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SUBSCRIPTIONSTake out a subscription and the latest

edition of the Amsterdam Stun will come through your letter-box every month.

Netherlands € 30.00 per yearRest of World: € 45.00 per year

ABOUT THE STUNAlthough every effort is made to ensure

the accuracy of information printed in ‘The Amsterdam Stun’, the Publisher accepts no liability for articles submitted by our contributors.‘The Amsterdam Stun’ is published by: Andy & Elly Reeves at Stun Publishing Amsterdam Tel.: 06-28 712 646 Fax: 0842-114 347 e-mail: info@amsterdamstun.com http://www.amsterdamstun.com

The Editor’s Bit is on page 4 this month.

The following people also contributed to this edition of the Amsterdam Stun:• Frank Weston• Franky van Hage• John Gregory• Lin Sargent• Rush• Tommy McKeown

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Page 3

Amanda and Denise in the Stone’s Café are making their debut on Page Three of the Stun!

Most of Marta’s female colleagues in the Flying Dutchman have been on Page Three, so it’s about time she made an appearance.

Page ThreeIt was Karaoke night in Coco’s Outback,

with Hannah, Kaz and Jessie behind the bar.

Anoek and Melissa were behind the bar when we dropped in the Three Sisters Pub.

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Page 4

Happy Birthday Alan, Andy, Annette, Astrid, BG, Bjorn, Brenda, Cassidy, Chris, Corinne, Daniel, Daniella, Diana, Eoghan, Esmeralda, Flo, Frank, Fraser, Gavin, Graham, Hannah, Iris, Janice, Jennie, Jess, John, Jordi, Katey, Kay, Ken, Kevin, Linda, Muriel, Nichole, Oggy, Paul, Paula, Peter, Phil, Rafaella, Ray, René, Rico, Rosemary, Roy, Ruud, Sabine, Shaun, Sien, Stef, Stilyana, Terry, Tracey, Valentijn, Yvonne.

Happy Anniversary Richard & Tineke, Mr & Mrs Singh, John & Thuyet, Amber & Param.

Congratulations Pablo & Tineke on the birth of your son Reyan Lewis.

A warm “Welcome Back” to the Stones Café, now with new owners and staff. Hennie, Roman (with glasses), Amanda and Denise were holding the fort when Andy arrived for the introduction photo-shoot (see next page).

Andy immediately noticed that both Denise and Amanda are prime Page Three material, so they appear there as well. I dare say it won’t be the last time!

Not much else has changed in there, so when you decide to pop in for a drink, it will feel like coming home! Have fun.

We are also introducing a new, and very different, eatery to Amsterdam.

The Brits have known for a long time, but most Dutch don’t get much further than boiled,

The Editor’s BitOK, I know the canals aren’t frozen, but it

was snowing when we were trying to decide what to put on this month’s cover, so we went with a photo I took in February 2012. It could still happen if we get a big freeze this month. Just in case, we’re going to splash out on the Next Day service to have this edition of the Stun printed, giving me time to get them into bars before the weekend and sod the expense!

I made a slight mistake in the instructions for last month’s Prize Crossword; the bit that said name of an Oscar winner and the film they appeared in should have just read answer. It says the same this month, but this time, it’s not a mistake; we really do want the Oscar winner andfilmifyouwanttobeinwithachanceofwinning a meal for two at Molly Malone’s.

We’ve got more available light photos than usual this month; I’ve been experimenting with my camera and if the results meet with approval, I might do it more often because I knowsomeofyoufindmyflashtoobright.

People frequently ask me how they can support the Stun. Well, I’ve pleaded with you to buy photos from the Stun website plenty of times in the past, but there is another way that won’t cost you a thing. If you want to know how, you’ll have to pick up a paper version of the Stun because we can’t tell you online. It won’t bring us much, but every little helps.

Enjoy your Stun!

Andy

ELLY’S

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My mouth is watering while I’m writing this! Go check Jacketz out yourself; I know you will like it. (tel. 020-7740640, www.jacketz.nl). Enjoy.

Shaun picked up his latest prize in Susie’s Saloon, two jugs of Heineken. Last month he also entered the crossword solution, but he did not win that one.

