pg1989-foolsdictionary

7/31/2019 pg1989-foolsdictionary

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TheProjectGutenbergEBookofTheFoolishDictionary,byGideonWurdz

ThiseBookisfortheuseofanyoneanywhereatnocostandwithalmostnorestrictionswhatsoever.Youmaycopyit,giveitawayorre-useitunderthetermsoftheProjectGutenbergLicenseincludedwiththiseBookoronlineatwww.gutenberg.org

Title:TheFoolishDictionary

Author:GideonWurdz

Illustrator:WallaceGoldsmith

ReleaseDate:April1,2007[EBook#1989]

Language:English

***STARTOFTHISPROJECTGUTENBERGEBOOKTHEFOOLISHDICTIONARY***

ProducedbyDavidGarcia,MichelleCroyle,JeannieHowseandtheOnlineDistributedProofreadingTeamathttp://www.pgdp.net

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+-----------------------------------------------------------+|Transcriber'sNote:|

|||Inconsistenthyphenationintheoriginaldocumenthas||beenpreserved.||||Whatseemslikeobvioustypographicalerrorshavebeen||correctedinthistext.Foracompletelist,pleasesee||theendofthisdocument.|||+-----------------------------------------------------------+

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[Illustration:GIDEONWURDZ.]

TheFOOLISHDICTIONARY


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3/71

WithhalfamillionEnglishwordstochoosefrom,modestyhasbeenthewatchword,andtheauthorhasconfinedhimselftothetreatmentofonlyabouthalfathousand.Howwise,flippant,soberorstupid,thistreatmenthasbeen,itisforthereaderalonetojudge.However,iffromepigram,derivativeorpureabsurdity,therebebornasinglelaughbetweenthelids,thelaborerwillaccredithimselfworthyofhishire.

Infurtherexplanationitshouldbesaidthatsomeslightdeferencehasbeenmadetootherwits,andthedefinitionsincludeafewquotationsfromthegreatmindsofthepastandpresent.Asfortherest,thejurywillpleaseacknowledgeapleaofguiltyfrom

GIDEONWURDZ.

ABBREVIATIONS.

Bet.Between.Dist.Distinguish.Eng.English.

Fr.French.Ger.German.Grk.Greek.Lat.Latin.Syn.Synonym.v.i.Verbintransitive.v.t.Verbtransitive.

It'salonglanethathasnoashbarrel.

A

Distilledwatersrundeep.

=ABSINTHE=FromtwoLatinwords,_ad_,and_sinistrum_,meaning"tothebad."Ifindoubt,tryone.(Oldadage,"Absinthemakesthejaglastlonger)."

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=ABSTINENCE=

[Illustration]

FromthePersian_ab_,water,and_stein_,ortankard.Hence,water-tankard,or"waterwagon."

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4/71

=ACCESSION=Abeheadingprocessbywhichyoumayeitherwinorloseapoliticaljob.Oldspelling,_Axe-session_.

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=ACCIDENT=Aconditionofaffairsinwhichpresenceofmindisgood,butabsenceofbodybetter.

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=ADAMANT=From"Adam'sAunt,"reputedtobeahardcharacter.Hence,anythingtough,orhard.

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=ADORE=From_add_,annex,and_ore_,meaningwealth.Example,foreignnobleswhomarryAmericanheiresses_adore_them.

*****

=ADVICE=Acommoditypeddledbyyourlawyerandgivenawaybyyourmother-in-law,butimpossibletodisposeofyourself.Famousastheonethingwhichitis"Moreblessedtogivethan

receive."=GOODADVICE=Somethingoldmengiveyoungmenwhentheycannolongergivethemabadexample.

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=ADVERSITY=Abottomlesslake,surroundedbynear-sightedfriends.

*****

=AFFINITY=Complimentarytermforyourhusbandoryourwife.Sometimesasynonymfor"Yourfinish."

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=AFTERTHOUGHT=Atardysenseofprudencethatpromptsonetotrytoshuthismouthaboutthetimehehasputhisfootinit.

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=AGE=Somethingtobragaboutinyourwine-cellarandforgetinabirth-daybookTheboastofanoldvintage,thebugabooofanoldmaid.

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=ALCOHOL=Aliquidgoodforpreservingalmosteverythingexcept

secrets.

*****

=ALDERMAN=

[Illustration]

ApoliticalofficeknownastheCrook'sRoadtoWealth.FromEng._all_,andGreek_derma_,meaningskin--"allskin."


5/71

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=ALIMONY=Anexpensivesoothingsyrup,prescribedbythejudgeforadivorcee'sbleedingheart.(Oldspelling,_allaymoney_).

*****

=ALLOPATHY=FromEng._all_,everybody,andGrk._pathos_,pain.Painforeverybody.=HOMOEOPATHY=FromGrk._homoios_,same,and_pathos_.Pain,justthesame.

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=ALPHABET=Atoyforthechildrenfoundinbooks,blocks,picturesandvermicellisoup.Contains26lettersandonlythreesyllables.

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=ANCESTORS=TheoriginatorsoftheFamilyTree,aremarkablesexparadoxinwhichtheAnnsistersarealwaysthefourfathers.

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=ANGEL=Aheavenlyineligible,withwingsandaharp;or,anearthlyeligible,withmoneyandaheart.

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=ANTI-ROOMS=EuphemistictermforCanfield's,NewYorkCity.

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=ANTI-IMPERIALIST=Apatriotwhoseconscienceworksovertime.

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=ANTIMONY=AmetallicsubstancediscoveredbyValentinein1450,andnowextensivelyusedinthearts--particularlypoker.

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=APPENDICITIS=Amodernpain,costingabout$200morethantheold-fashionedstomach-ache.

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=ARGUMENT=Breakingandenteringtheear,assaultandbatteryonthebrainanddisturbingthepeace.

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=ARSON=DerivedfromtheHebrew.(See=INSURANCE=).

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=ARTIST=Commonly,theindividuallonghairedandshort-suited,havingapositiveposeandanuncertainincome.Oftenshyonmeal-ticketsbutstrongontechniqueandthepriceoftripe


6/71

sandwiches.Anartistmaybeabarber,aboot-black,aSargentoraPaderewski.

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=ATHLETE=

[Illustration]

Adignifiedbunchofmuscles,unabletosplitwoodorsifttheashes.

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=AUGUR=Onewhoboredtheancientswithprophecies.

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=AUTOMOBILE=

[Illustration]

FromEng._oughtto_,andLat._moveo_,tomove.Avehiclewhichoughttomove,butfrequentlycan't.

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=AUTOMOBILIST=Alandlubberonwheelsmadeuptoresembleadeepseadiver.

Finefeathersmakefinefeather-beds.

B

Astitchintimesavesembarrassingexposure.

=BABY=

[Illustration]

FromGrk._babai_,wonderful.Parentsareyettobeheardfromwhodon'tthinktheirsisa"wonder."

Anocturnalanimaltowhicheveryoneinasleeping-cariseagertogiveawideberth.

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=BACHELOR=FromLatin_baculus_,astick,unattached.Hence,anunattachedman,whichanyladymaystick,stickto,orgetstuckon.


7/71

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=BACKBITER=Amosquito.

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=BALANCE=Somethingwantedbybook-keepersandoftenlostbytopers.Maybefoundinacash-bookorthekangaroogait.

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=BANDIT=Anoutlaw.See=ALDERMAN=.

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=BARBER=Abrilliantconversationalist,whooccasionallyshavesandcutshair.Syn.forPhonograph.

*****

=BARS=Thingsfoundinharbors,hotels,fences,prisons,courtsandmusic.(Thosefoundincourtsandinmusicarefullofbeats).

*****

=BARGAIN=

[Illustration]

Adiseasecommontowomen,caughtintheSundaypapersanddevelopedindepartmentstoresonMondays.Symptoms,loudtalk,pushingandshoving,acombinationprize-fightandfoot-ballscrimmage.(Oldspelling_Bark-gain_).

*****

=BASEBALL=Agameinwhichtheyoungmanwhobravelystrikesoutforhimselfreceivesnopraiseforit.

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=BAT=SeniorpartnerofBat,Ball&Co.,andneverfoundwithouttherestofthefirm,asittakesseveralhigh-ballstomakeoneshortbat.

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=BEACH=Astripofsand,skirtedbywater;coveredwithlady-killersinsummer,life-saversinwinter,andusedasa

haven--orheaven--forSmackstheyeararound.

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=BENEDICT=Amarriedmale.

=BENEDICTINE=Amarriedfemale.

=BENEDICTION=Theirchildren.


8/71

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=BERTH=Anaidtosleep,inventedbyPullman.Lowerpreferred.

=BIRTH=Anaidtolife,discoveredbyWoman.Higherpreferred.

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=BICYCLE-SKIRT=Aabbreviatedgarmentthatmakeswomenlookshorterandmenlonger.

*****

=BIGAMY=Aformofinsanityinwhichamaninsistsonpayingthreeboardbillsinsteadoftwo.

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=BILLIOUSNESS=Alivercomplaintoftenmistakenforpiety.

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=BILL-OF-FARE=Alistofeatables.DistinguishedfromMenubyfiguresintheright-handcolumn.

*****

=BIOGRAPH=Astereopticonpicturetakenwithachillandshownwithtremors.

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=BIRDIE=Atermawomanisapttoapplytoamansheisplayingforajay.

*****

=BIRTHDAY=Anniversaryofone'sbirth.Observedonlybymenandchildren.

*****

=BLUBBER=Theusefulproductofadeadwhale.Theuselessproductofalivebaby.

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=BLUE=Theonlycolorwecanfeel.=INVISIBLEBLUE=Apoliceman.

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=BLUSH=Atemporaryerythemaandcalorificeffulgenceofthephysiognomy,aeteologizedbytheperceptivenessofthesensorium,inapredicamentofinequilibrity,fromasenseofshame,angerorothercause,eventuatinginaparesisofthevase-motorial,muscularfilamentsofthefacialcapillaries,whereby,beingdivestedoftheirelasticity,theybecomesuffusedwitharadianceemanatingfromanintimidatedpraecordia.


9/71

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=BOARD=Animplementforadministeringcorporalpunishment,usedbymothersandland-ladies."TheFestiveBoard"maybeashingle,ahair-brushafish-hashbreakfastorastewedprunesupper.

*****

=BOHEMIA=(Notonthemap.)Alandflowingwithcannedmilkanddistilledhoneyanduntroubledbyconsistency,convention,conscienceorcash.Alandtowhichmanyarecalledandfewchosen.

=BONE=OneDollar--theoriginalpriceofawife.Note,Adam,whohadtogiveuponebonebeforehegotEve.

*****

=BONNETS=Afemaleheadtrouble,whichiscontractedthelatterpartofLentandbreaksoutonEaster.

*****

=BOODLE=Money,bornofpoor,butdishonestparents,andtakeninbytheGraftfamily.

*****

=BORROW=v.t.,toswaphotairforcoldcoin.

