Scene 1 – Nursery - ZeroTolerance | Zero ToleranceGillian drops the baby and the iron, then grabs Barbie.) Alex Hi Barbie. Gillian Hi Ken. Alex You look very pretty today, Barbie

Amended: 8th April 2010 Page 1 of 31 A Big Boy Did It And Ran Away

CRUSH Previously known as

A BIG BOY DID IT & RAN AWAY


COPYRIGHT BY BALDY BANE THEATRE COMPANY, 2009 SCENE 1 NURSERY RHYMES (SFX 1: Nursery Rhyme music.) Boys The Grand old Duke of York

He had ten thousand men He marched them up to the top of the hill And he marched them down again.

Girls Polly put the kettle on Kettle on, kettle on Polly put the kettle on We'll all have tea.

Alex Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater Grant Had a wife Alex and couldn't keep her Grant He put her in a pumpkin shell

And there he kept her, very well. Gillian Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet

Eating her curds and whey Along came a spider Who sat down beside her And frightened Miss Muffet away.

Jack Georgie Porgie pudding and pie Gillian Kissed the girls Jack and made them cry

When the boys came out to play (Grant shouts “ho”) Georgie Porgie ran away.

(Jack and Grant exit.) SCENE 2 NURSERY SCHOOL Gillian Rock a bye baby, on the tree top

When the wind blows, the cradle will rock When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall And down will come baby, cradle and all.

(Gillian picks up the baby from the cradle.)


Gillian Don’t cry. It’s okay, mummy’s here. Ssh! That’s a good girl. Oh, look at your dress. It’s all crumpled. Mummy will fix it.

(Gillian picks up an iron and irons the baby’s dress. Alex enters.) Alex Don’t do that. Gillian Why not? Alex Because you’ll burn it. Gillian But her dress is all crumpled. She needs to look pretty. Alex Just pat it. (Gillian pats the doll forcibly.) Not like that. Like this.(Alex

takes the doll and pats it gently) Nice and soft. (Gillian takes the doll and pats softly.) That’s better. Is that what you got for Christmas?

Gillian Yes. Alex Do you want to know what I got? Gillian Yes. Alex Look… (Alex holds up Barbie.) Gillian Barbie. Alex And… (Alex holds up Ken.) Gillian Ken. (Gillian drops the baby and the iron, then grabs Barbie.) Alex Hi Barbie. Gillian Hi Ken. Alex You look very pretty today, Barbie. Gillian And you look very nice too, Ken. Alex Would you like to come for a drive in my car? Gillian Yes, that would be good. Do you like my dress? Alex Yes, it’s pretty. (They sing Barbie Girl song. Jack enters.) Jack Dad, I’m away out to play.


(Jack shoots his gun at the girls.) Gillian Ken, Ken, there’s a big boy, with a big gun. Alex Where? Gillian Over there. I’m scared. Alex Don’t worry, Barbie. I’ll save you. What’s your name? Jack Jack. What’s yours? Alex (In a girly voice.) Ken. (In a manly voice.) Ken. Jack. What are you doing? Alex We’re playing. Jack Can I play? (Alex looks over to Gillian for advice.) Gillian (To Alex.) We’ve only got two dolls. Alex (To Jack.) We’ve only got two dolls. (Jack breaks away, disappointed.) Gillian Well, we could share if you want. (Jack grabs Ken, gives Alex the gun

and plays with Gillian.) You start. Jack All right there, doll. How’s it going? Alex It’s not doll, it’s Barbie. Jack All right there Barbie, doll. How is it going? Gillian It’s going good, Ken. Jack Sound. Do you want to watch me play football? Alex Ken doesn’t play football, he drives a car. Jack Do you want to watch me drive my car? Gillian Yes, I’d like that. Jack Sound. Then we could go to the pub.


Alex Ken doesn’t go to the pub. Gillian And Barbie doesn’t go to the pub either. Jack Not so sound. Well, I’ll go to the pub and you can make my dinner. Gillian Okay. What do you want? Jack Steak. And chips. And beans. And peas. And gravy. Gillian I’ll see what I can do. Listen, the baby’s crying. (She gives Barbie to

Jack and picks up the baby.) Don’t cry. It’s okay, mummy’s here. Ssh. (To Jack.) Do you want to push the pram?

Jack Boys don’t push prams. Prams are for girls. Gillian No, they’re not. You can push him down this hill. (Jack pushes the

pram really fast.) No, not like that. You’ll wake the baby up. Good mums do it gently. Here, you be the mum.

(Gillian dresses Jack as the mum.) Jack But it’s pink. Gillian It’s not pink. It’s coral red. (Jack and Gillian sing “Rock A Bye Baby”. Meanwhile, Alex plays with her dolls.) Alex I’m not really going to the pub, Barbie. It was just a joke. That’s okay,

Ken. Let’s go for a nice drive in your car and a nice picnic. (Jack’s dad enters.) Dad Jack, your breakfast’s ready. Jack. Alex, what are you doing with

Jack’s gun? Has the cat got your tongue? Alex No, I don’t have a cat. Dad Where did you get it? Alex Jack gave it to me. Dad And where’s Jack? Alex Playing. Dad Where? Alex Over there.


