Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample

SCORING THE MCAT WRITING SAMPLE

EXAMPLES OF MCAT WRITING SAMPLE RESPONSES AND EXPLANATIONS OF THEIR SCORES

Association of American Medical Colleges Section for the Medical College Admission Test

Division of Student Affairs and Education Services

2450 N St. N.W.

Washington, DC 20037-1126 (202) 828-0552

Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample

Table of Contents

Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..1 Development of the MCAT Writing Sample . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1 Description of the MCAT Writing Sample . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1

Content of Writing Sample Items . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ...2 Structure of Writing Sample Items . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2

Evaluating Writing Sample Responses . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2

Readers3 Scoring the Essays 3 Score Point Descriptions4 Reported Writing Sample Scores...4

Figure 1: Description of Writing Skills Associated with Writing Sample Alphabetic Scores 6 Examples of Writing Sample Responses and Explanations of Their Scores . . . . . . .. . Topic l ............................................. 7 Essay I (Score = 6) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . 7 Score Explanation for Essay I (Score = 6) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . 8 Essay II (Score = 4) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . 9 Score Explanation for Essay II (Score = 4) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . 10 Essay III (Score = 2) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. 11 Score Explanation for Essay III (Score -- 2) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. 12 Topic 2 ............................................. 13 Essay IV (Score = 5) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. 13 Score Explanation for Essay IV (Score = 5) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. 14 Essay V (Score = 3) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . 15 Score Explanation for Essay V (Score -- 3) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . 16 Essay VI (Score = 1) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. 17 Score Explanation for Essay VI (Score = 1) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. 17 Topic 3 ............................................. 18 Essay VII (Score = 6) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. 18 Score Explanation for Essay VII (Score -- 6) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. 19 Essay VIII (Score = 4) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .20 Score Explanation for Essay VIII (Score = 4) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 Essay IX (Score = 2) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..22 Score Explanation for Essay IX (Score = 2) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..22 Essay X (Score -- 1) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. .23 Score Explanation for Essay X (Score = 1) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. .23 Topic 4 .............................................24 Essay XI (Score = 5) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..25 Score Explanation for Essay XI (Score = 5) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..25 Essay XII (Score = 3) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..26 Score Explanation for Essay XII (Score = 3) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2

Copyright 2003 AAMC. MCAT. All rights reserved.

Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample Introduction

This document is designed to familiarize you with scoring procedures for the Medical College Admission Test (MCAT) Writing Sample. Included is background information on the purpose of the Writing Sample, the types of skills assessed, and the scoring procedures, as well as examples of essays with explanations of their strengths and weaknesses. This guide is intended for use by examinees preparing to take the MCAT and by medical school admissions committees, health professions advisors, and others who must interpret Writing Sample scores. Development of the MCAT Writing Sample

As early as 1973, the Medical College Admission Assessment Program task force recommended that a test of written communication skills be required for medical school applicants. Throughout the 1970s, the public and lay press emphasized the need for physicians to communicate with patients as active participants in the delivery of health care. Early in the 1980s, medical school deans joined in discussion of the need to stress writing and analytical skills in the admission process. They reported that communication and writing skills often were deficient among medical students. Deans and faculty asked that an assessment of written communication skills be added to the information available about medical school applicants. Prior to adoption of the MCAT Writing Sample, several medical schools independently instituted writing assessments in which applicants provided writing samples at the time of application or in conjunction with the interview. No universal instrument for assessing the writing and analytical skills of medical school applicants existed, however. Research and development on an MCAT essay section was conducted from 1985 through 1990, and the Writing Sample became an integral part of the revised MCAT in 1991. This section, which requires candidates to develop and present ideas in a cohesive manner, offers medical school admission committees evidence of applicants' writing and analytical skills and provides unique information unavailable from other sections of the MCAT. Description of the MCAT Writing Sample The MCAT Writing Sample consists of two 30-minute essays designed to assess skills in the following areas: 1. Developing a central idea, 2. Synthesizing concepts and ideas, 3. Presenting ideas cohesively and logically, and 4. Writing clearly, following accepted practices of grammar, syntax, and punctuation consistent with

timed, first-draft composition.




Content of Writing Sample Items Each Writing Sample item provides a specific topic and requires an expository response. Writing Sample topics are selected from areas of general interest such as business, politics, history, art, education, or ethics. Topics do not pertain to the content of biology, chemistry, or physics; to the medical school application process or reasons for the choice of medicine as a career; to social and cultural issues not in the general experience of college students; or to religious or other emotionally charged issues. Specific prior knowledge about the topic is not necessary to complete the Writing Sample. Structure of Writing Sample Items Each MCAT Writing Sample item consists of a statement that expresses an opinion, discusses a philosophy, or describes a policy. The statement is followed by three writing tasks. The first is to explain or interpret the statement. Because the statement is not intended to be plainly factual or self evident, it usually cannot be explained in a single sentence. In addressing this task, examinees should explain the meaning of the statement as thoroughly as possible.

The second task requires consideration of a circumstance in which the statement might be contradicted or judged not applicable. Examinees must present a specific example that illustrates a viewpoint opposite to the one presented in the statement and should further explore the statement's meaning.

The third task requires a discussion of ways in which the conflict between the initial statement and its opposition (expressed in the second writing task) might be resolved. Here, examinees must reconcile the two viewpoints. In responding to this task, examinees should apply their understanding of the topic to more general problems of principle, choice, judgment, or evaluation raised by the conflict between the opposing viewpoints. Evaluating Writing Sample Responses Writing Samples are scored holistically. Whereas some methods for scoring essays assign several scores to a single piece of writing (e.g., separate scores for organization, development, grammar and mechanics, or fluency), holistic scoring regards an essay as a whole without separable aspects. This type of scoring is based on the assumption that the various factors involved in writing are so closely interrelated that an essay should be assigned a single score based on the quality of the writing as a whole.

Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample Readers Writing Sample papers are rated by a group of trained readers, many of whom are experienced teachers of writing. Using a scoring guide consisting of score point descriptions similar to those summarized below and sample papers selected to be illustrative of each score, readers are trained to score the essays reliably. Readers who are able to assign scores accurately and reliably are accepted to score actual essays. Readers' performance is closely monitored throughout the scoring process to ensure that scores are assigned fairly and accurately.

