Strengthening Relationships - Nova · PDF fileStrengthening Relationships: ... “I’m afraid you are going to judge me or get angry”) ... Jennifer arrives home from a work trip

Strengthening Relationships: Connection and Communication

CORNERSTONE PSYCHOLOGICAL SERVICES

Presenters: Brad Peters Katherine Wilson

Brad Peters, Psychologist

Katherine Wilson, Psychologist (Cand. Reg.)


Outline

What makes a Good Relationship?

Attachment Theory

Signs and Possible Causes of Relationship Problems

General Guidelines for Healthy Communication

Communication Map for Emotional Connection

Communication Quiz – Identify Missteps

General Q&A

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‣ Copy of tonight’s presentation will be on our website: www.cornerstoneclinic.ca


Disclaimer

The information we present in this talk is both general

and broad; it is not intended to, nor should, replace a

qualified mental health practitioner who is able to

assess your specific circumstances or situation, and

make appropriate judgments and recommendations.

What makes a Good Relationship?

“To love at all is to be vulnerable” - C.S. Lewis

Similar or compatible in terms of: physical attraction, values, ideals, beliefs, interests, hobbies, passions, life goals, etc.

As important as they might be in the beginning stages of a relationship, they are arguably less important when it comes to feeling emotionally connected and staying together.

Compatibility?

Attachment is a term that describes the quality of the emotional bond, initially between child and primary caregiver, and later in intimate adult relationships.

It serves as a reflex-like ‘template’ for how we deal with emotions and how we approach relationships

Intimate Adult Relationships are Attachment Bonds

Secure attachments: An individual is able to experience and express

emotions effectively … … and they experience their partner as

emotionally available, perceptive, & responsive. During times of stress or emotional vulnerability,

they look to their partner for physical and psychological support, comfort, and validation.

50-60% of adults will have a ‘secure’ attachment style (Hazan & Shaver, 1987)

Insecure attachments fall into 2 main categories


Anxious-ambivalent: Views relationships as uncertain and unreliable Anxious preoccupation with one’s partner & the

possibility of rejection Hyper-vigilant & hyper-responsive to social cues

(e.g. of criticism or disapproval), leading to impaired objectivity & premature attributions

Self-worth and acceptance is implicitly conditional: fear that they are not good enough as they are

May present as ‘clingy’ & demand frequent reassurance from their partner, or they may be excessively submissive, passive, overly-compliant, or controlling and manipulative in relationships


Dismissing-Avoidant: Minimization and avoidance of emotion by

engaging in defensive strategies including repression, distraction, intellectualization, rationalization, etc.

Extremely protective of independence; need for psychological distance, detachment, and control

Generally avoids vulnerability in relationships (will often appear emotionally unavailable to partners with a secure attachment style)

Reluctant to seek emotional support


Attachment categories are not diagnostic Having an ‘insecure’ attachment style is not in

itself pathological … although it may mean that someone is at greater risk of developing mental health problems (e.g. anxiety, depression), or relationship issues.

Attachment styles are probably best thought of as dimensional (as opposed to categorical). For example, one might be ‘mostly secure’ in attachment orientation, but have some ‘avoidant’ tendencies.

Brief Comments on Attachment

Attachment styles are generally stable over time (Pinquart et al., 2013), although ‘earned’ secure attachments are certainly possible (Odgers, 2014)

Research on Attachment

Describe greater relationship satisfaction and intimacy (e.g. Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007; Collins & Feeney, 2004)

Describe having more social supports and experience less life stress (Ditzen et al., 2008)

Research on Secure Attachment Styles

Describe higher levels of trust, commitment, and interdependence (Levy & Davis, 1988; Simpson, 1990)

View partners as warm, accessible, & responsive, as well as less idealized (Young & Acitelli, 1998)

Use more effective conflict-resolution strategies within their relationships (O’Connell & Mallinckrodt, 2000)

Are less satisfied in their relationship and less trustful of their partner (Levy & Davis, 1988; Simpson, 1990)

Are more likely to be pessimistic in attributions about their partner’s behavior, which is also linked to partner relationship dissatisfaction (Kimmes et al., 2015)

Research on Anxious-Preoccupied Styles

Are more prone to using problematic conflict tactics in their relationship (Creasey & Aimee, 2005)

Have greater cortisol reactivity to stressful situations (Smyth et al., 2015)

Less relationship satisfaction, low levels of interdependence and relationship commitment (Levy & Davis, 1988; Simpson, 1990)

Self-report less psychological distress after a relationship breakup (Simpson, 1990)

Have greater cardiovascular responses to relationship stress (Adlin, 1999)

Research on Avoidant-Dismissing Styles

Have less positive feelings toward cuddling in adult romantic relationships and parent–child relationships (Chopik et al., 2014)

Experience greater conflict in relationships and have less effective conflict-management skills (Creasey & Hesson-McInness, 2001; Creasey, Kershaw, & Boston, 1999)

You can be vulnerable with your partner: emotions are not just talked about, but can be felt in their presence

Feelings are validated: verbal and nonverbal acknowledgment that your feelings are important and matter to the other person

The Ideal Emotional Bond

Intersubjective resonance • You feel yourself being ‘felt’ by your

partner (intersubjectivity): experience that your feelings affect the other person (it moves them)

Emotion regulation: You go to your partner if stressed, worried, hurt, upset, angry, feeling dismissed, brushed off, etc. and it makes what you are feeling more bearable.

