September 1991 Volume S Number 10

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September 1991 Contents

THE COVER

DepieitsInformation on page 81.

GREAT EXPECTATIONS ...................

NAKED CITY

George Bush: one glandular sensation. Pauland Ringo. Gorillas in OUt midst. Ralph Kramdendimwit, or go-go financPlus: North Korea's Roger Ebert ........................................ Q

PARTY PooP .........................

Featiits

THE KINKFIsH: A SPECIAL PREELECTION REPORT ON DAVID DUKE

Louisiana, long renowned for its colorIti! (read: .Icazy) politics,may very well end up with l)avid Duke as its governor this fall. ANDREA Ri-DER has prepared a dossier of the American Hitters private life: his dalliance

._,-......;. ,with a stripper, his relations with gay Nazis, his miscegenational-porno. collection, his involvement in a private Caribbean invasion ..........Q

;_ HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MUFFY

ií4 AIMÉE BELL tracked down every one of the people whose weddings: were announced in the Ti,mc one Sunday 20 years ago; ANN HODGMAN waxes philosophi-cal on the establishment and bdl-bottomed bridalwar

-

-_i SELL HIGH, BUY Low, PROCEEDS Go io L. RON HUBBARD

Three dorky Scientologist brothers have amassed a fortune short-selling stocks.DEIRDRE F,NNiN(; reports they may he headed for a fall ......................Q

BUTCHER, BAKER, PROFESSIONALLY ACCREDITED CANDLESTICKMAKER

. Not just anyone can be a cosmetologistor a dog groomer or ce-

;:'í IllCflt mason. HENRYALFORDt00k 31 vocational examsand qualified

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to bccome Henry Altord, certified psychic! .... . i

-:1 '-_?" SOMEONE'S IN THE KITCHEN WITH BRUNOI .

,t ;-:=p, DAvID HANDELMAN chronicles the con-- -, cocting and hyping of New York's $15 million "event"

::::;;:ai restaurant, Planet Hollywood ................ QColifillils

,

LAUREEN HOBBS on Dan's new handler in The Webs East;l3}NNEI MARco on Fox in The Webs West; J. J. HIINSF.CKER on career-crippling plagiarism inThe Times; (:n. URAI)Y on the feud at l)isney in The Industry; Guy HAMILTON on what David1)inkins (liii for IOVC letters in Tammany Hall ........................................Q

HUMPHREY GREDDON goes philheikne in Review of Reviewers; RoyBI.OUNTJR. on Life in These 50 Confederated U.S. Jurisdictions .............Q

THESPYINDEX ................ QOVAL OFFICE DIARY

. Loyal amanuensis GEoRGE KALoGLRAKis transcribes George Bush on the thyroidthing and a new campaign slogan .................................... Qspy (ISSN 0890.1759) is publiched monthly. x.ep January ¡in,I July. 0 1991 by SI'Y Corporation. The SPY Building. 5 Union Squr

West. New York. N. Y. IO(X)3. Submiccions: Send wit), svl(.addrcssed siampeci rnvelope to same ¿iddress. For ¿dvcrcisinK SI(ç call 212-633-

6550. Second-class poscge paid ¿t New York. N. Y-. and additional maiIin othces. Annual subsripiion raies: Uiiiird States anti possessions.

$14.75; Canada. uS$25: foresail. US$45. Postmaster: Send addrcss tliaiigcs so SPY. Posi Ofike Ilox 57397. Boulder. CO 8O21-7397. For

subscriislion inlormation. call I -800- 4 i i-8 I 28. a Member. Audit Bureau of Circulations. Cnaila CIST Regiscraiicn Number R I 291)2 I 093.

How to pack for the weekend.

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- . . 656 feet to be exact. Swatch Swiss quality reaches new depths.The '91 Swatch Scuba Collection.

Available at better department and fuie jewelry stores.

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SHOCKINGLY, LABOR DAY WAS,NOT SO LONG AGO. JUST THATACOMMEMORATION OF LABOR. OF

American working people. This was beírethe phrase working people acquired its modern)nnoration as a self-justifying synonym for/1/ iiup/easa#it Caucasians (as in "The work i ngnrnunity won't stand for it!") tu use againStng plans, shameless homosexui!itv or mod-days, even among the no-longer-all-that-Jib-f labor-bashing is almost obligatory: we all

' y about do-nothing Teamsters or I 5 0,000-

a-year union videotape editors. And while nobody wantscrummier streets or parks, or employees' lives disrupted, islaying oW 1 1 500 of New York's 363,000 municipal workersreally so catastrophic These may be the last righteous union-

ctÌHgIy, ianor Dayists in Americathey were gua;'anteed

well-paying, air-conditioned, no-braitierjobs for life, damn it, and won't stand forany breach of that covenant! Yet in ourexperience, the Parking Violations Bureaustaff, for exampleespecially the over-weight woman who works Thursdaymornings at the Brooklyn towed-cardepotcould actually ,'iaud a few layoffs.

4tr' But, of course, most nonunion workers are t rcated liktscum. Full-scale class varfare would be inconveniiit. hut whoamong us wouldn't enjoy a few violent worker uprisingsashOW trial for the people who run McKinsey & Company,Larry Tisch's head on a pike, IBM's John Akers forced into

.) Or, more plausibly, Swifry Lazar, the Ilolly-od bars? Motoring down his Beverly Hills

r to make a lunch date at Le Dome, Swifty" It 'vas absurd," he said later. "a slight mat-ng.

"In Washington, highly placed peo-

so fTUCh to physical violence (though C;.ly now says he once sought White House au-to murder columnist Jack Anderson) as toayal. Trying to shuck off blame for his freecorporate jets, John Sununu, t he most hatedD.C. since Liddv's bosses Haldiìì«m and Ehr-lichman, said it wasn't his fault. it was ab-

SIPTIMRFR 1991 SPY

surd, a slight matter, a White Housethinga screwup. he claimed, by hisscheduler, a woman named JackieKennedy. (Sununu and Kennedy bothcontain two ,is and three vowels; Su-riunii and JFK both attended collegein (;ambridge, Massachusetts. JFKhad just one son, named John. JohnSununu. . .John, son, ¡mo. Does Oli-ver Stone know all this?)

For most of the summcr, Presi-dent Bushlike a dog, almost un-bearably loyaldeclined to askSununu to resign, or to ask DanQ uayle to step aside in 1992, or toask Gordon Liddy to liquidate hisson Neil. Neil is to George almostexactly as Billy Carter was to Jim-my: Billy was the living caricatureof the ne'er-do-weIl southern-red-neck schemer trading on his broth-ers stature; Neil. the living carica-turc of the neer-do-well WASP-twit schemer trading on Dad's. Un-fortunately, Neilwho now has hisown legal-defense fund organized bya former Republican congressmanisnt getting nearly the relentlesspress razzing that Billy got.

Where was the uproar, for in-stance, when the presidents son waskicked out of Denver tennis tour-nament this summer for cheating?The U.S. Tennis Association ranksNeil at 5.5, but lie signed up toplay in the 4.5 category. (lt was,needless to say, absurd, a slight mat-ter, a country-club thing.) Severalweeks later, Neil started a new careeras a TV sports

lt seems that allprominent baby-boomer Republi-cans are, whenpressed, assholes.Ohio congressmanJohn Ka.sich, a 39-year-old Rpubli-can, chummedaround with coun-try singer DwightYoakam during aD.C. gig this summer with theGrateful Dead. When Kasich triedand failed to clamber onstage withthe Deadwhere are dangerouslyhopped-up Hells Angels securitycordons when you need them?he

apparen t I y turned abusive, threaten-ing to have the band barred fromWashington. "I dont think I wasangry," Kasich said uncertainly toThe Vashing:on Post. Perhaps if hehadnt just attended a Dead concert.lied have been composed enough toprovide a more unequivocal soundbiteli Wá5 absurd. a slight PF/alteS: abackstage thing.

According to U.S. journalism reg-ulations, ofcourse, it takesthree instances ofa trend to proveits existence, andit helps if theyregeographicallydisparate. Wevegot a D.C., aD e n y e r - a n y -

thing in, say,sotitherri Cali-

forma' At a Malibu party for GeorgeBush given by the fishy movie pro-ducer Jerry Weintraub, Jon Bon Joviwas asked by a reporter if he was aRepublican. "Yeah,' the singer ofBad Medicine replied, Im main-

stream. ' Thats right, ¡he Bush-KauichPrinciple u'orku in reverse loo: all cele-brated young assholes are, whenpressed. Republicans.

\Vitlì his appointment of CIar-ence Thomas, the divorced formerpothead, Bush forged an extraordi-nary new coalition: Thomas is sup-ported by Tawana Brawley's radicallawyer Vernon Mason and by Nazi!Kiansman turned Republican DavidDuke. How hopeful, how 1990sinone stroke we've achieved consensusbetween black racist lunatics andwhite racist lunatics.

Antonin Scaliathe stupidestcurrent Supreme Court justice?voted with the majority recently touphold local bans on nude dancing.It wasnt a free-expressior' 1SSj, he

explained, since "nudity i Ubi nor-malls' engaged in for the purpose oftommunicating an idea or emotion."What would Scalia say about thenew Canadian movie Were Ta/kingVu/va, "a hilarious 5-minute feministromp" starring a woman "dressed ina rubber vulva suit and hightopsneakers' Because were pretty sure

dressing in a rubber vulva suit is nor-mally engaged in to communicate anidea, especially in Canada.

Strippers and producers of mov-ies like We're Ta/king Vulva go tocourt to insist that theyre creativeartists. Writers and producers atNBC News have gone to court toargue that they're brainless clerks,and thus deserve overtime pay, sincefederal law exempts "artistic" pro-fessionals from overtime provisions."It's not brain surgery and it's notpainting Mona Lisas," says JackFreeman, a Nightly Neu, writer."We are just not creative artists."

Maybe this is the self-deprecationdecade. ' I'm lazy, sloppy and disor-ganized." fashion designer KarlLagerfeld said recently. "There's alot of banality in life, so we makeclothes a little banal too." Its nowconsidered polite only to promoteothers hyperbolically. 'John Gotti."says his sometime lawyer, BruceCutler, is loped more thaìi an.one elsein the cit;.." And even if we despisesomeone, we must find a way to ex-press our loathing warrnl . Greg

Mosher, the director of the LincolnCenter Theater, has it down pat: "1like Rocco [Landesman. a fellow 40-ish Broadway producer who'd saidMosher had sold our), but h&s a liarand a bad producer. '

%2 like George Bush. but heSs a liar

and a bad presidezt. Hey, this feelspretty good! Perhaps the transfor-marive national mood that Bushpromised has arrived. For instance, anew New York State law bans thesale or possession of food in con tain-ers shaped like firearms. (Of course.the sale or possession o firearmsshaped like food and of firearmsshaped like firearms remains per-fectly legal.) And New Yorks high-est court has ruled that grandpar-ents can sue to force their childrento let them visit the grandchil-drentalk about absurd, a slightmatter, a household thingeven ifthe grandchildren are healthy andhappy and the grandparents areoverbearing creeps. And so thenineties dream is coming true:kindness and gentleness, strictly en-forced. whether 'ou like ir or not.

TOPTEN REASONS0 start outdoor cross.training

10. You suddenly remember the last stream you saw was on a bottle of BEER

9. Big fat guy at gym started wearing ZEBRA SKIN TIGHTS.

8. No HOT DOG vendors on trail.

7. Less likely to run into people you owe MONEY to.

6. Few FOREST CREATURES have cellular phones.

5. Thumper's zany sense of HUMOR.

4. No BAUHAUS architecture in nature

3. Deer Doo ¡s smaller than DOG DOO.

2. After one hour on STAIRCLIMBER you're still on the same floor.

1. The new AIR MOWABB outdoor cross.training shoe from Nike.

The Air Mowabb is an excellent shoe for running on trails, riding mountain bikes,

climbing hills, jumping streams or sprinting away from bearslt also iooks kind of cool, Especiaiiy when you wear it with ACG, All Conditions Gear.

BY NIKE

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rC1)ft1flJ thisissue's profllc of the

. .1 short-sel I ing Fesh-bach brothers, DEIR-

DRE FANNING discov-cred tim special joy of

working for spy. "Id be talking toone of the Feshbachs, and then an-other would sneak into the roomand say, Hi, Deirdre, I'm sfrying onyou,' " she says. "Then they'd fall onthe floor giggling. Fanning has hadmore sober reporting experiences forThe New York TiFfles and Forbes.

-1 AIMEE BELLS under-

. raking for this issuetracking down people

;.?-., whose weddings were-

announced in the-- _J Times one Sunday 20years ago, then persuading said peo-pie to talk at length to a completestranger about their personal liveswas not without its rewards. "I gotinvitations to Vail and the (;aie,"Bell says, "and one divorcé asked meifi could fix him up with someone."

I

ANN HODGMAN, whoseessay accompanies

bBells story, lost her

-. chance to have herç:.t' own nuptials an-

__j nounced in the Timesthanks to the 1978 New York Citynewspaper strike. "We only got an-nounced in the Rochester papers," shesays, her disgust evident. Hodg-man's childrens book My BabysitterIs (I Vampire was published by Pock-et Books this summer.

- DAVID HANDELMAN Confesses that after yearsof receiving press re-leases by the truck-

.load from the publi-cist Bobby Zarem, "it

was nice to finally write about oneof his various exciting projects' " -specifically, the megahyped PlanetHollywood restaurant. A contribut-ing editor at Rolling Stone, Handel-man has also written for GQ and The

New York Times Magazine.)

ÌOSPYSF.PTEMBER 1991

m

s'a

s.

a

s

Kurt Andersen E. Graydon Carter

Gerald L. Taylor

Susan Morrison

B. W. Honeycutt

Jamie MalanowskiNATIONAL WI :u*

LorraIne CademartoriMANAGIN(. kDI!O

George Kalogerakispji

James Collipos Joanne Gruher David KampSSNX» Di'»

Harriet larovicki IIWI (II RILSI ASCII

Nicki Gostin4rnS 'lloro visiAsclies

Matthew WeingardenI OP5 I IIII

Marion RosenfeldPS0DL.c1ioN EDITOR

Carter Burden Daniel CarterASShTA%T ART OlKK1IJP

John Brodie Michael HaineyS EPOS T' vs

Ted Heller Wendell Smith Wendi WilliamsPiloso iL5E 55. lIESS

Aimee BellEDIÌORIAL AN5A?,

Nian Fish Frank Koughan((SLTPiilTJNG rAsillosi EDITOR SISI..v( II

Paul Elio Andrea Lockett Gregory VillepiqueCOPY ASS15TAP1'

Cathy Clarke Barbara Hofrenning Denise Meenan Bill WilsonART AsSISTANTS

Walter Monheit Laurie Rosenwald

Deborah Michel (Los Angeles) Andrea Rider (Washington)

Karen Cho Meg Cohen Robinson Everett Linda Sue Farber Susan Homer David HyattHaiti Karisson Timothy Long Jonathan Napack Maureen Shelly Laura Spivak Sam Whitehead

INtl 55.5.

Andy Aaron, Henry Alford, Sara Barrett, Harry Benson, Barry Blitt, Roy Blount Jr., Celia Brady.John Connolly, Edward Jay Epstein. Bruce Feirstein, Drew Friedman, Tad Friend, Fred Goodman,

Humphrey Greddon, Steven Guarnaccia, Bruce Handy, Tony Hendra, Lynn Hieschberg, Laureen Hobbs,Ann Hodgman, J. J. Hunsecker. Howard Kaplan, Melik Kaylan, Mark Lasswell, Susan Lehman,

Natasha Lessnik, Guy Martin, Patty Marx, Patrick McMullan, Mark O'Donnell, David Owen,C. F. Payne, Joe Queenan, Stese Radlauer, Paul Rudnick, Luc Sante, Harry Shearer, Randall Short, Paul

Slansky, Richard Stengel, Tod Stiles, Taki, James Traub, Rachel Urquhart, Ellis Weiner, Philip Weiss,Anne Williamson, Ned Zeman and Edward Zuckerman, among others

CO'P.JIlt '.5. IL

Elaine Alimentisns'oRris!sic; MAXAC.ER

Adam DolginsMAIKIir'.5. MANAGRI

Patty NaseyPEUMO:TOS MANADOS

Michael Collins Hilary Van KlseckGerry Kreger (Los Angeles, 213.933-7211)

ADVERTISING SALES SEPSEAFS s . I

Geoffrey ReissGFNERAI MANAi,EE

Randall Stanton Jeffery StevensS lEI I 41 5). SIANADER CONTROLLER

Gina Duclayan Kristen RaynerOPfl(:I MANADIR AsSISTANT PRODUCTION MANADER

Jeffrey Estilo Ellen RosenthalbOoeKSSrsR ,Ir)VISTTSi-S. SSSLSTANT

Weridi Carlock Michael Lioscomb Kristall Richardson'.. a ti' .HIN(. AS.Si,1AXII

Oleg Boqomolniy Colin Brown Richard KanarOPFI ASSISTANTS

DesinsrType

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GUCCIT I M E P I I: C Í s

AVAILABLE IN GUCCI STORES WORLOWIUE

Froiii thi SPY MiIrooiii

The typed, single-spaced letterwas sent to several members of ourstaff. "Dear Sir," it began, 'I am

writing to you to express my concernregarding the hiring policies of theCanadian banks ......

Well, we thoug/itthe redesignmight bring us a new audience, butwe hadn't really bargained on this.And, yes, it does raise some

interesting questions. In thinking ofspy all along as a New Yorkbasednational magazine of journalism andsatire, have we perhaps definedourselves too narrowly? What if wewere to take up the cause of, say,

disgruntled teller-position applicantsin Saskatchewanwould that be sucha terrible thing? Oh, we've heardthose complaintsthe ones that sayspy is anti-this and anti-that withoutbeing pro-anything. We've heardthem, but have we really listened?Could the inspiration for an exciting

experiment in advocacy journalism,spy-style, lie within the personneldepartment of some remote financialinstitution north of the 49th Parallel?Maybe so. And if we ever begin tofeel that it does, we'll be sure to readthe rest of the letter.

spy's ubiquitous messengercritic-at-large, Walter Monheit, continuesto branch out. Alfred A. Knopfrecently mailed him an advance copyof The Actual Adventures of Michael

Missing, a quasi-autobiography byMichael Hickins. The book's May 15publication date makes blurbingsomewhat beside the pont now, butjust in case there proves to be anypaperback action down the line,Monheit decided to weigh in with afew thoughts. As he adjusted his

lampshade preparatory to steppingout one summer evening, Waltertossed this testimonial over a well-tailored shoulder (not his own):

"Missing may be Hickins, but Hickinswon't be missing from the National

flSPYSFVTFMHFR ')'

Letters to SPY

Haro oiles, Haril Chulcu

What's wrong with Walter Mon-heitlM? Too much sun at CannesToo many hors d'oeuvres at theCopa? Of four films reviewed in theJ une Blurb-o-Mat, he found only oneworthy of Oscar's consideration. I re-alize even the major studios release asubpar film now and then, but if Ivant jaded cynicism about the enter-tainment industry, I'll read Pre,niere.

On a more cheerful note, I greatlyenjoyed the bodybuilding article["Pimping Iron," by Irvin Much-nick, June). Were the piece a film,000f! spy, make room for another setof glistening bronzed muscles onyour mantelOscar! (If WalterTMisn't going to be Walterml...)

A. C. Wiliment

Ridgeu'ood, Newfrrsey

It gives one pause when a magazinethat has been described as on thecutting edge of contemporary socialconsciousness feels that homosexuali-ty makes for acceptable smear mate-rial as well as a surefire knee-slapperfor its readers. Muchnick tars hissubjects with such pathetic insinua-tions as "The magazines...appealedprimarily to consumers ofgay porn."Then he cites an obscure study thatspinelessly alleges that between 40and 75 percent of Venice Beachbodybuilders support themselves byhomosexual prostitution and "otherforms of hustling."

I could take solace in the delusionthat this was a freak aberration, butthe same issue finds Adam Begleytrashing Dick Snyder by declaringthat a former girlfriend of his nexthad an affair with another woman["A Taste of His Own Medicine").

Lloyd V ReihlSan Francisco, Calzfo'nia

We weren 't being judgmental, ju.rt infor-,naih'e. in the first instance, we were sim-

ply explaining the small-market begin-nings of Vince McMahon and the Wei-ders. in the second, for God sake, it wasSnyder's remark you took exception to,and n'e obviously inc/tided it only becauseit revealed something about his characie,:This is gay-bashing?

Three Mooseketeers

Excellent! Your Mittycsquc "WhenDisney Ran America: A SpeculativeHistory of the Near Future" [byJ amie Malanowski, June) was not asfar removed from potential reality assome might think.

A /exander Clemens

San Francisco, California

The clever "When Disney Ran Amer-ica bears a strong resemblance to ashort story in the book Free Agents,by Max Apple. In Apple's story, Tai-wan, realizing it cannot competewith China, leases itself to Disneyand is turned into a giant amuse-ment park. True, your article wasfunnier, but Apple's was first byabout seven years.

Paul AnglesLos Angeles. California

Confirmation that the ideaconcoctedindependentlyis a sensible one. There 'seven a third example: in The '80s: ALook Back. by Tony Hendra, Disneyinerge.c with the U.K. to become the Unit-

ed Magic Kingdom.

A .30-'06, although well suited tokilling humans, would make a dan-gerous and impractical bird gun.Only Robocop could hit a flyingpheasant with a rifle, and a .30-'06slug makes a golfball- to softball-sizehole that would destroy most of themeat. Gun-conscious Secret Serviceagents would have picked up onQuayle's imbecility (or sneakiness)and supplied him with the proper20- or 12-gauge shotgun loaded

Book Award committee's shortest ofshortlists corne judgment day! Ooof!"

Walter has his detractors, ofcourse. 'What was it about Monheitthat sounded familiar?" writes Harrietw. Hamilton of Chelsea, Michigan.Then I rememberedhis niovie

reviews are like those of Liz Smithfrom the early 1970s in

Cosmopolitanalways positive andpredictable. L quit reading Liz'sreviews back then because of that."

Hamilton's letter reminds us ofanother we've received. "I want topoint out an error in the April issue,"writes M. Elaine Mar of Somerville,Massachusetts. "In From the SPYMailroom you refer to Erasmus ofRotterdam as 'Of Rotterdam.' Now,

SPY, you should realize that 'Erasmus'is the proper name, and 'of Rotterdam'

only descriptive....Get my point?"Not all the mail was troni the

astonishingly credulous. DavidD'Antonio writes fromQuetzaltenanqo, Guatemala, to askhow many of him there arethat is,how many sv subscribers there are inGuatemala. (D'Antonio also mentionsriubbins, but we will ignore that, aswe have ignored all nubbinsreferences lately, even the one fromAnne Norcia of Waynesville, Ohio,who went so far as to enclose aNUBBINS ENCLOSED rubber stamp butenclosed no actual nubbins.) In anyevent, there was one sv subscriber inGuatemalaDavid D'Antoniountil hemoved to Santa Cruz. The position is

now open.To the Reader's Digest lawyers:

We're sorry. When we called RoyBlount's column "Life in TheseUnited States," we meant it as

Izon;aqe. The name of the column liasbeen changed, effective this issue.

It's happened beforethename Jason de Menil may meansomething to a few of youand it willhappen again. The pattern is familiar:a series of smart-alecky letters to theeditor, followed by a silence, followedbyin effect--a résumé. In RonJacobs's case, it wasn't a résuméexactly, but an unsolicited manuscriptfor us to consider. May we recap the

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13 SPY SEIrIMtFR 1991

steps Honolulu Ron took to guaranteea receptive audience at spy? In theJune 1989 Letters section. you willfinn Ron incorrectly pointing out a

nice ftick-tip for a magazine thatlists a chief of research on its

masthead," defending Doti Ho. callingNew York a 'dungheap," and thensigning off with something rude inHawaiian. Same section, March 1990:Ron is hack with allegations of

"another nice ftick-up" (mostly wrongagain) and takes the opportunity tocall one of our articles "terminallypointless'' and our response to hisprevious letter a 'dismal riposte."Then we sign off in Hawaiian. Thisbrings us to April 1991 and the' mildly acerbic and guaranteedinforriiative" unsolicited manUscriptfrom Ron, sonic 1,800 words on howto pack for a trip to Hawaii. This, inturn. is followed in May by anotherunsolicited Jacobs manuscriptprobably fiction, apparently fact-based aun utterly inappropriate.(Although we did like the phrase"flashed frames of erotic visions.")Given the things Jacobs has saidaboLit LIS in the past, we could best

exact our revenge by publishing him.BUt we're above that sort of pettiness.

This from Hugh Fink, RobertHirsh arid Richard Lariiprier of L.A.:"A party was being held in director-prodticer Stanley Krarîier's honor, arid,of course, reporters were on the scene

soaking uî the enlightened words ofour country's most beloved celebrities.One of those invited, Gerald

McRaneyTV's 'Major Dadwasasked which of Kramer's films reallystood out for him. His reply, afterseveral seconds of hesitant gushing,

was, 'Oh, there's s0000 many...froniVr. Strange/ove ori up .......

And there are s0000 many Patricia

Highsmith mysteries we enjoy fromThe Maltese Falco,, on up. Highsmithactually the author of the novel uponwhich Hitchcock based Sfra,,gers on aTrain and a "faithful reader" toboothas sent us, of all things, a"Separated at Birth?" suggestionfrani her home in Switzerland. "Letnie be the thousandth (probably)person to send you this photo of

with bird shot.Christopher F SwensonNewtonville, Massachusetts

Sill3' Ils. Slaughtering a pheasant with athirty-aught-six? What uv u thinking?

Me'a [10ff ilislics

What a surprise to discover thatSonny Mehta actually removed aveiled reference to Bright Lights, BigCity from Bret Easton Ellis's terriblyimportant new novel ("The Rules ofSubtraction," by Jonathan Napack,J une]. After all, he had no compunc-tions over including "Stash" (fromlama Janowitz's Slaves of New York)

and "Jamie Conway" (the protagonistof the film version of Bright Lights),to say nothing of ' Francesca" and"Skip" and passing references to "Al-¡son Poole" (all from Jay Mclnerney'sStory of My Life) and actress JamiGertz (star of the film version ofEllis's Less Than Zero). All this, mindyou, in a novel whose lead is thebrother of one of the main charactersin Ellis's awful Rules of Attraction.

A lonso Dura/de

Dallas, Texas

000iIIiye, Mr. CHIPS?

Daryl Gates and che LAPI) are a dis-grace to the majority of the dedicat-ed men and women across our nationwho are outstanding police officers["The Gazpacho Gestapo," byMichael Hainey, May]. If our politi-cians can't find it in themselves touse their elective power to removethe likes of Chief Gates, then it'shigh time we banded together toremove these weak politicians.

Foster jackWeatogue, Connecticut

oenutailou Builfiers

I very much enjoyed your profile ofPhilip Johnson ["Master Philip andthe Boys," by John Brodie, May],particularly your recounting of hisrelationship with Peter Eisenman,the bad boy of twentieth-century ar-chitecrure. I enjoyed the dubiousprivilege ofworking with Eisenman'sstaff while employed by the Wexner

, It serves you right.

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Center for the Arts in Columbus, hisfirst public commission.

The building is loathed by stu-dents, who must daily walk around its600-hot ckconstructed grid, and bymany of the people who work thereand must contend with its Alice inWonder/and detailing. Practically allthe administrative offices have win-dows that start at shoulder level andgo lo the floor. Before venturing out tolunch, staffers crawl under their desksto see what tue weather's like.

I-/ugh M. MurphyFori Lauderdale. Florida

ibazks fe,. the updateand you niighibe inierested to know that last spring. anumber of Eisenman it employees staged awildcat strike. reftusing to work untilthey urc paid back sala,y.

lts time for these styleiriongers tomake room for my generation of ar-chitects to come in and clean up theenormous neglect and the intellectu-al toxic spill they have created. lt'stime to place social, economic andenvironmental concerns above styleand fashion. IfJohnson wants to dis-cuss reality with me, I simply don'thave anything to wear to The FourSeasonsso let's make it Katz's Delior Cafe Orlin, okay?

Stezn R. Van GorpWashington. D.C.

Schill tir SculeIsThanks for the high school yearbook["SPY High," May). It's a panic.

A nita Per,

Washington. D.C.

You're right. Life really is like highschool. And you know what? Man-agernent consultants are definitelydx- hd I monitors.

PhilipJ. Franken/eidChicago. illinois

ifiher YoIco Orner tellers

From 1981 to 1984, 1 sat right out-side Don I-Iewitts office as a produc-tion secretary and broadcast associateat (50 Minutes. In all the time I workedthere, I never witnessed sexist and un-relent ing fi irtatious treatment toward

the female staff j'I'he Webs, by Lau-reen Hobbs, June). 1 lobbs's sugges-tion char "many women find theirpaths easier at 60 Minuter if they in-dulge their boss's flirtations" is base-less and demeans the talent and in-tegrity of the women who work there.If they didn't sign a letter to The Neu

York 'I'inies, it doesn't mean that Don isnor a caring and sensitive person. I wastold one day while at work that mygrandmother had suddenly died: Donoflered to provide a car ro the airportor whatever I needed (O et to Floridaimmediately. This is hardly the act ofan insensitive taskmaster.

I don't think Hobbs was really asinterested in writing about whathappened to Meredith Vieira as shewas in knocking (SO Minutes, an at-tack thinly veiled in a cloak of rigli-teous feminism.

Susan ByronSan F,'ancisco, (aiifornia

The "new" siv looks like shit.Dr. P,'eston i'fendenhallAspen. Colorado

Regarding st'Ys new format:[ J Yes

[xl Super-Fabulous Xtra ClassyCharles E. KiblingerBurlington, Verìozi

Maybe Liz Smith, at the recent PENMont Blanc Literary Gala [The tJsualSuspects, Junel, knew they knew shedidn't belong there, and maybe shefigured that as a gag, they'd fixed herplace setting with the single MontBlanc pen that didn't write properly,Acting surreptitiously on that fear,she sidled over to Brad Leithauser'splace with the idea of securing aspare. In any case, my fervent hope isthat spy has no plans to abandon itsreleniless observation of lier,

Robin SutherlandSan Francisco. Calijo'nia

SPY UY1/CO?th!S ie#;rsfro,n it.c ,'eaders. Ad-dress correspondence to SPY. The SP 'i'Building. 5 Union Square West, NewY,rk. N. Y 10003. Tpeu'ritten letters are

preferred. Please include your daytitne tele-phone nunibe,: Letters may be edited forlength or clarity. J

Shirley Horn, who Ioots like you-know-

who," she writes, enclosing photos ofHorn, the jazz singer, looking for allthe world like Mick Jagger.

Kamala White of L.A. wrote us inJune about her encounter with thedread James Toback. Perhaps you sawthe letter? Toback did. White tells ushe then made a scary phone call toherwhich is interesting, given thatback in November 1988, when wewere about to publish an article abouthim, Toback made scary phone callsto us. Be careful of what you say,White says Toback told her, when theconsequences could be so great. Aftertrying to get her to say sv hadaltered her letter (None of that ever

happened!, Toback reportedlyinsisted), he said that if she'd calledhim before writing to us, he'd haverecommended a lobotomy or amemory scan for her. You can't go

around treating people like that,concluded the aggrieved,misunderstood director.

Finally, General Norman

Schwarzkopf, through anintermediary named Captain Cathy LoPresti, contacted sp for copies of theFebruary issue, in which two

photographs of Schwarzkopf by sr»icontributing editor Harry Bensonappeared. The general wanted theissues on the double. The general gotthem. He also got the May issue,which he evidently hadn't yet seenand for whose cover he didn't exactlypose. No word yet on what he thought

of it, but, just in case, we'veinstructed the security guard to keepan eye out for a bulky, crew-cuttedfellow dressed a bit like a doorman

and armed, possibly, with a largechalkboard.

CORRECTIO NS

In August's "Town and Country," weomitted full credit for a photograph;David Graham's Shrinerat VeteransDay Parade appears in his new book,Only in America: Some Unexpected

Scenery, published by Knopf. And inMay's "Master Philip and the Boys,"we understated the cost of PeterEisenman's Wexner Center for theArts at Ohio State University; it cost$43 million to build.

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The plagiarism scandal that forced a BostonUniversity dean to resign his title has touched offa remark-able ripple effect throughout newspaper journalism's North-east Corridor, leaving imperiled careers and scraps of shatteredcredibility in its wake.

