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EXT. SHADY STREET IN DENVER - NIGHT
A moving shadow of a man looms large on the side of a
building. Based on the shadow, he’s gotta be six foot easy.
And yoked.
As shadows go, we can’t see much definition, but we just get
a feeling - this is a bad man. Then the shadow stops.
From behind, we see two new shadows - walking quickly.
The first shadow moves again. The new shadows get closer.
The first shadow starts to jog - but the new shadows gain.
Finally, the first shadow breaks into a run and turns a
corner. We pan down and see PHILL COLLINS breathing hard,
peering around the corner.
Then TWO LITTLE KIDS race by and join their awaiting mother.
Phill sighs & shakes his head at himself, and continues
ONTO AN EMPTY OLD URBAN STREET
Chuckling to himself, he visibly relaxes and plugs earbuds
into his phone. When he hits play, classic Disney-ish music
soars.
And that’s ALL WE HEAR.
Now with pep in his step, he continues walking, then stops,
unrolls a Santiago’s menu from his pocket - but drops it.
As he bends down to pick it up, a FRANTIC WOMAN runs past...
quickly followed by a fucking SCARY GUY with a knife!
But when Phill stands up, they turn a corner and are gone.
Oblivious, Phill smooths out and
LOOKS AT THE MENU
The word Audition is hand written and circled by an address.
2.
BACK ON PHILL
Who cranes his neck and really struggles to see the nearest
building’s address.
Meanwhile... a GUY WITH A PISTOL runs behind Phill, crosses
the street and dives for a car. Then comes up SHOOTING!
Phill still looking for the address, also doesn’t notice the
SECOND GUY WITH PISTOL firing on the first guy. Phill shrugs
and continues, while the two guys go the opposite direction.
Phill walks on, so fixated with reading the addresses that
he steps right on a moist personal lubricant.
Disgusted, he stops, turns and wipes his foot off...
Just as three HIGH SCHOOL GUYS sprint past - followed by a
Michael Myers type MAD WOMAN with a goddamn CHAIN SAW!
When Phill turns back around, they’re gone too.
Phill takes a step, then frustrated, he pulls out his phone,
reaches for the earbuds - and right as he unplugs them we
finally HEAR THE CHAOS that surrounds him.
Phill covers his head like in a war zone and looks like he
might have a panic attack. Eyes darting this way and that.
In the distance, a lone SANDWICH BOARD MAN with a sign that
reads "The END is near" slowly ambles in the street.
Phill tries to hide behind a telephone poll and dials.
INTERCUT
With TONY D. MANAGER nervously pacing back and forth.
TONY
(near whispering)
Yello?
PHILL
Tony! It’s Phill!
TONY
Who?
PHILL
Phill? Phill Collins!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.
TONY
(near whispering)
Hey kid, make it snappy. I’m in
some stuff over here.
A SLEAZY CHARACTER flashes a gun in his belt to Tony.
PHILL
Um, Yeaaah - me too! I’m lost!
TONY
Relax kid, you’ll do great. Just
member what I taught ya.
ANOTHER SLEAZY CHARACTER whispers into Tony’s ear then
points to a barefoot AWKWARD GIRL in a coat. The girl
scratches her leg with a foot, and we see crazy hammer toes.
PHILL
No, I don’t belong here!
TONY
Calm down kid, calm down. Everyone
gets stage fright.
Tony gulps as he looks at the gun in Sleazy’s pants.
TONY
(like he’s advising himself)
Just gotta go through with it.
PHILL
I don’t know what I’m doing here! I
don’t even know what this audition
is for! And, I’m like...
Phill watches the Sandwich Board Guy getting closer.
TONY
You find out when you get there.
That’s how it goes sometimes. K, I
gotta ru...
PHILL
Wait! I’m literally about to die,
okay, and I’m starting to re-think
my whole decision to...
TONY
Yeah, I know. I know. Just nerves.
Have faith and keep going, keep
going. You’re in the right place.
4.
Tony hangs up and nervously passes the two Sleazy Characters
who pat their belt, and walks into
A DARK ROOM
After a long beat a light KICKS on.
Tony is seated by two OTHER PEOPLE near a stage. A sign that
reads "Ms. Mile High Manicured" lights up the curtain.
Curtain rises then stops - we see a dozen painted toes -
along with the busted feet of Awkward Girl. Tony turns
around to Sleazy guys, winks, turns back and looks nervous.
