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Page 1
CHEESEMANS PHARMACY OF AMPTHILL Tel: 01525 402713
FREE PRESCRIPTION DELIVERY Can’t get to the chemist or surgery?
Don’t worry, we’ll pick up your prescription from your surgery and deliver your medication to your door.
Covering Ampthill, Clophill, Flitwick, Houghton Conquest, Maulden, Silsoe, Wilstead
& surrounding villages.
THE DROVERS ARMS INDIAN RESTAURANT Flitwick Road, Steppingley, Beds
MOTHERS DAY BOOKINGS NOW BEING TAKEN Tel: 01525 715697 www.droversarms.eu
THE WHITE HART HOTEL OF AMPTHILL Sunday 22nd March Bookings now being taken
for Mothers Day - 2 Course meal £8.95 Tel: 01525 406863
www.whitehartampthill.co.uk
PURE BAR AND NIGHTCLUB OF BEDFORD Presents Former Radio 1 DJ DAVE PEARCE on 9th APRIL £5.00 ticket price on the door all night
Tel: 01234 354102 www.purebarandclub.com
C&R PEST MANAGEMENT
R.P.P.T (Registered Professional Pest Technician)Wasps, Rats, Mice, Rabbits, Moles, etc
Fully Insured Special Rate
for OAPS! Free Estimate01525 288207 07500 431131
Do you need a venue for a Friday or
Saturday night party? Ampthill Town FC offers
a fully licensed bar, excellent catering facilities and capacity for 80 people
For further information, contact: Pauline Marlow
01525-750217
FIXED PRICE AERIAL
INSTALLATIONS
See our ad on page 22
Hello everyone and a very big welcome to this jam packed edition of your Fuddler!You’ll find all your usual fun and nonsense inside, plus lots of messages from our advertisers showing once again that ‘Whatever you’re looking for - you’ll
find it in The Fuddler’!We very much hope you enjoy the edition and don’t forget if you would like to advertise with us our contact details are all on page four. Lastly a very Happy Mother’s Day to all Mothers wherever you are!
TYRES & EXHAUSTS
NOW AVAILABLE
INAMPTHILL
See our ad on p.14
Sharman LawS O L I C I T O R SIncorporating Sharman & Trethewy
The Solicitors who care for you,your family and your business
1 Harpur Street, BedfordTelephone: 01234 30 30 30
Email: [email protected]: www.SharmanLaw.co.uk
88 Dunstable Street, AmpthillTelephone: 01525 750 750
Page 2
CHINESE and PEKING CUISINE
111, Dunstable Street, Ampthill Telephone: 01525 840096
Eddie has now had a lot of protests from all the wives and girlfriends!
They are now tired and exhausted with cooking for their husbands and boyfriends, so they held Eddie
to ransom, locked in the cloakroom and prodded him with their umbrellas until he agreed to open on Mother’s Day for a lunchtime buffet for
only £10.95 per head!!
So maybe after this lesson he’ll improve his standards so they won’t have to cook so much!!
33, RUSSELL DRIVE AMPTHILL
With Spring almost in the air, isn’t it time you considered replacing those doors and windows? Or maybe a new conservatory to enjoy. Don’t compromise on style - call into our showroom and see our stunning range of doors and windows including “The Composite Door”.
No window or glazing job too small.
Page 3
(Serving Ampthill, Maulden & Millbrook) Would you like to help those in need in your community?
We are currently looking for the following volunteers to assist our vital community scheme: Drivers - who are able to provide lifts to and from local hospitals, doctor’s surgeries, opticians, dentists and shops. (Your Mileage is repaid at 40p per mile). For more details on becoming a volunteer contact Mark Smith (Chairman of Ampthill & District Good Neighbours) for more details on 402560 (home) or 01234 354366 (work) or alternatively download a volunteer sign up form from www.ampthill.org.uk/goodneighbours.htm.
There is to be a huge charity event on August 15th of this year at the Millennium Park in Flitwick. Raising funds for Leukaemia Research, The Anthony Nolan Trust and The Willow Foundation, the event includes a 40 mile and 10 mile cycle challenge plus a host of other attractions on the day. Watch out for the human ‘Foosball’ tournament, BMX competition plus a lot more. You’ll find out all the details and a whole lot more on the website: www.giveatomarrow.org.uk
F o l l o w i n g t h e overwhelming success of the 2008 Wedding Fayre, The Rufus Centre in Flitwick will be holding a 2009 Fayre on Sunday 15th March from 11 am - 3 pm. Entry to the event is free, with many people on hand to offer practical advice and suggestions on how to make your special day really special! A big feature will be the interactive catwalks plus lots more besides. See page 21 of this issue for details. If you would like more information please contact Nigella or Mary on 01525 631905
There is to be an open day with private readings given by visiting medium Tony Gadsby who is from Irish Romany parentage, in the meeting rooms at The Star & Garter, Silsoe on the 14th March from 1 pm to 10 pm. Limited tickets available, book early to avoid disappointment. 10% of all profits are being donated to Keech Cottage Children’s Hospice. (Registered Charity no: 1035089) For details please contact 07813 145112
CALL 01525
75 55 50
MOB: 07903
374712
1 to 7 SEATER - PRIVATE HIRE TAXI SERVICE
AIRPORT TRANSFERS - DAYS & NIGHTS OUT COASTAL DAYS OUT - WEST END SHOWS
LUTON AIRPORT RETURN FROM £45.00! NOW HERE!
DMC Silks Aida, evenweave, Cross stitch, embroidery & tapestry kits
Ordering service available for kits - please ask
Staples Garden Centre, Fordfield Rd, Millbrook, MK45 2HZ Telephone 01525 402959
Coming Soon! Quilting Supplies Encaustic Art Demo 7th March 10.00 - 4.00 Workshops & Clubs available - please come in and pick up a newsletter with all the details
Little Emm’s Unisex Hair Studio
Tel: 01525 237687
“A Cut Above The Rest” For a totally new look for the Spring why not come and see ‘Emma Scissorhands’?!
22A Woburn Road Heath & Reach Nr Leighton Buzzard Beds LU7 OAR
I’m happy as I am - please don’t canvas me!
Page 4
Across: 7 Collie, 8 Flower, 10 Topiary, 11 Thane, 12 Lees, 13 Sheer, 17 Belle, 18 Bent, 22 Print, 23 Grandee, 24 Tavern, 25 Picnic
Down: 1 Scuttle, 2 Flipped, 3 Rival, 4 Clutter, 5 Swear, 6 Green, 9 Mythology, 14 Feature, 15 Heeding, 16 Stretch, 19 Spate, 20 Sieve, 21 Rabid
“The Fuddler” i s p u b l i s hed by MDA Publications and printed by Digital Print Bureau. The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of the publisher. No part of this publication may be copied in any form or by any means without written permission of the Publisher. Copyright MDA Publications. Like to book an ad, or ask about our absurdly low rates please ring Martin on
A BRIANISM
I thrive on responsibility.
I was an ink monitor at school
you know.
LORD DEE’S PONDERINGS
Check-It-Out kindly lent Duster and myself a book
on the rules of society 1860 and I thought I
should impart the following when it comes to visiting:
‘Those who mix in society are in the habit of
reminding one another of their existence, either by personally calling on each
other during certain hours, or by merely leaving
their cards at the door.’ So now you know.
Ciao
Visit our showroom. Over 70 modern and traditional fireplaces and stoves on display.
1, Woburn Street, Ampthill, BedsTel: 01525 841199www.ampthillfireplaces.co.uk
Monday to Saturday 10.00 am - 5 pm
"Don't get caught without seasoned logs this winter ... order NOW and beat the price increase!"
