Profane Exegesis: Intro

8/14/2019 Profane Exegesis: Intro

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Autobiographical Reflections and Fragments From a Future dimension, or,

I see you baby, shaking that ass. (repeated refrain in TV ad)

300 years later (not really). Ive mislaid the latest attempt on anautobiographical novel. And may have ruined the floppy or as near as. So as soonas I find it Ill try and transfer it to this one. I took the title from Philip KDicks use of the term for his own Exegesis, but as usual, I tend to feel its abit pretentious to apply it to myself. And I dont want to give the wrongimpression. I intend to write about everything under, behind and beyond the sun,in the best possible sense. So on the other hand neither do I want to underplayits intentions. Im old enough not to be writing shit now. What I mean is Ivedeveloped the ability to focus on what interests me and so at best, it wont boreme to tears on reading it back. And I do so miss rarely being able to read anyback of what I write. It almost negates the purpose of it or it would if itwasnt for the fact Ive felt it has its benefits; and this is the problem withautobiographical writing my abortive attempts at it.Before I get into this if I do, Ill follow another train of thought as itsrelated. The thought of Colin Wilson came to mind. Nothing-unusual there.Neither is my example, except for my possibly idiosyncratic way of looking at

things. Its hard at times to believe we live in the same world, use the sameprocesses of communication; use the same formats, the same language, and similarthought processes for the most part. And unlike mine, or me, he seems to havelittle problem in bringing it all into 'reality' if you like; the public domain.It expresses something important for me, not least the deep frustration inherentin the situation. And that is, that I wouldnt be satisfied with Wilsons versionof reality. His 'take' on it. His interpretation/s of it. I genuinely feel hessomehow profoundly missing the point of it all. This is a conviction thats comemore clearly into focus over the years. It grew from a sneaking awareness if youlike, little clues and connections that grew in significance and frequency.I suppose I could say the paradox, the rather painful irony is that its broughtme no further forward to any real solution of my own so to say, not least gettinga writing career on the go for real and to make a living and escape from this

oblivion of obscurity and dealing with fools. Precisely the reason he writes oran important part of it. But this doesnt mean there is no solution or its norworth pursuing, or even that Im on the wrong track; that it might not be worth itbecause theres nothing to it or Wilson wouldve covered it in his own way. Or toput it another way, there are whole areas of the egos world and thought-systemthat hes missing or avoiding. Behaving as if it doesnt exist, or at least thatits relatively unimportant as ACIM is unimportant, inconsequential. Or thedirection PKD went in his later years, though the indications were always there Ithink. His questioning of reality, the belief that the world might be anillusion; the whole phenomenal universe a kind of cosmic joke. He was right, butit seems he never fully realized if at all that its a joke were playing onourselves.

This gets to the heart of the matter in its way and just to jump to theconclusion in advance, which saves anyone from assuming I have no idea where Imgoing with this. Its describing the journey there thats proving problematic.It Also seems clear CW has been going in this direction for years, possiblystemming from his early vastation experience then the more positive experience hehad after going through a period of intense frustration when he ratherdramatically decided on ending it all by drinking a vial of hydrochloric acid inthe science lab. Post schooldays. He comes back to it in his later autobiog.Since then, or during it, its obvious enough he came to see the world as a kindof illusion, as is time. He says as much in Dreaming To Some Purpose.In short, he comes to the same conclusion as is described in ACIM. The profoundly


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spiritual and psychological text he as good as trashed in the Postscript to anearlier book from the eighties, named Afterlife. I read it at the time as I didanything I could get my hands on by him. Through that book I came to read KennethRings 'Omega' books. CW has still to state it in such categorical terms as theCourse. That the world is a projection of the mind as is the whole phenomenaluniverse, made by us as a means to exclude God from our minds, reflecting our fearand hatred of Him, all projection of course, attributing to him the view we haveof Him ourselves. So the world was made to hide from God and is an attack on God