All of these things will influence relationship communication & degree of emotional connection

The Ideal Emotional Bond

“Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.”

- Charlie Kaufman

Signs and Causes of Relationship Dysfunction

Signs of Relationship Problems

Frequent arguing & cycles of miscommunication that go nowhere

Physical avoidance or distance Emotional avoidance or distance Lack of physical intimacy (sexual and

nonsexual) Partners frequently feeling angry, numb, or

detached Feelings for persons outside of the relationship

Frequent Causes of Relationship Problems

Insecure attachment strategies that we bring into the relationship

Inability to effectively communicate about emotions (perhaps due to above)

Frequent Causes of Relationship Problems

Previous breaches of trust, emotional ruptures, or relationship stressors that were never fully addressed or repaired

Repetitive and predictable cycles of maladaptive interaction that keep the relationship ‘stuck’

“A beautiful thing happens when we start paying attention to each

other. It is by participating more in your relationship that you breathe

life into it.” – Steve Maraboli

General Rules or Guidelines for Effective

Communication

Communication Rules & Guidelines – Overview

1. Your relationship is built on an emotional connection (unlike that with a boss, colleague, or acquaintance) 2. The things that you communicate about will often have some emotional

significance (you or your partner will have feelings about it)

3. It matters to you if your partner is hurt, upset, sad, feeling disrespected, unwanted, etc. (you feel something if this is the case)

Conclusion: It is important to explore and validate what your partner feels

Communication Rules & Guidelines

When expressing a feeling, you don’t need the equivalent of a ‘legal brief’ to defend your right to feel it.

We don’t always have rational

explanations for our feelings

“I know it makes no sense, because you are here right now, but I can’t help but feel like you don’t care to listen.”


Emotions can’t be wrong - they’re not ‘true or false’ in the same way as knowledge-based statements


Try to avoid “you” language and directives,

“You have to understand my position…” “You need to do this now…”

Also avoid “factual” statements, about either a situation, or your partner’s motives/intentions

“You always do this!” “You did this because…”


Perspectives and feelings are subjective (not objective) Remind your partner of this by using qualifiers so they are less likely to

‘disagree’ or get defensive:

“It seems like …” “It feels as though …” “I can’t help but sense that …”


If your partner expresses a feeling, don’t rationally interrogate it

“When did this happen?” “What exactly did I say?” “Give me an example … ”


Similarly, avoid dismissing what your partner is expressing by jumping to a debate about the supposed ‘facts.’

“No, that’s not what happened …” “No, I didn’t say that …” “You clearly misunderstood me …”


Sometimes when one’s partner is expressing a negative emotion, we may feel we need to say something useful or help to “fix” the problem.

But remember that listening, validating, and empathizing IS doing something


This is an attitude/intention; NOT a checklist of “to do’s”

So how can we understand our partner’s experience?

Communication Map

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, … when we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.” - Fred Rogers

Communication Map

2. Exploration of Feeling

3. Validation

4. Role Reversal

5. Resolution

1. Emotional

Orientation

Communication Map

The one who notices an emotional tone (either in themselves or suspects it in their partner) – draws attention to it and attempts to explore it with their partner.


3. Validation

4. Role Reversal

5. Resolution

1. Emotional

Orientation

Communication Map

The partner who is experiencing a feeling, does their best to express what they feel – both verbally and nonverbally, while their partner takes the role of ‘empathic listener.’


3. Validation

4. Role Reversal

5. Resolution

1. Emotional

Orientation

Communication Map


3. Validation

4. Role Reversal

5. Resolution

1. Emotional

Orientation

Is trying to track how their partner is feeling Is emotionally available Is temporarily putting their own judgments ‘on the shelf’

Is rephrasing what they seem to be hearing

Is engaging in some gentle questioning to deepen their understanding

Is ensuring that they validate how their partner feels

The Empathic Listener:

Communication Map


3. Validation

4. Role Reversal

5. Resolution

1. Emotional

Orientation

During Exploration of Feeling, the ‘feeling’ partner ought to:

Trust your partner and take an emotional risk

Express not just the words, but also feel what’s behind it

Make clear any obstacles that get in the way of being honest

(e.g. “I’m afraid you are going to judge me or get angry”)

Communication Map


3. Validation

4. Role Reversal

5. Resolution

1. Emotional

Orientation

What is VALIDATION? • Validation means that you can recognize and accept your partner’s

experience, feelings, and emotions as being valid and worthy of

acknowledgement

• Allowing yourself to be “moved” by this

• However – this does not mean that you have to agree with their

interpretation or experience

Communication Map


3. Validation

4. Role Reversal

5. Resolution

1. Emotional

Orientation

Partners reverse roles…

• Give the ‘empathic listener’ a chance to express their own

perspective, thoughts, or feelings

• The ‘feeling partner takes the role of ‘empathic listener’

Communication Map


3. Validation

4. Role Reversal

5. Resolution

1. Emotional

Orientation

Now what? Further conversation, and ultimately

resolution Not always linear – repeat steps 2-4

as needed Try to be patient with one another –

no one is perfect at this!

