Reversal of Fortune Screenplay

“Reversal of Fortune”

Original Screenplay written by Jason Wiese

[email protected]

“Reversal of Fortune” Original Screenplay by Jason Wiese 2

FADE IN

INT. – SMALL, FAMILY-RUN VIDEO STORE IN BAY RIDGE, BROOKLYN

BILLY HENDERSON, an overweight, incompetent native

Brooklynite in his late-twenties, is tediously re-stocking

the shelves with a carriage filled of DVDs.

A ne’er-do-well that never did, Billy tackles life one day

at a time, trying to get through the monotony of his dead-

end job.

An ELDERLY WOMAN in the nearly empty store approaches him.

ELDERLY WOMAN

Excuse me sir, but I’m looking for that

new Channing Tatum movie that just came

out a few months ago, I forgot what it’s

called, I think Celestial People? Or

maybe Spiritual Figures?

BILLY HENDERSON

(annoyed)

Heavenly Bodies.

ELDERLY WOMAN

Oh yes, that’s it. Ohh boy, my god-daughter

just loves him. We’re going to watch it

together tonight with some pizza and a vat

of ice cream. It’s our girls’ night!

BILLY

Well ma’am, you’ll have to try another

store if you want to watch it tonight.

We haven’t gotten our copies in for that

yet.

ELDERLY WOMAN

Oh, that’s unfortunate. Can you tell me

where another video store might be?

BILLY

No ma’am.

ELDERLY WOMAN

No? But there must be another store around

here you can guide me to.


BILLY

OK, well then, I suggest you climb into

your DeLorean, set it to 1995 and get that

bitch up to 88 miles an hour because that’s

the only way you’re going to find another

video store anywhere close to here.

ELDERLY WOMAN

(shocked)

Why, I’d never!

The woman storms off as Billy goes back to re-stocking the

shelves like nothing happened.

Once she leaves, TWO TEENAGED GIRLS walk up to him.

TEENAGED GIRL #1

Do you have Believe?

BILLY

The Justin Bieber opus?

TEENAGED GIRL #2

Yes.

BILLY

No, we don’t carry stupid shit.

TEENAGED GIRL #1

He’s not stupid.

BILLY

He ain’t smart.

TEENAGED GIRL #2

Says, the old man that works at a video

store.

BILLY

I’m 28.

TEENAGED GIRL #1

Dickhead, you look 40.

BILLY

Let me ask you something, how many abortions

have you had between the two of you? I’m

putting the over / under at 3.


TEENAGED GIRL #2

Nice, do you kiss your boyfriend’s dick

with that mouth?

BILLY

No, but I do go down on your mom with it.

TEENAGED GIRL #2

(looks at her friend)

Let’s go.

TEENAGED GIRL #1

I really want to see Bieber though. So

do you have the movie or not?

Billy looks at the shelf and grabs the closest DVD to him.

BILLY (cont’d)

No, but we do have plenty of copies of

Norbit. It’s a really good movie, tender

and funny at the same time, and Bieber

reminds me of the main character too.

It’s one of Eddie Murphy’s finest films.

TEENAGED GIRL

Who’s Eddie Murphy?

BILLY

(stares in disbelief)

Get the fuck out of my store. Go, get

the fuck out.

The two girls turn around and leave while Billy goes back

to re-stocking the shelves.

After he haphazardly places several more DVDs on the shelf,

he’s then approached by a MIDDLE-AGED MAN.

MAN AT VIDEO STORE

Excuse me, I’m looking for Expendables 3,

but I can’t seem to find it anywhere.

BILLY

Yeah, we’re out of stock.

MAN AT VIDEO STORE

Are you sure?


BILLY

Yes, we don’t have it.

MAN AT VIDEO STORE

Well can you check up front? Maybe some-

one’s returned a copy this evening? I

really wanted to see that movie tonight.

BILLY

(under his breath)

That’s a pretty sad Saturday night.

MAN AT VIDEO STORE

What?

BILLY

Nothing, I was just saying if that’s going

to be your Saturday night maybe you should

just take a bunch of pills and end it.

MAN AT VIDEO STORE

That’s really nice, do you have it or what?

BILLY

Sir, we’re all out.

MAN AT VIDEO STORE

How do you know that for a fact though?

You haven’t even checked the front

counter.

BILLY

Because all the movies we have, if they’re

not on the shelves, they’re here in this

carriage.

MAN AT VIDEO STORE

I get that you think that, but again, some-

one could’ve just placed a copy in the over-

night slot.

BILLY

That probably hasn’t happened though.

MAN AT VIDEO STORE

You know what? Forget it, I’ll just watch

it on Netflix.


BILLY

Ummm, I think they’ll be out of it too,

it’s a pretty popular title right now.

MAN AT VIDEO STORE

Netflix can’t run out of copies asshole!

BILLY

Yes they can, it’s called bandwidth,

Maybe you should read a book sometime.

MAN AT VIDEO STORE

You’re an moron, bandwidth has nothing to

do with whether or not they have a movie.

BILLY

Sure, keep on believing their propaganda,

Netflix this, and Netflix that, everyone

that comes in here thinks Netflix is like

the world’s greatest blowjob, when in fact

they’re just shaft rakers like every other

new technology out there. You’re all just

sheep. Bahhh! Bahhh!

MAN AT VIDEO STORE

I’d ask to speak to your manager if I

gave a shit, but luckily I don’t. I try

to help out a local small business and

all I get is attitude in return.

The man turns around and storms out of the store.

BILLY

Have a good night sir, don’t come again.

Having seen enough not just that night but for the duration

of employment, the middle-aged VIDEO STORE MANAGER

approaches Billy.

VIDEO STORE MANAGER

Billy, we need to talk.

BILLY

Yes sir.

VIDEO STORE MANAGER

Billy, I hate to do this because I like

you as a human being, even though you

(MORE)


VIDEO STORE MANAGER (cont’d)

have no idea how to communicate with

people on the most basic level, but I

have to lay you off.

BILLY

Lay me off?

VIDEO STORE MANAGER

Yes.

BILLY

Is it because of how I handled that gentle-

man? He started with me, asking if we had

a movie in stock. I’m sorry sir, I just

get frustrated very easily sometimes.

VIDEO STORE MANAGER

No, truth be told I don’t mind that type

of shit. I get to live vicariously through

you, and the messed up think is I kind of

respect it. No, there’s bigger business

reasons at play.

BILLY

Like what?

VIDEO STORE MANAGER

Like the fact I’m trying to run a god damn

video store in the 2015!

BILLY

Yeah, I can see how that could be tough.

VIDEO STORE MANAGER

We’ve had a total of eight customers in

here tonight, six of which left empty-

handed. I can’t keep up the staffing the

way it is now. Netflix is killing me,

it’s killing us.

BILLY

Fuck Netflix.

VIDEO STORE MANAGER

You got that right. But there’s nothing

I can do about it. They’re monsters.


BILLY

Maybe I can hack into their site and make

it crash over and over again until their

customers get fed up?

VIDEO STORE MANAGER

You can do that?

BILLY

No. But I thought it sounded cool and Hugh

Jackman looked awesome doing that hacking

shit in Swordfish.

VIDEO STORE MANAGER

Billy, this isn’t the movies.

BILLY

I wish it was, at least there’d be a happy

Ending.

VIDEO STORE MANAGER

There’s nothing else I can do. I have to

let you go. I’m sorry.

The manager reaches over and grabs a copy of Norbit from

the shelf.

VIDEO STORE MANAGER (cont’d)

Here, have a copy of Norbit, free of

charge, I know how much you love this

film.

BILLY

(sadly)

I do, thanks.

And with that, Billy takes his DVD copy, hangs his head

down low and slowly walks out of the store.

EXT. – VIDEO STORE, 3RD AVENUE IN BAY RIDGE – NIGHT

Billy walks out of the store and stands on the sidewalk

contemplating his next move.

BILLY

Great, what am I going to do now?


INT. – SALTY DOG BAR, BAY RIDGE

Billy is sitting at a table in his favorite neighborhood

bar with his three best friends from childhood – DENNIS, a

tall WASPY-type guy, GARY, a short, stocky Italian guy and

LORI, a tough but kind-hearted Brooklyn girl at heart.

Having all grown-up together, the four of them, while all

different in their own ways, share very similar traits.

They’re in mid-conversation and Lori is responding to Billy

having asked what he should do now after being laid off.

LORI

You’re going to stop having a pathetic

pity party for yourself, you’re going to

get up, wipe the dirt off your jersey,

get back into the batter’s box and take

another swing.

DENNIS

But don’t go for the fences.

GARY

Yeah, don’t swing for the fences. You

might whiff.

DENNIS

Be realistic, aim for a single.

GARY

You think? I would’ve said double.

DENNIS

I think a single is more attainable.

GARY

Yeah, but if he’s been thrust into this

position he should try to make the best

of it.

DENNIS

And if he fails?

GARY

Then he’s right back where he started,

drinking beers with us on a Friday night

at Salty Dog.


DENNIS

It won’t be good for his self-esteem

though.

GARY

What self-esteem?

DENNIS

The little that he has left, you don’t

want him to get negative self-esteem,

do you?

GARY

(thinking)

You’re probably right. You know what,

Billy? Just make contact.

DENNIS

Yeah, just try to hit the friggin’ ball.

BILLY

Excellent, thank you guys for no help what-

soever.

LORI

Billy, your idiot friends mean well.

They’re just idiots.

DENNIS

Thank you Lori.

LORI

So do you have anything lined up?

BILLY

I went into the post office to see if

they have any openings; mailman, mail

sorter, anything. They told me they

don’t expect to have any openings ever

again.

LORI

OK, no surprise there.

BILLY

I also contacted AM New York, the Metro,

and the New York Times to see if they

needed a newspaper deliveryman. No

(MORE)


BILLY (cont’d)

luck there either. I also went to the

supermarket a few blocks over to see

if they’re looking for a cashier.

LORI

And?

BILLY

No dice. They’re installing those new

electronic cashiers so they’re not hiring

anyone new.

LORI

What else?

BILLY

There’s this small mom-and-pop shop in

the neighborhood that I like, I asked if

they needed a stockboy. They politely

laughed in my face. They said they were

being forced to close at the end of the

month. God damn Amazon, they’re squeezing

out the little guy.

DENNIS

Billy, maybe you should stay away from

jobs and fields that are becoming obsolete

because of technology?

GARY

Yeah, it didn’t work out so well for you

the last time around at the video store.

BILLY

I know, but I don’t know how to do much

in life. I’m pretty limited.

DENNIS

You got that right.

LORI

Hey, be nice.

BILLY

No, he’s right.

LORI

Remember, no pity party here. OK?


BILLY

(reluctantly)

OK.

LORI

Are you looking at anything else?

Billy throws a folded up Classified section from AMNY onto

the middle of the table; several job opportunities have

been circled with scribbles along the border.

BILLY

There’s a couple things I found in the

paper.

GARY

(laughs)

The paper? You know there’s something

called the internet, right? They have

a lot of job sites that you can go on.

It’s very easy actually.

BILLY

You know I don’t have the internet at

home.

GARY

You don’t?

BILLY

Nah man, too expensive. I don’t think

I really need it anyways.

GARY

What about your phone?

Dennis picks up Billy’s old flip phone from the table.

DENNIS

You mean this antiquated piece of shit?

He’s lucky if he can make a call from

this thing.

GARY

How do you watch porn then?

BILLY

I’m fine, I have the whole set of

(MORE)


BILLY (cont’d)

Baywatch. I wasn’t always a model video

store employee you know, I skimmed DVDs

off the top sometimes. Checked them out

under dummy accounts and just walked home

with them.

GARY

Baywatch isn’t porn though.

BILLY

It is if you have a good enough

imagination.

DENNIS

Why didn’t you just steal porn then?

BILLY

If I’m going to steal something and risk

my job, I’m going to make damn sure it

has good production values.

DENNIS

You’re a weird dude Billy.

BILLY

You have no idea.

LORI

OK, OK, let’s stay on track. What did

you find in the paper?

BILLY

Not much, a warehouse job, an inventory

job, a clerk at some place where I’m not

sure what they do. Oh and Duane Reade is

hiring at their new location down the

street.

LORI

(encouraging)

OK, that’s good, that’s a start.

GARY

Do you think you could get me free condoms

at Duane Reade if you work there?

DENNIS

Condoms, what is this, 1978?


LORI

Dennis if you saw the chicks he was

screwing I’m sure you’d bag it too.

BILLY

More like doublebag it.

GARY

Oh, ha, ha, ha guys, funny, very funny.

LORI

So you’re off to a good start Billy, but

don’t you think you should aim for some-

thing a little higher?

BILLY

Like what?

LORI

Oh I don’t know, what are you good at?

BILLY

I’m not kidding, I’m not really good at

anything.

LORI

Come on, everyone’s good at something.

BILLY

Not me.

GARY

Lori, he’s right. I’ve known him the

longest out of anyone here and I can

attest to him not being good at shit.

Dude was always picked last in gym class.

He rode the bench on our little league

team, and in the few innings that he

did play, he was put in right field.

He was a C minus student. Just an all

around mess.

BILLY

(sarcastically)

Thank you Gary.

GARY

No problem Billy, I got your back.


LORI

Billy, why don’t you come over my place

tomorrow? You can use my internet

connection and I’ll help you search

some of those job sites.

BILLY

You don’t think David will mind?

LORI

No, he’s at a bachelor party in Montreal.

Besides, we’re friends, what’s the big

deal?

BILLY

OK, I’ll be there.

INT. – LORI’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM

Lori is curled up on her couch reading US Weekly and

finishing a glass of red wine while Billy sits across the

room scrolling through a website on her computer.

LORI

Can I get you another glass of vino?

BILLY

Sure, I’ll take one more.

Lori stands up and pours Billy another glass of wine.

LORI

How’s everything going?

BILLY

This internet thing is awesome. Do you

know you can find anything on here?

Even really bizarre shit. Like look, I

just googled “chick blowing a dude in

the Eiffel Tower” and you know what came

up? Over 1,000 videos of chicks blowing

dudes in the Eiffel Tower…and also videos

of chicks being Eiffel Towered, whatever

the hell that is.

LORI

Please don’t look at porn on my computer.


BILLY

Why not?

LORI

For a lot of reasons, like I don’t want

that stuff in my browser history, I don’t

need David to think I’m a freak and I

don’t need to get any viruses.

BILLY

How are you going to get an STD? This

is the safest sex there is.

LORI

A computer virus dumbass.

BILLY

Sorry, I’m not one of those fancy computer

nerds.

LORI

Have you spent any time looking for jobs?

You know, the reason why I invited you

over?

BILLY

I thought you invited me over because you

like my company.

LORI

I do, but I’m also trying to help you.

BILLY

Yeah, I’ve been looking at jobs.

LORI

OK, what do you got?

BILLY

TGI Friday’s is looking for a waiter, I

applied to that. The Salty Dog is looking

for a bar back. A messenger service in

Manhattan is looking for a delivery guy,

I know how to ride a bike, so that’s

promising. Citibank is looking for a

bank teller, so I submitted my resume

there. A company in midtown is looking

for a data entry analyst so I sent my

resume into them too.


LORI

What does the company do?

BILLY

I have no idea. Didn’t understand their

description, couldn’t tell you what they do.

LORI

OK, a job is a job.

BILLY

Oh, and the Department of Sanitation is

looking for a mobile refuse technician.

LORI

A mobile refuse technician?

(thinking)

So, a garbage man?

BILLY

I prefer the term mobile refuse technician.

LORI

A garbage man.

BILLY

Hey, as you said, a job is a job. But

enough about me, I feel like I’ve been

monopolizing the conversation tonight.

What’s been going on with you?

LORI

Nothing, same old same old, you know

nothing ever changes with me.

BILLY

And how’s everything going with David?

LORI

(exhales loudly)

Ohhh, they’re going.

BILLY

What does that mean?

LORI

No, everything’s good, things are fine.


BILLY

They don’t sound very fine.

LORI

I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder what

goes through that guy’s head and if he’s

truly as invested in this as I am.

BILLY

God you sound like such a…

LORI

(interrupts)

Chick?

BILLY

I was going to say “little bitch,” but

“chick” works too.

LORI

(embarrassed)

God I know! Arrgh, what have I become?

I never used to be like this! I’m supposed

to be the tough girl from Brooklyn, now I

feel like an emotional basket case all the

time.

BILLY

Love does weird things to people.

LORI

Ewww, I’m not in love.

BILLY

You’re not?

LORI

Oh who knows anymore, what I do know is

my boyfriend is in Montreal at a bachelor

party right now doing god knows what with

god knows who.

BILLY

Cocaine with hookers.

LORI

What?


BILLY

Have you ever been to Montreal?

LORI

No, but I hear it has beautiful

architecture.