and therefore on our real selves as Christ. I think PKD would have been moresympathetic to this. CW has a big problem with Jesus/Christ in pretty much anyform, Ive come to realize, and this has some problematic and disturbing aspects,not least as described in Lynne Picknett and Clive Princes The StargateConspiracy, though not overtly for the reason/s Ive just mentioned.But the quasi-religious aspect comes into the story/book, which they say is a darkCrowley inspired religion sneaking its way in through the back door if you like.There is a definite and hidden agenda behind the supposed impartiality on thesubject, easily exposed in their hostility to the Course, and equally, Ken CareysThird Millennium, itself a Christian text, more in the ostensibly New Agecategory, yet well above the usual new age fare, and anathema to thefundamentalists., whether religiously or scientifically inclined. Both onlydifferent sides of the same coin, each colluding with the other to disparage and

destroy the influence of the Course and Carey and anyone who might influenceothers in their direction. The Course itself, as Wapnick pointed out, is wellbeyond anything the new age has to offer. And for this reason, everyfundamentalist converges on it. Its anathema to them, as they perceive it as athreat to their cherished individuality and so to their very existence. Again, Ithink this would fascinate Dick. Its interesting I thought of coming back toDick. Its reminded me again of a train of thought I had shortly before, thoughthis has crossed my mind often over the years and increasingly so, but not to makea huge deal of it.Dick died in 82, the year of my mystical experience. By Wapnicks description, apersonal experience of the Second Coming. And I can well believe it. And I dontdoubt Dick came to much the same conclusion about his 'Valis' experiences in 74,as he describes in Valis and the posthumously published Radio Free Albemuth. And

his Exegesis. I was 23 at the time of my own experience, and Dick was 54 when hedied.(?) I'm probably innacurate. By the time 2012 comes around, December 21 tobe precise, Ill be 54. Or will I. Im 48 now and my birthdate is 20thDecember, the same date as Uri Gellers, and he had some odd experiences.Interestingly, Careys channellers state that the actual date is Dec 21, 2011.They make no reference to 2012. Neither do the enthusiasts of 2012, such as GeoffStray or John Major Jenkins mention the Carey material as far as I know, but thenIve yet to read their recent books on the subject. (GF discusses it but tends todimiss due to its emphasis on 2011) Anyhoo, Ill be 49 this Dec, then 50 in 2008,51 in 2009, 52 in 2010, 53 in 2011 and 54 in 2012. One day before the MayanCalendar end date of Dec 21, 2012. Unless its 2011.I believe that on higher levels of being we all converge into the same being,meaning the same self; the one Self. And in the maze and morass of existence -

Dicks A Maze of Death if you like the title of one of is novels, or the blackiron prison of the Gnosticsthe objective is a way to find a way through it,through a sense of meaning and purpose. I think Wilson would agree with that muchat least.

I recall once reading in the Fortean Times from years back about someone come tothink on it, I think it was Robert Anton Wilson who felt he was in touch withPKD through dreams. A possibility that did cross my mind, perhaps due to thatvery interview, and again, I dont see it in the usual simplistic interpretationof some 'disembodied' entity directly influencing me in some way in an objectivelyreal world. Were talking about a radically different interpretation of reality


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here, so its not likely Im about to look upon it in such dualistic terms. Whichon the face of it, would seem to posit theres no need bring the personality ofDick into it in any sense and I suppose thats true, or at least theres somethingto be said for it, though its surely an excellent scenario for a novel. So farout as to be only fit for a novel.On the other hand, I dont doubt Jesus, as the Christ and our true Self, isnothing to do with his corporeal self as experienced by himself and others inhistory, though some would deny even that. He 'waits' at the end of time, and yet

somehow has an overview of the whole situation through the Holy Spirit. Explainthat one. It cant be understood in linear terms, but is no less true for that.Its the world thats the lie. Everyday consciousness is a liar, CW saidsomewhere. Possibly in The New Existentialism.Dicks real self is a part of the Holy SpiritS, the Christ. It would be throughthem then, or one or the other that true communication would happen and does.Assuming it to be Dick in some sense might be a way I feel more comfortable withthe notion. And a way to relate the fundamentally non-dualistic and non-specificinto terms the world, and not least myself as I say, can understand on a moreeveryday and dualistic level. From the macrocosmic to the microcosmic then.Microcomic some might say. Quasimacromegalomaniacal. You heard it here first.The holy spirit corrects the world of dreams, ACIM states. That would also meanthis world then, as the whole world is nothing more than a collective dream. But

