Toexplore the relationshipbetweeneyemovements and thinking,haveaplaywiththeseeye-accessingcues.It’sdefinitelyeasierifyoufindapartner;justaskthefollowingquestionsandobservetheireyes.

We’ve practised the first visual cues already, but for completeness, they areincludedinthisexerciseaswell.

Visualrecall

Thinkofthecolourofyourcar.

Whatpatternisonyourbedspread?

Thinkofthelasttimeyousawsomeonelaughing.

Whowasthefirstmanyousawthismorning?

Whowasthefirstwomanyousawthismorning?

Visualconstructed

Imagineyourhouse,butwithpinkandbluespotsontheroof.

Can you imagine the top half of a teddy bear on the bottom half of amermaid?

Auditoryrecall

Canyouthinkofoneofyourfavouritesongs?

Thinkofthesoundofpeopleclappingandcheering.

Howdoesyourcar’senginesound?

Auditoryconstructed

Imagine the sound of children playing changing into the sound of yourmother’svoice.

Imaginethenationalanthemplayedonatambourine.

Imaginewhatthesilenceofbeingdeepinouterspacewouldsoundlike.

Auditorydigital(internalself-talk)

Justtakeamomentandlistentothesoundofyourowninnervoice.Howdoyouknowthatit’syourvoice?

Inwhattypesofsituationsdoyoutalktoyourselfthemost?

Thinkofthekindsofthingsthatyousaytoyourselfmostoften.

Doyourefertoyourselfas‘you’orme’whenyoudo?

Kinaestheticrecall(feelingsremembered)

Whenwasthelasttimeyoufeltreallywet?Wereyoucoldorwarm?

Imaginethefeelingofsnowinyourhands.

Whatdoesawetdogfeellike?

Whenwasthelasttimeyoutouchedsomethinghot?

Canyouthinkofatimeyoufeltsatisfiedaboutsomethingyoucompleted?

Thinkofwhatitfeelsliketobeexhausted.

Whenwasthelasttimeyoufeltreallycurious?

Kinaestheticconstruction(feelingsconstructed)

Imaginethefeelingofstickinessturningintothefeelingsofsandshiftingbetweenyourfingersandthentoice.

Imaginethefeelingsoffrustrationturningintothefeelingofbeingreallymotivated to do something and then imagine the feeling of being boredturning into feeling silly about your feeling bored and then turning intocuriosityagain.

Creaturesofhabit

Weallhavefarmorescopeforexpressionthanmostofuseveruse,andalsofarmore versatility and ability to change howwe feel in any givenmoment.Theproblemisthatwehaveitlinedupinthewrongwayalotofthetime,andsowegenerally just don’t appreciate how many shades there are or how manydistinctionsweareabletomakewheneverwewant.Wehumansarecreaturesofhabitandwetendtoredothingsthewaywehavealwaysdonethem…why?

Well,for thesamereasonthat,eventhoughall that informationhasbeenthereallalong,youjustdidn’tknowanybetter.Butassoonasyounoticeforthefirsttimewhat’sthere,thenyoucan’tun-noticeitanditwillalwaysbethereforyoutouse.Theworld and thepeople in it have alwaysbeen like that; you’ve justnevernoticedbefore.

However,therearetwosmallyetvitalpointsofcaution:

1. Ihaveoftenhearditsaidwhentalkingabouteye-accessingcuesthatit’sagoodwaytoknowwhensomeoneislying.Itcanbe,butyoucertainly

needtoconsideralotofotherfactorsbeforejumpingtothatconclusion.

2. Whilethepatterndescribedworksmostofthetimeformostright-handedpeople and swaps over for left-handed people, the key is in the word‘most’.Mostofthetimethisistrue,butsomeofthetimeitisnot.Youneed to pay attention to other factors so that you get it right all of thetime.

Calibration

IfIamworkinginalmostanycapacitywithsomeone,Ialmostalwaysbeginbymakingchitchataboutwhat theydidat theweekendandwhat they’llbedoinglater – nothing major, just day-to-day small talk. It seems very normal andnatural, and people certainly don’t think anything of it. BUT this is actuallywhenIampaying themostattentionbecause, inactual fact, I’mcalibrating tothem.Whattheygotuptolastweekend,thewaytheydescribeitandwheretheireyes go givesme a very good calibration reference point for how they recallinformation.

Wehavetoassumethattheyaretellingthetruth,ofcourse,butwe’lltakethatasagivenbecausetheycertainlyhavenoreasontolietome.Thenwhattheyaredoingfortherestofthedaytellsmehowthey‘construct’ information,astheyhavetodosoinordertobeabletomakesenseofwhat’scomingnext.Bealittlecarefulbecauseifthat’ssomewheretheygoorhavebeentobefore,theymighthavetoaccessamemoryinordertocreatetheframeintowhichtheycanthenplacethescene.

However,you’llnoticethatIhaveasked‘what’theyaredoinglater,notwheretheywillbegoing,sousually,afterabriefforayintothepasttogetthesceneset,they will be over on the right side constructing and givingme another reallyusefulcalibrationreferencepoint.Youmightalsoliketonoticeonwhichwristtheyweartheirwatch(althoughthisisincreasinglylessreliable)orwhichhandtheywritewithtoknowwhichistheirdominanthand.Thesecondpointisthatevenonceyou’resureofhowtheyare‘wiredup’,becarefulbeforejumpingtothe conclusion that someonemight be lying.We need to be very careful andcleanwiththequestionsthatweask.

Casestudy

Iwasoncesittingin,assistingonaninterviewpaneltoselectsomeveryseniormanagersforanorganization,andwhenonecandidatelefttheroom,theHRpersonturnedtomeandsaid,‘Ithinkhewasthebestsofar;it’sarealpityhewaslying.’Therethenensuedaverylongconversationabouthowtheyknewthatfromtheperson’seye-accessingcues.(Shehadbeenonaone-dayNLPcourseandthoughtshehaditsussed.)Here’sthequestionsheaskedandhere’showhiseyesmoved…Canyouspotwhereshewentwrong?

‘InyourpreviousrolewithXYZCorporation,whatwasakeyskillthatyoudeveloped,theonethatgavethebiggestresults,andhowwouldyoubeabletoutilizethatexperiencehere?’

Hiseyesdidthis…forasplitsecond.

Thenthisasheanswered.

Whenchallenged,theHRpersonsaidthatsheknewforcertainthathewaslyingbecausehelookedupandrighttheentiretimewhenanswering,onlyoccasionallylookingatherandthen‘furtively’(assheputit)lookingawayandupandright,whichshowedhewaslying.

Whatshehadn’tfactoredin,however,wasthatwhileinherhead,herlineofquestioningwasrootedinwhatthecandidatewouldbringtohercompanybasedonhislastjob(andhedidaccessupandlefttofindthatmemory,butonlyforasplitsecond),themajorityofthethinkingrequiredtoanswerthequestionaccuratelyactuallyrequiredhimtoconstructananswerplacedinthefuture.Giventhathehadneverworkedforthatcompanyandhadthereforeneverusedanyofhisskillsthere,nevermindthatone,theonlypossiblewaytoforman

answerwastoprojectwhathedidknowintothatsituationandtokeepdoingsountilhefelthehadgivenascompleteanaccountashisimaginationwouldallowhimtoconstruct.Whichisexactlywhathedid.

Whattheinterviewermistookforlooking‘furtively’awayfromhereyecontactwasactuallythecandidatequicklygettingbacktohispictureunderinterviewpressuretocontinuewithhisanswerbeforehelosthistrainofthought.Shecompletelymissedthe‘upandleft’visual-recallaccessingcue.Afterclearingthatup,theguygotthejob!Ofcourse,whatwouldhavehelpedwouldhavebeenifourcandidatehadbeenabletobuildbetterrapportinthefirstplace.AlthoughI’msureitwouldn’thavepreventedtheHRpersonfromgettingitwrong,shewouldhavebeenmuchmorelikelytogivehimthebenefitofthedoubt.

This chapter has been all about noticing what’s always been there, but thatyou’vejustnevernoticedbefore.Iwonderwhereelsethatmightbetrueinyourlife?Yes,takeawaywhatyouhavelearnedabouteyemovementsandaccessingcuesfromhere,butthere’samuchbigger‘takeaway’too.Themoreyouturnupyourownsensoryacuity,andthemoreyoupayattentiontotheworldandthosearoundyou,themoreoptionsyouhave,bothinwhattodoandhowtobenext.

Chapter2

Themind:Abrowser,notaharddrive

Whenmostofusthinkaboutourmind,wetendtothinkofitinthewaythatweare conditioned to use it through education: as a place where we storeinformation. The smarter ones amongst us are the ones who can recall thatinformationin,moreorless,thesameformasitwentinandsoweareabletopassexamsthataresetpredominantlyasatestofmemoryandtheapplicationofthatmemory.

Perhaps, as I mentioned in the previous chapter, it’s because when I wasgrowing up, Iwasn’t very good at that, but tome it just never seemed like aparticularly good way to measure smartness. I knew many people who werestraight-A students but couldn’t wire a plug or solve a basic life problem, orwho, despite having a brain the size of a planet, just couldn’t get alongwithpeople or apply that knowledge in the real world in a way that helped themnavigatetheirowncourseanybetterorwithfewermistakesthananyoneelse.

Evengrowingup,theproblemseemedreallyobvioustome:educationisaboutfixed,solidfactsforthemostpartwhereaslifeisaboutthoughts,emotionsandpeople.Butthoughtsandemotionsarenotfixedandsonoraretheanswers.IQiswhat gets you through school, but EQ (emotional intelligence) iswhat getsyouthroughlife.

Upgradingyoursearch

Thisisabooktohelpyounotjustgetthroughyourlife,butthrive!Andsoweneedtothinkaboutthemindverydifferently.YourmindismuchmorelikeanInternet browser than a hard drive. Sure, we can cache information for easy

access,but just likeyourbrowser, ifyoudon’topenit forawhile,youloseit.Yes,weallhaveahistorybutitcanbecleared,andweareallabletosearchandfind the information we need. It’s how we do that which really matters andmakesthedifference–howwesearchforandfindwhatwearelookingfor.

Let’s take this analogy just a little further. Back in the dark ages, when theInternetwasbutachild,whenwedidn’tfindwhatwewerelookingforonthefirst page of Google, Yahoo, Excite, MSN, AOL or whichever of the manydifferent browsers our dial-up modem (very slowly) took us to – with thehorribleelectronicnoiseasthesoundtrackforourjourneyintocyberspace–wewouldclickonthesecond,third,fourth,fifthpagetryingtofindwhatwewerelookingfor.

Now, think about the way the Internet has evolved. It’s always on, alwaysavailable, theanswerisright thereinyourpocketandwhenyousearch, ifyoudon’t findwhat you are looking for, you don’t click down into the depths ofmorewronganswerstryingtofindthesolution,youjustchangethesearch,don’tyou?

Nowthinkabouthowyourunyourhead;isitanythinglikethat?Hasitevolvedtoo?No!

Forthemostpart,weassumethatwhat’sreadilyatourdisposalisallwe’vegottoworkwith.Wesearchbasedonwhatwehavealwayssearchedforandwhenthe samewrong answers come up,we either try them again and get the sameresultasbeforeordismiss them,knowing themtobewrong.Andindoingso,weleaveourselvesstuck.It’snotwhatwehaveinourheadthat’stheproblem;it’showweuseit.

So,let’sstartbychangingwhatwearesearchingfor.Howwouldyouliketobeandwhatwouldyouhaveinyourlife,evenifyouhavenoideahowtogetit?

Dothatrightnow.Whatisitthatcomesupforyou?Whatisitthatyouwouldmostliketochange?Nowletmepopalittlecaveatinrighthere.Whilewearenottalkingaboutbeingabletochangetheworldaroundus,letmebeveryclear;when you make the changes in your mind, they will filter through into yourenvironmentfaster thanyou think.Thatpart isabsolutely inevitable; it’s justagiven,butwithoutstartingintherightplaceontheinside,youwilllikelyhavejust asmuchof a struggle as you’ve haduntil now.So let’s stop that and I’llexplainnotonlywhygettingthechangeyouwantiseasierthanyouthink,butalsotheinevitabilityofhowitwillplayoutforyouintherealworld.

It all starts with your thoughts. The problem, of course, is not that we havethoughts;theproblemisthatwebelievethemandengagewiththemandallowthemtoshapeourlives.Ofcourse,whenwestartonourpersonaldevelopmentjourney, we get that concept pretty quickly and, just as quickly, jump to theusualandratherinevitableconclusionthatifbadthoughtsequalsbadthingsthensurelythesolutiontofeelingbetterissimplytothinkgoodthoughts,right?AndI’llbetyou’vetriedthatalready.Howdidthatgoforyou?

I’mnomind-reader,butI’llbetthatitwentfinewhileyouweredoingit,butjustlikeeveryone(andIdomeaneveryoneelse),youcouldn’tordidn’tkeepitupand so went right back to where you started. Only this time with the addedthoughtthatchangemustbeharderthanyouthought,harderthenallthoseself-help gurus make it out to be. Right? Of course! Part of you wishes it wasdifferent andabigpartofyouwishes thatyouweredifferent andperhaps it’sthatpartthathascausedyoutokeeplookingtillnowforthesolutionthat’srightforyou.Ofcourse,youkeepall this toyourself,don’tyou?Imean, likemostpeople,youwouldverynearlydieofembarrassment, ifyou thought theworldcouldhearyourthinkingoutloud.

But that’swhere I’mgoing todepressyou justa littlebit further:whetheryoulikeitornot,thelifeyouareleadingISaproductofyourthinking.

Thoughtcreatesfeelings,feelingscreateactionsandactionscreateoutcomes.Sowhetheryoulikeitornot,whiletheexactdetailmightbehidden,theworldcanalreadywitness theoutcomeofyour thinkingeveryday, every timeyou leavethehouseorinteractwithsomeone.

Now,letmecheeryouupagain.Theproblemisnotthatwehavethoughts;theproblemisnoteventhat theyarehardtochangefromnegativetopositiveandthe problem is not even one that you have created. It’s all just a bigmisunderstanding. We are taught throughout our lives that in order to makesenseofthings,weneedtobeabletoexplainthemlogicallyandweneedtobeable to apply certain laws and universal constants to them in order to bevalidated.Theproblemforthoseofusmakingchangesontheinsideisthatweapplythewronglawstothewrongthing.

Thelawsofphysicsdon’tapplyinyourmind

If I had a big tree root in my garden and I wanted to remove it to plant aflowerbed,Icouldquitereasonablyexpectittobehardwork.Thetreeisheavy,

it’sbeenthereforaverylongtimeanditsrootsrundeeperthanthefoundationsofmyhouse itself.Youmight reasonablyexpect that IwouldneedsometoolsandthatIwouldneedtostruggleandputmybackintoitandthat, ifIdidthatconsistently,Iwouldfirstofallseetherootstarttomovealittle,thenImightbeable to use that littlemovement to get some leverage. From there, Imight beabletobreakit loosefromwhathadbeenkeepingitstuckandthen,withevenmoreeffort, Imightbeable to lift itoutand take itaway.Soundsabout right,right?

Ofcourse,thiswilltakesometime,butinourfavour,wedohavenatureonourside.Justlikegoingtothegym–ifIkeptatitandkeptatit,mybody,withoutany additional mental input from me and without my asking, would justnaturallygetstrongertocopewiththephysicalstrainoftheloadIwasputtingitunderandhelpmetoreachmygoal.Firstofall,werecruitalltheresourceswehaveavailable in the formofadditionalmuscle fibresand thenwhenweneedevenmore, thosemuscle fibres start to grow thicker and stronger, and that ishowwebuildmuscle.

However,whenwewant tomake changes in ourmind instead, those laws ofphysicsandformsimplydonotapplyand,infact,theinverseistrue.Whenweconsistentlyapplyanadditionalphysicalloadtoourbody,wegetstronger,butwhen we consistently apply an additional mental load to our mind, we getweaker. Not because it’s our fault, it’s just how we are made, how we arenaturallywiredup.Thebodyisdesignedtodomoreontheoutsideandlessontheinside;wejustdon’ttendtorunitlikethatanymore…thelawsofphysicsandformsimplydonotapplytotheworldofthoughtsandmind;wejustthinktheydo,untilweknowbetter,thatis.

Changedoesn’thavetotakealongtime

Thinkaboutitthisway:ifyouhavehadaDVDinyourcollectionthatterrifiesyoueverytimeyouwatchit,itdoesn’tmatterwhetheryou’vehaditfor20yearsor20minutes,youcanthrowitoutandbedonewithitjustasfast.

Sohere’sthebestnews:weknowthatit’smucheasiertochangeourmindthantheworldaroundusalready.Buta fewweeksago,whiledrivinghome, Iwasstruckbyyetanotherexampleofhowwehabituallyget itallwrongwhen it’sjustaseasy,infact,eveneasier,togetitallsorted.

If, like me, you’re a reluctant fan of all things electronic, then you will be

familiarwiththe‘readonly’messagethatoftenpopsupwhenyoutrytoeditadocument. You have no problem accessing it; it could even be right in theforefrontofyourmindonyourdesktop,butyoujustcan’tchangeit;youhaven’t‘permission’todoso.

IhadjustfinishedfightingwithonesuchissueandwaslisteningtotheRichardBacon Show onBBC5Live on the radiowhen those samewords caughtmyattention,‘therearenoread-onlyfilesinthebrain…’

I turned it up and listened carefully: ‘Every time we access a memory, wechangeit;inallthestudies,ithasbeenfoundthattheactofrecallingamemoryhas theeffectofdistorting it insomeway.’Thiswasn’t justanyone’sopinion;the voice from my dashboard was none other than that of Simon Watt,evolutionary biologist and fellowHuffington Post columnist. Simon knows athingortwoand,asIlistenedtohimontheBBCthatafternoon,Ireallygottothinking.

Ifeverytimeweopenamemoryfileweinadvertentlyyetautomaticallychangeit in some way, then this surely explains why, over time, with sustainedattention, the problems, pain and fears we suffer do tend to get worse. Itcertainlyexplainspost-traumaticstressdisorder (PTSD),andevenphobiasandpanicattacks.

Thinkabout it;doyou tend to thinkaboutyourproblemsrathera lot?Yes,ofcourse. But did you realize that by doing so, you are changing them andprobablymakingthemworse?Ibetnot…

But, ifamemorychangesevery timeweaccess it, then it absolutely stands toreasonthatwecanchangethingsforthebetterjustaseasily.

That’scertainlybeenmyexperienceworkingwithliterallythousandsofpeopleallover theworld.Add to this the fact thatourdefault setting isactually ‘OKandhappy’,anditexplainswhyIoftendescribemyworkasbeinglikehitting‘restore factory settings’, andwhymy clients experience change at a rate andwithaneasethatsuggeststheyarenotjustdeletingindividualfiles,butmakingsomeprofoundandinnatechangesatamuchdeeperlevel.

All lasting change happens from the inside out and, call itwhat youwill, it’sofficial: ‘there are no read-only files’ in yourmind and you can change yourmindandthuschangeyourlifemuchfasterthanyouthink…literally!

So,knowingthatandknowingthatthere’salargepartofyouthatisnotonlyjust

open to change but reallywants it, what’s stopping you? The how to is righthere,butwheredoyouwanttostart?

Iwouldsuggest,ifImay,thatwestartwhereyouthinkyouwillgetthebiggestbenefit and gowith that. Let’s find outwhere the smallest of changes on theinsidemakethebiggestdifferenceontheoutsideandontheoutsideworld.

NowI’mguessingthatyoupickedupthisbookforareasonsolet’sstartthere.Idon’tneedtoknowwhatitis(thatcouldbetricky),butsolongasyoudo,that’sallthatmatters.Youcanwriteitdownnowifithelps,butifyoudo,makesurethatyoualsokeepitinmindasyoureadon.Iwantforthistobeameaningfulconversationaboutyou,onewhereyoucangetreallyclear–notonwhyyoudothings, I don’t really care about that; after all, we can’t go back and changehistory,canwe?–butwecaneasilychangehowyoufeelaboutit.Thisisnotabookaboutwhatandwhy;thisisabookallaboutHOW:howyouconstructthatsubjective experience and how we can change that for you so that youautomaticallygobacktobeingOK.Thatisyourdefaultsetting,afterall.

Submodalities

Sohowdoyoudoit?

Wesaidearlierthatallhumanbehaviourisaproductofthestateofmindweareinatthetime,butdoyouknowhowwebuildthosestates?

Well,we build them on the inside in exactly the sameway aswe experiencethem on the outside, through our senses.We even say that we need tomakesenseofthingsinordertounderstandthem.Wecreateourinternalexperiencesmainlyinpictures,soundsandfeelings.What’syourfavouritememory?Howdoyoucreatethatnow?Closeyoureyesifit’ssafetodosoandnoticewhat’sthereontheinsidewhenyouthinkaboutitnow.It’smostlikelysomepictures,somesoundsandsomefeelingsomewhereinyourbody,right?Soifthatishowyoucreatethatstateandthose‘submodalities’arethebuildingblocks,let’sgoabitfurther and take just a few easy examples of placeswe can go to change ourstate.Infact,let’stakethreeofmyfavourites.

1.CinemaWehaveallhadtheexperienceofbeingcompletelylostinareallygoodmovie.Wefeelsadatthesadparts,laughoutloudatthefunnyparts,getreadytojump

out of our skin as the tensionmounts and leavewith the feel-good glow of ahappy ending. The pictures are big, huge, in fact, and bright and bold andobviouslytheyaremovingandsometimes,in3D,wefeellikewearerighttherein the action, so long as those little 3Dglasses don’t annoyus toomuch, thatwoulddistractusandruinit.Theimagesaresobigtheyengulfoursensesandtakeustothatmagicalstatewherewecansuspendourdisbeliefandjustgowithit.

2.ConcertThen there’s the concert hall.Themoodbuilds as the support bandworks thestage.Theyalwayshaveatoughtimebecauseit’snottheircrowd,butthat’snotimportant;theyaretheretogetthecrowdreadyand‘instate’forthemainevent.Although, tobehonest,at reallybigevents, themainactwouldhave to reallysuck from the outset not to get a good reception, because the anticipation ofseeing them has been building in the audience for months, ever since theyboughtthealbum,thensawtheadvertforthetourandboughttheirtickets.Allthat time, thestatehasbeenbuildingso thatby the time the leadsingeropenstheirmouth,70,000peoplearereadytoburstwithexcitement.

Thesound isbigand loudandawhole teamof technicianshasmadesure it’sjustright,notjustsothatyoucanheareverynoteperfectly;that’snotwhatliveeventsarereallyallabout,butsothatitdoesitforyouformaximumimpactonyoursenses.Youarehearingtheonslaughtofaudioforallit’sworth,somuchsothatyoucan’thearyourselfthink.Haveyoueverheardthatexpression?

Well,that’sbecausewecanonlyprocessoneaudiotrackatatime.Surewecanthinkandhavesoundinthebackground,butwemusttuneintooneortheotherinorder toprocess it.Perhaps, likeme,youremembersitting in theclassroomthinkingaboutwhatyouwerehavingforlunchorwhattimethepubopenswhenacurt, ‘Whatwas I saying?’ from the teacher joltedyou fromyour trance.Ofcourse,youhadno idea;youwere listening toyourvoice (your thoughts), theaudiochannelontheinside,nottheonedroningontheoutsideaboutalgebraorsomethingequallydull.

So,astheconcertopensandthesoundbooms,youcan’thearyourselfthinkfora while. But that is usually short-lived; even the very best performers in theworldonlyhaveashorttimeframetoimpressyoubeforeyourowninnercritickicksin.Youmayhavestartedoffinapeakstateofanticipationandexcitement,butiftheydon’tdeliver,thenyourstatewillquicklychangeasyouengagemore

withthevoiceofyourinnercriticandlesswiththesoundontheoutside…everhadthatexperience?I’msureweallhave.

The legendarycomedian JerrySeinfeld reckons that even theverybesthaveawindow of about five minutes to impress or flop. Their fame and theexpectationsoftheaudiencewillonlybuythemthatmuchtimebeforetheyhavetodeliverthegoodsortheyarebacktosquareone.

3.BedBut there is nothing quite like climbing into your ownbedwith crisp, freshlylaundered sheets, is there? The feeling of being completely supported, of thecoversgentlynestlingaroundyourbodyasyourheadsinksintothepillow,andifyoufeel thesoftwarmtouchofsomeoneyou love, thensomuch thebetter.Somehow, the feeling of comfort around you, beneath you and on top of youspreadsrightthroughyou,envelopingyouwithafeelingthathelpsyoudriftallthewaydownintoadeeplyrelaxingsleep.Youdon’thavetodoanythingtogetthere;youjusthavetobethereandtheresthappensallbyitself.

Whatdoesitforyou?

Allthesenseswehaveontheoutsidearereplicatedontheinside.Andtomakesenseofthings,wehavetorepresent themontheinsideand filter/distortwhatwebelievetobeimportantaboutthatinformationinorderforittofitbestwithourmapoftheworld.Sowhatisitaboutthecinema,aconcertandsnugglingupinyourownbedthatworkssowellforyou?

Well,ifyouarepredominantlyvisuallyoriented,thenthecinemaisreallygoingtodo it for you; the imagesbeingbig andbold andbright aregoing to createsomereallypowerfulstatesinyou,onesthatyouwillbeabletorepresentforalongtimetocomeand,whenyoudo,theywillcreateevenmorepowerfulstates,justlikethinkingbacktoafavouriteholidayorthedayyourchildrenwereborn.

Youwillmostlikelybeabletoseethosememoriesthroughyourowneyes;youwill be able to feel like you are really there and be able to mentally run themovieforwardtothebestbitasifyouhavethecontroloftherecordedliveeventontheharddrivethatisyourmind.

If the concert does it for you then you are most probably aligned in a moreauditory sense, yourmemorieswill generally feature a lot of sound and fewer

picturesandifyouwanttochangeyourstateyou’lllikelylistentomusicorevenjustsilencethat’llmakeyoufeelgood.

If the thoughtof snugglingup in thosecrisp,cleansheetsdoes it foryou thenyouaremostlikelytobemorealignedaroundyourfeelingsthatinNLPwecall‘kinaesthetic’.

While it’s not accurate to group people firmly into any category, nevermindwhethertheyare‘visual’,‘auditory’or‘kinaesthetic’,itistruethatwetendtobemoredominantinonewiththeothertwomajorrepresentationsystemsfollowingonbehind.Ifyouarewonderingwhichorderyouworkin,we’llfigurethatoutnext.

So,wehave learned that allofusaredominant inoneof thosemajor internalrepresentationsystems,but therearealso twomorebeyond thebig three: taste(gustatory) and smell (olfactory), but most (unless you are a spaniel) don’tnavigatetheirwayaroundtheworldusingtasteandsmellbecausethatwouldbeweird!Sowehumansusepictures,whichwewillcall‘visual’;weusesounds,which, of course, we call ‘auditory’; andwe use feelings, which in NLP, werefertoas‘kinaesthetic’,to‘makesense’oftheworldaroundusandcreatethethoughts, feelings, emotions and choices that turn intoour lives.Our lives areshaped from thisverybasic levelof internalpictures, soundsand feelings,butthere’smore.

AuditorydigitalsubmodalityInadditiontothethreesubmodalitiesdescribedabove,thereisoneotherfactortoconsiderhere.Nottocomplicatethings,but‘fact-or’ is infactareallygoodwordfor it.Somepeople tend tobewhatwe inNLPcall ‘auditorydigital’. Inother words, they appear to process fact but with very little in the way ofaccessing any other internal systems.You’ll know them though; those are thepeople who, when you are talking to them, tend to stare straight ahead andanswerinratherobviousandlesssubjectivetermsthanmost.

Simplyput,predominantlyauditorydigitalpeopledealwithlogic.Tooutlinethedifference between auditory and auditory digital submodalities, try out thefollowingexampleandseeifyoucanspotthedifference.Thefirstexampleisofan auditory digital response, whilst the second is an example of a standardauditoryresponse.

AD:‘YouhaveprovidedmewithawaytoproceedthatmakessensetomeandI

wouldliketohavemoredetailsnow.’

A:‘YouhavetoldmeofawaytoproceedthatsoundsgoodandIwouldliketohearallaboutit.’

Anauditorypersonmaysay,‘Ican’thearwhatyouaresaying’or‘thisdoesn’tsoundright’.Anauditorydigitalpersonmaysay,‘thereisnologicinwhatyouaresaying’orsimply,‘thisdoesnotmakesensetome’.

The person who is primarily auditory digital uses words like logic, commonsense,reason,system,understand,think,analyse,know,learn;andphraseslikeduediligence,I’llconsidertheidea,tosumup,tomakesenseof.Youwillnoticelittle or no emotion in their language andvery fewassumptions or constructs;theyareinterestedinthefacts,justthefacts.Acutetrickisjusttorememberthatsomethingwhich is ‘digital’ iseither1or0,onoroff.Therearenoshadesofgrey;it’seitherblackorwhite.

In the next chapter, I’ll explainwhywe are never really starting froma cleanslate, but alsohow to change all that faster thanyou think.But for now thinkback to your favourite happy memory again and complete this framework,noticingwhatyounoticeaboutwhat’sthereontheinsideandjustasimportantlywhat’snot,thepartsyouhavetoleaveblank.

Completingasubmodalitieschecklist

VISUAL(picture)

Isthepictureblackandwhiteorcolour?

Isitnearorfar?

Isitbrightordim?

Whereisit?Pointtoitandnoteitslocationinspace.

What’sthesizeofthepicture?

Areyouseeingitthroughyourowneyes?

Orseeingitfromsomewhereelse?

Isthepictureframedorpanoramic?

Isitamovieorstill?

Isit3Dorflat?

AUDITORY(sound)

Whichdirectionisthesoundcomingfrom?

Isitinternalorexternal?

Isitloudorquiet?Rateonascaleof1–10.

Highorlowpitch?

Tonality?

Quality–clearormuffled?

Rhythm?

KINAESTHETIC(feeling)

Location,whereinyourbody?

Size…thesizeofa…?