(Dad approaches Jack and Gillian. Alex exits.) Dad Girls, have any of you see my son? What are you doing? Jack Playing. Dad Playing what? Alex Mums and dads. Gillian He’s the mum. Dad In a stupid hat, with a handbag and a pink scarf. Jack It’s not pink, it’s coral red. Dad Coral red? Gillian It brings out his eyes. Dad I’ll give you a black eye when you get home. Get that off right now.

Do you want to get called a big Jessie, playing with dolls and wee girls?

Jack No. Dad Because that’s what will happen. Jack the Jessie, that’s what they’ll

call you. Is that what you want? I said, is that what you want? Jack No. Dad Remember, brave soldiers don’t… Jack Cry! (Jack cries.) Dad Get into the house. Your mum’s got your breakfast ready. Go! (Jack

exits.) I’d never have believed if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. (Dad goes to exit.) Gillian Excuse me. You’ve left your gun. (Dad picks up the gun and shoots at Gillian. They both exit.) SCENE 3 PRIMARY SCHOOL (Alex skips and sings “Ring A Ring A Roses”. Jack enters.) Jack Hey, Alex? Alex?


Alex What? Jack Since when did you start playing football? Alex I don’t play football. Jack Then what are you doing on the football field? Alex I’m just walking over to the swing park. Jack Any chance of walking a wee bit quicker? Alex What’s your problem? Jack You’re my problem. I don’t want primary school girls on my football

field. Why don’t you just run along and paint your nails? Alex What colour? Coral red? Jack Beat it. (Alex sits on a block, Grant enters.) Grant I’m sorry I’m late. Jack Where were you? Grant Mum and Dad fell out again and I got the brunt of it. Jack Well, you better not be late again. Come on, fix the goalposts. (Grant

moves a couple of the blocks.) Wider than that. (Grant widens the blocks.) Okay, now focus. (They play football.) The trials are next week. You’ll need to practice if you want to get picked.

Grant But there’s going to be over two hundred first years. I’ll never get in.

I’m crap at football. Jack You’re not crap, you’re an Armstrong. Dad was the Captain, I’m the

Captain and you’ll be the next Captain. You can’t let the side down. (He takes a shot which Grant saves.) See, you are good. You looking forward to the big school?

Grant Kind of. I don’t like the idea of being split up from all my pals though. Jack I’ve seen your pals, a bunch of geeks. Anyway, you’ll make new pals

when you get in the team. Grant Jack, is it true that they try and flush your head down the toilet? Jack Ducking? Aye, it’s a great laugh.


Grant You wouldn’t do it to me, would you? Jack No. But my pals might. Grant Would they? Aw naw. Jack You big Jessie. You’ll be the first down the pan greeting like that. Grant I’m not greeting. Jack Here’s something to greet about then. (Jack hits Grant in the groin with the football. They freeze.) Gillian Is that the bag you’re going to use for the big school? Alex Yeah. It’s cool, isn’t it? It’s pink. Gillian That’s amazing. I’m using this one. It’s not totally pink, but it has got

pink stars. Alex It’s still pink, really. Gillian Did you see “Teen” magazine? Alex No, I didn’t. Gillian It’s got a page of the top three things you need for secondary school. Alex Really? What are they? Gillian Number one: lip-gloss. Alex I don’t have any lip-gloss. Gillian It’s okay. It came free with the magazine, so just get a copy. Number two: get your school uniform kitted out. School shoes, bags,

shirts and short skirts. Alex I’ve already got my short skirt. Gillian Seriously? Alex Yeah. I went shopping with mum last week for it. It’s like this short. Gillian No. Mine goes down to there. Do you think that’s too long? Alex Yeah. But it’s okay. We can roll it up.


Gillian Oh, good. And number three, this has to be important ‘cos it’s underlined in pink: it’s the school walk.

Alex Oh, no. I don’t have a school walk. What are you going to do? Gillian Well, my mum got me high-heels, ‘cos you’ve got to be tall for the big

school, and I was thinking something like this. (Gillian demonstrates her walk.) What do you think?

Alex Totally amazing, totally the walk you should do. Gillian Oh, cool. Right, show me yours. Alex Well, can I use your clicks? Gillian Yeah, it totally draws attention to us. Alex Well, I was thinking… (Alex demonstrates a walk very similar to Gillian’s and they congratulate one other.) Gillian Let’s do it together so as we look the same. Alex Yeah, ‘cos we’re totally BFF. Once more on three. Gillian One, two, three. (They freeze. Jack and Grant unfreeze.) Grant Ow! You hit me right in the gooleys. Jack Aye, right. You don’t have any gooleys. Stop greeting. Grant You’d be greeting as well, if I hit you there. Jack I know it’s a big target, but you’d still miss. Come on, man-up. Brave

soldiers don’t cry. You’ll never get in the team and impress girls like that.