all this is getting well ahead of myself, no pun intended. I could take the viewthat a part of the story, and Dicks story, itself a part of the overall story,continues through me, and anyone in sympathetic resonance to such radicalpsychological and metaphysical themes.Radical because the ego-mind experiences such ideas as intensely threatening asthey spell the end if its existence. This is what the Second Coming of Christ isabout after all. And each moment of true forgiveness, again not to be understoodin linear terms, brings us all closer to the end of time, where Jesus waitspatiently, certain in the knowledge that the goal will be reached, as it alreadyhas, by all of us, back in a past so distant we have no memory of it, and yet, thegoal itself is an illusion as it never happened in reality, and so never will,except that stuck in our dualistic and linear based thinking and experience ofindividuality, we believe time is objectively real. Call it an occupational

hazard. Of believing were in the driving seat without God. God Is My Co-pilot.Ideally.

The petty interferences in life carry on; doesnt the Course go into this at thebeginning of Chapter 12? Must check. Ive been neglecting the Course for a whilenow. I keep going back to Wapnick, though in the morass of my books scattered inthe bedroom, I realised I had Careys Return of the Bird Tribes sitting on thewindow space along with the rest of the selected bunch. The weird part is itsdated from Oct/Nov 93 and thats the first and last time I read it, so I thoughtId better rectify that as soon as I can, reading the first few chapters thenmislaying it a again- I stopped to finish off Robert Charles Wilsons ThePerseids, a collection of loosely interrelated stories, and I see this as thebeginnings of a solution to how to tackle a bunch of eclectic ideas, if Ill steer

clear of autobiog; but anywaySo Bird Tribes was quite the revelation after all these years. And its remindedme I had Careys Third Millennium back in 1990 or 91, because I read that firstand that was before coming across the Course. Now I can put BT into a betterperspective, appreciate it even more I mean. As for any more questions of non-dualism, I dont see the point of trying to fathom it any more. I do have sometrouble with statements such as our bodies were designed with this specificpurpose in mind, etc.- compared to the Courses the body was made as an attackon God, and all the rest. But the psychology seems so subtle its impossible toassume it isnt saying the same things in others ways. And there is such aresonant style of expression and thought, I tend to read them on much the same


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level and some of the parallels are unmistakable. In short, I just cant see howit in the end, would be little more than a pile of BS.And there are far deeper personal resonances which Ill get around to writing formyself again, to be presented as a kind of fiction, though God knows why no-oneelse seems to be saying this, though it has been touched on in discussion groupsby others. Specifically the Afterward of BT. The book has been reissued Inoticed recently, so if you dont have it, and can get it you wont regret it. Itreally is something else and Id forgotten it goes into some different areas from

TM, though its initial focus is the injuns - er, Native Americans (Injuns! Quick corral the wagons, fromm a circle! (Gary Larson cartoon).Interesting to see a short news report on BBC News late on the fact that themajority of the neocons in the Bush administration believe that these are the endtimes, and how this affects the situation in the middle east, for all their avowedimpartiality towards Lebanon (Captain Beefheart vid is on MTV at the moment. Heand his band playing out in the desert intercut with shots of them holding hisabstract paintings- which are a bit monotone), when they believe actual physicalevents, pro Israel, centred on the Dome on the Rock of course, will hasten theSecond Coming of Jesus - as fundamentalists and secularists and news speakers-tend to call it. What Wapnick describes as level confusion. A belief in a kindof divine Feng Shui - my analogy. Psuedoquasi-cosmic. A bunch of cults.Theres also been a spate of interrelated progs on the subject in general on the