BILLY

That and it also has beautiful hookers

that will do anything…anything.

LORI

You know you’re supposed to make me feel

better, that’s your role in case you

didn’t know.

BILLY

I know, but I just don’t want to see you

get hurt.

LORI

Do you think he’s really banging hookers

up there?

BILLY

Hookers, no, strippers, well…

LORI

(interrupts)

Hookers, strippers, civilians, whatever.

You know what I’m asking.

Billy stares at Lori for a few moments before finally

deciding to answer.

BILLY

No, you know how guys are, they’re more

talk than action, just trying to fit in

and look cool when they tell stories to

their buddies. I’m sure David is sitting

in Club SuperSex like a scared little

puppy, afraid to even talk to any of the

girls.

LORI

You think?

BILLY

Sure…sure.


LORI

OK, I feel much better.

BILLY

Good.

LORI

Now let’s find you a tie online so that

you can look all spiffy on your inter-

views.

Lori pulls a chair next to Billy and sits down so she can

browse sites on the computer as well.

INT. – CORPORATE OFFICE IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN

Billy, who’s dressed in a short sleeve, buttoned-down shirt

and tie, is sitting nervously across a desk from a MIDDLE-

AGED MAN who is intently studying his resume.

CORPORATE RECRUITER

So Mr. Henderson, this is a rather short

resume.

BILLY

Well if we’re being honest with each other,

I haven’t done much in life.

CORPORATE RECRUITER

I see, so what makes you think you’re

qualified to be a data entry analyst?

BILLY

Because I need a job.

CORPORATE RECRUITER

That’s not exactly an answer to my question.

BILLY

Well I’ve learned when you don’t want

to give an answer to a specific question

you should reframe the question.

CORPORATE RECRUITER

But I’m the interviewer here.


BILLY

Exactly, you’re set, you’re on easy

street, you have a job. I need a job.

The recruiter scans Billy’s resume one more time.

CORPORATE RECRUITER

OK Mr. Henderson, I think we’re done here.

We’ll be in touch.

Billy smiles as he stands up to shake his hand, oblivious

to the fact that the interview went very poorly.

BILLY

Excellent. Do you think I’ll get the job?

CORPORATE RECRUITER

We’re interviewing several candidates for

this position so we’ll let you know.

BILLY

But between us friends, I have a strong

chance, right?

CORPORATE RECRUITER

You’ll have to wait and see.

BILLY

Ahh I see, holding your cards close to

the vest. I understand. Well I feel

that this was a great interview, thanks

for your time.

INT. – CITIBANK BRANCH OFFICE IN BROOKLYN

In a similar situation, Billy, who’s again dressed in the

same short sleeve, buttoned-down shirt and tie, is sitting

nervously across a desk from a MIDDLE-AGED MAN who is

intently studying his resume.

However this time, the interviewer gets to the point by

putting the resume down and simply shaking his head “no.”

CITIBANK BRANCH MANAGER

Nope, sorry you’re not Citibank material.

BILLY

Why not?



You have no relevant experience whatsoever.

BILLY

I can count though, look, one, two, three,

four, five, six…


(interrupts)

Yes, yes, I get it, congratulations, you

can count. But working at a bank is more

than just counting.

BILLY

OK, I can learn other stuff.


I don’t have anyone here to teach you

though, I need someone that can hit the

ground running.

BILLY

I can be that guy.


No you can’t. Thank you for coming in

though. I’m sure you can see yourself

out.

The manager turns his back to Billy and goes back to typing

on his computer.

INT. – MAILROOM IN CORPORATE OFFICE

In another similar situation, Billy, who’s in the same

shirt and tie, sits nervously across a desk from a MIDDLE-

AGED MAN who is looking him up and down.

MESSENGER SERVICE MANAGER

(smiles and nods his head)

OK, you’re my guy!

BILLY

(shocked)

Seriously?


Absolutely.


BILLY

But you didn’t even look at my resume.


What’s there to look at? This is a

messenger service here, I’m not trying

to cure cancer, put a man on Mars, or

build a nuclear bomb. I just need to

make sure that packages get from point

A to point B, and to do that I use my

gut. And my gut is telling me that

you’re my guy. You know how to ride

a bike?

BILLY

Yes sir.


You know how to read directions?

BILLY

Yes sir.


You know your way around the city?

BILLY

Yes sir, I’m better above 14th St though,

the grid pattern makes it a lot easier

for me, but I’m sure I could figure out

SOHO.


Boom! Then you’re qualified.

BILLY

(happily)

That’s awesome! When do I start?


Do you have your bike with you today?

BILLY

Yeah, I rode up here.


Then you can start right now if you’d like.


BILLY

Let’s do it!


OK, let’s do it!

EXT. – THIRD AVENUE, MIDTOWN EAST – DAY

Billy is riding his bike up a busy city street weaving in

and out of traffic while dodging pedestrians.

He’s wearing a bike helmet while still dressed in his short

sleeve button-down shirt, tie and dress pants, he also has

a backpack slung over his back.

Billy pulls up onto the sidewalk in front of a skyscraper

and parks his bike next to a pole.

He grabs his bike chain from his backpack but can’t find

the keys anywhere.

BILLY

Where the hell did my keys go?

He continues searching for his keys, both in the backpack

and in his pockets.

BILLY (cont’d)

Shit, I left them back at the office.

He looks around the area and notices that the street is

mostly filled with professionals dressed in suits.

BILLY (cont’d)

OK, alright, this looks like a nice area,

a bunch of suits just going to Chop’t and

Chipotle for lunch. My baby should be

fine out here. I mean, I’m only going to

be gone for a few minutes.

Billy wraps the chain around the bike to make it look like

it’s locked up then walks into the lobby of the skyscraper.

LATER ON

After delivering a package, Billy walks out of the building

and immediately sees his bike is missing.


BILLY

(deflated)

Son-of-a-bitch.

INT. – MAILROOM IN CORPORATE OFFICE

Billy is standing nervously in front of his manager after

having just told him he lost his bike.


You lost your bike? After your first

delivery?

BILLY

I won’t necessarily say it was lost, more

like stolen.


After your first delivery!

BILLY

Yeah.


How the hell did that happen?

BILLY

Funny story actually, I left my keys back

here so I had no way to lock up my bike.

I thought it’d be ok in midtown, since

you know everyone there wears suits, I

mean what kind of thief wears a suit?


I’m not laughing.

BILLY

Well, you really had to be there to find

it funny.


OK, get the hell out of here.

BILLY

What?


I can’t have an idiot on the payroll.

(MORE)


MESSENGER SERVICE MANAGER (cont’d)

You lost your fucking bike on your first

fucking day! This job requires a bike,

you don’t have one! That’s like being

a male pornstar without a cock.

BILLY

What? Anyways, I can use one of those

stupid Citibikes.


You’d probably lose that too. You’re

out of here pal.

BILLY

Can I at least get paid for the two hours

I worked?

The manager reaches into his pocket, takes out a $20 and

hands it to Billy.


Doing the paperwork for a two-hour

employee would be a nightmare, here’s

$20, tax free, keep the change.

INT. – TGI FRIDAY’S RESTAURANT

Billy is sitting at a table in the practically empty

restaurant late in the afternoon. Sitting across from him

is the MANAGER, a pretty female in her late twenties.

She looks at a bunch of paperwork sitting in front of her.

TGI FRIDAY’S MANAGER

Well Billy, I reviewed the personality

test you took and unfortunately you

failed.

BILLY

(laughs)

No way!


I’m afraid I’m serious.

BILLY

What the hell does that mean? How do

(MORE)


BILLY (cont’d)

you fail a personality test? Does that

mean I have no personality? I want you

to know that I have a lot of damn

personality, I have personality oozing

out of my asshole.


Billy, failing our personality test

doesn’t mean you don’t have a personality

per se, it just means that you’re not a

personality fit for the specific demands

of this job.

BILLY

What demands are those? I mean, no

offense we are talking about TGI Friday’s

here. Dumbasses come in, sit down, order

their stupid margaritas and shitty

appetizers, I write it down on a pad, I

deliver their food, then give them their

check and tell them politely to get the

hell out so I can sit the next group of

idiots. Am I missing something?


It’s more complex than that. We want to

create the complete dining experience

because we want all of our customers to

become repeat customers, and a lot of

that will be based on the repoire they

have with their server. See, our servers

are our front line to the customers.

BILLY

And you don’t think I can deal with

people? I am mister fucking people person.

People love me, I love people. Well I

don’t love most people, in fact love is

a strong word, but there are definitely

people I like.


Billy, it’s just not going to work.

BILLY

Can you at least comp me an order of

loaded potato skins for my time?


EXT. – TGI FRIDAY’S, 5th AVENUE IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN – DAY

Billy has just left the TGI Friday’s and walked out into a

downpour. Prepared, he opens up his umbrella and begins

walking down the sidewalk.

Suddenly, a Sanitation truck comes barreling down the

street close to the sidewalk and smashes through a huge

puddle which ends up completely drenching him.

BILLY

(stops in his tracks)

Son-of-a-bitch.

INT. - BILLY’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM

Billy is sitting on the couch of his cramped living room

which is cluttered with a lot of useless stuff like stacks

of DVDs, videotapes and magazines.

He’s watching TV and eating directly out of a bucket of

Breyer’s ice cream, moping about his recent employment

failures, when his landline phone rings.

BILLY

Hello.

DENNIS (O.S.)

Billy, what are you doing?

BILLY

Watching Jeopardy…eating some Breyer’s.

DENNIS (O.S.)

Well stop that stupid shit, throw on some

pants, meet me at B Dubs and let’s get

weird tonight.

BILLY

Dennis, I don’t feel like going out tonight,

it’s been a shitty week.

DENNIS (O.S.)

Stop crying like a bitch, it was a shitty

week for everyone. You think I like going

to work? Fuck and no. It’s Friday night,

the weekend’s here, so let’s blow off some

steam.


BILLY

Look, I’m comfortable on my couch,

relaxing with some TV and I’m doing the

only thing I’m good at, eating.

DENNIS (O.S.)

You can eat at B Dubs, you can have as

many wings as you want.

BILLY

I don’t have any money Dennis.

DENNIS (O.S.)

I’ll cover you tonight.

BILLY

I don’t need your charity.

DENNIS (O.S.)

What charity? You’re giving me a signed

IOU at the end of the night. You’re

paying me back.

BILLY

(thinking)

Oh, I don’t know.

DENNIS (O.S.)

Come on, it’s be fun. You need to get

out of your shitty apartment.

Billy looks around and notices how messy his place it is.

BILLY

Yeah, it is pretty shitty, isn’t it?

DENNIS (O.S.)

Lori’s going to be there as well.

Billy’s interest is suddenly piqued after hearing that.

BILLY

She is?

DENNIS (O.S.)

Yeah, me, Gary and Lori.

BILLY

OK, I’ll go.


DENNIS (O.S.)

Good, throw on a decent shirt, you never

know what chicks we’ll meet there, and be

there in an hour.

INT. – BUFFALO WILD WINGS, BROOKLYN

Billy, Dennis, Gary and Lori are sitting around a high

table in the middle of the crowded, raucous restaurant.

They’re in the middle of a conversation where Billy is

giving them an update on his employment search.

LORI

So what happened to the sanitation job?

BILLY

Ugh, it’s all politics.

LORI

What does that mean?

BILLY

It’s a government job. It’s all about

who you know and who you blow.

LORI

Even in sanitation?

BILLY

Especially in sanitation. There’s like

no show jobs everywhere in that depart-

ment.

GARY

Looks like someone is still watching

too much Sopranos.

BILLY

No it’s true. Nepotism is everywhere.

It’s like a big racket, do you know how

much awesome, valuable shit people throw

out every day? Chaise lounges, folding

tables, armoires. You think any of that

stuff actually makes it to a landfill?

Heck no, these garbage men take it and

sell it on eBay. It’s a very profitable

side business for them, that’s why it’s

so hard to get a job there.


LORI

So I take it that was a dead end?

BILLY

Totally. Didn’t even get a second

interview.

Dennis pounds the rest of his pint of beer.

DENNIS

Well screw it. It’s Friday night, let’s

just drink our faces off and forget about

our worries.

BILLY

Easy for you to say. You have no

worries, you all have a steady paycheck

coming in. I got nothing.

GARY

There’s more to life than just a pay-

check, believe me we’ve all got our

own worries to deal with. We all got

bills to pay and we all have our shitty

relationships that we have to deal with.

DENNIS

Yeah Billy, you’re actually lucky you

don’t have a girl draining the soul out

of your body like a vampire.

BILLY

I can’t even think about taking a girl

out right now. Unemployment doesn’t

make them moist.

LORI

Don’t say that word.

BILLY

What? Moist?

LORI

(cringes)

Yes, stop it!

BILLY

Sorry, I’m just so frustrated.


LORI

Oh Billy, your luck will change soon

enough, I know it.

Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom system which

immediately draws everyone’s attention.

BWW ANNOUNCER (O.S.)

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

welcome to Friday night at Buffalo

Wild Wings. You’re all here on a

very special occasion as tonight we’ll

be holding our first annual “all-you-

can-eat” wing contest celebrating

our newest flavor, Habanero Inferno,

our hottest sauce ever created. We are

looking for daring competitors who would

be willing to challenge the beast and

take on our soon-to-be infamous Habanero

Inferno wings. You will have to sign a

waver agreeing to not hold Buffalo Wild

Wings responsible for the feelings of

euphoria that you’ll no doubt experience

after gobbling down several of these

perfect pieces of poultry precision.

Now, who would like to participate?

Step right up, step right up!

Lori turns to Billy and immediately pleads for him to go

up, even going so far as to push him repeatedly.

LORI

Oh my god Billy, you have to do this!

GARY

Yes, this has your gut written all over it.

BILLY

(sheepishly)

Oh I don’t know guys.

DENNIS

You don’t know? Billy, you said it your-

self, the only thing you’re good at is

eating. This is an eating competition.

Go up there and kick everyone’s ass.

BILLY

You think I should?


DENNIS

There’s no thinking about it. In fact…

Dennis stands up and tries to grab Billy out of his seat

but quickly realizes it’s a little harder than he thought.

DENNIS (cont’d)

…Gary, help me out here.

Gary stands up and helps Dennis pull Billy from his seat.

Billy finally stops resisting before they succeed.

BILLY

OK, OK, I’ll do it.

LORI

(applauds)

Yeah, go Billy!

Billy makes his way through the crowd, while random patrons

high-five him and pat him on the back, as he hustles

towards a makeshift stage by the bar area.

BWW ANNOUNCER

There we go, we have our first contestant!

Come on up here buddy!

Billy walks up to the announcer and shakes his hand.

BWW ANNOUNCER (cont’d)

What’s your name friend?

BILLY

Billy, Billy Henderson.

BWW ANNOUNCER

Welcome to the stage and our first annual

wing eating contest! Billy, do you have

a nickname you go by?

BILLY

Yes, Billy.

BWW ANNOUNCER

(confused)

Well Billy, take a seat and get prepared

to eat wings until you puke, metaphorically

not physically speaking, of course. Like

(MORE)



any other eating competition, you puke,

you lose. No reversal of fortune here.

Lori grabs her beer from the table and rushes towards the

stage, followed by Dennis and Gary.

LORI

Come on, we’ve got to get a better look

at this.

LATER ON

Billy and his nine competitors, mostly male with a couple

females, ranging in age from teenagers to middle-aged, are

sitting at a long table. Each has a huge plate of wings

piled high in front of them.

BWW ANNOUNCER

OK contestants, you have five minutes to

eat as many wings as you can. It’s as

simple as that. Remember, these wings

are literally as hot as a five-alarm

fire so be careful and don’t blame me or

Buffalo Wild Wings Incorporated if you

are incinerated. By the way, we have

beautiful young ladies stationed in front

of each of you to count your wings as you

eat them so that there’s no cheating.

It’s not that we don’t trust you, it’s

just that we don’t trust you. OK, is

everybody ready?

(the competitors applaud)

DJ, kick some funky music for this!

The DJ salutes him then begins to play Joe Esposito’s

“You’re The Best Around.”

Immediately recognizing the song from the original Karate

Kid, Billy smiles and gives his friends a big thumbs up.

In return, Gary does some obviously fake karate moves while

Dennis shows off his version of the crane technique.

DENNIS

Put ‘em in a body bag Billy, yeah!

GARY

Sweep the fucking leg!


LORI

(confused)

What are you clowns talking about?

DENNIS

Seriously?

The announcer looks at the timer that sits on the wall

above the table and shouts out.

BWW ANNOUNCER

Gentlemen start the timer…and go!

With that, the ten competitors dive into their plates

furiously eating wings and indiscriminately discarding the

bones on the table and floor while the crowd cheers on.