STEVE NICHOLSON PHOTOGRAPHY
Home Portraits : Weddings & Family Occasions : Commercial www.steve-nicholson.com
Tel. 07967 246755 Email. [email protected]
Local, reliable bathroom/ensuite installations + tiling.
Small jobs welcome, FREE ESTIMATES Call Simon on:
01234 742685 Mob: 07870 906519
Page 5
STAPLES GARDEN CENTRE
~ LUNCH SPECIAL ~
HOMEMADE MAIN COURSE AND DESSERT
£5.99
~ SUNDAY ROAST ~ £5.99
~ ALL DAY BREAKFASTS ~ FROM £3.95
~ HOMEMADE SCONES AND CAKES ~ FROM £1.50
FORDFIELD ROAD, MILLBROOK, BEDFORD MK45 2HZ
07771 585756
Page 6
Across: 1 Turning deep red, I’m giving child credit (7) 5 Tree of ample proportions (5) 8 Arrive without a flower (5) 9 Small keyboard instrument played by Celt at sea (7) 10 Difficult choice between equally unattractive alternatives in a quandary! (7) 11 Unsuitable kind of paint (5) 12 Person perpetually getting in fix did act badly! (6) 14 In the end, Ted cared (6) 17 Worth getting equivalent! (5) 19 Account rendered for chair that is antiquated (7) 22 A miner’s organising a short intensive course of study (7) 23 Your message has been received and understood in his name (5) 24 Stupid to be crowded together! (5) 25 Suspected Dot was hiding in Bude (7)
Down: 1 Restored to health despite having smoked! (5) 2 Disabled person order to dial five when in trouble (7) 3 Whey used as antitoxin (5) 4 Trance induced by delicious drink (6) … 5 … But ales I am mixing result in a feeling of uneasiness! (7) 6 Pat’s cooking a spaghetti dish, for instance (5) 7 Cede back tax was demanded in full (7) 1 2 C o n s i d e r e d i t w a s recommended (7) 13 Case Len arranges to purify (7) 15 Drawing depicting a current of air (7) 16 Dacre’s somehow become sacrosanct (6) 18 Gourd chopped and mixed with citrus fruit (5) 20 Fur business established in Greek island (5) 21 Felt inclined to propagate cedar (5)
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9
10 11
12 13 14 15
16
17 18 19 20 21
22 23
24 25
Building Preservation Specialists Damp ProofingWoodworm TreatmentsDry / Wet Rot TreatmentsBasement Waterproofing
Telephone/Fax (01525) 406655 Mobile: 07850 727752 email: [email protected]
16 Tavistock Avenue, Ampthill, Bedford. MK45 2RY
A family run business offering service and repairs to most
makes of car & light commercial.
We also carry out MOT tests at a competitive price.
Call Dave or Andy on 01525 406899
COVERING •AMPTHILL, •BARTON LE CLAY, •CLOPHILL, •FLITWICK,
•HOUGHTON CONQUEST, •LIDLINGTON, •MARSTON MORETAINE, •RIDGMONT
•SILSOE, •STEWARTBY, •WESTONING, •WOBURN, & ALL OTHER MID BEDS AREAS.
•AIRPORT SPECIALISTS •CORPORATE ACCOUNTS WELCOME
Competitive Rates, Advance Bookings and a friendly service to rely on - 24 hours a day!
For a 1st Class MILK DELIVERY
SERVICE TELEPHONE 01525 402206
Free doorstep delivery of organic milk plus …
Maulden Dairies Warren Farm, Woburn Street, Millbrook
… GARDEN SUPPLIES INCLUDING MULTI PURPOSE COMPOST, GARDEN PEAT,
FERTILISER ETC - ALL DELIVERED RIGHT TO YOUR DOOR!
Page 7
Hearing loss affects one in seven people in the UK – yet most suffer in silence when they don’t have to!
A hearing loss can greatly affect your quality of life, but a simple hearing test could be your first step to improved hearing.
Bedfordshire Hearing Healthcare was established 30 years ago and is an independent family run business dedicated to providing and maintaining the highest professional and ethical standards of hearing care. We’ve helped thousands of local people to hear better and to lead fuller lives.
Bedford Hearing Healthcare’s practice owner and audiologist, Stephen Beale, RHAD FSHAA MRSH, is an expert in diagnosing and correcting hearing problems and offers the very best unbiased advice, plus access to the finest hearing technology.
So why not come and meet Stephen and the team from Bedfordshire Hearing Healthcare during their informal Open Day on the 26th March 2009, (For full details please see the advertisement below).
It will be a chance for you to talk to Stephen and other hearing care professionals, to receive free expert advice, and to learn more about hearing, hearing loss and hearing protection. You’ll also be able to see demonstrations of the latest life-changing technology and hearing instruments and to participate in Informative question and answer sessions.
There is no obligation to buy whatsoever, but bring this page with you and receive a fantastic £100 off any hearing instrument purchased during the Open Day.
We look forward to welcoming you!
Page 8
With Geoffrey THE Golfer Morris was a man who knew all there was to know about golf. He knew all the courses, the champions, their scores, as well as the prize money the professionals had won for the past fifty years or more. He had read every book ever published on the game and knew all there was to know about technique, but, strange to say, he had never played a game. Having listened to him hold forth for so long his friends finally ganged up on him and insisted that he play a game. It was arranged for the following weekend. Morris set out with borrowed clubs and faced the
eighteen holes of his home course. Five hours later he returned with a score of 53 which included four eagles, nine birdies and a hole in one. Never had anyone seen such a fine performance from a beginner. However while the celebrations were going on in the clubhouse, Morris announced that he would never play again. "What!" cried his distraught mates. "What!" echoed the equally distraught pro. "But you could win all sorts of prizes for the club. You know everything there is to know about the game." "Not everything," Morris replied. "The books didn't tell me I'd have to walk." GTG
LIONHEART AND MEERKAT Congratulations on
your Wedding Anniversary on
9th March
A true story! A customer was sitting enjoying a quiet pint in his local when his mobile phone rang. ‘Yes’ he said ‘That’s very kind of you, would you? Thanks.’ He then rang off and continued to chat to other customers. ‘Oh Lor!’ he exclaimed ‘That was my neighbour telling me I’d left my keys in my front door lock and should he put them through my letterbox! And I said yes!’
Oh Dear!
Congratulations to ‘The Smithies’ on their Wedding Anniversary
on 31st March!
Ampthill School of Motoring
DSA Approved Driving Instructor in your area Pass Plus registered CRB Registered First 3 lessons £15.00, each lesson £20.00 thereafter Lessons given in Vauxhall Corsa
DISCOUNTS FOR BLOCK BOOKINGS
Phone Ken on 07900 046395
Photo for illustration purposes only
Welcome home Berta and thanks for the articles!
WHY BE A SMALL FISH IN A BIG POND?
Page 9
Memory Foam Mattresses Direct from the manufacturer
at trade prices!
WWW.COMFORT MATTRESS.CO.UK
At Comfort Mattress we manufacture and distribute high quality
Memory Foam mattresses locally from Shefford.
We sell direct to the public and trade cutting out the middle men, allowing us to sell a range of foam products at
FANTASTIC low prices!! Take advantage of massive
discounted prices only available from our Factory Outlet at
12C Oldbridge Way, Shefford Ind Est, Beds SG17 5HQ
30% Discount off web site prices with this voucher.
Not to used with any other offer
YOUR LOCAL
No.1 For Scooters,
Stairlifts & Mobility
Can’t get to us? Call now to organise a free
no pressure home demonstration with one of our friendly
sales advisors.
