PraiseforSomebody?Nobody?

“Excellent. This book offers a deep, wide range of insights to help bothEnneagramstudentsandnewcomersdiscoverthedepthofthesystemanditsmanymeaningfulapplications.

Bylettingindividualsspeakthroughandabouttheirpersonalitystyles,thebookrevealstheirstrugglesandsolutions.Plus,itguidesreadersdowntheirownroadtogrowingandchangingandlivingamorecompletelife.”

—TomCondon,Enneagramteacherandauthor

“Here Mary and CJ through engaging personal accounts show steps ofdevelopmentthetypesmakewhenworkingwithEnneagramunderstandings.It is a book about hope for those of us who engage in working with theEnneagram System. Congratulations on providing this highly readable,practical,andusefulbookofdirectreports.”

—DavidDaniels,M.D.,Co‐FounderofEnneagramStudiesintheNarrativeTradition

“Readers looking for insights on their own very human journeywill find inthisbookavaluable resource for furtherexamining their lives.Through thevoicesofindividualswhohavefoundtheEnneagramtobeanimportantpartoftheirtransformationaljourney,MaryBastandCJFitzsimonsilluminatetheintriguing and paradoxical dynamic of experiencing oneself as “somebody”and“nobody.””

—RoxanneHowe‐Murphy,Ed.D,Author,DeepCoaching:UsingtheEnneagramAsaCatalystforProfoundChange,andDeepLiving:Transforming

YourRelationshiptoEverythingThatMattersthroughtheEnneagram“TherearenowmanybooksavailableontheEnneagram,describingdifferentelementsoftheninepersonalitytypesorstyles.Someofthesebooksusefirsthand reports frompeople of the nine different Enneagram types to helpexplainwhattheexperienceofthattypeislike.Butjustdescribingthetypes,while valuable,will only take us so far when we are actually interested ingenuinepsychologicalandspiritualdevelopment. inSomebody?Nobody?TheEnneagram, Mindfulness, and Life’s Unfolding, CJ and Mary have donesomethinguniqueandimportantbyfocusingoneachtype’sfirst‐handreportsof what brought real development. The stories they present are

highlyresonant,relevant, and make clear howkey elements of thetransformational journey of each typeunfold in specific and personalways.ThisbookisagreatcontributionandresourceforthoseusingtheEnneagramonthepathofawakening.”

—RussHudson,Co‐authorofTheWisdomoftheEnneagram

 

“The Somebody / Nobody thread in this book is mirrored by the processpeopletypicallyusetoexploretheEnneagram.Whenfirstintroducedpeoplepour over lists of characteristics of type to find out where they sit on theEnneagram.WeneedtobeaSomebodyfirst. It isonlyinworkshopsettingsseeingandhearingexamplarsof typethatwecanreallygetthedynamicsofeachpoint.MaryandCJhavemade this leap inbook form through the richintelligentreportingof18awakeandawareindividualswhosharethestoriesoftheirjourneysthroughthelensoftheEnneagram.TheEnneagramismadehumanandwholeandwecanrecognizeourselves.Havingapracticeorbeingonapath isnot formulaic: it is alchemical, and thesewonderful storiesandrichcommentaryshinealightontheprocessoftransformation.”

—SandyMcMullen,Artist/Authorof“InnerLandscapes”andCoach“Much likeold friends catchingupona cozy couch, after a long timeofnotseeingoneanother,MaryandCJholdaspaceforyoutosharethejourneyofself‐reflectionwithagentletug.So,pullupachair,tuckinyourfeet,andbringyourself to this book with the presence of mind it implores. Inside, eachhumanexemplarspeakswitha candor that lendsanutterly truthful tone tothe telling of “type.” In turn, our authorsweave their own authentic voices,throughanapplicationoftheEnneagram,whichleavesusknowing–withoutadoubt–thatthestruggleofbeinghumanismorethanokay,itisnecessary.Ifyouarealoverofpeople,asIam,youwillappreciatethegamutwerunonthemapofhumanexperience,laidoutonthepageswithin.Andif,likeme,youarealsoonewhoseekstocatchthesubtlewaysinwhichweeachdeftlyavoidourtrue selves, youwill find this a compelling avenue to bring you back insideyourself.”

—SusanOlesek,Founder,EnneagramPrisonProject

“Mary and CJ did a beautiful job of telling and interpreting inspirationalstoriesoftransformation.Iespeciallylikethattheyhavemostlybeenlivedinordinarycontexts,bypeoplewhoarecandidatesto“beintheworldwithoutbeing of theworld”, followingGurdjieff’s concept. The result is an engagingand easy‐reading book that brings to surface many subtleties of the innerwork,whileshowingwhythereareatleastasmanypathsaspeopleonEarth.Providedthattheyhelpusbecomebothsomebodyandnobody.”

—UranioPaes,DirectorofUP9

“TheoldsongandZenparabletellus,“Firstthereisamountain,thenthereisno mountain, then there is.” The personal narratives in this book—storiesfrom the heart rather than the textbook—show people on the trip up themountain, peoplewrestlingwith the ongoing journey of finding yourself soyoucan loseyourselfandultimately findyourselfagain.Thesearestoriesofrealpeoplespeakingaboutthemselveswithauthenticity,notnarrativesbasedontheoryorspeculationaboutwhatgoesoninthemindsofothers.Ironically,itisthenaturalnessofthesestoriesthatvalidatethetheory.ThereismuchtolearnabouttheEnneagraminthesepages.”

