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quotes: unknownA cat that's been dipped in formaldehyde is much different from an undipped cat.
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A closed mouth gathers no feet.
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A Conservative is a liberal that's been mugged. A Libertarian is a Conservative that's been audited.
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A friend who used to work at a 'research lab' related a story about a customer support line at 'company x'. The support person said something on the order of "You're not our only customer, you know," to which the reply was, "Perhaps not, but we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
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A layman knows he has to kick it; An amateur knows where to kick it; A professional knows how hard.
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A little nonsense, now and then, is relished by the wisest men.
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A planet is a nice thing spoiled by a sparse population of Dominoes Delivery Men.
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A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
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A pre-emptive retaliatory strike: get them back before they get you in the first place.
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Academic training was instrumental. You have to understand the language of society before you can start stretching and subverting it and ripping and tearing it and burning it and watching the plastic drip on the ants.
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Acid is like a woman -- a good one'll eat right through your pants.
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Altoids used to clear my sinuses, so I bought a box and ate 15 of them or so, all at once. Result: the usual pain everywhere but in my sinuses. I take this as a bad sign. I imagine my sinuses are basically "filled to the Rim with Brim" except it's not Brim; it's like solid snot.
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An engineer is a person who passes as an exciting technical expert on the basis of being able to turn out with prolific fortitude, infinite strings of incomprehensive estimates calculated with microscopic precision from vague assumptions and debatable figures taken from inconclusive data obtained with recording devices of problematical accuracy by uninformed persons of doubtful reliability and questionable mentality.
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And God said, "Let there be vodka!" And He saw that it was good. Then God said, "Let there be light!" And then He said, "Whoa - too much light."
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Anime is better than bunraku because it is much shorter and has a snappy rock soundtrack
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Art is anything you can get away with.
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At the rate we're going, hell may freeze before our next release.
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Because of a new government ban on chlorofluorocarbons, the US Air Force is to refit all its nuclear missiles with new cooling systems which don't use CFCs. This is to protect the environment while they wait to deliver terminal global warming. The Environmental Protection Agency concedes that it may be 'ironic' to make nuclear missiles more eco-friendly, but regulations are regulations.
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Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick it once and you suck forever.
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Business is like riding a bicycle -- either you keep moving or you fall down.
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Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.
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Cats seem to live by the opinion that it never hurts to ask for what you want.
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Choose your enemies carefully. Sooner or later you begin to look like them.
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Civilization doesn't give out, it gives in. In a society where anything goes, eventually everything will.
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Computers help us do stupid things faster.
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congratulations! you are the first person to crash my new computer. you have won a stream of obscenities.
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Consulting is like dating - you smile a lot, you pretend to enjoy yourself, and wait for someone to call you back.
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Cryptic or stupid. You decide.
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Dallas,TX: Where we shoot Presidents and shoot people who shoot Presidents.
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Dammit, we just sprayed for goths last week!
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Due to the aids epedemic it is no longer company policy to suck up or kiss the boss's ass.
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Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway
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effective immediately, my email address will change from [[email protected]] to [[email protected]]. This may mean nothing or absolutely nothing to you depending on which of the people I sent this to are recieveing it. If it does mean something to you, please don't write to my old email address or bad things may happen to you and you family. For example, two months ago an egyptian archeologist in egypt mailed my old email address and was later found to be dead from mosquito bites. His wife and kids lived happily ever after. Another man in peru mailed my old email address before he went on an expedition to that incan city I forget it's name. He broke his leg. He came back and mailed my correct address and three weeks later his leg was mysteriously healed and he discovered a new incan city just two miles from his home. this is NOT a chain letter, please do not send it to anyone.
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Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say.
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Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
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First, God created Man. Then He rested. Then, God created Woman, and nobody's rested since.
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First, there was nothing. Then it exploded.
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France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping.
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Give a hungry man a fish and you have fed him for a day, but give him a case of dynamite and soon the entire village will be showered with mud and water and hard-to-identify little chunks of fish.
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He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
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Here in the states we support the right to arm bears. It says so in the Fourth Amendment of our Constitution.
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Hmmm. 10 years ago I was hacking MCI, now they're giving me free accounts. I must be getting old or something.
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I am an honest businessman. An investor. A farmer. A winemaker. (That's one of mine you are drinking now, by the way. Do you like it?). A philosopher. And, oh, yes, a very highly-paid assassin.
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I believe God gave me a limited number of words to use in my lifetime. When I say all I have to say, I will then die. Therefore, I will not waste any of my precious words yelling and arguing with you.
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I do not 'work'. I have people who pay me to do my hobbies in a timely fashion.
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I don't hate falling in love so much as knowing that every fall ends in a sudden stop, and the stop is usually very painful.
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I don't hate women... I just tend to get confused and stepped on by them... that is why i said I should join a monastery...I figure they could at least protect me...of course with my luck, as soon as I joined they would start having mixers with some convent of hot nuns.
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I don't want life to resemble art. I want life to BE art.
