-VSSV^

7+(�+8)),1*721�72$672FWREHU���������

$1'�7+(�:(,1(5�,6���

5HDG�3RVW��3HRSOH�:KLQLQJ��$�/RW�

5<(6HDUFK�7KH�+XIÀ�QJWRQ�7RDVW

0HDW�5\HUVRQ¶V�1HZ�3UHVLGHQW���&DQDGLDQ�2LO�5LJV�7KDW�5HPLQG�8V�2I�&KLOGKRRG

$&&25'Ζ1*�72�<285�020

.(55�+$//�7(03(5$785( 635276&$7�32/Ζ7Ζ&6

(GLWLRQ��6RIW�5\H 5HJLRQ��0\�KRXVH��

678'(17�520$1&( 'Ζ$5Ζ(6�2)�$�3($1872+��+(<�67(9(

6&$1'$/�� 7RURQWR¶V� 1HZ� 0D\RU�5HTXHVWLQJ�+,*+(67�2I�)LYHV

-XVWLQ�7UXGHDX�*HWV�µ7XUQHG�'RZQ¶�)RU�:+$7" ���>H`Z�;V�:O\[�;OL�-\JR�<W�

3HDQXW�PRP��FUHDWRU�RI�0RWKHU3HDQXW�FRP��FRQWULEXWRU�IRU�7KH�+XI¿�QJWRQ�7RDVW�5\H

*HW�<RXU�&KLOGUHQ�$ZD\�)URP�0\�1XWV

$V�D�PRWKHU�RI�IRXU�SHDQXWV��,�DP�YHU\�FRQFHUQHG�ZLWK�WKH�QXPEHU�RI�FKLOGUHQ�LQ�RXU�VFKRROV��,�ZRQ¶W�GR�DQ\WKLQJ�DERXW�LW��EXW�,¶OO�ZULWH�D�EORJ�SRVW�

6XSHU� KRW� DZHVRPH�PRPPD��ZLIH� RI� VRPH�JX\��7ZLOLJKW�VFKRODU���7HDP-DFRE

0\�'DXJKWHU�,V�6XFK�$�%LWFK��/2/�-.

%XW�DFWXDOO\��6KH� ORRNV� OLNH�PH��EXW� LV�\RXQJHU��VNLQQLHU�DQG�SUHWWLHU�� ,�PHDQ��ZK\� WKH�KHOO�GRHV�VKH�JHW�WR�ZHDU�WKRVH�FORWKHV"�ORO�LXQQR�ZKDWHYV

/\MM;VHZ[�*VYU�·�;OL�;\YK�4L[YPJ�·�;;*�7LYZWPYH[PVU�·�*HTW\Z�)YLHR\WZ�·�>LPYK�/H[Z�·�/\MM;VHZ[�,S�:HS]HKVY�· ;LHYZ�·�:^PZZ�*OHSL[�4LU\��·�:[\KLU[�<UPVU�(WWL[PaLYZ

%LNH 3O]

(**<�6Ζ'(%22%

%HWW\�1XWW\

5RQGD�%DUWKRORPHZ

5(3257��3UHVLGHQW� 6KHOGRQ� /HY\�1RW�/HDYLQJ��µ-XVW�'LFNLQ¶�$URXQG¶ %(/,(((((((((((((((((((9(

Wednesday, Oct. 29, 20142

GERRARD ST E

CARLTON ST

DUNDAS ST E

BAY

ST

YON

GE

ST

CH

UR

CH

ST

DA

LHO

USI

E ST

MU

TUA

L ST

JARV

IS S

T

VIC

TOR

IA S

T

BO

ND

ST

SHUTER ST

QUEEN ST E

GOULD ST

OR

IA S

TO

RIA

ST

OR

IA

GOULD ST

Notice to Ryerson community regarding paving on Gould St.The University has been working with the City of Toronto to confi rm a date for the repaving of Gould Street. The repaving will signifi cantly improve the appearance of this important campus street.

Work may start any time after October 13th, however the City is only able to provide Ryerson with 48 hours notice before work will begin.

We will do our best to keep the community informed of when the work is set to begin through social media at Twitter.com/RyersonU, Facebook.com/RyersonU, the Ryerson.ca website, and digital screens around campus.

The project encompasses Victoria Street north from the parking Garage to Gould Street and Gould Street from O’Keefe Lane to Bond Street. It will proceed in two phases:

1. Grinding and scouring the streets for approximately 4 to 5 hours2. Approximately one week later, paving for 4 to 5 hours

We apologize for the inconvenience and noise this work will cause. E� orts are underway to advise departments with classes that may be a� ected by the work.