—MarioSikora,Co‐AuthorofAwarenesstoAction“I applaud the approach Mary and CJ have taken. Instead of imposingabstractEnneagramtheoryon theperson, let theperson tellyou fromtheirown livedexperience. I foundeachcontributor’s reflectionsandtestamentsbothhonestandhumble– including theauthors’. ThanksMaryandCJ forcollecting, editing, and commenting on these essays; and thank you,participants,forwritingthem.Youenrichourunderstandingandempathyforeachtypeandgiveusdirectionandhopefortransformingourownlivesfromsomebodytonobody.”

—JeromeP.Wagner,Ph.D.,AuthorofEnneagramSpectrumofPersonalityStylesandNineLensesontheWorld:

theEnneagramPerspective

Somebody?Nobody?

TheEnneagram,MindfulnessandLife’sUnfolding

 

MaryBast,Ph.D.

and

CJFitzsimons,Ph.D.

Copyright©2014byMaryBastandCJFitzsimons

Allrightsreserved

PublishedintheUnitedStatesofAmericabyInternationalEnneagramAssociationPublications,

animprintoftheInternationalEnneagramAssociation.RegisteredOffices:4010ExecutiveParkDrive,Suite100

Cincinnati,Ohio45241USA

ISBN978‐0‐9903273‐2‐5

www.internationalenneagram.org

FirstEdition

CoverDesign:LauraWaters

BookDesign:CJFitzsimons

Coverart:“DarkNightoftheSoul”byMaryBast,Oiloncanvas

www.marybast.com

Contents

ForewordbyJeromeP.Wagner,Ph.D.

ix 

Chapter01 

Chapter1–Style15

1. EvolutionofConsciousness–Alison’sstory 5 2. EverythingHasSanctity–Kevin’sstory 123. Commentary 17

Chapter2–Style2

211. BreakingDowntheIllusions–Jessica’sstory 212. StayingAwake–Bryan’sstory 303. Commentary 35

Chapter3–Style339

1. TheSeasonsofourLives–Grant’sstory 392. LevelbyLevel–Valerie’sstory 453. Commentary 52

Chapter4–Style455

1. LeavingtheDramaBehind–Kathryn’sstory 552. TheRichnessofBeingReal–Foster’sStory 623. Commentary 70

Chapter5–Style573

1. OutoftheBiosphere–Peter’sstory 732. TheHero’sStory–David’sStory 773. Commentary 80

Chapter6–Style683

1. RidingtheBull–Bill’sstory 832. JoyMovesItAlong–Jim’sStory 903. Commentary 94

Chapter7–Style797

1. Mosaic–Jessica’sstory 972. AlteredStates–Alan’sStory 1083. Commentary 116

Chapter8–Style8119

1. GatheringCourage–Ursula’sstory 1192. OutoftheBox–Jeff’sStory 1233. Commentary 128

Chapter9–Style9131

1. BoxesandSpheresMovingThroughTime–Claire’sstory131

2. TwoStepsForward,OneStepBack–Ralph’sStory 1383. Commentary 144

Chapter10–Afterword147

AbouttheAuthors163

AbouttheIEA165

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Somebody?Nobody?byMaryBastandCJFitzsimons

4 

Contents

1. EvolutionofConsciousness–Alison’sstory 5

2. EverythingHasSanctity–Kevin’sstory 12

3. Commentary 17

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter1

5 

ChapterOne–StyleOne

EvolutionofConsciousness–Alison’sstory

My notion of goodness or rightness has shifted over the years, so inthatsensethere’sbeensometransformation.ButI’mnervousaboutawordthattomymindsoundsabitpretentious.Formethere’sbeenanevolutionofconsciousness.InmyearlieryearsIspentmoretimeatmyFourstresspoint,andinrecentyearsmoretimeinthedirectionofmysecurity point, Seven.I also think there’s been somemovement frombeingmoreintheNinewingtobeinginamuchstrongerTwowing.SotherehasbeenashiftwithintheOneworldviewthatit’simportanttobe impeccable.Mynotionof impeccabilityhas shiftedover theyears,becomealittledeeper,alittlelessnit‐pickyintermsof,Oh,we’vegottolook perfect.We’ve got to have every hair in place.We have to giveperfect dinner parties.Now, it’s more, What is the perfect way ofhelping this person?Ormaybe not helping, of just getting out of theway.

I’minterestedinGurdjieff’sconceptofshockpoints.Therecertainlyhavebeensomeinmylife.Mydivorcefrommyfirsthusbandwasabigleap into the abyss, as in Castaneda’s image of jumping off acliff.Another shock point was dealing with a serious accident mypartnerhad,takingcareofhimoveralongperiodofrecovery.AnotherwaslearningabouttheEnneagram,becomingawareofitsimplicationsformyownlife.PriortothatI’dassumedeverybodythoughtthewayIdidandwasawareofrightandwrong,thatpeoplecouldn’tbegoodifthey didn’t do what was clearly right.It never occurred to me thatothersmighthaveadifferentfocusofattentionthanIdo.Thatopenedup the question, If I couldbe somistakenabout theway theworld is,couldInotbemistakenaboutagreatmanyotherthings?