It was won by another regular, Lesley Bathgate. She’s won it before as well. Three times!Thefirsttimeshegaveherwinningstoher son and his girlfriend, but I think she will keep this prize herself.

It’s a thirty Euros voucher from Coco’s, to spend on what ever she fancies. A meal, or drinks, or both! The food in Coco’s is not bad at all, the staff are friendlyandefficient, shewill enjoy it.

Finally, I want to say “Thank You” to our friend P., who helps us with every Stun, but does not want to be mentioned in the paper. So we won’t.

Elly

chips and mash. Stamp-pot is mash, fried only when there’s left over boiled.

I’m talking spuds, of course, nearly every day staple for most Dutch, but not very exciting. Not even interesting.

But now we have Jacketz!

Very successful in Leiden the last four years, Pascal and his partner are now open on 56 Kinkerstraat, with seating capacity up to one hundred.

They only use locally produced (1 lb each!) potatoes, fresh and healthy ingredients for the salads, extra’s and sauces.

RANTS & RAVES

Page 6

Page 7

Anna had a quiet Monday evening shift in Hotel Torenzicht, but at least the captain was there to keep her company.

David and Joaquin posed in front of the bar in Café Tapas Josélito.

When it’s quiet in The End Karaoke, barman Jack likes to get up and sing a song.

Kaliesha and Hassan felt like a change of scenery, so they didn’t pose behind the bar of the Three Sisters Pub.

On The Other Side

Page 8

The Red Light District is alive with music on a Monday night now that the Blue Monday Sessions, that used to be held in Café Schuim, have found a new home at Paleis van de Weemoed on Oudezijds Voorburgwal.

The host of the evening is Big Franky from The Pint, and a very friendly host he is too!

Kevin, Nico and Franklin, along with Johann on drums, make up the house band, but all musicians are more than welcome.

BLUE MONDAY

Page 9

Mondays are magic in Bourbon Street, because that’s when Theo Mosquito hosts the Magic Monday Open Jam.

Linda and Andy perform regularly at the Monday Open Mic Night in Café Candela.

Dominik Sprenger regularly puts in a guest appearance with Archie on Saturday nights in the bar of Hotel Old Nickel.

While he spends the winter in Amsterdam, the legendary Gus Genser is taking over as host of the Sunday night session in the Waterhole, so you’re sure of a rocking end to the weekend!

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TuesdayWeekly

20:00, BackStage Hotel, Open Mic Night, hosted by The Amsterdam Songwriters Guild 20:00, CC Muziek Cafe, Magic Gumball Night & Open Mic, 4 acts 20:30, Cafe Candela, International Karaoke Night, An explosive combination of international songs and funky people from all over the world 20:30, Het Hok, Mosquito Unplugged, Latin Pop Rock 20:30, The Waterhole, Early-bird Jam with Onno, Open pop, rock, funk jam 22:00, The End, Karaoke, over 40,000 English/Dutch songs to choose from. Open til 3 22:30, Maloe Melo, Acoustic Session, with Kevin Chapman & Friends (except 17th)

3rd February 201522:00, Bourbon Street, Gintronix, Electro/Funk €3

10th February 201520:00, Coco’s Outback, Pub Quiz, Entry price: €3, maximum 5 persons to a team. Great Prizes! 20:30, Cafe Pollux, Coco PopShow, Live music pop quiz about music from the 60s until now. Form a team of up to 5 people and play along. 22:00, Bourbon Street, Luis Diaz & Friends, Afro-Funk, Rock, Reggae €3

17th February 201522:00, Bourbon Street, The Trio, power blues & rock’n’roll €322:30, Maloe Melo, VSPA Student Night,

24th February 201522:00, Bourbon Street, Lamar Chase, Blues/Rock €3

MondayWeekly

20:00, Paleis van de Weemoed, Blue Monday Session, Organised by Big Franky (The Pint) & Franklin Madjid (Teeset) 20:30, Cafe Candela, Re-Plugged Open Mic Night, Everyone can have the chance to take up the mic or an instrument to entertain the audience. Drinks are cheap, and the company’s always lively. 20:30, Het Hok, Lamar & Friends, blues/rock 22:00, Bourbon Street, Magic Monday, Open Jam hosted by Theo Mosquito 22:00, The End, Karaoke, over 40,000 English/Dutch songs to choose from. Open til 3 22:30, Maloe Melo, Acoustic Session, with Peter Lavell & his Gritmoaners