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=BOWER=Ashadyretreat,ingeneral.

=BOWERY=AshadyretreatinNewYork.

*****

=BRACE=Securityforthetrousers.

=BRACER=Securityforthestomach.

=BRACELET=Securityforthepawn-broker.

*****

=BRAIN=Thetop-floorapartmentintheHumanBlock,knownastheCranium,andkeptbytheSarahSisters--SarahBrumandSarahBelum,assistedbyMedullaOblongata.Allthreearenervous,

butarealwaysconfinedtotheircells.TheBrainisdoneingrayandwhite,andfurnishedwithlightandheat,hotorcoldwater,(ifdesired),withregularconnectionstotheoutsideworldbywayoftheSpinalCircuit.UsuallyoccupiedbytheIntellectBros.,--ThoughtsandIdeas--asanIntelligenceOffice,butsometimessub-lettoJag,Hang-Over&Co.

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=BRAND=Somethingcarriedonthehip,byeitherbeastorman.Can


10/71

befoundontheoutsideofashort,redsteer,ortheinsideofalong,blackbottle.

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=BRASSBAND=Acleverthoughsomewhatcomplicatedarrangementforholdingacrowdtogether.

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=BRICK=Anadmirablepersonmadeoftherightsortofclayandpossessingplentyofsand.Whatyourfriendscallyoubeforeyougotothewall--butneverafterward.

*****

=BRIMSTONE=AlittlebitofHades,whichfindsitsmatchonearthandsmellstoheaven.Bettertostrikeitherethaninthehereafter.

*****

=BREVITY=AdesirablequalityintheFourthofJulyorationbutnotinthefireworks.

*****

=BROKE=Awordexpressingtheultimateconditionofonewhoistoomuchbentonspeculating.

*****

=BUM=Afallentough.

=BUMP=Atoughfall.

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=BUNCO=Theartofdisseminatingknowledgeintheruraldistricts.

*****

=BY-STANDER=Onewhoisinjuredinastreetfight.

Peoplewholiveinglasshousesshoulddressinthedark.

C

Don'tputallyoureggsinonebasket--tryanincubator.

=CAB=Affairforadrive.


11/71

=CABBY=Driverforafare.

*****

=CACHINNATION=

[Illustration]

Thehysterical"Ha-Ha."Syn.forCarrieNation.

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=CADDIE=Asmallboy,employedataliberalstipendtoloseballsforothersandfindthemforhimself.

*****

=CAFE=Aplacewherethepublicpaystheproprietorfortheprivilegeoftippingthewaitersforsomethingtoeat.

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=CAJOLE=v.t.,FromGrk._kalos_,beautiful,andEng._jolly_,tojollybeautifully.

*****

=CALCIUM=Anearthlylightthatbrightenseventhestars.

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=CANNIBAL=Aheathenhobowhoneverworks,butlivesonotherpeople.

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=CAPTIVATE=FromLat._caput_,head,andEng._vacate_,or

empty,--toemptythehead.Note,Womenwhohavecaptivatedmen.

*****

=CAPE=Aneckinthesea.

=CAPER=Afootintheair.

*****

=CARNEGIE-ITIS=

[Illustration]

Amaniaforburningmoney.ContractedinaPennsylvaniablastfurnace,developedinaScotchcastleandnowepidemicinAmericanpubliclibraries.

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=CART=v.t.,Totakeoff.


12/71

=CARTOON=Thetake-off.

*****

=CAULIFLOWER=ACabbagewithacollegeeducation.

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=CAVALRY=Thatarmofthemilitaryservicethatengagesintherealhoss-tilities.

*****

=CEMETERY=Theoneplacewhereprincesandpaupers,portersandpresidentsarefinallyonthedeadlevel.

*****

=CHAMPAGNE=Thestuffthatmakestheworldgoround.

*****

=CHAIR=Four-leggedaidtotheinjured.

=CHARITY=Forehandedaidtotheindigent.

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=CHAUFFEUR=Amanwhoissmartenoughtooperateanautomobile,butcleverenoughnottoownone.

*****

=CHRISTIAN=Amemberofanyorthodoxchurch.

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=CHRISTMAS=Awidelyobservedholidayonwhichthepastnorthefutureisofsomuchinterestasthepresent.

*****

=CHUMP=Anyonewhoseopiniondiffersradicallyfromours.

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=CIGARETTE=Aweedwhosesmoke,somesay,shouldneverbeinhaled,andstillmoreinsistshouldneverbeexhaled.

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=CINDER=Oneofthefirstthingstocatchyoureyeintravelling.

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=CIVILIZATION=Anupwardgrowthortendencythathasenabledmankindtodevelopthecollegeyellfromwhatwasonceonlyafeeblewar-whoop.

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13/71

=COLLECTOR=Amanwhomfewcaretoseebutmanyasktocallagain.

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=COLLEGE=FromFr._colle_,pastedorstuck,and_etude_,study.Aplacewhereeveryoneisstuckonstudy.(?)

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=COLONEL=

[Illustration]

AmaleresidentofKentucky.

See=KERNEL=.

*****

=COMPLIMENT=v.t.,FromEng._con_,--hotair,andLat._pleo_,tofill.Hence,tofillwithhotair.

*****

=COMPLEXION=Colorfortheface.FromEng._complex_,difficult,and_shun_,toavoid.Toavoiddifficulty,buyitofthedruggist.

*****

=COMMENDATION=FromEng._con_,ajosh,and_mend_,tofixup.Hence,afixed-upjosh.

*****

=CONDUCTOR=FromEng._coin_,andLat._duco_,tocommand.Onewho

commandsthecoin.

*****

=CONSCIENCE=Thefearofbeingfoundout.

*****

=COOK=Acharitableinstitution,providingfoodandshelterforPolicemen.

*****

=CORPS=Abigbunchoffighters.(Dist.bet.coresfoundinapplesandcorpsfoundinarms).

*****

=CORSET=FromFr._corps_,shape,and_sec_,rough.Roughontheshape.

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14/71

=COSMETIC=Anewface-maker.FromGrk._kosmos_,order,andEng._medic_,ordoctor,--orderedbythedoctor.(SeeComplexion.)

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=COT=Asnoozeforone.

=COTILLON=Adanceforeight.

*****

=CREDIT=Somethingfornothing.

=CREDITOR=Somethingwithnothing.

*****

=CREDULITY=Afemininevirtueandamasculinevice.

*****

=CREMATION=Ameansofdisposingofthedeadlikelytobecomeverypopular,especiallywithwomenwhoaresofondofhavingthelastretort.

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=CRITIC=Awetblanketthatsoakseverythingittouches.

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=CROOK=OnewhoexceedsthespeedlimitinLaw&OrderAve.AMisfitintheStraightandNarrowWay.

*****

=CROW=Abirdthatnevercomplainswithoutcaws.

*****

=CULTURE=Adegreeofmentaldevelopmentthatproducestailor-madewomen,fantastically-shearedpoodlesanddocktailedhorses.

*****

=CUPID=Adriverofsharpdarts.

=CUPIDITY=Adriverofsharpdeals.

*****

=CYNIC=Amanwhoknowsthepriceofeverythingandthevalueofnothing.

AllworkandnoplaymakesJackADeadOne.


15/71

D

Outoffight,outofcoin.--_ThePugilist'sPlaint_.

=DABBLE=v.t.,Toplayinwater.

=DABBLEINSTOCKS=--Samething.

*****

=DACHSHUND=Alow-downdog.

*****

=DANCE=Abrisk,physicalexercise,inventedbySt.Vitus.

*****

=DATES=AfruitcommonlypluckedfromtheFamilyTreeandspreadontheleavesofhistory.(Dist.bet.DatesandPeaches,which

areoftenassociated).

*****

=DEAD=Withoutlife.SeeBoston.

=DEADER=Pompeii.

=DEADEST=Philadelphia.

*****

=DEADBEAT=Onewhomakesasoftlivingbyspongingit.

*****

=DEBT=AbigwordbeginningwithOwe,whichgrowsbiggerthemoreitiscontracted.

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=DEE-LIGHTED=

[Illustration]

AnOysterBaylocalism,derivedfromdelighted.

*****

(PatentandDramaticrightstothiswordare,untilMarch4,1905,theexclusivepropertyofT.Roosevelt,Esq.,SubsequenteditionsofTheFoolishDictionarywilldefinethewordatlength).

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16/71

=DELEGATE=FromEng._dally_,toloaf,andFr._gate_,spoiled.Aspoiledloafer.

*****

=DEMAGOGUE=FromGrk._demos_,people,andEng._gag_.Onewhogagsthepeople.

*****

=DEMOCRACY=Amysteriouscountry,boundedontheeastbyRichardOlney,onthewestbyWillieBryan,onthenorthbyDaveHillandonthesouthbyBenniePitchforkTillman.

*****

=DEN=Acavity.

=DENT=Topunch.

=DENTIST=Onewhopunchesthefaceandfillscavities.

*****

=DEUCE=Anhonestcard,infacttheonlyonethatisneverknowntobeattray.

*****

=DEVIL=

[Illustration]

AnoldrascalmentionedintheBible,nowreportedengagedtoMaryMcLane.

*****

=DIAMOND=Abrightgemthesparkleofwhichsometimesrendersawomanstone-blindtothedefectsofthemanprofferingit.

*****

=DIARY=Anhonestautobiography.Agoodkeepsake,butabadgive-away.

*****

=DIGNITY=Anarrow,unstablebearingwhichmentalspindle-shankstrytostanduponwhentheyhavenoothersupport.

*****

=DICKENS=Anauthor;politetermforthedevil.

*****

=DIE=Aneffect.

=DIET=Frequentlyacause.


17/71

*****

=DIMPLE=Arippleinthegentlewhirlpoolofaprettywoman'ssmile.

*****

=DIPLOMAT=Aninternationalliar,withanelasticconscienceandarubberneck.

*****

=DISCOUNT=Somethingoftensoldinplaceofgoods.

*****

=DISCRETION=Aninstinctiveperceptionthatenablesustosay,"Oh,shutup!"tothesmall,weakman,and"Ibegyourpardon,butIdonotentirelyagreewithyourviews,"tothelarge,strongone.

*****

=DIVE=Agambler'sretreat.

=DIVIDENDS=Agambler'sreward.

*****

=DIVORCE=Nominally,separationofhusbandandwifefromthebondsofmatrimony.InthevicinityofNewportitisfrequentlyalegalformulathatimmediatelyprecedesafashionablewedding.

*****

=DOCK=Aplaceforlayingup.

=DOCTOR=Onewholaysyouup.

*****

=DREAM=Whatamanmaycallawoman,thoughaPillmayhavesuggestedit.Sweetheartsaredreamsbecausetheyseldomcometrue;wives,becausethey'reoftenanight-mare,andbothbecausetheygobycontraries.

*****

=DRAFT=(=DRAUGHT=)Whatgivesacold,curesacold,andpaysthe

doctor'sbill.

