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- Text Message Only Please! -

Joe José

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© Joe José 2014

Joe Jose has asserted his rights in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

Cover illustration by Joe José.

This is the First Edition published 2014.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means,

electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission in writing

of the publisher and the copyright owners.

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

13-digit ISBN: 978-1-291-78016-1

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For Lucia and her well spotted flaw, and for my girls who are my eternal inspiration!

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Introduction This is a transcript of a conversation which took place between two people from the hours of 08.31am to 18.58pm on the 27th August 2013. The conversation was conducted entirely by text message.

The police have named the recipient of the messages as David R

Pilkington, a 34-year-old property developer from London. But no confirmation has yet been given to the identity of the sender.

It was handed to the police by courier service on the same day at

19.37pm. The sender had given a false name and address, but what concerned the police more, was the handwritten note on the title

page which simply read:

“The clock is ticking!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Please Note:

A dotted line between texts indicates a gap in the conversation of more than two minutes!

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Start of SMS Transcript: Part 1 08:31am Unknown: Good morning David! David: Who this? Unknown: Try and guess! David: Just woke up! Not in mood, ur numbr withheld? Who is it? Unknown: Please try, I do like games. Tell you what, I’ll give you a clue;

the first letter of my name is (C). David: LOL, ok chris, messing bout again! Got new fone hav u! Unknown: Are you referring to Christopher, your more intelligent

younger brother? David: LOL, yes it defo my idiot windup bro! Unknown: Sorry wrong answer! This is not your brother. Please guess

again.

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David: Don’t mess about chris! So wots up? Unknown: I can assure you this is not your brother David! Please guess

again. David: Is this u charles? Unknown: Sorry, wrong again! This is not Charles (Sad Face). Would you

like another clue? David: Very funy! I giv up ok. It 2 erly, got bad hangover & not in

mood for games! Unknown: Oh please play my game David! (Sad face) David: Y write (sad face) numbnuts? just use icon! So c’mon, who is

it? How u get this numbr? Unknown: Such bad spelling and poor use of grammar! I do hope your

shameful use of the English language improves before your big ‘best man’s’ speech today!

David: Ok had enuf now! It 2 early ok! Just say who u r & wot u want,

or get lost!!

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Unknown: Now, now... all I want is to play a little game. I promise it will

fit your little mind perfectly David! David: Just say who u r or go screw urself ok! Unknown: Sadly I’m not so endowed as to oblige your request. Perhaps

instead I can offer some friendly advice on such an important day. Have you made sure that the groom’s wedding ring is safe David? After all, it is the best man’s responsibility!

David: Wot u on about! Unknown: Do you still have the wedding ring David? Are you sure

nobody has taken it? ………………………………………………………………………………………… Unknown: David… you’re taking so long to reply. Is there something

wrong? David: OK, wots goin on! This cheap shit isn’t the same ring? This NOT

funy ok! I swear this beter not b another of ur windups chris, serious, not today bro!

Unknown: For the last time, this is not your brother! Surely you know

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someone else whose name begins with the letter (C)? Now you’re not even trying to play my game are you David! (Sad Face).

David: I don’t giv a shit about ur game! Where’s the ring? Unknown: Oh dear… the groom will be very upset with you David! (Sad

Face). David: Ok how u get it? Who is this? This beter not b u clive! Unknown: I’m sorry this is not Clive, and no I haven’t stolen the ring

David. More like I’ve borrowed it, while you were out last night. It’s surprising how easy it is to wonder freely around a hotel! But don’t worry; I have every intention of giving it back, if you play my game that is!

David: How u get in my room? & fuck these txts! Y not just call me, u

chicken shit! Unknown: Sorry, no calls David. Text message only please! David: Listen.. that ring is my property & i want it bak NOW! Unknown: What time is the wedding David?

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David: Wot? Giv me bak the ring! Unknown: I’ll give you one chance to answer the question before I

disappear along with your precious ring for good! David: It at 2.30 OK! Look whoever this is that ring is a 1 off, it specialy

made abroad for 2day! It cost thousands! This isnt funy ok!! Unknown: Yes I know the ring is a one off David, otherwise you would

have simply replaced it and we would not still be talking! And yes, it is funny; I know this because I’m currently laughing very loudly!

