SHAME RESILIENCEPresented by: Karrol-Jo Foster, LMHC, CAP, ACRPS

WHAT IS SHAME?

SHAME

An intense feeling of being not loved

We all have it and it is one of the most primitive human emotions

that we experience

We all are afraid to talk about it

The less we talk about it the more control it has over our lives

(Brown, 2006)

Basic feeling of inferiority. Involves the perception of oneself as a

failure or feeling unacceptable to others. Shame can involve

feeling “flawed,” “unworthy” or “not good enough.”

People who were put down or insulted as children, either directly

or indirectly, may end up much more prone to shame-based

thinking as adults.

SHAME

(Bradshaw, 2002)

WOMEN AND SHAME

FOUR ELEMENTS OF SHAME RESILIENCE

Recognizing Shame and Shame Triggers

Practicing Critical Awareness

Reaching Out to Others to Find and Offer Empathy

Speaking Shame

12 SHAME TRIGGERS

1. Appearance and Body Image

2. Money and Work

3. Motherhood or Fatherhood (fulfilling these roles)

4. Family

5. Parenting (being an effective parent)

6. Mental and physical health (including addiction)

7. Sex

8. Aging

9. Religion

10. Speaking out

11. Surviving trauma

12. Being stereotyped and labeled

COMMON REACTIONS TO SHAME

In her research on Shame, Brene Brown found that when people don’t recognize their shame and the expectations and

messages that trigger shame, we put up shame screens. A shame screen is a defense mechanism that we use to protect

ourselves as it triggers our primal fight, flight, or freeze response. It means we either –

• Move against shame by trying to gain control or power over others or being aggressive.

• Move away from shame by withdrawing, hiding, keeping secrets, or staying silent, and

• Move towards shame by seeking approval and belonging.

By recognizing our shame screens, we can make alternative choices as shame screens do not work and can cut us off from

what we want most in life – authentic connection with ourselves and others.

We do this through developing empathy!

CRITICAL AWARENESS

Pathologizing Normalizing

I am bad I did something bad

Something is wrong with me I’m not the only one

I always screw things up I made a mistake

REACHING OUT TO OTHERS (CONNECTION)

When you reach out, you create a

connection. This connection helps beat

the shame bully. You have someone on

your side that can say “You Are Not

Alone”

SPEAKING SHAME

Shutting Down

Acting Out

Express how we feel

Ask for what we need

↔

When someone does not speak their shame they often times turn to

a compulsive behavior to check out of the painful feelings they are experiencing.

IRRATIONAL THINKING

I must get everyone’s approval

I must be perfect

Mistakes are bad

If I am not like __________ then I am not a valuable

person

Everyone can see my faults

I am not worthy of forgiveness

I can still feel good about myself even

if some people do not approve of me↔

Irrational thoughts and beliefs can fuel shame. These untruths can perpetuate negative

feelings we have about ourselves.

What is one thing you have changed for the better in

your life?

What is one thing that you can think of that you have

done to help someone else in need?

What is one more thing in your life right now that you

feel positive and grateful about today?

QUESTIONS & DISCUSSION