*****

=DROP-STITCH=Akindoffemininehosierydesignedtopreventthemenfrompayingtoomuchattentiontotheopen-work,"peek-a-boo"shirt-waist.

*****


18/71

=DRUM=Somethingnoisy,andmadetobeat.

=DRUMMER=Somethingnoisy,butimpossibletobeat.FromtheGrk._drimus_,meaningsharp.Hence,somethingsharp,thatalwayscarriesitspointandstickswhoeveritcan.

*****

=DUST=Mudwiththejuicesqueezedout.

*****

=DYNAMITE=

[Illustration]

Theperorationofananarchist'sargument.

*****

=DYSPEPSIA=Agoodfoundationforabadtemper.

Outofsight,onlyinmind.--_BalladoftheBlindBeggar_.

E

Awordtothewiseisuseless.

=EAGLE=ThenationalbirdofaChristiancountry;(theUnited

States.)Presumablychosenonaccountofitsbeingabirdofpray.

*****

=EARL=Atitleofnobility.

=EARLY=Atitleofstupidity.Seeoldsaw,

"Earlytobedandearlytorise,Makesamanafarmer!"

*****

=EARTH=

[Illustration]

Asolidsubstance,muchdesiredbytheseasick.

*****

=ECHO=Theonlythingthatcancheatawomanoutofthelastword.


19/71

*****

=ECONOMY=Denyingourselvesanecessaryto-dayinordertobuyaluxuryto-morrow.

*****

=EGG=

[Illustration]

Awholesome,yetfowl,product,ofnouseuntilbroken.Sometimesacureforindigestionorbadacting.

*****

=ELECTION=

[Illustration]

AperiodicalpicnicfortheAmericanPeople.Heldinbooths,wheretheVoterputsinhisballot,andTheMachineelectswhateveritchooses.Adaywhenthelowliestmaymaketheirmarkand

evenbeggarsmayride;whentheGladMitgetspromiscuousandeverythingisfull--particularlythelodging-houses.

*****

=ENCORE=Agreedytheatre-goer'sdesiretogetmorethanhismoney'sworth.FromtheFr._en_,among,and_cochon_,pig,--commonamongpigs.

*****

=ENGAGEMENT=Inwar,abattle.Inlove,thesalubriouscalmthatprecedestherealhostilities.

*****

=ENTHUSIAST=Onewhopreachesfourtimesasmuchashebelievesandbelievesfourtimesasmuchasasanemanoughtto.

*****

=EPITAPH=Astatementthatusuallyliesaboveabouttheonewholiesbeneath.

*****

=EQUATOR=

[Illustration]

Animaginarylinearoundtheearth.RecentlyheldbyJ.P.Morgan.

*****

=ERR=Tomakeamistake.


20/71

=ERRATIC=Fullofmistakes.

*****

=ETHER=Oneoftheworld'sthreegreatcomposers--theothersbeingGasandChloroform--whoseairsarepopularamongthesuffering.

*****

=ETIQUETTE=AconvenientcodeofconductwhichmakesLyingavirtueandSnobbishnessarighteousdeed.

*****

=EVOLUTION=AclevertrickperformedbyoneDarwin,whomadeamonkeyofAdam.

*****

=EXCURSION=From_ex_.former,andGrk._kairo_,toenjoy.Hence,atiresomejourney--formerlyanenjoyment--soldathalfprice.

*****

=EXERCISE=Bodilyexertionrequiringa$10,000gymnasium,aten-acrelotandimpossibleraiment.Originallyconfinedtothewash-tubandthewood-pile.

*****

=EXPANSION=AcombinationofGrandLarcenyandPiracy,involvingthedestructionoftheConstitutionandDeclarationofIndependence.--Boston.

Thebenevolentassimilationofpreviouslyoppressedpeoples--Washington,D.C.

Adoubtfulcommercialexperiment.--WallStreet.

Thewhiteman'sburden.--Kipling.

*****

=EXPLOSION=Agoodchancetobeginatthebottomandworkup.

*****

=EXPOSITION=AnovergrownDepartmentStore,usuallyopenedayearortwobehindtime.

It'snevertoolatetospend.

F


21/71

Abirdontheplateisworthtwoonthebonnet.

=FACE=Afertile,openexpanse,lyingmidwaybetweencollarbuttonandscalp,andfullofcheek,chinandchatter.Thecropofthemalefaceishair,harvesteddailybyalather,orallowedtoruntomutton-chops,spinachorfulllacecurtains.Thefemalefaceproductispowder,whencetheexpression,"Shootoffyourface."Eachissuppliedwithlamps,snufflersandbreadboxes.

*****

=FAILURE=Thequickestmethodknownformakingmoney.

*****

=FEINT=Apugilist'sbluff.

=FAINT=Awoman'sbluff.

*****

=FAITH=Amentalaccomplishmentwherebyanear-achebecomesaSymphonyConcert,abrokenfingeradiamondringanda"touch"aninvitationtodine.

*****

=FAKE=Afalsereport.

=FAKIR=Afalsereporter.

*****

=FAME=Havingabrandofcigarsnamedafteryou.

*****

=FAMILY=

[Illustration]

Originallyawifeandseveralchildren,amatterofpridetothepossessor.Nowobsoleteamongthecareful,orconfinedtothewife,abullpupandacanarybird.

*****

=FARE.=Thecostofaride.Seeoldadage,"Onlythebravecanworktheirfare."

*****

=FAULT=Abouttheonlythingthatisoftenfoundwhereitdoesnotexist.

*****


22/71

=FICTION.=TheConstitutionalfiatthat"allmenarecreatedequal."

*****

=FIDDLER=Aviolinistbeforehebecomesthevirtuosowhorefusestoplayarealtune.

*****

=FIRMNESS=Thatadmirablequalityinourselvesthatisdetestablestubbornnessinothers.

*****

=FIG=Nothing.Note,"Idon'tcareafig,"etc.

=FIGLEAF=Asmalloutergarment,nexttonothing,wornbyAdam4000B.C.andoccasionallyrevivedbyBostonianArtCommittees.

*****

=FISHING=AnheroictreatmenttriedbysomelaymentoavoidfallingasleepinchurchonSunday.

*****

=FLAT=Aseriesofpaddedcells,commonlyfoundincities,inwhichareconfinedharmlessmonomaniacswhoimagineHometobeaSardineBox.

*****

=FLATTERY=Colognewater,tobesmelledofbutnotswallowed.

*****

=FLUE=Anescapeforhotair.

=FLUENCY=Theartofreleasingthesame.

*****

=FLUSH=FromGrk._phlox_,heat.Arushofcolortothecheek,orhand,causedbybodily--orpoker--heat.

*****

=FLY=Afamiliarsummerboarderwhomingleswiththecreamofsociety,getsstuckonthebutterandleaveshisspecsbehind.

*****

=FLY-SCREEN=Anarrangementforkeepingfliesinthehouse.

*****

=FOOT=Theunderstandingofagirlfromthewest.


23/71

=FOOT-PATH=Chicago,Ill.

*****

=FOOTBALL=Acleversubterfugeforcarryingonprize-fightsundertheguiseofareputablegame.

*****

=FOREIGNER=

[Illustration]

Onewhoiseligibletothepoliceforce.FromGrk._fero_,tocarryoff,and_enara_,spoils.Onewhocarriesoffthespoils.

*****

=FORBEARANCE=Thespiritoftolerationshownwhenamanwhoknows,patientlylistenstoafoolwhodoesnot.

*****

=FRANC=Twentycents,inFrench.

=FRANKFURTERS=Fourfortwenty,inGerman.Derivedfrom_frank_,open,and_fortitude_,meaningbrave.Soldintheopenandeatenbythebrave.

*****

=FROST=Anoldflameaftertheengagementisbrokenoff.

*****

=FUN=Joy.

=FUNCTION=Devoidofjoy.

Asyesew,soshallyerip.

G

Moneymakesthemayorgo.--_ProverbsofPolitics._

=GALLON=FromtheFr._galonner_,tomaketight.Note,oneissufficient.

*****


24/71

=GALLANTRY=Thiswordisnowalmostobsolete.Itwasformerlyemployedtoexpressadeferentialattentiononthepartofthemanwhoinacrowdedcargaveuphisseattotheladies.

*****

=GAMBLER=FromtheGrk._gumnos_,strippedtotheskin.Andthegambler'stheonethatdoesit.

*****

=GARDEN=FromtheFr._garantir_,tomakegood.Hence,aplacewhereloversmakegood.

*****

=GARLIC=FromGrk._gar_,for,andLat._liceor_,tobid.Goodforthebiddies.

*****

=GEM=Abreakfastmuffin.Withthenewlymarried,syn.for"apreciousstone."

*****

=GERM=Abitofanimallifelivinginwater.

=GERMAN=

[Illustration]

Moreanimallife,livingonbeer.

*****

=GIRAFFE=Thechampionrubber-neckoftheworld,andthelongest

thirstonrecord.

*****

=GLOBE=Anall-roundpropositionwhichhasfurnisheditsshareholdersalivingforseveralthousandyears,thoughitsstockistwo-thirdswater.

*****

=GOAT=ThehonoredfounderandoldestinhabitantofHarlem,N.Y.Elsewhere,notingoododor.

*****

=GOLF=AnexcuseforcarryingunconcealedweaponsandaScotchbreath.

*****

=GONDOLA=ApleasurecraftwhichpliesinVenice,atWorld'sFairsandotherpopularwateringplaces.FromEng._gone_,andLat._dolor_,sadness,orEng._dollar_.Sadnessgone;also,agone


25/71

dollar.

*****

=GORE=Blood.SheddailyinChicagoabattoirsbutneverspilledinFrenchduels.

*****

=GOSSIP=DerivedeitherfromtheGrk._gups_,vulture,orFr._gosier_,wind-pipe.Hence,avulturethattearsitspreytobits,oranexerciseofthewind-pipefromwhicheveryvictimgetsablow.

*****

=GOUT=TheundesirablescionofHighLiving,whichfrequentthelowestjointsandismentionedonlyintheInvalid'sFoot-Notes.

*****

=GOWN=FromLat._gaudium_,joy.Athingofbeautyandajoyforever;iffromParis,generallyanarticleofsomeWorth.

*****

=GUNPOWDER=Ablacksubstancemuchemployedinmarkingtheboundarylinesofnations.

*****

=GUM=Asubstanceforsticking.

=GUM-GAME=Agameinwhichsomeoneisstuck.

*****

=GUTTER=Aschoolinwhichwemaystudythedregsofhumanityorreadthereflectionofthestars.

There'smanyasliptwixtthetoeandtheheel.

H

Wherethere'sawillthere'salawsuit.

=HAIR-DRESSER=Alinguistwhosepositioninlifeenableshimtodohishead-workwithhishands.

*****


26/71

=HAMMER=Asmall,busyimplementcarriedbyblacksmiths,geologistsandKnockersforbreakingiron,rockorfriendship.