9th February 201519:30, Zaal 100, Goeie Zin: singer-songwriter restaurant, Dzuana Bakker (Amsterdam Songwriter Circle) presents: Annemarie Brijder + Dikky & Nico + Dzuana & band 20:00, CC Muziek Cafe, Gypsy Jazz, €420:30, The Waterhole, Jam with the Band, feat. Anno vd Werf

16th February 201519:30, Zaal 100, Goeie Zin: singer-songwriter restaurant, Ingrid Veerman + Joel Steven Sarakula + Grandpa Death Experience 20:00, CC Muziek Cafe, Stompin’ at the CC, with Sebas & his CC Riders €420:30, The Waterhole, Jam with the Band, Featuring from London, Carol Therese Beausaint

23rd February 201519:30, Zaal 100, Goeie Zin: singer-songwriter restaurant, Sleepwalker Station + Monty Pagan + the Trouble Notes 20:00, Molly Malone’s, Pub Quiz, 8 rounds of brain-teasing questions! €2.50 per person, all money taken will be given back out in prizes. Booking ahead advised (0611958949) as they always fill up. 20:00, CC Muziek Cafe, José Lopretti & Friends, half open Latin/funk session, €420:30, The Waterhole, Jam with the Band,

THE STUN

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ThursdayWeekly

20:00, CC Muziek Cafe, JAZzoul session hosted by Wilco Koster, €420:30, Het Hok, Lamar & Friends, blues/rock 22:00, Coco’s Outback, Karaoke Competition, Get a FREE shot before singing and be in with a chance of winning a nice prize! 22:00, The End, Karaoke, over 40,000 English/Dutch songs to choose from. Open til 3 23:30, Maloe Melo, Blues + Rock Session, with Rahim

5th February 201520:00, The Waterhole, Lust For Live, 20:30, De Nieuwe Anita, Nutty Anita’s Comedy Night - Best of Nutty’s, 1 Year Party! hosted by Ken Parsons (In English) €522:00, Maloe Melo, Ziek, funk €522:00, Bourbon Street, Music Collectors, €322:30, The Waterhole, Dr T & the Rockets,

12th February 201520:00, The Waterhole, Moon Addicts, 22:00, Maloe Melo, Distant Smile, bluesrock €522:00, Bourbon Street, The Clocxs, Soul/Pop/Rock €322:30, The Waterhole, Fabric,

19th February 201520:00, The Waterhole, Ken Burn’s Effect, 22:00, Maloe Melo, Bloedgabbers, reggae €522:00, Bourbon Street, Trainwreck Trio, and the Kings of Trash €322:30, The Waterhole, Clocxs,

26th February 201520:00, The Waterhole, band t.b.a., 22:00, Maloe Melo, Bluestone, blues €522:00, Bourbon Street, The AM Funk Band, €322:00, Molly Malone’s, Caolan McLaughlin, 22:30, The Waterhole, Daddy Jack Band,

WednesdayWeekly

20:00, CC Muziek Cafe, Theo Mosquito’s Wednesday Night Jam, 20:30, Het Hok, Lamar & Friends, blues/rock 20:30, The Waterhole, Unplugged Open Mic Jam, with Stan the Man 21:30, Sugar Factory, Mijke en Co Live@sugarfactory, weekly Radio 6 live Soul & Jazz show 22:00, Cafe Pollux, Jukebox Rocola Jam Session, 22:00, The End, Karaoke, over 40,000 English/Dutch songs to choose from. Open til 3

4th February 201522:00, Maloe Melo, Am Fi Bi Student Night, €522:00, Bourbon Street, Ivan Waters, Australian singer/songwriter €3

