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Website: www.compassionatefriends.org Page 1
Toll Free Phone: 877-969-0010 Email: [email protected]
Copyright ©The Compassionate Friends, Inc. All rights reserved. TCF National Office: PO Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696
Upcoming Meetings
05/29 – Meeting (Memorial Day)
06/26 – Meeting
07/31 – Meeting
New Ulm Area Chapter meets the last Mon-
day of each month except December. (2nd
Sunday of Dec. with Candle Lighting.)
Where: Redeemer Lutheran Church, 700 S.
Broadway, New Ulm, MN
When: 7pm-9pm
The printing of this newsletter was kindly sponsored by Darlene and Clint Nelson in loving memory of their brothers, both Ronald.
THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
SOUTH CENTRAL MINNESOTA CHAPTER
Supporting Family After a Child Dies
Volume 36 Issue #2 New Ulm, MN May, June, July 2017
INSIDE THIS ISSUE
1 Upcoming Meetings/Mission Statement
2 Reflections
3-4 Love, Missed, Remembered Always
5 Stillbirth, Infant, & Miscarriage
6 Poems & Quotes
7 Article: A Mother’s Day Letter
8 Father’s Day Poem & blog article link
9 Article: “Answers to the Grief Question, ‘How Are You?’”
10 TCF National Conference & Chapter
Info.
11 Love Gifts
12 Contact Information
Mission Statement: When a child dies, at any age, the family suffers intense pain and may feel hopeless and isolated. The
Compassionate Friends provides highly personal comfort, HOPE, and support to every family experiencing the death of a
son, a daughter, a brother, a sister, or a grandchild and helps others to better assist the grieving family.
Darlene’s brother Ronald Clint’s brother Ronald
Page 2
Dear Compassionate Friends,
Spring has sprung and summer is fast ap-
proaching. How you wish your grief season
would end and the season of joy would
begin! Where is the growth and beauty in all
this mess, you wonder? Friends, it’s there.
Though you don’t see it, growth is happen-
ing. Those black skies will recede, and you
will be surprised when one day you notice
color again. You will smile softly as you
glance at your child’s photo and, in proud
amazement, realize you didn’t crumple into
tears in doing so. There will be a morning
when, inconceivably, you wake and your
child is not the first thing on your mind. None
of these things is betrayal. It is growth. It is
healing. It is strength.
Perhaps, like me, after your child died you
thought, “I don’t want to be stronger. I was
fine just the way I was, thank you very
much!” But here you are. You’re still alive.
You’re surviving. And you are stronger. Your
empty heart has, like winter, given way to a
new season.
Healing happens so slowly in this grief jour-
ney that we don’t often recognize it. Be-
cause, you see, healing isn’t really an option,
is it? A wound must heal. For what is the al-
ternative? To remain bitter? To stay infected
with anger, our grief resembling gangrene?
Our children would not want that. We honor
our child’s memory when we reconnect with
life and share their memory and our love for
them with others.
Spring will soon turn to summer, and our
grief, too, will slowly give way to new growth,
to healing, and to reminiscing of our beloved
children with tears and smiles. As summer
approaches, may the memories of our child
warm our hearts and fill our days.
The Thing Is
by Ellen Bass
to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.