After only a short time, most of the competitors begin to

take a break while Billy carries on, unfazed by the massive

amount of blazing hot wings he’s eating.

LATER ON – 30 SECONDS LEFT IN THE CONTEST

All the competitors except for Billy are slowing down,

barely able to eat another wing, while Billy continues

downing the plate in front of him.

GARY

Holy shit, he’s a machine!

DENNIS

He’s killing them!

BWW ANNOUNCER

We’re winding down this most exciting

competition. 10, 9…

The crowd exuberantly joins in on the countdown.

BWW ANNOUNCER

…8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And we’re done.

Competitors, put your wings down!

The announcer walks in front of the table to get a better

view. He sees that Billy’s plate is almost empty while

everyone else’s is still half-filled with wings.


BWW ANNOUNCER

Whoa! Whoa! We have a B Dubs blowout!

Billy, they call him Billy, Henderson

has slaughtered the competition! His

competitors are figuratively walking

around like chickens with their heads

cut off! 52 habanero inferno wings in

five minutes! They said it couldn’t be

done! They said it wouldn’t be done!

They said it shouldn’t be done! But

Billy proved all the haters wrong! He’s

the big winner, he will have his entire

check comped tonight! He will be the

envy of everyone in the restaurant

tonight! He will go home with the

hottest girl tonight!

The announcer looks Billy up and down then changes his

tune.


Maybe not the hottest girl, but certainly

a girl out of his league! Life is nothing

but great for the man they call Billy!

(walks over to Billy)

What would you like to say to all your

new adoring fans out there?

BILLY

I know it’s going to sound sad, because

quite frankly it is sad, but this is the

greatest accomplishment I’ve ever had in

my miserable, shitty existence on this

hellhole we call earth.

Billy’s somber speech quickly brings the room to a hush.

BWW ANNOUNCER

Ummm, OK. Do you have anything else to

say, maybe something a little more

uplifting?

Billy puts his finger up to silence the crowd then picks up

a full pint of beer and downs it in one gulp, belching

after he finishes it.

The crowd roars in appreciation after he emphatically slams

the empty plastic cup on the table and crushes it. He

flashes a big smile and gives a knowing nod to his friends.


BWW ANNOUNCER

There you have it! Our chicken champion!

Our wing winner! Our prince of poultry!

Billy picks up two more wings and continues eating.

BWW ANNOUNCER

And he’s still going ladies and gentlemen!

An absolute savage move by an absolute

savage of a man!

Billy picks up his plate of remaining wings and leaves the

table to rejoin his friends.

The restaurant guests all pat him on the back as he makes

his way through the crowd and towards his friends.

LORI

That was amazing Billy!

GARY

Hey do you feel big guy?

BILLY

Like I need another beer.

DENNIS

Let’s go back to our table.

The four of them walk back to their table and take their

seats again.

GARY

How hot are these things really?

BILLY

Pretty friggin’ hot.

GARY

They don’t look so bad. Let me have one

of those, I’ll be the judge.

BILLY

OK, don’t say I didn’t warn you though.

Gary grabs a wing from the plate, takes one small bite and

immediately regrets his decision.


GARY

Holy fuckballs! That’s Scarlett Johansson

ass hot!

As Gary takes a sip of water, Dennis grabs a wing from the

plate.

DENNIS

Pussy. Let me show you how a real man

does it.

Dennis takes a small bite, immediately spits it out then

rushes to a neighboring table so he can take their pitcher

of water.

He chugs the water, drinking it so quickly that most of it

ends up going all over his shirt.

DENNIS

Damn man, that shit is straight fire

flames. You seriously ate 52 of them?

BILLY

That’s what the counter said, although

personally I think I did 54, but whatever

a win is a win.

DENNIS

That’s unbelievable.

Billy puts the plate of wings in front of Lori and offers

her one.

BILLY

Would you like one Lori?

LORI

Oh god no, I can’t even stand the smell

of them.

BILLY

Alright, more for me then.

He grabs another wing and starts eating it.

GARY

You’re insane.


BILLY

(shrugs his shoulders)

I just know how to eat.

The WAITRESS, a pretty, young college-aged female,

approaches the table and warmly puts her arm around Billy.

BWW WAITRESS

That was amazing!

BILLY

(smitten)

Thanks, it was no big deal.

BWW WAITRESS

Can I get you guys anything right now?

BILLY

Yeah, we’ll take two pitchers of Miller

Lite.

BWW WAITRESS

You got it.

GARY

Make it four.

(looks to his friends)

Hey, it’s Billy’s tab tonight and it’s

free.

BILLY

Gary, we don’t have to use and abuse

B Dubs just because I won.

BWW WAITRESS

It’s no problem at all. I’ll get you

four pitchers.

The waitress rubs Billy’s back as she walks away.

DENNIS

Holy shit, maybe this will get Billy

laid.

GARY

Get real, she’s a waitress, she’s paid

to flirt with customers. Hell, she might

even blow him if the tip is right.


LORI

Gross. You know why you’re single Gary?

GARY

Because I’m too pretty to be kept by only

one girl?

LORI

No, it’s because you don’t respect women,

which means you don’t respect yourself.

GARY

Ohh, is this the part of the night when

you go all philosophical on us? It’s

a little too early for that, don’t you

think?

LORI

It’s true though.

GARY

Well Billy respects women and look how

far that gets him.

BILLY

Hey don’t bring me into this.

LORI

You know Gary, if you were half the man

Billy is…

GARY

(interrupts)

I am half the man Billy is.

LORI

Har, har, har, you know Gary, I swear

to god I should…

DONALD GORGE, a slick young man dressed in a crisp suit,

approaches the table and interrupts them just as the

argument starts to get heated.

DONALD GORGE

Excuse me, Mr. Henderson.

BILLY

Yes.


DONALD GORGE

I’m Donald Gorge from Major League Eating.

BILLY

What the hell’s Major League Eating?

DONALD GORGE

We’re the governing body that supervises

and regulates eating contests across the

world.

BILLY

Holy shit, something like that actually

exists?

(laughs)

Jesus, what is America going to think of

next?

DONALD GORGE

Yes, we actually exist.

DENNIS

I guess that means world hunger has ended?

DONALD GORGE

(deadpans)

No, why would you assume that?

DENNIS

Oh, no reason.

DONALD GORGE

Billy, not only do we exist but we take

the sport very serious.

DENNIS

Wait, did you just call eating a sport?

DONALD GORGE

Absolutely.

DENNIS

Eating, like something that everybody

does every day, a sport?

DONALD GORGE

That’s right.


DENNIS

(looks around to his friends)

OK, I’ll ask. How the hell is that a

sport?

DONALD GORGE

I can see how this can be confusing.

Let me explain, see, what unathletic

people like yourself do every day,

that’s just eating. You have your

Fruit Loops in the morning, soup and

sandwich for lunch, and at night you

come to your local Buffalo Wild Wings,

eat your dozen wings, drink a liter of

beer then go home and call it a day.

That’s all well in good, and I respect

that.

DENNIS

(interrupts)

I’m glad you can respect eating.

DONALD GORGE

(ignores him)

However there’s no competitive aspect

involved there. You add in competition,

you add, five other people, nine other

people, winners, who are as hungry as

you are, and you tell them to each the

most pounds of lunch meat or the most

number of wings or the most pieces of

shrimp, whatever, that’s what gives you

the thrill of victory and the agony of

defeat, and that’s what a sport is all

about. Billy, when I saw you tonight,

you were impressive, regardless of how

awful your victory speech was, I didn’t

see a loser up there on the stage, I saw

a winner, I saw an athlete.

Gary and Dennis can’t help contain their laughter.

DONALD GORGE (cont’d)

Sure maybe not a traditional athlete

like a Floyd Mayweather, Lebron James

or Ronaldo but an athlete none the less.


BILLY

Athlete? Not bad for a kid that was

always picked last in gym class.

GARY

(whispers)

I can’t believe I’m hearing this.

DENNIS

(whispers)

I can’t believe he’s saying this with

a straight face.

BILLY

Thanks for all the kind words.

DONALD GORGE

No, thank you for your performance. You

nearly broke a wing eating world record.

I’m an excellent judge of talent and I

can confidently say I think, I think a

star was born tonight.

BILLY

You don’t want to sleep with me do you?

I mean, I’m flattered but I like girls.

DONALD GORGE

No, I want to sign you.

BILLY

To Major League Eating?

DONALD GORGE

MLE for short, yes.

DENNIS

Wait so your name is Gorge and you work

at a place called Major League Eating?

DONALD GORGE

Purely coincidental but some would say

with a name like mine I was born to do

this job. Actually, truth be told, my

real last name was Gage, but I legally

changed it to Gorge when I came to MLE.

See, we’re all about promotion and

theatrics at our organization so it only

(MORE)



made sense for me to change my name to

something that fit better contextually.

(looks at Billy)

So what do you say Billy, will you sign

with MLE?

BILLY

What does that mean exactly?

DONALD GORGE

You sign a contract, you join the circuit,

you enter various eating contests across

the country, and if you do well enough,

you might even be able to gain a spot at

the fabled Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July

Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney Island.

LORI

Nathan’s! Wow, Billy that’d be awesome!

BILLY

I don’t know sir.

DONALD GORGE

What don’t you know Billy?

BILLY

I appreciate the offer, but I don’t know

if competitive eating is for me, I’m

trying to get a full time job right

now, looking for some stability in life,

a steady paycheck. I’m not sure if

traveling the country eating will

provide that.

DONALD GORGE

If you’re good enough, it will.

BILLY

I don’t know if I’m good enough though,

and that’s a big “if” for me right now.

DONALD GORGE

I see the gift in you though Billy. Do

you remember that quote in A Bronx Tale?


DENNIS

(whispers)

I love that movie.

BILLY

“It’s better to be feared than loved?”

DONALD GORGE

“The saddest thing in life is wasted

talent and the choices you make will

shape your life forever.” I want you

to think about that for a little bit.

Donald takes a business card out of his jacket pocket and

hands it to Billy.

DONALD GORGE

You have a wonderful night with your

friends and I hope you enjoy your

victory. I have a feeling there will

be plenty more of them in your future.

And with that Donald walks away while Billy continues to

studying his business card.

DENNIS

Holy shit, was that guy serious?

BILLY

His business card seems serious.

Billy shows the card to them then Gary grabs it from him.

GARY

It’s certainly printed on a good stock.

LORI

What’s there to think about Billy?

BILLY

I don’t know about this.

LORI

I mean, if he is who he says he is, and

Major League Eating is actually what he

says it is, it seems to me like a no

brainer to at least try it. What have

you got to lose?


GARY

Yeah, it’s not like you have anything

else going on for you right now.

BILLY

I don’t want to fail again though.

LORI

Is that what this is about? Failure?

GARY

Why should it matter, you’re so good at

it now.

LORI

Gary, shut up.

BILLY

That’s exactly it though. Gary hit the

nail on the head. I am a failure, and

I’m sick of it.

Lori looks sternly at both Gary and Dennis.

LORI

You know, would it hurt you two pricks

to be a little supportive of Billy once

in a while?

DENNIS

Lori, we’re just breaking balls.

GARY

Yeah, that’s what guys do.

LORI

There’s a time and a place though.

DENNIS

We’re dudes, it’s always the time and the

place.

LORI

You’re a bunch of Neanderthals.

(looks at Billy)

Billy, you’re not going to fail.


BILLY

How do you know? All signs and historical

trends point to failure.

LORI

Did you see what you did on that stage

earlier? You were a man among boys…and

girls. You were supernatural. You

didn’t just win, you crushed everyone,

why do you not think you could do that

with other food products, like oysters,

jalapenos, pizza, hot dogs, and whatever

else they shove down their throats at

record speeds.

BILLY

I do like oysters…and jalapenos…and pizza

…and hot dogs.

LORI

There you go! So what’s the problem?

BILLY

I don’t know, I just feel like if I fail

at this what the hell would I ever succeed

at?

LORI

I understand, but I have faith in you,

Dennis and Gary have faith in you too.

Right guys?

DENNIS

Oh yes, yes.

GARY

Absolutely we have faith.

BILLY

Thanks guys, you’re all real good

friends.

LORI

Billy, make me a promise, that’s all I’ll

ask of you. At least think about this

opportunity. OK?

The waitress comes back to deliver the four pitchers.


BWW WAITRESS

Here you go guys, enjoy!

BILLY

OK, I’ll think about it tomorrow…but

tonight we drink to celebrate!

DENNIS

Hell yeah we do!

Billy fills up everyone’s empty plastic cups with beer then

they cheers and pound their drinks.

INT. – BILLY’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM

Billy’s lying on his couch watching TV when he notices

Donald’s business card sitting on his coffee table.

He picks up the card and looks at it, contemplating whether

he should call or not.

After several moments of thinking, he finally sits up and

grabs his landline phone to call him.

BILLY

Hi, can I speak to Mr. Donald Gorge?

(waits for a response)

Oh this is him? Hi, this is Billy

Henderson, we met the other night at

Buffalo Wild Wings, I won the wing

eating contest.


Yes, yes, I’m doing good. How are you?


I’m good, I’m good. Well Mr. Gorge,

I know you’re a very busy man so I

don’t want to beat around the bush,

I’m in…and I’m ready to kick ass!

(pauses)

So, what do I do now?

EXT. – MLE PERFORMANCE INSTITUTE BUILDING – DAY

Billy walks across a well-manicured lawn towards a 5-story

glass tower that has an obnoxiously big sign hanging on the

façade that says “MLE Performance Institute.”


INT. - MLE PERFORMANCE INSTITUTE BUILDING

ATRIUM

Billy is in awe when he steps into the huge, opulent lobby.

Decorated in all white, with white furniture, the place has

a sterile look to it.

He appraoches a desk set prominently in the middle of the

atrium where a young, very attractive female RECEPTIONIST

is sitting.

BILLY

Hi, I’m here to see…

RECEPTIONIST

(interrupts)

Mr. Gorge, you’re William Henderson,

right?

BILLY

Jesus, no one has called me William

since Sunday school.

RECEPTIONIST

Please have a seat and Mr. Gorge will

be with you in one moment.

Billy takes a seat in the waiting area. After a few

moments of nervously fidgeting around, he decides to flip

through the stack of magazines sitting on a table.

He moves aside a Rolling Stone, a Time, a People and a Good

Housekeeping magazine then stops when he comes to

“Competitive Eating Quarterly.”

On the cover of the magazine is a screaming HARUTO “THE

TYPHOON” MATASUSAKA - a short, skinny Asian man in his

late-twenties - with the headline “The Bad Boy of the MLE,

Can Anyone Beat Him?”

BILLY

(to himself)

He doesn’t look so bad to me.

A nerdy TEENAGER who’s also sitting in the waiting area

overhears Billy and decides to interject.


NERDY TEENAGER

You’re wrong.

BILLY

What did you say?

NERDY TEENAGER

That’s Haruto Matasusaka, they call him

“The Typhoon.”

BILLY

So?

NERDY TEENAGER

He’s the seven-time defending Nathan’s

4th of July Hot dog eating champion.

He’s set the world record for eating

the most wings, jalapenos, dumplings,

cow brains and, of course, hot dogs.

BILLY

Of course.

NERDY TEENAGER

They say he’s never met a food that he

couldn’t eat.

BILLY

They say that?

NERDY TEENAGER

Oh yes.

BILLY

And who exactly are they?

NERDY TEENAGER

Only the editor-in-chief and head blogger

of Competitive Eating Quarterly!

BILLY

(to himself)

What the hell did I get myself into?

(to the teenager)

So what are you doing here?

NERDY TEENAGER

I’m working on my certification in the

teenager division.


BILLY

You have to get certified for this

bullshit?

NERDY TEENAGER

Definitely, the MLE takes their

competitions very seriously therefore

they want to ensure all their athletes

are of both sound mind and body.

BILLY

Sound body?

NERDY TEENAGER

Yes, I mean maybe not exactly physically

but definitely spiritually.

BILLY

Good to see that they’ve already brain-

washed you at such a young age.

(under his breath)

Tool.

Donald Gorge, a man who always walks with a purpose, enters

the waiting area and greets Billy with a firm handshake.

DONALD GORGE

Billy.

BILLY

Oh thank god you’re here.

DONALD GORGE

Of course I’m here, I work here. How

are you doing today?

BILLY

I’m good.

DONALD GORGE

Are you ready to get to work?

BILLY

Absolutely.

DONALD GORGE

OK, let’s do it. Follow me, and please

keep up. I walk fast, I think fast, I

talk fast and I act fast.


HALLWAY

Billy is trailing behind Donald by a few steps, struggling

to keep up, as they walk briskly down a hallway. This

allows Billy to peek into the rooms as they walk.