History Channel when they give you a break from The Da Vinci Code. But itsapproached in all seriousness, from interviews with the usual selection of hickdrawling fat fuck fundamentalists who believe theyll be sitting back comfortablyonlooking the grim fate of the deserved sinners, (Im reminded of The River ofLife section in Careys TM, near the end of the book) as well as more credible NewAger's like John Hogue. I have one or two of his books, and Ive just remindedmyself one is on prophecies and I should pull it out. The other is probably onNostradamus. I really must go and see Superman Returns. Or the Second Coming ofSuperman.Maybe they should have called it that. When I begin to feel discouraged I justthink of the Mayans and their carving of the stone into their calendar; of a date when the hell was their demise? 800AD? A date into the far flung future forthem, and here we are finally in 2006, soon to be 2007, and I only need to think

of it and I feel cheerful again. Sometimes I forget, and then I think, oh yeah,2012. Or December 21, 2011. You have to wonder why the date of the Careychannellings is ignored. So Ill be expectant both times. Not exactly grittingmy teeth, but slightly, em, tense. Just in case. Maybe Ill just climb to thetop of Arthurs Seat by myself. Maybe Ill be out of the country for once. Or inthe library/Council dungeons. It would be good to be at a football match say - orabout to get your head kicked in. Id settle for getting magically slimmer andsome teeth growing back and my eyesight suddenly 20/20. And no more piles in anyshape or form - anywhere on my body. But Ill probably be on the Internet, orjust beforehand. If Im not hit by a bus. I walked into a bike for the first timeever the other day. His arm thumped into my stomach, but no contact with the bikefortunately. But it was pretty painful. Just outside the Cameo Cinema in Tolcross.

That reminds me, I went to see Atomised.. I bought it a while back, but decided toread it when I saw there was a film based on it. Michel Houellebecqec. A realshocker and brilliantly funny at times. And brilliant. Hed been on BBC4 oncable, after the fundamentalists of Moslem persuasion brought a fatwa on him forhis remarks on their religion. His wife or partner cracked up under the pressureand had to spend time in a mental hospital. Maybe she just felt safer there.

I recall reading an obituary of Dick in a music paper at the time. It might havebeen Sounds. Equally, it may have been the NME. I sat and read it in a caf atthe top of the High Street/Royal Mile, facing the church whose name I cantrecall. A pleasant sunny day as I recall. Now its typical tartan gift shop and


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has been for years. It was a great spot for a caf. Something I took for grantedat the time, as one tends to do. Great because you can watch all the touristsand the rest going by without feeling overwhelmed by it all. I cant recall anyspecifics of the piece or who wrote it, and neither had I ever got around toreading any Dick. I was big on CW. But he certainly sounded interesting.Yet another interesting, possibly great mind I would have to explore at some pointin the future. The future was open; I had my whole life before me and wasnt Iaware of it. The paradox was it already seemed too short. I was quite adept at

wasting my days, torn between the wish to explore the world of ideas at length andthen there was the problem of what I would do with my life. That seemed as good aplan and vocation as any. It was time that concerned me and how I should spendit. And as my life was made up of moments in time it was my life I was concernedwith. There was no necessity to work, so that wasnt really a problem but thesense of torment was no less intense for all that.It at least gave me the means to contemplate it to my hearts content. It alsoraised the possibility that if I had all the time in the world to mull it over Iwould spend all my time mulling it over and not doing anything concrete about it,such as getting it down in some practical sense and ideally, make some kind ofliving of sorts from it, as well as the fact it could be of interest to others,and of course, establish myself as a mind to be reckoned with. Ego is alwaysthere somewhere along the line and it cant be denied, so why try.

The fact was, I was a mass of contradictions. Oddly consistent in my outlook, butit was the world itself and all it might offer that complicated matters. When Iwasnt mulling in fear and dread over my possible future or fear and loathing overaspects of the present, I was in fear and dread of following my apparent destinyand long held dreams and aspirations to rock stardomor pop obscurity. And thishad little in common that I could see, with my literary interests and emotionalconflicts. It was impossible to step outside the situation and see itobjectively. Each goal seemed to be separate from and contradict the other. Iwrote about this at some length and breakneck speed just last night before I wentto bed, and felt Id gained some real perspective on it. As its literallyillegible it might be a good idea to reiterate the gist of it here if Im capableof such a feat.Its also where aspects of my life parallel CWs if loosely, and not publicly of