David: Ok very funy, this is about money isnt it! How much u want? Unknown: I don’t want your money David! David: So wot DO u want nobhed! Unknown: I must warn you that name calling will not help you with your

plight David! David: Wot do u expect! Uv broke in my room & stole a priceless

weddin ring! How u get in my room? Who r u? Y r u doin this?

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Unknown: Please pay attention David! I’ve already told you, to play a

game. You have to guess who I am remember? (Smiley Face). David: Look ‘whoever’ u r, this is serious, if i dont get ring bak b4 the

wedding im a dead man OK! Unknown: That might already be a foregone conclusion. (Laugh Out

Loud!) David: Ok stop wiv the games! How much u want? If u kno who i am, u

kno i can aford 2 pay good! Unknown: Indeed I do know all about you David. Your three houses,

seven cars, one boat, four horses, a huge drink problem and one recently deceased wife with a history of health problems. I guess that’s why you had that play-thing on the side to help curb the boredom while the wife went on those long hospital stays!

David: Ok fuck this! If u don’t giv ring bak NOW, im goin 2 show the

groom & police these txts, then tel them ur a stalker who stole the ring & ruined their day! Then its ur prob, NOT mine!

Unknown: I wouldn’t do that if I were you David!

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David: I dont giv a shit! Giv me bak the ring or im callin police! Unknown: Very well, call the police David… and in turn I’ll give them the

location of her body! (Smiley Face). David: WTF! OK who is this? Unknown: You should have been more careful when you buried her

David; you should have made sure no one was watching! David: Look, i dont kno who u r, or the crazy shit ur sayin OK! Unknown: Clearly you’re not going to admit your guilt via a text

message. That would be far too incriminating! David: This is bull! If ur another reporter hacking for a scoop, I was

cleared, my wife drowned at sea OK!! Unknown: Yes, yes... I know that was your ‘official’ statement David.

Apparently you were anchored far out, she went for a ‘swim’, you fell asleep on the boat, and when you woke up two hours later, your wife was nowhere to be seen, so then you went on a frantic search well into the night, blah, blah, blah.

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David: Fuck u, thats EXACTLY wot happened! Unknown: Yes well, in fairness to your wife I wouldn’t be surprised if she

had drowned, it is hard to swim when you have a sack of house bricks strapped to your feet!

David: THIS IS TOTAL CRAP! Unknown: But it didn’t work, did it David! Something went wrong and

she floated back up, didn’t she! That’s why you had to bring her back and bury her on land... too suspicious to take the boat back out at that time of night. Silly, careless David.

David: Fuck this! This is a set up! Ur just out 2 do me over & keep the

ring regardles! Bollox 2 ur game & shit about my wife, I kno Im clean, so fuck u & goodbye nutter!

Unknown: I thought you might try to call my bluff David, which is why

I’m going to send you a short video of someone you know; perhaps it will help you take my game more seriously?

………………………………………………………………………………………… Unknown: David… have you seen the video yet?

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David: Thats my driver! Wots that ur doing 2 him?! Unknown: That’s right David, I believe his name is Ben. Please excuse the

picture quality, there’s no natural light in that room. Still, you can clearly see the pained expression! (Sad Face).

David: U twisted fuck! He’s just an old man, he’s got a weak heart!

leav him out of this OK! Unknown: You forced my hand by not taking my game more seriously

David. Now someone you care about must pay the price for your non-compliance! Ben tells me he has been a loyal employee for almost ten years. This is your chance to return ‘your’ loyalty to Ben, by preventing him any further discomfort.

David: OK! Uv made ur point, I’ll jump thru ur hoops, just let him go,

OK! Unknown: Finally, so now can we get back to my game? (Smiley Face). David: Ok but u hav 2 promis 2 let him go. Unknown: You have my word David; as soon as you have correctly

guessed my name your chauffeur will go free. But I must warn

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you, any further threats of calling the police, drawing attention to yourself or opting out of my game, and next time I will not be so understanding. So, with that in mind are you ready to play?

