Sweet Potato City

8/12/2019 Sweet Potato City

1/38

SWEET POTATO CITY

"Pilot"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2014


2/38

Sweet Potato City

Half hour animated sitcom similar to South Park , Family Guy ,and The Simpsons

RECURRING CHARACTERS

Sylvester Walkers Family

Sylvester Walker - 10, intelligent, tech savvy, smart ass

Jay Walker - 37, fit, tough, military personality, obsessedwith "survival skills," insane

Michael Toyotas Family

Michael Toyota - 10, Japanese American (raised in America),serious, argumentative

Lisa Toyota (Michaels sister) - 9, Japanese American(raised in America), goody two shoes, know-it-all

Jenny Honda (Michaels mother) - 37, Japanese American (veryslight Japanese accent), pleasant, polite, has occasionalbursts of anger

Suzuki Honda - 78 (Michaels grandfather, Jennys father) -thick Japanese accent, believes in traditional Japanesevalues, usually combative, smoke a pipe almost nonstop

Carl Mathers -37 (Jennys live-in fiance) - redneck,alcoholic, inappropriate

Tommy Garbanzos Family

Tommy Garbanzo - 10, confrontational, mischievous, takecharge

Ronaldo Garbanzo (Tommys brother) - 2, surfer dude

Dennis Garbanzo (Tommys father) - 42, unintelligent, easilyduped, unusual

Janet Garbanzo (Tommys mother) - 38, British, thinks shesroyalty

Evander Holyfield Elementary School Staff

Principal Janitor Smith - 45, wacky, inconsistent behavior

Vice Principal Groundskeeper Jones - 40, black, educated,knowledgeable, frequently outraged


3/38

2.

Mr. Garner - 40, serious about education, but uses cocaineand hardly ever shows up to work

Mrs. Lewinsky - 30, spaced out, bizarre, talks about herperiod a lot

Other

Mayor Rothschild - 42, informal, practical, poised, handlespeople well

____

Pilot Episode

INT. SYLVESTERS BEDROOM - DAY

SYLVESTER (10) is asleep. JAY (37, fit) opens the door.

JAYWake up!

Jay walks over to the bed, grabs Sylvester, and drags him tothe hallway.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

JAYSurvival skills, lesson 173. Let meask you a question, son. Have youever drunk two quarts of your ownpiss?

SYLVESTERUh. No.

JAYWell. Today, youre gonna drinkthree quarts of your own piss.

SYLVESTERI dont think I want to.

JAYBut youre gonna.

SYLVESTERIsnt that child abuse?


4/38

3.

JAYLet me tell you a little somethingthat Abraham Lincoln said. He said,"Four score and seven years ago,when youre in the wild, sometimesits just you, a tree, and your

piss. Just the three of you. Andthats when you drink your piss."

SYLVESTERI dont think Abraham Lincoln saidthat.

JAYWell. It mightve been Spiderman.It doesnt really matter who saidit. What matters is that it makesperfect sense.

SYLVESTERUm. I gotta go. The school bus iswaiting outside for me, and youclearly didnt take any of yourpills.

JAYIts oh 600 hours. The school buswont be here for a long time.

SYLVESTERThen can I go back to sleep?

Jay hands him a lunchbox.

JAYPiss in your lunchbox.

SYLVESTERWhat?

JAYPiss in your lunchbox, and thentake it to school. Thats gonna beyour lunch.

SYLVESTERIs there anything else on the menu?Im not really a piss drinker.

JAYDrinking piss is a tradition in ourfamily.


5/38

4.

SYLVESTERYou mean grandpa drinks piss, too?

JAYYes. Because I make him drink it.

SYLVESTERHow is that a family tradition?Thats just you forcing your fatherto drink his piss.

JAYListen, son. Piss is the onlysource of an essential nutrientknown as urea.

Sylvester uses an iPad to bring up a Wikipedia page.

SYLVESTERUm. It says here that ureadefinitely isnt an essentialnutrient.

Jay takes the iPad, walks to a bathroom...

INT. BATHROOM - DAY

.. and flushes the iPad down a toilet. He walks back out.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

JAYComputers dont know anything abouturea, and they know even less aboutsurvival . No more iPads. From nowon...

Jay hands him a rock, knife, and sponge

JAY...you use a rock, a knife, and asponge.

SYLVESTERDo these connect to wifi?

JAYWifi my ass!


6/38

5.

INT. TOYOTA / HONDA / WILKINS HOME - DAY

MICHAEL (10, Japanese American with no accent), LISA (9,Japanese American with no accent, JENNY (37, JapaneseAmerican with slight accent), and CARL (37, redneck) areseated at a breakfast table.