course. It might also illustrate the radically different direction Ive went inor conclusions came to, though they converge in the end as Im sure hes aware of;this was where the section in The Craft of the Novel came in his discussion ofhigh flyers. Writers who are concerned with the processes of mans evolution,though not necessarily overtly. All spokes converge at the hub. Retirn of TheBird Tribes. Ken Carey. And so it goes. Wilson just doesnt see any need forChrist in the equation, unaware or in denial of his reality as in and of being apart of Christ as we all are. Not to put too fine a point on it. But he doesbelieve in the Self.I also want to record it for the sake of posterity if you like and my ego. As Idecided through my writing last night that Im going to stop fighting myself overthe subject as a whole and accept it cant really be told in the way Id prefer,not comfortably at least and as a novel, then I may as well end that obvious

conflict as I say, by accepting and settling for getting it down in private. Thepoint is to write in any case. That way I wont feel Im wasting the best of me;the essence of myself. Though that only raises the question as to who and what webelieve we are and as my thoughts seems to be immersed indelibly with the past alltoo often I have to question the reality of them and that aspect of myself thatoften feels its impossible to escape it. And yet theres that other aspect thatknows the whole thing is inherently unreal.But where does that leave me. I still have to have something to write about ifIm going to write. But thats never been a problem. The problem had been whatnot to write about and how to put it. Or not to put it. What to leave out. Whatto see as unimportant. Fundamentally unreal even. A difficult prospect. And why


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would I feel the need to go over the unreal to get to the real. Do I have tocover it all? I dont think I do. On the other hand, its crucial to bring anypsych gaps and denial to the light of consciousness; in concert with the HS. Thesense of isolation comes from feeling we are on our own.

But I think it is important to go over certain aspects. And it cant be donepublicly in any form that occurs to me; not so specifically. I feel a sense offreedom in knowing Im writing to myself. Theres deep distrust of the world and

myself. But I think its a valid distrust of the world and its potential reactionto me; the false persona that is being described through my writing in the goal toreach the real me and the real all of us. The world is interested in hiding, notreality. And it confuses illusion with reality and reality with illusion and usesunforgiveness and denial and projection and distortion and all the rest for thispurpose. The world 'persecutes and kills its prophets.I wouldnt go that far about myself. But anyone who is bringing the radicalmessage that the world and who we think we are is based on a fallacy needs to becautious. Its goal the worlds - is unforgiveness, to keep the separation fromGod going. It lives in fear of itself, projecting its unforgiveness of itself onto deserving others, so it can see itself as the innocent victim, whileconcealing its true motivation, yet constantly expressing its hatred in covertaggression as well as the more blatant forms. Lets face it, the world is a

lunatic. A mentalist, in the currently comedic vernacular; tonto, to use MartinAmis choice term. The world is full of it. But really, its nothing. Thatswhat it fears to learn most of all. Now its full of its own importance, seeingitself as the policers of itself with selected others, often wholly subjectivelydue to projection of course, as potential or actual enemies. It takes itself veryseriously indeed. And is suspicious of anyone who indicates they dont share thesame orientation and thought-system. Roll on the SC. Otherwise theyll roll overeveryone like a steamroller as they are doing now or in the process of. Imagineif the world got its way completely. It would be some form of them and us as withthe Nazis and the Jews. Some extreme, polarized situation. The haves/have moresand the have very little if they can help it.911 is now an excuse for specialness, for selective hatred. A means to furtherthe separation from self and Self and God. It becomes a narcissists world. A

psychopaths' world. And Dick saw it all coming, as did George Orwell of course.If he were alive now he would be living his actual predictions. So why shouldanyone assume heDickwould be wrong about the Second Coming? Its easier toaccept the status quo as the norm, however overtly totalitarian and fascistic itbecomes. Better to live in fear and denial and the delusion of illusory powerthan embrace your real Self. Better to shrink back in fear when it comes rushingto meet us again, perhaps in 2011/12. But I digress.

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Profane Exegesis: Intro