Texture?

Intensity?

Movement,whichdirection?

Temperature–warmorcool?

Pressureandweight–heavyorlight?

Now, more than ever before, ‘how’ you are in the world is so much moreimportantthanwhoyouareorwhatyouknow.Howyouuseyourownmindisgoingtobethedifferencethatmakesallthedifference.Beforeyoustarttryingtouse these techniques onorwith anyone else, please first get to knowyou andhowyouare‘wiredup’,thenusethatnewknowledgetomakenewchoicesandanewlife,orattheveryleast,anewexperienceofit.

Chapter3

Making‘sense’ofNLP

Welearnedinthepreviouschapteraboutourinternalrepresentationsystemandhowdifferentpictures,soundsandfeelingsaffectus.Butinordertoassesswhatis important andwhat is not and therefore know how tobe,we need to havesome way of filtering the many thousands of pieces of information we arepresentedwitheveryday.Clearly,theycan’tallbeequallyimportant,butwhatwechoosetomakeimportantverymuchshapesourmapoftheworldaroundus.

Putverysimply,wetakeininformationviathosemainsenses–visual,auditory,kinaesthetic–andpassit throughafilterofourpreviouspersonalexperiences,theprocessofwhichdeletesinformationthatweperceivenottobeimportantorrelevant to us.We also distort some of it in the process and then generalizewhat’sleftinordertomakeitfitintooneofthenicegroupingswealreadyhave.Wepigeonholeit,ifyoulike,sothatweknowwhattodowithitataninternalsensorylevel.Youmayhavealreadynoticedsomebigdifferencesbetweenwhatyounotedinthe‘submodalitieschecklist’andtherealityoftheeventyouwereactually remembering, especially if you were seeing it from somewhere else,whenclearlyyousawitthroughyourowneyesatthetime.Italsowasn’tlikelytobeblackandwhiteorcompletelysilenteither…interestingeh?Whatdidyounoticeforyourself?

Then think about it like this for a moment in amore general sense. If we’restartingaconversationaboutcars,then,ifyouarevisual,animageofsomethingtodowithcarsprobablyjustpoppedupinyourmind.Whatwasit?BecauseI’llbetitwasverydifferentfromtheimagethat’sinmymind’seyeasIwritethis.Anditwillbedifferentinthemind’seyeofeverysinglepersonwhoeverreadsthis.Whatcolourwas thecar?Or is thepictureblackandwhite?Whatmake?Whatmodel?Howmanyseats?Whereisthecar?Howbigisthepictureofthe

car?Andisitmovingorstill?Areyouseeingitthroughyourowneyesorfromsomewhereelse?Isitacaryouhaveorhavehadoroneyou’dliketoowninthefuture?Isthepictureframedorisitpanoramic?Areyouinsidethecaroroutsidethecar?Isthepictureevenofacar?Orisitsomethingtodowithacar?Isitamovie calledCars or a movie about cars, is it motor sport or the thought ofsomeonebeingknockeddownbyacarorofgoingonajourneyorbeingstuckintrafficandbeingfrustratedandlateforwork?Thereareall thesevariablesandmanymore, butwe canmake themall fit rather neatly into the pigeonhole of‘cars’withoutevenamoment’sconsciousthought.

Themapisnottheterritory

In NLP, we often refer to this process with the phrase ‘the map is not theterritory’. It certainlyrepresents the territory,but it isnot thesameas the realthing.Clearly,wecaneasilygetthatbecause,ofcourse,amapismuchsmallerthan thearea itself; itdoesnothaveanyof thefeaturesof theareabut insteadthey are displayed using symbols, visual codes that showuswhat iswhere inrelationtosomethingelsebutverylittleoftheactualdetail.Evenwiththemostaccurateanddetailedmap,somuch information ismissing.Thinkofamapofsomewhere you know really well. How accurate is it? Is each individualstreetlightorpaving stonemarkedon themap?Areyouyourselfon themap?No?Whatanoversightthatis…youmeantosaythatallofthatinformationhasbeendeletedrightoffthemap?Wow!OK,now,doestherailwaytrackgointhatnicestraightlineandarethestationsallnicelyspacedatevenintervals?No?Soit’sadistortedmapthentoo…Well,isthelocalhospitalatleastblueandintheshapeofanH?Andaretheroadsreallythosecolours?No?Whatkindofmapisthis? Have those things been simply generalized to make it easier for you tounderstandandmakesenseof?Exactly!

Andnomatterhowgoodanddetailedamap,itisalwaysfullofthosedeletions,distortionsandgeneralizations…Just likethementalmapof theworldinyourmind.

Wefilteroutwhatweperceivewedon’tneed;wedistortinformationtomakeitfit and thenwe generalize to allow us to neatly file away that experience forstorageandeasyaccess later.Butwhat if, insteadofmaking therailway lines,roadsandhospitalsimportant,wechosetofilterthoseoutandfocusonthetrees,hillsandrivers?Doyouthinkyou’devenrecognizetheplacewhereyoulivejustfromthosereferencepointsonamap?

HowaboutifyoudidthatwithabigcitylikeLondonorNewYork?Couldyounavigate yourway aroundwithout your usual reference points? I doubt it, butyouwouldbeinexactlythesamecity.Nothingatallwouldhavechangedintherealworld andyet youwouldbe completely lostwithoutyourusual referencepoints.Nothing has changed exceptwhat you have chosen tomake importantandthatisexactlythesameinyourmind.

Ifyoustoreonesetofdataandrepresentitinacertainway,thenyouwillhaveone experience, but as soon asyou store adifferent set of dataor hold it in adifferentway (about exactly the same thing), youwill have a totally differentexperienceandnothingwhatsoeverneedstochangeintherealworldtomakeithappen.Yoursubjectiveexperiencecanchangeinaheartbeat,muchfasterthanyou think, in fact.When you knowhow and as a goodNLPer, youwill haveenough flexibility in your map of the world to adjust to anyone else’s too…Fromnowon,it’snotanyoneelse’sresponsibilitytogetyou;asNLPers,itisourresponsibilitytobegot.

InPartII,youwillbegivenalltheknow-howyouneedtomakereallypowerfulchanges in yourmind and therefore in your life and the lives of others too…lookforwardtoit.

Whenit’snotamap:AuditorydominantButwhatifyouarenotpredominantlyvisual?Whatifsoundsaremuchmoreofadriverforyouthanpictures?Well,inthatcase,whatI’vejustsaidwouldhavemademuch less sense to you than to someonewho ismore visually oriented.Nothingwrongwiththatatall,it’sjusthowyouandtheyarewiredup…Ifyouaremore auditory dominant, then it’s likely the surround sound at the cinemathatdoesitforyouorthebigbankofampsandspeakersattheconcert.You’reprobablythekindofpersontowhomthestereointhecarisjustasimportantastheengineandyoucanrememberatelephoneconversationasthoughthepersonwere speaking toyou rightnow.Youwill be reading this clearly inyourownvoice,andinyourreadingvoiceatthat.Thatisjusthowyouarewiredup.

Nowand,justfornow,readthenextfewlinesinyourreallyboredvoiceandseewhateffectthathasontheexperienceofreadingthisbook…OK,actually,that’senoughofthat.Now,readthenextpartinyourmostcurious,fascinatedkindofvoice that evenmakesyou feel likeyouare sittinga little further forwardandreallytakingitallin…OK,good,andnoticethedifferenceinyourstateandinhowmuchmoreyouretain,eventhough,yetagain,nothinghasactuallychanged

intherealworld.HearwhatI’msaying?

Aswe’ve said already, the vastmajority of the time, the realworld is not theproblem;oursubjectiveexperienceofitis.Butwecanchangethatsothere’snoproblemthereeither;it’sallgood.

Whenit’snotamaporvoice:KinaestheticdominantButwhatifpicturesdon’treallydoitforyouandyoustruggledtoseemypointand, while you can read these words, you can’t replay the sound of yourselfreadingthem…butoh,howyoulookforwardtoclimbingintobedtonightandallthecomfortablefeelingsthatgowithit?

You are also most likely to be someone who has a lot of different texturesaround your home, like a leather sofa with fluffy cushions or carpet in someroomsandtilesonthefloorinothersandwhenyougoshopping,youpickthingsupandgivethemagoodsqueezeandfeeltheminyourhandsbeforedecidingtobuy themornot. Ifyou’re thatperson, thenyouarekinaesthetically (feelings)dominant.That’sabsolutelyfinetoo;thereisnorightandwronghere,onlyhowyouare.

Wearehowweareinthisrespectandrememberthatnooneis100percentanyone representation system.We all filter the world through all our senses andrepresentation systems, but we definitely do have an order of preference ordominance.

Asyoureadthis,youmighthavefoundthat the thoughtof thevisualsandthefeelingsresonatedwithyoumost.Ormaybeitwasthepicturesandsoundsthatreallystruckachord,orthesoundsandthefeelingsthatyouweremostabletoget to grips with. Whatever it was, you have just learned something reallyimportant about yourself, something thatwewill continue to explorewith thesamecuriosityallthewaytotheendofthisbookandbeyond.

Takethisquicktesttoseewhichrepresentationsystempreferenceyouhave.

Definingyourrepresentationsystem

Forthisexercise,youwillneedaclock,apieceofpaperandapen.You’lllikelyalreadyhaveabigclueastohowthiswillgofromyoursubmodalitiesworksofar,butthiswillreallyhelpyoudefinehowyourrepresentationsystemworks.

So,forthenexttwominutes,describeyourhomeusingonlyvisualwords.Then,for the next two minutes, use only auditory words. Then, for the next twominutes, use only kinaesthetic words and for the final two minutes use onlyauditorydigitalwords.

Hint: For visual, you can describe the different colours, shapes and generallywhat you can see; for auditory, the different sounds and also the differentthoughtsyouhavewhile inyourhome(soundsontheinside);forkinaesthetic,different feelings or textures; and for auditory digital, you can use facts andfigures.

Noticewhichmodality(ormodalities)givesyouthemosteaseandalsowhichisthemostdifficult.

Whydoesitmatter?

Weallhaveapreferredrepresentationalsystem(someofushavemorethanone)for our conscious thinking. In order to bring something to our consciousawareness, we use a lead representational system. Your lead representationalsystemmaybe the same as your preferred representational system and itmaynot.

Forexample,assumemypreferredrepresentationalsystemisvisualandmyleadrepresentational system is kinaesthetic. If someone asks me about my lastholiday, I may first get in touch with all of the good feelings about my tripbeforefullybringingupthepicturesinmymind.

Leadrepresentationalsystemsmayvarybetweencontexts.Forexample,beforeaccessingthefeelingsassociatedwithaverydistressfulevent,Imaychoosetofirst access the event through pictures and then ease myself into the feelingsassociatedwiththeevent.

Nowit’syourturn…

Yourleadrepresentationalsystem

Howaboutyou?Thinkofahappytimeandnoticetheorderorsequenceofyourownsensoryexperienceandthendothesameforasadtime.

So,you’re_____________thenwith_____________secondaryandthenwith

______________followingalonginthirdwhenhappy.

Butyou’re_____________thenwith_____________secondaryandthenwith______________followingalonginthirdwhensad.

OK,cool.

Thiswillbe reallyuseful informationasyoucontinue through theexercises inPart II, whenwe’ll also be accessing that ‘happy time’ ormemory again andputtingittogooduse.

Butwhat ifyouareworking, living, communicatingwith someonewho isnotthesameasyou?

Sometimes,wejustdon’tspeakthesamelanguage

Haveyoueverhad theoccasion toexplain something to someoneand they’vesaid,‘Idon’tseewhatyouaresaying,’or‘Ican’tpicturethis.’What’sgoingonhere? One possibility is that they are highly visual and you have been usingwordsother thanvisual references;hence, theyarehavingdifficulty formingapicture of your explanation in theirmind.Andhowdoweusuallyhandle thissituation?We repeat the samewordsover again,only this timeLOUDERandSLOWER,asobviouslytheysimplydidnothearus!

Givenwhatyouknownowandcreating that flexibility inyourownmap,howcanyouapproachthisdifferentlysothepersoncanseewhatyouaresaying?Ofcourse, theycan’tactuallyseewhatyouaresaying,but thewordsyouusecanhelp them form a picture in their mind and, of course, that’s what we reallymean,isn’tit?

Well,onepossibilityistousevisualwordstohelpthemmakeapictureintheirmindoralternatively,youmaywishtodrawthemadiagramoranactualpicture.

And of course, it is not just visual peoplewhomay have difficultywith yourexplanation.Anauditorypersonmaysay,‘Ican’thearwhatyouaresaying,’or‘It doesn’t sound right tome.’Well, of course, they canphysicallyhearwhatyou are saying and there is nothingwrongwith the volume atwhich you aresaying it,butwhat’smaking itunclear is that thewordsyouareusingarenotcreatinganinternalexperiencethattheycanmakesenseofandnavigatearound.Thiscouldsimplybebecausetheyhavenoexperienceormapforit,soweneedto help them to find something that they do recognize and then help them to

navigatefromthere.

Akinaestheticpersonmightsay,‘Ican’tgrasp(orgetahandleon)whatyouaresaying,’or‘Idon’thaveafeelingforthis.’Anauditorydigitalperson:‘Thereisnologicinwhatyouaresaying,’or‘Thisjustdoesnotmakesense.’

Reallypayattentiontothewordspeopleareusing;theyarerevealingtoyouhowthey see,hear, get in touchwithormake senseof theworld around themandhowtheyconstructtheirmapoftheworld.

Thinkaboutthis.Haveyoueverfoundyourselfinwhatwemightcalla‘heatedagreement’withsomeone,or is theresomeonewithwhomlotsof thingsdofitbutforsomereasonthatyoucan’tquiteputyourfingeron–youjustdon’tgetalong, or you fall out over silly things a lot of the time? You’ll have heardyourself complaining that they just don’t ‘get’ you and yet others have noproblem,soitcan’tbeyourfault,canit?Well,yesandno.

Thewordsyouuseandhear

Themostlikelycauseforthemiscommunicationortheirnot‘getting’youisthatyouaregoing fromoneplace (or representational system)and theyare rightlycomingfromtheirs;it’sjustadifferentplace.Sowhileyoumaywellbothhavethebestofintentions,youstillmanagetofalloutalotofthetime.Isaidyouarebothrightandwrongbecause,firstofall,Iwantyoutothinkofitasifyouareboth speaking slightlydifferent languages.Actually, dialectsmight be a betterwaytothinkofit.Yourecognizeandunderstandmostofwhattheyaresaying,butsomepartsarejustlostinthefogoftranslationinyourownmindandsoyoutendtofillintheblanksyourself,makingitupinordertomakesenseofit.

Theproblemwith that,givenwhatweknownow, is thatyouarebothalreadydeleting, distorting and generalizing anyway so now you are adding in anelementofmaking itup to themake it fit so that itmakessense,butyouveryquickly end up in a place very far from reality. Then, factor in that weunderstand that thought leads to feeling,meaning thatyouaregenerating falsefeelingsandhavetwopeoplewithemotions, toooftenfalseemotiontalkingtofalseemotion,ratherthanpersontoperson.Whenyouactuallythinkaboutit,it’sawonderweevergetanythingdoneandevenmoreofamiraclethattheglobalpopulationcontinuestogrowatsucharate.Let’sgetbacktopersontopersoninsteadofemotiontoemotion,eh?

Thenofcourse,youalsoget theopposite,whereyou justclickwith someone.Theydon’tnecessarilyhave tohaveanyof thesamenormalcultural referencepointsand,infact,youdon’tevenhavetohavethesamefirstlanguage,butforsomereasonyoujustclickandgetonlikeahouseonfire.Thatisverysimplybecauseyoubothsharethesamefundamentalrepresentationsystembasesotheywillseeyourpointasyousee theirs.Or theymighthearwhatyouare sayingwhiletheirremarksreallystrikeachordwithyouorperhapsyouarejusteasilyabletogettogripswithitastheyfinditeasytograspwhatyouaresaying.

Now have a look back at all the words and phrases in italics. What do younotice?Theyareallverycommonphrases thatweuse ineverydayspeechandlife,butdoyounotice that theyarenicelypaired:visual-to-visual,auditory-to-auditory and kinaesthetic-to-kinaesthetic? Did you also realize that withoutthinkingaboutit,thewordsweuseallday,everydaytellussomuchmorethanjusttheinformationwearetryingtoconvey.

LetmeputyouinthepicturesothatyoucanclearlyhearwhatIamsayingandgetaproperhandleonthis.

No onewould ever say that, because in that sentence,we have all threemainrepresentationalsystemswellrepresented.Fromthevisualteam,wehaveletmeput you in the picture representation; for the auditory, we have so you canclearlyhearwhat I am saying and from thekinaesthetic there isget a properhandleonthis.

Doyouseemypoint?Sorry,Icouldn’tresistthat.

Inthenextsection,wewillreallylookathowweuselanguageliterallyandhowtouseitproperlytogetwhatyouwant,evenifthat’sjustfromyourself.

Literallanguage

Wealluselanguagereallyquiteliterallyalthoughyoumaynothaverealizedittill now. The phrases and figures of speech that we choose (subconsciously),called ‘predicates’, indicate so much more about us than we think; they alsoindicatehowwethink.

AsagoodNLPer,youwillhavetheflexibilityinyourownapproachtobeableto communicate clearly, effectively and even persuasively with anyone, nomatterwhichrepresentationsystemthey(oryou)arecomingfrom.

This bringsme rather neatly to another phrasewe touched on earlier that youwillhearalotinNLP:‘Themeaningofcommunicationistheresponsethatyouget.Thissimplymeansthatitisnolongertheresponsibilityoftheotherpersonto‘get’you;itisyourresponsibilitytobegot.Howmanytimeshaveyouheardpeoplederideothersbecause‘theydon’tunderstandme’?Well,fromnowon,itisnottheirfault;everyonehasthecapacitytomakesenseandtomakesenseoftheinformationtheyarepresentedwith.Soifsomethingdoesn’tmakesense,itcanonlybebecauseitisnotbeingpresentedinthecorrectway.

It’skindof like thedifferencebetween ‘lecturing’and ‘learning’. In lecturing,the information comes out and that’s about it;what happens next is up to thestudent.Theresponsibilityofthelectureris toinformtheiraudienceandthat’swhereitends;thefactsarefiredoutthereandthenforgottenabout,sadlyandalltoooften,bytheaudience.Idon’tknowaboutyours,butthatwascertainlyhowmyeducationwent.Buthowdifferentwouldit(andyourlife)beifinsteadtheemphasis were on ‘learning’? How would it be if the meaning of thecommunicationwastheresponsethattheteachergot?Howwoulditbeifyourteachersweremeasuredonhowmuchlearningyoudidandhowmuchyougot,not simply howmany hours they spent sending it out there for you to makewhatever sense of it you could?Theworld of educationwould be an entirelydifferentplace,that’sforsure!

Sofromnowon,foryouandIat least, themeaningofyourcommunicationistheresponsethatyouget,soifatfirstsomeonedoesn’tgetit,trysomethingelse.Ifyouaresomeonewhoisprimarilyorientedinavisualsenseandtheyaremoreauditory, you can begin by trying to includemore auditory references in yourconversation and see how that resonates better for them. Give it a shot andnoticehowyougeton.

NLPKnow-how

Makesuretheconversationisameaningfuloneifyouwanttofindsomegoodpredicatestoworkwith,becausepeoplewillnotonlytellyouwhichtheirdominantrepresentationalsystemis,butalso,ifthere’saproblem,theywillveryoftentellyouhowtofixitifyoulistencloselyenoughanduseyournewskills.Belowyou’llfindthatlistagainforreference.

Reallylistentolanguageliterally

Howmanylanguagepredicatereferencescanyouspotinthenextconversationyouhave?

VISUALUsuallymemorizebymakingpicturesandlesslikelytobedistractedbynoise.Oftenhavetroublerememberingaudibleinstructions.Theyareinterestedinhowsomethinglooksand,eveniftheycanrememberthesound,theywillmostlikelymakeapictureofitfirst.

See

Look

View

Appear

Show

Dawn

Reveal

Envision

Illuminate

Imagine

Clear

Foggy

Focused

Hazy

Crystal

Picture

AUDITORYTypically are easily distracted by noise. They can repeat things back to youeasily and learn just by listening. They like music and talking on the phone.

Tone of voice and thewords used are usually very important. You can upsetthemnotbywhatyousaybutjustbyhowyousayit.

Hear

Listen

Sound(s)

Makemusic

Harmonize

Tunein/out

Beallears

Ringsabell

Silence

Beheard

Resonate

Deaf

Mellifluous

Dissonance

Question

Unhearing

KINAESTHETICOften speak slowly and feel theirway. They respond to physical rewards andtouching.Theymemorizethingsbestbydoingit,walkingthroughorrehearsingsomething.Theywillbeinterestedinasolutionthatfeelsrightorgivesthemagoodgutfeeling.

Feel

Touch

Grasp

Getholdof

Slipthrough

Catchon

Tapinto

Makecontact

Throwout

Turnaround

Hard

Unfeeling

Concrete

Scrape

Getahandleon

Solid

AUDITORYDIGITALTend to spend a fair amount of time talking to themselves. Superfluousinformation annoys them and they memorize by steps, procedures andsequences. They can also sometimes exhibit characteristics of any otherrepresentationalsystem.

Sense

Experience

Understand

Think

Learn

Process

Decide

Motivate

Consider

Change

Perceive

Insensitive

Distinct

Conceive

Know

IfChapterOnewasaboutpayingattentionwithyoureyes,thenthischapterhasbeenallaboutpayingattentionwithyourears.ThebestNLPersarenottheoneswhoaretheslickestwiththevarioustechniques,theyaretheoneswhopaymostattention and noticemost, just as the best doctors are the oneswho are reallygood at diagnosis andnot justwritingprescriptions.Themoreyounotice, themorechoiceyouhave,soit’stimetopayrealattention,notjusttothestorybuthowitisconstructed,evenifyou’retheonetellingthatstory.

Chapter4

Fromawarenesstochange

Weknowfromearlierthatthewaywerepresentimages,soundsandpicturesinourmindsiswhatcreatesoursubjectiveexperienceoftheworldaroundusandthatallbehaviourisaproductofthestateofmindyouareinatthetime.Now,let’sexplorejusthowquicklywecanchangethatwhenweknowhow.Andjusthoweasyitcanbetospotwhereandhowtomakethatchangeinthosearoundus.

Richard Bandler, the founding creator of NLP, often talks of ‘finding thedifferencethatmakesthedifference’tome.Thepictures,sounds,feelings,tastesand smells we represent on the inside to create our states are a lot likeingredients when we are cooking. They are all variable, but they have to becombinedandtreatedinacertainwaytogetthesameoutcome.Letmeexplain.Say,forexample,weweremakingachocolatecake.Notbeingof theculinarypersuasion myself, I have taken counsel from my wife, Claire, and havingsampledtheexample(hey,youhaveto test these thingsandIamnotgoingtopassanythingontoyouwithouttestingitmyself…)Icantellyouthatafairlybasic but very tasty chocolate cake usually contains flour, butter, sugar, eggs,vanillaessenceand,ofcourse,chocolate!

Obviously, the ingredientsmust bemixed in the correct quantities and in thecorrect order and then baked for the desired time at the correct temperaturebeforeyoucanenjoy the fruitsofyour labours,chocolatecakeandacoffee…yum!

Well,it’sexactlythesameinyourhead,onlyinNLP,wecallthoseingredients‘submodalities’, which are all the variables we have in the pictures, sounds,feelings,tastesandsmellswerepresentontheinside.

So if you are predominantly visual, you will make pictures and use visualreferencesnaturallyinyourlanguage,right?

Butthereisalittlemoretoitthanthatbecause,justaswithchocolatecake,wehave lots of variables to consider ifwewant to create theoptimumcake (andremember that, by cake, we reallymean ‘state’). Then, within those pictures,sounds, feelings, tastes and smells,we also have lots of subconscious choicesabouthowwedothat.

NLPKnow-how

Imagine(ifyouarevisual)thatthepictureyoumakeisbigandbrightandmoving,asthoughyouwereseeingamovieonthebiggestscreenimaginableandin3Dtoo.Doyouthinkthatwillbemoreorlessemotivethanwatchingexactlythesamemoviebutonatinyscreen,say,setonthebackoftheseatinfrontofusonanaircraftor,worse,viewingastillfromthemovieinblackandwhiteinanewspaper?Whilethespecificcontentoftheimagemaybethesameandtheplotlineisobviouslyexactlythesame,thewholeexperiencecouldnotbemoredifferent.

Thesameistrueforsounds.Contrasttheexperienceofattendingaconcertorlisteningtoareallygoodstereowithlisteningtoacracklyoldradioorevenbyjustturningthevolumedownfromthelevelthatmakesyoufeelgoodtoaquietwhisperandmovingitintothebackground.Somesmallchangescanchangeeverything…anditisexactlythesameinourminds.

Sobacktoourchocolatecake…let’ssaythatwedidn’twanttomakechocolatecake(that‘state’)anymore.Infact,let’ssaythatforsomereasonchocolatecakewascausinguspainandwewantedtochangeit.Well,wehavesomeoptions:we can change any of the submodalities (ingredients), but obviously some ofthemwillhaveamoreprofoundeffectthanothers.Let’ssayforexamplethatwefirst of all took out or turned down the amount of sugar.Whatwould that belike?Well,itwouldbealotliketheoriginalcake.Itwouldevenlookexactlythesame, but it just wouldn’t be quite as sweet when we tasted it. So there’s adifference,forsure,butnotmuchofadifferencereallyandcertainlynottolookat.

Then,let’ssaythatwetookoutorturneddownthechocolate.Whatwouldthat

do? Itwouldmake quite a difference this time,more than just taking out thesugar,butwewoulddefinitely stillhaveacake, justnot chocolatecake.Let’snowsaythatwetookouttheflourbutlefteverythingelseexactlythesame,inexactlythesameproportions:wemixtheminthesamewayinthesamemixingbowl,andweput themin thesameovenat thesametemperaturefor thesameamountoftime.Witheverythingelseconstant,whatdoweget?I’mguessingakind of chocolate-baked omelette, but definitely NOT anything we wouldrecognizeaschocolatecake.

Andafterwebaked it like that,couldwe thengobackandadd in the flour toreturn it tocake?No,ofcoursenot.Thenewstate is just aspermanentas theoriginalversionandwillserveuswell.Whatwehaveeffectivelydoneisfound‘the difference that makes the difference’ and changed that. And when youchangethat,everythingelseconnectedtoitchangesautomaticallyallbyitself.

Creatingchange

Sohowdoyouchangesubmodalitiestochangeyoursubjectiveexperience?

Put simply, anything you can do to a picture, you can do to a picture in yourmind’seye.Ifit’scolour,youcanmakeitblackandwhite.Ifitismoving,youcanmakeitstill.Ifitisbig,youcanmakeitsmall;ifyouareseeingitthroughyourowneyes,thenyoucanviewitfromsomewhereelse.Ifitisclose,youcanmakeitfaraway.Thechoiceisalwaysthereandthechoiceisalwaysyours.

It’sthesamewithsounds.Youcanchangeloudtoquiet,aharshtonetoafunnyone, your own voice to someone else’s, even someone else who makes youlaugh,frominsideyourheadtooutsideyourheadorfromclosetofarawayandmany,manymore.

Of course, the same is true for feelings, tastes and smells, butwewill get tothoseinjustasecond.

Ifallthosethingsareinfactvariableandthelanguageweusetellsussomuchmorethanjustthecontent,whatdoyounownoticeinthefollowingstatements?

‘Ijustneedtogetsomedistanceontheissue.’

‘Ijustneedsomespace.’

‘Weneedtolookattheproblemfromanewperspective.’

Firstandhopefully,quiteobviously,theyallusevisuallanguage,butsecond(forbonuspoints),didyounoticethatnotonlyisthedistance,spaceorperspectivesignificant,butwearealsobeingtoldexactlywhatneedstohappeninordertomakeusfeelbetter.

Casestudy

OneofmyveryfirstandstillveryfastestpiecesofchangeworkeverhappenedwhenIworkedwithawomanwhowas‘stressedtothemax’(herwords)andafterabout30secondssaid,‘Ijustneedtogetsomedistanceontheissue.’

Iasked,‘Why,whereisitnow?’

‘Itfeelslikeit’srighthere,’shesaid,andheldherhandabouttwoinchesfromherface.

AsquickasyoulikeIgotup,walkedacrosstoherandmovedherhandouttoarm’slength,‘How’sthat’?Iasked.

‘Wow,’shesaid,‘thatissomuchbetteralready.’

Simpleasthat!Nowcalmer,wethencontinuedoursessiontohelpresolveherstress.

Whatwewillalmostcertainlyfindisthatifwecloseoureyesandthinkabouttheproblem,theimagethatcomestomindwillbeveryclose,tooclose,infact,and in being too close, it feels oppressive and uncomfortable. Doesn’t it justseemratherobviousthatifsomethingisuncomfortablyclose,movingitfurtherawaywillimmediatelyfeelbetter?Well,itdoestome…

Perhapsthat’swhyNLPfeltsointuitivewhenIwasalearnerjustlikeyou.Sowhataboutthephrase,‘weneedtolookattheproblemfromanewperspective’–whatdoesthattellyou?Well,it’sabitlikewhenyoumighthearajournalistask, ‘What’s theangleon thestory,’and, infact, it’sa lot likeyouexperienceyourselfwhenyougotothecinema.Fornow,justforgetaboutthemovieitselfandimaginethatyouwalkintoacompletelyemptymovietheatreandyoucansitanywhereyouwant.Wheredoyousit?Iwouldbeabouthalfwaybackandontheright-handsideasIlookedatthescreen.Whataboutyou?Weallhaveourpreferenceandforthemostpart,weassumethatit’sjustoneofthosethings.It’snot, in the cinema, we are orienting ourselves relative to the screen for best

effect.