Grant There’s no girls in the team. Jack I’m talking about the talent that hang about the team. Grant Talent? Gillian and Alex? Jack I’m not talking about wee lassies, I’m talking about real women. The

cheerleaders with their wee skirts and their tight tops. Although that Gillian has got potential. Marks out of two? I’d give her one.

Grant Give her one what?


Jack You don’t know anything, do you? Rule one: get into the football

team. Rule two: stand up for yourself. And rule three: get yourself a burd.

Grant How? Jack Hit Blondie with the ball and get her attention. Grant But what if I hurt her? Jack It’ll not be sore. You’ll have made contact and you’re in there. Grant But she’s my friend. Jack You don’t have girls as friends. Grant What if she hits me back? Jack Do it you wee poof. (Grant kicks the ball and hits Gillian in the face.) Gillian Ouch. Jack Result. Well, get the ball back. Go! Gillian What did you do that for? Grant. I didn’t mean to hit you. I meant to hit Blondie. I mean, Alex. Alex Well, why did you want to hit me? I thought we were friends. Grant. My big brother told me… It was a joke. Alex A joke? Grant I mean, an accident. Gillian It wasn’t very nice. Grant Can I get my ball back? Gillian No. (Gillian passes the ball to Alex.) Grant Please? Alex No. I don’t think you should get it back.


Jack Ignore her. She’s just a tube. Give me the ball, Gillian. I’ll have a word

with him when we get back home. Don’t worry, it hasn’t spoiled your looks. (He begins to walk off and says to Jack:) Come on, Princess.

Girls Bye, Princess. (Jack exits. The girls giggle and exit. Grant exits last.) SCENE 4 SECONDARY SCHOOL (SFX 2: radio announcement. During this, Alex, Gillian and Grant enter and get dressed into their secondary school uniforms.) Voice This is Williams High School radio signing off. I’m your host, DJ

Weigie, with the most. Take care on the journey home and remember anyone involved in the school trip to France meet in the assembly hall after school today. Deposits are to be paid and fundraising discussed. Au revoir, ma cherries.

(Mr MacKay enters.) Mackay Bon soir, mes amies. Girls Bon soir, meisure Mackay. Grant Bon soir, mister… meisure Mackay. Mackay Excellent. I think I’ll quit while I’m ahead. Right, all deposits are due

in tonight. Gillian, you are still officially in school. The journey home has not yet commenced. Half mast at least, if you please. (Gillian unrolls her skirt to a decent level.) Alex, is that lip gloss? At least you’ll have no need of a day-glow jacket on the way home. Grant, I’m glad to see the Clearasil is working.

Now then, sponsorship. The bowl-athon is next week. Could you please add your names to the sheet affixed to the senior pupils’ notice board. You should also have organized your individual sponsorship events. Gillian, what are you going to do?

Gillian A sponsored silence, sir. Mackay Sacre bleu. You don’t make it easy for yourself, do you? Gillian It’ll be fine, sir. I’m only going to do it when I’m sleeping. Grant She’s not kidding, sir. Mackay Grant, what about you?


Grant I’m going to do my bit for the environment, sir. I’m going to save water by not having a bath or a shower for a whole week.

Mackay A direct descendant of the janitor eh? He has a bath every Christmas,

whether he needs it or not. And Alex, what is your master plan? Alex I’m holding a sponsored karaoke. (She bursts into song.) Mackay Thank you, Alex. Are you sure you don’t want to consider the

sponsored silence? Now, my little Francophiles. (He bursts into a few lines from the

French national anthem. Grant is the only one who joins in.) A word of warning to the devotees of jocundity, aka the jokers amongst you. The trip last year was somewhat marred by the antics and actions of a few wags who not only threw caution to the wind but put a severe dunt in the Auld Alliance as well.

The re-wiring of French public conveniences, aka the crappers, causing

them to open while in use, is a serious matter in the eyes of the French authorities. The subsequent taking of photographs of the bemused occupants is tantamount to pornography.

As a result, the chaperoning facilities have been reviewed and are now

in the capable hands of the indomitable Miss Gaunt. (The class groan.) Now, any questions?

Grant Sir, do you need a passport? (Mackay takes a puff from his inhaler.) MacKay A year of planning, marshalling the first year troops, preparing for the

assault on Paris. And, on the eve of our triumph, what gems are thrown my way? What volley is fired at me from young Grant? Sir, do you need a passport? Of course you need a passport. It’s France we’re going to, not Ecclefechan. Give me strength!

Grant I have got one, sir. I just wondered if I needed to bring it. (Mackay takes another puff from his inhaler and beckons Grant to come over to him.) Mackay Grant, can I suggest that if you find yourself at the top of the Eiffel

Tower at the same time as me you give me a very wide berth. Now, bring your deposits to my office. I’ll be crying into my coffee and croissants.

(Mr Mackay exits.) Grant I think Mr. Mackay must be on his period. I only asked.