BACK ON PHILL
PHILL
(to self)
Keep going? I’m in the right place?
Phill looks up to the CREEPY back alley.
PHILL
Through the back alley of death?
The Sandwich Board Guy with his "The END is near" sign is
right in the middle of the alley. Phill turns to leave,
stops, stares at the word audition. Then turns back around.
Phill slowly approaches the silent Sandwich Board Guy and
self-consciously pushes a button on his phone.
JOEY (OS)
What up bro?
Phill gets closer to the alley, and Sandwich Board Guy
shuffles toward him.
PHILL
Just tryin’ to find this audition.
Sandwich Board Guy gets right in Phill’s way.
PHILL
(awkwardly)
About to walk by a zombie den. You?
Sandwich Board Guy just stares right at Phill’s face.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.
JOEY (OS)
Romero or twenty-eight days later?
Phill goes left, but Sandwich Board is there. Phill goes
right, but Sandwich Board stays in his way.
PHILL
Romero - I think. He hasn’t
mentioned ’brains’ yet though.
Phill jukes left, but Sandwich Board is surprisingly fast.
JOEY (OS)
(disappointed)
You’ll be fine. Oh, told my sister
you’ll finally take her out, so...
EXOTIC VOICE (OS)
(loud into phone)
No talk during massage.
Dial tone.
Phill mumbles, then keeps his eyes on Sandwich Board, while
his hands fly on his phone. Then Phill comes up with the
flash on his phone, BLINDS Sandwich Board and runs for it!
Sandwich Board turns to watch - and the back of his sign
reads "Buddhist Temple End, Crisis Support the Zen Way".
With the flashlight app on, Phill lights up the alley, and
we start to see unsettling graffiti...
Finally Phill nears the end of the alley and sees a
billboard with a man (who we’ll later meet is ’Jack Ace’)
holding a phallic shaped burrito in his mouth while a man’s
hand wipes sauce from his face.
We’re panning with Phill jogging - when he TRIPS and drops
out of frame, but we keep going to the building’s address.
Phill pops up and notices two things. He tripped over a BODY
on the ground, and that this is the location. He found it!
He jumps & does a leg kick - accidentally kicking the body.
Apologizing, Phill walks over the person on the ground,
who’s passed out or possibly dead, and knocks...
Nothing.
He KNOCKS louder this time.
And... nothing.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.
Phill just shakes his head, like fuck my life, when...
MENACING VOICE
What you want white bread?!
Phill turns around and looks at the SCARY BOUNCER.
PHILL
Here for the, um... um, audition?
SCARY BOUNCER
Name?
PHILL
Phillip. Um, Phill.
SCARY BOUNCER
I got a Peterson and Pratt, but no
Phillip or Phill.
PHILL
(smiling)
Oh, that’s funny, no, Phill’s my
first name and...
SCARY BOUNCER
(not smiling)
K Mr. one-name superstar, you ain’t
on my list.
PHILL
Sorry, Collins. Phillip Collins.
SCARY BOUNCER
You’re Phil Collins?
There’s an uncomfortable pause as Scary Bouncer looks like
he might go ahead and beat the shit out of Phill for lying.
SCARY BOUNCER
(giddy as a school girl)
Get outta town?!
He pumps Phill’s hand and has a giant grin.
SCARY BOUNCER
The Tarzan soundtrack changed my
life! I’m a huuge fan - go on
through my man!
Phill can just smile and
7.
ENTERS BRIGHT ROOM
Still waving. When the door shuts he turns around and stops.
And takes in an actual casting hall. Like a nice one. Posh
even. Phill looks unsure, like he’s about to get Punked when
an ATTRACTIVE FEMALE ASSISTANT comes out with a water.
ATTRACTIVE ASSISTANT
(handing water)
Phill? Just take a seat and I’ll
come and get you in a minute.
She exits and when Phill’s alone he allows himself a smile.
He’s actually here, on an honest to god audition.
He checks out the movie posters on the wall... "Kill Phil",
"Space Battles", "Hungover Bridesmaids".
Suddenly the interior door opens and the WORST STAGE MOM
you’ve ever met comes out, yanking her kid’s arm...
WORST STAGE MOM
Why couldn’t you act more natural!
POOR KID WITH WORST STAGE MOM
They were scary.
They reach the exit door, and just before the door closes...