Since each Writing Sample consists of two topics, two groups of readers are used for the scorings. Each group is responsible for scoring papers for one topic only. Scoring the Essays Each essay is rated in terms of its overall effectiveness. The score is determined by the depth, cohesiveness, and clarity with which the writing tasks are addressed and by the extent to which ideas are developed. Readers are trained to score each essay on the basis of the writing skills displayed and not to judge the writer's personality, attitudes, or beliefs. Readers are instructed to keep several guidelines in mind as they score. They are not to be unduly influenced by length (although an essay must be long enough that its ideas are developed) or by handwriting. Readers are not to be overly harsh on papers that contain minor errors in grammar, spelling, sentence structure, or punctuation. Because Writing Samples are written under timed conditions, it is assumed that some mistakes will be made. Each essay is judged on its individual merits; readers do not score with any particular score distribution in mind. Responses that are blank, illegible, written in a language other than English, or that consist entirely of an obvious attempt to ignore the purpose of the Writing Sample (such as a drawing) cannot be scored. If either of the two responses cannot be scored, the reported Writing Sample score is an "X" for "Not Ratable." All personally identifiable information is removed from essays prior to scoring; essays are identified only by their code numbers. Every essay is scored by two different readers. Each reader scores essays in sets or batches, and the scores are recorded on machine scannable sheets, not on the essays themselves. (Readers record only the score on these sheets; they do not make any notes of an essay's strengths or weaknesses.) When a batch of essays is ready to be circulated to a second reader, a new scannable sheet is provided. Thus, the second reader does not know the score given to an essay by the first reader. Readers score essays using the six-point scale described below. The final score for each essay is a function of the scores assigned by two readers. If an essay receives scores that are more than one point apart (i.e., a 2 and a 4), the essay is evaluated by a supervisory third reader who determines the final score.


Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample Score Point Descriptions Summarized below are the typical characteristics of papers receiving each score.

6 These papers show clarity, depth, and complexity of thought. The treatment of the writing assignment is focused and coherent. Major ideas are substantially developed. A facility with language is evident. 5 These essays show clarity of thought, with some depth or complexity. The treatment of the rhetorical assignment is generally focused and coherent. Major ideas are well developed. A strong control of language is evident. 4 These essays show clarity of thought and may show evidence of depth or complexity. The treatment of the writing assignment is coherent, with some focus. Major ideas are adequately developed. An adequate control of language is evident. 3 These essays may show some problems with clarity or complexity of thought. The treatment of the writing assignment may show problems with integration or coherence. Major ideas may be underdeveloped. There may be numerous errors in mechanics, usage, or sentence structure. 2 These essays may show some problems with clarity or complexity of thought. The treatment of the writing assignment may show problems with integration or coherence. Major ideas may be underdeveloped. There may be numerous errors in mechanics, usage, or sentence structure. 1 These essays may demonstrate a lack of understanding of the writing assignment. There may be serious problems with organization. Ideas may not be developed. Or, there may be so many errors in mechanics, usage, or sentence structure that the writer's ideas are difficult to follow. Reported Writing Sample Scores Each examinee's Writing Sample is scored by a minimum of four readers. As stated above, two readers score the first essay, and two different readers score the second essay. The final scores given to each of the two responses are summed. This numeric score, which may range from 4 to 24, is then converted to an alphabetic score. Alphabetic scores range from a low of J to a high of T. Only the alphabetic score appears on the MCAT score reports. Because a 21-point numeric scale (the 4 to 24 scale) is converted to an 11-point letter scale, there are multiple means by which examinees may obtain a given alphabetic score. They may receive similar numeric scores on both essays or may score slightly higher on one essay than on the other. For example, a score of 20 may be obtained by receiving two fives on the first essay and two fives on the second essay, two fours on the first essay and two sixes on the second essay, etc. Although it is not uncommon for examinees to write two essays of


Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample dissimilar quality, the majority attain a given letter score by performing equivalently on both essays. It is very rare for an examinee to score exceptionally well on one essay and very poorly on the other. Because examinees may attain a given letter score in various ways (i.e., by performing equivalently on both essays or by performing better on one essay than on the other), making inferences about the writing skills associated with a given letter scores is not straightforward. Figure 1 on the next page provides some general guidance in interpreting letter scores. This figure shows the continuum of writing skills represented by the J to T score scale and describes the typical features of essays at three places on the scale.


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Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample Examples of Writing Sample Responses and Explanations of Their Scores The final section of this document consists of 12 essays written in response to four topics. For each essay, the score is provided along with an explanation of its strengths and weaknesses. Some suggestions for ways of improving each essay are also included. Consider this statement: An understanding of the past is necessary for solving the problems of the present. Write a unified essay in which you perform the following tasks. Explain what you think the above statement means. Describe a specific situation in which solving a current problem might not require an understanding of the past. Discuss what you think determines whether or not the past should be considered in solving the problems of the present. Essay I (Score = 6)

History is an integral part of the learning process. By studying events of the past, we can analyze the repercussions of certain behavior and action patterns. It is a fundamental way to lay the groundwork and predict the outcomes of future events. History is governed by human behavior. Although times have changed, and technology and knowledge has advanced, people are still driven by the same needs, desires, and insecurities of ages past.

One area in which the study of history is essential is in the conflict between disputing nations.

During the Gulf War in 1991, America was at first unsure of its potential role. This country did not want to repeat the tragic losses of the Vietnam War, but at the same time could not let injustices occur before its very eyes. By studying previous military strategy, impetus, and conditions, the United States was able to enter the war without suffering a humiliating defeat. Civil rights issues have also used historical experience to determine proper conduct. The civil rights movements go back to the 1960's, when black leaders were just beginning to assert and articulate their arguments, as well as achieve their goals. The recent racial riots in Los Angeles, while violent, showed how people can learn from the past. There were definite and inspiring examples of concern crossing racial borders while before, the conflict was African-Americans against whites, we saw examples of multiracial groups banding together to protect stores, homes, and families. Many of those people did not want to repeat the horrifying events of the past.



On the other hand, some problems exist today that are totally independent of any historical event. The current issue of AIDS prevention, treatment, and the search for its cure has generated a whole new set of rules and etiquette. Our world has never before had to deal with the devastating effects of the AIDS virus, nor with the quickly increasing numbers of infected people. Looking at the past could give us no knowledge on the workings of this disease, nor on its cure. It seems to have bypassed every known strategy used before in defeating a virus. In fact, looking to the past could even cause problems. It was the past, and even ongoing, sexual practices that allowed AIDS to spread so quickly. Instead of looking to the past for new information, we must reform our histories to stop this disease.

When, then, is the past crucial to our understanding of current events? It is important only, and especially, when it relates to the present situation. History can lay the groundwork for a course of action. But, of course, this is only true when the courses of action are similar. There must be some common threads tying the past and present together. With racial tension in mind, the commonalities stem from common catalysts for anger and feelings in injustice and equality. Moreover, these events are mediated by human behavior. Also, conflicts between nations arise because people disagree. In fact, people, and the involvement of people, may also be the common thread tying the past and the present together. But, with something like the AIDS virus, this crisis is not governed by any set of rules or behavior. No previously established fundamental law of virus behavior exists to dictate its action, for it proceeds with a total disregard and lack of emotion. It just keeps changing and slipping through our fingers, with no historical example to give us a guideline as to its future actions. History is crucial to understand. It can provide clues to our future, and help us solve certain problems. But, this can only be true if these problems, or similar ones, existed before and were governed by similar mechanisms.