Aswedelvedeeperintotheworkingsofthemindandourexperience,welearnthatitisnever‘justoneofthosethings’.Everythingwedo,wedoforareason.Allouractionsaretheresultofametaprogramthatwearerunninginourheadthatguidesusineverythingwedo:fromthewaywewalkandtalktothewaywereact in situations to the waywe feel and evenwhere we prefer to sit in themovies.If thephrase‘weneedtolookat theproblemfromanewperspective’tells us anything, it’s that the person saying it wants to look at things fromanotherplaceandanew‘angle’.Orperhaps,you’llalsohearthemsaythattheyarea‘bigpictureperson’.Alltheselittlefiguresofspeechtellussomuchabouthow someone is orienting things on the inside in order for them tomakebest‘sense’of it.Atthemovies,wecan’tmovethescreentosuitourselvesbutwecancertainlymoveourselvesinrelationtothescreen.

NLPKnow-how

Asaslightaside,onthefirstdayofschool,allthechildrenfileintoclassandchoosewheretheywanttosit…fornoparticularreason,justrandomlyorsoitseems.Mostoften,visualpeopletendtositnearthewindow,thebigpicturepeoplesitatthebackandthedetailguysandgirlsatthefront;thecreativesontheleftandthemorelogicalonesontheright.That’sjusthowitworks.Thentheteacherwonderswhythestudentsbythewindowarealwaysstaringoutofitdaydreaming.Well,unlesswhat’sintheroominfrontofthemisbiggerandbrighterandbolderandmoreengagingthanwhattheycanseeoutofthewindow,what’souttherewillalwaysgettheirattention.Andifitisn’t,theywillmakeuptheirownpicturesandinternalrealityanyway.

So,where’s your favourite place to sit in themovies or in a classroom?Nowimagine sitting in exactly the opposite location. If you’re a back and rightperson, then imaginesitting in the front left–howdoes it feel? It feelsweird,right? Nothing has happened any differently in the ‘real’ world – the moviehasn’tevenplayedyet–butjustsittingtherefeelsabitodd.Well,that’sbecauseweorientpictures in theway thatmakesmostsense tousand if thepicture iscomingfromthewrongplace,itjustdoesn’tfeelquiteright.

Listenforvisualreferences

From now on, listen very carefully for visual references in conversations youhave(especiallywhenyouarenottheonespeaking)andnoticewhentheperson(even if it’s you) is setting out exactlywhat’s happening and how tomake itbetter.

Butwhatifyoudon’thearmanyvisualreferences?Whatifthepersontendstobemuchmoreauditory?I’msureyou’veheardpeoplesaythingslike,‘IfIcouldjust stop this nagging doubt’ or ‘I’m worried sick’. You’ll have heard thoseexpressions andmore, I’m sure. ‘I hear you loud and clear’ or to ‘tune in’ towhatsomeoneissayingoreven‘unheardof’(lookagainatthechecklist)areallexamplesof auditory languagebeingused toclearly illustrate (touse avisualreference)thatthepersonisconstructingtheirsubjectiveexperienceprimarilyinanauditorysense.

Sowhatdoyou thinkwedo if ‘I justneed toquietmy thinking’?What is theproblem?Well,weallhavemuchmorecontrolthanweperhapsthinkwedoandso,ifyouweretoaskthepersontoclosetheireyesand‘tunein’towhathappensinsideofthemwhentheythinkaboutthesituation,youwillmostlikelyfindthattheir thoughtsare too loud.Youcanplaywith thisforyourself rightnow, too.HaveyoueverhadtheexperienceoflisteningtotheradioorTVandthevolumeis just one little incrementhigher thanyouwould ideallyhave it? It’s just notright,isit?Andalso,justhowannoyingisit?Toillustratemypoint,closeyourown eyes and think a nice relaxing thought. How about simply ‘relax, relax,relax…’?Nowasyoudothatnoticehowitfeelsinyourbody.ThenIwantyouprogressively to turn up your own internal volume until you are shouting‘RELAX,RELAX,RELAX’toyourselfinyourmind.Howdoesthatfeelnow?Anythingbutrelaxing,isn’tit?

Sowith theperson’seyesclosed,oryours if it’syou(just so that theyarenotdistracted and can focus exclusively on the inside without the outside worldgettingintheway),askthemtoratehowtheyfeelonascalefrom1to10,with10beingmost annoyedand1being fineandcalm.Then, ask them to rate thevolumeoftheir‘thoughts’onthatsamescale,with10beingblaringlyloudand1beingnomorethanawhisper.Now,askthemtoturndownthevolumeontheirthoughtsjustlikeyouwouldturnitdownontheTVorontheradio.

Iamveryfortunatetohaveworkedwithmanydifferentpeopleinmycareer.Ithas even been said that perhaps I have done more one-to-one sessions thananyone else working in NLP today but, that aside, one particularly auditoryclientcomestomind.

Casestudy

Theconditionwassevere;theresultwasprofound,butthesolutionwasremarkablysimple.We’llcallmyclientDan(becausethatwashisname).Danhadonlyevereatenfivedifferentfoods:chips,breadandbutter,tomatosoup(strained),pizza(butonlycheeseandtomatopizza)andcustard.Hewasabout18whenhecametoseemebecausehewasfindingitincreasinglydifficulttohavea‘normal’lifewithsucharestrictivediet–nottomentiontheratherobvioushealthimplications.SoDancameandsatinmychairandwegotchattingaboutstuff…randomstuff,mainlygolf,whichhelovedtoplayand,asitturnedout,wasrathergoodat.

Itwouldallhaveappearedveryconversationaltotheuntrainedeyeorearbut,ofcourse,itwastoestablishhisdominantrepresentationsystemandhowheconstructedhissubjectiveexperiences.Heturnedouttobeveryauditorywithkinaestheticandthenalittlevisual.

Ibeganbyaskinghimwhathisworstfoodmemorywas.Immediatelyhesaid,‘Oh,that’seasy;itwasaChinesebuffet.WehadgoneasafamilytoseeaChristmasshowandstoppedforsomefoodontheway.Itwasdefinitelymyideaofhell.’

That’squitetypicalinmyexperience.Peoplecanalmostalwaysrememberthefirst,theworstandthemostrecentexperiencewithwhateveritisthattheyarescaredof.‘Sowhathappened?’Iasked.‘Notwhathappenedintherestaurant,that’snotparticularlyrelevanttohowtochangeit,whathappenedinyourhead?’

Foramoment,Danlookeddown,thinking,andthenfromsidetosideasthoughcheckinginwithsomethingandsaid,‘Well,thismightsounddaft,butwhenIseeafoodthat’snotonmysafelist,it’slikealittlevoiceinmyheadjustsays,“no,no,don’tdoit”andthenIjustgetscaredandbackawayorgostraighttooneofthethingsIknowIamOKwith.’(Ashespoke,Danpointedtotheleftsideofhisheadwithhislefthandandtohissolarplexuswithhisright,notdirectlybutsocasuallythatyou’dneverhavethoughtanythingofit.Afterall,peoplemovetheirhandsallthetimeanditdoesn’tmeananything,doesit?)‘Thatday,Irememberjusthavingchips.Irememberthedisappointmentonmymum’sfaceandalsofeelingreallydisappointedinmyself.PartofmereallywantedtotrybutIjustcouldn’tbringmyselftodoit.’

Plentytoworkwiththere,Ithought,butthemostobviousthingwasthevoiceinhishead.Now,Danclearlywasn’treally‘hearingvoices’,hejustmeanthisthoughts,thatlittlevoiceweallhaveinourheads–it’sustalkingtoourselves–andDan’sinternaldialoguewastellinghimwhattodo;hewasdoingjustthatandscaringhimselfwitlessintheprocess.

Twothingsweneedtoknowhereare,first,nomatterwhatthepatternorthebehaviour,yourbrainisnottryingtohurtyou;evenaseverelyphobicresponselikeDan’shadaverystrongpositiveintention.Inhiscase,theintentionwastokeephimsafefromtheperceivedthreatorthedangeroftryingsomethingnew.Second,obviouslywearenotgoingtobeabletochangeallthefoodintheworldsowe’rebacktochangingthesubjectiveexperienceofit,asalways.

Justlikewiththeexperienceofthemoviebeingmuchlessonasmallscreenthanitwouldbeatthecinema,Iwonderedhowloudthe‘voice’wasinhisheadandwhatthetoneofvoicewaslike.‘Oh,it’sloud,’hesaid,‘deafeninginfact,andinareallyharsh,almostpanickytone.’(Trytheexercise,‘Turningdownyourinternalvolume’,andyoucanexperiencethisforyourselfnow.)

Whenhethoughtaboutthesituation,evenyearslater,itstillcausedhimthatsamefeelingofpanicandfear.‘Turnthevolumeonthethoughtsdown,allthewaydown,’Isaid,‘andthenmovethesoundsothatit’srightoutsideyourhead,likeit’sonaspeakerthat’sgettingfurtheraway.’

Ashedidthatand,inabouttensecondsflat,hisshouldersdropped,hisfacerelaxedandwithoutanypromptingfromme,heletoutasighandsaid,‘Wow,it’sgone.’

‘What’sgone?’Iasked.

‘Thefeeling;Icanstillthinkofthesituation,Icanrememberit,butthathorriblepanicfeelinginmychesthasjustgone.’

Changehappensfast,andinmyexperience,italwayshappensfastwhenyougetitrightlikethis,butIwasn’tfinishedthere…

Hehadtoldusthatearlierwhenhesaid,‘Partofmereallywantedtotry,butIjustcouldn’tbringmyselftodoit.’AndnowIwantedtotakehisnaturalcuriosityandgetitworkingforhim,forachange,soIaskedhim,‘Youknowbeforeyouwenttotherestaurantandyouwerecuriousaboutwhatotherfoodmightbelike?Whatwasthatcuriositylike;howdidyouknowyouwerecurious?’

Thistime,hepointedtotherightsideofhisheadwithonehandandagaintohischestwiththeother,alittlehigherupthistime,ifyoucaredtonotice.Thistime,IwantedhimtobenavigatingmorebythefeelingsthanthoughtsandsoIsimplyaskedhimtogivethefeelinginhischestacolour,ashape,asizeandevenatexture,allofwhichhedideasily,andthensaid,‘Takethefeelinganddoubleitinsize.’Ashiscuriositygrewandgrew,Ianchoredthatkinaestheticallybytouchinghisshoulderwithmyhandandafterjustafewseconds,askedhimtoopenhiseyesandcomebackout.We’llgettothetechniqueofanchoringlater,butfornowallyouneedtoknowisthattimingiseverythingandasDan’scuriositygrewandIanchoredit,IreleasedtheanchorandopenedhiseyesjustasheapproachedwhatIcalibratedwasclosetopeakstate.

WhenIaskedhimtoclosehiseyesandtrytogetthememoryback,wouldyoubelievethathecouldn’t?Allhecouldfeelwasasenseofcuriosityandthelongerhestayedwithit,themoreitgrewinsidehim.

Knowingthatthismemoryhadbeentheworst,wethenrepeatedthepatternfromthefirstor,infact,thefirstthathecouldremember,asthisproblemhadexistedsincehewasabouttwoyearsold.Ilaterlearnedfromhismumthathehadneverreallymadethetransitiontosolids.Intheabsenceofmakingupanystoriesaboutthatandjuststickingtowhatwasthere,wefixedthemonebyone,theworst,thenthefirstandthenthemostrecent.

ItwasacoupleofdaysbeforeIheardfromDanagain;Ithinkitwasthedaythathediscoveredicecream.Thatdaywillgodowninhistoryasoneofthebestofhislife,Ithink,buthealsotoldmewhathappenedthedayheleftme.HemethisgranwhohadbroughthimtoGlasgowandtheywenttoanearbycafé.Withouteventhinking,Danorderedasandwichandacoffee–nobigdealyoumightthink,butunheardofforhim.Hisgranthensatandwatchedashefinishedthosebeforeworkinghiswaythroughmostoftheoptionsonthecakecounterandthenaskedwhatwasfordinner.

Inall,thesessiontookabout45minutes.Thedifferencethatmadeallthedifferencewasthatwhenhedidn’thavethethoughtinhishead,orhecouldn’tgetit,thenthefeelingjustnevercameandwhenthathappened,heallowedhimselftogobackhometohisowninnerwellbeingandcuriositythathadbeenthereallthetime.

NLPKnow-how

Remember,withtheprincipleofprimacy(thefirst)andregency(themostrecent)andthentakingtheworstandknowingthatpatternsofthreealwaystendtoworkbestinthesubconsciousmind.Forexample,youmightrememberTonyBlair’sspeechinwhichherepeated‘Education,education,education’tofullyembedhispointatapartyconferencepriortobeingelectedin1997.Or,goingbackfurtherintothehistoryofgreatorators,MargaretThatcher’sfamous‘No,no,no’speech.Thepatternoftriplerepetitionreallyhelpstoembedorbreakhabitsinthemind.Soifsomethingisworthsaying,it’sworthrepeating.Repetitioniskeyandthreetimesisking…soifit’sworthsayingit’sworthrepeating,gotit?

Repetitioniskey

Whatyouwillfindwithanauditorypersonisthatthevolumeisalmostdirectlyproportionaltotheirstate,butjustlikewithyouandtheTVvolume,ifit’sevenonly one increment too loud, they will have a tipping point. And when theirinternal volume is lower than their auditory threshold, they will almostautomaticallyrelaxbackintofeelingOK.

Turningdownyourinternalvolume

Justtryitquickly.Closeyoureyesif it’ssafetodoso.If it’snot, thenputthebookdowntooandconcentrate!Andjusttakeanyphraseyouwant,‘Mindthegap’,forinstance,butsayitREALLYLOUDLYandinapanickedtoneofvoicetoyourselfoverandoveragain.Howdoesthatfeel?

It feels abit frightening,doesn’t it?Well, if that’s justyoumaking somethingup,itshouldbecleartheeffectithasinthe‘real’world.Now,justforfun,thinkofanotherphrase,maybeonethatyouoftenuseyourself,butdoitinthesameloud, anxiousvoice. It feelsmuch the same, right?That’s because the contentdoesn’t reallymatter that much. Only 7 per cent of all communication is thewordsweuse;everythingelse,93percent,ishowweusethem.

WhenweuseNLPtherapeutically,oneofthegreatbenefitsisthatwedon’thavetogobackintothestoryanddigupallthoseoldpainfulmemoriesinordertotryto make it better; it’s just not necessary. The story doesn’t matter that muchanyway;aswealreadyknow, it isonlyeveratverymostanapproximationof

whathappenedand,aswealsoknow,itchangeseverytimeweaccessit.SoI’msure that you, like me, will find it difficult to understand how continuallyopeningupoldwounds justsoyoucan talkabout itandput labelson itcouldactually help make it go away. It just seems obvious that if you have a big,bright, bold, scary image in your mind’s eye or your internal dialogue isscreamingatyouandeverytimeit’striggered(consciouslyorsubconsciously),youfeel thefeelings thatgowith it, thenallyouhavetodotofeelbetter is tostopmaking those big scary pictures or turn the volume down or change thetone.

You can evenmake the samepicture or the samewords, but if it’s small andblackandwhiteor squeaky, funnyand insignificant, that’sexactlyhow itwillfeel.Easiersaidthandonethough,eh?Well,actuallyno…easierdonethansaid;that’s why I want you to use this book to guide you and practise, practise,practise. Repetition is the key here and you just need to get familiar withlisteningtolanguageliterallyandknowingwhattodo.

Soweknowwhattolookandlistenoutfor,butwhataboutthatthirddominantsetofsubmodalities,feelings?Beforewegointoexploringourfeelingsandhowto change them, it is important to remember the relationship between thoughtandfeelingandthenbetweenfeeling,actionandoutcome.

Thoughtsleadtofeelings,plainandsimple.Wemakepicturesandsoundsinourheads;wegenerallycall those thoughts,whichautomaticallycreate feelings inourbodies.Theproblemformostofus is thatwe’renotactuallyawareof thethoughtsbutareverymuchawareofthefeelings.

Feelings:They’reonthemove.

Feelings only tend to be noticed when they move; think about that and evenabout howwe tend todescribeour feelings.Most often,weuse somekindofmoving adjective, which is then associated with the precise area in the bodywherethefeelingsits.Forexample,lookatthefollowingoften-usedphrases:

‘Myheadwasspinning.’

‘Mystomachchurned.’

‘Myheartsank.’

‘Iwasdowninthedumps.’

‘Iwasashighasakite.’

In fact, lotsof the timewhenwedescribeouremotions,weascribeasenseofmovementordirectiontothem.

Casestudy

I’lltellyouaboutoneofmyextremevertigoclientsandlet’spayparticularattentiontothefeelings.Wehavealreadysaidthatfeelingsareonlyfeelingswhentheymove,buthaveyouevernoticedwhichwaytheymove?Iwasworkingwithaclienttheotherdaywhohadaterriblefearofheights,somuchsothatshecouldn’tevenstandonachairtochangealightbulb.Evenwhenshestoodonsomethinglessthanametrehigh,shewouldgetthisfeelingthatrushedupandforwardsanditfeltlikeshewasgoingtofalloff,almostlikeshewasbeingpulledforwards.Infact,theOxfordEnglishDictionary’sdefinitionofvertigois‘asensationofwhirlingandlossofbalance,associatedparticularlywithlookingdownfromagreatheight’.

‘Asensationofwhirling…’Soiteven‘officially’hasasenseofmovementtoitandwhenmyclientstoodonachair,thatsensationofwhirlingwhirledupandforwardsandtriedtopullheroversoshefeltlikeshewasgoingtofall.Becauseshefeltlikeshewasgoingtofall,herbrainkickedinandcreatedtherushofadrenaline,whichwecall‘fear’,inordertomakesuresheprotectedherself.Eventhoughshewasonlyalittlewayofftheground,thepositiveintentionwasclear;itwasjustturnedupwaytoohigh.

Soifupandforwardsfeltlikeitwaspullingherovertheedge,whatdoyouthinkchangingittobackanddownwouldfeellike?Well,Iwonderedtoo,sothat’swhatIdid.Igothertogivethefeelingacolour,atextureandtorateitonascaleof1to10astohowitmadeherfeelandthentomovethatfeelingoutside.Icounteddownfrom3to1andthenaskedhertoputthefeelinginreverse,sothatinsteadofitgoingupandforwards,itwentbackanddownandroundandroundlikethat.ThenIaskedhertotakethefeelingbackinsideherselfandkeepitgoingbackanddownandbackanddown.Hershouldersdropped,shegaveasighandsaidthatitfeltimmediatelyandcompletelydifferent.Ithenaskedhertokeepthefeelinggoinglikethatandtostepupontomychair,noproblematall,andagainallinamatterofminutes.

Smallchange,bigdifference

I am always looking for the seemingly small change that makes a really bigdifference.Justlikeremovingtheflourfromacakerecipe.Nomatterwhatelseyouhave,ifyoudon’thaveflourthenyoucan’tmakeacake;ifyouchangethekey submodality then you can’t construct the state either. NLP is a vast andvariedsubjectbutthefundamentalsareverysimple.

Remember,inordertobeanythingotherthanOK,wemustbedoingsomethingtotakeourselvesawayfromourownwellbeing.

Forpeoplewithvertigo,itisnotreallyafearofheightsthat’stheproblem.It’sthatwhentheyareuphigh,theyhaveafeelingintheirbodiesthat’spullingthemupandforwardsand it feels like theyarebeingpulledover theedge. It is thatfear of falling or being pulled over the edge that is the problem.We are onlyhard-wired to be afraid of two things – falling and sudden loud noises –everythingelseislearned.Soit’snotafearofheightsthat’stheproblem;it’safearoffallingduetothesensationofbeingpulledtowardsorovertheedge.Butwhenyoutakethatsamefeelingthatis‘whirling’upandforwardsinthebodyandspinitbackwards,sothatitgoesbackanddown(everyonehastheabilitytodo this;we just don’t realize it), then the feeling completely changes and notonlygoesaway,butyouactually feelmoreanchored,groundedandsafe.Andjust as with all these examples, nothingwhatsoever has changed in the ‘real’world!

Now, thinkof the termdepression.Whichwaydoesdepressiongo?Even justthinkingaboutthewordtendstopullyoudownthatway,doesn’tit?ItdoesformeandIjustdon’tunderstandwhyyouwouldlabelsomethingwithatitlethatactuallymakes it worse. How depressed do you think people would feel if itwerecalledsomethingmuchmoreuplifting?

Tome, depression is just anger or frustrationwithout the enthusiasm.But trytellingthattosomeonewhohasbeendiagnosedwith‘it’andI’mnotsurethey’dsee the funny side… if you get my point. But have you noticed howwe areencouragedtotalkaboutthingslikedepressionasiftheyaresomethingthatwecatchorthatjustkindofhappentous?‘Ohno,Icaughtadoseofthedepression;maybe it was from a door handle. How careless is it that all those depressedpeoplearespreadingitaroundtheplace.’

Youmaywelllaughnow,butdepressionisreallynolaughingmatter.Andwiththe number of prescriptions for antidepressants increasing exponentially every

year, itwould appear that never in thehistoryofmankindhas theworldbeenmoredepressed.Howcanthatbe?Veryfewofusareinphysicaldangereveryday.Very fewofuswonderwhere thenextmeal is coming fromand, for themostpart,wehaveshelter,securityandfriendship.Soifallourbasicneedsaremet,sowhyisitthatwearesodamndepressed?

Well,whatweknow,ofcourse, is that inorder tofeeldepressionoranyotherfeeling for thatmatter,wemust first do something in our heads to create thatfeeling.So,what is it thatpeopledo tomake themselvesdisappointedorevendepressed? Simple, they go inside and tell themselves stories in glorioustechnicolourabouthowthingsdon’tmeasureuptotheirexpectations.

Whenpolled,thevastmajorityofpeoplesayingtheywere‘depressed’citedthattheirlifewasabitofadisappointmentcomparedtowhattheyhoped/expecteditto be. Richard Bandler has a great line, which is that ‘disappointment takesadequate planning’,meaning that in order to be disappointed,wemust have apreconceivedideaofwhatsomethingisgoingtobeliketowhichtherealityfailstomatchup.

Think about another simple turn of phrase thatwe usewhen shopping: ‘I justcan’tfindwhatIamlookingfor.’Ifwereadthatliterallyasit’sintended,wecanclearlyseethatinordernottobeabletofindwhatwearelookingfor,thenwesimplymust have an idea of what that is. Youwill also have found yourselfbrowsing similar items before exclaiming, ‘It’s just not quite right.’ It doesn’tmatterwhatweareshoppingfor,fromblackshoesforworktoanewhouse,wego searching for what we are looking for.We try tomatch the reality of theoutsidewiththeconstructedimageontheinside,andwhentheydon’tmatchup,ormatchcloselyenough,thenwefeelthefeelingofbeingdisappointed.

Soif‘disappointmenttakesadequateplanning’andweknowthatweneedtodosomethinginordertofeelanythingotherthanourdefaultsetting(whichisOK),thenmightitbeanideatostopdoingit?Anddoyouthinkthatinstoppingdoingit,wewouldfeelbetter?Yes,ofcourse,andthatpartis,infact,automatic.

Butforthemostpart,wedon’tgetthatandsostartfromthepremisethatthereissomethingwrongwithus.Thefastestwaytofeelbadistocompareyourselftosomeoneelse.Inotherwords,comparewhatyouknowaboutyourselfwithwhatyouthinkaboutsomeoneelse.We’vealldoneit;pleasestopnow.

Youwillautomaticallyresetbacktohappymuch,muchfasterthanyouthinkassoonasyouloseyourattachmenttobelievingthethoughtsinyourhead.

Justbecauseyouthinkitdoesnotmakeittrue

In fact, the feelingsyou feel aremuchmore todowith thewayyouconstructthose thoughts than they are todowith the thoughts themselves.Youcan andwillautomaticallygobacktobeingOKassoonasyoubreaktheattachmenttotheexpectation.

Isayautomaticbecauseourdefaultsettingishappy.Infact,ifyouarestrivingtobehappy,youaredefinitelydoingitthewrongwayround.It’sabitliketryingtorelax;howdoyouevendothat?

Just as the nature ofwater is clear, thenature ofwehumans is to beOKandhappy,and somuchofwhatyouwill learn in thisbook iseffectivelyways topresstheresetbuttonandallowyourselftogobacktoOK.Forthatreason,therewill be nomaintenance, nothing to remember to do and absolutely nothing tokeep up. You will simply go back to being OK because, in the absence ofanything pulling youout of shape, that’swhat happens; yougo back to beingOK,justlikethat.

You’llhearmetalkalotabout‘pressingtheresetbutton’because,forme,that’swhatthisisallabout.NowIknowtherearelotsofpeoplewhowilltalkaboutusingNLPtocreate‘optimumstate’or‘buildingaresourcefulstate’,butforme,there isnothingmore ‘optimum’and ‘resourceful’ thanputtingpeopleback totheirnaturaldefault setting,which is tobeOK.Whenwestayoutofourownwayforlongenough,wetendtodojustgreat.

Thinkaboutthatforasecond.Whoandhowwouldyoubeifyouweren’tcaughtupinthethoughtsinyourheadandfeelingthefeelingsthatgowiththem?Well,you’dstillbeyou,right?ButI’mguessingyou’dbeaverymuchbetter,calmer,morecreative,loving,joyfulversionofyou.Andallyouhavetodoisletgo.

Playwithyoursubmodalities

Asasimpleguide,anythingyoucandotoapictureyoucandotoapictureinyourmind’seye.Anythingyoucando to soundyoucando to internal sound,whilefeelingsaregenerallyonlynoticedwhentheymoveorhaveasenseofsizeandshape.

Justplaywithitfornow…Closeyoureyesandthinkofthegoodmemoryfrombefore (seeexercise).Youcaneven referback to the ‘submodalitieschecklist’

too.Nowplayit…thinkofitasaTVthatyouhavecompletecontrolover.

Ifthepictureiscolourmakeitblackandwhite,ifit’smovingmakeitstill,ifit’sbig make it small… I’m sure you get the idea. Notice the difference to howmakingthesechangesmakesyoufeel.

Putitbackthewayitwasbefore,now.

Dothesameforanysoundsinthememory.Ifthesoundisloudmakeitquiet,ifit’s a harsh tonemake it soft or even funny. If the sound is inside your head,pushitfaraway.Justgothroughalltheentriesinyoursubmodalitieschecklistand change what you can and notice the difference, and the difference thatmakesthemostdifference.

Finally it’s time to pay attention to your feelings.Close your eyes and accessthatmemoryagain.Nowthistimepayattentiontowherethefeelingisinyourbody.Thinkofyourfeelingasanobject;whatsize,shape,colour,texturedoesithave?Whichdirectiondoesitmovein?Againanythingyoucandotoanobjectyoucandotothefeeling.Changethesize,shape,colour,texture,directionit’smovingoneatatimeandnoticethedifferenceitmakestohowyoufeel…cooleh?

InPartII,wearegoingtogetmoreintothetechniquesofNLP.Butnowthatwehavethefoundations,I’msureyoucanalreadyseejusthowquicklythingscanslot intoplacewhenyou listenproperly towhat people say and listen to theirlanguageliterallyforachange,becausewhenyoudothat,youcanreallybegintogetahandleonhowweconstructour subjectiveexperienceandunderstandwhatmakesustick.Justrememberthatwearealldifferent,butweallconstructourinternalrealityusingthesamebuildingblocksofpictures,sounds,feelings,tastes and smells, and that the storydoesn’tmatterwhenyoumake the screensmallerand the lyricsdon’taffectyou ifyoucan’thear themand that feelingsare only really feelings when theymove, but you can change that. Then youknowthatwhiletheworldmaywellbefixedandsolid,howwefeelaboutitisopen to change from any minute to the next and that change happens fast,always.

Sonowthatyouknowthatweallconstructourowninternalstates,pleasestopevery time you notice yourself say, ‘I think’ when you don’t have any realevidence; stop and know that you are really only taking a reality check fromyourownimagination.Howusefuldoyouthinkthatis?

Chapter5

Matching,mirroring,pacing,leadingand…commanding!

I’m sureyou’ll havehad the experienceofmeeting aperson for the first timeandknowing instantly that this is thesortofpersonyoucandobusinessorbefriendswith.Everythingyousayordoseemstoclickandyoujustfeelpleasedtoknow the other person. You may have walked away afterwards and saidsomethinglike,‘Wegotonlikeahouseonfirefromthefirstwordswespoke.’Oreven, ‘Itwas loveat first sight.’Clearly rapport isa feelingandavisual ifyoureallywanttobreakitdownlikethat.

Therearecountlessinstancesinourprivateandbusinessliveswhereweneedtobegincreatingrapportwithanotherperson.Itcanbesousefultobecomeskilledat rapportbuilding.Getgoodat it and it’ll standyou inverygoodstead inallareasofyourlifewithotherpeople.

Perhapsyouareattendinga job interview likeourcandidate earlier,hoping tomakeasaletoacustomerorwishingtocreateagreatfirstimpressionwiththeguyorgirlofyourdreams.Allgreatexamplesofrapportsituationsandwehaveallhadthatexperienceofjusthavingclickedwithsomeoneandfeelingthatwereallylikedthemandviceversawithouttrulyknowingthemthatwell.

Howaboutatapartywithstrangers?Haveyoueverfoundyourselffeelingmoreateasewithsome thanothers,even thoughyoudon’tknowanyof thematallwell? Almost as if you have nothing to base it on, nothing you can put yourfingeron,andyetthere’sdefinitelysomethingthere.

Youhave, Iknow,alsohad thecompletelyoppositeexperience. It seemsas ifyouare talking toabrickwall.Theotherpersonseems tohaveperhaps justaflicker,ornointerestatall,inwhatyouaresaying.Evenifyoustoodthereall

day,youareconvincedthatyouwouldmakenoprogressandyou’ddoaswelltalkingtoalamppost.

We thinkofpeople as easyordifficult toget alongwith,but it ismuchmorelikely thatwe justhaven’t taken the timeor trouble tocommunicatewitheachother properly.Wehave all been there, and it could happen again, but now itdoesn’thaveto.

Whydoweneedtocreaterapport?