11th February 201520:00, Molly Malone’s, Pub Quiz, 8 rounds of brain-teasing questions! €2.50 per person, all money taken will be given back out in prizes. Booking ahead advised (0611958949) as they always fill up. 20:30, Rockclub The Cave, Party Cannon (CZ) + Kaasschaaf + Contorted Mind, Slam/grind night to cut the week tastefully in two pieces! €522:00, Maloe Melo, Rockinitis (Beverwijkse rock with ex-Bintangs), followed by Nico’s After Midnight session €522:00, Bourbon Street, Southern Comfort, Blues €3

18th February 201521:30, Maloe Melo, Singer/Songwriter Night, hosted by Dzuana Bakker, followed by Nico’s After Midnight session 22:00, Bourbon Street, Diaz Brothers, Rock/Funk/Reggae €3

25th February 201521:30, Maloe Melo, The New Generation Jam Session, followed by Nico’s After Midnight session 22:00, Bourbon Street, Big Dez, Blues €3

GIG-LIST

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FridayWeekly

20:30, Het Hok, Jazz Night, with students from the Amsterdam Conservatorium 21:00, The End, Karaoke, over 40,000 English/Dutch songs to choose from. Open til 3

6th February 201520:00, The Waterhole, Call Me Blondie, 20:00, CC Muziek Cafe, Cover Band (t.b.a.), €522:00, Bourbon Street, Kenny Bogan & The Lads, A project built around the amazing voice of singer/ songwriter Kenny Bogan featuring mostly original songs which are based on the world-music theme. €522:00, Molly Malone’s, Kenny Hanley, 22:00, Coco’s Outback, Full Moon Party, Get your face and or body painted for free with fluoropaint! 22:30, The Waterhole, Too Big For Words, 22:30, Old Nickel, Theo Mosquito & Friends, 23:00, Maloe Melo, Def Americans, The Johnny Cash Sun Sessions €5

Friday13th February 2015

20:00, The Waterhole, Dear Mother, 20:00, CC Muziek Cafe, Weeah, Earthy grooves to make you move €522:00, Bourbon Street, Nate Dizco, soul & funk €522:00, Molly Malone’s, Gareth & Erik, 22:30, The Waterhole, Cover Up, 22:30, Old Nickel, Robbie & Friends, 23:00, Maloe Melo, Rockadile, Rattle & Roll €5

20th February 201520:00, The Waterhole, Electric Space Cowboys, 20:00, CC Muziek Cafe, Andrew Laureth Band, with DJ Daniel Quiros from 23:30 ‘til late. €522:00, Maloe Melo, X-Offenders - LP Release Party, support act: The Lemmy’s + Special Guests €522:00, Bourbon Street, The Hats, Rock/Blues €522:00, Molly Malone’s, Nige Bray, A great singer songwriter in the best rock tradition 22:30, The Waterhole, Trainwreck Trio, and the Kings of Trash (Australia) 22:30, Old Nickel, Daan Kruit,

27th February 201520:00, The Waterhole, Apelazarus! 20:00, CC Muziek Cafe, Funk Band (t.b.a.), €522:00, Bourbon Street, Nate Dizco, soul & funk €522:00, Molly Malone’s, Olly De Quartz, These party-starters have been the talk of the town since they landed in Amsterdam. A night guaranteed to be one you will always be trying to remember! 22:30, The Waterhole, Kangaroo Dynasty, 22:30, Old Nickel, Theo Mosquito & Friends, 23:00, Maloe Melo, The Alley Cats, rockabilly €5

STUN GIG-LIST

Page 13

SaturdayWeekly

21:00, The End, Karaoke, over 40,000 English/Dutch songs to choose from. Open til 3 22:30, Old Nickel, Archie & Friends, top local & international artists join Archie every week to bring great entertainment in an intimate setting

7th February 201518:00, The Waterhole, Paolo Brazzi, 20:00, The Waterhole, What’s Next, 20:00, CC Muziek Cafe, St. Louis Slim, Blues €522:00, Bourbon Street, JaxSwing, Soul/Funk/Swingbeat €522:00, Molly Malone’s, Mark Condren & Niels, 22:30, The Waterhole, Spit! 23:00, Maloe Melo, Tax and the Outsiders, surprise act: The Sturdy’s €5