Curved & Straight stairlifts available.
New and used Scooters, part ex
welcome. Wheelchairs,
Ramps, Walking Sticks, Grab Rails,
Tri-Walkers, Rollators, Bathlifts, Waterproof Clothing
& much more. For more information call us or
visit our website at www.comforthomecare.co.uk
Page 10
By Julio Van Peebles 1) Why do keep out signs make you want to go in? 2) Can bald people let their hair down? 3) What happened to Pygmies? 4) Why can't Scottish people say Baileys? 5) When are they going to change the road signs that say 'Flood' to ones that say 'Rather Large Puddle'? Julio's Top Tip:Fool the law into thinking you're not talking to a hands free mobile phone by simply learning the art of ventriloquism
With Jimmy The Voice We are pleased to welcome our guest who has very kindly sent us this superb picture!
But - is it two older people o r p e o p l e w e a r i n g sombreros and enjoying themselves? You decide - JTV cannot!
Thanks for that one!
With Dave (Theo) Saurus If a cat were to eat a large heap of cheese and then sat outside a mouse hole - would it be true to say that he was waiting with baited breath?
Happy Birthday Doris for the 23rd March!
To my darling James, Happy Birthday for the 20th ,with all my love A&F Sue xxx
The Gentle Ways
Reiki Healing & Pyramid HealingReiki is relaxing and allows your body to reconnect
It helps with stress, insomnia, aches & pains
Contact Sonia: 07852 416073 Email: [email protected]
Bugged by a bug? Computer broke? Foxed by email? Internet slow?
Computer repairs, Hardware or Software, Security, Networks, Internet, Computer and software training,
In your home or office, Fixed rates - no call out charge
Page 11
Babs got confused with the snow! She was listening to her radio and heard the announcer say that as there would be 8 - 10 inches of snow, residents were asked to park their cars on the even numbered side of the road to let the gritting lorries through. She duly moved her car. A week later the announcer said that again there would be heavy snowfall and could residents park their cars on the odd numbered side of the road to allow the gritting lorries through. Again Babs duly obliged. The next week the announcer started to advise of the snowfall when there was a power cut. Not quite sure what to do, Babs left her car in the garage!
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? You could cheer yourself up by making a list of things to do that you have already done. Is it possible to be totally partial? My friend’s husband is so silly that she reckons he couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors. Is uninstalled a euphemism for being fired? It is unwise to trust a man with a penchant for cravats. After any pay rise you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. Help employees who are suffering from information overload by not telling them anything. You will always get less interruptions if you lecture rather than converse. I work on the system that every month has the same number of days and firmly believe everyone else will come round. 1 A wind, 2 1899 - second Boer War, 3
The ear, 4 A fern, 5 Tabernacle, 6 Ventriloquist’s Dummies, 7 American Indian, 8 Fossil pollen and spores, 9 Georges Simenon. 10 Plant
1. What is a Meltemi? 2. When was the battle of
Ladysmith? 3. Where would you find
‘Stapes’? 4. What is a Polypody? 5. What is the collective name
for Bakers? 6. I f y o u s u f f e r f r o m
Automatonophobia, what do you fear?
7. What is an Abnaki? 8. Palynology is the study of
what? 9. Who created the fictional
detective ‘Maigret’? 10.What is an Elephant’s ear?
Sweet Sensations 100a, Dunstable St, Ampthill Tel: 01525 405352
Your favourite sweet shop has now moved to a super new shop in Dunstable Street, Ampthill (just opposite Bennetts flooring) where we have even more goodies to tempt you!
MOTHER’S DAY SPECIALS Great choice of gifts, sweet flower bouquets etc
PLEASE CALL IN AND SEE US!
Bob AmblerCarpenter & Joiner
Carpentry Fitted Kitchens
Kitchen re-doors and worktops Fitted Bedrooms and Home office furniture
Fitted Bathrooms Fitted Bathroom Furniture
A complete design, supply and installation service or
You supply and we install 01525 405393 ans. phone
Mobile 07889 058345 email: [email protected]
Building & Roofing Tel: 01525 403563
Mob: 07979 053834
YOUR LOCAL OFFICE SUPPLIES COMPANY
Full range of Office Stationery Computer Consumables
Inks and Toners Print Service
Office Furniture And much more
t: 01525 633336 f: 01525 634444
Unit 1, 101 Ampthill Road Flitwick Beds MK45 1BE
www.businesspoint.uk.com email: [email protected]
TRADE ENQUIRIES AND ACCOUNTS WELCOME
Page 12
Ampthill Festival Planning Committee is pleased to announce that Proms in the Park will take place Saturday 27th June 2009 (the evening before this year’s Gala Day). So make a note on your diary and look out for booking information for this new cultural highlight in Ampthill’s calendar of events. More details will be posted on www.ampthill.info as and when they become available. If you are interested in helping plan or help out on the day of this event (or indeed Ampthill Gala Day), contact Mark Smith at [email protected] or phone 01234 354366 (Work) or 01525 402560 (Home). Ampthill Festival ‘Proms in the Park’ is supported through funding from the National Lottery’s ‘Awards for All’ Funding Programme. Mark Smith, Ampthill Festival Planning Committee
FARMERS MARKETS The Farmers Market in Woburn is held on the third Sunday of every month at The Pitchings, whilst Ampthill Farmers Market is held on the last Saturday of each month at their new home at The White Hart Hotel car park.
THE
ROSE & CROWN RIDGMONT
TELEPHONE: 01525 280245 www.roseandcrownridgmont.co.uk
Traditional homemade food Function rooms with self contained bar Campsite with shower & toilet facilities
MOTHER’S DAY 22nd MARCH Traditional Sunday Roast, Children 1/2 price
FREE FLORAL GIFT FOR ALL MOTHERS DINING!
(pre-booked only)
FORTHCOMING LIVE MUSIC AT THE ROSE & CROWN
STABLES BAR
Sat 21st March - Local Silsoe Folk Band ‘RAGGED STAFF’
Sat 25th April - Jazz Night with JIM DOUGLAS & FRIENDS
Sat 30th May - By popular demand MELVIS LIVE
Tickets only - supper included at each event. Please ring or pop in to book or for more details.
EASTER FAMILY FUN
Good Friday EASTER EGG HUNT & EGG ROLLING
Easter Saturday FAMILY DISCO (tickets only)
Easter Sunday EASTER BONNET COMPETITION
Easter Monday EASTER BONNET PARADE & GAMES
OUR STABLES FUNCTION ROOMS ARE
AVAILABLE TO HIRE FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Please call us on 01525 280245 or email [email protected]
A & F Fabrics LtdYour LocalLocal Carpet
and Upholstery Cleaning Service
All furniture moved and replaced
Stain and odour removal
Stain Shield protective treatments
All work fully insured and guaranteed
‘Providing a Hassle Free service from our professional and friendly cleaners’
CALL NOW FOR A FREE NO OBLIGATION QUOTE
01525 712639Email: [email protected]
Page 13
Pamper Me!Wellness inside and out for men & women
By Sarah Panter, Libra Wellness CentreAs a therapist, my favourite treatment is Indian Head Massage. Introduced over 5000 years ago, it was initially used to promote the growth of strong, healthy hair and as a bonding technique within Indian families. The massage is usually carried out with the client seated in a chair wrapped in a warm towel or sarong. The treatment incorporates a back, neck, shoulder and arm massage, scalp massage and finally a facial massage incorporating sinus drainage and pressure point work. Here are some of the therapeutic benefits:
Increases energy levels Can improve frequency/severity of headaches or migraines Eliminates muscle tension in neck and shoulder area Detoxifying
Stress relief & relaxation Stimulates and improves circulation and lymphatic drainage Improves hair condition and can be beneficial to clients with thinning hair Reduces sinus congestion & eyestrain
Indian Head Massage treatment usually lasts between 45-60 minutes and you can expect to pay between £25 - £30. As always, look for a properly qualified therapist. Libra Wellness Centre provides a range of complementary therapies to suit everyone. We’re based at 2nd Floor Rear, 2 Church Street, Ampthill (entrance from The Oxlip). For a free consultation please call 07786 912353
Beat the credit crunch with Formula One Scooters
F1 Scooters Pilgrim House, Dunstable Street, Ampthill 0845 313 8400 07961 775420
www.f1scooters.co.uk
With the price of car-parking, tax and petrol, the ideal vehicle for commuting is a scooter; a years’ tax on a scooter is only £15. Very cheap to insure. At Most rail stations parking for a scooter is free (£6.20 a day for a car), coupled by the fact that you can actually park. The other obvious advantage is that you can get circa 100 miles to a gallon.