You'll recall that H. Joachim Maitre, the dean of BU's Collegeof Communication, was nailed this summer for borrowing signicantportions of his spring commencement addresswithout giving anycreditfrom a scholarly paper by, of all people. Michael Medved,PBS's scrawny nudnik oía film cnt-ic. The Boston Globe was first in re- appeared, however, the Post becameporting the controversy, publishing entangled in its own plagiarisman account of Maitre's faux pas on mess, after it was revealed that itsJ uly 2. l'be ri#es picked up the Miami-bureau chief, Laura Parker,story a day later, cursorily crediting had relied too heavily on a series ofthe (lobe's piece and printing side- Miami Herald articles in her own re-by-side excerpts from Maitre's port on Florida's infestation by mos-speech and Medved's treatise. Linde qiiîoes and grasshoppers.more than a week later, in what may The Timc, but vindictive,have been the most embarrassing was only too happy toEditors' Note in ages, the Times squeeze an unbylined ac-confessed that its piece on the pla- count of Parker's dis-giarism scandal, by Boston corre- missal into its late cdi-spondent l:ox Butterfield, liad in don on July 14, twofact been, well,/ilagiarized. days after the publica-

"Besides the quotations from Mr. tion of Kurtz's story.Maitre's speech, the Ti,nei article in- Meanwhile, for Foxcluded a passage of five paragraphs Buttenfexcuse me, Ithat closely resembled live para- just noticed that fourgraphs in the (,Iobe article," the Edi- paragraphs ago, where i de-tors' Note said. "The passage in- tail the contents of the Times'svolved comparisons of the same sets Editors' Note, I am improper-of quotations from the disputed ly dependent ontexts. While the Tiznes piece re- Kurtz's piece; inflected "independent investigation" fact, I have ap-

h, R. ,rr,,4I-1 rh

ship with Times managing editorand heir apparent Joseph Lelyveld,the plagiarism flub is strike three.Strike one was his incorrect reportin the summer of 1987 that a re-tired CIA oficial was going to linkMajor General Richard Secord to animprisoned arms smuggler in histestimony during the Iran-contrainvestigation, a mistake that re-quired the Times to publish one ofthe few front-page, above-the-foldcorrections in its history. Needlessto say, the paper of record doesn'tlike to have to do that sort of thing.Strike two was his inflammatory ar-tick last spring in which he namedWillie Smith's alleged rape victimand smeared her by reporting thatshe had "a wild streak."

While Butterfield dangles inlimbothe Times suspend-ed him for a week shortlyafter his plagiarism wasd iscovered - R ogerCohen, who brought in-telligence and savvy tothe Times's book-industrycoverage, is about to move

on. Last spring he ac-- cepted, with Italian

journalist Claudio Gatti,a reported $ 50,000

I?

offer from Farrar,ogrr Straus & Giroux

to write a quick-""Z

&#yLLI &L %1 For Butterfield, a longtime friend ie biography

note said, it was improperly depen- his paragraphs of Normandent on theG/obeaccount." verbatim. Not of managing editor Lelyveld's, the Schwartkopi.

1'he Washington Post, recognizing only that, but plagiarism flub is strike three liada golden opportunity to twit itscompetitor to the north, followedthe i',nies self-immolating clari-fication with its own report on tiiccontroversy by Howard Kurrz, thePoils media reporter. Kurtz's piecedisclosed that the Times's hand wasforced when two readers sent in let-ters pointing out the similarities be-tween the Globe and Th,ie.ç articles.

The very day that Kurtz's story

I8SPYSEPTFMBIiR 1991

tnis sanie )OKC

was used in Neuc-week and 'ihe Neu Republic not loi

ago. I admit my mistakes, apol-ogize profusely and hope thatspy's ombudsmen remember myyears of dutiful service and other-wise pristine record.

Meanwhile, for Fox Butterficld,who lias bug been protected fromstaff criticism by his close friend-

rioped trie i ¡,,iewould give him

a month off to write the book bekrclie headed off' to Jerusalem to assumeJoel Brinkley's old title as that city'sbureau chief. But in typically ac-corn rnodat i ng Times style, Lelyveld,with executive editor Max Frankel'ssupport, told Cohen to choose one orthe other, the book project or theJ erusalern assign ment . Cohen chose

the book, and will instead becomethe Times's Paris-based economicscorrespondent.

Cohen played a crucial role inthe extraordinary brouhaha pro-yoked by the publication of JacobWeisberg's tough, entertaining cri-tique of the book industry in TheNeu' Re/mb/ic. As Weisberg has him-self noted, details of the scores ofoutraged letters sent to TN!? by au-thors and agents arrived at theTimes's offices before the lettersthemselves arrived at TNR's oflices.Armed with these epistolary testa-ments to the book worlds astound-i ng th in-ski nued ness, Cohen wrotean anti-Weisberg news article thatsaid, "The arguments in thepiece. . . were not bolstered by thefact that it included two conspicu-ous errors." One error was the mis-spelling of the title of Milan Kun-dera's novel Immortality, and theother was the misidentification ofKen Auletta's new book by its old,working titlechicken feed incomparison with daily Times edito-rial boners.

Before he finished his reporting,Cohen called Weisberg for a corn-ment. At the end of his telephoneinterview with the writer, Cohencupped his hand over the phone andsaid to someone nearby, Do youwant to talk, Judy?" Now, whocould that Judy have possibly been?Judy Carne? Judy Garland? Or per-haps the much-traveled Judy Miller,deposed deputy media czar andCohen's former boss? The JudyMiller whose former editor at Simon& Schuster is Alice Mayhew, one ofthe two book-industry mandarinsnlleted in Weisberg's piece, andwhose boyfriendand future editor,possiblyis Random House editori-al director Jason Epstein, the otherbigwig skewered? Whichever Judyit was, the rallied heroically tothe defense of Mayhew and Epstein.

Finally, this from a Times captionfor a photograph of Rosa Parks atthe dedication o the National CivilRights Museum in Memphis: "Themuseum be finished by Aug. 3 1 .'

:1. J. Hiinsecker

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The Indlistlly

r1iIjI1t?DisDe Has Struck 011f

Kl iefer and Julia are kaputthat's oid newsbut things. Davis became sensitized tohave you heard about Mike and Sparky? A year ago it such fine shadings ofcharacter after

seemed they'd be 2-gether 4-ever, but Disney chairman-for- reading, in a Fortune article by Dan. . . . . '4 ,,life Michael Eisner and studio president Jeffrey Sparky Katzen-

Seligman, about a recent survey thatfound that apart from gangsters,

berg are now reportedly at odds. So much so that it s conceivable businessmen make up the majorityKatzenberg may someday leave the Mouse to head up another of television murderers. Hrnmm.studio. Unthinkable, you're saying to yourself, but consider: Martin For the number crunchers amongand Lewis and even Hitler and Mussolini eventually parted ways. you, our Bruce Willis Industrial

At the heart of Eisner and Katzenberg's falling-out is, of course, Index, inaugurated here three yearsDisney's continuing streak of duds, ago, has thus far followed the trajec-the most recent being The Rocketeer enjoying a run of good favor thanks tory of your typical bell curve. For(great look, weak plot) and Vi. War- to the reviews accorded The Doctor, Die Hard he earned $5 million, thenshawski. Though the studio's TV starring William Hurt. The movie he worked up to a high of aroundarm continues to do welleleven of won't shatter any box office records, $ I O million per picture, and our cur-its series are slated for prime-time but its prestige means a lot to Disney rent reading for future projects hasruns this fallEisner sees the film at a time when the studio can't afford him back down in, oh, the mid-division's recent failures as evidence any more failures, financial or critical. sevcn-figures. At Warners there is in-that Katzenberg is doing an made- On the subject ofpossibly endan- creasing worry that by Christ-quate job running things. And gered careers, Paramount produc- mas, Willis will have gonethat's made Big Mike very touchy. tion president Gary Lucchesi, three (or three with all-timeAt an in-house screening earlier thisyear of Hollywood Pictures's War-

the Frank Mancusoera hold-over who championed ) C

j

hall-of-fame bombs: The'

Bonfire ofihe Vanitie.c, Hildion.chawski, Eisner stormed out of the and developed Regard- . Hawk and The Last Boy

\room, saying the film was garbage. ing Henty, may soon go Scout. The latter is saidLooking to cut his losses, he ordered the way of Mancuso. to be so awful, so full ofthe number of cuts on the sound- The film's lukewarm gratuitous violence andtrack reduced and the film's market- reviews and weak box Bruce smugness, that in-ing campaign scaled back. office are enough to siders have dubbed it

$ Hudson Willis,Such criticism is a new challenge make any studio execu- Hawk 2.for Katzenberg, but introspection- cive unhappy, but Par- who believes the pressfree robo-executive that he is, Sparky amount Communica- has it out for him, is telling friendshas not sulked. Instead, he has no dons chairman Mar- he's going ro take a year off to re-doubt plunged into his work at an tin Davis was so

liadSparkyconsider his life.

even more maddening speed, setting incensed by the And finally,up 6:30 breakfast meetings where film that he rhis:John Camp-7:30 ones used to do, installing extra

. . . .

called his new . . bell, the school-. At a screening of Warshawski,lines in his car phone, ordering the studio boss, Stan- teacher who was

cleaners to put an even sharper ley Jaffe, and Eisner stormed out of the the basis for Rob-crease in his blue jeans, and so forth.

. .

said he wanted . .

r room, saying itin Williams's

was garbageAnd Hollywood Pictures president the head or who- character in DeadR icardo "El Groovo" Mestres, a man ever was respon- Poets Society, waswith legitimate worries about job sible for green-lighting it. Oddly sacked this summer. That makes .

security, has instructed his associates enough, the bottom-line-obsessed him the second real person por-to watch and wait: Warshawski, he Davis wasn't as upset about the mov- trayed on film by Williams-Au'ak-says, will vindicate me. ie's meager returns as he was about enings doctor Oliver Sacks was the

While Mestres (like Eisner and the fact that Harrison Ford's early first-to lose his job.Katzenberg, a child of Manhattan's self in the filman arrogant, blood- Adrian Cronauer: as soon as youUpper East Side) prays for redemp- less, moneyed Upper East Siderwas finish Xeroxing your résumé, jointion, his likable archrival, Touch- depicted in such a way as to make me Monday night at Mortons.stone president David Hoberman, is audiences believe those were negative Celia Brady

2OSPYSEPTEMBER 1991

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THE BOHEMIAN SPIRIT.NOT TOO HARD TO SPOT.

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The Webs East

Cronkife...Halher... 11411?

The new executive producerofTheCBSEvening News is Erik Sorensonan intelligent, easygoingsort who, in the words of a colleague, "has read one toomany self-help books. "

Before his elevation, Sorenson spent ayear and a half as executive producer of CBS This Morning; hebegan his career at the CBS affiliate in Chicago, where he workedfor the man he calls his godfather, current CBS News president EricOber. Sorenson was at KCBS in Los Angeles for several years, but nowhe has joined Ober in New York, and the two old friends lead theNews division. Sorenson's mission:to salvage the Evening New's, a pro- he instructed a researcher to "pullgram that is slipping in and out of Martha's big-mouth commercial."third place in the ratings and whose To be fair, let's point out that thisstar has become a very expensive wasn't foreign news.

problem. Still, Sorenson had his reasons forAt first, people at CBS worried hiring the fellow. What Berman

that Sorenson was just another vet- lacks in his knowledge of geographyeran of big-city happy-talk news. and modern dance he more thanHis taste for a soft-shouldered Cen- makes up for in his love of fishingwry City look did not allay these a l)time also enjoyed by thefears, and his decision to refer to the broadcast's anchorman, ,

CEO of CBS as Larry the Liquidator Dan Rather, who hasdidn't suggest that he was overbur- drafted him as a .

dened with tact and seriousness. new angling corn-Many ofhis staffalso predicted that panion. ImagineSorenson was merely a "sofry" who wading knee-would stress visual pizzazz, pre- deep in the Bat-packaged segments and Dan-w-cor- ten Kill, the longrespondent cross talk. When he hours of silencetold The Washington Post in June punctuated only by

.

that one of his first orders of husi- Rather's hoary Texas d

ness would be to develop "better aphorisms or shouts of i

over-the,.-shoulder and full-screen 'Courage!" at thegraphics for Dan," those skeptics first strike of aenjoyed the satisfaction of knowing brown trout, and.4,,, I,._1 ;,kr

LII

the embattled anchorman continuesto encourage the belief that hemight soon be leaving the EveningNeu's. Before taking three weeks'vacation this summer, Rathersought out the counsel of severaltrusted old friends. The question heasked over and over was whether heshould do the honorable thing andsimply walk away from the anchorchair (his $3-million-a-year con-tract runs through 1994), or wait tobe dragged kicking and screamingby CBS. Rather may have a place cogothe talk at CBS is that thehuge Japanese broadcast companyNHK is starting a global CNNknockoff and that it might try tohire Rather-san. Given the Japanesecorporate penchant for buying

brand names at top price,I,, is woutci make sense.Sorenson worked

.- with Paula Zahn at

-. CBS This Morn-

Paula

lug, so specula-. non grows that

she will join the;. Evening f\Tews in

,.. some capacity.Zahn has one

thing going for her,.,t leastthe network

has been aggres-sively stressinglooks over sub-

LiIy 15IL. £JI'The huge Japanese broadcast

stance when itConsidering Sorenson s local- comes into focus. comes to which

news background, CBS insiders Traditionally, the company NHK may correspondentsfigured foreign coverage might role of being try to hire Dan get airtirne.suffer, but one of his first additions ' ' ' ' ' . .''was a new foreign-news senior pro-ducer, Al Berman. Berman is nowknown around the newsroom as "thesenior producer who needs a map tofind Washington." He did nothis best foot forward when helearned of Martha Graham's deathlast spring. Having obviously con-fused the choreographer with formerPolident spokesmodel Martha Raye,

22 SPYSEPTEMBER i'»)I

Itatner s oDliga-tory playmatefell to the executive producer, yetSorenson seems little interested inthat aspect of the job. When askedby an associate his reasons for hir-ing his new quick-casting seniorproducer, he quipped, Why do youthink i hired him? So i don't have togojishing with Dan.

And speaking of going fishing,

I fiS l)St sum-mer, for exam-

pie, two of the Evening News's bet-ter female on-air talents, one a vet-eran war correspondent and theother a star Washington politicalreporter, were pushed off thebroadcast because they did notmeet the new standard of foxinessfor hard-news reporters.

- Laureen Hobbs

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Dine at the Fox commissary and get more thanjust a typical cheap studio mealhave your calories countedfor you too! Arranged according to caloric content (salads onthe left, Twinkies on the right), the menu is yet another manifes-tation of Fox chairman Barry Diller's totalitarian managementstyle. The calorie concept was his brainchild; the company joke isthat "Barry's even managed to ruin lunch."

A generous reading of recent events at the spunky Fox BroadcastingCompanydwindling ratings and advertising for erstwhile top-ten

ised national newscastwould bethat the house that Murdoch built isstill recovering from the disman-ding of its once-formidable Sundaynight. Producer Jim Brooks stillhasn't forgiven Diller for movingThe Simpsons to Thursdays oppositeCosby, a slot in which it never at-tracted the audience Fox had pre-dicted. Fox thereby managed to loseboth a very bankable TV producerand a very bankable movie director:Brooks now has a hefty packagedeal with Columbia for movies andtelevision, and his Grownups debutson ABC next month. And whenSimpsons executive producer Sam Si-monwho to the bitter end foughtfutilely and publicly to persuadeDiller ro move the show back toSundays this fallstepped backfrom the show to become an execu-tive producer at Brooks's GracieFilms, it clinched the end ola year-long power struggle between Simonand the cartoons creator, MattGroening.

Despite commendable break-throughs (The Sirnpsons, Trace)' Uil-?nan, In Living Color) and a $50 mil-lion profit that will surely embarrassthe red-ink-plagued CBS and likelyNBC as well, Fox is still routinelydismissed as the "fledgling fourthnetwork" and blamed for the de-dine of Western civilization. (Aten-year-old arrested for hitting anold lady over the head with a sand-filled sock in Central Park told po-lice he was just copying In Living

24 SPYSEPTEMBF.R 1991

Color's violent Homey the Clown.)Fox's fall lineupfiltered through abarrage of focus-group and othermarket tests by an ever-more-pow-erful audience-research depart-mentlooks no more or less inanethan anyone else's. See the cast ofBroadway's The Piano Lesson in Roc, asitcom about a happy-go-lucky gar-bageman! Feel the Bungee-jumping excitement of theadventure-reality showThe Ultimate Challenge!And watch in amaze-ment as Dabney Cole-man's talents are ' '

squandered Shut Up,Kids, a well-conceived butabysmally executed sitcom '

about a white-collar crimi-nal doing community-ser-vice time in a grade school.

Somebodythe likable enter-tainment presi-dent Peter Cher-

People arenm, say, or hislargely irrelevant for Dillerunderling, devel- the modopment vicedent Paul "Stu- Simpson's Ipid" Stupinmayhave to go down for these and otherquestionable decisions (rememberBabes?). Edge has long been Fox'sbuzzword, but many of the meddle-some suits who program the net-work tend to get anxious when ac-tually confronted with it; they'reconfused by any show trying to do

something that, as one producer putit, "can't be compared to an episodeof The i\'fary Tyler Moore Show. ' "Itsweird," says a writer on one of Fox'ssmarter comedies, "I get the feelingthey're embarrassed by their hitshowsMarried With Children, InLiving Color." When the networksgoofily parodic Chris Elliott vehicleGet a Life wanted to do a bit withElliott's character "keyed" into ablack-and-white I 940s urban back-drop, Fox executives were con-cerned that viewers wouldn't remem-ber the 1940s. And Get a Life hasnow been "slightly revised": insteadof being a quasi-psychotic 30-year-old paperboy who still lives athome, Chris will get a real job, hisown apartment and a girlfriend.

Doesn't this utterly compromisethe show's subversive, anti-

sitcom premise? No,Chemin venturesit's

really just a comedy- -.

about a Iella with a

%. i ;fr.:

Ï just as good at 'We_/ / :' \ want to do something

different, but we want.-

- j to do it in the same old'ç,_., way' as every-

an.)body else," saysanother writer.

afraid to work How is Foxresponding to

, who may be deep advertiser

el for Homer skepticism andho n e y m oo n - i s -

boss, Mr. Burns over antipathyfrom the press? .g

By handing out plum programmingjobs to publicists. The former headof Fox's notoriously erratic PR de-partment, Brad Turell, has beenplaced in charge of network spe-cials, an extraordinary responsibili-ty for a career flack whose most ob-vious skills are driving expensive

German cars and daring spectacu-larly blond women.

Equally perplexing is the rehir-¡ng of Garth Ancier, in a nebulous"entrepreneurial business relation-ship" that comes with no title anda vague development/productionmandate. Fox's first head pro-grammer back in 1986, Diller'sdisarming prodigal son lias proveda master at distancing himselffrom his failures. Behind his per-petually closed door at NBC'sshort-lived debacle Sìvnday Best

earlier this year, Ancier was al-ready working the Fox deal andboasting that he'd be jumping net-works "any day now."

After two staff purges and con-cept overhauls, the executive-pro-ducership of Fox's Personalities be-came the most otkrcd and least de-sirable in town, since Diller wouldbe micromanaging the show nomatter who was allegedly in charge.Former Los Angeles Times reporterBill Knoedelseder is the latest toplace himself under Barry's thumb,and the show has been renamedED], a contrived acronym for Enter-

tainment Daily Joi.'rnal to be pro-nounceduh-oh"edge. " (Personal-

itiesIEDJ, syndicated by Fox'sTwentieth Television division, hasbeen encouraged to cover shows onthe sister networkduring thethree-month tenure of Knoedel-seder's predecessor, Mark Toney, atleast three puff pieces ran about InLiving Color and its increasingly ar-

rogant producer-star-auteur, Keen-an Ivory Wayans.)

One explanation given to ac-count for Fox's weak executiveb('flh is that people are afraid towork for the brilliant but high-strung Diller (not to mention Ru-pert Murdoch, who has now movedto the West Coast to oversee hisHollywood empire). 1f, as insidershave whispered, Diller is the modelfor Homer Simpson's Dickensianboss, Mr. Burns, then who at thecompany most resembles Mr.Burns's simpering yes-man,Smithers? " Everyone else," says a Fox, inmate. Bennet Marco

496 Ninth Ave 37/38th 967-7850

RESTAURANT

ettevueSpecial dining rooms for parties of I 2 to 65 persons.

Kitchen and staff to cater affairs in your home or office.

Talllmaily Hail

V

DiokiAs, Kalikow, [ove [effers, Heal Estafe: Di SomehoySay

lleI?

D uring this time of economic difficulty, many had a reputation for womanizing,

New Yorkers are suffering, including Mayor David Dinkins, one that has been discussed private-. I Iwho is overwhelmed D iiscal I I lproDlems, ana Peter KaliKow, l by City Hall insiders but never

the real estate developer and owner. .

of the Post, whose empire isdocumented.

People from the campaign sayfoundering on a billion dollars of debt. It's too bad these two that once Dinkins heard that thecivic leaders can't give each other a hand. After all, SPY has learned, letters were in che Post's hands, hethey managed to secretly help each other once before. asked Harold Ickes, a labor lawyer

In September 1989, after beating Ed Koch in the Democratic prima- and longtime Kennedy operativery, Dinkins had as much as a 34 percent lead over Rudolph Giuliani who was then counsel to the Dinkinsin the polls, and it was widely as- campaign, to contact Peter Kai-sumed that he would win the keys tive, Giuliani's operatives were ikow's public-relations point man,to Gracie Mansion by about a 10- confident they had the right man Marty McLaughlin. The two han-point margin. But as Election Day to expose Dinkins's supposed indis- died the delicate negotiations be-approached, Dinkins's lead shrank, cretions. tween the camps. What was agreeddwindling to single digits during After receiving the letters, Dick- to may never be known, but the let-the final days of the campaign. In er took them to Bill Lynch, Din- ters never appeared in the Post.the end, he won by just 2 percent. kins's campaign manager, for corn- Ofcourse, there are other reasons

He was lucky to win at ail. As ment. Lynch, having never seen the why the Post may have passed onthe campaign reached its climax, letters and not wishing to have ex- the story. The letters' relevance toDinkins was in danger of becoming pressions of amazement attributed Dinkins's suitability to govern isembroiled in a nasty scandal involv- to him in the Post, offered no com- arguable. Jerry Nachman, the cdi-ing alleged marital infidelities, ment. Instead, he promptly tracked tor of the Post, today maintains thatwhich could easily have cost him down Andrew Cuomo, the gover- it was impossible to verify the let-the election. Herein lies the tale of nor's son and a Dinkins adviser, and ters' authenticity and says the paperhow that scandal was averted. the two of them headed for the was never close to printing them.

According to Dinkins-campaign presidential suite of the Sheraton Finally, the paper had to have beenadvisers and reporters who covered Centre, where Dinkins was living, worried about appearing racist bythe election, a set of purloined love apart from his wife of 39 years, dur- raising this issue. "We told themletters written to Dinkins by sever- ing the final weeks of the cam- they'd have a race riot on their handsal women while he was Manhattan paign. lt was late at night, and ifthey printed the letters," a Dinkinsborough president fell into the Dinkins, having just showered, met adviser told sPY. But even if KaI-hands of the Giuiiani campaign. his advisers in his bathrobe. At the ikow wasn't eager to print them, heThe source was thought to have last moment Lynch, embarrassed to must have seen that the Dinkinsbeen a disgruntled secretary in talk about such a personal matter camp thought he might, and thatDinkins's office who'd been denied with his boss, foisted the job on he could benefit by agreeing not to.a raise and reportedly had a sister Cuomo, who had met Dinkins only So: was there a deal? Suspiciouson Giuliani's staff. Why Dinkins a few times before. minds point to Dinkins's coopera-kept such personal correspondence According to a number of those don in Kalikow's efforts to build aon file in his office is curious, but who have heard Cuomo describe the luxury high rise on the Upper Eastpeople who saw the letters say each encounter, Dinkins emphatically de- Side as evidence that some kind ofbore the stamp of the borough nied knowing anything about the accommodation was reached.president and the time and date it letters. But then Cuomo handed At the time of the election, thewas received. him copies. The mayor-to-be report- tenants of the City and Suburban

Someone in the Giuliani camp edly stiffened, tightened the bath- Homes, a 14-building residentialinsiders believe it was consultant robe about his throat and said, complex on East 79th Street, wereRoger Ailespassed the letters to "Okay, what can we do?" Other peo- seeking landmark status for theFred Dicker, a reporter at the Post, ple who know Dinkins say he has structures to prevent Kalikow fromabout ten days before the election. never explicitly confirmed that these demolishing them. Kalikow hadIn Dicker, the paper's Albany-bu- letters came from women who had bought the buildings in 1985 forreau chief and a political conserva- been lovers his. But Dinkins has $43 million with the intention of

26SPYSEPTEMBER 1991

razing them and then putting upfour expensive high rises on thesite. In the face of considerable op-position, Kalikow amended hisplans and proposed demolishingonly the four buildings nearest theEast River; Ofl that land he woulderect a luxury tower perhaps 80 sto-ries h igh . Preservation ists opposedthis compromise and pursued thelandmark designation, which if ob-tamed would effectively kill KaI-ikow's scheme.

Hundreds of millions of dollarswere at stake, and through most of1989, Kalikow spcnt lavishly tohire lawyers and PR consultantsand historians to prepare the argu-ments that would be made beforethe Landmarks Preservation Corn-mission that the tenements didntdeserve special protection. But ac-cording to a source close to the KaI-ikow team, that formal effortseemed less urgent after the dcc-tion. Five months later, in April,the Landmarks commission ruledagainst Kalikow and gave the entireCity and Suburban complex land-mark status. However, the commis-sion's ruling still had to be ap-proved by the Board of Estimate,which, until the Charter revision,was the citys ultimate authority.Strangely enough, Kalikow's manMarty McLaughlin appeared cheer-ful after the defeat. " Don't worry,"he confided to colleagues, "we'll fixit at the Board of Estimate."

While reversals of the Land-marks commission's decisions werenot unheard of, they were rare.Winning at the Board was a matterof building coalitions and beingable to count. To pass something,you needed six votes. Three mcm-bers of the Boardthe mayor, theCity Council president (who wasAndrew Stein) and the city comp-troller (who was Elizabeth Holtz-man)had two votes apiece. The

: other members, the five boroughpresidents, had one vote each. In

! practice, mayors had been able togovern because they had enormouspower to trade for the votes of the

E borough presidents. Generally, one

borough president doesn 'r reallycare what happens in another bor-ough and is happy to side with themayor in exchange for future con-siderat ions.

In the case of Kalikow's City andSuburban homes, Mayor Dinkinslooked to be the crucial player. KaI-ikow was confident of the two votesof his good friend Stein. Holtz-man's position was unknown, but itwas thought she'd follow themayor's lead. Of the borough presi-dents, only Manhattan's Ruth Mes-singer was definitely against KaI-ikow and in favor ofgranting com-plete landmark status. The otherfour had indicated they'd considerthe one-high-rise compromise thatKalikow liad pushed.

Dinkins, while borough presi-dent, liad supported landniarkingthe site. But after he becarn niayor,and after Kalikow's paper had de-cided not to publish the story onhis love letters, liebecame less forth-right, and refusedto say how he'dcast his two votes.A month beforethe Board's vote,the Times reportedthat aides to Din-kins "noted thathe has said he fa-vors designatingat least part of thecomplex as alandmark yethas not ruledout building onpart of it."

Before thevote, Kalikowrecruited a newlobbyist: Din-kins's counsel,Harold Ickes, the labor lawyer withlimited real estate experience whowas the mayor's go-between withthe Kalikow camp on the matter ofthe letters, According to publicrecords, Ickes would earn $35,000for lobbying on Kalikow's behalf.

spy has learned that on August17. the Friday before the vote, the

punctilious mayor called Kalikowand assured the developer he'd sup-port his compromise if Kalikowneeded his votes. On Monday hecalled again. He assured Kalikowthat the four outer-borough presi-dents had committed their supportfor the compromise, and said thatsince the developer now liad amajoritythose four votes plusStein's twoDinkins planned tovote against the compromise, thusmaintaining his credentials withliberals and preservationists. Andthat's what happened: the compro-mise passed, 6-5. Longtime ob-servers of city government canhardly remember another case inwhich the Board went against thewishes of both the mayor and thepresident of the affected borough.The mayor's waiting game did notgo unnoticed. "1 thought lie waslate and cautious in how he threwhis weight in on the issue," said

Borough PresidentMessi nger.

"That's whatmakes it so per-fect," said one po-litical insider. "Inthe end the mayordidn't have to votewith Kalikow."(Kalikow, by thcway, commentinzthrough a spokes-man, said lie

hadn't "partici-Prier. i%,,/;. IT),zid pated in the cdi-

_________ - tonal process."Ickes said he'dnever heard ofthe letters. Dick-er said hewouldn't corn-ment. Dinkinsdid not respond

to a request for an interview.Cuomo and Lynch did not returncalls.) In the end, both Dinkins andKalikow got what they wanted.However, with the city in crisis andwith Kalikow facing bankruptcy,neither l'rize is worth what it ap-peared to be in the final days of thei 980s. Gut Hamilton

SEPTEMBER 1991 SPY 27

A nasty scandal involving

alleged marital infidelities

might have cost

Dinkins the election

i\ i/ kE? o' !

How does socialite-novelistNorman Mailer keep his prose SO

fresh, tart and provocative?Why, by being fresh, tart anprovocative himself! Not long aat a swank Manhattan literaryu,asfl't presided over by socialitereal estatebroker Alice Mason, a tall, blond, jewelry-drip-ping Texas-oilwife type held Mailers attentionthe entire evening. As the cocktails and canapésaccu ni ii I ated i n the niai Ibox-shaped author'sgut, his wit grew ever more rapier-sharp.You are .c0000 funiy, the woman repeatedlyresponded to his bons mots. Yoll are

s0000Jll,my. To which Mailer cleverlyreplied, in a similarly mantralike re-frai n , You are a staifucke: i 'ni the star.3.0/1 're the fuckeE i ,?1 the sta,: yu 're thef,cker. ...

Th Usii Suspects

Shortly before her guerrilla invasion of theWarner Bros. lot, where she tried to terrorizedirector Tim Burton into casting her in the se-quel to Batman, jittery madwoman-actress SeanYoung attended a videocassette-distri butors'convention for the purpose o' publicizing thevideo release of her recent flop A Kiss BeforeDying. Spotting a poster for another springtimeclunker already out on videoThe liard Way,starring lier psychological-torture victim and ex-lover James WoodsYoung bounded up tothe poster, defaced Woods's likeness witha Hitler mustache and other unflatteringscrawls and then skulked away, gigglinglike an inpatient.

3Every morning, early risers at RiverHouse, which is among New York's ul-trafashionable apartment buildings, are

Seaz

!8SPYSEPTEMBER 1991

Norman

treated to one of the most entertaining spec-tacles anywherethe sight of former Rocke-feller house slave Henry Kissinger taking hislack Lab out for a morning defecation. Sincew York law requires that dog feces be cleaned

up immediately, many overmoneyed Manhat-- tanites actually pay someone else to walk thedog. But Kissinger has found a way to have his

cake and eat it too: he holds the dog's leash.a 40-ish manservant follows him,

Baggie in hand, ready to fetch the

dung.

4It was a cool night at a fair in

. the New York suburbs,and Bobby Kennedy Jr. was

paternally shepherd i ng a, group of boys from ride toJ ride. Waiting in line for a

on the giant slide atop anarrow open-air staircase several

stories high, Kennedy, kids iiitow, shouted to a child severalplaces behind him, "Just shovepast! Just shoze past!" One manin line, who was not identifi-

Henr,vably a member of any political

dynasty and was holding a small childin his arms, took exception to all the pushing onsuch a 1)recarious perch. He and Kennedy argued

)ment, and then the kid squirtedthe man's legs and joined Kennedy."There," Kennedy said snidely, "thatwasn't so liard, was it?" "Well, it's a

good lesson hr a Kennedy," the mandiot back. "Whenever you want some-g, just push everybody else out of the

p.,. Kennedy, speaking of' the child:1 obliged his shoving orders, stam-"[ley, he'she's zot eve,, a Keimedy."

II te rresideot's OIaDs

Veteran observers o the presidcncy could not help butwonder whether George Bushs hyperactive thyroid might

have contributed to his aggressive leadership during the Gulf War. We,meanwhile, couldn't help but wonder what would happen if any of the presi-dent's other glands started to act up. Here are our findings.