Alex I know. Talk about PFT. Grant What? Alex Pre-France Tension. Gillian I’m so excited. I’ve never been abroad before. Grant Neither have I. Alex You’ll love it. Gillian, the French boys are stunning. They’re so

romantic. And the way they talk is so sexy. (To Grant:) Voulez vous couche avec moi, ce soir.

Grant Vol au vons? What’s sexy about them? Gillian It’s not Vol au vons. It’s Voulez vous. Alex It means… Gillian Will you sleep with me tonight? Grant I can just see me trying that out in Paris. Bon Soir, dolls. Any chance

of jumping your bones tonight? Alex On your biciclette. Grant I think it would be cool to have a French burd. Alex I wouldn’t get your hopes up. Grant Why not? Alex Let’s just say, Venus isn’t their desire. Grant What? Alex They’ve got hairy legs. Grant That’s not what I’ve heard. My brother says they’ve got Tesco legs? Alex Tesco legs? Grant Aye, open 24/7. (His phone goes.) I better take it. Alex Oh, I’m so excited about Paris. Gillian Me, too. Alex I can’t wait to meet all those sexy Frenchmen.


Gillian And, you know, if we’re going to Paris, we’ve got to wear L’Oreal

Paris make-up. I got some free samples from Sugar magazine. (She reads from her Sugar magazine.) Listen to this… The top three girl-tested, guy-approved looks. Number one: 89% of guys love it when they feel a girls’ eyelashes brush against their skin.

Alex I know the feeling. Sometimes I just lie on my bed and blink onto my

arms for hours. Gillian Shut up. Alex I do. Gillian Number two: 67% of guys said that wavy hair is the ultimate turn on.

Oh, no. I don’t have wavy hair. Alex Just fake it like I do. Both GHD it. Gillian And, last but not least, number three: 30% of guys prefer red lips

because it makes lips look uber-sexy. Get lip confidence by doing the Angelina Jolie “bee-stung pout” (They both pout their lips.)

Alex Oh, I’m so excited about Paris. Gillian Me, too. What do you reckon they wear in France? Alex Well, you know the rule: no pants in Paris. They wear thongs all the

time. Gillian Seriously? Alex Seriously. Gillian Can you not wear pants just for one day? Alex No, Gillian. We’re in their country. We have to stick to their rules. Gillian Thongs it is. (The girls freeze. Jack unfreezes.) Grant Sorry, Jack. I’ll be out right now. (To the girls:) Hello! Gillian Who was on the thong? I mean, the phone? Grant My big brother Jack. He’s waiting outside. I need to go.


Alex Has he got his own car? Grant No, he’s picking me up in his jumbo-jet. Of course he’s got his own

car. Gillian Any chance of a lift? Grant Aye, but get a move on. I’m late enough as it is. (They walk to the car. Meanwhile, Jack enters and sits in his car.) Alex I’m so looking forward to going to the bowling. Gillian Me, too. What do you want to do? Alex Why don’t you just come round to mine? I’ll get my mum to make us

some food, then she can drop us off. Grant Aye, that would be great. Gillian What time? Alex Half six? Gillian Aye. Grant I’ll check with my brother that it’s okay. (To Jack:) Jack, is there any

chance you could give my pals a lift home too? Jack Who? Specky Steve and Dandruff Dave? Grant No. Gillian and Alex. Jack Have you got yourself a couple of burds? Why didn’t you say? Aye,

alright. (Grant beckons the girls to come over, then goes to sit in the front passenger seat of the car.) Ladies first, Jack. Where’s your manners? Let Gillian go in the front. You can go in the back. (Grant and Alex sit in the back seats of the car, Gillian in the front.)

SCENE 5 THE CAR Jack Right everyone, buckle up. So what have you girls been up to? Alex Just trying to get things sorted out for our trip to France. Gillian I can’t wait to go bowling. Alex Me, too. Grant I’ve never played for over a year.


Alex What? Me and Gillian play all the time. Jack You must be really good then? Gillian I’m okay, but Alex has to use one of these things that toddlers use. Grant What, the big elephant on wheels? Alex Toddlers don’t use them. Lots of people use them. Grant Yeah, old grannies, not sixteen-year-old girls. Alex Well, the balls are too heavy for me to lift. Jack Aye, I know the feeling. Gillian I like your car. What kind is it? Jack A 1.6 Golf Turbo. I saw it at the dealership and I knew I had to have it.

Do you know much about cars? Gillian Not really. I just liked the colour. Jack It’s Flame Red. Gillian Flame Red? Are you sure it’s not Coral Red? Jack Witty and pretty. I told you that football wouldn’t spoil your looks. Gillian What are you wearing, Alex? Alex I don’t know. What are you wearing? Gillian I’m going to wear my heels. Grant You can’t wear heels to the bowling. You’ll break your ankles. Gillian It’s not for the bowling. It’s just for turning up. You have to look good.

What are you going to wear? Grant Jeans and a t-shirt. Alex I can’t believe that you’re not going to wash for a week. What a skank. Grant I can still wear deodorant. Jack That’ll be a first. Alex I hope you’re all going to sing at my karaoke.


