Shanghai Scottish Football Team End of Season Awards - 2012

THE BEGINNING - 1866

THE RE-BIRTH

King Kenny’s washing machine breaks down Just a night before the big game, Kenny McDonald has had to call out the engineers to fix his washing machine. In a frantic dash to shrink his football strip, after the 8th boil wash the Kunshan made washing machine just broke down. Reports say he has had to resort to scissors and cut the sleeves. Lets hope he uses them for his hair aswell…. More Scottish news

Campbell caught in Shanghai Massage parlour covered in oil. Our photographer caught, Mr Murray Campbell in a rather compromising situation last night. With his trousers literally down at his ankles, 3 young pretty Chinese Masseurs were rubbing furiously on his lower half. As Murray grabbed our camera to stop the photos he claimed “they’re oiling and rubbing my hamstring, honest! I need to play this game”..

Jope “Gers just couldn’t afford me”.

The Glasgow Rangers scouts were apparently at Jingan Stadium on Wednesday evening looking for replacements before the mass summer exodus from Ibrox. The scout apparently had his eyes on solid defender Jope.

However, when the after match discussions took place and topic turned to financial matters Jope reportedly commented “Gers couldny afford me, I’m on a massive package here with a house bigger than those in Newton Mearns, a private driver and ex-pat package..I’m staying put”!

Our reporter, Chick Young arrives in Shanghai for the Prentice- Scottowe Cup, Scotland v England latest

Supporting our team, best wishes to all from our Daily

Record readers

“Chinese Spare ribs please?” Mike Bradley has been touring the Shanghai hospitals to try and get a rib transplant. Team skipper, Phil Smiley has gave the instruction to replace the sore rib at all costs as 3 minutes is all it takes for Bradley to turn the game….More Scottish news

Man of the match, Doyle has good hands Brian Doyle missed his opportunity to take glory of his MOTM award by missing the presentation. Our camera man at the after match celebrations caught Brian at the bar apparently buying a pint for the English player who sportingly cancelled his red card after Brian’s

As the hangovers clear in the Scottish camp, discussions on where it went wrong are now being analysed. It is thought it could be down to the pre-match team talk and the call for all players to have plenty of shots. After the fry up it seems that’s what the players done before leaving Tams… “had plenty of shots”. More stories inside…

Our reporter, Chick Young arrives in Shanghai for the Prentice- Scottowe Cup, LATEST!

Scotland 3 England 1 ((This is the early edition and had to go to press at 3:45pm on Sat.)

Former French Concession roads in lockdown as Tartan Army delight locals Locals were clapping and rejoicing at having the tartan army bring colour and bagpipes to the Saturday morning usually peaceful streets of Shanghai’s French Concession. However, this morning the street cleaners were double staffed to clean the lane outside Tam’s bar after 30 Scots arrived aff the bus bursting fur a pish. Click here to see some pitch side stunners…

Tributes pour in for the “Mann” of the moment A familiar Scotland story unfolded yesterday as the Scots failed to keep their 3 1 lead at halftime, with England putting in a sponny 2nd half to win 6 3. Praise however, goes to the man who created such an amazing event making all Scots in Shanghai very proud. After the game Ainsley spoke to Chick Young and said “Its been a blast working on this event over the last few months but I can now focus on my normal job of running my chain of bars in Asia, called Mannhattans. Some may have wondered why these seedy establishments were spelt this way. Coz I own them”. Sunday Mail Exclusive…

Captain Phil Smiley “2013, Scotland will be back.

Bigger, faster and soberer”

goal line wonder save. Team mate and goalkeeper, Amanda collected the award on his behalf.

Scotland players misunderstand Bradley’s call for “plenty of shots”.

(his EL-JO, J-LO and KKK battle it out in biggest music rivalry since Beatles v Stones Shanghai is the setting for the century’s biggest battle of the music legends! People are fainting in the streets as they try to get the last of the tickets to see King Kenny of Kunshan play his gig while Latino Babe Elton John and Wig and spectacle wearing father of two, J-Lo can only manage 2 million tickets sold between them!. Click here for stunning photos of El-Jo and KKK!

Shanghai Scot’s Tartan launched

Peter Kinloch-Anderson may well be the talk of the town this weekend as the Shanghai Scots’ tartan has just been launched with much admiration from the ladies. As the launch party got underway with several of the Scots adorning the official tartan the models just couldn’t get enough of the blue n red plus 4s. One Scot, who will remain nameless, had apparently lost his pair. Found later in the cubicle of Manhattans bar.

Capt warns team not to over- indulge

End of season party time but already Capt Phil Smiley has warned any over-weight fat bastards returning after Xmas will be on the sidelines until they loose their winter blubber. Although some players at the start of this season have failed to get under the 17 stone limit throughout the season

This season it looks like that limit may have to be increased to 18 stones for next season. Inside for fat pics

The BBC arrives in Shanghai for the Guinness Cup Re-match, Scotland v Ireland. Sue Barker hosts the Shanghai Scots’ Sports Personality of the Year 2012!

“Ibrahimovic! Goal of the century! “My arse” claims Shanghai Scot’s striker, Craig McKenzie ” Its always a pleasure to witness our Auld enemy getting pumped by other teams but it was a special goal that has been branded as the best goal ever scored that’s hit the headlines. That title however, can only go to one legend and that’s Craig McKenzie of Shanghai Scots. After taking the pass from an outstanding run from David Moore, McKenzie dribbled, nutmegged several Welsh players before curling it into the top corner, a better goal there never has been, a true hero. Click inside for the interview with McKenzie and his best pal, wee Gemmill

End of season edition! What a great year for the Shanghai Scots! Truly wonderful team mates!

