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©2014FocusontheFamily
PublishedbyBethanyHousePublishers11400HampshireAvenueSouthBloomington,Minnesota55438www.bethanyhouse.com
BethanyHousePublishersisadivisionofBakerPublishingGroup,GrandRapids,Michiganwww.bakerpublishinggroup.com
Ebookeditioncreated2014Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,storedinaretrievalsystemortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans—forexample,electronic,photocopy,recording—withoutthepriorwrittenpermissionofthepublisher.Theonlyexceptionisbriefquotationsinprintedreviews.
ISBN978-1-4412-2735-5
LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataisonfileattheLibraryofCongress,Washington,DC.
AllScripturequotations,unlessotherwiseindicated,aretakenfromtheHolyBible,NewInternationalVersion®.NIV®Copyright©1973,1978,1984byBiblica,Inc.™UsedbypermissionofZondervan.Allrightsreservedworldwide.www.zondervan.comThe“NIV”and“NewInternationalVersion”aretrademarksregisteredintheUnitedStatesPatentsandTrademarkOfficebyBiblica,Inc.™
FocusontheFamilyisaglobalChristianministrydedicatedtohelpingfamiliesthrive.TheyprovidehelpandresourcesforcouplestobuildhealthymarriagesthatreflectGod’sdesignandforparentstoraisetheirchildrenaccordingtomoralsandvaluesgroundedinbiblicalprinciples.
PRAISEFOR
THEMARRIAGESERIES
Weoftenhearthattheinstitutionofmarriageissuffering.Butthereisgoodnews,too!Bysubmittingtheir
relationshipstoGodandseekingouttherightresources,marriedcouplescanknowwhatitmeanstotrulythrive.That’swhatFocusontheFamily’sMarriageSeriesisallabout.Whetheryou’reinasmallgroup,amentoringrelationship,oryoujustwanttostudyasacouple,thisseriescantransformyourmarriageforthebetter.
JimDalyPresident,FocusontheFamily
Astrongmarriageisthecornerstoneofastronghome,andastronghomeisthecornerstoneofstrongchurchesandcommunities,aswellasournation.TheseBiblestudies
coverthepertinentareasofmakingmarriagesthrive,andIhighlyrecommendthemwhetheryouarenewlymarriedor
seasoned.
Dr.TonyEvansSeniorPastor,OakCliffBibleFellowshipAuthor,KingdomManandKingdom
Woman
Marriageisanamazingadventure—filledwithexcitement,joyandchallenges.FocusontheFamily’sMarriageSeriesexaminesGod’sgiftofmarriageinallofitswonderful
dimensions.Iconsideritaprivilegetobeinvolvedwiththisimportantsetofrelationship-strengtheningresources.
Dr.GregSmalleyVicePresident,FamilyMinistries,FocusontheFamily
Inadayandagewherethecovenantofmarriageissoquicklytossedasideinthenameofincompatibilityandirreconcilabledifferences,amarriageBiblestudythatisbothinspirationalandpracticalisdesperatelyneeded.TheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSeriesiswhatcouplesareseeking.IgivemyhighestrecommendationtothisBiblestudyseriesthathasthepotentialtodramaticallyimpactandimprovemarriagestoday.Marriageisnotsomuch
aboutfindingtherightpartnerasitisaboutbeingtherightpartner.ThesestudiesgivewonderfulbiblicalteachingforhelpingthosewhowanttolearnthebeautifulartofbeingandbecomingallthatGodintendsintheirmarriage.
LysaTerKeurstPresident,Proverbs31MinistriesAuthor,CaptureHerHeart;CaptureHisHeart,
andtheNewYorkTimesBestsellersMadetoCraveandUnglued
TheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSeriesisjustwhatthedoctorordered:It’stimelyandtimeless—chock-fullof
groundedinformationandtoolseverycouplecanputintopracticeimmediately.Youwon’twanttomissoutonthis
incredibleresource.
Drs.Les&LeslieParrottAuthors,SavingYourMarriageBeforeItStarts
Inmy31yearsasapastor,I’veofficiatedathundredsofweddings.Unfortunately,manyofthoseunionsfailed.IonlywishtheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSerieshad
beenavailabletomeduringthoseyears.WhatamarveloustoolyouaspastorsandChristianleadershaveatyour
disposal.Iencourageyoutouseittoassistthoseyouserveinbuildingsuccessful,healthymarriages.
H.B.London,Jr.PastortoPastorsEmeritus,FocusontheFamily
ThismarriagestudyseriesispureFocusontheFamily—reliable,biblicallysoundanddedicatedtoreestablishing
familyvaluesintoday’ssociety.Thisserieswillnodoubthelpamultitudeofcouplesstrengthentheirrelationship,notonlywitheachother,butalsowithGod,thecreatorof
marriageitself.
BruceWilkinsonAuthor,SecretsoftheVine,ALifeGodRewards,DreamGiverandtheNewYork
TimesBestsellerThePrayerofJabez
Lookingforaprescriptionforabettermarriage?You’llenjoythistimelyandpracticalseries!
Dr.KevinLemanBestsellingAuthor,SheetMusic:UncoveringtheSecretsofSexualIntimacyin
Marriage
TableofContents
Cover
TitlePage
CopyrightPage
PraiseforTheMarriageSeries
ForewordbyGaryT.SmalleyandGregSmalley
Introduction
SessionOne:LivingtheUnexpected—Romans8:35,37LivingthroughtheunexpectedtwistsandturnsofremarriagerequiresputtingChristsolidlyatthecenteroftherelationship.
SessionTwo:LivingwithNewChallenges—2Corinthians12:9-10Inthemidstofmisunderstandings,rearrangedfamilydynamicsandthetug-of-warthatgoesoninblendingfamilies,thehopeofChrist’spresencewithusisgreatnews.
SessionThree:LivingwithNewRelationships—1John4:16Inremarriagewesay“Ido”tomorethanjustourspouse;therearechildren,exes,in-lawsandex-in-lawstodealwith.ChristisourexampleaswelearntoshowHisloveindifficultrelationships.
SessionFour:LivingwithNewHope—Romans15:13Statisticsclearlyshowthatremarriagesstruggletosurvive.However,inChristwecanbemorethananotherstatistic—wehavehopebecauseHedwellswithinus!
Leader’sDiscussionGuide
Notes
BackAds
BackCover
Foreword
FocusontheFamily’sTheFamilyProjectisthelargestsingleinitiativeintheministry’shistory.Itisdesignedtoaddressthequestionofwhethertheinstitutionsofmarriageandfamily,asGodcreatedthemandexplainstheminScripture,arestillbestforhumanhealthandhappiness.Inadayandagewhentheseinstitutionsseemtoundergoconstantredefinition—andwhendivorceandthecomplexitiesofdailylifearetakingadevastatingtollonmarriageandfamily—weneedtoaskwhatGodhadinmindwhenHemadetheminthefirstplace.TheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSeriesisakeyresourcein
thatinitiative.BasedonthebookYourMarriageMasterpiece,thisserieslooks“behindthecurtain”ofhistory.OtherpartsoftheprogrammakethecasethatmarriageandfamilyreflectthenatureofGodHimself;thisserieslooksingreaterdetailatthemanyaspectsthatmakeupthedivinemasterworkthatisthemarriagerelationship.FocusontheFamilyiswellknownandrespectedworldwide
foritssteadfastdedicationtopreservingthesanctityofmarriageandfamilylife.Thisseriesiswellwritten,biblicallysoundandrightontargetforguidingcouplestoexplorethefoundationGodhaslaidformarriageandtoseeHimastherolemodelfortheperfectspouse.Throughthisseries,seedswillbeplantedthatwillgerminateinyourheartandmindformanyyearstocome.Inourpractical,bottom-lineculture,weoftenwanttojump
overthewhyandgetstraighttothewhat.Wethinkthatbydoingthesixstepsorlearningthefiveways,wewillreachthegoal.Butdeep-rootedgrowthisslowerandmorepurposefulandbeginswithawell-groundedunderstandingofGod’sdivinedesign.Knowingwhymarriageexistsiscrucialtomakingthehow-tosmoreeffective.MarriageisagiftfromGod,auniqueanddistinctcovenantrelationshipthroughwhichHisgloryand
goodnesscanresonate,andonlythroughknowingthearchitectandHisplanwillmarriagesbebuiltonthesurestfoundation.Godcreatedmarriage;Hehasaspecificpurposeforit,and
HeiscommittedtofillingwithfreshlifeandrenewedstrengtheachunionyieldedtoHim.Godwantstogathertheheartsofeverycoupletogether,unitetheminloveandwalkthemtothefinishline—allinHisgreatgraceandgoodness.MayGod,inHisgrace,leadyouintoHistruth,strengthening
yourlivesandyourmarriage.
GaryT.Smalley
SmalleyInstituteandBestsellingAuthor
GregSmalleyVicePresident,FamilyMinistry,FocusontheFamily
Introduction
AtthebeginningofcreationGod“madethemmaleandfemale.”“Forthisreasonamanwillleavehisfatherandmotherandbeunitedtohiswife,andthetwowillbecomeoneflesh.”Sotheyarenolongertwo,but
one.Mark10:6-8
TheBlendedMarriagecanbeusedinavarietyofsituations,includingsmallgroupBiblestudies,SundaySchoolclasses,counselingormentoringsituations.Acouplecanalsousethisbookasanat-homemarriage-buildingstudy.Eachofthefoursessionscontainsfourmaincomponents.
SessionOverview
TillingtheGroundThisisanintroductiontothetopicbeingdiscussed—commentaryandquestionstodirectyourthoughtstowardthemainideaofthesession.
PlantingtheSeedThisistheBiblestudyportioninwhichyouwillreadScriptureandanswerquestionstohelpdiscoverlastingtruthsfromGod’sWord.
WateringtheHopeThisisatimefordiscussionandprayer.Whetheryouareusingthestudyathomeasacouple,inasmallgrouporinaclassroomsetting,talkingaboutthelessonwithyourspouseisagreatwaytosolidifythetruthandplantitdeeplyintoyourhearts.
HarvestingtheFruitAsapointofaction,thisportionofthesessionofferssuggestionsonputtingthetruthoftheWordintoactioninyourmarriagerelationship.
SuggestionsforIndividualCoupleStudy
Thereareatleastthreeoptionsforusingthisstudyasacouple.
Itmaybeusedasadevotionalstudythateachspousewouldstudyindividuallythroughtheweek;thenonaspecifiedday,cometogetheranddiscusswhatyouhavelearnedandhowtoapplyittoyourmarriage.Youmightchoosetostudyonesessiontogetherinaneveningandthenworkontheapplicationactivitiesduringtherestoftheweek.Becauseoftheshortlengthofthisstudy,itisagreatresourceforaweekendretreat.Takeatripawayfortheweekend,andstudyeachsessiontogether,interspersedwithyourfavoriteleisureactivities.
SuggestionsforGroupStudy
Therearemanywaysthatthisstudycanbeusedinagroupsituation.ThemostcommonwayisinasmallgroupBiblestudyformat.However,itcanalsobeusedinanadultSundaySchoolclass.Howeveryouchoosetouseit,therearesomegeneralguidelinestofollowforgroupstudy.
Keepthegroupsmall—fivetosixcouplesisprobablythemaximum.Askcouplestocommittoregularattendanceforthefourweeksofthestudy.Regularattendanceisakeytobuildingrelationshipsandtrustinagroup.Encourageparticipantsnottoshareanythingofapersonalorpotentiallyembarrassingnaturewithoutfirstaskingthespouse’spermission.Whateverisdiscussedinthegroupmeetingsistobeheldinstrictestconfidenceamonggroupmembersonly.
Thereareadditionalleaderhelpsinthebackofthisbook.
SuggestionsforMentoringorCounselingRelationshipsThisstudyalsolendsitselfforuseinrelationshipswhereonecouplementorsorcounselsanothercouple.