If you have any questions, please contact the Campus Facilities + Sustainability Help Desk at extension 5091 or 416-979-5091

Follow

Prince Edward Island Floats Off To Sea, Nobody Notices

‘I Just Remember Thinking, ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’’

Apple’s Siri Update Offers More Languages, Racism, Phone Sex

THE LOG Featuring fresh kale and real-time complainingfrom HuffToast’s signature lineup of strangers

Byline ManMan of God

Send hatemail

The World Of Newspapers Is Dead — And I Am Breakdancing On Its GravePosted: 10/29/2014 04:56 pm EDT Updated: Post-lunch

COMPLETEY UNRELATED:

Keith Capstick’s Selfi es 1 of 450,000

MOAR

‹ ›

TOAST: POPULAR?Gould Street Gains Consciousness, Flies To Moscow To Live With Edward Snowden

Shania Twain On Harper: ‘He Don’t Impress Me Much’

23 Pie Recipes That Remind Us Of War

D 5

It’s 2014 and the Internet has taken complete control of your life, your attention span and your self-confi dence. You’re not really sure what your real friends are doing these days, but accord-ing to their various virtually-constructed social identities, their days are fi lled with assignment frustration, half-informed opinions about the municipal election and above-average daily visits to Chipotle and Panera Bread.

Emoticons have assasinated the archaic tomes of elaborate prose and emotional descrip-tion that now overfi ll the rotting shelves of the Ryerson library.

But I’m here to tell you, Ryerson students, that this is the best thing that’s ever happened to us.

For the next 13 pages, I ask you to bask in the amalgamation of the beauty that is this new age’s icy grasp on our young and impersonal minds. Watch as the internet completely erodes the experience of holding physical paper. Watch as all emotion becomes an acronym and after-dinner conversation is limited to 140 characters or less. Paradise.

Paradise is a world where each and every one of us runs into a fi re hydrant walking down Yonge Street while on our iPhones. Children should not be discouraged from spending their days with their eyes glued to tiny LCD screens while clear liquid runs down their soft cheeks. Let us revel in the alienation and annihilation of silly senses like “touch” and “smell.” Let us lay alone in bed and watch the tabs on our web browsers multiply exponentially.

Luckily, Ryerson has already led us down this enlightened path. I remember receiving an in-class grade for a “tweeting” assignment last year and thinking back, I can’t help but feel that I’m optimally prepared for the future. It is clear to me that there is no better way to prepare yourself for the post-educational dive than to truly immerse yourself in a website that captivates the grace and eloquence of a carefully crafted “hashtag.” Shivers.

Let us be robot students; let us tweet, pin and post in all of the ways Big Brother once in-tended, as we vaporize all forms of paper and ink from this crumbling necropolis. Actually, fuck that, not Big Brother. Big Daddy, Big Daddy Zuckerburg. He is our saviour, the sentient being who will rid our sad lives of burgers with friends and whatever “physical fi tness” is. He’ll let us ride that little lowercase “f” all the way into artifi cial heaven, baby. Sell your soul, personal information and previous understanding of the word “dignity” to those captivating curls and dork-tastic smile, because he is our E-Lord.

Who’s your daddy, Ryerson?

1

Destroy Hoard BLEED

Oh, man

THE HUFFINGTON TOASTOctober 29, 2014

PUMPERNICKELSearch The Huffi ngton Toast

GOULD STREET SKIDMARKS CHINESE FOODANTEATERS

Edition: The Good Stuff Region: Sean’s house

STUDENT BROMANCE MORGAN FREEMANOY, STEVEHuffToast Edamame · Loath Me · SCC Perspiration · Caveman Selfi es · Lil’ Jon Philosophy · HuffToast Marxism · A Bug’s Life · Magic: The Gathering · Argyle

Bike Plz

BIG BEAR BRAS

PINSHIT

3?

Sheeper A place where you can rebuild your crumbling sense of self-worth. Sheeper.

#ElectionElusive Fox@OkeefeChief

I voted for John Tory in the #election. I also voted for Ol-ivia Chow, Doug Ford, grand-ma Helen and, of course, Satan. With my mind.

Resheeps Nicorettes1 54

Gary Numan@HereInMyCar

Just voted in the Toronto #election. At first I was a little, what’s the word, anx-ious in my pants, but then I hopped in a car and felt safe.