The transition in my career, although more gradual, was alsosomethingofashock–fromearningalivingasanactresstoamiddle‐agecareerasaneditorandawriter.Itwasatransition,certainly,intoseeingmyself quite differently, into a sense of security about havingmastered certain skills, which are a littlemore difficult to pin downwhen you’re an actress. There are certainly skills and techniques Ilearned,butmysecurityasaneditorandasawriterisalotfirmer.IfI

Somebody?Nobody?byMaryBastandCJFitzsimons

6 

havesomethingtosay,Ihaveafairamountofconfidenceinmyabilitytosayitwithclarityandacertainamountofeloquence.

WhenIwasinmyFourperiod,mostofmyreallybadsufferingshadtodowithromanticfixations.Asateenager,asacollegestudent,eveninmyadultlifeuntilmylatethirties,therewereepisodesofbeingleftby or being rejected by, or not having interest from a person I wasfixatedon.Itwasobsessional,notbeingabletoletgoofhurtandreallyfloggingmyownsufferings.AndafairamountofthepoetryIwroteatthis timewas celebrating thatkindof suffering.I lookback at it nowand I think, Boy, that personwas really in a badway!I'm not thereanymore,yetIrememberandsympathize.

IthinktheOneatFourisverydifferentfromtheFouratFour.TheOne at Four is combining the obsessive‐compulsive aspect with theself‐pity, the self‐dramatization, a habit of melancholy, mentallyplayingwith the ideaof suicide. Inever seriously consideredsuicide,buttherewereafewtimeswhenIthought,Oh, ifitgetstoobadIcanalwaysdothat.Inevermadeanykindofplan,letaloneanattempt,butIwaswretchedlyunhappyforyearsatatime.IthinkthefairlyhealthyOneisfocusedverymuchontasks,onmeaningfulwork,andI’dlostmygrip in termsof focusonmycareer.Icoasted,didauditions,did jobs,butdidn'thaveanyintelligentplanoraveryintelligentattitudeaboutit.Iwasjustfixatedonallthisstuffthatwasgoingroundandroundinmymind.Itfinallygotwornout.It’slikeplayingarecordoverandoveragain;eventuallyyouwearoutthegrooves.Psychologistswouldcallitanextinctionprocedure.Youeventuallyextinguish the thingbygoingoverandoveritsomanytimes,itwearsitselfoutonsomelevelthat'spsychologicalbutfeelsphysiological,too.

A number of factors have led tomy growing up.The first was tomeet my partner – far and away the most important factor in myevolution, partly because Iwas terribly insecure aboutmyself, aboutmyvalue,myattractiveness,allofit.We’reallchangedbylove.Andthefact that this absolutely wonderful man could not only love me butkeeponlovingmeunconditionallyhadtochangeme. It’sbeenaveryrich relationship, and he’s changed a lot, too.Not that I’ve had anyprogramtochangehim,but I’veseenashift inhim frombeingmuchmoresuspiciousandnegativeaboutromance,toreallyblossomingandbecoming farmorecreative.We’venotdoneanyprogramofworkingon the relationship. It’s just having a really loving friend whom youknow has your interests at heart and is truly on your side.We have

Chapter1

7 

wonderfulconversations.He’sinfavorofmybecomingmybestselfasI conceive that andIwant him to be the best self he can conceive ofbeing.AndIwanttohelphimbethat.

Becominginvolvedwithregularmeditationhasbeenahugefactorintermsofgettingapictureofmyownmonkeymind,thewayitracesaroundandgoesin15directions.IwasbeginningtohavesymptomsofanulcerandI’dreadwell‐foundedscientificevidencethatmeditationhadeffectsoncertainphysiologicalpatterns,and I thought,MyGod!Iamreallygoing inabaddirectionhere.I’vegot to findawayoutof itandhere’sa technique.I’mgoing todo it! So I took a TranscendentalMeditationcourseandhavebeendoingregularmeditationeversince.Not that I feel I’ve gotten good at meditation, but it’s given memoments of clarity where I can see myself. And it’s also givenme astrongsensethatthere’snotanendtolifewithdeath–thatthereisaconsciousnessthatisfixedandgoesonbeyondthebody–becauseI’vehad a real sense of separate consciousness.As a result of myexperience with meditation, the personality also seems to me agarment thatwe put on, like the body. I came to that belief before IeverknewtheEnneagram.AndtheEnneagramseemstoreinforcethatourpersonality,ourfixations,ourpreoccupationsarealsogarments.

Bodyworkhasbeenanotherreally importantfactor inmakingmeaware of my own process, a fabulous way of coming to look at theanger Ones tend to deny – neo‐Reichian work, bio‐energetics, anyexercises that involve bringing up anger; something as simple aspounding a pillow that brings up a lot of rage, and then pain andsadness.I used to think, pre‐meditation, that if I ever let my angerescape, itwouldbethisvolcanothatwoulddevastatethecountrysideformilesaround!Especiallythroughthebodywork,Ilearnedtherearewaystoreleaseitandyoudon’tdevastatethecountryside,noonedies,andnotragedyoccurs.Soyoucometoallowthelidtorestalittlemorelightly on the pot. You’re not pushing it down so hard for fear thecontentswillexplode.It’snotquitesuchapressurecooker.I’mmoreintouchwithmyangerthanIwaswhenIwasyounger.I’mawarewhenitcomes up, I don’t always squash it; I sometimes at least let it beexpressedonewayoranother.