14th February 201520:00, The Waterhole, Continental Breakfast, 20:00, CC Muziek Cafe, Soul Band (t.b.a.), €522:00, Bourbon Street, Hurricane Joy, Pop Rock €522:00, Molly Malone’s, Martyn Travis, 22:00, Rockclub The Cave, B.E.P. (NL) + Uhgah Wugah (NL) + Doodskop (NL), 22:30, The Waterhole, Jack’s On Five, 23:00, Maloe Melo,ShuffleKings,Chicago blues €5

21st February 201520:00, The Waterhole, Suzy Red, 20:00, CC Muziek Cafe, René & Giusy’s Birthday Party, with The Cheesy Latin Trio €522:00, Bourbon Street, The Clocxs, Soul/Pop/Rock €522:00, Molly Malone’s, Nige Bray, A great singer songwriter in the best rock tradition 22:30, The Waterhole, Waste! 23:00, Maloe Melo, One Foot in ze Grave, Garage Soul €5

Saturday28th February 2015

20:00, The Waterhole, Mr. Myst, 20:00, CC Muziek Cafe, Live Music, €522:00, Bourbon Street, Kenny Bogan & The Lads, A project built around the amazing voice of singer/ songwriter Kenny Bogan. €522:00, Molly Malone’s, Molly’s Goes Dutch, with all your favourite Dutch and Jordaan classics making sure you’ll be doing the polonaise ‘til the small hours! 22:30, The Waterhole, Shagging Ponies, 23:00, Maloe Melo, Surprise Party (Spanish + South American Bands), DJ-Rengo Estar €5

SundayWeekly

16:30, The Waterhole, Sunday Matinee, 17:00, Cafe Pollux, Lazy Sunday, singer/songwriters (contact Robbie if you would like to play) 20:30, Het Hok, Stan & Friends, pop/rock 22:00, The End, Karaoke, over 40,000 English/Dutch songs to choose from. Open til 3 22:30, Maloe Melo, Acoustic Session, with Lamar Chase 22:30, The Waterhole, Gus Genser’s Jam, High octane rock session!

8th February 201520:00, CC Muziek Cafe, Gypsy Jazz Jam, €422:00, Bourbon Street, Super Sunday, with Nate Dizco & The Dizcats €3

15th February 201520:00, CC Muziek Cafe, Srdjan Ivanovic Blazin’ Quartet, Balkan Jazz €422:00, Bourbon Street,Jesse&TheMuffins,Blues/Rock €3

22nd February 201516:00, De Barones, Woody & The Sidemen, blues/rock n roll 20:00, CC Muziek Cafe, Mary Majestic’s Sunday Night Funk Jam, €422:00, Bourbon Street,Jesse&TheMuffins,Blues/Rock €3

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Contact Andy on 06-28 712 646

Page 14

Ruud, Carmine and Chris were turning on the charm with Louise in Susie’s Saloon.

Pauline from the Blarney Stone came in the Flying Dutchman with her niece Sarah, who was in town with boyfriend Mick.

Stevenwas looking jet-lagged after flyingback from Hong Kong to host the Pub Quiz in Molly Malone’s.

After her shift in Molly’s, Nuala popped into Excalibur for a drink with John and Chrissy.

It’s Nuala again, this time with Caitriona on a Saturday night in the Old Nickel.

ROUND THE BARS

Page 15

AnjaandsonEbbehadjustflowninfromOslo and went straight to the Poolhole to meet up with Case.

Friday night in Susie’s Saloon with Gus, Yuri, Erik and Phil.

Munise, Luisa and Ilze always get a warm welcome from Skip when they drop in Excalibur on their nights off.

Shaun, Hughie and Chris were in the Flying Dutchman... Must have been a Friday!

ROUND THE BARS

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Saturday night in the Flying Dutchman? It must be Shakira!

TheMightyZadokwasflankedbyRobertoand Jordy, behind the bar in Excalibur.

Marcel came behind the bar for a photo with his dad Jur, the king of Maloe Melo,

Friday night at The End Karaoke, with Shalinie, Yair and Desiree behind the bar.

Joost and Terry were behind the bar when we dropped into Bourbon Street.

BEHIND

Page 17

It was an ‘L’ of a night in the Waterhole with Lotte, Lotte and Luana behind the bar.