Resheeps NicorettesCars 2

Literally A Dog@ActuallyADog

It’s quite possible that Olivia Chow, Doug Ford and John Tory win this #election to-gether. Why not start a three-mayor system? I’m a dog and none of this is real.

Resheeps Nicorettes6 12

Ryersonian@TheRyersonian

Do you wear clothes? Do you go to Ryerson? Can you put together a sentence about what you’re wearing? Talk to us. #election #Streetstyle

Resheeps Nicorettes1000 0

Scorned Burrito@Burritobutt

It seems that burritos aren’t being represented fairly in this #election. I would do something about it, but alas, I am a burrito. Suck my butt.

Resheeps Nicorettes3 2.46

Costumes Startingat just $15

TORONTO • 239 Yonge St • 532 Church StStagShop.com

ScuzzFeeDNEWS SCUZZ LIFE LOL win omg cute fail

Avocados Wife Freudian Chips Tax Returns Sup Steve

john tory breaks the societal norm

Old white man gains power, plays air piano That sewer on the street

has a secret

Dan the plumberScuzzFeed Staff, Plumber

Top 9.75 lists of the world’s best top 10 listsAnd nine bonus lists.

Quiz: Should you base all your im-portant life decisions on quizzes?Hint: the answer may surprise you.

Fast food makes you healthierAnd nine other things that are not true

Videos that don’t play (this is a newspaper)

1:22 1:22 1:22

7 signs you’re not as think as you drunk I am

Hello Kitty unveiled: actually a koala

20 reasons “fetch” will never happen

ScuzzFeeDNEWS

BREAKING: Skullcandy headphones taste good. You should eat yours now

This is how leather stopped being made from human skin

Vegetables that don’t look like famous U.S. presidents

24 days of Christmas and why you shouldn’t fl y a helicopter into Bethlehem

What you don’t know about teas-ing that kid with a scar on his headIt will leave a scar on your heart.

Googly eyes

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

Sharon Dicks A few moments ago 50 comments

Ophelia Cumen A few moments ago 137 comments

Mona Little A few moments ago 82 comments

Happy man 24 minutes ago 50 comments

ScuzzFeeD BECAUSE WE CARE LOL win omg cute fail

Variations On Crackers Steve?

I am a Scuzzfeed list writer and I am having a crisis of con-science.

I woke up this morning, and everything was normal. I was just going to get up, go to work and write some more fucking lists. But then I realized I need-ed groceries and everything changed.

See, back in my early days, when I was young and naive, I would make lists like a normal person. I’d list everything, in fact, I would make to-do lists, packing lists, grocery lists and more. But today I started trying to write it down (“Cel-ery, bananas, self-respect...”) and I dropped my pen.

I realized something in that single instant of listing and loathing. I can’t do this any-more. I just can’t.

The truth is, I’ve been sitting in a corner of my bedroom, star-ing at that pen, rocking back and forth for hours. I don’t know what to think anymore.

Everything my life is built on is being questioned. Do I re-ally love my wife? Was that mer-cedes really worth $120,000? Why am I paid so well for writing lists? What is a list? What am I?

I tried writing out my prob-lems as a list, then I drank a bot-tle of whiskey.

The whiskey helped.

Help.

Posthumous Selfi es

Save the Date!

SCC115, Student Centre

RSU holds two meetings each year where all members are eligible to vote on important student issues, and help set the direction of the students' union.

If you are a full time undergraduate students or a full or part time graduate student, come to the Semi Annual General meeting, share your views, and hear about the work of your students union.

Submit motions for consideration by Monday, November 3 @ 5pmEmail ed.communications@rsuonline.ca

RSU Semi-Annual General Meeting: Motions DueHave an idea or an issue you would like discussed?

RSU SEMI-ANNUAL GENERAL MEETINGWEDNESDAY, NOV 12 - 5pm

Please note that the deadline for motions related to bylaw changes has passed

This sewer has a secret, and what emerged will shock youA comprehensive Scuzzfeed investigation

posted on Oct. 25, 2014 at 3:52 p.m.

Dan the plumberScuzzFeed Staff, Plumber

These days, it can be hard not to fall into a sinkhole of existen-tial dread with no hope of ever returning to a functional reality. We’ve compiled this list so you can fi nally confi rm if you’re a sentient being.