Gland: PiiuitaryDisorder: MicroprolactinomasSymptoms: Discharge of milk frombreasts (both sexes)Possible consequence: Flesh-pressingappearances during I 992 campaign arecanceled when jresident escalates fromkissing babies to nursing them

Gland: PituitaryDisorder: C onadotropin deficiencySymptoms: Testosterone productionceases, causing loss of secondary sexcharacteristicsPossible consequences: Newsmagazinesbeg i n analyzi ng pres iden t's reelectionpossibilities in terms of 'The Eunuch

I

Factor"; president: journeys to Norfolk

to get big SADDAM

BUSTER tattoo onupper arm

Gland: AdrenalDisorder: ( :tislìiiìg'sdisease

Symptoms:

I rofou i1

emotional chan:.Possible

consequence:

When reportersask presi(lentabout RichardGephard t 'sobservation thatBushs capital-gaiiis proposal was"unclear," Bushweeps, says, "l)i k,Dick, where did

we go wrong?,"then barks at his

press secretary,"Send him an

eyebrow pencil,

l'farlin. and tell him where to shove it"

Gland: PituitaryDisorder: AcromegalySymptoms: Coarsening overgrowth offacial featuresPossible consequence: President pedrmsuncannyjoc Cocker impersonation atthe annual Gridiron Dinner

Gland: AdrenalDisorder: Addison's diseaseSymptoms: Increased skin and nippleptgnie1i t1t ionPossible consequence: President'sgrandchildren begin referring to himas "the big brown one" Josh Giilee

The F'Ìllf Pi'iiit

:Can't Buy MeLove

Music-industry expert Jef-(rey Ressner has sent alongan intriguing Paul McCart-

ney bootleg recording.The35-minute tape is from ai 987 meeting Paul andLinda McCartney hod withtheir attorneys, who happento be her brother, JohnEastman, and her father,Lee Eastman. The discus-sion begins with some talkabout investment bankers("I like the sound of Mor-gan Grenfell," says the for-mer Beatle. "lt seems like a

good power base") butquickly turns to the long-standing legal battle thatwas being waged by AppleCorps Ltd., owned by the

surviving Bea-ties and Yoko

Ono, against itsdistributor,Capitol-EMIRecords. Thesuit, which had

begun in 1979,concerned sev-

eral issues,

among themroyalty pay-ments. Much of

the followingdiscussion con-cerns ill feelings

generated byCapitol's fa-vored treatmentof McCartney. ltseems that ¡nthe mid- i 980s,McCartney hadsigned as a soloartist with Capi-toi; as port ofthe deal, Capi-toI had agreedto pay him o

higher royalty

SEPTEMBER 1991 SPY .')

THE EINE PRINT CONTINUED

from the old Beatles albumsthan George, Ringo or Yokoreceived. That had prompt-ed these three to demandthat they be reimbursedor"equalized"by Capitol, tobe on por with Paul. Butlet's listen in and let the

McCortney side explain.

Lee: Let's talk about Capi-toI. . . What are we claim-

ing? What ore they offering(to settle]?John: Seven or 8 millionpounds. . .and o [royalty]uplift. . from 80 cents arecord to $1.20.Lee: Now, that would beenough in the United Statesto cover the other Beatles.Paul: This is what you dis-

cussed with [George, Ringoand Yoko]. What did theysoy to that?John: Their response was ifPaul was not going to equal-

ize, [they weren't] going todiscuss settlement. I said,"One has nothing to dowith the other. Whydon't you find out what'sin the pot before you de-cide how you want to di-vide it up?". . . A year

ago we sat down in Lon-

don, and I said, "Herewe are, directors of

[Apple], going forwardwith a case that costs usas much in Ilegal] fees ayear as that income is."Lee: Yeah, what is it

costing you a year?John: It was runningsomewhere between

60,000 and 75,000[dollarsj a month.Paul: But basically youtell them the earningsequal the [expensel. ...John: (But] they havethis idea. . that you weredesperate to settle it forome nefarious reason....o I said, "This is not

(I SPY SPiïMBER 991

Seteber Oateook

i The NFLs regil-lar season begins.home viewerscommence theautumnal pro-cess by which - -they become in-timately farnil-iarwith the ad-vertising cam-paigns ol Prestone, ACDelco, GM(; Trucks andBlack & Decker.2 Wigstock, tue trans-vestite pageant that hastraditionally taken placeifl the now-closed-for-re-habilitation TompkinsSq uare Park, relocates toUnion &4uare Park, moreoften the site ola Iarmersmarket. Participants makeintriguing use of unsoldbutternut squashes.4 First day of the Nation-al Microbrewers Confer-

f\/) C'flEnchanting and

Alarrning Events UpcomingI and

'Frade

rk.Corn-

: -_- minglewith amiable, bearishmen in Pendleton shirtswho, upen sampling a re-gional pilsner, say, Bet-ter 'n sex, aint it?"8 'l'wenty-fifth anniver-san' ofSta'r 'fteA's pre-miere, and the first nightof Rosh Hashanah. Doti-bic holiday for Brandeis

computer-science majors.12 The Feast ofSan Gen-naro begins; Little Italy.iburists eagerly await agangland massacre God-j.4'ther 111-style but aretreated only to the sight

r

8urhM0t CapsuleReviews by Wafter

Monheit'TM, the MovieL Publicist's FriendSTEPKIOs, starring Griffin l)unne, Margaret Whitton(New Line)%11a/kr i%lonhe,t "May divorce be with you! Here's anuclear-family meltdown that'Il leave you glowing! Thecustody battle for Oscar is a Dunne deal!"

DOGFIGHT, starring River Phociìix, Lili ... aylor (WarnerBros.) PPWa/icr iilonheit ia "I'd sit up and beg to learn some newtricks from the Taylorthat wags this Dog! W000f, w000f!

Whoa, Oscarheel, boy, heel!"

THE PRINCE OF TIDES, starrint \ 1< \Itv(Lolumbia)%';uIu, 1foizheit %a).. "Surf's up, friends! But better hurry,

for time and Tides wait for no manexcept a little gold-plated feller named Oscar!"

u, ¿h1 ?101ule. "ir,m;

t: p _¿PIt/i/NtlIy 1 Ias'lC

o! a local restaurateurperforming the 1-Icimlichmaneuver on Ed Koch.15 Norm (;rosb)'turns 64.17 Campaign '92 UpdateThe Race 1ntensijes:

Stumping ¡n the South,Arkansas governor BillClinton assails Paul Tson-

gas's five-point Black-footed Ferret ProtectionProgram as 'rhe warpedenviro-nonsense of aconfirmed Udaliocrat."22 Hobbit Day, per theAmerican 'Iblkien Soci-cry. Also, the first nightofSukkoth, the Jewishharvest festival. Seconddouble holiday of themonth for Brandeis corn-puter-sci-

4$r

03r5cin

SabioConven-

L

Center is the site o! theFinishing '91 (;oiference.irid Exposition. "Rapidlychanging technology inindustrial coatings isposing both opportuni-ties and challenges for

the finishing industry,"says the press release.We challenge the finish-ing industry ro developa leather-waterproofingfixative that doestitmake dogs want to eatour shoes.29 Last day offiscal 91.Alas, at press time, theGuy Lombardo orchestrahad ?loI been booked toplay The Walciorl-Asro-ria this evening.)

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the case. What we're talkingabout is common sense ......Lee: You mean Ithey think]Paul is doing this for hisown selfish reasons?Paul: There's never been

any doubt [they thought]that. l've been living withthat. lt's all just me. . . .Theyfeel that I'm so desperateto settle the Apple thingthat I will go along with allof this other stuff.Linda: Paul is desperatelike a hole in the heod.John: Yoko is the general;she's always looking underthe bed. But Harrison hasthis idea that there's some-thing lurking in there thatrequires Paul to settle the

Capitol-Apple case.Linda: [But] Paul is willingto blow up Apple.John: And Paul, I'm sure,said that to him. But. . .theydon't believe it....Paul: This is traditional....When you play Monopoly orchess or whatever, you haveto assume that your quote-

unquote enemy might havesomething up his sleeve.Linda: Well, you know...Yoko has so much up hersleeve, she's bulging.Paul: After that meeting onDecember 1 . . .1 came into

this meeting . . . ready to blow

up Apple. Finger on theplunger. I said, "I'm so fedup with this companyif itall has to go to Maggie andthe taxmon, fine." Ringosaid, "Now, come on, don'tbe silly. " George said, "Ican't understand why lyou'd]want to do that. You knowit'd all go to the taxman."Linda loping George's Liv-erptidlkir; (i( (ert1: Ayedooril 000nr,taFind. . .

Paul: said, "You don'tthink I want to send it to thetaxman, but I don't needthis grief. I'm getting on

2 SPY SF.VtiM*ER 1991

Ji

) 'TIiots Dehio AD the Dive Chis

LA Special SPV Consumer Product Investigation

"Blue is Uu)st suitable as the color of interior liI. Wlw lier slick light sharp highbright thin quick sour new and cool or low deep sweet thick dark soft slow

Ismooth heavy old and warm: blue moves easily among them ail, and all profound-ly qualify our states ofkeling." William Gass, On Being Blue

IDouble Fresh cat litter ,4lark Leui gen-

I

eral unanager Absorbent Products Group.AÍMCOF?: "We developed a two-partsystem: the blue specks were developedto control liquid odor. and the green

I specks were developed to control solidI odor. They visually reinforceyou

know, the sky and the green grass andthe green trees: they rend to be fresh,clean. Probably lithe whole thing werebILle or treen, people niight think it'soverk i I I . react negatively.

Kleen Kitty cat litter Peler Boue;: market-

ing manager. Superimr B rands: "The b! LIC

SPecks are clay painted with a nontoxicvegetable-based dye which connote andcarry out 'time-release air fresheners.They convey it by sight. The concept isthere. All we're trying to do is use thispainted clay to express this to the coli-sumer. They expect something to bethere, and so we give it to them."

C erts Torn Furlong. spokesperson . Warner-Lanibert: "They're flavorbeads ....... hey dissolve at a slower rareliiii the rest ofthe mint

Crystal Vanish toilet-bowl cleaner ScottWeis.í. director of mnarkeung Jin bou '/-cai'e

OUTtRCu TENJES5

/mroa'uicts, The Dracke# Co. : 'They're dyedsalt crystals that help enhance the reac-tion of the product's mai11 ingredient,sodium acid sulfate, to forni sulfuricacid. . . .You couldn't possibly make anefFective crystal toilet-bowl cleanerwithout little blue specks. The buiespecks are part of the science and tliaesthetics that make it click."

4

Cheer ilarie Salz'ae/o. 3pokespe?o?/. /f) /eV& Gamble Soap Sector: "The specks reallydo not serve a washing purpose. but anaesrlictii ÇflflJ)Ø5(

"

I

Clorox 2 powdered bleach aui/ì Sum//ivan.

ipoke.penon. 'Ihe Co. : "In thisc?untry we prefer whites that are a littleto the blue side; the blue makes us per-ceive it as white-white. You want just atiny bit in there. lt's there for a specificpurpose; it's not just there becausesomebody liked blue speckles.'

All and Surf detergents Sheyl S,nith. PRtoordumialor anl ipokeperioi, Lever Bro5. : "1

haven't a clue what they're madeai . . .lt's part of the formulation, andits considered proprietary, and we can'trelease that information."

--EI/en Ro5euuihal

INNERCUTENES5

mkecL?P1c:fce...

':

IheHollefíiìodnersbc. Kramden and Norton

Goofy Losers or Unlucky Visionaries?Born too SOOfl, Ralph Kramdeti aud Ed Norton would have thrived in this era ofpersonal-power gurus, cash-flow systems, franchising seminars and 900 numbers.Decades ahead of their rime, their harebrained schefiles would make them en-t repreneurial dem lu rges today. - %Villia,ìz

Sheftki

i\f)-Wl/)/l Nutri/System Thick Crust Pizza. Weight

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KramNors I1)'Stt1)' De/iciwi Appetizer Pâté, turkey franks, gourmet dog food(t/ugfoo/)

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Kra,ìi/ens b,ej ha,zdynan s special.L__ rent to Notions

LR'Ph manages glass-jauwd boxer

Ralph and Edbiiy TV.

co,,,mercial time to peddle

Handy Houseu'ife Helpea kitchen tool withattac/)11e?1t5

Ra/pb sells story (j/)isbizarre illness to magazine

Ralph and Ed acquire(IOO?Iled ,\TezJersey hotel

-Minoxidil- Recycling for profitDiI)i Seven, Citrus Miracle,

l)azzle

Preservation, do- i t-yourself andp

-,

"'i:;;- i-.nfomerc jais for products such

as Supersnacker and The

Daily(rnixer),

Lyle Alzado in Sportsillustrated, Joseph Hei [ers

No Laughing Matter

(ITrump Taj Mahai)

I

_-LgrongnOurTe

"It's beautifully written, witty, riveting, and the best book about achieving your goalssince Dale Carnegie wrote his masterpiece."

-Warren Bennis on Flarvey A\ÍacKay's Swim 'X"ith the Sharks

"Totally intriguing, thought-stretching insights into the ciockworks of leaders."MacKay on Bennis's On Becoming a Leader

'Without question, the niost-needed hook of the 90's. . .. Offers executives aridmanagers real lifelines to success."

\Varreri Bennis on Rosabeth \Ioss Kantcrs Vhen Giants Learn to Dance

'Only Warren Bennis could write a book on leadership that is so inspiring and

insightful, captivating and wise, eloquent and revealing."Kanter oh Beruiiiss Ou l3LYJmi?iç a Leat/tr

"The most important management thinker of our time." :-Warren Bcnnis on Peter Drirker's The Practice ofManagement

"This is Warren Bennis's most important book."-1)ruckLr on Bennis s On Becoming a Lea er

- -

HawardKaplan

THE FINC PRINT CONTINUED

quite nicely in my own of-fairs, I wont a bit of qualityof life. I'm ready to blow ¡tup, and to do that, I willwithhold promotion fees. ltwill then be seen as a non-

trading company. The goy-ernment will then [whistles],and that's itgone. lt wouldbe a great pity, but I'm pre-pared to do that." Beforethe December 1 meeting, Isaid to Ringo, "No to pro-motion fees." He said..."I'm asking for one set ofpocket money. I need it. I'myour buddy." He and hiswife pleaded personally withme. I said, "Okay, look,[just] one more set of pro-motion fees." . . . So he said,

"lt's a deal. If anyone asksyou for more promotion feesafter this, I'll be on your sidewith the plunger. We'll both

push it together." I said,"Okay, you've got it. Youare my friend. I hate to seeyou sort of begging me andstuff. So let's just do it."And of course I don't want

this adversarial position any-way.. . .1 had come to that

meeting wanting onethingI wanted Apple to beclosed down that day. And I

capitulated and said, "Well,all right then, look, I'll doyou a deal, seeing as youare all my friends. Let's all

go to Capitol and try to getyou equalized [as part of asettlement]."Lee: If I were the lawyer tothem, I would be glad tosettle.

Paul [seething]: They're or-rogant! They have bigheads! And they're dumb!Lee: lt's such a goodsettlement for them.Paul: They are dumb. They

really are arrogant. Theyreally think thatsomeonelike RingoLinda: Got that on tape,

sEVFEMßER ¡991 SPY i

THE FINE PRINT CONTINUED

honey. ...Paul: I don't care.Lee: Get thistheyeach pick up the sameas Paul in the U.S.That's 600,000 a

year. I ney must e -insane.

Paul: They'drather spend that on alawsuit to getnothing. As John

[Eastman]said,they'd :rather spenddouble that to achieveless. . . .Good thinking, boys.Lee: Such madness, Linda.Linda: Dad, I don't talkanymore, it's such madness.Paul: This is very similar to

the preemption thing [a ref-erence to buyouts of

AppleRingo was appor-ently considering selling hisshare of the company to onArab emir]. Ringo, who washolding us all up on thepreemption thing, did notunderstand it. He said,"You don't want me to sellthis thing, do you?" I said,"No, no, no, if you sell it,you must offer it to Georgeand I." He said, "Well, youknow I'd do that." I said,"Could you say that into

this tape?" And Ringo said,"Yeah, but that's not what

you're after, you just don'twant me to sell, do you?" Isaid, "You can sell to anybloody Arab on earth, butbefore you do, allowGeorge and I to match his

offer." He said, "Well, youknow I'd do that!" He wasdrunk by this time. . . .The

point I'm making is, Ringodid not have. . half o fingeron grasping that issue....Lee: If they win [legally],

they lose [financially].Paul: But Lee, you're talkingto a woman [Yoko] whothinks she can get [Len-

31 SPYSEPTEMF3FR 1991

C

\Í.Gi Cty

Monday1the Gorilla look Steroids Tracking the Longest

Peacetime Metaphor Expansion in Modern History

Back in the 1980s, bigger was better and more was more. If you owned ahome, it skyrocketed in value. ifyou watched TV, you traded in your 12-

inch for a 27-inch and added a few hundred cable channels. If as ahobby you collected garish yachts and brazen hussies, you collected

the most garish and brazen ones around.So why should it have been any different with our meta-

phors? As the I)ow surged past 2,500, and Mike Milkenssalary went from seven figures to the mid-nines, the rest ofus got swept Ill) ifl expanséchic as well. David Shnk

I: THE REAGAN YEARS

THE SKY'S THE LiiriSeptember 1982: "Much in the man-ncr of 300-pound gorillas, exsecre-taries of state can do about anythingthey choose, of course.'

The Wa5hiflgtoPz Post

December '83: " 'The GOP) is like theproverbial story about the 400-poundgorilla,' [irotcster Roger Kallenherglsaid. 'It sleeps where it wants.' "UP!

J uly '84: "Sometimes trouble leaps upin your face like a gorilla."

National Iau'Jo,twa/

February '85: "At the same time,American Airlines, the nimble 750-pound gorilla (to United's 900-poundversion), kicked off the new year withits 'Ultimate Super Saver [cam-paign).'

' The Washington Post

April '85: "There is a 1,000-pound go-tilla at the end of the road who saysheil put a v-e-t-o on anything thatcomes [along)."

Rep. Thomas A. Daschle (D-S.D.)

J une '85: "Now, with the purchase ofPan Am's Pacific routes and Hertz,[United is) a 1,500-pound gorilla."

Dan iel Bolian , manager of OmegaTravel (i n Trave/ Weekly)

April 86: "Like the pro'erbial 2,000-pound gorilla, IBM can sit anywhere itwants to in the computer industry."

Modern Office Technology

December '87: 'One reluctant program

L- _ _ _

director, Malcolm Wall of stationKETA in Oklahoma City, called [TheMacNeilILc'hrer NewsHollr] 'a 3,000-pound gorilla.' " The New York rinies

July '88: "[The gender gal)) is the two-ton [4,000-pound) gorilla of GeorgeBush's campaign."

Rep. Patricia Schroeder (D-Colo.)

August '88: "We are not a 300-ton[600,000-poundl gorilla looking for aseat in the middle of [the cable-TV]industry." H. Laird Walker,

spokesperson, U.S. West Co.

September '88: "The toxic threat islike a 1 2,000-ton [24-million-pound)gorilla. You just can't afford to ignoreit very long." Mark Henry, city

commissioner, Dayton, Ohio

II. A KINnEl, GENTLER NArIoNAND A P1EcIPITous S1-IRINKA;E

August '90: "At the moment, [LarryHagmani was the 50-ton [100,000-pound) gorilla. . . the hottest actor onTV." Los Angeles Times

September P90: "Bobby Bullpen, whereare you A i O-ton [20,000-pound) goril-la on the mound . . . "The Sporting News

March '9 1 : "[The UNLV basketballteam) is a two-ton [4,000-pound) go-rilla. " Rick Majerus, University

ofUtah coach

April 91 : " 'I'm the 400-pound goriIlaon defense policy, said [House ArmedServices Committee chair Les) Aspin."

J_j)s A ngeles Times )

I

Forget OOFID: iII ItIay ¡o

Every annoying movie-lover youknow takes pains to betray an easyfamiliarity with the writings ofRafferty, Sarris, Canby and Mon-heit. But the true cineast knowsthere is a stronger, more distinctivevoice at work in the trenches offilm criticism, and it belongs coKim Jong Ilor, as he is moreaffectionately known, Dear Corn-rade Kim Jong Il, Secretary of theKorean Workers' Party and Lode-star of the Nation. Film enthusiastsfrom Bleecker Street to Berkeleycherish the son of North Koreanpresident Kirn Il Sung (and a manwhose very name means "OneRight Way Kim") as the boldestcritical maverick since James Ageeand Manny Farber. "Each scene,"he once wrote, "must be dramatic."

In his recently translated work,the ground-breaking On the Art ofthe Cinema, the future president ofthe Socialist Paradise frankly assess-es Five Gaerrilla Brothers ("A mas-terpiece [that] could never havebeen d iscovered without studyi ng

KIM'S " Guard against-

TENETS coarseness and cru-. N dity in facial make-

.

up, as well as exces-

FILM sive exaggeration"

Teenage Mutant Here, alas, theNinja Turtles li: eponymous Tur-The Secret oJ the ties are notoriousOoze offenders.

4othing seemsexcessive in thisexquisitely con-.--- tro!!ed master-

NewJack Cit Word! These guysdress down in-stead of up.

r,ahorLe hough sif-ter scene involvesmakeup, the Ma-terial Girl guardsherself heroicallyagainst the coarseand crude.

the life of theOs, includingO Jung Hwaand O JungHup") and The Flower Girl ("Thelife-story of the warm-hearted hero-inc Ggot Bun. . . .A masterpiece").One doesn't have co look any far-ther than the chapter headings toget a sense of this critic's extraordi-nary range: "Makeup ¡s a nobleart"; "Speed campaign is funda-mental to the creation of revolu-tionary art and literature"; "Thebest words are full of meaning andeasy to understand." And at onepoint Kim notes, as none has be-fore, "A person with a low level oftechnical skill cannot make an ex-cellent technician."

His blunt outspokenness"Thebest possible usc should be made ofmusic and sound"; "A screen por-trayal demands first-class filmingtechniques"won't please thosewho prefer co make the worst possi-ble use of music and sound and relyon third-class filming techniques.

But Kim is aman unafraid ofcharting hisown course. Oc-

casionally he defers to that othergreat auteurist, his father (who oncesuggested, "Scriptwriters should beefficient in their treatment ofevents, instead of just jumblingthem together"), but at heart hisaim is to make us see the cinemaindeed, the worldwith new eyes:"When he views the dam of a hy-dreelectric power station, the cam-erarnan should not concentrate ini-tially on its magnificence."

Close readers of his work areaware of the Secretary's admirationfor masterworks of the North Ko-rean cinema like When We Pick Ap-

pies, We Are the Happiest and The

Fate of a Self-defence Corps Man ("Afilm of great significance"). Butwhat would the Dear Comrademake of the latest cinematic offer-ings in the West? Herewith, aKim-o-Meter appraisal of some re-cent American hits. Pico lyer

"If an actor can "Conflicts should "The characteristi- -

smile or cry on re- be settled in accor- cally photogenicquest he is merely dance with the law face is a typicalcapricious" of class struggle" Korean face" KIM. _ _. -- - OMETER

Bitchin', dude! Totally rad! The No problem! Comrade OscarNot a caprice in mutants are noth- Where do you should have hissight. ing if not revolu- think finjas come hands full with

tionary. _J troflì? these guys!

Disgustingly, Every struggle Sadly, and mex- No way, JoséCulkin seems to classy here! A plicably, Culkin though the direc-cry and smile on : metahor for how has nothing Kore- tor could yet proverequest. one country can an about him. j himself to be Ko--- . .-'- defeattheworld. jrean.Def The so-called Fresh! The statusMethod is sheer quo gets its assmadness. kicked.

Video venté all The first law ofthe way: Madon- class struggle:na (almost) never Madonna alwayscries, and certain- wins. The Boyly not on request. Toy is the perpet-

uai revolution ontwo legs!

Sure thing! This Fair enough, butis what they mean The Fate ofa Self-by Seoul Man. defence Corps Man

it isn't.

Pfb:ly th .. ¿or thumbs up!film's only weak- But Madonna?nessthough She's no Ggotnothing a little Bun.plastic surgeryCOU1(lIlt help.

SEPTEMBER 1991 SPY 35

THE FINE PRINT CONTINUED

non-McCartney's publishingcompany] Northern Songsfor 5 million. . who saidATV [Northern's owner]stunk, and now agrees, £4million laterby the way,that's £4 million each we'velost on that"you wereright." This is the arroganceof the whole thing.Lee: lt is very simple1write a song with you[meaning Linda], and youare my partner....Linda: I understand so well,Dad....Lee: I don't want an Arabas my partner if I can helpit. That's all. So I say,"Linda, if you ever sell"Linda: "offer it to me forthe same amount." I under-stand it oil.Lee: "give me a chanceto have it; I don't want tohave an Arab for a partner."Linda: I don't understandwhy they didn't take whatCapitol offered them.Paul: Let me tell you why. Iam one of them....Whenwe were in the Beatles, ifsomeone said, "Your voiceis worth £5, " and someonecame up and said, "I'll giveyou £4.50 for it," you'd say,"No, my voice is worthmore. " Now, when you arein the Beatles, that's fine,because you've got all thepower like the Jacksonshove got now. lt's no longerlike that, and they don'tknow that. They will notadmit that they now mightjust collect and run. Theyare going to fight....

The action by Apple againstCapitol-EMI was settled outof court last year. lt hasbeen reported that George,Ringo, Yoko and AppleCorps (in which Paul has afinancial interest) sharedmore than $80 million. )

() SPY SEPTEMBER 1991

¡'./

llave You Ever DeeD to ßa-llUM1'?

We don't pretend to understand how geographuic locations cttheir names, but we've noticed that a remarkabk number of them sound likedrum rufs one can play on a trap set. Here are just a few examples.

Acajurla, EI SalvadorAmchitka, AlaskaBaba Hatim, China

Baden-Baden, GermanyBa-don, VietnamBarn, IranBamba, MaliBan Bungxai, Laos

Bangkok, ThailandBatrambang, CambodiaBaubau, IndonesiaBombala, AustraliaBondoukou, Ivory CoastBucaramanga, ColombiaBudop, VietnamRumba, Zaire

Calapan, PhilippinesCaracajou, AlbertaCaratinga, BrazilChacabuco, ArgentinaChichigalpa, NicaraguaChidambararn, India

Chiitagong, BangladeshCopacabana (beach), BrazilCo1uimbo, ChileCorurnbá, BrazilCubolco, Guatemala

What's iiì a Niie?

Our PeriodicAnagram

AnalysisWARREN BEATTY

TART-BAR VJEENY

CLARENCE THOMASTOIERANCE CHASM

ROBERT M. GATESGREAT MOBSTER

THE REPUBLICANSHAS-BEEN CULTR.I.P.

NIA PEEPLES'S PARTY

MACHINEA MANIC THERAPY: SEE NIPPLES

Dakovica, Yugoslavial)jambala, CongoDjornbang, IndonesiaDudinka, USSR

[)uong Dong, VienamGalápagos IslandsGuanahacoa, CubaHuatabampo, MexicoKalampáka, GreeceKampala, UgandaKapingamarangi (atoll),

Pacific IslandsKara Kum, ChinaKaronga, MalawiKeokuk, IowaKetapang, IndonesiaKhatanga, USSRKogaluk (river),

Newfound landKokomo, IndianaKompong Thom, Cambodia

Kota Tinggi, MalaysiaKoyukuk (river), AlaskaKyaukpadaurig, BurmaLackawanna, New York

Machanga, MozambiqueMachu Picchu, Peru

Macumba (river), AustraliaMakokou, Gabon

Malacca, MalaysiaMandinga, PanamaMaramba, 7.ambiaOtumba, MexicoPaducah, KentuckyPukapuka (atol!), French

PolynesiaRakahanga (atoll),

Northern Cook IslandsR iobamba, EcuadorRio Chico, Venezuela

Takasaki, Japanraraj)a&. ColombiaTarapoto, PeruTehachapi, California

Tipitapa, NicaraguaTiticaca (lake), PeruTombouctou, Ma!iTopo!obampo, MexicoUbangi (river), AfricaUrubamba (river), PeruWaccasassa (bay), FloridaWetumka, OklahomaZumpango, Mexico

Philip]. Frankenfeld

Fias Gu Naed ColoQef usfard Ever ReaII

Oeeo ií a Cooservater IÍh a [ead ?ie?

The other nihr on Ali!WiIIan a,i/ 7// (weve gut it on rape),the villain picked up brass fireplace poker and bludgeoned aguest star to death. John Adams, charrnan ot dic eponymousDubuque manulaeturcrs of thu poker. is LccuSrornc(! ro suchoutrages. On TV, pokcrs seldom rtarrargc smoIdcrin Io.4s:thcvrc more iike1 to be rearran,gir1z sonehodvs skull.

Grantcd, rlie're a lot nore plausb1c than ,gws that firewhen O1I play che l)iaflO.

stcel-hr ni mcd (lcrhies ail othermurder weapons in fiction. And there are (locumented cases of'assassination vtl a P1sone(l u mhrclla (il) 111(l murder-by-hovl i nu-bal I . But are pokers PP1I la r n drawi rig-room den-c-tive stories because of historical precedent, or because you canteiectivc1y kill someone virh a samovar or a potted hydrangea?

' \ \ Our search for au risver rook us first

\ \\\\ \\\ \ to th lurcau of j ustice Statistics, in

\\\\ \\:s\S\\\\\\

\X'asluiiron. Thu Lircaus statistics sug-'s4% \\ gest that mùSt TV writers have rather::- cL

more s.i'id Irilaginations than noSt. acrua)- ¿r murderers; of' the .2 1 ,50() lU)ffliÇideS in,' tut U.S. jut I 989. izoiw were reportedly

I \ committed using pokers.)

v_ But this hita contains a crucial f1a'. I f

I , ' a poker is swung I ike a bat. che ircati

;' -.. considers it a "blunt objccr" (along vith

)('

Jthe hammers, clubs, bricks anti î ire irons

i USC(l w crush I 280 skulls lasr year). And

_ if into an eye or an alxloicn, it;: rnitlit h( a "stabbing instlunc1ir. 'J'hus,

the dearth of poker-fatality statistics might he misleadiiig.\X'e turned next to SOflX experts Wit h firsrhaii poker-han-

dung experience. Ron Pulone owns Sunset Pireplact- Fixturesin City of Industry, Cal ifbrn ja. One of the worlds 1rcmkrpoker rnanuuiìctu rers. Sunset also 1)rilt1(ed a fi replace screenseen on Csby and some of the fireplace tOOlS used in tue ")YhiteHOUSe living room. "1 (:anr recall anyones gcnin ki!1d \virI)a poker iO L.A., said Pulonc. They just shoot them.'

J oho Adaris says tile ()fll j)()ker deaths he knows abouthave been on TV. Adams sees no reason ro restrict sales of evenhis heaviest pokers (neither iersoni1 identification nor "anafila'i t saving i r \vOflt be used in a murder" is requ i red). Be-sides, "the poker is a moie wicked-looking toOl , thuti thetongs woo Id ht- a more aguo i '. ! ng (. lit h."

J ad Potter, t'or 24 years a New York City l)ohice11L, haspersonally investigated hundreds of murders. No one has ap-Peared to be poker-related. '''oti struck out virh mc," Pottertold us. 'There's two other men bete. (_)nc guy has a vagturecollection of hearing about ont.' Potter also thinks he re-members a murder-by-icicle. ' Rut maybe t was one of thoseC(j/umbo jobs .

' G ,.t,t,' ¡?ti 't,.- f 1nl/n//ln ((11(1 J) rt'k /i.,,,,

SIPT1:MRFR I))i SPY

Almost ail 01 JOU bate DaviD Duke, Dut neatly

none of you know me baN Just examine

tills Dossier

3

f'

.1

Detailing Duke's

's

Iii

J

i ¡Ti

ululi

T HAS BEEN 16 YEARS SINCE DAvIc DUKE

tchicved national pruin irience through his leader-ship of the Ku Klux Klan and affiliatioiì with the

Anierican Nazi Party, and nothing about these pastaSsociationS has managed to slow his ascent. No doubt

sUEne of this is due to his success ¡n becoming the

thoroughl' zodern extremist. Charismatic, surgicallyhandsome, schooled in saying the unspeakable in cool1LIld even rones, shrevd enough to at once hobble andbenefit froin Clarence Thomas with an endorsement,he is tue Kiansman iii the sharp suit. the reasonableracist, the chaos lurking in the box that Bush andAvater opened Pandorically with \XIillie Horton in1988. Elected to the J.ouisiana State Legislature in19H9. he ran for the (Inited States Senate last yearand took 14 l)(tCCflt of the VOtC - a n ala roi i ng, efT1lt r-

rassing lIgure. Afi now he is running for governor ofLouisiana in next fl1()flthS election. And he niay win.

But while Davi.l Duke has managed to proht fromhis past as a liaremonger. there are other stories fromhis PSt that have received less attention: accounts of a

voracious sexual Lp)Ctite. of selling out his frieils for

IflOflCy, of greed, o f consorti ng '..vi th voii id-be d rug

dealers. Now, these acts may not matter 1110cl) tO thOse

who arc apl)alled by I)uke's racism. But fr those vho1)CliCVC that the nore exrrcm( a right-winger orneonéis. the fiore personally scrupulous he is as well, these

findings should mark the end of that myth.

HI, I'M DAVID DUKE. WOULD YOU LiKE TO MEET THE

LIJTLE DUKE?

