Occasionally using our critical lens to focus scorching rays of satire Volume LXXX Issue 28April 1, 2012

Arts & Opinion SportsNews & Features

www.strosemonocle.com

New guest columnist reviews the reviewer. “Having heard much about this ‘Rachel Bolton,’ I thought she would be a more interesting subject to review.” Find out more on page B7

Saint Rose athletics to move to Division I, chance to compete with Syracuse University for real. See page D11

Close living conditions cause entire population of Saint Rose females to PMS in unison; male students evacuated until further notice. See page A4

In Brief: Break-in befuddles authorities— “They took everything–the orange suspenders, my favorite jumpsuit...” For more info, see page A2

Games can be found on page C8. MORE games can be found on page C9. See pages C8 and C9

Quidditch to be the seventeenth sports team sponsored by the College of Saint Rose.See page D12

College to Build New Parking Lot

Continued on page A2

By NORB MATTHIESSONSpeculative Editor

The crows. Widely accepted--and disparaged--by both the college and city populace as being self-centered pests, who only have their own survival at

heart, and who have the annoy-ing habits of fl ocking in the thou-sands and excreting. There have been recent murmurings among the smoking population on cam-pus that the crows’ interests may not be wholly species-centric.

“It’s like they know I’m a Continued on page A3

Smokers’ Consensus: Crows in Cahoots

with CollegeBy PONTOFFEL POCKRaconteur Extraordinaire

Students who enjoy spend-ing warm weather months on the campus green may want to start looking for a new place to have fun. The Monocle has learned that the College of Saint Rose is awaiting fi nal city approval on the construction of a new park-ing lot upon what is currently the campus green. The lot, which contains space for approximately 150 cars, will cost approximately $500,000 and will be completed in time for the fall semester.

Offi cials declined comment on the report, but internal memos suggest administrators decided to move forward with the lot after being unable to fi nd parking and having to circle the St. Vincent’s lot for three months. Although previous attempts to erect new lots were met with stiff opposi-tion from Pine Hills residents, the college alleviated their concerns by establishing a microclimate relief fund. Documents obtained by The Monocle also show that the parking lot will be paid for by yet another increase in your tuition for the 2012-2013 school year.

News of the green’s demise was met with mixed reaction from residents. Steve Albelin, a sophomore and resident of Lima Hall, said he was very upset by the prospect of losing the campus

green. “I play acoustic guitar a lot, and the campus green is one of my favorite places to work on songs. There’s a lot of people that pass by, and it gives me a great chance to promote my new album and upcoming shows.”

Others were not as dismayed. “You mean Steve Albelin won’t be able to play anymore? Pave, baby, pave,” said Maria Macken-zie, a junior and friend of Albe-lin. “The campus green attracts the worst kind of people—kids, couples, professors, cyclists, art-ists, stupidheads, jugglers, crum bums, dweebs, lax bros—you name it and they’re on the green. The sooner we can get them away from such a prominent location, the better.”

Plans are for the lot to contain parking for faculty and residents, paving the way for new com-muter parking near Brubacher Hall. Erin Lambert, a commuter student, was pleased to learn about the new lot, saying, “I’m really glad to hear that the school is building a new lot. It’s so diffi -cult to fi nd parking before classes now and—wait, they’re making us park out at Bru? That makes about as much sense as invit-ing a commencement speaker famous for fi ring teachers to a college known for its education programs.”

The campus green has a storied

smoker, they’ve got my car marked. I mean, I come back after EPY and it’s like they’ve turned my pretty little blue car white. Bunch of h**bags,” said Sarah Marins, a commuter,

Volume 80 Issue 28The Monocle April 1, 2012NewsA2In Brief

By TAYLOR MERRIHEWContributing Writer

A gang of ducks bullied the gaggle of Crips on the corner of Lake and City Street.

Gang signs and three-toed-web-feet were flashed and raised high into the air between upper-cuts, chop-shots, bites, nibbles, and hay-makers.

There were no survivors. Blood splattered, glistened, and

squirted here and there.Bills were scattered every-

where. Molted feathers and royal blue bandanas littered the crime scene.

Only pieces and scraps re-mained. They fluttered to the pavement, soon consumed by the witnesses: the seagull scavengers and the hungry homeless.

Ducklings and thuglets wait-ed after school but were never picked up.

Arrests Made on CampusBy ZACHARY OLSAVICKYAss. to the General Manager

Albany police arrested a pair of trees on Saturday on counts of lewd acts in a public place Satur-day.

Police were called to the Huber School of Business after residents complained of a foul odor in the air. Upon arrival, police discov-ered the pyrus calleryana in the midst of a reproductive act, with the scent of pollen raft in the air. The trees declined comment to the police, which prompted

the police to pat the trees down. Upon completing the patdown, the trees attempted to evade the police, which led to a footrace that ended near the corner of Hamilton and Yates streets. Upon subduing the trees, police charged the calleryana with Lewd Acts in Public, a Class G misdemeanor punishable by up to 90 days of community service. Police took the trees to Albany County Court for impounding, where they were transferred to the Albany County Landfill for arraignment.

Gang Beat

By NORB MATTHIESSONSpeculative Editor

An apartment located along Myrtle Avenue was reportedly broken into on Sunday, accord-ing to a spokesperson for the Pine Hills police department.

The second floor apartment at 372 Myrtle is the residence of Timothy McCallister and John Hopkins, Jr., both students at lo-cal colleges. McCallister found his door unlocked upon returning to his apartment Sunday night. He had left earlier that day. As such, it would appear that the break in occurred sometime Sunday after-noon.

According to McCallister, the only items missing from his home were his clothing. “They took ev-erything–the orange suspenders, my favorite jumpsuit, the pink paisley shirt my first girlfriend gave me, my favorite pair of wooden clogs, and the furry vest I hardly ever wear.” McCallister is confounded as to why the thieves only chose to take his wardrobe, and not his XBOX 360, or his

new television. “What would they want with all of that stuff? Who else wears orange suspend-ers? And why did they only take the clothing. Honestly, I’m a little scared.”

Agatha Tinachotzsky, the land-lord and retiree who occupies the first floor apartment, had some words to share about the incident

and her tenant. “I mean, he’s a tad odd, what with wearing that jumpsuit some days and those flared jeans other days. I thought flared jeans were a thing only young ladies wore these days.”

“I don’t know why. I mean,

why would someone want his clothes? That’s just a little trou-bling. Am I next?” said Hopkins, McCallister’s friend and room-mate.

What has the authorities fur-ther perplexed is that, in place of McCallister’s clothing, a new set was left behind. The clothing, largely composed of wool socks, skinny trousers, slouchy hats and dress shirts, is all in McCallis-ter’s sizes.