CARLDamn foreigners! Anyone who wasntborn in this country should beshipped back to whatever horsecrapcountry theyre from--especially ifits one of those horsecrapcountries in Mexico, like ElSalvador, or Del Taco-door, orJapan. And lets not forget thatblue Gatorade is a Jewishconspiracy.

JENNYInteresting views, honey--althoughI do disagree with some of them,considering how Im from Japan.

LISAMom. Dont you think that you andCarl should break up?

JENNYWhy?

LISABecause he wants to send you to acountry thats 6000 miles away.

JENNYHoney. When a man and a woman arein a relationship, its natural forthem to disagree about some things.They might disagree about taxes, orthey might disagree about whatbrand of soap is best, or theymight disagree about whether one ofthem should be sent to a countrythats 6000 miles away.

MICHAELBut mom. He started an onlinepetition to have you deported.

JENNYMichael--thats just howrelationships work.


7/38

6.

SUZUKI (78, thick Japanese accent) walks in wearing aJapanese robe.

SUZUKI(to everyone)

Ohayou gozaimasu.

CARLYeah. "Ohio Godzilla Lassy" to youtoo, Mitsubishi.

JENNYCarl. My fathers name is Suzuki .You should know that by now,considering how the two of you havebeen living in the same house forthree years, and sometimes you wearhis underpants.

CARLWhat did I call him?

JENNYYou called him Mitsubishi. Andyesterday, you called him Godzilla.And the day before that, he wasPanda Express.

CARLHoney. Listen. (burps) I cant keeptrack of 100,000 different Japanesenames, like Im some sort ofMexican Rolodex.

JENNYYou only have to keep track ofone Japanese name: Suzuki .

CARLListen, babydoll. I dont have timeto learn Japanese right now. Imtrying to eat breakfast.

He opens a bottle of beer with his teeth, drinks the entirebottle in a few seconds, and burps.

CARLJenny. Will you marry me?

JENNYWere already engaged, Carl. Wevebeen engaged for three years.


8/38

7.

CARLWell when the hell are we gonna getmarried?

JENNYProbably never. Youve already

cancelled our wedding 173 times.

CARLWell lets get married today, rightbetween Judge Judy at 4, and JudgeMathis at 5. Mathematically, thatmeans well have the wedding at4:30. Send out the invitations--butdont invite my cousin Tommy, orhis cousin Carl.

JENNYUm. Honey. You are his cousin Carl.Remember, Carl?

CARLOh. Right. Im cousin Carl. Youknow what? On second though, letsnot get married today. Because at4:30, I want to watch The PeoplesCourt.

JENNYGreat.

SUZUKIAnother cancelled wedding. Thatmakes it 17 4 times.

CARLLet me ask you something,Yoshinoya.

SUZUKIMy name is Suzuki.

Carl drinks another bottle of beer, and then passes out.Five seconds later, he gets up and drinks another beer.

CARLLet me ask you something, Suzuki.Will you marry me?


9/38

8.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

15 STUDENTS are in class, including Sylvester, Michael, andTOMMY (10), as well as GEORGE (10) and LESLIE (10).

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITH (45) walks in wearing a suit and

holding a plunger.

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHClass. Mr. Garner isnt coming intoday. The substitute will be hereany minute.

JAMES HARRISON (36, big, muscular, black) walks into theclassroom, dressed in a football jersey.

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHOh--here he is. Class, this is Mr.Harrison.

JAMES HARRISONAlright, class. Its time to learnsome math.

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHActually, Mr. Harrison. Firstperiod is history.

James Harrison tackles Principal Janitor Smith.

JAMES HARRISONI said math!

He picks him up and throws him out the window.

A REFEREE throws a flag.

REFEREEUnnecessary roughness! 15 yardpenalty.

JAMES HARRISONOh--come on! That was a legal hit!That wasnt helmet-to-helmet!Explain to me how that washelmet-to-helmet!

SYLVESTERArent you James Harrison thefootball player?


10/38

9.

JAMES HARRISONHow did you guess?

SYLVESTERWell--youre wearing a JamesHarrison jersey, you just tackled

our Principal, and youre punchingTom Brady in the face.

Cut to James Harrison punching TOM BRADY in the face.

JAMES HARRISON(to Sylvester)

Oh. Right. I thought maybe you werejust some racist ass kid who thinksthat all big black men are JamesHarrison.

SYLVESTERNo. I dont think all big black menare James Harrison. Youre JamesHarrison, and that other big blackguy over there is Terry Crews.

JAMES HARRISONActually, thats my reflection in amirror, you racist son of a bitch.

A mirror shows James Harrisons reflection. In themirror, James Harrison resumes punching Tom Brady in theface, until Brady falls to the floor unconscious.