Gillian Of course. I can’t wait. But you’ll have to help me pick a song. Alex Yeah, no bother. What about you, Grant? Are you going to sing? Grant No chance. The only time you’ll catch me singing is at Hampden. Alex What do you sing? Grant Flower of Scotland. Alex You could still sing that, but change the words. (They think.) Gillian I’ve got it. (Singing.) Oh smelly Granty, when will you wash. Grant Thanks very much. Alex (Singing.) Your skanky ass. Grant I might as well join in then. (Singing.) I’m making the car stink. You’ll

need tae spray me with… Girls Lynx. (They laugh.) Jack Right. You and the rest of the Tartan Army can get out here. It’ll save

me turning into the street. Alex Gillian are you coming with us? Jack No, it’s fine. Grant, you see Alex to her door. I’ll drop off Gillian and

come back for you. Alex Remember: half six at my place, next Wednesday. (Grant and Alex exit. Jack drives off and answers his phone.) Jack Alright mate, how’s things? She said what? I’d give her the body

swerve, mate. She’s too high maintenance. She’s not my problem any more. You know the drill: hump her or dump her. I’ll catch you later.

Gillian Was that your pal? Jack Aye, a guy from work. Gillian That’s my house there. Jack Listen, why don’t I come and pick you up on Wednesday and take you

to the bowling? Gillian Thanks, but we’re meeting up at Alex’s place.


Jack I just thought we could go for a wee drive together before the bowling. Gillian You and me? Jack Don’t say anything, but I think Grant has got a wee fancy for Alex.

Maybe you should give them a wee bit space. Gillian Okay. Jack I’ll meet you at half five, just after work. That’ll give us an hour

together. Gillian Okay, I’ll see you then. (She tries the handle.) Eh, Jack, can you let me

out the car? Jack That depends. Gillian On what? Jack Am I getting a kiss? Gillian Shut up. Seriously? Okay. (He takes her face in his hands and kisses her.) Jack Night, then. Gillian Night. Jack See you on Wednesday? Gillian See you on Wednesday SCENE 6 PHONE CALLS (Jack remains seated in his car. Gillian lets out an excited scream and speaks into her phone.) Gillian (To Alex:) I so hate your voicemail. Please phone me when you get

this. Phone me, phone me, phone me. (Gillian hangs up. Alex calls Gillian back.) Alex Gillian, what is it? I just got your message. Gillian What took you so long? Alex I was at my gran’s all weekend and my battery totally died on me.


Gillian You’ll never guess what happened to me? Alex Well, spill. Gillian Okay. You know how Jack dropped me off the other night? Well, wait

till you hear this, he kissed me. (The girls scream.) He just grabbed my face and just… done it.

Alex You done it? What, in the car? Gillian No! I mean, yes, we were in the car; but, no, we didn’t do it, do it. Alex Well, what did you do? Gillian He just kissed me. Did Grant kiss you that night? Alex What? No! So, how was it anyway? Gillian It was… Mmm! I can’t wait till he picks me up on Wednesday. Alex Wednesday? I thought we were meeting at mine? Gillian I know. I’m really, really sorry. But we’re going shopping at the Top

Shop fashion show at the weekend, so we could catch up properly then.

Alex But my mum’s already bought all the food. She’s expecting you. Gillian Oh, sorry. I’ve got another call waiting. It’s Jack, so I better answer it.

See you at the bowling. Alex Yeah, see you at the bowling. (Alex sits on one of the blocks. Jack stands up and speaks into his phone.) Gillian Hi Jack. Jack Hi gorgeous. You alright? I couldn’t get through there. Gillian Sorry, I was on the phone. Jack Who were you talking to? Gillian It was Alex. Jack Oh, right. Listen, there’s been a change of plan. I’ve got five-a-sides

on Wednesday, but I should be finished by seven. Gillian That’s no bother. I could probably still meet up with Alex and Grant.


Jack No, don’t do that. I’ll come and get you at seven, instead. At least we’ll still get a wee half hour together. If you’re my girl now, we’ve got to get some quality time together.

Gillian Well, if you’re sure. Jack Sound. I’ll see you on Wednesday. Gillian Yeah, see you on Wednesday. Bye. (Jack watches Gillian exit, then follows her off.) SCENE 7 THE BOWLING (Grant enters, throws a ten pin bowl and scores a strike.) Grant Strike! You beezer” If we keep going at this rate, we’ll make loads of

money for France. Alex Over a hundred quid. Grant That would be brilliant. And when Jack and Gillian come, we could

maybe even double it. Alex I wonder what’s taking them so long. Grant They’re probably having a wee romantic meal for two at Mickey D’s.

Right, it’s your turn. Try and put some points on the board. (Grant gives Alex a bowl. It is too heavy for her and she nearly drops it.) You woos! Come on! (Alex bends down, comically, to throw her bowl.) No, not like that. You’ve got to bend your knees. (She tries to bend her knees, but looks even more comic.) Let me show you. (Grant stands behind her.) Bend your knees, aim for the pins. Oh, I almost touched your bum there. And slowly swing your arm back and… (Alex hits Grant in the groin.) Ow!