A vivid insight for me was the pattern created by imbalance ofcentersasconceivedbyRisoandHudsonfortheOne–thatthemovingcenter is inadequate, so one flogs it with feelings, using the feelingcenter to enhance, tohype, toaddwattage to themovingcenter.The

Somebody?Nobody?byMaryBastandCJFitzsimons

8 

thinkingcenterisofftothesideuninvolvedinthislittledrama.Itmademe suddenly aware of this pattern in my work life, where I’d donenothing to avoid situations in which I’d have a grievance withsomeone,thushaveanexcusetogetangry,andtheangerwouldallowme to separate from them and go off to do creative projects on myown.I thought,Oh,myGod, this isappalling! I’dneverdoubted that Ihavepassionate feelings;butthefactthatI’dusedthemtogetmyselfintomotion–toenhancewhatIperceivedasinadequatewillpower–shockedme.

Iaskedmyself,DoIreallyneedtofollowthispattern?Istheresomeotherway?Could some fuelother thanangergetme inmotion?And Ianswered,Yes,there’s love!AndI lovewhatI'mdoing.Is itnotpossiblesimplytoallowthatlovetocarrytheday?

Findinglifeworkformyselfhasbeenatremendoushelpinfocusingmyenergies.It’ssolovelytofindtheworkyouwereborntodo.Allthedisparate experiences that seemed so unconnected suddenly all fittogether.Mywork as awriter, a teacher of English, an actress, eventhingsIloatheddoingatthetimetomakealiving–liketelemarketing– turned out to have an integral part in this combination of skills,abilities,andsensitivitiesIneedtodotheworkIwanttodo.I’mdoingitforlove,anditfeelsveryfreeing.

As a child I felt extremely inept socially, feeling thatnobody likedme.IreadabouttheSocialFourfeelinglikeanoutsider,andthatFour‐ishaspectwas there.Although Ididhavea fewgood friends, Ididn’thave many friends, didn’t really know how to play the game.As anadult it’s a skill I’ve cultivated.I have a good network of friends andI’vemade a strong effort to help themmeet each other and supporteachother.Iorganizedawomen’sgroup thatmeetsonceamonthorso.I’ve learned how to be a friend and so, not surprisingly, I havefriends.Onescanbeverymuchintheirfixation,rigidwiththemselvesandrigidintheirexpectationsofothers.I’maSexualOneandone‐to‐one relationship is particularly important for me, but I thinkfriendships are important for any One, where you are accepted notbecauseyou’reperfectbut justbecauseyou’reavaluableperson,andyoucome toacceptotherpeoplenot justbecause they’reperfectbutbecausetheyarewhoevertheyare.

FormelearninghowtobeafriendhascomepartlyoutofwatchingtheamazingmanIlivewith,hisskillswithpeople,hisempathy,andhiseasyconnectionwithpeople,gettingasenseofhismindset,hisheart

Chapter1

9 

setthatallowshimtomakethatconnection,andseeinghimmakethatconnectionwithme.

These changes have not been so much an idea of “working” onmyselfashavingbeenblessedwithsituationswheretherewasinsightabout thepatterns,usually througha fairamountofpain.I thinkofaworkshopwhereIwentthroughalltherejectionandtheinsecurity,re‐living all I haddealtwith inmy childhood andmy youth. It all cameback,andIwasjustwretched,andthentherewasawonderfulsenseofclarityaboutthatpattern.Butit’snotbeenOh,I’mgoingtofixXinmypersonality.Idon’tseeitasaprogramofwork,ascheduleofsomethingI’mgoingtoaccomplishbydateX.I’veneverworkedonmyselfinthatway.It’smore, If Ican justremainaware, if Icanallowthe insightstocomeinwhenthey’reavailableandthenactonthem.

”Impeccability” is aword thatmeans a lot tome. I remembermymother saying, “If a thing isworth doing it'sworth doingwell,” andthatalwaysseemedtometobetrue.Itdrivesmecrazyifmypartnerjustthrowstogethermakinghisbedandit’sallmessy.Itakethetimeand the care to do it right.He’ll wash the dishes and there will begrease all over the dishes.When Iwash the dishes, they’rewashed.Itrynottogetonhiscase,to lethimbewhoheis.ButthenIsneakinanddothebedright.IfigureIneedtotakecareofthingsthattroublemeandnotexpecthimtotakecareofthem,becausehedoesn’tvaluethem.

That’s an interesting vignette of theway things have shifted.As achildmysisterandIwereexpectedafterdinnertowashthedishes.Mymother had cooked dinner and it was not an unreasonable thing toexpect,but Iabsolutelyhated itand feltoppressed.Idid itall right, Isuppose,butIwasn’tparticularlyconsciousoftakingcarewithit.NowIalmostenjoywashingthedishes.There’sameditativequalityofdoingthetaskinanefficientwayandasimpleway.

I think of Feldenkrais awareness through movement, which isanother experience that has given me insight into exactly the rightamount of energy for a task.It’s a great aesthetic pleasure to knowwhenyouopenadooryoudon’tneedtoturntheknobsohard,buttohaveconfidenceofexactlytherightamountofeffort.