Authorities would like to question a trio of young cauca-sian men in their early twenties. The men were seen exiting the premises late Sunday afternoon, before mounting three vintage Schwinn bikes, which appeared to have been single speed conver-sions. They were wearing match-ing v-neck shirts, moccasins, and tight black pants.

“It’s awful, everything they gave me is in style. It’s like they’re trying to change me. I don’t want to be one of them! I don’t want to conform to their neo-vintage standards! I won’t do it!”

Break-In Befuddles Authorities

“They took everything–the

orange suspenders, my favorite

jumpsuit, the pink paisley shirt…”

Timothy McCallister

Smokers’ Concensus (cont.)Continued from page A1retaining wall outside the EAC near the gazebo, watching a puff of cigarette smoke waft away on a late March breeze.

After quietly listening to a query about his thoughts on the crows possible collusions, his eyes dart furtively. Hesitating just a moment he then drops the ciga-rette in hand, mashes it underfoot, and then heads inside, motioning the questioner behind him. Be-hind the safety of the paned glass doors he says, “I didn’t see any, but you can never be too careful.”

“Didn’t see any...?” asks the questioner.

“Crows, man, crows! I’m tell-ing you, they’re in the prez’s pocket,” LaRoy said. He proceed-ed to outline an elaborate scheme in which the local murder does

the bidding of the college presi-dent and his lackeys. According to LaRoy, the crows tendency to defecate on the local populace—and their cars—is anything but random.

“Ahh! You might think that they s**t on everyone equally! But no, that’s just to throw you off track. They may s**t on every-one occasionally, but they s**t on smokers especially,” LaRoy said. “They’re smart; if they see you smoking once, they’ve got you marked. You want to walk over to Albertus to class? Better run!” As proof that the college and the crows are colluding, LaRoy cites the recent institution of the to-bacco free campus policies: “As if crows weren’t enough, the col-lege will ticket you if the crows don’t mark you.”

The murder’s spokescrow was not forthcoming about the crow’s collusion with the college. When questioned as to whether her mur-

der had been party to enforcing college tobacco-free policies, she bobbed her head, but would not elaborate any further; instead, she proceeded to take a drink from a muddy puddle. The interview ended rather abruptly when the spokescrow spotted a wayward french fry.

As to the manner by which the

crows may have been brought into the college’s service, there are many theories. “Yeah, so they’re, like, paid with fries. It’s like ‘You prove you poo’d a smoker and we’ll spill a bag of french fries in the Lally lot,’” said Joyce McCallahan, a resident di-rector in Millennium Hall and ex-perienced smoker.

Others were not so convinced the crows needed any such spe-cial barter system. “They were to-tally asked by the college to do it. Really, they were,” said student Eliza Parker, a commuter. “And the crows totally went for it. It’s something they did already on ac-cident, but now all they needed to do was point, aim, splat! No biggie, and I bet it’s kind of fun.” Parker claimed knowledge of the crows intents because she has “friends that smoke.”

Of course, there are also cer-tain parties on campus who are not convinced that the crows are in the enforcement branch of the higher education tree, or that crows have the slightest interest in humanity, except, perhaps in the free meals humanity leaves.

“[Crows] do it ‘cause its what they do. I don’t know what all of them are talking about. They s**t on you cause they have to s**t. If you happen to be under them when they do it...oh well. I don’t know where people get these ideas in their heads,” said student Shayna Smith, who is a work study in the Office to Aid Alumni English Majors Without Employ-ment. “All that smoke they’ve been inhaling must be going to their heads and making things a little muddy up there,” she added.

“I did not contribute a quote to this story.”President Barack

Obama

April 1, 2012 Volume 80 Issue 28 The MonocleNews A3

Mailing AddressThe Saint Rose Monocle432 Western AvenueAlbany, NY 12203

Faculty AdviserCailin Brown Official E-mail Address

monocle@strose.edu

Speculative EditorNorb Matthiesson ‘12matthiessonn528@strose.edu

MeetingsMeetings are held every Wednesday at 4:30 p.m. in the CCIM 121, the Mac Lab.

Arts EditorChris Surprenant ‘14surprenantc572@strose.edu

Advertising ManagerAlison Lester ‘12lestera694@strose.edu

Opinion EditorRegina Iannizzotto ‘13iannizzottor407@strose.edu

Managing EditorSunshine Osella ‘13osellas452@strose.edu

Web EditorSearching for applicants.

Sports EditorJackson Wang ‘14wangj847@strose.edu

Ass. to General ManagerZachary Olsavickyolsavickyz977@strose.edu

Features EditorSearching for applicants.

Copy EditorMalana Jojo ‘13jojom304@strose.edu

Business ManagerEmily Robertson ‘13robertsone307@strose.edu Photographer

Kelly Pfeisterpfeisterk953@strose.edu

The

Mon

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Staff Writers (cont.)David LeBlancMichael SmithJoshua NatoliRachel BoltonMeghan O’ConnorJaired CrofutAsia EwartTheresa TaylorLauren HalliganJohn SlaggSam MaxwellTG Branfalt Jr.

SubmissionsAll articles, advertisements and Letters to the Editor are due by noon the Saturday prior to publication.

AdvertisingAll advertising inquiries should be sent to Advertising Manager Alison Lester at lestera694@strose.edu. The Monocle offers free black and white 3-by-5 in. ads to student-run organizations.

Letters to the EditorThe Monocle accepts Letters to the Editor from any party. Letters should not exceed 1000 words.

ANY student can join The Monocle

Staff Writers Vincent GabrielleMatthew Woods

www.strose.edu/careercenter career@strose.edu 518-454-5141

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New Parking Lot (cont.)Continued from page A1

Calendar of (Real) Events

If you have an upcoming event you would like to see in our weekly Calendar of Events please e-mail monocle@strose.edu.