*****

=HAMMOCK=FromtheLat._hamus_,hook,andGrk._makar_,happy.Happinessonhooks.Also,apopularcontrivancewherebylove-makingmaybesuspendedbutnotstoppedduringthepicnicseason.

*****

=HAND=Amuchdesiredpossession,suppliedbyTheDamselorTheDealer.=GLADHAND=.Thebeggar'splea,thepolitician'ssceptreandthedrummer'sablestassistant.

*****

=HANDMAIDEN=Amanicure.

*****

=HARANGUE=Thetiresomeproductofatirelesstongue.FromEng._hear_,andLat._angor_,pain.Painfultohear.

*****

=HARMONY=FromtheGrk._arnumi_,strain.Hence,fullofstrains.

*****

=HASH=?

*****

=HATCH=Todevelopeggs.

=HATCHWAY=Placefordevelopingeggs;ahen-coop.

*****

=HAY-FEVER=Ahearttroublecausedbyfallinginlovewithagrasswidow.

*****

=HEARSE=Seenonthedead.

=HEARSAY=Heardonthedead.

*****

=HEARSE=Ahandsomevehicleinwhichthemanwhohasalwaysbeenatail-enderisfinallypermittedtoleadtheprocession.

*****

=HEART=Abloodyorgan,keptinatrunk,playedbybeats,andenjoyedonlyafteritislostorgivenaway.


27/71

*****

=HEAVE=Toraise.

=HEAVEN=Agoodplacetoberaisedto.

*****

=HEDGE=Afence.

=HEDGEHOG=Onewhohogsthefences.ABill-Poster.

*****

=HELL=Poverty.

*****

=HEREDITY=Thecauseofallourfaults.FromFr._here_,wretch,andEng._ditty_,song.Thesongofthewretched.

*****

=HEROISM=

[Illustration]

AtransferabletickettotheHaulofFame.OnceheldbyHobsonandDewey,nowcarriedbyMotherEddyandBrotherDowie.

*****

=HIP=Apopularlocationfortheretailliquorbusiness.

*****

=HISTORY=Theevilthatmendo.

*****

=HIT=Achanceforfirstplace,firstbaseorfirstblood.

*****

=HOCK=v.t.To"soak"whatweleastneed.InGermany,theygenerally"HocktheKaiser."

*****

=HOMOEOPATHY=SeeAllopathy.

*****

=HOOTMON=!TheScottishNationalHymn.

*****

=HOP=Toskip.

=HOPPER=Askipper.


28/71

*****

=HOPE=Adesireforbetterthingstocomethatmakesagrasswidowwillingtotryitagain.Also,adraftonfuturity,sometimeshonored,butgenerallyextended.

*****

[Illustration]

=HORN=Asharppoint.

=HORNET=Stillsharper.

*****

=HORSE-SENSE=Adegreeofwisdomthatkeepsonefrombettingontheraces.

*****

=HOSE=Man'sexcuseforwettingthewalk.

=HOSIERY=Woman'sexcuseforwalkinginthewet.

*****

=HOTEL=Aplacewhereaguestoftengivesupgooddollarsforpoorquarters.

*****

=HOUSECLEANING=Adomesticupheavalthatmakesiteasyforthegovernmenttoenlistallthesoldiersitneeds.

*****

=HUG=Aroundaboutwayofexpressingaffection.

*****

=HUMOR=Anoutbreak,eitherofskinorbrainsfrequentlybrandedasRash.

*****

=HUNGER=AbilitytoeatinaNightLunchCart.

*****

=HUSBAND=Thenextthingtoawife.FromEng._hussy_,woman,and_bond_,tie.Tiedtoawoman.

*****

=HYDRANT=FromGrk._hudros_,water,andEng._ante_,togiveup.Somethingthatgivesupwater.(AgoodsynonymforDipsomaniac).


29/71

*****

=HYPOCRITE=Ahorsedealer.FromGrk._hippos_,horse,and_kroteo_,tobeat.Onewhobeatsyouonahorsetrade.

Homeiswherethemortgageis.

I

Aimatachorus-girlandyoumayhitastar.--_Stage-DoorSecrets_.

=ICE=Asubstancefrequentlyassociatedwithatumbleinwinter,atumblerinsummer,andaskatetheyeararound.

*****

=ICEMAN=AcoolpropositionwhohasAxe-cesstothebestfamilies,makeshisWeighineveryhomeandcantakehisPickinthekitchen,ifheleaveshisChipsinthestreet."How'dYouLiketobeTheIceman?"

*****

=IDIOT=FromEng._idea_,and_out_.Onewhoisjustoutofideas.

*****

=IDLE=Useless.

=IDOLIZE=Tomakeuseless.

*****

=IMPECUNIOUS=Tobeinastateofpoverty.FromEng._in_,andLat._pecco_,tosin,povertybeingthegreatestofallsins.

*****

=IMPERIOUS=FromEng._imp_,deviland_aerial_,airy.Airyasthedevil.

*****

=INCANDESCENTLIGHT=

[Illustration]

FromLat._incendo_,toburn,andEng._cent_,meaningmoney.Aninventionforburningmoney.

*****


30/71

=INCOME=Thereliableoffspringofawiseinvestment.FromLat._in_and_coma_,meaningsleep.Moneywhichworkswhileyousleep.

*****

=INDEPENDENCE=Selfgovernment.GoodenoughforaCuban,buttoogoodforaFilipino.

*****

=INDIGESTION=Adistressingstomachtroublethatissometimestemporarilyrelievedbykickingthecatorwhippingthechildren.

*****

=INDIVIDUALITY=Aharmlesstraitpossessedbyone'sself.Thesametraitinothersisdownrightidiocy.

*****

=INDORSE=Towriteonthebackof;thebestindorsedmanintown

beingtheSandwich-Man.

*****

=INFANT=Adisturberofthepeace.

=INFANTRY=Adefenderofthepeace.

*****

=INHABITANT=Anativeofanyvillage,townorcity.=OLDESTINHABITANT=TheChampionLiar.

*****

=INTUITION=Afictitiousqualityinfemales--reallySuspicion.

*****

=IRRITANT=Somethingwhichirritates.=COUNTERIRRITANT=Awomanshopping.

*****

=ISLAND=Aplacewherethebottomoftheseasticksupthroughthewater.

*****

=ISOLATION=FromEng._ice_,meaningcold,andLat._solus_,alone.Aloneinthecold.

Afterdinnersitawhile,aftersupperwalkamile-


31/71

Andeverymeal'sasuppertotheHobo.

J

Lieshavenolegs--That'swhyweallhavetostandforthem.

=JACK=Aninstrumentrequiringastrongarm,andusedforraisingheavyweights,orforpullingofftheboots.

=JACK-POT=Aninstrumentrequiringastronghand,andusedforraisingheavybets,orforpullingoffthestakes.

*****

=JAG=FromtheSpanishword_zaga_,meaningaloadpackedontheoutsideofavan.InAmericatheloadispackedontheinsideofaman.

*****

=JAM=

[Illustration]

ApantrycompositioninAminor.

*****

=JANITOR=From_jangle_,toquarrel,and_torrid_,meaninghot.Hotandquarrelsome.

*****

=JELLY-CAKE=SynonymforBelly-Ache.

*****

=JERSEY=Wellknit.

=NEWJERSEY=Wellbit.(SeeMosquito).

*****

=JEW'SHARP=

[Illustration]

FromJew,aHebrew,andHarp,amusicalinstrument,theJew'smusicalinstrumentbeinga"Selllow!"(Oldspelling,Cello).

*****

=JIMMY=AnimplementemployedbymenofacquisitivenatureswhocannotaffordseatsintheStockExchange.


32/71

*****

=JOB=AnuncertaincommodityregulatedbyaUnionCard.

*****

=JOCKEY=From_jog_,tomoveslowly,and_key_,somethingthatmakesfast.Hence,onewhomakesthepacefastorslow,accordingtoinstructions.

*****

=JOINT=Eitheralowlimbfromthebutcher,oralowquarterintown;ineithercasethelowerthetougher.

*****

=JOKE=Aformofhumorenjoyedbysomeandmisunderstoodbymost;inEngland,requiringadiagram,raisedlettersandaclub.

*****

=JOLLY=v.t.,To"con"or"josh."

=JOLLYBOAT=TheShipofState.

*****

=JUDGE=Onewhositsonabenchinacourt,framessentencesandfinishescrooksforaliving,andswearscontinually.

*****

=JULEP=AninsidiousfriendfromtheSouth,whohandsyouamintandgivesyouasweetspirit,followedshortlybyaBun.

*****

=JURY=Twelvemenchosentodecidewhohasthebetterlawyer.

*****

=JUSTICE=Fairplay;oftensought,butseldomdiscovered,incompanywithLaw.

Achipoftheoldblock--AdaughteroftheTenderloin.

K

Oneman'smeatisanotherman'sfinish--CannedBeefinCuba.

=KANGAROO=AharddrinkerfromAustralia,especiallyfondof


33/71

hops,andgenerallycarryingaload.

*****

=KATYDID=AgossipinggrasshopperwhoisalwaysmeddlinginKaty'saffairs.

*****

=KEEPSAKE=Somethinggivenusbysomeonewe'veforgotten.

*****

=KERNELS=or=COLONELS=Articlesoftenfoundincores(orcorps)andfrequentlysurroundedbyshells.

*****

=KEROSENE=

[Illustration]

Anallegedproviderofheatandlight.FromLat._carus_,meaningexpensiveand_seneo_,tobeweak;expensivebutweak.For

furtherexplanation,consultStandardOilCompany.

*****

=KEYHOLE=

[Illustration]

Afrequenttestforsobriety.

*****

=KID=Eitheraboxing-gloveorafirst-born.Ineithercase,hard

tohandleuntilwelltanned.

*****

=KILTS=AScotchman'sapologyforindecentexposure.

*****

=KINDRED=FromEng._kin_,meaningrelation,and_dread_,meaningfear;fearfulrelations.

*****

=KINDERGARTEN=FromGer._kinder_,children,andLat._garritus_,ababbling.Aplaceforbabblingchildren.

*****

=KINDLING-WOOD=FromGer._kind_,youth,andEng._linger_,toloaf.Aplacewhereyouthgenerallyloafs.

*****


34/71

=KISS=Nothingdividedbytwo;meaningpersecutionfortheinfant,ecstasyfortheyouth,fidelityforthemiddle-agedandhomagefortheold.

*****

=KISS=Anindescribablesomethingthatisofnovaluetoanyone,butismuchprizedbytherighttwo.

*****

=KNOCKER=Adeviceondoorsforrousingpeople;also,adeviceonfootforthesamepurpose.

Laugh-in-one's-sleeve--ThedirectroutetotheFunny-Bone.

L

Twoheadsarebetterthanone--particularlyonaBarrelofMoney.

=LACE=Amongwomen,lacemeanslesson;whereforetheycombineartandthriftbylesseningthewaist.