TheFeldenkraisworkwas important in coming tounderstandmyphysical capabilities. As a child Iwas given lessons in ballet and tapdancingandacrobaticsbecauseIwasfairlyawkward.Idon’tmeantosuggestIwasdisabled,justabitawkward.Whenyoudothiswork,you

Somebody?Nobody?byMaryBastandCJFitzsimons

10 

becomeawareofeffortfulness inspheresthataren’tevenphysical. Inwriting, for example, it doesn’tworkwhenyou try.A relationship, insomeway,doesn'tworkwhenyoutry;itworkswhenyouclearthingsaway and allow the goodness in both of you to be there.My partnerandIhavehadfights,Godknows,butthetryingthinghasbeenarealbane of my life. To stop effortfulness stops flogging the will withemotion, stops theoverkill –whichwasonly takingplacebecauseofinsecurity.

AverygoodexperienceformewasJuliaCameron’sTheArtist’sWay,a twelve‐week program exploring your own pleasure and joy increativity–not just inart,butanartist’sviewof theworld.With theOne’sdisciplineandfollow‐through,Ididalltwelveweeks,allshesaidtodo,anditwasawonderfulexplorationofmyownjoyincreativity,ameldingoftheFourandSevenbarriers.

So all these pieces have said, See, there is a different way to dothis.AndI’veallowedmyselftoexperiencethedifferentwaysandseethey are indeed more impeccable.At the end of a workshop I onceattended, we talked about a mantra for the One to improve thepossibilityofilluminationorgrowth.There’sasenseinOnesthatifwedon’tworkreallyhardatit,itwon’tbeenough;trustingtheenoughnessof our own gifts and respecting them is very difficult.So I came upwith,“Letitbe.”Justletitbe,lettheprocessworkthroughyou,don’ttrytoworkitbutletitspossibilitiesinhabityou.

I was in a point group in a Palmer workshop on defensemechanisms,andwetalkedaboutexerciseswemightdeviseforOnestohelpusbecomeawarewhenwe’reinourfixation.Idevisedonethatif someone asks a question and you know the answer, to not sayanything,tositwithyourownrightnesswithoutneedingtoadvertiseit.AttheendofoneofNaranjo’sworkshopsheaskeduswhatexercisewecouldset forourselves thatwouldbe in thedirectionofvirtue, intheOne’scaseserenity.Idevisedformyselftotakeonedayaweek,andonthatdaytogivenooneanyunsolicitedadvice.

Whoknowswhetherthisistrue,butmyhypothesisisthatwe’reputhere to learn certain lessons.We undergo a number of lifetimes, lifeexperiences, and in the course of these lives we get to be differentEnneagramstyles,differentgenders,andprobablyalotofotherthingsthataredifferent:thephysicalbodieswegettolivein,differentkindsofvocations.Andwe’reputheretolearnwhateveritiswe’remeanttolearninthatcycle.I’mnotsureweevennecessarilyneedtoknowwhat

Chapter1

11 

itis,orknowthatwe’velearnedit.Ifwedon’tlearnitthistimearoundwe’ll be brought back in at least as challenging a situation that willforceustolearnthesamething.Andwe’llhavetokeepgoingarounduntilwelearnit.Thentheregetstobesomepeace,someserenity.Youarethedropintheoceanandyoudissolveandbecometheocean.

Soforeachofusthereisapath.TheEnneagramisanamazingtoolforcomingtounderstandtheterrain.Youhavetogooutandstruggleagainst your circumstances, your environment, everything you comeinto this world to be in the middle of, and having this map of theterrain canmake it a little bit easier to fight the battles you have tofight.Iwouldn’tbeabletolayoutmyownpathforyou.It’sextremelycomplex. In a sense the task for all of us is learning to loveunconditionally, inourdifferentwaysandwithourdifferentbarrierstothat.

The One saysUnless I’m rightand good I cannot either love or beloved,andthisisnottrue,ofcourse.TheOnesaysI’mgoingtoperfecttheworld, and the little voice inside saysWait aminute,maybe it’sperfectasitis.IfIdoputoutaprogramformyself,itistobeabletobemorekindtopeople.Andkindness,maybe,meanssomethingdifferentthanitwouldhavemeanttomeinthepast.Itdoesn’tnecessarilymeanhelpingthempersistintheirfollies.Itmayjustmeanbackingawayandofferinglovewithouttryingtogetintheirway.

Butwedon’texactlyknowwhereourpathsleaduntilwegetthere,andIthinktryingtolayoutaprogramforone’sownpathisarrogant,pretentious,andself‐important.Basically,Idon’tthinkwehaveaclueuntilmaybetheendwhenwegetthere.Ordon’t.Therearemoments,perhaps, of awareness.I’ve been given many gifts to help me learnthingsI’mgladtohavelearned.Whetheranyofthosewasthething,Idon’tknow.

Somebody?Nobody?byMaryBastandCJFitzsimons

12 

EverythingHasSanctity–Kevin’sStory

Tome,transformationispartofmygrowthprocessasaperson,notmodifyingwhat’stherebutgivingupwhatwasandputtingthepiecestogether in a completely different fashion. It means surrendering,givingupwhatIfeltwasimportantbefore.Andit’sajourneyinfitsandstarts.I can get bogged down.Usually, I’m already down the roadbeforeIrealize,Oh,that’swhatthatwasallabout!Andthat’soneofthebeautiesofit:ifyoufunctioninthehere‐and‐nowyouaren’tcognizantofchange.Wedon’thavetoknowandwereallydon’tknow,becauseifwe spend all our time thinking,Gee,whatdoes thismean?Whatwillhappen if I do this? then we thwart ourselves from actually doingsomething.