When one thinks back to Robert Shelton, the onetimeImperial Wizard of the Klan whose creased face and

I n during the 1960s, one cannot im-narrow eyes we came to know

agine him saying, We are the

Klan with sex appeal' The statement, instead, is

David Duke's, uttered in 1976, when he was 26, andfrom him it's not a hit unimaginable. He is, after all, achild of his gencrationcool, swingy, a man whoblow-dries his hair and cares enough about his looks tohave had plastic surgery and who has written a smarmysex manual for women [see "Sex and the Single Bigot,

April). But mostly the phrase seems so believablebecause there are so many reports ofDavid Duke's pre-occupation with sex. In spite ofhis automatic endorse-ments of family values, in spite of the warm photo-graphs of him with his virginal teenage daughters, inspite ofhis claims to adhere to Christian values, sexualsatisfaction seems to be a compulsion for him.

Let's begin in the late 1970s. Nancy Manning, a 20-

year-old high school dropout from FLorida, was workingas a stripper in a suburb of Denver and augmentingher income by turning tricks. In the course of things,Manning developed a crush on Fred Wilkins, who wasactive in the Colorado chapter ofthe Klan. One weekDavid Duke, who had headed the RENDEZVOUS WITH

- . . 1' DESTINY: Below, KlanLouisiana Knights or che Ku Kluxgroupie Nancy

Klan since 1975, came west to help Manning at her.

I I i current place ofW1IKIOS recruit new memners, ann business in Arizona.Manning signed up. "I was never a Opposite: left, Duke

. .I the Klansman, 1978;nLCLSt, she explainea to sifl' earlier

right, Duke thethis year. "I just baci a crush on candidate, 1989

Fred"Whenthetecruiterasked her occupation,

Manning said stripper.Befbre long, Duke and

Wilkins visited Manning : .-

at lier place of busi-ness. As Manning recalls,

¿

"Around midnight, Fred .

' , '.

cameinwiththisguythat.

L..

I recognized from pictures. I knew that it was David Duke.I was up there buck naked, dancing. They were grinningat me and drinking, and I thought, This is hypocritical,because theyre supposed to be Christians. [After the show) Iwent and sat with them. David paid for all the drinks.

As the evening progressed' she continues, "it becameclear to me that Fred wanted me to go with David' Whenher shift ended, they headed for Fred's house. "David wasall over me in the backseat. Fred was looking at us in therearview mirror. I thought that was kind of creepy'

Once they arrived, Duke 'got undressed and lay downon the bed' says Manning in a chirpy voice. "He put hisarms above his head and said, Do what you will, i onlywant to please you. You know, like he was the submissive. Ithought, Oh, my God, one ofthose. He said, 'Pretend thatit's a vanilla-ice-cream cone, honey I couldn't resist say-¡ng, 'Not chocolate, right?' So then we screwed and wentto bed. It wasn't a real fun experience. He's built reallysmall, and he has a small penis:'

Manning claims she saw Duke once more, on a flight;he talked to her on the plane but ignored her theairport. He continues to send her Christmas cards en-graved with little poems ("Honor the man who is willingto sink/Half his repute for his freedom to think") andfundraising letters. It is less likely that she receives thesecommuniqués because he fondly remembers their trystthan because her name is on some mailing list.

After her evening with Duke, Manning continued tostay in contact with Fred Wilkins, but they are now es-tranged. Wilkins admitted to SPY that he knew Manningbut insists that their relationship was platonic, and thatManning is a nut. He wrote Manning a letter in January1991 that read, "David called me New Year's Day to wishme good luck. We had a nice long talk. We also talkedabout you. Nancy, you are a joke! Seek help and get youract together and grow up!" She now lives in Phoenix,where she works as a prostitute under the name Amber,advertising herself in The Bachelor's Beat, a sort of shop-per's circular for johns. After she spoke to spy, Manningsays, she called an attorney who represents right-wing ex-tremists and told him what she had told us. "We're notreal happy you did that' the lawyer reportedly told her.

So what?, you say. Sure, he was married, andsure, at 29, hewasn't exactly a kid, and sure, he pre. -

sentedhimselfas an exemplar ofchris-

1 A'

tian values, but this was 12 years ago, and boys, after all, willbe boys.

And compulsives, after all, will be compulsive. Accord-ing to Karl Hand, who was one ofDuke's chief lieutenantsin the Louisiana Klan, Duke was constantly on the prowl.From a pay phone at the Hunt Correctional Institute inLouisiana, where he is serving time for attempted mur-der, Hand described Duke's behavior. I know that it'spolitically advantageous for him to proclaim that he's adevout Christian' Hand told sp', "but he's far removedfrom that. He liad no qualms about putting the make onanyone's wife or girlfriend, and the flak always came backto me, because I was his national organizer. He was por.traying himself as a family man, with his wife and twokids, but at the same time, he was involved in these sex-ual escapades:' Hand's recollections echo sentiments ex-pressed in an article on Duke that appeared in Southernmagazine in 1987. " We had toget David out' one Klans-man said. "He was seducing all the wives."

"He's got a problem,' says Hand. "It's not just a sexualthing. He has to go ahead and prove himself and displaychis type of behavior openly to prove his masculinicy.Certainly this trait has impressed itselfupon several jour-nalists in recent years. Southerns Pat Jordan reportedDuke's remarking on a young woman's chest. "Doesn'tshe have great breasts?," Duke exclaimed. "They're notbig, but they're perfect. Perfect breasts, they always makeme horny." Ludan Truscott, who profiled Duke forEsquire in 1989, described Duke's "arm-punching machobullshit, always saying, Hey, get a loadofihosegreat legs!" Ajournalist for a Louisiana newspaper who has coveredDuke regularly but requested anonymity ("You know, Ihave to live down here") says such behavior is typical.

In our interview, Karl Hand was also able to confirmthe existence of Duke's pornography collection. "1 investigared that one personally and found pornography right

"011KO hUis on bolDO a lathes' aii,"

says a lorifier supooer,

'11111 I IblUk he iosi h1es woeo"

in his own nightstand, in thetop drawer" said Hand. "He had

- ìI_; '.' --

photos of black men with white women, all posi-tions actually. The one that I saw myselfhad OflC whitguy, one black guy and a white girl. She wasperforming various acts on both ofthem atthe same time. His wife, Chloe, tipped mcoffto this' The whole thing led Hand, inall seriousness, to judge Duke guilty of"conduct unbecoming a racist'

Or conduct unbecoming anybody. LindaMelton is a businesswoman from Monroe.Louisiana, who volunteered to work onDuke's U.S. Senate campaign in 1990 bsoon became appalled by his behavior aquit. Melton told SPY that Duke missed aimportant fundraising meeting because iended up out till three or four dclock in thmorning in a real sleazy, sleazy, I mean we'rtalking redneck sleazy, after-hours club iwest Monroe with some real trashy-lookirgirC During that campaign Duke was oftintroduced at rallies by a bosomy BourbStreet dancer named Chris Owens, whiadded to his reputation as a swinger. StLinda Melton has doubts about how mucha Lothario Duke really is. "David Duke putsbeing a ladies' man' she says, "but I thuthat's a big cover. I think he hates women'

DEAR H.&R. BLOCK: i WAS RECENIL Y OFFERE

OFSIL VER FOR VIOLA 1/NG A SECRECY OATH. IS inni uiyiu-

EREO EARNED INCOME?

Most ofthose who have written about Duke have treatedat face value his decision in 1980 to leave the Klan andform the National Association for the Advancement ofWhite People. Duke explains the move with one of hisswerves into yuppie savviness. 'I had joined the Klan be-cause of those robes:' he once said. "They made goodcopy, you know. Good pictures. But after a while, all thoseguys with the green teeth, they got to me.'

Kiansmen have their own version of events, which isthat they had grown disenchanted with their leader. AsKarl Hand says, "He became known for what he was,which is a very unscrupulous person' The last straw camein 1980, when, as James Ridgeway reports in his bookBloodin the Face, Duke violated the Klan secrecy oath byattempting to sell for personal profit the organization'smembership list to Bill Wilkinson, a dissident Klanleader who was forming his own group. Wilkinson hadapproached Duke about purchasing the Knights' con-fidential membership list and slyly videotaped Duke bar-gaining the price up to $35,000, money that Duke wouldhave pocketed. Wilkinson then threatened to play thevideo at a Klan meeting; shortly thereafter. Duke left theorganization. Later it came out that Wilkinson had beenan FBI informant since che mid-1970s, and his groupcrumbled; it is unclear whether he was acting at the FBI'sbehest when he stung Duke into selling out his cohorts.

Duke by then was already an old hand at quick-buckschemes. In 1973, under the name Mohammed X, Duke

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wrote and published African Atto, a 70--- page street-fighting manual for blacks.,

t An ad for the book that appearedin several black newspapers washeadlined WHEN WAS THE LASTTIME WHITEY

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claimed, "AFRICANATTO will turn yourBody into BLACK STEEL" with newfound"power that translates to sex appeal!"

d "will attract loving, beautiful women' Interest-; phrasing, given the man's taste in pornography.)uke has conjured up different explanationsAfrican Atto, varying with the image he was

projecting at the time. First he denied authorship. Thenhe claimed he had written it as part of a scheme to dis-cover the names of"the most radical blacks in the UnitedStates so that when the time comes, we will know wherethey are' During the 1980s, Duke reportedly pointed tothe manual as an example ofthe menace that black mili-tants posed. By the time he ran for senator, he was ad-mitting authorship again, defending the handbook as aspoofthat exposed "the latent racism ofblacks' as "satirein the best tradition ofJonathan Swift'

Duke apparently realized that publishing Swiftianblack-street-fighting handbooks was no way to make bigmoney and tried other schemes, among them sellingtapes by mail. Duke became a sort oIKKK-Tel, selling asrecently as 1989 - the year he became an elected official -cassettes ofsuch songs as "Nigger, Nigger' "Some NiggersNever Die" and "Nigger Hatin' Me:' which begins withthe lyrics "Now I like sugar and I like tea/But I don't likeniggers, no siree/There's two durn things that will makeme puke/That's a hog eatin' slop and a big black spook'But note: According to its catalog, his company did "notnecessarily endorse all the ideas contained in these tapes.We offer them in che spirit of honest historical inquiry'

Then again, perhaps nobody bought the tapes. In1990 the New Orleans Times-Picayune reported that Dukehad filed no state income-tax returns for the years 1984 to'87. Duke at first denied the charge, then claimed he wasexempt from the requirement because he had earned lessthan $12,000 a year. But the paper also quoted Duke'sstockbroker, Charles Safford, as saying that during this

SEPTEMBER 1991 SPY 41

period, Duke had invested heavily in the stock market.The paper also reported that Duke made regular trips toLas Vegas, where he was a more than casual bettor. Oneof Duke's ex.girlfriends, Gwen Udell, says that Dukeoften had thousands of dollars on the table at a time.Udell also recalls celebrating Hitlers birthday with 1)ukcand driving him to the office of Dr. Calvin Johnson, theplastic surgeon who helped Duke enhance his Aryanlooks with a nose job, a chin implant and chemical peels.

One wonders about where the money came from.Could it have come from all those Duke supporters whothink he is a good Christian? In 1987, Duke was arrestedin Forsyth County Georgia, where he was leading amarch, for parading without a permit. He set up a legal.defense fund and raised $20,000. His offense netted hima $55 fine; according to Lance Hill ofthe Louisiana Co-alition Against Racism and Nazism, the rest of themoney has not been accounted for. Former Duke cam-paigner Linda Melton describes the Duke Senate cam-paign's sloppy handling of campaign contributions. Shetold py about one fundraising event where the cam-paign collected vast amounts of cash. The money wasstuffed into black Hefty bags, which Duke carried up.stairs, where he was alone with them for a while. He thenbrought them down and threw them into the back of atruck. had never seen so much cash in my life' Meltonrecalls. "It was mind-boggling' Mekon says no recordswere kept about contributors or amounts. An official ofthe Federal Election Commission who examined the

Duke campaign's filings in the presence ofa SPY reporternoted that Duke had personally lent his campaign morethan $77,000 and said, i'd like to sec his tax returns.'

TIlE GAY NAZI DRUG-DEALERWANNABE FRIENDS OF

DAVID DUKE

It was one ofthose rcrnarkahle little stories that blip intoconsciousness and then disappear: On April 27, 1981,ten men, most of them with ties to the Klan or to neo-Nazi organizations, were arrested in Louisiana by fed-eral agents for plotting to overthrow the government ofthe Caribbean nation of Dominica. Among them wereMichael Perdue of Houston, a man with Nazi affilia-tions; Don Black of the Louisiana Klan; and WolfgangDroege of the Canadian Klan. In Perdue the group hadas its leader a man who made p for a lack of cunningwith sheer incompetence. "We somctines had troublesuppressing our laughter in meetings with Pcrdue a fed-eral officer told the Dallas Times Herald. One time, for ex-ample, Perdue arrived early for a meeting with policeoperatives and came upon them installing recordingequipncnt. He picked up a tapping device and examinedit without getting an inkling of what was happening."They were clowns' Lindsay Larson Ill, the prosecutor ofthe case, told spy. "Dangerous, but clowns'

The men planned to sail to Dominica, overthrow theexisting government and reinstate the vaguely socialistformer prime minister. Perdue intended then to set up acocaine laboratory, from which he hoped to earn millions

WilO, Mf?David Duke took the time to speak with s about our findings. Here are his comments.

ON HIS FAILURE TO FILE STATE INCOME-TIX RETURNS: "First off, I've always paid my taxes....What happened was that I didn'tfile my state income taxes for a couple of years, and that was because my threshold of income was lower than what wasrequired." (Duke, by the way, doesn't a/ways pay his taxes. Records show he failed to pay $1,263 worth ofproperty taxes in1990 and 1991.)

ON WHERE HE GOT $77,000 TO LEND HIS CAMPAIGN: "First, I borrowed $50,000 on my home....The records are clear....Iborrowed some money on my credit cards as well." (According to Duke expert Lance Hill, the records aren't at all clear. Theyshow that Duke took out a mortgage on his home in 1984, not 1990.)

ON THE DoMINIcA ADVENTURE: "First off, I wasn't involved in that Dominica thing at all. . . There is no evidence whatsoeverthat dope was in any way a major part of Lthel plan. . . .Very early this fellow by the name of Perdue talked to me....I said,'Well, I'm not interested in doing anything with it, but if you want to talk to some patriots or some anticommunists, I'll giveyou some names.'"

ON Ge/EN UDELL'S RECOLLECTIONS OF DUNE: "Gwen Udell is one of thosewas a former girlfriend, and former girlfriends andIformer boyfriends, you know, whose relationship ended unfortunately, it's hard to take everything that's said from a personwith complete assurance. But no, it's not really true [that I celebrated Hitler's birthdayl, and I certainly reject fascism,communism and Nazism."

ON KARL HAND'S ALLEGATIONS ABOUT A PORNOGRAPHY COLLECTION: "Well, Karl is in prison for attempted murder, and he's had alot of difficulty in his life ......m appalled that you'd even entertain such a question. That's just totally untrue."

ON NANCY MANNING'S ALLEGATIONS: "There's some nut named Nancy Manning running around.. . .IThe accusation that we had sexis] totally ridiculous..The woman isI don't want to be sued, but she's unstable. I mean, the woman is totally off her rocker."

ON LINDA MELT0N's ALLEGATIONS ABOUT HEFTY BAGS FULL OF CASH: "Linda Melton was a disgruntled Icampaign] worker who didnot get the position she wanted. But every penny was accounted for. In fact, I never touched the money."

ON HIS CONTINUED ASSOCIATION WITH DON BuicK: "He did some computer work for us in the statehouse campaign a long timeago, just like about $120 worth....He's married to my ex-wife, so he's around my children, so it's not like I'm not going toassociate with him....Anyway, that's kind of a silly thing to mention."

ON WHY PEOPLE KEEP BRINGING UP HIS PAST: "I'm talking about issues nobody else talks about politically, Isol I'm condemnedfor my past. But I won't live in the past....I think I live in the present and look forward to the future."

rI . ' 5 , , . , ', . . . . '- . . .' . .-- ' S '

4&f source Karl Hand. underqoinq arrest . 1

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of dollars. Prosecutors knewall this because Droege casu-ally brought it Lip in conversa-tion and they got it on tape;also. Perdue was heard brag-

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ging that he would leave the island in five years, $3 mil-lion to $5 million richer. He also testified under oaththat he was gay. Nine of the plotters were convicted ofviolating the Neutrality Act and sentenced to terms ofup to three years.

According to Larson, authorities at the time suspectedthat David Duke was involved in the plot; after all, 5ev-eral of the conspirators were Klansmen, including DonBlack, who had replaced Duke as head ofthe LouisianaKnights. But Larson says his office never developed anyevidence linking Duke to the plot, and when Duke wascalled before the grand jury, he refused to talk. He didtalk to Newsweek, saying, 'I don't think it was a Klan oper-ation, but ifsomebody wants to set up a mercenary force,they don't recruit from the Boy Scouts.'

Two years later, in the aftermath ofthe U.S. invasion ofGrenada, Duke became less self-effacing about his in.volvement. In an article that appeared in the Evening Postof Vicksburg, Mississippi, Duke acknowledged that hehad played a role in the aborted coup, which, he uncon-vincingly maintained, had been conceived as a prelude toa Klan operation to liberate Grenada from the Commu-fists, much the way the American invasion had. "The in-vasion ofGrenada by the U.S. government is really a vinOdication ofwhat (the mercenaries) were engaged in," hesaid. Dukerhen described his role in the Dominica oper-ation: "The main thing they wanted me for was to find menwho were willing to participate in such an anticommunistoperation. I contacted a few people who might be inter-ested." Duke said he met with several ofthe plotters in ahotel room in Metairie, where he lives. They apparentlydid not discuss the one important respect in which thesituation in Dominica differed from that in Grenadanamely, that Dominica's prime minister was pro-Americaand the man they would return to power was socialist.

Michael Perdue may not have been the first friend ofDavid Duke's who was a gay Nazi. In 1966, when Dukewas 16, his father, whom he idolized, volunteered to go toVietnam to work for the Agency for International Devel-opment, leaving David at home with an alcoholic mother.

'

;-):l,. ; In the absence of his father,: : a new paternal figure, Jamesi- '

I, Lindsay, a wealthy real estate de-

(: veloper from New Orleans. be-.

came Duke's mentor. Accordingto Esquire, Lindsay had at least two secret identities: toKiansmen and Nazis, he was known as Ed White; in theFrench Quarter, where he cruised gay bars, he was known

asJames Lawrence. (Lindsay's son,James II, disputes thischaracterization. "You have to be kidding;' he said to srn'."My father was one of the biggest cocksmen who everlived' He added that his father and Duke "found eachother very attraccive' and that his father treated Duke"almost as an alternate identity') One night in 1975,Lindsay was visited in his oflice by his estranged wife.They had sex, then he told her he wanted a divorce. Aftershe went co her car, she says, she heard someone demandmoney from her husband, then shots. She was indictedfor murder, but the charges were dropped. The crimehas never been solved.

While maintaining that Duke's Dominica scenariowas "100 percent wrong;' prosecutor Larson acknowl-edges chat Perdue had contacted Sir Eric Gairy, the de-posed head ofGrenada, about engineering a coup on hisbehalf but had been rebuffed. '[Gairy) wouldn't haveanything to do with him' Larson says. "So he figuredDominica looked good. They weren't out for God andcountry. They were out to make money:'

That Duke was involved is supported by Don Black'spresence on the invasion team. Black was generally re-garded as one ofDuke's best friends. After Duke was di-vorced from Chloe in 1983 (she said his "cause" was toodraining and that she couldn't live with all the media at-tention), she married Don Black. Duke served as Black'sbest man. The Blacks now live in Florida with David andChloe's teenage daughters, Erika and Kristen. They calltheir stepfather Mr. Don. When Duke ran for the state leg-islature in 1989, Mr. Don, a man who stands convicted ofplotting to overthrow a government with pals who wantedto get into cocaine-processing, worked on Duke's cam-paign. He even rode on Duke's float in the Easter parade.

Sexual compulsions. Hypocrisy. Sellouts. Financial ir-regularities. Greed. Imbecilic adventures. A taste for badcompanions. It's not a record you would think most poli-ticians could survive. But then, David Duke has alreadysurvived a record far uglier than this.)

Additional reporting for this article by Jeanne Weill in NewOrleans, Scott Yates in Denver and Guy Martin in New York

SEPTEMBER 1991 SPY 13

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In September 1971, Bobby Seale was negotiating with rioting inmates at Attica. America was turning on,

dropping out, digging LedZeppelin I/I. Tricia Nixon was just back from her honeymoon. And on the

nineteenth of that month, 58young people announced their weddings in the society pages of the Sunday

New York Times. In 1991 we pored over all those musty, yellowing wedding announcements and spent

months tracking down every one of couples. Here's what they told us.

*4, edding vows in church aren'tthat big a deal: only God is

paying attention. Wedding announcements in The New

York Times are quite different. lithe news of yourmarriage makes it into the Times, you know that thefirst lady, half of your college class, the parents of thatgirl who picked on you so much in high school and allthe people yOU still have crushes on will read aboutyou. They'll find out your middle name and whichreligious denomination you decided to slide yourselfinto. Marriage may be a sacrament, but a Timesmarriage is a double-dip sacrament with crushed Heathbars on toi). Presumably, this was just as true onSeptember 1 9, 1 97 1 , as it is now, which is why it wasso. . .generous of the couples whose weddings appeared inthe Times that day to air their marital laundry with us20 years later.

The Ti,nes's society editors must have had a trickierjob than usual in i 97 1 . There was so much they had toleave out. For every home chapel built by agrandmother who had spent her childhood in Rome, forevery tea-dance debut and every father on the board ofthis or that, some equally telling detail had to beorn itted . Beverly See's Swiss guipure-lace-and-organzagown must have been easy enough to describe, but whatabout Elizabeth CornwalPs Bedouin costume? AndThomas Miner's velvet bell-bottoms: should they get amention? No, the Times decided. The pheasant aux

chasseurs at the wedding reception ofJeffrey Rogers,the son of the secretary of State, definitely deservedinclusionafter all, it had been part ola "hunting lodgebuffet"but the Times would not allude to the fact thatRogers's bride, Kristine Olson, had lived in a communewith Henry Winkler. For these facts we must turn toour 1991 updates, which bear the same battle scars andlate-night soul-baring as class notes at a college reunion.

It was a class ofsorts, this bunch ofnewlyweds. I'mnot talking about dais fl the sociological sense, butabout the surprising number ofcommon experiences(besides LSD and voting for Nixon) that so many ofthese couples shared. Two of the brides were named Cici.One groom went to Deerfield; one couple's son went toDeerfield; and one of the brides divorced her husbandand married a Deerfield headmaster. Edward von Briesenis friends with Sondra Forbes Jaques; two couples todaylive a block apart on the Upper East Side; and severalcouples spend time at Vail. Maybe I am talking about

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STILL MARRIED

CHILDREN: Two, ages 1 4 and I iSTATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS: They still use the double sleep-ing bag that zips together.WHY ThEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Son of secretary ofState; Wellesley; Yale Law

Mrs. Rogers assures us that the pheasant aux chasseursserved at her elaborate wedding feast went over well:"lt was great!" But the Rogerses' wedding was notwholly traditional. Not only did his father read fromThe Prophet, but, says Mrs. Rogers, "at the time, I wasliving in a commune in New Haven, and one of themembers was Henry WinklerHenry writes about itin his book. All our commune friends were at the wed-ding. On one band we had the chief justice of theSupreme Court and all these security people in thetrees, and boats in the water, and then we had all thecommune people also in the trees, doing other things."Asked about his wife's communal past with the Fonz,Mr. Rogers says, "That was before we met. And Yalecommunes were pretty tame."

After law school, the couple moved to Portland, Ore-gon. He is the Portland city attorney; she is an associatedean of Lewis and Clark Law School. When their chu-dren were young, the couple shared a caseload at theU.S. Attorney's Office in Portland. Mrs.Rogers says, "I think the kids see us as in-terchangeable. If I was in court, Jeff was athome, cooking and cleaning. You're start-ing to see more of that now, but when wedid it in the seventies, it was hard. Espe-cially on Jeff, because he was seen as notreal committed to his career."

SEPTEMBER 1991 SPY 45

that sense ofthe word class.Even in truckin' old 197 1 , most of

these brides and grooms probablyhoped their marriages would survive.Eighteen out of 29 actually did. Acouple more certainly won't, and I've -

been trying to decide whether thesuccess or failure of each marriagecould have been predicted by its an-nouncement alone. One of the still-married wives went to my daughter'sschool, while one of the divorced coupleswas married by the same priest who oflici-ated at my wedding. That says somethingabout something, doesn't it? Four of the seven debu-tantes are divorced; so are the three couples whomarried in college, though both couples who marriedin law school stayed together. On the other hand, it'shard to believe that both the Cicis are still married.

There are obviously some vestigial Me Decadesensibilities at work in the minds ofsome parents (asterling exception is Jeffrey and Kristine Rogers, whowin both the Best Wedding Announcement and BestUpdate awards in all categories). Several divorcedcouples seem bewilderingly confident that theirofipring liked watching the household fall apart. Histwo sons reacted well to the breakup of their parents'marriage, says one dad: "They are very mature indealing with changes." "The kids see their father everyother weekend," a mom explains. "I think basicallythey're products of the nineties, and theyre happyknowing that we're happy." You know those kids of thenineties, always valuing their parents' happiness abovetheir own. What a coincidence that they've all adjustedso nicelyjust the way every child in Manhattan adoresthe nanny.

Raising kids aside, 20 years have taught thesecouples a lot about Life. And the lessons they've learned!"Clearly, marriage was nor born in Heaven," says onewife. "It's something you have to work at, and eventhen it sometimes doesn't make it." "Things are alwaysreplaceable," another woman points out. Olcourse, itwould be unfair to expect people to spout lapidaryaphorisms just because they're 20 years older than theyused to be. And if these couples had been polled ontheir (1971) wedding day, they probablyno,certainlywouldn't have sounded any better. But still!"It's much more permissive today." "A lot of thingschanged for me in 20 years." "When our first dog died,it was a big blow."

One wonders whether the Times announcementsthemselves had any influence on the marriages. What ifthe paper's society editors had picked a whole differentcrop ofpeople for that September 19, and all thecouples featured on these pages had found that the onlymentions of their weddings were in their hometownweeklies? We'll never know, but there's one thing ofwhich we can be sure: if the Times printed divorceannouncements, all marriages would last forever.

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7CHILDREN: Two, ages 18 and 14; live with

::1 their mother in New Paltz, New YorkF ' Y :Ç

("Things other parents take for granted are-f special events for me," Mr. Miner says)

.

FAST-FORWARD: Mr. Miner married Whitty

- Sanford in 1980. They live in a farmhouse inRoxbury, New York, with her two sons. He

was a freelance photographer until 1975, whenhe started doing nonprofit environmental work. In

1988, Betsy Cornwall remarricd; Mr. Miner and hisnew wife attended the wedding. Ms. Cornwall's secondmarriage also ended in divorce. She spends her timebeing PTA president, bird-watching and volunteeringas an emergency medical technician for the New PaltzRescue &uad. The extended modern family gathers forbirthdays and other events. "This is not easy," Mr.Miner admits. "All ofus make a very concerted effort."HIM ON HER: "Betsy Cornwall is a very nice person, butshe and I weren't fated to be married."HER ON HIM: "Tom was such a hipster. I consider myselflucky, because we have a very amiable relationship."EARLY WARNING SIGN: When Ms. Cornwall was eight and ahalf months pregnant, the couple was featured in amedical-training filmabout cesarean sections.Though the film wassupposed to capture a

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.

blissful expectant cou-ple,theMiners bickered .

STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS:

"We split them up," he 'says. "But the hardest part of divorce is the way you getartificially severed from people you know."FUN FACTS: At their potluck wedding, he wore velvetbell-bottoms, and she wore a Bedouin-style gown; theyhoneymooned in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, in order to at-tend a crafts fair.WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Daughter of Wal-lace- E i i jahar 1 ii Ud president ; Princeton

DIVORCED IN 1990

CHILDREN:TwO,ages l3and 11FAST-FORWARD: Both live on the Upper East Side of Man-hattan. She says, "I loathe any kind ofpublicity," becauseher ex-husband "is fairly controversial." He is a seniorvice president at CBS and, as Laurence Tisch's key strate-

gist. is said to run the network.FUN FACT: He once told the Times,"Im mysterious, and I want ro staythat way."WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES:

Mayor Lindsay in attendance; Har-vard Law

ilkji*4rí £e4*fs.J a.J tjLtSua MARRIED

CHILDREN: Three, ages 14, 1 1 and 9FAST-FORWARD: At the time of his marriage, MichaelJ.eaI1}'

W1S assistant to New York Tjn,ç metropolitan cdi-tot Arthur Gelb. While Gelb has been relegated to theTimes Foundation, Mr. Leahy is now deputy editor ofthe Timei Week in Review. Mrs. Leahy left banking fora career in law and has been at the New York law firmolMilbank, Tweed, Hadley & McCloy since 1982. Thecouple lives on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Oflice perk

1I1'1r t.itDIVORCED IN i 986CHILDREN: Three, ages 16, 15 and 14; joint custodySTATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS: He says, "When we got di-vorced, I took eight or ten of my favorite oil paintingsand oe or two of my own personal chairs."HIM ON HER: "She's an angry woman."HER ON HIM: "1 juSt cant stand him."WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Daughter of Save theChildren Federation chairman; four debuts

When Phillip Minella married Sarah Finch, the Timesreported that he was "engaged in land development."They couldn't say I was a carpenter, for Christ's sake!

My father-in-law wouldn't think that was proper!" saysthe self-styled former "dashing young ski hero."

The Minellas spent most of their ten years togethershuttling between homes in Nantucket, Sun Valley andAspen. The ski bum had met the debutante in Vail: "Iused to ski for the K-2 demonstration team. That's whenI met that woman I married. What was her name?"

His ex-wife married John Warner in 1988 and livesin Chatliam, Massachusetts. She and Mr. MincI-la share custody of their children. "That's whyI OVC wherever she lives," explains Mr.Minella. "Typically what happens in a divorceis that the woman controls the children. Mycase was weird, because to me what was im-portant was not the money. I never had anymoney as a kid, so it didn't matter, and mywife obviously had incredible money, and she just al-ways expected it. So our fight was over the kids. I said,No way you're going to walk away and leave me with-

out my children. Until my kids are 18, they're going tospend some time of every day with me.' To make iteasy, I just do whatever the hell she wants." He is con-sidering writing a book about his divorce experience.

"I just can't stafl(I him," Mrs. Warner says throughclenched teeth, adding "I just can't do it!" when askedto say anything mo about her ex-husband.

. Mr. Minella is still 'en-4

gaged in land development"! .

and says, "I spend all my timet - . and all my money on my

;; I kids. It's better than hangingL . out with women, sleazing."

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STILL MARRIED

CHILDREN: Two, ages 8 and 5FAST-FORWARD: The Coopers lived in Memphis until1976, when they moved to Jackson, Mississippi. Heowns a commercial real estate firm, and she runs acaten ng business.i 991 INSIGHTS: She says, " He's loosened up,and I've calmed down. He needed to be-come more childlike, and I needed to be-come more like a grown-up."THE SECRET OF THEIR SUCCESS: Finding GodWHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Bed-ding heiress

Though she is the great-granddaughter ofthe founder ofCannon Mills, Sanda Coop-er does not use Cannon sheets ("I don'tpay any attention to that. I just get what fits the bed").She was in law school at the time of her wedding butdropped out shortly thereafter. Mrs. Cooper speaks can-didly about the major change in her life since then: "Inabout 1973 I became a Christian, which was verystrange. I went to Sarah Lawrence, and being a Chris-tian or a cheerleader were two things that were certain-ly frowned upon. I'm an adult child ofan alcoholic, anda lot of that stuff caught up with me, and I was justmiserable. After trying therapy and some drug experi-mentation and many other routes, I thought I'd justgive God a shot."

She attributes the success of her marriage to herreligious conversion: "I don't know how he

put up with me until that point. But hewas probably too sick to noticehe'san adult child of an alcoholic as well.We didn't know it when we first got

married, but then we sort oflooked up and thought, Gosh,we're sick! He was out of What-

, ton business school, and I was* out ofSarah Lawrence, so it wasstrange. I had my fist in theair, and he had a one-inch tie

on! It was a peculiar combination."Mr. Cooper, also a relatively new Christian, says,

"My focus is on family and my spirit life much more sothan it was in 1971. Then it was mainly financial andupward mobility and that kind of thing."