*****

=LACONIC=Shyonwords.FromEng._lack_,meaningwant,and_connection_;wantofconnection.

*****

=LAMP=Alight.

=LAMPONED=Tobelightedon.

*****

=LARD=Fat.

=LARDER=Afattener.

*****

=LARK=Ashort,sweetspreeenjoyedbynighthawks.Also,anearlyrisingsinging-bird.(Dist.bet."outonalark,"and"upwiththelark,"animpossiblecombination).

*****

=LASSIE=Oneoftheweakersex.

=LASSITUDE=Slightlyweaker.


35/71

*****

=LAUD=PraisefortheAlmighty.

=LAUDANUM=Praysforhimself--aftertaking.

*****

=LAUNDRY=Aplacewhereclothesaremangled.

*****

=LAUGH=Apeculiarcontortionofthehumancountenance,voluntaryorinvoluntary,superinducedbyaconcatenationofexternalcircumstances,seenorheard,ofaridiculous,ludicrous,jocose,mirthful,funny,facetiousorfancifulnatureandaccompaniedbyacackle,chuckle,chortle,cachinnation,gigglegurgle,guffaworroar.

*****

=LAWYER=Onewhodefendsyourestateagainstanenemy,inordertoappropriateittohimself.

*****

=LECTURE=Anentertainmentatwhichitcostsbutlittletolookintelligent.

*****

=LEGISLATURE=

[Illustration]

FromLat._lego_,tobringtogether,and_latro_,tobarkorbluster;possiblyfrom_lex_,law,and_latens_,unknown.

Hence,acompanyofmenbroughttogethertobluster,oracompanyoflawmakerswhoknownothingaboutlaw.

*****

=LEISURE=FromEng.,_lazy_,and_sure_;assuredlaziness.

*****

=LENT=AChurchfastthatisslowtogo;orsomethingloanedwhichisslowtocomeback.

*****

=LIE=Averypoorsubstituteforthetruthbuttheonlyonediscovereduptodate.

*****

=LIMBURGER=AnativeofGermanystrongenoughtodohousework;wellrecommendedforcleaningoutthedining-room.

*****


36/71

=LIBRARY=FromFr._libre_,meaningfree,andpropername=ANDY=.SomethingfreefromAndyCarnegie.

*****

=LINKS=Foundinsausagesandgolfcourses,andbothfullofhazards.

*****

=LION=Acruelbeastwhoneverpatronizesthebarberandisalwaysbeardedinhisden,yetwillfurnishacloseshaveifyougetnearenough.

*****

=LOBSTER=

[Illustration]

TheediblelobsterisfoundofftheNewEnglandCoast.Thetwo-leggedspeciesisfoundeverywhere.Allkindsaregreen,butwhenroastedturnabrightred.Soubrettesarevery

dependentonbothvarietiesforaliving;togethertheyfurnishherwithfood,raiment,flats,diamonds,andoccasionallyindigestion.

*****

=LOBSTER-NEWBURG=Adishorderedathotelsbythosewhousuallygetbeansathome.

*****

=LOVE=Aman'sinsanedesiretobecomeawoman'smeal-ticket.

*****

=LOVER=Anardentadmirerwhosays,"Yes,dearest,Iwillshovelthesnowofthelakesothatwecangoskating!"and,aftermarriageremarks,"What!Shovelthesnowoffthewalkforyou?Well,Ishouldsaynot!I'mnochoreboy."

Hellispavedwithgoodintentions--alsoasbestos.

M

Afoolandhiswifearesoonparted.SeeAlimony.

=MAGAZINE=Areceptacleforexplosives,literaryormechanical.


37/71

*****

=MAGNATE=Onewhocanfloatcapitalinaconsiderablebodyofwater.FromLat._magnus_,great,and_nator_,toswim;agreatswimmer.

*****

=MAIDENLADY=Atermappliedtoanoldmaidbythosewhowishtoavoidhurtingherfeelings.

*****

=MALT=Ahumblegrainwhichoftengetsintoaferment,coolsoffandbecomesStoutinitsoldage.

*****

=MAN=Somethingthat"Goesfirstonfourfeet,thentwofeet,thenthree,butthemorefeetitgoesontheweakeritbe!"

*****

=MAN-ABOUT-TOWN=Onewhoisonspeakingtermswiththeheadwaiter.

*****

=MANICURE=Theonlywomanwhocanbeatacarpenteratsoakingnails.

*****

=MANNERS=AdifficultsymphonyinthekeyofBnatural.

*****

=MARK=InGermany,twenty-threecents.IntheUnitedStates,onlyTwain.

*****

=MASCULINE=FromGrk._maskos_,girl,and_eukolos_,easy.Easyforthegirls.

*****

=MASSAGE=Atouch,withintenttorubitin.

*****

=MATRIMONY=Agameforwomen,inwhichtheunmarriedhalfaretryingtofindahusbandandthemarriedhalftryingnottobefoundoutbyone.Bothhalvesareeminentlysuccessful.

*****

=MEAL=AccordingtotheLiquorLaw,aminutebunchofcrumbsentirelysurroundedbybooze.


38/71

*****

=MEDIUM=Apartywithoneearinthegravebutbothhandsonyourwallet."Hello,Central!GivemeHeaven!"

*****

=MELODEON=Anallegedmusicalinstrument,popularathome,butunpopularnextdoor.FromEng._melody_,andLatin,_un_,without.Warrantedwithoutmelody.

*****

=MENAGERIE=FromFr._melange_,mixture,andGer._riechen_,tosmell.Amixtureofsmells.

*****

=MESSENGERBOY=FromEng._miss_,tofail,andLat._engeo_,toarrive.Onewhofailstoarrive.

*****

=METER=Thegasman'strystingplace."Meetherinthecellar!"

*****

=MIND=Nomatter.=MATTER=Nevermind.

*****

=MINE=Aholeinthegroundownedbyaliar.

*****

=MINSTREL=Afootlightfoulthatmakesitsnightlylayinevery

city.

*****

=MIRACLE=Awomanwhowon'ttalk.

*****

=MIST=Generally,asmall,lightrain.=SCOTCHMIST=Acloudburst.

*****

=MITTEN=Somethingatender-heartedgirlgivesayoungmanwhen

sheknowssheisgoingtomakeitchillyforhim.

*****

=MONEY=Society'svindicationofvulgarity.

*****

=MONOPOLY=Amoderndeviceforimpoverishingothers.FromGrk._monux_,swift-footed,and_polloi_,thepeople.Aswiftkick


39/71

forthepeople.

*****

=MOON=Theonlylightingmonopolythatnevermademoney.

*****

=MORTGAGE=FromFr._mort_,death,andEng._gag_,tochoke.Alawyer'sinventionforchokingpropertytodeath.

*****

=MOSQUITO=AsmallinsectdesignedbyGodtomakeusthinkbetterofflies.

*****

=MOTH=Anunfortunateacquaintancewhoisalwaysinthehole.Andtheonlyoneswhotrytogethimoutarehisenemies.

*****

=MOUSE=

[Illustration]

Thefrequentcauseofariseincotton.

Allgoneto6'sand7's--Ladies'FootwearinChicago.

N

Timeandtidewaitfornoman--Buttimealwaysstandsstillforawomanofthirty.

=NATURE=Theauthorof"TheSeasons,"aninterestingworkoverwhichSpringpours,Summersmiles,andAutumnturnstheleaveswhileWintercatchesthedriftofitall.

*****

=NECK=Acloseconnectionbetweenchinandchest,usedforthedisplayoflinen,silk,furs,jewelryandskin,fittedwithgullet,windpipe,hungerandthirst,anddevotedtotherubberindustry.

*****

=NEGRO=Onewhovotesyourway.=NIGGER=Onewhodoesn't.

*****


40/71

=NEIGHBOR=Onewhoknowsmoreaboutyouraffairsthanyourself.

*****

=NERVE=

[Illustration]

Breakingthehair-brushonthedisobedientscion,thenmakinghimpayforanewone.Seerevisedversion,"Sparetherodandspoilthehair-brush!"

*****

"=NEXT="Thebarberouspasswordtotheheavenoftheshavedandtheunshaved.

*****

=NIP=SomethingbracingfromwithoutorwithinWhenfeltintheair,it'safrost.Whenfoundinaglass,alifesaver.

*****

=NOBILITY=AgangofforeignbrigandshavingabducentdesignsontheAmericanDamselandtheAmericanDollar.

*****

=NON-CONDUCTOR=Themotorman.

*****

=NOSE=Aprominentmemberofthefacefamily,usuallyaGreekorRoman,whoownstheshortestbridgeintheworld.Heisoftenstuckupincompany,butfrequentlyblowshimselfwhenhehas

hisgrippe.Principaloccupations,sniffling,snivelling,sneezing,snortingandscenting,intrudingintheneighbors'affairs,stuffinghimselfwithoutpermissionandbleedingforothers.

*****

=NOTE=(=PROMISSORY=)"Thesubstanceofthingslonghopedfor,theevidenceofthingsnotseen."

*****

=NOVEL=Afabricthatisoften(k)nitinprint,thoughtheyarnbe

wellspun.

*****

=NURSE=

[Illustration]

Onewhokeepssettingupthedrinksafteryou'reallin.


41/71

Outofthefrying-panintotheface--Mothers'doughnuts.

O

Manyhandsmakelightwork--alsoagoodJackpot.

=OAR=

[Illustration]

Apopulardeviceforcatchingcrabs.

*****

=OATS=England'shorse-feed,America'sbreakfastandScotland'stable-d'hote.

*****

=OATH=Aformofspeechthathasmanytrialsincourt,butisnevertriedinSundaySchool.

*****

=OBESITY=

[Illustration]

Asurplusgonetowaist.

*****

=OCEAN=Anoldtoperwhoisalwayssoaked,hasmanyahardnightalongthecoast,floatsmanyaschooner,lasheshimselfintoafurybecausesofrequentlycrossed,andhashisbarksineveryport.Atsea,thekingoftheelements;onshore,ameresurf.

*****

=OLEOMARGARINE=TheWhiteBread'sBurden.FromEng._olio_,amixture,andGrk._margino_,tobefurious.Afuriousmixture.

*****

=OMNIBUS=AtestforPatience,stillpopularinEngland.FromGrk._oneiros_,dream,and_baino_,togoormove.Adreamofmotion.

*****

=ONION=Theall-roundstrengthchampionoftheVegetableKingdom,garlicandcabbagebeingcloserivals.


42/71

*****

=OPERA=Adramathathastakenonairsandrefusestospeak,yetalwayssingsitsownpraises.=GRANDOPERA=Anexcusefordisplayingseveralboxesofjewelryandpeacheswithpedigrees.

*****

=OPINION=TheprodigalsonofThought.=PUBLICOPINION=Theworld'schampionpugilist,whohasknockedoutLawinmanyahardfoughtbout.

*****

=OPIUM=Therealauthorof"TheDreamBook."