WORST STAGE MOM
I knew I should have adopted that
little Asian girl instead!
POOR KID WITH WORST STAGE MOM
I’m adopted?
The door shuts and Phill does a double take before sitting.
The interior door swings open, and a good lookin’ man-boy
named JACK ACE comes out - in SLOW MOTION. And sparkling.
Back to Phill who looks impressed.
Then back to Jack Ace still in slow motion. Back to a very
confused Phill.
JACK ACE
And that’s how you do Stasalasky’s
technique for slow motion acting...
Thanks Billy.
He looks up at an INTERN on a ladder with a box of glitter.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.
JACK ACE
(walking backwards)
Kisses... You’re fabulous.... Say
hello to the kids.
The door shuts. And like some kind of Keyser Soze
transformation, his sweet demeanor is instantly gone.
Jack Ace turns around and trips over Phill’s leg and CRASHES
to the ground.
JACK ACE
Not cool sport! Not cool! Don’t you
know who I am?!
PHILL
Um...
Phill tries to help him up, but Jack Ace hits his hand.
JACK ACE
Just the biggest commercial actor
in the state of Denver, that’s who
slick!
He pushes Phill and storms off, SLAMMING the exit door.
Phill looks around like that was weird.
Then after a beat - Jack Ace opens the door and sticks his
head back in...
JACK ACE
You really don’t know who Jack Ace
is? Really?! From such commercial
hits as ’Balls Deep Glove Oil’ and
’Reach Around Back Scratcher’?
PHILL
Sorry, I’m kinda new to...
JACK ACE
What, new to sucking?! You just
made my list chief! You’ll rule the
day you ever messed with Jack Ace.
You got that pilgrim!
PHILL
You mean ’rue the day’?
Then the Attractive Assistant comes out.
Jack Ace’s demeanor totally changes.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.
ATTRACTIVE ASSISTANT
Phill?
JACK ACE
Oh, hi Janice! I was just tellin’
amigo here, he better be nice to my
favorite assistant or else. Tell
Jenny I’ll wait outside, kay?
He smiles at the Assistant, gives Phill a look, then exits.
Phill smiles at the Attractive Assistant who holds the door
open... then Phill’s DREAM GIRL comes out!
His eyes nearly bug out as they lock with hers - and she
smiles.
DREAM GIRL
Hiya tiger.
Phill manages a goofy smile, and as she passes, he can’t
help it - he smells the air. He turns and watches her all
the way till she exits.
Phill turns back - and is on cloud nine. Today = win.
Assistant nods her head like, hurry up Phill. Phill rushes
AUDITION ROOM
And stops. We’re in close and see his eyes scanning around.
With an homage to Wes Anderson, we pan over and see vintage
style video equipment, a newspaper reading CLOWN, a yoyo-ing
COWBOY, and in the corner TWO MOBSTER TYPES.
MOBSTER ONE
(to the other one)
This the kid?
(to Phill)
You the kid?
PHILL
I’m Gary and Joan’s kid.
MOBSTER TWO
Look at him bustin’ stones - you
gotta be Tony’s guy, right?
PHILL
Yesss?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 10.
MOBSTER ONE
Yeah well, if the boss’ daughter
don’t win that foot pageant, you
might not be no one’s guy.
MOBSTER TWO
Don’t mind him, Tony’ll be fine.
Unless he won’t be. But that ain’t
none of your concern... Good luck.
The mobsters whisper to themselves, then Mobster One
absently scratches his head with a gun.
The lights dim, and a spotlight shines on Phill.
CASTING DIRECTOR
Okay, Phill, what did you prepare?
Phill may or may not have just wet himself. And a visible
cold sore is now above his lip.
PHILL
(suddenly sweating)
Um..... Um....
The Clown shoots water at Phill.
QUICK CUT TO BLACK
ANNOUNCER
Next time on Acting Out...
It’s broad daylight, there’s a full crew and Phill has a bat
in his hands while a DIRECTOR talks to him.
DIRECTOR
I’m not feeling your anger. I need
you to be - red. You know? Like...
pretend you’re in a shitty job,
with no respect, that you hate...
Phill is about to lose his shit because he’s so angry now.
DIRECTOR
... and some jack hole,
right, some jack hole spits in
your coffee, and makes you drink
it.
CUT TO BLACK
But we still hear A HIGH PITCHED SHRIEKING.
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