J _____MR. SLONAKER DIED IN 1989.CHILDREN: Three, ages 14, i i and 9FAST-FORWARD: Mrs. Slonaker teaches platform tennis inSummit, New Jersey. Until Mr. Slonaker's death fromcancer, the family had lived a normal suburban life. Hiswidow says, " We were sort of boring. We really enjoyedour children and had a great family life,"WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Daughter of nation-ally ranked lawn-tennis player; Princeton

SEPTEMBER 1991 SPY 47

'.Sl4TL.a *.j

DIVORCED IN 1991

CHILDREN: Four, ages 18, 16, 15 and 8FAST-FORWARD: For most of their married life, the Youngslived in Lenox, Massachusetts. Ms. Young remains inLenox with the children. "I'm a nurse, but I'm workingat a retirement home as a waitress, because I have fourkids and I have to be home," she says. Mr. Young hasmoved to nearby Lanesboro, where he is a pharmacistand lives with his girlfriend, who has fivechi!dren.1991 INSIGHTS: "Getting divorced was nopicnic," says Ms. Young. 'I didn't thinkthat was going to happen for sure. NowI'm not really sure what to expect. At thispoint, I'm just sort of maintaining." Mr.Young: "I've become more realistic overthe last 20 years, and less idealistic."STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS: Ms. Young says,"Some of the things vcren't very useful at au.

WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: She is descendedfrom Peter Stuyvesant, Massachusetts Bay Colony goy-ernor John Winthrop, John Jacob Astor and an ambas-sador to Spain.

'i.', '4 .'4 s' c:r:: ii.t4Q,

STILL MARRIED

CHILDREN: Two, ages 18 and 10STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS: She says, "Someone gave us aclay OWl. lt still SitS gathering dust in the hallway. Ijust (dUt bring myselfto throw it out.'

.

1-1 Ç;.:.s ti t llDIVORCED IN 1974

CHILDREN: NoneHER ON HIM: "I mean, he was a real lemon."STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS: She kept them. "I think theonly reason I lucked out with that, though, is that hemoved and he couldn't take that much stuff with him.

I Mostly they were all from my friends, anyway.'

Michele Chapman recalls meeting her husband: "I hadbeen going in for a date in New York, which didn'tturn out well. I was dumped! On the way back I metHowardwho I later found out was marriedon thetrain. It was a real night!" After their marriage, theylived in Milford, Connecticut, and he worked for a

computer-service firm.According to Ms. Chapman, "He was a very

handsome fellow, so he probably still is. About sixfoot two, very charming, a real user. The biggestproblem I had with him is that he had a lot ofsupport payments and everything for his children.He never gave me anything for household expens-es. He never gave anybody anything. He just kepthis salary and did his thing."

Since their 1974 divorce, Ms. Chapman hasI 1- er heard from the man she refers to as How-weird.He moved to Ojai, California, where he married a thirdtimebefore securing a divorce. (The bigamist simplyreused the divorce papers from his first marriage.) Ms.Chapman remained in Connecticut and now lives withher fiancé ofsix years; she is an administrative assistantat a medical-supply firm. She reflects, "My life sort ofwent up when I dumped him. I'm pretty content now,just sort of coasting. The one good thing about the di-vorce is that it was truly a learning experience. Withthis current relationship, I didn't make the same mis-takes. I think I look into people now, their personali-ties, and I try to get more value out of a person thanmaybe attractiveness and everything I thought of whenI was younger. Now I got a nice job, and a nice Iella,and we have a home."

The Templetons have lived in Vermont since their mar-nage. He is an electrical contractor, and she is a part-time special-education teacher who plans to go to grad-uate school.

Mrs. Templeton describes some of the, well, swentierelements of her wedding: "I wore a Mexican weddingdress; we had friends who came in blue jeans and worelong morning coats. I understand several of them wentswimming nude afterward. It's funny, because we'vegone pretty much back to our upper-middle-class be-

ginnings again. Certainly the drug culture is somethingwe're not even remotely near anymore. I think duringthe early days we definitely had people floating in andfloating out, and things were being grown outsidetoday you wouldn't dare do."

Mrs. Templeton is philosophical about the longevi-ty of her marriage: "Marriage is something you haveto work at, and even then it sometimes doesn't makeit. I think that you change. Were very, very differentpeople, grown together and grown apart all at thesame time."

4SSPYSEPTEMRER 1991

1 41 A

STILL MARRIED

CHILDREN: '\OIìeFAST-FORWARD: The Thomassets live in Bedford, NewYork. Mr. Thomasset is a chemical-process engineer.His wife, the stepdaughter of Beverly Sills, is a lectureron speech communication at Jona College.THE SECRET OF THEIR SUCCESS: "It's amazing that we're stilltogether. I know we work very hard," she says.STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS: Their favorite present, a Reveresilver bowl that had been a shooting trophy of hisuncle's, was stolen, along with all the rest of their wed-ding silver. "For a fifteenth-anniversary gift," she says,"my husband went out and bought all new silver. Iwas very touched by that."WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Btvcrlv Sillsconnection

"LI -._.1-t1i1. lçuI

DWORCED IN 1973CHILDREN: NoneFAST-FORWARD: Gloria Davy, who had previously beenmarried to another man named Herman, lives most ofthe year in Bloomington, Indiana, where she teachesmusic at Indiana University. Summers she lives inGeneva as the honorary consul for St. Vincent and theGrenadines. Hahn remarried in 1975 and leads "a verysuburban life" with his second wife and their two sonsin Karlsruhe, Germany. He is vice president of Univer-sity Fridericiana.WHAT WENT WRONG: Rvo Hermans, two mistakes."WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Harvard Ph.D.

C Oiì'Li'L !hSTILL MARRIED

CHILDREN: Two, ages 14 and i iFAST-FORWARD: The O'Malleys have lived outside Londonfor the past five years. Before that, they spent time inBrussels and Mexico. She worked as an administratorfor the University Foundation at Columbia until theymoved abroad. He is the VP and international counselfor the Bristol-Myers Group in Uxbridge. They main-tain a summer home in Connecticut.STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS: "My favorite rwn Iver

Irish birds," she says.WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES:

Rockefeller i n attendance; Deer-field; Harvard

k;$4fIk¿17 amt_.;a

STILL MARRIED

CHILDREN: None * .FAST-FORWARD: Mr. Ives is aprincipal Appleton Part-ners, a Boston money-man-agement firm, which he '

founded in 1988. Mrs. Ivesis a volunteer and devotesmost of her time to theTrustees of Reservations.They live in Hamilton,Massachusetts, and areVery active in the NationalRowing Foundation.HIM ON HER: "There ainEII() mOSS growing under lier :).-.& I feet!"

STILL MARRIED

CHILDREN: IWO. ages l'i and 8THE SECRET OF THEIR SUCCESS: "I

was 26 when I got married,and my husband was 32, so wewere not kids," she says.STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS:

They're partial to a woodenbarrel on wheels that doublesas an end table and an icebucket.FUN FACT: ' President Bush is a very good friend of myparents'," says Mrs. White.WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Granddaughter of el-evator-company founder

The aptly named Whites lived in New York until1977, when he took a job with Union Carbide in Dan-bury and they moved to Greenwich. "We love it here,"says Mrs. White. "My parents live right around the cor-ner, and the girls are the fourth generation at theirschool." Still, the White girls' childhood is differentfrom their mother's: "My 14-year-old knows moreabout life than I ever did. She can tell me a few things.¡r': rnnIi more permissive today, and divorces are much

evalent. I think family values havejwt broken

r Union Carbide, Mr. White went to Gulf +Vestern, now Paramount Communications,Is treasurer. His wife says, "(Paramount chair-man] Martin Davis is not a very nice boss towork with! He likes to just stand there andtake the wings off flies. He runs on humilia-tion, and nobody can do anything right, andLewis, being the treasurer of the whole corn-

pany, was a very visible target." In 1989, Mr.White quit and became an independent con-sultant to bankrupt companies. "It's a verylucrative business," says his wife. "He's on abig assignrnent right now in Dallas and Tal-lahassee, so he's not around very much." Lastyear, after a 14-year hiatus from the laborforce, Mrs. White took a job in retail. "1york three to four days a week at a very exclu-,e an tique-and-stationery-and-leather store.Il-time would be too hecticcarpool sched-s and stuff."The Whites have eight pets and are about

I buy a potbellied pig ("You've got to put a- eir nose so they don't root!"). Mrs. White is

no longer a member of the Junior League. "In Green-wich you join a garden club," she says. "This soundskind ofsnotty, but ifyou're new to Greenwich, you staya member of the Junior League. But my grandmotherf oiinded a garden club, and two past grandmothers werepresidents, and my mother's a member. So I just wentfrom the Junior League to the garden club. I justcouldn't do both."

THE SECRET OF THEIR

SUCCESS: "You've got to be able to laugh to-gether," he says.FUN FACT: "I'm a friend of (George Bush'sJbrother Jonathan, if that means anything,'he says.WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Grand-

daughter otbank president; St. Paul's; Yale

SEPTEMBER 1991 SPY 49

'LY;ff41 ..* j44L,00&.STILL MARRIED (though they live aparthe in Colorado,L&: in Palo Altofor professional reasons)

CHILDREN: One, age 17HIM ON HER: "She's very difficult to get hold of," says Mr.I loibrook. "She's a workaholic."WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: (ireat-grand-daughter ot Franklin Simon, the departmcnt-store founder (a large ad for the store appearedin that day's paper)

Mr. Holbrook speculates that their living "athousand miles apart" is "maybe what keepsthe marriage together.

"They've been doing

this since 1987, after jointly relocating "about everyfive years."

Mrs. Holbrook was until very recently a managerand buyer for Stanford University's sports program. Herhusband is the director of marketing services at CoorsBrewing Company. The couple sees each other onceevery month or so. "We see each other at parents' week-ends," he says. "We had about eight or nine days inHawaii together in April. Sometimes business crossesour paths. " He speculates that the recent death of herfather, who lived in California, might change their liv-

ing situation, then adds, "But no, she's doing very wellin her job, and I didn't marry a housewife. And I bavethe philosophy, as does she, that we work to reach cer-tain levels of self-value, and marriage shouldn't get inthe way of that."

h.4e4v$4Jt *4*4tSTILL MARRIED

CHILDREN: Two, ages 13 and 8FAST-FORWARD: Both practice law in Denver, where theyhave lived every year except one since they were mar-ned. In 1989 they bought a second home, in Vail.1991 INSIGHTS: "I think people (today) have a muchdifferent idea about how difficult life is going to turnout to be. Back then people really thought you couldsolve the world's problems and live happily ever after.

That hasn't turned out to be true,"she says.THE SECRET OF THEIR SUCCESS: "We're alittle dullsville," says M rs. Hall."We've lived in the same house for14 years.'STATUS OF WEDDING

GIFTS: She loves Grandmother's silvercandelabra; he prefers a chess set.FUN FACT: Mr. Hall wanted thetheme from 2001: A SpaceOdyssey played as the bride cameinto the chapel. This was notperm i ttCd.WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE

TIMES: I)aughtcr ol vice president of

International Talc Co.; son of amining company president; Smith

50 SPY SEPTEMBER 1991

ci> tLVJ144 44JSTILL MARRIED

CHILDREN: Three, ages i 8, 1 5 and 10THE SECRET OF ThEIR SUCCESS: Dr. Wernik, who admits tohaving "love attacks," dedicated his sex manual (Open-MindedSex, 1987) to his wife.

STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS: Obsessive about Lenox salt

i. Y THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES:

and pepper shakers

Uil ot member UI Israeli Finance

Ministry-

I javing met while both were onduty in a osychiatric hospital,

the Werniks were married on October 26, 1971, inJ erusalem, where they have lived ever since, except forthree years when Dr. Wernik was earning his doctorateat the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. "ltstill feels good 20 years down the road," she says."There have been a lot of milestones in our life. Wewere newlyweds, virtually, in '73 when the Yom Kip-pur War broke out, and my husband was in the armythen for seven months."

Mrs. Wernik, who has a master's degree in socialwork, works in family therapy and sex therapy.

, tlIt. t' I.' c*,!* ,. . . Jli.....,.

STILL MARRIED

CHILDREN: ,NOflC

FAST-FORWARD: The self-described "very private" VonBriesens Iivc in Oyster Bay Cove, New York.THE SECRET OF THEIR SUCCESS: "My parents were divorcedabout 40 years ago," he says. "Unfortunately, the NewYork City press had a field day with it.FUN FACT: Mr. Von Briesen knows Sondra Forbes Jaques.WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Great-grandson ofI.egal Aid Society founder

a.JDIVORCED IN 1986CHILDREN: Three, ages 15, 13 and 11; live with mother.She says, "The kids see their father every other week-end. I think basically they're products of the nineties,and they're happy knowing we're both happy."FAST-FORWARD: She runs a landscape-design business inRye, New York. He is a physicianan orthopedic spe-cialistin Brockton, Massachusetts.i 991 INSIGHTS: Katie Brown says, "Hopefully, I'm not

LS naive. I don't see things as black-and-white as Idid then. in your twenties, you want everythingto be perfect and people to be perfect, and now Iknow that's not going to happen. I like beingsingle, because I really don't have to compro-mise too much other than for my children. I'mIn charge. I run the ship."STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS: "Things were prettyr:i1i (Ilvided up," she says.

WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Smith,(:hi>ire; her job at the Metropolitan Museum of Art

J4,

uI4t_ S0.114t..4-

DIVORCED IN i 974

CHILDREN: NoneFAST-FORWARD: In I 974 he married Baroness Astrid vonHeyl; they have one child and live in Manhaan. He isVP of Forbes Inc.. the family firm, where he courts ad-vertisers. Sondra is now married to Willard Jaques; theyhave two children and live in Cold Spring Harbor.Wiiî WENT WRONG: "I'm horrified to be part of the statis-

Itics. I was married before Iwas 2 1 very stupid," says

-T; Forbes. "For once our parentswere right."1991 INSIGHTS: "In 20 years,"he says, " the perspective onehas on what has happened

I around one has changed. One; probably views with more;71 horror some things and more

,z toleration other things."

HER ON HIM: "I have been ap-I proached many times for certain

things, God knows, pertainingto the Forbeses, and I truly do not ever give an interview."HIM ON HER: "I'd be very happy ifl saw her on the street.I think her name is now Jaques."STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS: She kept them.WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Son of notoriouswealth\? 1)iker

4S ¿41 gje; * *4S a11t4t 4*14gt ÇO4JSSEPARATED IN i 990CHILDREN: Two, ages 17 and 12; live with their motheron Central Park West, not far from their fatherFAST-FORWARD: She sells advertising; he is a lawyer.WHAT WENT WRONG: "I'm not blaming it on Manhattan,Fm not blaming it on her, I've stopped blaming it onmyself," Mr. Kleinman says. "When people break up,anybody who believes it's totally the other person'sfault is as unwise as someone who believes it's alltheir fault. lt's not unilateral. But it's never fifty-fifty, either."HIM ON HER: "I don't think there's a fight going on, butwere not socializing. She's a nice person. She's got nicethings about her, and she's got problems just like I (lo.Certainly she's bright, and I find her attractive, but I'mnot looking for reconciliation. When it's over, it's over."1991 INSIGHTS: He says, "I consider myself a failure roa certain extent. I haven't accomplished as much as Ithought I would, I haven't made as much money as Ithought I would. I haven't achieved any greatness. I:Ion't consider myself somebody who has a multitude of'riends.'STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS: "She has everythingthetpartment, the belongings."WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Daughter of manwith vague publishing connection

eQ-a l'L.,.. 14,4.t. J(tfse.ss.se t1I1ieSTILL MARRIED

CHILDREN: 'I'wo, ages 18 and 19FAST-FORWARD: The Manns live in Cleveland. She re-ceived a graduate degree in business administrationfrom Case Western Reserve University, where she nowworks developing heal rh-care-information systems. Heis chief of obstetrics and gynecology at Cleveland'sMetro Health Medical Center.THE SECRET OF THEIR SUCCESS: "Compromise," she says."I've been flexible enough to move when he wants to.He's been flexible enough to be able to fix the kids' din-ner for seven years in a row when I was trying to finishgraduate schooland he moved me twice in the middleof it, so J went to three separate universities to get thedegree. Marriage is something that's not a throwawaycommodity. Over the last 20 years there have been veryrocky times, but it's been a matter of sort of hunkering(toWn and saying we'll get through this,"STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS: She's attached to an Irish li::cn

tablecloth.WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Great-ran1dnilì-

tir of Prcsl(l(n( Taft

44f ;t4STILL MARRIED

CHILDREN: Two, agesI 3 and i I

FAST-FORWARD: Havingmet when they bothworked at Young &Rubicam, the Fieldsdid stints in Wash-ington, D.C., andFlorida before settlingnine years ago in Ti-monium,Maryland. He is now with a Baltimore ad agen-

cy. She worked as a legal secretary until her chi!-dren were born and has been enrolled for four

years as an undergraduate at Towson State:. University.

.

.

THE SECRET OF THEIR SUCCESS: Mrs. Field says,- i "Paul and I have an agreement: the first

. 011e who decides to leave has to take both.

¡ :

the children. Don't tell my kids."

'1.ja.* %j-Ia4Ii'.* ulIA ¿,&i.iaLetfs

STILL MARRIED

CHILDREN: Two, ages i 5 and I 3FAST-FORWARD: For eight years Mr. Hawn practiced lawat L)avis Polk & Wardwell while his wife was an assis-tant Manhattan district attorney. In 1979 they movedto Minneapolis, where he works at an investment firm

and she is starting her own floral business.STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS: "We still use a quilt my sistermade, " she says.WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TEMES: Granddaughter of asolicitor general of the U.S. and an Auchincloss; LeRosey; Andover)

SEVJtMBER 1991 SPY 51

4 (ì

t;

(J

:

tII

IJF,' di- w

''IIí.

_- --

-

_:jPIrl:i

L::::

!

- -4 It sure pays to know the secrets of the universe! Thanks

to the teachings of L. Ron Hubbardand despite the scorn of Wall

Streetthe Feshbach brothers have made millions and millions by

predicting disaster. The only troubles they didn't foresee were their own.

ROBABLY 1HE O1)DEST, MOST MANIACAL AND MOST REVILED CREATURES KNOWN TO HIGH

finance are those jackal-like investors who sell stocks short. Since the best thing that can- happen from their point of view is for a company to go bankrupt, short sellers operate in

a kind of Wall Street Bizarro World, where everything is the opposite of what it should be: goodnews is bad, bad news is good, and the stock charts all look like they've been turned upside down.The life is strange and also lonely. The corporate and financial establishments hate short sellers be-

cause they undermine the boosterish optimism and rising stock prices that keep American busi-nessmen happy and busy. Add to all this the fact that selling short is extremely risky, and it looks as

ifthe country's premier short sellers would occupy an adequately weird place in the cosmos.For Joe, Matt and Kurt Feshbach, however, such a role is apparently not quite bizarre enough.

They not only have been wildly successful managing hundreds ofmillions ofdollars in the countrys

largest fund devoted exclusively to selling shortbuying Ferraris and horrifying CEOs along thewaybut also are members of the Church of Scientology. And not just any members, mind youthey have given at least $1 million to the Church, and Joe and Matt have

attained its highest ranking. That's right, they are Operating Thetan VJILc iJiJg a.*ø.s-(Kurt is a mere OT VII, but he has spent most of the past year holed upin Florida taking intensive instruction). All three of the Feshbach wives are auditors, or official Sci-

entology therapists, and their children regularly attend Scientology courses after school.

What is most surprising about the Feshbachs' storyto us infidels, anywayis that investingaccording to principles of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard has worked spectacularly well

SEP1EMBER t991 SPY5

L -investing according to theworked spectacularly wellfor them, at least until recently. In1985 the brothers, along with Dal-las investor Tom Barton, formedSouthgate Partners Ltd., a short-selling partnership. From 1985until December 1990, Southgatehad an extremely impressive corn-pound gross annual rate of return of39 percent. For the year ended De-cember 1990 alone, the gross returnwas almost 58 percent, while thes&P 500 Index finished the sameyear down 3 percent. This has madesuch investors as Dreyfus Corpora-tion, the large mutual-fund-man-agement firm, very happy. The Fesh-bachs too: since they earn a fee of Ipercent of the assets under manage-ment and keep 20 percent of thegains, and since they have a sub-stantial interest in the partnershipthemselves, the brothers togethermust have made tens of millions ofdollars in each of the last few years.With 55 employees spread overthree offices in Palo Alto, Dallas andClearwater, the Feshbachs run prob-ably the most feared short-sellingoperation in the country; they haveeven driven corporate chairmen toask Congress for legislative protec-tion from short-seller raids.

With success comes imitation.The profession of short selling hasbecome increasingly popular onWall Street. The Feshbacbs havebeen excellent role models, and thelesson many learned from the Octo-ber 1987 crash was that this calam-ity represented paradise on earth forone group of investors: those whohad sold short. For a generationráised on cynicism and skepticismand a nonjudgmental flexibilitybordering on amoralityKurt is39, Joe and Matt are fraternal twinsa year youngerselling short has acertai n i ntellectual honesty aboutit. Short sellers don't merely expectthe worstthey hope for it, andthen back up their cynicism withreal money. Alas, the past fewmonths have been difficult .for allthe "shorts," and in the land of Op-

54 SPYSEPTEMBER 1991

erating stock speculation,life has become particularly trying.Don't buy a copy of Dianetkc andcall your broker quite yet.

"-4ERE'S HOW A SHORT SELLER

goes about making moneyafter he has identified a

stock whose price he's sure willdrop: First he borrows some sharesof the stock from a brokeragehouse. Eventually the short sellerwill have to replace what he hasborrowed, but in the meantime hecan do something wonderful withhis borrowed shares: he sells themin the open market and keeps theproceeds. If his prediction is accu-rate, the stock will dive in thecoming weeks or months (losses,product failure, embezzlementallthese are helpful). With the stocknow much cheaper, the short sellerbuys the same number of sharesthat he borrowed and squaresthings with his broker. His profitis the difference between theamount he received when he soldthe shares and the amount he laterpaid when he replaced them. Real-ly, a short seller is just like anyother investorhe hopes to makemoney by buying low and sellinghigh. What's different about theshort seller is that he reverses thenormal order. He sells high first,then lie buys low.

Let's suppose the Feshbachs havedecided short the stock of some-thing called, say, The WendellGroup Inc. They borrow 10,000shares from a broker and put upsome cash or stock as collateral.They sell the shares, and if WGI istrading at around $100 a share, theFeshbachs receive $1 million. As-sume the stock drops to $20 as theexpansion of WGI's information-service business fails miserably. TheFeshbachs buy back the shares for$200,000, return them to the bro-ker and make an $800,000 profit.

Things can go wrong. Take, forexample, the recent stock activity

of an Indiana life-insurance holdingcompany called Conseco Compa-nies. Short sellers including theFeshbach brothers started shortingthis stock feverishly last fall, con-vinced by its heavy debt load andwhat they saw as its screwy ac-counting that it was headed eventu-ally for a big fall; most shorted thestock at around $22 and then satback happily as the stock droppedquickly to $17. But then the stockheaded upway, way up. It reacheda high of $83.75 this year, before atwo-for-one split. Well, let's see: Ifyou sold 10,000 shares of Consecoshort at $22, you received $220,000.To replace them at roughly $84 ashare, you would have to pay$840,000. That wouki make for atidy loss of more than half a milliondollars.

Of course, a short who lost hisnerve would have "covered" his po-sition by buying the stock backwell before it reached such heights.There is a catch to short selling,and the Conseco case illustrates itnicely. As short seller Frederick"Shad" Rowe, general partner of theDallas hedge fund Greenbrier Part-ners, explains it, "While the risk onthe long side is limited by the factthat a stock can only go down tozero, and so the investor can loseonly 100 percent, the risk on theshort side is almost unlimited,since a stock can go up theoreticallyto infinity." Almost unlimited risk isthe kind of thing that some peo-pie. . .oh, might tend to shy awayfrom. Not the Feshbachs. Through-out Conseco's almost 400 percentrise they held on to their short posi-tion. Sure enough, the stock pricebegan to fall last summer, and thebrothers believe they will make agreat killing.

" HE REASON JoE CAN'T FEEL

the cold is because he's fat."_________That's Matt Feshbach ex-plaining to a visitor why his pudgybrother Joe is immune to the chill

principles of L. Ron Hubbard hasat least until recentlyon a recent spring morning in PaloAlto. It's the kind of banter, someof it charmingly adolescent (aswhen they try to think up all thedifferent ways ro incorporate theword spy into casual conversationwith this resorter), that best char-acterizes the Feshbachs' manner.They go out of their way ro appearrelaxed, relaxed to the point ofoften seeming almost asleep; in-deed, as Matt lies apparently restingon his office sofa after lunch, theonly indication that he helps man-age $450 million worth of otherpeople's money is his occasional in-tense stare at the flickering corn-puter screens on his desk.

As native Californians whosebackground seems more like that ofsurfers than that of financial mo-guis, the Feshbachs come by theirlaid-back manner honestly. Afterinauspicious academic careersJoeand Matt never finished college,while Kurt couldn't even bringhimself to complete high schoolthey knocked around California,Kurt working as a diamond brokerin Los Angeles and Matt and Joeteaching tennis in Palo Alto. In1981 their father asked them tojoin his public-relations firm,which specialized in representingsmall energy companies. Once set-tled in Dad's office, the brothersstumbled upon their first candi-date for a short sale: an oil-and-gasventure that had a $45 millionstock-market value despite lowsales and lack of capital.After making a quick360,000 shorting itsstock, the brothers werehooked, and in 19g2they began their ownstock-shorting firm,using funds gleanedfrom friends they askedto be investors.

The Feshbachs soonconcentrated on uncov- _______ering so-called fraudstocks, those companies

whose financial statements arebased primarily on misleading in-formation. Using a rough versionof the "short checklist" their ana-lysts still use today, the brotherssearched for what they only halfjokingly called the "greater knowl-edge of truth" in a company's cashflows, earnings, margins and salesthis worked brilliantly in the caseof Cannon Group, the high-flyingfilm producer. Usi ng investigative-reporting techniques ranging fromcalling a company's competitorsand customers to hiring private de-tectives to dig up dirt, they uncov-ered fraud behind such infamouscompanies as the bankrupt Los An-geles carpet cleaner ZZZZ BestInc. and American Continental, thebankrupt parent company ofCharles Keating's S&L.

Predictably, this new kind of in-vestigative stock research enragedcorporate chairmen. It also infuriat-ed the "longs," the brokerage-firmanalysts whose inherently conflictedjob it is to issue objective researchreports on companies whose stocktheir firm is trying to persuade thepublic to buy. Securities analystsissue five "buy" recommendationsfor every "sell" recommendation, sotheir optimistic bias is evident.

The eagerness of the Feshbachsto burst this convivial bubble ofoptimism and goodwill on WallStreet made them exceedingly un-popular with the bullish majorityfrom the very startbut what really

got people mad was all the negativecompany stories the brothers al-legedly planted with the financialpress to drive down the prices ofstocks they were shorting.

"They manipulate the media,and they have journalists in theirpocket to create damaged goods,"sniffs H. J. Meyers & Co. analystRafi Kahn, the author of some hy-perventilatingly favorable reportson Conseco, the Indiana insurer(one headline read, HISTORY IN THEMAKING; FUNDAMENTALLY HUGELY

ATTRACTIVE: AGGRESSIVE PURCHASE

RECOMMENDED).To the rest of the optimistic

world, professional shorts and theirparty-pooping are almost un-Am-encan. It just isn't nice to be pes-simistic all the time. As anyonewho has lived through the 1980sknows, ours is a society reliant onthe power ofpositive thinking. "I'dsay people think that anytime anegative person attacks the econo-my or a company, that's bad for thepeople who are working in it," as-serts Raymond Dirks, a financialanalyst at the New York brokeragefirm Baird, Patrick & Company anda well-known bull. "Negativismjust breeds more negativism, andthat'll tear you down."

Meanwhile, the Feshbachs'short-selling brethren are criticaloftheir high profile in the press. "Idon't think this business lends it-self to publicity," said one shortseller who, like practically all of

the others reached forthis story, refused tobe identified. "Thevery best shorts are theones you never hear

srPiIiBiR 1991 SPY 55

Corporate executives people on

about. It's just stupidyou ctyourself up as a target for thebulls, and the companies fromwhich you are trying to get infor-mation slam the door on you."

Worse still, in the eyes of theshort world, is the brothers' delib-erate, Henry Kravislike flauntingof their wealththose Testarossas,the million-dollar homes, the jet.In private as well as in public, theshort-seller style reflects a loathingofdisplay, and the mere mention ofthe brothers' latest materialistic ex-cess can make even the toughestshort wince with embarrassment.of course, such extravagances arejust the kind of thing shorts lookfor in a company on its way down.

Although the brothers vigorous-ly deny spreading false rumorsabout companies, they are Ire-quently quoted in the press, claim-ing it is great free advertising, andthey argue rather persuasively thatthey have as much ola right to dis-cuss their research results with re-porters as corporate public-rela-tions people have to discuss theirclients' news. "We're on the recordon purpose, in part to try to endthe notion that shorts are thisseedy, shifty little bunch who hideall the time," says Joe. "And wr

think making a legitimateeffort to make the realfacts known about a corn-pany is simply part of thebusiness. " .

I

As for planting anony-mous negative stories, Joeflatly denies any such ac-tivity. "We don't call re- ,porters, but they often callus," he claims. Whetherthey plant stories or not,there's no doubt the poten-tial for press coverage plays .

an important role in theirevaluation of short candi-dates: one of the categories !t

on their printed "shortchecklist" ¡s "Would thiscompany make a story for -

56 SPY SEPTEMBER 1991

short sellers tear the Fethe Heard on the Street column ofThe Wall Street Jo#rnaI?"

'SCORPORATE EXECUTIVES,

people on Wall Street and________ their short-selling compa-triots are afraid of the Feshbachshave we mentioned that their em-ployees and former employees are,too? Of more than two dozen peo-plc interviewed for this story, onlya handful would agree to be iden-tified for fear of reprisals. "Youdon't understand," said one ex-em-ployee. "I have to work in thisbusiness, and these guys are themost powerful shorts. They have somany connections, they could pre-vent me from getting a job if theywere pissed off at me. Besides, I'veheard lots of bad stories about whathappens to people who mess withScientologists."

Ah, yes, messing with the Scien-tologists.

Take a walk through the Fesh-bachs' Palo Alto office and it's thefirst thing that hits you as you look

out over the analysts' cubicles andcomputer screens of -

the trading floor: all ..

those Cr'tPY blown-

LIP photographs ofI lubbard tacked

1_

_r$!

over various employees' desks, pro-ducing a kind of eerie, shrinelikeeffect unusual even by Californiastandards. Look closer and you'll no-t ICC the commemorative plaquesfrom the Church thanking the Fesh-bachs for their dedicated work onbehalf of Scientology, and theshelves crammed with the expen-sively bound ten-volume sets ofHubbard's office-management phi-losophy.

The thing that gets most people,though, is the E-Meters lyingaround the place. Sitting threeabreast in individual Lucite cases inMatt's office, for example, theirbronze veneers glinting malevolent-ly, these odd, oval-shaped metal ob-jects bristle with serious-lookingbuttons, knobs and dials. If you'venever seen an E-Meter, and mostnormal people haven't, you mightthink it was some wacky electronicgadget a mad scientist had inventedto answer the questions of the uni-verse. Which, ofcourse, it is.

"Do you want to try one out?,"Joe Feshbach asks eagerly. "Theyreally work. " As Matt looks on in-

tently, Joe picks up the nearestE-Meter and prepares, as Sci-

entology describes the proce-dure. to "measure the men-tal state or change of stateof Horno sapiens." On

this particular morning,however, the visitingI lomo sapiens is sparedthe process by the discov-cry that the E-Meter hasnot been recharged recent-ly and so is temporarilyout of ordcr. Even God's

_Wall Street andfeflow

shbachs. So do their employees.tools, it seems, need batteries.

Scientology was founded around1950 by Hubbard, who died in1986, to "clear" followers of badmemories and unhappiness. TheChurch has been convicted of bug-ging and burglarizing governmentagencies and harassing formermembers, and it has been accusedof everything from financial scamsto driving a member to suicide.

Besides using the E-Meter, mcm-bers are required to steep them-selves in the reams of incomprehen-sible Church literature written byHubbard. A sample insight takenfrom Hubbard's best-selling hand-book, Dianetics: "Excreta are amongthe easiest things to regulate bysuggestion. Constipation can becaused or cured by positive sugges-tion with remarkable speed and fa-cility. The urine can also be so con-trolled. And so can the endocrine si's-

tern." Hubbard's "management phi-

losophy" is equally profound.Here's some advice on how to han-die an office crisis: "Where a 1)an-get Condition is assigned to a ju-nior, request that he or she or theentire activity write up his or heroverts (contra-survival actions) andwithholds (undisclosed contra-sur-vival actions). . .and turn them in ata certain stated time on a basis thatthe penalty for them will be less-ened but ifdiscovered later after thedeadline it will be doubled. " AndHubbard on the key to financialsuccess: "Discover what caused thecondition of Affluence and strength-en it." Indeed, everything Hubbardwrote or said is either totally mean-

ingiess or completely, ludicrouslyobviousbut then, maybe that ex-plains why such celebrities as SonnyBono, Kirstie Alley, John Travoltaand Tom Cruise have joined theChurch over the years.