Score Explanation for Essay I (Score = 6) This paper, which demonstrates clarity, depth of analysis, and a recognition of the complexity of the issue, is thoroughly developed with relevant and specific historical examples. The writing is noteworthy as well, showing a superior command of language, particularly in terms of syntactic variety. Considering the time limitations of the test, which do not allow for much proofreading or editing, the fluency is remarkable. Few errors in sentence structure, grammar, or mechanics occur in the paper. The paper begins with a simple restatement: "History is an integral part of the learning process." This sentence announces the writer's central idea but, at the same time, allows for the possibility that history cannot teach us everything we need to know. This subtle but clearly stated proposition prepares the reader for a series of related examples that serve as illustrations of the writer's themes and ideas. The first examples are of the Gulf War and the Civil Rights movement. The writer uses the Gulf War to demonstrate how the United States has applied the lessons of Vietnam


Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample (establishing that we can learn from our past mistakes) to a contemporary problem of international relations. Then the writer supplies a parallel example of a domestic problem, suggesting that individual behavior during the Los Angeles riots was the result of lessons learned from the Civil Rights movement. The writer notes that "people did not want to repeat the horrifying events of the past." These two well-developed examples explain the meaning of the topic and expand on the ideas offered in the introduction ("By studying events of the past, we can analyze the repercussions of certain behavior and action patterns"). In the next paragraph, the writer observes that "some problems exist today that are totally independent of any historical event." For an example, the writer chooses to discuss the issue of AIDS, in particular the related issues of "prevention, treatment, and the search for its cure." The writer grants that researchers have attempted to use their understanding of the past to find successful cures and treatment, but the disease "seems to have bypassed every known strategy used before in defeating a virus." This leads the writer, quite logically, to consider the question suggested by the third writing task: "When, then, is the past crucial to our understanding of current events?" The writer's conclusion, which is consistent with the ideas expressed in the opening paragraph of the paper, is that "history is crucial to understand" because it can supply "clues to our future, and help us solve certain problems." The writer stresses the importance of learning from the past while, at the same time, recognizing that an understanding of the past cannot guide us to the solution of all current problems. The specific criterion the writer presents is that we can solve problems that have issues with "some common threads," especially those involving human behavior (and the writer returns to the issue of tension between the races, commenting that "commonalities stem from common catalysts for anger and feelings of injustice and equality"). Throughout this final paragraph, the writer returns to the paper's main ideas and previous examples. This unifies the essay structurally and thematically.

This comprehensive and well-documented paper is impressive in its scope and ambition. The command of language, combined with a successful organizational plan, result in a sustained, clear, and effective paper.

Essay II (Score = 4)

Wars have probably had the most devastating effects on a country, socially as well as economically. For example, World War 11, with the discovery of the atomic bomb, killed hundreds of thousands of innocent victims. Later in the twentieth century, the United States entered another war with Vietnam. Again, massive destruction of American soldiers and Vietnamese villages resulted from the war. However, besides destruction, other aspects of the war were extracted that helped foreign affairs and ways to deal with war. The United States learned that fighting a battle in a different country; with a different climate and fighting ground is difficult and needed to be understood before the war started.


Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample This instance exemplifies that a good understanding of past experiences can help problems of the present. So, if the United States needs to go to war with another Asian country, in the future, more precautions will be used to solve the problem. Even with economic problems, nations can learn from their previous mistakes. The stock market crash of the early twentieth century devastated the nation financially. But, looking back, mistakes will never be made similar to the ones that caused the depression.

Several instances show that once past experiences are understood, future and present problems can be solved. However, all of these instances involve circumstances that have had a past existence. The stock market and war are two essential aspects of this country's growth. What about problems of the present that have recently developed? These circumstances bring up a totally new problem that do not have a past. For instance, the pollution problem of the United States has been increasing exponentially in the last decade without having any devastating effects prior to this time. There also is the fear of using up natural resources such as oil and petroleum products. Both examples, pollution and scarcity of resources, are relatively new problems and have to be dealt with without having any past reference.

Although it would be nice to have an understanding of everything from the past, it is unlikely to assume that all existing problems that arise have been a problem before. So, for situations that are relatively permanent, the economy and wars, understanding the past is crucial to avoid making future mistakes and solving existing problems. But, it is obvious that solutions to new problems will be made from educated and calculated estimations of their effects without having any past experience to use as a reference. New and fresh problems will therefore be the most detrimental to the country since no similar experience has happened.

Score Explanation for Essay II (Score = 4) In this paper the writer offers several examples to demonstrate how an understanding of past problems (the Vietnam War, the stock market crash and the depression) may prepare us to deal with similar situations in the present. The writer contrasts these historical events with the related issues of pollution and management of scarce natural resources, such as oil, to show how certain "relatively new problems" must "be dealt with without having any past reference." The paper shows clarity of thought, and the writer provides adequate development of the major ideas. Although there are some lapses in sentence construction that create an occasional awkward phrase, the writer's command of language is adequate. The paper begins with an effective sentence that engages the reader's interest. The primary focus of the paragraph is the Vietnam War, but the writer (cads the reader to a discussion of that event by progressing chronologically and from the general to the specific, from World


Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample War II to Vietnam. The coherent pattern of sentences in this paragraph holds the reader's attention, and the writer begins sentences with words or phrases that serve as linking devices ("For example," "Later," "Again," "However,"). The second paragraph provides additional elaboration on the Vietnam War and adds another specific example (the "economic problems" caused by the stock market crash). Once more, the writer prepares the reader for the new example through the use of a transitional phrase ("Even with economic problems") that also works to connect the two examples thematically. Throughout the paper, the writer exhibits control and indicates the paper's organizational strategy by connecting related sentences and ideas. This provides the paper with focus and a sense of unity. The writer moves smoothly to a consideration of problems that do not seem to have "any past reference." There is not much development of either issue (pollution or the depletion of natural resources), but they are mentioned specifically, and the writer uses them as counterpoints to the examples used earlier. The writer also uses this paragraph as a transition into a discussion of criteria related to solving problems based on past experience (the third writing task). The writer concludes that "solutions to new problems will be made from educated and calculated estimations of their effects without having any past experience to use as a reference." This logical conclusion seems consistent with the argument that has been constructed. Although the writing is generally clear and a cogent argument is presented, there are some lapses that weaken the paper. For example, in the second paragraph, the writer notes that in a future war with an Asian country "more precautions will be used to solve the problem." Apparently, the writer is referring to a previous statement regarding the difficulty of fighting a ground war in a foreign country that has a different climate, but it is not clear what "precautions" are being suggested. Perhaps "precautions" is a poorly-chosen word. Additional clarification, though, would help the paper. Still, these instances are relatively minor in the paper, and the writing is mostly clear and specific. Essay III (Score = 2)

An understanding of the past is necessary for solving problems of the present. This clause is the basis for why generations have begun to document events of the past. For as we record the events of the past, patterns can possibly be established giving possible clues to why events are occurring in the present. An analysis of history, gives the concepts of how generations extrapolated solutions to problems incurred. Although of a different era, many problems today are the same encountered in the past. An example involves the scientific community. Of the various cures to illnesses and diseases, doctors have only slightly modified medications which were given in the past. There are some cases in which no modification has been made.