In one room, there’s TWO MALE COMPETITORS practicing their

hot dog eating techniques – splitting hot dogs in two,

dunking the buns separately in water, drinking pints of

pink lemonade.

In another room, a DOCTOR in a white lab coat is measuring

the height of another MALE COMPETITOR and then checks his

heartbeat with his stethoscope.

In a third room, a bunch of MALE COMPETITORS are stretching

and doing exercises like jumping jacks, stretching, running

in place and shadow boxing.

In a fourth, a MALE COMPETITOR is laying on a massage table

while a young, sexy female MASSAGE THERAPIST rubs and

massages his bare belly.

In a fifth room, another MALE COMPETITOR is standing in

front of a full length wall mirror practicing his burping

and also rubbing and moving his jawbone working on his

muscles.

Also down the length of the hallway hangs a series of

portraits of competitors that have been inducted into the

MLE Hall of Fame, the pictures run the gamut of people and

practically all photos are completely awkward.

DONALD GORGE

Do you like the offices?

BILLY

Yeah, it’s beautiful. Looks intense

around here though, not what I expected.

DONALD GORGE

That’s because competitive eating is

intense.

BILLY

So what’s up first, what are we going to

do?


DONALD GORGE

First, I’ll need you to sign some paper-

work, just a couple contracts, no big

deal. Should only take a minute or two,

maybe a little longer if you actually

want to read through them, but you don’t

have to. It’s not really necessary.

BILLY

Contracts? I’m not really into big

business and Wall Street and things like

that. Should I have brought a lawyer

along with me? Not that I have one,

but I watch a lot of late night TV and

I think I remember the number for one

of them, his commercial has a catchy

jingle. Have you heard it, do you know

the one I’m talking about?

DONALD GORGE

(ignores his question)

Lawyer? For what? Lawyers just like

to complicate things, write all their

legalese that doesn’t make sense to

the common man, hold things up, stall

progress. I am progress. No, you

don’t need a lawyer. Besides, I’m your

friend, I don’t try to screw over my

friends.

BILLY

Yeah, that makes sense. You’re right.

LATER ON – DONALD’S OFFICE

Donald is sitting behind his desk patiently waiting for

Billy to finish signing all of his paperwork.

BILLY

What’s this part mean about forfeiting

all merchandising rights and likenesses

upon agreement of entering the circuit?

DONALD GORGE

Oh nothing really, just means that once

you sign onto MLE, you’re entering into

a partnership with MLE Incorporated and

we have the right to market and sell you

(MORE)



as we see fit. This is good for you

Billy, trust me, we have a dedicated

team of experienced marketers that know

how to promote our stars and build

incremental value. Let me ask you

something, do you like money?

BILLY

I do like money.

DONALD GORGE

Good, I thought you did. Well then if

you like money then there’s no reason

why you wouldn’t sign.

BILLY

That’s all I need to hear.

With that, Billy signs the last document that is in front

of him.

DONALD GORGE

Excellent. Now Billy, I need to tell

you one last thing. You see, competitive

eating is as much here…

(points to his brain)

As it is here.

(rubs his stomach)

It takes equal parts mental toughness,

physical endurance and desire, the

heart and stomach of a champion, to

succeed. We can train you to eat.

We will train you to eat because your

first competition is only in two weeks.

BILLY

Two weeks? That’s pretty quick.

DONALD GORGE

Well we don’t believe in wasted space.

You sign a contract, we put you to work

right away, it’s good for everyone

involved.

Donald notices Haruto in the hall walking towards his

office.


DONALD GORGE

Billy, you’re actually in for a special

treat today.

BILLY

Why’s that?

Haruto, with his famed mustard yellow belt draped on his

shoulder, walks into the office and immediately acts like

he owns the place.

HARUTO

What’s up my bitches!

DONALD GORGE

(laughs)

There’s my guy!

Donald stands up and greets him with a hearty handshake.

DONALD GORGE

Typhoon, I’d like to introduce you to

Billy Henderson, our newest superstar

on the MLE tour.

HARUTO

Nah, nah, you don’t introduce me to him,

you introduce him to me. Have some

respect for my number one ranking.

For once, Donald is humbled by someone else.

DONALD GORGE

Absolutely, sorry Typhoon. Ummm, Billy

I’d like you to meet our most popular

superstar in the league, Haruto “The

Typhoon” Matasusaka.

HARUTO

Seven-time defending Nathan’s Famous

4th of July Hot Dog eating champion,

Haruto Matasusaka.

Billy stands to greet Haruto.

BILLY

Good to meet you Mr. Matasusaka-san.

I liked your cover on Competitive

Eating Quarterly.


DONALD GORGE

Ahh you saw that?!

BILLY

Yes, absolutely, I mean just in your

waiting area so I didn’t have a chance

to read the article, but the pictures

were good, they made you look taller.

Haruto, being the tough guy he is and trying to exude his

dominance, shakes Billy’s hand and squeezes it as hard as

he can. This only annoys Billy.

BILLY

What are you doing?

HARUTO

Me? Nothing, I’m just being friendly,

shaking your hand, welcoming a fellow

competitor onto the circuit.

BILLY

It feels like you’re trying to squeeze it.

HARUTO

Me? No.

BILLY

Is that the hardest you can squeeze?

HARUTO

No.

Haruto tries to squeeze his hand harder which barely

affects Billy.

DONALD GORGE

Billy, you’re going to be thrown into

the deep end right off the bat. Haruto

will be competing in your first contest.

BILLY

And what’s that?

DONALD GORGE

The Shrimp Invitational at Red Lobster.


HARUTO

In case you don’t know, I’m Asian so

seafood is second nature to me. I was

practically born with flippers.

Billy sizes up Haruto’s shortness and looks over his head.

BILLY

Did they name the contest after you too?

HARUTO

You’re so funny I forgot to laugh.

BILLY

That’s a nice belt, a little gaudy but

it complements your complexion. Do you

always walk around with it on your

shoulder?

DONALD GORGE

Billy, that is the mustard yellow belt,

that’s what every competitive eater

craves to attain. It’s what the winner

of the Nathan’s Famous 4th of July hot

dog eating contest wins. It’s very

coveted in our world, much like the

Lombardi trophy, Lord Stanley Cup,

Nobel Peace Prize or Congressional

Medal of Honor is to others.

BILLY

Well it’s pretty.

HARUTO

Admire it now because it’s the closest

you’ll ever get to this.

Haruto kisses the belt.

BILLY

Is everyone in this league as weird as you?

HARUTO

No. I’m the best at being weird, just

like I’m the best at eating hot dogs,

oysters, pizza, anything, you name it.


DONALD GORGE

Typhoon, why don’t you go down the hall

and have one of the doctors check your

cholesterol.

HARUTO

Good idea.

He grabs a pretzel stick off of Donald’s desk and takes a

big, hard bite out of it to try to intimidate Billy.

BILLY

Dude, get over yourself, I’m not scared

of you.

Haruto stares down Billy and walks out of the office

backwards without taking his eyes off him.

HARUTO

I’ll be keeping an eye on you, rookie.

BILLY

I look forward to our first competition.

HARUTO

And I look forward to beating you in

our first competition. Be careful,

don’t do a reversal of fortune your

first time out.

Haruto laughs then bows to Billy once he gets to the

doorway.

BILLY

(annoyed)

Just leave already.

Donald sits back down after Haruto leaves the office.

DONALD GORGE

Did you like that belt?

BILLY

Yeah it was nice, a little ridiculous

looking, but kind of cool nonetheless.

DONALD GORGE

That belt should be your #1 goal. Yeah,

(MORE)



winning the overall cumulative point

total for the season is nice, but

traditionally, historically, everyone

wants to drape that mustard yellow belt

around their waist. It’s our largest

nationally televised event, and anyone

would receive a ton of exposure for

winning it. Think about the Nathan’s

Famous 4th of July hot dog eating contest

as the Super Bowl, Daytona 500, World

Series, British Open, Wimbledon, Home

Run Derby, Final Four, Olympics, World

Cup, Haley’s Comet and presidential

election all wrapped into one. It’s

winner take all with no participation

trophy for second place.

BILLY

That’s pretty heavy.

DONALD GORGE

So are you ready to begin training?

BILLY

I’ve never been more ready for anything

in my life.

DONALD GORGE

OK, let’s do it then.

EXT. – RUNNING TRACK, MLE PERFORMANCE INSTITUTE CAMPUS –

DAY

Billy is standing on the track in a jogging suit and

headband as Donald introduces him to his new TRAINER, a

hardened, tough-as-nails, jacked middle-aged Army veteran.

DONALD GORGE

Billy, I’d like to introduce you to

ex-Navy Seal, Sergeant Harding, he’ll

be the trainer in charge of your

extensive workout regimen for the

next two weeks.

SERGEANT HARDING

I’ve never seen a more disgusting pile

of puke standing before me in my entire

(MORE)


SERGEANT HARDING (cont’d)

life. You’re probably standing there

wondering how you’re going to get into

competition shape in the next fourteen

days. Well, I’m going to push you to

levels you never thought you could reach,

and when I get you there, I’m going to

push you even harder. While I can’t

make you into me, I can make you into

the best you can be.

BILLY

What are we doing out here?

SERGEANT HARDING

You’re going to run a mile. Then when

you complete that, you’re going to run

another mile. I’m going to stretch you

to the edge of your physical abilities,

you’re going to run until you literally

drop.

BILLY

So if I drop after a hundred yards we

can move onto the next pointless thing?

SERGEANT HARDING

No, you’re going to pick yourself up

and run some more.

BILLY

I’m sorry sir, but what does running

have to do with competitive eating?

I don’t even remember the last time

I ran for anything, for any reason.

Maybe sixth grade for the physical

fitness test?

SERGEANT HARDING

I’m sure you failed that.

DONALD GORGE

Really Billy? You might as well ask

what does steering have to do with

driving, or what does paddling have to

do with kayaking or what does kicking

your feet have to do with swimming?


BILLY

OK, interesting analogies that have

nothing in common with what I asked.

SERGEANT HARDING

No more questions, losers stall, winners

do. Get to it.

DONALD GORGE

I’ll let you two go to work.

Donald leaves as Billy, very slowly, starts running around

the track as his trainer follows behind barking at him.

SERGEANT HARDING

Pick up the pace fat boy! Winners run!

Losers walk! Winners rent a cheap motel

room and screw the homecoming queen on

prom night, losers stay home and jerk off

all over their Ouija board.

BILLY

(looks at Sergeant)

What the hell are you talking about?

SERGEANT HARDING

(shouts)

Maintain discipline! Look straight

ahead! A winner does not get dis-

tracted by outside forces! A winner

keeps their head in the game at all

times! A winner…wins.

Billy is already sucking wind after running just 30 yards.

This begins a training montage set to Survivor’s “Burning

Heart” with scenes of Billy struggling to run around the

track interspersed throughout:

He does push-ups in the middle field of the track, actually

he only does one before falling flat on his stomach even

though his trainer is on the ground next to him giving

“encouragement” by constantly yelling and screaming at him.

Then he tries to do a pull-up but can’t even muster one as

he struggles mightily and just hangs there. Frustrated,

the Sergeant grabs his legs and pushes him up to do one.


INT. – MLE PERFORMANCE INSTITUTE BUILDING

VARIOUS ROOMS

Billy is sitting at a table where Donald is teaching him

proper technique for eating a hot dog – taking the hot dog

out of the bun, ripping it in two then dipping the bun in a

cup of water.

He grabs a hot ketchup bottle and attempts to put some on a

hot dog but is quickly pushed away by Donald.

Donald has Billy grab a hot dog next. When Billy dips the

bun in the water, Donald shakes his head disapprovingly

then helps by adjusting his wrist just so and having him

dip again.

Then when he goes to eat the hot dog very gingerly, Donald

shakes his head again. He puts another hot dog in Billy’s

hand then pushes his hand up forcing the dog right into his

mouth, practically stuffing it in there.

Next, with instruction from the Sergeant, Billy works on a

punching bag, hitting it harder and harder with each

successive punch.

Afterwards, Donald is standing with Billy in front of a

mirror teaching him the “wiggle” technique. He watches

Billy eat a hot dog then shows him how to wiggle his body

to digest the hot dog more easily.

Billy tries to replicate his wiggle, but after he does

Donald shakes his head then puts his hands on Billy’s waist

and forcefully sways them to show him how he should do it.

He eats another hot dog and wiggles his body again, this

time meeting with Donald’s approval as he claps his hand

and gives him a high five.

Later he’s struggling hard to do sit-ups, with very bad

form, as the Sergeant kneels next to him slapping him on

the stomach.

SERGEANT HARDING

No pain, no pain, no pain.

Billy suddenly stops himself mid sit-up.


BILLY

Can you stop doing that? It’s kind of

annoying.

The Sergeant’s demeanor changes quickly to a more relaxed

one.

SERGEANT HARDING

Yeah, you’re right, that was over the

top.

Next, Billy is sitting down at a table with a large pizza

sitting in front of him.

He attempts to rip a piece off but is abruptly stopped by

Donald who folds up the entire pizza and hands it to Billy

who takes several mammoth bites from it.

He puts the pizza down and takes a swig from a pitcher of

water, but even that technique can be improved as Donald

encourages him to take bigger, but quicker gulps.

EXT. – TRACK, MLE PERFORMANCE INSTITUTE CAMPUS – DAY

Billy, barely able to still stand, very slowly runs across

the finish line. He’s so ecstatic that he claps and jumps

around Sergeant Harding then tries to hug him.

Harding stands there stoically through all this then shakes

his head and puts his arm out to stop the hug.

In return, Billy just politely shakes his hand.

INT. – PROSPECT PARK, BROOKYLN

Billy and Lori are walking across the park, both are eating

ice cream cones.

LORI

So are you ready for tomorrow?

BILLY

I think I am. Are you going to be there?

LORI

What kind of question is that? Of course

I’ll be there, I wouldn’t miss it for

the world. I’m going to be your loudest

(MORE)


LORI (cont’d)

supporter without a doubt. David and I

will be your loudest supporters.

BILLY

Oh, David’s coming too?

LORI

Yeah, he’s curious about this whole

competitive eating thing so he wants to

check it out.

BILLY

He’s not going to make fun of me, is

he?

LORI

What? No, absolutely not! No way!

And if he does, rest assured I’ll give

him a swift kick to the balls.

BILLY

Thanks. Are the guys coming too?

LORI

Of course. You don’t think they’d come?

BILLY

Maybe not. Maybe they’re tired of seeing

me be a loser.

LORI

Stop it! You sound nervous.

BILLY

I am nervous.

LORI

You’ll do just fine. I know you will.

You said yourself that your training

went well.

BILLY

Physically I’m ready, it’s the mental

part that I’m not so sure if I’m where

I need to be.


LORI

Once you step in the ring…or up to the

table…or on the stage…whatever they call

it, I’m sure you’ll forget about every-

thing, forget about the nerves and your

instincts and training will take over.

BILLY

I hope so. God this is good ice cream.

LORI

It’s not bad.

INT. – RED LOBSTER, SUBURBAN NEW JERSEY

Donald, who’s on stage wearing a tuxedo in front of a

crowded Red Lobster that’s covered with “Major League

Eating” banners and posters, is in the midst of introducing

the competitors for the shrimp eating contest.

DONALD GORGE

Hailing from your neighbor to the east,

and keeping it real from the mean streets

of Brooklyn, he’s a newcomer popping

his competitive cherry and making his

debut tonight on the MLE circuit, Billy

Henderson!

Billy walks in from outside of the restaurant and makes his

way through the crowd as Dennis and Gary trail behind him.

DENNIS

You’ve got this tonight. You’re our

David, you’re our Rocky, you’re our

1980’s U.S Olympic men’s hockey team,

you’re our 1969 Mets. No fear, leave

it all on the table tonight.

GARY

Actually you should leave it all in

your belly.

DENNIS

Yeah, no reversal of fortune, forget

I said that.

Dennis rubs Billy’s shoulder as they walk towards the

stage. Once on stage he joins several competitors already

situated at the long table.


Billy looks out in the crowd and gives Lori a wink and wave

when he spots her.

LORI

(claps and whistles loudly)

Alright Billy! Go! Go! Go!

DONALD GORGE

And hailing from Tokyo, Japan please

welcome to the stage, the Godzilla of

seafood, the world record holder in the

shrimp eating category and two-time

defending champion of the New Jersey Red

Lobster All-You-Can-Shrimp Invitational,

the atomic bomb, Haruto “The Typhoon”

Matsusaka!

Haruto leaves the bathroom and is guided through the crowd

by a couple of HANDLERS, one of whom is holding his world

championship belt high above his head behind him.

He’s wearing an obnoxious headband and t-shirt that says “I

Beat Anyone That Challenges Me To Eat.”

HARUTO’S HANDLER

The greatest of all time! The greatest

of all time! The greatest of all time!