The Feshbachs can't get enoughof this stuff. "Hubbard was, like,amazing," says Joe fervently. " Have

you read Dianetics? It is the owner'smanual of the human mind [this is

the advertising slogan for thebook). For us Scientology is great,because it helps us to remain ana-lytical when others tend to panic."

But it's not enough that theylove itthey want everyone else tolove it, too. Stockbrokers who dobusiness with the brothers, for ex-ampie, frequently receive solid-tations from them to make do-nations to the Church or to takeScientology courses. "I don't giveanything," says one broker. "But Ipresume if they're giving you a lotof commissions, you do cough up.It's not any different, really, fromgetting hit up by business contactsfor the opera or your college orsomething.'

It may be a little different fromthe opera. Former employees claimthe brothers engage in a relentlesscampaign within the Feshbachoffices to persuade workers to jointhe Church. "I believe that if you'reflot a Scientologist, you don't havea aiture at that firm," says one for-mer employee. Adds another,William Ruby, "It's nothing but arecruiting ground for Scientology.You couldn't help but feel pres-sured to join the Church there.There is a lot of pressure from thebrothers and the other Scientolo-gists to take courses in it."

Indeed, it does seem to requiregreat strength to resist joining therest of the office crowd in Scientolo-gy, since the place operates as akind of Church outpost. About halfthe staff consists of practicingChurch members. Soon after arriv-ing at the firm, new employees at-tend mandatory Scientology semi-nars called "hatting college" (bat

being Scientology-speak for job orresponsibility) to receive instruc-tions on carrying out their dailyduties and " to groove everyone in to

the same management," Joe says.Interoffice memos are regularly

written in the strange language ofScientology, as in this note that re-cently circulated through the office

and that seems to describe the needfor more efficiency: "One of thebiggest hidden expenses aroundhere can 1)e Dey-T. Handlingdespatches more than once, mis-routing, not CSWing, not solvingyour own problems, verbal commu-nidations etc. eat up a lot of time,effort. Please stamp out Dey-T inyour areas."

Although Joe publicly mini-mizes tIRS role Scientology playswhen the brothers research aprospective short stock, claiming itis merely a final factor consideredOflCC all the requisite analysis hasbeen done, ex-employees say its asignificant force in the Feshbachs'investment thinking.

One such source points to thecase of ZZZZ Best, the Los Angeles

carpet-cleaning company firstshorted by the Feshbachs in 1987,as one instance when the Feshbachsapplied Scientologywith spectac-ular results. After their initial re-search showed the company hadquestionable real business pros-pects, the brothers began shortingthe stock at $6. They subsequentlydiscovered that one of ZZZZ Best'ssenior officers had been involved inpetty fraud and stayed with thecompany. As Joe Feshbach told spy,

a basic tenet of Scientology holdsthat criminal minds stay together;another holds that a criminal mindwill denounce whoever seeks to ex-pose it (ZZZZ Best had publiclydenounced short sellers). Thesewere two reasons Joe himself gavespy for the brothers' decision tohang in with their gamble evenwhile the company's stock waszooming as high as $10. (Anothertenet of Scientology is that thecriminal mind will destroy itself.When asked if this played any partin the Feshbachs' decision, Joereplied dismissively, "Not at all.")Ultimately, ZZZZ Best chairmanBarry Minkow was convicted ofembezzling millions from the corn-pany, and the Feshbach brothers

SEPTEMBER 19')1 SPY r

i__ : -ToIose S33OrniIIion in sixmonths is..a problemmade about $7 million from theirinvestment by the time the compa-ny finally went bankrupt in 1987.

But applying Scienmiogy to themarket has backfired on the broth-ers, too. Another former employeeclaims that when the Feshbachsoriginally shorted L.A. Gear, theCalifornia sneaker-maker, in 1987,their logic was based at least in parton the rumor that certain execu-tives in the company were drugusers. Since Scientologists considerdrug-taking one of lif&s great evils,the Feshbachs were said to be con-vinced the company would falter.(Joe Feshbach downplayed thisreasoning to SPY. "That was a pointof interest,' he said. "That was notwhy we were shorting it. ") Thestock, however, suddenly leapt up-ward, and the Feshbachs took atleast an 80 percent loss on their $8-million investment. They recentlyreturned to shorting L.A. Gear;given the company's July announce-ment of a second-cuarter loss, theymay be setting themselves up toovercome their earlier setback.

¿VERYINVESTOR MAKES MIS-

takes, and the L.A. Geardebacle doesnt matter

much when you consider that in1989, Southgate Partners gained 19percent. Unfortunately, in 1991 thefailures have multiplied, and South-gate, which ended last year with$850 million under management,was down 39 percent in the firsthalf of this year. To lose $330 mil-lion, or two-fifths ofyour capital, insix months is. . .a problem. All theshorts suffered in the postGulfWar stock-market rally, but theFeshbachs have taken a much worsebeating than most.

After almost a decade of tough-ing out the vagaries of the marketwith the other feared and loathedWall Street shorts, the Feshbachslast year found themselves sitting ontop of more money than theydprobably ever dreamed of manag-

58SPYSEPTEMBER 1991

ing. But having that much moneymeant they were forced to move be-yond their specialty of uncovering"fraud stocks" and into the morerisky territory of shorting Fortune

500 companies. As one competingshort seller explains it, "Shortingthese companies requires a purertype of analysis than what the Fesh-bachs are used to. Bigger, oldercompanies are in many ways harderto short, since they are usually realcompanies with established recordsand businessesthe research is moreanalytical and less oriented towardprivate-detective-type work.'

The competitor may have apoint. In the last year alone theFeshhachs have taken multimillion-dollar losses shorting such large cap-italized companies as Wells FargoBank, News Corporation and Gold-en Valley Microwave Foods. In eachcase a sudden event proved their betwrong: superinvestor Warren Buí-fett disclosed a 9.8 percent stake inWells Fargo, News Corporation'sRupert Murdoch sold offmost of hismagazine group to Kohlberg KravisRoberts, and Golden Valley mergedwith ConAgra.

Accordingly, times have beentough around the Feshbachs' offices.Several investors apparently pulledtheir money from the partnership atthe end the second quarter. Thebrothers discontinued the cateringservice, whose costs had run as highas $16,000 a month, that had pro-vided free meals to the office staff.In February a memo circulated inPalo Alto decreeing that Perrierwater was thenceforth reserved forthe general partners only; the restof the staff was to ride out the cost-cutting with mere Calistoga water.The jet was put up for sale. Then,last summer, 14 employees werelaid off. In a particularly unpleasantepisode, two of those who were letgo were hauled into Joe's office andfired in front ofeach other. Still, theFeshbachs have feelings: beforeleaving the firm, each fired worker

was invited to take home a box ofchocolates made by a Feshbach-owned chain of chocolatiers. Ex-plains Joe, "We were just trying tobe nice. " Perhaps most worrisome,in May the Feshbachs told investorsthey were withdrawing $7 millionof their own money from the part-nership, reportedly to pay incometaxnot the sort ofact that inspiresconfidence in your partners.

Rather than weaken the Fesh-bachs' devotion to Scientology,however, the recent troubles havereinforced it. As Joe says, "We havefaced a considerable variety of po-tential points of pressure. . . . Scien-tology has helped us keep an ana-lytical perspective on the wholething.

" They still spend a lot oftime in their Clearwater office,which they opened in 1987 to beclose to the Scientology yacht. Youcan even catch Matt, reportedly themost zealous Scientologist of thethree, currently posing on the in-side cover of the paperback Dianet-

ic_c. Sporting a snappy bow tie andclaiming that Scientology helpshim stay calm, Matt appears at thebottom of a list of Church zealotsthat includes Judy Norton-Taylor,the actress who played Mary Ellenon the television series The Wa/toni,

and has-been jazz musician ChickCorea. The caption under Matt'spicture reads, "Clear since 1975."

Wall Street has become an ad-mirably tolerant place. No onemuch cares anymore who you are orwhat you believe in as long as youmake money. But when things gobadly, your strange notions and be-havior loom larger. Wall Street iswatching the Feshbachs, and whatthe brothers perceive as their great-est strength may indeed turn onthem. 'I think their Scientology willbe an issue for them if their resultsdon't pick up," says one New Yorkshort seller. "It's okay to be eccentricand successful. It's not okay to be cc-centric and unsuccessful. Investorsdon't like to look like fools.")

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4

Salesperson,

Town Again

Ta k

Dozen

To the reader: It is frankly terrifying to consider that if he hod not been required to pass the cement-mason exam, Henry AI-ford would be repairing cornices. Underqualified readers of this magazine pose a similar danger to the public safety, and sowe have devised the i 991 SPY Aptitude Test. Each section of this story is followed by a question. Mark all of your answers onthe separate answer card and mail it to us by September 1 4, 1 991 . We will send you your results. Work rapidly withoul

sacrificing accuracy. Guessing will not improve your score. If you cannot answer a question, maybe you should be readingRolling Stone. Please begin reading now.

IN EARLIER, SIMPLER TIMES, YOU MATURED INTO A TRUSTED ARTISAN THROUGH A NATURAL PROCESS. You DID

not need to worry about becoming "certified" and filling in computer-readable answer bubbles with a No. 2pencil and responding "true" or "false" on a psychological test to the statement "I like tall women' No, a black-smith was a blacksmith because he was a blacksmith; chandlers chandled and wheelwrighrs wrought wheels. In

today's superrationalized, postindustria! world, however, you may be obliged to pass a test in order to cua!ifyfor almost any money-making pursuit. There is a Certified Picture Framers examination. There is an AmericanCouncil on Exercise aerobics-instructor test. Bobby Zarem takes up the story at this point.

"It's a sad commentary that I can get through Andover and Yale and not pass the press-agent test:' said theNew York public-relations demigod earlier this year when he failed the Association ofTheatrical Press Agentsand Managers' three-hour written and oral test. Zarem's 26 years of representing such clients as Caddyshack Il

and Jackie Collins were as nothing before the hard, cold fact of his poor performance on a standardized test.An ATPAM spokesperson commented, "It's the equivalent of failing the bar exam'

In an attempt to identify exactly what employers and professional organizations are looking for in their em-ployees and members, I took 31 tests

j4this winter and spring. I took official

()() SPY SEI'iEMBITR 19<)I

md Fail the Tests for CIA Agent, Floral Designer, Cement Mason,

Morebut Qualify for a Career as a Psychic

or practice tests for bartenders, floral designers, travel agents and postal-machine mechanics; tests for addictionspecialists, geologists, foreign-service officers and ÇIA agents. (I did not take the exam for state troopers, however,

having been offended by sorne of the questions in a preparation guide for that test: "When driving a full-sizedcar, are you tall enough to see over the steering wheel?"; "When standing next to a full-sized car, can you easilysee over the top?" The writers of the test seemed to suspect that I was a dwarf.) My performance on al! the tests

was very disappointing. I expected them to challenge me, hut I was perhaps inadequately prepared for their rigor,and indeed, I experienced renewed admiration for those who actually become bartenders and CIA agents. Thereis not yet a test for freelance writers, of course. It occurs to me that perhaps this is just as well.

:1. The main purpose of this passage is to(A) explain that the author is not a dwarf

(B) give Caddyshack II some publicity

(C) give a history of the Industrial Revolution(D) explain that Jackie Collins is not o dwarf

Dogs in Thisso ou WANT TO BE

The painter of theatrical scenery Who ¡S

interested in gaining admittance intoLocal 829, the United Scenic Artists,fits into one of two categories. Track Ais for scenic artists with two or moreyears of professional experience; TrackB is for people with "more traditionaldesign and/or painting skills:' Decidingthat my own painting history had beenmore traditional, I applied for the latter.For Track B admission into the union,one must simply pay $150, successfullycomplete a Home Project and pass astudio painting test.

The Home Project involved paintingtwo reproductions - one ola door drapedwith striped material, the other a stilllife ofa copper jug and fruit. I will notpretend that these selections were notdisappointing to mc. I had been hopingfor something like a backdrop for The

Pajama Garne.

On the Saturday of the eight-hourstudio test I arrived at the basement ofthe Capital Cities/ABC building at WestEnd Avenue and 66th Street. At 8:30a.m. I stacked my rolled-up paintingson top ofthe other candidates' work in

A SCENIC ARTISTthe entryway. Inside the studio the test'sorganizers had marked out some 45roughly five-by-five-foot painting areason long rolls of muslin that were stapledto the floor. I picked a SPOt and unloadedmy supplies. The other candidates,most ofwhom were in their twenties orthirties, were hunched over their areasof canvas, applying grids. Just before9:00 we gathered round, and one of theunion members gave us a short speechin which she welcomed us to the TrackB exam and told us to "relax and enjoy"ourselves but explained that if wedidn't stop painting at 5:00, one ofthe test's organizers would take thepaintbrushes from OUf hands. Variouscolors ofpaint in three palettesMuralolatex, Iddings casein and Rosco SuperSaturated acrylicwere set out for usin 50 plastic buckets at the far end ofthe studio.

When we returned to the work area,each of us had a sealed manila envelopelying on his canvas. Opening the enveloperevealed a lovely watercolor ofa goldfish.After I had gridded my muslin, I walkedover to the paint area and filled nine

The PeoplesMultiple-ChoiceA w a r d s

The Best ol the Food-Service-Supervisor

Test, the Travel-Agent Exam and More!

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Although few vocationaltests are as curious asthe Minnesota

Multiphasic PersonalityInventorythat test,used in the past by

nuclear-power plants,among other employers,requires applicants torespond "true," "false"or "cannot say" tostatements such as"Peculiar odors come tome at times"all theseexams have their own

particular logic and -.-+

SEPTEMBER 399! SPY 61

Scene ii: An aquarIum.

The painting testraised the naggingquestion "What playcalls for a goldfish?"

(;_, sv SEPTEMBER 1991

small plastic containers with different of last year's.colors of Muralo. As I was carrying "I'm crazy about this guy's work:'some of these back to my work area a I whispered, pointing to the Russian onmale candidate in and a gray my left.work shirt came up beside me. His self- "Yes, it's nice he offered.confidence was nervous-making. " Very Track A' I said. "My work

"I see you're using the Muralo' he said. feels . . flat to me. It - it doesn't quite"Yes:' i said, slightly defensively. come up off the canvas'"How come?" "Yes' he said warily. "You lost someI had chosen Muralo because there of the water effects you had going. If

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had been fewer people in line ir it.But I did not want to reveal my motiveto this man.

"I, uh . . . I like a paint with a littlespankfactor in it:' I said. This confusedthe man, and he went away.

As I Painted I found it difficult tocapture the gauzy effects of watercolor.The man to my left, a Russian, wasgetting wonderful results with manythin washes ofcolor. I emulated hisstyle with some success.

At 1:10, although no one else seemedto be eating, I ate the lunch the union'sguidelines had suggested I bring. I chosenot to conclude my meal with any ofthe Pecan Sandiesthe union local hadprovided, loath as I am to eat anythingserved by someone who has just openedand stirred several hundred gallons ofpaint. At about 4:10 I decided to chatup OflC ofthe organizers. He told methat the work of this year's group ofcandidates was much better than that

it'd been me, I would've avoided everythingbut the Super Saturates'

"How come?:' i asked."The undercolor doesn't work up

on you'I nodded in agreement.At the end of the exam I spoke to a

smiley organizer."Do you like mine?:' I asked."Yes, you did a nice job:' she said."Everyone else's is much better than

mine'"No, you dici fine'"I have problems with undercolors'

I confided. "I have an undercolorproblem:'

"Well, if you fail the test, you canalways take it again' she said.

"You, uh, do you think I'll fail?""I can't tell you that:' she said warmly.Three days later I received a form

letter telling me that I had failed. Therewas no mention made of an undercolorproblem.

2. It can be inferred from this passage that Russians(A) ore not familiar with The Pajama Game (C) make the author happy

Ldo not have problems with undercolors (D) make the author hungry

so ou WANT TOIn addition to a two-hour-long writtentest that includes questions onbacteriologç trichology and histologçaspiring cosmetologists in New YorkState must pass a three-hour-longpractical exam. Hying myself to thebusy, dark premises of the WilfredBeauty Academy at Broadway and 51stStreet, an institution redolent of singedhair and perfumy fluorocarbons, I tookthe first four parts of a mock version ofthe exam.

About 30 students in white lab coatswere taking the test. The inStructor,Ms. Valentine, was a reaI middle-agedHispanic woman with luxuriant blondhair the empress dowager of WellaBalsam. She barked out the commandto begin the first part of the exam -"Comb-out!"and urged us to beassiduous about "relaxing the set'Upon seeing that other students were"eflilating" (teasing) their mannequinheads' hair with combs, I followed suit;but upon snagging and almost breakingone of the comb's teeth in the resultingtangle, I began again with a brush.When a bell sounded after 25 minutes,I had fashioned a sort ofchurning massof blondness - Gunther Gebel-Williamsafter straying too close to an air duct.

For the hair-shaping portion of theexam, I was given a water sprayer, plasticclips, shears and a female mannequinhead with long, straight brown hair.Handing me an illustration of a head ofhair sectioned into four quadrants andone encircling fringe, Ms. Valentineexplained that I would have 30 minutesto "section, remove excess bulk andblend' This was a tall order. Ms. Valentineslunk down the aisle four times, eachtime yelling a new command: "Razor!"

"Blunt cutting!" "Effilating!" "Thinningshears!"

In the 20 minutes given for thepermanent-waving segment of the exam,I resectioned the hair and then, usingwee, slippery pieces of tissue paper, putabout one-third of it up in curlers. Atthe conclusion of the segment, Ms.

BE A COSMETOLOGISTValentine announced that we wouldbreak for lunch. Four girls swarmedaround the wig dryer beside me. Thewig dryer was a wooden cabinet thatmaintained a constant temperatureof several hundred degrees. The girlsopened it Uj) and pulled out Tupperwarecontainers full of the chop suey andrice-and-beans that would serve astheir lunch.

After lunch we finger-waved. Accordingto Ms. Valentine, finger-wavingtheprocess by which one molds hair intoeven, 1930s-style ridgesis the mostdifficult part ofthe exam: "Sometimesstudents just break down crying during¡e:' She gave me a plastic bottle offinger-waving lotion - a sticky, viscoussubstance evocative of whipped spit.I labored diligently during this 20-minute portion of the exam; althoughI vas unable to create the plates andridges of hair with which the otherstudents were transforming their headsinto what looked like well-lubricatedarmadillos, I was able to create a mottled,wavy look that had its own eerie beauty.

At the conclusion of testing, I askedto see my exam score sheet. Ms. Valentinesmiled bleakly and somewhat maternally.I had scored a 30 out ofa possible 50on the comb-out; next to the score waswritten "Too fluffy" and "Removed bybrushing' Next to my 30 out of apossible 50 on the hair shaping, Ms.Valentine had written "Poor' She hadnot even bothered to score the permanent.waving or finger-waving sections. Sheexplained that a passing grade on eachsection was 35.

"So Im not ready for my own salon:'I said.

"The comb-out and hair shapingwere the only parts that were close topassing. Ifyou did the comb-out partagain, I think you would get it'

"Yes, I felt good about that part:'I said. UBut will someone hire me ifI can only do comb-outs?"

"Don't worryyou will not be hired

3. According to this passage, which of thefollowing is NOT part of hair shaping:

(A) blunt cutting (C) crisping

(B) effilating (D) removing excess bulk

charm. The followingquestions were culledfrom actual exams,official sample examsand published

preparation guides. Theyare odorless.

BRIDGE- AND- TUNNEL

OFFICER

Assume that, while anOfficer is collecting a tollfrom a motorist, theOfficer sees a child tiedup in the rear of the car.Of the following, thebest thing for the Officerto do is to(A) ignore what has beenseen and continue

collecting tolls(B) try to delay the carand signal for assistance(C) reach into the carand untie the child(D) tell the driver that hecannot use the bridgeunless he unties the child

TELEPHONE MAINTAINER

Spitting is prohibited insubway cars mainly to

(A) encourage politeness(B) prevent spread ofdisease

(C) reduce the cost ofcleaning cars

(D) prevent slipping

COURT OFFICER

The expression "caveatemptor" means most

nearly(A) beware of the dog(B) let the buyer beware(C) let the seller beware(D) beware of cave-ins

FBI SPECIAL AGENT

You are a Special Agentassigned to work as an

undercover agent againstthe Cuban intelligenceservice. In the case, youwill be used as a dangle,

someone deliberatelydrawing attention of thehostile intelligenceservice. What is the -

SEPTEMBER 1991 5PY(,3

Justa Trim! Cliffordputs the qrrrr ingrooming. Actually,those mats arekind of attractive.

so you WANT TO BE AOn a lovely, balmy day early this spring,I went to Macy's and filled out a jobapplication. I claimed to have been asalesperson for four years at someplacecalled The Brookfield Shop in WestBrookfield, Massachusetts. Theapplication asked, "What businesses,jobs, or professions dø you know aboutfrom having a close friend or relativewho worked in them?" Anticipatingwhat kind of answer would endear metO the personnel people, I instantlythought of my sister and wrote, "Nurse'ncn, when asked to elaborate UOfl

what the best features of that job were,i simply jotted down, 'Helping peopleget bettcr'; when asked what the worstfeatures were, I wrote, "Watching peopledie." lr response to "What are somethings you didn't like about jobs you'vehad?" I made obsequious commentsabout "too much downtime" and thelike.

The personable young woman whotook ¡ny application asked if I had timeto fill out another form. I readilyobliged her.

The second form was a booklet with40 multiple-choice, yes/no and true/falsequestions about my personality andbehavior. I was often unsure how torespond. I answered in the afrmative

MACY'S SALESPERSONto "Do you shop here often?" and "As achild I was always the one who tried tokeep the class quiet when the teacherleft the room:' However, when asked, "Ifthere is no one else around to noticewhat you are doing, do you always pickup the paper and trash others leavearound?' I answered no, fearful that Imight seem irksome or fascistic.

When I handed in my booklet andanswer sheet, the woman who tookthem from me thanked me and saidthat someone would call soon. But I didnot receive a phone call. Two monthslater I called the personnel departmentand was told that applications are goodfor only 30 days and that I shouldreapply. "We'll be needing more peoplefor Mother's Day,' a woman told me,

Upon returning I filled out a secondapplication in much the same way asI had before. The chief difference wasthat when asked again about jobs I wasfamiliar with, I thought of my other

sister and wrote, "Primate CenterManager' When asked what the bestfeatures of the job were, I wrote,"Overseeing staff, organizing events";when asked what the worst featureswere, I wrote, "Seeing chimps die:'

I was not asked to take a personalitytest. I did not receive a phone call.

4. According to the author, a lesson to be learned from history is that(A) persistent and direct confrontation is (C) it is as impossible to change

usually necessary to bring about individuals as it is to change

significant social change society(B) any efforts to implement reforms in order (D) nobody is impressed by The

to benefit society are doomed to failure Brookfield Shop

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I, SPY IPTEMBER I9')I

SO YOU WANT TO BEA DOG GROOMER

How was I going to explain calmly toa friend's cocker spaniel that I wastaking him to the Holiday Inn at Newarkairport in order to groom him for theNational Dog Groomers Association ofAmerica's certification test?

There was no way. Unfortunately, thepaunchy, five-year-old Clifford isparticularly irritable - he is the dogequivalent of Broderick Crawford in anill-fitting suitso I had special reasonto worry about his cooperation duringthe exam. In one respect, however,Clifford was the natural choice: he had

at least thc cight weeks' hair growth thatthe test required.

ClifFord stayed with me the nightbefore the test. He spent most ofhis visitbarking at my refrigerator. At 5:45 a.m.we awoke and drove to the Holiday InnJetport, where I told the two judges thatI was the owner of a dog salon in theWest Village called Ruff Trade. The testwas being conducted in the Frank BormanRoomchairs had been stacked on theside and large sheets of plastic taped tothe carpetingbut I nervously guidedClifford into the adjacent Chuck YeagerRoom for some last-minute tweaking.

Several minutes later I took Cliffordinto the testing room, easing him ontothe grooming table just as the youngerjudge began circling the room with a

clipboard to inspect each ofthe nineprospective groomers' dogs. After puttingher nose up to Clifford's side and inhaling,she palpated his ears. Clifford grumbledominously. "Your dog has mats' she said.It was true. I had neglected to combthem out the evening before. "That'spart of my grooming process' Iexplained to the woman. She made anote on her clipboard.

Seconds later she announced thecommencement ofgroorninz. The room

'hirred to life with the buzzing ofelectric clippers. I took my clippersand, running them along Clifford's sideand back, discovered that this activitywas not entirely pleasurable to him.He growled loudly. The National DogGroomers Association of America'sBreed Profile for the cocker spanieladvises that one closely trim "the foldsin the lower jaw area (flews), where thehair is apt to hold saliva"; I considereddoing so, but decided that I was noteager to see Clifford's reaction to myapplying electricity to his saliva. Then,for reasons unclear to me even now,I decided it was time to work on Clifford'smats. Picking up my comb, I lifted hisleft ear. But as I touched the comb tothe hair behind his ear, Clifford snarledand lifted his upper left lip, revealinga glistening incisor.

His behavior was distressing. Thereseemed to belittle that Clifford was goingto allow me to do to him, but surelyI would fail the test ifmy dog experiencedno change in his appearance. Fortunately,I had had the presence of mind to bring

along a few extra supplies: clampingClifford's mouth shut with one

handS

I pulled a lipstick from my bag withthe other and proceeded to smear mysnarly friend's snout with Clinique'sCitrus Pink. When I saw that anothercocker spaniel's ears were being clippedso unattractively "clean and close" that Icould see the veins underneath, Iapplied a generous daub of alcohol-freeDep styling gel to Clifford's left ear andthen curled several of the long tufts ofhair on his ear up into a curler. Whilewaiting for this to set, I applied twoliberal coats of Hai Karate cologne tohis back and midsection.

My methods were wholly uninterestingto the judges and other groomers, fourof whom were having a passionatediscussion about bringing one's childrenalong on the dog- and cat-show circuits.

"That's the only thing about cat cages,said one woman. "You can't fit a kidin there'

"Bet me' another countered. "Bet mMy friend Donna has a Siamese andshe tours constantly, and I've seen herput her kid in one. Easy'

At the conclusion of the hour-and-a-half exam period, the younger of thetwo judges picked up her clipboard andmade her way over to Clifford and me.Silently she ran my comb throughClifford's hair. She lifted his right ear.She lifted his left ear.

"You hardly cut any of his hair'she said.

"I know:' i responded. "This is whatI call a Lite Groom'

She looked at me suspiciously. Thenshe went back to the older judge andwhispered in her ear. The older judgewas a muscular, compact womanwho seemed to be perpetually on theboil. After raking my comb throughClifford's right hindquarter, she saidin a forceful tone, 'This is totallyunacceptable"

She continued to look him over,wincing as she fully beheld the lipstick.

'1, uh . . . I was trying to capture a senseofthe unexpected' I offered.

"No, I'm sorry, this dog is notacceptable. You should familiarizeyourself with our Breed Profiles:' Shelooked again at the Citrus Pink.

"It's lipstick:' I said. "It's my groomingsignature. I like a dog with a face'

most important part ofyour assignment?(A) To be a good actor sothat the Cubans willreally believe that youare Cuban

(B) To study Spanishthree weeks prior to your

placement to perfectyour accent(C) To immediately offermoney to a Cubanintelligence officer sincehe will sense you are nota Cuban

SANITATION WORKER

You are flushing thestreet with a hose.

Accidentally, you spray afew drops of [treatedriver waten on a passingpedestrian, who glares atyou. Of the following,the best procedure is totell the pedestrian(A) to look where he is

going(B) that it was not yourfault(C) that you are sorry(D) that he has nobusiness crossing in themiddle of the street(E) to keep his dirtylooks to himself

CIA AGENT

How do you feel about

being a potential targetof terrorist andoropposing intelligencesources?

Explain, in 50 words orless, what role you feelthe U.S. should play inthe world.

Essay: There is an

important piece ofinformation in a desk onthe fourth floor of alocked building afterhours. What do you do?You have 30 seconds to

put down everything youcan think of.

SEPTEMBER 1991 SPY 65

I received a zero Ofl the test. Theofficial critique of my work includedthe comment "Dog smells doggy'I declined to point out that this wasunlikely since the dog was wearing

men's cologne. Both the critique and theolder judge encouraged me to reviewthe Association's Breed Profiles and toattend more dog shows.

We drove home in silence.

5. Which of the following statements concerning Clifford is/aresupported by this passage:I. He is the dog equivalent of Richard Widmork in an ill-fitting suit.

Il. Citrus Pink is his "high" color.Ill. He is Donna's child.

(A) I only (B) Il only (C) Ill only(D) I and Il only (E) Il and Ill only

so ou WANT TOOne Saturday I waited outside SewardPark High School, on Grand Street, totake the written civil-service test forcement masons. The man standing

ç)\Mason Diction:

"You gotta either knowsomebody or knowsomebody who knowssomebody. It's all mob.Completely mob-run.Hey, what's the propertucking tool to preventhoneycombing?"

in front of me in line wore a shirt thatsaid KISS A BRICK; he had much to sayabout the storage of po'er tools.

The test consisted of 80 questions.I did not know what screeding was.When asked "Which two ofthese tools

BE A CEMENT MASONhave the most similar purposes: (a)strike off rod and bull float; (b) edgerand jitterbug; (c) bull float and darby;(d) groover and darby, I reflected that

the tools all sounded like popular dancesteps of the thirties and forties; however,my subsequent search for mentions ofthe Trunky Doo was completely in vain.

Since taking this test, I have spentmore time thinking about sidewalks.

6. Select the lettered pair that BEST expresses a relationshipsimilar to that expressed in the original pair.

DARBY:BULL FLOAT

(A) shillelagh:cudgel(B) gorget:brassard

SO YOU WANTWhen a friend called from Miami totell me that he had read about anorganization that certifies psychics,something about his calm and assured

(6 SPY SEI'TEMIER 1991

(C) turnstone:corncrake(D) broderick:crawford

TO BE A PSYCHICtone made me think my vocationalship had finally come in. I called theFlorida phone number he had left onmy machine and spoke to an employee

ofthe Universal Centre in Cassadaga. \ r' 'J

A seminar center with an extensive i'Centre has at least three psychic readersmetaphysical bookstore, the Universal -

5:00 p.m. every day on the premises orwho are available from 10:00 a.m. to

%4\from 10:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. over thephone (MasterCard, Visa and AmericanExpress accepted).

I told Dr. E. M. Sekunna, the founder,that I was a psychic who had been givingreadings for seven years and that I wasinterested in obtaining certification. Heexplained to me that people who wishto become readers at the Centre mustgive an accurate reading for either himor one of the other Centre members;upon successful completion of this, thecandidates "work with" and train underDr. Sekunna for a period ofmontlis oreven years.

I asked Dr. Sekunna if I could givehim a reading over the phone.

"Sure' he said.I paused dramatically."I'm sensing that something happened

with an older woman you know withinthe first two months of this year. I'm hot

sure ifitwas a positiveor negative thing,but the nature of your relationshipchanged as a result of this event ......

Dr. Sekunna said nothing."Orange," I said. "It's a - it's a color that

has become important to you. lt wasnot until very recently. . . .

"That's true. You'll find that a lot ofEastern mystics and yogis use the colororange in their spiritual work. If I weregoing to wear a robe, it would be orange'

"I'm seeing a little man with a beardwho is living not in the hollow of a tree,but very close. He's very in touch withthe woods. He is a sort of modernleprechaun. He has bells on his shoes'

"I'll try to explain that one to you'Dr. Sekunna said, and he proceeded totell me about a Centre member who hadmoved from Miami to the more ruralCassadaga area. 'You look at this guyand you want to call him a leprechaun.He's got an impish type of personality'

I was warming to this endeavor."I'm sensing. . . I'm sensing cheese' I

intoned. "I'm not sure if it's a Roquefort

or something from the Pyrenees - butit's some kind blue cheese'

"Well, I enjoy all kinds of cheese:' hcexplained. "It's what I think I shouldn'teat so much oC'

"I'm also sensing that the undersideof tables is perhaps something thatfascinates you'

"The underside of tables?""Yes, the underside of things,' I

continued calmly. "From a dogperspective.'