*****

=OPTIMISM=Acheerfulframeofmindthatenablesatea-kettletosingthoughinhotwateruptoitsnose.

*****

=ORCHARD=Thesmallboy'sEdenoftoday,inwhichtheappleagainoccasionsthefall.

*****

=OSTRICH=Thelargestandheaviestbirdonearth,yetratedbyhisownersonlyasafeatherweight.

*****

=OUTSKIRTS=Theonlygarmentswhichclothemanyametropoliswithdecency.

*****

=OVEN=Theonlysportwhoenjoysanequallyhottimewithorwithoutthedough.

Handsomeiswhathansomscharge.

P

Soap,longdeferred,makeththedirtstick.

=PAIN=AsensationexperiencedonreceivingaPunch,particularlytheLondonone.


43/71

*****

=PALMISTRY=Aplausibleexcuseforholdinghands.

*****

=PANTS=Trousers'CountryCousins.

*****

=PARACHUTE=

[Illustration]

AsuccessfulmethodforgettingthedropontheEarth.

*****

=PARAGON=Themodelmanawomanregretsshegaveupfortheoneshemistakenlymarried.

*****

=PARENTS=Oneofthehardshipsofaminor'slife.

*****

=PASS=Aformoftransportationissuedfreetothosewhoarequiteabletopay.

=PASSENGER=Onewhodoesnottravelonapass.(AntonymforDeadhead).FromEng._pass_,togo,andGrk._endidomi_,togiveup.Onewhohastogiveuptogo.

*****

=PARROT=Anindividualwhocanneverbeheldresponsibleforwhat

hesays.

*****

=PASTRY=Adeadlyweaponcarriedbycafes,cooksandnewlymarriedhousekeepers.

*****

=PATRIOT=OnewhoiswillingtotakeallofUncleSam'sbondsinalump.

*****

=PAWN=

[Illustration]

v.t.,TokeeppropertyinthefamilybyleavingitallwithyourUncle.

*****


44/71

=PAWNBROKER=Amercenarymantowhommoneyistheoneredeemingquality.

*****

=PEACE=AmythicalconditionoftranquillityfrequentlyreportedfromthePhillipines.

*****

=PEACH=ApopularsynonymforFairWoman,probablybecausethepeachislargelyaskinandstonyatheart.

*****

=PEARL=Asmallroundproductmanufacturedbyanoyster,boughtbyalobsterandwornbyabutterfly.

*****

=PENITENT=From_pen_,meaningtowrite,and_intent_,meaningdetermination.Onewhodeterminesfortheright.

*****

=PESSIMIST=Onewhopaintsthingsblue.Andsometimesred.

*****

=PHILISTINE=InBibletimes,onewhoworriedthechildrenofIsrael;today,onewhoworriesonlyhimself.FromGrk._phloios_,bark,and_tino_,topunish.Onewhobarkstopunish.

*****

=PHILANTHROPIST=Onewhoreturnstothepeoplepubliclyasmall

percentageofthewealthhestealsfromthemprivately.

*****

=PHILOSOPHER=Onewhoinsteadofcryingoverspiltmilkconsoleshimselfwiththethoughtthatitwasoverfour-fifthswater.

*****

=PHILOSOPHY=Somethingthatenablestherichtosaythereisnodisgraceinbeingpoor.

*****

=PIANO=AtoolfrequentlyusedinbuildingaRoughHouse.

*****

=PIN=Thebestdresserinawoman'sacquaintance--ofremarkablepenetrationandtrueassteel,seldomlosesitshead,followsitsownbentandcarriesitspointinwhateveritundertakes.

*****


45/71

=PING-PONG=Agameinventedforthebenefitoffurnitureandcrockerydealers.

*****

=PITY=Anemotionawakenedinaman'smindwhenhebeholdsthechildrenofawomanwhomighthavemarriedhiminstead.

*****

=PLATONICLOVE=Anarrangementinwhichamanandwomanattemptacorrectimitationofapairoficicles--andneversucceed.

*****

=PLENTY=AdesirableconditionthatislikelytostepoutwheneverExtravagancestepsin.

*****

=PLUM=AfruitthatripensandfallsfromthePoliticalTree--butonlyaftercarefulgrafting.

*****

=PLUMB=Toascertainthecapacityof.

=PLUMBER=Onewhoascertainsthecapacityofyourpurse,soaksyouwithapieceofleadandgetsawaywiththemoney--aprocessvulgarlyknownas"alead-pipecinch."

*****

=POLE-CAT=Asmallanimaltobekilledwithapole,thelongerthepolethebetter.

*****

=POLICEMAN=

[Illustration]

Aneverpresenthelpintimeoftrouble.

*****

=POLYGAMY=Athoughtlesswayofincreasingthefamilyexpenses.

*****

=POLYGLOT=Aparrotthatcanswearinseverallanguages.

*****

=POSTSCRIPT=Theonlythingreadableinawoman'sletter.

*****

=PRETZEL=Thebar-keeper'spromoter.


46/71

*****

=PROTECTION=Originally,theswaddlingclothesoftheinfant,Industry;now,merelytheshoe-lacingsforthegiant,Monopoly.

*****

=PRO=and=CON=Prefixesofoppositemeaning.Forexample,ProgressandCongress.

*****

=PRUDE=AnativeofBoston.

*****

=PRUDENCE=Aqualityofmindthatrestrainsthewiseboarderfromtryingtofindouthowhislandladymakesherhash.

*****

=PRUDERY=Aqualitythatdisplaysalackofmodestyasawigdoes

alossofhair.

*****

=PRUNE=Aplumthathasseenbetterdays:theboarding-houseveteranandthelandlady'spet;badlywrinkled,yetwellpreserved.

*****

=PUGILIST=Aclose-fistedpartywhoisoftenropedinbutnevergivesuptillhe'sout.

*****

=PULLMANPORTER=Alegalizedtrain-robber.

*****

=PUNCH=AweeklyobituarynoticefromLondon,chroniclingthedeathofHumor.

Nevermakeamountainoutofamole-hill--Trygold,silver,copper

orradium--there'smoreinit.

Q

Charitybeginsathome--butendswhenyoureachTheCook.


47/71

=QUACK=TheDuckfamily'sfavoritephysician.

*****

=QUAIL=

[Illustration]

v.t.,Toshrink--acharacteristicofthebirdwhenorderedinarestaurant.

*****

=QUEEN=Oneentitledtoruleanation,makeupadeck,orbeataknave.

*****

=QUESTION=Ismarriageafailure?

*****

=QUEUE=TheonlyMongolianlineconnectingAmericaandChina.

*****

=QUORUM=Aclumsyindividual,allAyesandNoes,whoisseldomonhandwhenneeded.

Faintheartneverwonfairlady--butafullpursecanalwayspullthetrick.

R

Manproposes,thenwomanimposes.

=RABBIT=Asmallrodent,verysimilartoahare,whichfeedsongrassandburrowsintheearth.=WELSHRABBIT=Morelikeastring,thrivesoncheeseandburrowsinthestomach.

*****

=RACE-TRACK=Aninterestinglocality,wherepoolsareboughtandsoldinbooksandtheheatneverinterfereswiththesearchforthePole.

*****

=RADIUM=Aradiantradiator,redolentofrangingradialraysofradio-activity,raisedtoradicalratesandregardedasaruthlessrake-offinthereignofricheswithinthearrayed


48/71

radiusofaraging,ravingandraidedrace.

*****

=RAG-TIME=Musicpulledintomanypieces--theinventionofaflannel-mouthtowhichmanyhavecottoned.

*****

=RAPIDTRANSIT=Amunicipalmyth,circulatedfortheamusementofthelongsuffering--andslowmoving--public.

*****

=REFORM=Ingeneral,aperiodicepidemic,startingwithmarkedheat,followedbyahighfever,andaccompaniedbyaflowofinkinthenewspapers,adischargeofwordsfromthefaceandarushofbloodtothepolls,leavingthevictimachronicinvaliduntilthenextcampaign.InNewYork,reformhasbeenconfinedtoaLowattemptatgovernment.

*****

=REFORMER=Onewho,whenhesmellsarat,iseagertoletthecat

outofthebag.

*****

=REGISTER=

[Illustration]

Theonlyautographalbumwhichitcostsyoumoneytowritein.

*****

=REGRETS=Anexcusefornon-attendanceatasocialfunction.

Occasionally,anexpressionofsorrow;usually,apaeanofpraiseatdeliverancefromevil.

*****

=RELATIONS=Atediouspackofpeoplewhohaven'ttheremotestknowledgeofhowtolivenorthesmallestinstinctaboutwhentodie.

*****

=RELIGION=Acloakusedbysomepersonsinthisworldwhowillbewarmenoughwithoutoneinthenext.

*****

=R.E.MORSE=AveteranGeneralwhocommandsthelargestarmyintheworld.

*****

=REPARTEE=Thesassyhabitoftalkingback.


49/71

*****

=REPUTATION=Apersonalpossession,frequentlynotdiscovereduntillost.

*****

=RESIDENCE=Arurallocalityinhabitedannually--forafewhours--byarichNewYorkerorBostonian.

*****

=RESOLUTION=AfragilebitofcrockeryfashionedonthefirstdayofJanuaryandusuallybrokenonthesecond.

*****

=RESORT=(=SUMMER=)Aplacewherethetiredgrowmoretired.FromEng._rest_,andGrk._orizo_,tolimit.Aplacewhererestislimited.

*****

=REST=AtradeinwhicheveryhoboholdsaUnionCardforlife.

*****

=RESTAURANT=Aninstitutionforthespreadofdyspepsia.FromLat._restauro_,torepair,andGrk._anti_,against.Afterpatronizing,you're"upagainstrepairs."

*****

=RHETORIC=Languageinadresssuit.

*****

=RICE=Aneffectivefield-piece,usedforassaultingChinamenorthenewly-married.

*****

=ROQUEFORT=Akindofcheesewhoseodorputsiteasilyinthefirstrank.

*****

=ROYCROFTER=Asuccessfulbook-makerontheEastAuroraturf.FromFr._roi_,king,andoldSaxon_crofter_,orgrafter.KingofGrafters.

*****

=RUMOR=Thelong-distancechampionoftheHumanRace--amonsterwithmoretalesthananoctopus.

*****

=RUST=Physicaldullness.


50/71

=RUSTIC=Mentaldullness.

Beggarsshouldneverbechoosers--thoughthebeggaroftenchewswhathebegs.

S

Amissisasgoodashersmile.

=SADDUCEE=Apersonholdingskepticalreligiousviews.Hopeless,hencesadyousee.

*****

=SAILOR=Amanwhomakeshislivingonwaterbutnevertouchesitonshore.

*****

=SANDWICH=Anunsuccessfulattempttomakebothendsmeat.

*****

=SAUSAGE=Anaftermathofthedog-days.

*****

=SCAFFOLD=Aworkofartthatrarelyfailstogetahanging.

*****

=SCARECROW=Anoperatorwhorepeatedlycornerscorn,withoutcaws.