David: But I kno so many people, u cud b anyone! How am I supposed

to kno who’s got a grudge against me? Unknown: I have already given you a valuable clue (the letter C) and you

definitely know who I am. You’re just not thinking hard enough.

David: Ok… this is the people I kno beginin wiv leter C: chris, clive,

cindy, charles, christine, clair, conrad, collin & casey. That all I know!!

Unknown: Sorry David, I’m not any of those people (Sad Face). David: This is bull, ur not goin tel me who u r, even if I did gues ur

name, r u! Unknown: Since the whole point of my game is for you to guess my

name, I can assure you that I would take no pleasure in denying my identity when the time comes, in fact, I can barely wait for that moment to arrive!

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David: Y wont u just tel me wot u want, & stop all this guessin game

shit! I don’t kno anyone else beginin wiv C ok? Unknown: I promise you David, you do know me! David: Y today? Wot about the weddin & the ring? I’m the best man

remembr, I’m supposed 2 b wiv the groom already! Wot do I say 2 everyone? I don’t hav time for this u fuck!

Unknown: I disagree; you said the wedding starts at 14:30pm. It is now

08:57am. This means that after wasting valuable time with your ‘potty mouth’, you now have 5 hours and 38 minutes to correctly guess my name. Do so before 14.30pm and you will get the ring back, and Ben will go free! But you must hurry, the clock is ticking David!

David: Ok, but I want him untied & looked after! Unknown: I’ll even give him tea and biscuits. (Smiley Face). Excellent, so

since you clearly need help, the first clue to my identity can be found in the picturesque seaside town of Weston-Super-Mare!

David: Wot! But im in Exeter! Y not just giv me clues via texts?

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Unknown: Sorry, my game, my rules David! Besides, the hotel you’re

staying at is only a stone’s throw from Exeter Central train station. If you hurry you can catch the 09:20 on platform 2 to Weston-Super-Mare.

David: Bollox, I’m taking car! Unknown: NO David! Considering the amount of alcohol still in your

blood from last night’s drinking marathon, you are still over the legal limit to drive, and if the police stop you they could arrest you and spoil my game, which will upset me. (Sad Face). Therefore for the ring and Ben’s sake I must insist you travel by train!

David: Ok, lets do this! But I swear, u beter run like hell when I do find

out who u r! Unknown: Yes, yes... oh, and David, no tricks please. Be assured we

currently have a very, very close eye on your movements, and remember that Ben’s welfare depends entirely on your cooperation from the moment you leave your hotel room! The time is now 09.08am, I’d get a move on if I were you, there’s a good boy! (Smiley Face)

David: Kiss my ass!!

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Unknown: No thank you David, I’ve no idea where it’s been! Text me

once you have boarded the train please. Unknown: P.S. Since your phone is limited to the amount of sent and

received messages it can store, I will throughout our conversation today be sending you the following alert: [DELETE HISTORY!] when you get this alert please delete all messages from your In and Out box. Please delete your in and out history now David!

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SMS Transcript: Part 2 09:28am Unknown: You were supposed to text me after you boarded the train

David. (Angry Face). David: Oh yea, sory I forgot, am on train dickhed! Unknown: Name calling is so childish! David: Yea wel, ur havin ur fun, so i’ll hav mine! Unknown: And to think you’re supposed to be a respected multi-

millionaire business man! Must you really use bad language David?

David: I must… ASSWIPE! Unknown: Your stubborn pride will forever be your downfall! David: Wotever!! Unknown: Your train is due to arrive in Weston-Super-Mare at 10.38am,

which is in approximately one hour and eighteen minutes.

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Fortunately this gives us plenty of time for a friendly catch up. (Smiley Face)

David: Frendly? R u serious, lol, wot planet r u on? Unknown: A fair question considering you rarely acknowledge people

unless they worship ‘Uranus’ (laugh Out Loud). David: Very funy! U kno nothin about me OK! Unknown: I know more than you realise! Tell me, whatever happened to

her David? David: Wot? Who? Unknown: The play-thing. What was her name? David: Again I dont kno wot ur talkin about nutter? Unknown: Please let’s not waste time! What was her name? David: Oh yea, I remember now, it was Betty Boop!