What the ‘L’, might as well keep the theme going with a picture of Len.

Nice to see Fritz behind the bar when we dropped into CC Muziekcafé.

We haven’t had a photo of Jaap behind the bar of the Poolhole for a while, but Wam talked him into it.

BARS

Page 18

It’s not only great music at Paleis van de Weemoed during the Blue Monday session; there’s also Willem behind the bar!

If it hadn’t already been full, this photo of Zoe and Louise in Susie’s Saloon could have been on Page Three.

Romeo was behind the bar in Bourbon Street, so we had to get a photo.

Rosan posed with the bosses, Pascal and Paul,inJacketz,thefirst“bakedpotatoshop”on mainland Europe. Read about it on page 5.

That’s a toxic looking brew in Candela barman Stefan’s hand!

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Page 19

It was Australia Day in Coco’s Outback, so we had no chance of getting an orderly, posed photo of the bar crew.

Alex was in charge of the burgers and Jarryd the beer, in Burgers & Beer.

No confusion with names when Franky and Franky are behind the bar of the Pint.

BARS

Page 20

Former Corso barman Bob was in the bar, so we had to get a photo of him with Ian.

And one of past and present barmen.

We couldn’t resist taking another one when Marina from the Smoking Bull dropped in.

Café Corso, where Mario and Kwok were on hand to help lubricate the throats of the Saturday night crowd.

Former Amsterdam resident Ian was in town for the weekend, celebrating his 60th birthday with daughter Mel and friends.

ONE NIGHT IN...

Page 21

Marcel was having a night on the town before going back on the road for a European tour with Gerry McAvoy’s Band of Friends.

AfterhisgiginHetHok,Lamarfinishedoffthe night in Bourbon Street.

Rory was in the Waterhole, but was he there as keyboard player, sound engineer or booker?

Gregorio was taking a break while somebody else played bass at the Magic Monday Open Jam in Bourbon Street.

OFF STAGE

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Page 22

Across

Down

1: Salad ingredient. (8)5: Choice. (6)9: After-words? (8)10: Meal. (6)12: Deep, open cracks, like in a glacier. (9)13: Greek woodland deity. (5)14: American sports leagues, abbr. (4)16:Sortofrock,i.e.solidified lava or magma. (7)19:Difficultchoiceoptions.(7)21: British WWII troops entertainment org. (4)24: Caribbean island. (5)25: Sky-diving necessity. (9)27: Nincompoops. (6)28: Lying lowlifes. (8)29: Long, narrow ditch. (6)30: Dormant. (2, 6)

1: Hither. (6)2: Virgin. (6)3: Alternative musical syllables? (3 2)4: Ancient Greek city, now in Turkey. (7)6: Game-birds. (9)7: Inertia. (8)8: Loveroffloraandfauna.(8)11: Citizen of former East Germany. (4)15: Loud and pretentious. (9)17: A bit of a dreamer? (8)18: Deceptive. (8)20: European peaks. (4)21: Made from clay. (7)22: Silences. (6)23: Associated geniuses, and a small star-cluster. (6)26: Seaside. (5)

Last Month’s AnswersThe Older The Wiser Doesn’t Always Apply!

Across: 9 Promote, 10 Scollop, 11 Carport, 12 Re-enter, 13 Sidewards, 15 About, 16 Strands, 19 One hand, 20 Input, 21 Crabeater, 25 Browser, 26 Eyewash, 28 Anapest, 29 Propels. Down: 1 Epochs, 2 Toured, 3 Hobo, 4 Heater, 5 Espresso, 6 Dodecanese, 7 Plethora, 8 Operated, 14 Wine taster, 16 Sailboat, 17 Reproval, 18 Security, 22 Aleppo, 23 Teases, 24 Rehash, 27 Eyot.

And the prize goes to: Lesley Bathgate, who wins A €30 Voucher generously donated by Coco’s Outback.

This month’s Prize Crossword is sponsored by Molly Malone’s Irish Pub, Oudezijds Kolk 9, who have generously donated a Meal for two for the winner. All you have to do is put the letters in the shaded squares into the 2nd grid in the same order they appear to reveal the name of an Oscarwinnerandthefilmtheyappearedin.E-mailyouranswer,alongwith name & contact details, to puzzle@stun.nl or SMS 0628712646 to arrive no later than Friday 27th February 2015. The winner will be drawn from all correct entries and announced in the next Stun.