Alex You told me to swing my arm back. Grant Slowly! You nearly gave me three Adam’s Apples. Come on, try

again. And concentrate. Both 1, 2, 3. Alex I told you I wasn’t very good. Grant Don’t turn your back on it. It’s not finished. Alex Strike. (They dance and cheer, excitedly.) Oh, I need to pee. (Alex exits.)


Grant If you need to pee, you need to pee. (Jack and Gillian enter.) Jack Sorry we’re late. Grant It’s alright. We’re doing really well. I’ve had a couple of strikes

already. And, believe it or not, Alex has had one too. Gillian Really? Oh, that’s great. Grant What took you so long? You were supposed to be hear half an hour

ago? Jack Blame her. She couldn’t keep her hands off me. Gillian Shut up. Jack So where’s your wee burd, then? Grant She’s not my burd, she’s my pal. She’s away to the toilet. The

excitement got too much for her. Jack Right, Grant. (He gives Grant money.) Here’s twenty quid, go and get

you and your pal drink. Grant Are you feeling alright? Jack Beat it, before I change my mind. Grant Fair enough. Right, Gillian. See if you can top Alex’s strike. (Grant exits. Gillian prepares to throw a bowling ball.) Jack What are you doing? Gillian Taking my shot. Jack Like that? Have you ever bowled before? Gillian Aye, I’m quite good. Well, better than Alex. Jack Here, I’ll show you how’s it done. (Jack stands behind Gillian, really

close, which makes her feel uncomfortable.) You’ve got to stand straight. Open your legs a little bit. Wider. Bring this leg back. That’s it. Now, take the bowl. You smell nice. Swing your arm back.

Gillian What now?


Jack And release. Well done sweet cheeks, that was pretty good. (Alex enters and goes straight to Gillian. Jack sits down.) Alex Did you see who got a strike? Gillian Aye. Well done. Alex Are you okay? Gillian I just feel a bit funny. Sore head. Alex You’ll never guess who I saw up at the bar? Gillian Who? Alex Do you remember Dean Smith? He totally had the hots for you in

second year. Gillian Oh, where? Alex Over there, at the bar. Gillian So it is. I can’t believe you recognised him. He’s still minging. Hi,

Dean! (The girls wave.) Jack Who are you waving at? Gillian Just somebody Alex knows. Jack Who? Alex Just a guy I used to know – Dean. He’s standing over at the bar. Jack Him? What’s he staring at? Alex Gillian, probably. He used to well fancy her. Gillian Shut up. Jack Is that right? I’ll be back in a minute. (Jack goes off. Grant enters.) Grant What’s happening? Alex I don’t know.


Grant Oh, no. (Jack returns from the bar.) Jack (Shouting to the guys offstage.) Jack Armstrong! You know where to

find me! Grant What did you deck him for? Jack That’s none of your business. Come on, Gillian. We’re leaving. Gillian But we just got here. Jack I’m not asking, I’m telling. We’re leaving. Now! (Jack and Gillian exit and sit in the car.) Grant That’ll be the bowling finished then. What was that all about? Alex I don’t care if he is your brother, that was bang out of order. Grant He must have done something to deserve it. Alex He just hit him for nothing, all he did was wave. Grant Do you want to try and catch up with them? Alex You can if you want. I’ll make my own way home. He didn’t have to

drag Gillian off with him. Grant I’ll take that as a knock back then. Alex I never said that. You can walk me home if you want. Grant That depends. Alex On what? Grant You buy the chips? Alex Deal. (They exit.) SCENE 8 THE CAR Jack Look, I’m really sorry about that. You shouldn’t have to put up with

guys like that taking advantage. Gillian It’s okay. He kind of deserved it.


Jack Aye, well, you’ll not have any problems from now on. If any other

guys give you grief, you let me know. Gillian I will. Jack You promise? Gillian I promise. Thanks for sticking up for me. (Gillian’s gets a text on her phone.) Jack Who’s that? Gillian It’s Alex. Just making sure I’m okay. And organizing about tomorrow. Jack What’s happening tomorrow? Gillian Nothing really. Jack What’s happening tomorrow? Gillian We’re just going to the Top Shop fashion show and then for a

McDonalds. Jack Happy hats and McToys? Forget McDonald’s. Tell her you need to be

finished by four o’clock. I’m taking you out tomorrow to say sorry properly. I’m going to take you out for a nice Italian meal.

Gillian Really? I’ve never done anything like that before. Jack You’re not a wee girl anymore. You’re in a proper relationship now.

You’ll be doing lots of things you’ve never done before. Gillian I’ll text her and let her know. Jack No, don’t text her. Call her. Gillian Call her? Jack Aye, call her. Now. (They exit.) SCENE 9 – FASHION SHOW (SFX 3: fashion show on. Host enters.)


