Strengthening Relationships: Connection and Communication
CORNERSTONE PSYCHOLOGICAL SERVICES
Presenters: Brad Peters Katherine Wilson
Brad Peters, Psychologist
Katherine Wilson, Psychologist (Cand. Reg.)
CORNERSTONE PSYCHOLOGICAL SERVICES
Outline
What makes a Good Relationship?
Attachment Theory
Signs and Possible Causes of Relationship Problems
General Guidelines for Healthy Communication
Communication Map for Emotional Connection
Communication Quiz – Identify Missteps
General Q&A
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CORNERSTONE PSYCHOLOGICAL SERVICES
Disclaimer
The information we present in this talk is both general
and broad; it is not intended to, nor should, replace a
qualified mental health practitioner who is able to
assess your specific circumstances or situation, and
make appropriate judgments and recommendations.
Similar or compatible in terms of: physical attraction, values, ideals, beliefs, interests, hobbies, passions, life goals, etc.
As important as they might be in the beginning stages of a relationship, they are arguably less important when it comes to feeling emotionally connected and staying together.
Compatibility?
Attachment is a term that describes the quality of the emotional bond, initially between child and primary caregiver, and later in intimate adult relationships.
It serves as a reflex-like ‘template’ for how we deal with emotions and how we approach relationships
Intimate Adult Relationships are Attachment Bonds
Secure attachments: An individual is able to experience and express
emotions effectively … … and they experience their partner as
emotionally available, perceptive, & responsive. During times of stress or emotional vulnerability,
they look to their partner for physical and psychological support, comfort, and validation.
50-60% of adults will have a ‘secure’ attachment style (Hazan & Shaver, 1987)
Insecure attachments fall into 2 main categories
Intimate Adult Relationships are Attachment Bonds
Anxious-ambivalent: Views relationships as uncertain and unreliable Anxious preoccupation with one’s partner & the
possibility of rejection Hyper-vigilant & hyper-responsive to social cues
(e.g. of criticism or disapproval), leading to impaired objectivity & premature attributions
Self-worth and acceptance is implicitly conditional: fear that they are not good enough as they are
May present as ‘clingy’ & demand frequent reassurance from their partner, or they may be excessively submissive, passive, overly-compliant, or controlling and manipulative in relationships
Intimate Adult Relationships are Attachment Bonds
Dismissing-Avoidant: Minimization and avoidance of emotion by
engaging in defensive strategies including repression, distraction, intellectualization, rationalization, etc.
Extremely protective of independence; need for psychological distance, detachment, and control
Generally avoids vulnerability in relationships (will often appear emotionally unavailable to partners with a secure attachment style)
Reluctant to seek emotional support
Intimate Adult Relationships are Attachment Bonds
Attachment categories are not diagnostic Having an ‘insecure’ attachment style is not in
itself pathological … although it may mean that someone is at greater risk of developing mental health problems (e.g. anxiety, depression), or relationship issues.
Attachment styles are probably best thought of as dimensional (as opposed to categorical). For example, one might be ‘mostly secure’ in attachment orientation, but have some ‘avoidant’ tendencies.
Brief Comments on Attachment
Attachment styles are generally stable over time (Pinquart et al., 2013), although ‘earned’ secure attachments are certainly possible (Odgers, 2014)
Research on Attachment
Describe greater relationship satisfaction and intimacy (e.g. Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007; Collins & Feeney, 2004)
Describe having more social supports and experience less life stress (Ditzen et al., 2008)
Research on Secure Attachment Styles
Describe higher levels of trust, commitment, and interdependence (Levy & Davis, 1988; Simpson, 1990)
View partners as warm, accessible, & responsive, as well as less idealized (Young & Acitelli, 1998)
Use more effective conflict-resolution strategies within their relationships (O’Connell & Mallinckrodt, 2000)
Are less satisfied in their relationship and less trustful of their partner (Levy & Davis, 1988; Simpson, 1990)
Are more likely to be pessimistic in attributions about their partner’s behavior, which is also linked to partner relationship dissatisfaction (Kimmes et al., 2015)
Research on Anxious-Preoccupied Styles
Are more prone to using problematic conflict tactics in their relationship (Creasey & Aimee, 2005)
Have greater cortisol reactivity to stressful situations (Smyth et al., 2015)
Less relationship satisfaction, low levels of interdependence and relationship commitment (Levy & Davis, 1988; Simpson, 1990)
Self-report less psychological distress after a relationship breakup (Simpson, 1990)
Have greater cardiovascular responses to relationship stress (Adlin, 1999)
Research on Avoidant-Dismissing Styles
Have less positive feelings toward cuddling in adult romantic relationships and parent–child relationships (Chopik et al., 2014)
Experience greater conflict in relationships and have less effective conflict-management skills (Creasey & Hesson-McInness, 2001; Creasey, Kershaw, & Boston, 1999)
You can be vulnerable with your partner: emotions are not just talked about, but can be felt in their presence
Feelings are validated: verbal and nonverbal acknowledgment that your feelings are important and matter to the other person
The Ideal Emotional Bond
Intersubjective resonance • You feel yourself being ‘felt’ by your
partner (intersubjectivity): experience that your feelings affect the other person (it moves them)
Emotion regulation: You go to your partner if stressed, worried, hurt, upset, angry, feeling dismissed, brushed off, etc. and it makes what you are feeling more bearable.