Coming into this opennesswas a revelation forme. Iwasn’t evenawareof ituntilmychildrensaid,“Hey,Dad,you’redifferent!”ThenIreflectedonitandrealized,Yeah,Iamdifferent.Iframethesechangesin termsof being anEnneagramOne, the acceptanceof less thanmyvision of perfection.I’m more open about myself and more open tolisteningvs.pontificating.Andwiththat,andprobablymorepertinenttoshowingmyselfandbeingavailable,istoacknowledgetheworthofpeople.

This goes back to my upbringing, because to excel wasexpected.Thatwasnotbecauseofsuperiorbackgroundasfarasfamilyposition or wealth. My father was a tailor and my mother a cook. Ispentthefirstsixyearsofmylife–besidesathome– livingwithmymother in the house where she was a domestic. I saw the fruits ofsuccess.Theyweremine toenjoy to someextent,because thepeoplemymotherworkedforthoughtIwasanicelittleboy.AtthesametimeI’d be helping my mother polish furniture. When I was nine to tenyearsoldwespenttwosummersinVermont,wheremyMomandDadwere the summer help for a couple of spinster sisters who ran aboardingschoolandwhoserelativeswouldoccasionallyvisit.Someoftheir grandkids were my age.They wanted to play and I wanted toplay,butIwassupposedtobecuttinggrass.Iwasalittlebittickedoffatthat,thatIcouldn’tplaywiththeotherkids,butatthesametimeIremember an off‐hand comment from one of the members of thefamily,“Whatthehellishedoinghere?”Sothatwasawake‐upcall:Oh,youreallyaredifferent.That’sbeenpertinentthroughoutmylife.

Chapter1

13 

I was an only child and the community around me was mostlySlavic.Hungariandomestics.We lived inNew Jerseyandworked inatown of wealthy people.So we’d have a big crowd at the house onThursdays and Sundays,whichwas the day off formy relatives.Thefamily environment was very rich, very European.We had lots ofextendedfamilyanditwaswonderful,exceptthatmyfatherdiedwhenIwas12.By the time Iwas14yearsoldmymotherwasdeferring tome. Iwas the “man,”whichmademe growup quickly.Fortunately anewkidmovedintotheareawhenIwas16or17andI latchedontohisfather.MyfriendwouldbeoffwithotherguysandI’dhangaroundwith his dad, who in retrospect was a surrogate father.It was veryhelpful for me, and my mother supported it, so there wasn’t anyconflict.

Looking back over my life, the most significant change has beenallowing myself to come out of my shell and, consequently, lettingotherpeoplein.Iwasverymuchachildofthefiftiesinmymarriage.Iwasduty‐boundanddecidedI’dmademybedandwasgoingtosleepinit.InthatwayIwasagoodfatherandagoodhusband.Butinotherways I was probably a bad father and especially a bad husband,becauseIwasveryanxioustochangemywifeintowhatIthoughtthebusiness person’s wife should be. I had no idea what I was talkingabout, but therewere examples that appealed tome.Mywifewasn’tthat,andshestillisn’t.Thewayshedressed,andhervaluesystemissorightandit’sneverchanged,butitwasn’tthevaluesystemIsawinthewives of my business associates, the ones who were gettingahead.FromwhereIcanseenow,itwassuperficialnonsense,andmywife didn’t want any part of it. She hung in, she outlasted me! Ourfavoritesayingnowis,“Divorce,never;murder,yes!”

I changed to her side of the fence, and some of that is taking thetime to look at this woman I was living with and realizing, She’sright!Her journey started probably 25 years beforemine did, so I’mplaying real catch‐up ball. Something in me finally surrendered.Buttherewasaninterimperiodwhereitwasreallyroughforher,becausemyreactionwas, Ifyouwon’tchange,tohellwithyou. Iwasalwaysasales person, and I inherited a job from a guy who was retiring.Wantingtochangemywifehaditsgenesisbeforethen,butreallycameinto focus at thatpoint.Therewas aperiodof timewhen I seriouslyconsideredmoving to the wealthier part of town, but it never cameaboutbecausethekidswereallinschoolandwhenwethoughtaboutit

Somebody?Nobody?byMaryBastandCJFitzsimons

14 

even slightly seriously, we said, “Let’s wait until the kids are out ofgrammarschool.Let’swaituntil…”Soitnevercameabout.

Ifwehadmade themove, Iwouldhavehad to associatewith themoversand shakersbutworkonaday‐to‐daybasiswith theguys inthemill.Bykeepingmydistance geographically I couldmanagebothendsverywell.ButthiswasatimewhenmywifechosenottochangeandIexcludedherfrommostofmyactivities.Itookgreatpains,fromabusinesspointofview,tolookatWherecouldshefit?Wherecouldshebehelpful?Andthenslowly,overtime,Wherewouldsheenjoybeing?Iwasstartingtoconsiderher.