*****

=SCORCHER=Achauffeurinanall-firedhurry.

*****

=SCULPTOR=Apoorunfortunatewhomakesfacesandbusts.

*****

=SELF-MADE=Complimentarytermforarespectablecrook.

*****

=SHAMROCK=Athree-timeloserasaraceratsea,butafour-timewinnerasan"ad."fortea--andSirT.

*****


51/71

=SHEPHERD=Onewhodependsonacrookforaliving.

*****

=SHIRT=Everyman'sbosomfriend.

*****

=SILVER=Ametallicformofopium,smokedbyPresidentialimpossibilities.

*****

=SINNER=Astupidpersonwhogetsfoundout.

*****

=SNAP=Abrisk,energeticqualitythatenablesamanwithgingertotakethecake.

*****

=SNORE=Anunfavorablereportfromheadquarters.

*****

=SOROSIS=Afemalegascompanythatlaysitspipesoncultivatedgrounds.

*****

=SPAGHETTI=Atable-disheatenonlybyItaliansandjugglers.FromLat._spadix_,branch,orfork,and_gestamen_,burden.Aburdenforthefork.

*****

=SPIDER=Abusyweaverandagoodcorrespondent,whodropsalinebyeverypost.

*****

=STARS=Thegreatestastronomersknown,havingstuddedtheheavensforages.

*****

=STAYS=Asortofstraight-jacketemployedinreformingwomen.

*****

=STOCKINGS=Woman'sonlysavingsforARainyDay.

*****

=STOCKS=Anunreliablecommodityboughtandsoldbygamblers.Ifyouwin,it'saninvestment;ifyoulose,aspeculation.

*****


52/71

=STOVE-PIPE=

[Illustration]

Amovablecylinderusedasareceptacleforsmokeandprofanity.

*****

=SPRING=FormerlyaverydelightfulseasonbutnowobsoleteexceptinpoetryandtheOldFarmer'sAlmanac.

*****

=SPINSTER=Anemberfromwhichthesparkshaveflown.

*****

=SUBWAY=InBoston,aplacewhereonemayenjoycontinuousdisturbanceofthepeace,disorderlyconduct,assaultandbattery,riotandrebellion.Theseeventsareallowedbylaw,andtheentry-feeisfivecents.

*****

=SUCCESS=Agoalusuallyreachedbythosewhoemploytheirtimeincultivatingamoredefiniteaiminliferatherthaninsearchingforalargertarget.

*****

=SUMMER=Anoppressiveandexpensiveseasoninventedbyruralcottageandhotelowners,railroadandsteamboatcompaniesandtheIceman.

*****

=SUN=AyellowarrivalfromWayDownEast,whogoeswestdaily,

operatesaheatingandlightingtrust,drawswater,printspictures,developscrops,liquidatestheicebusinessandtansskinsontheside.Profitsbyhisdailyraysandalwayshasashine.

*****

=SYMPATHY=

[Illustration]

Feelingforothers;verynoticeableinBlindMan'sBuff.

*****

=SYNDICATE=AconspiracytoextendthemodestbusinessestablishedbyCaptainKidd.

Fortuneknocksonlyonceataman'sdoor--Andshe'stheworstKnockerintheworld.


53/71

T

Brevityisthesoulofwit--andthesolecharmofofabicycleskirt.

=TAILOR=Onewhotakesyourmeasureonfirstsight,givesyouafit,sewsyouupandfollowssuituntilpaid.

*****

=TALK=Acontinuousperformanceplayingdailyandnightlyengagements,withWomanasthestarandManconfinedintheFamilyCircle.

*****

=TELEGRAM=

[Illustration]

Aformofcorrespondencesentbyamaninahurryandcarriedbyaboyinsleep.

*****

=TELEPHONE=FromEng._tell_,totalk,andGrk._phonos_,murder.Amachineinwhichtalkismurdered.

*****

=TENNIS=Agameinwhichtheparticipantsenjoyaracketonthe

sideandraisethedeuceoveranet,whilethevolleysdrivethemfromsettosetandlovescoresasoftenasit'smentioned.

*****

=TEMPER=Aquality,thelossofwhichislikelytomakeaknifebladedullandawoman'stonguesharp.

*****

=THERMOMETER=

[Illustration]

Ashort,glasstubethatregulatestheweather--andusuallydoesapoorjob.

*****

=THIRST=Asensationimmediatelyfollowingashortsessionatthefreelunchstand.


54/71

*****

=TIDE=Anoldfriendwhocomesandgoesdailybutisallinwheneverhegetsoverthebay.

*****

=TITIAN=Thecolorapoorred-headedgirl'shairbecomesassoonasherfatherstrikesoil.

*****

=TIPS=Wageswepayotherpeople'shiredhelp.

*****

=TOBACCO=Anauseatingplantthatisconsumedbybuttwocreatures;alarge,greenwormand--man.Thewormdoesn'tknowanybetter.

*****

=TONGUE=Anunrulymemberthatisfrequentlyputout,yetanartistwho'sahardworkeratthepalateandagreatwagamong

women.

*****

=TOUCH=Ahabitcommontotheimpecunious,causinginitsvictimafeelingoffaintness,followedbyachillorasenseofloss.

*****

=TRANSFER=Asmallbitofpaperofremarkablestrength,beingabletocarryaheavymanseveralmiles.

*****

=TROLLEY-CAR=Aconveyancefilledwithadvertisements,andoccasionallypassengers,andoperatedbyPoles.

*****

=TROUBLE=Somethingthatmanyarelookingforbutnoonewants.

*****

=TRUST=Asmallbodyofcapitalentirelysurroundedbywater.

*****

=TWINS=InsultaddedtoInjury.

*****

=TWISTERS=

[Illustration]

Anundesirablethingtohaveonhand.


55/71

It'sawisesonwhocangettwobirdswithOneBone.

UV

Thereisatideintheaffairsofmen,which,takenattheflood,leadsontoFortune--Butmostofuscatchourwateredstockontheebb.

=UMBRELLA=Agoodthingtoputupinashower--orpawn-shop;but,likeskating,neverseenafterLent.

*****

=UNBOSOMED=

[Illustration]

Ashirtjustreturnedfromasteamlaundry.

*****

=UNION=Anailingindividualfrequentlytroubledbyscabsandliabletostrikewithoutwarning.

*****

=UMPIRE=Nojeweler,butahighauthorityondiamonds.

*****

=USHER=Onewhotakesaleadingpartinatheatre.

=VACCINATION=Where"jabbingtheneedle"isneveravice.

*****

=VAUDEVILLE=FromLat._vaut_,goodfor,and_villageois_,countryman.Goodforcountrymen.

*****

=VERANDA=

[Illustration]

Anopen-airenclosureoftenusedasaspoon-holder.

*****


56/71

=VEST=Awaistcoatsoldathalfprice.

*****

=VIRTUE=Aqualityoftentimesassociatedwithintelligence,butrarelywithbeauty.

*****

=VULGARITY=Theconductofothers.

Arollingstonegathersnomoss--exceptatroulette.

W

Butastonyrollalwaysgathersthestonystare.

=WAITER=AnInn-experiencedservant.

*****

=WAR=Awholesalemeansofmakingheroeswhich,ifplannedinasmallway,wouldproduceonlymurderers.

*****

=WATER=Athinsubstanceappliedtostockswithwhichtosoakbuyers.

*****

=WEDDING=Atradeinwhichthebrideisgenerallygivenaway,andthegroomisoftensold.

*****

=WEEDS=Foundingardensandwidows.Forremovingeasily,marrythewidow.

*****

=WICKEDNESS=Amythinventedbygoodpeopletoaccountforthesingularattractivenessofothers.

*****

=WIDOW=Thewifeofagolferduringtheopenseason,unlessshegolfs,too.Inthateventthechildrenaregolforphans.

*****


57/71

=WHISKY=Troubleputupinliquidform.

*****

=WIND=Anaerialphenomenon,superinducedbyanephemeralagitationofthenebularstrata,wherebyair,(hotorcold),impelledintotransitoryactivity,generatesaprolongedpassagethroughspace,owingtocertainoccultetherealstimuli,andresultsinzephyrs,breezes,blows,blow-outs,blizzards,gales,simoons,hurricanes,tornadoesortyphoons.BarredfromKansasCyclone-cellarsbutfrequentlyblendedwithChicagotongue--cannedorconversational.

*****

=WOMAN=Anaspiringcreaturewhosepoliticalsphereisstillslightlyflattenedatthepolls.

*****

=WORD=Somethingyoumustkeepaftergivingittoanother.

*****

=WORRY=Astateofmindthatleadssomepersonstofear,everytimethetidegoesout,thatitwon'tcomeinagain.

*****

=WRINKLES=Amerchant'strade-marks.

It'sthefirststrawhatwhichshowshowthewindblows.

XYZ

ARidegoethbeforeaFall.--SeeAutomobile,BuckingBroncho,Bicycle,Air-Ship,Patrol-Wagon,Rail,andGo-Cart.

=XRAYS=

[Illustration]

Tendollarsfromafriend.

*****

=YARN=Anessentialinfabrication--eitherwovenornarrated.Millyarnsarehighlycolored;thosespunatseamuchmoreso.

*****


58/71

=YAWL=Eithertheshapeofaboatorthesoundofacat,butneveracat-boat.

*****

=YAWNS=Theair-breaksonasleeper.

*****

=YEAR=Aperiodoriginallyincluding365days,now325,sincetheother40areLent.

*****

=YELLOWFEVER=ApassionforreadingtheHearstnewspapers.

*****

=YOLK=Thelegacyofthehenandtheburdenofitslay.

=YOKE=Theinheritanceofthehen-peckedandtheburdenofthemarried.

*****

=YULE-LOG=AChristmasprotegeofthegrate,tooyoungtosmoke,tootoughtoburnandtoogreentowarmuptoanybody.

*****

=YOUTH=Thedynamothatmakestheworldgoround;aproductofitsowngeneration,withitswirescarryingPowerintothehighplacesofEarthandwithitscurrentsofThoughtshort-circuitedonlybybigotedOldAge.

*****

=ZEALOT=Onewholovesmoralitysowellhewillcommitcrimetomaintainit.

*****

=ZEBRA=Thecrookamonghorses,condemnedtowearstripesforlife.

*****

=ZERO=Originally,nothing;butnowmeaningagooddealonathermometerorbank-draft,andcomprisingtwo-thirdsofthe400.

*****

=ZIGZAG=Thepopularrouteafteraheavydinner.Oldadage,"Thelongestwayroundisthedrunkard'swayhome!"

*****

=ZOUAVE=


59/71

[Illustration]

TheoriginalMrs.Bloomer.

_PostageandPostalInformation_.

_HowtoMailaLetter_.