Amentoringrelationshipcouldbearrangedthroughasystemsetupbyachurchorministry:Acouplethathasbeenmarriedforseveralyearsisassignedtomeetonaregularbasiswithayoungercouple.Alessformalwaytostartamentoringrelationshipisforayoungercoupletotaketheinitiativeandapproachacouplethatexemplifyamature,godlymarriageandaskthemtomeetwiththemonaregularbasis.Orthereversemightbeamaturecouplethatapproachesayoungercoupletobeginamentoringrelationship.
Whenaskedtomentor,somemightshyawayandthinkthattheycouldneverdothat,knowingthattheirownmarriageislessthanperfect.Butjustaswearetodisciplenewbelievers,wemustlearntodisciplemarriedcouplestostrengthenmarriagesinthisdifficultworld.TheLordhaspromisedtobe“withyoualways”(Matthew28:20).Beforeyoubegintomentoracouple,firstcompletethestudyyourselves.Thiswillservetostrengthenyourownmarriageandprepareyouforleadinganothercouple.Bepreparedtolearnasmuchormorethanthecouple(s)youwillmentor.
TheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSeriesisbasedonAlJanssen’sTheMarriageMasterpiece,aninsightfullookatwhatmarriagecan—andshould—be.Inthisstudy,wearepleasedtoleadyouthroughthewonderfuljourneyofdiscoveringthejoyinyourmarriagethatGodwantsyoutoexperience!
LIVINGTHEUnexpected
WhoshallseparateusfromtheloveofChrist?Shalltroubleorhardshiporpersecutionorfamineornakednessor
dangerorsword?...No,inallthesethingswearemorethanconquerorsthroughhim
wholovedus.Romans8:35,37
Deathofthedreamisthecommonthreadweavingthroughablendedmarriage.Mostpeopledon’tgrowupwithawishtobemarriedmorethanonce.Thetypicaldreamistomeettherightperson,fallinlove,buildalifetogetherandlivehappilyeverafter.Butformanythedreamofhappilyeverafterwascutshortbydeathordivorce.Thusbeganthejourneyofstartingover.Ablendedmarriageisfoundationallydifferentfromafirst
marriagebecauseitisthecomingtogetheroftwopeoplewhohavesufferedlossandhurtinapreviousrelationship.Wewalkdowntheaislewithbaggagethatnoonecansee—emotionalwoundsandhurtsfromthepastthatthreatentopreventusfromtrulyexperiencingloveagain.Wallsofprotectionthatwepreviouslybuilttowithstandthepainoflosscannowkeepusself-focusedandunabletofullyyieldourselvestoanotherperson.Whileseekinganotherchanceatlove,wemustrealizethatitispossibleforthisnewrelationshiptobelivedinthe
spiritofrestorationandacceptanceofwhatisnowournewreality.TheonlywaytosurvivetheunexpectedtwistsandturnsofremarriageistoputChristsolidlyatthecenteroftherelationship.
TillingtheGroundOurdreamsshapeourexpectations.Ineverymarriagerelationshipthereareblessingsaswellaschallengesandsurprises.Examiningourexpectationshelpsusidentifyunrealisticthinkingthatmightaffectourrelationships.Let’sfaceit,livingintheblenderissometimes(orsomemaysay“often”)achallengingmixofhis,hersandours,aswellasin-lawsandex-laws(orisit“out-laws”?)!
1.Whatwereyourexpectationsasyoustartedoverinthisnewmarriage?
Whatdidthisnewrelationshipandnewfamilylooklikeinyourdream?
2.Whathasbeenthebiggestsurpriseorconcernasrealityhashityourrelationship?
3.Inlightofthechallengesyouhaveexperiencedsofar,whathasproventobethegreatestblessinginthismarriage?
4.Whatoutsideforcesareintrudingintoyourhomeandchallengingyourrelationshipwithyourspouse?
Lifeisfulloftheunexpected.Therearemanythingsthatwecannotcontrol.Thisisespeciallytrueinablendedmarriage.Oftentherearemanycircumstancesinvolved:newfamilytiesbeingformed,oldfamilytiesstrugglingforsurvivalandmisunderstandingsalongtheway.Still,throughallofthese
things,wecanlearntorelyontheloveofChrist—alovethatisdeep,rich,unconditionalandveryreal.ItisHislovethatwillenableustogothedistancewhilelivingintheunexpectedandunchartedterritoryofablendedmarriage.
PlantingtheSeedExpectationsrunhighineverymarriagerelationship.Oftenourexpectationsdon’tmatchwhatsoonbecomesourreality.Becauseofpastcircumstancesandrelationships,wewillundoubtedlybechallengedbydifficultsituationsthatwemayhaveneveranticipated.Thoughtherearemanynewblessings,stilltheroadissometimesrockyandthepathunbelievablyhard.InsuchcircumstancesweareoftentemptedtothinkthatevenGodhasleftus.
NotForsaken
TheapostlePaulremindsusinthebookofRomansthatnothingshallseparateusfromtheloveofChrist.Weallgothroughchallengesinlife,butnoneofthemcanseparateusfromHimwholovesus.Andbecauseofthispromisewecanalsobevictorsratherthanvictimsofchallengesandcircumstances.
5.WhatdidJesusChristtellustoexpectinJohn16:33?Andwhatisthepromiseofthisverse?
Thewordtranslated“trouble”hereistheGreekwordthlipsiswhichcanalsobetranslatedinthefollowingways:distress,hardships,suffering,persecution,afflictions,trials,anguish,hardpressed,severetrial,tribulations.[1]
6.Whataretheproblemscommonlyexperiencedinablendedmarriage?
ThewordsJesusspoketoHisdisciplesarestillpertinenttoustoday.IfwebackuptothebeginningofJohn16,wecanseethatHeiswarningthemofhardtimestocome,butHeclearlypromisesthemthatHewillnotleavethemhangingoutonalimbtofigurethingsoutontheirown.Inverses5through15HetoldthemoftheworkoftheHolySpiritintheirlives.
7.WhatdoesJesussayabouttheworkoftheHolySpiritinJohn16:5-15?
Howdoesthisrelatetohandlingdifficultcircumstances?
TheHolySpiritcomestoleadusandguideusintoalltruth.Truthsetsusfreeandenablesustotakeheartandtobeofgoodcheerdespitetheunexpecteddramasoflifethatoccurinablendedmarriage.
8.Whathappensinsideyouwhenyourlifecircumstancesarehard?
Howcanthesefeelingsaffectyourmarriage?
Inourculturelifehasbecome“allaboutme”andmypersonalpursuitofhappiness.ThisselfishattitudehasevenshapedthewayweasChristiansviewlife.However,thisisnotthewayourlifeistobeviewedaccordingtoScripture.Insteadofviewingourlifeasbeingforourownpleasure,wearetolivetopleaseGod.Butoften,inablendedmarriage,becauseofpasthurts,twopeoplecometogethergraspingathappinessthathasseemedtoeludethem.TheresultscanbedevastatingifthefocusisnotreadjustedandalignedtothetruthinGod’sWordforusasindividualswhobelongtoHim.
9.WhatdidtheapostlePaulsayabouthishardshipsin2Corinthians1:8-10?
10.Accordingto2Corinthians1:9-10,Paulwascertainlyfeelingdespair.However,eveninthemidstofhardship,hechosetoputhishopeinGod’sdeliverance.Howcanthissamechoiceaffectthoseinablendedmarriage?
Thereisapositivesidetochallenge.ScriptureisclearthatchallengesarepartoflifeandthattheyactuallybenefitussincetheycauseustodependonGod’sstrengthinourdailyworld.Itreallyisallaboutafocuschange.Ratherthanfocusingonthedifficultiesandfallingintodiscouragementanddespair,wecanlearntofocusonGod’spurpose:tochangeusthroughourdifficultcircumstancestobemorelikeChrist.Oneviewproducesafeelingofbeingtrapped;theotheranassuranceofempowermenttoriseaboveandgrowthroughthehardtimes.
DealingwiththeUnexpected
Whendealingwiththeunexpected,weneedtokeepinmindthreethings:
1. WemustbehonestwithGod,tellingHimhowsituationshurt,howhardtheyaretohandle,howwecannotdotherightthinginourownstrength,etc.
2. WemustfindourhopeinHisfaithfulness,choosingtostandinthepromisesofGod’sWord,tellingourselvesthetruthandlettingtruthbringhopetoourheart.
3. WemusthumbleourheartandwilltoHisplanforourlife;humilityisthepathwaytobeingtrulyfree.It’stimetobelievethatGodiswhoHesaysHeisandthatHecanbetrustedwitheverything.
BeHonestOftentimeswehideourtruefeelings,stuffingthosethingsthatweareashamedofdowndeepinourhearts.Thiscourseofactionwillkeepusstuckindespairwhentheunexpected
strikes.InsteadwearetocomebeforeGod,tellingHimallofourhurts,caresandlongings.
11.Whatdoes1Peter5:7saywecandoaboutouranxiety?
12.Philippians4:4-6givesclearinstructiononwhatwearetodowhenfacedwithaproblem.Whatarewecommandedtodoineverysituation?
13.Howwouldfollowingthesedirectionshelpacouplemeetthechallengesthatarespecifictoablendedmarriage?
DescribeatimewhenyouactuallyturnedadifficultsituationovertotheLordandreceivedHishelpandguidance.
It’simportanttorememberthatourchallengesinthoughtandcircumstancearenotuniqueandunconquerable.Othersinsimilar(orperhapsevenworse)situationsarelearningtobehonestandprayerfulintheirblendedmarriage.Aswelearntobehonestwithourselves,ourmatesandtheLord,wewillalsolearnhowtoturnanxietyandconcernintoprayerandpraise.WhenwetrustintheLord,wewillbegiventhepeacethatproducesnewhope.
BeHopeful
14.In1Peter5:7wearetoldthatwecancastallofourcaresupontheLord.Howcanwedothatwithconfidence?
15.Whatispromisedin1Peter5:10?
Haveyoupersonallyexperiencedrestorationafteradifficulttime?Explainwhathappened.
16.AccordingtoJames1:2-4,whatisthepurposeoftrials?
Howcanthispassageprovidehopeduringthechallengesofablendedmarriage?
“After[we]havesufferedalittlewhile”(1Peter5:10)isaninterestingconcept,isn’tit?Wedon’twanttosuffer.Butitisanecessarypartofthelifeprocess,bringingustorestorationandactuallymakinguscomplete.Sufferingproducesmenandwomenofstrength.Italsoproducespeopleofperseverancewhoareabletokeeptheircommitmentandfinishthecoursesetbeforethem.
17.WhatdoesPhilippians4:6-7promisewillhappenwhenwetakeourproblemsandapplythe“prayer,petitionandthanksgiving”principle?
Havingapeacethattranscendsunderstandingisanamazingpromise.Itmeansthatalthoughwedon’tunderstandthewhysorhowsofourcurrentsituation,westillhavepeacebecauseourhopeisinChrist,whoisalwaystrustworthy.
BeHumbleJesuscametodothewilloftheFather.HewasaboutHisFather’sbusiness.HeclaimedthatHislifewasnotHisown.ItisthroughhumilitythatweareabletolaydownourowndesiresanddreamsforthewilloftheOnewhocreatedusforHisglory.
18.HowislayingdownourcaresandgivingthemtotheLordanactofhumility?
19.WhatisthehardestthingaboutyourmarriageforyoutolaydownforfearthatGodwillnotworkitoutthewayyouwouldlikeittobeworkedout?
20.Whatdoes1Peter5:5-6tellustodothatwouldhelpwhendealingwiththeunexpectedissuesthatcomeupinourblendedmarriagerelationship?
21.Howdoespridegetinthewayofdealingwithissuesfairly?
22.Howdoespersonalpridegetinthewayofhealingpastpersonalhurts,emptyingoldemotionalbaggageordealingwitheachother’schildrenorrelatives?