You can ride a 50 cc at age 16, or if you have a full car licence, just twist and go, no test or ‘L’ plates required.*
We have a wide range of 50cc and 125cc scooters, both in sports and retro style. Prices vary from £699.00 to £1,099.00 including road tax and registration.
Hopefully with all the snow and ice gone from the roads now, we can start to get out and about on our new scooters with an 09 plate.
* Providing licence obtained prior to February 2001
Friday 27th March (The last Friday of each Month)
The Village Hall Flitwick
2.00pm - 4.00pm Why not join us for an afternoon of
bingo, chat and refreshments For more information please call
Community Development on01525 631900
FILMS @ FLITWICK
THE QUEEN
Tuesday 24th March
2.00pm
The Rufus Centre Flitwick
Tickets £3.00
(Including Refreshments)
Call 01525 631900 for tickets
Friday 17th April Time: 2.00pm
The Rufus Centre Steppingley Road Flitwick
Tickets £4.50 (refreshments available)
For tickets and more informationplease call 01525 631900
Join in the fun in this fantastic show & become a detective for
the day. Help our farmyard friends as they try to solve the
case of the missing egg!
Page 14
Gezuar! Prost! A Votre Sante! Nazdrave! Gun-bei! Kippis! Stin yia ssas! Yum-sing! Slainte! L’chaim! Salute! Kam pai! Salud! Proost! Skal! Saude! Noroc! Slainte mhath! Geluk! Chokdee! Serefe! Iechyd da! Zieili! Or in other words - CHEERS!
We are pleased to bring you another snapshot of things that chefs get up to when they get bored!
Thanks once again for that!
A very Happy Birthday to Beanie
for 17th March xxx
HAPPY 70th BIRTHDAY TO FREDDIE ‘THE
FOX’ FOR THE 19th MARCH!!
With Mavis Plimpton
Hello again. My friend Gladys has just been round for coffee and biscuits and she has found some more advertisements where perhaps the words should have been checked more carefully! For sale: Three canaries of undermined sex. Save regularly in our bank. You’ll never reget it. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Get rid of aunts. New Zapper does the job in 24 hours. Great Dames for sale. The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities. For sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Thank you once more Mavis!
PLUMBING & HEATING ENGINEER I.M. CLAYTON
Tel: 01525 873627 Mobile: 07779 776797 or visit my Web Site at
http://imclayton.bttradespace.com
Reasonable Rates Experienced Mechanic
Servicing Spares Repairs ON ALL MAKES OF CARS, MOTORCYCLES
LIGHT COMMERCIALS OLD AND NEW MOT’S ARRANGED, MOT WORK CARRIED OUT
Page 15
Page 16
CANCER (June 22-July 23) With the next full moon may come some long awaited news that could well surprise and please you. Everything comes to those who wait.
LEO (July 24-August 23) As we see the first signs of Spring so you may see the first of many adventures leading quite possibly to some long distance travel.
VIRGO (Aug 24-Sept 23) As you look towards seeing the fruition of your labours taking shape, it should become clear that it has all been worthwhile.
LIBRA (Sept 24-Oct 23) It could be time in the hear future to put your foot down over important issues that could well alter the way you are managing things.
SCORPIO (Oct 24-Nov 22) Sometimes it is better to just throw caution to the wind and follow your inner instincts. Be sure of all the facts before making an important decision.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23-Dec 22) Before committing yourself to a new project, you could find yourself heeding advice from an unexpected source.
CAPRICORN (Dec 23-Jan 20) With the current planetary aspects there seems to be clear indications that a well earned holiday could be on the cards.
AQUARIUS (Jan 21-Feb 19) There may well be a tempting offer come your way in the early part of the Spring. Make sure you fully understand the possible pitfalls.
PISCES (Feb 20-March 20) Do all you can to ensure that the plan you have in mind is a realistic way to achieve what you want to. Help may well be offered by a close friend.
ARIES (March 21-April 20) Now really is the time to grab every opportunity and to set yourself goals that you are able to reach - if only in the short term.
TAURUS (April 21-May 21) With a little more forethought you should find that your dream is achievable. Possibly not at the level you had hoped for.
GEMINI (May 22-June 21) There may be a terrific opportunity coming your way but on the other hand all may not seem what it appears. Beware false promises.
...are Milton Keynes’s premier airport transfer company.
Whether a business trip, or a much needed break, Airports Direct are dedicated to getting you to
and from your airport stress free and in comfort and style. 100% reliable, professional service
guaranteed. DVD’s / coolers available.
T: 0800 707 6003 E: [email protected]
www.airportsdirectmk.com 33 White Alder, Stacey Bushes
Milton Keynes, MK12 6HE Company No. 5318754 (England & Wales)
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ive
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ands
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ontr
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ools
▼ Chainsaws ▼ Strimmers ▼ Hedgecutters ▼ Brush Cutters ▼ Lawn Mowers ▼ Disk Cutters ▼
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owers ▼
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Page 17
Bedfordshire will soon be going Digital! If you have a Television or DVD Recorder with the DVB symbol on it, they should still work OK, however in some cases you may have to upgrade your aerial. The DVB logo indicates that your TV is ready for Digital transmissions. The difficulty many people will have is with video and DVD recorders. Almost every video recorder in people’s homes will be an analogue machine, therefore after digital switchover this equipment will no longer record television programmes. You will therefore need to buy a DVD recorder with the Digital logo on the cabinet. You will still be able to watch your old pre-recorded video tapes, however that is all you will be able to do. Exactly the same thing applies to people who have older DVD recorders. If it does not display the Digital Logo on the cabinet you will no longer be able to record onto DVD. In both instances you will have to buy new equipment to continue recording. Over the coming months you will begin to see more and more adverts in newspapers, billboards and on television regarding Digital Switchover. To summarise: Check all your TV and recording equipment to ensure it has the DVB logo on it. You can then be confident you are covered for Digital. The best way to ensure you are OK however, is to speak to and get advice from the Professionals. Talk to your local Television Retailer or contact the: Michael R Peters Group, 19-23 The Broadway Bedford MK40 2TL Tel: 01234 352107 or 356323 (See their ad on back page)
MORE TASTING EVENINGS PLANNED! - 17th & 19th MARCH
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MOTHERING SUNDAY Spoil your Mum with all sorts of different cooking goodies – or possibly a hamper filled with delicious food from our deli!
DELICATESSEN ORDER FORMS AVAILABLE FOR EASTER
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Page 18
With Mrs Pinkleton ‘My father has a cross face in the holidays’ John aged 7 ‘My Daddy does love me but he is very busy making money.’ David aged 7 ‘My cat hates babies because they drink his milk.’ Jenny aged 6 Well, thanks again Madam, please keep them coming in!