Like most changes, I’ve looked over my shoulder and said,Oh, isthatwhat thatwas all about? I don’t remember consciously makingthat effort at the time. Being purposeful is not something I’ve doneexcept in the past ten years.That was triggered when I becamepresident of the company I’d joined in 1979. Then in 1989 thecompany we primarily represented canceled our contract and hiredour twobestsalesmentowork for them.So Iquickly lost75%ofmyincome, which gave me food for thought. I assumed the biblicalsparrowapproachtolife.They’reclothedandthey’refed,we’llmakeit.Iceasedtobeconcernedaboutourfinancialfuture.

My wife probably helped save my sanity and also got me onto awhole different track, put a different purpose into my life: toconsciously be about my own spiritual development, my ownjourney.There were fits and starts, and I don’t know when the realtransformation began.I know the groundwork was being laid for alongperiodof time,but it tookmeahell of a long time to get into apostureofsurrenderinsteadof,“Yes,but…”

Theareathatcomestomind,especially,istheconsciousefforttobeopenwithmywifeandmykids,anactiveemotionalparticipant.Thatmeantmy expression of gratitude, of happiness, of joy in them.Thatwas foreign to them, I’msure,because I’dneverdone it.Therewasalittle voice inside saying, Quit screwing around, playing games andwithholdingyourself.Bereal!

Idon’tthinkyoucanorganizeaprimerandsay,“Thesearethestepsto accepting yourself and others as you are and this is how it willhappen.”Becauseyouhavetosurrendertoyour lifeexperiences,andthattakespatience,sothatthey’llfitintothenewjigsawpuzzleyou’reputtingtogether.Nothavingto fixeverythingmeans itwillhappeninitsowngoodtimeifyougiveitachance.

Chapter1

15 

It’saparadoxthattheonlywayformetotransformistobeinthehere‐and‐now,tonothavetofixmyselforanyoneelse.Andthat’sthefunof it, to listen, to absorb, to giveup, tohave thepatience towaituntil a thingmatures, and then to have the pleasure of looking overyourshoulderandsaying,Oh!And there’snoend to it, it’sconstantlychanging.WhatIthoughtwasanOh!sixmonthsagoImayormaynotthinkisanOh!anymore.Toofferaformulaforchangeisabhorrenttome.Toofferahow‐to‐dobookmightbefineinbusinesspractices,butit’s no way to live a life, because peoples’ experiences aredifferent.Every view is a point of view, and if I don’t have a landingfieldtoacceptwhatyou’resaying,youmayaswellnothavesaidit.Orif you’ve said it and it lands on the wrong landing field, I have acompletelydifferentresponsefromwhatwasintended.

Joseph Campbell influenced my more universal thinking, myopenness,theimportanceofmythandmetaphorinourlives.It’sreallyfreeingbecauseIcanaccepttheuniversalityofalllifeandthesanctityof all life. It put a big exclamation point, beyondwhat I had alreadycometoconclude,thatmyreligionormyfaithdoesn’thaveacornerontruth at all.Other influences on me were generally associated withreligiosity –workshops, retreats, and so forth.I functioned for about25yearsintheLutheranchurchatthestatelevel,withresponsibilitieson the executive board of the Lutheran Church of America.I’ve beenprivytosevenoreightnationalconventions,andhaveseenthefeetofclayandthegoodstuffsimultaneously.Thatgavemeperspective.

Recently I had an atrial fibrillation and was in the hospital forcardiac conversion, which is electric shock with paddles, to get re‐booted,likeacomputer.Fibrillationiswhenthetoppartoftheheartisnot in synch with the bottom part of the heart. During the cardiacconversion,thecardiologistzappedmethreetimeswiththemaximumdosage.WhenIwokeupandheardthemonitor,thefirstwordsoutofmymouth were, “Oh, shit!”Because I was still fibrillating.They tookmebacktomyroomandwhenIwasaloneIprayed.Theextentofmyprayerwas,WhatdoYouwantmetodowiththisnow?Then,believeitor not, in about 2½ hoursmy doctors came shouting into the roomsaying,“You’veconverted!”Iwasbacktosinusrhythm,whichhappenssometimes but, in retrospect, what came out of that for me wasknowing it wasn’t a prayer of pissing and moaning, of Oh, isn’t thisawful!Youdidn’tdorightbyme.Itwasn’tbargaining; itwasasincere

Somebody?Nobody?byMaryBastandCJFitzsimons

16 

question:WhatamIsupposedtodowiththisnow?HowdoYouwantmetousethis?

OneoftheauthorsIenjoyisAndrewGreeley,whochatsonadailybasiswithGod.ForLutherans,prayerisarelationshipwithGod,wholoves you regardless. There’s no condition in which you’re notloved.Period.You can’t do anything to stop that except to turn yourbackonHim.If youwalkaway, youwalkaway.But as long asyou’rethere,webelievethereisarelationship,andthework,anythingyoudo,isnotoutofasenseofshould,buttosay,Thankyou.

A vignette comes to me about this patience thing. There was acollegereunionabout20yearsago.Ididn’tgo,butfilledoutafive‐pagequestionnaire.On the first run‐throughmy answers were automatic,and there was one question very near the end, “What is the mostimportantthingyouhavelearnedsinceleavingtheuniversity?”WhenIre‐read it I got to this question at the end and thought,Well, I'll bedamned.There were a lot of lines to fill in, but I had put oneword:patience.Thatwasit.Ithinkthatwasawake‐upcall.ThatwasthefirsttimeIconsciouslygaveitanythought.Iwasinmyfifties.