Asyouworkthroughthechallengesofblendingyourmarriage,youcantrustintheLordtomeetyourneedsandhelpyoucomethroughthetoughtimesstronger.Remembertobehonest,behopefulandbehumble.
WateringtheHopeThechallengesinablendedmarriagewilltakeuswheretherubbermeetstheroadinourdailylives.Itiseasytowalkbyfaithwheneverythingisfine.It’snotsoeasytowalkbyfaithwhenGodcallsustoliveinwaysthatgoagainstthegrainofourfleshorourpride.Ourfleshandpridelongforhappinessatallcosts.Inanymarriagethiscouldcausealotofproblems,butinablendedmarriagetheremaybeevenmoredynamicsthatpusholdbuttons,bringouttheworstinusandmakeiteasytosinkintoselfishliving.Godoffersabetterway.Hehasmoreforusthanlivingasunbelievingblendedcouplesdo.HegaveusthegiftofHisSpirittoleadusandguideusintotruth.Remember,truthsetsusfree!Considerthefollowing:
JenandMikehadbeenmarriedjust18monthswhenproblemsstartedtoerupt.HertwochildrenbecameafocalpointofjealousyandbitternessforMike’sex-wifeandhisonlydaughter.BeforelongbothJenandMikewere
embroiledinacompetitiontoprotecttheirownturf.Steepedinprideandunwillingtoletgo,theirmarriagealmostcametoadevastatingend.Realizingtheirloveforeachother,bothJenandMikeknewthatsomethinghadtochange.Inthemiddleoftheirstorm,bothofthemrealizedthattheirprideandstubbornnesscausedthemtodigtheirheelsinatallcosts.Theywereeachviewingtheirchildrenfromtheirfirstmarriagesas“hisandhers”ratherthan“theirs,”andinsodoingtheywereunconsciouslydrawinglinesandmakingtwocompetingteamsratherthanonenewfamily.[2]
23.WhatisitaboutJenandMike’ssituationthatcouldeventuallyleadtoabreakdownoftheirnewmarriageandfamily?
24.Whatcancoupleswhocometogetherandmergetheirlivesandfamiliesdotolessenthepresenceofpride,protectionandownership?
25.RereadRomans8:35,37atthebeginningofthissession.WhatcanmakeaspouseinablendedmarriagefeelseparatedfromGod’slove?
26.Romans8:37saysthatinallthesethingswearemorethanconquerors.Howcouldacoupleapplythisversetowalkingthroughthenewchallengingterritoryofablendedmarriage?
Allrelationshipshavetimesofstruggle.Unfortunatelyinablendedmarriagealliancesmakeiteasytocreatesides.Ourprideandpersonalfamilyprejudiceaddtothepressuretocreatenewteams.Therecomesatimewhenacommitmenttothenewrelationshipmustbefirmlyreestablished.Thefirmstanceofthisnewcommitmentcallsforhonesty,humilityand
largedosesofhope.ThenwewillexperiencethepowerofGodintercedingonourbehalf.
HarvestingtheFruit
27.Whatarethethings—attitudes,situations,feelings,etc.—thathaveputstressonyourrelationship?Makealistofthesethingsanddiscusswithyourspousehowyoueachcanbehonest,hopefulandhumbleindealingwiththemtogether.
Behonestwithyourspouseaboutyourfeelingsregardingdisappointmentswiththechallengesofyourblending.Ifyouneedtoconfesstoyourspouse,doso,askingforprayer,cleansingandhealing.
28.Sharewithyourspousethepassageinthislessonthatmostspoketoyouandhowyouplantoapplyittodailylife.
ThisweekmemorizePhilippians4:6-8.Asacouple,askGodtohelpyouapplythisverseanditsprinciplestoyourlifeandmarriage.IfyoudonotalreadymemorizemeaningfulScripture,begintomakeitapriority.HavingGod’sWordinyourmindcanhelp,comfortandencourageyouinthemidstofadifficultsituation.Regularlysetsometimeasideforeachother.Taketime
rightnowtoplanadatetospendtimewithoneanotherwithoutinterruptionsordistractions.Whatarrangementsdoyouneedtomaketokeepyourdate?Createaspaceandtimeforprivateconversation.Listentoyourspouse.Don’tjudge,criticizeortrytofixyourspouse.Listentotheheartoftheonetowhomyouhavecommittedyourheart.
TogetherconfesstoGodyourfaultsandinabilitytoacceptallchallengesinyourblendedmarriage.AskforHishelpandforHisgraceandguidance.ThroughouttheweekthankGodforthehopeyouhaveinChrist.Remindyourspouseofyourcommitmenttohimorher,andthankGoddailythatnothingseparatesyoufromHisloveandthatinChristyouandyourspousearemorethanconquerors.
LivingWITHNEW
Challenges“Mygraceissufficientforyou,formypowerismadeperfectinweakness.”
ThereforeIwillboastallthemoregladlyaboutmyweaknesses,sothatChrist’spowermayrestonme.Thatiswhy,forChrist’ssake,Idelightinweaknesses,ininsults,inhardships,inpersecutions,indifficulties.ForwhenIamweak,thenIam
strong.
2Corinthians12:9-10Christiansinablendedmarriageoftencometoacrisisofbelief,aforkintheroadoratleastanabruptturningpointwhenfacedwiththenew,andsometimestricky,challengesthatcomeupinaremarriage.Whatonceseemedlikeanewchanceforaperfectloveandaperfectfamily,asportrayedbyTheBradyBunchTVseries,endsupbeingfarremovedfromtheglitzandglamourofaHollywoodset.Whatonceseemedliketheperfectideaforthefuturecanbecomethebiggestchallengeeverfaced.Thoughsomecouplesseeminglyblendwellfromthestart,mostblendthroughtrial,errorandstruggle.Inablendedmarriagethecoupleconstantlyneedstobeflexibleasindividualswhileremindingthemselvesnotto
giveintothetemptationofisolationandselfishness—justdoingthingstheirownway.Thankfully,ChristpromisesthatHewillneverleaveusor
forsakeus.Inthemidstofmisunderstandings,rearrangedfamilydynamicsandthetug-of-warthatgoesonasrelationshipsfindtheirnewsettlingplace,thehopeofChrist’spresencewithusisgreatnews.
TillingtheGroundTherearemanyadjustmentstobemadeasanewcouplesiftsthroughtherubbleoftheoldlifetobuildanewone.Oftenthissiftingrevealsproblems.Butwhenourfocusshiftstotheall-sufficientpowerofChristwithinus,thesiftingcanbringaboutnewfoundfreedomandalong-awaitedpeace.First,wehavetobehonest—steppingoutofdenial.
1.Whatchallengesdoyouthinkarecommontomostblendedmarriagesthataredifferentfromthoseofcoupleswhoareinafirstmarriage?
2.Whencomparedtoreallife,whatweresomeoftheunrealisticaspectsofTheBradyBunchTVseries?
3.IfanewrealityshowcalledBlendedFamilyLifewerecreated,whatwouldsomeoftheepisodesorscenarioslooklike?
BlendedFamilyLifeisnotfilmedonatelevisionset,anditiscertainlynotscriptedbysomecraftywriterswhocancontrolhoweachepisodewillend.Inthisnewrealityeverydayisanewdayandanewexperience.Outsideforcesaswellaspastemotionalandevenfinancialbaggagecanthreatenthismarriageateveryturn.Attimesthoseinablendedmarriagefeeltheproblemsaretoomuchtobear,toodifficulttoendure
andtoohardtolivethrough.Ittakeshumilityorbrokenness—andsometimesboth—foracoupleinablendedmarriagetoadmitthattheycannotadjusttosomeofthesenewdynamicswithouthelp.ThroughChristandHisstrength,theycannotonlysurvive,buttheycanalsoliveinstrengthandpower.
PlantingtheSeedLearningtorelyonGod’sstrengthisabiblicalbasicthatmostbelieversdonotseektolearnaboutGod’spoweruntiltheyarepressuredbytherealitiesofanot-so-perfectlife.Inablendedmarriage,relyingonGod’sstrengthandpowertosustainusisessentialtomakingittothefinishline.ItisalsoimportanttoseehowrelyingonGodmakesusstrongerthanwewerebefore.TheapostlePaulwrotefrequentlyinhisepistlesabouthis
weaknesses,hardshipsandbeingpressedhardoneveryside.Yetinspiteofthesehardshipsandtrials,hewasnotcrushed.HisjourneytohumilityanddependenceonJesusChristwaswhatmadehislifepurposefulandeffectiveintheend.Coulditbethatthechangesandchallengespressinginon
youasyoumaneuverthroughyourblendedmarriagewillmakeyourlifemorepurposefulandeffectiveintheend?DependenceonChristbeginswhenallyourpersonalresourcesaredepleted.Ifyouaredepleted—wornoutfromthechallengesandconfusedbyallthepiecesofthispuzzlecalled“theblendedfamily”—youareactuallyinagoodplace.Nowyouhaveachoice:Youcanmerelygothroughitoryoucangrowthroughit.Ifyouchoosetogrow—babystepbybabystep—youwillbeclosertoyourfullmaturityinChrist.
4.In2Corinthians1:3-4,howdidPauldescribetheLord?
Thedictionarydefinitionsfortwoofthewordsusedinthispassageare
Compassion:Asufferingwithanother;painfulsympathy;asensationofsorrowexcitedbythedistressormisfortunesofanother.[1]Comfort:Tostrengthen,toinvigorate,tocheerorenliven.Tostrengthenthemindwhendepressed;toconsole;togivenewvigor,torelievefromthedepressionoftroubles.[2]
5.Thinkofonecurrentchallengeyourmarriageisexperiencing.WhatcomestomindwhenyouthinkofGodtheFathersufferingwithyouinthatchallenge?
WhatcomestomindwhenyourealizethatinChristyoucanberelievedfromthedepressionthatoftencomeswithtroubles?
6.Accordingto2Corinthians1:3-7,whatisthepurposeofthecomfortwereceiveinourchallengesandsufferings?
7.In2Corinthians1:8-10,PaulexplainedthepressurehefacedwhileinAsia.Howlowdidthepressuretakehim?
8.WhatwasthepurposeofPaul’ssufferingsaccordingto2Corinthians1:9?
OnwhatdidPaulsethishope?
9.WhatwouldrelyingonGodandnotyourselflooklikeintherealworldofyourblendedmarriagerelationshipswithyourchildren,stepchildren,in-laws,exesandspouse?
10.ReadPsalm18—apsalmofdeliverance.DavidsangthispsalmtotheLordwhenhewasrescuedfromallhisenemies
andfromSaul(see2Samuel22:1-51).Whatversefromthispsalmspeakstoyoumostandwhy?
Psalm18:2describesseveralwaysthatGodisabletodeliverusfromharm.ListthecharacteristicsofGodinrelationtoHispeopleduringtimesoftrouble.
Whichcharacteristicdoyoumostneedinyourpresentsituation?Explainwhy.
Itisclearthatifweneedprotection,wearetolooktoGodwhoisall-powerful.Heisourrock.HecannotbemovedandHisfaithfulnessisnotaltered,despitetheever-changingcircumstancesoflife.Heisalwaysaplaceofsafetyandrefuge:arock,afortress,ashield,thestrengthofoursalvationandourstronghold.InherbookBlendedFamilies,authorMaxineMarsolini
quotessomealarmingfacts.