‘I don’t have references - I’ve left a
path of destruction behind me’
LAWRENCE HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY
FOR 22nd MARCH!
Love Dad, Mum, JD, & Jazz
In a community lead project Ampthill is looking to join a growing band of towns that has a twin with a town/village in another country to enable the residents (in particular the young) of Ampthill to experience the culture of another country. We are looking to our near neighbour France and initial links have already been made with Nissan Lez Enserune, a village in the Languedoc Rousillon area of France. Nissan is approximately 25 minutes from Beziers airport that has a direct flight from Luton with Ryanair. Would anybody wishing to volunteer to be involved in the creation of the formal Twinning please contact Dave Ratcliffe in the first instance at [email protected]. www.nissanlezenserune.com (website under Construction)
To keep up to date with everything that’s happening in the town, do have a look at the new Ampthill website at www.ampthill.info where you’ll find lots of helpful information.
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Page 19
Important choices to be made at RetirementSome of the most important financial choices you make can be at retirement. This is not only due to the amount that can be involved, from say a pension scheme, but also because the decision will affect you for the rest of your life. For many, particularly the millions of civil servants in the UK, retirement is relatively simple as they have a government backed scheme which pays out a reliable pension, usually including benefits for the spouse as well. Often the main decision in these cases is whether or not to take the Tax Free Cash lump sum that is on offer. However, for many who work for private businesses or who are self employed, there are a range of decisions to make when retiring. Which choice you should make will be dependent upon your own personal circumstances and also the size of your pension fund. Inevitably, the larger this is the greater the choices that are open to you. For some, especially the more cautious, a guaranteed pension for life is the fundamental aim and as such a simple annuity is all that is required. However, this in itself opens up the possibility of an Impaired Life annuity for those who may be
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in ill health or for smokers, leading to a higher income being available. Sadly, many people miss out on this, along with securing the best normal rates available because they do not use their Open Market Option. This is an option which allows you to look across all the providers of annuities to see which company is providing the best rates. Unfortunately, the majority of people do not use this option at retirement and risk losing out on a higher income by taking an annuity with their existing pension provider. For those happier to take a level of risk with their pension fund, there are options allowing them to continue having their funds invested whilst taking an income from them. This can have a number of advantages, although there is always the risk of seeing your fund value fall at times when you are exposed to the markets. Whatever your situation when you come to retire, taking advice will mean that you will have considered all the options and will, therefore, be more likely to make the right decision. Remember that the choices you make at retirement live with you for the rest of your life!
Page 20
By Chris Yates On Collins Street, the Oxford Street of Melbourne, is The Charles Dickens, an ‘English’ public house. You have to walk down to it, as the bars are at basement level where the lack of windows is a touch claustrophobic, but a cool sanctuary from the summer heat. On this day, on each wall, several TV screens flicker silently (thankfully), showing golf, cricket and European football. Real beer taps dispense Double Diamond, Newcastle Brown, Tetley’s and McEwan’s and here in its own country Foster’s skulks unwanted apart from the rest. Two are off so I settle for a DD and sit in a seat with a view of most of the drinking area, the usual hangar view afforded in Australian pubs. I open my newspaper and begin the respite from the shopping somewhere above. It is quiet, strangely so for a pub these days. I look at my fellow drinkers, a scattering of Lowry-like figures, each fixed on a screen, sometimes sitting at right angles to a companion, dipping occasionally into a pint. It is dark and quiet and in the gloom I become one of them. A black woman nearby leans over and asks me who is batting. ‘West Indies. Five for seventy-eight. Lillee’s getting them.’ She is blind. ‘Thank you.’ The stick-figure ensemble remains almost immobile, although one or two go to the counter to replenish but the scene is hardly ruffled. Sirens that keep the drinkers fixated, the screens gaze unfeelingly down. Gradually, lightly, down the stairs come the tinkling of small bells, the slight tap on a tambourine and a delicately played accordion. Into the undergound tableau trip several men with small children who walk in and about the men’s legs which are girt with little silver bells falling from frilly white leggings. These men sport blue and fancy white waistcoats and flowered hats. They order pints and pork pies for themselves and lemonade for the young ones and sit down. They are Morris dancers, about a dozen in the troupe whose music and murmuring ebb as they eat and drink. Soon, faintly, the clear, soothing notes of a flute start to play around the wood-panelled walls filling the silence of the screens. Then a fiddle, softly scraping folk. A drum is beaten softly. Some begin to sing quietly, men and children together,
‘Drink to me only with thine eyes And I will pledge with mine; Or leave a kisse within the cup, And Ile not look for wine.’
The scene is beautiful and I feel privileged to watch and listen, to this gentle reminder of my far-off home. I buy another pint. They do the same and the afternoon wears on. They sing and play for no audience, only for themselves, so tenderly as not to disturb even the ghosts of drinkers past. Eventually, I do have to leave, leave the Morris men and children and the drinkers; even the blind lady, her ears turned to her team’s misfortunes. Grudgingly I walk back up the stairs and into the glaring hot din of Collins Street in January.
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Page 21
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Page 22
And here’s more from Random Wraith SCHOOLMASTER: When you rearrange the letters: THE CLASSROOM MADAM CURIE: When you rearrange the letters: RADIUM CAME A TELEPHONE GIRL: When you rearrange the letters: REPEATING HELLO WESTERN UNION: When you rearrange the letters: NO WIRE UNSENT POSTMASTER: When you rearrange the letters: STAMP STORE A TELESCOPE: When you rearrange the letters: TO SEE PLACE THE COCKROACH: When you rearrange the letters: COOK, CATCH HER THE CENTENARIANS When you rearrange the letters: I CAN HEAR TEN ‘TENS’ DISRAELI: When you rearrange the letters: I LEAD, SIR HEAVY RAIN? When you rearrange the letters: HIRE A NAVY! THE HILTON: When you rearrange the letters: HINT HOTEL THE RAILROAD TRAIN When you rearrange the letters: HI! I RATTLE AND ROAR A GENTLEMAN: When you rearrange the letters: ELEGANT MAN
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Page 23
Ballast! A 24 pack of Emu.
NW Australia 1974 (Cape Lambert, not far from Hammersley) (Continued from last month)In any case the winds drew stronger and the plant closed down in preparation, folk with boats out of water, placed sand bags all round the hull to support them and filled the hull with water, Cyclone screens where secured outside all widows to protect against flying rocks, windows down wind of the approaching storm where left partially open to allow pressure equalisation and we, the workers, looked forward to a few days off
and a party, because after the storm had gone, there would be some serious clearing up to do. Very few workers in the mining town stayed for more than a year so for most of us, the approaching cyclone was our first experience of such a phenomenon! As a result many folk did not heed the warnings adequately. As w o r k e r s s h e d , a prefabricated container that was delivered on the back of a truck with windows and doors ready for use, exploded like match wood because the windows and doors were left shut! All around the Northern parts of Australia, the towns have ridiculous looking flood gullies, 10 feet wide
and 20 feet deep, for most of the year they are bone dry and you wonder what they are for but when the wind and rain arrives, they flow with torrents of water that they are barely able to hold. After the rain had stopped we found several cars in the bottom of these gullies, horrified we wondered what winds could lift a car and drop it into the gully until we discovered they had been driven into the gully by folk foolish enough to attempt to drive through the height of the wind! That brings me to ballast. As the cyclone approached many of the guys decided where they wanted to be battened down for the party! Join your buddies with
enough booze to see you through the storm, thus during the last hours as the wind wiped up to 110+ miles per hour you would see fellas running from duplex to off licence to duplex carrying two packs of beer, 24 cans in each. I should point out that Emu is a very popular lager in the NW of Australia! At the peak of the storm, it was only the beer that kept them on the ground. ( I may have exaggerated with the numbers but only for realistic effect,.. honest,.. ye had ta be there)
Prof Reginald VQ Di Gama IPA With kind permission of Jim Barr
Electrical Contractor Domestic and Industrial
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Page 24
The Royal OakChurch Street Lidlington MK43 ORJ (Sat Nav)
Tel: 01525 840233
Tony & Angela welcome you to your friendly village local …
SERVING TRADITIONAL ENGLISH PUB GRUB + SUNDAY ROASTS
EVERY WEEK - FAMILIES WELCOME (Kitchen re-opens 15th March)
MOTHER’S DAY 22nd MARCH 3 Course set menu with
Mum’s main course free! (Bookings only)
THE GREAT BRITISH PUB AWARD Regional winner -
Best Creative Outdoor Area of 2008
Beer garden with enclosed children’s play area + plenty of car parking.