Tuesday, April 33 p.m. Softball vs. New Haven Plumeri3:30 p.m. Baseball vs. LeMoyne Plumeri4:30 p.m. SA Meeting Lally Carondelet Symposium5 p.m. Karate Club Lima Basment6 p.m. - 7:30 p.m. Problems Encountered by New Teachers with Dr. Pfister Albertus 2166 p.m. - 7 p.m. Room Res Roommate Wanted Social Main Lounge6:30 p.m. Imagined Nationalities: A reading from The Codeswitchers by Dr. Shavers Carondelet Symposium, Lally7 p.m. Knight Skills Moran Hall7 p.m. SEB Meeting St. Joseph Hall7 p.m. Adventure Club Lima Basement8 p.m. SADD Meeting Main Lounge8:15 p.m. CEC Professional Development Meeting Moran Hall8:30 p.m. Annual English Dept. Symposium Standish Dining Rooms8:30 p.m. Environmental Club Meeting Lima Basement 9:30 p.m. Guided Meditation Hubbard Sanctuary

Wednesday, April 410 a.m. - 3 p.m. Prentice Hall Book Fair Lally, 2nd Floor Balcony1 p.m. Chicago Style Workshop Academic Support Center4:30 p.m. Chronicle Meeting CCIM Rm 1215 p.m. Weekly Mass Hubbard Sanctuary6 p.m. - 7 p.m. Room Res Roommate Wanted Social Main Lounge6 p.m. Artist Abelardo Morell St. Joseph Hall7 p.m. Rose Rock Committee Meeting Lima Basement7 p.m. BASIC Meeting Hubbard Sanctuary7 p.m. Lacrosse vs. Mercy Plumeri7:30 p.m. Chick Corea - Solo Piano Concert Massry8 p.m. Theatre Guild Main Lounge

Thursday, April 52 p.m. APA Style Workshop Academic Support Center6 p.m. MAPS Meeting ALB 1107:15 p.m. MEISA Meeting CCIM Projection Room7:30 p.m. Identity Meeting Lima Basement

Friday, April 6Saturday, April 7Sunday, April 8Monday, April 9

1 p.m. Baseball vs. Concordia Plumeri6 p.m. English Club Meeting Library7 p.m. CEC Community Involvement Meeting Lima Basement7 p.m. Knight Skills Moran Hall8 p.m. CEC Meeting Lima Basement8 p.m. Outside the [BOX] ALB 211

tradition at Saint Rose. It was host to the school’s first commence-ment ceremony in 1923 before the school relocated the ceremo-ny to the Port of Albany, citing increased capacity. The campus green went on to see other mile-stones like the first Rose Rock concert in 1984, where bands like the Grateful Dead, the Rutles, and Bruce Hornsby and the Range did not play, and the historic 1997 in-tramural flag football champion-ship game between the Muffed Punters and Deep Penetration, where Deep Penetration pulled out a thrilling 63-56 in triple overtime.

“I will never forget that game,” said winning quarterback Sean Avery, who won team MVP hon-ors with a 43-for-55 and 5 TD

performance. “I have so many great memories from that year. Partying, cutting class, partying–I did it all, man. Saint Rose for life!,” he added, yelling from the

balcony of his Hamilton Street apartment to the crowd of nobody passing by.

Students are already form-

ing contingency plans. Albelin said he was looking to move to the quad near Brubacher Hall, saying, “The UAlbany girls are always more fond of my music anyways. I doubt it has anything to do with their levels of intel-ligence relative to those of Saint Rose students.”

Mackenzie also discussed the Brubacher quad as a possible landing spot, but recanted upon learning that Albelin is consider-ing the location as well. “You win this round, Albelin. You win this round.”

Still, the overriding feeling was one of shock. Saint Rose se-nior Ford Prefect was taken aback by the news. “I can’t believe the school would do something like this. It sounds like some kind of sick prank.”

“The campus green attracts the worst

kind of people—kids, couples, professors,

jugglers, cyclists, artists, stupidheads, crum bums, dweebs, lax bros—you name it and they’re on

the green.”Maria Mackenzie

Volume 80 Issue 28The Monocle April 1, 2012NewsA4Close Living Conditions

Cause Entire Population of Saint Rose Females to PMS in Unison; Male Students Evacuated Until Further

NoticeBy EMILY PEREZWomen’s Initiative

A lone, empty carton of Ben and Jerry’s ominously rolling down the steps of Saint Joe’s was the only remnant of the carnage on Saturday.

Experts are unsure of exactly how the phenomenon occurred, yet it appears that a combination of pheromones and the full moon caused the menstrual cycle of all female residents to sync up on the same day last week. Taking their cue from a number of zombie apocalypse films, security offi-cials evacuated all male students to a heavily barricaded Morris Hall. An employee of Residence Life confided, “We have enough Mountain Dew Code Red and Call of Duty to last our boys until the end of this disaster. Student safety is paramount here.”

Meanwhile, back on campus an eerie silence pervaded the atmo-sphere. The Camelot Room was ravaged, freezer doors hung off their hinges and not a single over-priced carton of Zuzzy’s Cookie Dough remained to be seen. An expert explained, “We anticipated this occurrence, and made pleas to several local cable channels weeks in advance. It appears that our efforts have paid off. Current-ly, all female students are in their rooms watching a marathon of Miss Congeniality, Save the Last Dance, The Princess Diaries, and Mamma Mia.” Unfortunately, all great marathons must come to an end. By 8 p.m. girls were again roaming the campus searching for a way to vent their uncon-trollable aggression. They found it upon spotting That Guy Who Never Shuts Up In Political Sci-ence Class making a run for it to pick up Chinese takeout. Reached

for comment at Albany Medical Center, That Guy noted, “I don’t understand. All I said was that I can see where Rush Limbaugh was coming from with that slut comment.”

By 9 p.m., all female students had assembled on the quad for a venting session. A large bon-fire was started in the center of the space, and anyone who had something to get off her chest could throw an item into the flames. Saint Rose gym packets were the first to be consumed in the conflagration, Chris Brown albums and the sticks of several lax bro ex-boyfriends soon fol-lowed. After the session, the girls linked hands and sat down Indian style on the ground. Midol and tissues were distributed freely as all mutually reassured each other that the bloating would go away soon and it’s okay to just chill and wear sweatpants every now and then. After a massive late night pizza delivery, an impromptu cof-fee house style open mic began. Miraculously, as The Girls Next Door sang the first notes of Ego, national recording artists Sarah McLachlan, Jewel, Fiona Apple, Four Non Blondes, and the Dixie Chicks emerged from the EAC to join them in a show of solidarity with the power of womanhood.

For those seeking to better un-derstand the incident, tapes re-corded from this event are now scheduled to play on the Saint Rose Network for the next 800 consecutive days. In addition, a SyFy Channel film entitled “Predatory Maneating Savages, or PMS” is already in production. Surveying the scene from a safe distance, a male APD officer stat-ed, “It’s hard to see from this heli-copter, but I think the worst might be over. We did it. We survived.”

By NORB MATTHIESSONSpeculative Editor

The event dreaded by innu-merable artists and writers for centuries has finally occurred—the very last original thought has been thunk.

Scientists from the former In-stitute for Creative Thought at the University of Northumbridge, Wales, in coalition with a team from The College of Saint Rose in Albany, New York, have been tracking the gradual decrease in original thought production over the past decade. They have found conclusive evidence the last thought was thunk at 1:03:09 p.m. approximately 31.47 degrees north of the Equator and 74.27 degrees east of the Prime Merid-ian. The scientists stated that they had also ascertained two words associated with what they refer to as the Final Thought Event.