MorethanhalfofAmericanstodayhavebeen,arenow,orwilleventuallybeinoneormorestep-situationsduringtheirlives.Whyshouldthisstatisticalarmus?Becausethestepfamilypopulationisgrowingeachyear.TheNationalInstituteofChildHealthandHumanDevelopment’snewestdemographicprojectionsshowthatbytheyear2000moreAmericanswillbelivinginstepfamiliesthaninnuclearfamilystructures.TheInstituteenlistedDr.JamesBraytobeginan
extensivestudyofthestepfamily.In1984heandhisgrouplaunchedwhatbecameanine-yearstudyoffamilieslivingwithastepparent,inparticularastepfather.Oneofthefindingsofhisresearchwasthehighincidenceofdivorceinsecondmarriages.Nearly60percentoftheseunionswerenotsurviving.Manyfailedtomakeitpastthefirsttwoyears.[3]
Statisticsliketheseremindusthatconflictsinaremarriagearepartoftheunchartedterritory.ItalsoisareminderthatnotonlydoweneedthecomfortandcompassionofGod,butwealsoneedHisstrengthanddeliverance—forsuchatimeasthis.
LivinginHisStrength
Thereisastoryin2Chronicles20aboutKingJehoshaphatandhowhehandledthenewsofpendingtrouble.Inthischapterwecanfindmanythingsthatwillhelpusstaystrongnomatterhowmanydifficultsituations,obstaclesorseemingenemiesweface.
11.In2Chronicles20:1-3,whatthreatwasJehoshaphatfacing,whatwashisimmediatereactionandhowdidherespondtothethreat?
12.Describeatimeinyourlifewhenitfeltlikeanenemyarmywascomingagainstyou.Whatwasyourimmediatereactionandhowdidyourespondtothethreatofdangerordiscomfort?
Inthispassagewecanseethreesignificantthings:
1. Jehoshaphatwasinformedinadvance.2. Jehoshaphatwasimmediatelyalarmedbywhatheknewtobecoming.
3. JehoshaphatmadethedecisiontoseektheLord.
Thoseofusinablendedmarriagehavebeeninformedinadvancebyfactsandstatisticsthatlifewillsometimesbehard,evenseeminglyimpossible,toendure.Jesushasalsowarnedusthatwewouldhavetroublesinthislife(seeJohn16:33).Thisis
alarminginour“Ijustwanttobehappy”culture.Ourculturehasconditionedustowatchoutfornumberoneandtofollowourownheart.Yet2Chronicles20teachesthatwhenwearealarmedbylife’schallenges,weneedtofocusontheLordandseekHishelp.
13.WhatdoesJeremiah17:9sayaboutthehumanheart?
ItisimportanttorememberthatGodisalwaysworkinginusattheheartlevel.Thoughtheworldaroundusmayseemoutofcontrolandourcircumstancesmayseemcrazy,Godisalwaysatwork.Hismainconcernisourspiritualmaturityandourwalkoffaith.IfourchallengestakeustoaplaceoftotaldependenceonGod,thentheyhaveaccomplishedthegreatestpurposeofall.
14.HowdoesJeremiah17:5-8relatetothechallengesofblendingabrokenfamily?
LivingThroughtheChallenges
Ablendedmarriageisfullofchange.WecanseehowtohandlechangebylookingagainatKingJehoshaphat.TherearethreecharacteristicsofhisrelationshipwithGodthatwillalsobenefitus(see2Chronicles20:1-12):
Confession:Lord,Iamalarmedathowdifficultthisnewlifeis!Praise:Lord,IhonorYouwithmypresentlifeandcircumstances.PowerandmightareinYourhands;Youknowwhatitwilltaketobringustogether!Humility:Wedon’tknowwhattodowiththissituation,butoureyesareonYou.
15.WhatdidGodpromiseJehoshaphatin2Chronicles20:15-17?
WhatinstructionsdidHegivetothekingandthepeoplethatrelatedirectlytoadifficultsituation—avastarmy?
Avastarmycanbeanythingthatistoobigforustohandle.Weallfacesuchbattlesfromtimetotime.Statisticsaboutthedifficultiesofblendingafamilycouldhaveuscowerinfearforthesurvivalofourblendedmarriage.ButGodsaysthebattleisnotours,it’sHis.NoticethatHetoldJehoshaphattwicetonotbeafraidordiscouraged.
16.Whatdoyouthink“takeupyourpositionsandstandfirm”(2Chronicles20:17)meansinaneverydayblendedmarriage?
17.Describeatimewhenyourealizedthatyouwereinasituationthatwasbeyondyourabilitytohandle.Whatdidyoulearnfromthissituation?
Threeclear-cutactionsofJehoshaphatshouldserveasanexampleinanytypeofbattle:
1. Takeupyourposition.2. Standfirm.3. SeethedeliveranceoftheLord.
TakeUpYourPositionEphesians2:1-10describesourpositioninChrist.
18.AccordingtoEphesians2:4-6,whatdidChristdoforus?
Howshouldbeinginthispositiongiveuscouragetofaceanything?
WhatparallelsexistbetweenyourblendedrelationshipandwhatChristdidforyouasdescribedinEphesians2:4-6?
StandFirm
19.Ephesians6:10-14speaksofstandingfirmagainstthedevil’sschemes.Whatspecificthingscanyouidentifyaspotentialschemesagainstyourblendedfamily?
20.Whatdoes1Peter5:8-9sayaboutyourenemyandwhatyourresponseshouldbe?
It’smucheasiertothinkthatapersonisourenemy—andpeoplecertainlydothingstoattackandhurtus.Butpartofstandingfirmisrealizingwhotherealenemyis.Thedevil’sschemeistodestroyyournewfamily,robyouofyourpeaceandintegrity,anduseeveryopportunitytonegativelyaffectyourchildren.
21.John10:10-11comparesthedifferencesbetweenathiefandashepherd.Whatdoesthethiefcometodo?Whathasthe“thief”triedtostealfromyourmarriage?
Whatdoestheshepherdcometodo?Howhaveyouexperiencedthisinyourrelationship?
SeetheDeliveranceoftheLord
22.WhatdoesHebrews2:14-18sayregardingGod’sabilitytodeliveryoufrompresenttroubles?
God’smostpowerfuldescriptionofHimselfisrecordedinExodus3:14whenHesays,“IAMWHOIAM.”Heis
everythingthatisperfect,excellentandholy.Hewasfromthebeginningandwillbeuntiltheend.Heis
EVERYTHINGyouwilleverneedforcomfortwheninthebattlezone;EVERYTHINGyouwilleverneedwhenseekingguidance,directionandcounsel;EVERYTHINGyouwilleverneedwhencalledtolovechildrenandfamilywhoaren’tyourown;EVERYTHINGyouwilleverneedwhenyoumustturntheothercheek;EVERYTHINGyouwilleverneedtoriseabovethenaturaltendenciesofthefleshnatureinordertowalkintheSpiritinthisnewmarriageanditsdynamics.
WateringtheHopeConsiderthefollowing:
Annietooktocryingintheshower.Onlythreemonthsintothisnewmarriageandherdreamlifehadalreadybecomeanightmare.Jim’schildrendidn’tlikeher;hisex-wifeclaimedthatAnniewasn’tgoodfortheirthreechildrenandconstantlyunderminedanygoodthingshehadaccomplishedwithherstepchildren;andhernewin-lawshadtrustissuesandanoverprotectivespirittowardtheirsonandhischildren.Neverhavingbeenamotherbefore,shehadhopedtobeSuperStepmom,notWickedStepmother.Asshecrieduncontrollablyintheshower—wherenoonecouldhear—shewascertainthatshehadmadethebiggestmistakeofherlife.ItseemedtoAnniethatshewastheonewhohadto
continuallyforgoherneeds,feelingsordesirestokeepthepeace.ShehadquicklylearnedherneedtoconfesseachhardshiptotheLordasitoccurred.ShealsolearnedthatshehadtotrustinGod’spowerandmight,notherown.
Afterall,shehadrunoutofherownstrengthalongtimeago!Forthefirsttimeinherlifeshelonged,reallylonged,toknowGodastheFatherofcompassionandthesourceofallcomfort—butcomfortseemedelusive.Inthefirstthreemonthsofmarriage,Anniehad
consideredleavingonfiveoccasions;shecouldn’tstandthepainanylonger.Thenthatstill,smallvoiceinhersoulremindedhernotonlyofhercommitmentandcovenantwithGodandtoJimbutalsoofthegreatergoodthatsuchhardtimeswouldlaterproduceinherspiritually.Butshedidn’tknowifshecouldstandfirmandsurvivethehardshipspiledoneontopofanother.[4]
23.TowhatinAnnieandJim’ssituationcanyourelate?
24.Whatisapersoninaremarriagetodowheneveryoneseemsunfairlyalignedagainsthimorher?
25.WhatcouldJimdothatwouldbemoresupportiveofAnnieandtheirsituation?
WhatpracticalstepscouldAnnietaketoalleviateasmuchstressandpainaspossible?
26.Considerthekeyverseforthissession,2Corinthians12:9-10,onceagain.Whatismadeperfectinourtimesofweaknessandwhatarewetodoinourweaknesses?
“Delight”means“totakegreatpleasurein”or“torejoice.”[5]WhydoyouthinktheapostlePaulwasabletosaythathecould“delightinweaknesses,ininsults,inhardships,inpersecutions,indifficulties”?Thereisnomistakingthateveryblendedmarriagefaces
challenges.Itisalsotruethatwithinthesechallengeswecanbechangedforthebetter,experiencethepowerofChrist
restingonusandbeblessedwithcomfortthatwillinturncomfortothersandgivethemhope.“Onethingforsure—blendingdoesn’tjusthappen.Wepurposelyjourneyintoit.Andittakesyears.”[6]
HarvestingtheFruitEverymarriageencounterschallengesandhardships.Whetherit’sthefirsttimearoundoraremarriage,centeringyourmarriageonarelationshipwithJesusChristwillgiveyouhopeandstrengthinthetoughtimes.
27.Evaluatetheneedsinyourrelationshiptoday.Whatchallengesareyouupagainstthatwouldrequireyoutotakeupyourposition,standfirmandseethedeliveranceoftheLord?Communicatewithyourmateaboutthesechallenges.
28.Togethermakealistofactionsyoucouldeachtaketolightentheother’sload,showingsupportforoneanotherwithinyournewfamilysituation.
Yourmarriageisthemostimportantrelationshipandthefoundationoftheentirefamily.Planadatewithyourspouseatleastonceaweek.Rememberthatthedateisnotthetimetodiscussyourchallenges.Instead,enjoyeachother,embraceyourloveandbuildyourrelationship.Yourproblemswillbewaitingforyouwhenyoureturn;tomorrowisanotherdaytoexperienceChrist’sbeingeverythingyouneed!Alsoschedulesomealonetimeinwhichthetwoofyoucan
prayerfullydiscussthechallengesyouareencounteringinblendingyourfamily.Thisshouldbearegularlyplannedtime,ideallyonceeachday,butatleasttwotothreetimeseachweek.
LivingWITHNEW
RelationshipsGodislove.Whoeverlivesinlovelivesin
God,andGodinhim.
1John4:16Threeissuesthatoftenwedgethemselvesbetweenmarriagepartnersinablendedmarriagearefinances,ex-spousesandthechildren.Becauseablendedmarriageisbuiltonthebrokenbedrockofpastrelationships,thingscangetrockyrealquick.Remnantsofpreviousresponsibilitiesandlingeringunspokenhurtscanfuelsomenastysituations.Learninganewlanguageoflove,onethatputsothersfirst,mayprovetobethehardestchallengeinthefamilydynamicsofablendedmarriage.Godcallsustoloveoneanother,butweoftendon’trelatethe
commandtoeverydaylife.WeaddconditionstoHiscommand,convincingourselvesthatthereisamenuofoptionsdependentonourpresentcircumstancesorthedynamicsofourcurrentrelationships.ItwouldbeeasytolearntoliveinGod’sloveifwewerealoneonamountaintoportuckedawayinacave.Thereinthequietnessandpeaceofnothavingtodealwithotherpeople,wecouldthinkaboutGod’sloveintheorybutnothavetoputitintopractice.Inthisplaceofseclusion,wecouldloveeverybodyandeverything.Nothingwouldstopus:nodisappointments,nodisagreements,noconflicts.Butaddupallthecomplexrelationshipsinablendedmarriage—in-laws,out-
laws,exesandchildren:yours,mineandours—andyouhavethepotentialforarealwaronyourhands.Anditallstartswithsaying,“Ido.”