RAMBLERS HOT SPOT! Dog walkers also welcome
SKY & SETANTA SPORTS IN HD
Regular Live entertainment - please ask for details
Lots of forthcoming events … watch this space!
QUIZ NIGHT EVERY THURSDAY
Petanque (French Boules) played here - why not sign up for the new Season?
Here are some more observations from the wacky world of Montgolfier: Message left by wife who’s husband is still down at the pub: HVE GONE TO BED. HAD ONE OF MY FUNNY TURNS. YOUR DINNER IS ON THE CEILING. A fellow workmate is always looking very clean shaven. I asked ‘What type of razor do you use?’ He said ‘I never use one. I just chew off the roots inside.’ I was looking at a friend’s allotment and admiring it. I said ‘ You’ve got two nice rows of cabbages there.’ He replied ‘I call it my dual cabbageway.’ Wife gives her husband a clip round the ear. ‘That’s for being a poor lover.’ He gives her one back and says ‘That’s for knowing the difference.’ On arriving home from my first day at school my Mother asked me how I got on. I replied ‘ It was all right but they said to me that they would like me to go again tomorrow.’ A small boy passing a pet shop notices a small puppy in the window. He goes into the shop and asks how much it cost. ‘£50.00’ said the shopkeeper. The boy says ‘That’s’ a lot of money - do you have any second hand ones?’ I met someone the other day who said that they only have one meal a day. I asked ‘What time do you have it?’ They said ‘I start about 7.00 am and finish just before I go to bed.’ Pub customer to friend: ‘This beer is really horrible - I’ll be glad when I’ve had enough.’
Page 25
Combat these rising costs by installing solar panels to your house & remember solar works on UV not just Sunlight so you can gain free energy all year round!
We are an accredited company which means Grants are available towards
the cost of the work (currently up to £400.00)
All types of plumbing and heating work considered:
* Boiler and central heating servicing & breakdowns
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* Landlord safety certificates and fault diagnosing
* Bathroom installations.
* All work guaranteed.
P J Dennis Plumbing & Heating Services Ltd
01525 403924 Mobile 07860 504222
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*A pleasant and safe family environment *Drinks at club prices plus …….
CRIB - DARTS - DOMINOES - POOL BINGO - Thursday nights QUIZ - Sunday nights SMOKING AREA - Covered and heated BEER GARDEN (Summer) ENTERTAINMENT …….. Starts at 9 pm
WHAT’S ON?Saturday March 14th
ST PATRICK’S DAYPrize Karaoke + Themed Raffle
Saturday 28th MarchPut on your Denims and Gingham shirt, Stetson and frilly
skirt (‘Western Dress optional') 'Cause here comes ...
‘ROBBO’Great vocals and Guitar from this very popular
Country and Western Singer
13th, 14th & 15th March Elections for new CommitteeNEW MEMBERS ALWAYS WELCOME
CIU Affiliated 37 Church Street Ampthill Beds
Here’s a little whimsy from one of our readers ... I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.' This lorry full of tortoises c o l l i d e d w i t h a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. I told my girlfriend I had a job i n a bo wl i n g a l l e y . She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.' I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down. I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End' I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.' I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R. This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
Page 26
With Berta Hardup Tightwad, MO USA If it grows, it sticks to your skin; if it crawls it bites. Onced and Twiced are words. Backwards and forwards means ‘I know everything about you.’ You do not have to wear a watch because it doesn’t matter what time it is. You work till you’re done or it’s too dark to see.‘Fix, is a verb. Example: ‘I’m fixing to go to the store.’ You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup. The first day of the deer season is a national holiday. Fried catfish is the ‘other’ white meat. The local papers cover the national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sport. You carry jumper cables in your car … for your OWN car. ‘Fixinto’ is one word. EVERYONE can’t be from Missouri - it takes talent!!
OFFICE: SMART Motorcycle Training
38, Kings Road, Maulden, Beds MK45 2DT
TRAINING CENTRE: SMART Motorcycle Training,
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Page 27
With Archie Fairweather Almost got caught out! I arose the other morning, pottered through to make the traditional pot of tea and glanced at my watch to check the time. Well, it read 5.57! Thinking I may have slept the day away, or maybe the clocks had changed without anyone telling me, I called to Mrs F. who confirmed it was actually 8.04. Wretched
battery had gone! Madam kindly reminded me that the greeting card man on Ampthill market dealt with such matters so off I popped to have the offending article dealt with. He duly replaced my battery on the spot, only charged me £2.50 and I was on my way! Lucky really, as I had time for a surreptitious pint before I had to be home.
Courtesy Ruby Many thanks once again to Ruby for her most excellent contribution to the issue, wi th her wonder fu l knowledge of words! This month’s word is prestidigitation. If you don’t know what it means the answer is at the foot of the page.
Sleight of hand
‘Almost all the absurdity of conduct
arises from the limitation of those whom we cannot
resemble.’
We were asked last month to ‘alter’ one of our pictures of well known people from a lady to a gentleman. Well, here he is! A well known a c t o r g r a c i n g yo u r television screens in a popular American TV show. Answer at the foot of the page.
David Caruso from CSI Miami
Happy Wedding Anniversary Honky & Lis!
A very Happy 70th Birthday to Mary, our ‘Cotswold Correspondent’ for the 7th April!