This seemed to give him pause. Butthen, finally: "Yes, I'm an investigator inlife. I like to see what's on the bottom aswell as what's on the top'

When I had finished my reading, Dr.Sekunna told me that I was "very highly

Twelve days later Dr. Sekunna calledback. Saying he had been looking overmy chart, he tried to encourage meto go to Florida and take five hours ofpalmistry lessons with him for $100. Ifthose went well, I could then continuetraining for "a month or two'

"The more I've been thinking aboutyou, the more I realize you're a touchperson' he said. "Ifwe work on thatsensitivity that you already have, andthen add palmistry skills, we have theability to have you make four or fivehundred dollars a week:'

Having asked me if I am "locked intoNew York' he then explained that hehoped to open another Centre soon.

"This is exciting' I said. "And wouldOU see me at this new Centre, or do

you think maybe there would be a spotopening up at the current Centre?"

"I'll have a slot for you one way or theother'

Call me psychic. )

7. Anwer true or false:"I would soy that I orn a sort of modern leprechaun."

What do you think theCIA does?

HOSPITAL ITTENDANT

A douche is not used to(A) cleanse

(B) reduce congestion(C) arrest hemorrhages(D) increase nervoustension

FOOD-SERVICE

SUPERVISOR

The best definition of a"Dressed" fowl is onethat is

(A) killed, bled, andplucked(B) killed, bled, plucked,and singed(C) killed, bled, plucked,singed, and trussed

(D) killed, bled, plucked,singed, trussed, andgovernment inspected

BUILDING CUSTODIAN

In dealing with thepublic, a BuildingCustodian should be

(A) indulgent(B) courteous

(C) disagreeable(D) unavailable

TRAVEL AGENT

What are the Tropics?(A) A hot-blooded tribein New Guinea

(B) Daily travel newsbulletins(C) Belts of the earth oneach side of the equator

FLORAL DESIGNER

The proper technique forselling floral designsinvolves

(A) ignoring customerswhen they are waitingfor service

(B) being assertive,taking no nonsense fromthe customer

(C) treating thecustomer the way youwould want to be treated(D) calling the customer"honey" or "dear"

SEPTEMBER 1991 $pY(,7

Imaginegoing out for a burger and friesI

for coffeeand bumping into Kevin

restaurantand stumbling into a theme

away still more of your leisure dollars

and sitting next to Bruce and Demi! Imagine meeting friends

Costner! Imagine entering what you think is a New York

park created by the guy who did the sets for Batman! Imagine giving

to actor-impresarios Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sly Stallone!

AST wEEK," SAYS BOBBY ZAREM, "I WANTED TO KILl. MYSELE" No, THE EMINENT NEW

York publicist hadn't looked deep inside himself, examined a life spent hypingJackie Mason, Cherand Pee-wee Herman, and concluded that death was preferable to another evening working thetables at Elaine's. Nor had he been pushed to the brink by the umpteenth person to accost him

and say, "Hey, you look just like Larry from the Three Stooges!" he likes that. What had moved Zarem to near-suicide was a photograph in People: "There's a huge picture ofBruce Willis riding an elephant at the circus. He's

wearing a PLANET HOLLYWOOD cap, but it's turned facing the other way, so you can't tell what it is!"

This was a precious chance lost for Zarem and Planet Hollywood, the upcoming $15 million restaurant on

(8 SPY SEPTEMBER 19')I

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West 57th Street, just down the block from the Hard Rock Cafe. As envisioned by its backers, Planet Hollywoodwill be the movie-star hangout in New York, a place where ordinary folk will have the opportunity to minglewith stars such as Willis, Schwarzenegger and Stallone while eating burgers and pasta in a breathtakingly spec-tacular cinematic environment.

What separates this dream from those of most hyperbolic club impresarios is the restaurant's pedigree: thethree actors are actually investors in the place, having agreed to exchange capital and personal appearances fora cut of the profits: Keith Barish, a movie producer of middling success and some upper-middlebrow repute

(Sophiec Choice, Irünweed, Light ofDay). is the instigator of the project and an investor; Anton Furst, the set de-signer best known for his work on Tim Burton's Batman, is in charge of the restaurant's design which is bud-geted at $8 million. (Zarem is also an investor and will get i percent ofthe profits, he says, "because I have someauthorship ofthe concept here') Plans for a half-dozen more Planets worldwidesequels, ifyou willare underway well before a single turkey burger haS hit the griddle (and, for that matter, before the griddle has been in-stalled). According to one Zarem press release, Planet, scheduled to open in September, will be nothing lessthan a "world-wide cultural plenomenon."

SEPTEMBER 1991 SPY6

(:otiIeieritirg the visual splendor and star power will be a 90-seat and Planet is "like an art movie vs.state-of-the-art screening room downstairs, office space for rcnr upstairs, a tal Recall. . . . We have customers in-function room and adjacent VIP room and. most important, a boutique terested in them.relves, and in dinne;

ofultradesirabk Planet Hollywood merchandise. Already Zarern has senr Planet Hollywood, on the othcrlogoed T-shirts, sweatshirts, caps, terry-cloth robes and leather jackets to hand, will he "the knock-down. drop-hundreds ofpublic ligures, from Kim Basinger to Wayne Grerzky to Eddie dead hangout ofall tirne' says ZaremMurphy to Swify Lazar to Sam Shepard to George Bush - the idea being with an absolutely straight face. "Wethat ifenough famous people pUl)JiCly sport their Planet Hollywood togs, vill have the hottest, most beautifulthere vill ensue a mass acquisitive frenzy like the one that motivates peo- models, the chic-est social peopk.plc to spend $10 million a year on Hard Rock merchandise in New York any star in 1-lollywoodas well asCity alone. 'People have started to fucking wear the sweatshirts, all this people from Columbus, Ohio. . . . I

shit, all over the country says Zarein. "Harry Hamlinhis girlfriend, dont mean ro sound like an asshok.Nicolette Sheridan, has a jacket, and I promised him one as soon as J get But it's been in all of our bones forsome more!" The degree to which the public will imitate the stars' sartorial years. When I tell People the ide:1,

choices will play a big role in Plane Hollywood's fortunes. Unlike the people can't fucking-cock-shit-assHard Rock. where the '[shirts and baseball caps began as an afterthought, imagine why nobody's done it beforc'Planer is counting heavily on merchandise sales to recoup its backers' in-vestment. Barish expects Planet to break even in 12 to 18 months. "We look "Welcome to Planet Hollywood' saysat the Hard Rock's numbers, Barish says, "and think we'll surpass them' a cheerful young woman in a skirt

At first blush Planet Hollywood seems suspiciously like a no-bramer much too short for this raw Februarremake of the Hard Rock, of which Zarem used to be publicist, with film day. "Want a hard hat" Althoughreferences substituted for rock 'n roll ones, "I don't mind the comparison the street-level space where Brucewith the Hard Rock' says Barish. "lt's either the third- or second- or fourth- Willis is scheduled to preside OVC[

largest tourist attraction in New York. But it's like saying the Museum of a ground-breaking ceremony andModern Art and the Whitney are the same because they both hang pic- place his feet in wet cement is just atures' (Barish, an art collector, does not indicate which museum his res- few paces from Carnegie Hall, thistaurant will resemble more,) part of West 57th Street looks more

J udging from what actually is supposed to decorate the walls and ceil- like downtown Baghdad. The chills'

AccorIo to ooe of lareffi's press reiease riaAnato;' 2, giant columns shaped like MarilynMonroe's legs, actresses' lipstick imprints, a blimp-shaped room called Holly- space, rented by Barish from devil-wood Heaven filled with clouds and dead film stars' personal effects - oper Harry Macklowe, is a mishmash

HoIIyoot scheOulod to opeo Io SeewOer, will ho

of crumbling pillars, rubble and

Wlit:f:stLiih amongPlanet Hollywood. or the Planet Hollywood that Furst has designed, tiny folding chairs, trying to dis-will resemble the E lard Rock less than it will the Universal Studios tour. pense white-chocolate bonbons andBut don't say this «(o Barish Or FUrSt,

000110V less mao woriwIoe cullural

,curried-duck salad.

oheooevoo'Each member of

Who scrapped plans the press receivesto have a latex shark rising out of a pool, King Kong climbing over a a PLANET HOi.IYWOOD hard haiveranda, an animarronic Bogart greeting customers and a holographic and Furst's sketch of the restaurant,Marilyn-in-the-sky blowing kisses ro the diners below. "We suddenly real- scrolled up in a black PLAN1T HOLLY-

ized we were in severe danger ofbeing a theme park' Furst says, enunciat- WOOD ribbon.¿ng theìiepai-k as ifhe were saying diarrhea. Barish, whose fact-flnding mis- Furst, a low-key Englishman with5fl)flS Oíl behalfof Planet have included trips to the Mirage and Excalibur long, straight hair and a disarminghotels in Las Vegas, agrees. "We're not trying to fool anyone into thinking smile, tells the crowd his design isyOu're in a theme park, he says. "a witty ¿f not affectionate view o1

Of course not. Instead, they're trying to fool people into thinking Hollywood. . . , lt's a mistake to try toSchwarzenegger will actually he, as he told a TV interviewer, "in dee kitchen explain too much. After all, if youcookink vee-nah schnitzel.' Planet hopcs to jam in 200 customers at a time, can explain ir, why build itt" (Barishwith ten seatings a day meaning, Barish admits, that the average cus- later says Furst was paraphrasing thetomer will get only 45 to 50 minutes per visit. The inexpensive menti will painter Francis Bacon,) In Fursisfeature what Zarem describes as 'sexy dishes' but (liners will be more hun- rendering. this gutted space has hc.gry for an opportunity to OCCU a space that may recently have been oc- corne a Blade Runner-meets-Holidaycupied by a famous Person. Though Robert De Niro opened a similar Inn nightclub. One floor is paintedrestaurant-moviemaking complex in TrißeCa last year, De Nirds partner to look like a swimming pooi (a keyin the restaurant, Drew Nieporent, says the difference between his Place image of 1-lollywood, says Furst) anti

-I) SPY s1PiMI4i R I V') I

clotted with palm trees, directors'chairs and table lamps with Oscar.shaped bases. The three famousmotorcycles hang overhead, climb-ing through pearly gates towardthe ceiling"Anton thought it'd becool' explains Barish, "more life-like, to have them going around acorner in motion, rather than againsta vall' A huge movie screen is cutout of a wall made to look like but-ton-back quilting. "It ust evokesthat period [of 1930s musicals]'Barish says. "The whole wall wouldbe covered with it in a glamorousapartment' Another wall features asearchlight-crossed vista of L. A. with

the HOLLYWOOD sign topped bythe word PLANET. Off to the lefthovers the Starship Eiterprise, a per.functory nod to TV "Television isHollywood, too," Barish says, "andI think we have to include it. Youknow, all the studios are heavily in-volved in television, and in manycases it's more profitable for themthan movies. Although that's notmy consideration:'

Today's ground-breaking is beingemceed by the restaurant's opera-tions chief, a compact Brit namedRobert Earl. Earl, who with Barishholds a 70 percent stake in the ven-turc, works for Rank OrganisationPLC, a British entertainment con-glomerate and another Planet investor. He is also CEO of the half ofthe Hard Rock empire originallyowned by Isaac Tigrett, and is re-sponsible for the chain's expan-sion beyond the East Coast to placeslike Reykjavík and Stockholm. (TheHard Rock empire's other half stillbelongs to original co-owner PeterMorton, who is in the process ofopening, brilliantly and appallingly,a Hard Rock Hotel Casino in LasVegas.)

Also present today, but never in-troduced, is Charles Daboub, thearchitect obliged to translate Furststrippy sketches into an actual res-taurant. Daboub's Dallas-based firmhas designed some 200 restaurants,including several Hard Rocks, buthas never worked in New York, has'-ing specialized in high-volume mallrestaurants with names like ElChico. He dismisses any compari-

Sons of Planet with hiHard Rock work, say-ing. "You always endup very similar to an-other operation thatdoes the same type ovolume, the same tpmerchandise - I'm SO

same type of menu'Barish, a youthful n

in his forties, tellsguests, "This is more t]just another restauranieven a huge entertainncomplexit a wOrlditself It's designed and runby movie people, not simply for themselves, but so that eventually millionsolpeople can participatepersona//y in the movie experience:' He later says,"I don't think [ordinary people) have any other real attempt to mingle withmovie people the way they do here. They could go to a studio re-creationofwhat the movies are, but that's an amusement park. Or they can feel un-comfortable going to a movie hangout and maybe getting in or maybe not.Or they can participate in it [here)' Why go to film school when you cansit under Elvis's bike eating nachos while Steve Guttenberg attends a pri-vate screening downstairs?

Bruce Willis finally shuffles in, practically hidden under an overcoatand a pate-obscuring PLANET HOLLYWOOD cap. Willis grabs a shovel andlifts a pile of rubble, posing for the paparazzi. "Take your coat off!" theyplead. Willis smirks at them and, thinking himself funny, replies, "All ofyou right here, take your clothes off!"

During the briefQ&A session, Willis explains that he has invested be-cause "I needed a place to hang out in New York" a sentiment that'smade to order for Barish, Earl and Zarem but probably isn't as frank asSchwarzenegger's statement a few months later at the Cannes Film Fes-tival: "I've always had tremendous interest.. .in things that I think aregonna make a lot of money:' Willis soon troops off, but Zarem employeeLisa Long assures the photographers, "Bruce is gonna do the feet thing:'(The Planet facade will be decorated with the footprints and autographsin cement ofwhat Barish calls "the top 50" stars.) The cement that Willisis supposed to step in, however, has hardened too quickly, and every-body is sent home,

"For Mr. Barish' a Ritz-Canton waitress says, "we will do what needs tobe done!" She hands the producer a blurry Polaroid, just snapped in thekitchen, of a cooked turkey, then serves him the bird in slices. It's twoweeks after theground-breaking, and Barish is in the dining room of theplace where he hangs out when he's in New York.

"This is a special spicy turkey from Mrs. Gooch's, a health-food super-market in L.A.' he explains. 'I told the people here, 'You oughtta get it onthe menu, and they spent $150 to send in a $58 turkey for me. But I wantto go on record - I didn't ask for this'

A few moments later Zarem arrives and immediately starts devouringthe turkey. "1 was looking for a good book to read about Louis XIV' he saysbetween bites. "Hannah Pakula recommended The Sun King:'

"I read it five or six years ago;' replies Barish. "You knos Louis Fischerwrote a book on Gandhi that was Dickie Attenborough's inspiration forthe movie. lt gets a little more depressing when you get to Louis XVI. Ap-parently, Marie Antoinette was a dogshe had false teeth and wasn't thisgreat beauty:'

SEPTEM1ER 1991 SPYI

Restaurant o! 1,000 SlaPsEXCLUSIVE: THE ANNOTATED PLANET HOLLYWOOD FLOOR PLAN

saskedpiib1icist Bobby Zarem to describeprecisely the celebrity-studdedpremiere he

's ! !'' I irnaginesfor Planet Hollywood thisfall: "a gala. invitation-only opening with 500

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': i Ii people there, the most excitIng, interesting, dynanite, colofulpeople in thefields of sports,

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.,T- journalism, nodeling, movies and ,n,aybe politics. " A las, his "goodfriend"Jason Patric

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b - probably won't be among the celebrants, Bobby says, because "with all this Ulula

Furst's rendition of the scaled- Roberts) shit going on, the likelihood ofhis coming is not great." But asfor the other

dow n fac ad e megastars, Zarern knows who will be there, and where and why.

HA TIMORE ORIOLE CA RIPKEN JR. ÍSOPHIA I OREN

'I helped him tie his bow tie "I could see Arnold goingover the phone before he went to ,

over to her and sayinq,the Rainbow Room."

J ti/A MINNELLI Look at this cybor!'"I think she'll come,

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STING AND CARL? SIMON

"These are people we'vebeen in touch with."

JACKIEONASSIS"She's Arnold's aunt. Shecame to my luncheon lin 1977,before she was Arnold's aunt]for Purnpii,g Iron."

The pool bar, with bikinitop and Marilyn leg

: si'v I P-I FMIiI:R f

THE Oi'NFP

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

BRUCE WILLIS

SYLVESTER STALLONE

JOHN HUGHES

CHYNNA AND M?CHEE PHILLIPS

"But there'll be a party here forMichelle a few weeks later, soshe may not want to come."

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Barish's interest in literature goesway back. He entered the moviebusiness in 1979 by spending $5 mil-lion of the fortune he'd made inFloridathrough banking and realestateon the 111m rights to dozensOfE)ookS, most notably $750,000 forWilliam Styron's Sophiet Choice. "I

thought, Better to go down with some-

thing glorious than a lotta pieces ofjunk'he says.

But the first movie Barish actu-ally produced was a horrible botchof Scott Spencer's novel Endless Love,starring Brooke Shields. After mostof his expensive, tony book-adapta-tion projects fell through, Barish be-came pretty much like any otherindependent producer, alternatingbig-bucks Schwarzenegger sci-fi (TheRunning Man) with stillborn assem-

"We will have me hobst most

blages ofname talent (Paulina Poriz-kova and Tom Selleck in Her Alibi,MichaelJ. Fox andJoanJett in LightofDay, Nicolas Cage and Sean Youngin Firebirds).

He got the idea for Planet Holly-wood the way most producers getideas for movies - fromsomebody else. In 1987 5 WOhe was working on HerAlibi when an actor named BryanKestner looked up from readingthe script and said, "Why don't youdo something called the Hollyrock,where you combine Hollywood androck music?" "The more I thoughtabout it, it became really intriguing'Barish says today. "The Hard Rockhad its limitations. . . . If you look atthe covers of major magazines, it'snot Whitney Houston, it's Schwarz-enegger or Willis' From Whitneyvs. MoMA to Whitney Houston vs.Bruce Willis.

So Barish called Zarem, who hadpublicized some of his movies, andpresented his idea for a Cafe Holly-wood. "My jaw fell on the floor'recalls Zarem. "I sat there and staredat him for 15 minutes, because theconcept was so cogent, so obvious,the idea that people from Holly-wood and every other fucking walkoflife would want to hang out there.Not to compare it to the Hard Rock,

but it was that much excitement'Barish found former GM showroom and repair shop at 56th Street

and Broadway, then owned by the Durst family. Even before signing a lease,he racked up more than $850,000 in design and legal fees. But Barish,after all, is a movie producer, accustomed to throwing money at problems."He'd say, Aaah, it's just another painting offthe wall," says one consultant.

"It was an undertaking we would not dream of doing;' says DouglasDurst, "and we were experienced. It was such a wild ideathe money theywere going to have to spend, they'd never amortize their investment. I don'tthink Keith's the most practical person:'

But Barish plowed ahead, even having Zarem spoon-feed this item togossip columnist Suzy in November 1988: "Cafe Hollywood is the nameand who knows, it may run the real Hollywood out ofbusiness. . . They'retrying to talk Sophia Loren into making an imprint ofher famous bottomin wet cement:'

After 39 drafts, the lease never got signed. Barish blames the Dursts;the Dursts say he never proved he'd pay for all he'd have to. In April 1989,Barish put Cafe Hollywood into apparent turnaround. But the idea wasn'tdead; Barish fell back on the standard Hollywood tacticnetworking.Through Zarem's Hard Rock connection, he met Robert Earl, and, Barishsays, 'there was combustion:' Then, flying across the country on MGM

Grand Air, Barish bumped into HarryIl oautIIoi models, me

Macklowe and persuaded him to rent theWest 57th Street location. Barish got

20,000 square feet, plus 3,500 more on the top floor for office space,for morethan $1 million a year.

ChICi social oeool aoy slat in Hoiiywoo" says ¡arem.

Barish recruited Furst through their mutual power-locus L.A. lawfirm, Bloom Dekom and Hergott. Comparing Furst's design (which now

as people om Columhu Ohio."Hollywood Clothesline of fa-

mous costumes) with that of the original Cafe Hollywood, Barish says,"lt's the difference between Picassds Guernica and something sold inCentral Park. It's the difference between Batman and - " He stops short,unwilling to name names. "Any number of movies:' It's MoMA, not theWhitney; it's a bankable movie star, not Whitney Houston; it's Guernicaand Batman, not a cheap lithograph orwell, a Keith Barish movie.

And, finally, Barish called his friends Arnold and Bruce. Barish knewthat Schwarzenegger was the right kind of play-ball partner, because he'dshown up at Barish's Monster Squad premiere and graciously posed forpaparazzi while hugging Frankenstein's monster. Then, during HomeAlonds climb to No. 3 on the all-time box-office list, and after the expan-sion ofthe Planet concept to a chain, the partners enlistedJohn Hughes."Hughes was looking for a place in Chicago to hang out' says Earl. "He wasfinishing filming late every night and didn't have reservations in places andwasn't recognized' To remedy this gross injustice, the Chicago Planet will"probably have ajohn Hughes table, which stays empty in case he's coming

In exchange for the privilege ofnot being treated like a weenie, Hugheswill also donate Macaulay Culkin's toboggan from Home AlonetheRosebud in his Kane, as it were.

lt's another smoggy May day in Bel Air. Barish, standing on a terracethat affords views of both his pooi and downtown L.A., is once againexplaining his high concept. "The idea of the restaurant is to walk inoff 57th Street, especially if it's winter and it's snowing or raining andgloomy, and you walk into this He sweeps his arm out at the view, look-

SEPTEMBER 1991 SPY 7

DON'T STOP 'TIL YOU eu ENOUOH

ing not unlike Carol Merrill onLetc Make a Deal. "But an imageof this."

ComingSoon: The First Theme Park Devoted Exclusively to theiackson Family' "i found that staring at a pool,particularly when the pumps are go.

Like the backers of Planet Hollywood, Tito ing and everything, is very relax-

«. Jackson and Ed Tate resent comparisons of ing' says Furst. The life-size pool at

their enterprise, Jackson's Main Event, to Planet has been relocated in Furst's

the Hard Rock Cafe. 'A lot of people have design from the dining-area floor

.;. askedthesameoldquestion:'Isthisgoingto to the wall behind the

barewhere

be something like the Hard Rock? And no, Will be mounted sideways. Corn-

it's going to be two or three notches removed plementing the pool area will be-

from the Hard &ck' says Tate, the Main a real diving board and a coyly-Event's president. 'Tito came up with an interesting phrase (to describe the tossed-aside bikini top, either Mari-

Main Event), and that is, a total entertainment experience.' lyn Monroe's or Madonna's. Lights

Tito is, ofcourse, the second-oldest member ofthe originaijackson 5 (you'll projecting through a tray of waterremember him as the pudgy one with the cap), andJackson's Main Event, when will make the wall look wet, satisfy-

completed, will be to his family what Hyde Park is to the Roosevelts: an enter- ing Furst's desire for a relaxingtaming, educational monument to a unique, influential American family in gurgling-pool effect without posingthis case, with the added attraction of interactive music video. liability problems. "We don't want

"There's not very much in that northern Midwest region of America' says anyone to think that there's a pool up

Tito, explaining his family's decision to build Jackson's Main Event on a there' says Barish. "I mean, this isn't

32,000-square-foot lot within the Mall ofAmerica, the 78-acre shopping-and- a themeparkwe're not trying to fake

entertainment complex now under construction in Bloomington, Minnesota. anybody out.'"Coming from that area-Chicago area, Gary, Indiana- I remember as a kid No, Planet Hollywood has to be

there wasn't very much to do, even in the summer mOnths." real, a testament to the genuineness

Sojackson's Main Event, with Tito as its CEO, will provide visitors with live of film history. Barish has beenentertainment, amateur-talent showcases, attractive merchandise (Jermaine is spending money by the tens of thou-

working with Tito on possible logo designs) and museumlike exhibits that will sands for such auction-house gems

allow tourists to trace the family's history from its cozy, precocious beginnings as Clark Gable's liquor flask, a bell

in Gary to its moneyed, sprawling, somewhat dysfunctional state today. Vivien Leigh gave Laurence Olivier,"As you walk in the door'says Tate, "there will bea replica oftheir home. . .at and a charcoal portrait of James

2300Jackson Street. . . and you will be able to experience the home situation Dean (price: $17,000) upon whichand hear the music of the late fifties and early sixties that influenced the actor inscribed the protestation

them. . . . They didn't just come out of a vacuum, okay? They evolved. And we "Look not upon this figure for thewant to be able to tell someone that story." greatness that is demanded of me."

J ust as Planet Hollywood hopes to make visitors feel as if they were per- MTV veejay Adam Curry, whosonally participating in the flimmaking process, Tito and Tate want Main wore the PLANET HOLLYWOOD T-shirt

Event patrons to feel as if they'd achieved Jacksonhood. "We're working now sent him on theaire

is skep-

with the possibility ofputting together some sort ofvideo that would have a fan tical of the notion that youngstersactually being able to be superimposed on a video, dancing with thejacksons with disposable income will want

onstage or something like that:' says Tate. "Something that they can walk away to see old movie memorabilia. "Iwith that's kind ola real personal experience they can show to other people:' think that a rock 'n' roll thing even a

Though Tito will function as the principaijackson-family operative, he em- hundred years old (sic) is more in-phasizes that all thejacksons, including Michael andJanet, will be involved. teresting to a kid than, say, James"We will be the Main Event:' he says. "We want to give our fans and public a Dean's steering wheel:' he says. "Kids

sense of personality, almost like we're there with them. . . .11 [Michael's) in the today have not seen a James Dean

area or in concert or whatever, he can stop by and give a wave and sign a couple movie they see Paula Abdul's video

of 'graphs." where Keanu Reeves is doing Rebel

Tito says that the Main Event will open along with the rest of the Mall of %"jt/01tt a Cauuse and she's doingAmerica a year from now, even though early this summer he and Tate had Natalie Wood, and they say, 'What is

neither fully worked out the details ofwhat the Main Event will encompass nor that about?"decided on a designer for the facility. Still, Barish and Earl have stuck

These minor obstacles aside, Tito and Tate feel bullish. "We basically want ''ith their fifties icons. "It's funny'to keep it very excliisive' says Tate. "We don't want to duplicate it in every city, says Barish, "because I was meeting

in every mall." For this reason, proposed locations ofadditionaiJackson's Main with a director whds one of the four

Events will, for now, be limited to Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Atlanta, Orlando, or five top directors in the world,

Paris, Madrid, Berlin, Australia and Tokyo. Maureen Shelly and he said, 'You know what youshould get? That monkey that James_______________________________________________________________

74 SPYSEPTEME3ER 1991

Dean carried in Rebel Without aCause.' And I said, 'We bought it!"(Barish later lets slip that the topdirector wasJohn Hughes.)

Overall, Planet Hollywood's mcm-orabilia collection will more reflectthe owners' connections than it willthe history of cinema or populartaste: through Arnold, Planet Holly-wood has both the cyborg from Ter-minator 2 (price: $25,000) and thephone booth from Commando; Zaremgot hold of a pair of crude spearsfrom Spartacus because he knew hecould get his pal Kirk Douglas todonate them in a public ceremony.Barish says that he and his partnerssought souveni rs from Spartacusrather than, say, Citizen Kane because"Orson Welles is dead. If he werealive and still sitting at his table atMa Maison, I would've gone overand talked to him about it'

Only weeks separate Barish andcompany from the scheduled Sep-tember opening date, and the ap-propriate buzz is in the air: Sneakercompanies and soda manufacturers,he says, have started to ask aboutpromotional tie-ins; Barish says

20 square feet. Only the exterior's awnings, and the latex palm trees, re-main intact.

Inside, Marilyn's many legs, originally planned to number a dozen, havebeen reduced two at the entrance to Hollywood Heaven and one in themain dining area. "We don't want to overdo says Barish. Gone are thepearly gates ('They look like cemetery gates, don't they?"); likewise a zebra-patterned floor ("Nobody got the reference:' says Barish, who explains thatzebra-patterned floors were de rigueur in 1930s nightclubs). Also scrappedare plans for a wall that looks like the view from a car window and a spe-cia! ocean-wave simulator. The button-back movie screen is now overheadand modified to look like a drive-in screen, though Barish is still uncertainwhat it should show (clips? Menu specials? Trailers for Terminator 3 andDie Even Harder?).

The most dramatic changes are in the plans for the VIP room. Origi-nally it was to have a private bar with its own rest rooms and TV, andas Zarem envisioned it, "Someone could go late at night, like Costner,Nicholson, if they want to watch a fight on TV. . . . No pushy securitypeople, not a Studio 54 situation, but a place where the partners andtheir friends can sit and have meals brought to them.' At one point itwas going to be outfitted with a fireplace from a famous Hollywoodmansion and have a separate, special menu and a full-time butler onduty. Byjune, Barish had decided it "would really be just for meetingsand interviews:' and it was scaled back to just a couch, a desk and abathroomall the better, anyway, since elitist, seclusive stars don't suitPlanet philosophy: "It defeats the purpose of what we're trying to do,which is to make this not a movie-star hangout but something for thepublicyet a place where a movie star or a celebrity will want to go,at least enough of the time to, uh, share that experience with the pub-

Barish oot the ¡oea for ao Hollywoofl me way mohe'll do only a few "sensible" ones. lic. And thafs a delicate balance'Producers have begun to inquire Barish says that late in the planning stage he realized he was focus-

ing too much on Hollywood's glitz. So

oroìcers oet meas tor movIesmom soffl000lly else while patrons suck down margaritas,they can visit a special area set aside

about using the place for premieres.Interview has asked to set up sem-mars sponsored by Kodak, and theAmerican Film Institute wants tohold tributes there. Zarem's celeb-rity product-placement targets havebeen surprisingly willing to complywith his marketing strategy: the NewYork Posi ran a photo of Madonnajogging in a PLANET HOLLYWOODTshirt.

But for all the expertly engineeredhoopla, the space at West 5 7th Streetstill looks much as it did the dayof Willis's press conference. Furstwanted the facade to be decoratedwith long, backlit filmstrip-styleportraits of stars like Dean, Mon-roe and Bogart, and an illuminatedglobe bearing the PLANET logo.But zoning codes forbid illumi-nated signs on 57th Street and limitspace for exterior signage to a paltry

by Barish for more serious tribute to Hollywood and the courageousstands it took movies, from Gentle,nan's Agreement to The Grapes of Wrath,Soph - uh, movies on apartheid like Cry Freedom or A Dry White Season, ora movie like Gandhi, or Sophier Choice or ironweed, whatever, movies thatreally tried to make a difference'

The days continue to tick away, and Barish and Furst are having yet an-other design meeting, discussing such issues as where to stick the dummyof the dead astronaut from 2001. (He ends up in Hollywood Heaven.) "Ihad one crazy idea I wanted to try:' Barish says. "I was thinking of goingto a special-effects guy and having him come up with a planet that couldactually move around in the starry ceiling:'

'Is that too theme-park?" responds Furst."Well' says Barish, "I'm asking you'"I think that it :' says Furst. "Totally, yesifit's literal and moving in

all directions:'"Like the Hard Rock used the car that's upside-down or sideways:' Bar-

ish says, hoping for a positive response.Furst sets Barish straight: "See, Planet, it's a thing of the mind rather

than something literal.""Okay' says Barish, backtracking. "It's a terrible idea. It's a Bobby Za-

rem idea' He pauses and ponders. "But I'd like something going on upthere')

SEPTEMBER 1991 SPY 5

Review of Rewus

Acronolís NowMadonna Goes Homeric and

Renaissance; Commentary WorshipsZeus; a Classic Look

at the Paper of Record

uy Humphrey Oeilllo

And they're off! Writing about Dolly Parton forVanity Fair, Kevin Sessums is out of the gate fast: "A Texanwith an instinct for crude can, like Dolly herself, go frombust to millionaire in a matter of months. . . . Parton's battle planfor her own brand of femininitya kind of Desert Form, if youwill . . . " But here comes Carl Wayne profiling Madonna for Time:"Madonna's artistic persona has clearly transformed from Daffy DiscoDolly into a more substantial, surrealistic Poly Dali incarnation. " Ses-

sums: "[Parton) is certainly the doll in dollar." Wayne: "A quantumartistic growth spurt, ifyou will."

They're neck and neckif youwill! Sessums: " 'Bearing witness'...means to spread the gospel of JesusChrist. Dolly chose to bear wit." It'sSessums in the lead: "We were hay-ing dinner with a group of mutualfriends at Le Madri, a Manhattanrestaurant frequented by the city'srakish clump of frequenters. . . . ¡yanasent over a bottle of wine. . . .TheBlonde leading the Blonde." Buthold onheres Wayne with "Hyp-nagogic sexscape. . .Circe with awink and a whip" and, beating Ses-sums at the wire, "Call them out-of-bawdy Madonna experiences . " A

surprise on a sloppy track Sessumsis usually a sure thing.