TillingtheGroundMoreandmorepeoplewhoremarryfindthemselveswithaninstantfamily,saying“Ido”tomorethanjustaspouse—therearethekids,thein-laws,theout-laws(formerin-laws)theexesandthefamilypetsaswell.Nearlytwooutofthreeremarriagestodayinvolvechildrenfromapreviousmarriage,andmanynewlymarriedcouplesfindthattheword“stepfamily”bringsmorethantheybargainedfor.[1]
1.Whatdoyouthinkisthesinglemostdebatedissuebetweenhusbandandwifeinablendedmarriage?
2.Whencalledtolovechildrenthatarenottheirown,doyouthinkmostpeopleadjustnaturallyorhaveinternalstruggles?Why?
3.Ofthethreechallenges—finances,ex-spousesandthechildren—whichisthemostchallengingforyouasamarriedcoupletoday?Why?
Interestingly,allthreeareashavesomethingtodowiththefuturesecurityofthechildren.Iftherearechildreninyourblendedmix,theirlivesandheartsareimportanttoGod.AsChristianadults,wecannotteachthemabouttheloveofJesusifweliveinbitternessandunforgivenesstowardtheirotherparent.Wealsocannotplayaprotectiveroleintheirlivesifwearenotpartoftheirfinancialprovision.Fartoooften,bitternessandunforgivenesstowardtheex-spousefueltheclimateinblendedfamilyrelations.
PlantingtheSeedWhenChristiansfindthemselvesinaremarriage,theymightbecomeconcernedaboutthespirituallegacythathasseeminglybeenrobbedfromtheirfamilytree.Whatoncewasmeanttobeagodlyheritageforthenextgenerationnowappearstobeabrokenlimbonatreethathasbranchesshootingoutineverydirection.Takeheart,thereisstillalegacytoleave.Itmightnotbethe
originallegacythatyoudreamedofbutalegacynonetheless.WiththehelpofGod’sgraceandtheworkofHisSpirit,wecanstillleavealegacyofgrace,loveandforgiveness.Godhasthepowertoaccomplishthis,butHecallsustocooperatewithHiminthekingdomworkoflovingwhenitseemsthehardestthingtodo.
4.Accordingto1Corinthians13,whatarethecharacteristicsoflove?
Therearemanykindsoflove,includingromantic,brotherlyandfamiliallove.InthispassagetheGreekwordagape,denotingaffection,goodwill,benevolenceandunconditionallove,istranslated“love.”ItrepresentstheloveofGodforHispeople.[2]
5.Whichcharacteristicsofloveasstatedin1Corinthians13areaparticularchallengetoexpressinablendedmarriage?
Whichcharacteristicisbeinglivedoutinyourfamily?Whichistheoneyourfamilymostneedstoexperience?
6.Sometimeswedon’tfeellikethereisanounceofloveorbenevolenceleftinusforthepeoplewhocontinuallydisruptthepeaceofourhomes.Whatdo1John4:16andRomans5:5tellusaboutGod’slove?
SinceGodhaspouredHisloveintoourheartsbytheHolySpirit,howshouldthishaveanimpactonhowweasChristiansinblendedfamiliestreatoneanother?
7.AccordingtoRomans13:10,whatisastatementofloveandhowcanthisapplytoastepchild?Toanex-spouse,in-laworout-law?
8.SecondTimothy2:22instructsusto“pursuerighteousness,faith,loveandpeace.”Whatwouldthislooklikeinourrelationships?
Pursuingloveoftenrequiresachangeinlifestyle.ItcallsfordenialofselfforthesakeofobediencetothegreatercallofChrist.
9.Explorehow1John4:7-12givesafoundationforhowwearetorelatetoothers.Whatdoesverse12saywillbecompleteinuswhenwechaseafterlove?
NotethattheseversessayChristcameintotheworldthatwemightlivethroughHim.Christianagapeloveisnotaproductofouremotionsorfeelings;itdoesnotalwayscorrespondwithournaturalinclinations,nordoesitallowustopickandchoosewhowewillloveornotlove.God’sloveinusgivesustheabilitytoseekthebestforothers.TheloveofGodhasbeenplacedinourhearts,anditisonlybyHispowerthatwecanliveoutthatloveinourlives.
NewFoundations
10.WhatdoesMatthew7:24-27tellsusaboutbuildingalifefoundation?
11.AccordingtoMatthew22:37-40,whatshouldbethefoundationofourlifeinChrist?
12.Somepeopleseemimpossibletolove.Whatdothefollowingversestellusaboutthe“impossible”:Matthew17:20;Luke1:37;18:27;Hebrews11:6?
13.Anewheartfoundationispossibletoo.WhatdoesEzekiel36:26-27tellusaboutanewheart?
Afterreadingtheseversesdoyoustillthinkitisimpossibletolovesomeofthenewpeopleinyourlife?Whataboutwhenyouarewornoutandwoundedbyastepchild’sbehavior?Whataboutwhenyouarecontinuallytakentocourtbyarelentlessex-spouse?Whataboutthefinancialdrainofsupportingtwofamilies?Whataboutthetimesyourownspousebehavesunfairlytowardyourchild?Impossible?No,yourproblemsandimpossibilitiesarenowGod’spossibilities,andHeisthekeytocreatinghealthyrelationshipsinyourblendedfamily.
NewAttitudes
14.Colossians3:1-17describesrulesforholyliving.Howdotheseversesrelatetolivingwithdifficultrelationships?
15.Grievancesarepartoflifeinthisnewfamily.WhatdoesColossians3:13saywearetodointhesecases?
16.Nomatterhowdisjointedorconvolutedyourblendedfamilymayseem,itisstillafamilyunit.WhatdoesColossians3:15-16sayaboutlivingasaunit?
Thestepfamilyisnotanuclearfamily,butitisafamilynonetheless.Certainrealitiesareanormalpartoftheblendingprocess:
Expectoutsideinfluencestointrude.Expectchildrentofeeltornbetweenbothparents.Bepreparedforchange.Bewillingtomakesacrificesforthecommongood.Understandthatyourexpectationswillmostlikelyhavetobeadjusted.Defineloveascommitment,notmerelyfeelings.Rememberthateffectiveblendingdoesn’thappenovernight.Realizethatsometimesblendingdoesn’tgosmoothly.Becommittedtothecovenantofyourmarriageregardlessofcircumstances.
NewChoices
17.WhatdidJesusteachinLuke6:27-36?
Whatmightbesomeresults—bothgoodandbad—oflovingsomeoneasJesuscommandsustodointhispassage?
Oftentimesthereissomeoneinthenewrelationalmixthatisdifficulttolove.Thatpersonmightbeacontinualsourceofheartacheforyouandyourfamily.Christtaughtthateventhoughunbelieverslovethosewholovethem,Hisfollowersaretoloveregardlessofwhetherthatloveisreturned.
18.HowmightMatthew25:40relatetolovingsomeoneelse’schildorex?
19.WhatdoesColossians3:21sayaboutthewaywetreatourchildren—yours,mineorours?
20.Ephesians6:2-3tellsushowwearetotreatourparents.Whatshouldwebeteachingourchildrenabouttheir“otherfamily”?
Let’sbehonest.Itmightbeeasytobeunfairormorecriticalofourstepchildrenbecauseofdifferencesinpersonalityandtheirenvironment.YetasbelieverswearetoraisethestandardinourlivesandchoosetofollowtheexampleofChrist.Remember,withoutloveweareaclangingbell(see1Corinthians13:1)!
WateringtheHopeConsiderLarryandMarie’sstory.
Larrylovedwhenhischildrencamefortheweekend.Inhisexcitementofpreparingfortheirvisit,hecametolife—planningoutings,specialeventsandanythingelsethatwouldmaketheirtimetogetherspecial.Butontheweekendstheyweren’tscheduledtovisit,hewasusuallyawayfromhomehoninghisgolfgame.Marie’schildrenbelievedthattheyweren’timportantenoughforspecialeventsorforLarry’stime.Hisheartseemedtobereservedonlyforhisownchildren.Justlookingandlongingforlove,theholeintheheartsofMarie’schildrengrewwideranddeeperthroughtheyears.Bythetimetheywereintheirteens,theyjustcheckedoutofthefamilyaltogether.Mariewasfilledwithresentment.Whowasthismanwhoservedinministriesatchurchbutnevereventriedtoloveherchildren—hisstepchildren?Mariealsohadtocopewithintrusiveandhateful
telephonecallsfromherstepchildren’sbiologicalmother.ThewomantoldherchildrenthatMariewouldneverlovethemasmuchasshelovedthembecausetheycouldneverbeMarie’sbloodrelations.ShewasconstantlymakingupbizarrestoriesthatputMarieinabadlightwithher
stepchildrenThechildrengrewtohateMarie,makingherintothewickedstepmother.Larry,feelingtornbetweenhisnewwifeandhisownchildren,triedtopatchupthesituation,butitonlygrewworse.LarryandMarierealizedthatthefoundationoftheirnewfamilywasonshakyground,andthattheyhadquitcommunicatingbecauseofthedisappointmentandhurt.[3]
21.HowdoesPhilippians4:11-13relatetodifficultrelationships?
Philippians4:13isapromiseforeventhemostdifficultofsituations.Whatisthispromiseandhowcanweholdontoit?
22.WhatdoesRomans12:9-21sayaboutdealingwithdifficultpeople?
Howcansomeonerelatetoanintrusiveex-spouseorbitterchildwhilestillmaintainingtheintegrityofhisorherChristianwalk?
Remember,childrenlearnbywhatismodeledbeforethem.Doesyourinteractionwithyourstepchildoryourspouse’sexreflecttheloveofGod?AsyouareavesselofGod’slovetothatchild,youshowhimorherthetruthofGod’slove.AsyoushowGod’slovetoanex-spouse,youmaybeacatalystforpeaceinbothfamilies.
HarvestingtheFruitEveryblendedfamilywillhavestrugglesastheyadjusttooutsideinfluencesandpressures,andtostepchildrenandexes—eventograndparentsfrombothsidesofthefamily.Itisonly
throughourcommitmenttotheLordandtooneanotherthatwewillbeabletoseeitthroughtotheend.Thissideofheaven,nofamilyisperfect;butasweseektoliveoutChrist’sloveinourlives,wecanleavealegacyofloveforourfamilies.
23.Deuteronomy6:6-7andPsalm78:6speaktousaboutthelegacyweleave.Howdoesthisnotionoflegacyrelatetoyourblendedfamilytoday?
Inwhatlegacyhaveyouinvestedsofar?
Whatcouldyoudotoimproveyourfamily’slegacy?
24.Takeinventoryoftheneedsofyourchildren.Togetherwithyourspouseevaluatehowyourchildrenaredoing.Discusswhatproblemsneedtobeaddressedandhowthelegacyoflove,graceandforgivenesscanbeginhealingtheirheartsfromthebrokennessthathasaffectedallofyourlives.
Listonespecificactionthateachofyoucantaketobuildastrongerrelationshipwitheachchildinyourfamily.
25.Howaretheexesaffectingyourrelationship?
Listspecificactionsthatyoucantaketodoyourpart“asfarasitdependsonyou,[to]liveatpeacewitheveryone”(Romans12:18).
Perhapsthefollowing10rulesforconfidentstepparentingmighthelpasyoudealwiththerealitiesofblendingrelationshipsinyourfamily:
1. Beproudoftheroleyouareassuming.
2. Berealistic.Checkallrosyexpectationsatthedoor.3. Loveyourspouse.4. Beflexible.5. Respectyourself,sothechildrenwillbefreetorespectyou.