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Unknown: You’re trying my patience David! David: And your tryin mine DICKHED!!! Unknown: Do you see the three well-built men sat across from you? David: Yea? Y? Unknown: They boarded the train with you and are my friends and my

eyes. They are monitoring our conversation and are poised to carry out any action I request.

David: So uv hired a bunch of thugs to keep eye on me! Gud 4 U! So

wot about them! Y they all got same bear t shirt on? Unknown: My game requires your full cooperation. This means

answering my questions in a truthful and prompt manner. Failure to comply will result in a penalty. Since Betty Boop is clearly a fictional character, you have failed to comply. Therefore you leave me no option but to enforce said penalty… sit tight David, one of my friends will join you shortly!

……………………………………………………………………………………………….

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Unknown: David, are you okay? David: U CHIKEN SHIT FUCKER!! Unknown: Please don’t shout David, its rude! Now what’s the matter? David: I thought I was just supposed 2 b guessing ur name? So wots

wiv the questions & the thugs? He nocked my tooth out u fuck!!

Unknown: You are a very stubborn man and I need to make sure you’ll

play my game. I’m sorry about the tooth, but the punch in the ‘potty-mouth’ was a necessary enforcement of my rules. Now, if you would like to avoid another penalty please answer the question truthfully.

David: Look, u dont understand, I had alot of stres bak then, it was

just a fling, it was nuthin ok. I ended it before my wife died! Unknown: How noble of you David, but that was not my question! David: Sandra… OK! Unknown: Finally, the shell cracks and the first droplets of blood appear

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from the cold hard stone! Who said it wasn’t possible! Thank you David, an important door has just been opened. So, did Sandra know you were married?

David: Yes Unknown: Describe Sandra for me David? David: Wots all this got 2 do wiv guessin ur name? Unknown: Let’s not forget my friends and their free tooth removal

service! David: 5ft 6, slim, red hair, bubly caracter, real head turner, gud enuf

for u? Unknown: Did you love her David? David: This is bullshit! Unknown: Did you love her David? David: Ok look, iv just stood up 2 use the toilet and ur thugs wont let

me pass!

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Unknown: Answer my question and you may use the rest-room! David: This is so fucked up! Y wont u jus tel me wot u want from me?

Wot hav I done 2 piss u of? Unknown: Did you love Sandra David? David: I’m sick of these txts! Just call me so we can talk and sort this

out ok! Unknown: Did you love Sandra David? David: NO! Like I said it was just a fling, OK! Unknown: Thank you. You may now use the rest-room. One of my

friends will escort you. You have five minutes, I’ll text you then. And remember, no tricks please!

………………………………………………………………………………………………. Unknown: David… it’s been seven minutes, and my friend tells me you

are still inside the rest-room! (Angry Face). David: Yes I kno! I’m tryin 2 pass a titanic size log in here OK! So tel ur

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thug 2 stop bangin door! I’ll b out in 1 min, think im thru the worst of it!

Unknown: Don’t play with me David! I said no tricks! I know you’ve been

trying to call out on your phone. But as you’ve realised by your many fruitless attempts since this morning, the sim card currently inserted in your phone restricts your usage to texts only and the only person you can contact is me… it looks like the wedding ring wasn’t the only item handled last night! (Smiley Face).

David: Bet u think u got me ova a barrel, dont u! Unknown: No David, I have you in ‘front’ of one, and I’m beginning to

develop a twitchy trigger finger! Now please return to your seat, we have lots to talk about.

David: Strait bak to 20 questions is it nobhed? Unknown: Yes! So how long did the affair with Sandra go on for before

your wife died? David: Few months! Unknown: A few months, or was it more like eight months?

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David: Yes 8 months ok. If u already kno so much, y ask the questions! Unknown: I need to be sure you’re telling the truth David! David: It was just a harmless fling ok! Unknown: Throwing a child playfully into a paddling pool is a ‘harmless

fling’ David! Eight months of intimate sex however is considered an undeniable stride towards a committed relationship!