Beingabletobuildgreatrapportwithanotherpersonisapowerfulskilltohavewhenusedecologically/honestly.Itallowsyoutoconnectwithanotherpersonsotheytrustyoumuchmoreandatadifferent level–herearesomeexamplesofwhenbuildingdeepandmeaningfulrapportisagreatthingtodo:

For anyone that works as a coach – being in rapport with your clientallowsthemtofeelatease;you’llgetabetterresultfortheclientastheyholdlessback.

Anyone thatworks ineducation– ifastudent trustsyou, theywill learnbetterandfaster.

Those in the medical profession – patients tend to open up more toprofessionalstheytrust;often,patientscanbenervousoranxioussoifthatpatient trusts you, it allows you to deliver a more relaxed and qualityservice.

Anyonewhoworksincustomerserviceorsalesorinfactanyonedealingwithpeopleorwhohelpsanyoneelseinanyway.

There are so many other examples, but what do you notice about the onesabove?

Theotherpersonalwayshasabetterexperiencebecauseofit!

Therearemanyways tobuildrapport–mostworkbestwhenyoupractise thetechniquessothatyouareabletodothemunconsciouslywithouteventhinking.

Match your client’s breathing: This automatically brings yourphysiologiesintoalignmentwithoneanother.Astheybreatheinandout,justmatchyourbreathingtotheirs.

NLPKnow-how

Ifyouaretalkingtoawoman,it’sprobablynotappropriatetolookatherchestgoingupanddown–youhavetobeinprettygreatrapportalreadyforthat.Butoftenyoujustcan’tseeaperson’sbreathinganyway.Sowhensheistalking,breatheoutwhileshespeaks,andbreatheinwhenshestops.Itisimpossibletospeakwithoutbreathingout(tryit)sothiswayyou’llbeperfectlyintimeeverytime.

Match their bodymovements: If they have their legs crossed, do thesame.Orperhaps(andalittlesubtler),crossanotherpartofyourbody.Iftheyleanforwards,matchthatmovementtoo…subtlythoughortheywilljustthinkyou’reabitodd.

Reflect their choice of words back to them: If they use visual words(see,looks,visualize,etc.)thenusethislanguagetoo–itmayfeelalittleawkward but it will allow you to build rapport faster and deeper, andunlessyouarereallyclumsy,theywillnevernotice.

You know the difference between theory and practice… in theory, everythingworks,butinpractice,youhavetoworkatit.

Buildingrapport

Thenexttimeyouareinameetingorsocialsituationwithlotsofotherpeopleandit’sallgoingwell,justtakealookaroundtheroom.Ibetthatthemajorityofthepeople’sbodylanguagewillbeinsynch:they’llallcrosstheirlegstogetherorleanbackintheirchairsatthesametime.Ifyoupayparticularattention,theywillbemoreorlessbreathingatthesameratetoo.Thisistruerapportinaction.

Ifyouthendeliberatelymismatchtheseactions,you’ll feelyourbodysteppingout of rapport.Youmay evennotice other people looking round at you and ashiftintheenergyintheroom.Tryit,it’soddbutitworks…then,whenyouareone-to-one with someone and you are in rapport, deliberately move in yourchair,takeadrinkofcoffeeorcrossyourlegsandnoticewhathappens.Ifyouareingoodrobustrapport,theywilldosomethingverysimilarwithinasecondortwo.

NLPKnow-how

Ifyouareinsales,donotaskfortheorderuntilyoucanmakethemdrinkorcrossoruncrosstheirlegs.Ifyoucan’tdothat,thenyoustillhaveworktodo!

Thisreallyisapowerfultechnique;useitwiselyandcarefully.

Breakingrapport

Iknowthismightsoundcounterintuitive,especiallyinachapteraboutbuildingrapport,butitisincrediblyusefultobreakrapport(evenifyoudon’treallymeanit)whenyouaretryingtogetyourownway.

Ineed tostate rightup front that Inevereverdo thiswith thoseclosest tomebecauseIamjustnotinclinedthatway.Iknowpeoplewhodo,butformethisstraysalittletoofarintomanipulationterritoryformyliking.However,Iknowmanypeoplewhousethistechniquetogreateffectineverydaylife.Myjobhereistoteachyouthetechnique;howyouuseit–well,that’suptoyou.

But be honest now, have you ever temporarilywithheld a hug or a kiss fromyourpartnerorbeenjustalittlebitstandoffishsothattheywillcometoyouforone instead? OK, think about it another way: if you have ever worked in aservicejob,youwillknowexactlywhatImeanhere.Let’ssayit’sarestaurantandallthedinersareenjoyinghavingacasuallunch.Youhavebeenchattingtosomeofthemandtheotherstaffandit’sallverycomfortableandfriendly,butthereisonecustomeraboutwhom,althoughtheywerepolitewhentheycameinandtheyhavenotcomplained,youhavethefeelingthattheyjustmight.Nothingisreallywrong,butsomethingyoucan’tquiteputyourfingeronletsyouknowthatit’snotquiterighteither.I’msureyouknowwhatImean.

Now I’mnot saying that in a restaurant, everyone is inperfectlymatched andmirrored rapport,but thisperson really isnotand it shows–sowhomdoyoumakethemostefforttoplease?It’sthiscustomer,isn’tit?Whetheryoulikeitornot, you do and that’s how most people feel when another person is out ofrapportwiththem.

Ingeneral,ashumans,weliketobelikedandforpeopletobepleasedwithusandwelike/need/cravethesocialfeedbacksowillgooutofourwaytogetit

MismatchingBreaking rapport state, or what NLP calls ‘mismatching’, and triggering thatdesire in the other person to come to you can be a very, very effective tacticwhen influencing conversations. And breaking rapport doesn’t have to be bybecomingsullenandquietandwithholdingaffection.Rememberonly7percentofallcommunicationisthewordsweuse;everythingelseisnon-verbalandyoucan subtlybreak rapport inmanydifferentways.Note–youdoneed tobe inrapporttobeginwith.

Perhapsyouneed tomoveawayor justbreakeyecontact.Thewayyoumoveyoureyesisoftenaverygoodwaytobreakrapport.Youmayevenneedtoavertyoureyesaltogether.

You may instead change the tone of your voice. A sudden deepening of thevoicemaychangethewholecharacterofaconversation.

Wheninrapportnoticethenexttimetheotherpersonmoves,butthistime,resisttheurgetodothesame.Theymove,youdon’tandtherapportonthat level isbroken.Wait a little while and then youmove and see what they do; if theymove‘oncommand’fromyou,thentheyaretryingtoearntheirwaybackintorapportandyounowhavetheupperhand,sotospeak.

Again,practisingbreakingrapportisaskillworthcultivatingbecausetherearemany situations when you will need to be able to do it very subtly withoutcausingoffence.

Onceyouhaveestablishedsomesortofrapportwiththeperson,youaretheninpole position to take control of the situation andmove in a direction of yourchoosingasyouseefit,ethically,ofcourse.

Pacingandleading

Trythesetwoquickpacing-and-leadingtechniquesandseehowquicklyyoucangetthatotherpersontofollowyourlead.

Technique1.AsubtlertakeonmirroringJust likewithmirroringbody language, if thepersonyou’re talking to likes tostartaconversationbygettingoutapenandturningtoanewpage,eventhoughthey neverwrite anything down, youmightwant to copy that gesture aswell

(butdoitverysubtly).Ifthatpersonspeaksinasofttoneofvoice,thensoftenyourvoiceaswell. If theycross their legs,youcross somepartofyourbody,your arms perhaps. If they tap their foot when their leg is crossed, then youmoveyour finger.Here,youaremirroring the ‘form’ that theyare taking.Getthatrightandthenmoveontotechnique2,wherewewillbeworkingwiththewordstheyuse.

Technique2:RestatingfactsandthentakingcontrolThisissostraightforwardandinvolvessimplystatingsomethingtrueaboutthepersonyou’retalkingto–orthesituationyou’redealingwith–andgettingthepersontoagreewithyou(verballyornot)beforeyousetuptotakecontrol.

Forexample,ifyouwanttoconvincesomebodytodonatetoagoodcause,beginby telling the person something factual like, ‘You’re here in this restaurant,listening to me talk about raising money for my cancer charity’ and thenimplanting new thoughts by adding, ‘and perhaps you’re beginning towonderwhyshouldyouwant todonate to thiscause…’Insertwhatyouwillafter thatphraseandI’msureyoucantakeitfromthere.ThereisalsoanothersneakylittleNLPhypnoticpatternatplayherethatwewillcometoshortly,butfornowI’lljustflagituptoyouasan‘embeddedcommand’.

Inthisinteraction,whenyouhavebuiltrapportandthenpacedtosomethingthatisdefinitelytrue,theyarein‘thisrestaurant’andtheyare‘listeningtoyoutalk’,but thenyouhave led them in thedirectionof thinkingabout them ‘donating’and, if you pay close attention to the precise language, you have gone evenfurtherthanthat.Youhaveactuallytoldthemorembeddedthecommand‘youwanttodonatetothiscause…’Alternativelythefollowingcouldbejustasgood,‘Perhaps you are beginning to wonder how donating to this cause is a goodidea.’I’msureyouseehowthisworksandwewillexploreitfullynext,butfornowI’llletyoujustbecomereallycuriousabouthowitworksandhowitworksforyou.

Ifyou’vetriedoutthosetwotechniques,you’llhaveseenhoweasytherapportandpacing-and-leading techniques are?Youcanuse themonvirtually anyoneandforanysituationalthoughanotherskilledNLPerwillquicklyspotwhatyouareup to foreverydaypractice;whydon’tyou test themoutonsomeonewhodoesn’tknowanythingaboutNLP,someonewhosebehaviouryoumightwanttochangealittle?

Forexample, ifyourbosshasa tendency to talk tooquicklyand itmakesyoufeeluneasyanddefensive,youcaneasilyusethefirsttechniquetocontroltheirspeedofspeech.Whentheytalktoyou,answerthembackatthesamespeedtobuild rapport.Do this threeor four timesbeforegradually slowingdownyourownspeech.Doitincrementallyandnoticeiftheyarefollowingalong,solongas you maintain rapport, and you can use your other skills to do this whileadjustingthespeed.Thenyourbosswilljustkeepfollowingyourlead.

NLPpacing and leading is perhapsoneof the easiest techniques toplaywith.Anyonecandoitandinanysituationwheretheyarewithanotherperson.But,asIsaidrightatthestartofthesection,nowthatyouknowhowtomanipulatesituationsaccordingly,Itrustthatyou’llusethisknowledgepositivelyandonlyeverethicallyandfor thegreatergood,not justforyourownbenefit.Useit toimprove your own communication and persuasion skills but definitely helpothersaswell!

Embeddedcommands

Before properly getting to grips with embedded commands, often seen as theHolyGrailofpersuasion, first it’s important toknowthathowyoudeliver thewordsandpatternsyouareabouttolearnisabsolutelykeytomakinganyofthisworksuccessfullyandnotjustmakingyourselflookalittlesilly.Butbeforeweget to theembeddedcommands themselves, Ineed to teachyou the ‘bed’ intowhichtheyareplaced.

Embedded commands involve indirectly making suggestions within a largerstatement by making a distinction, usually with your voice lower, slower orlouder,buttheycanalsotaketheformofapauseornoiseorbreakofrapportforasplitsecondbeforethecommandisdelivered.

InNLP,wecallthis‘markingout’ofthecommandananaloguemark.Analoguecommunication is a language technique or pattern that is often used duringhypnosis to help the subject to take in the commands, bypassing the logicalconsciousmind. It confuses the logical expectationof the consciousmind andthusallowsdirectaccess to theunconsciousmind,which iswhere realchangetakesplace.Youembedthecommandsinthewaythatyoudeliverthemandbynon-verbally marking out some portion of a communication, the unconsciousmind identifies andunderstands this part differently. It signals, ‘Payparticularattentiontothisbit.’

Thismarking-outcanbesolelybehavioural,suchasabodylanguage,gestureormovementorlookingawayandthenbackorusingvoicetone,volumeandspeedtomake that part of the sentence stand out from the rest. Here follow a fewexamplesforyou.

‘Myfriendknowshowtofeelreallygoodaboutherself.’Heresayingthephrase in italics slightly louder, slower or faster than the rest of thesentencecanemphasizethe‘feelreallygood’.

‘Thereisnoneedtorelaxnowandgointoatrancejustyet.’‘Relaxnowandgointoatrance’couldbemarkedwithahandgesture,orapausejustbeforetheword‘relax’.

‘Youcan talk tomewhenyouareready.’‘Talktome’couldbemarkedwithabodymovement.

Orperhapsintheclassroom:

‘John, sit down and relax.’ ‘Sit down and relax’ is marked out as acommand.

ThedifferenceindeliverybetweenaquestionandacommandThecluemayverywellbeinthetitle,butyoureallydoneedtomakesureyoudeliver the command part of the sentence as a definite command and inlanguage,weunderstandarisingtoneattheendofasentenceasaquestionandadownwardinflectiontobeacommand.Thereisadifferencebetween‘Youaregoingnow?’and‘Youaregoingnow.’

Oreven…

‘Youaregoingnow.’

‘Youaregoingnow.’

‘Youaregoing,now.’

‘Youaregoingnow.’

Haveyouevernoticedhowsomepeopleseemtobequestioningwhentheydon’tmeanto?‘Iwillgetthisdonebycloseofplay?’Butwitharisinginflectionthatcanmakesomeoneseemhesitant,asiftheyareaskingpermissionevenwhenthe

words(only7percent,remember)sayexactlytheopposite.So,justrememberwhenpractisingembeddedcommands:

Aquestionhasarisingtoneorinflectionattheend.

Astatementhasnoinflectionattheend.

Acommandhasadownwardinflectionattheend.

Thesecrettothischapterispractise,practise,practise.It’stimetotakeyournewskills on the road. My top tip is to practise with people you don’t know,especiallywithpeoplewhodon’tknowyou’re‘doingit’.People’sbehaviourcanchange dramaticallywhen they become conscious that youmight bewatchingthemclosely.Iftheynotice,orappeartoclamup,thenyouneedtostopandjusttryagainsomewhereelse.Stealthisthenameofthegame.

Chapter6

It’stimeforachange

In NLP the term ‘timeline’ is used to describe the way that we internallyrepresent time and space to andwithin ourselves.We each represent the past,presentandfuturedifferently.Butourabilitytodeterminewhetheraneventhashappenedinthepast,ishappeninginthepresentorisafutureprojectioncomesbymatchingtheexperiencetoouruniqueinternaltimeline.

Letmeshowyou.Closeyoureyesifit’ssafetodosoandpointtoyourfuture.Notice exactly where you are pointing. Now, point to the past, which willusually be in exactly the opposite direction to the future,which kind ofmakesense,doesn’tit?Nowlookatthediagrambelow…

While,ofcourse,itispossibleforyourtimelinetobeavirtuallinethroughtimeandspaceinalmostanydirection,themostcommonversionsareforthefutureto be out in front and the past to be behind. Or, perhaps, the future pointingslightlyuporslightlydown.Insomecases,thefuturemightgostraightupandthepaststraightdownorevenacross infrontfromleft torightorright to left,butthisisquiteunusual.

However,thediagramonthepreviouspageshowshowwegenerallyorienttimeagainstspacewiththepastasbeingdirectlybehind,thefuturedirectlyinfront

and toeitherside,whilst therearevaryingdegreesof thepastmoving into thefutureandthefuturebackintothepast.Thatsaid,everyone’stimelineisuniqueand,aswithmostthingsinNLP,it’sbesttotryitoutandseeinwhichdirectionyourfuturelies,andyourpasttoo,forthatmatter.Usethediagramabovetohelpyou,butrememberyourpastmaynotfeelasthoughit’sexactlybehindyouandyourfuturemaynotfeelasthoughit’sexactlyinfront–asthediagramshows,they can be off to either side too, and to varying degrees; your timeline iscompletelypersonaltoyou.

To help you to understand this and embed things a bit more, here are somesimplestepstoidentifyyourowntimeline.

NLPKnow-how

Awordofcaution:takingyourselforanotherpersonintotheirpastusingatimelinecancausethereleaseofatremendousamountofemotion.Thisisusuallyagoodthing–however,it’simportanttoknowwhatyou’redoingandifindoubtenlistthehelpofanexperiencedNLPerwhenworkingwithsomeoneotherthanyourself.

Tothatend,youmustalreadyhavebuiltgood,strong,robustrapportand,muchmoreimportantly,needtobecomingfromtherightplaceinyourselfandwithpositiveintentionstoo.Ofcourse,thatgoesforeverythingyoudowhenworkingwithsomeoneelse,butisdefinitelyworthemphasizinghere.

Whenitcomestotheopposite,takingsomeonetoexploreandrehearsetheirfuture,theoutcomeisalmostalwaysbeneficial.Butitisstillimportantthatyoualwaysmovetheotherpersonforwardsinanychallengesorissues,sothattheyareleftinapositivestate.

Visualtimeline:Thetechnique

Sitcomfortably,closeyoureyesandimagineseeingyourtimelinestretchingoutinfrontofyouandagoalsomewhereinyourfuture.You’rejustpractisingrightnow somake sure it’s something in themid-to close distance. In otherwordssomethingthatisnottoofaroffintothefuture.Asyou’repractising,nothingtoomajor either, because you are just finding your feet, so no higher that a 7/10.Perhaps you could then identify two or three milestones between now and

achievingthatfuturegoal.

Onceyouhaveformedaclearimageandcanseethegoalwiththetwoorthreemilestones just ahead of you, I want you to imagine floating up above yourtimelinesothatyou’relookingdownonit.Then,inyourmind,movetothefirstmilestone inachieving thatgoal.Whenyouget there floatdown into that firstmilestoneandtakeamomenttoexperienceitfully.What’sitlike?Whatdoyouseeandhearandthinkandfeelwhenyoureachthatfirstpointofnote?

Tip: You can use the submodalities you learned earlier to help you fullyassociatewith themilestone so that you canvisualize it fully associated (seenthrough your own eyes): hear what you hear both on the outside and on theinsideandthenfeelwhatyoufeelinyourbody.

Now, float back up above the timeline and move on to the next milestone.Again,Iwantyoutodropdownintoit,fullyassociatewithitandsee,hearandfeeleverythingthatyouexperiencethereasfullyasyoupossiblycan.

Next it’s time to float back up above your timeline again and on to the thirdmilestone in thesamewayand thenfinallyonuntil thegoal is reached.Whenyou have gone to that placewhere you have already reached the goal, take amoment and in yourmind’s eye just turn around and float slowly back to thepresentday,collectingupalltheusefullearning,feelingsandexperiencesfromyourfutureprojectionandbringingitallbackandintegratingitintothepresentday.

Onceyouarebackinthepresentday,youmustremembertoturnaround(againinyourmind’seye)sothatyouarefacingtowardsyourfutureandreadytotakethestepsyouneedtogettowhereandwhatyoureallywant.

Herewehaveworkedwithgoingforwardfromnowintothefuture,butyoucanuseyourNLPtimelinetorewriteyourpastjustaseffectivelyasyoucantopre-writeyourfuture.Thesametimelinetechniqueallowsyoutochangemeaningsandassociationsofpastbadexperiencesjustaseasilyasinstallingempoweringbeliefsforyourfuture.

UsinganNLPtimeline

Tochangeyourpersonalhistory,or at least thewayyou feel about it, all youneed todo isperform thevisualizationof thepastasdescribed in theexercise

above. But this time, when visualizing past experiences, imagine yourselffloating out of your body and moving towards the direction of your pasttimeline. This is the past direction that you identifiedwhen you elicited yourowntimelinesearlierandaswesaidismostlikelysomewherebehindyou.Butwherever it is, it’s yours. As you are moving in that direction, see and feelyourselfmovingbackintimethroughyourownpasthistoryandexperiences.

Keeponmovinginthatdirectionuntilyoufeelthatyouhavereachedtheexactpointintimeofthatparticularexperience,theoneyouwanttochangenow.Soifyouaregoingbacktoanexperiencethathappenedfiveyearsago,keepmovingtowardsyourpastdirectionuntilyoufeelthatyouareatthepointoffiveyearsagoonyourtimeline.Giveyourselfplentyofroomsothatyoudon’trunoutoftime/space, and then drain all negative associations from the experience.Visualizewashingawayallanger,hurtandpainsoallthat’sleftisthelearningyoutookfromitor,iftherewasn’tanyatthetime,whatisitnow?Whatarethelifelessonstotakefromit?

Note: When doing this, it is very important to position yourself above theexperience in your mind’s eye so that you are looking down on it. If it’sparticularlyupsettingthisdissociationhelpsreducetheintensity,painandangeroftheexperience.Andifyourememberyoursubmodalities,itgivesyouaverydifferentperspectiveonthesituationandputsyouinapositionofcontroloveritsothatyouwon’tgetcaughtupinthenegativefeelingsinstead.Fromhere,youareinpolepositiontomakethechangesyouneedtomakeandnotgetboggeddownintheassociatedpain.

Whenallisdoneandyoucandropdownandrevisiteachofthosememoriesbutwithoutanypain,it’stimetodriftbackupaboveyourtimelineandallthewaybacktothepresentfromwhereyoucanlookbackatyourpastandlineupallthepast lessons ina row just likea runway. Ifyouarevisual, then representeachlessonwithaglowinglightthatwillserveyouwell.

Takeitintothefuture;see/projectyourselfinthefuture(bylookingtowardsthefuture timelinedirection).Nowpush the runwayof lessonsrightout there intothefuture.See thepower,beliefsandabilitiesdevelopedfromthepastgo intothefutureyouandbecomeintegratedwithyourtimetocomesothatitallfeelsverynew,but verynatural.You can take those lessons anduse themand livefrom that placewhere you have all the resources and resilience from the pastrighthereinthepresentandfuture.

As you feel the power of that start to build, you can allow yourself to drift

towards the future timeline. See yourself in the future achieving your desiredoutcomesandbecomingthepersonyoureallywanttobe,allfullyalignedwiththeabilitiesandexperiencefromthepastintegratedintothefuturenewyou.Seeyourself being stronger than ever and achieving all goals and, of course, seethroughfullyassociatedeyessothatyoucanseewhatyou’llseeandhearwhatyou’llhearfromthatplaceofbeingfullyassociatedtoo,sothatyoucanreallyfeelhowit feels to livefromthatplace,because this iswhereyouareheadingnow…

Last,driftback to thepresent feelingcalmandrefreshed.Knowthatyourpasthasgivenyoumanygreatexperiencesandthatyourfutureislookingbetterthanever.Openyoureyes.

Thistechniqueeffectivelyintegratesbothpastandfuturetimelinesbeautifully.

Theswishpattern

The swish pattern is one of the best known and most commonly used NLPtechniques and you may have come across it before because it is used, andperhapsoverused, for agreatmanypurposesby successfulpeopleallover theworld.Youmayalsohavehearditreferredtoasa‘swoosh’patternbut,howeveryou pronounce it, it’s exactly the same thing and is particularly suitable fordealingwith one-off situationswhere you need a confidence boost, or to feeldifferentlyaboutasituationyouareabouttoface,althoughtherearemanyothertimeswhenitmaybeusefultoo.

Usingtheswishpattern

Touseaswishsuccessfully,youneed tobe inacomfortableplacewhereyouwillnotbedisturbed.It’sbetterifyouarefeelingwideawakeandalerttodothisasit’sreallyquiteadynamicexerciseandonethatyouneedtodoveryquicklyfor best results.Youwill have your eyes closed, but youneed to be alert andfocusedduringthistechniquebecauseit’salittlerepetitiveinnature.

Herewearegoingtotakecareofanegativeoranxiouseventyouhavecomingupinthenearfuture.Ichoosethenearfuturebecausenotonlywillitbealittleeasierforyoutomakethatpicture,butyouwillalsogetthechancetoexperiencethe positive life-changing effects of the swish pattern sooner and I am all for

that,asI’msureyouaretoo.

Sit comfortably and closeyour eyes.Take amoment to steadyyour breathingandrelaxyourbodyasmuchasyoucananddowhateveryouknowtodotoletgooftheoutsideworldandanystressesandstrainsoftheday.Thisissometimejustforyou;dowhateveryouneedtodo,evenplaysomefavouritemusicifyoufindthishelps.

Now,whenyouareready,createinyourmind’seyeanimageofyoujustatthemomentofhavingtodealwiththeanxiety-causingsituation.You’llnothavetostaywiththebadfeelingforlongsoreallygoforitandmaketheimageasvividandsharpasyoupossiblycan.Makeitsothatit’sfillingyourwholevision,thecoloursbright,vibrantandalive,withyoulookingjustasuncomfortableasyoucanpossiblyimagine.Reallygoforitandmakeitseemlikeanenormouscolourslidebeingdisplayedonthehugecomputerscreenofyourmind’seye.Includeanything that will make it more lifelike: other people around you, theirexpressions,thescenery,sounds,smells,andtouch,everythingyoucanthinkoftomakeitasrealaspossible.LikeIsaid,you’llnotbethereforlong,soreallygoforit.

Whenyouhavethatpicturesovividlythatitactuallymakesyousquirm,you’vegotitaboutright.Wewillcallthatpicturethe‘timetochange’.Givingitanamemakes iteasyforyou to recall lateron,but fornow, lay it tooneside inyourmind.Infact,minimize it just likeyouwouldonacomputerscreen;click thatlittleiconandminimizeitdowntothebottomright-handcornerofthescreen.

Nowforsomethingmuchmorecomfortable.Thistime,youaregoingtocreateanimageofyourselfjustatthemomentwhenyouhavesuccessfullydealtwiththeproblem,surviveditandarefeelingreallygoodaboutittoo.

Again, Iwant you tomake it as vivid as is humanly possible and adjust it asbefore to add in asmuch detail as you can tomake it truly lifelike. Turn thepicturesup,makethembigandbrightandboldandseethemthroughyourowneyes.Add in some sound; it doesn’thave tobe the real sound, just somethingthatmakes you feel good.What’s your favourite song?Play that and turn thevolumeallthewayuptoalevelthatmakesyoufeelreallygood.Nowtakethosegood feelings and double them in size… then double them in size again andagainsothatyoufeellikeyouaregoingtoburstwithgoodfeelings.Makesurethatonascaleofonetoten,youareat leastaboveaseven,but thehigher thebetter. We will call this picture the ‘preferred reality’. In it, you should belookingabsolutelyas ifyoutrulyhavejustbeenincrediblysuccessfulwith the

specificcircumstance.Whenyougetitright,whenitmakesyoufeelgood,allowyourselftoenjoyitforamoment,reallytakeitallin…minimizeitagainjustasyoudidthefirstone.

Now…

Maximize the‘timetochange’pictureagain,andmakesure it fillsyourentirevision,justassharp,justaslifelike,justassquirm-inducingasitwasbefore,butwith an important addition. The small, black-and-white ‘preferred reality’pictureistuckedintothebottomright-handcorner.Makesureyoucanseethatbeforewestart.

Whenyouhavethatimageclearlyinyourmind,justsaytoyourself,‘S-W-I-S-H’ (or swoosh), at the same time changing the pictures over in yourmind asquicklyasyoupossiblycansothat the‘preferredreality’zoomsuptobecomethelargecolourpictureandthe‘timetochange’shrinkstothesizeofapostagestamptuckedintothebottomright-handcorner,becomingblackandwhiteasitdoesso.

Enjoythegoodpictureandallthegoodfeelingsthatgowithitagainforjustafewmoments.

Next,letyourminddrifttosomeneutralplace.Thiscanbeanywhereyoulike–aroominyourhome,thepark,adesertedbeach,anywhereaslongasit’saplacewhereyouarecomfortableandatease.It’sveryimportantthatyouperformthistransitiontoaneutralplaceeachtime,sothinkofsomewherecalmandneutralthatyoucanreturnto,somewherewithnorealassociationsonewayoranother,ablankcanvasifyoulike.

Nowstartagainatstep1andcontinuetorepeatthesequence.

1. Maximizethe‘timetochange’pictureagain,andmakesureitfillsyourentirevision, justassharp, justaslifelike,as itwasbefore,butwithanimportant addition. The small, ‘preferred reality’ picture is tucked intothe bottom right-hand corner. Make sure you can see that before youstart.

2. Whenyouhavethatimageclearlyinyourmind,justsaytoyourself:‘S-W-I-S-H’(orswoosh),atthesametimeandchangethepicturesoverinyourmindasquicklyasyoupossiblycan,sothatthe‘preferredreality’zooms up to become the large colour picture and the ‘time to change’shrinkstothesizeofapostagestamptuckedintothebottomright-hand

corner,becomingblackandwhiteasitdoesso.

Afterawhile,youwillfindthatthepictureschangeoversoeasilyandsorapidlythat you scarcely have any time to see the ‘moment of anxiety’ before it isreplaced with the ‘preferred reality’. This can take as few as three or fourrepetitions and should be repeated over and over until the pictures changeinstantly right from the start or you find that you simply cannot produce the‘timetochange’pictureatall.

Remember…realchangehappensreallyquicklyandsoyouneedusethisswishpatternquicklyand likeyoumean it.This isadynamicchangeprocessso it’sbest to be prepared for it before you start.When you get to the point wherechangehappensautomatically,youhavesuccessfullyprogrammedyourself forsuccess.

Youwillfindthatwhenyouactuallygettotheeventyouhavebeenworkingon,youwillfeelconfidentandeasy,andabletogiveofyourbestasaresult.Iknowitmightallsoundrathercomplicatedatfirst,butyousoongetusedtoitanditisworth perseveringwith; when you take it step by step, youwill find that it’sactuallyremarkablysimple.Itisoneofthemostpowerful‘quick-fix’methodsinexistencesouseitwisely,butasoftenasyoulike.

Habitsandinnerconflict

Howmanytimeshaveyouwantedtobreakahabityetfoundyourselfdoingitonautopilot anyway? How many times have you wanted to make an importantdecision but found that you just go along with what you have always doneanyway,eventhoughpartofyouknowsit’sreallynotrightforyou?