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Page 28
He’s back! - Episode 43 There was an awkward silence for a moment as she realised I wasn’t mad at her and this gradually turned to a smile that seemed to light the whole room; the first time I’d seen her smile for real since first coming to this little English town with its drab winter sky and ancient buildings and, of course, particular problem of unexplained alien presence. I simply smiled back and, feeling the need to say something just to be sure there was no ice to be broken, said; “Hi Silver, away!” Which I later realised was from way before her time but then she hadn’t had the help of friendly outworld visitors back in the fifties which had kind of suspended the human ageing process and left me as a bit of an enigma as far as the agency was concerned. At least they wouldn’t have to pay out any pension benefits for who knows how long! We downed the last of our drinks as we rose from the table and the atmosphere seemed to disperse with the movement. “This place has something about it” I said as we pulled the door. “There’s almost a feeling of timelessness here. I don’t think it’s anything to do with whatever we’re up against, it seems a more ancient presence here, quite powerful in its own sleeping way but sentient nevertheless.” She shot me a quizzical look, her dark eyes searching for a by line or cheap gag, but seeing I was serious she offered; “What? You think this old inn might be linked in some way? Or are you saying there is stuff going on in this town in addition to the alien presence we detected? We stepped out to the street,
basking in a golden glow of winter afternoon sunlight, as I gathered my thoughts to give some form of reply that didn’t make me sound a complete cook. “I just think maybe this whole town is a bit special and that maybe that has drawn our bad guys here cos there’s no real reason why any alien creature would come from outworld to live somewhere so removed from the main centres of the planet. Let’s face it honey, there’s something really powerful moving around the town and it obviously ain’t after world domination. Maybe the, I don’t know, ‘other worldliness’ of this whole town has been like a magnet, and for who knows how long. I’m not a limey like you so maybe I’m being suckered by all the old buildings and picture postcard look of the place, but I can’t help feeling whatever we’re up against is itself against a backdrop of much older forces that it might be using to support itself. It could even be just some bad dude fleeing intergalactic justice or an outworlder on a retirement scheme” This got a laugh. Like the rill of a mountain stream, the sound of her laughter seemed to bounce off the rays of sunlight pushing through the evening cloud and for the first time in so long I recognised a feeling of happiness. “So where to now hot shot?” she asked, mimicking my accent, “are we going to call in the cavalry or go it alone? I should follow procedures and report in but as we’re in the area and you don’t seem to mind being dispensable, should we go and poke about a bit more while it’s still light enough to see up those little lanes?” To be continued
By Michael McSpleen
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Page 29
The planning has already begun!Would you like to get involved planning the 2009 Ampthill Festival? Well planning may have already started, but it’s never too late to get involved! Why not join our planning committee, as we need help in planning the following on Gala Day, namely:
· The Arena Stage · The Music Stage · The Festival Site Attractions, Rides, Fun Fair,
Charity and Business Stalls & Food Concessions · The Festival Parade
Sub-committees do the ‘leg work’ in planning the above and additional sub-committees also plan the Art Festival and consider fundraising, sponsorship and publicity. It should not be forgotten that Ampthill Festival is reliant and a small band of dedicated volunteers who organise Ampthill Festival each year and that it is not the Town Council that stage the event as many think! We are however very grateful for the Town Council’s continued support. Also, have you got any ideas that might reinvigorate and refresh the Festival? If so, contact us with your ideas. We would love to hear from you! Please contact Mark Smith (Home 402560 or Work 01234 354366 or [email protected]). Alternatively, visit www.ampthill.org.uk/festival.htm for more details. And don’t forget - the festival is run entirely by volunteers!
Dunstable Street Ampthill Tel: 01525 403319
email: [email protected]
Open Monday - Thursday 11 am - 2 pm & 5 pm - 11 pm
OPEN ALL DAY FRIDAY, SATURDAY & SUNDAY!
CHOICE OF REAL ALES Plus regular guest ale
SELECTION OF WINES
SKY / SETANTA SPORTS
Coming soon … ACOUSTIC MUSIC Please ask for details
Great value ‘Pub Grub’ New menu served Monday to Friday
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We are also able to accept major Credit and Debit cards
Page 30
There's an alternative Arthur ...
. . . in Arthur’s World Our Arthur takes no credit whatsoever for this Our Arthur takes no credit whatsoever for this Our Arthur takes no credit whatsoever for this
rich gem of literary rich gem of literary rich gem of literary nonsense.nonsense.nonsense. It's all down to one It's all down to one It's all down to one of his mates Arthur Hoggard (Arthur the Elder) of his mates Arthur Hoggard (Arthur the Elder) of his mates Arthur Hoggard (Arthur the Elder)
yet another Salt of the Earth Yorkshire ladyet another Salt of the Earth Yorkshire ladyet another Salt of the Earth Yorkshire lad ...
Sit comfy for lesson 1 with lesson 2 already planned for April ...Everyone believes that the first discovery of America was made by Christopher Columbus, but I have reason to believe that the true discoverer was really Herbert Otterthwaite from Sheffield. This little known fact has only recently come to light with the discovery of some 15th century documents. Apparently Herbert Otterthwaite who lived in South Yorkshire, in Darnall, a district of Sheffield was a keen boatman and owned a narrow boat, which he regularly sailed on the canals of the north. It was on a bank holiday weekend in 1436 that he decided to sail to Bridlington, via the Sheffield - Chesterfield canal, then the Aire and Calder Canal which would take him to the River Ouse and so down the Humber round Spurn head and up the coast to Bridlington. So accompanied by his faithful whippet and two ferrets he set off, took the wrong turning at the end of the Sheffield/Chesterfield canal and found himself eventually at sea, which he later found out to be the Atlantic. Well, he tried all ways to get back to the English coast, Irish Coast or any other coast even the Welsh would have done, to no avail. Several weeks later, having survived on the stock of black pudding and tripe he had stored on the boat, he found himself in this strange land, occupied by a race who called themselves Sooz and wore a feather stuck in their head, he gave them gifts of Pontefract cakes and dehydrated puddings from Yorkshire. He lived with them for a while, during which time he taught them the Yorkshire Scalping technique, known in that part of England as "Short back and Sides", and was eventually rescued and brought back to England and Yorkshire. When he recounted his adventures on arrival in Sheffield, no one believed him, but he insisted this was true. It was about this time that Columbus was searching for the Americas, sponsored by the King and Queen of Spain and this was causing trouble at the English court. No one wanted to upset the Spanish throne, as they threatened to solve all their problems with the Armada. So, a great conference was called, all the interested parties were there, the Geographical Society, the RAC, RSPCA and NALGO and it agreed that they couldn't allow someone called Herbert Otterthwaite be allowed to claim credit of discovering America, so it decided to announce officially that Columbus had just sent word he had found America, and was carrying on his world cruise. As compensation Herbert was granted the right to have a Yorkshire Pork Pie stall outside the Main Synagogue in the centre of Sheffield on Saturdays for the rest of his life. This little know fact will soon be included in the seven wonders of the world, the AA handbook and A Tykes Guide to Yorksher.
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Ampthill Town CC will this summer be fielding 3 senior elevens on both Saturday & Sunday, with some 4th XI friendly games planned. On Saturday the first & second elevens will compete in the Saracens Hertfordshire League with the third eleven taking part in Millman Competition Division 3. Sunday all three elevens will take part in the Bedfordshire County League. We also have a Mid-Week XI in the Bedford Mid-Week League plus entering the Cup Competitions as organised by the East Beds Charity Shield. In 2008 we won the Heritage Cup beating Biggleswade Town in the final at Potton. Indoor nets are on Thursday 5th March to the 2nd April at Marston Vale Middle School in Stewartby between 8 pm & 10 pm. More details from Chris Degnan (1st XI skipper) on 07720 550298We shall be running youth teams at Under 10, 12, 14 & 16. To join this popular section of the club please contact Graeme Presswell on 07946 863262.Youth Registration evening on Thursday 16th April at the pavilion. On Sunday 26th April we shall be hosting Bedfordshire CCC vs. Oxfordshire CCC in a 50 over a side game starting at 11 am
Continuing the deductions we can all make after watching films: When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
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ARAGON WINDOWSARAGON WINDOWS
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50 Russell Drive Ampthill Beds Established in 1990 and built on reputation
Page 32
Learnt by Fergus Handislip
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1 Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 2 Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 3 Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 4 Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 5 Loud Sigh: This is actually not a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to No 3 for the meaning of nothing.) 6 That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 7 Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever'). 8 Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying ‘Shut Up.’ 9 Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' (For the woman's response refer to No. 3).
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CARPENTRY & BUILDING WORK Call: 01525 713590 or 07949 072133
E-mail: [email protected]
We have a large function room available for hire for any special occasion - £60.00 for members, £110.00 for non members.
The club can also offer ample parking facilities for £40.00 per month including free membership to the club!