However there are situations in which the past offers no assistance to the problems of today. Again, this is evident in the medical arena. Today, there is the presence of disease in which no documentation existed in the past, for example the acquired immune deficiency syndrome.

To determine whether the past can offer any benefit to solving the problems of today, one must investigate if similar problems were encountered in the past. If so, one should apply the tools to gain a practicle knowledge presented on the problem. If no solutions were submitted, then an insight into how the problem was quantitated could be questioned. Often times knowing what not to do to solving a problem is advantageous as well. Score Explanation for Essay III (Score = 2) This paper is plagued by numerous errors in usage and sentence structure that impede the effective communication of ideas. While it is possible to follow the writer's ideas, the reader must often reread a sentence in order to see its relationship to an adjacent sentence. These clarity problems are compounded by generalities and vagueness that adversely affect the development of the writer's ideas. It is apparent, however, that the writer has attempted to respond to each of the three tasks and has provided sufficient information to receive a score of 2. Several examples of the paper's clarity problems exist in the first paragraph. The writer notes that the topic statement, described by the writer as a "clause," explains the recording of history because "patterns can possibly be established giving possible clues to why events are occurring in the present." The writer's next sentence explains that a study of history "gives the concepts of how generations extrapolated solutions to problems incurred." The writer's meaning can be figured out, but the language is clumsy and difficult to decipher. The first paragraph attempts to establish that an understanding of the past helps scientists and doctors understand and treat illnesses today. This serves the purpose of explaining the topic statement. The second paragraph, then, tries to describe a specific situation in which a current problem might not require an understanding of the past. Again, the writer chooses the "medical arena" and suggests that AIDS is a disease for which "no documentation existed in the past." Although the example is specific, there is no further elaboration or explanation. In terms of development, this is the weakest section of the paper. The third paragraph begins with a paraphrase of the third writing task ("To determine whether the past can offer any benefit to solving problems of today") and notes that if one can discover "similar problems" then "one should apply the tools to gain all practicle (sic) knowledge presented on the problem." The writer does not specify what these "tools" are. Due to an awkwardness with language and a vague reference to "tools", the intended meaning is not conveyed to the reader.


Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample In order to achieve a higher score, this paper needs to be more coherent and to present more specific information. The writer has chosen to use medical examples in each writing task, which could have worked to unify the ideas in the essay, but the references are so vague and awkwardly presented that the reader has to grope to understand their meaning and connection. Topic 2 Consider this statement: Politicians too often base their decisions on what will please the voters, not on what is best for the country. Write a unified essay in which you perform the following tasks. Explain what you think the above statement means. Describe a specific situation in which a politician might make an unpopular decision for the good of the country. Discuss the principles you think should determine whether political decisions should be made to please the voters or to serve the nation. Essay IV (Score = 5)

In a representative democracy, representatives are selected by the voters to convey their ideas and values in the government. These representatives are voted for by citizens according to their degree to which they will uphold these ideas and values. Citizens would obviously not vote someone into office who believes in the opposite of the citizens on several issue. The representatives will be re-elected in the same manner; the degree to which the citizens ideas and values were upheld. It is not suprising that politicians will base their decisions on what will please the voters and not on what is best for the country. The politicians must maintain the popularity of the voters and the best method to achieve that is to please them with the actions made in governmental circles.

The politicians however are not merely carbon copies of the citizen's consensus opinions. The politicians will have opinions of their own and occasionally this may conflict with those of the voters. At this time the politicians may make an unpopular decision for what they feel is for the good of the country. One example is often seen with the petition of Nazi groups to march. While an exceptionally high majority of citizens would never want to see this march occur, many politicians would have no choice but to let the march proceede for a greater good, in this instance it is the right to free speech guaranteed by the 1st Amendment to the constitution. From this ideal, much of this country was founded and it


Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample would be hypocritical to deny it to another group regardless of how unpopular this group was to the voters.

While this is an extreme case of politicians displeasing the voters for the good of the country, there exists a great range of "grey" area where politicians and voters do not meet eye to eye. So what should be considered when making a decision to please the voters or serve the nation? Fortunately, for the most part, the voters will also have the best interest of the nation at heart but trouble can still arise. One major problem is the building of new prisons or landfills. For most voters, there is no question that they are needed, but none of the voters wants to see the prison or landfill wind up in their backyards. To deal with such problems and still remain in good standing with the voters, the politicians must learn to make consessions. For instance, in the same district where a new prison is built, a new High School and Industrial Park is set up to better education and increase jobs and the local economy.

A politicians must weigh the potential degrees of disfavor that they may incur when determining whether to serve the nation at the risk of the voters. Politicians are unable to please all of the voters all of the time, but by ensuring that unfavorable decisions are accompanied by many favorable ones, the politicians can balance on the treacherous tightrope between serving their country and serving their voters. Score Explanation for Essay IV (Score = 5) This paper clearly addresses the three elements of the rhetorical assignment, examining the issue of political decision making in a democracy as it pertains to voter input and perceptions about politically sensitive issues. The presentation is coherent, focused, well developed and unified thematically as the writer presents specific examples to illustrate the complexity of the issue. The explanation and commentary on the examples, especially the discussion of the prison/landfill dilemma in the next-to-last paragraph, engage the reader and provides ample evidence to support the writer's position. There are weaknesses in the presentation of the paper, especially minor lapses in diction and mechanics, but there is good syntactic variety and little repetition or redundancy. Sentences are well formed and purposeful. Effective word choice and imagery are used (politicians not being "carbon copies" of citizens' views, politicians keeping their footing on the treacherous tightrope"). Overall, there is a strong command of language. The first two paragraphs address one of the inherent problems in representative democracy: what should politicians do when their opinions, conscience, and sense of what is lawful happen to differ from the views of the people who elect and reelect the politicians to promote their viewpoints? The writer explains the elements of representative democracy in the first paragraph. In the second paragraph, the writer illustrates the dilemma by offering an


Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample example: Nazi groups desiring to demonstrate in a community where the vast majority of citizens oppose Nazi marches. The writer admits, in the next paragraph, that the example is an extreme one. This declaration works as a transitional device, allowing the writer to proceed to a more common and ambiguous example. By noting that the construction of landfills is favored by voters but that they seldom want them in their own communities, the writer explores the predicament facing elected officials. The writer says politicians "must weigh the potential degrees of disfavor" and acknowledges that politicians may not be able "to please all the voters all of the time." Thus, compromise is required, and the writer offers a creative solution to the hypothetical situation: build a prison and "a new High School and Industrial Park." The strength of the paper is demonstrated by the complex level at which the issues are discussed. Ideas are developed by comparing examples and reflecting on the situations and solutions presented. The lapses in language control are minor, especially considering the time constraints of the test. The writer's success in expressing ideas and exploring issues is apparent in the attention to and execution of the rhetorical assignment. Essay V (Score = 3)

The security of a politician's career generally depends on their popularity. Since most politicians make their living as such, their standard of living depends on their success as a politician. Thus, the explanation for a politician who bases his/her decisions on what will please the voters is clear: by doing so, he/she assumes that the well-being of the nation is not immediately at risk, and chooses to insure his/her own well-being.