JAMES HARRISON(to Tom Brady)

Give me your wallet, sucka!

TOMMYUh--hes unconscious.

The Referee throws another flag.

REFEREEUnnecessary roughness. Punching inthe face. 15 yard penalty.

JAMES HARRISONOh--come on! Those were all legalpunches to the face!

SYLVESTERWhy are you our substitute teacher?


11/38

10.

JAMES HARRISONWhat? You think James Harrison istoo ignorant to teach a bunch ofsucka ass kids like you? You thinkIm uneducated, and I dont knowabout a squared, and b squared, and

multiplicitizations, and thehistory of 7-11, and the PeriodicTable of LMNOP?

SYLVESTERUm. I was just wondering why aprofessional football player is oursubstitute teacher.

JAMES HARRISONIts the offseason. During theoffseason, I teach fifth grade.

TOMMYThat makes no sense at all.

James Harrison picks up Tommys desk with Tommy in it, andhe tosses him and the desk out the window.

JAMES HARRISONAlright. Math. Lets learn it.There were 20 kids in thisclassroom, and then I threw one outthe window. How many kids are left,and how much do I want to killAdrian Peterson?

GEORGE (10)

GEORGEUm. There were actually 15 kidshere before you threw one out.

James Harrison picks up Georges desk with George in it, andhe throws them out the window.

JAMES HARRISONLike I was saying. There were 20kids in class, and then I threw twoout the window. Mathematically, howmany kids are left, and how much doI want to kill that sucka ass actorwho plays Sheldon on that sucka assshow The Big Bang Theory?

LESLIE (10) raises her hand.


12/38

11.

JAMES HARRISONWhat kind of a shoulder exercise isthat? If you want to build yourdeltoids, you gotta do militarypresses with a 700 pound barbell,and then punch Tony Romo in the

face.

James Harrison produces a barbell with plates out ofnowhere, cleans it to his shoulders, and quickly cranks outten reps of shoulder presses. Then he spots TONY ROMO, andpunches him in the face.

LESLIENo, Mr. Harrison. Im notexercising my shoulder. Im raisingmy hand.

JAMES HARRISONOh. My bad.

He picks up her desk and throws it out the window.

James Harrison looks at Michael.

JAMES HARRISONAsian boy.

MICHAELMy names Michael.

JAMES HARRISONYour name is Ching Chong ? What kindof a name is Ching Chong?

MICHAELI said Michael.

JAMES HARRISONListen, Ching Chong. I know thatjust because youre Asian, youthink you already know everythingabout math, and you think you donthave to listen during my mathclass. And youre absolutely right.

(to class)Class--why cant yall be more likeChing Chong? Hes a math genius.

(to Michael)Ching Chong--whats 24 plus 25?


13/38

12.

MICHAEL49.

JAMES HARRISON(to class)

Im not even gonna check to see if

Ching Chong is right. I know hesright. After all, all boys namedChing Chong know how to add 24 and25.

MICHAELMy name is Michael.

JAMES HARRISONStop acting up, Ching Chong.Otherwise Ill take away yourscholarship, and throw your Asianass out the window.

Tommy walks into the room, and starts dragging his desk backto its spot.

TOMMYYoure the worst substitute teacherever.

JAMES HARRISONHustle up!

Tommy speeds up and sits down.

JAMES HARRISONWhats your name, white boy?

TOMMYTommy. Whats your name, black man?

JAMES HARRISONJames.

TOMMYDeAndre ? What kind of a name isDeAndre?

James Harrison picks up his desk once again, and throws itand him out of the window.

JAMES HARRISONOK, class. That concludes your mathexamination. Everyone failed exceptfor Ching Chong.


14/38

13.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

DENNIS (42) is on a speakerphone.

MACHINE (V.O.)Thank you for calling TimeCom

Cable. Para espanol, press two. ForEnglish, primera numero uno, or doyour best Jerry Seinfeldimpersonation.

DENNIS(as Jerry Seinfeld)

Whats the deal with Corn Flakes? Imean, theres no corn, there are noflakes. Who are these people?

MACHINE (V.O.)For billing issues, press one. Toorder a new service, press two. Ifyoure having girl problems, I feelbad for you son--I got 99 options,but a bitch aint one. For techsupport, press three.

Peter presses three.

TECH SUPPORT (V.O.)(Texan accent)

TimeCom Cable. My name is Punjab.How can I help you?

DENNISTheres something wrong with mycable box. The gay guy from ModernFamily is on every channel.

(ON TV) INT. FAMILY FEUD SET - DAY

ERIC STONESTREETWelcome to Family Feud. Im yourhost, the gay guy from ModernFamily. Not the redhead--but theother gay guy.

