*Interpretive Theory for understanding what relationships look like

*What do you want from your partner?

*Intimacy:_X_:__:__:__:__:__: Independence - -The more intimate I am with you, the more dependent I am

*Privacy:__:__:__:__:__:_X_: Disclosure*Would these relationships be the same?

Basic Claim!* Personal Relationships Are Indeterminate Process of Ongoing Flux

-doesn’t have an end*What is a “dialectic”

-Opposing tensions, contradictions, or forces that exist:*Exist both within each person and between the relationship & the community at

large*Unified opposites*Are in conflict with each other

-More of one causes a less of the other*In all relationships*Create a dynamic pull or tension

Internal (within ourselves) <-----Dialectic----> External (within partner-macro)

Integration vs. SeparationConnection-Separation Inclusion - Seclusion

*group dates and solos*want separation from larger groups

*Most central or primary tension*Part of a couple or independent

-->AKA Connection v. Autonomy

Stability vs. Change*the desire for both security and excitement

Certainty- Uncertainty Conventionality-Uniqueness

*We do it our way, not like everyone else

*We want to be in a box

*AKA Predictability v. Novelty*Uncertainty Reduction Theory

Expression vs. PrivacyOpenness-Closedness Revelation-Concealment

*Do we tell people about X

*The need to disclose, but also have privacy*Verbal disclosure*Social Penetration Theory

Coping Strategies

1. Denial or Selection*One extreme at expense of the other*Doesn’t work as a strategy

2. Disorientation*Overwhelmed by the contradictions, non-coping*Conversations halts*Fuse short circuits

3. Spiraling inversion or cyclic alteration*Cycle back and forth between poles*Both poles, at different times

(Connection-Separation, Certainty-Uncertainty)4. Segmentation

*Create separate domains*poles apply to different areas

(Openness-Closedness)

5. Balance or neutralization-Both poles, but watered down or compromised-Neither to the full measure-restrict the range, equate the poles a little more-No body wins-Forced threshold

6. Integration*Redefining extremes so you do both at once*an aesthetic moments

Tension in Relationships*Post Marital partners*Parents and Children (mother/daughter)

Application:Since I am far from Dr. Langan’s example in class of finding Miss Right, I would like to

assess this relational dialectics theory from the perspective of my family. There are a couple of dialectics, opposing tensions which exist in the individual and the community at large, that I would like to discuss. The tension between Integration and Separation is the most central or primary tension according to Montgomery and Baxter and this tension plays a big part in my relationship with my family. There is a constant internal tension between connection and separation, otherwise known as connection and autonomy. Living close to home, I choose every weekend and Sunday to be separated from them at college. I want to experience the college life and see them on breaks or every once in a while but not see them every weekend. Even after every football game, I have a decision whether or not I want to go out to eat with them and connect or just go back to my house on campus and hang out with my friends. Say that for instance, I decide to go out eat with my family, there is a constant tension going on in my mind to either stay connected or at what point do I call it quits and become separated. I believe with one’s family, the dialectic of integrating or separating is an ever-changing process because you are constantly making decisions whether to see them or whether to have a life on your own. I hope in the future, I will have a good balance of integration versus separation but becoming a missionary will probably swing this tension to one side of the pendulum.