Blessings,
Angie, New Ulm Area CF Newsletter Editor
Mom to Matt, age 16 (5/2-7/29)
REFLECTIONS
Page 3
Loved, Missed, Remembered...Always
Christina 16 08/22~05/30 Doug & Joan Freyholtz Fairfax
Paul 46 04/21~05/02 Bryan & Claudia Klages Good Thunder
David 49 02/01~05/20 Marilyn Noren Mankato
David 21 06/12~05/04 Don & Maureen Sandmeyer Mankato
Tim 32 05/05~05/31 Joe & Chris Steffl Mankato
Susie 20 11/02~05/23 Charles & Rose Kunz New Ulm
Amber 16 05/31~05/09 Cliff & Linda Vaske Nicollet
Piper Jo Stillborn 5/24 Mike & Kim Woodford North Mankato
Shelby 6 08/29~05/26 Jared & Becky Juliar North Mankato
Jared 19 04/09~05/31 Scott & Linda Peterson Sleepy Eye
MAY
Kaylie Hogue 24 07/16~06/05 Jeff & Shelly Hogue New Ulm
Scott & Deb Hadley Sleepy Eye
Liam Kelly 22 02/17~06/30 Wayne & Wendy Kube Arlington
Sean & Becky Kelly New Ulm
Christian 30 04/03~06/16 Ted & Connie Domeier Fairfax
Ricky 17 02/02~06/02 Rick & Kim Holmquist Gibbon
Chris 42 12/22~06/20 Curt & Karen Bosacker Le Center
Emilio Jr. 20 05/11~06/06 Emilio Sr. & Mirna Campo Madelia
Ben 29 08/08~06/25 Duane & Luanne Boomgarden Madelia
Mason Minutes 06/21~06/21 Jamie & Jodi Meister Mankato
Hannah 4 12/11~06/17 Justin & Jenny Kozitza Mankato
Anneka (Nikki) 39 06/16~06/26 Lon & Jacqueline Nagel Mankato
Kendra 13 05/01~06/26 Tim & Brenda Leibfried Mankato
Ethan 2 08/22~06/13 Dean & Kathy Alfred New Ulm
"Jake" 14 03/30~06/02 Mike & Joan Forstner New Ulm
Lauren Nicole Stillborn 06/13~06/13 Blake & Patti Schaper New Ulm
Eric 24 01/29~06/28 Jeanmarie Seibel North Mankato
Barry 21 10/11~06/14 Rich & Karen Johnson North Mankato
Jonathan 25 11/01~06/11 John & Barb Ladd Sleepy Eye
Mike 42 05/28~06/15 Renate Tesrow Sleepy Eye
Gary 16 08/24~06/28 Patti Lacrone-Telford Springfield
Joshua 21 02/27~06/21 Scott & Crystal Dahmes Springfield
Jacquelyn 48 02/01~06/24 Vickie Johnson
JUNE
Page 4
Loved, Missed, Remembered...Always
Trey Hunstad 21 03/17~07/09 Kathi (Charles) Travaille Good Thunder
Daron (Susan) Hunstad St. James
Quentin 15 04/30~07/03 Mark & Jackie Lieske Henderson
Paul Beneke 40 11/27~07/25 Eunice Rucks Henderson
Teresa Block 52 01/08~07/12 Linda Stevenson (sibling) Madelia
Robert 30 04/16~07/08 Sandra Davis Madison Lake
Matt 16 05/02~07/29 Tim & Angie Cherney Mankato
Erica 21 11/06~07/02 Gerald & Julia Rieger New Ulm
Walter, Jr. 31 06/22~07/05 Alice Rewitzer New Ulm
Andrea 28 02/18~07/21 Bruce & Carla Butcher North Mankato
Ashley 19 02/17~07/13 Robin & Bernadette Schendel North Mankato
Wyatt 6 06/20~07/02 Cheryl Deming Morgan
Wade Deming Sleepy Eye
Scott 19 01/28~07/20 Doug Murch St. James
Nickolas 9 03/31~07/30 Joe & Sharon Wersal Winthrop
Rob 18 02/23~07/21 Rhonda Stenzel Winthrop
Thank you to United Way of the Brown
County Area for continued financial
support for our local chapter's use.
If there are any errors on the “Loved, Missed, Remembered Always” page, please let me know! Errors are certainly not
intentional and can be corrected. Please contact me to correct any mistakes or preferences for listing your child. I sincerely
apologize for any errors.—Angie, newsletter editor
BIRTHDAY TABLE
Birthdays are given special recognition at our monthly meetings. During your child’s birthday month, you
are invited to bring photos and other memorabilia to share with the group and display on our Birthday
Table. Some like to bring a favorite snack or treat (even birthday cake) to observe their child’s birthday.
JULY
New Ulm CF website: http://tcf-sc-mn.org/
The Compassionate Friends of South Central MN Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/compassionatefriendsouthernmn/
Page 5
Stillbirth, Infant, and Miscarriage Loss
Do you have a favorite poem, article, or quote you’d like to see in the newsletter?
Please email Angie at: [email protected]
WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT THE EMPTY SWING
What can I do about the empty swing
Or the heartache I feel when others sing
The song she loved above all the rest
Or eat the custard pie she liked best
Or smell roses she planted one spring?
What do I do with the years to come
Which must now belong only to some
But not to her who I loved so much
Whose beauty I can no longer touch?
