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RING TARDNER
Zone of Quietls this American humor? ls it a uhiff of literary
ammonisP Whatet:er it is, thisstory is more than an uccour of a
sick man and his nurse. Note the tone of thestory for snather nmple
of the comic spirit.
Recog.izing Clues to Character In " Tnne of Quiet " most of the
fun depends upon'our abilitv to judge chaacter. Ring Lardner never
tells you what to think about thenurse in his story, but you would
be dull indeed if you ffnished " Zone of Quiet " withthe wrong
impression of Miss Lyons. As you read, identify the clues you use
for judgingcharacter. Many of the stories in this book will require
you to judge characters far morecomplex than Nurse Lyons. If you
become aware now of the tools you use for judgingcharacter, you can
sharpen those tools for more demanding situations, in life as well
asin literature.
\nfttl'sid tle Doctor briskh.Y Y 'hors do vou feel?'Ob, I guess
I'm all righg" replied
e man in bed.'I'm still kind of drorv-sy, that's all."
" You rvere ulder the anesthetic anhour and a hal{. It's no
rvonder vouaren't wide awake yet. But you'll bebetter after a good
night's rest, and I'veIeft something with Miss Lyons that'llmake
you sleep. I'm going along now.Miss Lyons will take good care of
you."
" I m off at seven o'clock," said MissLyons. " I'm going to a
show with myG. F. But Miss Halsey's all right. She'sthe night floor
nurse, Anything yourvant, she'll get it for you. What can Igive him
to eat, Doctor? "
" Nothing at all; not till after I'vebeen here tomolrow. He'll
be better ofi
siout anrthing. Just see that he'skept quiet Don't let him talk,
and don'ttalk to him: that is, if vou can help it."
'Help itl" said \fiss Lyons. " Say,I can be old lady' Sphinx'
herself whenI *-ant to! Sometimes I sit for hours
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not alone- neither -
and never say alvord. Just think and ink. And dream.
" I had a G. F. in Balmore, whereI took mr. traininE; she used
to call meDummr'. Not because I'm dumb likesome people
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you know -
but becauseI'd siithere and not say nothing. She'dsav,'A penny
for your thoughts, Elea-nor.' That's my first name
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Eleanor."
1 Sphinx (sfingks): a large nd ancientstatue near the pyramids
in Egypt having thehead of a human being on the body of a1ion. The
Sphinx has the reputation of lookingwise but remaining silent.
,,Zone o Quiet " {rom Round, Up by Rig Lardner; copyright 1929
by Charles Scibner's Sons. Reprinted bypemision of the
publishers.26 sHoRT sroRIES
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" Well, I must run along. I'11 see youln the morning."
" Goodby, Doctor," said the man inbed. as he went out.
" Goodby, Doctor Cox," said \lissLlons as the door closed.
" He seems like an awful nice fella,"said Miss Lyons. " And a
good doctor,too. This is the first time I've been on acase with
him. He gives a girl credit forhaving some sense. Most of these
doc-tols treat us like they thought we were-\lormons 1 or
something. Like DoctorHolland. I was on a case with him lastg'eek.
He treated me like I was a Mor-mon or something. Finally, I told
him,I said, 'I'm not as dumb as I look.' Shedied Friday night."
" Who? " asked the man in bed," The woman; the case I r.as
on,"
said Miss Lyons." And what did the doctor say when
vou told him you weren't as dumb asvou look? "
" I don't remember," said Miss Lyons." He said, 'I hope not,' or
something.What could he say? Gee! It's quarterto seven. I hadn't no
idear it was solate. I must get busy and fix you up forthe night.
And I'll tell Miss Halsey totake good care of you. We're going
tosee 'What Price Glory?' I'm going withmy G. F, Her B. F. gave her
the ticketsand he's going to meet us after the showand take us to
supper.
" Marian -
that's mv G. F. -
she'scrazy wild about him. And he's crazyabout her, to hear her
tell it. But I saidto her this noon
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she called me up onthe phone
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I said to her, 'If he's socrazy about you, why don't he
propose?He's got plenty of money and no stringsed to him, and as
far as I can seeere's no reason why he shouldn'tmarry you if he
wants you as bad as
1 Miss Lyons doesn't mean Mormon. What.'ord is she confusing
with Mormon?
you say he does.' So she said mavbe hewas going to ask her
tonight, I toldher, 'Don't be silly! Would he drag mealong if he
was going to ask you?'