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I find it hard to sit still in one spot, and impossible to sit still in two spots.
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I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it any time!
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I have found that it is much easier to fake an orgasm than to pretend to like basketball.
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I have looked into the abyss, and the abyss looked also back into me. Neither of us liked what we saw.
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I haven't lost my mind; it's just backed up on tape somewhere!
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I know WINDOWS, boy. DOS AND WINDOWS. I can scavenge API calls with the best of them, and remap your drives to the toaster in your kitchen.
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I like being intriguing. Most people aren't. And sometimes I THINK people are intriguing, and then I get to know them and they just turn out to be weird. Oh, well.
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I see these kids today, in their black satanic t-shirts, and I think "What are you doing?? You didn't grow up in the 80's. I thought we were gonna get NUKED! What's YOUR excuse?"
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I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
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I should be reading for my Buddhism class right now, but I figure Buddhism is one of those subjects that is best contemplated, not studied.
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I think his religion is Discordian. However, I think that that is a joke.
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I think, therefore I'm single.
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If 99% is good enough, then gravity will not work for 14 mins every day.
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if you have an ax, every problem looks like fun
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I'm working on putting my best songs in mp3-format so I can use my computer as an expensive stereo.
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In a world without fences, who needs Gates?
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In order to truly understand 'Mankind', it is first necessary to look at the the two words from which it was formed: 'Mank' and 'ind'.... It's a total mystery.
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In the Internet Service Provider craze, there is only one thing that is important. One thing that is more important than family, friends, or the fact that you've just pushed your mother into a pit with Yog Sohoth, Demon Lord of all that is Unholy. And that one thing is porn.
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It is not without reason that I am being unreasonable.
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It's good to eat. It's good to laugh. But try to both at the same time and you'll pay through the nose.
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It's only funny until someone loses an arm or leg. Then it's hilarious.
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Jeffrey Dahmer: Because a sandwich is a sandwich, but a manwich is a meal.
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Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
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Keep your friends close, & your enemies closer.
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Ken has an automobile which he designd. Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas guage, nor any of the idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes a mistake, a giant "WTF?" lights up in the center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", Ken says, "will usually know what's wrong."
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Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
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Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
-unknown, open letter to Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Life is uncertain - eat dessert first
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life's too short to spend one-seventh of it on monday.
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Manchester is probably the only city on Earth where a bomb could go off and do billions of pounds worth of improvement.
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Money sucks, and people suck, and the world sucks, let's go dye our hair.
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Moral principles can never be compromised; they can only be abandoned.
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My nephew wants to be an abstract artist, so I got him a 'paint-by-irrational-number' kit.
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Nerds tend to have miserable adolescences and they grow up to inherit the earth.
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No, no, no,. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed.
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Nobody expects miracles unless they're a really bad manager...
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Now here's today's lesson about mind over matter. If you have the willpower to bring a large, metal, finely machined assault weapon into existance, think about how many small, light, green pieces of paper you can make. And all the drugs you can buy with them. Won't they make you feel _much_ better than a few seconds of random violence?
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Obviously, you are too young and naive to have realised the utter futility of life. We are here because our parents had a few moments of meaningless lust that they did not enjoy. Our parents did not raise us because they love us, for who can love a mewling, puking infant? They did because they were genetically programmed to. Once we are grown, we will have our meaningless lusts with someone we do not love, someone who does not love us, or both. We will probably have children who do not love us either and will leave home at the earliest opportunity. We'll work in meaningless jobs, and our work will not affect anybody's lives, except to slightly annoy someone. When we die, only those we owe money to will mourn our being dead before we returned their money.
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Only dead fish swim with the stream.
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Only those who attempt the absurd ... will achieve the impossible
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Only women get used. Men just perform on cue.
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Organization and good planning are just crutches for people that can't handle stress and caffeine.
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Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
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Photography is one percent inspiration and 99 percent moving furniture.
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Programming is like sex - one mistake and you end up supporting it for a lifetime.
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"Quid pro quo" is Latin for "Sleep with me or clean out your desk."
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Real love, despite party line counsel to the contrary, is permeated with dependency, as well it should be. It should therefore come as no surprise that dependency upon the system and its non-human servitors has replaced dependency upon mates. One falls in love and cohabitates with his or her computer.
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Remember: Think globally, act idiotically.
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Rome was not built in a night.
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Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
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Sex is any activity that has a 40% or better chance of resulting in an orgasm.
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Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
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Some people make mistakes, I initiate disasters
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Suicide is not a viable alternative. No matter what situation you have been placed in that is making you unhappy, it can be traced to an individual or group. This person or group must be destroyed.
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Support Mental Health. Or I'll kill you.
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The definition of the Information Age is an explosion in the amount of information it's safe to ignore.
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The difference between America and Brittain is that the British think 100 miles is a long distance and Americans think 100 years is a long time.
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The difference between the military and the Boy Scouts of America is the Boy Scouts are allowed to carry knives and they have adult leadership.