Stun Prize CrosswordSponsored by Molly Malone’s Irish Pub

Page 23

Sitting in a bar having drinks with a friend, I casually pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said “That’s us in ten years”.He said “That’s a mirror, dipshit!”

*****A Doctor was addressing a large audience in London. ‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’ After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake?’

*****The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You rotten bastard!”The judge stops and says to George in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”George stands up and says, “I’m sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I’ve lived nextdoor to that asshole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.”John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

*****Halfway through my shift at the photo shop yesterday, a guy came in to pick up some photos of his naked wife. Naturally, I’d had a little peek at them, so as I handed them over, I asked “Would you like the negatives?” “Yes please,” he said sheepishly. I said, “Ok then. Your wife’s got saggy tits, a fat arse and she should seriously think about giving that fanny of hers a good trim.”

*****The bible says I will pay for my sins. I already am; Champagne, cocaine and high class hookers don’t come cheap!

JOKES

Page 24

occurred, Costa had his back to Skrtel, so unless he has eyes at the back of his head, how could he possibly have done this with deliberate intent?

Mourinho still maintains that he was completely innocent and perhaps if there had not been another clash later in the game that involved Costa, then just maybe the FA may not have intervened?

What I find more gallingis the Football Association’s inconsistency. In another game, only weeks before, Reheem Stirling was seen to grab a player by the throat before pushing him to the ground. Again this incident was not spotted by the ref and yet the F.A. choose not to interfere.

These double standards personify what is wrong with the game when those people in authority make selective decisions and this applies on an even broader scale to the football world’s governing body Fifa.

At long last, Sepp Blatter’s days as president of this council might be numbered and surely anyone could do better than this 78 year old geriatric who made a career out of stockings and suspenders!

As for the Premiership, it is very much a two horse race between Chelsea and Manchester City and if the London club had won, then it would have been game over. In the end, the 1-1 draw keeps things interesting for now and of course, third placed Manchester United closed the gap a little with a 3-1 home victory against Leicester City.

They say that snap judgments have a way of becoming unfastened, but in the case of the sweetF.A.,theyseemtofindawaytosoldieron regardless.

When Diego Costa seemed to stamp on the ankle of Martin Skrtel in the League Cupsemi-finallastweek,therewas an outcry because referee Michael Oliver did not see the incident, so he appeared to get off scot-free.

These days though, some incidents are not ignored by the Football Association and having analysed the incident, a panel of adjudicators decided that he must serve a three game ban. This was in spite of an appeal by the player himself that apparently fell on deaf ears.

Now I am not condoning his behaviour, because he has a bit of a reputation already in the game of doing some naughty things, but when Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho suggested that he was being victimized, he certainly has a point. If you remember, when the incident

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Chelsea will have to do it without Diego Costa though and he will also miss the forthcoming games against Aston Villa and Everton as he serves out his ban.

In Germany, Bayern Munich have an eight point lead, but what was not expected was their 4-1 defeat away to Wolfsburg, who in 36 encounters with their German counterparts have only won four times!

In the Netherlands, PSV Eindhoven now have a six point lead and although Ajax have clawed their way back into title races from much greater margins, I cannot see it happening this time, as the Amsterdam club is also struggling with form of late.

In the Sky Bet Championship, things could not be closer, with the top four separated by just one point. I cannot remember a campaign quite as close as this and remember, there are two automatic Premier promotion places still up for grabs! Derby are well positioned, but so too are Middlesbrough. Then there are unfancied Bournemouth and Ipswich Town, allfightingtostayincontentiontoo.

The sides that went down are not findinglife so easy. Cardiff are in free fall and Fulham have only recently got to grips with the most competitive domestic league in the world. Norwich are just off those play-off places, but have now hired a rookie Scottish manager who was at the helm at Hamilton Academical before crossing the border.

And finally, I take my hat off to RonaldKoeman, who has turned into a miracle worker at unfashionable Southampton and the bubble does not look as if it is about to burst any time soon.