“All we know is that it has something to do with ‘golden arch,’” said the dour Dr. Yi Pi, an Albany-based scientist work-ing on the project. “We’ve known this day was coming for a long time, but were never sure when.”

Reporters from this publica-tion tracked down the creator of the Final Thought Event. The co-ordinates led them to a fast food restaurant in Lahore, Pakistan.

“I had no idea, I was just mak-ing fries,” said 19-year-old Mu-hammad Saleem, a food service associate at McDonald’s Drive-Thru.

When asked what the final thought was, Saleem said, “I—I’m embarrassed to say, but I was thinking about shoving a hot fry up Wassad’s nose. He screws up the orders all the time. The cus-tomers get mad. I have to come up front and fix everything. I was imagining the fry traveling into his brain and then down to his heart. They say the fries give you heart attacks. Please don’t tell my boss!”

Saleem never acted on this thought nor spoke it before being

asked what he had been thinking.When told what the Final

Thought Event had contained, project leader Dr. Karen Jacques of the Institute displayed a marked lack of surprise. “The

vast majority of original thoughts were never voiced or articulated into speech,” said Jacques, as she packed up her office supplies.

“They tend to be thoughts that would be illogical, or insulting to others. Functioning members

Last Original Thought Thunk

“We’ve known this day was coming

for a long time, but were never sure

when.”Dr. Yi Pi

‘Final Thought Event’ occurs in Lahore, Pakistan

The dour Dr. Yi Pi is currently engaged in searching for funding to finance a research initiative to establish correlations in thought patterns across demographics. The project is operating under the working appellation “Revelation”. He can be contacted at yipi@yahoo.com.

of society screen them through inculcated cultural filters. An ex-ample would be ‘you’re a nosy git who needs his pen lodged sideways up his arse.’”

The Final Thought Event is a major blow to the areas of art and literature which thrive on the creation of new original thoughts, but they can take heart in that most original thoughts were nev-er put to paper or canvas.

Outside the McDonalds in La-hore a makeshift memorial has taken root. Among the slips of paper containing past original thoughts, one memorial stands out: a five-foot wide nose with a fry jammed up one nostril.

“Well, I’m glad it’s all over. Now everyone can stop fretting about having original thoughts and simply think again,” said Dr. Pi.

NORB MATTHIESSON

April 1, 2012 Volume 80 Issue 28 The MonocleNews A5

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Volume 80 Issue 28The Monocle April 1, 2012NewsA6

By REGINA IANNIZZOTTOOpinion Editor

Jimmy Fallon is known as the funny man in town. Well, now he is bringing his funny man person-ality to the College of Saint Rose. We have taken on this Saint Rose graduate to indulge in the ancient teachings of giggling. Yes, you read correctly, giggling.

“What a lot of people don’t realize about giggling is that it really is good for the soul,” said Fallon. “Giggling is infectious. When you see someone giggling, don’t you just have to giggle and you don’t know why? People al-ways say ‘laughter is good for the soul.’ It’s true.”

Fallon plans on beginning the course with the history of gig-gling, not to be confused with laughter; similar, but very differ-ent. “Giggling is more of a light sounding noise when something is just a little funny. Laughter is more boisterous and more of that falling on the floor kind of move-ment. Giggling is a little more laid back.”

From there, he plans on talk-ing about the movements you make when you giggle or laugh. For instance, when you giggle, your mouth moves a little and your shoulders move forward a bit. When you laugh, your head goes backward so you are facing the ceiling. Your stomach also tightens restraining your breath. “There’s a lot that goes into gig-gling and laughing that no one really thinks about. That’s what I’m here to teach. If you’re going to laugh, do it right. Go big or go home,” said Fallon.

During the class, he will add in some improvisations, or improv, lessons that will help the other person react with either giggling or laughter. “There’s nothing bet-ter than some good old fashioned improv,” said Fallon. “It’s the best activity there is.”

Jimmy Fallon to Start Classes on

“Giggling vs. Laughing”

One student is particularly ex-cited about registering for this class. Sophomore Abbey Nau-mowicz has been not so patiently waiting for her registration day. “I can’t wait. I love Jimmy Fal-lon. It’s going to be so awesome!”

Junior Myles Clendenin said, “I absolutely love giggling and laughing. It’s one of my favorite things to do. I am so excited Saint Rose finally has a class like this.”

Sophomore Sarah Abelson, President of Outside the [Box], is very happy that Jimmy Fallon has agreed to teach this class. “[Out-side the Box] has been trying to get a class like this on campus for a while and administration has fi-nally listened. Our main goal as a club is to promote positivity and I can’t think of a better way to do that than to learn how to giggle.”

There you have it. Jimmy Fal-lon is coming to teach a class on giggling and everyone could not be more excited. What will this school think of next?

WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

James Thomas Fallon, Jr. in 2010

By SUNSHINE OSELLAManaging Editor

Every day students line up to purchase their favorite Starbucks drink. Students will stand in a line of 10 or more people just to get their Starbucks fix.

Dr. Bob Smith, Saint Rose staff counselor, said, “If you find yourself going to Starbucks more than once a day or being unable to make it through the day with-out your Starbucks fix, it may be time to admit you have a prob-lem.”

Dr. Smith also said that he sees many students coming into coun-seling because they feel guilty about their inability to control themselves from purchasing Star-bucks. For this reason, Dr. Smith has banded together with a select group of students to form the first ever Starbucks Anonymous (SA) group on campus.

Sally Miller, a junior educa-tion major, said that she first re-alized she had a problem when she started to choose to be late to class just to wait for her drink. “I knew I had hit rock bottom when

I missed a test to get Starbucks,” said Miller. Miller is one of the students who helped create SA, she believes that students need a safe place to work through this ever growing problem.

“SA will be a completely non-judgmental place to help individ-uals first admit they have a prob-lem and then to use the support of SA to work through it,” said Miller.

John Doe, a sophomore com-munications major, is another ad-vocate for the creation of SA. “I was getting Starbucks three times a day until I met with Dr. Smith and he helped me see that I need-ed to get help.” Doe says that Dr. Smith is the main reason he was able to overcome his addiction. “I am proud to say I am now 14 days clean and counting,” said Doe.

Dr. Smith explained that the main purpose of the group is to help individuals not feel alone in his or her struggle. That by com-ing together as a group, students can help each other gain strength to overcome the challenges that they will face in getting better.

“We [SA] follow a unique 84

Students Help Each Other Overcome Addiction

step program that is fool proof. We are really excited about show-ing people how simple it will be to come clean with just these 84 easy steps,” explained Smith.