1. You think, therefore you are. That’s it. You are. Microsoft Word says that’s not a sentence fragment. As far as Bill Gates is concerned, you exist. And his privileged opinion is the only one that matters! 2. Running your ravenous fi ngers through your dog’s fur is like heaven on earth. How could you feel so many feels if you didn’t exist? 3. You have free will. You can rise from your sedentary state and prepare yourself some frozen taquitos, if you so choose. You’ve been doing this for years. You ate so many frozen ta-quitos as a youth that your blood composition is 46 per cent frozen taquito. And you made that damn choice. 4. You see stuff happening. All around you, things are happen-ing. Everything happens so much. 5. Nature — do you really think your weak, lacklustre subcon-scious could manufacture the splendour of a mountain range or the grace of a painted turtle? Your MFA is irrelevant. You’re not that creative. 6. You have watched the entire Cosmos series, so you un-derstand the science behind abstract concepts. Whether you were baked or not, you likely had several epiphanies and fi nally understood how insignifi cant you are and that dinosaurs are a conspiracy theory. 7. You’re well read on Nietzsche’s philosophical ideology and can hold an intellectual argument with a craft beer in your left hand and the waxed tip of your mustache in your right. 8. You’re reading this article. Do you think a mad scientist who has fabricated your entire reality would create watertight jour-nalism doubting the very purpose of the experiment? 9. Capitalism! If capitalism exists, you exist and are a member of the species of who established it (thanks!). Because why would a single entity knowingly create that shit? No scientist is that evil. 10. You spend your time reading list articles and consuming various social media to curb your waning interest in everything around you and stimulate your rapidly melting brain. Three cheers for your delightful existence! 11. Flip a coin. Heads, you don’t exist. Tails, you still don’t ex-ist but you’re OK with the ambiguity/shoddiness of reality. If the coin gets sucked into a black hole, you exist. Cowabunga.

It began when Toronto offi cials investigated a case they called “dangerous and potentially damaging to the space-time continuum.”

Reports came in last week of a closure on Victoria Street due to reports of glittered confetti rising from the sewers. Shocked witnesses who saw the sparkling personifi cation of the end times described them as “magical and mesmerizing.”

That weekend, a Ryerson student who was defi nitely not holding an open beer in the middle of the road informed campus security that there was music coming from the sewers. Security sent him home and would not confi rm allegations that they fi nished his beer.

Another student, who was openly stoned, noticed a white rabbit running around campus. Being really, really high, he knew that he should follow the rabbit. He later told police that the rabbit kept repeating, “I’m late for an important date.”

It is still unclear whether the rabbit actually existed, but in a far-reaching investigation by Scuzzfeed that retraced that stoned student’s steps, one thing is clear. There is a network of underground tunnels in the sewers of Toronto, connected to an abandoned portion of the PATH. Chief City Planner Jennifer Keesmaat confi rmed the region had originally been called Wonderland. The only active building in the area was a branch of Target, apparently positioned in what the American department store’s executives felt was a bustling downtown street in Canada.

Deeper research determined that Lewis Carol was actually a chain-smoking, beer-chugging Torontonian who based his classic novel on the creatures in Toronto’s underground. Genea-logical records disagree on how much LSD was consumed in the creation of the novel.

The truly horrifying element of the case came several days after the tunnel was discovered, when police canvassing Wonderland found a little blue dress crumpeld in a pile under a de-crepit, gum-covered bench. A name tag on the dress read, “Alice.”

Offi cials belive the dress belongs to the victim of an abduction in 1865 and that Carol’s novel is actually the true story of one of the nation’s oldest cold cases.

It is unclear whether the writer of this story did about as much LSD as Carol himself, which some critics have suggested undermines Scuzzfeed’s peerless reporting.

We have decided to settle this the only way we know how. With a list.1. This is a cooler story than the original story so suck it, haters.2. No one has actually read Alice in Wonderland anyways, just seen the fucking Tim Burton

movie.3. Suck it, haters.

11 ways to tell if you actually existYou think therefore you are?posted on Oct. 16, 2014 at 9:52 p.m.

Emma CosgroveScuzzFeed Staff

ScuzzFeeD A PLAGUE UPON US LOL win omg cute fail

Business Scientology, But For Toads Is Steve Here?

?

Oh, the Things in My ButtLICE’s defi nitive guide to everything you can do with an ass, from smacking to packing

FEATUREDEDITORS’ DICKS

FEATUREDTRIPPIN’ BALLS

TRIPPIN’ BALLS

LICE BLOG

LICE PHOTO

EATING?