Haruto is the last competitor to join the stage; he

immediately goes up to Billy to try to intimidate him.

HARUTO

Watch how a real professional gets it

done.

BILLY

I shit bigger than you Haruto.

HARUTO

Doesn’t matter how big the shit is,

just how big the brain, stomach and

heart is.

BILLY

Get bent.

HARUTO

(confused)

Bet rent?


BILLY

I said get bent.

HARUTO

Set gent?

BILLY

(annoyed)

Just shut up and sit down.

A bunch of SERVERS come up to the stage carrying platters

of shrimp piled high and place them in front of each

competitor.

DONALD GORGE

Are the competitors ready?

Everyone gives him a thumbs up.

DONALD GORGE

Time keeper please put five minutes on

the clock. OK, on your mark, get set,

shrimp!

Each competitor jumps into their pile of shrimp as the

clock begins its countdown and cocktail sauce goes flying

everywhere, especially all over their faces.

One of the weaker competitors meticulously peels each

shrimp before eating it, another has a more unorthodox

method – he puts the whole shrimp in his mouth then spits

the tails out on the floor.

The more experienced eaters like Haruto, and even Billy,

are squeezing each tail to seamlessly get the meat into

their mouths.

Every once in a while, Haruto discards his shrimp tails by

throwing them towards Billy, a few even hit him which

briefly breaks his concentration.

The crowd is cheering wildly, including Lori, Dennis and

Gary. Lori’s boyfriend, David, is looking on more

skeptically.

DAVID

This is disgusting.


LORI

Oh come on David, lighten up, besides

Billy’s our friend, we have to support

him.

DAVID

He’s your friend. There’s no skill

involved here, I played lacrosse back

in college, now that took skill.

DENNIS

(sarcastically)

Yes, yes, we all know how much of a

world class athlete you are.

GARY

Yes, we’ve heard it many times.

DAVID

I wouldn’t say world class necessarily,

but I was a two-time national champion.

Anyways all this gluttony is sick and,

the fact that global hunger is such an

epidemic, it’s incredibly intensive to

hold such an event or to even have such

a league exist in this day and age. If

Red Lobster was a good corporate citizen

they’d donate all this shrimp to third-

world countries like France, Greece and

Spain instead of engaging in, and

encouraging, this type of barbaric

competition.

GARY

Jesus, lighten up Francis.

DENNIS

(confused)

David, you know Italy, Greece and Spain

aren’t third-world countries, right?

DAVID

Whatever, I wasn’t a geography major in

college, I majored in lacrosse and ass

slaying, but you know what I mean.

DENNIS

That’s nice. You’re certainly a credit

to humanity.


LORI

David, let’s just watch and support my

friend.

David kisses Lori on the forehead.

DAVID

OK, I’ll do it, but only for you honey

bunny.

LATER ON – THE CLOCK IS COUNTING DOWN FROM 10 SECONDS

DONALD GORGE

We’re coming to the end of the contest

folks, five, four, three, two, one.

Shrimps down!

Billy stuffs one last shrimp into his mouth then puts the

rest in his hand back down on the plate. His face, and

lips especially, are covered with cocktail sauce.

He looks over to Haruto’s nearly empty plate and realizes

immediately he’s lost.

Billy’s look of dejection is countered by Haruto’s look of

elation. Knowing he won, Haruto jumps up on his chair then

on the table and raises his arms in celebration.

He then turns his attention to Billy and flips him off with

both middle fingers. After that he fakes throwing up on

him then laughs and dismisses him with a wave of his hand.

HARUTO

Screw you rookie! You’re my bitch!

You’re my little bitch! I own you!

You can’t eat for shit, bitch!

DONALD GORGE

Ladies and gentlemen! What a contest!

I think it’s safe to say we were all a

witness to history tonight! Although

it’s clear who the victor is please

standby for a few more minutes as we

finish the official tally.

A sulking Billy leaves the stage and joins his friends.

They all give him consoling pats on the back.


DENNIS

Good try champ.

LORI

Yeah, you were wonderful!

BILLY

I lost though.

LORI

It was your first real competition,

you’ll get them next time.

DAVID

Yeah, you, ummm, looked OK out there,

I mean relatively speaking of course.

You looked less of an idiot than that

tiny Asian man who won.

BILLY

Well thank you David.

LORI

(whispers)

David, stop.

DAVID

(laughs)

What?

GARY

So what was it like, like overall?

BILLY

That was a lot of shrimp to eat. And

the cocktail sauce was pretty spicy so

that was an unanticipated challenge.

Dennis points to Billy’s face which is still covered in

sauce because he hasn’t bothered to wipe it off yet.

DENNIS

Hey man, you got some sauce left on your

face.

BILLY

Oh yeah, where?


DENNIS

Ummm, everywhere.

GARY

Seriously, how does someone get cocktail

sauce on their forehead? Their forehead.

DENNIS

Forget that, how do you get it on your

ear?

DONALD GORGE (O.S.)

And it’s official! With an amazing four

pounds and nine ounces of shrimp eaten,

the winner and still champ, the Godzilla

of Seafood, the Saint of Shrimp, the

Prince of Prawns, the Fuhrer of Fish,

the Count of Crustaceans, Haruto “The

Typhoon” Matsusaka!

Haruto is carried off the stage by his two handlers and set

down in the crowd where he’s greeted by fans and admirers

giving him high fives and patting him on the back.

He walks through the crowd and approaches Billy.

HARUTO

Hey rookie!

BILLY

(annoyed)

What?

Haruto puts his index and middle fingers up under Billy’s

nose.

HARUTO

What’s this smell like dickhead?

Billy immediately pushes his fingers away from him.

BILLY

Eww, get those away from me.

HARUTO

That’s the smell of victory, bitch!


Haruto laughs then walks away with the rest of his

entourage; one of the guys bumps into Billy’s shoulder on

purpose as he walks by.

After they leave, Billy turns around to chastise Dennis and

Gary.

BILLY

And where the hell were you guys to have

my back?

DENNIS

Oh come on Billy, that dude is like a

hobbit, you don’t need us to help.

BILLY

It’s not about needing help, it’s about

showing him that I roll deep too. Screw

him and his entourage, I want him to

know I have one too. That I can’t be

fucked with, your inactions are making

me very fuckable.

DENNIS

Hey first time in your life at least!

BILLY

Go screw yourself.

GARY

If it’s any consolation, when the Asian

dude put his fingers to your nose and

asked what they smell like, I was going

to tell him “your mamma!” That would’ve

been a sick burn.

BILLY

So why didn’t you?

GARY

I tripped over my shoelace and couldn’t

regain my balance in time.

BILLY

Great, thanks. My “money team” is a bunch

of bumbling idiots.

DENNIS

Yes, but you already knew this.


BILLY

Come on, let’s go to dinner.

LORI

You can eat after all that?

BILLY

Of course! That was just my appetizer,

I’m fine as long as we don’t go to Long

John Silver’s.

INT. – MLE PERFORMANCE INSTITUTE

DONALD GORGE’S OFFICE

Billy is sitting in front of Donald’s desk and has just

opened up his first paycheck. It’s for $300.

He puts the paycheck down and sees Donald sitting across

from him with a huge smile on his face.

DONALD GORGE

What do you think? Pretty awesome to

get paid for eating, right? You get

paid for something that 75% of people

in this country do every day, in fact

most even have to pay to do it, but you

get paid.

BILLY

(unsatisfied)

Mr. Gorge, I appreciate getting paid,

but $300? That’s awfully tough to

live off of, you know?

DONALD GORGE

Oh is that what this is about? Having

a livable wage?

BILLY

Yeah, I think that’s fair to ask about.

DONALD GORGE

Billy, the money will come when you

start winning. When that happens you’ll

get paid from not just competitions, but

also appearances and endorsements. The

money will be flowing in then, with MLE

(MORE)



only taking a modest 80% fee. But you

have to start somewhere first.

BILLY

I understand that, I just thought the

payments were going to be a little

higher.

DONALD GORGE

Well compensation was all clearly laid

out on pages 22, 23, 24 and 25 of the

contract. And also understand, as

stipulated in your contract, that we

took $200 off the top for use of the

facilities here at our performance

institute, so at least you don’t have

to worry about that expense since we’ve

taken care of it for you.

BILLY

But you told me I didn’t have to read

the contract.

DONALD GORGE

Yes, and thank god for me you didn’t.

Billy, I’m trying to run a business

here, if I tried to pay everyone here

like a superstar well then we wouldn’t

be around for too long. We’d be bankrupt.

We’re not communists, we don’t live in

a utopian society where everyone’s

treated equally, we’re a business

and until you start winning, you’ll be

paid like a loser.

(thinking)

Would you like to meet who the top dogs

are in the world of competitive eating?

BILLY

I’ve already met “The Typhoon.”

DONALD GORGE

(laughs)

Billy, Haruto might be our biggest star,

but he’s by no means our only stud. I’d

like to show you our superstars so that

you can see who makes superstar money,

(MORE)



and then hopefully you’ll start learning

to appreciate what it truly takes to

reach the top echelon of this profession.

BILLY

OK.

DONALD GORGE

Come with me then.

GYM

Standing against a wall are five of the meanest-looking,

toughest competitive eaters on the planet who are being

looked over by Donald and Billy.

DONALD GORGE

Billy, this is the crème de la crème

of MLE, and these are the men and

women you’ll be up against during our

major competitions…along with of course

Haruto Matasusaka who you’ve already

competed against. First, I’d like you

to meet Thomas “The Hungry, Hungry

Hippo” Potamus. Tommy hails from

Germany and is an expert eater in all

forms of kraut and wurst.

THOMAS POTAMUS is a very German-looking muscle head who’s

wearing a tight tank top and biker shorts.

BILLY

So your name is Thomas Potamus? That’s

pretty catchy you know.

DONALD GORGE

I wouldn’t rile him up Billy. Tommy

once bit a man’s pinky finger off

during a competition in Dusseldorf

and ate it.

THOMAS POTAMUS

(menacingly)

It was in the heat of battle, I thought

it was a bratwurst. My mistake.


DONALD GORGE

Next we have a lovely lady by the name

“The Praying Mantis.”

BILLY

“The Praying Mantis?”

DONALD GORGE

Yes, just “The Praying Mantis.”

THE PRAYING MANTIS is a sultry, European-looking woman with

jet black hair and dressed in a skin-tight black leather

body suit.

THE PRAYING MANTIS

Do you know why they call me The Praying

Mantis?

BILLY

I’m guessing it’s not because it was

your parents’ choice?

THE PRAYING MANTIS

Because competitive eating is like sex

to me…and sex is like competitive eating.

Both are quite orgasmic.

BILLY

You get wet over eating large quantities

of hot dogs?

THE PRAYING MANTIS

(licks her lips)

Soaking.

The Praying Mantis blows Billy a seductive kiss.

DONALD GORGE

Moving on, we next have “The Spearmint

Rhinoceros” Joey Spearmint.

JOEY SPEARMINT, a husky man in his early-thirties, is

standing in a body suit flexing and admiring his own

muscles.

BILLY

Hey, are you named after…


JOEY SPEARMINT

(interrupts)

No, I have that name because of my eating

prowess…and penis size, if you know what

I mean.

BILLY

Yeah, I think I know what you mean.

DONALD GORGE

Next to Joey, we have the “Glutton From

Sutton” Charles Chesterfield. He’s from

jolly old England, but don’t let that fool

you. Just cause their food sucks doesn’t

mean he does. Not only does he hold world

records in the shepherd pie and bangers

and mash divisions, but he also holds them

in the more Americanized divisions like

twizzlers, twinkies and calamari.

CHARLES CHESTERFIELD is an Englishman in his early-thirties

with crooked front teeth who wears menacing, warrior-like

face paint.

CHARLES CHESTERFIELD

So do you think you’ve got what it takes

to be a champion?

BILLY

I hope so.


You hope so? Jesus, you sound like a

cunt already.

BILLY

What was that? Did you call me a…

DONALD GORGE

(interrupts)

Don’t worry Billy, they use that word as

a term of endearment across the pond. It’s

used just as much as the words “like,”

“love” and “respect” are over there.

BILLY

Oh, thank you for that then Glutton.



No, I really do think you’re a…

DONALD GORGE

That’s enough Charles, we got it. And

last, but not least, there’s Nancy “The

Real Slim Lady” Bitterman.

Nancy Bitterman is a very petite, short middle-aged woman

that looks more like a librarian than a competitive eater.

BILLY

(looks at Donald)

Oh, she doesn’t look too bad.

Upon hearing that, Nancy marches up to Billy and punches

him square in the groin. He keels over and falls to the

ground in terrible pain.

NANCY BITTERMAN

I heard that asshole. Remember, good

things come in small packages which

means you must be a pile of shit.

DONALD GORGE

And those are our top superstars. As you

can see, they’re all physical specimens,

not quite human either. Any questions?

BILLY

(high-pitched)

No.

DONALD GORGE’S OFFICE

After his meet-and-greet in the gym, Billy is back in

Donald’s office in mid-conversation. He’s sitting on the

couch with a bag of ice on his crotch.

BILLY

Mr. Gorge, you sure do make a lot of

sense when you talk.

DONALD GORGE

So we’re good? No more annoying rookie

questions about salary and compensation

and other stupid shit like that?


BILLY

No, we’re good.

DONALD GORGE

Good, go home and get some rest, we’re

entering the heart of the season so

there are a ton of events coming up.

This leads into a competition montage of the events he

participates in across the country. Each contest, Billy

comes relatively close to winning but is always edged out

by his arch nemesis, Haruto.

EXT. – TIMES SQUARE, MANHATTAN – NIGHT

Hordes of tourists walk by, and are packing, the Olive

Garden in the heart of Times Square.

INT. – OLIVE GARDEN, TIMES SQUARE

Donald Gorge is announcing the “Never Ending Bowl of Pasta”

Eating Competition.

Billy is competing against Haruto and the rest of the top

MLE superstars – Hippo, Glutton, Mantis, Slim and Rhino.

The contest starts with all the competitors digging their

hands right into large bowls of pasta to furiously eat as

much as they can.

Bowl after bowl are set down in front of them and the more

they eat the more red sauce and grated parmesan gets all

over their face and t-shirts.

In the end, Haruto wins and does his typical wild

celebration towards the crowd then towards his fellow

competitors particularly Billy.

A dejected-looking Billy, who was being cheered on by his

friends Lori, Dennis and Gary, but not David, comes in a

disappointed fifth place.

INT. – JOE’S SHANGHAI, CHINATOWN, NEW YORK CITY

In a very cramped restaurant during the lunch hour, Billy

is sitting at a large, circular table with nine other

competitors including the top MLE superstars.


Everyone in the restaurant is standing around the table

getting ready to watch the competition as Donald Gorge

stands over them announcing the festivities for the “5th

Annual Chinatown All-You-Can-Eat Soup Dumplings” Contest.

There are large buckets of soup dumplings sitting in front

of each competitor and they all dig in once Donald gives

the signal to start.

Soon enough, soup from the dumplings shoot all over the

table and the competitors as the contest begins.

As with the other contests, Haruto is an easy winner with

Billy placing a disappointing sixth place.

After winning, Haruto engages in his typical over-the-top

celebration, complete with jumping on his chair and doing a

dance.

HARUTO

(looks down at Billy)

Soup dumplings? Silly, you never had a

chance.

BILLY

The name’s Billy.

HARUTO

No, if you keep thinking you actually have

a chance in this league, then it’s Silly.

Frustrated, Billy pushes Haruto’s chair over which drops

him to the ground.

HARUTO

Very professional, Silly.

Haruto stands up and quickly recovers, trying to act like

nothing happened, then goes back to celebrating.

INT. – PORT AUTHORITY TERMINAL, NEW YORK CITY

Billy is down in the depths of the terminal waiting in a

long line to board a bus. While in line he looks at his

bus ticket, “Greyhound Bus – One-Way From New York City to

Tampa.”


INT. – GREYHOUND BUS

Billy, an oversized man, looks ridiculous as he’s squished

into a window seat on a packed bus that’s going down the

New Jersey Turnpike.

He struggles to make even the smallest moves, like grabbing

his phone from his pocket or taking his headphones out from

his backpack.

After struggling so much, Billy gives up and decides to

just sit there and look out the window.

INT. – OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE

Billy and the other MLE superstars are participating in a

promotional contest at an Outback Steakhouse in suburban

Tampa.

A prominent banner hanging in the restaurant says “Bloomin’

Onion Eating Contest.”

Donald Gorge again is the MC for this event and gives the

signal for the competitors, who are sitting at a long table

with plates of Bloomin’ Onions surrounding them, to start.

Haruto is again the winner and does his usual victory dance

to celebrate. Billy again has a disappointing finish,

coming in 5th place, and sulks as he leaves the stage.