Host Meinen damen und Herr. Ladies und gentle peeps. Velcome to zee Top Shop fashion extravaganza of zee year. Shellsuitovia. Sponsored by Buckfast Vino. If you want to get ahead, dress like a ned.

(Two neds, Aldo and Crystal, enter.) Aldo Alright, ya rockets. Crystal Alright, ya pies. Host Zee first must-have fashion accessory, from zee distinguished Burberry

range, is zee cap. Othervise known as zee napper capper. Crystal Burberry caps. Aldo Three for a pound. Crystal Dress like a ned. Aldo And you will feel… Both Sound. Host Zis dual purpose cap vill not only protect you from pigeon poo-poo,

but vill also come in handy ven trying to collect a few sheckles for zee bus fare home.

Aldo Any spare change for the bus fare hame? Crystal The baby sitter’s bolted. Aldo And the dog’s watching the wean. Host Und! Zee second must-have fashion accessory, zis time from zee

classy Kappa range, is zee shell suit. Nice und tight und white, don’t get it messy in a fight.

Crystal It’s cheap, it’s cool, it’s all around the school. Aldo It makes the ladies drool, you can wear it when you pull. Both Napper capper. Host Und! Zee third und final must-have fashion accessory, zee

aforementioned nectar of zee gods, Buckfast! Crystal Brewed by pure mad mental monks. Aldo Gets you drunk as a skanky skunk.


Crystal Neck some Buckie and you’ll get lucky. Aldo Fires you up when you want a wee… Host Und! Zer vee have it. Three must-have fashion accessories from

Shellsuitovia. If you vant to get ahead, dress like a ned. Aldo Catch ye, Versace. (Aldo exits.) Crystal It’s Armani, ye… Host Und! (He points at Crystal. She stands on a block at one side of the stage and models exactly what the Host says in the following poem, exiting at the end of the second last stanza. Gillian enters at the start of the last stanza, carrying several shopping bags.) But if hunky guys you want to impress The manky skank look is not how to dress. Improve your chances of landing a man. Follow these three tips from the Gok Wan Plan. Number eins: ditch dapper Napper Cappers. Guys don’t dig she-men who like rappers. Dye your hair peroxide blonde. Straighten curls. Shampoo and condition. You’re worth it, girls. Number zwei: shed shellsuits for cosmetics. Guys don’t dig Plain Jane, Tom Boy aesthetics. Exfoliate. Spray tan. Shave pits and pins. Hairy is so last year. Smoothie is in. Number drei: bin Buckfast, Big Macs and fries. Guys don’t dig big sumos with thunder thighs. Get botox, liposuction, tummy tucks And Fern Britton gastric bands. Size ten sucks. Beauty is pain, darlings. Pain is beauty. Don’t be ugly ducklings. Be a cutey. Accessorise. Feminise. Beautify. Barbie-blonde, blue-eyed babes rule. Tatty bye. (SFX 4: fashion show off.) SCENE 10 JACK’S HOUSE Gillian enters with shopping bags. Jack enters with a couple of drinks.


Jack Hi sexy. What have you got there? Gillian It’s the outfits I bought with Alex for the trip to France. Jack So, am I getting a wee fashion show then? Gillian No, don’t be silly. I’m just going to show you what I bought. Is that

my coke? Jack I’ve put a wee vodka in it for you. Here. (He gives her the drink.)

Cheers! Gillian Cheers! (She takes a drink.) That’s strong. Jack Lightweight. Right, Tyra Banks, strut your stuff and I’ll be the judge. Gillian Jeans and T-shirts for during the day. A pairs of heels to dress them up

for night. And then, for the last night, ‘cos we’re having a party, I got this. (Produces a sexy dress.) What do you think?

Jack I think that that’s a bit off. Gillian Don’t you like it? Jack Aye, of course I like it. But are you planning on wearing that without

me? Gillian Well, yeah. You’re not going to be there. Jack Exactly. I’m not going to be there. So why wear it? Do you not think

it’s the kind of thing you should be saving for me? Gillian I never thought. Okay, I think I’ve got something else that I can wear. (Gillian puts the dress away. As she does a small Lasenza bag falls out.) Jack Hello, Lasenza! What have you got planned? Gillian Nothing. I didn’t mean to bring that one. Jack Is that another thing for the Paris party? Let’s see it then. Gillian No. (He grabs the bag and pulls out the thong.) That’s not for Paris. Jack So is it for me, then? Gillian No, it was just a joke. Me and Alex were having a laugh and bought

one each.


Jack If it’s a joke, try it on for me and we’ll have a bit of fun. I think it would look good on you. (He hands her the thong.) There’s nobody in. The house is empty

(Gillian holds it for a moment and stuffs it back into the bag.) Gillian No, stop it. Jack Stop it! (He throws the bag to the ground.) Do you know how much

you’re driving me mad? Every time I see you, I want you. I thought you felt the same as me. I thought you were ready to take this further. Don’t act like you don’t know what you’re doing.