Seriously Guys, We Do Drugs All The Time, Our Parents Never Get Mad

Hell is a Paradise

Finding God in the Bottom of a Basket of Lattice Fries

LICE TODAYMeet the Toronto Artist Who’s Painting With Ebola to Fight ISISIn a world of Orwellian governments, neverending tumult and ever-present fear, one artist is taking matters into her own hands and fi ghting fi re with Ebola.Oct 29 2014 | I Wish I Could Be Hunter S. Thompson | NotSports

I Fucked a Toaster So I Can Relate More With Slices of BreadEvery day I eat toast I wonder “what is the traumatic experience of toasting really like?” The only answer was to strip down, lube up and push in. I’ll never look at my kitchen the same again.Oct 29 2014 | Writer formerly known as Dickbutt | AlmostPorn

Why Cats Are the New Hats and Hats Are the New CondomsFashion is like primordial ooze. It freaking evolves and makes weird shit. This week in trendy New York town a bunch of hipsters started putting pussies on their heads and toques on their cocks.

Oct 29 2014 | Phillium H. Whitey | Eating?

We Shoved a Molotov Cocktail Up Our Ass While Railing Crystal MethSometimes our writers get confused about how many drug and riot stories they should pitch, so shit like this happens every couple of weeks. It was actually much more enlightening than you would think.

Oct 29 2014 | Terrence Technophobe | News(ish)

DOS & DON’TS

DO DON’T

DO DON’T

DO DON’T

How I Wrote A Country Song Without Fucking My Cousin

RACHEL WHERE IS SHE NEWS(ISH) ALMOSTPORN DAMMITSTEVE NOTSPORTS EATING? CROISSANTS

Canada

BLEETPSYCH WARD BAAH

69 420ish A lot A Cool Billion

M0RGUES ABSTRACT ANTFARMS BATH SALTS CUFFED JEANS G-SPOT VALIDATE MY OPINION

You Know What? You Write Your Own Story You Judgemental BastardBy JackJakSienna Newsington | Oct 29. 2014

When I first heard about people injecting (caustic fluid) into their (body part), I honestly thought it would be about as enjoyable as trying to sell (pork product) to an ISIS leader. But since the (Gov’t Bureau) is already breathing down my neck I thought, “(Hip slang for “fuckit”), might as well give the bastards something to look at and try it anyway.”

Obtaining (caustic fluid) wasn’t exactly easy; it involved getting into a (vehicle), performing a (quick sex act) on a (ethnicity and fringe subculture) and then (verb ending in “-ing”) my way through a (structure) constructed solely of (soft material). But enough of my hardship, let’s get to the fun part.

We grabbed the nearest intern and ... what’s that? You thought I was gonna do it? Yeah right, what do you think we have all these (adjective) (vaguely derogatory noun, plural) for? Anyway, we gave the (swear word) a couple of doses of (caustic fluid) and sent the (synonym for scumbag) out to buy cigarettes. (amount of time) later we found the (swear word) in a (basically anything) with (anything disgusting) pouring from their (orifice).

After our intern finished seizing I went home, wrote this and called it journalism (bullshit validation for shitty article idea).

Day after day across this ignorant country people make breakfast. Cereal, some milk, maybe some fruit and, of course, toast. The night before, milk is milk and fruit is fruit, but toast is bread.

I first realized this revolutionary revelation while watching looped reels of old riot footage and dream-ing up my Lice pitches. Through a process of thermo-dynamic toastification bread is transmogrified. But, I asked myself, does the bread WANT to change? Am I forcing my bread to identify as something that it may not be comfortable with?

Certainly, the base identity of rye, whole wheat or even cinnamon raisin is left in tact after the toasting process, but the texture and temperature have been changed beyond recognition. To understand this terrifying and traumatic experience I knew I had to whip out my dick and fuck the living shit out of my toaster.

It makes perfect sense: By toasting my Johnson I will be able to understand the metamorphosis of my yeasty companion. For once, breakfast would make me.

“Shhhh, I know,” I whispered as I began to disrobe. “This is what’s best for both of us.”

I took out my breadstick and placed it in the second slot. In preparation for my transformation I threw my head back and said a prayer in my head. My finger pushed the button down to begin the process.

Sparks started flying immediately. Actual fucking sparks. Sparks of fucking. My bush caught on fire and I was reminded of Moses. Seizing on the floor, cock being electrocuted into singed oblivion, I had the moment of clarity I so desperately sought: This is the terror of being toasted.