Whose goals and dreams are left undone?
How can I force all the world to see
Life’s fleetness and its fragility
That is the unique beauty of falling flake
Or the red shadows cast by day’s break
Happen but once in reality?
I can write songs for others to sing
About the miracles of each spring,
The soft surprise of a sudden rain,
Or rabbits playing along a lane.
But what do I do with that empty swing?
Marcia F. Alig, TCF Mercer Area Chapter
Posted on March 16th, 2017
(Poem taken from The Compassionate Friends e-newsletter,
March 2017 edition)
Hours
TURN INTO DAYS.
Days
TURN INTO YEARS.
The memory
of your precious child
NEVER DISAPPEARS.
-Jeannie Sousa
YOU NEVER ARRIVED IN MY
ARMS, BUT YOU WILL NEVER
LEAVE FROM MY HEART.
—Zoe Clark-Coates
Page 6
Poems & Quotes
Grief, I’ve learned, is really love. It’s all the love you
want to give but cannot give. The more you loved
someone, the more you grieve. All of that unspent love
gathers up in the corners of your eyes and in that part
of your chest that gets empty and hollow feeling. The
happiness of love turns to sadness when unspent.
Grief is just love with no place to go.
—-Jamie Anderson
http://allmylooseends.com/2014/03/lights-wink/
PENNIES FROM HEAVEN
I found a penny today
Just laying on the ground.
But it's not just a penny
This little coin I've found.
Found pennies come from heaven
that's what my Grandpa told me.
He said Angels tossed them down
Oh, how I loved that story!
He said when an Angel misses you
They toss a penny down,
sometimes just to cheer you up
To make a smile out of your frown.
So don't pass by that penny
When you're feeling blue.
It may be a penny from heaven
That an Angel's tossed to you.
Author: Copyright © 1998 C Mashburn
I don’t want someone to look at my life and
only see the devastation. Instead, I want them
to look at it all and see, wow, yes. It has
sucked. Wow, yes. The world has caved in a
time or two, but no matter what, there is
always hope. There is always love. There is
always kindness and goodness. And they never
stopped holding on.
Yes, my life is a little crumbly. But never
once do I want to say that I have done
anything but give all I have, live fully- -
without fear, love without restraint. It’s up to
me to frame the perspective that people will
see my life in. At first glance, it’s a life of
pain. I’ll show them it’s so much more.
SCRIBBLES & CRUMBS
Page 7
A Mother’s Day Letter to Grieving Moms—By Shelley Ramsey
Hey Grieving Mom,
You wish Mother’s Day didn’t exist, don’t you? You have buried a precious child, and your arms ache to hold him. Of all days, you especially want him with you on Mother’s Day. You want to celebrate that you carried, birthed, and nurtured him. You want to bask in who he has become, not recall who he was. You long to see him alive and whole and want to inhale the scent that was only his. I know. I get that. Forget the cards, flowers, and chocolate. The gift you long for is to have him walk through the door, throw his arms around you, and say as on-ly he could say, “Hi, Mom.”
I know your heart bleeds and your empty arms throb. I know that there is no greater sorrow in all the earth than that of losing a child. I understand why you might avoid public Mother’s Day celebrations, and instead visit the cemetery to see your child’s name written because no one speaks it anymore. And after lovingly planting a kiss on the cold stone that is his grave, you gingerly trace each letter of his sweet name with your finger, don’t you? Say his name brave-ly and boldly today, mom.
You are extraordinarily grateful that your surviving children breathe and wake up every morn-ing yet live in constant fear that they too will be taken too soon. And if you are with them, you hug them extra tight as you plead with God to keep them safe and healthy.
Sweet, brave mama, you are not going crazy. You are courageous. And you are going to be okay. You’ve survived the unimaginable and managed to crawl out of bed yet again today. You are spectacular. Never forget that you will always be his mom.
And you know what? It’s okay to skip church this Mother’s Day and to lunch at a restaurant out-of-town to avoid awkward greetings and conversations. Likewise, cry a little harder, hide out at home, or be as public as you want to be. This is your Mother’s Day. You do what you need.
Since your precious child is not here to tell you, please allow me: Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! You are wonderful! You are brave! You are beautiful! You are loved!