" That about him having plenf' ofmoney, though, that's a joke.
He toldher he had and she believes him. Ihaven't met him yet, but
he looks in hispicture like he's lucky if he's gettingtwenty-five
dollars a week. She thinkshe must be rich because he's in
WallStreet. I told her, I said, 'That being inWall Street don't
mean nothing. Whatdoes he do there? is the question. Youknow they
have to have janitors inthose buildings just the same like
any-where else.' But she thinks he's God orsomebody.
" She keeps asking me if I don't thinkhe's the best looking
thing I e\-er saw.I tell her ves, sure. but betn'een vouand I, i
don't believe anybody'd evermistake him for Richard
Barthelmess.'?
" Oh, say! I saw him the other day,coming out of the Algonquin!
He's the
e Richad Barthelmess: a popular moviestar at the time Ring
Lardner wrote this story.
RingLardner (1885-1933) was a success-ful sports writer who
became one of Amer-ica's most popular humorists. He studiedto be a
mechanical engineer, worked as alocal freight agent, bookkeeper,
andhandyman in a gas office, and ffnally, as apolice reporter. His
fictional series in theSaturdag Eoening Post of badll'
spelledletters between a White Sox pitcher andhis wife Florrie was
published as the bookYou Knoto Me, AI. Lardner's satire istopped by
sheer nonsense but below thatis a bitter hostility torvard
hypocrites andpeople of little or no sympathy towardothers. Before
Lardner died of heart dis-ease at forty-eight, he wrote a series
ofradio reviews for the New Yorker, ttnderthe by-line " No
Visitors, N. Y." and " Outfor Lunch, N. Y."
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best looking thing! Even better lookingthan on the screen. Rov
Steu'art,"
"What about Rov Steu'art? " askedthe man in bed.
" Oh, he's the fella I ri'as telling youabout," said \Iiss
Llons. " He's myG. F.'s B. F "
" \{avbe I m a D. F. not to know, butwould vou tell ne ..r-hat a
B. F. andC. F, are: "
"\\'e11. \'oLr 4r dumb. aren't you! "said \fiss Lvons. "-\ G.
F., that's a girlfliend. anC a B. F. is a bov friend. Ithought
ever'bodr- kneu- that.
" I'm going orit nos. and find \fissHalser- and teli her to be
nice to you.But maybe I better not."
" Why not? " asked the man in bed." Oh, nothing. I was just
thinking of
something funny that happened lasttime I was on a case in this
hospital. Itrvas the clav the r ran had been operatedon ancl he
s'as the best looking some-bodv r ou ever sa\\'. So then I u-ent
ofidutr I to1cl \fiss Halsev to be nice tohim. like I t'as qoing to
tell her aboutlou.
-\nd rl-hen I came back in themorninq he s'as dead. Isn't that
funny? "
'' \-err-l "
" \\iell." srid \liss Lyons, " did youhave a good night? You
look a lot bet-ter, any'wav. Hos"d vou like Miss Hal-sey? Did you
notice her ankles? She'sgot pretty near the smallest ankles Iever
saw. Cute. I remember one day Ty-ler
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that's one of the internes -
he saidif he could just see our ankles, mine andMiss Halsey's,
he wouldn't know whichrvas which. Of course we don't look any-thing
alike other ways. She's prettyclose to thirtv and
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well, nobody'dever take her for Julia Hoyt.' Helen."
" Who's Helen? " asked the man nbed.
1 |ulia Hovt: a stage star popular at thetin-re the story wirs
written.
28 sHoRT sroRrES
" WelI," said Miss Lgons, " did you haae a good
" Helen Halser'. Helen; that's her firstname. She was engaged to
a man inBoston. He was going to Tufts College.He was going to be a
doctor. But hedied. She still carries his picture withher. I tell
her she's silly to mope abouta man that's been dead four years.
Andbesides a girl's a fool to marry a doctor.They've got too many
alibis.
" When I marry somebody, he's gotto be a somebody that has
regular officehours like he's in Wall Street or some-where. Then
when he don't come home,he'll have to think up something betterthan
being 'on a case.' I used to usethat on my sister when we were
livingtogether. When I happened to be outlate, I'd tell her I was
on a case. Shenever knew the difierence. Poor sis!She married a
terrible oil can! But shedidn't have the looks to get a real
some-body. I'm making this for her. It's abridge table cover for
her birthday.