All of these things will influence relationship communication & degree of emotional connection
The Ideal Emotional Bond
“Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.”
- Charlie Kaufman
Signs and Causes of Relationship Dysfunction
Signs of Relationship Problems
Frequent arguing & cycles of miscommunication that go nowhere
Physical avoidance or distance Emotional avoidance or distance Lack of physical intimacy (sexual and
nonsexual) Partners frequently feeling angry, numb, or
detached Feelings for persons outside of the relationship
Frequent Causes of Relationship Problems
Insecure attachment strategies that we bring into the relationship
Inability to effectively communicate about emotions (perhaps due to above)
Frequent Causes of Relationship Problems
Previous breaches of trust, emotional ruptures, or relationship stressors that were never fully addressed or repaired
Repetitive and predictable cycles of maladaptive interaction that keep the relationship ‘stuck’
“A beautiful thing happens when we start paying attention to each
other. It is by participating more in your relationship that you breathe
life into it.” – Steve Maraboli
General Rules or Guidelines for Effective
Communication
Communication Rules & Guidelines – Overview
1. Your relationship is built on an emotional connection (unlike that with a boss, colleague, or acquaintance) 2. The things that you communicate about will often have some emotional
significance (you or your partner will have feelings about it)
3. It matters to you if your partner is hurt, upset, sad, feeling disrespected, unwanted, etc. (you feel something if this is the case)
Conclusion: It is important to explore and validate what your partner feels
Communication Rules & Guidelines
When expressing a feeling, you don’t need the equivalent of a ‘legal brief’ to defend your right to feel it.
We don’t always have rational
explanations for our feelings
“I know it makes no sense, because you are here right now, but I can’t help but feel like you don’t care to listen.”
Communication Rules & Guidelines
Emotions can’t be wrong - they’re not ‘true or false’ in the same way as knowledge-based statements
Communication Rules & Guidelines
Try to avoid “you” language and directives,
“You have to understand my position…” “You need to do this now…”
Also avoid “factual” statements, about either a situation, or your partner’s motives/intentions
“You always do this!” “You did this because…”
Communication Rules & Guidelines
Perspectives and feelings are subjective (not objective) Remind your partner of this by using qualifiers so they are less likely to
‘disagree’ or get defensive:
“It seems like …” “It feels as though …” “I can’t help but sense that …”
Communication Rules & Guidelines
If your partner expresses a feeling, don’t rationally interrogate it
“When did this happen?” “What exactly did I say?” “Give me an example … ”
Communication Rules & Guidelines
Similarly, avoid dismissing what your partner is expressing by jumping to a debate about the supposed ‘facts.’
“No, that’s not what happened …” “No, I didn’t say that …” “You clearly misunderstood me …”
Communication Rules & Guidelines
Sometimes when one’s partner is expressing a negative emotion, we may feel we need to say something useful or help to “fix” the problem.
But remember that listening, validating, and empathizing IS doing something
Communication Rules & Guidelines
This is an attitude/intention; NOT a checklist of “to do’s”
So how can we understand our partner’s experience?
Communication Map
“Anything that’s human is mentionable, … when we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.” - Fred Rogers
Communication Map
2. Exploration of Feeling
3. Validation
4. Role Reversal
5. Resolution
1. Emotional
Orientation
Communication Map
The one who notices an emotional tone (either in themselves or suspects it in their partner) – draws attention to it and attempts to explore it with their partner.
2. Exploration of Feeling
3. Validation
4. Role Reversal
5. Resolution
1. Emotional
Orientation
Communication Map
The partner who is experiencing a feeling, does their best to express what they feel – both verbally and nonverbally, while their partner takes the role of ‘empathic listener.’
2. Exploration of Feeling
3. Validation
4. Role Reversal
5. Resolution
1. Emotional
Orientation
Communication Map
2. Exploration of Feeling
3. Validation
4. Role Reversal
5. Resolution
1. Emotional
Orientation
Is trying to track how their partner is feeling Is emotionally available Is temporarily putting their own judgments ‘on the shelf’
Is rephrasing what they seem to be hearing
Is engaging in some gentle questioning to deepen their understanding
Is ensuring that they validate how their partner feels
The Empathic Listener:
Communication Map
2. Exploration of Feeling
3. Validation
4. Role Reversal
5. Resolution
1. Emotional
Orientation
During Exploration of Feeling, the ‘feeling’ partner ought to:
Trust your partner and take an emotional risk
Express not just the words, but also feel what’s behind it
Make clear any obstacles that get in the way of being honest
(e.g. “I’m afraid you are going to judge me or get angry”)
Communication Map
2. Exploration of Feeling
3. Validation
4. Role Reversal
5. Resolution
1. Emotional
Orientation
What is VALIDATION? • Validation means that you can recognize and accept your partner’s
experience, feelings, and emotions as being valid and worthy of
acknowledgement
• Allowing yourself to be “moved” by this
• However – this does not mean that you have to agree with their
interpretation or experience
Communication Map
2. Exploration of Feeling
3. Validation
4. Role Reversal
5. Resolution
1. Emotional
Orientation
Partners reverse roles…
• Give the ‘empathic listener’ a chance to express their own
perspective, thoughts, or feelings
• The ‘feeling partner takes the role of ‘empathic listener’
Communication Map
2. Exploration of Feeling
3. Validation
4. Role Reversal
5. Resolution
1. Emotional
Orientation
Now what? Further conversation, and ultimately
resolution Not always linear – repeat steps 2-4
as needed Try to be patient with one another –
no one is perfect at this!