Howmanytimeshaspartofyouknownexactlywhattodoandthenanotherparthasgoneanddoneexactlytheopposite?Thishappensalotinchurches:partofyou is saying ‘I do’while another part is screaming ‘but I don’twant to’; ofcourse you go alongwith it anyway because the catering is booked and yourmotherhasanicenewhat.Hardlythestuffthatgoodlifechoicesaremadeof,butsomanypeopledothatallthetimeandnotjustwithweddings.

Partofyouwantstoleaveyourjob…buttheotherpartofyouisscared;partofyouwantstoloseweightandbeslim,fitandhealthy…butanotherpartofyoureallywantscheesecake,now!

InNLP,youknowtolistentolanguageliterally,andsoforthepurposesofthenextexerciseIwantyoutoliterallythinkofitasapartofyouthatdoes,andadifferent part of you that doesn’t, and that this inner conflict between those‘parts’createsthatinnerconflictinyou.

Whetheritwasabadhabitoranimportantdecision,it’s theinnerconflictyouare experiencing thatpreventedyou fromacting the rightor, tobe completelyclear,theauthenticwayforyou.Weareallmultifacetedandobviouslyallhavefreewillandchoice,buttheprogrammingwearerunningdoestendtokeepuswithin certainhabitual behaviourparameters.Sowhile onepartmightwell betugging us in one direction, the other part is keeping us stuck tomaintain thestatusquo.

Nowbeforewegetrightintoit,Iwanttomakesomethingclear.Allbehaviouratsomelevelhasapositiveintentionandisinfactourbrain’ssolutiontoanotherperceivedproblem.Justthinkaboutthat…Wecomeintotheworldhard-wiredtobeafraidofonlytwothings,fallingandsuddenloudnoises.Everythingelseislearnedeither frompersonal experienceor through transference fromsomeoneelse.Butthepositiveintentionisusuallytokeepussafe.

Thinkaboutweight loss for a second…Partofyouwants tobe slim,but thatotherpartofyoustillreallywantscheesecake.Orwhataboutphobias?

I have treated people for allmanner of phobias, from the relatively common,such as spiders and snakes, to the downrightweird like bananas, baked beansand,ononeoccasion,evenaphobiaofwomen.Actually,Irefusedtotreatthatguy.Itoldhimhe’dhavemoremoney,behappierandprobablylivelongerifwejustleftitalone!Obviously,I’mjoking…there’snowayhe’dhavemoremoneyifhecouldn’tleavethehouselesthebumpintoamemberofthefairersex.He’sfinenow,butcanyouimaginehowdebilitatingthatwasforhim?Ofcourse,partofhimknew itwas silly, just aspartofDanwascuriousaboutwhatdifferentfoodstastedlike,butanotherpartofhimwasterrifiedtotry.

You see how common this is? So common, in fact, that one in ten of thepopulationofalmostanycountryyoucaretochoosehasaphobiasoseverethatit affects their daily lives. Far more therefore have less frequent phobias andevenmoreexperiencethekindofinnerconflictweweretalkingaboutearlier.Sothisisahugeproblem…butwithaverysimplesolution.Ofcourse,thisiswhereyouaresupposedtousea‘strongmind’or‘willpower’tobreakthehabitortakethe right action, but as youknow,veryoften, youmaynot be able to break ahabitjustbecauseapartofyouwantsit.Ifonlyitwerethatsimple,eh?

Habitsandpatternslikethisarenotatalleasytobreakwithwillpoweraloneforoneverysimplereason.Yourbrain thinks that it’sactuallyhelpingand in facttheproblemisreallyyourbrain’ssolutiontoadifferentproblemaltogether.

Thinkofitlikethis.Thepresentingproblemisafearofspiders;yougetscaredjustlookingatapictureofaspider.Whatdoyouthinkthepositiveintentionofthe fear is? It’s to keep you safe from the perceived danger, which makesabsolute sense, right?Well, itwould if therewas anydanger there in the firstplace. Clearly, a picture of a spider is not going to hurt you, but your brainstrugglestoprocessthatandsoinsteadgoestoitsprimarydriverofkeepingyousafe and acts accordingly. Your brain solves the problem of there beingperceiveddangerbycreatingapowerful feeling inyourbody togetyouawayfromthethreatandkeepyousafe.Itdoesmakesensewhenyouthinkaboutit…onlythereisabsolutelynoneedforitinthefirstplacebecausethingshavegotdistortedoutofallproportion,butwe’regoodatthat;wedoitallthetime.

Sobytryingtogoagainstthefearwithwillpower,allweeffectivelydoiscreateevenmoreinnerconflict,whichthebrainwilltrytoresolvewithevenmoreofthesameresponse.Youseehowthatworksnow?

Themoreyoutrytobreakit,themorethispartwillholdontoitandsotheresultwillbereturningbacktothehabit,oftenwithoutyouevenknowingwhy.Butthemoreyoudiet,themoreyoureallywantcheesecake,right?

ResolvingtheinnerconflictEvenifyoumanagedtoignoretheneedsofoneofyourpartsforawhile,youwillstillsufferfromthelackofinnerintegrationandwillmostcertainlyfeelthatand a sense of unease in your body. You will most likely feel like you arecarrying a lot of unfulfilled emotions and unmet desires. I say unmet, but ofcourse,youwillbedriventomeettheminonewayoranother,maybejustnotquiteinthewayyouwouldchoose–well,nottheconsciouspartofyouanyway.

The solution to this inner turmoil is getting more understanding of thoseconflicting parts then working on uniting or integrating them together with acommongoal,which,ofcourse,isyourwellbeing.I’mnotsurewhetherthiswaspossiblebeforeNLPcameintoexistence,butnowintegratingthosetwopartsisnotjustpossible,it’sactuallyveryeasy.

Casestudy

Youmighthavealreadyseenmeusewhat’scalledinNLP,‘partsintegration’techniqueontelevisionwiththemodelKatiePriceintheUK.Katiehadsufferedafearofbeingoutofherdepthinwatersinceshehadapanicattackinapoolwhenshewasateenager.SeventeenyearsonandittookjustasmanyminutestohaveKatieintheverysameswimmingpoolswimmingcompletelywithoutfearandenjoyingbeingbackinthewateragain.Thefootageitavailableonlineifyou’dliketosearchforit.Despitebeingavery‘visual’personintherestofherlife,Katiewas‘auditory’and‘kinaesthetic’inhermindandsoweusedsomesubmodalityworkandthenapartsintegrationtoresolvetheinnerconflictbetweenthepartthatwantedtokeephersafeandthepartthatwantedtogoswimming.

Partsintegrationtechnique

Here’saverysimplebutquitepreciseguideforyoutofollowtointegratethoseconflictingpartsinyourselfandothers.

The following are the exact steps you should follow in order to unite yourconflictingpartsunderthesinglecommongoalofyourwellbeingbeingfulfilledinthebestpossibleway.

Sometimesyouwillfindthistechniqueisalsoreferredtoasa‘visualsquash’butthereareslightdifferences,solet’sgettogripswiththeoriginalversion.Makesureyoureadallthestepsbeforeapplyingthetechniquebecauseit’sveryhardtoputthingsbackthewaytheywereonceyou’vedoneit.SomeNLPtechniquesarereversible;thisisnotoneofthem.

Please note that you aren’t going to resolve the inner conflict on a consciouslevel but instead you are going to do it at a much deeper unconscious level.That’swhythestepsbelowmightrequirealittlebitofimagination.

Step1:IdentifythepartsIt’sbesttodothissittingdownsomewhereyoucansafelyandcomfortablycloseyoureyesandholdbothofyourhandsinfrontofyousothatyourpalmsfacetheceiling.Bestbetistofamiliarizeyourselfwiththisthencloseyoureyesanddoit;it’squiteatricktoreadwithyoureyesclosed,evenwithNLP.

So,palmsupwithyourhandsfreetomoveandwithyoureyesclosed,goinside

andaskthepartthatiscausingtheproblemtomakeitselfknowntoyouandtogiveyouasenseofit.Nowimaginethatpartmovingoutintothepalmofyourleft hand so that you are holding that first part there. Perhaps you’d like toimagineithasashapeandacolourandevenatexture.

Some people see it as a glowing ball; some see it as one of their parents andothersseemuchmorerandomthings,sojustvisualizetheshapethatmakesyoumostcomfortable.Butifyou’renottoovisual,youmayverywellgetasenseofafeelinginthepalmofyourhandorasensethattheparthasalittleweighttoitormaybethatithasasound.Whateveritislikeforyou,thatisabsolutelyfineandexactlyasitshouldbe.

Step2:AskthefirstpartaboutitsintentionAsk it for a sense of its positive intention, ‘Why do you want to eat thatchocolate?’(orwhateveritisthatyouwanttochange)andnoticewhatcomesupforyou.Theanswerswillunpackgraduallyandatfirstmightbesomethinglike‘becauseIwantyoutoenjoythetasteofchocolate’.Sothenaskitagain,‘Whydoyouwantme toenjoy the tasteofchocolate?’Perhaps this time theanswerwill be something like ‘because I want you to be happy’. As you ask morequestions, youmove towards determining the highest positive intention of thepartandthatisthe‘real’reasonwhyyoueatchocolateand,ofcourse,thepartand the positive intention that we are going to work with and resolve. Keepgoinguntilyougettothe‘root’ofthematter.Don’tworry,you’llknowontheinsidewhenyou’vegotthere.

Step3:Theproblem-solvingpartNow,wearegoingtofindanotherparttointegratewiththefirst,ortoworkwiththefirstinordertofulfilthatsamepositiveintention,butonlyinawaythatdoesnotinvolvesabotagingyourselfbyeatingchocolate.

Nowrepeatthefollowingascloselyasyoucanrememberwhenyoucloseyoureyes:‘I’mtalkingtothecreative,problem-solvingpartofmyownsubconsciousmind–thepartthathelpsmemakedecisionseverydaywithoutmyevenhavingtothinkaboutit–andaskingthatpartforonenewandhealthywaytofulfilthatsamepositiveintentionbutwithouttheneedforchocolate.Idonotneedtoknowwhatthatnewwayisnowgoingtobe,justhaveasenseofthatandwhenIhavea sense of itmy subconsciousmind can put that part in the palmofmy righthand.

Youwillhavearealsenseofwhenthathashappenedandagain,thatpartmayvery well be represented by some kind of symbol or image. We are usingsymbols here because your subconsciousmind thinks using symbols, but youmayalsogetsomesoundorafeelinginthepalmofyourhand.

Step4:Bringthem/allowthemtocometogetherTalktobothpartsandtell themthat theybothhavethesameintentionforyouand that there is no need for any conflict. If youwere doing it right from thebeginning,youwillprobablyalreadynoticethatyourhandshavealreadystartedcomingclosertogetherallbythemselves.Theywillcontinuetodoso,guidedbyyoursubconsciousmind,untiltheytouch;allyouhavetodoissitthereandstayoutofthewaywhileyoursubconsciousmindsortsthingsoutforyou.Onceyourhandshavetouchedeachother,holdthemtogetherfirmlyandmeaningfullyandthis will send a clear message to your subconscious mind that the conflict isresolved.

Ifyouhaveperformedthetechniquecorrectly,ofcourse,youmaystilleatandenjoy chocolate if you want to, but the subconscious drive to ‘self-medicate’withittochangeyourstatewillbegone.

Inthischapteryouhavelearnedthreereallybigtechniques.Thesethreepatterns,inmyexperience,canbeadaptedtoworkwith thevastmajorityof things thatyoumightwanttochangeinyourself,andmaybeothers.Justaswithanythingyou’dliketomaster,thekeyisingettingthemdownsmoothlysothatyoudon’tneedtoreferbackhere.

Takesometimeandgooverthesetechniquesagainandagain.Foraddedeffect,start tousewhatyouhave already learned aboutyourself tohelpyou to learnthem.Ifyouarepredominantlyvisual,howcanyoumapthemoutsoyoulearntheminavisualsense?Whatabout ifyou’reauditory?HowcanyoureinforcewhatIhavesaidsothatyougetitinsound?Andforthekinaesthetic,howcanyoureallygettogripswiththemandgetafeelforwhat’sgoingon?Goplayandhavesomefunasyoulearnbest.

Chapter7

Anchoringstates

You may have heard the term ‘anchoring’ used a lot in relation to Neuro-Linguistic Programming. It’s right up there with eye-accessing and theswish/swooshpatternyou’vejust learnedin thepopchartofNLPandit richlydeservesitsplaceasoneofthefundamentalandeasiest-to-graspprinciples.Putsimply,itdoesn’treallymatterhowskilledyouareatmakingchangehappen,ifyoucan’tmakeitstick(anchorit),thenit’snotmuchgoodtoanyone.

Anchoring refers to the process of associating an internal responsewith someexternal (or even internal) stimulus so that the response may be quickly andsometimescovertly,butalwaysautomatically,triggered.

Insimpleterms,thinkaboutitlikethis.Youwalkpastsomeoneinthestreetandyougetawhiffoftheirfragranceandimmediately,andwithoutthinkingaboutit,youfindyourselfrememberingsomeoneclosetoyouwhoalsoworethesamescent.Itallhappenedautomaticallyandinaheartbeat.Youdidn’thavetofigureoutwhat thesmellwasand thensift throughall thewomenormenyouknowuntilyou founda fit and thengoandaccess thememoriesof thosewomenormeninordertogettothatplace(well,notconsciouslyanyway);itjusthappenedallbyitself.Yoursubconsciousdidallthatforyousoallyouexperiencedwasthesmellandtheassociatedmemory.It’sthesamethingwhenasongcomesontheradioanditautomaticallytakesyoubacktoatimeandplace;thatsonghasbecomeanchoredtothatmemory.Thesonggivesyouaveryfastwaytoaccessthememoryandsotoothe‘state’youwereinatthetime.

Well, if anchoring can do that all by itself, then just as in all other NLPprinciples,wecanmodelwhatworksnaturally and then reverse-engineer it sothatweareabletodeliberatelyputthisprincipletogooduseforthechangethatwewantinourlives.

NLPKnow-how

NLPersdidnotcreateanchoring;itisanaturallyoccurringphenomenon,butwithNLPweknowhowtoharnessanduseitwithpurposeandforachange.Infact,onthesurface,anchoringisverysimilartothe‘classicalconditioning’techniquedevelopedbyIvanPavlov,aRussianphysiologist,tocreatealinkbetweentheringingofabellandhisdogssalivating.(LittleisknownofPavlov’scatexperimentbutI’msuretheresultswouldhavebeenverydifferent!)Byringingabellwhilegivinghisdogsfood,hecreatedanassociationthatthebellmeantmealtime.Pavlovfamouslyfoundthathecouldeventuallyjustringthebellandthedogswouldstartsalivating,eventhoughnofoodwasgiven.

Think about your schooldays – when the bell rang, you were out of theclassroom like a shot – but the main difference between this type of‘conditioning’, or stimulus-response conditioningmodel (as inPavlov’s dogs),and anchoring is that in NLP, the stimulus is always an environmental one(something on the outside) and the response is always a specific behaviouralaction. The association is considered reflexive and therefore not a matter ofchoice. But as NLP and our understanding have developed, this type ofassociative conditioning has been expanded to include other aspects of ourexperiencebeyondpurelyenvironmentones.

Thinkbacktoanysadmemory,forexample:howdoyoufeel?Sad,right?Buthere there is no real external factor to make you feel sad, only an internalmemory,butitresultsinasadfeelinginyourselfjustthesame.

Orjustaseasily,itcouldbethatsomethingbecomesanchoredtosomethingelsethat has not really happened. You see an attractive girl or guy in a bar, butinsteadofthepre-programmedhumanattractionresponsekickingin,insteadyoufeelshy,nervousandfearfulofrejection,andallyou’vedoneislookedupandseen them.You haven’t even thought of going to approach them and risk thepossiblerejectionorhumiliationyet…orhaveyou?

Orhowabout in a situationwhen somethingwent reallywell, and as yougotinto the car after closing that bigdeal, a song cameon the car radio, andyounowalwaysassociatethatsongwithfeelingreallyconfident.Theyhavenothingtodowitheachotherreally,otherthanyouwereinthatstateandthesongwas

on, but because it was a heightened state, those two unrelated things becamejoinedtogetherinyourmind.

Wouldn’t thatbeagreatway to feelbeforeyougo into thenextbigmeeting?Too right, and so you might want to choose consciously to establish andretrigger theseassociationsyourselfso that, rather thanbeingamindlessknee-jerkreflex,ananchorbecomesatoolforself-empowerment.Howdoyouthinkyoumightdothat?We’llgettothatinalittlewhilebutthatsongwilldefinitelyfeaturestrongly.

Acreativetool

AsIwrite this toyou,Iamsittingat thedeskwhereIsatandwroteallofmypreviousbooks.Mylatemumboughtitformeandthelampthatsitsontopwasalsoapresentfromheryearsbefore–whenthedeskwasjustanaspiration.SoasIsithereatmydeskinthesilenceoftheearlymorningwiththelampshiningdownlike ithasforhundredsof thousandsofwordsbefore(all typedwith thesametwofingersoneachhand)withacupofcoffeetomyside,doyouthinkit’scoincidence that I am in the flow and feeling very creative thismorning? Ofcourse not… this is where I come to write. To be honest, in between bookprojectsIhardlyeverusethisdesk.It’snotforthat;it’sforthisandIhopeyouareenjoyingwhatithastoofferusbothtoday.

Canyouseehowthistypeofanchoringcanbeaveryusefultoolforhelpingtoestablishandreactivatethementalprocessesassociatedwithcreativity,learning,concentrationandlotsofotherimportantresources?

NLPKnow-how

Ihavealwaysthoughtthatitissignificantthatthemetaphorofan‘anchor’isusedinNLPterminologyratherthan‘trigger’,whichIhavealsoheardused.Theanchorofashipisattachedtosomestablepointinordertoholdtheshipinacertainareaandkeepitfromfloatingaway.Theimplicationofthisisthattheaspectthatservesasapsychologicalanchorisnotsomuchamechanicalstimulusthatcausesaresponse,asitisareferencepointthathelpstostabilizeaparticularstate.Theanchordoesn’tcausetheshiptostayinoneplace;itenablesittodosoandprovidesthereferencepointforthat.Whereaswithatrigger,youwildlyfireoffinsomedirection…Ipreferthesecurityofananchor.

The process of establishing an anchor is very simple and basically involvesassociating twoexperiences togetherso thataccessingoneenables theother tocomeabout.And in all behavioural conditioningmodels like this, associationsbecome more strongly established through simple repetition and so repetitioncandefinitelybeusedtostrengthenanchorsaswell.

Forexample,mydeskdidn’tjustbecomeanchoredasmycreativeplacethefirsttimeIsatdowntowritehere;itissomethingthathashappenedovertime.Witheachhourthat’spassedandideathat’scome,witheachgoodfeelingofcreating,developinganddelivering something thatwill help andeven shape the reader,this spacehasbecomevery special and creatively significant inmy life to thepointthatwhileIcanwriteelsewhere,itwouldjustfeelsowrongtostartabookanywhere else. To be honest, I’m not sure I actually could, well not withoutsome serious internalwork tobring the ‘state’ I’m innowover to somewherenew.

Anchoringandyourownlearningstate

Anothergoodway tobeginunderstanding theusesofanchoring is toconsiderhowtheycanbeappliedinthecontextofteachingandlearning.Theprocessofanchoring, for instance, is an effective means of transferring learningexperiences. A lot of our learning relates to conditioning, and conditioningrelates to the kind of stimuli that become attached to reactions. So if you cananchor something ina learningenvironment,youcan thenbring theanchor totheworkenvironmentwithjustasimplereminderofwhatwaslearned.

NLPKnow-how

Inonestudy,studentsweretaughtanewskillinaparticularclassroombeforetheresearcherssplittheclassinhalfandputoneofthegroupsinadifferentclassroom–whichlookednothingliketheiroriginallearningenvironment–thentestedbothgroups.Thestudentsthatstayedintheoriginalclassroomdidmuchbetterontheteststhanthestudentswhohadbeenmoved.Wecanreasonablypresumethatthiswasduetosubconsciousenvironmentalcues,whichwereassociatedwiththematerialtheyhadbeenlearning;andintheabsenceofthosefactorstheyfoundthattheyhadnotlearnedquitesowellorweremuchlessabletoaccessthelearningtheydidhave.Itmakessense,doesn’tit?

it?

Nowthinkaboutthisandapplyittochildrenlearninginschoolsrightnow.Iftheyareanythinglikeme,the‘learning’environmentwillbeanythingbutconducivetoactuallylearningandIamsurethatevennow,ifyouputmebackinaclassroomlikethat,IwouldimmediatelybecomedumberandregressbacktowhenIspentmoretimesittingoutsidetheclassroomthinkingaboutwhatI’ddone(ornotdone)untilIwassorrythatIactuallyhadlearnedanything.Iwasn’tabadkid,notatall,butIdefinitelywasn’tengagedinschool,andthoseanchorsofbadexperiencesandof‘notlearning’wheninaclassroomstayedwithmeformanyyearsafterI’dleftschool.

So,withanchoring,wearemuchmoreabletostackthedeckinourfavour.Wehaveprobablyallbeeninthesituationofexperiencingsomethingthatwewantedtoremember,butwhenwegointoanewenvironmentwhereallthestimuliaresodifferent,it’seasytoforget.Wemaynothavecalleditanchoringoranythinglikeit,butevensimplethingslikeifyoutakeyourdrivingtestinthesamecaryou learned in, you are much more likely to pass. And it’s not just aboutknowingwhere the controls are; it could be exactly the samemodel but in adifferentcolourandthesameistrue.

But by developing the ability to use certain kinds of anchors, teachers andlearners can facilitate the enhancement of learning.While it doesn’t of courseguaranteegoodgrades,therewillcertainlybeagreaterpossibilitythatlearningwillbetransferredifonecanalsotransfercertainstimuli.JustasIamanchoredtowritingatmydeskeventhoughIhavedonesonowinfourdifferenthouses,the environment has changed but my being anchored to the desk is fullytransferable.

Thereisanotheraspecttoanchoring,whichneedsbelookedat.It’snotgoodtosaythatjustbecauseyouareinaclassroomorsittingatadeskyouwillbeabletolearnandcreatejustbybeingthere.

Inorderforthebelltomeananythingatall,Pavlov’sdogshadtobeinacertainstate: they had to be hungry so that Pavlov could anchor the stimulus to theresponse.

If youwant someone to learn something, there is nobetter state to be in than‘curious’becausethatiswhenwearenaturallymostopenandreceptive.Ifyouare teaching anyone, try this: try opening the interaction with something,

anything, thatwillelicitastateofcuriosity. Itdoesn’t reallymatterwhat’s it’saboutbecauseit’sthestateratherthanthestorythatweareinterestedin.

It’snotjustforteachersorfordoingtoothers;youcanuseanchorstore-accessresourceful states in yourself. A self-anchor could be an internal image ofsomething that, when thought about, automatically brings on that state.Somebodyyouarecloseto,forinstance,mightimmediatelybringonthestateoflove, or fun or compassion. You could also make a self-anchor through anexamplesuchastalkingaboutyourchildrenorsomeexperiencethathasalotofverydeepassociations.

Establishingananchor

Pavlov found therewere twowaysofcreatingpowerfulassociations.Onewasthrough simple repetition, the continual association between a stimulus and aresponse– theusualway, ifyoulike.Theotherhappenswhenyouconnectanintenseinternalstatetoaparticularstimulus.People,forexample,rememberthedetails of highly emotional experiences with no repetition at all. Can yourememberyourfirstkiss?Orthedeathofsomeoneclose?Peopleofacertainagecan always rememberwhere theywerewhen theyheard that JohnFKennedywasassassinatedormuchmorerecently,on9/11.Canyourememberwhereyouwerethatday,whatwereyoudoing?Theassociationismadeimmediately,ifthestateisintenseenough,andcanlastforever.

However, for an anchor to last for a long time, it has to be in some wayreinforced,butnottothepointwhereitturnsnegative.Thisisabsolutelyofvitalimportance.Youmustanchorwhenthestateisonthewayuporatitsverypeak,butnotwhen it inevitablystarts todiminishwith time.Pavlovfound that ifhestartedringingthebellandnotgivingthefood,intime,theresponsetothebellwoulddiminishandeventuallystop.

Youwillalsobefamiliarwiththattimewhenyouhadanewfavouritesong:youplayed it over and over again and every time you turned on the radio, it wasthere too, constantly, to the pointwhere youbecame sickof it andnow, eventhoughitwasonceyourfavouritetrack,youwillchangethechannelassoonasyouheartheopeningbars.Thediagrambelowdemonstratesthis:

Theotheraspecthastodowiththerichnessandintensityoftheexperienceoneisattemptingtoanchor.

Asanexample,imaginethatyouarepreparingforanintervieworanimportantmeetingoraudition.Oneofthechallengesinthistypeofsituationisinhavingthe ability to articulate what you know, but in an unusual high-pressureenvironment. For most people the experience is so intense that it’s hard totransfereverythingyouknowbecausetherealsituationissodifferentfromtheone in which you practised and studied. You practised your answers andresponsesathomeinacalmcomfortablestate,butintherealityofthemomentit’s a completely different situation thatmakes it difficult to remember all thethingsyoudoactuallyknow.

It’sexactlythesameforsportspeople:askilledprofessionalwillsinkthatputt,score that penalty or net that basket 99 times out of 100 in practice. Thedifferencebetweengoodandgreatisbeingabletodoitwhenthepressure’sonanditreallymatters.

One helpful strategy is to make an anchor. When you are preparing for apressuredsituationagreatideaistomakeaninternalanchor,suchasasymbol,orsomethingyoucantouchorhold,likeapenmaybe.Practiserehearsingforthebig day by running a visualization in your mind’s eye of everything goingexactlyasyouwouldwantitto.Maketheimageasdetailedandrealisticasyoucanandmakesureyouareseeingitthroughyourowneyes,fullyassociated,andaddinanysoundand,ofcourse,acalm,relaxed,confidentin-flowfeelingtoo.Allthewhileyouwillbeholdingyourpenorsimplypressingtogetherafingerand the thumbonyournon-dominanthand to create a little ‘calmbutton’ thatyoucanusewheneveryouneedit.

Iknowthatlotsofsportspeoplehaveasongtheyplayinthedressingroomandthenintheirheadsastheygooutontothefieldandmanygolfershaveacoinintheirpockettorubbeforeanimportantshottobringthembackintoanoptimal

state.Butyoumustbecarefulonlytoanchorgoodstates.Irememberwatchingthe TV coverage of the 2012 Ryder Cup: the European teamwasmaking itsfamousfinaldaycomebackwhenonthe16thor17thgreen,withthematchtiedall square, one of the Americans missed a crucial putt to put his Europeanopponentoneupwithoneortwoholestoplay.Hemissedtheputtandthenhecritically stayedwherehewas and took threeor fourpractice strokeswithhisputter.It’sallover,Ithought.Hehadjustmissedoneofthemostcrucialputtsofhiscareerand thenwhatdidhedowithall thatadrenalineanddisappointmentcoursingthroughhisbody?Heanchoredmissingtheputt…andhediditinbothsensesofrepetitionofstrengthandofstate.Thematchwasasgoodasoverrightthereandthen.Hedidn’tholeanotherputtinthematch.

Youmust set up an anchor in ‘state’,whichmeans the right state.Orbecomeanchored (used to) performing at your best in a heightened physical state andunder pressure. How many times have you seen the penalty shoot-out in theWorldCupFinal and playerswho could normally score atwillmiss from thespotwhenthepressureison?

Casestudy

Oneofthebiggestmistakesthatpeoplemakeistopractiseinonestateandperforminanother.Thisisnevermoreobviousthanintheworldofsport.Iwasonceaskedtohelpafootball(soccer)clubprepareforsomeverybiggamesthatwouldnotonlydefinetheirseason,butalsohaveahugebearingonthefinancialfutureofthewholeclub.Forreasonsofclientconfidentiality,Icanneitherconfirmnordenywhichcluborhowbigtheyarebut,whenIarrivedatthetrainingground,everyonewaslaughing,jokingand‘stayingrelaxed’,asthesehighlypaidprecision-kickingmachinesslottedballafterballpastthehaplessreservegoalkeeperinpreparationfortheirbigday.

Nowfortunatelytheirmanagerreallygotitandknewthatthedifferencethatwouldmakeallthedifferencewasinthemind,notonthefieldso,onebyone,theplayerslinedupatmydoor:somemuchkeenerthanothersandafewwhowereonlytherebecausetheyweretoldtobeandwouldobviouslyhavemuchratherbeenanywhere,andIdomeananywhere,else.Workingwiththe‘state’ofeachoftheplayersinturn,Icollapsedoldanchorsandassociations,effectivelywipingtheslatecleanofbadexperiencesandnegativeassociationstheyhadbuiltupovertheircareer:thatbadmisswasvastlyreducedorgone,thetimethey’dmissedthecrucialtackleconsignedtoadistantmemory.Weallhavesuch

things;they’lljustbeverydifferentforeveryone.ThenIstartedtoinstallnewresourceful,optimum-performancestatesandanchorthemtowhateverwasspecifictothatplayeronmatchday.

Nowthere’sonethingI’velearnedaboutallsportspeopleandit’sthattheydolovearoutine.Askanyofthemwhichbootorglovetheyputonfirstandthey’llanswerwithouthesitation.SoIsetnew‘goodasnew,bestversionofyouinahigh-pressureenvironment’associationsand,ofcourse,anchoredthemtosomethingIknewtheplayerswoulddefinitelydo.Tobeeffectivethishadtobespecifictoeachplayer.Forsomeitwasasong,othersasmellorpressingtogetherafingerandthumb.Whatevertheirdominantrepresentationsystem,wesetananchorthere.

Picturethesceneinthedressingroomatthenextgame:somepressingfingers,somewearingheadphoneslisteningtotheirfavouritetuneandsomesniffingandsmellingtheirtriggeranchor.Itdidn’tmatterhowsillyitalllooked,theywonandtheykeptonwinning,punchingwellabovetheirweightandfinishingalothigherintheleaguethananyonedreamtpossible–andbeatingsomeofthebiggestclubsintheworldalongtheway.Anchoring(ifdonecorrectly)canbeanincrediblyeffectiveNLPtool,butitmustbedonecorrectly,andwiththebestandmostresourcefulstateanchoredintherightenvironmentfortherightoutcome.