AUDIENCE MEMBERYou mean the fat one?

ERIC STONESTREETNo. I mean the one who doesnt havered hair.


15/38

14.


TECH SUPPORT(V.O.)Alright. Ill send someone overthere.

The doorbell rings.

CABLE GUY (O.S)(Indian accent)

Cable guy! Im here to fix yourcable box.

TECH SUPPORT (V.O.)Is he there?

DENNISUh. Yeah. That was quick.

TECH SUPPORT(V.O.)Thats how we do things at thecable company.

DENNISNo its not.

TECH SUPPORT(V.O.)Oh yeah. Youre right. Well uh,tell the cable guy to come back onWednesday, between 9 and 5.

INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY

Michael, Sylvester, and Tommy at at a table. James Harrisonsits down with them.

JAMES HARRISONWhat you got for lunch, ChingChong?

MICHAELA turkey sandwich.

JAMES HARRISONWhat?! What kind of sushi is aturkey sandwich?

MICHAELIts not a kind of sushi. Its akind of turkey sandwich.


16/38

15.

JAMES HARRISONIs it made out of raw fish?

MICHAELIts made out of turkey.

JAMES HARRISONWhy the hell is your raw fish madeout of turkey, Chang Chung?

MICHAELMy name is Ching Chong . Actually,no. My name is Michael.

James Harrison grabs the sandwich out of his lunch bag, andtakes bite out of it.

JAMES HARRISONYou know what? Chinese turkey ispretty good.

He throws the rest of the sandwich into his mouth.

MICHAELIm Japanese . And the turkey isAmerican.

JAMES HARRISONWhats 98 plus 30?

MICHAEL128.

JAMES HARRISONDamn right it is! What else you gotto eat, Chang Chang?

TOMMYYou know, you can buy lunch in thecafeteria--you damn lunatic.

James Harrison slams Tommys head into the table.

JAMES HARRISONJames Harrison prefers homemadefood.

He looks into Tommys lunchbag.

JAMES HARRISONThat looks pretty good. What is it?


17/38

16.

TOMMYA baloney sandwich.

James Harrison grabs a napkin out of the bag, and startseating it.

JAMES HARRISON

Man! This baloney sandwich tasteslike napkin! Your mamma dont knowhow to make no damn baloneysandwich!

TOMMYUm. You just ate a napkin.

He takes the sandwich out of his bag.

TOMMYThis is the baloney sandwich.

JAMES HARRISONI know that! I was just making ajoke. What--you think JamesHarrison cant tell the differencebetween a baloney sandwich and anapkin? My momma didnt raise nofool.

He grabs the sandwich and takes a bite.

JAMES HARRISONThis tastes worse than the napkin!The next time I see your mamma,remind me to beat her ass.

He throws the rest of the sandwich in his mouth. He thentakes a bite out of the lunch table.

JAMES HARRISONMan--thats some good lunch table.Thats some of the best lunch tableIve ever had in my life. It coulduse a little hot sauce, though.

He takes a bottle of hot sauce out of his pocket, pours a

half bottle on the table, and takes another bite of it.TOMMY

You carry hot sauce in your pocket?

JAMES HARRISONWhat--you think just cause Imblack, I carry hot sauce in mypocket? Youre more racist than


18/38

17.

(points to Sylvester)this cracker kid over here.

(turns to to Sylvester)Cracker kid. What you got forlunch?

SYLVESTERUh--nothing.

JAMES HARRISONWhat do you mean nothing? You got alunchbox. What--do you mean to tellme that you brought a lunchbox toschool, with no lunch in it?

He opens the lunch box, and looks at the urine inside of it.

JAMES HARRISONWhose piss is this?

SYLVESTERIts, uh, mine.

TOMMYDude--why did you piss in yourlunchbox?

SYLVESTERUm. Our toilet isnt working.

TOMMYWell then whyd you bring the pissto school?

JAMES HARRISONHe brought it because hes gonnadrink his piss. Thats what I do,too.

He produces his own lunch box, and opens it to reveal hisurine.

JAMES HARRISONI got a lunchbox full of JamesHarrisons piss right here. Piss isnutritious. It contains anessential nutrient known as urea.


19/38

18.


The CABLE GUY (Indian, 45) rubs some Turtle Wax on a cablebox while Dennis watches.

CABLE GUYOK. I fixed your box. By the way,

sir--do you hate America?

PETERNo.

CABLE GUYOh. It seems like you do--becauseaccording to our records, yourenot subscribed to our Real AmericanPackage. 35 channels for realAmericans. Are you sure youre notSaudi Arabian?