I had spent forty yearsdriving at least 30,000miles and Iwas anaggressive driver.By that Imean if Iwas going to turn into thenextlane,insteadoffallingbehindsomebodyI’dspeedupandgoinfrontofthem.Andiftherewassomeonedrivinglikeayahooinfrontofme,I’dget infrontoftheminsteadofhavingtoworryaboutwhattheyweregoing to do. And I didn’t like people who are self‐pitying, who arephony,whoenlist sympathywhen there’snothing sympathetic abouttheir position. That would cause me anger.When my kids said I’dchanged,thatchangewasawayfrombeingcriticalandnotexpressinggratitude for somethingwelldone.And I guesspartof that change isalso the freedom of emotion, open emotion – showingmy love, andexposingmyselfaswell.

Yes, it’s definitely being in the here‐and‐now, it’s definitelyovercoming ego, realizing I am not themost important thing in theworld.Everything,thetotalcreation,hassanctityinitsownplace. 

 

 

Chapter1

17 

Commentary

The overused gift of Style One is to be perfect. It’s the Ego’sway ofattractingattention.And theirs isagreatgift:who isperfect is reallysomebody!ThetwostoriesinthischapterillustratewhatcanhappenwhenpeopleofStyleOnemovebeyondthestoryEgoistelling.Whentheytransformtheneedtobeperfectintosomethingmuchmore.

Inthesestories,transformationispartofone’sgrowthprocessasapersonoranevolutionofconsciousness.There’sashiftnotonlyintheperson, but also in the understanding of the idea of transformation.EachoftheseshiftshelpsrelaxtheEgo’scontrol,somoreoftheinnatecan emerge in their lives. For Alison, the Enneagram reinforces theidea that our personality, fixations and preoccupations are likegarmentswecanputon–ortakeoff.

AcommontraitofpeopleofStyleOneistheneedtofixthemselvesandothers.ThisispartofEgo’sstoryoftryingtobeperfect. Alison’sexperience of relaxing Ego came through a series of what Gurdjiefflabelsasshockpoints.OneofthesewaslearningabouttheEnneagramand a dawning awareness of its implications for her own life. Beforethisshehadassumedeveryonehadthesameperceptionasshedidofrightandwrong,ofwhatittakestobegood,.Ithadn’toccurredtoherthatothersmighthaveadifferent focusofattention.Thisopenedhertothequestion,“IfIcouldbesomistakenaboutthewaytheworldis,couldInotbemistakenaboutagreatmanyotherthings?”

In moments when the Ego relaxes, people of Style One canexperience the virtue of Serenity, which JerryWagner describes as a“felt sense of integrity and completeness, a felt sense of ourselves asbeinggood.Serenityexistswhenwetrustothersandtheirprocess,andwhenwe trust the uninterrupted, uninterferedwith unfolding of theuniverse.”Kevinseesthisasallowinghimself tocomeoutofhisshelland, consequently, lettingotherpeople in. ForAlison, it is to givenooneanyunsolicitedadvice.

KevindescribeshisEgoarmorintermsofwantingtofixothers,ofbeingjudgmental.Hisstorychartstheprofoundmomentsthathelpedtorobthisneedofitsstrength.Itprovidesbeautifulexamplesofhow,whenEgo isrelaxed,apersonofStyleOnecanexperiencethehigherquality of Acceptance, an “acceptance of less than my vision ofperfection.I’mmoreopenaboutmyselfandmoreopentolisteningvs

Somebody?Nobody?byMaryBastandCJFitzsimons

18 

pontificating.Andwiththat,andprobablymorepertinent toshowingmyselfandbeingavailable,istoacknowledgetheworthofpeople.”

The gradual acceptance of his wife as she is, rather than theStepfordautomatonhetriedtomakeher,helpedtosavehissanityandinjectedadifferentpurpose intohis life,namely tobeabouthisownspiritualdevelopment,hisownjourney.

Today, Alison and Kevin describe in similarways how theymovebeyondthestory theirEgosare telling, illustratingahealthysenseofperspective of their role in the grand scheme of things.When in thehere‐and‐now,Kevinrealizeshe’snotthemostimportantthingintheworld.Everythinghassanctityinitsownplace.Outofthisspringstheimportanceofdevelopinganddeepeningtheexperienceofpatienceinhislife–themostimportantthinghelearnedsinceuniversity.

WhenAlisontranscendsherEgo’sneedtoperfecttheworld,alittlevoicesays,Waitaminute,maybeit’sperfectasitis.Outofthiscomesanabilitytobemorekindtoothers.Sometimesthiskindnessjustmeansbacking away and offering love without trying to get in the otherperson’sway.“Wedon’texactlyknowwhereourpathswill leaduntilwegetthere,andIthinktryingtolayoutaprogramforone’sownpathisarrogant,pretentiousandself‐important.Basically,Idon’tthinkwehaveaclueuntilmaybetheendwhenwegetthere.Ordon’t.Therearemoments,perhaps,ofawareness.I’vebeengivenmanygiftstohelpmelearn things I’m glad to have learned.Whether any of thesewas thething,Idon’tknow.”

BothKevin andAlison illustrate the power of transformation in apersonofStyleOne.

Threequestionstoponder: HowdoIexperiencetheneedtofixothersandfromwheredoesthisspringforth?

Whatismylife’swork?

WhendidIlastacceptmyselfasIam?