To this day I eat my bread cold and soft, the same way that bastard toaster left my precious package.

I Got Hot and Toasty With My Toaster By Mangela Arie Tennessey | Oct 29. 2014

Meet the Fuckups Behind Gould Street’s Paint JobBy Ballison Belkin | Oct 29. 2014

LICE: So ... Who are you two exactly?

T3rry$: Well, I’m T3rry$, which is spelled with a $ not a goddamn &, alright? This is my partner Tar-Mac.Tar-Mac: What up LICE bitches?T3rry$: And together we’re the biggest road artist duo in the Dot.

You mean street artists?

Tar-Mac: NO MOTHERFUCKER! We’re road artistits so friggin’ ergo vis-à-vis we are redefining how society views road art. At first it was just dirt, right? Then there were those broken up lines brought in by the pioneers of road art.T3rry$: Those first guys, they were some real noble dudes. It was safety plus aesthetic, y’know? Art as law. Then there are people like us. Dudes and dudettes branching out and exploring the true question: “Dafuq is a road?”

Okay, so the road is your canvas?

T3rry$: Is your face your canvas? Fucking ignorant amatures. I can’t believe you asked that.

Sure. So back to the whole Gould Street deal. How did Ryerson hire you?

Tar-Mac: That’s a great story, yo. We were working on our last project titled “Roads For People,” where we would draw shit in chalk on those weird mini-roads you always see next to real roads. We noticed tons of people using the mini-road system so we thought we’d do some shit. Then one day we were chalkin’ and this Sheldon Levy dude tripped over us.T3rry$: Levbro was all, “I’m sorry dawgs,” and we were all, “S’all good mang, we ain’t haters,” and he was like, “Ryerson doesn’t like haters either, come paint a fuckin’ road, boys.” So of course we said yes.

So ... what went wrong? You’re the road artists, why does the road look like a post-apocalyptic Oz blew itself?

T3rry$: Of course you think that. You’re meant to think that because you’re an idiot and don’t know shit about real road art.Tar-Mac: T3rry is right, this is the art of life and death, creation and decay. We make a pristine road with nice yellows and blues but leave it open to the elements. It peels away layer by layer to reveal a more honest look at society. It’s art as order falling into chaos, the circle of life bro. We’re doing deep, meaningful work and not at all

Fuck.

Tar-Mac: Um, you would say that ‘cause you’re ign’ant.T3rry$: Honestly man we used a bunch of cheap-ass car paint so we could pocket some of the cash. I’m pretty sure road art isn’t a real thing. My real name is Barry.

HELP PLZ PENIS STUCK

Canada

p r preacherreportpreacher NHL YYZ BBALL BASEBATFULL SCOREBOARD >>

p/r NHL YYZ HAckey STEVE ATHLETES YOUR GIRLFRIEND TWEETS AT why are there so many leagues?

Show Ivan the money

HEADLINES• Eggy gets “knocked the fuck out”• Ryerson gets varsity ladder ball team• Ryerson chess team to get gym time• Rye to host paint drying tournament

THE POLICE LINEUP

1 Your favourite team still sucks

2 What the hell is this thing?

3 Balls are cooler than faces

4 Tom Brady: “Hey Lebron”

5 Lebron is trapped in this box

6 Don’t forget the CFL is a thing

top stories

Fat man plays in the NHL

Is the puck in deep enough?

Pan Am games cost $1 trillion

New mayor not a Leafs fan

TEAMCream

Derek Jeter admits “baseball kinda sucks”via snail mail

North Korea replaces Qatar for World Cupvia carrier pigeon

Meet the newest member of the Blue Jaysvia a real newspaper

Dion Phaneuf makes a shit tonne of moneyvia Canada Post

New tennis star born yesterdayvia the CBC

ABC

110 % of athletes suck at math

Quack, quack, quack, quack

Vegas to host next NHL strike

JKL

Is he out? We will never know

It’s nice to share with friends

Lorde new face of LA Kings

NHL YYZ BBALL BASEBAT

5 5 3 7Moose Jaw Piranha Mooses Yellowknife Cellofi ns

p r preacherreportpreacher MLB XYZ CFB SportsFULL SCOREBOARD >>

p/r Mhl FAStCARS Footypucks HoopBall Men Punching Men Sports without Jock straps BYE STEVE :(

BREAKING: Student athlete goes to class, classmates surprised

1.43M

2Reads

Comments

To the surprise of his classmates, a student athlete went to his politics lecture today. Students were shocked when they were graced with the presence of the athlete they had thought was “too cool for school.”