6. Rememberthatyouarenotareplacement.Youareanoriginal,craftedandequippedbyGodtomeetwhatevercomesyourway.
7. Taketimetoadjust,tolisten,topray,toplay.8. Letgoofdestructiveanger.9. Reachoutforhelpwhenyouneedit.10. Watchforinvisible,simpleblessings.[4]
26.Whichactionorattitudeinthislistwouldbemosthelpfulinyourpresentsituationandhowcanyouimplementit?
Committoyourspousetheimportanceofadjustingexpectations,ofhonoringeachotherbyhonoringoneanother’schildren,andofmakingeveryefforttoseekpeaceinallextendedrelationships.Talkaboutwhatthatwouldlooklikeandwhythatcouldbeuncomfortableatfirst.Togetherdecidetoalignyourlives,yourmindsandyourheartstothetruthinGod’sWordregardinghowyoutreatotherpeople.MemorizespecificversesfromRomans12:9-21thatwillhelpinspecificsituationswithwhichyouaredealingrightnow.
LivingWITH
NewHopeMaytheGodofhopefillyouwithalljoyandpeaceasyoutrustinhim,sothatyoumayoverflowwithhopebythepoweroftheHoly
Spirit.Romans15:13
Statisticsareclear:Mostremarriagesstruggletosurvive.[1]However,inChristwecanbemorethanastatistic—wecanhavehope.ThethingsthatthreatenthepeaceandstabilityofablendedmarriagecanbeviewedwithhopeandwithfaithinGod,whohasstartedagoodworkinusandwillmostcertainlyseeittocompletion(seePhilippians1:6).Whenhopewanes,wecanreflectonhowGodhasmetour
needsinthepast.Rememberinghowwehaveweatheredthestormsofpastrelationships,wecanclingtoHispromisesofahope-filledfuture(seeJeremiah29:11).Alsowhatwehavelearnedfrompastexperiencescanbeappliedforthegoodofourpresentrelationships.
TillingtheGroundHavinganeternalfocusisakeyingredientinchangingourattitudesamidthedynamicsofblendedfamilyliving.Thefocus
mustbeoffotherpeople,outsidecircumstancesandrelentlesschallenges,andturnedtowardJesusandourfuturewithHim.Thenewcryoftheheartshouldbe“Lord,changeme!”Thoughchangeishard,itisatthesametimefullofpersonalgrowthandthefulfillmentofknowingthatthroughitallChristisbeingformedinyou.
1.Howmanyblendedmarriagesdoyouknowthathavebecomeastatisticoffailure?Whatdoyoubelievewasakeyingredientinthefailureofthoserelationships?
2.Whatstepscancouplesinblendedmarriagestaketoinsurethattheirmarriagewillnotbeanotherstatisticalfailure?
3.Howdoesapersonchangehisorherfocusorattitude?Whyisattitudesoimportanttothequalityoflife?
Whyisattitudesoimportanttothequalityoflife?
4.Whathaveyoulearnedfromyourpastrelationshipsthatcangiveyouhopeforthefutureofyourpresentrelationship?
Whetheryouarecommittingtolovingastepchild,acceptinganex-spouseorbalancingajointcheckingaccount,youmustmakesuretokeepyourmarriagestrong.Initiallyinastepfamilyitmaybedifficultforthehusbandandwifetosolidifytheirrelationship—itisovershadowedbysomanyoutsideforces.Thespousemayfeellikeanintruderinthefamilyunit,butthebondofthehusbandandwifemustbestrongifthefamilyistostaytogether.EmilyVisher,atherapistinPaloAlto,California,says“It’s
hardtohaveahoneymooninthemiddleofacrowd,butyoureallyneedtonourishthecouplerelationship.”[2]Ifthecoupleloseshope,theentirefamilyfails.Aremarriagesucceedsbest
whenthereisampletimeforbeingacouple,strengtheningthecovenantofmarriageandgrowingasoneinChrist.
PlantingtheSeedTherearetwowaysofapproachinglifeinablendedmarriage:asvictimsorasvictors.Formany,victimthinkingcanstealthehope,joyandgratitudefromwhatGodhasprovidedinthisnewmateandnewfamily.LostexpectationsfromdaysgonebycanmaketheglassseemhalfemptywheninactualityitcanbefilledbyGodHimselfeachday.Ungratefulnessornegativitycanblindyoutothegoodandcompletelyalteryourfocus.
5.WhatdoesGalatians5:1sayaboutlivingoutsideGod’sbest?Howcanhavinganout-of-focuslifebecome“ayokeofslavery”?
Christsetusfreeforaverydistinctpurpose.Heintendedforustoliveasthosewhowerefreedfromthebondageandslaveryofselfishnessandsin.
6.HowcanGalatians5:7-10berelatedtoblendedfamilydynamics?
Justasatinysparkcanstartaragingfire,amisspokenwordoraselfishattitudemaystartaragingargumentinatensesituation.WhensomethingorsomeonecutsoffthegoodworkofGodinourmidst,rememberthatthetemptationtogobacktoouroldwaysofhopelessnesscomesfromourenemy,thedevil.
7.Galatians5:13-15remindsusofourfreedominChrist.Whatkindsofblendedfamilysituationscantripusup,destroyingourfreedom?
WhatdoesGalatians5:15sayregardingourinteractionwithothers?
HowcanweliveoutthecommandofGalatians5:16?
8.HowaretheactsofthefleshnatureaslistedinGalatians5:19-21relatedtotheattitudesandactionsoftenrepresentedinblendedfamilydynamics?
9.Incontrast,whatarethefruit,orevidences,oftheSpiritaslistedinGalatians5:22-23?
InwhatwayshaveyouexperiencedtheeffectsofthefruitoftheSpiritinyourownfamilysituation?
Whichfruitisthemostdifficultforyoutopersonallyapply?Why?
10.Galatians5:25isakeyverseremindingustostayinstepwiththeHolySpirit.Whatisitsayingtoyouregardingyourblendedmarriagerelationship?
Thereisasaying,FeedtheSpirit—starvetheflesh.Whatyoufeedwillbewellnourishedandwillgrow;whatisleftunfedwillshrivelupanddie.Choicesproducechanges.Jesuswasanencourager.EverywhereHewent,Heoffered
hopetothehurtinganddowncast.He’stheGodofthesecond,thirdandfourthchance—Hismerciesareneweverymorning(seeLamentations3:23).
ChoosingtoHope
11.Lamentations3:18-24describestheauthor’smanyafflictionsandyethestillhashope.Whatpracticalencouragementisfoundintheseverses?
12.HowmightHebrews3:13applytodailylifeinablendedmarriage?
13.InJohn8:3-11wecanlearnthevalueofcompassionandagentlewordasweseeJesusinteractwithsinfulhumannature.SinceJesus—whoneversinned—didn’tthrowstones,howcanweapplythissameattitudeinourowninteractionswithothers?
Sadly,encouragementisoneingredientoftenmissinginthevariedrelationshipsofablendedfamily.Asfamilybattlelinesaredrawn,weoftenfeellikeit’susagainstthemratherthanafamilythatislearningtoloveoneanother.Inanyfamily,lovemustbelearned;butinastepfamily,loveusuallydoesnotcomenaturally—itrequiresconcentratedeffort.InChristtheunnaturalcomestolifewithHissupernaturaltouch.
ChoosingtoStay
Everymarriage—whethertheoriginaldreamoranewchanceatlove—cangetoutoffocus.Firstmarriageshavestrugglesjustasblendedmarriagesdo,yettwopeopleinaremarriagewhohavecometogetherafterthelossoflovemaybecomefrustratedmorereadilyandbemoreeasilytemptedtothrowinthetowelsooner.Divorceshouldnotbeanoption.Acommitmenttostayeventhroughthemostdifficultofadjustmentswillgivetheotherpartnerthefeelingofsafetytolearnandgrowinthisnewfamily.
14.HowdoesMatthew12:25(compareMark3:25andLuke11:17)relatetoatroubledmarriagerelationship?
15.Howcanknowingthatyourspouseiscommittedtostayinginyourmarriagestrengthenyourrelationship?
Psalm127:1speaksdirectlytothefoundationofanyfamily,butablendedfamilymayhavemoreopportunitiesforthefoundationtodevelopstressfracturesandbegintocrumble.IftheLordisnotyourfirmfoundation,yourhomeisbuiltonshakyground.YouandyourspouseneedtoconfirmthatyouareinthisrelationshipforthelonghaulandcommitthatyouwillrelyontheLordforthestrengthtostay.
ChoosingtoConnect
IftheLordisgoingtobuildanythingoflastingvalueinourlife,wemustfirstbeconnectedtoHim.OurconnectionwithHimfostersloveforothers.
16.John15:4tellsustodosomethingthatrequiresdailychoice.Whatmustwedoto“remainin”Christ?
17.WhatisthepromiseofJohn15:5?Howhaveyouexperiencedthispromiseinyourrelationship?
18.AccordingtoJohn15:7-8,whatistheultimateresultofremainingconnectedtotheLord?
DailyprayerandScripturereadingareoftenoverlookedintheday-to-daybusynessofourlives—thatis,untilthereisacrisis.ConnectingdailywiththeLordisextremelyimportantifwearetomeetthedemandsofeachday.Justasweneedfoodtofuelourbodies,weneedspiritualnourishmenttofueloursouls.WemustrealizethepowerofaskingGodforHishelp,guidanceandgracetodealwithallthatlifethrowsatus.Heishonored,willingtorespondandultimatelyglorifiedthroughourconnectiontothepowersource—HisSpirit.
ChoosingGodlyWisdom
AswestayconnectedtoGodthroughprayerandreadingHisWord,wewillgainknowledgeandwisdomthatcanhelpusasweblendourfamily.
19.HowdoesProverbs24:3-4relatetotheblendedfamily?
Howcanknowledgefillahomewithrareandbeautifultreasures?
Whatwouldthosetreasuresbe?
20.WhatdoesProverbs24:14sayabouthope?
21.Proverbs8:10-11and9:10-11instructthatwehaveachoice.Howdoesthisrelatetoyoursituation?
22.HowcanJeremiah29:11-13beasourceofhopeduringdifficulttimes?
Everydaywemakechoices.Someareassimpleaschoosingwhatclothestowearorwhattofixfordinner.Butothershavegreaterconsequences.ChoosingtoplacehopeinourlovingheavenlyFather,tocommittostayingwithourspouseforbetterandforworse,todailyconnectwiththeLordthroughprayerandHisWord,andtorelyonHiswisdomandgrowinourknowledgeofHimwillhaveeternalresults.
WateringtheHopeConsiderJamesandDonna’sstory.
JamesandDonnahavebeenmarriedalittleoverayear.Theyarebothintheirthirdmarriage.Donna’s17-year-oldson,Nick,theappleofhereye,liveswiththem.Nickonlyseeshisbirthfatherafewtimesayearbecausehelivesover2,000milesaway.Jameshasnochildrenofhisown.ThethoughtofbeingastepparentwasexcitingtoJames.BothJamesandNickhavecommoninterestsinsportsandtheoutdoors,butNickisabusyhighschoolsenior,whichmakesitdifficultforthetwoofthemtospendtimetogether.Nickattimesseemstobehungryforarelationshipwith
James,butlatelyhehasbeenmoreandmoreantagonistic.WheneverthereisabigblowupbetweenNickandJames,DonnafeelstheneedtostepinandprotectNick.ThenJamesandDonnaendupinaheatedargument.SometimestheblowupsareovernormalteenageissuesasNickstrainstobeanadultandyetstillactslikeakid.ThereallyseriousblowupsoftenseemtobedirectlyrelatedtothosetimeswhenNick’sfatherhasdisappointedNick.ThestressisbeginningtowearonJames,andhehasbeguntowonderifthismarriageisworththepainitiscausing.Jameshasdecidedtoseekcounseling.Jamesconfideshisfrustrationstohiscounselor.“Idon’t
feellikeI’mnumberonetoDonna,”hesayswithfrustration.“IfeelNickis.I’mherhusband,soI’msupposedtobeherpriority.”“Tobeginwith,”thecounselorsays,“youneedto
understandthatDonnaandhersonhavehadarelationshipfor17years.Youhaveonlybeenintheirlivesforashorttime.Itwon’tpayforyoutocovetthebondtheyhaveasmotherandson.Whatdifferencedoesitmakeifyouare100percentright—ifyouwinthebattleandlosethewar?UnderstandthesourceofmostofyourconflictswithNick;hemaybeprojectinghisangerathisownfatherontoyou.Nickneedsastepdadandahomethatarearefugeforhim:someonehecancountontobethereforhim,aplace
wherehecanexpresshisfeelingshonestlyandstillfeelloved.”[3]
23.WhatcouldJamesdotostrengthenhisrelationshipwithNick?WithDonna?