Asanaside,theEnglandfootballteamhavedevelopedabitofareputationforbeingratherterribleattakingpenalties.Theyhavegoneoutofsomanycompetitionswhenthegamehasgonetothewireandkicksfromthespot.Nowyoucouldarguethatthewayroundthatwouldbetojustgetbettersotheywinthegameinregulationtimeanditnevercomestothat.Butformetheproblemisnotwiththeirtechnique,it’sintheirheadsandhere’showIwouldfixit.

Whentheplayerspractise,theydosointherelaxedenvironmentofthetrainingpitch.Theproblemisthatmatchday,andparticularlythepressureofpenalties,isnothinglikethatatall–andisn’titthatpressurethatmakesthedifference?Theoneswhocanhandleitwillperformverydifferentlyfromtheoneswhocan’t,willtheynot?

Theplayersneedtopractisepsychologicallyandgetconditionedtoperformingunderpressure.Hell,weknowtheycanallkickaball;that’swhythey’resigned.Butsocantheotherguys.Theydon’ttrainforapressuresituationunderpressuresothattheygetusedtoit.Sohowdoyoudothat?Well,youfindsomethingthatmatterstothemandmakeitaconditionofthedesiredoutcome.

Now,ifIknowfootballers,therearetwothingsthatmattertothemandtheyareusuallylinked:theiregosandtheircars.Iwouldputbothatstakeandpractisewhereitmattersmosttothem.IfIweretobeasked(andyoucanmakeupyourownmindwhetherornotIhavebeen)I’dlookacrossthecarparktofindarustyheapofacarinthecorner,wellawayfromtheBentleysandPorsches(there’salwaysajuniordevelopmentplayer,a17-year-oldkidwho’llhavesaveduptobuyhisonlywayofgettingtotraining)andthiswouldbethepenaltyformissingthepenalty…Gameon.

I’dgetthemanagertogatherthemillionaireplayersaroundandtellthemthatwhateverIsaidwasgospelfortherestofthesession.Atthat,thelittlecarwouldlurchroundthecornerandthegroundsmanwouldparkitrightbehindthepracticegoal.Sowiththecarrightinthemiddleoftheirvisualfield,I’dtellthemtheywereallgoingtotakepenaltiesuntiltheymissed,atwhichpointthey’dhavetoformanotherlineandearntheirwaybackintothemainline–butonlywhenthey’dscoredthreegoalsinarow(justmywayofuppingthepressureevenfurther).However,iftheyweretheonlyoneoutofthemaingroupwhenthesessionended,theywouldbedrivinghomeinthelittlerustbucketandtheapprenticewouldbedrivinghomeintheirprideandjoysupercar.

TheotherthingIknowaboutallsportspeopleisthattheywanttoplay;theywillalmostnevergoagainsttheirmanagerandwilldoanythingtheyneedtodotomaketheteam–nomatterwhatleveltheyareplayingat.So,onebyone,they’dlineuptofacethegoalandthelittlerustycarand,onebyone,theirbodylanguagewouldchangeandthey’dbecomemoreseriousand,ofcourse,astheydid,they’dalsotightenupandbecomeworseatfootball–inthesamewaytheywouldgoingintoabiggame.Nowthecoacheswouldhavesomethingrealtoworkwith.

Idon’tworkwithplayers;Iworkwithstates.Iknownexttonothingaboutfootballbutthatdoesn’tmatterbecauseit’sthestatethatdrivesthebehaviour,justasitdoeswithallbehaviour,regardlessofwhereorwhatthatmightbe.

It’sonly‘instate’thecoachescanreallyworkinawaythatwouldmakeameaningfuldifference.Itwouldnotreallybesomuchaboutthecar,althoughthatwouldcertainlyputadentintheirstreetcred,butmuchmoreabouttheiregoandnotbeingtheonetoletthesidedown,andbeingteasedinthedressingroombyalltheotherguys.

Settingananchor

Settingananchor

AnanchorcanbesetinanyofourrepresentationalsystemsandI’msure,ifyouthinkabout it,youwillbeable tofindexamplesforyourself ineach.Someofmyclients’andminearevisual;forexample,Ioncehadamultimillionaireclientwhofelt sick in thepitofhis stomachevery timehesawanATMbecauseheassociated it, not with his wealth, but with when he was extremely poor andcouldn’tgetanymoneyout.Itwasthisavoidanceofpainthatdrovehimeverydayandstilldoes,Ithink.Forhim,it’snotthepursuitofwealththatmattersbutrathertheavoidanceofbeingpoor.

If your primary representation system is auditory, then a favourite song canimmediatelytakeyoubacktoatimeandplace.Ifyou’remorekinaestheticthinkofacuddlethat,whileveryniceinitsownway,bringsbackchildhoodfeelingsof being loved, doesn’t it? If you’re olfactory (smell) dominant then I defyanyone not to feel comforted by the smell of fresh bread baking. I alwaysremembermydadwhen I smell pipe tobacco.Hedidn’t smokeapipe, but hetookmetofootballmatcheswhenIwasakidandIguessthatwasthedominantsmell on the terraces in those days, so anytime I smell that sweet aroma, Iremembermydad.Ifyou’regustatory(taste), thenthinkofafavouritefoodortaste. InScotland, forexample,wehaveadessertcalledClootiedumpling–akindofdumplingwithlotsofspiceanddriedfruitthat,quitesimply,remindsmeofmylatemum.ShewouldalwaysmakeoneonspecialoccasionslikebirthdaysorChristmas,andaftershedied,Ijustcouldn’tbeartoeatit,nevermindtrytomakeit.Until thisyear that is,whenClaireandImadeClootiedumplingwithmymum’srecipeanditwaslikeshewasrightthereinthekitchenwithusasItuckedintomyfirstbiteinyears…nowthat’sananchor!

Anchors, aswe’ve said, canbe set in any representation systemand, put verysimply,happenwhenyoubringthe‘state’andthe‘anchor’togetherinthesameplaceatthesametime.

IfIweretomakeyoulaughwhiletouchingyouontheshoulderatthesametimethen,givenenoughrepetition in the rightstate,asimple touchon theshoulderwouldmakeyoulaugh.Simple!

Setananchor

Try it foryourself.Thinkofsomething thatmakesyoufeel really, reallygoodandasthegoodfeelingstartstobuild,justsqueezetogetheranyfingerandthe

thumb of your non-dominant hand. Add in your favourite song and turn thevolumeupinyourheadtothevolumethatmakesyoufeelreallygood.Nowtakethat feeling anddouble it in size and thendouble it in size again, all the timekeeping your finger and thumb together.Now, release your finger and thumband repeat those exact same steps a few more times until simply squeezingtogetheryourfingerandthumbmakesyoufeelreallygood.Cool,eh?

Thiswasakinaestheticanchor(youcanfeelyourfingerandthumbtogether)butyou can anchor to any of the representation systems; just choose one that’sappropriateforthestateyouwanttoanchor.

Conditionsforanchoring

Let’ssummarizethekeyelementsnecessaryforestablishinganeffectiveanchor.They essentially relate to important characteristics of both the stimulus andresponse you are attempting to pair up and to the context surrounding thatstimulusandresponse.

1.IntensityofresponseIntensity is just how fully/strongly a particular state or response has beenaccessedorrecalled.EvenduringAristotle’stime,around350BCE,itwasknownthat the more vivid and intense a particular response, the more easily it wasremembered, and the more quickly it would become associated with otherstimuli. Itwas easier for Pavlov to ‘condition’ hungry dogs to salivate than itwouldhavebeentoconditiondogsthathadonlyjusteaten,ifyouseemypoint.

Ifapersonhasaccessedonlyasmallamountofthestateorexperiencetheyareanchoring,theanchorcanonlybeassociatedwiththatparticularamountofstate;it isverymuchproportional like this. Incidentallyand interestingly, ‘intensity’does not simply have to do with a person’s degree of emotional response. Apersonmaybeinaverystrongdissociatedstate, inwhichtheyfeel littleornoemotionalreactionatall,andyetcanstillcreateverypowerfulanchors.

Casestudy

Ididsomethingverysimilarforaclient,ajockey.Someonewho,despitebeinganamateurriderandhavingaproperdayjob,alsocompetesattheverytop

levelofthesportingrouponeinternationalraces–nerve-wrackingasI’msureyoucanimagine.Thehorsecanverymuchsensethejockey’sstate(fearandnervesusually),soitisvitalthattheseguys,sittingontopofmillionsofpounds’worthofracingmuscle–andwithevenmoremillionsridingontheresult(ifyou’llpardonthepun)–staycalmbeforetherace.Imagineiftheperformanceofyourcarwasdirectlylinkedtoyourstatewhendrivingit.Well,it’sverymuchlikethatinhorseracing.

SowithSam,Ianchoreditsothathegotin‘state’automaticallyassoonasheputonhisgogglesbeforethestartoftherace.Assoonashedidthatandlookedthoughadifferent‘perspective’,hewas‘on’anditwastimetogo–heknewitandthehorseknewittoo.Theanchorfiredachangeinstateinthejockey,whichhethentransferreddirectlytohistrustysteed.Despitebeingprimarilyadentistwithaverysuccessfulchainofpractices,SamalsowonthehighlycovetedCheltenhamGoldCup,oneoftheoldestandmostprestigiousracesintheworldofhorseracing,andindoingso,establishedhimselfasoneofthegreatsofthesport.Nowthat’safeelingthat’sdefinitelyworthanchoring!

2.PurityThe‘purity’oftheresponseislargelytodowithwhetherornottheresponse,orexperience you are anchoring, has been ‘contaminated’ by other irrelevant orconflicting thoughts, feelings or reactions. So, for example, if reaching out toanchor someone with a touch makes them suspicious, or even threatened oruncomfortable,thenthatdiscomfortbecomespartofthestatethatisanchored.Ifyou ask a person to thinkof somethingpositive, but that person is recalling adissociatedmemoryoftheeventand,at thesametime, judgingwhetherornotthey have chosen the right event, you will also be anchoring dissociation,judgement and uncertainty. Simply, whatever their actual internal state at thetime becomes anchored – whether they necessarily mean it or not. Does thatmakesense?

3.TheuniquenessofthestimulususedastheanchorThe phenomenon of ‘uniqueness of stimulus’ relates to the fact that we arealways making associations between things in the world around us and ourinternalstatesandreactionsanyway.Somestimuliaresocommonandmundanethattheymakecompletelyineffectiveanchors,largelybecausetheyhavealreadybeenassociatedwithsomanyothercontextsandresponsesandforsuchalong

time.I’mnotsureyoucouldreallyanchormuchtothesightofalamppostoratree;evenjustshakinghandsisamuchlessuniquestimulusthanatouchonthemiddledigitwiththelittlefinger.Whenwasthelasttimethathappenedtoyou?Forthisreason,uniquestimulimakemuchbetterandlonger-lastinganchors.

4.TimingofthepairingofstimulusandresponseThe relationship in time between stimulus and response is one of the keyconditions of effective anchoring. According to the basic laws of association,when two experiences occur closely enough together a sufficient number oftimes, the two experiences become associated with one another. Studiesinvolving classical conditioning have shown (rather obviously) that thisassociationonlyproceeds forward in time: that is, the stimulus (thebell)mustprecedetheresponse(salivatingaboutfood).Fairlyobvious,Ithink.

The concept of anchoring was first introduced in NLP terms by Grinder andBandler’s now classic bookFrogs into Princes and, although I have used theexample of Pavlov to illustrate the point, the primary influence on NLPanchoringappears tohavebeen thegreathypnotherapistMiltonErickson,whoused his unique voice tonality to create and then deepen trance states in hisclients.ThroughtheirmodellingworkGrinderandBandlerdiscoveredEricksonwasamasterofauditoryanchoringandso‘modelled’thepatternintheirworkonNLP.

InNLP,theoptimalanchoringperiodisdeterminedinrelationshiptothepeakoftheintensityoftheresponseorthestateyouareanchoring.Itisgenerallytaughtthat theactofanchoringshouldbe initiatedwhen the response tobeanchoredhasreachedabouttwo-thirdsofitspeak–seethediagrambelowforareminderoftheoptimalanchoringperiod.

If possible, the anchoring stimulus shouldbehelduntil just after the state hasstabilizedbutbeforeitbeginstodiminish.Inthisway,anassociationiscreatedbetweenthestimulusandthepeakoftheresponse.Todothis,theresponsemustbechecked,or‘calibrated’aswecallitinNLP.Oftenthiscanbedonebygivingthefeelinganumberbetweenoneandtenandcheckingagainwhentheanchorisbeing set, then testing it afterwards togaugehowmuchof the intensityof thestatehasbeentriggeredbytheanchor.

Itisbesttoprovidetheanchoringstimulusjustbeforetheintensityoftheresponsereachesitspeak.

5.ContextsurroundingtheanchoringexperienceLast,butveryimportant,thecontextisacriticalinfluenceonanchoringandonethatisoftenignored.

The context, or environment, surrounding an interaction contains manyinfluences,whichmay affect the anchoring process.Even though they are nottheprimaryfocusofattention,environmentalcuescanalsobecomeanchoredinwhat iscalled‘contextassociation’. Imagineyouareanchoringastateofcalmandanambulancewithitssirenblaringgoespast,oryouwanttoanchorthestateof being focused but you’re in a room with a ticking clock. The generalenvironmentmaybegin tocausea responsecontrary to thatbeingdeliberatelyanchored.

Itisinterestingtonotethat,inthisregard,Pavlovfirstaccidentlydiscoveredthenotionof‘conditionedreflexes’asaresultof‘contextualconditioning’.Forhisresearch on digestion, Pavlov needed to collect saliva from his laboratoryanimals.Hestimulatedsalivaflowbyplacingmeatpowderinthedog’smouth;soon he noticed the dog would begin salivating simply at the sight of theexperimenter, in the expectation of receivingmeat powder – a happy accidentbutnothisintentionatall.

Insomecases,contextualstimulimaycombinewiththemanyanchoringstimulitomake the environment part of the overall anchored experience. Because ofthis,manyanchorsare‘contextdependent’.Thatis,theyworkmoreeffectivelyinthecontextinwhichtheywereinitiallyestablished.

Exactlyaswesaidearlier,morepeoplepassexamsintheclassroomwheretheylearnedthaninastrangeroomandmorepeoplepasstheirdrivingtestiftheysitit in thecar that theylearnedin,becauseheretheyareanchoredtothecontext

(theclassroomorthecar),whichhelpsthemtoaccessacalmstate(theyareusedtobeingthere)andalsoisananchortoaccessingtheabilityitself.Itallmakessensewhenyouthinkaboutit,doesn’tit?

Wheredoyouknowyoualreadyhaveanchorsset?AswithalmosteverythinginNLP,itisreverse-engineeredfromwhathappensnaturally;herewejusthavetheknow-how to ‘bottle it’ and use these same principles at will. I wonder howquicklyyoucansetanewanchorforsomethingthatwouldbeusefultoyou?Ifyouwanttolearnmorequickly,don’ttrytocrammorein;anchorcuriosityandgofromthere.It’stimetothinkalittlebitdifferentlytogetwhatyouwant.Startwithanchoringtheright‘state’fortherightoutcome,andthengofromthere.

Chapter8

Metamodel–deletions

Nowbeforewestartthischapter,IwouldadviseyoutogoandmakeacupofteaanddeleteallmemoryofEnglishclassatschool:wearegoingtobeusingsomeof the same terminology but in a very differentway.Wemaywell be talkingaboutnounsandverbsandeven lostperformatives,butbeforeyouglazeover,this is going to be an eye-opening rather than eye-closing and zzz-inducingsection,Ipromise.Soifyou’reready,let’sdelveintothedeepsentencestructureofthemetamodelandlearnhowtoturnyourlifeintoHD.

Despitewhatyoumighthavereadelsewhere,themetamodelisnotaseriesofinterrogation-typequestions to forcepeople to fill in themissingblanks in thewaytheydescribetheirproblemsandtheworldaroundthem–althoughitmostcertainly canbe that if you come at it from thewrongplace.Weknowbetterthanthatandsowearegoingtoapproachthemetamodelasalanguagetoolforchangingour internalmapof theworld.Rememberwetouchedonthisearlier,thatweallhavedeletions,distortionsandgeneralizationsinthewayweprocessthe world around us. Well, when working with a client, I am much moreinterested inuncoveringwhat theydon’t say thanwhat theydo.What theydosay is only reallywhat’s left andwhat they have got used to including in thestoryeverytimetheytellit.

Whatismuchmoreinterestingisalltheinformationleftout,andtheanalyticaluseofthemetamodelprovidesuswithanumberofproblem-solvingstrategies.

Wehaveproblems,notbecausetheworldisn’tdetailedenough,butbecauseourinternalmapsaren’tdetailedenough.

NLPKnow-how

Remember,NLPisahybrid,acollectionofwhatworks,thegreatesthitsifyoulike,fromlotsofothersources,andthemetamodelisfirmlybasedintheworkofAlfredKorzybski,aPolish-Americanphilosopherandscientist.Heisbestrememberedfordevelopingthetheoryofgeneralsemantics.Inhiswork,Korzybskiarguedthathumanknowledgeoftheworldislimitedbyboththehumannervoussystemandbythestructureofthelanguagewecommonlyuse.

Korzybskithoughtthatpeopledonothaveaccesstodirectknowledgeofreality;rather,theyhaveaccesstoperceptionsandtoasetofbeliefsthathumansocietyhasconfusedwithdirectknowledgeofreality.Korzybskiisrememberedastheoriginalauthorofthephrase,‘Themapisnottheterritory.’

Thepurposeofthemetamodel

ThismodelisoneofthefoundationsofNLPasweknowit.Ournervoussystemdeletes and distorts whole portions of reality in order to make the worldmanageableandeasiertoprocessandbecomesthesourcecodeforourbehaviourbycreatingtherulesandprogramsforhowwedothings–allthings.

Wedeleteinformationtoavoidbeingoverwhelmed.Butthedownsideisthatwedon’tseeallthechoiceswehaveavailable.Wenaturallyattendtoourprioritiesand overlook other things that we might perceive to be unimportant or notrelevant.

Weknowwealsogeneralizeinformationinordertosummarizeandpigeonholewhatwehaveexperienced.Dealingwithcategoriesismuchlessdemandingthandealing with individual bits of information, which all need to be handledseparately.Thinkofyour computer;youhave folders andwithin those foldersyouhavesubfoldersandthenfilessothatyoudonotneedtohaveeverysinglefileonyourdesktop.So,forexample, ifweweretohaveaconversationaboutcats,wecantalkaboutcatsasacategoryratherthaneachindividualcatthatwehave evermet or everythingweknowabout cats or every picture of a catwehave ever seen. Instead, we can generalize ‘cats’ and have a meaningfulconversation,evenifitdoesatthatlevellackalotofdetail.

Last, of course, we distort information as, for instance, when we plan orvisualizethefuturetomakegoalsorevenjustplanwhatwearegoingtodonext.Everytimeweplananythingwearedistortinginformation,wearemakingupanot-yet-happenedreality.

Soratherthantryingtoprocessalltheinformationweareeverexposedtoonourdesktop, we create internal maps of the world so that we are able to form aworkingmodelof theworldaroundusandknowhow tobehave in thatworldand in different situations, even those thatwe have never experienced before.We knowhow to do that because it’s a bit like some other situationwe havegeneralizedandstoredinafilesomewhere.Ithinkyougettheidea.

Weusethesethreeuniversalmodellingprocessestobuildourmapsormodelsoftheworld.TheterminologyusedhereinNLPcomesfromthefieldoflinguisticsandmayseemquitestrange,butdon’tletthatworryyou.I’mnotgoingtotestwhetheryouknowalltheterms;theimportantthingisthattheymakesense,youcan spot them in action and knowwhat to do with them. So, let’s start withfindingwhat’smissing.

Metamodeldeletions

Aswehavesaidpreviouslybutisdefinitelyworthrecapping,wepayattentiontosome parts of our experiences but not others. The millions of sights, sounds,smells and feelings in the external environment and our internalworldwouldoverwhelmusifwedidn’tdeletemostofthem,andthisisdescribedbyBandlerandGrinderasfollows:

‘Deletionisaprocessbywhichweselectivelypayattentiontocertaindimensionsofourexperienceandexcludeothers.Take,forexample,theabilitythatpeoplehavetofilteroutorexcludeallothersoundinaroomfullofpeopletalkinginordertolistentooneparticularperson’svoice…Deletionreducestheworldtoproportions,whichwefeelcapableofhandling.Thereductionmaybeusefulinsomecontextsandyetbethesourceofpaininothers.’10

Forinstance,deletingenablesustotalkonthephoneinthemiddleofacrowdedstation.Wetuneintowhatisimportantandtuneoutwhatwethinkisnot.Justlike hearing our name mentioned across the room at a party, it stands outbecausethereisnothingwearemoreattunedtothanourownname,butjustaswearealsodeletinginformationhere,wearedoingexactly thesamewhenwethinkofourselvesashavinglimitedchoices.Weoftenoverlookproblem-solvingsolutionsbecausewehavedeletedthoseoptionsfromourinternalmap.

So let’s get straight to it and learn some patterns to help you uncoverwhat’sgonemissing,giveyoumorechoicesandrecoverwhatwasthereallalong.

Deletionpatterns

UnspecifiednounsUnspecified nouns are nouns (a person/being or thing)where you don’t knowwhoorwhat thespeaker isspecifically talkingabout.NLPcalls thisa‘lackofreferential index’.Don’tyou just love these terms?Sodon’tworryaboutwhatit’scalled,unlessyouwant to impress/boreyourfriends, that is,and justworkwithitthisway.

Not knowing who or what the person is talking about can result inmisunderstanding.You(orthey)tendtofillinthegapswithyour(ortheir)ownideas.Inotherwords,wedon’tknowsoweguess/makeupandthenactonthatguess.

Take, for example, the following phrase, ‘They say this is easy.’ You couldmakeup‘who’saysand‘what’ iseasybutwedon’tknow.Theassumptioninthiscontextmightbe‘peoplewhoknowaboutNLPsaythismetamodelstuffiseasy’, but we don’t know that for sure do we? We have just wrapped thatmeaning around it tomake sense in the context of learning aboutNLP. Ifwetookanequally relevantcontext, it couldbemy thoughtsonwriting thisbookwhere‘they’becomesmypublisherorevenmyfriendsand‘this’istheprocessofwriting.

Weoftentalkaboutthismythicalgroupofpeoplecalled‘they’,forexample:

‘Theywon’tlikeme.’

‘Theyneedtosortit.’

Canyouseehowthiskindofthinkingcanvastlylimitus,whenwerespondtothemratherthantorealspecificpeople?Somemoreexamples:

Themanagement.

Peoplewhodon’tplayfair.

Thegirlsintheoffice.

Then there’s theotherpartof thedeletion (theunspecifiedverb) in, ‘Theysaythisiseasy’–Whatiseasy?

Turningonthecomputer?

Learningthemetamodel?

Writingabook?

‘Ithinktheyhavelosttheplot.’–Who?

Thebank?

Thegovernment?

Movieproducers?

Whatplothavetheylost,arealoneorametaphoricalone?

‘It’sdelightful’–Whatisdelightful?

Theweather?

Thesarcasm?

Thecompany?

Theview?

Inshort,torecoverthedeletionyouwanttofindoutspecificallywhoorwhatthepersonistalkingabout.Thisword‘specifically’givesusagreatlittleshort-cutcheat.Watch…

Questionstorecoverthemissinginformation

‘Whichmembersofmanagementspecifically?’

‘Managementofwhatspecifically?’

‘Whichpeopledoyoumeanspecifically?’

‘Whichgirls’specifically?’

‘Whatspecificallydelightsyou?’

Doyounoticeapattern?Good,sothatwaseasy.Nowit’stimetomovefromthethingtowhatitisdoing.InEnglishclass,wecallthatthe‘verb’.

Unspecifiedverbs:UnderstandingtheprocessUnspecifiedverbsarethedoingpartsinasentencethatdon’tfullydescribethe

actiontakingplace.Theydon’tgiveenoughinformationtoletyouknowwhatisactuallyandaccuratelygoingonforthem.People(whichpeople?)usuallyfillinthegapwiththeirownexperience,abitlikemind-reading.

Asimplewaytotestisthisistoaskyourself:areyouabletopicturetheeventsinsomeone’sstatement?Ifyoucan’t,ortheprocessisfuzzy,thereisprobablyanunspecifiedverb(ornoun)lurkingintheresomewhere.

Trythis:‘Hehurtme’–soIamtryingondifferentthingsinmymindlike…

Heaccidentallydroppedsomethingonyourfoot?

Hegaveyouarudegesture?

Heforgotyourbirthday?

‘Mybossfrustratesme.’

Takestoolonginthebathroom?

Doesnotgiveclearinstructions?

Doesnotpromoteyouwhenyoufeelyoudeserveit?

Theirchildrenbehaverudely.

Dotheymakelotsofnoise?

Leavethetoiletseatup?

Throwuponyourdog?

I’msureyou’rebeginningtogetafeelforthisnow.OK,sonextup,andcloselyrelatedtounspecifiedverbs,arewhatwecall‘nominalizations’.

Nominalizations are just unclear verbs that we twist into nouns. Delete thendistort.Saying‘Iamdesperateforsuccess’wouldbeanexample.Successisnota‘thing’.Wecan’tputitinourpocketorcarryitaroundinabagyetwemakeitintoa‘thing’tomakesenseofit–justthesameaswedowithlove,happinessandpeace.Ofcourse, to someextent, everyverb isunspecified.Wewouldbeoverwhelmed if we specified everything.Whatwill you gain by havingmoreinformation on a particular verb? Again, we can use our quick cheat here toquicklyrecoverthemissinginformationbyasking,

‘Howspecificallydidyourfriendhurtyou?

‘Howspecificallydoesyourbossfrustrateyou?

‘Howspecificallydotheybehaverudely?

SimpledeletionsSimpledeletionsarejustwherepartofthemeaningisleftoutorlost.Youcannotice them in sentenceswith the and that and alsowhen referring tomissingdescriptions(adjectives)–asin‘Pleasegivemethereport.’

Assumingthatyouknowwhichcategoryorthingthepersonmeanscangetyouintotrouble.Youthinkyouknowwhatthebosswantswhenshesays,‘Getmeareportonitstraightaway.’Youmakeituptofillinthedeletiongaps.Wewastetimecreatingsomethingthatquiteprobablydoesn’tsuitthepurposejustbecauseitmakessenseinourmind.

Hereareafewmore:

‘I’msoangry.’

Aboutworldpeace?

AboutmyfavouritenotwinningXFactor?

AboutbeingtrickedoutofeverythingIown?

‘Ibrokemypromise.’

Tobehomeontime?

Tolove,honourandobey,forsakingallotherstilldeathdouspart?

ToclimbMountEverestbeforeIwas40?

Notice how specifically one little word can get us right back to all theinformationweneedsoveryquickly.

Questionstorecoverthemissinginformationwouldbe:

‘Whatspecificallyareyouangryabout?’

‘Whichpromisespecifically?Towhomspecifically?’

ComparativedeletionsComparative deletions are actually hypnotic words with which we make acomparison but don’t explain what we are comparing. There is some kind ofstandardorjudgementinvolved,butitisn’tmadespecificallyclear.

Whenyouacceptajudgementwithoutunderstandingwhat’sbehindit,youcanget stuck. Many self-esteem issues come from deciding someone is better ormoreworthy at a general level rather thanquestioning the standard. ‘Better atwhat specifically?’ If youdon’t knowwhat the standard is, howcanyou evermeasureuptoit?

Vague unquantified comparisons use words like better, best, harder, faster,stronger,improved,more,less,very,bigger,smaller,brighter,louder,healthier,superior, smarter, enhanced.You’ll find thatmarketers love these terms.Theyslip in a percentage togetherwith the comparison so it soundsmore credible.(Didyouspotthedeliberatedeletion–morecrediblethanwhat?)

‘Get20percentbetterhairwithnewimprovedHairie-poo.’

BetterthanoldunimprovedHairie-poo?

Betterthanwhat?Washinginmuddywater?

Betterthanthemarket-leadingalternative?

‘BurgersarebiggerandbetteratSam‘n’Ella’scafé.’

Biggerthanwhat?Thecockroachesinthekitchen?

Biggerthanattheplacenextdoor?

1percentbiggeror95percentbigger?

‘Buyourdouble-strengthadhesive!’

Doublethestrengthofwhat?Jam?

Doublethestrengthofwelding?

Nowitlaststwodaysinsteadofjustone?

‘Heismuchmoreintelligent.’

Moreintelligentthanwhat/who?

Thantheaverageconifer?

ThantheaverageMensamember?

Thanalltheotherapplicantsforthejob?

Questionstorecovercomparativedeletions:

Betterthanwhatspecifically?

Biggerthanwhatspecifically?

Doublethestrengthofwhatspecifically?

Moreintelligentthanwhoorwhatspecifically?

WithoutwishingtosoundlikeDonaldRumsfeldandhis‘unknownknowns’and‘knownunknowns’,itreallydoeshelptobeawareofwhatisn’tthere.Oratleastisn’tsaid.Weuselanguageveryliterally,butreallypayingattentionnotjusttowhat is saidbutalsowhat isassumedandwhat isdeleted, Ihopeyoucanseethatwecanveryquicklystarttouncoverhowsomeoneiscreatingtheirmapandexperienceoftheworld.Understandingthemetamodelandchallenging(gently)someof thesedistinctionsnotonlyhelps toenrichourunderstanding,butalsotheotherperson’stoo.It’salittleliketurningthepictureintoHDsothatyoucanseewhat’salwaysbeentherebutjustwasn’tobvious.Themoreyouareaware,themorechoiceyouhave,simpleasthat.

Pleasedon’tworrywhatsoeverabouttheterminologyinthissection.That’snottheimportantpart.Whatisimportantisthatyouget,andbegintoseeandhear,what’smissing,everybitasmuchaswhatisthere.Veryoftenthekeyisintheunspoken word, in what’s being assumed when that assumption can be verylimitingindeed.Assumenothing…Gofindout.