Alba gu brath!

Supporting our team, best wishes

to all from our Daily Record readers

Guinness Cup, SRFC, Sat 24th Nov 2012, 3:00pm KO

THE YEAR THAT WAS

Shanghai Scottish 3-6 England

Shanghai Scottish 3-4 Ireland

Shanghai Scottish 2-5 Holland

Shanghai Scottish 4-3 France Shanghai Scottish 2-2 Wales

Shanghai Scottish 6-4 Japan Played 6, Lost 3, Won 2, Drawn 1

THE YEAR THAT WAS Shanghai Masters Tournament:

Last Dulwich Dribblers: Erased from

record books

Emerald Friendlies: Played 3 Won 2

1. Fine Masters Are Always Right

2. When Fine Masters Are Wrong, Re-Read Rule 1

3. All Decisions are Final

4. Appeals Will Result In Increased Fines

SSFA DISCIPLINARY COMMITTEE RULES

The Heidi Fleiss Award For

Procurement & Supply of Women to Others

Winner: Jordan Campbell

The Bo Xi Lai Award For

Abuse of Executive Power

Winner: Alan Jope

The Darren Anderton Award For

Sicknotes

Winner: Michael Bradley (5…call it half a dozen)

The China Eastern Award For

Late Cancellations Winners: Colin Dowall (3), Richard Blyth, Brian Doyle, Finlay Walker,

Patric Dougan

The Evil Knieval Award For

Daft Injuries

Winner: David Ingram

The Stephen Fletcher Award For

Commitment to the Cause

Winners: Michael Bradley, Paula Webster

The George Best Award For

Pre Match Drinking

Winner: Finlay Walker

The Terry Fuckwitt Award

For Being unable to use

Teamer

Winners: Simon Millar, David Moore

Roger Melly Award For Putting Your Foot in it

and insulting Jopey

Winner: Patric Dougan

The Chris Iwelumo Award For

Miss of The Season

Winner: Simon Millar

How did that go over the bar???

The Dalai Lama Award For

Being the Most Unlikely Candidate to Score in Brothel

Winner: Stephen McNulty

Stephen McNulty Award For

Impersonating a Striker

Winner: Stephen McNulty

The Fat Bastard Award For Being a Greedy Bastard

Winner: Jordan Campbell

The St Winifred School Choir Award For

One Hit Wonders

Winners: Anyone who played one game

The Kama Sutra Award For

Having a go in any position

Winner: Ainsley Mann

The Genghis Khan Award For

On Field Bampottery

Winner: Brian Doyle

The Filippo Inzaghi Award for being born offside

Winner: Stephen McNulty

The lad must have been born

offside

The Mark Thatcher Award For

Navigational Issues

Winner: Alan Smith

Winston’s Award For

Whinging

Winner: Phil Smiley

The Elvis Costello “I Can’t stand up for

falling down” Award

Winner: Will Clem

The Gareth Southgate Award For

Penalty Taking

Winner: Jordan Campbell

Greg Louganis Award For

Inept Diving

Winner: Graeme Faulkner

THE USS MISSOURI AWARD

FOR HAVING A TURN LIKE A

BATTLESHIP

Winner: Craig Mackenzie

The Bruce Forsyth Award

for playing the Generation Game

Winner: The Ritchies

The Agoraphobia Award For

Fear Of Open Spaces

Winner: Bryan Thomson

The Carthusian Monk Award

For Communication

Winner: Murray Campbell

The Rev Ian Paisley Award For

Impersonating a Blue Nose Ulsterman

Winner: Dave Moore

Archbishop Desmond Tutu Award

For Truth and Reconciliation

Winner: Dave Moore

The Only Gay In The Village Award For

Being the Only Englishman to Play For Shanghai Scots

Winner: Adam Fairbrother

The Berti Vogts Award For

Tactical Prowess on the Sidelines

Winner: Michael Bradley

The Craig Levein Award For

Tactical Prowess on the Sidelines

Winner: Michael Bradley

The Lionel Logue Award For

Speech Therapy

Winner: Paula Webster

The Ban Ki Moon Award For

Diplomacy

Winner: Martin Walker

The Charlie Sheen Award For

Getting Arrested

Winner: Dave Moore

The Martin Luther King Award For

Most Inspiring Speech of the Season

Winner: King Kenny of Kunshan

The Barry Ferguson Award For

Post Match Drinking

Winner: Graeme Ker

The Craig White Award For

Not Paying Your Bills

Winner: Phil Childs

The Usain Bolt Award For

Inspiring Athletic Prowess

Winner: Michael Bradley

The Rab C Nesbitt Award For

Best Performance by a Jakey

Winner: King Kenny of

Kunshan

The Victoria Secrets Award For

Fashion Design

Winner: Craig MacKenzie

The Rebekah Brooks Award For

Tabloid Journalism

Winner: Graeme Faulkner

The Captain Mannering Award For

Looking after Dads Army

Winner: Phil Smiley

The Posh Spice Award For

Taking It Up the Arse

Winner: Colin Dowall (Text him your congratulations on 13818488145)

SEASON 2012 PLAYER AWARDS

TEAM-MATE OF THE YEAR

YOUNG PLAYER OF THE YEAR

Graeme Ker

VETERAN PLAYER OF THE YEAR

Alan Jope

Scottish Sports Personality of the year - Nominations

• Michael Bradley • King Kenny of Kunshan • Craig MacKenzie

SSSPOTY AWARD