Wheredoyouseehopeintheirsituation?
24.WhataboutDonnaandJames’ssituationcanyourelateto?
25.Proverbs4:23tellsustoguardourheartsaboveallelse,foroutofourheartsthesubstanceofourlivesflows.Howcanapersonguardhisorherheartagainstunrealisticexpectations,unmetneedsorundeservedattacks?
26.WhatdoesProverbs4:25-27tellustodothatcanbeapplieddailyinablendedfamily?
27.Jeremiah31:3-4hasamessageofGod’slovethatispertinentforthoseinablendedmarriage.Whathopedoyoufindinthispassage?
HarvestingtheFruit
28.Whatgivesyouthemosthopeforyourrelationship?
Whatpresentlymakesyoufeelthemosthopeless?
29.WhatScripturepassage(s)fromthissessionencouragedhopeinyou?Why?
Whathaveyoulearnedfromyourpastrelationship(s)thathasactuallyhelped—evengivenyouhope—inyourpresentrelationship?
MemorizespecificScripturesthathavespokentoyouinthissession.ThatwayGod’sWordwillbeanencouragementforyouwhenyoumostneedit.
30.Sharewithyourspouseyourcommitmenttostaytogetherforbetterandforworse.Howwillyouputthiscommitmentintoaction?Listoneactionthatyoupersonallywilltakethisweektocommunicatecommitmenttoyourspouse.
31.StrengthenyourcommitmenttoconnecttoChristforhelp,hopeandhealing.WhatisonespecificactionthatyoucantakeasacoupletostrengthenyourcommitmenttoChrist?
Asyoushareyouranswerswithyourspouse,behonestabouttheareasyouarestrugglingwithandtaketimetoprayforoneanothernowandthroughoutthecomingweeks.SharewitheachotherwhatencourageshopeinyouandexpressyourthankstoGodforHisloveandencouragementinyourlifetogether.Inthoseareasinwhichyoustruggle,chooseoneactionthatyoucantakenowtostrengthenyourrelationshipwithoneanother.Asyoubegintoseeresults,praisetheLordforHisfaithfulness.Committodoingweekly,monthlyandyearlycheckupsof
yourrelationshipswitheachotherandwithGod.Formulatenewactionplansaspreviousstrugglesarerectified.
LEADER’S
DiscussionGuide
GeneralGuidelines
1.Ifatallpossible,thegroupshouldbeledbyamarriedcoupleinablendedmarriage.Thisdoesnotmeanthatbothspousesneedtobeleadingthediscussions;perhapsonespouseisbetteratfacilitatingdiscussionswhiletheotherisbetteratrelationshipbuildingororganization—buttheleadercoupleshouldshareresponsibilitieswhereverpossible.
2.Atthefirstmeeting,besuretolaydownthegroundrulesfordiscussions,stressingthatfollowingtheseruleswillhelpeveryonefeelcomfortableduringdiscussiontimes.a.Nooneshouldshareanythingofapersonalorpotentiallyembarrassingnaturewithoutfirstaskinghisorherspouse’spermission.
b.Toomuchpersonalinformationregardingdetailsofcourtcases,custodybattlesorex-spousesshouldbediscouragedasitcanbedishonoringtothoseinvolved.
c.Whateverisdiscussedinthegroupmeetingistobeheldinstrictestconfidenceamonggroupmembersonly.
d.Alloweveryoneinthegrouptoparticipate.However,asaleader,don’tforceanyonetoansweraquestionifheorsheisreluctant.Besensitivetothedifferentpersonalitiesandcommunicationstylesamongyourgroupmembers.
3.Fellowshiptimeisveryimportantinbuildingsmall-grouprelationships.Providingbeveragesand/orlightrefreshmentseitherbeforeoraftereachsessionwillencourageatimeofinformalfellowship.
4.Mostpeopleliveverybusylives;respectthetimeofyourgroupmembersbybeginningandendingmeetingsontime.
HowtoUsetheMaterial
1.Eachsessionhasmorethanenoughmaterialtocoverina45-minuteteachingperiod.Youwillprobablynothavetimetodiscusseverysinglequestionineachsession,soprepareforeachmeetingbyselectingquestionsyoufeelaremostimportanttoaddressforyourgroup;discussotherquestionsastimepermits.Besuretosavethelast10minutesofyourmeetingtimeforeachcoupletointeractindividuallyandtopraytogetherbeforeadjourning.OptionalEight-SessionPlan—Youcaneasilydivide
eachsessionintotwopartsifyou’dliketocoverallofthematerialpresentedineachsession.Eachsectionofthesessionhasenoughquestionstodivideinhalf,andtheBiblestudysections(PlantingtheSeed)aredividedintotwoorthreesectionsthatcanbetaughtinseparatesessions.
2.Eachspouseshouldhavehisorherowncopyofthebookinordertopersonallyanswerthequestions.Thegeneralplanofthisstudyisthatthecouplescompletethequestionsathomeduringtheweekandthenbringtheirbookstothemeetingtosharewhattheyhavelearnedduringtheweek.However,therealityofleadingsmallgroupsinthisday
andageisthatsomememberswillfinditdifficulttodothehomework.Ifyoufindthattobethecasewithyourgroup,consideradjustingthelessonsandhavingmemberscompletethestudyduringyourmeetingtimeasyouguidethemthroughthelesson.Ifyouusethismethod,besuretoencouragememberstosharetheirindividualanswerswiththeirspouseduringtheweek—perhapsonadatenight.
SessionOne LivingtheUnexpected
BeforetheMeeting
1. Gathermaterialsformakingnametags.Alsogatherpensorpencils,3x5-inchindexcardsandBibles.
2. Provideindexcardsforrecordingprayerrequests.3. Readthroughyourownanswersandmarktheonesthatyouespeciallywanttohavethegroupdiscuss.Alsohighlightkeyversesyoufeelareappropriatetoshare.
4. Prepareslipsofpaperwiththereferencesfortheversesthatyouwillwantsomeonetoreadaloudduringthesession.Distributetheseslipsasgroupmembersarrive,butbesensitivetothosewhoareuncomfortablereadingaloudorwhomightnotbefamiliarwiththeBible.
IceBreakers
1.Ifthisisthefirstmeetingforthiscouplesgroup,haveeveryoneintroducethemselvesandtellthegroupabriefsummaryofhowtheymettheirspouse,howlongtheyhavebeenmarriedandoneinterestingfactabouttheirspouse.Besuretoremindthemnottorevealanythingthattheirspousewouldbeuncomfortablesharingabouthim-orherself.
2.Useoneofthefollowingicebreakerstohelpmembersbecomebetteracquainted:a.Option1—Askeachcoupletosharethefunniestthingthathappenedattheirwedding.
b.Option2—Askeachcoupletosharethebiggestsurprisethey’vediscoveredaboutblendingtheirfamily.
3.Beginwithprayer.
Discussion
1.TillingtheGround—Thepurposeofthissectionistogetthegroupinvolvedinadiscussionofthetopicathand.Thesequestionswillusuallybeofalighter,moregenerictone.Invitevolunteerstosharetheiranswerstothesequestions.
2.PlantingtheSeed—ThissectionistheBiblestudyandisintendedtolayoutthebiblicalconceptsforthesession.Besuretohavetheversesthatyoufeelarekeyreadaloudduringthistimefordiscussion.Youdonotneedtodiscusseveryquestion.Youcanskipanyquestionsofapersonalnature,butencouragecouplestoanswertheseduringtheHarvestingtheFruittimewiththeirspouse.
3.WateringtheHope—ThecasestudyandquestionsinthissectionwillhelpmembersbringtheBiblestudyintotherealitiesoftheirownblendedfamily.Don’tneglectthispartofthestudy,asitbringsthewholelessonintothehereandnow,applyingGod’sWordtodailylife.Haveeachcouplepairupwithanothercoupletoreadthe
casestudyanddiscussthequestions.4.HarvestingtheFruit—Thissectionismeanttohelpeachcoupleapplythelessontotheirownmarriageandcanbehandledinseveralways.a.Allowcouplesone-on-onetimetointeractattheendofthemeeting.Thiswouldrequiretimeforthemtobealone,withenoughspacebetweencouplestoallowforprivateconversation.Ifcoupleshavealreadyansweredthequestionsindividually,nowwouldbethetimetosharetheiranswers.Ifcoupleshavenotansweredthequestionsbeforethemeeting,allowtimeforthemtoanswerthequestionstogethernow.
b.Instructcouplestodiscussthissectionathomeduringtheweekafterthemeeting.Thiswillgivethemquiet,privatetimetodealwithanyissuesthatmightcomeup
andtospendallthetimeneededtocompletethediscussion.Youwillwanttofollowupatthenextmeetingtoholdcouplesaccountableforcompletingthispartofthelesson.
c.Attimesitmightbeadvantageoustopairuptwocouplestodiscussthesequestions.Thiswouldalsohelpbuildaccountabilityintothestudy.
Allowtimefortheindividualcouplestomeettogethertocompletethissectionofthequestions.5.CloseinPrayer—Animportantpartofanysmall-grouprelationshipisthetimespentinprayerforoneanother.Thismaybeaccomplishedinanumberofways.a.Havecoupleswriteouttheirspecificprayerrequestsontheindexcards.Ifrequestsaresharedwiththewholegroup,prayasagroupbeforeadjourningthemeeting;ifrequestsaretraded,allowtimefortheprayer-partnercouplestopraytogether.
b.Gatherthewholegrouptogetherandleadcouplesinguidedprayer.
c.Haveindividualcouplespraytogether.d.Splitthemembersintotwogroupsbygender.Havethemprayovertheirmarriages,askingGodtorevealanyissuesthattheyneedtoworkonintheirblendedfamily.
AftertheMeeting
1.Evaluate—Spendtimeevaluatingthemeeting’seffectiveness.
2.Encourage—Duringtheweek,trytocontacteachcouple(throughphonecalls,notesofencouragement,e-mailsorinstantmessages)andwelcomethemtothegroup.Makeyourselfavailabletoansweranyquestionsorconcernstheymayhaveandgenerallygettoknowthem.Thiscontactmightbestbedonebythehusband-leadercontactingthemenandthewife-leadercontactingthewomen.
3.Equip—CompletetheBiblestudy,evenifyouhavepreviouslygonethroughthisstudytogether.
4.Pray—Prayerfullyprepareforthenextmeeting,prayingforeachcoupleandyourownpreparation.DiscusswiththeLordanyapprehension,excitementoranythingelsethatisonyourmindregardingyourBiblestudymaterialand/orthegroupmembers.Ifyoufeelinadequateorunprepared,askforstrengthandinsight.Ifyoufeeltiredorburdened,askforGod’slightyoke.Whateveritisyouneed,askGodforit.Hewillprovide!
Reminder:Inyourdesiretoservethemembersofyourgroup,don’tneglectyourownmarriage.Spendqualitytimewithyourspouseduringtheweek!