David: Wotever ok! Unknown: Let’s divert attention to your wife for a moment, what was

her name? David: I dont undrstand y ur doing this? U clearly kno the answer,

everyone knows who my wife was, so y ask? Unknown: Please remember that the level of comfort during your train

journey today will depend entirely on the answers you give me! Now, her name please!

David: Milly

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Unknown: Was it Milly, or Millie? David: MILLIE! Ok mr fuckin precise, jeeezus!! Unknown: Describe Millie for me David. David: 5ft 5, blonde, slim, gud lookin, had a wooden leg, a parot on

sholder & patch over eye! Enuf detail nutter? Unknown: Very funny David. But ironically, you did throw her

overboard! David: Ha ha… total bollox! Unknown: Shouldn’t that be; ‘Harr-Harr’ David? (Laugh Out Loud). David: Very funy TWAT! Unknown: Do you have children David? David: U kno I havn’t stalker.

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Unknown: Didn’t you want any? David: Cudnt hav any! Unknown: Why couldn’t you have any children? David: Wife had probs! Unknown: That’s sad David. What kind of problems? David? Fuck u ok. U kno she had cancer! It was all over papers! Unknown: It must have been hard seeing ‘the one you love’ in such pain

and anguish every day. But there was a light at the end of the tunnel, Millie was a fighter and eventually she beat the cancer, didn’t she David. (Smiley Face).

David: Yes Unknown: I assume of course, you did you love your wife? David: Yes.

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Unknown: That’s the part that confuses me. How do couples who truly

love each other, end up murdering each other? David: Bak 2 that shit r we. I told u alredy, so read this carefuly… I…

DID… ‘NOT’… KILL… MY… WIFE… OK!! Unknown: So, back to the game! Have you had any thoughts as to my

identity? Any wild guesses who the letter (C) belongs too? David: Fuck knows! I don’t believ I do kno u like u say I do! Ur

probably sum crazy random I cant remember, who lost out on a business deal 2 me & wants revenge!

Unknown: Well… we did have a contract (which you broke, I should add),

and you are heading in the direction of the clues! So you’re sniffing around the right woods, now all you have to do is find the right tree and start barking. (Smiley Face).

David: I shud hav realised earlier! Unknown: Does that mean you might have picked up a scent David? David: That’s y u want me 2 go 2 weston, isn’t it?

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Unknown: Sorry no more clues! Are you barking up my tree? I’m so

excited! David: Ur cooper barns, aren’t u? U must b! But that was years ago! Unknown: Are you referring to Cooper Barnes of Weston-Super-Mare,

whose company you forcefully bought out, broke up and then promptly sold for a huge profit?

David: I knew it! Yes that cooper! Dont kno wot u mean about

forcefuly tho? It was a fair deal, it not my fault u couldnt aford 2 buy the company bak! Busines is busines, not personal!

Unknown: You played dirty and made it personal David! You increased

the buyback rate by 15% at the last minute, and then refused an extension of just one month, allowing time to secure a final investor! A wealthy man like you could have easily waited, still made a profit, and help keep a 157 year old family business from going under!

David: Like I said it was just busines ok. If I’d hav waited any longer I’d

hav lost money! Unknown: You’re a liar! You never intended on selling the company back

to the original owners; there wasn’t enough profit in it for you that way! It was a calculated and heartless deal from the

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beginning David, and you know it! David: Ok fair enuf, so u lost out ok, maybe I can compensate u in sum

way? Stop this game shit & lets work a deal! Unknown: You robbed a family of their heritage David, and I don’t make

deals with thieves! David: U were going 2 lose evrything anyway! Wiv or without my

buyout! The banks wouldnt touch u, remember? Unknown: The company had new orders and a line of investor’s ready,

contracts in hand, but you intentionally created a barrier for investment by moving the goalpost in the final hour. It was ‘directly’ because of you the company dissolved, along with the family who fought and lost everything to keep it!