Suzy Green, a junior music major, said that she depends on Starbucks to get through her grueling late night practices and thinks that an SA group would be great for her. “The support of SA could give me that extra boost and strength to begin to combat my problem,” said Green.

Green is not alone in having a need for this group, Dr. Smith already has 10 people signed up who shall, of course, remain anonymous. “But there is always room for more, we would never turn anyone away who felt they could benefit from SA,” said Dr. Smith.

The first SA meeting will be held on Friday, April 6, at 7 p.m. The meeting will be held in the main lounge. For more informa-tion or to sign up, please contact Dr. Smith at smithb@email.com or at (444) 444-4444.

By REGINA IANNIZZOTTOOpinion Editor

Do you plan on giving any money to charity?

I only plan on giving $1,000 to Relay for Life. I have a shop-ping addiction I need to support. There’s a lot of clothes out there that need some love.

What do you plan on doing with all of that money?

I plan on buying all the TC-BY’s in New York State so I can have an unlimited amount of fro-zen yogurt. It’s my favorite.

How has your life changed since you won?

My closet size has increased; that's the only change really.

Do you plan on staying in school?

I plan on dropping out of

Interview With Mega Millions Winnerschool and being a full time sugar mama. Who needs school when all of this money exists?

What is the first thing you have done with the money since you won?

I threw it in the air and pre-tended I was Richie Rich. I ran around in a circle and jumped up and down. It was exciting. I’ve al-ways wanted to do that.

Have any family members been super nice to you now that you've won to get a piece of the action?

My dogs are nicer to me, which seems weird, but they’re not dumb. They get the good food now.

What made you buy the ticket?In my dream during a nap I

won the lotto so I said, “What the heck let me try!”

How did you find out you won?

I was watching TV and saw my house, and was like “What the-?” So I went outside and they told me I won. I screamed, “Woo!” I was really excited.

Do you plan on ever playing again even though you've al-ready won the big jackpot?

I don't think I'll play again. I'll let another lucky person get a try. I’m not that greedy.

Where were you when you found out you won?

I was in my house cuddled in my bed. Part of me didn’t even want to get up because I was so comfortable, but my dogs were going nuts barking so I had to see what was going on.

April 1, 2012 Volume 80 Issue 28 The MonocleArts B7New Daytime Programming Met

With Mixed ResultsBy CHRIS SURPRENANTArts Editor

In the past few weeks, daytime programming has made a stag-gering resurgence, particularly among the coveted demographic of women 18-49. In the absence of beloved mid-afternoon soap operas All My Children and One Life to Live, audiences have flocked to thrilling new programs starring seasoned professionals no one has ever heard of to dictate how to live daily life.

Viewers have taken a bite out of ABC’s The Chew, flocking to the program’s unique com-bination of cooking and gossip. Network insiders insist that The Chew is “totally different” than television personality Rachel Ray’s self-titled project, insisting that viewers need to “just trust us.” They also stated that a pro-gram such as The Chew belongs on network television because there is no other place for food-related programming 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

“I mean, food needs to be a part of the television world. It’s been long overdue to dedicate a show to something everyone loves, [food] and mix it with superficial gossip about D-list celebrities,” one insider said.

While The Chew is having great success with its revolution-ary new concept, those involved with the series dismiss any rela-tion to the Food Network.

“This is classy television. We have real people on this show like that guy from Unwrapped and Doctor Oz’s daughter…whoever she is.”

With the apparent interest in such lifestyle programs, ABC has continued its innovation, adding the health and wellness show The Revolution to accompany The Chew in place of the now-defunct One Life to Live. Attempting to add a bit of edge, producers have attached several big names to the project.

“I really like that guy with the glasses from that fashion show,” said one eager fan of host Tim Gunn. “He’s really good, along with Jennifer Aniston. I mean, it’s Jennifer Aniston! Who wouldn’t watch?”

When referring to Jennifer An-iston, the fan was mistaken. This is apparently a recurring problem plaguing the show. In reality, the woman mistaken for Anis-ton is actually Dr. Jennifer Ash-ton. However, those on the show downplay that fact, hoping to re-tain, “less observant viewers.”

Yet, some viewers are keener than others, including an 80 year old grandmother of seven who asked not to be named.

“You know, those studio big-wigs working for the man ought to be ashamed of themselves! I’ve watched my stories since 1968, and now they’re trying to force feed me this [expletive]? They think after 40 some-odd years I want to be told how to not be fat? Here’s the answer: don’t over eat and go for a walk!” the enraged viewer said.

Studio producers are quick to point out that all those in America who are home during the day, or have the opportunity to watch television in the afternoon, want to watch more reality television that “reflects their lives in the 21st century.” They have reasoned that lowering the bar in entertainment will serve a greater purpose than a compelling, meaningful, serial

drama.“Look, we know people loved

their soap operas, but it’s time for a change. I mean, look at the suc-cess of Snooki. MTV hasn’t had those kinds of ratings in years. That’s what we need on network television in the afternoon.”

Those connected with these lifestyle programs firmly believe that by passing no-name celebri-ties across television screens ev-ery afternoon will enrich the lives of those who watch. The wheels are already in motion for a Jer-sey Shore-like program to make its way to the daytime schedule sometime in early 2013. The show is slated to present a com-prehensive guide to pregnancy for irresponsible, big-haired, super-tan partiers who often find themselves in an alcohol-induced stupors.

“The idea of a daytime Snooki is very appealing to us. She is the voice of her generation, and we really think the public will fist-pump to that,” a source said.

Yet, homemakers and the el-derly still have their doubts. “I want my stories back. I watched The Chew once. If I wanted no-bodies to teach me how to cook, I’d watch that Barefoot Contessa on the Food Network,” said one soap opera advocate.

Perhaps one anonymous el-derly viewer summed it up best, “I used to watch the soaps all the time. They gave me a break from working around the house. When those ‘lifestyle’ programs came out, they bored me so much, I couldn’t watch them. I turned them off, and now I do more work for hours on end, instead of watching my stories. I’m so tired at the end of the day, I can’t even feel my legs.”

There you have it. Lifestyle programs overwork senior citi-zens to the point they can no longer feel their legs. ABC is now being investigated for elder abuse. Details are forthcoming.

“Lifestyle” Programs Replace Much-Loved Soap Operas

Something Sour, Something Sweet:

Rachel Bolton (2012)By SUCKY O’BAD-MOVIEGuest Columnist This week, “Something Sour,

Something Sweet” has the plea-sure of introducing a special guest columnist, Sucky O’Bad-Movie, to review Monocle colum-nist Rachel Bolton.