Chapter9

Metamodel–generalizationpatterns

Next up in ourwhistle-stop tour ofNLP, and still verymuchwithin themetamodel, iswhatweknowas ‘generalizationpatterns’ or ‘universal quantifiers’.Again,youwillspotwhat’sgoingonherefromeverydayconversations. Iwillgiveplentyofexamplessoyoudon’tevenneedtothinkabouttheterminology;justallowyourselftonoticehowmanyyoualreadyknowoncetheyarepointedouttoyou.ButthisishowBandlerandGrinderdescribegeneralizationpatternsandthereasonwhyweshouldbeawareofthem:

‘Generalizationistheprocessbywhichelementsorpiecesofaperson’smodelbecomedetachedfromtheiroriginalexperienceandcometorepresenttheentirecategoryofwhichtheexperienceisanexample.Ourabilitytogeneralizeisessentialtocopingwiththeworld…Thesameprocessofgeneralizationmayleadahumanbeingtoestablisharulesuchas,“Don’texpressanyfeelings.”’10

When using universal quantifiers, you are effectively saying, ‘There are noexceptionsandthereforetherearenochoiceseither.’Andofcourse,wealreadyknowthatthisisalmostneverthecase,butsometimesitcanbeusefultoframethingslikethisasin,forexample,‘Youwillalwaysfindawayifyoupersevere.’But most of the time, we will be challenging these universal quantifiers, tounpickthescopeforchangethatyoudidn’tevenknowwasthere.

The biggest problem with this kind of language pattern is that it createslimitations forus.Wedon’teven look fora solutionbecauseweassume thereisn’tone.Wecanseverelylimitourselves,especiallywhenitcomestothescopeofthelanguageweuseinourminds.

Hypnotizingintobelief

Hypnotizingintobelief

Languagematters.Thinkaboutitthisway:ataverysimplelevel,let’ssupposewedidn’thaveaword forsomething.Howdoweknowhowto treat it?Thenlet’s say thatwehave a very limited scope for expression– let’s sayweonlyhavethewordshappyandsad–doesthatmeanthatwecanonlyoperateinthoseparameters?

Casestudy

WritingthisremindsmeofatimeIwasinvitedtodinnerinAbuDhabiwithsomeeminentliterarypeople,notmynaturalhabitatatall,andasIsatlistening(inthemostintelligentmannerIcouldmusterbetweenyawns…itwasthejetlag,honest!)toconversationsaboutbooksI’dnotevenheardof,letalonemypreferenceforwhichlanguagetheytranslatedintobest,mylittlebrainwentwhirlingofftotrytofindsomecommongroundonwhichIcouldactuallycontributetotheconversation.

Whathappenednext,though,wasquiteremarkable.Ididn’tconsciouslyrealizeIwasusingmyNLPknowledge,butwhenyoujointhedotsyou’llseewhathappened.Ipiecedtogetherthedifferentpartsoftheconversationandgottothinking,‘Ifthesamebookistranslatedintoadifferentlanguage,howisitthatsomeonecanhaveapreferenceforoneovertheother?Surelyyouwouldjustprefertheonewritteninyournativetongue?’

WhenIputthattothegroup,theyall(andatgreatlength)explainedthatthiswasnotthecaseassomelanguagesarefarmorefullanddescriptivethanothers,sowhenabookistranslatedfromanexpressivelanguagelikeEnglishorFrenchtoalessflexiblelanguagelikeArabic,manyofthesubtletiesanddistinctionswillbemissedasthelanguagejustdoesn’thavethescopeandbreadthofexpression.Theoppositeisalsotrueandtranslationsbetweenlanguagesmayalsoaddmoredescriptionandenrichthetextwithagreaterdepthofemotionandfeeling.IhadtakenforgrantedhowdeepanddescriptivetheEnglishlanguagereallyis;justliketheInuitpeoplehavemanydifferentwordsforsnow,inScotland,wehavejustasmanyforrain.

So, if it’s the case that the flexibility and scope of the language affects theexperience of reading the book, is it also true of the people who speak the

languageandtheirexperienceoftheworldaroundthem?Soifyouhavelimitedscopefordistinctionandlotsofgeneralizations,isitnotthereforejustaslikelythatyouwillbemissingoutonlotsofchoices?Youseemypoint?

Universal quantifiers to look out for arewords such as ‘all’, ‘every’, ‘never’,‘always’.

Whenyouhearthesewords,theperson(oryourself)isclearlyshowingyoutheirbeliefs.Payattentionwhenyouusethem,particularlyifit’stodowithaproblemyou’vehadforawhile.Howoftendoyouhearyourselfsaythingslike…

‘I’llnevergetthisright.’

‘Theworldisagainstme.’

‘Ialwaystrytodomybest,butshejusthatesme.’

‘Heneverlistenstome.’

I’msuresomeofthesearealltoofamiliartoyou,justastheyaretomostpeopletheworldover,regardlessoftheirnativelanguage.Thisissimplybecausewedoallliketogeneralizeandsimplifyhowweprocesstheworldtomakesenseofit.Butjustasbefore,itisnotinwhat’ssaidthatwefindtheusefuldistinctions;it’sinwhat’snot.It isalways farmorepowerful toseesomethingnewthantoseesomethingoldyetagain.

Trysomeofthese‘recovery’or‘uncovering’questionsandseehowmuchmoredetailandchoiceyoucanaddwithjustafewwell-chosenwords.

‘HasthereeverbeenatimewhenIdidgetitright?’

‘You mean every single person in the whole world is against you?Everyone?’

‘Howdoyouknowshehatesyou?’

‘Sohe(whoishe?)hasneverlistenedtoyouaboutanything,ever?’

I’msureyougettheideaofhowthisworks.Nowwe’regoingtomoveontooneofmypersonalfavouritepatternsandshowyoujusthowquicklyyoucanchangethewayyoufeelaboutsomethingbyusingevenjustonesingleword.Beforewedothis,though,Iwantyoutopayparticularattentiontoyourfeelings.

Howdoyoufeelinsiderightnow?

Whatonewordwouldyouusetodescribeyourowninternalexperience?

Howquicklydoyouthinkyoucouldchangethatfeeling?

Let’splaywithsomemodaloperatorsandfindout.

Modaloperators–anothermetamodelgeneralization

Theterm‘modaloperators’mightsoundabitoddbut itsimplyrefersto‘yourmodeofoperating’.Modaloperatorsarejustwordslike‘must’,‘should’,‘can’t’,‘have to’, ‘mustn’t’, ‘can’, ‘will’ and, in fact, ‘just’ itself, and all indicatepossibility or necessity. There is a big difference between doing somethingbecause you feel you have to or you should or because you want to. Justchanging thatonewordmakesaworldofdifference inhowyou feel about it,doesn’tit?

Howoftendowefeelasifwehavetodocertainthingsandhavenochoice?Atthosetimes,wetendtousewordssuchas‘should’,‘must’,‘haveto’,‘needto’,‘oughtto’.Operatorsofimpliednecessitymostoftencreatestressstatesthatareself-imposedandalmostalwaysdisenablinginsomeway.Butafurtherproblempresents itself with the use of implied necessity modal operators. We veryseldomreallyquestionwhetherweactuallyhavetodocertainactivitiesorfeelacertainway;wejustsortofassumethatweshouldandsoweactfromaplaceoflimitedornochoicewhentherealitycanbeverydifferent.

Mostofthetime,wedon’tstopandexaminetherealconsequencesofnotdoingthosethings.Instead,wejustcarryonwiththesenseofbeingharddoneby.Thisis probably most obvious when you hear other people use these words in acontextyouwouldn’t.

‘IhavetotidythehousebeforeClairegetshome.’

‘Ishouldbehomeintimetogotothegym.’

‘Imustgetthischapterfinishedtoday.’

Aswithallmetamodelpatternswearegoingtoworkwith,therearesomeverysimple recovery questions that enrich the experience and add so much morechoicethanifwejustacceptthestatementatfacevalueasanabsolute.

Noticewhenyouspotothersusingandmisusingmodaloperatorsandtryafewsimplequestionstoseewhathappensnext.Thebestway,aswithallthisstuff,is

toplaywith it in the realworld.NLP isapractical subject reverse-engineeredfromwhathappensnaturallyanyway,sohaveaplayandseehowyougetonandwhatyoudiscoverwhenyouask…

‘Whatwouldhappenifyoudidn’t?’

‘Whatwouldhappenifyoudid?’

‘Whatwouldbetheconsequences?’

Statesofnecessitydriveustomeetdeadlinesforsure.Imightverywellstayupallnighttofinishthischapterandmeetmyself-imposeddeadline,butthereisnorealneed to do so.Nothingwill happen if I do, and nothingwill happen if Idon’t.TheonlypossibleuseIcouldhaveforthismodaloperatoristoimposeamotivatoroffearontheproceedingsandI’mnotsurehowthat’sgoingtohelpanyone.

But,ofcourse,thatisexactlywhatmanypeopledotohelpthemfocusalltheirresources to reach important goals. Many find it motivating, but it will onlyreallyeverbeinanawayfrom‘pain’sense,inthesensethatthereisanimpliedthreatof somethingbadhappening ifyoudon’t and so toavoid thatpain,youforce yourself to do the task, not for the benefit itwill bring you, but for theavoidanceofpainifyoudon’t.Effectiveitmaybe,butstressful,itdefinitelyis.Thereisabigdifferencebetween,‘I’dliketomakeextramoneythismonth’and‘Ihavetomakeextramoneythismonth’.Orwhat?Sayswho?

Necessity-type thinking diverts us away from othermuchmore important andusefuloutcomesbycreatingakindoftunnelvision.Youwilloftenhearpeopletalking about being focused on their goals, but if you take a slightly differentperspective on this, youwill see that being focused on your goals as you seethem and, more particularly, your perceived route to achieving them,automaticallyandbyitsverydefinitionrulesoutalltheotheroptions.

Now,addintothemixthatyouknowourperceivedchoicesarealwayspassedthrough the filter of our personal experience and then subject to deletions,distortionsandgeneralizations,andyouwillseethatjustthinkingitistherightorbestway todo somethinggivesyouvery little guarantee that it actually is.Surely it would be much better to stay open to the best way and to newopportunities as they present themselves rather than be blinkered on the otherwayatallcosts.

Inmyexperienceinlookingaftersomeoftheworld’smostsuccessfulpeople,a

goalcanneverbeaspowerfulasaninspiringidea.

Oneisoutsideinandtheotherisinsideout.It’sabitlikewanttoversusshould.Just try those yourself right now.Which is more powerful and motivating, awanttoorashould?Well,inmyexperience,peopleneverneedapeptalkoramotivational seminar todosomething that theyactuallywant todo in the firstplace.Butwith should, they try to find tools andways (NLP included) to getthemselvestodothingsthattheythinktheyshoulddobutdon’treallywantto.

Ifyouwantyourlifetochangequickly,don’tsetanymoregoals.Instead,focusondoingthingsthatmakeyoufeelinspiredandwhenyouareinspired,goanddo that instead.That’safterallwhatyouwant todo. Ihavenevermetanyonewho needsmotivating to collect their lottery winnings – coincidence? I thinknot.

‘People are always gonna try to tell you how to run your life; great, listen tothembutfollowyourheartandyou’lllastforever…’Ithinkthisquotewasthefirstpieceofself-helpadviceIeverreadandonethathasservedmewell.Itdidnotcome fromsomeguru inabookeither; itwas in thenotes forLitaFord’salbumLita,whichwasoneofmyfavouritealbumsatthetime.

Ididnotmetamodelitbackthen,butifIhaditwouldhavegonesomethinglikethis. ‘People [whichpeople?]arealways[reallyalways?]gonna try to tellyou[who?]howtorunyourlife[allofmylife,ineveryaspect?];great[isthatreallygreat, says who?], listen to them [everything ‘they’ say, always?] but followyourheart[where?HowdoIdothat?]andyou’lllastforever…’

Wecanpickanythingapartwiththemetamodelbutpleasedon’t,wordscanbewiseeveniftheyarenotsemanticallycompleteandhowweinterpretthemcanbeverygoodaswellasverylimiting;thatchoiceisalways(yes,always)yours.

OK,moremeta…

Modaloperatorsofimpossibility

Weoftentalkaboutthingsasthoughtheyareimpossibletoachieveordo.Ourunconsciousaccepts theseasthereforeautomaticallyreal limitations.Thesearewordssuchas‘can’t’,or‘impossible’.

‘Ijustcan’tfindlove.’

‘Ijustcan’tgetupinthemorning.’

‘It’simpossibletotalktoher.’

Andasyoumightexpectbynow,therearesomereallyratherobviouswaystocheatyourwaytouncoveringmoreusefulinformationandenrichingthepersonand your own map of the world. The information is there; it has just beengeneralizedandwith thesequestionsweare, ineffect, just zooming in togainmoredetail.Tryoutthesesimplerecoveryquestionstogetyourzoomfiredupforallthedetailanddistinctionsyou’lleverneed.

‘Whatstopsyou?’

‘Whatwouldhappenifyoudid?’

‘Whatwouldhappenifyoucould?’

Andthenmypersonalfavourite,

‘What’sthatallabout?’

Simple,Iknow,butyouwillbeamazedatwhatcomesup.

Withmesofar?Good.Well, thenextisperhapsthetrickiestofpatternstogetyourheadaroundintheabstractsoagainIwillmakeitaseasyaspossiblewithafewreal-lifeexamples.

Complexequivalences

Again, don’t worry about the fancy title. Complex equivalences involveconstructingbeliefsoutofgeneralizationsandlinkingtwoexperiencestogetherfornorealreasonotherthanwethinkthatway.However,itcanfeelvery,veryrealandrestrictiveuntilyoushinethespotlightofafewrecoverywordsonit.

Casestudy

Forexample,someonemaybelievethatanotherperson’snotmakingeyecontactmeanstheyhavesomethingtohideorthattheydon’tlikethem.IdidahugeNLPeventrecentlyandintheaudiencewasaguywhohadactivelygoneoutofhiswaytoavoidaco-workerforfouryearsbecause,onhisfirstdayatthejob,thisotherpersonhadnotmadeeyecontactwithhimastheypassedinthecorridor.

Myguyinstantlyformedtheassumptionandthenbeliefthattherewasaproblembetweenthem.Nothinghadactuallyhappenedtoproveitotherthanhehadenoughevidenceforhimselfsoheneverquestionedit…rightupuntiltheguyinquestiongotintheliftwithhimandsaid,‘We’veneverreallyspoken;Iwonderedifyoudidn’tlikemeforsomereason.Ihopethat’snotthecasebecauseIcan’tthinkwhy.’Sometimesitisaprettyweaklink,butitmakessensetothepersonatthetimeevenifitdoesn’ttoanyoneelse,noteventhepersoninvolved.

Uncoveringthethingswe’vemadeequalcanbeincrediblyliberating.

‘Igotthebigdeal;myproblemsaredefinitelyover.’

‘Ifyouhaven’tmadeitbythetimeyouare30,youneverwill.’

‘Hedidn’tsmileatme;hedoesn’tlikeme.’

‘Ididn’tgetthejob;theydon’trespectwomen.’

So,that’sthepattern;let’sgetstraighttothequickrecoveryquestions.

‘Howdoesthebigdealsolveyourproblems?’

‘Howspecificallyisagerelatedtowealth?’

‘Howissmilingrelatedtoliking?’

‘Iftheyrespectedwomen,wouldtheydefinitelyhavegivenyouthejob?’

Again,thebestplacetopractisetheseisintherealworld.Goandplay!

Iwonderhowmuchandhowquicklyyour lifecouldchange ifyoudidn’t justjump to those kinds of conclusions. Just because you think it and even if it‘makessense’doesnotmean it’s true…This is something to thinkabout,andyetanotherwaytoexperienceasmallchangemakingabigdifference.

Chapter10

Metamodel–distortions

Thethirdkeyelementtothemetamodelare‘distortions’,whichareresponsiblefor some of themostmajor limitations and the creation of some very limitedinternalmapsof theworld.Anythingwemakeup,or thatwehavenosensoryevidenceforisadistortion.

Maybe you’re thinking, ‘I don’t make things up, I am a very down-to-earthperson’.Butthinkaboutthis…oftenwehavetomakesomethingup–infact,inorder tounderstandandmakesenseofanything thathasnotyethappened,wehavetomakeuphowwethinkitwillbe.Everythingfromaholidaytowantingtogetmarriedorhaveafamilyorplanningforretirementhastobeconstructedinordertomakesenseofthem.Andtoconstructthem,youhavetomakethemupofthebitsandpiecesyouhavelyingaroundinyourpersonalexperienceofhow you have experienced things so far and how you have experienced themthroughotherpeople. Inotherwords,yousimplyhave tocreateamapofhowyouthinktheworldwillbeonedayandthenplanforthat.

NLPKnow-how

RichardBandlerandJohnGrinderdefinedmetamodeldistortionsthus:‘Distortionistheprocesswhichallowsustomakeshiftsinourexperienceofsensorydata.Fantasy,forexample,allowsustoprepareforexperienceswhichwemayhave,beforetheyoccur…Itistheprocesswhichhasmadepossiblealltheartisticcreationswhichweashumanshaveproduced…Similarly,allthegreatnovels,alltherevolutionarydiscoveriesofthesciencesinvolvetheabilitytodistortandmisrepresentpresentreality.’10

Distortions are responsible for some of the most major limitations and thecreationofsomeverypoormaps.Anythingwemakeup,orthatwehavenorealsensory evidence for, is a distortion. For example, have you ever speculatedaboutwhatmightbecausingthetrafficjamorthefaultwiththeTVorwhythatpersonhasn’temailedbackorcalled?Ibetyouhaveandunlessyouknowforsure,youaremakingitup;wecallthata‘distortion’.

The two best illustrative examples of distortions are future planning and ourcreationofconcepts.

Considerwhathappenswhenyoumakechoicesaboutyourfuture,orevenjustplan a holiday. You are thinking about a future that does not exist, yet. Youliterally cannot see yourself retired or on holiday unless you already are.Wecannotpossiblyseeapictureofsomethingthathasn’thappenedyet,unlesswemakeitup.

But, of course we can do that very easily when we can visualize futureconsequences,experiencesandbenefitsinourimagination.

But remember, just because you think it does not make it true; we justsometimesthinkitdoes.

Thecreationofconcepts

Aconceptissomethingwehumansmakeup.Haveyoueverleftthehouseandjust tripped over a relationship?A relationship is a concept and consists of anumber of on going interactions and shared experiences over time (anotherconcept).Canyouputarelationshipinawheelbarrow?Ofcoursenot!

We use labels for concepts, but there is no sensory-based evidence for them.Therearecertainlyexamplesofthem,butwemakeupthelabelfortheconcept.It’s like a shorthandmarker to guideus, but it really onlyworks ifwe are allworking to the same version of the concept. Otherwise, even with the sameterms, we can end up in a very different place. Howmany different types ofrelationships can you think of? Do they all adhere to the same rules andconventions?No…

Taketheideaofyourfavouriteparty.Isthatabirthdayparty,politicalpartyorathird party? It’swhatever youmean it to be, but itmight notmean that samethingtome.Herearesomeofthekeymetamodelpatternsfordistortions.

Nominalizations–recipesformisunderstanding

Linguistically speaking, nominalizations are processes (verbs) we turn intonouns.But doing this sends deceptivemessages to our brains. For example, a‘decision’ is actually the process of deciding; a relationship is the process ofrelatingtosomeone.Inboth, therehastobesome‘doing’inorderforthemtoexist,butbychangingtheprocessintoafixedstatic‘thing’,wecanfeelitasatangible entity when, in effect, it is something you have to do. You mightrememberwespokeearlieraboutdepressionbeingathingsomeonedoes,ratherthana‘thing’thatyoumightcatch.ThisisexactlywhatIamtalkingabouthere.

Nominalizationsgivethesensethatsomethingisrealwhen,infact,itisnotandcreateslotsofscopeformisunderstanding.Somepopularconceptsare:

Relationship

Decision

Success

Motivation

Stress

Whatdoyouthinktherecoveryquestionsmightbe?Well,howaboutthese?

‘Theproblemismyrelationship.’–Howareyourelating?

‘The decision is final.’ –What are you deciding? How have you goneaboutdeciding?What’s that process like for you? If I had todecide thesamewayyoudowhatwouldIneedtodo?

‘Iwant tobesuccessful.’–Howwillyouknowwhenyouare?Howdoyouknowyou’renotalready?

‘Mymotivationisn’twhatitusedtobe.’–Whatdoyouwanttomotivateyourselftodo?Howdoyoudomotivation?

‘Ihavealotofstressinmyjob.’–Whatispressuringyou?Howareyoustressing?Howdoyoudostress?

Thispatternisoneofthemostimportantproblem-solvingstrategiesinthewholemetamodel.Nominalizingandthereforemakingthingsintoastaticunchangingthingcausesmanydifficulties,butasyoumightbebeginningtosee,theyarenot

real…well,notunlessweactonthemandmakethemreal,ofcourse.Butwhiletheyonly exist in theworldof themind, you areonly ever one thought awayfrombeingwellagain.

Thenextpatternisoneofmyabsolutepethates.Haveyoueverspenttimewithsomeonewho iscertain that theyknowbestwhenyouactuallydoknowbest?Thisissimilartotheabove,butherewereallyjustmakings**tup,jumpingtoconclusionsormind-reading.We’llsticktothistitleforthesakeofthebookbutknowthatIreallymeanmakings**tup.

Mind-readingorjumpingtoconclusions

Mind-readingisassumingyouknowwhattheotherpersonisthinkingorfeelingwithout checking for any real evidence.Thispattern causes agreatnumberofinterpersonalproblems,theawarenessofwhichisanotheroftheimportantmetamodelproblem-solvingstrategies.

Most of us, at some time, attribute intention to other people’s behaviour orabsence of behaviour. We think we know that someone is interested in us,doesn’tlikeusoristryingtohurtus,withouttheireversayingso.

Wearemasterfulat takingasmallcuesuchasaraisedeyebrow,alackofeyecontactorafailuretodosomethingweexpectedandbelievingweknowwhatitmeans. We all jump to conclusions about other people’s behaviours at sometime.Weusuallyjudgeothers’behaviourbytheeffectonus,andjudgeourownbehaviourbyourintentions.

Wealso expect other people to be able to readourminds.We think someoneshouldknowwearepleasedor annoyedwithhimorher.Weexpectothers torealizeweareoverwhelmed,opentosuggestionordistracted.

Themetamodelquestions aim touncoverhowyouknowwhatyou thinkyouknowaboutwhatishappeninginsomeoneelse’sbrain.

Someexamplesare:

‘Iknowyoudon’twanttocometomyparty.’–Howdoyouknow?

‘IknowyouthinkI’m…’–Howdoyouknowthat?

‘The boss doesn’t think I ampromotionmaterial.’ –Howdo you knowthat?

Causeandeffect–notreallyhowourworldworks

Whensomeoneusesacause-and-effectstatement,theyareidentifyinghowtheybelievesomethingworks,thatXcausesY,orthatdoingXmakesYhappen.

ThenextpatternisonethatyouwillnoticeallthetimeassoonasIpointitoutandisprobablyoneoftheareasthat,evenafterjustreadingthroughitonce,youcaneasilystarttousetomakechangesinthepeoplearoundyou.

Howoftenhaveyouheardsomeonesaysomeversionofthis/that/theymademedoit?

‘IhadastressfuldaysoIhadadoughnutonthewayhome.’

‘Mymeetingwentbadlyso I stoppedat thepubon thewayback to theoffice.’

‘TheyhurtmesoI…’

Theseareallcause-and-effectdynamicsand,ofcourse,completelyconstructed,eventhoughtheymakeperfectsensetothepeopleatthetime.

Cause and effects are statements that show how someone believes somethingworks. Like all beliefs, just becausewe believe something, it doesn’tmake ittrue. Often looking at our statements can open us up to solutions we hadn’tconsideredbecausewestartquestioningourmodeloftheworld.

Let’slookatafewmore‘if–then’statements:

‘IfIgivemychildreneverythingtheywant,theywillloveme.’

You’llnotice that theyusuallyhavewordssuchas ‘forces’, ‘makes’, ‘creates’,‘leadsto’,‘compels’,‘requires’,‘instils’and‘causes’.Forinstance,

‘Goingintobusinessrequiresalotofcapital.’

‘Violentvideogamesleadtoahighcrimerate.’

Acause-and-effect-typedistortionthat isoftenmadeisassumingthatsomeonecanmakeusfeelacertainway.

Forexample,

‘Youmademesoangry.’

‘Youexhaustmewithyourconstantwhining.’

‘Iwon’tbehappyuntilyouarehome.’

This assumption acts in reverse too. Feeling responsible for the state orhappinessofothersisacommonanddebilitatingbelief.Forexample,

‘IknowIcanmakehimhappy.’

Youcan’t,onlyhecanmakehimselfhappy;youcanhelpbutyoucannotmakehimhappy.

Thisnextpatternistheonethattookmethelongesttogetmyheadaround,soletmetrytomakeitassimpleasIhadtoformyself.IfIgot it, thenyouwillstraightaway.

Lostperformatives–notmybeliefs

Lost performatives are when someone is talking about a personal belief, butpresentsitasthoughitwereauniversaltruth.Wethenacceptitastruewithoutquestioningit,aswewouldifwehearditassomeone’spersonalopinion.Lostperformativesequalsnotmy‘beliefs’–it’safact!

Thesemightbeclichésthateveryoneknowsaretrue.Eventhoughsomeofthesetruismsareuseful,theoriginislost,sotheyaredisconnected.Forexample,

Vitaminsareanessentialpartofahealthydiet.

Knowledgeleadstopower.

Ifit’smeanttobe,itwillhappen.

Thedangeroftheselostperformativesisthattheybypassourreasoningfilters.Wecantakeontheseideasasbeliefsanddeleteperfectlygoodsolutionstoourproblems.Wedon’tthinkwhichcircumstancestheyapplytoorconsiderwhethertheyapplytoallpeople

Theoriginisimportanttoo.Politicians,marketersandsalespeopleallusethesetechniques.Buthowmanyofthesestudiesarepromotedbypeoplewithavestedinterest?Ofcourse, thecompanyisgoingtosaytheirproduct isgoodforyou.

What else are they going to say? ‘Humans can’t actually digest our stuff;weonly used to feed it to pigs, but if we tell you it’s healthy then the salesskyrocket.’Itwouldberefreshing,butunlikely.

Hereareyourlostperformativerecoveryquestions.

Whosays?

Forwhomisthistrue?

Accordingtowhom?

Wewant to find out where the belief came from and whether the strategy isbasedonsomethingsolid.

Linguisticpresuppositions

Presuppositions are the most powerful of the meta models and the MiltonEriksonmodel languagepatternsaresomeofmyfavourites–perhapsbecausetheyareheavilyandwidelyusedinhypnoticpatterns,butmostlyduetothefactthattheyareoneofthemostsimpleandelegantwaystoguidesomeoneinthedirection that you want to take them. And as a communicator wouldn’t it begreatifpeoplesometimesacceptedwhatyousaidwithoutquestion?

Forexample,acoupleoffavouriteswithparentsare,

‘Doyouwanttogotobednoworin30minutes?’

‘Doyouwanttotidyyourroombeforeorafterdinner?’

Thereisanillusionofchoice,butbothchoicesgetyouroutcome.Ofcourse,aswegetolderandsmarter,weseethroughsomeoftheillusions(ordowe?)

Unfortunately, this power can be used for bad as well as good.We probablyhavenoideaofthekindsofthingswetakeforgrantedinordertomakesenseofsomeone’scommunicationortocreateawell-formedsentence.

Theycanalsotakeawayoursenseofchoicewhenweusethemonourselves,orwhenothersusethem.Wecanfeelpaintedintoacorner.

‘Haveyoustoppedbeingsonoisy?’

‘Haveyoulearnedtocontrolyourtemperyet?’

‘Whendidyougetsobossy?’

Linguisticpresuppositionsofexistence

Thisnextoneisthesimplestkindofpresupposition,forexample:

‘Bobatethepancakes.’

This presupposes that someone named ‘Bob’ and that indeed a number ofpancakesexist.Weacceptthesethingsandourfocusisontheactionofeating.Bobandthepancakesareinthebackgroundbutverymuchthereandverymuchtakenasread.

Linguisticpresuppositionsofawareness

Herewe are not questioning the second part of the sentence. This is a usefulpattern:

‘Doyourealizeyouarethefirstpersontoget100percent?’–Thereisnoquestionofthegrade,justwhetheryourealize.

‘Youmaynoticeasmallbuttonontheleft.’–Thereisabutton;youjusthavetofindit.

Areyouawareyouarealready in trance?’–Youare in trance;you justneedtobeawareofit.

Linguisticpresuppositionsoftime

These include the use of time or change of time words like ‘begin’, ‘end’,‘before’, ‘after’, ‘during’, ‘future’, ‘when’, ‘again’, ‘still’ and ‘soon’. Whileparticulartenses–suchas‘was’,‘had’,‘been’,‘went’(past);‘am’,‘have’,‘are’,‘stop’, ‘start’, ‘continue’ (present); and ‘will’, ‘going’ and ‘getting’ (future) –canallcreateverypowerfulassumptions.

‘Would youmind taking the rubbish out before you tidy your room?’ –Youaretidyingyourroom.

‘Areyoustilldrinking?’–Youhavebeendrinking; theonlyquestion is

whetheryouhavestopped.

‘Isawheratthewindowagain.’–Shehasbeenatthewindowpreviously.

Linguisticpresuppositionsoforder

When we use words such ‘first’, ‘once’, ‘second’, ‘twice’, ‘last’, ‘another’,‘again’and‘next’,wearepresupposingaseriesofthings.

‘My second wife is really funny.’ – This presupposes a first wife andperhapsonewhowasn’tveryfunny.