Thursday is quiz nite, newcomers welcome - 8.30 pm onwards. Cash prize. Youth Darts Mondays 7 pm - 9 pm PLUS - TEXAS HOLD’EM POKER
EVERY MONDAY 7.30 for 8.00 pm £10.00 registration fee. Saturday 21st March Party Nite with Karaoke
All welcome, free to members, guests - £3.00. 8.30 Onwards
The Flitwick Club20 High Street, Flitwick, Beds Tel: 01525 751555
If you’re quick - you may be able to book an advertisement in the next
edition of The Fuddler!!
For more details please ring Martin on 01525 841434
Page 33
Sent to us by Polly the Pasta Princess!
CHICKEN & BACON SURPRISE
You will need: 1 clove garlic, crushed 2 onions, finely chopped 2 chicken breasts, chopped 4 rashers smoked bacon A handful of peas or cooked mixed veg Fresh Parmesan Small pot of single cream Black pepper, salt & Basil 1/4 pint chicken stock Balsamic vinegar Your favourite pasta And some wine to slurp whilst cooking! Heat some oil in a pan and add crushed garlic. Add chicken and fry for about 5 minutes on a medium heat. Meanwhile, grill bacon until crispy and chop into pieces. (Pop the water on for the pasta about now.)
When the chicken is done remove from pan, add onions and cook until soft but not brown. Add the peas or mixed veg and the cooked bacon. Return chicken to pan and add about a tablespoon of water. Add some basil, at least one tablespoon of balsamic vinegar, salt and black pepper. Pour in about 5 tablespoons chicken stock and let it reduce on a medium heat. If it reduces too quickly add a little more water. After about 5 minutes or so pop in two thirds the pot of cream. Allow sauce to thicken on a very low heat. When sauce is of a nice consistency mix with cooked pasta and serve immediately with additional parmesan and black pepper. Enjoy!
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TRADITIONAL FREEHOUSE PUB WITH RESTAURANT
Wednesday Evenings “Take Aways!”
Beer Battered Fish & Chips £7.50 Homemade Curry, Rice & Naan £7.95
Call and place your order or pop in while you wait!
Sunday 8th March 2009 4pm Sunday 5th April 2009 4pm
Family Quiz Teams of 6 or 8. £5 per team to Willen Hospice
Saturday 14th March 2009 8.30pm Race Night
At the end of Cheltenham Gold Cup week join us for Free Nibbles & Meal for 2 for Best Dressed Racegoer!
Sunday 22nd March 2009 Mothers Day
Book your table quick! 2 course £14.95 & 3 course £17.95
The Green Man Church End
Eversholt MK17 9DU
Telephone – 01525 288111 Website www.greenmaneversholt.com
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Don’t forget - when you need a local advert - you’ve found The Fuddler! Tel: 01525 841434
With The Fuddler Vet - Siggi Almplunger (It may be best to take Siggi’s advice a little tongue in cheek!)Continued from last month R e t r i e v e c a t f r o m neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot,
drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch another.Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who swerved to avoid cat and bumped into his fence. Take the final pill from foil wrap To be continued ...
Again as a change from her Victoriana postcards Sil has very kindly sent us this cartoon from her collection dating back many years. Once again Sil, many thanks and as always we look forward to hearing more from you!
ALL TYPES OF GROUNDWORKUNDERTAKEN.
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ATTENTION CONTRACTORS - ARE YOU LOOKING FOR B&B? We have 10 letting rooms and prices from just £25.00 pppn including full English breakfast!
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“All you expect a village shop to be ... And more!”
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Please call for opening times
Tel: John: 07811 116486 Matt: 07785 503438
UNIT 1 BRICKHILL PASTURES MAULDEN BEDS MK45 2EB
Clearance Abandoned Stock Specialists
All items subject to availability
JUST ARRIVED INDIAN PATIO SAND STONE SLABS £13.00 per sq mtr + VAT
HUGE RANGE OF FAR EASTERN GARDEN STONEWARE ORNAMENTS FROM £49.99
FOR THE KIDS - INFLATABLE REMOTE CONTROL DUMPER TRUCK RRP £29.99 OUR PRICE £5.00!
TEAK GARDEN FURNITURE SALE AT UP TO 75% OFF HIGH STREET PRICES
Banana bench & table set Only £179.00
Folding chair with arms Only £25.00
Java dining chair Only £39.00
Side tables From £30.00
Round tree bench Only £249.00
Round gate leg table 120 cms Only £89.00
Rolled arm garden bench 1.8 metre Only £110.00
Sun lounger 198 cms x 66 cms Only £85.00
Round folding coffee table Only £25.00
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Episode VII…………….An Awarding experience!!
Can I start by giving myself a huge pat on my back, not for l o s i n g a n y w e i gh t o f consequence but for not drinking any alcohol for over a month. Not that Mrs Miggins or Plunkett will be joining in on my self-gratification. Actually it was over a month as my first tipple was in fact on the Fuddler Award day which was on the 1st
February, but after that I continued my abstention until St Valentines Day, more of that later. This month I will break all rules and fit in two months of news from yours truly. As we saw last year through no fault of my own the Fuddler was printed completely out of sync and confused all and sundry. So, this issue will see me catch up so to speak, a bit fortunate really as January was rather quiet. Well after Christmas took its toll, I was once again back to
the same weight as when I first started the regime. As I hinted at earlier, I decided to take the month off drinking and was back on the lime & sodas. Fuddles accomplishes this every year and uses the annual Fuddler Awards as his marker for hitching a ride on the wagon. This year was extra special for me in so far as I was invited for the first time as a contributor. In fact I was nominated for two awards myself - Best Adventure Story and Best Newcomer. I now feel for all the nominees in extravaganzas such as the Oscars and BAFTAs with their acceptance speeches written on the backs of hands and a box of Kleenex at the ready. Even though you say “you did not expect to win” you get inexplicably excited, expectant, disappointed jealous and resentful when another name is read out from within the golden wallet, or as in our case Fuddler’s used Christmas card
envelopes. When the second of my nominations resulted in my name being read out as winner it was just a mix of relief and justice felt. I had composed a sober and unemotional speech but in time honoured fashion I did a Kate Winslet instead. My reward for my efforts was a fridge magnet, hopefully not of the babe magnet variety as I don’t really relish the amorous advances of ‘Jim the Fridge’. The awards also allowed one to meet all the other contributors to the Fuddler and their collective alter-egos. Some were surprising, others not so. Apart f rom the award ceremony, watching Fuddler get more and more wobbly on Plunkett’s gazpacho (a cold spicy tomato soup with lots of vodka) and enjoying the superb culinary effort put on by Mrs Miggins, the highlight was watching Gazza, our very own Boris Johnson, getting well and truly kippered by Fuddles. In February the main news was being snowed in and having all the bored youths around town throwing snowballs at you and taking great delight in seeing
you slip over whilst shouting expletives and cursing. When eventually Network Rail and Stagecoach ran out of snowballs themselves and got the trains and buses working again I could get back up to London. I found a wonderful little Polish restaurant and selected a couple of interestingly named dishes. I opted for a zurek soup (sour kraut, vegetables, Polish sausage with a boiled egg) with bread, followed by zrazy (beef roulade stuffed with smoked bacon and pickled gherkins) served with boiled potatoes. A couple of good scrabble words there. The transport issue was brought into play again for whilst the weather was trying to disrupt the country, Topbird was up in Cumbria and I was on cat duty. I had to travel between Bedfordshire, London and Hampshire and it was not easy.
And now I’ve run out of space!! As ever all characters and events portrayed in this diary are real and any resemblance to real people or incidents is purely intentional.
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