Gillian I don’t know what you mean. Jack Do I have to spell it out? You either want me or you don’t. Don’t you

love me? ‘Cos if you don’t, you might as well leave now. Gillian But I don’t want to leave. I do love you. It’s just… I don’t think I’m

ready for that. Jack And when will you be ready for that? Well, when? Because I’m not

going to wait forever. When? Gillian Paris. After Paris. Jack After Paris? You promise? Gillian Promise. (Jack exits.) SCENE 11 PARIS (SFX 5: French national anthem. Alex enters.) Gillian Look, there’s the Champs Elysee. Both Cheers! Alex Look, there’s the Arc de Triomph. Both Cheers! Gillian I’ve missed this. Alex Me, too. Especially when it’s just us girls. I feel like we don’t really

hang out as much as we used to, Gillian. Gillian I know. I’m glad it’s just us, too. I could kind of use a girlie chat.


Alex Why? What’s the goss? Are you and Jack doing alright? Gillian Well, I’ve kind of promised him something. And I’m not really sure… Alex What? You’ve not promised to…. you know? (Gillian becomes

distraught.) What’s the matter, Gillian? Is everything alright? Gillian It’s nothing, really. I’m probably reading too much into it. It’s just

that… (A Frenchman enters.) French Bon soir, ladies . Alex Bon Soir, monsieur. Photograph? French Mademoiselle, it would give me ze greatest of pleasure. (He takes a

photo of the girls.) Fromage! Both Cheese! French Velcome to Paree, zee romantic capital of zee world. Is your name

Jacob’s? Gillian No. Why? French Because you’re a little cracker. You look like you’ve fallen from zee

love tree and hit every branch on zee way down. Alex You’re barking up the wrong tree, Marcel. She’s spoken for. French Zere’s no harm in looking. How about I put it on zee timer and I can be

in zee shot with you? Alex Yeah, whatever floats your boat. French Un, de, twa... Wait. Did you just fart? Gillian No. Why? French Because you blew me away. (He takes another photo.) Girls Cheese! French Fromage! SCENE 12 JACK’S BEDROOM (They freeze. Jack enters. And, as the scene progresses, the Frenchman and Alex


slowly leave.) Jack Who’s that? Gillian That’s just a guy who took some photos of us, so we could all be in it. Jack And who’s that? Gillian That’s just Pierre. He was the tour guide for the trip. Jack And what about that? Gillian That’s just the last night party. Jack Don’t play games with me. I told you not to wear that dress. Gillian Alex thought it would be a laugh. Jack Alex? Oh, it was Alex’s idea, was it? Nothing to do with you, then?

Cause I forgot – you can’t do anything without her, can you? Sit down. Have a good look at yourself! Behaving like a dirty slapper with strange men all over you. It’s disgusting! (He slaps her.) Weren’t you thinking of me at all?

Gillian All the time. Jack Liar! It’s like you don’t care about me. I mean, am I your boyfriend?

Do you really love me? My friends told me to get rid of you ages ago. You were just a daft wee girl, they said. Well, your just proving them all right and making me look like an idiot. What have you got to say? Look at me when I’m talking to you. Look at me.

Gillian Nothing. I’ll make it up to you. Jack You’ve already said that once. Why should I believe you? It’s always

excuses and broken promises with you. Gillian No, it’s not Jack. I love you. Jack Prove it then. Lets go upstairs. And you can prove that you love me. (Jack exits. Gillian remains seated.) SCENE 13 VOICE MESSAGES (Grant and Alex enter.) Grant Hi, Gillian. It’s Grant here. Any chance you could return like one of

my calls. I’m sick of listening to your soppy answer machine.


Alex Hiya Gill, its me again. What you been up to? How come you’ve not been at school? I’m worried about you! Get back to me

Grant Hi Gillian. It’s Grant, again. Remember me? You’re pal. Anyway, I

know this has probably got nothing to do with me, but is everything alright between you and Jack? It’s just that I’ve not seen you driving about in his passion wagon since you got back from France. Give me a call!

Alex Gillian. I know you and Jack are going steady, but I never see you. You’re my best mate. You know I’m always here if you need to chat. Okay? So give me a wee phone. And don’t do anything stupid – at least, not without me. Ha! Bye!

(SFX 6: A pre-recorded chirpy, girly voicemail by Gillian.) Hi! Its’ Gillian here. Sorry your talking to a machine and not me. I’m

obviously away doing something highly exciting like painting my nails or having lunch with Zack Efron. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you. Unless you’re a stalker, or an ex. Or both. Bye.

(SFX 7: a repeat of SFX 1. Grant exits after “The Grand Old Duke of York”. Alex exits after “Polly Put The Kettle On”. And Gillian exits after “Little Miss Muffet.”) (THE END.)

Documents

Scene 1 – Nursery - ZeroTolerance | Zero ToleranceGillian drops the baby and the iron, then grabs Barbie.) Alex Hi Barbie. Gillian Hi Ken. Alex You look very pretty today, Barbie