‘Myfirsthusbandlikedfootball.’–Thispresupposeshusbandnumberoneisnolongerahusbandforwhateverreason,thattheremaybesubsequenthusband/s,orthatsheintendstogetmarriedagainsometime.

Whenwereally listen to languagecarefullywordscanbe insightful like this–often the person is using them unconsciously. (For example, in the secondexample,shemaynotconsciouslyhaveconsideredremarrying.)

ThisORtheother,butdefinitelyoneofthem

Hereweexcludeonethingortheother.

‘Would you like white or wholemeal bread?’ – You are getting asandwich.

‘Would you prefer to pay by cash or cheque?’ – You are paying forsomething.

‘Doyouwanttopayforthisnoworwhenwedeliverit?’–Thereisnoquestionofpayment,onlywhen.

‘Doyouwanttogotothegymattheendofthischapteroronceyou’vedonethewholebook?’–Iamgoingtothegym;it’sjustamatterofwhen.

Adverbsandadjectives

The‘ly’adverbs

These are really just words with the suffix ‘ly’ on the end, such as‘unfortunately’.IhavetoadmitIdidn’tpaymuchattentiontothose‘partsofasentence’thingsinEnglishclass.Infact,Ididn’tpaymuchattentiontoomuchatallinschool,butthisisthesimplestexplanationIcangiveyou.

The‘ly’adverbsaresneakythings,becausetheymodifyorchangethestandardverb and so are just assumedand accepted tobe true, and they slipunderourradar.Wetendtoacceptthesentencewithoutquestioningwhetheritistrue.Forexample:

‘Hequicklymovedthefilestotheotherdrawer.’–Whatwasquickaboutit?The focus ison thequick rather than thenatureof the filesorwheretheynowwere.Wefocusonthequicklyandmaybewonderwhy,buttherestisacceptedasagiven.

‘I clearly did notwant it to rain today.’ –Whywas it clear?Whatwasclearabouttoday?

‘Obviously,wedon’twanttopaytheamountyouareasking.’–Whatisobviousaboutit?Onceagain,itpresumesthatit isunquestionedthatthepriceistoohighandeveryonewouldfeelthesame.

‘Regrettably,Iwantyoutofinishby5p.m.’–Whatisregrettableaboutit?Itsays,‘Idon’treallywanttoaskthisofyou,butIamgoingtoanywayanditisn’tmyfault.’Itmakesademandseemlessdemanding.Andwhatisfinishedby5p.m.,thetaskoryourcareer?

‘Fortunately, I remembered and went back for it.’ – What is fortunateaboutit?Itletsthefactthatyoumessedupandforgotitinthefirstplaceslidepastalmostunnoticed.

These ‘ly’ adverbs and other descriptivewords presupposing certain qualities,suchas‘just’,‘only’,‘even’,canbeparticularlymisleadinganddangerous.

‘It’sjustaboutperseverance.’–Isperseverancereallyasimplething?

‘Heisjustthedriver.’–Dismissesanddiscountsthisrole.

‘Myfriendisjustascheerfulashermother.’–Apartfromtheexistenceofthefriendandhermother,wedon’tquestionthemother’scheerfulness.

‘Youonly have to babysit for an hour.’ –Dismisses the chore as short-lived.

‘Hewasannoyedwithme,eventhoughIworkedreallyhard.’–Theotherpersonisbeingunreasonable.

Usingthemetamodeleffectively

Howspecificallydoyoudothat?

The meta model very simply but brilliantly provides a framework to recoverdeleted but very useful unspoken information and, in doing so, uncovers oursubconsciousruleswhileuntanglingmisunderstandings inourownandothers’communication.

Specifically, ithelpstofill inthemissingpiecesofourmaptoaddmoredetailanddistinctions,abitliketurninguptheresolutiononthemapand,indoingso,turningourmapintoHD.ImagineyourTVpictureandthenimagineit inHD.The subject is still the same; if you’re looking at a garden then you’re stilllooking at a garden in HD, only now you can see much more detail andtherefore,whenitcomestomakingchanges,youhavemuchmorechoice.

Themoredistinctionsyouareawareof then thericheryourmapof theworld;andthericheryourmapoftheworldthemorechoicesyouhaveinyourlife,andsothericheryourlifewillbe…Simple.

Metamodelquestions

By listening for how someone has created his or her map, we can ask anappropriatequestiontorecoverwhathasbeendeleted,generalizedordistorted.This then expands and enriches the person’s choices for solving the problem.Youwithme?

Asasimpleguide,youwillfindthatthecleaneryouareinyourself,theeasieryou will find working with the meta model. In other words, the fewerassumptionsyoumakeyourself and the fewerpreconceptionsyoubring to theinteraction, the easier it will be to spot the part of themap that ismissing. Icannot emphasize this enough; the cleanness of your own ability not tomakethingsupmakesitmuch,mucheasiertospotitinothers.Butifyouarefillingintheblanksyourself,thenitisverydifficulttoknowthatthereisablankthereinthefirstplace.

Firstruleofmetamodelling–assumenothing,andthenspecificallyasktheright

questiontouncover‘their’missingpart.

Here’s a quick guide to help youget going and to get to gripswith using themetamodeleffectively.

Deletions:Themissingpartsofthemodel

Aswelearnedearlier,informationisdeletedinsixmainways.

1.UnspecifiednounsAny word that stands in for a noun and so has many meanings andinterpretations.

‘Theysaythisiseasy.’

Don’tassume.ASK:‘Whosaysthatwhatspecificallyiseasy?’

2.UnspecifiedverbsVerbsthatdeletethespecificsoftheprocess.

‘Myfriendhurtme.’

Don’tassumeyouknow.ASK:‘How,specifically?’

3.NominalizationsVerbsthataremadeintonouns,andthusdeletetheprocessoractionandsoveryoftencreateasenseofstuckness,butcanoftenberecoveredjustbyadding‘ing’andturningitbacktoaverb.

‘Ourrelationshipjustdoesn’tworkanymore.’

ASK:‘Whatspecificallyaboutthewayyou’rerelatingcausesyoutothinkthat?’Turnthenominalizationbackintoaverbagain.

4.LackofreferentialindexThepronounisnotspecified,andsodeleteswhoorwhatitrefersto.

‘Peoplelovechocolate.’

ASK:‘Whospecificallyloveschocolate?’Andeven,‘Sayswho?’

5.SimpledeletionsInformationissimplymissedout.

‘I’msoupset.’

ASK:‘Withwhom?Aboutwhatareyousoupset?’

6.ComparativedeletionsThestandardofcomparisonisdeleted.

‘Thisbookismuchbetter.’

ASK:‘Comparedtowhat?’

Generalizations

Wehavealsolearnedthatinformationisgeneralizedinthreemainways:

1.UniversalquantifiersGeneralizationsthatprecludeanyexceptions.

‘Nooneeverlistenstome.’

ASK: ‘Doyou reallymeanall of the time;nooneever listens toyou?Surelytheremightbesomeexceptionswhensomeonesomewherehaslistenedtoyou?’

2.ModaloperatorofnecessityWordsthatrequireparticularaction;the‘driver’wordinthesentenceifyoulike.

Should

Shouldn’t

Must

Could

Haveto

ASK:Whatwouldhappenifyoudidordidn’t?

3.ModaloperatorofimpossibilityThesearejusttheopposite,wordsthatimplynochoiceatall.

Can’t

Haven’t

Won’t

ASK: ‘Just like before, what would happen if you did/didn’t? Or, what’sstoppingyou?’

Distortion

Finally,welearnedthatinformationisdistortedinfivemainways.

1.ComplexequivalenceThisiswheretwoexperiencesareperceivedassynonymousandoftenshowupastwostatementsbacktoback.

‘Helefthissocksontheflooragain.Hehasnorespectforme.’

ASK:‘HowdoesdoingXdefinitelymeanY?’

2.LostperformativeThese are value judgements, rules and general opinions stated as fact, but thesourceoftheassertionismissing.

‘Youneedtodrinkeightglassesofwateraday.’

ASK:‘Sayswho,orhowdoyouknowthat,whathappensifyoudon’t?’

3.Mind-readingThisassumesthatyouknowanotherperson’sinternalstate.

‘Theydon’tlikechange.’

ASK:‘Howdoyouknowthat?’

4.CauseandeffectThis is the belief, or implication, that one person’s actions or set ofcircumstancescancauseanother’semotionalreaction.

‘Theymademedoit.’

‘IwasstressedsoIfinishedthebottle.’

ASK:‘Howdoeshis/her/thatdoing/beingXcauseyoutoY?’

5.PresuppositionsThesearethebasicassumptionsthatsomethingmustbetrue; it ispresupposedthatitwillorhashappened.

‘Havetheystoppedbeingsogrumpy?’

ASK:‘Howdoweknowtheyweregrumpyinthefirstplace?’Orquestionsthatuncoverwhatmaybetakenforgranted.

The very term ‘distortions’ strongly implies that we are making it up, ordistortingsomethingfromthetruth.Rememberthattherecanbemorethanonetruth.Oftenthere’syourtruth,theirtruthandthetruth.Avoidbeingseducedbyyour truth; don’t just believe their truth, and instead get to ‘the’ truth. Thismeansbeingascleanaspossible inyourself andyourown language first, andasking all the ‘meta’ questionswhen something doesn’tmake sense…Unlessyouaretryingtopersuade,inwhichcasethereserveistrueandyouaretryingtoget someone to accept your truth. Use these skills with care and consciencethough, as they are very powerful. Success comes from practise, and the bestplacetobeginiswithyourself.

Conclusion

Knowingwhattochange

As you reach the end of this book, please know that you have actually onlyreachedtheendofthebeginningforyou.ThereissomuchmoretoNLPthanIhave the scope or space to share here.Yourmastery ofNLP is going to takesomepractise,that’sforsure.But,thegoodnewsisthatallyouneedinordertopracticearepeople,andthereareplentyofthosearound.

Thebestopportunitiestopractisearewhenpeopledon’tknowyou’redoingit–at leastwhen you’re building your observation and rapport skills, that is – asthey’ll generally be less guarded and much more genuine in their responses.When you are starting to think about using NLP to create change, start withyourselfandthenmoveontoothersonlywiththeirexpresspermission.

Whenyouget reallygoodat using themetamodel (goon,whichpatternwasthat?),youwillbeabletoquicklyandeasilyuncoverwhatRichardBandlercalls‘thedifferencethatmakesthedifference’.Mostofthetime,whatwearelookingforisnotactuallysomethingnew;it’ssomethingwe’vejustnotnoticedbeforeandinsimplydoingso,youimmediatelyhavethechoicetochangeinawayyoudidn’tevenknowwasthere.

Someoftheothertechniquesyouhavelearnedinthisbookwillhelpyoutodothattoobut,inmyexperience,thereisnosubstituteforhands-onpropertrainingandexperienceworkingandlearningwithrealpeople.Whileabooklikethisisagreat place to start, trying to learnNLPwithout another human being presentwouldbeabitlikelearningtocookusingonlyarecipebook,butwithouteverchoppinganonionorturningonanoven.Nomatterhowbrilliantthebook,yousimplyneedtogetstuckinandgetinvolved.It’sahands-onsetofskillsthatyouwillpickupveryquickly,butyoudoneedtodothat.Ifyou’dliketotakeyourNLPknowledgefurtherthenIstronglyrecommendatrainingcourse,andaface-

to-face,hands-ononeatthat.Thereareplentytochoosefromandtheresourcessection at the back of the book will point you to what I believe are the bestoptions.

NLP is a fantastic set of tools, principles, methodologies and models forenhancing communication and changing behaviour quickly and easily. ButrememberthatNLPisineffectreverse-engineeredfromwhathappensnaturallyandwhatsomehighlyeffectivepeopledowithoutevercallingitNLP.SoifyouwouldliketocreateanenhancedversionofyourselfandenjoythesuccessthatyouhopeitwillbringthenNLPisdefinitelyagoodhomeforyou.

Asyoudevelopandstudy,youwillbeabletoapplysomeofthetechniquesandprinciples you have learned here, and others, to change almost any unwantedbehaviour.I’llresist thetemptationtogiveyouabiglonglistofall theissues,behaviours and applications where NLP can be very effective. I am resistingbecauseIwouldlikeyouto thinkabout it inamuchlessprescriptivewayandmuchmorelikeasetoftools.Asetoftoolsthatwithskillandpracticeyoucanusetochangeandbuildalmostanythingyouwantto.Whatyouwillbechangingandbuilding,ofcourse,arestates.Asyouknow,allbehaviourisaproductofthe state ofmindyouare in at the time:different state, different choices,differentoutcome,differentlife.It’sassimpleasthat.

The one piece of guidance I would like to leave you with is this.While thechange techniques here get all the plaudits, they are in fact only part of it.Findingandknowingwhat tochangeis thepart thatmostpeoplepaytoolittleattentiontoandthebestpartisthatifyoupayenoughattentiontheotherpersonwill often tell you what they already know they need to change. All changehappensatasubmodalitylevel.Submodalitiesareafterallthebuildingblocksofanystateandso the techniquesareeffectivelyways tochange largegroupsofsubmodalitiesallatonce;youhavetopayattentiontoknowwhattodo,butthatisallyouhavetodo.

Casestudy

Everheardthestoryofthegiantshipenginethatfailed?Theship’sownerstriedoneexpertafteranother,butnoneofthemcouldfigureouthowtofixtheengine.Thentheybroughtinanoldmanwhohadbeenfixingshipssincehewasayoungster.Hecarriedalargebagoftoolswithhim,andwhenhearrived,heimmediatelywenttowork.Heinspectedtheengineverycarefully,toptobottom.

Twooftheship’sownerswerethere,watchingthisman,hopinghewouldknowwhattodo.Afterlookingthingsover,theoldmanreachedintohisbagandpulledoutasmallhammer.Hegentlytappedsomething.Instantly,theenginelurchedintolife.Hecarefullyputhishammeraway.Theenginewasfixed!

Aweeklater,theownersreceivedabillfromtheoldmanfor$10,000.‘What?’theownersexclaimed.‘Hehardlydidanything!’Sotheywrotetheoldmananotesaying,‘Pleasesendusanitemizedbill.’

Themansentabillthatread:

Tappingwithahammer………..$2.00

Knowingwheretotap………….$9998.00

Thetechniqueisimportant,butknowingwheretomakeachangemakesallthedifference.

If you are working to help someone else thenmy advice is very simple. Paycloseattentiontothepersoninfrontofyouandbringyourownclean,clearandpositiveintentiontotheinteraction.Payattentiontoeverything:eyes,language,mannerisms, actions and stay out of your own way. Leave your own storiesbehindandworkwithwhat’s infrontofyou.If indoubt,ask.It’sall thereforyouifyouknowwheretotap.

References

1.James,W.PrinciplesofPsychology,VolumeI(HenryHolt,NewYork,1890);193–5

2. Kinsbourne,M. ‘Eye and Head Turning Indicates Cerebral Lateralization’,Science,1972;179:539–41

3.Kocel,K.etal. ‘LateralEyeMovementandCognitiveMode’,PsychonSci,1972;27:223–4

4. Galin, D. and Ornstein, R. ‘Individual Differences in Cognitive Style–ReflectiveEyeMovements’,Neuropsychologia,1974;12:376–97

5.Grinder,J.,Bandler,R.andDeLozier,J.PatternsoftheHypnoticTechniquesofMiltonH.Erickson,M.D.VolumeII(MetaPublications,California,1977)6.Dilts,R.etal.NLPVolumeI(MetaPublications,California,1980)7.Dilts,R.RootsofNLP(MetaPublications,California,1983)

8.Loiselle, F. ‘TheEffect ofEyePlacementOnOrthographicMemorization’,Thesis, Faculte des Sciences Sociales, Universite de Moncton, NewBrunswick,Canada,1985

9. Buckner,W., Reese, E. andReese, R. ‘EyeMovementAsAn Indicator ofSensoryComponents inThought’,JournalofCounselingPsychology, 1987;(34)3

10.Bandler,R. andGrinder, J.TheStructure ofMagic,Volume I (Science andBehaviorBooks,1989)

Resources

Books

Bandler,Richard.GettheLifeYouWant,HarperElement,2009

Bandler,Richard.HowtoTakeChargeofYourLife:TheUser’sGuidetoNLP,HarperCollins,2014

Bandler,Richard.AnInsider’sGuidetoSubmodalities,MetaPublications,1989

Bandler,RichardandGrinder, John.Frogs intoPrinces,EdenGroveEditions,1990

Bandler,RichardandGrinder,John.TheStructureofMagic,VolumesIandII,ScienceandBehaviorBooks,1989

Bandler,RichardandGrinder,John.Trance-formations,RealPeoplePress,1981

Bandler,Richard,DeLozier,JudithandGrinder,John.PatternsoftheHypnoticTechniquesofMiltonH.Erickson,M.D,VolumesIandII,MetaPublications,1975and1977;reprinteditions,1996

Dilts,RobertandGrinder,John.NeurolinguisticProgramming:TheStudyoftheStructureofSubjectiveExperience,VolumeI,MetaPublications,1989

Erickson,MiltonH.andRosen,Sidney.MyVoiceWillGowithYou:TeachingTalesofMiltonHErickson,W.W.Norton&Company,1991

Grinder, John and Pucelik, R. Frank. The Origins of Neuro LinguisticProgrammiing,CrownHousePublishing,2013

Hall, L.Michael.The Sourcebook ofMagic: AComprehensiveGuide toNLPChangePatterns,CrownHousePublishing,2003

Neill,Michael.YouCanHaveWhatYouWant,HayHouseUK,2009

McKenna,Paul.ChangeYourLifein7Days,BantamPress,2010

Parker,Phil.GettheLifeYouLove,Now,HayHouseUK,2013

Satir,VirginiaM.TheNewPeoplemaking,ScienceandBehaviorBooks,1989

Websiteswww.alicampbell.com to find out about my latest courses, how to book yourplaceandwhatyoucanexpectwhenyou joinme for somehands-on, cutting-edgetraining.

www.nlplifetraining.comforRichardBandlerNLPcoursesintheUK.

www.richardbandler.comforresourcesfromthemanhimself.

www.purenlp.comforNLPcoursesworldwide.

www.philparker.orgforsomeawesomeNLPcoursesandresourcesintheUK.

Index

Aadrenaline73,123adverbs175–6allergies11analoguecommunication92–3anchoring113–35casestudies124–8,130–31conditionsfor130–35context134–5asacreativetool116–17establishingananchor117,120–23andintensityofresponse130–31andPavlov’sconditionedreflexes114,120,121,130,134–5andpurity131–2settingananchor128–9throughrepetition117,120,123,129timingofstimulusandresponsepairing132–4uniquenessofstimulususedasanchor132andyourownlearningstate118–20

auditorydigitalprocessing/representationsystemauditorydigitalsubmodalities37–8eyemovementsandauditorydigitalcues18andlanguage56

auditoryprocessing/representationsystemauditorydominance44–5auditorysubmodalities34–5,39–40eyemovementsandauditoryconstructedcues18eyemovementsandauditoryrecallcues17

andlanguage55,64awarenessandchange57–80linguisticpresuppositions173

BBandler,Richard4,5–6,9,10,14,57,133,140–41,151,164epigraph81

behaviourasbrain’ssolutiontoaperceivedproblem106andourstateofmindxiv,26,57,106,185

beliefsofcauseandeffect168–9,182ceasingtoengagewith9,77andcomplexequivalences160–62,181empowering98hypnotizingintobelief152–5jumpingtoconclusions167–8,181andlostperformatives170–71,181andmagicalthinking7andthemeaning-makingprocess7problemofbelievingthoughts28,77projectedintothefuture100ofresponsibility170setsof138spiritualalignmentof10structuresof8

Blair,Tony70bodylanguage93,127buildingrapportthrough86–7seealsonon-verbalcommunication

brainhemispheres,andeyemovements14–17seealsoeye-accessingcuesNLPas

methodforinfluencing3–4andphobias107usingyourbrain/mindforchangexv–xvi,27–33,60–80breathing,matching85–6

C

Ccalibration20–23causeandeffectstatements/dynamics168–70,182changeawarenessand57–80bigdifferencefromsmallchange74–7casestudiesinchangework61,65–70,73–4creatingxv–xvi,27–33,60–80knowingwhattochange183–6andmemoryrecall/access31–2NLPasacatalystforxiii–xviipersonalchangework8quicknessof3,30–32,68,104andsubmodalitiesseesubmodalitieswiththeswishpattern101–4withtimelines95–100usingyourbrain/mindforxv–xvi,27–33,60–80

commandsembedded90–91,92–3andquestions93–4

communicationanalogue92–3commandsseecommandslanguageseelanguageandmetamodelsseeentriesatmetamodelmiscommunication48–52non-verbal88–9,92–3seealsobodylanguagethroughrapportseerapport

comparativedeletions147–8,179complexequivalences160–62,181conceptcreation165conditionedreflexes114,120,121,130,134–5seealsoanchoring

conflict,innerandhabits105–8andpartsintegrationtechnique109–11resolving108–11

Ddeletions,metamodelseemetamodeldeletions

depression75–6,166Dilts,Robert8,14–15disappointment66,76–7,123distortions,metamodelseemetamodeldistortions

Eembeddedcommands90–91,92–3EMDR(eyemovementdesensitizationandreprocessing)10emotionalintelligence(EQ)26Erickson,MiltonH.6,133,171exclusionofonethingortheother174–5existence,linguisticpresuppositionsof172–3eye-accessingcues11–20calibratingforawiderpicture20–23casestudy21–3exercises13,17–19andhumanhabits19–20andright/left-handedness12–13,14,16–17,19

eyemovementdesensitizationandreprocessing(EMDR)10

Ffearsxiv,10–11,106–8adrenalineandfear73

feelings72–4kinaestheticrepresentationseekinaestheticprocessing/representationsystem

Ggeneralizationpatterns,metamodelseemetamodelgeneralizationpatterns

Grinder,John5–6,9,14,133,140–41,151

Hhabitshumansascreaturesofhabit19–20andinnerconflict105–8

happiness9,32feelingresponsibleforsomeoneelse’s170

seealsowellbeinghypnosis4,8hypnoticpatternofembeddedcommands90–91,92–3hypnoticpatternoflinguisticpresuppositionsseepresuppositions,linguistic

hypnotizingintobelief152–5

I,J

impossibility,modaloperatorsof159–60,180–81informationprocessing,metamodelseeentriesatmetamodelJames,Tad8James,William13–14jumpingtoconclusions167–8,181

Kkinaestheticprocessing/representationsystemeyemovementsandkinaestheticconstructioncues18–19eyemovementsandkinaestheticrecallcues18kinaestheticdominance45–6kinaestheticsubmodalities35–6,40andlanguage55

Korzybski,Alfred138

LLaValle,John8lackofreferentialindex141–4,179languageandauditorydigitalorientation56andauditoryorientation55,64andinternalrepresentationsystems48–56andkinaestheticorientation55linguisticpresuppositionsseepresuppositions,linguisticliteral52–4andmetamodelsseeentriesatmetamodelandmiscommunication48–52nominalizations145,165–7,178–9patterns6,171seealsometamodeldistortions;metamodelgeneralization

patternsreflectingchoiceofwords86andrepetition70–72unspecifiednouns/pronouns(lackofreferentialindex)141–4,178,179unspecifiedverbs144–5,178andvisualorientation54,58,61,64

leading,pacingand90–92lostperformatives170–71,181

Mmagicalthinking7makingsense7–8,20,29,33,36,37,41–56,145,154andmakingthingsup50–51,163–4seealsometamodeldistortions;

presuppositions,linguisticandsubmodalitiesseesubmodalitiesthroughinternalrepresentationseerepresentationsystems,internalmatching

85–6mismatching86–7,88–9

McKenna,Paul8memoryrecall/access31–2metamodeldeletions139,140–49,178–9comparativedeletions147–8,179nominalizations145,165–7,178–9simpledeletions145–6,179unspecifiednouns/pronouns(lackofreferentialindex)141–4,178,179unspecifiedverbs144–5,178

metamodeldistortions139–40,163–76,181–2adverbsandadjectives175–6causeandeffect168–70,182complexequivalences160–62,181conceptcreation165exclusionofonethingortheother174–5linguisticpresuppositionsseepresuppositions,linguisticlostperformatives170–71,181mindreading/jumpingtoconclusions167–8,181nominalizations145,165–7,178–9

metamodelgeneralizationpatterns139,151–62,180–81casestudies152–3,161complexequivalences160–62,181hypnotizingintobelief152–5

modaloperatorsofimpossibility159–60,180–81modaloperatorsofnecessity155–9,180universalquantifiers151,152,154–5,180

metamodeloverview137–40,148–9modelquestions177–8purposeofthemodel139–40usingthemodeleffectively176–82

mind25–40behaviourandourstateofmindxiv,26,57,106,185andbrainseebraincreatingconcepts165internalrepresentationsystemsseerepresentationsystems,internallawsof

physicsnotapplicableto29–30andsubmodalitiesseesubmodalitiesthinkingseethinkingusingyourbrain/mindforchangexv–xvi,27–33,60–80

mindreading167–8,181mirroring86,90mismatching86–7,88–9modaloperatorsofimpossibility159–60,180–81modaloperatorsofnecessity155–9,180modelling4,5–6,8,133metamodellingseeentriesatmetamodel

Nnecessity,modaloperatorsof155–9,180Neill,Michaelxiv,9NLP(Neuro-LinguisticProgramming)andanchoringseeanchoringapplications10–23beginnings5–7andbeliefsseebeliefsandthebrainseebrainandcalibration20–23changethroughseechangedefinitionsandworkingcharacteristics3–5andeye-accessingcuesseeeye-accessingcuesfunction3–4seealsochangefundamentalprinciples7–8

andhypnosis4,8andinternalrepresentationseerepresentationsystems,internalandmaking

senseseemakingsensemetamodelsseeentriesatmetamodelandthemindseemindandmodellingseemodellinginothertherapies8–10popularizers8–9andrapportseerapportandsubmodalitiesseesubmodalitiesandthinkingseethinkingtimelines95–100andwellbeingseewellbeing

nominalizations145,165–7,178–9non-verbalcommunication88–9,92–3seealsobodylanguage

O,P,Q

order,linguisticpresuppositionsof174pacing,andleading90–92parenting11Parker,Phil9partsintegrationtechnique109–11Pavlov,Ivan,andhisdogs114,120,121,130,134–5Perls,Fritz6phobiasxiv,10–11,106–8Piaget,Jean7presuppositions,linguistic171–4,182ofawareness173ofexistence172–3oforder174oftime173–4

Price,Katy108–9publicspeaking11purity,andanchoring131–2questions,andcommands93–4

R

Rrapport23,83–92breaking86–9‘clicking’withsomeone51,84reasonsforcreating84–5throughmatching/mirroring85–7,90throughpacingandleading90–92throughreflectingwords86

reflecting,linguistic86repetition70–72,104andanchoring117,120,123,129

representationsystems,internal41–56auditoryseeauditoryprocessing/representationsystemauditorydigitalsee

auditorydigitalprocessing/representationsystemandeyemovements13–19seealsoeye-accessingcuesimportanceofpreferredsystem47–8

kinaestheticseekinaestheticprocessing/representationsystemandlanguage48–56

leadsystems47–8themapnotbeingtheterritory42–4andmiscommunication48–52submodalitiesseesubmodalitiestestingyourpreference46–7visualseevisualprocessing/representationsystemRobbie,Eric9Robbins,Tony8

SSatir,Virginia5–6self-hypnosis4simpledeletions145–6,179stagefright11submodalities6,33–40,58auditory34–5,39–40auditorydigital37–8changingsubmodalitiestochangesubjectiveexperience60–80checklist39–40,42kinaesthetic35–6,40andplaces33–6

playingwithyour79–80andtimelines97–8visual33–4,39

swishpattern101–4

TThatcher,Margaret70thinkingcauseandeffectpatternsof168–70,182forchangexv–xvi,27–33creatingconcepts165anddevelopmentalstages7–8doesnotmakeittrue77–9magical7makingsenseseemakingsenseandmetamodelsseeentriesatmetamodel

mindreading/jumpingtoconclusions167–8,181modaloperatorsofimpossibility159–60,180–81modaloperatorsofnecessity155–9,180problemofbelievingthoughts28,77turningdownthevolumeof64–5,67–8,70–71

time,linguisticpresuppositionsof173–4timelines95–100trauma11

Uuniversalquantifiers151,152,154–5,180seealsometamodelgeneralizationpatternsunspecifiednouns/pronouns(lack

ofreferentialindex)141–4,178,179unspecifiedverbs144–5,178

Vvertigo73–5visualcuesseeeye-accessingcuesvisualprocessing/representationsystemeye

movementsandvisualconstructedcues17eyemovementsandvisualrecallcues17andlanguage54,58,61,64visualsubmodalities33–4,39

visualreferences58,64

WWatt,Simon31weightloss106wellbeing9–10,70beingOKxiv,10–11,32,33,70,74,77–8defaultsettingandpressingtheresetbutton9,32,33,77,78

ABOUTTHEAUTHOR

Ali Campbell is one of the world’s leading life coaches. He has built anenviable reputation as a highly sought-after motivational coach, therapist,presenter and bestselling author. As a trusted advisor to celebrities, businessleaders,sportstars,rockstarsandevenroyalty,Aliisdubbed‘MrFixIt’,andiswidelyfeaturedinthemedia–ontelevision,radioandinprintaroundtheworld.

Thepathtothelifeyouwantmightbealoteasierthanyouthink.You’lllearnwhy past history is the worst possible predictor of your future, and how tonavigate your own true path to whatever you want, nomatter where you arestartingoutfrom.Youmayhaveheardthatyouhavealltheresourceswithinyoualready, but that’s notmuchuse if youdon’t knowhow to find themandusethemtoachievewhatyouwant.Aliisfamedforbeingabletoshowyouexactlyhow,andfast!

Ali’s no-nonsense, irreverent style is like an arm around your shoulder and akick up the butt, justwhen you need it.He gets to the point quickly andwill

haveyoulaughingyourwaytoachievingmoreinyourlifewithasenseofpeaceandeasethanyoueverthoughtpossible.

www.alicampbell.com