Article can be found in entirety here: http://www.shelleyramsey.com/a-mothers-day-letter-to-grieving-moms/
Mother’s Day
Page 8
Read the blog post: “Facing Mother's Day & Father's Day with a pit in your stomach”
by Tim Nelson at the link below:
http://fathersgrievinginfantloss.blogspot.com/2010/04/facing-mothers-day-fathers-day-with-pit.html
(Tim’s book “A Guide for Fathers—When A Baby Dies” is available on Amazon.)
Page 9
Answers to the Grief Question, “How are You?”
By Harriet Hodgson
In 2007 four family members died: my elder daughter, father-in-law, brother, and former son-
in-law. My daughter Helen was the mother of my twin grandchildren (one boy, one girl) and
died from the injuries she received in a car crash. The twins’ father died from the injuries he
received in another crash. His death made our grandkids orphans and my husband and me
guardians. Suddenly, we were GRGs, grandparents raising grandchildren.
The twins were 15 years old when they moved in with us. We couldn’t believe what had hap-
pened to us and the twins couldn’t either. “Hollywood would reject this story,” a friend com-
mented. “It’s unbelievable.” Grieving for four family members and raising grandkids was the
biggest challenge of my life. Thankfully, I knew that recovering from grief was up to me.
I began to dread the question, “How are you.” Grief is confusing and I didn’t know how I was
feeling. Most of the people who asked the question expected me to say “fine.” But I wasn’t
fine and overcome with grief. In self-defense I came up with five answers to this question.
• I’m fine. This is the answer I used early in my grief journey. It was the answer people want-
ed to hear and I said it to avoid conversation.
• I’m okay. I liked this answer because it fit all people and situations. Besides, okay is a com-
mon American term.
• I’m getting along. I used this answer in the middle stage of grief. It implied progress and
seemed to satisfy people.
• I’m coping. Finding the courage to say this took me a year and a half. I only used the an-
swer with close friends.
• I’m good. Ten years have passed since my daughter died and I am good. Although I’m not
living the life I thought I’d be living, it’s a rewarding life.
Today, the twins are 25 years old and involved in their own lives. My granddaughter works for
The Salvation Army in St. Paul. She is also an independent photographer. My grandson is a
freshman at the Mayo Clinic School of Medicine. He will be the third physician in our immedi-
ate family. I’m so proud of them I could shout their praises from roof tops.
Grief can be a transforming emotion and it transformed me. When I get into bed at night, I
know that I made good things from grief. You can too. Start by testing the answers to “How
are you?” Give to others, even if you have little to give. Make quiet part of each day and listen
to your soul. Try to live mindfully. Remember, love never dies and is always with you. Hard
as it is to believe now, the day will come when you feel happy again. You deserve it!
Article is taken from The Grief Digest Magazine online: http://www.griefdigestmagazine.com/
magazine-articles/article/2017/03/27/answers-to-the-grief-question-how-are-you-
Page 10
The Compassionate Friends National Conference
The Compassionate Friends is
pleased to announce that Orlando,
Florida, will be the site of the 40th
TCF National Conference on July
28-30, 2017. “Rays of Sunshine,
Oceans of Hope” is the theme of
this year’s event. The 2017 Confer-
ence will be held at the Hilton Or-
lando Bonnet Creek. Details are on
the national website as well as on
the TCF/USA Facebook Page. Join
us for this heartwarming experi-
ence. Click here for online registration. Pre-registration will be
available until July 7, 2017. Please note: while on-site
conference registration will be available, the Friday
lunch and Saturday dinner is only available with pre-
registration. See the TCF national website for workshop
and other information.
South Central MN Chapter Information
Chapter Founder: Darlene Nelson, 507-439-6302 and
Barb Netzke
Chapter Leader: Judy Kastman, 507-359-2737
Chapter Co-leaders: Bernadette & Robin Schendel,
507-388-3126
Treasurer: Karen Johnson, 507-387-7129
Newsletter Editor: Angie Cherney, 507-386-7535
Steering Committee: Darlene Nelson, Judy Kastman,
Karen & Rich Johnson, Bernadette & Robin Schendel,
Angie Cherney, Arla Tande, LuAnn Boomgarden
TELEPHONE FRIENDS
When you need to talk, they are your listening ears…
ACCIDENTAL/SUDDEN DEATH: Karen & Rich, 507-
387-7129; Bernadette, 507-388-3126
ILLNESS: Arla & Jerry, 507-642-8420
ONLY CHILD: Phone friend needed!