EXT. – HERTZ RENTAL CAR, PARKING LOT – DAY

Billy walks through a large lot looking for his rental car.

He passes by several luxury autos, convertibles, sports

cars until he finally makes his way to the economy section.

He looks down at his paperwork to check the lot number and

parking space written on it which leads him to a spot where

a SMART FORTWO car is sitting.

BILLY

(shaking his head)

No, this can’t be.

He does a double take on his paperwork to confirm this is

the car he’s renting. It is.

BILLY

Where the hell’s the rest of this car?


Billy sucks it up and attempts to get into the driver’s

side. It takes him a good three chances before he’s

finally able to squeeze himself in.

INT. – SMART FORTWO CAR

Billy is literally smashed into the automobile with very

little room for anything else. He can barely put the key

into the ignition to start the car.

Sitting next to him on the passenger’s seat are MapQuest

directions outlining his next destination, Atlanta, GA.

EXT. – I-75 NORTH HIGHWAY

Billy is driving his micro car in the right lane well below

the speed limit, while every other vehicle, including 18-

wheelers, whiz by him.

INT. – CHEESECAKE FACTORY

The next competition is an “All-You-Can Eat Cheesecake

Competition” at a Cheesecake Factory in Atlanta.

Like with the other competitions, Billy is joined by the

other MLE superstars while Donald announces the contest.

Several decadent cheesecakes of all kinds are sitting in

front of each competitor.

The whistle blows signifying the start of the competition

as the contestants immediately dig their hands into the

cheesecakes and stuff their faces.

In the end, Haruto wins another event while a stunned Billy

just sits there with cheesecake covering the better part of

the bottom of his face.

He thought this was an event he had a good chance of

winning but instead came in 3rd place.

EXT. – TEXAS STATE FAIR, DALLAS – DAY

A large CROWD has gathered to watch Billy and the other top

competitors engaged in their latest eating contest, Chicken

Fried Meatloaf.


A banner hangs prominently over their table which says:

“Texas State Fair Welcomes The All-You-Can-Eat Chicken

Fried Meatloaf Contest.”

After the competition ends, Donald Gorge rushes over to

raise Haruto’s hand signaling his victory.

EXT. – FARM IN KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI – DAY

In a large, vacant farm with only a handful of SPECTATORS

in attendance, Billy and the MLE crew participate in their

next competitive eating contest.

A makeshift wooden sign hangs off the table which says:

“Welcome to Kansas City, Home To The All-You-Can-Eat Tongue

Contest.”

After the competition ends, Donald Gorge once again has the

duty of raising Haruto’s hand in victory.

Billy picks up a tongue and tosses it on the ground in

frustration.

EXT. – BROOKLYN BRIDGE PARK - DAY

Under the shadow of the Brooklyn Bridge on a sunny, Spring

day is a long table where Billy and the MLE top superstars

are sitting with their back towards the East River. Pizza

boxes are stacked high in front of everyone.

A large banner hangs high over the table which reads:

“MLE’s 2nd Annual All-You-Can-Eat Pizza Challenge on The

Brooklyn Waterfront Sponsored By Grimaldi’s.”

Donald Gorge again is there to MC the proceedings and

signal the start of the competition.

Billy opens his first pizza box and instinctively tries to

rip off a piece but then thinks back to his training and

picks up the whole pie and folds it into fourths before

taking a few huge bites.

Lori, Dennis and Gary are there cheering him on in the

crowd.

Billy’s making good time and is periodically looking over

to his competitors to see how they’re faring.


As the competition is coming to a close, Haruto steps up

his pace and furiously goes through several more slices of

pizza.

The clock winds down to zero and Donald orders them to

stop.

DONALD GORGE

Whoa, whoa! What a competition folks!

What a competition! Newcomer, and home-

grown kid, Billy Henderson gave it all he

got, an inspired showing no doubt inspired

by the inspiration of the inspirational

Brooklyn Bridge shining down on us from

above. But as usual Haruto also put up

a tremendous showing and the rest of our

cast of characters did very well. The

judges will confer on the official tallies

then we’ll be back to tell you the winner.

LORI

How do you think he did?

DENNIS

He looked like he ate a lot up there.

GARY

No shit.

LORI

I hope he wins, he needs this. He was

sounding down in the dumps the other day

when I talked to him on the phone.

DENNIS

Yeah, it only takes one. He just needs

that one win to springboard him.

Billy just sits on the stage fidgeting his hands while he

awaits the results.

LORI

He certainly looks nervous.

Lori waves to try to get his attention, after a few

attempts he finally notices her and smiles then waves back.


DONALD GORGE

Well ladies and gentlemen, it must’ve

looked closer than it really was since

Haruto “The Typhoon” Matsusaka won by a

whole half of a pizza pie over Brooklyn-

born, Brooklyn-bred Billy Henderson.

Congratulations to “The Typhoon,” a

real Asian-American hero!

Billy gets up, hangs his head down low and leaves the stage

as Haruto celebrates by jumping all around and doing his

victory dance.

Lori, Dennis and Gary immediately walk up to their friend

and console him.

LORI

That’s OK Billy, you did good. You

almost won.

BILLY

No I didn’t.

LORI

What? You came in second.

BILLY

Yeah, first loser.

LORI

Come on, that’s no way to think.

DENNIS

Yeah, you were awesome up there.

BILLY

He beat me by four slices. That’s not

a rounding error, that’s an ass kicking.

He’s just too good. I can’t compete and

I’m tired of losing.

LORI

Billy, you know…

Billy doesn’t want to hear anything about it so he walks

through the crowd as his friends trail behind him.


BILLY

(interrupts)

No, face it you guys, you’re friends with

a loser. I’ve always been a loser and I

always will be a loser. That’s what I

am, I’m sorry. But a cheetah can’t change

his stripes.

DENNIS

It’s actually…oh never mind.

BILLY

I am what I am and a loser I am.

LORI

Billy, where are you going? It’s a nice

day, we’re in Dumbo, why don’t we just

take a walk and relax?

BILLY

No, I just want to go home and be alone.

Billy picks up his speed through the crowd which allows him

to separate from his friends.

LORI

Billy…Billy.

He doesn’t acknowledge Lori’s callouts and continues

walking until he’s lost in the crowd.

DENNIS

Let him go, let him be by himself for a

little bit.

LORI

Poor guy.

INT. – MLE PERFORMANCE INSTITUTE, DONALD’S OFFICE

Donald has just welcomed Billy into his office as they take

a seat around a table.

DONALD GORGE

So, to what do I owe the pleasure of this

most unexpected visit?

BILLY

I wanted to discuss my options sir.


DONALD GORGE

Options? What options?

BILLY

Whether or not I should continue on in

the MLE. I’ve got to admit, it’s getting

pretty boring to lose all the time…and

that’s saying something for me who is

used to losing in life.

DONALD GORGE

Oh well that’s the beauty of having a

signed contract, you don’t have any

options! We own your ass!

BILLY

I wouldn’t say you “own my ass.”

DONALD GORGE

Oh, but I would, and we do.

Donald walks over to his desk and grabs a contract from his

file cabinet then throws it on the table for Billy to see.


Here, take a look. Page three, fourth

paragraph.

Billy picks up the contract, turns the page and scans it.

BILLY

Holy shit, it really does say you own

my ass.

DONALD GORGE

Well, not me, technically Major League

Eating Incorporated.

BILLY

How the hell did you get that writing into

a contract?

DONALD GORGE

I told you, I’m not much for legalese.

BILLY

So I’m stuck and fucked?


DONALD GORGE

You’re not fucked at all. Look, everyone

starts out at the bottom, everyone loses

their first few contests, it takes a lot

to get used to this kind of competition.

Remember, you’re facing the best eaters

in the world.

BILLY

Did Haruto start from the bottom?

DONALD GORGE

Oh god no, but that’s beside the point.

Billy, forget the past, and who gives a

shit about the present, it’s all about

the future. Nothing you’ve done in the

past matters tomorrow. And that future

is the Nathan’s Famous 4th of July Hot

Dog Eating Contest, the eyes of the world

will be on that event. Fame and fortune

awaits the winner, and that winner can

certainly be you. What a great story

it’d be if a local boy like yourself

won the event too, that’s the kind of

publicity you can’t even buy. You’d

instantly be on the cover of all the

local newspapers and magazines, inter-

viewed on all the local TV stations,

you’d be a hero, right up there with

other New York City heroes like Babe

Ruth, Rudy Giuliani, Mother Theresa

and Gandhi. However, you need to

qualify for it.

BILLY

I’ve been trying to, but I can’t win,

I can’t beat Haruto.

DONALD GORGE

You have one more chance. Boston, Fenway

Park, two weeks from now, the “Fenway

Frank Battle.” It’s our last qualifying

event for Nathan’s. Train, go up there,

win and you’re in.

BILLY

I don’t know.


DONALD GORGE

Well Billy, again, you don’t really have

a choice. So get to practicing.

INT. – JUNIOR’S RESTAURANT, BROOKLYN

Billy and Lori are in mid-conversation while having lunch

in a crowded restaurant.

BILLY

I’m thinking about going AWOL.

LORI

AWOL? From what?

BILLY

From Major League Eating.

LORI

AWOL sounds pretty serious.

BILLY

It is.

LORI

Can you even go AWOL in something like

this? I thought that was just a military

thing.

BILLY

I’d have to, they have me locked into a

contract that I can’t get out of.

LORI

Why do you want to run away?

BILLY

It’s not running away, it’s quitting

then hiding, a big difference.

LORI

Doesn’t sound that different.

BILLY

It is, it’s just tough to explain.

LORI

Try me, I’ve got time.


BILLY

Please, you don’t need to hear about my

troubles, you probably have enough of

your own.

LORI

Not anymore.

BILLY

What do you mean?

LORI

I kicked David out.

BILLY

You did? Why? He seemed so not right

for you, but I just didn’t know you

knew that yet.

LORI

Yeah, well I know now. He finally

admitted that he banged a stripper

while he was at that bachelor party

in Montreal.

BILLY

Of course he did! That’s why you go to

Montreal. But why did he admit it?

LORI

Seems he was still talking to her, she

texted him while he was in the bathroom

at a restaurant, I accidently saw it

because the dumbass left his phone on

the table.

(pauses)

He went up to Montreal two other times

to visit her, they were planning another

trip. I didn’t know any of it. Asshole.

BILLY

Oh, ouch. That sucks.

LORI

Yeah, it’s for the best though long term,

I guess, I hope. I checked myself out,

I don’t have the HIV, so that’s good.


BILLY

That is good, congrats on that.

LORI

Anyways, he can go up there as much as

he’d like now. But enough about me,

tell me why you’re being a bitch about

this whole competitive eating thing?

BILLY

I’m not being a bitch.

LORI

Kind of sounds like you’re being a bitch.

BILLY

I got offered a job in Maine working as

a lumberjack.

LORI

Wait…what? What the hell are you talking

about?

BILLY

You heard me.

LORI

I know but I just don’t believe it, a

lumberjack? Do those even exist anymore?

BILLY

Yeah, but machines do most of the work now,

however, I’d still get the chance to play

with a chainsaw.

LORI

Well that’s good I guess, but how did this

ever come about?

BILLY

I was in the library the other day, playing

around on that internet thing you showed me

and I found this job.

LORI

We have a library around here? Who knew?

BILLY

I didn’t until last week.


LORI

So you got the job?

BILLY

Yes, I guess there’s not a lot of people

looking to go into the field of lumber-

jacking these days. Apparently it’s cold,

dark and depressing, not to mention lonely.

Right up my alley.

LORI

Do they pay well at least?

BILLY

No. Not at all.

LORI

So why do you want to do this? Why

do you want to leave the MLE? Most

importantly, why do you want to move

so far away from your friends?

BILLY

Because I can’t win…and maybe it’ll be

good for me to have a fresh start some-

where else.

LORI

Billy, but you’re so good at competitive

eating.

BILLY

No I’m not.

LORI

Do you ever listen to the shit that comes

out of your mouth?

BILLY

Occasionally.

LORI

You are good. In fact, the latest issue

of Competitive Eating Quarterly has you

ranked #7 in the world…in the world, not

just in New York, not just in America,

not just in the Western Hemisphere, in

the world!


BILLY

You read that rag?

LORI

Well it was on your coffee table last

time I was there, so I thumbed through

it when you went to your room to master-

bate.

BILLY

(nervously laughs)

Lori, ha, I did no such thing.

(Lori stares him down)

OK fine. How did you know?

LORI

I could hear you moaning from the living

room. The point is, you’re not good at

competitive eating, you’re great!

BILLY

Yeah, but as Ricky Bobby’s dad says,

“if you’re not first, you’re last.”

LORI

Ricky Bobby’s dad also later said he

was full of shit, that you could be

second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth,

or, in your case, seventh.

BILLY

He did? I must’ve been taking a leak

during that scene.

LORI

Or masturbating. Billy, you can’t live

your life because of what you saw in a

movie.

BILLY

I can’t?

LORI

No. You have to live your life for you,

and what you want to do, and what makes

you happy.

BILLY

I’d be happier if I started winning.


LORI

I know deep down you like the MLE, it

gives you a sense of purpose which you

desperately need. Give it a little more

time, for me. At least through the

Fenway event this weekend. If you win

that, you’re in Nathan’s on the 4th,

competing in front of all your family

and hometown friends. Think of how cool

that’d be.

BILLY

But I have to face Haruto to get through.

He’s a tough out.

LORI

Think positive and positive things will

happen. OK?

Billy can’t resist Lori’s infectious smile.

BILLY

OK, I’ll put lumberjacking on hold for

now and we’ll see how Fenway goes.

Lori leans over and gives Billy a kiss on the cheek.

LORI

Yay! Now let’s eat.

EXT. – YAWKEY WAY, OUTSIDE OF FENWAY PARK - DAY

It’s a Red Sox game day and the street is packed with FANS

dressed in Boston gear. In the middle is a stage that’s

draped in American flags with a banner flying above that

says “Fenway Frank Battle.”

Billy is standing nervously off to the side of the stage

waiting to take his spot when Donald approaches.

DONALD GORGE

Billy, I have some good news for you.

BILLY

What’s that?

DONALD GORGE

Haruto has a slight back strain from

(MORE)



training, apparently he was practicing

his wiggle just a little too hard yesterday,

so as a precautionary measure he’s going

to sit out today. He already qualified

for Nathan’s a long time ago so his

standing in that remains unaffected. He

will be 100% and ready to go for the 4th.

BILLY

He’s not competing today?

DONALD GORGE

Nope, that doesn’t mean you have a walk

in the park though. Still a lot of great

competitors in the line-up; Hippo, The

Glutton, Slim Lady, Spearmint Rhinoceros

and The Praying Mantis are all competing.

They’ve all qualified for Nathan’s through

other events, but they’re here and they’re

hungry.

BILLY

So Haruto’s not here?

DONALD GORGE

Well I didn’t say that. He’ll be in

the audience cheering on the contestants.

BILLY

He will?

DONALD GORGE

Yeah, he’s very enthusiastic about it too.

BILLY

(sarcastically)

Oh great.

DONALD GORGE

(looks at his watch)

It’s time now, go take your place.

Donald walks up on stage, along with the other competitors,

and grabs a microphone.

DONALD GORGE

Welcome ladies and gentlemen, boys and

(MORE)



girls, to today’s doubleheader at Fenway

Park! In an hour, the Boston Red Sox

will take on the hated New York Yankees

only a few steps from us in fabled and

famed Fenway Park, but now Major League

Eating is proud to bring you the “Fenway

Frank Battle” right here on Yawkey Way

in the non-geographical center of the

U.S., the cradle of democracy, the heart

and soul of America, that’s right folks,

we’re in Boston, Massachusetts! Home

of The Mayflower, Plymouth Rock, Paul

Revere’s ride, the Boston Tea Party,

the American Revolution, and now an

event of equal, if not greater, historical

importance, the Fenway Frank Battle!

No doubt if Paul Revere was alive today,

he would ride through the streets of

Boston not shouting “The British are

coming,” but shouting “Major League

Eating is Here!” You’ve met our

competitors during the pre-show

introductions, so without further ado,

let’s put ten minutes on the clock…and

let’s get up to see some hot dogs go

down!

The clock begins its countdown and just as the competitors

start chowing down, Haruto, with his mustard yellow belt

draped over his shoulder, pushes his way through the crowd

to get up close to the stage.

He immediately starts a ruckus by heckling the competitors,

mainly Billy, and playing to the crowd.

HARUTO

They’re all just competing for second

place! Everyone knows who the real

champ is! That’s right Billy, I’m

talking to you too! You suck and your

hot dog eating technique is shit.

(kisses his belt)

You want this but you’re not going to

get it. This is mine to keep.