However, in some instances, a politician may decide to act for the good of the country by malting an unpopular decision. One example of such a decision was President Lincoln's refusal to allow the seccession of the southern states to go unchallenged. In starting the Civil War, Lincoln made himself out to be a tyrant in the eyes of the entire South, effectively splitting the Nation in two. However, Lincoln's decision was based in his belief that a Nation divided against itself cannot stand. Consequently, he chose to accept the unpopularizing effects of his decision in light of its impact on the future security of the Nation.

When making a decision, a politician should weigh the consequences of the decision for his/her

own immediate welfare and the country's welfare. The final decision should give adequate priority to the nation's welfare. If the politician does not deem the nation's longterm security to be at substantial risk, he/she may act to please the voters. By doing so, the politician insures his/her own well-being until a time when a more pressing circumstance might arise. In such a pressing circumstance, or when the nation's welfare is at immediate risk, he/she should act for the nation's well-being. For such a decision could also, to some


Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample extent, preserve the well-being of the politician, and, at least, would be the politician's best effort to preserve the country. Score Explanation for Essay V (Score = 3) This paper presents a central idea (politicians please the voters to assure incumbency), notes an historical exception (President Lincoln's decisions regarding the secession of southern states), and attempts a discussion of the criteria involved in decision making when both the politician's own future and the welfare of the nation will be affected. In doing these things, the writer completes the rhetorical assignment. The paper, however, is not adequately developed and suffers, at times, from imprecise expression of ideas. The first paragraph notes that a politician's job and, thus, "well-being" depend on popularity with the voters. The writer explains that this is the reason politicians make decisions to "please the voters." The writer then notes that "by doing so, he/she assumes that the wellbeing of the nation is not immediately at risk," but the connection between the politician's assumption about the nation and the decision-making process is not clearly explained or elaborated. A specific example here might help explain the writer's point. Also, the phrase "by doing so" is somewhat confusing since it suggests, implicitly, that the politician's decision to please the voters is, in fact, part of the assumption that the nation is not at risk. It is difficult for the reader to know precisely what the writer is trying to say. The first sentence of the next paragraph is, essentially, a paraphrase of the second task in the rhetorical assignment, though it does serve as a transitional device. The writer next describes a specific situation in which a politician (Lincoln) makes an unpopular decision for the good of the country. Once again, however, the phrasing and word choice is awkward ("Lincoln made himself out to be a tyrant," "Lincoln's decision was based in his belief," "the unpopularizing effects"). These flaws diminish the clarity of the paragraph and impede the smooth flow of ideas. In the final paragraph, the writer ,Clearly asserts that the guiding principle for politicians in decision making should be the "long-term security" of the nation. This assertion is consistent with the example given in the previous paragraph. Furthermore, the writer notes that politicians may "act to please the voters" except when "a more pressing circumstance" might exist. Unfortunately, the writer does not define or explain what this circumstance might be, except to indicate that it might be a circumstance that adversely affects "the nation's welfare." A clearer, more specific indication of what this risk to the nation's welfare might be would help the writer develop and explain the idea. There are few mechanical errors in this paper, and the writer has a specific and concrete thesis. The major weaknesses in the presentation of the argument are the lack of development and occasional lapses in clarity. More sustained elaboration and effective word choice would strengthen the paper.


Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample Essay VI (Score = 1)

Politicians too often base their decisions on what will please the voters, not on what is best for the country.

In the voting process, politicians sometimes try to appeal to the public (voters) by proposing ideals that sound too good to be true. What is good for voters may not always be the best for the country as a whole.

On the other hand, what is best for a country may not be favorable for the majority of voters. For instance, the Gulf War was not everybody's choice but yet American soldiers came back as heroes. President Clinton made that decision to serve the country.

In my opinion, what determines whether political decisions should be made to please the voters or to serve the nation is the reevaluation of that decision and the analysis of its impact on the voters, then on the country. Score Explanation for Essay VI (Score = 1) This paper, though clearly written in terms of mechanics and sentence structure, expresses ideas without connecting or developing them. This writer appears to understand the rhetorical assignment and uses transitions to move from sentence to sentence ("On the other hand," "For instance," and "In my opinion"), but there is little evidence of connections between ideas. The amount of information presented is minimal. The essay begins with an assertion (politicians propose "ideals that sound too good to be true"), but the second sentence adds little new information. The reader may also be somewhat confused by the use of the word "ideals" since the writer seems to mean "ideas." Whether the intention is to use "ideals" or "ideas," additional clarification is needed. In the second paragraph, the writer attempts to describe a specific situation in which an unpopular decision (the Gulf War) was made for the good of the country. The writer notes, however, that soldiers came back as heroes, implying that voters approved of the action. Again, additional information is needed to address and define the issue. The concluding paragraph consists of a single sentence composed of along phrase from the rhetorical assignment ("whether political decisions should be made to please the voters or to serve the nation") and a general comment that decisions should be reevaluated in terms of their impact on the voters. This general statement is the only criterion offered. There is no discussion of the principles involved in political decision making.


Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample The paper could be improved by a clearer presentation of the central idea, a more thorough and logical development of the ideas that support the thesis, and greater attention to the connection of ideas within the paragraphs. Topic 3 Consider this statement: No matter how oppressive a government, violent revolution is never justified. Write a unified essay in which you perform the following tasks. Explain what you think the above statement means. Describe a specific situation in which violent revolution might be justified. Discuss what you think determines whether or not violent revolution is justified. Essay VII (Score = 6)

The familiar idiom, "He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword", is echoed in any statement that condemns violence. It is a very simple principle based on a very logical argument. Violence invites more of the same. If a government is overthrown by violent means, then a precedent has been set and there is nothing stopping others from doing the same again. Therefore, revolutionary governments topple almost as quickly as they rise or else they become as oppressive as that which they fought to replace. These cycles make no sense to a large number of people and thus, there are many who prescribe to a similar line of thought. Often, these people dream of changing the world around them only by example and quiet protest.