DISCLAIMER

Relationship communication is best improved from a ‘bottom up’ approach

Try not to use this information to criticize your partner

You are emotionally invested in the relationship – don’t expect to be able to

analyze it objectively

Quiz – identifying missteps Jennifer arrives home from a work trip. Steven greets her at the door, hugs her, and asks how her trip was. Jennifer answers “Fine…” without elaborating. She is quiet and not very enthusiastic. After a few minutes of this, Steven says angrily “Well obviously you are not very happy to see me – I guess you wish you were still on your trip!”.

Quiz – identifying missteps Greg: “Why am I always the one who is supposed to empty the dishwasher and take out the garbage? The worst part is that you don’t even seem to appreciate all the things I do around here.” Ashley: “We’ll, now you know how I’ve felt the last seven years, huh? Sucks, doesn’t it?”

Questions & Answers

Recommended Reading

References

Adlin, R. S. (1999, January). Attachment style differences in negative affect and cardiovascular arousal. Dissertation Abstracts International, 59, 3750.

Chopik, W. J., Edelstein, R. S., van Anders, S. M., Wardecker, B. M., Shipman, E. L., & Samples-Steele, C. R. (2014). Too close for comfort? Adult attachment and cuddling in romantic and parent–child relationships. Personality And Individual Differences, 69, 212-216. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2014.05.035

Collins, N. L., & Feeney, B. C. (2004). An Attachment Theory Perspective on Closeness and Intimacy. In D. J. Mashek, A. P. Aron, D. J. Mashek, A. P. Aron (Eds.) , Handbook of closeness and intimacy (pp. 163-187). Mahwah, NJ, US: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates Publishers.

Creasey, G., & Ladd, A. (2005). Generalized and Specific Attachment Representations: Unique and Interactive Roles in Predicting Conflict Behaviors in Close Relationships. Personality And Social Psychology Bulletin, 31(8), 1026-1038. doi:10.1177/0146167204274096

Creasey, G. & Hesson-McInness, M. (2001). Affective responses, cognitive appraisals, and conflict tactics in late adolescent romantic relationships: Associations with attachment orientations. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 48, 85-96.

Creasey, G., Kershaw, K., & Boston, A. (1999). Conflict management with friends and romantic partners: The role of attachment and negative mood regulation expectancies. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 28, 523-543.

Ditzen, B., Schmidt, S., Strauss, B., Nater, U. M., Ehlert, U., & Heinrichs, M. (2008). Adult attachment and social support interact to reduce psychological but not cortisol responses to stress. Journal Of Psychosomatic Research, 64(5), 479-486. doi:10.1016/j.jpsychores.2007.11.011

References

Hazan, C. & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524.

Kimmes, J. G., Durtschi, J. A., Clifford, C. E., Knapp, D. J., & Fincham, F. D. (2015). The Role of Pessimistic Attributions in the Association Between Anxious Attachment and Relationship Satisfaction. Family Relations, 64(4), 547-562. doi:10.1111/fare.12130

Levy, M. B., & Davis, K. E. (1988). Lovestyles and attachment styles compared: Their relations to each other and to various relationship characteristics. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 5, 439-471.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. New York: Guilford Press.

O’Connell Corcoran, K., & Mallinckrodt, B. (2000). Adult attachment, self-efficacy, perspective taking, and conflict resolution. Journal of Counseling and Development, 78, 473-483.

Odgers, A. (2014). From Broken Attachments to Earned Security : The Role of Empathy in Therapeutic Change. London: Karnac Books.

Pinquart, M., Feußner, C., & Ahnert, L. (2013). Meta-analytic evidence for stability in attachments from infancy to early aduldhood. Attachment & Human Development, 15(2), 89-218, DOI: 10.1080/14616734.2013.746257

References

Simpson, J. A. (1990). Influence of attachment styles on romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59, 970-980.

Smyth, N., Thorn, L., Oskis, A., Hucklebridge, F., Evans, P., & Clow, A. (2015). Anxious attachment style predicts an enhanced cortisol response to group psychosocial stress. Stress: The International Journal On The Biology Of Stress, 18(2), 143-148. doi:10.3109/10253890.2015.1021676

Young, A. M., & Acitelli, L. K. (1998). The role of attachment style and relationship status of the perceiver in the perceptions of romantic partner. Journal Of Social & Personal Relationships, 15(2), 161.

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Strengthening Relationships - Nova · PDF fileStrengthening Relationships: ... “I’m afraid you are going to judge me or get angry”) ... Jennifer arrives home from a work trip