"Hope for the Best, prepare for the Worst: My Fiancé Wants a Prenup"

Does this sound like your situation? You just went through an elaborate proposal with your fiancé. You have a magnificent, sparkling rock on your finger that everyone’s impressed with. You’re head over heels in love and you’re proudly telling everyone you’re getting married. THEN, the unexpected happens........ Your fiancé drops the “Do you mind signing a prenup before we marry” bomb on you. This leaves you speechless and then, reality sets in. You feel hurt and not as fortunate as you once were feeling. You’re not even sure what to do.

Discussions about prenups are not attractive and not a topic that the average individual wants to face before marrying the person of your dreams. If your fiancé is wealthy, has prior marriages, comes from a well-to-do family or similar scenarios, there is a higher chance for this subject to present itself.

The following are 8 things to consider and ask yourself before moving forward with your marriage regarding a prenup;

Why Does Your Fiancé Want a Prenup?

Calmly explore his reasons for wanting this legal agreement between you. Factors might include a differential in income/assets or an ex who he feels "robbed him blind." In return, share your honest feelings about this.

The great thing about communicating with your fiancé on a prenup is that you have a chance to disclose all the assets and wealth each of you have accumulated. This will allow you to know exactly what both of your financial picture looks like before you marry. You get to see if there are any high accumulated debt that you could be responsible for if anything were to happen, you can talk about spending habits, if there are any life insurance policies and more. You can discuss what his expectations are on who will handle what financially when married. This is a chance for you to really learn a lot about the person you’re marrying, in addition, you have a chance to express your feelings and concerns as well.

Ask Probing Question

Because prenups have to do with finances, use probing questions to find out more about how your fiancé feels about money. It may seem like a straightforward topic but money can be tied to deep-seated emotions around scarcity, insecurity, and career ambition. Aside from the prenup, it's important to understand these things about the man you're going to share a lifetime with.

For example, after having deep financial discussions with your fiancé around a prenup, were there signs that he is selfish or generous with money? Did he show signs of insecurities you’re with him because of how much he makes for a living or was he very secure with himself about your love for him or how he makes his money financially? Are you o.k. with what you’re discovering? These are things you want to uncover about your fiancé while having your prenup discussions.

Fiancé’s Devotion to your Marriage

What does this say about his commitment to you? Some people feel that it's a sign the commitment isn't as deep; however, others argue it has nothing to do with commitment and everything to do with a fear that things will become acrimonious and resentful during a divorce. And with the reality that 50% of couples still divorce, they have a point.

Do you feel that when you marry your spouse, you marry everything about each other including sharing all that you have; love, children, your body along with your money and checkbook? You believe that you should combine everything, have joint bank accounts and more. You believe, if your fiancé wants a prenup, he is really saying he doesn’t believe this marriage will last. If this describes you, then you may want to slow things down a little and pump the breaks.

However, you may feel differently. You believe that having a prenup helps to prepare you for the worst-case scenario, especially if you’re marrying for a second time or more. It makes the divorce process easier. A prenup will make sure your children are well provided for above laws, you can make sure you get a certain amount for spousal support above laws who may not guarantee you get money and more. You have no problems signing a prenup since divorce may never happen and may not get looked at anyway.

Religious or Cultural Expectations

Are there religious or other reasons to move/not move ahead? This decision shouldn't be made in a vacuum, but with careful thought about the entire context of your relationship. For example, are you part of a religion that will not recognize your marriage if you were to have a prenup drafted and signed? Some religions may not recognize the marriage because of the precondition of one partner saying, “I will marry you only if you sign a prenup.” This action shows that there was a condition put on the agreement to marry and that there may be something wrong in the relationship. It may appear that one partner is not fully giving of themselves and thinks in terms of “mine” verse “ours”. This will raise a concern with religious officials agreeing to the marriage.

On the other hand, some Jewish Rabbis may not marry a couple unless there is a prenup in place to protect the women. The prenup will stipulate to pay a specified sum daily to a woman for support if the husband wants a divorce until a “get” is signed. This will allow the woman to remarry.

Are you having problems with meeting in the middle on money topics with your fiancé and need help? Finance is on the top of the list of discussions that couples constantly argue over. Take a look at a prior article I wrote called; The Premarital Money Interview: The Top Ten Questions To Ask Your Fiance’ for help in tackling this discussion.

What Are Your Feelings About Having or Not Having a Prenup?

Think about how you will feel - in your future marriage - WITH and WITHOUT a prenup in place. Pay careful attention to any strong emotions or reactions you have to either scenario.

Are you feeling hurt, insecure or have negative reactions from your fiancé asking you to sign a prenup before marrying? This is important because you don’t want to marry, then resent your husband after you marry with feelings that your husband doesn’t trust you, that you were slighted or that the prenup favored your husband. You want to enter the marriage feeling secure and happy about getting married with no regrets. If you’re unsure, seek as much information on this topic and how it will affect you before reacting or going through with the marriage.

Agreement Problems

If you and your fiancé can't come to an agreement, it's time to postpone the wedding. The last thing you want is for either of you to have a feeling of resentment as you walk down the aisle and make this lifetime commitment. Getting married to your soon to be husband should be the happiest day of your life with many magnificent memories to follow. If you find yourself not happy and insecure by your fiancé's actions of forcing you to sign a prenup you don’t agree to, then pump the breaks

with your upcoming marriage until you can come to an agreement that you both feel secure about. If you can’t come to an agreement that you both would be happy with, then you should look at postponing the wedding.

Review Other Alternatives

Explore other options. Perhaps you are okay with maintaining separate financial accounts as a way of balancing his concerns. After you did your research and reviewed all the options, you decided to use other alternatives to signing the Prenup to appease your fiancé. You had no problems with doing some of the following to make your fiancé feel more secure;

1. Getting new financial accounts based on the date of your marriage or keeping your current bank accounts separate.

2. Keeping all real estate, you both had prior to the marriage in your individual names and separate.

3. Setting up a revocable trust to keep certain funds in a separate account and other alternatives.

Call in The Calvary

Get some outside advice from a coach, financial planner, or attorney. They can help guide you to the right decision for you. A licensed coach, certified financial planner or licensed attorney have been properly trained in their field and will know just the right questions to ask you on the prenup subject. Also, they know the pros and cons of having or not having a prenup. They know how it affected their prior clients and others that they researched. They can tell you how it can impact your marriage life and give you points that you never considered. They will look out for your best interest so your side of the spectrum is covered as well.

Summary

To prenup or not is a challenging subject to tackle before marrying your fiancé, especially if you are the one being ask to sign this agreement. It’ll make you second guess your decision to marry your partner or move forward with your wedding. The points covered in this post should guide you on how to handle this situation if it presents itself and should make you feel more secure on your decision whether or not to sign one.

Do you still need help on money arguments between you and your fiancé? We are here to help and are just a phone call away. We have coached numerous couples to successfully navigate through these tough topics and more. We lead couples to and through successful marriages and we can do the same for you. All you have to do is grab the phone and call us today at 111-111-1111 to put your relationship on the pathway to your dream marriage.