However, time and again, this seemingly laudable course of action is forgone in favour of the

quick, simpler, more violent situations to problems. It cannot be argued that Vladmir Lenin was not a thinking man, and yet it was he who invited the masses to take part in what he correctly forsaw as a "bloody revolution". His reasons were complex, and not without regret. Basically, Lenin saw no hope of change, not only in the near future of the Russian proletariat, but ever. The ruling minority was too firmly entrenched and counting on the fear instilled in the people to help maintain rule. Worse than this, at the time Lenin could find no other way to appeal to the government via quiet protest, as this would fall upon deaf ears. Furthermore, Lenin needed a device to spur the masses to action. Faced with the long-term suffering and perhaps extinction of so many, he essentially forced a confrontation through violence. Although there are differing opinions as to the success of the Russian Revolution, there is no doubt in the minds of many oppressed peoples that quiet revolution can only go so far. Essentially, then, violence justifies itself in the minds of the masses when they become overburdened with layer upon layer of mistreatment.



Many have theorized that the confrontation between royalty and subjects brought about by Lenin would have happened eventually in any case. It is also argued that it could have happened in a more peaceful manner; faced with the possibility of massive genocide, could any ruling faction resist to the people's demands? The ideal, of course, is when rulers are quick to realize that oppression denies fundamental humanity to many. In practice, this is often not the case. If the rulers are human themselves, they are subject to greed and corruption. Thus, violent revolutions do occur. Whether or not they are justified (in terms of democratic thinking) depends on whether some form of oppression is lifted from the masses as a net result. Whether or not violent revolutions will be successful or not depends more on the quality of the new government installed. However, in terms of absolute right and wrong, one is forced to return to the initial premise and state that it only sets the stage for a renewal of violence.

Score Explanation for Essay VII (Score = 6) This paper is clear and well-focused, presenting a thorough analysis of the central idea, expressed by the writer as "Violence invites more of the same." The paper moves logically from one paragraph to the next, sustained by an effective organization and fluent prose. The writer offers both concrete details (the Russian Revolution) and an abstract discussion of the nature of violence in political struggles. Though there are minor lapses in language control (for example, "prescribe to" instead of "subscribe to"), the argument is cohesive and the writer generally uses appropriate words and phrases to convey ideas. Given the time limitations for the Writing Sample, the paper is impressive. In addition to stating a concise thesis, the writer explains the topic statement and begins to explore its implications in the opening paragraph. The writer suggests that the use of violence to force change sets a precedent, noting that "revolutionary governments topple almost as quickly as they rise." People who view "these cycles" as senseless are those who support change "only by example and quiet protest." Thus, the writer explains the logic behind the topic statement. The first sentence of the second paragraph serves as a lucid and effective transition to a description of a specific situation in which violent revolution might have been justified. The writer then provides extensive detail and analysis of Lenin's thinking and role in the Russian Revolution. This section of the paper provides a deliberate and reasoned reflection on the "bloody revolution." The writer explores the issue by alternating between factual detail and analysis. To conclude, the writer states that "violence justifies itself in the minds of the masses when the (sic) become overburdened with layer upon layer of mistreatment." Throughout this paragraph, the writer uses words and phrases ("laudable," "entrenched," "extinction of so many," "overburdened,") effectively. The choices are deliberate (such as the repetition of the phrase "quiet revolution" in the middle of this paragraph to contrast with the similar phrase in the first paragraph) and indicate a strong control of language.


Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample The last paragraph is a discussion of the terms by which the success of a violent revolution may be judged. The paragraph completes a process of reasoning that began with the opening sentences of the paper. The sentences vary in structure and progress logically throughout the paragraph. The final sentence, "...one is forced to return to the initial premise and state that it only sets the stage for renewal of violence," brings the paper to a conclusion and reinforces the central idea. The paper demonstrates a high degree of proficiency in organizing and communicating ideas. The major ideas are substantially developed and their implications fully explored. The writer's control of language contributes significantly to this well-integrated response. Essay VIII (Score = 4)

"No matter how oppressive a government, violent revolution is never justified." This statement

can be argued when the term government is understood to mean a legislative and judicial body which is concerned with carrying out the daily business of running a society. Oppression is a subjective term. What one member of society might describe as oppressive may be beneficial to another member of the same society. In imposing stricter taxes for foreign goods, the government is attempting to protect the industries and jobs of its citizens. One man wishing to buy foreign goods may view the situation as oppressive while a factory worker within the society finds the policy fair. Violent overthrow of the government due to its oppressive policies is not always clear-cut. This is certainly evident in the previous example. Therefore, to insure continued success in its day to day business of government, the governing body should never succumb to coup d'ettas for reform.

History has given numerous examples of justifiable and violent reform movements. The coup

in Haiti in 1986 was considered justifiable. The ruling family of Duvaliers no longer cared about the governing of its society members. Every reasonable attempt at reform was snuffed out by secret police. When attempts to change government policies and societal conditions are no longer permitted by the entrenched few within the government, society members have the unalienable right to demand a return of government's powers into their hands.

When determining what guidelines should be used to decide when violent revolution is justifiable,

one must be careful to delineate between governmental policies which do not agree with the individual and policies which do not agree with the whole body of the governed. Attempts at reform must always work from within the governing body. When the government fails to listen to its constituents, the people must resort to their right to reestablish a "people's" government.


Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample Score Explanation for Essay VIII (Score = 4) This paper shows clarity of thought, presents a central idea (the perception of whether or not a government is oppressive depends on the perspective of individual citizens), and adequately supports this central idea with specific and relevant examples. The writer recognizes some complexity in the issue and responds appropriately to each of the three writing tasks. Despite some lapses in word choice and sentence structure, the writing displays a command of the language.

In the first paragraph, the writer makes an attempt to define one of the key critical terms by stating that "government is understood to mean a legislative and judicial body which is concerned with carrying out the daily business of running a society." An attempt is also made to define the term "oppression." The writer provides a hypothetical example (the notion of an import tax) to illustrate that what is oppressive to one member of society (a consumer wishing to purchase foreign goods) is "fair" to another citizen (the factory worker whose job is protected). In this manner, the writer accomplishes the first writing task. In addition, the writer handles the complexity of the issue by noting that the need for a "violent overthrow ...is not always clear-cut." This conclusion provides some analysis of the issue and summarizes the ideas presented. The second paragraph presents a contrasting scenario, a specific situation in which "violent reform" is justifiable. Instead of using a hypothetical example, the writer chooses to describe the background of an actual event, the 1986 Haitian coup. The writer explains that the nation's rulers, the Duvaliers, "no longer cared about" governing and had resisted "every reasonable attempt at reform." The last sentence of the paragraph indicates the conditions within a society that must exist before violent reform is justified. Although the paragraph is brief, each sentence expresses a new idea and moves the writer's argument forward. In the final paragraph, the writer expands somewhat on the criteria established in the previous paragraph, noting that one must distinguish between policies "which do not agree with the individual and policies which do not agree with the whole body of the governed." There is not much additional development in this paragraph, but the ideas presented are consistent with the ideas and examples presented earlier. The paper's focus remains constant. Occasionally, imprecise word choice or awkward sentence construction makes the argument hard to follow. For example, the word "delineate" is used when the writer should use "differentiate." This lack of precision also can be seen in some of the sentences, such as "Violent overthrow of the government due to its oppressive policies is not always clear-cut." To receive a higher score, the paper would have to include additional support and analysis of the central idea and exhibit a stronger command of the language. The treatment of the rhetorical assignment is coherent, however, and demonstrates a degree of proficiency at expressing the writer's ideas about the topic.


Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample Essay IX (Score = 2)

Violent revolution is just that -- violent. Even under oppressive government it is not justified. Oppression is no excuse to cause countless deaths and injuries. If a government is oppressive and revolution is necessary then other means besides violence should be employed. The end does not justify the means.

However, if a government becomes so oppressive that it tries to silence those against it by violence than a violent revolution may be justified. If, for example, the government is committing mass murders, such as what seems to be happening right now in Iraq against the Kurds, then the only way to stop that violence is violence. If its government is causing deaths to occur among the people then a violent revolution might be called for.

Violent revolution, in my opinion, can only bejustified under extreme oppressive conditions. It is

justified if its government causes people's death either by murder or by such things as starvation. Under these types of conditions, when the govemment has absolutely no regard for the well being of its people, violent revolution may be the only option the people have for freeing themselves.

Score Explanation for Essay IX (Score = 2) This paper, though clearly written, leaves the major ideas underdeveloped. A single specific example appears in the second paragraph, and several general references are presented elsewhere ("countless deaths," "murder," "starvation"), but there is little elaboration of the central ideas of the paper. Although the essay addresses each of the required writing tasks in a separate paragraph, there is little integration or connection between the paragraphs. The first paragraph explains the topic statement by declaring that "even under oppressive government" violent revolution "is not justified." The writer declares that "oppression is no excuse to cause countless deaths" because "other means" are available. The last sentence of the paragraph, though a cliche, effectively sums up the ideas expressed to this point. The writer shifts focus and argues in the next two paragraphs that under certain circumstances ("extreme oppressive conditions") violent revolution is justified. The idea that a murderous government invites overthrow is briefly illustrated in the example of Kurds being murdered in Iraq. This idea, however, is simply repeated without much further development. For example, the following phrases in the second and third paragraphs restate the same idea: "If the government is committing mass murders..."; "If the government is causing deaths to occur..."; and "...if its government causes people's death either by murder or by such things as starvation." These phrases help to define some criteria determining whether or not violent revolution is justified (the third writing task), but no new information is offered. There is no attempt to deal with the complexity of the topic.


The writer moves smoothly from one sentence to another in each paragraph, often using transitional words or phrases to link the sentences ("however," "for example," "under these types of conditions"). The reader has no trouble following the writer's ideas, except when the focus abruptly changes after the first paragraph. The paper could, however, be improved by a more thorough and complete examination of the issue. While the writer offers brief definitions of the critical terms ("Violent revolution is just that-violent."), more explanation and discussion of the important concepts (violent revolution, oppressive government, justified actions) would have been helpful. In short, for this paper to receive a higher score, additional elaboration of ideas would be necessary. Essay X (Score = 1)

Any type of violence means breaking the law and therefore cannot be justified. It is not justifiable to break the laws. If everyone broke laws rioting would result. People who support violence not only break laws, but they refuse to face the consequences of breaking the law. Thus, their actions cannot be justified. It is not right to break laws and not face the consequences. If you are going to break the laws you must be prepared to face the consequences, even if this means death!

Governing bodies should not commit violence because they should not violate the laws of the country. If they break laws, they set bad examples for the people of the country.

I believe violent revolution cannot be justified unless the group breaking the laws faces up to the consequences. Their are many ways to promote one's view besides breaking the law. Peaceful demonstrations can easily be used to bring about change.

Such things as sit ins, strikes, and marches can be used to make one's point without breaking the law. These things are not illegal.

Governing bodies will pay attention to peaceful forms of protest and may even do things to

make changes without any type of violence being committed. I believe violence is illegal!

Score Explanation for Essay X (Score = 1)

This paper discusses violence and the belief that lawbreakers should "face the consequences of breaking the law;" it mentions "violent revolution" but fails to address any of the three writing tasks clearly. While the essay contains references to violent revolution and the assertion that violence "cannot be justified", the writing does not demonstrate an adequate

Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample understanding of the rhetorical assignment. In addition, ideas are expressed without being clarified or connected to other ideas. The presentation is neither clear nor logical. Variations on the phrase "breaking the law" appear many times in this essay. In the first paragraph this idea is not developed or extended beyond the concept that people who break the law should "face the consequences." In the second paragraph, the writer indicates that if "governing bodies" break the laws "they set bad examples for the people." The third paragraph seems to suggest that violent revolution might be justified if "the group breaking the laws faces up to the consequences." The references to people, governing bodies, and groups are vague and somewhat confusing. The only connection between the paragraphs is the repetition of the phrase "breaking the law." In the third paragraph, the writer proposes "peaceful demonstrations" as a solution or alternative for revolutionaries who desire change. The writer extends this idea briefly in the next paragraph. The contrast drawn between violent, or illegal, action and legal actions (demonstrations, strikes, marches) is one of the few clearly presented ideas.

Nowhere in the paper does the writer address the nature of oppressive government, one of the key critical terms in the topic statement. This omission prevents the writer from exploring one of the possible nuances of the issue: that the qualities exhibited by a particular government may dictate the need for violent revolution. A definition of oppressive government might have allowed for a more elaborated argument. The writing in this paper demonstrates correct use of language, and there is some evidence of sentence variety. Overall, however, the ideas in the paper remain virtually undeveloped and poorly connected. To achieve a higher score, the writer would need to address the tasks in the rhetorical assignment, establish a clear thesis, and present an argument with more examples and less repetition. Topic 4 Consider this statement: In a free society, individuals must be allowed to do as they choose. Write a unified essay in which you perform the following tasks. Explain what you think the above statement means. Describe a specific situation in which individuals in a free society should not be allowed to do as they choose. Discuss what you think determines when a free society is justified in restricting an individual's actions.


Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample Essay XI (Score = 5)

The social and political ideals that have shaped society since the founding of the country make it almost inevitable that in a democratic society, a "free" society, and formation of personal identity would hinge upon the individual's right to self-determination. In America, for example, the "self-made" person receives the highest praise, and the romantic notion still exists that anyone in America can become anything -- that not even the Presidency is out of reach for the humblest and least well-off of us.

The lessons of history -- slavery, economic hardship, and tendency for power to concentrate within select groups blessed by accidents of birth to occupy positions of political leadership or financial control -teach us that the ideal of an equal society blind to social station is often more a dream than a reality. But even so, there is something undeniably sacred about the individual's right to do as he or she choses, an idea that shares the same root as "all people are created equal," although in a much more personal context. We as a country might not be able to offer the worst off of us the guarantee of a better life, but we cannot deny them the freedom to try for themselves.