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The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
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The F.B.I. is like a kitten. If you give them some milk, they'll come back.
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The following advisory for American travellers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centres for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about.
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The game is simple. You have to drive from San Antonio to Dallas with a bumper sticker that reads "I'm gay, and I've come to take your guns". First one to make it wins.
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The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it.
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The good news about computers is that they do exactly what you tell them to do. The bad news about computers is that they do exactly what you tell them to do.
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The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: you can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
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The ideal situation is to have real computing power close at hand - right at home. Something that dims streetlights and shrinks the picture on the neighbors TV when you crank it up.
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The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
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The people sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
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The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.
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The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings of civilization.
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The superior pilot uses his superior judgement to avoid situations in which he has to demonstrate his superior skill.
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The three main weapons of choice are fear, surprise, and ruthless lawyers.
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There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
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"They were such NICE young men," said 78 year old Mildred Matthews, walking her dog nearby. "They would pet my dog, and we'd talk about Art Bell, Deep Space Nine and the X Files. I think they just got tired of being repressed and kept down by The Man," said this great-grandmother when interviewed this morning.
-unknown, "Linux Advocates Turn Violent, Go On Rampage"
Things you don't hear on Star Trek: Uhura, I'm scared; Shut 'er down Scotty, she's suckin' mud!; Dammit Spock! That's the fifteenth nutterbutter you've eaten today!
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This is great! The routing is working the way it's supposed to for the first time in months! This is awesome! This is great! This means I can have a transitional phase while I switch to a new provider!
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This principle is so perfectly general that no particular application of it is possible.
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trisexual: men, women, and computers.
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We don't care. We don't have to. We're engineers.
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We have tamed lightning, and now use it to make sand think.
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We're in New York! You can spew anywhere - no one will notice.
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We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare ... Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this isn't true.
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When I was in a band, kids would come up to me and be like "You're SO cool!" All I could think was "Uhm, I'm a DORK. I play Dungeons and Dragons and I LIKE it."
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When the conscious becomes unconscious, you're drunk. When the unconscious becomes conscious, you're stoned.
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When you are having a bad day, and it seems like everybody is trying to tick you off, that it takes 42 muscles to produce a frown, but only 4 muscles to work the trigger of a good sniper rifle.
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why be difficult, when, with a bit of effort, you can be impossible
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With friends like you, who needs conspiratorial governments?
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You can classify any behavior using the scheme I call the "Four F's." These are: Feeding, Fleeing, Fighting, and Reproducing.
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You can't teach intelligence.
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You will eventually get to a stage where you realize that all operating systems are gross ugly hacks.
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You should emulate your heroes, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they're dead.
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You sometimes may get the feeling that I don't like you. This is not the case. I just don't care about you. If you think you disturb me, you're wrong. You just irritate me to no end, like an incessant gnat that's always around and won't go away. The point is, and if you think i'm speaking slowly, it's only because i want to be painfully clear on this part so there's no misunderstanding, you are one of the most pathetic, annoying, self impressed, petulant, boring, consistently stupid, and absolutely unimpressive and useless people i have ever met, and if you don't mind, would you please go away and leave me alone.
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You've gotta understand... this was research code. You need to have a certain level of disbelief while going through it.
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The most important question when any new computer architecture is introduced is 'So what?'
-unknown comp.arch poster
If you're listening to 90.9 FM, this is WETA in Washington. If you're listening to 89.3 FM, this is WETH in Hagerstown. If you're listening to any other station, your radio is off, and you're hallucinating. Snap out of it!
-unknown DJ
Not much happened this weekend; we bombed the hell out of Iraq again ... and we've got some free pizza to give away, so keep listening!
-unknown DJ
Thailand:... A place where there are a lot of prostitutes.
-unknown English dictionary
I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it.
-unknown English Professor
Diplomatic immunity is like virginity. Either you have it, or you don't.
-unknown French diplomat
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
-unknown Ohio University English Professor
Suppose it's Monday and the ironworkers have been out drinking all weekend and the building is sort of leaning this way... you have to account for these small imperfections with your structural system.
-unknown Materials & Assembly professor
The number one reason people tell us they go online is that they want to have e-mail -- which means a good chunk of those 1.2 million people have e-mail addresses
-unknown phone company marketing spokesman
The U.S. Constitution: void where prohibited by law.
-unknown poster on alt.cyberpunk
Misspelled? Impossible. My modem is error correcting.
-unknown poster on alt.sex.fetish.fashion
I don't deal with stress; I kill people.
-unknown ROTC member during the "Stress" T-shirt sale
God himself could not sink this ship.
-unknown Titanic Deck Hand
Hello, Bitter party, your table is ready. Bitter, party of one.
-unknown TV sitcom
One of the students actually sent me an email that said it point blank. He said, "The book sucks." I was like, what the hell? So I emailed back, "Well so does your girlfriend but you still take her out, don't you?"
-unknown University of Maryland professor
It was like being on acid and walking into Disneyland.
-unknown www first-timer