PETERNo. Im an American.

CABLE GUYA fake American?

PETERNo. A real American.

CABLE GUYGreat. So Ill sign you up for our35 Real American channels, for$17.76 per month.

PETERThat sounds kind of expensive.

CABLE GUYOh. I didnt know you were aChinese communist who would preferto pay 17 Chinese yuan and 76Chinese fen.

PETERIm not a Chinese communist. Im anAmerican, and Im gonna pay 17American dollars and 76 Americancents.

CABLE GUYGreat.

He hands him a piece of paper on a clipboard.


20/38

19.

CABLE GUYSign here.

Dennis signs the paper. The Cable Guy lifts up his arm andpresents it.

CABLE GUY

And sign here.

Dennis signs his arm. The Cable Guy points to the wall.

CABLE GUYAnd here.

Dennis signs the wall.

CABLE GUYSit, Ubu, Sit.

Dennis sits on the floor.

CABLE GUYGood dog.

The Cable Guy pours some dog food in a bowl, and Dennisbegins eating it.

The Cable Guy walks out.

Tommy, Sylvester, and Michael walk in.

TOMMYHi dad.

DENNISHey, Tommy. How was school?

TOMMYWell. We learned a lot, and werereally hungry.

DENNISYou want some dog food?

TOMMY

Um. Why are you eating dog food?DENNIS

You know. The Cable Guy was here.

TOMMYThat doesnt really explain the dogfood.


21/38

20.

DENNISSure it does. By the way--why areyou guys so hungry?

TOMMYJames Harrison ate our lunches.

MICHAELHe didnt eat Sylvesters lunch.

TOMMYThats because Sylvesters lunchwas his piss.

DENNISSylvester. You shouldnt drinkpiss.

He continues eating dog food out of a bowl. JANET (38,British accent) walks into the room.

JANETDennis. Stop eating that dog food.Youll spoil your appetite fordinner. By the way--why are youeating dog food?

DENNISThe Cable Guy was here,

JANETOh. Well--did he get thathomosexual gentleman off of ourtelevision?

INT. FACULTY BATHROOM / PRINCIPALS OFFICE - DAY

Principal Janitor Smith is seated at a desk in the middle ofthe bathroom. James Harrison walks in.

JAMES HARRISONWhat the hell is this? Is this thefaculty bathroom?

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHYes.

JAMES HARRISONThen why the hell are you sittingat a desk?


22/38

21.

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHThis is also the Principalsoffice. Here at Evander HolyfieldElementary School, we operate on avery low budget. So we put thebathroom in the Principals Office.

JAMES HARRISONDont you mean you put thePrincipals Office in the bathroom?

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHThe point is, Evander Holyfield isa five time world heavyweightchampion. Anyways, I gotta get backto work.

He types something on the computer, and then grabs a toiletbrush and starts scrubbing the toilet.

JAMES HARRISONWhat are you doing?

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHLike I said, we have a very lowbudget. Thats why Im also thejanitor.

JAMES HARRISONYoure the Principal and thejanitor.

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHOf course I am. Thats why theycall me Principal Janitor Smith.

JAMES HARRISONWell, Principal Janitor CrackerSmith. I gave the students thattest that was lying around, andthey got an average score of 87.

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHWhat test?

JAMES HARRISONThis test.

He hands Principal Janitor Smith a stack of papers.

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHThis is a Harvard Law exam.


23/38

22.

JAMES HARRISONWhatever.

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHThey scored an 87 on this?

JAMES HARRISONDamn straight.

MRS. LEWINSKY (30) walks out of a toilet stall, drinkingtequila straight out of a bottle.

MRS. LEWINSKYLet me see those tests.

She examines the papers.

MRS. LEWINSKYYou must be a really good teacher.

JAMES HARRISONUm. I think youre in the wrongbathroom. In case you didntnotice, there are urinals in here.And the rules of bathroom stateunequivocally that a vagina shouldnot be within five yards of aurinal.

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHShes in the right bathroom. Wehave a very low budget here atEvander Holyfield elementaryschool, so our mens room is also aladies room, as well as abasketball court and an elevator.

An ELEVATOR ATTENDANT appears out of nowhere and flips aswitch.

ELEVATOR ATTENDANTGoing up.

James Harrison stares at the Elevator Attendant, stares atPrincipal Janitor Smith, and then walks to a urinal andurinates.

VICE PRINCIPAL GROUNDSKEEPER JONES (40, black) walks in andup to Principal Janitor Smiths desk.

VICE PRINCIPAL GROUNDSKEEPER JONESBob. Our substitute teacher Mr.Harrison--he, uh, threw a few kids

(MORE)


24/38

23.