Rating- Sour

I had expected better from this experience. Having heard much about this “Rachel Bolton,” I thought she would be a more in-teresting subject to review. As a film, I hope that my reviewer is an enthralling and attentive per-son, but sadly Miss Bolton is anything but.

My first issue with Miss Bolton is the manner in which she watched me. She apparently believes that it is appropriate to view films at the last possible mo-ment. She found me on Netflix at 11:08 p.m. the night before this review was due. How she views films is highly inappropriate.

Miss Bolton slouches in her bed, dressed in her pajamas, with her laptop balanced in her lap. What has happened to the days when people would dress in their fine clothes and go to the theater to enjoy high art films?

I was even more put out by Miss Bolton’s eating and drink-ing while she watched me. You would not believe the things she was consuming. Popcorn! The horror! And she was drinking the noxious liquid known as “hot co-

coa.”I thought that the problems

would end with Miss Bolton’s di-sastrous dietary habits, but I was wrong. Miss Bolton proves her rudeness by commenting during my showing! She added nothing intelligent to the film experience.

She has often said, “Well that was poor writing!” or “How on earth did this monstrosity get studio funding?” Or worse, her phrases would be peppered with profanity. It is distressing to hear, and as a film I am depressed by her criticism.

Miss Bolton was also an inat-tentive viewer as well. If I had fingers, I would run out of them counting the number of times she paused me, so she could go on that time waster Facebook or look at other webpages. I am a film! I am meant to be watched and not ignored.

I would not recommend Rachel Bolton as a reviewer to any of my film friends. She is a disgrace to her profession and not worthy of the title “reviewer.” She has in-sulted the art form of motion pic-tures with her laziness and I will not tolerate her anti-filmite com-ments anymore.

I stand together with my broth-er and sister films in this state-ment: We demand that this mo-ron be immediately terminated from her position at The Mono-cle. We believe that a prestigious newspaper such as this deserves better. Fire her, or we films will refuse to be reviewed.

What’s that movie you’re dying to see? Is there a TV show you can’t stop talking about? Tell us! Chris Surprenant and Rachel Bolton will discuss anything and everything pop culture in The Monocle’s pages.

Email Rachel at boltonr413@strose.edu or Chris at surprenantc572@strose.edu with questions

today!

“I want my stories back. I watched The

Chew once. If I wanted nobodies to teach me

how to cook, I’d watch that Barefoot Contessa on the Food Network,” Anonymous soap opera

advocate

Volume 80 Issue 28The Monocle April 1, 2012OpinionC8

Tic Tac Toe

Write your word underneath and play a game of Hangman with your friends!

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

By JOHN MACDONALDContributing Writer

I have discovered something. There is a great mystery that has been slowly taking over our cam-pus. It has been sneaking in under the radar remaining undetected and it is time that we bring some attention to it. So what could be this serious issue? Metal springs. I’m serious. They are really there.

If you look around campus, you will notice multiple springs that fl ood the ground. They lit-erally cover all the walkways in large quantities, and it has caused mass confusion and concern. After various conversations and thoughts, I have formulated mul-tiple theories that clearly explain all of these strange happenings.

Theory 1: Everybody dropped their pen and accidentally left the spring on the ground.

Theory 2: Birds are stealing them and dropping them around campus. But hey, it is better than what they usually leave!

Theory 3: Somebody dropped a large satchel of springs while a large gust of wind came by.

Theory 4: Aliens are sending a message to us that we need to decode. Who speaks alien?

Theory 5: Springs now have the capability of being evaporat-ed and rain upon us at night.

Theory 6: A new species of plants blooms them and tosses them about. They are blue and only live for one day. So be care-ful when you put your nose up to smell them.

Theory 7: Belle’s father’s in-vention exploded over campus and all other pieces dissolved ex-cept for the springs.

Theory 8: We have fi nally fi g-ured out Tigger’s secret. I always wondered why he never broke his tail. Bouncing on it all day has got to hurt.

Theory 9: It’s all Rebecca

The Biggest Mystery

Sudoku

Black’s fault, just like war and the global warming.

Theory 10: The pogo stick nin-ja parade came through Albany. Last year, they left plastic spoons.

Theory 11: An underground Spring Society has been leaving behind a trail of clues.

I personally think that theory 4 is most probable. So let’s start working towards an answer so we can fi nally put an end to this! They are extremely dangerous and need to be taken care of. They must be gotten rid of!

Spot the Difference! (There are six!)

Hangman

You know the rules.

GRAPHIC/OPENCLIPART.ORG(In case you forgot.)

April 1, 2012 Volume 80 Issue 28 The Monocle C9OpinionA Look Back at the Editors

Advertising Manager, Alison Lester

Executive Editor, Ian Benjamin

Managing Editor, Sunshine Osella

Opinion Editor, Regina Iannizzotto

Editor's Word Search

A P I N N E N P S Y S N Y Y M R A JL L N T N N V E P K W N E M C O M YL Y M O I A Y I R C A K N W L T A BE I T Y S A M C F I P I H S N C L JS N H N O T B E I V M R K P R J A PO A L A A R R L O A A E E A T C N WE L N N L N S E J S L O R I K I A LN I S L U A E N B L E M S S R A J RI S E I I A E R Y O E I O E W O O RH O L O N B A P P Y R N M E O I J SS N N L N I F R K R W Y R E O S O HN L R A I E Z N L A U M L C R P L IU E I M I A G R N H I S I I L E P OS S N S O E L G L C I R S E M S J NO T T O Z Z I N N A I A N I G E R AB E J C G W I S N Z E L E M R N T OR R W O E A I M S T S S A O O H L SE Y L I E S N W O R B N I L I A C A

Alison LesterCailin BrownChris SurprenantEmily RobertsonIan BenjaminJackson WangJeremie SoemannKelly PfeisterMalana JojoRegina IannizzottoSunshine OsellaZachary Olsavicky

Monocle Editors Word Search

Alison LesterCailin Brown

Chris SurprenantEmily Robertson

Ian BenjaminJackson Wang

Jeremie SoemannKelly Pfeister

Malana JojoRegina Iannizzotto

Sunshine OsellaZachary Olsavicky

Name Bank

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Volume 80 Issue 28The Monocle April 1, 2012OpinionC10The Benefits of Owning a

Large Plastic T-Rex By JESSICA LAMOUREAUXContributing Writer

Many college students have never experienced the joys of owning a Tyrannosaurus Rex, let alone a large plastic one. This is a sad state of affairs. The large plastic dino is actually a mem-ber of the endangered species list – our time with this majestic creature may be cut short in the next decade, despite the efforts of top conservationists and dinosaur enthusiasts. With this in mind, I’d like to personally encourage my peers to do their part and adopt before it’s too late.