DISCLAIMER
Relationship communication is best improved from a ‘bottom up’ approach
Try not to use this information to criticize your partner
You are emotionally invested in the relationship – don’t expect to be able to
analyze it objectively
Quiz – identifying missteps Jennifer arrives home from a work trip. Steven greets her at the door, hugs her, and asks how her trip was. Jennifer answers “Fine…” without elaborating. She is quiet and not very enthusiastic. After a few minutes of this, Steven says angrily “Well obviously you are not very happy to see me – I guess you wish you were still on your trip!”.
Quiz – identifying missteps Greg: “Why am I always the one who is supposed to empty the dishwasher and take out the garbage? The worst part is that you don’t even seem to appreciate all the things I do around here.” Ashley: “We’ll, now you know how I’ve felt the last seven years, huh? Sucks, doesn’t it?”
References
Adlin, R. S. (1999, January). Attachment style differences in negative affect and cardiovascular arousal. Dissertation Abstracts International, 59, 3750.
Chopik, W. J., Edelstein, R. S., van Anders, S. M., Wardecker, B. M., Shipman, E. L., & Samples-Steele, C. R. (2014). Too close for comfort? Adult attachment and cuddling in romantic and parent–child relationships. Personality And Individual Differences, 69, 212-216. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2014.05.035
Collins, N. L., & Feeney, B. C. (2004). An Attachment Theory Perspective on Closeness and Intimacy. In D. J. Mashek, A. P. Aron, D. J. Mashek, A. P. Aron (Eds.) , Handbook of closeness and intimacy (pp. 163-187). Mahwah, NJ, US: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates Publishers.
Creasey, G., & Ladd, A. (2005). Generalized and Specific Attachment Representations: Unique and Interactive Roles in Predicting Conflict Behaviors in Close Relationships. Personality And Social Psychology Bulletin, 31(8), 1026-1038. doi:10.1177/0146167204274096
Creasey, G. & Hesson-McInness, M. (2001). Affective responses, cognitive appraisals, and conflict tactics in late adolescent romantic relationships: Associations with attachment orientations. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 48, 85-96.
Creasey, G., Kershaw, K., & Boston, A. (1999). Conflict management with friends and romantic partners: The role of attachment and negative mood regulation expectancies. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 28, 523-543.
Ditzen, B., Schmidt, S., Strauss, B., Nater, U. M., Ehlert, U., & Heinrichs, M. (2008). Adult attachment and social support interact to reduce psychological but not cortisol responses to stress. Journal Of Psychosomatic Research, 64(5), 479-486. doi:10.1016/j.jpsychores.2007.11.011
References
Hazan, C. & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524.
Kimmes, J. G., Durtschi, J. A., Clifford, C. E., Knapp, D. J., & Fincham, F. D. (2015). The Role of Pessimistic Attributions in the Association Between Anxious Attachment and Relationship Satisfaction. Family Relations, 64(4), 547-562. doi:10.1111/fare.12130
Levy, M. B., & Davis, K. E. (1988). Lovestyles and attachment styles compared: Their relations to each other and to various relationship characteristics. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 5, 439-471.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. New York: Guilford Press.
O’Connell Corcoran, K., & Mallinckrodt, B. (2000). Adult attachment, self-efficacy, perspective taking, and conflict resolution. Journal of Counseling and Development, 78, 473-483.
Odgers, A. (2014). From Broken Attachments to Earned Security : The Role of Empathy in Therapeutic Change. London: Karnac Books.
Pinquart, M., Feußner, C., & Ahnert, L. (2013). Meta-analytic evidence for stability in attachments from infancy to early aduldhood. Attachment & Human Development, 15(2), 89-218, DOI: 10.1080/14616734.2013.746257
References
Simpson, J. A. (1990). Influence of attachment styles on romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59, 970-980.
Smyth, N., Thorn, L., Oskis, A., Hucklebridge, F., Evans, P., & Clow, A. (2015). Anxious attachment style predicts an enhanced cortisol response to group psychosocial stress. Stress: The International Journal On The Biology Of Stress, 18(2), 143-148. doi:10.3109/10253890.2015.1021676
Young, A. M., & Acitelli, L. K. (1998). The role of attachment style and relationship status of the perceiver in the perceptions of romantic partner. Journal Of Social & Personal Relationships, 15(2), 161.