SessionTwo LivingwithNewChallenges
BeforetheMeeting
1. Gathermaterialsformakingnametags.Alsogatherpensorpencils,3x5-inchindexcardsandBibles.
2. Provideindexcardsforrecordingprayerrequests.3. Readthroughyourownanswersandmarktheonesthatyouespeciallywanttohavethegroupdiscuss.Alsohighlightkeyversesyoufeelareappropriatetoshare.
4. Prepareslipsofpaperwiththereferencesfortheversesthatyouwillwantsomeonetoreadaloudduringthesession.Distributetheseslipsasgroupmembersarrive,butbesensitivetothosewhoareuncomfortablereadingaloudorwhomightnotbefamiliarwiththeBible.
IceBreakers
1. Greetmembersastheyarriveandgivethemanindexcardtorecordprayerrequests.
2. Invitecouplestosharehowtheyappliedwhattheylearnedinlastweek’ssessiontotheirrelationship.
3. Askvolunteerstoshareonepraiseorgoodthingthathappenedduringthepastweek.ThisisanopportunityforthosewhomightnotalwaysseethegoodinthingstolearnhowtoexpressgratitudeandthanksgivingtoGodnomatterwhatthecircumstance.
4. Beginwithprayer.
Discussion
1. TillingtheGround—Invitevolunteerstosharewhatchallengestheythinkareprobablythemostcommoninblendedmarriagesbutnotanissueinfirstmarriages.Discusstheanswerstotherestofthequestionsastimeallows.
2. PlantingtheSeed—Formgroupsoffourtodiscussthequestionsinthissection.
3.WateringtheHope—Allowsmallgroupstocontinuethediscussionandhavethemsharetheiranswerstoquestion25withthewholegroup.
4.HarvestingtheFruit—Invitecouplestosharetheiranswerswiththeirspouse.
5. CloseinPrayer—Havecouplespraytogether.Ascouplesleave,haveeachoneselectanindexcardwithanothercouple’sprayerrequest.Askthemtoprayforthecoupleinthecomingweekandcontactthemviaphone,e-mailorpersonalnote.
AftertheMeeting
1. Evaluate—Spendtimeevaluatingthemeeting’seffectiveness.
2. Encourage—Contacteachcoupleduringtheweekandseehowtheyaredoing.Askiftheyhavehadadatewiththeirspouseandiftheyhaveachallengeforwhichtheywouldlikecontinuingprayersupport.Praywiththemoverthephone.
3. Equip—CompletetheBiblestudy.4. Pray—Praythateachcouplewouldhavethefreedomandfocustoprayerfullyconsidereachotherandhowthechallengesoftheblendedmarriagehaveaffectedthem.PraythatGodwillcontinuetogivethemthegraceandstrengththeyneedtothriveintheirblendedmarriage.
SessionThree LivingwithNewRelationships
BeforetheMeeting
1. Gathermaterialsformakingnametagsinadditiontoextrapens,paper,3x5-inchindexcardsandBibles.
2. Provideindexcardsforrecordingprayerrequests.3. Readthroughyourownanswersfromthesessionandmarktheonesthatyouespeciallywanttohavethegroupdiscuss.Alsohighlightanykeyversesyoufeelareappropriatetoshare.
4. Prepareslipsofpaperwithreferencesfortheversesthatyouwillwantsomeonetoreadaloudduringthesession.Distributetheseslipsasgroupmembersarrive,butbesensitivetothosewhoareuncomfortablereadingaloudorwhomightnotbefamiliarwiththeBible.
5. Haveakitchenblendersittingonatableasafocalpoint.Alsobringarecipeforafruitsmoothieandarecipeforanothertypeoffoodandtheingredientsforeachrecipe.Thesewillbeusedduringtheicebreaker.
IceBreakers1.Handanindexcardtoeachmemberasheorsheenterstheroom.Encouragememberstoatleastwritetheirnamesandphonenumbers,eveniftheydon’thaveanyrequests.Remindmembersthateveryoneneedssomeonetoprayforthem,evenifthereisnospecificneed.
2.Usetheblenderasavisualaidtoremindeachcouplethatwhentheycametogetherinablendedrelationship,otherswerethrownintothecontainerwiththem:allotherrelatives,pets,children,memories,traditions,etc.Explainthatyouaregoingtomakeafruitsmoothie.Then
startaddingtheingredients,butpartwaythroughtherecipeswitchtotheotherrecipeandstartaddingsomeofthoseingredients(thiswouldbeespeciallyeffectiveifthesecondrecipehasonions,garlicorothersmelly
ingredients).Someonewillprobablyprotest.Ifnot,goaheadandblendtheingredientsfrombothrecipes,andthenaskifanyonewouldliketotastetheconcoction.Explainthatwhenweareblendingourfamiliesweneedtofollowtherecipe—God’sWord—tomaketheblendpalatable.
3.Invitecouplestosharewhatthevisualoftheblenderandthemixed-uprecipesinvokesinthem.
Discussion
1. TillingtheGround—Discussquestions1and2.Question3canbediscussedbythecouplesduringtheHarvestingtheFruittime.
2. PlantingtheSeed—LeadthewholegroupthroughtheBiblestudydiscussion.
3.WateringtheHope—Discussthissectionasagroup,invitingvolunteerstosharetheirthoughtsonthequestions.
4.HarvestingtheFruit—Haveindividualcouplessharetheiranswersinprivate.Inclosing,readthe10rulesforconfidentstepparentingandinvitememberstoselectthemosthelpfulone,basedontheirownexperience.Ifthereistime,invitethemtosuggestadditionalrules.
5. CloseinPrayer—Haveeachcouplepairupwithanothercoupleandpraytogether.Invitethemtoswapprayerrequests.Invitethemtoprayfortheothercoupleinthecomingweek,contactingthemviaphone,e-mailornote.
AftertheMeeting
1. Evaluate—Spendtimeevaluatingthemeeting,notingwhatworkedandwhatdidn’twork.
2. Encourage—Contacteachcoupleduringtheweekandseehowtheyaredoing.Askiftheyhavecontactedtheirprayerpartners.
3. Equip—CompletetheBiblestudy.4. Pray—PraythateachcouplewouldhavetheconvictiontosurrendertheirnewpersonalandfamilyrelationshipstotheLordforHishelpandhealing.AskGodtogiveeachcoupleadesiretohonorHiminalltheirrelationships.
SessionFour LivingwithNewHope
BeforetheMeeting
1. Gathermaterialsformakingnametagsinadditiontoextrapens,paper,3x5-inchindexcardsandBibles.
2. Provideindexcardsforrecordingprayerrequests.3. Readthroughyourownanswersfromthesessionandmarktheonesthatyouespeciallywanttohavethegroupdiscuss.Alsohighlightanykeyversesyoufeelareappropriatetoshare.
4. Prepareslipsofpaperwithreferencesfortheversesthatyouwillwantsomeonetoreadaloudduringthesession.Distributetheseslipsasgroupmembersarrive,butbesensitivetothosewhoareuncomfortablereadingaloudorwhomightnotbefamiliarwiththeBible.
5. Fortheicebreaker,gatherthemakingsoffreshlemonade:lemons,sugar,waterandice.Alsogathertheequipment:alargeclearpitcher,aknife,ajuicer(optional),ameasuringcupandalong-handledspoon.Ifyouaren’tusedtomakingfreshlemonade,practicemakinglemonadebeforethemeeting.Setthematerialsuponatableatthefrontoftheroom.Option—Havelemonadepreparedinadvancesothateachgroupmembercanhaveaglassoftherealthing.
IceBreakers
1. Giveeachmembertwoindexcardsthisweek.Oneforprayerrequestsandtheotherforapraisereport.EncouragethemtowriteonethingGodhasdoneinthem,asacoupleorasafamily,overthecourseofthisstudy.HandoutBiblereferencesonslipsofpaperforreadingaloudlater.
2. Beginthedemonstrationwithanemptypitcher.Explainthatattimeswemightthinkthatlifehashandeduslemonsintheformoftrialsordifficultrelationships.Cutsomelemonsinhalfandsqueezethejuiceintothepitcher.Continuebyexplainingthatwecantrytodilutetheproblems(addsomewater)ortreatotherscoldly(addsomeice),butourliveswillcontinuetobesour.WhenweaddGod’slovetothemix(addsugar)andblenditalltogether(stir),wegetsweet,refreshinglemonade.Attimesnewtroubleswilloccur(cutmorelemonsandaddthejuicetothemix),andwehaveachoice:becomebitterlikethissourlemonadeorallowGod’slovetoovercomebitterness(addmoresugarandstir).Whenlifehandsuslemons,wecanchoosewhethertodrinksourlemonjuiceoraddthesweetnessofGod’slovetomaketheblendmorepalatable.
3. InvitecouplestosharethehopethatcomeswithacknowledgingtheirneedforGod’sloveinblendingtheirfamilies.
Discussion
1. TillingtheGround—Discussquestions1through3.2. PlantingtheSeed—Divideintogroupsbygenderandhaveeachgroupdiscussthequestions.
3.WateringtheHope—Discussquestions23through26withthewholegroup.Invitevolunteerstosharetheirthoughtsonquestion27.
4.HarvestingtheFruit—Allowtimeforeachcoupletosharetheiranswersprivately.SuggestthattheyfocusonthehopetheycanshareinmakingnewchoicesthroughGod’sstrength.
5. CloseinPrayer—Sincethisisthefinalmeeting,haveeachcouplesharesomethingfromthestudythathasimpactedthem.Haveeachcouplereadtheirprayerrequestsandtheirpraises.Aftereachcouplehasshared,praytogetherasagroup,inacircle,allowingtimeforpraiseandintercession.
AftertheMeeting
1. Evaluate—Emphasizetheimportanceoffeedback,andaskmemberstotakethetimethisweektowriteareviewofthegroupmeetingsandthentoreturnthemtoyou.
2. Encourage—CalleachcoupleduringthenextweekandinvitethemtojoinyouforthenextstudyintheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSeries.
3. Equip—BeginpreparingandbrainstormingnewactivitiesforthenextBiblestudy.
4. Pray—PraisetheLordfortheworkHehasdoneinthelivesofthecouplesinthestudy.Continuetoprayforthesecouplesastheyapplythelessonslearnedinthelastfewweeks.
Notes
SessionOne[1].EdwardGoodrickandJohnKohlenberger,TheNIVExhaustiveConcordance
(GrandRapids,MI:ZondervanPublishingHouse,1990),p.117,#2568.[2].Thisisafictionalaccount.Anyresemblancetoactualeventsoranypeople,
livingordead,ispurelycoincidental.
SessionTwo[1].AnAmericanDictionaryoftheEnglishLanguage,15thed.,s.v.“compassion.”[2].Ibid.,s.v.“comfort.”[3].MaxineMarsolini,BlendedFamilies(Chicago,IL:MoodyPress,2000),p.10.[4].Thisisafictionalaccount.Anyresemblancetoactualeventsoranypeople,
livingordead,ispurelycoincidental.[5].AnAmericanDictionaryoftheEnglishLanguage,s.v.“delight.”[6].Marsolini,BlendedFamilies,p.14.
SessionThree[1].AngelaElwellHunt,LovingSomeoneElse’sChild(Wheaton,IL:TyndaleHouse
Publishers,1992),p.23.[2].Thayer’sGreekLexicon.4thed.CD-ROM,version3.1,BibleSoft.[3].Thisisafictionalaccount.Anyresemblancetoactualeventsoranypeople,
livingordead,ispurelycoincidental.[4].Hunt,LovingSomeoneElse’sChild,p.223.
SessionFour[1].MaxineMarsolini,BlendedFamilies(Chicago,IL:MoodyPress,2000),p.10.[2].EmilyVisher,quotedinAmandaMorgan,“HappyStepfamilies:WhatAreThey
DoingRight?”Redbook,(May1989),p.129.[3].Thisisafictionalaccount.Anyresemblancetoactualeventsoranypeople,
livingordead,ispurelycoincidental.