Billy does his best to ignore him as he continues ripping

his hot dog in two and eating it followed by soaking his

bun in water and eating that.


HARUTO

(looks around the crowd)

Hey guys, hey guys, I didn’t know they

could stack shit that high up here in

Boston, he’s like the Leaning Tower of

Shit up there.

Getting a little annoyed, Billy grabs a hot dog and throws

it at Haruto. This just eggs him on more.

HARUTO

Ohh look at the little baby! Do you

think I’m hurting fat boy’s feelings?

Well suck it up, you need mental tough-

ness if you want to be an elite Major

League Eating athlete like me. Check

it out, check it out everybody, Humpty

Dumpty stood on a stage, Humpty Dumpty

is a fat fuck, sorry that’s all I got,

I don’t rhyme, I’m not a poet, I’m an

eater.

Haruto looks at the scoreboard five minutes in and sees the

leader, Spearmint Rhinoceros, has eaten 25 hot dogs.

HARUTO (cont’d)

25! Only 25 hot dogs! You bitches are

so far behind my world record pace. Do

you even know how to eat hot dogs? How

do you even stand a chance against me

at Coney Island? They should just give

me the win now, save everyone their time

and effort. Don’t bother coming to Coney

Island folks, spend that time barbecuing

at home with your family and friends

because there won’t be any competition.

Donald quietly inches his way through the crowd over to

Haruto.

DONALD GORGE

(whispers)

Haruto, settle down. Just stick to your

script. Remember those assholes that

come to Coney Island help pay your salary.

HARUTO

Let me be me.


DONALD GORGE

I can, but to a point. Calm down or I’ll

be forced to fine you for conduct un-

becoming of a Major League Eater.

Donald stares Haruto down at which point he acquiesces.

HARUTO

OK…OK, I will.

Billy continues scarfing down hot dogs as Haruto settles

down.

Haruto whispers to a young TEENAGER standing next to him.

HARUTO

Don’t get it twisted, I am the real champ.

YOUNG TEENAGER

Whatever dork.

DONALD GORGE (O.S.)

30 seconds! 30 seconds remaining.

Dennis, Gary and Lori are rooting Billy on from the crowd,

far from Haruto.

DENNIS

Come on Billy, you can do it!

Billy sneaks a peek out of the corner of his eye to see

Spearmint Rhinoceros furiously downing hot dogs, this makes

him speed up his pace for a last minute rush to the finish.

DONALD GORGE (O.S.)

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. OK, dogs

down!

Billy immediately looks at the scoreboard as soon as the

contest ends. Him and Spearmint are both tied at 51, but

suddenly Billy’s score increases to 52.

He raises his arms in victory as his three friends cheer

him on!

GARY

Alright Billy! It’s your world, we’re

just eating in it!


DONALD GORGE (O.S.)

What a competition! It came right down

to the wire between Billy Henderson and

“The Spearmint Rhinoceros” Joey Spearmint.

But in a squeaker, in a photo finish, in

a “too close to call” race, in a “let’s

go the videotape,” in an instant reply

review, Billy Henderson wins by a dog!

Give it up for Billy Henderson! He has

now qualified for the last spot at the

Nathan’s World Famous 4th of July Hot

Dog Eating contest!

Billy walks to the edge of the stage to greet his friends,

and give them high fives. Then he turns his back so he

stage dive onto them.

His friends, wisely, try to talk him out of it.

DENNIS

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what the hell are you

doing?

BILLY

I’m stage diving to celebrate!

GARY

The fuck you’re not!

BILLY

Come on guys, you can lift me no problem.

DENNIS

No.

Dennis and Gary walk away leaving Billy stranded on the

stage.

BILLY

Guys, guys come back!

DENNIS

(waves him off)

Nah that’s OK, we’ll see you back in

Boston.

BILLY

But you’re my ride.


Donald walks on stage, raises Billy’s arm and hands him the

Fenway Frank Battle Trophy featuring two hot dogs in buns

with arms and legs boxing each other.

DONALD GORGE

Congratulations Billy, you did it. I’ll

see you in Coney Island.

A single tear forms in the corner of Billy’s eye and drips

down his cheek.

BILLY

Thank you sir.

As Donald walks off the stage, Haruto jumps up onto it and

gets in Billy’s face. He’s literally foaming at the mouth.

HARUTO

You might’ve won the battle, but I’ll

win the war…and that war is Coney Island.

I’m going to bomb on you, payback for

Nagasaki bitch. I am the champ and I

will be the champ for years to come.

Haruto stares him down, inching closer and closer to

Billy’s face until his eyes are literally an inch away from

his chin.

BILLY

Get lost.

Billy casually pushes Haruto off the stage and walks away

with his trophy.

Having fallen to the ground and looking disheveled, Haruto

stands back up and shouts out to Billy.

HARUTO

You think you can intimidate me? I’m

the intimidator! I own the mustard

yellow belt! I am everything and you

are nothing! You’re shit, you don’t even

know how to efficiently eat a hot dog!

You’re a loser and you always will be a

loser!

Billy who’s walking away from Haruto just puts his arm up

and flips him off without even breaking stride.


HARUTO

I’ll see you in Coney Island bitch!

INT. – CONEY ISLAND CIRCUS SIDESHOW THEATER

Billy, Dennis, Gary and Lori are sitting in the front row

of the theater watching the freak show performance.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES

And for our last performance of the show,

meet Wanda, she has this amazing death-

defying talent that is sure to please

you all.

WANDA, a very attractive Eastern European woman wearing a

red sequined dress, walks onto the stage.

WANDA

Hello all, let’s get right down to it,

I’m looking for a fat guy in the audience,

is there any fat guy in the audience who

would like to come to the stage and help

me out?

Dennis pushes Billy to try to get him to stand up but he

refuses to budge.

WANDA

Anyone, anyone at all? Come on people,

this is America in the year 2014, I’m

sure there are plenty of fat guys in

the audience.

Dennis continues to push Billy to no avail.

DENNIS

Come on Billy, get up there.

BILLY

I’m not fat though, she asked for a fat

guy, I don’t want to lie to her.

DENNIS

Billy, I love you but you’re fat.

BILLY

I’m hefty, not fat.

Wanda notices Dennis pushing Billy.


WANDA

You there…yes you. You fit my

qualifications. Come on up!

Billy shakes his head no.

LORI

Come on Billy, go up there, it’ll be fun.

WANDA

What’s your name?

BILLY

Billy.

WANDA

Crowd, do you want to see Billy come up

here?

The crowd applauds which finally makes Billy sheepishly

stand up and walk onto the stage.

WANDA

Thank you Billy for being a good sport

and team player. Billy, you see a bed

of nails in front of us, do you know what

you’ll have to do?

BILLY

I hope I don’t have to lie on it, but

I’m guessing I do.

WANDA

Nonsense, I’m the talent here so I do

the tough stuff. No, I’m going to be

the one lying on it, you’re only job is

to stand on me for five seconds while

I do it.

BILLY

You want me to stand on you? But that

would hurt you even if a bed of nails

weren’t involved.

WANDA

Let me worry about that. So are you ready?


BILLY

I guess the real question is if you’re

ready.

WANDA

Oh, I’m ready.

Wanda lays chest down on the bed of nails.

WANDA

OK, get on and count to five. God I hope

I don’t puncture my breast implants!

Billy stands there thinking about standing on her.

WANDA

Come on, what are you waiting for?

Don’t be a wimp! This can only hurt

me, not you. My tits won’t pop, I’ve

done this a million times before.

Billy carefully steps up on her back and stands there for

five seconds.

BILLY

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Billy gets off her back then Wanda stands up and takes a

bow to the raucous applause of the audience.

WANDA

Ladies and gentlemen, please thank my

very helpful assistant, Billy!

Wanda gives Billy a kiss on the cheek before leading him

off the stage.

She takes one more bow before walking off as the MC comes

back.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES

Ladies and gentlemen please give a loud

round of applause to all our performers

tonight. Remember, the show runs

continuous all day long so you can stay

as long as you’d like, however we will

be taking a ten minute break to rest

our talents.


All of the PERFORMERS come out on stage to take a bow and

show off their unique talents again - there’s the FIRE

EATER, SWORD SWALLOWER, HUMAN CONTORTIONIST that puts his

body through a tennis racket, guy that eats cigarettes and

razor blades, Wanda who walks on a bed of nails, a KNIFE

JUGGLER, and a woman that walks on broken glass.

As the performers are still on stage, Lori looks over to

Billy and points to the door, signifying that they’re going

to leave.

The four of them stand up and crouch down so that they

don’t block anyone’s view as they leave the theater.

EXT. – CONEY ISLAND BOARDWALK – NIGHT

The four friends are leisurely walking down the boardwalk

eating ice cream cones after the show.

LORI

So are you ready for tomorrow?

BILLY

Yeah, I think I am. The freak show

definitely relaxed me.

DENNIS

You nervous?

BILLY

Yeah, this is my hometown, I don’t want

to embarrass myself in front of the

hometown crowd.

LORI

You won’t embarrass yourself.

DENNIS

I don’t know how you do it.

BILLY

Do what?

DENNIS

Do eating competitions when you’re nervous.

BILLY

What do you mean?


DENNIS

Eating when you’re nervous. Remember

back in sixth grade when I won the

school spelling bee and it put me in

the competition for the entire Kings

County district? I was nervous as shit,

knowing that I had to stand up in front

of a gymnasium full of people and spell.

I didn’t eat for two days before that,

so I can’t imagine how you do it, because

after all, you ain’t spelling, you’re

eating.

BILLY

It’s all about concentration. Look at

that girl from the freak show who I

stood on. She was laying on a damn bed

of nails. You don’t think that hurt?

Hell yeah I bet it hurt, but it’s all

about concentration. Being an athlete,

competing at the highest levels, is 90%

mental, 10% physical.

GARY

I still can’t take you seriously when you

call yourself an athlete.

BILLY

But I am. I didn’t believe it at first

but being on this circuit for the months

I’ve been doing it has really changed my

world view of things.

GARY

Damn, you’re drinking the Kool-Aid these

days, they’ve brainwashed you.

LORI

Yeah, what gives? Just a few weeks ago

you wanted out of MLE.

BILLY

It’s intoxicating to win. I’ve changed

after the Fenway Frank Battle…but unless

I beat Haruto I really won’t know how

good I am, or even if I am any good.

DENNIS

He’s in your head isn’t he?


BILLY

Yeah, he is.

DENNIS

How can you let that little taint get

in your head?

BILLY

Because he’s the champion, that’s why.

And he’s got something I want, that god

damn mustard yellow belt. Winning that

will validate that my life was not lived

in vain, it’ll prove that I finally have

a purpose, that I was put on this earth

for something, for some reason…to eat.

GARY

I guess there’s worse reasons to be on

this earth.

BILLY

There are. I at least can bring joy to

people in 5 to 10 minute spurts. I

transport people out of their shitty

world for a little bit and into another

place.

DENNIS

You’re being to sound delusional.

GARY

Beginning? He’s already there.

LORI

Guys, I think you’re missing the point

in all this. Billy’s finding a purpose

in life, and that’s all that matters.

This is a good thing.

BILLY

But I have to beat Haruto tomorrow to

see the purpose through.

LORI

You’ll do it, I have faith.

BILLY

God I hope so, I really want this. I

(MORE)


BILLY (cont’d)

mean I don’t remember the last time I

really wanted something, my life has

been so mundane up until now. It feels

good to want something. And I want this.

LORI

OK, to tomorrow then.

DENNIS

To tomorrow.

Lori holds her ice cream cone out and does a cone cheers

with the other three friends.

LORI, BILLY, GARY

To tomorrow.

LORI

(smiles)

Go get ‘em and become the top dog

tomorrow Billy.

EXT. – CORNER OF SURF & STILLWELL AVE, CONEY ISLAND – DAY

It’s the 4th of July and there are about 50,000 spectators

packed into the streets to witness the famed hot dog

contest.

Donald Gorge is standing on center stage holding a

microphone and dressed as Uncle Sam.

DONALD GORGE

(shouts)

Joe DiMaggio, Lou Gehrig, Deter Jeter,

Joe Namath, Lawrence Taylor, Babe Ruth,

Mark Messier, Donny Baseball, Walt

Frazier, Mickey Mantle, Willy Mays,

Willis Reed and today’s winner of the

Nathan’s Famous 4th of July Hot Dog

Eating Contest, all will go down in

infamy with New York City sports fans.

No, not just New York City, American

sports fans, no not just American sports

fans, worldwide sports fans, no forget

about just worldwide sports fans, sports

fans throughout the entire Milky Way

galaxy! Goooooooood afternoon, Coney

(MORE)



Island and welcome to the annual


Eating Contest, where dreams are made

and legends are born! Please give an

enthusiastic welcome to our competitors!

Coming to the stage is our first

competitor. His stomach contains more

random items than a great white shark.

Word has it an x-ray once revealed a

Mississippi license plate and a live

frog living in his belly, he is “The

Spearmint Rhinoceros” Joey Spearmint!

Joey Spearmint high-fives spectators as he makes his way

through the crowd and onto the stage.


Legend has it our next competitor’s

first act out of the womb was to eat

three hot dogs then wash them down

with raspberry lemonade. From there

it was clear a star was born. She’s

slim lady, yes she’s the real lady,

all you other slim ladies are just

imitating so won’t the real slim

lady please stand up, please stand

up, please stand up. Give it up for

Nancy “The Real Slim Lady” Bitterman!

Nancy stands up from her seat, shoots Donald a pose then

makes her way through the crowd and onto the stage.


He is determined to never eat anything

healthy and swallows lard by the gallon.

Scientists say that the largest land

animals in the world are the African

elephant, the Asian elephant, the

rhinoceros and him. He is Tommy

“The Hungry, Hungry Hippo” Potamus.

Tommy wipes his bald head down with his towel and then

throws it into the crowd as he makes his way towards the

stage.


She has killed more men in her lifetime

(MORE)



than heart disease and prostate cancer

combined, but impressively enough she’s

killed even more hot dogs. Make no

mistake guys, and consider this fair

warning, she is so dedicated to her

craft that she will eat you after any

type of fornication or copulation. Her

birth certificate was lost on the day

she was born then her parents were lost

the next year in the Bermuda triangle,

thus she has no idea what her real name

is. Ergo, she goes by the name, “The

Praying Mantis.”

The Praying Mantis, dressed as a Goth chick with heavy

black makeup, makes her way menacingly though the crowd not

acknowledging anyone as she heads to the stage.


From parts unknown, even though his

hometown is mentioned in his nickname,

this man is the ultimate warrior in

the world of competitive eating. He

is the greatest export from Great

Britain since the Beatles, he is “The

Glutton from Sutton” Charles Chesterfield.

Charles politely shakes spectators hands as he makes his

way through the crowd and towards the stage.


He makes no apologies for being fat,

he says it’s just more of him to love.

The hometown hero that loves to eat

heroes. From right down the street

in Bay Ridge, ladies and gentlemen

you know him, you love him, and if

you don’t know him you’d love him

anyways, Billy Henderson!

Billy is on one knee doing a quick prayer as Donald gives

his intro. He does a sign of the cross, points to the sky

then stands up and enthusiastically runs through the crowd.

Lori intercepts Billy and plants a big kiss on his cheek.


LORI

Good luck Billy, I know you’re going to

kick ass.

Billy rubs his cheek.

BILLY

Thanks, that was a nice kiss.

LORI

Well if you liked that, you’ll love this.

Lori grabs Billy’s head and kisses him on the lips.

BILLY

(shocked)

Oh, that was nice too.

LORI

Go up there and do what you’re destined

to do.

BILLY

I will.

Dennis and Gary walk over to Lori dumbfounded as Billy

leaps onto the stage.

DENNIS

Did I just see what I thought I saw?

LORI

I just wanted to give him some confidence,

some inspiration, that’s all.

DENNIS

I sense there was more to that though.

LORI

Perhaps.

GARY

Consider my mind blown.

LORI

Shut up and just watch the contest.


DONALD GORGE

And now coming to the stage, he is the

modern day Kim Jong-il of America, he

has bowled a perfect game blindfolded,

he twice made five hole in ones during

the same round of golf, he has had over

35 books on the New York Times bestseller

list, he has bedded over 20,000 women,

many by way of threesomes, he invented

the hamburger years before inventing the

internet, he once solved a Rubik’s cube

even before being handed it, he once

wrote, directed and starred in a four

hour opera based on his own life, he

has successfully brokered world peace,

and in his spare time he is the reigning

world champion of the Nathan’s Famous 4th

of July Hot Dog Eating Contest. This man

has caused more damage and disruption

across the earth than all the storms

in the history of the world combined,

please welcome to the stage the seven-

time defending Nathan’s Famous 4th of

July hot dog eating champion and world

record holder, Haruto “The Typhoon”

Matsusaka!