VICE PRINCIPAL GROUNDSKEEPER JONES (contd)out the window. I think we gottaget rid of him.

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHI dont know. I mean, hes the bestfifth grade teacher in the world.

But I guess it doesntmatter--because Mr. Garner is gonnabe back tomorrow. By the way--Mr.Harrison is taking a piss rightthere.

James Harrison flushes the urinal, turns around, and walksto VPG Jones.

JAMES HARRISON(to Principal Janitor Smith)

Who the hell is this asshole?

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHThis is Vice PrincipalGroundskeeper Jones.

JAMES HARRISONVice Principal Groundskeeper Jones?

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHYeah.

JAMES HARRISONIs the Vice transitive?

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHWhat?

JAMES HARRISONIs he the Vice Principal and HeadGroundskeeper, or the VicePrincipal and Vice Groundskeeper.

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHGood question. I dont know theanswer.

VICE PRINCIPAL GROUNDSKEEPER JONESIm the head groundskeeper.

JAMES HARRISONOK.

He picks VPG Jones up, takes him to a stall, puts him on atoilet, lifts up the toilet, and then throw the toilet andVPG Jones out the window.


25/38

24.

JAMES HARRISON(to Principal Janitor Smith)

By the way--why the hell is there awindow in this bathroom?

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHGood question. I dont know the

answer.

JAMES HARRISONAlright. Im going home, PrincipalJanitor Cracker Jones.

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHActually, Im Principal JanitorCracker Smith . I mean, ImPrincipal Janitor Smith. Theres noCracker in my title.

JAMES HARRISONAll white people have a cracker intheir title. Like President CrackerGeorge W. Bush, and Dr. CrackerPhil.


Dennis is watching TV.

TV NARRATOR (V.O.)Youre watching the Real AmericanSports Channel--where 24 hours aday, we tar and feather soccerplayers, because soccer is not asport.

Dennis changes the channel.

TV NARRATOR (V.O.)This is the real American HistoryChannel. Today were gonna profileall of Americas legitimatePresidents--in other words, RichardNixon and Ronald Reagan.

RONALD REAGAN (V.O.)Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate. Mr.Gorbachev, tear down this wall!

DENNISTommy--come down here.

Tommy walks downstairs.


26/38

25.

DENNISWhat makes you think youre the sonin this household?

TOMMYWell. Because Im your son.

DENNISWell around here, you dont justget a position like that. You earnit by beating out other applicants.This is not a communist home.

TOMMYHow do I earn the position of son?

DENNISDo what Nixon and Reagan did.

TOMMYWhat did they do?

DENNISWell. Lets see. Nixon was analcoholic, and Reagan rode horses.Now, we dont have a horse--but wedo have plenty of liquor.


James Harrison walks in.

JAMES HARRISONOK, kids. Time for math class.

MR. GARNER (40) is teaching.

MR. GARNERUm. You must be yesterdayssubstitute. Im the regularteacher, Mr. Garner.

James Harrison punches Mr. Garner in the face, and thenpicks him up and throw him out the window.

JAMES HARRISON(to Tommy)

Cracker. Whats the square root ofcheesecake?


27/38

26.

TOMMYUm. Cheese?

JAMES HARRISONNo. Thats the square root of pizza . Aint that right, Ching

Chong?

MICHAELUm. I guess.

JAMES HARRISONClass. Listen to Ching Ching. Hesa math genius. OK. everyone. Itstime for your Harvard neurobiologyexam. You better score higher thanan 87 this time.


Mr. Garner walks in, and up to Principal Janitor Smithsdesk.

MR. GARNERBob--the substitute teacher justpunched me in the face and threw meout the window.

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHWhich substitute teacher?

MR. GARNERI dont know. Some big guy.

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHWhich big guy?

MR. GARNERA big black guy, OK? Are you happy?I said it. A big black guy.

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHYou mean Terry Crews?

VPG Jones flushes a urinal and walks towards the desk.

VICE PRINCIPAL GROUNDSKEEPER JONESI think hes talking about Mr.Harrison.


28/38

27.

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHRight. Well, Mr. Garner. I guessMr. Harrisons the new teacher now.

MR. GARNERWhat?!

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHI mean, he works for less moneythan you, and he helped the kidsget an 87 on a Harvard Law exam. Inother words, youre fired. Now getthe flush out of my office, youmotherflusher.

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

JAMES HARRISONWhats for lunch? Yall better notgive me another napkin sandwich.

(to Tommy)What the hell is that?

TOMMYIts my lunch.

JAMES HARRISONA bottle of whiskey?

TOMMYYeah. My dad wants me to be morelike Nixon.