Hence the essential truth of the statement, "In a free society, individuals must be allowed to do as

they choose." To live in a society that often (benignly?) neglects its citizens is chilling enough. But for a government to deny this most basic of rights -- in a sense, taking away the individual's freedom to dream of self-sufficiency, or to work toward that dream -- would be essentially to practice a form of totalitarianism.

There are, however, situations in which the freedom to do as one chases must be restricted: for example, "hate crimes", i.e., the oppression of one person or group of people based on prejudical notions about the person or group. Hate crimes cover a broad spectrum of offenses: everything from sexual harassment in the work place to the brutal murders of blacks by whites. People who inflict such hate upon others are certainly "doing as they choose"; no one is forcing them to exercise such violent "rights" and just as certain, these people should not be permitted to exercise "such" freedom.

I believe the question that must always be asked about the exercise of individual rights is: does such exercise endanger or in fact harm others? Do one person's demands for selfdetermination involve limiting others' rights to the same freedom? If the answer is yes, then I believe society, even a "free society" is justified in restricting that individual's actions. There are certain acts that must not be tolerated, for to do so is to award greater personal freedom to those who least deserve it, and at the cost of a nation's soul.

Score Explanation for Essay XI (Score = 5) The paper as a whole focuses clearly on the topic defined by the statement and fully addresses each of the three writing tasks in the rhetorical assignment. Paragraphs 1, 2, and


Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample 3 respond to the first task ("Explain what you think the statement means"), Paragraph 4 responds to the second task ("Describe a specific situation in which individuals in a free society should not be allowed to do as they choose"), and Paragraph 5 responds to the third task ("Discuss what you think determines when a free society is justified in restricting an individual's actions"). The paper presents a thoughtful analysis of both the statement and the implications of the statement. The explanation of the statement begins in the first two sentences with an examination of the importance of the ideal of self-determination to a democratic society and a discussion in the following two sentences of how this ideal often conflicts with reality. This introduction clearly focuses the paper on the statement's central idea and provides a foundation for the second and third writing tasks. Paragraph 4 brings the statement into conflict with an example that would seem to contradict it, and Paragraph 5 resolves, or synthesizes, these opposing ideas with a discussion of the basis upon which one should decide when to limit the exercise of individual rights. The paper conveys its ideas in a unified, logically connected manner. The paragraphs are clearly and appropriately organized around a particular topic and are related to one another. There is a cohesiveness to the paper, with appropriate transitions used both within and between paragraphs (i.e., "Hence the essential truth of the statement" in Paragraph 3 or "There are, however, situations in which freedom to do as one chosen must be restricted" in Paragraph 4). Generalizations are explained with varying levels of specificity as needed (as in Paragraph 4). The writing is clear and precise overall. For example, there is variety in sentence structure (compare complex sentences, such as Sentence 3 to the shorter, more direct Sentence 12 or to the use of questions in Paragraph 5) and precision in word choice ("the ideal of an equal society blind to social station is often more a dream than a reality" or "the oppression of one person or group of people based on prejudicial notions about the person or group", for example). Although the paper contains some minor errors (such as the misspelling of "totalitarianism" and "prejudicial" and the incomplete nature of Sentence 6), they do not detract from its overall effectiveness. Essay XII (Score = 3)

Our country was created on the basis of a haven for freedom. Since the landing of the Piligrims

people have often come to America because they were being opressed by a foreign government that tried to restrict their action. The first settlers of this country wished to allow themselves the freedom their own country denied them. One of the main rights our forefathers developed was the idea that people should be allowed to live, work and worship as they chose to. Also that they would have the freedom to say and think what they believe. This idea has stayed true throughout America's history. What I think the statement "In a


Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample free society individuals must be allowed to do as they choose" means is just that. If we cannot do what we want then there is no freedom and the idea of America is a lie.

Under some circumstance it is not right to allow people to do whatever they want to do. Take draft dodging. If the nation needs you in a time of war, it is not right of you to avoid the responsibility of fighting for your country that allows you to live so freely. The nation has laws that must be obeyed if everyone is to enjoy their democratic rights. Dodging the draft is breaking a law plus avoiding responsibility. It is true that war is dangerous. Many people lost their lives in battle, but the country also make heros from its soldiers. Look at Dwight "Ike" Eisenhower, General McArthur, or further back in the Civil War people like U.S. Grant and Sherman. In Civil War days there were African Americans who had to struggle for the right to even sign up for battle. They were trained in separate camps and most of them had to do meanial work like cleaning the latrine. But most of them also got to fight and they were brave. They helped to keep the country together in one piece and free of slavery.

What I think determines when a free society is justified in restricting an individual's actions is this -- if their actions break a law. Whether it is destructive criminal behavior such as robbery or a more important issue like draft dodging. It doesn't matter. What is important is to not break the law because by doing something illegal you are threatening the well being of your fellow citizens. If you steal something you are hurting the person you took it from. If you run away from the draft you are avoiding the duty of serving the country in a time of war and that hurts all of us. By obeying the law you are protecting from commiting a crime against others. This is how we keep the country running. If you cannot stick to the rules you are only causing trouble for those around you.

Score Explanation for Essay XII (Score = 3) The paper addresses each of the three writing tasks in the rhetorical assignment. Paragraph 1 responds to the first task, Paragraph 2 responds to the second task, and Paragraph 3 responds to the third task. However, the paper as a whole is only generally focused on explaining the statement and its implications. The paper conveys its ideas at great length but with little depth. The paragraphs are ordered around particular topics, but the logical connections between sentences are not always apparent, and the ideas discussed in each paragraph are not entirely linked to one another with examples. For example, it is not clear how "draft dodging" is related to soldiers becoming heroes.

Other examples in the essay tend to drift from a focused exploration of the statement. In particular, the discussion of war in Paragraph 2 quickly digresses from the subject of justifiable restriction of an individual's actions, and the discussion of lawbreaking in Paragraph 3 suffers from repetition.


Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample The ideas are expressed with some clarity, but problems are evident. For example, note that in the opening sentence the prepositional phrase "on the basis of a haven for freedom" should read "on the basis of freedom" or "as a haven for freedom." There is some variety in sentence structure (compare Sentence 4 to Sentence 10, for example) but little variety in word choice (the repeated reliance throughout the paper on the words "country," "freedom," "right," "law"). The most dramatic improvements to be made in this paper are in the areas of focus and organization. Rather than digress or repeat itself, the paper would benefit from a more focused analysis of the statement and its implications. Logical transitions between sentences would sharpen the connection between the ideas discussed in the paper. Finally, some practice of the sort offered in an introductory writing course may help the writer in composing more varied sentences and unified paragraph


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Scoring the MCAT Writing Sample