David: Yea, well, talkin of deals I’v guessed ur name now, so it game

over, ok! Now let ben go & give me ring back!! Unknown: What are you talking about David? David: U gave me ur word, remember, or does ur word count for shit! Unknown: That’s right David; I did give you my word. But you’ve guessed

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incorrectly! Just because I’m familiar with the details of that particular business transaction and disagree with your methods, does not mean I am Cooper Barnes or anyone affiliated with his previous company. So I’m afraid the integrity of my word remains intact, and you have yet to correctly guess my identity. (Sad Face).

David: U led me 2 believ I was right! How u kno all that shit? Unknown: I told you David, I know more than you realise! (Smiley Face). David: Ok, bollox 2 this! U cud of got that info of internet! This is bull,

ur never goin 2 tell me who u r, r u, even if I do gues ur name rite!

Unknown: I gave you my word David. If you guess my name correctly,

the game ends, you get the ring back and your chauffeur will go free!

………………………………………………………………………………………………. Unknown: David, are you there? David: I want 2 talk 2 Ben! Unknown: No David! I said no calls.

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David: Ok fuck this then! How do I even kno he’s safe? He cud be dead

for all I kno! U 4get thers lots of other people on this train, I’ll make a scene & shout wots goin on, & if ur thugs try 2 stop me, somone wil call the cops & stop train!

Unknown: Please don’t test me David! David: I want 2 talk 2 Ben NOW! Or I make a big scene! Unknown: Very well. I will get your chauffeur to call you. You have thirty

seconds to chat. I will text you after. ………………………………………………………………………………………………. Unknown: Satisfied now David? David: NO! He sounds in serious pain! He said ur cutting him! Wot hav

u done 2 him u fuck! Unknown: I warned you earlier that any threats at calling the police, or

opting out of my game and I wouldn’t be so understanding. Since you have been intent on defying that rule, your chauffeur will now have to forfeit two thumbs and a driving job! All because of you David! I have attached another small video file of Ben as proof of my intent; please confirm when you have received it.

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…………………………………………………………………………………………….... David: OK U WIN!! I’ll play along! I wont make scene. Pleas stop doing

that! Pleas leave him alone! Unknown: I’m not sure I believe you David! You’ve said that before! David: Pleas ok! ………………………………………………………………………………………………. David: Look he’s just an old man! He’s nothing 2 do wiv this! Unknown: Ben’s welfare has everything to do with this! He represents

the ultimate penalty for your non-compliance! You ‘will’ take my game more seriously, or Ben will suffer David!

David: Ok I will, I promis, I’ll play by ur rules from now on ok! Just leav

him alone!! Unknown: Very well. Unlike you, I’m a reasonable person, and your

‘pleas’ have not fallen on heartless ears. I will do as you ask and spare Ben any further discomfort. However, that said; I’m sorry but I had already started on his left thumb. (Sad Face). And it would be cruel to just leave it half hanging there.

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David: UR A SICK SYCO!! Unknown: So you have said before… but yet you seem intent on testing

the patience of this ‘psycho!’ You will learn that for every action there must be a reaction, and as such, your outburst has now changed the rules of my game!

David: Wot rules? If u mean u wont let ben go free when I gues ur

name thats a deal breaker! No matter wot ok! Unknown: My word still stands David; guess my name correctly the

game ends, you get the ring back and Ben will go free. David: Ok, so wich rules hav changed? Unknown: I will tell you in due course. First I have a few questions to ask

before your train arrives in Weston-Super-Mare. How did you make your millions David?

David: In busines! Unknown: I’m Mr Specific remember! David: Ok. I was heavily into computers, left uni & went on 2 start a

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small software company in the mid 90’s, it grew fast & I sold it few years later. Then I moved into property development & other investments.

Unknown: I see, and who bought your company, and for how much? David: It no secret, I sold it to rainbow software inc for 18.3-mill. Unknown: That is a huge amount of money to suddenly inherit David. So

what did you do with all that good fortune afterwards? David: Again it no secret, I drank, ate, went on holidays & lived like a

king for a year before I did anything else! Unknown: I see. Now let’s get back to your wife for a moment. Where

did you meet Millie? David: In a bookshop 2 weeks after I sold busines! She was signing her

first kids book. Unknown: And do you recall the title of Millie’s first book. David: Yes! It was called, ‘the giant worm’.