JAMES HARRISONYour fathers an idiot. RichardNixon drank rum --not whiskey . Ilearned that from the Real AmericanHistory Channel. I learned allkinds of stuff about PresidentCracker Nixon, and PresidentCracker Reagan. Those are my twofavorite President Crackers.Listen, cracker kid. If you want tobe like Nixon

(he hands Tommy a bottle ofrum)

drink this.

He notices Tommy taping a microphone to the cafeteria table.


29/38

28.

JAMES HARRISONWhat the hell are you doing?

TOMMYMy father wants me to tap thecafeteria--like Nixon.

JAMES HARRISONGood thinking. Maybe your fathersnot such an idiot after all.

(to Sylvester)What you got? Another lunchboxfilled with piss?

SYLVESTERNo. That was survival skills,lesson 173.

JAMES HARRISONWhats lesson 174? A lunchboxfilled with tampons?

SYLVESTERNo. Lesson 174 was on how to spy onyour Pakistani neighbors, to see iftheyre plotting to assassinateSpongebob.

JAMES HARRISONPakistani?

SYLVESTERYeah. Pakistan is a country next toIndia.

JAMES HARRISONJames Harrisons mama didnt raiseno ignoramus. I know all 194countries. By the way--the correctpronunciation is Pok-ih-ston.Youre uneducated. Thats why youonly got an 84 on that Harvard Lawexam. Now open your damn lunchbox,so I can see what Im gonna eat,cracker!


James Harrison walks in, walks up to Principal JanitorSmith, and punches him in the face.


30/38

29.

JAMES HARRISONPrincipal Janitor Cracker Smith.Im demoting you to Cracker Smith.Now get the flush out of my office,you motherflusher.

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHWhat do you mean your office?

JAMES HARRISONIm the new Principal Janitor ofthis school, you damn cracker.

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHNo youre not.

JAMES HARRISONAnd why is that? Is it because Imblack? Does Evander HolyfieldElementary School discriminateagainst African-Americans, youwhite, peckerwood, cracker son of abitch?

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHNo. Its just that if you want tobecome Principal Janitor, you haveto go through the proper channels.

JAMES HARRISONYou mean I have to be appointed bythe Board of Education or theSuperintendent?

PRINCIPAL JANITOR SMITHNo. You have to win a bullridingcontest. Thats how I becamePrincipal Janitor.

James Harrison picks up Principal Janitor Smith, and throwshim out the window.

ELEVATOR ATTENDANTGoing down.

INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY

James Harrison is eating a raw turkey in the frozen foodssection.


31/38


32/38

31.

INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

20 PEOPLE are watching a movie. The movie suddenly stopsplaying. and the Movie Theater Employee walks to the frontof the theater while James Harrison sits in a seat.

MOVIE THEATER EMPLOYEELadies and gentleman. Were gonnahave to interrupt the Adam Sandermovie to show you, uh, Roots. Wedont have the film reel for Roots,so Im gonna go ahead and act itout. Um. So, uh, I am Kunta Kinte.And Im black.

James Harrison turns to the MAN and WOMAN sitting next tohim.

JAMES HARRISONI love this movie.

He grabs the mans popcorn, eats some, and then elbows theman in the face.

INT. TOWN HALL - NIGHT

MAYOR ROTHSCHILD (42) is on stage in a room of about 40townspeople, including many of the characters from theprevious scenes.

MAYOR ROTHSCHILDOK, everyone. We got a littleproblem here. It looks like JamesHarrison is going to kill everysingle person in our town. What doyou guys think we should do?

CARLWhy dont you use your Jew bankermagic to stop him?

MAYOR ROTHSCHILDI dont have any Jew banker magic.

CARLBut your name is Rothschild.

MAYOR ROTHSCHILDCarl--Im not a Jew banker, OK?


33/38

32.

CARLSure you are. You loaned my cousin$10 25 years ago, you son of abitch Jew.

MAYOR ROTHSCHILD

Yeah. We were in high school, and Iloaned him money to buy marijuana.And he still hasnt paid me back.

CARLIll bet youre gonna use your Jewbanker magic to foreclose on hishome.

MAYOR ROTHSCHILDWhat home? He lives in my guesthouse, you son of a bitch redneck.

(to everyone)Now does anyone have anysuggestions on how we can deal withJames Harrison?

DENNISHeres what we need to askourselves. What would Richard Nixondo?

MAYOR ROTHSCHILDDennis--we are not gonna drink rum.

James Harrison walks in

JAMES HARRISONWhat are yall talking about?

MAYOR ROTHSCHILDUm. Just. You know. Ice cream andstuff.

JAMES HARRISONAre you the Mayor Janitor Cracker?