Afterwritingit,placeitinasquareoroblongenvelope--roundonesarenolongerfashionable--sealitonthebackandwritealegibleaddressonthefront;thentakeatwo-centstamp,giveitagoodlickingandretireittothecorner--theupper,right-handcorner,ontheoutside--neverinside,asthepostmasterisnotaclairvoyant.Dropitinaletter-boxandtrusttoluck.Ifit'saloveletter,itwillprobablyreachherallright,forCupidisafaithfulpostmanandcarriesastoutpairofwings.Ifit'sabill,byallmeanshaveitregistered;otherwise,yourdebtorwillswearhenevergotit.Ifit'scashforyourtailor,heedthepost-officewarning,"Don'tsendmoneythroughthemails."Waituntilyouhappentomeethimonthestreet.Ifheseesyoufirst,youlose.

=First-classMatter.=

Anythingyouareashamedtohavethepostmasterorpostmistressread,andthereforesealup,isknownasfirst-classmatter.Also,postalcards,whereyou'reonlyallowedtoargueononeside.Ifyouthinkyourlettershouldtravelslowly,investtencentsinaSpecialDeliveryStamp.Thiswillinsureanice,leisurelyjourney,lastingfromonetotwodayslongerthanbythecheaptwo-centroute.

=Second-classMatter.=

ThisclasswasoriginatedforthebenefitofPatentMedicineMixers,whoprintcircularson"WhatAilsYou"fourtimesayear,andpepperthelandwith"Before-and-after-taking"caricatures,attherateofonecentapound.

=Third-classMatter.=

Whilethequacknostrumstravelsecond-classforonecentapound,books,engravings,manuscriptcopy,andworksofarthavetogothird-classandaretaxedonecentforeverytwoounces.Theymust

alsobeleftopenforinspection,thusaffordingthepost-officeemployeeafleetingacquaintancewithsomethingreallyuseful.

=Fourth-classMatter.=

Everythingnotincludedintheabove,exceptpoisons,explosives,liveanimals,insects,inflammablearticles,andthingsgivingoffabadodor.Thelasttwodonotinclude_ThePoliceGazette_or_ThePhilistine_.


60/71

_AFewMythologicalandClassicalNames._

_BroughtdowntodateinbriefNotesbytheEditor._

ACHILLES.AcourageousGreek,whodidageneralslaughteringbusinessinTroyin1180B.C.,butwasfinallypinkedintheheel--hisonlyvulnerablespot--anddied.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Longlifeoftendependsonbeingwellheeled.=

*****

ADONIS.Abeautifulyouth,belovedbyVenusandkilledbyaboar.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Boreshavebeenthedeathofuseversince.=

*****

BACCHUS.Abrewer,whosuppliedtheGodswithnectar,thebeerthatmadeOlympusfamous.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Thosedesiringadrink,pleaseaskDickensif"Bacchusiswillin'."=

*****

CASTORANDPOLLUX.TwocleversportsandtwinbrothersfromGreece,Castorbeingahorse-trainerandPolluxapugilist,whosesister,Helen,arespectable,marriedwoman,disgracedthefamilybyelopingwithParis.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Justbecauseamancanbreakabronchoorwinaprizefight,it'snosignhecanmanageawoman.=

*****

CERBERUS.Adogwiththreeheads,aserpent'stailandseveral

snakesaroundhisneck,whoguardedthemainentrancetoHades.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Whenamanbeginstoseesnakesandoneheadlookslikethree,it'sacinchhe'snotfarfromHell.=

*****

CHARON.ThegloomygondolieroftheStyx,whocarriedthedeadto


61/71

theOtherWorld--iftheypaidhimfirst.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Andevento-day,hewhopatronizesRapidTransitmustpayhisfareinadvance.=

*****

CUPID.ThesonofVenusandtheGodofLove,whowithbowandarrowspuncturedmen'sbosomswiththedartsofadmiration.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Butnow-a-daysthearrow'snotinitwithasnugbathingsuitoradecollettegown.=

*****

DAEDALUS.TheoriginalSantosDumont,whoinventedandsuccessfullyoperatedaflying-machinethatwouldfly.Hisson,Icarus,triedthetrick,wenttoohighandfellintothesea.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Aflierfrequentlyprecedesafall--especiallyinWallStreet.=

*****

DIANA.Thegoddessofthechase;unmarried.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Andthisisveryfitting.Maythechasealwaysbefortheunmarriedonly!=

*****

HERCULES.TheGrittyGreek(norelationtotheTerribleTurk),anindependentlaborer,whoalwayshadagoodjobawaitinghim.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Itisinterestingtorecallthedayswhennon-unionlaborhadalltheworkitwanted.=

*****

IXION.AkingofThessaly,whoforhissinswasbrokenonawheel.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Andmenhavebeengoingbrokeon"thewheel"eversince.=

*****

LOTUSEATERS.Agangofancientvegetarians,whochewedleavesandwenttosleep.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*


62/71

=NowsucceededbyaclubofNewYorkers,whochewtheragandkeepawake.=

*****

MERCURY.Acelestialmessenger-boy,whoworewingsonhisshoesandknewhow"togetthere"inahurry.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Nowtheyallwearhobbles,andneverexceedthespeedlimitinapublicthoroughfare.=

*****

MIDAS.AGreekking,whohadthepowerofturningintogoldallthathetouched.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=That'snothing!Thereareplentyofmento-daywhoalwaysgetgoldwhoevertheytouch.=

*****

SAPPHO.Alove-lornpoetess,who,failingtowinthemanshefirstloved,curedherselfbyjumpingintotheMediterranean.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Sheprobablyactedontheoldadvice,"There'splentymorefishinthesea!"=

*****

TANTALUS.Aproudking,whosufferedinHadestheagoniesofhunger

andthirst,withfoodanddrinkalwaysinsight,butalwaysbeyondreach.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Hereonearth,the50-centtabled'hoteaccomplishesthesameresult--besidescostingyouthefifty.=

*****

TROY.Anancient,orientalcity,whichtookinawoodenhorseandsawthedomesticfinishofHelenandParis.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=DonotconfusewithTroy,N.Y.,wheretheyonlytakeinwashingandprovideadomesticfinishforcollarsandshirts.=

*****

VULCAN.TheOlympianblacksmith,whoalwayshadhishammerwithhim.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*


63/71

=Butnotallwhocarryhammersareblacksmiths.=

_LegalandLocalHolidaysintheUnitedStates._

=JANUARY1,NewYear'sDay.=OnthisdaytheFlowingBowlisfilled--andemptied--andtheGenialPalmcirculatedinforty-threeStatesandTerritoriesoutofforty-nine.InMassachusetts,NewHampshire,RhodeIsland,Arkansas,OklahomaandtheIndianTerritorythereisnocelebration.Thenativesaretoobusycollectinggoodresolutionsandbadbills.

*****

=FEBRUARY22,Washington'sBirthday.=(George,notBooker),isrememberedbythirty-eightoftheStates.Onthisday,inthepublicschools,areshownpicturesofGeorgeChoppingtheCherryTreeandBreakingUptheDelawareIceTrust,ValleyForgeinWinter,andMt.VernononaBusyDay.ThePrideoftheClassrecitesWashington's"FarewelltotheArmy,"MinnietheSpielerbelaborsthepianowith

the"WashingtonPostMarch,"andthescholarsalleatWashingtonPie,madeof"Columbia,theJamoftheOcean."

*****

=MARCH17,St.Patrick'sDayandEvacuationDay=,whentheBritishredcoatsgotoutofBostonandPatrickevictedthesnakesfromIreland.Forobservingtheday,wearaturkey-redcoat,orvest,andputabitofgreenribbon,orashamrock,inthebuttonhole--thegreenabovethered.OnEasterday,wearascrambledegginthesameplace.

*****

=APRIL19,Patriot'sDay.=ANewEnglandsuccessortoFASTDAY--theslowestdayoftheyear.OriginallyinventedforFastingandPrayer.NowusedexclusivelyforopeningtheBaseballSeason,LocatingaSeashoreHomefortheSummer,andwatchingRed-ShirtedDiogenesathisTub.

Littledropsofwater,Littlelinesofhose,MakethemightyMusterAsev'ryLaddieknows.

*****

=MAY1,MovingDay.=ObservedeverywherebyTheRestlessTenant.

*****

=APRIL26=}{=In"Dixie"==MAY30=}=MemorialDays={=IntheNorth=

ASymphonyinBlueandGray.


64/71

*****

=JUNE17,BunkerHillDay.=CelebratedinBoston,Mass.,byaprocessionoftheAncientandHorribleDistilleryCompany,afewoftheCityFathersinhacks,apickedbunchofNavyYardsailorsandoccasionallyafewsamplesfromaWildWestShow.For24hours,pistolsandfirecrackersareallowedtomutilateYoungAmerica_adlib_.

*****

=JULY4,IndependenceDay.=Anationalholiday,inventedforthebenefitofpopcornandpeanutpromoters;tinhornandtoy-balloonvendors;lemonadechemists;dealersinexplosives;physiciansandsurgeons.Agrandchanceforthecitizen-soldiertoheartheroarofbattle,smellpowder,shoottheneighbor'scat,andloseanight'srest--orafinger.

*****

=LABORDAY,FirstMondayinSeptember.=Theonlydaywhenlaborworksovertime.Anoccasionwhentheworkingmantakesacaneinplaceofadinner-pailandproudlytrampsthestreetsbehindarealsilkbannerandaHodCarrieronaCartHorse.

*****

=THANKSGIVINGDAY(LastThursdayinNovember).=AdaydevotedtotheannualdivisionofTurkey--withGreeceontheside--bytheHung'ryfolks.

*****

=DECEMBER25,ChristmasDay.=Anothernationalholiday,markedbythefollowingobservances:FillingtheyoungandhelplesswithalotoffictionaboutSantaClaus,theoldchimneyfakir,whowentupthefluelongago;makingaclotheslineofthemantelpieceandrobbing

theforestofitsyoung;swappingseveralthingswe'dliketokeepforalotofstuffwedon'twant;and,finally,puttingoninchurchaSundaynightperformanceoflightopera,knownas"TheSabbathSchoolConcert."

*****

+-----------------------------------------------------------+|Typographicalerrorscorrectedintext:||||Inthemaindictionarysection:||underANCESTORS:parodoxcorrectedtoparadox||sectiontitleAUTOMBILISTcorrectedtoAUTOMOBILIST|

|underBABY:nocturalcorrectedtonocturnal||underDANCE:physicialcorrectedtophysical||underENTHUSIAST:belivescorrectedtobelieves||sectiontitlePHILOSPHERcorrectedtoPHILOSOPHER||underPIANO:freguentlycorrectedtofrequently||underSADDUCEE:religouscorrectedtoreligious||underSTOVE-PIPE:recepatclecorrectedtoreceptacle||underSUN:developescorrectedtodevelops||underWAR:planedcorrectedtoplanned|||


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|Inthesectionafterthedictionary:||sectiontitleCASTORANDPOLLOXcorrectedto||CASTORANDPOLLUX|||+-----------------------------------------------------------+

*****

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