INFANT LOSS: Phone friend needed!
CHILD WITH SPECIAL NEEDS: Phone friend needed!
SIBLING LOSS: Darlene, 507-439-6302; Arla & Jerry,
507-642-8420
YOUNG CHILD LOSS (Age 12 & under): Phone friend
needed!
SUICIDE: Judy, 507-359-2737
WE NEED YOUR HELP!
Our chapter is looking for help in different areas.
Please contact Angie ([email protected], 507-
386-7535) or Bernadette (507-388-3126) if you can
help with any of the following:
—- Be a telephone friend
(This requires one to be available at any time for be-
reaved parents who need to talk.)
—- Manage our chapter’s Facebook page
(This requires very little time. You would post applica-
ble grief memes, links, articles, chapter information,
etc., once a week.)
Page 11
The Compassionate Friends is a non-profit self-help organization. We have no dues or fees. We function with the
help of our “Love Gifts.” These are given in memory of a child by parents, siblings, grandparents, other relatives,
friends and caring individuals and organizations that wish to assist with the work of TCF. These gifts may be mon-
etary, books, CD’s, time and/or talents. We are blessed to have rent-free meeting space provided by Redeemer
Lutheran Church, New Ulm. United Way of Brown County Area covers our newsletter cost: paper, postage, label-
ing, printing and the Non-Profit mailing stamp, etc.
With warm thanks to Redeemer, Brown County Area United Way, and the following:
Kay and Don Grams ......................................... in memory of Margie Paulson
.......................................................................... in memory of Jerry Ahlness
Donna Ahlness ................................................. in memory of Jerry Ahlness
Karen & Rich Johnson ...................................... in memory of son Barry
Judy & Lee Kastman ..................................... .. in memory of daughter Laura
Darlene & Clint Nelson .................................. .. in memory of son Mike/brothers Ronald Tabatt & Ronald Nelson
....................................................................... .. in memory of TCF friend Jerry Ahlness & sons Warren & Steve
Willy Osgood .................................................... in memory of son, Gerard
Bernadette & Robin Schendel ....................... .. in memory of daughter Ashley
Peggy Sundell .................................................. in memory of daughter Ann
Arla & Gerald Tande ......................................... in memory of son Kurt, daughter Wendy, & friend Blake
Other expenses include tissues, ink cartridges, tape, labels, coffee, napkins, cards, new member packet items,
incidental postage above newsletters, snack goodies, candles, etc.
LOVE GIFTS
I really appreciate you,
Your helpful, giving ways,
And how your generous heart
Your unselfishness displays.
I thank you for your kindness,
I will not soon forget;
You’re one of the nicest people
I have ever met.
By Joanna Fuchs
THANK YOU TO OUR LOVE GIFT DONORS:
Website: www.compassionatefriends.org Page 12
Toll Free Phone: 877-969-0010 Email: [email protected]
Copyright ©The Compassionate Friends, Inc. All rights reserved. TCF National Office: PO Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696
The
Compassionate
Friends
Supporting Family After a Child Dies
What is Compassionate Friends?
We are a self help, not-for-profit organization for bereaved parents, siblings, and grandparents. We offer group support, friendship, and understanding. Our purpose is to promote and aid families in the positive resolution of their grief experienced with the death of a child, and to foster the physical and emotional health of these bereaved families.
Our Goals - – to offer support and understanding to any sorrowing parent/sibling/grandparent. – to listen with understanding – to provide a caring and sharing group. – to give cognitive information on the grieving process through meetings, library resources, and
newsletter information. – to provide acquaintance to other bereaved families whose sorrow has softened.
Regional Coordinator:
Cathy Seehuetter
7884 Irish Ave. South
Cottage Grove, MN 55016-2072
651-459-9341
More Information?
Local Leader:
Judy Kastman
1119 16th South St.
New Ulm, MN 56073
507-359-2737
Newsletter Editor:
Angie Cherney
116 Bittersweet Lane
Mankato, MN 56001
507-386-7535
Email:
Non-Profit Org. U.S. Postage
PAID Permit No. 25 New Ulm, MN
56073 South Central MN Chapter, New Ulm
1119 16th South St. New Ulm, MN 56073
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