MAYOR ROTHSCHILDUm. Im the Mayor.

JAMES HARRISONAre you sure Im not the Mayor?

MAYOR ROTHSCHILDWell. Im the guy who won thebullriding competition.


34/38

33.

JAMES HARRISONWell. Keep talking about ice cream.

MAYOR ROTHSCHILDOK.

(to everyone)

So, uh, like I was saying, icecream tastes really good.

JAMES HARRISONWhats your favorite flavor?

MAYOR ROTHSCHILDUh. Vanilla.

JAMES HARRISONIs it because Im black?

MAYOR ROTHSCHILDNo.

JAMES HARRISONWhy dont you like Rocky Road icecream?

MAYOR ROTHSCHILDI do.

JAMES HARRISONWhatever, cracker. I gotta go.Roots is gonna start playing againin five minutes.

DENNISMr. Harrison. Tear down this wall.

James Harrison punches Dennis in he face and walks out.

MAYOR ROTHSCHILDAlright. So how the hell are wegonna get that guy out of our town?

DENNISI like mint chocolate chip icecream.

MAYOR ROTHSCHILDJay. Youre tough and completelyinsane. How about you kick JamesHarrisons ass?


35/38

34.

JAYI can kick a lot of asses. But notJames Harrisons ass. I mean, thatguy drinks more piss than I do.

MAYOR ROTHSCHILDWell. That does it. I guess were

all gonna have to move to anothertown.

JAYNo. We can get Harrison out ofhere.

MAYOR ROTHSCHILDHow?

JAYSurvival skills, lesson 493. If youwant to get rid of an enemy,sometimes you need an enemy foryour enemy.


JAMES HARRISONOK. Math class. Ching ChangChong--whats the square root ofpiss?

MICHAELUh... urea?

JAMES HARRISONDamn right.

SYLVESTERMr. Harrison. Whats 5,000 plus75,000 plus 20,000 plus 25,000?

JAMES HARRISON125,000. Why are you asking such acrazy question?

SYLVESTEROh. You know. Those were the fourfines you got during the 2010season.

JAMES HARRISONThose fines were ridiculous! All ofthose hits were legal!


36/38

35.

SYLVESTERCommissioner Goodell said they wereil legal.

JAMES HARRISONRoger Goodell! I hate that son of a

bitch!

SYLVESTERYeah. He fined you $125,000--andyour salary that year was only$755,000.

JAMES HARRISONIf Roger Goodell were on fire, Iwouldnt piss on him to save hislife.

SYLVESTERThey asked him about the finesyesterday--and he was all like, "Weshouldve fined him a milliondollars!

JAMES HARRISONWhat!

He smashes a desk and breaks it in half.

SYLVESTERBy the way--Roger Goodells salaryis $44 million a year.

JAMES HARRISONThats it! Commissioner CrackerGoodell is a dead man! Im gonnahunt him down and chop off hiscracker head. Im gonna get him. Idont care if hes vacationing inMars!

SYLVESTERThats where he is. Mars.

James Harrison storm out of the room. He can be seen in thewindow opening someones car door, pulling the driver outthe car, and driving away.


37/38

36.

INT. NASA - DAY

James Harrison runs up to a NASA SCIENTIST.

JAMES HARRISONPut me on a space shuttle to Mars.

NASA SCIENTISTWe cant do that. Youre not anastronaut. If you want to be anastronaut, you have to pass a testand win a bullriding contest.

James Harrison tackles the NASA scientist. He then gets intoa space shuttle, and it takes off and goes into space.

EXT. MARS - NIGHT

The space shuttle lands, and James Harrison gets off.

JAMES HARRISONWhere the hell is Roger Goodell?!

He sees an ALIEN.

JAMES HARRISONWhere the hell is Roger Goodell?!

ALIENShawsha Wagwi.

JAMES HARRISONWhat makes you say that? Is itbecause Im black?

ALIENTantoo campa.

JAMES HARRISONIm about to tantoo campa youralien cracker ass. Wheres Goodell?

ALIENTantoo cobo.

James Harrison punches the alien a few times, renderinghim unconscious.

JAMES HARRISON(to alien)

Where can I find a gas stationaround here? My space shuttle is

(MORE)


38/38

37.

JAMES HARRISON (contd)out of fuel. Those crackers at NASAdidnt give me enough for a roundtrip to your red, cracker assplanet.

James Harrison plants an American flag on Mars.


Dennis, Tommy, Michael, and Sylvester are watching JamesHarrison plant the flag on TV.

DENNISThat James Harrison is a greatAmerican. He ranks up there withPresident Cracker Nixon andPresident Cracker Reagan.

THE END

Documents

Sweet Potato City