Let's sayjust for argument'ssakethat you've been buying En-tertainment Weekly. Then you mighthave read this line ofJames Ber-nard's: "Digital Underground's SameSong transcends being a musicaltrack for a party to become theparty itself." Or this appraisal fromthe usually smart and engaging

76SPYSEPTEMBER 1991

Gary Giddins: "Julie London's tim-bre and phrasing had a savvy thatlet you know she could probablydeconstruct Finiegans Wakebycandlelight and in a shorty night-gown." If you had read them, youprobably would have thought, Ei-¡ber these reviews have been badlytranslated from Gaelic oras is morelikelythey are meaningless. (Sup-porting the latter theory would bethe knowledge that all rock reviewsseem to consist of phrases pasted uprandomly by the art department.)Strangely enough, EW's editors ap-pear to agree that these commentsare nearly useless. A recent issue in-cluded a full-page ad for a new 900number that allows a caller to listento selections reviewed in the maga-zinc. (Needless to say, this servicecarries a fee.) In the ad, the quotesabove were reproduced and a youngman holding a copy ofEW was pic-tured wearing a quizzical, annoyedexpression. The headline read, BUT

WHAT DOES lT SOUND LIKE? I believea serious conflict of interest existshere. This arranement actually

makes it profitable for EW's music had corpse ligaments ¡n mind when immortal gods . Well, either thecritics to be frustratingly opaque it photographed a model's beautiful Greeks were wrongobjectivelyand nonsensical. Meanwhile, they knee. And viewing a shot of her speakingor we will soon seeobviously need no encouragement. bare, not unbeautiful back, one has Norman Podhoretz make offerings

Also in a recent EW, Tom De many thoughts, but i wonder zfthe to Hera.Haven reviewed Thomas M. Disch's essayist Phi/lip Lopate suffers lower- I feel sorry for Craig Whitney,The M.D. and called him "a brazen, back pain? is not among them. London-bureau chief for the Times.demanding, endlcssly "Twenty years ago, I Let me amend that. I don't feel sorryinventive writer" and "a started getting lower for Craig Whitney. Every so oftendevilishly clever narra- back pain," Lopate wrote the Ti,,zes runs its Turnbull & Assertor!" The novel, De Ha- All rock reviews alongside the picture. He story, and Whitney drew the as-ven said, is "a pitiless described his daily exer- signment this time. The storyfairy tale and a Faust-

seem to. cises and his "achiness"

consistabout the London shirtmaker essen-

. .

ian pastiche, a (doomed) ,.and remarked, I could . .

rially runs like this: Bespoke. . .iisu-family chronicle and a say more, but there is ally shop at Paul Stuart. . . Princecrackerjack medical of phrases nothing duller than Charles. . .shy American. . .bespoke...thriller. " Quite a rave! lower back pain." Believe old-world service. . .Churcbill Room,..De Haven gave the book us, Mr. Lopate, we know. very expensive. . . bespoke. . . which way tojust about the highest pasted up He also wrote, "I have the House o/Lordi? I feel sorry forpraise you can give a often felt the deepest Whitney because he sounded nowork ofart these days; he love at just that moment less foolish than anyone else whogave it an A. And better randomly by the when the beloved turns has written on the subject (maybe ayet, to actually experi- her back toward me to little more foolishthe motif of hisence Thomas Disch our- get some sleep.

" Or as story was that his chest was tooselves, we didn't even art department many a nonessayist has broad for an off-the-rack shirt, buthave to call a 900 num- put it, the ideal woman Turnbull & Asser got it right, "theber. We could simply turn to, a few would turn into a pizza right after yoi chest 46 inches tapering down topages later, some video reviews boinked. 41'A at the waist"). I don't feel sorryDisch himself had written for EW. Co,nmentary, and the neoconser- for Whitney because his shirts were"The Rose Tattoo [is] another slice of vative movement generally, conrin- probably a tax deduction.ham grilled to perfection by [Burt] ue to defend objective reality In his review in New York ofLancaster," Disch wrote, brazenly against slack-spined relativism. I Trath or Dare, David Denby saidand demandingly. He gave the film think a belief in objective reality is Madonna and her supporting castversion of William Inge's Come perfectly okay; if it works for you, are "a troupe outside society, not allBack, Little Sheba an A, but don't be then that's a choice you have every that different from a wanderingsuspicious. After a thorough right to make. But Commentary's band ofplayers in the Renaissance."searchfrom the TV series Sisters to role in this conflict has suddenly Reviewing Theodore Draper's bookDe La Soul's latest releaseI can re- taken a strange form. Charlotte about the Iran-contra affair in theport that William Inge did not Allen recently reviewed the best- Times, Herbert Mitgang called Northwrite a review for that issue of LW. selling IronJobn, by Robert Bly, the et al. "the leading players in [a] mem-

Fearful of their rhapsodies, I poet who has led the new, Cost- orable commedia dell'arte troupe."wouldn't have asked some middle- neresque "men's movement. " "For And in The New Republic, reviewingaged writers to discuss parts of the Bly," Allen wrote, "one god is as Columbia's Robert Johnson anthol-body, as The New York Times Maga- good as any other, for none exists in ogy long after it was issued, Russellzine did recently, especially ifgrainy the objective world." This is terri- Banks compared the Delta bluesblack-and-white photos of an un- ble, Allen said, liberal subjective- singers of the I 920s and '30s toclothed female model were to ac- ness at its worst. Gods do exist in "medieval jongleurs or Provencalcompany the text. As things turned the objective world. There is such a l)CtS.

'

1)o we really live in times soout, no one need have worried thing as "transcendent objective re- similar to the Mediterranean worldabout an excess of lyricism. Next to ality." The ancient Greeks, for ex- of several hundred years ago, or area shot of a slightly bent knee ample, "told and retold myths such comparisons just a lazy way topearly and delicate, with long fin- about Zeus not because Zeus was a add a bit of pseudolearned histori-gers resting on the thighJane De- symbolic name for the 'Zeus en- cal dash to reviews Let's make aLynn wrote about knee surgery, ergy' inside each of them, as Bly test: "David Denby is as 'with-it' asprosthetists and "transplanted liga- calls it, hut because they believed a fifteenth-ccntury Venetian bea-ments of cows, corpses and one's that Zeus cxisted in the transcen- die." A'tuallv. that's about right.own body. ' I'm not sure the Ti,nes dent world, that he was one of the Hail me a gondola.)

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¡he LossOeneratiojjL$Will the Cash-Rationing Issue f g

Bankrupt Bushpeople?

I go to my automatic teller and it tellscan't have all the cash I want, it's short of cash at the mo-ment. Of course it is! The entire banking system is about tofold, andthe Republicans are resorting to cash rationing!

Spread the word. Doesn't have to be truejust make them deny it:"The Republican Party is not the party of cash rationing!" It's theDemocrats' only chance.

Up to now the Democrats have been coming off as RepublicansLite. So my first thought was, Maybe the Democrats should push it theother way. Tr)' to oiit-Rejìublican theRe/rn blicans.

Ifthe Republicans can cal/for 1,000points of light, the Democrats can callfor I 00,000. 1f the Republicans canhave a dig in the White House that theysleep and shower and author books with,the Democrats can fondle llamas in theWhite House and make videos. if theRepublicans can bring Russia, Panama.Grenada and Iraq to their knees, theDenocrats can do it to China, Angola,Cuba, France and Manhattan. If theRepublicans can stop doctors from coun-seling the poor about legal abortion. theDemocrats can stop doctors and lawyers

from talking to anyone not employed bya ?najot' corporation about anything atall. lfthe Republicans can produce a VPwho hails as "a dean victo,y" a war inwhose aftermath children are dying inthe six figures, the Democrats can comeup with one who'll describe as "a pain-less ro???p" a war in which m i i I ions ofchildren...

Then I lost my nerve. There arelimits to Republicanism, even. Andif you call for too many points oflight, the voter might worry that heor she actually has to be one of them.

But I think a lot ofpeople willagree that if these Bushpeople are

80 SPY SEPTEMBER I 9')I

going to bring us cash rationing, it'srime to get rid of them. And I don'tknow any way to do it without get-ting a Democrat elected. Speaker ofthe House Thomas Foley is secondin the line of presidential successionin case of impeachment or autoim-mune incapacity, but he hasn'tlooked like he felt free to have anykind ofglint in his eye since mm-ions of the late Lee Atwater insinu-ated that he liked boys. I'm told he'san old friend of Kitty Kelley's, theyboth grew up in Spokane; but Idon't see how that is going to getthe Democrats anywhere.

The Democrats, meanwhile, keephaving to deny things: They did notwant to appease Saddam. They donot favor quotas. They do not wantto solve everything by taxing andspending. Their liberal standard-bearer did not, repeat did not, realizethe police wanted to talk to himabout anything so serious as rape.

One thing they can't deny is thatthey lost the last three presidentialelections, and they're well on theirway to losing the next one. A hobbyof mine is collecting things sports-people say when they lose, all of

, which may be boiled down toIsomething like this: "Everyone

in this room is emotionallyblown out. We feel

disbelief. I can't livewith this, and I can'tlet my players live

7_. with it. Just a night-o mare. The shock has

given way to uncer-tainty. We did it to

ourselves. If I were a fan,I would be so peeved at

this team right now. lt makesyou wonder how good you reallyare. So much is written about you,and so much is expected, and youdon't live up to it. Reality has away of seeping into your bones themorning after. If ifs and buts werecandy and nuts, we'd all have aMerry Christmas. We have somereally hard questions to tackle. lt'sa shame we had to be brought backto reality here at home."

We have, in fact, lost somethings during the last several years,including faith in banks. (Hencethe move to cash rationing.) ButBushpeople will do just about any-thing to avoid icky, wonder-where-we-went-wrong talk, They like tokindly and gently lay the onus onothers. (This cash rationing is goingto be hard to sidestep, though.)Here's the kind of thing Bush likesto say: In his address to Congressafter our Gulf victory, he citedfootage of Iraqi soldiers coming upout of a bunker and kissing thehands of American soldiers, beg-ging for mercy, and a decently em-barrassed G! responding, "You'reall right." Lacking, himself, any ca-pacity for decent embarrassment,Bush got misty. That, he told theworld as Congress burst vacantlymuto applause, is the big-heartedvoice of America: "You're all rightnow. " We've bombed you till yougrovel and your country is prein-dustrial, and by the way your vi-cious despot is still in place, andnow you're all right, go in peace.

What the heck, maybe we're allright, too. But I don't like thesound of this cash-rationing thing)

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Photo Credits

Willis cover: Photographed by CarolynJones. Paintbox photo illustration by PhillipHeffernan, FCLJCOLORSPACE.KKK cover: Photographed by Neil Selkirk;styled by Barbara Tfank; assistant stylist:Mark Bridges; Arthur MyersonfThe ImageBank (sunglasses reflection).Page 2: Neil Selkirk (KKK).Page 5: Brad Markel/Gamma Liaison(Thomas); © All Action/London FeaturesIntl. (Bon Jovi); Photofest (bees); AP/WideWorld Photos (Sununu).Page 6: Photofest (grandma).Page 10: S. Timer (Handelman).Page 28: Stephen Allen/Globe Photos(Mailer); Ron Galella, Ltd. (Kissinger);Smeal/Galella, Ltd. (Young).Page 29: Ron Galella, Ltd. (McCartney);Ewing Galloway (robe); AP/Wide WorldPhotos (Bush).Page 32: © The Walt Disney Company(Dalmatian).Page 35: Reuters/Bettmann Newsphotos(Kim).Page 36: Ewing Galloway (drummer.Page 37: Ron Wolfson/London Features Intl.(Wagner, Little Richard); Ron Galella, Ltd.(Jennings); Archive Photos (McNamara,Chaney); Julio Donoso/Sygma (Witt); CynthiaJohnson/Gamma Liaison (Rehnquist); EdwardA. Gargan/NYT Pictures (Al-Sabah); LGI(Dafoe); Photofest. (Lenya).Page 38: Debra Lex/People Weekly l 1989The Time Inc. Magazine Company (Duke withphone); State T,me'Gamma Liaison (Duke).Page 40: Left to right. J. L. Atlan/Sygma,:© 1991 Janet KnottJThe Boston

G!obWContact Press Images; DebraLex/People WeekJy© 1989 The Time Inc.Magazine Company; © 1991 TomasMiiscionico/Contact Press Images.Page 41: Jean Pierre Laffont/Sygma(Wilkinson); Michael P. Smith/Black Star(Duke).

Page 43: Courtesy of Klanwatch (Black);AP,Wide World Photos (mercenaries, Hand).Page 46: NYT Pictures (Kriegel).Page 51: Albert Ferreira/DMI (Forbes).Page 55: Doug Menuez (Feshbachs).Page 56: Archive Photos (Hubbard).Page 68: l G iovanni/Photoreporters(Willis); Paul Adao/New York Post (Madonna);courtesy of Bobby Zarem (Schwarzenegger).Page 69: Aloma (Phillips); Aslan/SIPAPress (top Schwarzenegger); courtesy ofBobby Zarem (Willis); Benainous/Reglain/Gamma Liaison (bottom Schwarzenegger).Page 71: Patrick McMullan (Zarem);Bettina Cirone (Willis).Page 72: Courtesy of Bobby Zarem (facade).Page 74: Globe Photos (Jacksons).Pages 82-83: Marina Garriier(Westmoreland, model, Diller, Crawford,Saltzman); Smeal/Galella, Ltd. (Arnold,Bernhard, Mrs. Connery); AlbertOrtega/Galella, Ltd. (Stewart, Sean Connery,Stallone, Zane); J. D. Ligier/Galella, Ltd.(Hunter); Scott Downie/Celebrity Photo(Parton); Ron Galella, Ltd. (McFadden);Gregg DeGuire/Galella, Ltd. (Turner).Page 84: John Paschal/Celebrity Photo(DeVito); all others, Marina Gamier.

I

He Looks Great in a LampshadeToo ! Everybody's favori u wackywar criminal, General WilliamWestmoreland, clowns around ina coolie hat following a perfor-mance of Mi. Saigon to raisemoney for humanitarian aid toVietnam. Thanks for the memories.

WestyL

Many attendees of Love Ball 2,the AIDS benefit that encouracdguests to "create their own spec-tack," took the organizers at theirword and indulged in behavioruncommon to polite society.(1) One model blithely arranged afellow voguers, tui, flowers. And(2) 20th Century Pox ultra-guyBarry Diller evidently thoughtnothing of informing David Gel-len that he was seated with in-sufficiently powerful people andurging him to move to a betterthat is, Dillers owntable.Meanwhile, (3) Cindy Crawfordand Lady Miss Kier of 1)eee-Litepretended to like each other.

82SPYSEPTEMIIER 1991

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Madonna Indoctrination Index: First rosaries, then ziggurat bras, then thestudiously-dirty-hair look. And now, as Roseanne Arnold (née Barr) andSandra Bernhard demonstrate, the newest Madonna-generated trend is them i neral-water bottle as suggestive accessory.

PartyPOOP

A AAt Indochine, Voguis Elizabeth Saltzman en-tertained the crowd with two neat partytricks: (1) doing the limbo, Monheit-style;and (2) simulating sexual intercourse withCondé Nast mascot André Leon Talley.

Fiber Optics As has been reported in these pages before, when shiny,stretchy, petroleum-based fibers are pulled tight over spheroid objects(natural or unnatural), those spheroid objects emit a kind of phospho-rescent sheen. Among those taking advantage of this new attention-getting physics principle in planning their wardrobes arc (1) acces-sones entrepreneur Paloma Picasso; (2) pinup girl Dolly Parton; (3,4)Rachel Hunter (Mrs. Rod Stewart), who likes her luminescence infront and in back; (5) conceivably extraterrestrial designer Mary Mc-Fadden; (6,7) Mrs. Sean Connery (on two separate occasions); (8) sur-vivor Tina Turner; (9) actress Lisa Collins, whose husband, actor BillyZane, also went for the articulated-nipple approach; and (10) verysnappy dresser Sylvester Stai lone.

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Who Needs Toothpicks? (1).,

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,. Palm Beach fright fixture

L L.ø Mollie Wilmot. talking to

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mitri, finds that stiletto fin-gernails make picking up

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,

Though ¡t is highly unlikelythat a morsel offood, having fai I-en from Saul Steinbergs mouthor fork, would ever make it pastthe beaver-faced mogul's paunchand actually end UI) Ofl his lap,Steinberg is a man who doesn'ttake chances; at a New York CityBallet fundraising dinner, he pro-tected his pants by wearing hisnapkin loincloth-style.

The Little People Good news for the height-impaired! Take a tip from Danny DeVito, aman who is both extremely short and ex-tremely successful: wearing multiple hats(Danny prefers four) adds inches to yourstature and your sèlf-esteem.

She's the BossStanding inthe Plaza ball-room with hernine-year-olddaughter, Ivan-ka, top divor-cée lvana Trump, casual in a satin-rhine-stone-and-denim ensemble, actually or-dered photographers to photograph thechild only in profile.

LUUR nai You've BeenSeptember 1987

(October 1988

!1I1: MIN WHo ()iFiNI IUE Mon ," SPY IOU

Do Malia Iawyersoops, :IIç'edj

Our annual roster of che 1 00 mostMafia lawyers, that isreally ''' annoying, alarming and appallingbelieve theyre performing a people, places and things, toppedpublic service? Iw Al Sharpcon.

November 1987 November 1988

KiNl1' BAShING! 1Et1)S!

The unsold story of -- Dean & Jerry, Mick & Keith.Chappaquiddick and an interfaith _________ Mailer & VidaI, and Thesymposium: will Teddy burn in toughest weenie in America:hellt Rudolph Giuliani.

r- March 1988-----

January.February 1989Tue FILOFAX GENERATION MK. STUPID Gor.s To WASHINC.1ON!

.. Fm Okay. Youre Late: the fetish Americas Ten Dopiestfor ixrsonaI. prioritized life-style Lawmakersall those in faor,management. Plus. inside Mensa! say dllh. Plus. terminal-impact

.cuergies of the stars!

April 1988IiIE NIcL ISSUE . March 1989

Harold Washingtons diet of lSN1 li 11&()NICf'

death. The SPY guide to - A straight-laced look at the Irony

P05(modcrn everything. The new - Epidemic: how in the

urban hestiary. Plus, ghostwricers! world turned "funny"fromTwister to Twinkies.

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May1988j WELCOME TO RAT CITY! April 1989

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CEL1BRITY GARBAGE!

: through our sheet metal, they Coffee grounds of the rich andI' could come up through your interoffice memos of the

toilet: the definitive story on rats._-. famousa scientific, sanitary' and

not at all unseemly investigation.July-August 1988PARTY Guys! May 1989

The First Annual Pro-Am IVANARAMA!

Ironman Nightliíe Decathlon. A special investigative tribute toThe George Bush briefing book. Ivana Trump. and the good andPlus, return to Grenada! bad news about cryonics. Plus:

the nubbins watch commences!September 1988L1t-s'IvL lILu OuK SPECIAL T1 June 1989

l.os ANGELIS ISSUE Li:us MKE A DEAL Wini TIlE DEVIL

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Li Scientific proofthat ifyou move Real-life Fausts. from Ed Koch to_ to Los Angeles, you will become Jackie Onassis, and media

J oan Collins. Plus, inside I-Ices zillionaires Norman and Frances

pad! Lear. Plus. taste-testing dog food!

Missing!IAugust 1989Woo WAS WioHow time travel could reallywork. The little mogul thatcouldnt: awful moviemakingwith Dino DeLaurentiis.

September 1989VII.IA,I II)i1s

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The SPY IlldX

Seul.Abdul, Paula

confusing tcenager. I

Agee, James, 35Alzado, Lyle, S

American Psycho, I 5Aricier. Garth, 25Antoinette, Marie

'. mesS of, 71

Aspin, Les, I

Astor, John Jacob, 48Atwater, Lee, 80Bacall, Lauren, 84Bacon, Francis, 70Baldwin, Alec, 2

Banks, Russell, :7Barish. Keith, 69-75bcHV IIIIddk-of-the-road, 69interpreting pre-

Revolutionary FrenchnloTl;Ir( 1Ç, 71

Basinger, Kim, 70, 72Salman, 68-69. 73Beatty, Warren, 6, 72Berman, AI

con1usin Martha Grahamvith tarrh.i Raye, 22

Bernhard, Sandra, 82Bloom, Jake, 2

Bly, Robert, 77Bogart, Humphrey, .0, 7Bon Jovi, Jon

and aIIeiance W che(_,() l ( 7

Brady, Nick,Brooks, Jim

.zrudgc-l)I)kIsng ot, 24Burton, Tim, 69Bush, Barbara, 88Bush, George, 6-7, 34,

70. St)

glandular probkmsof. 29.88

Bush, Jonathan, 49Bush, Millie, 80.88Bush, Neil, (Butterlield, Fox

IIIn)t-r(II' l,untrs of. 18Caddyshack II, 60, 61Canhy, Vincent, 'S

CBS Evening News, The, 22Chancy, Lon, 38Cher.Chemin, Peter, 24Clinton, Bill

itttcking enviro-flOflSCflS('.

Coleman, Dabney, 24Collins, Jackie, 60-61Collins, Lisa,Come Back, Little Sheba, ''Costner, Kevin, ())t, 75Crawford, BroderickI keriI n) i rrir.ihk cocker

spaniel, 64Crawford, Cindy,Cronkite, Walter and

Betsy,Crosby, Norm, 30Culkin, Macaulay, 73

I Am(rI( UI urebred, 35Curry. Adam, 74Dafoc, Willem, 37

Davis, Martinhating Regarding Henry, 20raking wings offthes. 49

Dean, James, 71, 75Deerfield Academy

as a1)I)31rft Irast commondr,mminaror for inclusionon 'l'imes society page. 45

de Kwiatkowski, Henryk, 84De La Soul,Denby, David, 77De Niro, Robert, 70DeVito. Danny, 84Diller, Barry, .'.1-75, 82Dinkins, David

%'urkIiig co kcep hislove letters out of thepapeN. 26-27

Douglas, Kirk. S

Draper, Theodore, 77Drucker, Peter, 35Duke, David, ', 38-43

.i. Kltii ( .iinova, 41555(KlatIflg with Nazi

homosexuals, 43celebrating Hiclers

hirehday. 42small penis of. 40tax liens of, 41

using pseudo-Muslim penname, 41

Dunne, Griffin, 30Earl, Robert, 73-74

as compact Bric restaurant-chief. 71

Eastman, John, 29. 30. 32, 34Eastman, Lee, 29. 30. 32-34,

Eisenman, Peter, 15, 17Eisner, Michael

possibly breaking up withSporky, 20

Elaine's, 68Elliot, Chris, '

I

Ellis, Bret Easton, 15Epstein, Jason

lx'ing lilleted, 19Farber, Manny, S

Feshbach, Joe, Kurt andMatt, '12-58

and I 980s-style flaunting ol

wealth, 56as Operating Thetans of the

highest and second-highest)r(lirs, S

Finnegans Wake, 76Fischer, Louis, 71Fitzwater, Marlin

II( t li iiiuI ordcrc'd to inserteyebrow pencil in RichardGephtrdt's rectum, 29

Foley, Thomas, 82Forbes, Kip

as son of wealthy biker. 51Fox Broadcasting Company,

21. 2SFox, Michael J., 73Furst, Anton, 69, 70-71,

-1 -'s

Gable, Clark, 74Gandhi,Gass, William, 32Gates, Daryl, I SGates, Robert M., ;t'

Geffen, David,Gelb, Arthur, ,I

Gentleman's Agreement, S

Gephardt, Richard, 2Gore, Al, 72Gotti, John

l()Vablefl('SS of, 7

Graham, Martha, IIGrapes of Wrath, The, 7'1Guttenberg, Steve, 71Hamlin, Harry, 11

Hand, Karl, 40, 41Harrison, George, ,0, 32, 34,

Herman, Pee-wee, 68Hewitt, Don, 16Ho, Don, i

Home Alone, 35as modern-day Citizen

Eim,', S

Houston, Whitney, 73Hubbard, L. Ron, 52-53,

56-58Hughes, John, 72-73, 75Hunter, Rachel, 83Hussein, Saddam, 80inge, William, "7In Living 24-25Irons, Jeremy, 72Ironweed, I'), 75Jackson, Tito

('Il' rtprt'neurial (lair of, 74Jacksons, the, 36, 74Janowitz, Tama, ISJennings, Peter, 37Johnson, Philip, I 5- IKalikow, Peter, 2t') 2'Katzenberg, Jeffrey 'Sparky"

a. introspection-tree lObO-

tX(( IItIVC," 20Katz's Deli, 16Kelley, Kitty, i-12Kennedy, Bobby Jr.

catisin lan'cr at latr)ir(Ittn1

amusenx-n. 28Kier, Lady Miss, 82Kissinger, Henry

delegating pet -(-arerc's1,ovisihility, 28

Knopf, Alfred A., Inc.courting Walter Monheit, I 2

Koch, Edpotential San Gennaro-

inspired overindulgenceof, 3()

Kramden, RalphMiIkencsue get-rich-quick

schemes of, 33Lancaster, Burt, 77Lazar, Swifty, 70

running over his cook with a<tr. S

LedZeppelin ¡II, 45Leibovitz, Annie, 88Leigh, Vivien, iLenya, Lotte,Let's Make a Deal, 74Liman, Arthur, s4Lindsay, John, i6Little Richard, 57Lombardo, 30London, Julie

h onstruc(ingtV'ake, 76

Loren, Sophia, "2-7Los Angeles Times, the, 25. 3-iMacklowe, Harry, 70, 73Macpherson, Elle

sLIlicrIu1 shortage ol1rPti'e mates, 72

Madonna, 35, 76,821)il1lX)ar(ICd breasts of, 75as Renaissance minstrel. 77

Mailer, Normanbeing char.uteristically

profisne. 28Maltese Falcon, The, 14. 24Mason, Jackie,

McCartney, Linda, 29, 32. 34whining to her father, 36

McCartney, Paul, 32. 34choosing iilvcstment banker

by sound of its name, 29equating his band co the

Jackson family, 36expensive lawsuit of, 30

McFadden, Mary. -)3McMahon, Vince, 2

McMillan and Wife, 37McNamara, Robert, 37Mcueen, Steve, 71)McRaney, Gerald

incorreuly praising director«I I)60 tilt movie. 14

Mehta, Sonny, I 5

Mestres, Ricardo El

Groovo," 20Milken, Mike, 34Minnelli, Liza, 72Miss Saigon, 82Monroe, Marilyn, 70, 74-75Moore, Demi, 6HMorton, Peter, 71Murdoch, Rupert, 25Murphy, Eddie, 0NAAWP. the, , I

New Jack City, S

New Republic, The, IR, 77New York Times, The, 16, 18,

'&-dcl i ng of, 44-1Nicholson, Jack, 72, 75Nixon, Richard, 15Nixon, Tricia, IS

Norton, Ed, 'Olivier, Laurence, 74Onassis, Jackie, 72Ono, Yoko, SO, 32, 34, 36Parton, Dolly, 76, 83Patric, Jason

as 'good irïencl" (ti BobbyZarem's, 72

Paul Stuart, 77Phillips, Chynna and

Michelle, 77Piano Lesson, The, 24Picasso, Pablo,Picasso, Paloma, 83Podhoretz, Norman

y .-: 1

Porizkova, Paulina, 73Presley, Elvis, (i-71Prince Charles, HlPrince Diniitri of

Yugoslavia, l-14uayle, Dan, )

Rafferty, Terrence, 35Rather, Dan

htirs' Ic'xas aphorisms of, 22Rebel Without a Cause, 74, 75Reeves, Keanu,Rehnquist, William, 37Ripken, Cal Jr., ?2Roberts, Julia,

'

Robocop,Rolling Stone, (a)

Ross, Steveamusing Senator Daniel

trouve, 13-IRushdie, Salman

;i subject olsavage Bushmockery, 88

Saltzman, Elizabeth, 82Sarris, Andrew,Scalia, Antonin,Schroeder, Patricia, I

Schwarzenegger, Arnold,68-70. 72-73, 75

f'rankness of, 71

Schwarzkopf, Norman,Scale, Bobby, I

Shepard, Sam, ,tSills, Beverly, 48Simon, Carly, 72Simon, Sam, 24Simpsons, The, 2460 Minutes, I 6, 83Skull and Bones, 88Smith, Liz, I(

or),'c-rtahle movie reviewsof, I S

Snyder, Richard, 12Sophie 's Choice, 69, 73. 75Sorenson, Erik

vidi)' reading sdl-helpbooks. 22

Stallone, Sylvester, 68-69,72.85

Starr, Ringo, 30, 34, 36begging tør allowance from

Pitil, 52

Star Trek, ()

Steinberg, Saul, 134Sting,Stone, Oliver,Stuyvesant, Peter, 8Styron, William, 73Sununu, John, 88

md mysterious Kennedyconnection, -6

Suzy.

Taylor, Lili, SoTeenage Mutant Ninfa Turtles

Il: The Secret of theOoze, 55

Thomas, Clarence, 7, 36Tigrett, Isaac, 71Tinte, "iToback, James, I 7Trump, Ivana, 76,84Truth or Oare, 35, 77Tsongas, Paul

I maginary fte-1,uintBlackfooced FerretPr"tcccion Plan of, 30

Turnbull & Asser, 77Turner, Tina, '2001: A Space Odyssey, 50. 75UPI, I

Vanity Fair,Wagner, Robert, -

Washington Post, The, 22, 34Wayans, Keenan Ivory, 25Weisberg, Jacob, IWelles, Orson,Westmoreland, William, 82Whitney, Craig,Whitton, Margaret, 50)Wilkins, Fred, lUWilkinson, Bill, ilWillis, Bruce, 68-69, 70, 71,

72-73, 75almost doing "the feet

thing," 71r,-cval oat ng h is life, 20

Wilniot, Mollie, 84Winkler, Henry\ \ I livun commune, 45Winthrop, John, 48Witt, Katarina,Wood, Natalie, I

Yeager, Chuck,l,S namesake for Holiday

Inn's "last-minutetwcakin," room, 65

Young, Sean, 73rI.tII( uIures of, 28

Zahn, Paula, 22Zane, Billy, MSZarem, Bobby, 60,68-75)

SEPTEMBER 1991 SPY 87

o v oiuce lliav Notes Toward a NOflfÌCtÌO Novel

TRANSCRIPTION OF GHWB DICTAPHONE RECORDING 021-0791

Hey, uh, Dictaphone, ya hear the one about Salman Rushdie's nextbook? Got this from Nick Brady. is Salman Rushdie' s--thinkit was Brady--what is Salman--or maybe I told him--what is Salman

Rushdie's--no, yeah, it was Brady--what is Salman Rushdie's nextbook gonna be called? Big Fat Buddha Motherfucker! Know. Know.Nearly wet my chinos first time I--wait, here's another one, evenbetter. Okay: Guy. And another guy. First guy says to the otherguy, "When's the last time that you, uh, had sex?" So the second,the second guy says, "Nineteen forty." Back to the first fella.I-le says, "That's a long time." And the second--wait, important, the

second fella, gotta understand this now, second fella is, oh, Norm

Schwarzkopf--and he says, Schwarzkopf, "Well, it's only 2120 now."Can ya believe it? Okay, uh, on to more historical thoughts.

Commencement speaking--sick of it. The other week--Delaware?--gave out night-high-school-equivalentness diplomas. One of thoseeducation-president events. Even Yale was--lot of heckling, alsofrom the goddamn media: "What about this Colonel Henderson?" Hey!Not exactly Colonel Naive here, know what's going on--trying tomake me say "Skull and Bones." (Checked--we can say it toDictaphones.) These reporters--just the sort of people that neverwoulda been tapped. I don't blame Bar for hating that they followus up to Kennebunkport, and all she wants is to be herself, andso what if she wants to kiss Millie on the lips? It's a privatething, and nobody has to make the evening news for liking it.Gotta be candid now about the thyroid: don't know why. That Bar

has it, and Millie with the dog version--don't read too much into

that, even with the kissing and the showering together. Mostlythinking, Got this condition. Why not develop it out intosomething positive? Got a problem, make a tiny adjustment in the

medication--doctor's supervision, of course--and bingo! Castrogets uppity, pencil in some thyroid hyperactivity, Cuba's the51st state. "Look out, Fidel--reducing the dosage!" Might make a

pretty good campaign slogan. "Reelect Bush: he'll lower thedose." Make a note to test that one out on Sig.

Oh, yeah--got back those contact sheets from the photo shootwith that Leibovitz woman, and darn if Sununu isn't in almostevery one. Some of 'em you only see part of his face down lowbehind a deck chair or an umbrella, but I know those cheeks.Didn't want that to happen. Figured when I mentioned--real casual

too--that there was a big stamp auction in Sacramento that maybeit would mean all-clear for the session, chief-of-staff-wise. Buthe's too crafty for me. So Leibovitz might have to come back,which means to heck with Bar and her khakis, I can get back intothe presidential-sweatpants mode. Oops, gotta dash. Some morestaff want to come in and tell me to dump Sununu.

GHWB: gkJuly 1991 _

9 EAST 16TH ST. NYC 10003 (2121 463-7101

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