“To say I was caught off guard is an understatement,” said James Taylor, who teaches the Cana-da and US relations class the student attended. “He just walked right in, sat in the front and even

asked me a couple questions.”

The class of 80 students has been going on for seven weeks now and has already written a midterm. The fi nal 1,000-word essay is due in two weeks and the fi nal exam date has yet to be determined.

Davis Myers, who hasn’t missed a class in his six years at Ryerson, said he didn’t even know the school had a hockey team but that he was glad those athletes wanted a proper education.

“There is more to life than extracurricular activities,” Myers, 75, said. “He looked like a regular guy when I saw him, but today he was wearing a jersey. Pardon my french, but I thought to myself “Who the heck is this guy?”

The athlete, who refused to give his name because he “didn’t think it was a big deal,” said he had been going to class every week but just sat in the back and wore his hood up.

“I showed up one minute before class started this week and so the only seat open was in the front row,” the athlete said. “I did the readings and then some and also got a 95 on the midterm, so calm your shit.”

When asked why there is a stereotype that athletes don’t go to class, the athlete said, “wait, what stereotype?”

As the class ended, the athlete pulled up his hood and vanished into the crowd. Reports from various insiders said he had to go to practice.

Even with a hasty exit, he still left an impression on some.

“We made eye contact for two seconds and I almost died,” Shelby Martinez said. “He is like, the hottest guy on the team. I just wish I knew his name.”

By Fabian Cocks, ram expert Oct. 29, 2014

Shoot score

NEXT ARTICLE >>Don’t use your (arrow) keys to browse more stories

Maple Leafs to return to Maple Leaf Gardens

29

165KReads

Comments

The Toronto Maple Leafs have come up with a new solution to their dwindling atten-dance numbers. Instead of lowering the ticket prices to something people who don’t live in Yorkville can aff ord, the team will move back into its old home at 60 Carlton St.

The former Maple Leaf Gardens, now called the Mattamy Ath-letic Centre, was renovated by Ryerson University to accommodate their sports teams. The ice rink can seat 2,500 people, which is all Tim Leiweke, Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment (MLSE) CEO, said he needs.

“There are only about 2,000 people within a three hour drive of Toronto who can aff ord Leafs tickets,” Leiweke said. “So this way, if all those people come and some bring a friend, it will look like we sold out.”

Early this year, the Leafs became the fi rst pro-sports team to have an average ticket cost of $1,500, breaking its own record of $1,499. The Leafs have also not won a Stanley Cup in 47 years, in case you forgot how sad the franchise is.

Leiweke said that MLSE was happy that Ryerson was willing to give up using the building, especially after $60 million was spent on renovations. The Loblaws, he added, was good for Phil Kessel, who enjoys deli meats “as much as the next guy.”

“You know, MLSE is bleeding money and we can’t really aff ord to build and run a smaller arena right now,” said Leiweke over the phone while he drove his Porsche through Bridle Path. “Luckily for us, Ryerson is a rich school from rising fees and they could aff ord to just shell out all that money on an arena.”

In exchange for letting them use their facilities, the Ryerson Rams hockey teams will now play at the Air Canada Centre (ACC). The school will not pay for the teams to travel there or to practice there. But they will off er $3 beer in shitty plastic cups and expect to sell out the 19,800-seat arena every game.

The Toronto Raptors will also stay in the ACC because tickets for them are still an aff ordable $300 a seat.

By Rob Toyota, food expert Oct. 29, 2014

5 4Little Rock Piranha Mooses Melbourne Cellofi ns

Think Apples Grow On Trees? Think Apples Grow On Trees? Yeah, Well, You’re RightYeah, Well, You’re Right

Hallelujah

You Won’t Believe What Happened Next, So Have Some Fucking FaithBy Buster Hymen

The Rock Changed My Life With The Rock Changed My Life With These Five-And-A-Half WordsThese Five-And-A-Half Words

Ballz

No One Thought She Could Fit 15 Tennis Balls There. Just WatchBy Matt Serbate

Zanzibar

Your Left Ear Will Fall Off When You Hear What This Stripper SaidBy Justin Herass

Arachibutyrophobia

Try Not To Hyperven-tilate When You See This Badass Sandwich

Kiss ‘n Tell

You’ll Be Shocked When You Find Out Who Sheldon Levy Has A Crush OnBy Max E. Pad

After Love

You Won’t Believe In Life After Love, After Love, After Love, After LoveBy Ron Chee

The Navel Diaries

You Won’t Believe The Truth About Taylor Swift’s BellybuttonBy Seymour Weinner

Maskottchen

Eggy Met the Hamburglar. You Won’t Believe What Happened NextBy Dick Gozinya

Things don’t matter. We’re all going to die.