Frank Weston

Pos. Name On Nr Pts1st Elwin Borgman 6 4 222nd Rick Middelkoop 6 4 223rd Trish Steele 5 5 204th Carlos Macedo 5 4 195th Sydney Blok 5 3 186th Stephen Spencer 5 3 187th Frank Theunissen 4 6 188th Callum Dickie 3 7 169th Peter van der Wal 4 3 1510th Sander Middelkoop 3 6 1511th Buster 4 2 1412th Jude Noonan 4 2 1413th Alan Dempsey 3 5 1414th Ron Koopmans 3 5 1415th Bertus van Feyenoord 4 1 1316th Ken Passey 3 4 1317th Paul Tandy 3 4 1318th David Lourenco 3 4 1319th Ben Stopforth 3 4 1320th Grouty 2 7 1321st Phil Rook 2 7 1322nd Stuart Davidson 3 3 1223rd Nigel French 3 3 1224th Jim McGrath 3 2 1125th Steve Mahon 2 5 1126th Paddy Wynne 2 5 1127th Andy 2 5 1128th Jordy de Leeuw 2 5 1129th Polly Wijn 2 4 1030th Tomasz Kuna 2 3 931st Arun Pankerd 2 3 932nd Michael 2 3 933rd Frank Weston 1 6 934th John Raftery 1 6 935th Boelenspark Rangers 2 2 836th James Talynin Hughes 2 2 837th Eric Donald 1 5 838th Frank Waardenburg 1 5 839th Nix Nicoll 0 8 840th Billy C 2 1 741st Willie Wood 1 4 742nd Philip Justice 1 4 743rd Eric 1 4 744th Josie Gladden 1 3 645th Ann Marie Stopforth 0 5 5

PPL UPDATEHere’s how the Premier Predictions League

table looked on Sunday 1st February 2015.

AMSTERDAMaround

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Franky looked very enlightened, standing outside The Pint.

Nice to see Karen and Johann at the Blue Monday Session in Paleis van de Weemoed.

Lauren and Matthijs left the heat of South Africa for the cold here, but were keeping warm in the Flying Dutchman.

We haven’t had a photo of Chef and Matje together for a while, so here they are, in Molly Malone’s of course.

IN THE BACK

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HELPWhether you live in Amsterdam or are just visiting, we hope you don’t need to make

use of this list. But just in case...

Police/Ambulance/Fire (Emergency only) 112 Police HQ - Elandsgracht 020-559 91 11 Reporting minor crimes 0900 - 88 44Report crime anonymously 0800 - 70 00 Kruispost, O.Z.Voorburgwal 129, 020-624 90 31 Central Doctors Service 088-00 30 600 Pharmacies (Out of hours) 020-592 33 15 STD Clinic, Weesperplein 1, 020-555 58 22 Juridisch Loket (Legal Aid) 0900 - 8020 Emergency Vet 020-694 47 66Dierenambulance 020-626 21 21

Australian Embassy 070-310 82 00 British Consulate 020-676 43 43 Canadian Embassy 070-361 41 11Danish Consulate 020-575 17 79 French Consulate 020-624 83 46 German Consulate 020-673 62 45Indian Embassy 070-346 97 71 Irish Embassy 070-363 09 93 Italian Consulate 020-624 00 43 New Zealand Embassy 070-346 93 24Polish Consulate 020-565 11 55 South African Embassy 070-392 45 01Spanish Consulate 020-620 38 11Swedish Consulate 020-301 45 50Swiss Consulate 020-717 34 16 U.S. Consulate 020-575 53 09

The following should be more usefulPublic Transport Info 0900 - 9292TCA Taxi 020-677 77 77

Night-Shops(Close around midnight)

Avondmarkt De Wittenkade 94 Dolf’s Willemsstraat 79 Sterk De Clerqstraat 1-7 Sterk Waterlooplein 241

Polly took his visiting friends Peter and Vaughn for a late drink in Players.

Drummer Serge and Jet were at the Magic Monday Open Jam in Bourbon Street.

Nico hadn’t seen his old friend Martin in years, so the camera came out in Maloe Melo.

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