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Unknown: No David, the Giant Worm was her follow up book, the first

was entitled ‘The Ever Growing Worm’. It made Millie a popular children’s author! You must have been proud of her achievements. (Smiley Face).

David: I was. Unknown: Did you resent Millie for keeping her author’s surname name

after you were married? David: No! Unknown: Because I do side with your wife, ‘Millie Pilkington’ doesn’t

quite have the same roll-off-the-tongue ring to it as ‘Millie Rose’.

David: Wotever numbnuts! Unknown: So when did you finally marry the talented Millie? David: Couple of years after we met. Unknown: So marrying Millie must have been a safe bet for you?

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David: Wot u on about? Unknown: With the success of her books, Millie was already financially

secure, so unlike other women, you could be sure Millie wasn’t with you for your money, (although I do wonder what she was with you for?)

David: Wotever ok, & fuck u! Y dont we meet man 2 man! I’ll rip ur

head off!! Unknown: You had a temper even back then, didn’t you David. David: No! Unknown: Really, because I remember reading about a fight between

you and Millie’s father on your wedding night, on your wedding night David! Millie must have felt so ashamed to see those pictures in the paper the following day.

David: U shouldn’t believ everything u read in the papers! That wasn’t

my fault. Her dad never liked me from the start ok! Unknown: And I wonder why? Do you recall his name David?

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David: Mike Unknown: The wedding wasn’t the only time you and Mike had a falling

out was it! David: If ur talking about wot happened at millies funeral I didn’t start

that either ok! Unknown: Nothing is ever your fault is it David. Sadly that event made

the papers too didn’t it. David: Look, I understand he was hurtin, it was his daughter & fair

enuf… but I didn’t kill her ok. I was cleared of all suspicion. Do u remember readin THAT in the papers?

Unknown: Yes I do, but like you said, I shouldn’t believe everything I

read! Tell me, what is it like to live in the united-states- of -denial David?

David: Its bliss! Unknown: Let’s get back to Sandra for a moment. What did she do for an

occupation?

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David: Im getting realy sick of these txts & questions! Unknown: What did your play-thing do as an occupation David? David: P.A. Unknown: I see. And who did she Personally Assist? David: Sum director of a drug company, dont remembr name so dont

ask! Unknown: How old was Sandra? David: 19 Unknown: Shame on you David! A bit young for a podgy 34 year old

don’t you think? But then, I suppose all those lavish gifts, weekend cruises and expensive champagne must have helped numb the sensation of your grubby hands all over her!

David: Kiss my asss! Unknown: I suspect Sandra has already done enough of that for me

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David! (Laugh Out Loud). David: Very funy! Now I’v got a couple of question 4 u nutter! Unknown: Excellent, fire away! After all, a conversation should be a two

way street. David: First, do u even kno wot SMS stands for? Y do u write evrythin

in full? & how u respond so fast? Unknown: I’m communicating with you using a full size keyboard on a

laptop computer with a wi-fi signal. Using two hands to type makes it considerably faster to respond. I write in full because I believe there is no excuse for bad language, regardless if it is spoken or written. And to answer your first question; SMS stands for ‘Short Messaging Service’, which is ironic in my case, I know! (Smiley Face).

David: Wi-fi… so u cud b on this train!? Unknown: Don’t be silly David. I am not on the train, otherwise who else

would be keeping your chauffeur company? David: Ok second question. If u hav a problem wiv me y not just hav it

out, man 2 man? Wots wiv this ‘txt message only’ shit, the hired thugs, & the OTT gues who game?

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Unknown: Firstly, simply ‘having-it-out’ with you would be far too boring

and too easy. Secondly my friends are there to ensure your cooperation, and thirdly you have been a very naughty boy David. And naughty boys need to be taught a lesson; which is why I have devised this game, to teach you that lesson.