I am the proud owner of one of these precious animals. My T-Rex, Jimothy, is practically an-gelic. He has never once wet the bed and he takes care to keep his claws out of the sofa. Actually, neither of these things is really a problem. Jim is an inanimate object. Also, I don’t own a sofa. Still, a more well-mannered crea-ture could not possibly exist.

Jimothy is not only a pet – he has many practical uses as well. Jim makes an excellent paper weight, and his door-stopping skills are absolutely unparalleled. Seriously, his squishy plastic body is optimum for door-stop-

ping. Additionally, placing him in random places is likely to cause mass confusion – or at least get people to look at me funny. Leav-ing him on dressers or under ta-bles is definitely enough to freak my roommate out, which I am sure she appreciates thoroughly.

Susan Walensky, Mayor of the Water Closet, had this to say about dinosaurs in general: “I love them! They’re so cute, and they’re cuddly, and they make me soup when I’m sad. Wait, don’t write that! No…dinosaurs… are… the greatest.”

Walensky also informed me that she has a giant dinosaur col-oring book that she got for Christ-mas. I approve. She said, “It was from Johnny MacDonald - he’s the greatest!”

When asked, MacDonald only had to say that he feels “strongly” about our scaly friends.

The overwhelming consensus is that dinosaurs are pretty chill. Adoption is cheap and spaying or neutering your dinosaur is a quick and easy process that can be performed in the comfort of your own home. If you are still on the fence, you are obviously the worst, and should invest in a $20 Tyrannosaurus Rex from the nearest Toys-R-Us. Yes, good.

JESSICA LAMOUREAUX

By MYLES CLENDENINAn Especially Odd Contributing Writer

This has been such a bizarre month for me! Recently, ten or 20 people have told me that I am the “Mayor of Saint Rose.” I just tell them that, “I am not the Mayor of Saint Rose. I am only a very ac-tive student who cares about the other students!” After thinking about this idea of being a mayor, I wonder: What if there was a po-sition like this on campus? Hon-estly, I think it would be one the fanciest, yet craziest jobs ever. I would place so many new laws that my Saint Rose “Citizens” would need to follow:

1. 5:00 p.m. Dance Time – Every day!!

Students of the College would have to stop what they are doing at this time (and that means any-thing) to start randomly dancing on campus. Students will have to show their best moves on the campus dance floor. When ten minutes are up, they can go back to their scheduled day.

2. Chicken Patty Day is every day!!

Why can I only eat a Chicken Patty Sandwich once a week (sometimes two weeks)? Why can’t Chicken Patties be EVERY-DAY! As your mayor, I will make sure that every student gets free chicken patties every day! Yum!

3. College Recess!!Do you ever wonder why there

is no recess for college students? It is because we are too “old” and we do not have the “time”. There will be a 1:00 p.m. recess everyday that is mandatory for all students to attend. Students will have the opportunity to play their old recess games like jump rope, kick ball, and basketball.

4. Nicole Dama Day!!To celebrate the success that

Saint Rose senior Nicole Dama has done during her time at school, we will have a yearly pa-rade for her success (just like the New York City Thanksgiving Pa-rade). We will have the parade on campus and go around the quad about twelve times. There will be

various blimps and floats of Ni-cole Dama and her success! Did I also mention that there will be a 200-person marching band per-forming?

5. Good Bye Brubacher!! Let’s be honest people. NO

ONE LIKES BRUBACHER.. It is way too far away. I plan to completely knock the whole building down and make a Casino and Amusement Park. It will be a great investment for the students so they can have their own fun. I think I will call it, “Bru’s Amuse-ment and Casino”. Wouldn’t that be awesome?

So, CLEARLY I have great ideas for the students. I would be a great Mayor of Saint Rose. I know the students would have my fullest backup if I was elected to this new position. If you would like to vote for me, I promise that I will work my hardest to be there for the people!

Mayor of Saint Rose: Sounds Like a Nifty JobHow Things Should Be on the Saint Rose Campus

This little guy is looking for a new owner.

Dear Monocle,

There was somebody who wrote in last week about contraception, or maybe it was fracking, or maybe he was complaining about really cruddy wireless internet in their dorm? Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I disagree. A lot.

Peace,Jonathon Stanley, 21, Fontbonne Hall

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,

I would like to tell you that the title of your publication is misleading. The Monocle implies that it can be read without the aid of glasses. When I tried to read the content of your otherwise fine publication, I mis-placed my glasses. But I said to myself, “Have no fear! It’s The Monocle! No one needs glasses to read it!” I was sadly mistaken and missed reading some of my favorite columns because of your deceptive business practices. It drove me nuts! I’ll never read your paper again.

Sincerely,Mr. Peanut

Publication Appellation Misleading

Response to Recent Complaint

April 1, 2012 Volume 80 Issue 28 The Monocle D11Sports

By JOSHUA NATOLIStaff Writer

The Golden Knights have de-cided to take their athletic talents from NCAA Division II competi-tion to the next level by moving up to NCAA Division I. All Saint Rose athletic teams will make the jump after this academic se-mester. The Golden Knights will compete in the Big East Confer-ence alongside Syracuse, UConn, and Louisville.

Moving up into the Division Iscene will pose a new challenge for all of the Golden Knights teams. The women’s soccer team, still riding high after their na-tional championship win, will be faced with even better teams in their quest to win a title in two different divisions levels.

The men’s basketball team will also be thrust into a very new

situation. If the team is successful next season, they will be granted a bid into the NCAA Men’s Bas-ketball Tournament, the most spectacular time in sports. Seeing the Golden Knights on a tourna-ment bracket would be an excit-ing sight to behold.

The men’s lacrosse team seems to face the biggest challenge out of all the squads. In the midst of their inaugural season, men’s lacrosse will face a huge task of making a transition after barely being acquainted with the Divi-sion II scene. Next year they will have to face the likes of Syracuse, a consistent powerhouse team ev-ery season.

Along with the transition to Division I comes a new addition to the Golden Knights athletic family. Saint Rose men’s football will be introduced as a new sport available at the college. Recruit-

ing has already begun for a team to form within the next two years. Many changes are expected to oc-cur with the addition.

The Christian Plumeri Sports Complex is going to be graced with a football stadium capable of seating over 30,000 people. The big expectations for the new football squad have even reached the dining services. A very large renovation to make the dining hall larger is scheduled to be un-derway this summer. The renova-tion is said to be made to accom-modate the new football players and their appetites.

The addition of a football team and new found popularity, the school will expect an increase in enrollment rates. This can lead to good and bad situations for the college. On the plus side, the school gains the notoriety it de-serves. With more students comes more diversity in the academic body.