Photo: David Shankbone

Photo: David Carroll

Crocodile Rock

She Thought Crocs Were A Sensible Shoe Choice. I Pushed Her Off A BridgeBy Hugh Janus

The daycare centre advertises constructive learning activities and daily snacks. What the daycare failed to mention is pickles. Dyll starts her mornings taste testing until the acidity gives her a stomach ache that not even the strongest dose of blood from a freshly sacrifi ced goat can cure. In the afternoon, the children gather for a dive in the ball pit, except instead of balls: pickels. Dyll must sort through a barrel of pickles removing those pickel-ruining stems. The fi nal portion of the day is spent tightening jars. Perhaps the most tragic part of this tale is that little Dyll is allergic to pickles. She tries to tell her parents of the misery that is her existence but her parents just think Dyll is asking for a motherfucking pickle. Her tears are the secret ingredients to that tasty salty zing we fi nd in each and every jar of pickles.

If You Don’t Fill A Swim-ming Pool With Tears While Watching This, You Have No Heart

Three Ways Being Am-bidextrous Helps Your Career, Unless You Only Have One Arm

Listen To The Last Thirty Seconds And Tell Me Lizards Can’t Be Racist

Do You Like Dill Pickles? This Eight-Year-Old Will Convince You Otherwise

You’ve Never Heard Of This Athlete, But What He Did To Get Arrested Will Make You Want To Do The Conga

Curated by Daryl B. Payne

What pickle eaters look for while trying to select the optimal pickle is the quint-essential balance between tang, crunch and minimal stem presence. But most consumers fail to consider where those pickles actually come from. Who tight-ens the jars? Who ensures that the juice-to-pickle ratio is just right? Meet Dyll Pickal, the eight-year-old girl who spends day after day inside the Pickle Dickle “daycare” centre — but what goes on behind those doors will shock you.

f Share on Facebook Share on Twitter

Uselessness Propaganda

Things don’t matter. We’re all going to die.

Upworthless is social media that is bullshitMindless and mundane. Boneheaded and barbaric. Vomitro-cious and vile. That’s what you can expect here: like opening a box of cookies, only to discover that someone ate all of them and returned the empty container to the cupboard. Just a steady stream of the most undesirable stuff you should feel terrible about clicking on. Read more.

did you fall for it?You silly goose! The Internet isn’t actually a thing! We just made you think it was by putting a bunch of fake “websites” on paper. You didn’t try clicking on stuff, did you? You did? Omggggg lol! We were JK!Rofl falafelanewworldorderisimminentoverthrowthegovernment. Nothing is real.

Ink Manufacturing Business

For Sale By Owners!!

Serious Inquiries Only!!

Please call 416-751-3489Ask for Violet

¡Español!You are from Spain

and grew up speaking Spanish.

You seek answers to reading, writing,

speaking and compre-hending English.

I am from England and grew up speaking English.

I seek answers to reading, writing, speak-ing and comprehending

Spanish.If you would like to

discuss mutual coaching in each others language,

email me as GreavesRodilla@

GMail.com.

Hear ye, hear ye, the eyeopener beckonsHoly rapid passage of time, Bat-man, Eyeopener elections will soon be upon us.

If you’re a current Ryerson student with an interest in pho-tography, journalism and design, this is for you.

The Eyeopener holds elections every semester for masthead positions. In the fall, a position opens up if the current editor is either leaving the paper — boo! — or running for another posi-tion. In the winter, elections are held for the following year, and every position is open.

So, since this is the fall — un-less you’re one of those time travellers — we’re looking for

candidates for the following po-sitions:

— 2 photo editors— Communities editor— 1 news editor— Arts & life editor— Media editor— Online editor— Fun editor— Features editor

Come to our offi ce at room 207 on the second fl oor of the Student Campus Centre. Grab a nomination form, fi ll it out and you’re good to go.

Next week, we’ll publish the list of eligible voters in this election.

ATHLETIC CENTRE

Puck Drops 11:00 am. vs. TorontoOCTOBER 31ST, 2014

Halloween Fun!

Take A Break To

Wednesday, Oct. 29, 201416