David: Yea & wot leson is that! Unknown: It’s a lesson in telling the truth David. David: Yea wel… if u think im goin 2 admit 2 sumthin I didn’t do, forget

it!! Unknown: Defiant to the last, aren’t you David! David: Ok, wots goin on? Ur thugs hav come over to my table & r just

sat here, staring at me? WTF? Unknown: You will be arriving in Weston-Super-Mare in approximately

ten minutes, and since I don’t trust you, my friends will be escorting you off the train and for the remainder of our game. My rules dictate however, they must not talk to you. But don’t worry David; they will not harm you, unless you attempt to run away, or if I request it… so please behave when you leave the train.

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David: Ok Just got ur pic message! Is that one of millies books? Wots

goin on! Unknown: Can you tell me the title of the book please David? David: The money monkey, wots this about? Unknown: And can you describe the picture on the front cover. David: It a pic of a jungle wiv a big rainbow goin over it. In middle is a

silhouete of a monkey holding balloon floatin ova trees. Unknown: Thank you David, and do you recall the story of that book? David: No! Y? Wots goin on? Unknown: Shame on you David, you should know. After all, it was your

wife who wrote and illustrated it! Perhaps all you require is a little incentive to remember. So, if you can give me just a brief synopsis of ‘The Money Monkey’ I will give you another valuable clue to my identity!

David: All I remember is its set in a jungle & all the animals live like

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people wiv cars & houses etc! I think it a story about a monkey who becomes a king?

Unknown: That is far too loose a description to be any way near correct!

Shame on you again! Especially for not reading ‘The Money Monkey’, it won Millie three prestigious awards David!

David: Yes I kno dickhed, but u dont undrstand! She was always

writing & creating new stories, theres a ton of stuff she wrote thats unpublished! & I was away a lot, I cud never keep up wiv her new work!

Unknown: That’s a shame David, because ‘The Money Monkey’ was

actually dedicated to you. And yet, it seems you do not know it!

David: How u kno she dedicated that book 2 me? Unknown: It’s no secret. It’s printed on page three for all to read: “For

the one called D, who I never see!” Would you like me to text you an image of that page for you to read for yourself.

David: Look, that monkey story was published just before her death! It

was a bad tym for me ok. I was 2 preocupied wiv more important things!!

Unknown: Ah yes of course, that’s right, you were too preoccupied

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planning your invasion of planet stupid and declaring yourself leader!

David: Listen u funy fucker, millie always knew I was proud of her

books, without me havin 2 read them all, ok! Unknown: I’m sorry but we must end our chat for now David. You are

approaching Weston-Super-Mare. Your first destination will be the ‘Masquerade’ fancy dress shop on Orchard Street. It is approximately ten minutes on foot from the train station. My friends will show you the way.

David: WTF! Y a fancy dres shop? Unknown: You’ll see… it’s a surprise! (Smiley Face). Text me when you

arrive at the shop please! Unknown: [DELETE HISTORY!]

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SMS Transcript: Part 3 10:52am David: Am at shop. Wots all this about? Unknown: Please go inside and tell the lady at the counter your name,

she will then hand you a suitcase and lead you and my friends to a fitting room where your surprise awaits. (Smiley Face).

………………………………………………………………………………………………. Unknown: David, have you seen your surprise yet? David: Ok u can piss of if u think Im goin 2 wear this thing! Unknown: Why David? (Sad Face). David: Im NOT prancin round weston dresed as a fuckin monkey ok! Unknown: But it’s not just any monkey costume David! It is a costume of

‘Divad’. David: Who?

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Unknown: Divad… the famous monkey from Millie’s book, ‘The Money

Monkey’. David: Ok, wots goin on! Unknown: Not only was ‘The Money Monkey’ dedicated to you, Millie

even named the central character after you, and made it so obvious she clearly knew you would never read her story! Isn’t that sad David. (Sad Face).

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

TO BE CONTINUED..!

(Smiley Face)

If you would like to find out what happens next in this story you can buy the paperback on Lulu for just £5.99! Simply click on this

link: http://www.lulu.com/shop/joe-jose/text-message-only-please/paperback/product-

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Thank you for reading these sample chapters… Joe Jose.