The downside of this whole di-vision change is that Saint Rose does not yet have the facilities to manage this great transition. The college will need to hire a lot more staff on all spectrums. Coaches have to be hired, more teachers, janitors, dining workers, just to name a few. New dorms will have to be built, especially for freshmen.

Without new dorms, the Bru-bacher overflow process would be catastrophic for those unable to receive housing. The basket-ball court would also have to be renovated. An increase in seating would be in order, and sections to accommodate media crews would be necessary.

The rate at which Saint Rose is growing is mind-blowing. With the construction of a new dorm and business school already un-derway, Saint Rose has proven that it is more than capable of handling changes. These new changes in the sports department do raise the question: has the Col-lege of Saint Rose bitten off more than they can chew?

Saint Rose will be facing Syracuse at the Division I level. JUSTIN COLTON

By JACKSON WANGSports Editor

At the beginning of the fall se-mester of 2012, Saint Rose will be known as the Silver Knights instead of the Golden Knights. This decision came after mul-tiple complaints were filed for the mascot being a sil-ver knight.

A Saint Rose committee de-bated for over 72 hours on whether Saint Rose would re-main the Golden Knights or be-come the Silver Knights. Both sides presented strong cases to prove their points.

“I really be-lieve the Golden Knights should be-come the Silver Knights if the mascot is going to be a silver knight,” said Jane Smith, vice president of mascot affairs. “It just seems to make more sense to me personally.”

The jury debated for over six hours before making a decision.

“After a long discussion, we the jury believed it would be a wise choice to officially have the new nickname of Saint Rose be the Silver Knights,” said the jury.

Not everyone was happy with this decision.

“I believe Saint Rose should remain as the Golden Knights,” said senior Michael Doe. “Saint Rose has always been known as the Golden Knights and chang-ing it to the Silver Knights just doesn’t make sense to me.”

For years now, the Golden Knights’ mascot was a silver knight. Now the silver knight will match the nickname. The Saint

Rose Silver Knights will prob-ably take some getting used to for student-athletes.

The tuition for the College of Saint Rose will increase once again next year to replace all the current Golden Knights logo to the new Silver Knights logo.

With the nickname change, all sports teams will need new uniforms

with the now “Silver Knights” on it instead of the old “Golden Knights.”

Some athletes are excited for the change.

“I’m excited for the change to the Silver Knights because we finally get new uniforms,” said junior Tyler Brown. “We can

finally look good again.”

All logos throughout campus, sports facilities, and signs will have to be changed now. So don’t be surprised if the tuition con-tinues to increase throughout the next few years.

Also, don’t be surprised if the Silver Knights get changed back to the Golden Knights. Riots have broken out on Hudson Ave. over the change. Students are flipping trucks, breaking windows in cars, and throwing televisions off of porches.

The riots have brought back memories of “Kegs and Eggs 2011,” which were caused by UAlbany students. This time, Saint Rose students will be held accountable for this incident.

“I really hope students can ac-cept the new change,” said Smith. “I think we just look so much bet-ter as a college.”

Saint Rose to Change Nickname to

Silver Knights

“I really believe the Golden Knights

should become the Sliver Knights

if the mascot is going to be a silver

knight.”Jane Smith

Saint Rose Athletics to Move to Division I

Volume 80 Issue 28The Monocle April 1, 2012SportsD12

By JACKSON WANGSports Editor

In the fall of 2012, the Saint Rose athletic department will be welcoming a new sport to their fraternity, quidditch. Quidditch will be the seventeenth Golden Knights team joining the institu-tion.

Recruiting has already begun to fi eld a team of sixteen play-ers. Former assis-tant coach John Smith from Green Mountain College has decided to take the head coach po-sition here at Saint Rose.

“I’m very ex-cited to be the fi rst head coach of the quidditch team here at Saint Rose,” said Smith. “It’s a once in a lifetime opportu-nity to coach quidditch and to be able to bring in the players you need to build a championship team.”

Ten student athletes have al-ready signed their letter of com-mitment to the College of Saint Rose. One of those players hap-pened to be high school All-

American chaser Nick Doe. “It’s an honor to be a Golden

Knight next year and to be one of the fi rst players to ever play on this team,” said Doe. “I can’t wait to come here and start partying, I mean playing quidditch.”

The Golden Knights quidditch team will be competing in the In-ternational Quidditch Association this fall. Some of the teams Saint Rose will be facing this fall in-

clude Boston Uni-versity, Emerson College, Harvard University, Uni-versity of Massa-chusetts, and Syra-cuse University.

“We will be facing some great competition this fall,” said Smith. “I think it’ll be great for these young guns to see what the intercollegiate level is all about.”

Doe is certainly excited to get out on the fi eld and get the quid-ditch season underway.

“As long as the keepers block attempts and seekers get me the snitch, we’ll be okay,” said Doe. “I’ll put this team on my back and carry it all the way to the champi-onship game. I won’t mind it, as

long as I can still party after win-ning the championship.”

The Saint Rose athletic de-partment has gotten all the tools needed to win the championship this fall. Saint Rose brought top of the line quaffl e, bludgers, and, of course, the golden snitch.

Saint Rose will also provide its athletes with great broomsticks such as the Nimbus 2000 and Nimbus 2001.

“The Nimbus 2001’s got noth-ing on my fi rebolt broomstick,” said Doe. “With my swag and my abilities to attack the goal, I already see my name up in the Golden Knights Hall of Fame.”

The Golden Knights will need as much help as possible this fall if they want to take down quid-ditch powerhouse Middlebury College, who are the World Cup champions the last fi ve years.

“I have a lot of respect for the coaches and players over at Mid-dlebury,” said Smith. “They have a fantastic program and one day, we’ll hopefully get to that level.”

Currently, there are 100 col-lege and high school teams from 22 states and four nations in the

Saint Rose Welcomes Quidditch to Athletic DepartmentQuidditch will be the seventeenth sports team sponsored by Saint Rose

International Quidditch Associa-tion World Cup with over 2,000 broom-riding athletes.

The Golden Knights will host their inaugural home game on September 2 at 7:00 p.m. against Harvard University at the Plumeri Sports Complex to kick off their inaugural season. If the Golden Knights have a successful sea-

son and reach the World Cup, the tournament will be held at Ran-dall’s Island in New York City this fall.

“All this team needs is Nick Doe. Once you got me, you’re all set baby,” said Doe. “We are about to be the champions and I’m about to be the MVP.”A standard tournament snitch--note the silvered wings, and low-relief

detail.

“I’m very excited to be the fi rst head coach of the quidditch

team here at Saint Rose”John Smith Arts editor Chris Surprenant will be a walk-on for the quidditch team. JACKSON WANG

The logo for the International Quidditch As-sociation’s World Cup.