Haruto is led through the crowd on a platform carried by

four people. He’s wearing a crown and purple velvet robe

with his mustard yellow belt around his waist while James

Brown’s “Living in America” plays.

He gets on the stage and immediately starts playing up to

the crowd and cockily doing his victory dance.

Two little ASIAN GIRLS walk up and hand him a dozen roses.

A FEMALE ESPN REPORTER approaches Billy on stage to

interview him.

FEMALE ESPN REPORTER

Billy Henderson, you’re such a great

story young man. A hometown kid that

recently made it on the competitive

eating circuit and here you are now

competing in front of your family and

friends, competing in the world famous

Nathan’s hot dog eating contest. Tell

me, how have you been preparing for today.


BILLY

First off, thank you Sandy for the kind

words. I’ve been practicing, I’ve been

fasting, I’ve been exercising, I’ve been

downing ice cream to expand my stomach,

I’ve been meditating and praying, I’m

ready for this.


Thanks Billy, and good luck to you.

The reporter turns to Haruto as Billy walks away.


Haruto, you’re the current world record

holder in hot dog eating and you’re

going for an unprecedented eighth title

in a row here at Nathan’s, how are you

feeling today?

HARUTO

I feel unbeatable. The weather’s perfect,

the hot dogs look good, good consistency,

I’m going to take down 75 of them,

guaranteed.


You sound pretty confident.

HARUTO

It’s tough not to be when you’re me.


How do you feel about your competitors?

HARUTO

They suck, they’re not in my league.

Especially that bitch boy Billy Henderson.


I’m sorry Haruto but you can’t use that

kind of language on live television.

Haruto points to his mustard yellow belt.

HARUTO

The hell I can’t, when you have this

beauty wrapped around your waist you

can do whatever you want.


The reporter abruptly cuts the interview short.


OK, let’s go back to the stage where

Donald Gorge of Major League Eating is

set to read the rules of the competition.

DONALD GORGE

Competitors you were all told the rules

earlier today backstage but for the

benefit of our audience here and for

the billions watching across the world

in over 200 countries, within seven

continents and on three planets, I will

repeat those rules now. Competitors must

eat both the hot dog and accompanying bun.

There is a 10 minute time limit. Dunking

of food may not exceed five seconds.

And of course there is an automatic

disqualification for a reversal of

fortune. Does everyone understand the

rules as I’ve laid them out here?

COMPETITORS

Yes.

DONALD GORGE

Good, then it’s time! Ladies and gentle-

men welcome again to the 323rd annual


Eating Contest. In a minute you’re

going to see our seven competitors compete

in one of the most grueling athletic

competitions of all time, they’ve come

from all over the world to compete for

you and for the honor of hoisting the

world infamous mustard yellow belt over

their head. Now, without further ado,

competitors ready?

The competitors all give him a thumbs up as the official

scorers take their place in front of each person. Standing

behind each competitor is a scantily-clad PROMO GIRL

holding a flipboard to keep track of the hot dogs eaten.

Lori, Dennis and Gary inch their way through the crowd to

get close to the stage, in front of Billy.


LORI

Good luck Billy!

Billy smiles and winks at her.

DENNIS

He’s looking good up there.

GARY

Yeah, he’s not sweating any more than

usual. I mean, he’s sweating, don’t

get me wrong, but not any more than on

an average day.

Billy grabs a towel that’s laying on the table next to him

and wipes down his forehead.

DONALD GORGE

Begin!

The clock starts it’s countdown from ten minutes as the

competitors jump into their hot dogs.

Each one has their own distinct technique; dancing,

shimmying, swaying, jumping up and down, whatever it takes

to get the hot dog down their throats.

DONALD GORGE

And we’re off! The Typhoon is looking

great out the gate with his patented

conscious uncoupling technique of bun

and hot dog.

Gary winces as he watches up close the competitors spit up

the hot dogs and force them back into their mouths.

GARY

You know Lori, you’re ex-boyfriend was

a complete squid but I’ll give him one

thing, he was right when he said this

competitive eating stuff is disgusting.

LORI

Come on Gary, be supportive.

DENNIS

I will say though, The Praying Mantis is

a little hottie.


GARY

You can’t be serious.

DENNIS

I am, there’s something oddly seductive

about the way she shoves hot dogs down

her throat.

LORI

Ew, gross.

DENNIS

What? She’s sexy.

GARY

She’s also a killer.

DENNIS

Come on, you really think she’s killed

more men than heart disease and prostate

cancer combined? That’s just hyperbole,

for promotional purposes.

Gary stares at The Praying Mantis as she shoves hot dog

after hot dog down her throat.

GARY

Maybe, but I wouldn’t be surprised.

DENNIS

Even if it’s true, that’s still way hot.

LORI

(claps)


Billy’s taking in two hot dogs at a time then dips his two

buns into a cup of lemonade before eating them.

DONALD GORGE

We have a truly great competition here

folks, desire, determination, destiny,

it’s all on display here today. Every-

one competing here today has talents,

it’s just going to come down to who

wants the most. The Olympics have

nothing on The Nathan’s.


Haruto, who’s competing next to Billy, looks over to his

plate and sneakily knocks a couple of his hot dogs onto the

ground. Billy and his friends notice this.

LORI

(turns to Dennis and Gary)

Did you see that? Did you see what he

did? Cheater! You’re a cheater!

GARY

(shouts)

Bring that shit to me bitch! Bring that

shit to me!

BILLY

(looks at Haruto)

Keep it up and I’ll knock you into the

Atlantic.

HARUTO

I didn’t do nothing.

BILLY

Worry about yourself asshole.

Billy goes back to downing hot dogs two at a time.

DONALD GORGE

It looks like it’s getting a little testy

up here on the stage folks. It’s street

eating at its meanest. That’s bound to

happen when you’re at the pinnacle event

in your profession and you want to win.

I’ll tell you what folks, you came to a

great event today. The sun is shining,

the dogs are flowing and the burps are

flying. We’re half way through the

competition and Haruto has a five hot

dog lead over The Spearmint Rhinoceros.

Hometown hero Billy Henderson is only

six behind but will he have the stamina

to have a strong showing in the second

half? He is the least experienced of

any of the competitors here so it’ll be

interesting to see if his conditioning

becomes a factor in the last few minutes.

Remember folks, competitive eating is as

much mental training as it is physical

(MORE)



eating. The mental aspect is what

separates the men from the boys, the

women from the girls, the gluttons from

the casual eaters.

Billy takes a quick breather and has a sip of lemonade.

DENNIS

Aww man, he’s slowing down, he’s slowing

down.

LORI

No he’s not, he’s getting his second wind!

Billy then grabs two more hot dogs and eats them quickly,

followed by the soaked buns, then immediately grabs two

more hot dogs and eats them.

DONALD GORGE

And Billy Henderson is coming on strong!

Where is he getting this endurance from?!

For those wondering at home, we take

competition very seriously and do drug

test here at Major League Eating. Random

drug testing takes place at least twice

a year and we look for the existence of

any performance-enhancing drugs in the

bloodstream, human growth hormones,

methamphetamines, pain killers, sedatives,

diuretics, horse tranquilizers, blood

boosters, we test for all it. Except

marijuana because, of course, we

encourage the munchies. Enough about

that though, back to the action! Haruto

still has a lead but hometown hero Billy

Henderson continues to come on strong,

he’s tied for second, only three hot

dogs behind your leader, The Typhoon.

LORI

(claps louder)

Come on Billy! Come on! I’ll show you

my breasts if you win!

Billy hears this and stops eating mid hot dog to shoot a

confused look at Lori. After a moment he goes back to

eating.


DENNIS

What the hell was that?

LORI

Just trying to give him encouragement,

anyway I can.

GARY

Well can I see your breasts? I feel like

I need encouragement too.

LORI

(slaps Gary)

Shut up Gary.

DONALD GORGE

Ladies and gentlemen, we’re coming down

the home stretch! Only thirty seconds

left!

DENNIS

He’s still behind. He’s got to catch up.

LORI


DENNIS

Let’s go Billy!

GARY

Kick his ass Billy!

Billy is furiously stuffing hot dogs into his mouth while

Haruto does the same.

DONALD GORGE

And hometown hero Billy Henderson has

overtaken The Spearmint Rhinoceros to

take over sole possession of second

place but he’s still two hot dogs

behind The Typhoon with ten seconds

left, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Dogs down!

Billy finishes chewing the last hot dog in his mouth then

turns around to check the flipboards.

He sees that his score is 70 vs. Haruto’s 71 and

immediately becomes deflated.


DONALD GORGE

What an amazing competition folks,

unbelievable, unfathomable,

unconsciousable. You’ve witnessed

history here folks, the unofficial

results show that The Typhoon has

eaten 71 hot dogs! We will check

with the official scorers to confirm

the results.

Haruto turns to Billy, still with a mouthful of hot dogs,

and flips him off.

HARUTO

Ha, ha! Screw you fat boy! I’m the

greatest ever! How does my ass taste

bitch?

Billy just stands on the stage sulking.

LORI

That’s OK Billy, you did good. No

shame with 70 hot dogs.

Donald walks over to Haruto carrying a trophy and the

mustard yellow belt.

DONALD GORGE

And it’s official ladies and gentlemen,

with 71 hot dogs consumed, this year’s

champion is a name we’re all familiar

with, the defending champ, Haruto

“The Typhoon” Matsusaka!

Donald raises his arm in victory as the ESPN reporter walks

over to interview him.


Haruto, outstanding performance again,

what would you like to say to the audience

at home watching you complete such an

astounding feat.

Haruto takes the microphone but then he suddenly grabs his

stomach, stumbles across the stage, chokes, heaves and

pukes up a couple of hot dogs as the crowd gasps.


DONALD GORGE

Ohh no, ohh no, a reversal of fortune!

A reversal of fortune! What an un-

believable turn of events, what an upset!

Haruto has puked up two hot dogs, Haruto

is disqualified! Hometown hero Billy

Henderson is the new champion! Billy

Henderson is also the new world record

holder in hot dog eating! He is the man!

He is a living god! He’s Ra, the god of

the sun and he’s sitting on the Mount

Olympus of Major League Eating.

Billy’s sourpuss quickly turns to elation as he jumps up

and down upon hearing the news.

He runs over to Donald, gives him a hug and grabs the

trophy and belt from him.

Haruto throws a temper tantrum on the stage, kicking the

table, punching the wall and stamping his feet, upset that

he lost.

The reporter walks over to Billy for an interview.


Congratulations Billy, what a great

performance. What do you have to say

for yourself?

BILLY

Dreams do come true, that’s really all

I have to say. For the kids at home,

keep believing and positive things will

happen. Even rejects can have their day

in the sun.


Anyone out there that you want to

specifically thank?

BILLY

Of course Donald Gorge of Major League

Eating for believing in me and giving

me a chance. My parents, all my friends

in the 718, especially Dennis and Gary.

But I’d like to give a special shout

out to my friend Lori, she is the wind

(MORE)


BILLY (cont’d)

beneath my wings, the angel on my

shoulder and she’s always been there

and supported me, through good times,

through bad times, and believe me,

there’s been a lot of bad times, but

to her credit she’s always been able

to make those times good. I love you

Lori.

Lori is standing in the crowd with a big smile on her face

and a tear trickling down her cheek.


Spoken like a true gentleman, congrats

again Billy and good luck in your

future competitive eating endeavors.

BILLY

Thank you Sandy.

Before Billy walks off the stage to join his friends, he

turns back to Haruto.

BILLY

Oh, and Haruto, kiss my ass you puking

bitch.

Billy flips him off to wild cheers from the crowd before

leaving the stage and joining in a group hug with Dennis,

Gary and Lori.

DENNIS

Way to go Billy!

BILLY

Thanks.

LORI

Did you mean everything you said up there?

BILLY

Did you mean that kiss before the contest?

LORI

Yes.

BILLY

Yes.


LORI

You’re my hero Billy.

BILLY

And you’re my love Lori.

Lori and Billy embrace in a hug and deep, passionate kiss.

GARY

He’s the greatest of all time!

Dennis and Gary try picking Billy up but after a few failed

attempts they give up and just hug him.

Billy triumphantly raises his mustard yellow belt over his

head as the crowd roars in approval. Lori puts her arms

around his waist and gives him a kiss on the cheek.

FADE OUT

Outtakes from several endorsement deals that Billy made in

the wake of his Nathan’s success.

INT. – TGI FRIDAY’S RESTAURANT

Billy is standing awkwardly in front of a camera just about

to shoot a commercial for TGI Friday’s.

A man walks in front of the camera with a clapboard to

begin the taping.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR

Billy Henderson promoting endless

appetizers for $10 at TGI Friday’s,

take one.

TGI FRIDAY’S DIRECTOR (O.S.)

And action.

BILLY

(awkwardly)

Hi America, I’m Billy Henderson, you

might know me as a world champion hot

dog eater but when I’m not competing

I’m just your average, everyday guy

going to TGI Friday’s for their endless

appetizers for $10. When you talk about

game changing experiences, this is the

(MORE)


BILLY (cont’d)

beginning and the end. You want eight

loaded potato skins? OK, ten dollars.

You want fifteen loaded potato skins?

Ten Dollars. You want twenty loaded

potato skins? OK, you might have a

serious problem and die of a heart

attack, but still, only ten dollars!

And don’t get me started on the other

apps like pan-seared pot stickers,

mozzarella sticks, garlic and basil

bruschetta, Tuscan spinach dip, and

much, much more, all for only $10!

So stop on by TGI Friday’s and enjoy

gluttony at its best.

TGI FRIDAY’S DIRECTOR (O.S.)

And cut!

Billy looks off screen to the guys running the cameras.

BILLY

You know I tried to get a job as a

server here eight months ago but they

said I didn’t have the personality to

work here so they didn’t hire me.

Screw them. But I do appreciate the

paycheck right now, but still fuck them.

INT. – MEN’S WEARHOUSE

Billy is awkwardly standing in the middle of a Men’s

Wearhouse, dressed in a super tight-fitting tuxedo,

shooting a commercial.

BILLY

Are you big? Are you tall? Are you

fat? Are you lazy? Well if you

answered yes to all of those questions

and you need to get a suit or tuxedo

for your next wedding or funeral then

come on down to Men’s Wearhouse.

Billy poses in his tuxedo by flexing his muscles and

tearing the arms of the suit revealing his sweaty armpits

soaking through his shirt.


BILLY (cont’d)

If I look good in this, you will too.

You’re gonna like the way you look, I

guarantee it.

INT. – KFC RESTAURANT

Billy is filming another commercial, this time at a KFC.

BILLY

Fuck Subway, yeah I said it, fuck Subway,

it’s like eating six or twelve inches of

cardboard when you go there. Am I right?

Don’t you want to have taste when you’ve

pass along you’re hard earned money?

Don’t you want the savory taste of some-

thing in your mouth that doesn’t suck

when you put food in you? Oh, you do,

right? I thought so. So, if you love

life, if you love food and you’re a red-

blooded American, then come to KFC, and

again, fuck Subway.

KFC DIRECTOR (O.S.)

OK cut, let’s do that again but without

any of the vulgarities.

BILLY

What? I can’t swear on TV commercials?

What is this, communist Russia?

KFC DIRECTOR (O.S.)

You can’t swear.

BILLY

Sorry, I’m not an actor, I’m an eater.

INT. – COUNTRY HOME, KITCHEN

Billy is standing in a rustic-looking country home kitchen

shilling for another product on a commercial.

BILLY

You love America, don’t you? Well if you

don’t, I don’t want to know about you or

your pagan beliefs. However, if you do,

don’t waste any time and go down to your

nearest Piggly Wiggly to buy Jimmy Dean

(MORE)


BILLY (cont’d)

delicious food products. Nothing says

America like eating fully cooked apple-

wood smoke chicken sausage patties from

my main man Jimmy Dean. Trust me on

this, I know what I’m talking about,

I’m heavy and I get paid to eat!

Billy grabs a sausage patty and stuffs it in his mouth,

downing it in one bite.

EXT. – BROOKLYN CYCLONES STADIUM, CONEY ISLAND – NIGHT

It’s the seventh inning stretch and Billy is standing on

the field in an oversized baseball jersey singing “Take me

Out To The Ballgame.” He gives a very stilted performance.

BILLY

Take me out to the ball game, take me

out with the crowd; buy me some peanuts

and Cracker Jack, I don’t care if I

never get back. Let me root, root,

root for the home team, if they don’t

win, it’s a shame. For it’s one, two,

three strikes, you’re out, at the old

ball game!

Billy drops the microphone then stuffs the two hot dogs

he’s holding into his mouth and eats them.

FADE OUT

Documents

Reversal of Fortune Screenplay